Original subtitles

♪ Love, exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's love ♪

Hello. Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.

It's not your fault. I'm a little nervous.

How soon does the boat leave?

I'm anxious to put some distance

between me and my telephone.

Your telephone?

I know that sounds a little weird,

but for the last three months

I've had this mystery phone caller.

Oh, I know the type. Heavy breathing, sexy--

no, no. Actually, he's very polite.

What's so scary is that he seems to know my every move.

He called me everywhere.

That must have been awful.

[Gale] That's why I need this vacation.

Yeah.

Oh... I'm Gale padgett.

Oh, hello, Gale. How do you do? I'm Julie McCoy.

Hi.

Let me see. Oh, yes.

You're on the promenade deck, cabin 350.

And you're in luck. That's one of our unlisted cabins.

Thanks.

Bye.

Oh, excuse me! Do you need any help?

No. I think I can handle this all by myself.

There you go. Welcome aboard.

Hello.

My name is Wayne dobson.

This is pat Bigelow.

[Gopher] Ah! Dobson and Bigelow.

You have adjoining cabins on the promenade deck, 101 and 102.

That's right, I hope they're a long ways away from the other passengers.

Well, at the moment, we're booked up,

but if it's possible, we'll try to accommodate you.

That would be great. I'd appreciate that.

It's a matter of life and death.

Mine.

Could this be our great and noble physician?

I don't want to talk about it, understood?

You wouldn't believe it anyway.

All right. I was at a party, and this little trollop says,

"hey, let's go skinny-dipping in the ocean."

Excuse me, I'm only 12 years old.

And then, after I got in the water,

she ran off with my clothes, my wallet, everything!

Mugged by a five-foot blonde.

Uh, doc, where did you get this?

Oh, some understanding fisherman.

It taught me one thing, though,

I have had it with fooling around.

Oh, get out of here, you'll be back chasing women

before the cruise is over.

Oh, yeah?

[Both] Yeah.

You care to put up a little money on that?

Are you saying you'll have absolutely nothing

to do with women on this cruise?

Cold Turkey.

Okay, you got a bet!

But the loser has to spring for a big night on the town

for us all when we get back.

It's a deal. Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Go away, strumpets, trollops and hussies!

Now, about this dinner doc is gonna be buying.

Excuse me?

Yes?

Has a Mrs. Agatha winslow checked in yet?

I'm traveling with her.

Not yet, Mr. Winslow. No.

Oh, I'm not Mr. Winslow. My name is Scott burgess.

This isn't any place for a 12-year-old either.

Excuse me, which is the promenade deck?

Oh, this is it.

We're the dales. Beatrice and Hollister.

But we're not married! He's my brother.

Didn't want you thinking the wrong things about us.

[Laughs]

[Both laugh]

Agatha.

Merrill, how are you?

Oh, fine. Just fine.

It's so great to see you after so many years.

Thank you.

Are you still Agatha winslow, or did you remarry?

No, it's still winslow. Still the merry widow,

or moderately merry.

Excuse me, sir. The weather advisory.

Thank you.

You're busy, we'll catch up later.

Starting with dinner at my table tonight.

Good. I look forward to that.

That lady I was just talking to is Mrs. Winslow.

She's the widow of a captain I sailed under.

So anything you can do to help her meet someone...

Well, I may not have to, sir. I think she brought her own.

[Ship horn blares]

[Knocking at door]

Yeah?

Pat, I'm all set.

Are you coming up on deck with me?

Well, I have to pat. It's my job.

I can't let you out of my sight.

Look, we've been locked in a hotel room

for over two months.

We were put on this cruise so no one would find me.

Okay, Wayne, we are safely at sea.

Yeah, but what if you were followed?

We took a bus, two taxis, a camper,

a limousine and a sanitation truck.

James Bond couldn't have followed us.

But the trial comes up next week.

I mean, you're the only witness we have for the robbery.

Now, I can't let anything happen to you pat, I mean...

You'll be rid of me in seven days.

Okay.

Excuse me.

Okay. [Laughs]

Hello.

That must be some book he's reading.

Double whammy. Get ready to collect on all bets!

Good morning.

I don't even believe it.

All that merchandise and he's not even shopping.

I think maybe I better bring the marketplace to him.

[Telephone rings]

Lido bar. I'll see. Is there a miss padgett here?

Right here.

It's for you.

Thanks.

Hello? Yes, this is she.

You!

From where are you calling?

You can't be!

Hello? [Sighs]

He's on the boat.

Merrill?

Yes?

I want you to meet Scott burgess.

He's a minister.

That's a rare bird in our family.

-Your family? -Yes, he's my nephew.

[Laughs] Oh, merrill!

That's the most complimentary pause I ever heard.

I'm his housekeeper.

Well, I apologize. I should have known.

After all, you did say you were only moderately merry.

[Laughs] Oh, there are the dales.

I must go and speak to them.

They helped arrange this cruise

to celebrate ten years of being their pastor.

That's very nice.

Well, here we are.

But I wouldn't accept unless Agatha was included.

She's absolutely indispensable. I love her.

[All laughing]

What a fine ship.

Did you notice the carpet in the lobby?

All three-quarter hand sewn.

Hollister, forget the rug business,

you're on vacation.

Right. Say, why don't we all have a glass of wine.

Sounds fine.

Not for me, thank you.

Well, I guess it's just you and me, aggie.

Dear Hollister.

You know, he'd do just about anything for you.

Well, I wish he'd start by not calling me aggie.

I know he has marriage right on the tip of his tongue.

Something you might very well consider.

Marriage?

But I'm not in love with Hollister.

Love?

Come now, Agatha.

Personally, I'd be thrilled to settle for warm companionship.

I'd want to love a man as I did before...

Tenderly... intensely... Even passionately.

Agatha! Remember your age.

What has age to do with it? I still have the same emotions.

I still want it all.

And I don't see any reason why I should settle for less.

I can think of a reason.

And a very good one. Scott burgess.

-Scott? -Open your eyes, dear.

Scott is young. He needs a wife.

But he'll never bring one home as long as you're there.

He knows you'd insist on leaving

to go off to some lonely existence.

He could never be party to that.

But I'd never stand in the way of his getting married.

Just your being there prevents it.

Why do you think he insisted on your coming on this cruise?

Because he knew Hollister would be along.

That poor young man is just hoping and praying

this will bring you two together.

Ah, here we are.

Well, here's looking at you, aggie.

Boy, did you guys pick a great place to work.

Look at these women!

Do you get paid for a job like this?

Actually, we pay them.

[Laughing]

[No audible dialogue]

Ah! Now...

What?

[Gopher] ...There is a real winner.

You mean Gale?

You already know her?

Uh, no, not exactly,

but I did manage to overhear her name

when she was talking to Julie.

Gale padgett.

Are you sure it was him?

Definitely.

And he said he's been looking forward

to our vacation for six weeks.

Julie, I booked this cruise exactly six weeks ago.

Ooh. Then it must be someone onboard, huh?

But who?

Can't you leave me out here by myself?

-Nope. -Why?

If I wasn't out here and you got shot,

I'd have a big problem.

Not as big as mine.

I see your point.

How do I make you understand?

You're the only person I've talked to

in over two months.

I'd like to meet some new people.

Except, with you sitting here, no one's gonna come close to me.

Would it be better if I move on the other side of the deck?

-Thanks, Wayne. -Glad to help out.

And in return, I'll try not to get myself shot.

I'd appreciate that.

[Sighs]

Oh, hi, Mr. Dobson.

Oh, hi, Isaac.

Can I get you something to drink?

Yeah, two mai tais, please.

Two?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm always used to ordering for pat and me.

What's she doing way over there?

Well, she just wanted to spend a little time by herself.

See, for the past two months we've been locked up

in a hotel together day and night.

I'm afraid to ask the next question.

Oh, no, it's part of my job.

That's your job?

Listen, what do you do? And how can I get in on it?

No, I'm assistant da. See, uh, she's the only witness we have for a robbery.

I'm guarding her.

My mother was right.

She always said I would enjoy being a lawyer.

She's the only witness I've ever fallen in love with.

Believe me, they're not all like her.

You mean old cupid struck at that little hotel room.

Well, unfortunately, he only hit me.

But as long as we're stuck together, I guess I can still have hope.

Uh-oh, looks like you got competition.

[Clears throat]

Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Yes.

But this one isn't.

Well, lucky for me.

With such an attraction,

i would have expected them all to be sold out.

Who is he?

Oh, that's Mark Bridges.

He's a regular on the love boat.

Smooth. A real ladies' man.

[Laughs]

If I was you, I'd break that up.

I can only do that in case of emergency, Isaac.

Well, looks like you got one to me.

[Mark] All right, then it's a date.

Yeah.

Dinner tonight.

Okay.

Oh, well.

Oh, I almost forgot why I was looking for you.

Cablegram.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Well, maybe you're right about that Mark Bridges.

You probably don't have to worry about that

because you can always use your position to break it up.

Uh... I don't have to worry about that anymore.

"Suspects have decided to plead guilty.

Release miss Bigelow from protective custody."

Mr. Dobson, I got an idea. Suppose you never got this cablegram?

What we've got to do is change you, attitude, wardrobe, everything.

It's a shame you gave up women.

All this training wasted.

We were going to enter you in the Olympics.

That's all behind me now.

I'm determined. I'm a man of steel.

[Chuckles] Of course you are.

I only wish I could get a piece of gopher's bet.

Oh? Would the good skipper consider a separate wager?

Uh, I'm against betting on moral grounds,

unless, of course, it's a sure thing.

What'll we bet?

How about a custom-made dress uniform?

Steep, but I'm sure you can afford it.

[Gopher] Okay, ladies, ladies, please now,

control yourselves... Control yourselves.

Well, hi, doc!

Gosh, I didn't know you'd be here.

Oh, hello.

Okay girls, run along.

I'll join you in the hot tub.

No, thanks.

Come on, doc, you can't tell me you're not interested.

Oh, yes, I can, because I'm not.

They don't affect me in the slightest.

[Sighs]

It must be an interesting assignment,

working on a cruise ship.

It is.

Love's in bloom everywhere you look.

Even your aunt is getting into the swing of things.

[Scoffs]

Believe me, that's no romance.

He's just an old friend, and very definitely not her type.

I think I'll have to tease her a little about this.

Ah, here we be. Bea.

Thank you.

Oh, that looks good.

It is delicious.

There's plenty to do aboard, games and all that.

Would you like a brochure?

Thank you, Hollister. Good.

My pleasure, aggie.

Aggie.

Have you seen Scott?

Here he comes now... and alone.

All these pretty girls and--

Beatrice, I've been thinking about what you said,

and I really don't believe

he's trying to match me with Hollister.

Good afternoon, ladies.

I'm certainly glad, Beatrice, you came along

to chaperone this wild one.

She and your brother are the talk of the ship.

[Laughs] Oh, Scott.

Luckily, I came prepared.

I brought a whole suitcase full of old shoes and rice.

And naturally, as family, you'll get a 20% discount

for my services on the wedding ceremony.

[Chuckles]

He was just joking.

Many a truth is said in jest.

I've signed up you and Hollister

for the sightseeing trip to cabo San Lucas tomorrow.

[Chuckles]

The sooner it happens the better...

For everyone.

[Sighs]

Maybe I should rip out the phone to stop those stupid calls.

If there was only some way.

[Phone rings]

Oh, do you want me to get that?

No.

[Ringing]

Hello? Yes, I know who this is.

You saw me on deck.

Liked my bathing suit.

[Sighs]

What? You want to meet me tonight?

Well... Maybe it is time we met, got acquainted.

Let's say 8:00, pirate's cove bar.

I'm looking forward to it myself.

[Giggles]

Why did you do that?

Because I'm going to teach him a lesson he'll never forget.

[Giggles]

[Knock at door]

It's open, Wayne.

You look lovely.

Thank you.

I've never seen you dressed up before. You look great.

Your date's a pretty lucky fellow.

The two of us will be watching you tonight.

Two of you?

You're not gonna be hanging--

oh, I'm sorry,

i don't like it any better than you do, but it's my job.

Well, you can watch me from a distance.

Oh, I don't know pat, I mean--

look, Wayne, it's gonna be very hard

for this guy to get romantic

with you hanging over my shoulder.

Now, if I need your help, I'll yell.

Please?

Okay. Maybe I better let you get your big date started, huh?

Oh! Get back! Get back!

What?

There's somebody out there.

[Gasps] Are you sure?

Yeah, he's still there.

He looks awful mean.

Maybe we better cancel the dinner tonight--

cancel?

Yeah, well, if they're out there on the boat

i can't let you go by yourself.

Yeah. I know.

Perhaps we could have a nice quiet dinner in here.

We'll order room service.

Dinner here? What a great idea!

I can call Isaac ---

and I'll call Mark

and I'll just invite him down here.

Yeah, we can order some champagne--

-Mark?

-Sure! You'll be in the next room.

I'll be perfectly safe.

Here?

Look, I'd love to go out to dinner,

but I don't have much choice.

And with you next door, I'll be fine.

How will I know if you need it?

Like I said, I'll yell. But with Mark here,

I don't think I'll be wanting any help.

Yes, operator, would you connect me

to Mark Bridges' room. He--

excuse me, maybe there's another way.

I know how much it means to you to go out tonight.

And I'm more than willing to let you go on one condition.

Anything.

Okay.

[Knock at door]

Why, bea!

Aren't you going down to dinner?

I'm just gonna have a tray in my room.

I got too much sun today.

Oh, sorry to hear about that.

Anyway, it'll give you and Agatha a chance to be together.

I also booked you two up for the sightseeing tour tomorrow.

Probably see nothing but a lot of those terrible tile floors.

You and Agatha need more time together.

You ought to be thinking in terms of proposing

before this cruise is over.

I don't want to seem pushy.

It's a very sensible step for everyone.

Agatha can take over from me and manage your home quite well.

Well, what will you do?

Oh, I'll miss you, of course,

but I'll manage.

Still, I don't know...

Marriage... at my age.

Age isn't a barrier to love.

Agatha said so herself.

She also said she was still a woman of emotions...

And passions.

Passions?

You go on. I'll be fine.

Passions?

Then chablis...

Hey, hey, let's go to dinner.

Oh, okay, be right with you.

Is anything the matter?

This tuxedo, I borrowed it,

the pants are a little small.

[Ripping]

I think they're big enough now.

What am I gonna do?

We'll get you out.

Yeah.

Okay.

[Sighs]

[Clears throat]

Hi, Gale padgett.

To be even, I guess I better tell you my name.

[Clears throat] I'm Robert redford.

No, no, I'm Jack stander.

I was watching you on deck earlier

and I was trying to figure out a way of introducing myself.

[Clears throat] Well, finally, here we are.

Yes, here we are... finally.

Do you have plans for dinner?

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

I plan to have dinner with you.

-You do? -Mm. A private little dinner.

Down in my cabin.

If that's all right.

Certainly aren't the bashful type, are you?

Shall we say 8:30-ish?

Sounds very promising.

[Chuckles]

It'll be a dinner you'll never forget.

[Both chuckle]

Julie?

Yes?

Would you put my aunt and me on the list

for tomorrow's sightseeing tour?

Oh, she's already signed up.

She and Mr. Dale.

She signed up to go with him?

Yes, but there's still plenty of room

if you'd like to go with them.

No, I guess not, thank you.

Is there anything wrong?

Ah, mostly me.

Good evening, everyone.

Evening, Scott.

Don't you look elegant.

She sure does.

I feel elegant too, being invited to the captain's table.

It's my pleasure.

Nothing's too good for aggie.

Oh, I'll get it.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Is something wrong?

That seam isn't hand sewn.

It's just heat tape. No way to treat a carpet.

And they're in these newfangled metric widths.

Won't Beatrice be joining us?

No, she's resting.

She got a little too much sun today.

Oh, that's too bad.

I guess that leaves you two on your own tonight.

So, doc... still alone, huh?

Well, I gotta hand it to you, spending a whole day without any women.

Oh, that, I don't even miss them.

Well, then, I guess we can expect you

for the poker game later.

No, I think I'll skip it this time.

I want to finish that book I'm reading on cardiovascular research.

Fascinating. Good evening.

Finish a book? When he leaves, I think we should follow him.

Are you saying that doc would meet a girl on the side,

have a wild time, not tell us about it,

and still collect on the bet?

When he leaves, we follow him.

Hi, there.

Hi.

I believe I have a reservation.

Yes, that was for two, wasn't it?

Mm-hmm. Couldn't think of a nicer number.

Champagne?

Please.

I must say, the service is very nice here.

I certainly didn't expect all this.

Only the beginning.

[Clears throat] Do you do this often?

[Giggles] Only on very special occasions.

[Cork pops]

I'm so sorry!

That's all right. It's a little warm in here anyway.

Look, why don't I just nip down to my cabin and change.

Oh, why bother?

Why don't you duck into the bathroom

and hand me your clothes.

I'll call the valet, hmm?

I probably won't get them back before morning.

Well, I'm willing to wait if you are.

I like the way you think.

There's a robe in the bathroom.

Won't it be a little snug?

Well, if it's too snug,

we'll just have to get you out of it, won't we?

Yeah. Yeah.

Lady, you run a crazy restaurant.

[Both laugh]

And I love the menu.

[Groans]

Maybe we don't need the valet.

They'll probably dry by themselves.

No, I don't think so.

You gotta be kidding with this robe.

Hey, hey, hey, what do you think that is, a washing machine?

I wish I could throw you out with them.

Maybe this will teach you to stop humiliating me...

How the heck--

...tormenting me with your stupid calls.

Stupid calls? What are you talking about?

[Phone rings]

That is what I'm talking about.

You've got to stop!

[Ringing]

Hello?

You're waiting for me in the bar?

You can't be, you're here.

I can't talk now. Call me back later--

no, don't call me!

Look, i--

lady, just stay away from me.

I didn't, i--

just stay away from me, all right?

Just stay away.

You are bananas.

That was a delicious dinner.

Oh, thank you.

As I was just saying, captain, most people today are goofy.

They put stone floors in their houses.

Stone! Cold. Damp. Awful.

Hollister says he'll furnish our new Sunday school carpeting at cost.

-Oh! -Well, perhaps you can give me some advice.

I need a new rug for my office.

What do you have in mind?

Well, I'm not quite sure.

My daughter, Vicki, keeps saying the way I spill my coffee,

it should be coffee-colored.

Wait a minute. Spilling coffee on your rugs is no joke.

Makes a terrible stain.

Especially if you use cream in it.

What time do we get to cabo San Lucas tomorrow?

And you probably put a whole lot of water on it.

Most people make that mistake.

Water only brings up the dye color from the backing, and you can't get that out.

That's really interesting, isn't it, Agatha?

Yes, very.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I'll just go and get some sun lotion

for Beatrice before the shop closes.

Be right back. Ta-ta.

Please, excuse me. I better get back to my duties.

Excuse me, I have homework.

That Hollister's quite a man.

Worked hard, built up his own company,

he's certainly been generous with the church.

Yes, he has a lot of fine qualities.

He certainly does. His heart in the right place.

But then I guess you already know that.

I'm spending tomorrow with him.

I guess we'll be trotting around town together.

I expect he'd like to look at some Mexican carpeting.

Yeah.

If you'd like to come with us...

Oh, thanks, but you know... Two's company.

The first minute I saw you I knew deep down inside

that our chemistry was the same.

[Wayne laughs]

I'm sorry, I just thought of something funny.

Who is he?

I really can't explain, but just ignore him.

[Sighs]

We'd be so good together.

A Leo, a Taurus.

Pass the cream, please.

You're so beautiful.

Thank you.

Pat, I've never said this to a woman before--

pass the sugar, please.

All right, that's it.

It's been a lovely, romantic evening

with the two of you, but I'm leaving.

I hope you find a fella you can both be happy with.

Good night.

How could you?

I had to. I can't drink my coffee without sugar.

Don't you ever speak to me again.

Well, you did the right thing to call me.

Sunburns can be serious.

Oh, but I hate to disturb your evening.

No, I had no plans at all, just a book to finish.

Supposed to be reading, huh?

Mm-hmm.

I bet you right now he's right in the middle of a rendezvous.

Come on, let's ease in and see if we won our dinner.

[Doc] You know, when I saw you on deck this afternoon,

I had an idea this might happen.

You must think me a very foolish woman.

Now, now, don't feel guilty.

Oh, that feels so good.

[Doc] Now, we mustn't forget the neck, a very sensitive area.

I wonder which chick finally got doc?

She must really be something.

Oh!

[Doc moans]

Oh, dear, you have such gentle hands.

[Doc moans]

Ah!

Mm-hmm.

Thank you, doctor. I'll stay out of the sun from now on.

You gentlemen here for treatment?

I have this little cut--

oh, it's my back--

you seemed to be fine a half hour ago when I left you.

These things strike fast in the tropics.

I'm afraid what you both have is a nasty, suspicious mind.

Face it, gents, you're dealing with a man of steel.

And when we get back to Los Angeles,

it's gonna cost you a bundle.

[Julie] We hope you enjoy your day here in cabo San Lucas

as much as this school of porpoises frolicking

off the starboard side of our ship.

Land tours will be leaving from the coral deck gangway

in ten minutes.

You going ashore?

Maybe later.

Must be tough being a minister.

You have to be so good all the time.

Well, there are advantages.

I get to go to a lot of weddings.

That's right.

You probably know the answer

to something that's been bothering me.

How can anyone tell when they're really in love?

Well...

I'm afraid it might happen to me

and I wouldn't even know it.

If you're speaking about marrying love...

That's one of the better kinds.

Don't worry, you'll know when it happens.

You'll feel it all over, deep down.

You'll tingle from head to toe.

Even your toes tingle?

Especially your toes.

Wow.

We're going to take a look-see at some of these Mexican rugs.

I hear they make them without any backings.

[Laughs] Crazy.

-Come on, aggie. -Have a good time.

[Chuckles] It'll be wonderful.

Another nice thing about love,

it can happen to anybody at any age.

[Clicks tongue, sighs]

You mean...

It sure looks that way.

Doc?

Yes?

I think we should call off this bet.

Oh?

For your sake.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm just afraid that the pressure

inside you is gonna build up

and then [imitates explosion] it'll take the whole ship and everything.

Gopher, I m a student of the body,

I know how to fight these things.

If the urges build,

I suppress them with exercise.

I simply jump rope until the feeling goes away.

You jump rope?

If I need to, but I won't.

My mind's in total control.

Ciao.

Ciao.

Is he still the man of steel?

Apparently.

Guess who came aboard in cabo this morning?

Who?

Trudy harbord.

Trudy?

[Chuckles]

The girl from the Caribbean cruise?

Mm-hmm.

The one that doc went ape over?

He spent an entire month's salary on her in flowers.

Mm-hmm.

Where is she?

Oh, yeah, that's Trudy all right.

[Captain] Very sad.

Sad?

Poor child. Doesn't look too healthy.

What?

Awful run down.

Maybe you ought to take her to see the doctor.

What happened?

I don't know.

I guess the new me outdid himself.

You know, I'm just not cut out to be anyone else.

You're wrong.

You gotta have more confidence in yourself.

Now, I have confidence in you.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

You're the only one.

Pat doesn't even know I'm alive.

Excuse me.

Can I get you another?

Oh, no, thanks.

Do you wanna talk?

If anyone ever asks you to be a witness, run.

Your life is over.

You'll never see or talk to another human being ever.

Oh, I don't think so.

It can't be that terrible.

[Scoffs]

You've had his full attention for over two months.

Well, that's his job.

In his case,

I think the attention

went well beyond the line of duty.

One thing about being a bartender is...

You become a watcher,

a listener, an adviser,

even a part-time psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist? [Laughs]

You really get to know people.

And I suggest you take another look.

Do you really think so?

Listen to the doctor.

I will have another.

Coming up.

Okay, thanks.

You can go home now.

Really?

Thanks, Isaac.

Hi.

Hi.

How come you're forgiving me?

Doctor's orders.

Yeah.

[Both laugh]

[Laughs] Trudy, I really appreciate this.

This is gonna be fun.

[Both laugh]

Doc's not interested in women?

I've gotta see this for myself.

[Door opens]

Just take those pills

and get back to me in the morning, huh?

Trudy, isn't it? Back with us again?

Do you want to see me?

Oh, no, she was first. No hurry.

No hurry.

Oh.

Uh... this way, please.

Well, now, what seems to be the problem?

Um, I've been having these chest pains.

-Chest pains? -Mm-hmm.

You know, I don't-- when do you get these pains?

When I take a deep breath, like this.

[Breathes deeply]

Oh. Oh, I see.

Well?

He told me to take an aspirin.

That's it? That's all that happened?

You mean he resisted you?

I guess he is a man of steel.

I must have been great to be around,

always unhappy, always complaining.

And those were your good points.

[Giggles] Why didn't you say something?

I guess I was afraid to. I mean when a girl looks like you,

all the guy can do is hope.

Besides, Isaac obviously did a better job.

For the first time, I'm really glad to be in protective custody.

What a great way to start a relationship.

And the nice thing is we can't get away from each other.

I hope this case drags on forever.

And when the case is over? You still want to see me?

I want to keep seeing you for a long time, Wayne.

Good, I guess I did the right thing, then.

How?

This came the first day.

They're pleading guilty. The case is over.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, if I had have, we wouldn't be

standing here right now.

So all worked out well.

How could you do this to me?

I told you, if I had have told you about this--

you mean last night with Mark,

there was no reason for you to be there.

And there was no one in the corridor either, was there?

Guilty. But I told you, if I had--

don't you touch me!

Don't come near me.

And don't ever speak to me again, Wayne.

And this time I mean it!

Now, listen, I owe you a tuxedo, and like it or not, I'm gonna get you one.

I--

come on.

Oh, you're not closing yet, are you?

No, I'm opening up for tomorrow.

I hate to wait till the last minute.

My, my, but you do need clothes, don't you?

[Gale] Please, I just want to buy him a tuxedo.

[Jack] Look, you really don't--

she wasn't talking to you.

Oh! He is a 42 lovely.

Let me show you a tux.

And a shirt.

Look, i--

look, sometime when you're not using them,

I wonder if I could borrow your shoulders.

To be honest, I say we forget about the whole thing.

No! I'm going to replace your clothes.

And maybe then, you'll believe me.

Please! The tux, black or blue?

Blue is just fine.

Drip dry, if you have it.

[Phone rings]

He-- hello?

This is Pierre.

Are you Gale padgett?

Yeah.

A call for you. A man.

If you want to buy him a tux, tell him to hurry,

because I close in five minutes.

Hello?

You? How did you know I was here?

Stop calling me!

[Sighs]

Gale, what's the matter?

It's the fellow I was talking about.

My phantom caller.

He's still out there.

Well, Agatha, if that's what you want,

I wish you the best.

Thank you, merrill.

It isn't official, but it won't be long now.

Well, Mr. Dale seems to be a nice sort.

Go ahead and say it, merrill.

He's sure no Dan winslow.

[Chuckles] Am I too obvious?

Well, I have to be realistic.

There will never be another husband like Dan.

And I must stop making comparisons.

I had 35 wonderful years, more than most women.

And I'll always have those memories.

Are you being "realistic" about Mr. Dale?

It will serve a purpose.

Coffee?

No, thank you.

Excuse me.

You know, merrill, getting older isn't really so bad.

You can relax, be yourself.

Yes, age can be handled.

But uselessness, that's the crusher.

Well, I can't imagine you ever being useless.

Oh, it happens, despite your best efforts.

And you really miss the feeling of doing something,

of being able to give.

You're always getting, not giving.

Getting a seat on the bus. Getting helped across the street.

Getting this, getting that.

All well-intended.

But the real lift, and life,

flows the other way, from giving of yourself.

Giving, that's what you see in marriage?

Well, I don't have any material things.

But I can make a very meaningful gift.

Independence...

To a young man who is very dear to me.

So you'll have a marriage of convenience,

practical and realistic.

Hollister is really very sweet, you know.

Of course, he is preoccupied with his rug business,

but it's nice that he has an interest.

And for us to spend the time that we have left together,

that can't be so wrong, can it?

I suppose not.

Forgive me, Agatha.

But I still keep thinking something is missing.

It isn't right, gopher.

Bugging is underhanded, insensitive,

and an invasion of privacy.

Then, go.

Are you crazy? And miss all the good stuff?

[Doc humming]

♪ And it might have ended ♪

♪ and it might have ended ♪

♪ and it might have ended a long time ago ♪

What do you think he's doing now?

I don't know.

But I'm sure glad he stopped singing.

Coming, darling.

[Door opens]

Oh, baby, am I glad to see you!

Ah!

Mm!

[Laughs]

You got him!

Well, you see, I just knew a little hard work

and a lot of rottenness would pay off.

Now, baby, let's be real quiet.

Who knows if that dumb gopher isn't outside listening again.

What a nerd.

I'll show him who the dummy is.

[Door slams]

[Knock at door]

Who is it?

[Gopher] It's gopher! It's important!

Uh, all right. Just a minute.

What can I do for you?

Nothing. Just a friendly visit.

Looking for something?

No. Just comparing cabins.

I think you'll find the "under the beds" are the same.

Okay, get out of there!

Oh! Trying to get rid of moths?

[Laughs]

Gopher?

Hmm?

Looking for this?

You think you're pretty smart, don't you?

Big brain! Went to medical school!

Well, let me tell you something. You're not even a good doctor!

'Cause if you were, they'd let you practice on land!

There's one thing I'm sure of...

I'm really glad you separated yourself from that jerk.

Ah, yes.

This is gonna be the beginning of something beautiful.

I'm sure everything will work out fine.

You'll have a place of your own.

And you'll have a place of your own, too?

Yes, I suppose so.

And it'll mean companionship, someone to take care of you.

Somebody I can take care of too. That's important.

Oh, yes. We can go places, do things.

Even go on more cruises. See the world.

It sounds like a perfect life.

Perfect.

Hmm.

Well, he's staying in his cabin tonight, sir.

It looks like we've lost the bets.

Well, you have to give him credit.

He'll probably be a better man for it.

Different. Not necessarily better.

I don't know why I'm being so magnanimous about this.

A tailor-made uniform costs a fortune these days.

You know, I haven't been a very good sport about this whole thing.

I think maybe I'll go and concede.

Gopher, do you think I could declare

a no-betting rule and make it retroactive?

[Sighs]

Once, he even called me at my dentist.

[Sighs] Look, Gale, as long as this nut is still running around,

i am not letting you out of my sight.

I am going to stay with you...

Day and night.

This must be some kind of record.

Hmm?

We've been together for over an hour and I still have my clothes.

[Chuckles] Well, it's still early.

May I cut in?

You gotta be kidding.

Not at all. I believe those are my kisses.

Do you know him?

No.

Woman, your name is fickle.

We had a date.

We did?

For three long months I have been faithful to you.

Dialing my fingers to the bone.

You're the mystery caller?

Not once in all that time did I ever phone anybody else.

And I was considerate.

I never called after 11:00 at night.

We had a dream relationship on that telephone,

and now, you put me on "hold."

Wait a minute.

I know you... the office.

You're Melvin, from the shipping department.

That's right. But I have licked your last label.

I'm through.

Take back your unlisted home number,

your mother's number, your dentist's number.

We're finished.

This is the last time I reach out and touch someone.

I don't believe it.

That little boy is my mystery man.

Did you see him? I really feel foolish.

[Both laugh]

Oh.

However...

What?

I still think I'll take you up on that offer.

What offer's that?

Looking out for me day and night.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

Otherwise, there might be a lot of violence.

What, from him?

No. From me.

[Knock at door]

Come in.

Oh, this isn't another raid, is it?

Uh, no, doc, um, you win.

I came to apologize.

Oh. All right.

It really wasn't fair of me to make that bet.

I knew I couldn't lose. So... I'm not going to hold you to it.

The bet's off.

You're kidding?

You mean, you're gonna let me out of it?

Yeah, and the captain, too.

Oh, doc, gee, that's very nice of you, really.

Hey, we're all pals, aren't we?

I just, I can't believe you did it.

Hey.

Willpower.

Well.

How do I look?

Mmm...

Perfect.

It's funny, when I saw you in the office,

I thought for sure you weren't interested.

You want to make a little bet?

Thank you. Good night, Mark.

It's still early. Let's have a little nightcap.

Cozy. Very cozy.

Look, Mark, it really is getting late.

Oh, you're nervous.

Of course you are.

Why don't you let me help you relax.

All right. Why don't I slip into something

a little more comfortable.

Good thinking. What are you doing?

Oh, this door has to stay open.

You see, I'm in protective custody.

And Wayne is assigned to watch over me.

Yeah, pat, I can take care of you now.

There's absolutely no reason for you to worry about a thing.

[Clears throat] I'm, uh, I'm afraid there is.

All right, look, whatever might happen, I can take care of it.

I'm a black belt in karate.

Oh, okay. I'll close the door.

Wayne!

Well, I'll leave it open a teeny bit.

Look, I don't get any of this.

Oh, it has nothing to do with your ability.

It's just that, uh, so I can hear the shots.

Shots? What shots?

-You know, gunshots. -Gunshots?

Oh, yeah. The guys after her, they play for real.

There's, uh, big Harry, uh, Harry the beast. You know him.

Big Louis, all those guys. But of course, you know black belt karate, so...

But maybe you'd like to borrow my bulletproof vest?

Lead bounces right off. That is if they're aiming at your chest. But...

I do have to be honest, about one thing,

if they're aiming at your head, it doesn't do much good.

All you have to do is give them a karate chop.

You're in good hands, pat. Good night.

Uh, wait, uh, one second.

[Chuckles]

-Look, how late it's gotten. -Do you really have to go?

Yes. I need to get my eight hours.

Nice seeing you both. Good night.

[Laughs]

Thanks.

Oh, anytime.

Good night, pat.

Wayne?

I've really been a dummy, huh?

A very pretty one.

Can we go back to where we were before you showed me that cablegram.

What cablegram?

[Captain] There. Then, what happens?

[Vicki] I go...

Like that.

Very good.

Now what do I do?

Now it's your turn.

Um, is that right?

Yeah, and that one.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Now... now what? [Laughs]

Good evening, captain.

Good evening.

Have you told him?

Yes.

I thought I'd better before he heard it as gossip.

And I intend to kick up my heels and dance at the wedding!

A wedding! Then you are getting married?

-Yes, Vicki. -Wow!

And you know, I'd like it if you would attend, Vicki.

Of course, it won't be a big affair.

Oh, excuse me, I was just looking at...

Mrs. Winslow, are your toes really tingling?

My toes?

I was talking to Vicki earlier about love and...

I told her it made even your toes tingle.

So of course, her toes are tingling,

because she has that special,

deep down marrying kind of love.

Don't you, Agatha?

Agatha?

Oh, don't mind me. I'm...

[Sniffles] I'm just tired, all the excitement.

Are you sure that's all there is to it?

It'll be fine.

I'll have a home.

And you'll have a chance to find a wife.

So that's it.

We have to be realistic. It's best for everyone.

But it isn't.

We've each been trying so hard to do the best for the other,

we haven't done the best for anyone.

But you have a life to lead,

and I want to help, to give you your freedom.

I want a better gift.

Better?

One with joy for both of us.

So let's agree.

Nobody runs off to get married

unless it's totally unrealistic, super-special and overwhelming.

Okay?

You got a deal.

From now on nothing goes unless there's a tingle in the toes.

[Both laugh]

I was hoping to find you.

I have something--

I'm really not interested.

No, not for you. For him.

Here.

Dimes?

I won't be needing them anymore.

Oh.

Wait a minute. Excuse me?

Are you married? Or engaged?

Or going with a fella?

Yeah, yeah.

A wrestler, bonebreaker balinkoff.

I see.

Oh, hi, Mark.

Hey, Mark.

Hi.

We're about ready to leave.

You want to walk off with us?

Uh... no. No, I'm not leaving.

I liked Mexico so much, I'm going back.

Hasta luego.

Adios.

Would you believe 12 hours ago he was the man in your life?

So? I'm fickle.

Doc, it was really very generous of you to call this bet off.

Hey, forget it.

No, no, no, no.

The least I can do is buy you an expensive dinner.

Well, if you insist.

Am I invited? Expensive is my favorite dinner.

Okay. I mean, how often does a thing like this happen?

I think I'll have a giant lobster.

Hi, Trudy. Did you enjoy the cruise?

Oh, yes, I enjoyed it.

And after last night, I may need another cruise just to relax.

Huh?

Hey, let me help you find a cab.

Wait a minute, doc! Doc! Wait a minute! You lied!

Wait a minute, doc! You cheated! You knew I was-- what?

Does this mean I don't get a lobster?

Not even a tuna fish sandwich!

[Laughs] So there won't be a wedding?

I guess not.

Rats!

I never should have asked about her toes.

[All laugh]

But how are you going to break the news to Hollister?

Oh, poor dear. But I think I know the best way to handle it.

Oh.

Oh, Hollister!

I've had an inspiration about our Sunday school floor!

Mexican tile!

Tile?

You mean stone on the floor?

No carpet?

Would you two like to have lunch with us

in Los Angeles?

Oh, that sounds wonderful.

No.

No, I'm sorry. Other plans.

But we'll be seeing each other back home from time to time.

Good-bye, Agatha. [Scoffs] Tile?

I'm sorry.

I just thought of my niece in Seattle.

She'd be perfect for Scott. I must tell him about her.

Scott... Have you ever been to Seattle?

I don't know what you said, but it sure seems to have worked.

[Laughs] You know, maybe I should have hung on to him.

He was just beginning to call me Agatha.