Original subtitles

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

Celia, dear. Celia.

You must watch your posture. Stand straight, darling.

And I wish you had worn the taffeta.

This print just doesn't do a thing for your problem skin.

I like this dress, mother.

Well, I certainly hope

there are gonna be suitable young men this time.

The last three --

Mrs. Elliot, Celia.

Why, Dr. Bricker, you remembered us.

Who could forget?

Well, well, well. So, he couldn't forget you.

Oh, come on. He was just being polite.

Wouldn't that be marvelous -- Dr. and Mrs. Adam bricker?

You just leave things to me, my dear,

and before this trip is over,

we just might have a professional man in the family.

Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

Oh, hello, sir.

Hello. Has a Mr. Steve Brian been asking for me?

Oh, he's not a passenger.

He's just an old friend who said he'd stop by before we sail.

No, I haven't seen him.

Hmm. Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, hello. Welcome aboard.

I'm sister Patricia.

We've been expecting you, sister.

You're going to acapulco?

Yes. It's my new assignment.

Captain, I want to thank you and the steamship line

for your generosity for my transportation.

I don't know how else I would have gotten there.

This airline strike is terrible.

It's our pleasure to have you with us.

Oh, by the way,

do you happen to have a paddle-ball court onboard?

Well, yes, but, uh, won't it be difficult for you

to play in your habit?

Well, it wouldn't be very comfortable,

but [chuckles] I have other clothes.

Oh, yes. Times have changed.

Yes, they have.

In some orders, like mine, you can wear anything you like.

Almost anything.

[ Telephone rings ]

Jones, Jon-- ah! Here we are.

Aloha 247 -- Dr. Wilferd Jones.

Uh, I-I wouldn't use the word "doctor."

It's confusing. I'm not an m.D. I'm a phd in astronomy.

On this cruise,

I'm gonna be checking out a different kind of heavenly body.

Oh?

The ladies -- i-I've never been too successful,

but this time, I'm ready.

I just finished a crash therapy course

in "how to be a man for all women."

And you passed?

This time, I'm gonna latch on to the very first female I see,

and I am not gonna let go.

No, sirree -- the first one.

Excuse me.

Hi, there.

Well, hello yourself.

Well, maybe the second.

I was wondering if I could get a telegraph form.

Oh, yes, of course.

I hope you enjoy the cruise.

This cruise looks like a bummer.

Why?

No kids.

[ Laughs ]

Uh, excuse me, captain.

Yes?

I'd like to request a favor.

Mm-hmm.

I'm Dr. Marbey.

Yes.

The Dr. Marbey.

Author of "let sexual freedom ring," a runaway bestseller

that tells everything about sex from --

excuse me. I think Julie needs some help.

So do I. Can't I stay?

Well...what can I do for you, doctor?

I am desperately in need of privacy,

so much so that I made my reservation under another name.

I understand.

Good. Then I shall hold you personally responsible

that nobody finds out that i'm aboard.

Nobody.

I never met a real sex expert before.

This cruise could be very educational.

Vicki...

Excuse me.

Oh, hi! Can I be of assistance?

I'm Adam bricker, the beloved ship's doctor.

Oh, I think I'm in pretty good shape.

I'll have to go along with you on that.

Well, then, perhaps I could be of help.

I'm assistant purser burl Smith.

Well, actually, I'm looking for another passenger,

a Dr. Michael marbey.

I've gotta meet him.

I don't have a marbey listed.

Well, maybe he's under another name.

Haven't you read his book on sexual freedom? Here.

Ah. Oh, perhaps we can go over it together.

I love bedtime stories.

Captain? Captain?

Yes?

I'm looking for a Dr. Michael marbey.

Oh, uh, well, uh, have you, uh, consulted the passenger list?

Uh, yes, but he's not listed.

But I got a tip from a very reliable source

that he is on this cruise,

so whatever name he's using, I intend to find him.

Well, don't look at me. I didn't blab.

Merrill!

Steve! Hey, I had almost given you up.

Oh, this is my daughter, Vicki.

How are we, little girl?

Nice to meet you. Gotta go.

Okay.

Sorry I'm late, but maybe I can make up for it.

I've got some big news.

Could you please tell me how to send this wire to acapulco?

I want to confirm I'm on my way.

Oh, I'll take care of that for you.

Is anything the matter?

Well, uh, that man that the captain's talking to --

do you know who he is?

No. Oh, wait.

That must be the friend he's expecting.

Is his name Brian?

Yes, that's it -- Steve Brian. Do you know him?

Yes.

Oh, well, if you want to talk to him, you'll have to hurry.

I know he isn't going to be sailing with us.

Oh, he isn't? You're sure of that?

That's what the captain said, so if you want to see him...

I do...[ Sighs ]

...but I won't.

I can't believe it.

Steve Brian giving up the newspaper business,

a man who won the pulitzer prize?

Merrill, all my life, I've done nothing but work.

Never had time for anything else.

Now it's going to be different.

I'm gonna take a vacation -- a permanent one.

Your attention, please -- all ashore who are going ashore.

The ship will be sailing in 20 minutes.

Well, you heard. I'm sorry.

I got another little surprise -- I'm staying aboard.

I managed a last-minute reservation.

Hey!

Thought this would be a good way to start my newfound freedom.

It will be!

Miss McCoy?

Yes, sir?

Pass the word that this no-good loafer is to be spoiled rotten.

Yes, sir.

You're gonna have the time of your life on this cruise.

Who knows? You may even find romance.

Me? That would be a miracle.

This is the love boat. We have miracles by the hour.

Come on.

[ Air horn blows ]

[ Cheering ]

How's the game going?

Fine.

Hi, i'm, uh, wilferd Jones.

Hi.

Are you from California?

Uh-huh.

Me too.

Small world, isn't it?

Well, it's been nice talking to you.

Putting on lotion -- good idea.

You know, it's strange how we all want to get tan,

equating, uh, darkened epidermal pigmentation with good health

when, actually, the rays can --

Celia, dear, I found a better spot.

So much for science.

Hey, how's the new approach working, doctor?

Slow, very slow. Look, please don't call me "doc."

Oh, sorry. I forgot. Won't happen again.

Okay.

Hi.

Up here.

Mind if I join you?

No. Oh, no. No, not at all.

Hi, I'm Evie sue Miller.

[ Chuckles ] My -- i'm, uh, Jones.

Jones. I understand completely.

And Jones -- not even Dr. Jones.

I'm so happy to meet you. Maybe I shouldn't intrude.

No, intrude, intrude.

You don't mind if I share your little secret with you?

Oh, I promise I won't tell anybody.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

You know, there's a cozy bar inside.

Why don't we go and talk?

Oh, certainly. Oh, yes, yes.

You know, it's so obvious

I might as well just come out flat and say it.

I get excited just being around you, jonesy.

[ Laughs ]

It must have fallen off when I was playing shuffleboard.

Okay, what did the ring look like?

It's a cluster of gold flowers with lots of little diamonds.

Mm. I'll tell you what -- let's go to the purser's office.

Maybe somebody turned it in.

What happened?

Ah, this piñata fell down, and all the toys came out.

Hey. You forgot one.

[ Whistles ] This is a real fooler.

This looks like genuine gold with diamonds.

I'll sell it to you for a nickel.

If I had that kind of money, would I be working?

4 cents -- what do you say?

I say, "stuff it."

Oh, I'll never live it down --

skunked at paddleboard by a nun.

Oh, I'm a ringer, Vicki.

I went through the convent on an athletic scholarship.

Patty feeny.

Why, Steve.

Is it really you?

Uh, as far as I can tell.

Well, this is incredible.

How long has it been -- 25, 30 years?

Gotta go. Here. I'll take that.

Thank you.

I was crazy about you.

[ Laughs ] Crazy, anyway.

That's no way to talk to a guy

who carried your books all through school

and shared his ice-cream sodas.

Oh! Remember the night we went swimming out on wooster lake

and the guy stole our clothes?

I hardly know how to begin.

How are you? How have you been?

I'm fine, and so are you.

You're very famous for an ex-skinny-Dipper.

Are you married?

No. No, and I'm not famous, either,

but I've had a very wonderful life.

Look, I've got to get rid of these ship-to-shore calls,

and I refuse to settle for a quick chat.

Let's save it all for dinner.

We'll pick right up where we left off 30 years ago.

Well [chuckles] not quite.

You know, meeting you just now -- it's a godsend.

Godsend.

I really think a ship's doctor

should make himself more available.

He probably has patients to care for.

Do be more careful of your diction, dear.

Speak distinctly.

You are a college graduate, you know,

and that will be very important to him.

Isaac --

Yoo-hoo! Dr. B.

Uh, you called?

Celia and I were just going to have a glass of wine.

Won't you join us?

Well, perhaps later, but right now,

I've got to attend to Mr. Washington here.

Dizzy spells.

Oh, dear. What is it?

Well, I just started feeling faint.

Everything started going around and around counterclockwise,

and that's the worst way.

Oh, well. We'll look for you later.

Doc, doc...

You don't have to put up with her.

Isaac, her husband is a major shareholder in this cruise line.

[ Laughs ]

Now, what's so funny?

Well, I was just thinking -- if Mrs. Elliot has her way,

we could all be working for you.

[ Laughs ]

What a beautiful dress.

Oh! Thank you, captain.

It's a loaner, but it does beat basic black, doesn't it?

Yes. Oh, Julie told me you're an old friend of Steve Brian's,

from which I cleverly figured out

that you must be the Patty feeny he's been talking about.

He, uh, didn't refer to you as "sister," so neither did I.

Well, I'll have to break that to him.

Oh, speak of the devil. Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't mean --

oh, that's quite all right.

You may be closer to the truth than you think.

Excuse me, captain.

Look, old flame or not,

no dinner until you answer a question

that's been bothering me for 30 years.

Why didn't you write to me when I was in the service?

But I did. My letters didn't catch up with you.

And when they started coming back, well, I just gave up.

I thought maybe you'd found someone else.

If you had, I'd have understood.

No, it wasn't that.

It was a very painful time, Steve.

I really needed you.

You know, mother died, and my brother --

bill?

Bill was missing in action.

I was really quite alone.

I-I didn't -- I just didn't want to go on.

I wish I had known.

I tried to look you up when I came back.

Well, I moved many times --

new faces and new places --

but nothing seemed to help.

And then, I decided that I had to find an inner peace,

something within myself.

You seem to have found it.

I have...With god's help.

You said you weren't married.

Mnh-mnh.

Are a widow?

Unh-unh.

Divorce?

But you're wearing a wedding ring.

Well, all nuns do.

I'm sister Patricia.

Sister Patricia? Patty feeny -- a nun?

Well, you don't look like a nun.

You can say that again. That's incredible.

Look, uh, one more question.

I don't think two questions in 30 years is being too pushy.

[ Chuckles ]

Why didn't you tell me all this this afternoon

when we first met?

I've been asking myself that same thing.

The one thing about this profession

is that you try to come up with completely honest answers.

And the only answer I came up with was very disturbing.

I guess...

I wanted to be Patty feeny just for a minute.

I'm sorry, Steve.

Oh, no, no. That's great.

There'll be an evening of dining and dancing

for both of you -- sister Patricia and Patty --

during which there may be a couple of questions

for, uh, one of you.

Come on.

Join us tonight for "gay '90s night"

in the acapulco lounge.

What is it that makes starlight so romantic?

Because there is no such thing.

Oh, come on.

No. That's sunlight.

Those are all suns far, far away.

That's arcturus.

The light from there

has traveled 35 1/2 years to get here tonight

so it could sparkle in your eyes.

[ Laughs ] You're something.

You know, you're different than any man I've ever been with.

I feel I could trust you.

I could tell you my problem, and you'd understand.

Do you mind?

Go right ahead.

Your problem?

How could a beautiful girl like you have a problem?

That is the problem.

It's just that, well, I developed at an early age,

and I feel that men have an immediate conclusion about me.

I mean, they see the body,

and they don't bother to look for anything else.

That's been my trouble, too, in a reverse way.

Girls see a short, studious guy and become instant sprinters.

I dealt with it by withdrawing.

Oh, sure -- you, a famous sex expert.

[ Chuckles ]

Sex expert?

Well, that's what people think of you, Dr. Marbey.

Oh, I know I'm not supposed to use your real name.

Oh, I've offended you. Nobody heard us.

You mean all the time, you've been thinking --

hey.

All I want from you...

Is for you to go to my cabin...

And autograph my book.

You, uh -- your cabin?

Dr. Marbey is pleased to oblige.

♪ You were 16 ♪

♪ you were 16 ♪

♪ my village queen ♪

♪ my village queen ♪

♪ down by the old mill stream ♪

♪ the old mill stream ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

You were great, Vicki, great,

but I think it's your bedtime.

Oh! How can you hang a curfew on an old guy with a moustache?

Still your bedtime.

I love you, captain merrill, but you're a party pooper.

Good night.

Good night.

Really, darling -- that hat.

And don't toy with your glass.

Oh, that poor girl -- her mother never leaves her alone.

Gopher, ask her to dance.

Okay, but I don't know a step the three of us can do.

[ Laughs ]

Ooh! Nice touch.

Good evening, everyone.

Hi, gopher.

Have you seen the doctor?

Uh, no, but don't worry about it. This is my natural color.

Oh, Mrs. Elliot is looking for you.

Captain, the passenger that lost her ring,

she's still very upset.

Well, post a notice. Did you get a description?

Yes, sir. She said the ring is a cluster of gold flowers

with a lot of little diamonds.

Said it's worth $5,000.

Is she still here?

$5,000!

[ French accent ] Ah, gigi...

Thank heaven for pretty girls.

[ French accent] Mon frère, vous êtes bananas.

Mademoiselle, I must make to you the, uh, confession.

I am not a poor stowaway.

I am, instead, Henri D'Artagnan,

a rich, wealthy millionaire.

Whoa!

Ah, Oui!

Please accept this small, uh, bauble from mon coeur.

And wear it always...Gigi.

[ Normal voice ] Celia, I mean this --

you're a really great girl.

Things are gonna start coming your way.

Oh, there you are. Come, dear.

This night air -- you'll get a chill.

Good night, gopher.

[ French accent ] Bonsoir, ma cherie.

Come, Celia.

You know how susceptible you are to cold.

Sister Patricia, I have very great respect for you,

but if you don't mind, I'd like to talk with Patty feeny.

Well, I'm sorry, but she's washing her hair.

Is there a message?

Yes. There is a message. It's a very simple one.

Tell her that, uh,

i want to spend the rest of my life with her.

I was hoping that that's what you would want, too.

Oh, well, that's impossible.

Why?

When I saw you this afternoon, I --

I knew what was missing in my life.

I have a commitment.

Had a commitment. I had one, too.

We both served our time.

Steve... I like what I do.

In 48 hours, I'll be in acapulco

with my children in the convent school,

and you -- well, you'll be where you are.

And we'll both be back on track.

Right now, I think we're living a little in the past.

I'm not talking past. I'm talking future.

Well, old honesty makes me admit

that I've always been attracted to you,

but, Steve, the church is my life,

and I can't change.

Why?

Come on. Give me a hand. It's gotta be in one of these.

What's gotta be in one of these?

A $5,000 diamond ring.

Hey, listen, why don't you just lie down and relax?

How can I with 5 grand worth of diamonds in one of these birds?

Well, maybe it's in one of the cute little fishies.

Racing car, tank, but no diamond ring!

Well, those are the breaks.

You saw it.

Remember that ring I found? It's real!

What do you mean it's real?

A passenger lost it -- $5,000 real!

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I didn't put it in there. I kept it.

That's a relief. Well, let's have it.

I gave it to Celia for a joke.

Well, unless you can afford 5 grand for a laugh,

you better get it back.

I'm sure he was only making a joke.

Oh, never.

On the kind of money that boy makes,

he could never afford this kind of a joke.

Only an assistant purser --

we'll have to do something about that.

A quick promotion! Your father can arrange it.

No, mother, please --

I was hoping for the doctor,

but, well, beggars can't be choosers.

I hardly even know him.

Oh, please, dear, don't bother me with trifles.

Now, the thing that we have to do is find a decent caterer

who can do something besides a soggy quiche.

[ Knock on door ]

For the wedding cake, we'll get Mr. Belmont to do that.

Oh, uh, hi. Oh, could I speak to Celia for a minute?

Oh, well, just for a minute.

You know, this thing has really drained us,

and I don't even know your full name.

Burl Smith.

Smith? Just plain, s-m-i-t -- [ Laughs ]

Oh, well, I suppose it can't be helped.

Ooh! I came about the ring.

And I don't know a thing about your people.

Gopher, did you really mean what you said?

Of course he did.

Oh, darling, please don't sniffle.

It's not the least bit becoming.

She's totally distraught.

Now, darling, why don't you run along, get ready for bed,

and we'll talk about things in the morning?

You know, we had these piñatas --

i think perhaps you better come back, too, in the morning.

We'll all have clearer heads.

Yeah, but this will only take a second.

See, I just wanted to talk about the ring.

Oh, well, don't apologize.

It's not much, but it'll just have to do.

No, no. I meant --

you know, you two are really quite naughty.

Rushing things along like this --

it's not at all the way I had planned

for Celia to become engaged.

Yeah, but I just wanted --

goodbye!

[ Sighs ]

Engaged?

You know, it never ceases to amaze me

when a stunning-looking girl like her

settles for a -- well, you know -- ordinary type.

Mm. The ordinary type should be grateful. [ Chuckles ]

I'm speaking for myself, of course.

Well, now, of course.

Well, I think it's just a simple case of opposites attracting.

Oh, it's more than opposites.

That girl is dating right out of her species.

You know, I'd like to interview her,

but I think that she would resent it.

Not her -- she's a big fan of yours.

I mean, she heard a rumor you were here

and said she was determined to find you.

Oh, a lady of good taste, as well.

In that case, I definitely will introduce myself.

Gopher, you can't stay in your cabin for the whole cruise.

You'll lose your job.

What else can I do?

You have to tell her mother you're not engaged.

After which, you will also lose your job.

It's Celia that I feel for. She doesn't get around much.

Now she's finally starting to grow,

and I have to tell her that it was all a great big joke.

"Hey, Celia, guess what?

The ring I gave ya -- it's just a plastic toy from a piñata."

Great, huh?

The poor kid doesn't have enough confidence as it is

with her mother always putting her down.

This will probably really squash her.

Gopher, it has to be done.

I already spoke with the girl who lost her ring,

and she understands, but she wants her ring back.

Hey, you know what might make Celia feel better?

What?

If she were to break off the engagement

and give the ring back on her own.

Wait a minute.

You mean try to convince her that I am not charming

and wonderful and totally delightful?

Exactly.

That'd be a tough sell.

Feeny, the deal is off.

I refuse to have anything more to do with you.

You cheated and didn't grow old with me.

Oh, come on. Just one more game?

I'll let you win.

Can I trust her?

No, I'm not going to take a chance.

Well, if you meant what you said about retiring,

you'd have plenty of time to keep yourself in shape.

Well, I meant it, all right. I'm through.

I'm gonna leave everything for the youngbloods coming up,

just like you ought to do.

A new commercial coming up.

Well, I'm selling you a great product.

You know something, Steve?

You haven't let up on the work.

You've been to the ship-to-shore telephone

at least a dozen times.

Well, just tying up loose ends.

No, I'm through.

I'm going to devote full-time to an elusive Patty feeny.

And I wouldn't want you to change from the person you are.

I wouldn't want you any different.

And you can go on doing good works.

But from now on, we're gonna do them together.

Brother Brian...

You have a way of being mighty unsettling.

And you have a way of being mighty special.

Well, we're all mighty special, but sometimes we forget it.

You are very wise -- wise enough, I hope,

not to let the rest of our years slip away from us.

Attention, please --

ladies and gentlemen, we will be leaving port in 30 minutes.

The next stop -- acapulco.

You know, it's so late, we hardly have time to change for dinner.

It was a wonderful afternoon, wasn't it?

Mm-hmm. One of the best of the century.

Mm-hmm. Just think -- tomorrow, acapulco.

Now, what, dear jonesy, are we gonna do in acapulco?

Oh, they have a wonderful library and a museum.

Or?

Or a beach cabana with mariachis and margaritas.

Oh, tough choice.

Yes, I prefer the educational.

Me, too, so it's margaritas and mariachis.

You know, you, uh, haven't autographed my book yet.

Well, one thing led to another, and I forgot.

You could do it now.

True, true.

Or one thing could lead to another.

Hmm. It's certainly worth a try.

Um, excuse me.

I wonder if you could spare a minute.

For what?

In the interest of the humanities,

I'm -- I'm conducting a survey.

You certainly picked the wrong time.

My apologies.

Uh, perhaps we could talk tomorrow before we dock.

Yes, I think that'd be a lot better.

I'm Dr. Marbey.

He's Dr. Marbey. Aren't you, jonesy?

I'm Dr. Michael marbey.

You're Dr. Marbey. Aren't you, jonesy?

Aren't you, jonesy?

I'm sorry, Evie.

[ Door closes ]

Is there a problem?

Is gopher here? He phoned me.

He's up on the top deck. He's trying to sober up.

Sober up?

Yeah. Listen, take some advice from me --

before anything serious happens, dump him.

He's been like that ever since his first wife left him.

He's been married before?

Three times.

But he's so young.

Betty, Carol, Ann... And Peggy.

That's four.

What do you know?

He didn't even tell me about the last one.

I can't believe it.

Sorry. He's -- he's always like this.

You all right, man?

Gopher!

[ Slurred speech ] Betty!

Carol!

Ann!

Peggy!

Peggy?

Ha ha! All right.

You poor boy.

Listen, we'll work this out... Together.

Okay?

Hey, baby, don't you wanna join me

in a couple of boilermakers?

Not now,

but, uh, stop by later in my cabin and see me, Mr. Smith.

[ Normal voice ] I should probably change.

Your life.

Well, this is it.

Now, we're here,

and we'll be at acapulco tomorrow morning --

a straight course.

A straight course.

I understand what you're feeling.

I once had my own time for decision --

the sea or a home ashore with a lovely lady.

Why do we ever let it come to that?

Any regrets?

There would have been regrets either way.

That's Hobson's choice.

Sometimes, it's very painful.

And then again, it's filled with joy.

Hmm. It's obvious he cares for you very much.

Well, I care for him, too.

We've shared a lot together.

And now I meet him again,

and in these few days, I've relived my entire life.

And what he wants...

That would mean rethinking my entire existence.

It would be a big change, and everything resists change,

even this ship.

After the rudder turns, the big ship continues on,

sometimes for a mile before accepting the new direction.

Like us, it wants things to go on like they always were.

Staying on course?

Mm-hmm.

That sounds right, but is it?

Well, we'll know in 24 hours.

I wish you the best,

though I honestly don't know which way I'll be rooting.

Neither do I.

Oh, sister Patricia.

Hi! Mr. Brian had to leave the ship early.

Oh?

Yes. He left at dawn, said he didn't want to disturb you.

Oh, and he also said

he was going to stop by the local news bureau and --

tie up some loose ends.

Yes.

Well, it's time that I leave.

They're expecting me at the convent.

Oh, he said he'd meet you there at noon to pick you up

and also that he was saying his prayers.

Well, it's about time.

Thank you.

Oh, sister?

Vaya con dios.

Amen.

What are you doing here?

I got a note from Dr. Marbey to meet him here.

Oh, I get it. You don't know when to quit, do you?

I didn't send it. I got one, too.

Correct. I sent them both.

After all, you know,

I feel a twinge of responsibility for your breakup,

and I've decided to show you how easy it is

for your relationship to be restored.

All you need is a supreme authority.

Oh, forget it.

You did me a favor getting rid of this two-bit phony!

Oh, now, that's not fair.

Obviously, both of you have enormous amounts

of latent anger in you that have to be expressed.

Don't talk to me about fair!

You're the one that lied to me about who you were!

I didn't tell you who I was! You did! You started it.

I have brought along

a rather crude little demonstration

of your problem -- simple sexual miscommunication.

Man, woman -- as you observe, they're not open to each other.

You had plenty of time to explain, but what did you do?!

You just kept stringing me along, you little pip-squeak!

Now, being derisive is not a practical therapeutic Avenue.

Open yourself up to him. There's no need to call names.

Pip-squeak! Pip-squeak!

I'd rather be a pip-squeak than a hypocrite.

Now, young man,

your psychic reactor should be open to her, too, you know?

Hypocrite?!

How dare you call me a hypocrite!

You poured your heart out to me

about how you hated people who judged only by appearance.

Now, what have you done to me?

Sometimes, as you see, there's open here and sometimes closed there.

Now, hypothetically, it might be closed there or open here.

Sometimes, one end is open this way...

You became interested in me

because of who you thought I was, not who I really was.

You didn't have to lie to me.

What you don't realize is that the "who" you fell in love with --

that's right, love -- was not some phony image.

It was me.

...like this, but not...

That's right -- not Dr. Dingbat,

but this guy right here, numero uno.

...rotate your whole being antennas.

Distance all of yourself from preconceptions.

Rotate! Rotate! Just keep rotating --

just shut up!!

Shut up!!

You're right about one thing --

I should have said something sooner.

But I didn't want to lose you.

Oh, jonesy.

I want you, but, um...

...you think you could love a pip-squeak?

No, but I can love you.

Oh, um, by the way, I ought to introduce myself.

I'm, uh, Dr. -- that's not m.D., phd --

wilferd -- you're gonna love this -- Jones.

[ Laughing ] Oh, jonesy.

[ Both laughing ]

Well, another success!

You did it again, marbey.

Gopher, you've just got to tell her

you never intended an engagement.

Doc! You tell her.

You'll be better at it. You understand women.

You've been divorced three times.

Poor kid.

She'll kill herself.

Sit here.

You haven't even kissed me yet.

Yeah, well, I don't think you're gonna want me to

when you hear what I have to say.

Go ahead. I'll take a chance.

Ce-- Celia...

You're a special girl.

You are, and that's why I hate what I have to say.

That the engagement was never meant to be?

Oh, it's worse than that.

You see, the engagement was never --

it's okay, goph.

Celia? Now, we don't want any vulgarity.

Celia, dear,

I've just been thinking about the silver pattern.

No pattern, mother -- the engagement is off.

I've decided that gopher and I are just gonna be good friends.

Good friends?

I've already phoned an order for my dress.

Oh, Celia, you can't do this to me.

Oh! My poor head.

Maybe you should see Dr. Bricker.

Celia, I'm shocked.

Good. Now please leave us alone.

What's going on here?

I almost had my dress ordered, too.

I was in the bar a few minutes ago.

Isaac told me the whole story,

so I gave the ring back to Betty.

Ah. Celia, I feel awful.

So did I at first, but it's okay.

It was fun being engaged, even by mistake.

And, gopher, you did me the biggest favor.

Now my mother has seen

that I can not only find a guy by myself,

but I can also turn one down,

so maybe she'll give me some breathing space.

Amen.

It wasn't all her fault.

I have to be more confident about leading my own life,

and I'm gonna do just that.

I see.

[ French accent ] Well, um, newly confident girl,

I'm off duty.

Would you like to go for a little run ashore

with your ex-fiancé?

Thanks, but I'm gonna go with the gang.

And besides, it wouldn't be fair

to Betty, Carol, Ann, or Peggy.

Gonna kill herself, huh? Sounds like a fun funeral.

It is so beautiful, sister, and so peaceful.

Later, when the children come out of the classroom,

it will not be so peaceful.

Beautiful, yes, but peaceful... [ Chuckles ]

Pardon me, sister Patricia.

Are you feeling well? Was the trip too strenuous?

Oh, no. No. The trip was fine.

As a matter of fact, it was delightful.

I'm glad you found it enjoyable.

We have a visitor. We can resume later.

Excuse me, sister.

Uh, sister Patricia?

Hi.

You know, this is the first time I've seen you --

look like a nun?

I'm still the same old Patty feeny.

I'm sorry I'm late, but phone calls, lawyers...

Sounds like they need you.

They can get along very well without me.

Can you get along without them?

[ Laughing ] Yeah. You just watch.

Come on. Change your clothes. We gotta catch a boat.

We're so much alike, Steve.

We have a purpose in life, and that purpose is our life.

You know, if I had a question,

it was answered the moment I stepped foot in this convent

and I saw the faces of those little children in the school.

They're my purpose,

and I'll be very happy and very fulfilled.

Patty, don't do this to us.

When I was a little girl and I wanted to keep from crying,

I used to go into our backyard, and I'd look up at the sky,

and I'd talk to god, and i'd talk to myself

until the pain in my heart went away.

Patty, we belong to each other.

I've never been more sure of anything.

Goodbye, Steve.

Will we meet again?

Another time, another place.

But this other time, this other place,

does it ever really happen?

I've never been more sure of anything.

Vaya con dios, Steve.

Bye, goph.

You look super.

Are you sure you wouldn't consider unjilting me?

I'll be too busy.

I'm gonna get a job, move into my own apartment,

and really make it on my own.

That's great.

But I'll always remember my first love.

Oh, one thing.

Hmm?

Try and stay sober, huh?

Oh, doctor, we hope you enjoyed your cruise.

Well, your captain is certainly a man of his word.

He didn't tell a single soul that I was aboard.

During the whole trip,

not one person asked for autographs or advice.

As a matter of fact, doctor, I have a few questions to ask.

Vicki! Doctor, she'll get back to you in a few years,

won't you?

Goodbye. Thanks for sailing with us.

Well, everything worked, huh, Mr. Jones?

Oh, you can call me "doctor."

Will you do me a favor?

Will you tell the captain, "thank you, thank you, thank you

for not telling me who Dr. Marbey was"?

Right. I'm sure he'll be happy not to have been of service.

Come along, dear. Let's go autograph some books.

You know, I just received

the most disturbing message from my husband. Oh?

He's thinking of selling all his stock in this cruise line.

He is?

But I'll still be coming on the cruises.

I have another daughter, you know,

and I'm sure you're going to like her.

Well, that all depends on your husband.

Well, so long, Steve. What can I say?

Ah, the usual cliché is,

"everything turned out for the best."

You going back to the job?

Yep, but I'm gonna practice up on my paddleball

just in case there's a big hereafter.

I want to be ready. [ Chuckles ]

So long.

Goodbye.