Original subtitles

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

Excuse me, sir.

Uh, miss.

Yes?

I'm Mr. Heyman.

I just came from my cabin, and it's the wrong one.

And I'm his wife, and I'm in the same cabin,

so mine must be wrong, too.

Well, don't worry.

I'll take care of everything right after we sail,

but right now I have to go out on deck

and welcome the Dallas cowboys cheerleaders.

Excuse me.

Gee, that sounds like fun. Let's go watch the cheerleaders.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Are you crazy?

We have half a million dollars in diamonds to find.

Come on.

Ohh.

I've been neglecting my reading for months.

I thought I'd start to catch up.

Hey, me too. This trip, instead of wasting my spare time,

I thought I'd improve my mind.

Excuse me, please. One side. Watch it. Trying to get through.

Hey, relax, man. Relax. What is it?

Guys, please! I just want to get through!

Take it easy!

Do you mind, guys? I just --

gopher, you're an officer of this ship.

You're supposed to conduct yourself

with the proper decorum.

Will you please --

listen, gopher, how can you command respect when you act

like an immature kid?

Oh, sorry. I apologize.

Accepted. Now what is the big rush?

Nothing. It's just that the Dallas cowboys cheerleaders

have come onboard, and I want to get a look.

Wait a minute!

[ Drumroll ]

Ladies and gentlemen, here they are!

Welcome aboard the Dallas cowboys cheerleaders!

[ Peppy music plays ]

Ohh.

Ohh.

[ Music continues ]

[ Music stops ]

Watch the professor. Maybe you'll learn something.

Hi.

On behalf of the entire ship,

but especially myself, welcome aboard.

Oh, I didn't expect to find such a young captain.

Well, actually, I'm not the captain.

Oh?

I'm the ship's doctor.

My father's a doctor.

Oh?

Maybe you know him. He's about your age.

Nice going, professor.

Well, uh, if there's anything I can do, just holler.

Yee-haw!

Yee-haw!

Yee-haw!

Yee-haw!

[ Laughter ]

[ Gasps ] Don't look now, Stacey.

Isn't that the guy who's been chasing you all over Dallas?

Oh, no.

I guess he came to see you off.

Some guys just can't take no for an answer.

Uh-oh. Sherlock Holmes has picked up your trail.

Hi. I'm Mark Scott. We met in Dallas.

Did Stacey sherman make the trip with you?

Stacey? Um, I don't see her.

Yeah. Better tie your shoelaces. You might trip.

Hi, Stacey.

Oh, Mark. Hi.

Tying my shoelaces.

It was nice of you to come see me off.

Oh, I'm not seeing you off. I'm coming.

Excuse us.

Look, Mark, I don't know what you're trying to prove,

but there is nothing between us.

There never has been anything between us,

and there never will be anything between us, period.

I understand.

Good.

How about drinks on lido deck in an hour?

Now, bill...

Mm-hmm.

At first, Wendy's liable to be a little standoffish.

She might be a lot standoffish.

She never did approve of the men I went with.

Ellen, I've never seen you quite so nervous.

Now calm down. Everything's gonna be just fine.

I want you to get to know each other really well.

Your wish, memsahib, is my command.

The sooner she gets to know you,

the sooner she'll learn to love you.

Mm-hmm.

And that'll be two of us that loves you.

Mm-hmm.

[ Both chuckle ]

Listen, I better go check in.

You wait right here.

Don't you move. I'll be right back.

If you're missing, I'll cut my throat.

Mom!

Wendy!

Ohhh!

Mom, about bill --

now, honey, now, give him a chance.

You'll like him. I know you will.

Wait till you meet him. He's kind, and he's considerate.

He's got a cute sense of humor, and he's romantic, and --

and here he is.

This is bill Kelly.

My daughter Wendy.

Bill!

Oh, bill, welcome to the family.

Listen, I have to check in with the other girls,

but we'll get better acquainted afterwards, okay?

Ohh.

I'm amazed.

She actually sounded like she was happy to meet you.

And I only had my charm turned on "low," too.

Attention all visitors -- final call.

10 minutes to sailing.

I've got to hand it to you, captain.

It's going to be a wonderful show.

Well, thanks to you and Mrs. Hartnett.

Without your support, there wouldn't be this charity cruise

or an acapulco orphanage.

Well, the hartnett greeting card company became successful

catering to those fortunate enough to have families.

It's only right that we remember those who don't.

Oh, speaking of families, aren't we supposed to meet

your new vice president and his family?

Yes. Paul Turner, but I don't see him yet.

He's a fine young man with a wonderful family,

so I understand. I can't wait to meet them.

Yes. Well, if you have any problems on the cruise,

let me know.

I'll see what I can do.

Oh, captain, I hear you have

the smoothest-running ship in the fleet.

What could possibly go wrong?

Shh! That's what the captain of the Titanic said.

Uh, excuse me.

My name is Paul Turner, and I was delayed at the office.

Has, uh -- has my family arrived yet?

Yes, sir, about 10 minutes ago.

They did?

Yes. Don't you remember --

two ladies and a boy with brown hair?

Ahh.

Brown hair? That's, uh...

That's your son.

Right again. Right. My son with the brown hair.

Would you mind pointing him out to me?

I mean, would you mind telling me where my family is?

They're right over there.

There we go. That's right. Oh, yes, thank you.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Are you folks from the glazer talent agency?

Right.

That's us.

Say, this isn't gonna be such a bad job after all.

You're cute.

That's nice. Pretend like we know each other, okay?

Hi, mom. Hi. Oh, very nice.

Um, ha ha ha ha.

My name is Paul Turner. And you are?

Mabel Higgins.

I'm supposed to be playing your mother.

Right. Right.

Would you like a couple of beers?

No, thank you.

Some son you turned out to be.

Wait a minute.

How old are you? I asked for a 12-year-old.

I can fake being 12.

I'm Lola lachey.

I'm playing your wife, and I don't have to fake it.

Yeah. Well, you're doing a nice job.

It's really too much. Too much.

Oh, you see, Mr. Hartnett is my boss.

He insists that all his employees be family men.

I wanted this job real badly, so I lied on my application.

Anyway, everything was going good, and then he asked us

to take our family on this trip, and...

Oh, we get the picture. Welcome to the family, son.

Mom, son, and, well...

Family -- let's go, family.

Nice. Hi, kids. [ Mumbles ]

Whew!

Uh, cabin a-216.

That's below deck, it's the port side,

just aft of the beam. Downstairs to your left.

"Aft of the beam"?

I'm gonna be the world's first 12-year-old girl captain.

Has miss Logan come onboard yet?

I haven't seen her, captain merrill.

Me neither, sir.

Are you sure?

Sir, Stella Logan is my all-time favorite movie actress.

If she came onboard, I would notice her.

Well, I just want to be safe.

There's no way she can get by without my recognizing her.

Blond hair, blue eyes, beauty Mark on the right side.

It's not on the right side, it's on the left side.

Sir, take my word for it -- it is on the right side.

The left side.

The right side.

The left side.

Madam, would you keep out of this, please?

Sir, I know for a fact it is on the right s--

originally. Then she went to Hollywood,

they changed her name and moved the beauty Mark.

Come, Vicki. We have work to do.

Nice meeting you!

It's just the excitement of seeing you, miss Logan.

He's not the only one who feels that way.

I'm captain merrill stubing. Welcome aboard.

Captain stubing, so happy to meet you.

We were all thrilled when you agreed to be chairperson

for our charity cruise.

My only regret is you won't be performing.

Well, there's just been so much work

organizing the annual drive for the orphanage.

Besides, I'm far too rusty.

Stella Logan? Never.

Won't you reconsider?

Some other time, but it's awfully nice to be asked.

Well, it looks like it's going to be a wonderful cruise...

Maybe.

Stella! My dear.

What are you doing here?

Are you on vacation or hiding out after your last picture?

Neither one.

Oh, captain stubing, this is Elliot Norman,

the renowned critic and winner

of this year's idi amin humanitarian award.

Well, everyone has heard of Mr. Norman --

the critic who can kill a play or career with a single word.

Captain, I sincerely hope that you know more about the sea

than you do about the theater.

Yes. Well... I'll be looking forward

to having both of you at my table for dinner.

Oh, thank you very much.

Thank you, captain. You're very gracious.

Nice to be aboard.

Well, you've done it again.

You've been aboard 30 seconds,

and already you've insulted the captain.

Part of my charm, I think -- don't you?

Well, Stella, now getting back to you.

That last film of yours --

how in the world did you pick anything so utterly worthless?

I've had practice...

Or have you forgotten?

I was once engaged to you.

You never had it so good.

[ Air horn blows ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

We gotta get into the same cabin we had last time,

and we gotta get our hands on that lamp.

Ooh, I hope the diamonds are still in it.

I love diamonds.

"I, I, I." What about me?

"Me love diamonds"?

We should have smuggled them off on the last trip.

[ Laughs ]

Didn't you see the dock swarming with customs officials?

They were on to something.

We would have paid a fortune in duty.

Now...the heat's off.

Yeah. You're telling me the heat's off.

Our marriage is as cold as tomorrow's TV dinner.

Look...

We don't cut it together anymore, okay?

So let's get our hands on the diamonds, divvy 'em up,

and we can each go our own way.

Huh?

Whatever you say.

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

Hi. I'm sorry I was so abrupt with you earlier.

Oh, that's okay. Look, uh...

We took this cruise a month ago,

and we specifically asked for the same cabin again --

coral deck, room 101.

Oh, well, that's the problem.

You see, for the past 4 weeks,

we've been expanding our crew quarters,

and coral 101 is now gopher's cabin.

Gopher?

Our purser.

[ Chuckles ]

That's neat.

How do you train an animal to do that?

No. You see, "gopher" is our purser's nickname.

Oh.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you with this,

but I'm sure you'll be very happy in this cabin.

If there's anything else I can do --

oh, no thanks. That's, uh, quite all right.

"How did you train an animal to do that?"

It's not an animal.

Didn't you hear? It's the purser's nickname.

Here you are. Thank you very much.

Ahhh.

No, no. No, no, no, no.

It's real comfy.

Oh. Oh. Up, up. Oh, no. Yeah. Pull. Up. Up.

[ Stammering ]

Look, why don't you and grandma

go inside and let me and daddy rest a bit, huh?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You see, uh, ohhh.

Why don't you share the room with Mrs. Higgins,

and the boy and I will sleep here?

That's a better idea.

Look, I'm a method actress. Don't you know what that means?

You're a good one, too.

Yes, I know that. I know what that is.

It means that I have to live the part I'm playing.

If I'm going to act the part of your wife,

I have to do all the things your wife would do.

You do?

I do.

Well, why don't you try nagging instead?

Hey, listen, if we're bunking together, I gotta warn you --

you snore, I kick. Got it?

How will I know I'm snoring if I'm sleeping?

Better wear shinguards to bed.

[ Glass breaks ]

An entire six-pack. [ Groans ]

I can't take it!

Cute.

Ohh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm -- no, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I just ran out of the room, and I didn't, uh...

Sorry.

Oh, it's all right. No, I'm --

I didn't mean to bump in to you.

Oh, no. I bumped in to you. I just --

[ mumbles ]

[ Sighs ]

My fault.

I'm really sorry.

No, no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry. Oh, I'm sorry sorry.

Bye.

[ Sighs ]

Wow.

I'm irresistible.

[ Disco music plays ]

They're worth all the effort we went through to get them.

They're fabulous.

Yeah. If we could harness all that energy,

we wouldn't have to worry about a fuel shortage.

And just think -- this is only a rehearsal.

[ Music continues ]

I think I'm getting too much sun.

I'm gonna go back to the cabin and take a nap.

Do you want to join me?

Oh, um...

Why don't you run along?

I'll stay and keep an eye on Wendy. Hmm?

Okay.

Attagirl, Wendy.

[ Audience clapping ]

Okay, girls, that's it for now.

[ Music stops ]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, but you needn't applaud.

Just a simple reverent bow would be quite enough.

Excuse me, but I think i'd better get back to work.

See you later.

Well, I think I'd better get back to work, too.

Oh, please, Stella, not again. I show up and you leave --

is that gonna happen all through the cruise?

I hope not.

I mean, I hope you're not going to keep showing up.

I think I could get used to this life.

Yeah. Too bad the cowboys can't play football on a ship.

I don't see your friend Mark around.

I guess he got the hint.

Don't bet on it.

That guy never quits.

He's cute, Stacey. Why don't you give him a chance?

He just doesn't appeal to me. There's no chemistry.

Maybe you're suffering from a chemical imbalance.

[ Chuckles ]

No. There's just too much going on in my life right now

for me to have time to even think

about getting serious with a man,

especially him.

Mm.

I'd like to set up shop with your rejects.

Hey, that's a great idea.

You're my friends -- save my life.

All you have to do is keep him occupied.

Keep him busy for about three days.

That way he doesn't have time to bother me.

Oh, please. Come on, please.

Hi. For you.

Isaac's best health-food drink -- an egg, a banana...

Come on, Mark.

Let's see if you're as handsome when you're wet.

Take my word for it.

Oh, excuse me, captain. Are you very busy?

Oh, no. Thank you, Jeff.

Excuse me, but could I have a moment of your time?

I realize that it's very much off-limits,

but I very much need your advice.

Oh, you want advice?

Strange, isn't it?

Especially coming from someone who has spent his lifetime

telling other people what they're doing is wrong.

Well, how can I help you?

Well, I'll make it brief.

I have written a musical, and I think it's good.

So far, no problem.

Oh, big problem.

Now, the leading role requires an actress of enormous talent.

She must have great warmth and wit, be strong yet vulnerable,

glamorous yet real --

well, in other words, Stella Logan.

And she turned you down?

She doesn't even know the play exists.

But I know that if I asked her to read it, she'd refuse.

Because you wrote it.

Stella and I were once... Very much in love.

And when that ended, I was very, very hurt indeed,

and I was angry.

Perhaps unconsciously, I looked for flaws in her performance,

maybe found some that weren't even there,

and I wrote about them.

Well, in that case, I couldn't blame her for turning you down.

I wish you luck.

I would stand a chance if someone else gave her the play,

said it was from some -- oh, I don't know --

some young playwright. Then she might read it.

Especially if that someone were a person she respected,

trusted, looked up to.

Did you ever sell refrigerators to eskimos?

No...

Air conditioners.

We gotta find that gopher guy.

I'm getting nervous about the lamp.

Relax. Do you like my dress?

I bought it for the cruise.

So what else is new?

Oh, my shoes and my purse.

Don't you ever get tired of shopping?

Well, what else is there to do?

You're always out with the guys or sitting in front of the TV

watching football or baseball or --

what's that other one --

the one with the sticks and the skates and the ice?

It's hockey!

Are you sure?

Hey, gopher!

Hey. There's our guy.

He's got the lamp.

You, uh...

Think you can handle him? Huh?

Sure.

Besides, if I'm going to be single again,

I'd better get used to it.

Anyway, there I was,

fresh out of college with just a diploma --

you've been monopolizing the entire conversation.

I want to get to know your family better.

The family would love to get to know you better, too, Ted.

Uh, Fred.

Son.

Yes, dad?

Clean up your act or swim home.

How about some dessert?

We haven't even had the soup yet.

Right. That's right.

Well, we're all such creatures of habit,

it's nice to change things around every now and then,

don't you think?

No, I don't think.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Hey, the rest of the girls aren't here yet,

but if you'd like, I can show you to your table.

Oh, thanks, Julie. I'll wait for them here.

Okay, but watch out for flying butter.

Who's he?

Hi. Guess who.

Mark. Whoopee.

I reserved an intimate table for two.

Oh, I have to eat with the rest of the girls. Sorry.

Well, I talked to your director, Suzanne.

She said it's okay.

Mark, I told you.

There you are.

We've been looking all over for you.

I was --

you're not trying to stand us up for dinner, are you?

Dinner?

Dinner? I thought you'd never ask.

We'd love too.

Hi.

Does that mean you're free for dinner?

Oh, if you don't mind eating at an intimate table for two.

Well, actually, I'd rather be with a bunch of guys,

but what has to be has to be.

Oh, I bet you're a real heartbreaker.

Moi?

I am very impressed with you, Wendy.

You girls really work hard.

It's rigorous, but we've got to stay in shape.

All this talk about exercise is making me hungry.

Wendy, is that all you're having -- a salad?

When I was little, she had to bully me to eat my Greens.

Now, that's not true.

I never bullied you -- I bribed you.

[ Laughter ]

Here -- have a little taste of fettuccine.

There's not enough room in my uniform for a little fettuccine.

But it's just a mouthful.

Mother, I'm in training.

I do think Wendy knows what's best for her.

All you need is one look to tell that.

But there's no reason you shouldn't eat.

You're not in training. Hmm?

It was a very small part, but it was my first Broadway show,

and I stood on the stage and went absolutely blank.

Oh, it must have been a horrible feeling.

Oh, the worst.

I couldn't remember one single word.

I remember. I reviewed the show.

Oh, yes.

And you said my performance was "unforgettable."

That was rather clever of me, I thought.

Oh, very clever of you.

I can't begin to tell you how thrilled I was

to be the butt of one of your little jokes.

Yes, well, uh, speaking of plays,

there's a young writer I know

who learned that you were coming onboard,

and he asked me if I could get you to read his play.

He wrote it especially for you.

Oh, captain...

Well, I'd love to, but, really, I have too much work to do.

I'd be delighted to read it, captain --

well, I mean, that is, if the young playwright

can take professional criticism.

No. I wouldn't put anyone through that.

I'll read it.

You're very kind, miss Logan.

I know how much he'll appreciate it.

[ Disco music plays ]

I don't know how they remember all those different steps.

Disco's not that hard. You want to try it?

The last new dance I learned was a waltz.

You know, you really hooked yourself up

with an old stick-in-the-mud.

Lady, I would rather waltz with you

than boogie with anyone else.

Ohh.

Dipping is such fun.

Hey! How come you two aren't out there dancing?

We're waiting for the dipping music.

And what about you?

Nobody's asked me.

Well, I can remedy that right now.

Would you care to boogie?

I would love to.

And I promise you the very next waltz.

Would you excuse me?

Sure.

Excuse me.

Mark! Mark, let's dance.

Sure.

I thought he'd never leave.

[ Music continues ]

Excuse me.

Would you ask the band to play a waltz?

A waltz? Sure.

Oh, it's on me. I'm a Strauss freak.

Hey.

[ Slurping ]

[ Blows ]

Ah!

Knock it off!

Don't blame me. It's hereditary.

May I have another zombie?

No.

A Cuba libre?

No.

What about a Mai Tai?

Why do you drink so much?

It all started when vivien Leigh

beat me out for "gone with the wind."

Hi! How's everybody doing tonight?

Not bad, cutie.

How about yourself?

Uh, good.

I like sailors. I remember --

uh, ciao. Ciao. Ciao.

Ahoy.

Stop it! Stop it!

I want you all to behave yourselves.

[ Slurping ]

Now cut that out!

All right. You can have a...

A what?

...cup of coffee.

Oh, what a thrill.

Excuse me.

Anchors aweigh.

Hi, Isaac.

Can I have a --

oh, wow!

An "oh, wow"?

That was fantastic.

It was fantastic?

And I don't even know what I put in it.

What?

Huh?

Make that a double.

Oh.

Hey, hey.

There's the gopher.

Oh...

Hi.

Good evening.

Well, not yet, but it could be if I'm lucky.

I beg your pardon?

I've had my eye on you all day.

You're kidding.

Did anyone ever tell you you're a very attractive man?

You know something?

This must be my night, because that girl over there --

she just called me "cutie." Hmm?

Well, she has good taste, but she'll never get you back.

Oh, we leaving?

Bill is fabulous.

I could dance with him all night.

You bring out the teenager in me, young lady.

It looks like you need a drink, too.

I'll order us some. How about you, honey?

How about a geritol fizz?

I'll be right back.

Oh, mom, bill's everything you said he was.

He really is perfect.

Did I say that?

Uh-huh.

All right. He's perfect, but perfection isn't everything.

I bet he snores, or worse yet, cracks his knuckles,

and I know how you love that.

Did you notice his teeth? I bet you he has caps.

When you love someone, those things don't matter.

He's a Pittsburgh steelers fan.

Oh, hey, I happened --

you promised you wouldn't say anything.

Well, for one more dance, I'll forgive and forget.

Okay. Pittsburgh... I'm awful sorry.

There you go.

Thank you very much, miss Logan.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hi.

And what is your name?

Vicki, and I've seen every one of your movies.

How old are you, Vicki?

12.

You must have seen one a week since birth.

Thank you again, miss Logan.

My pleasure.

[ Music stops ]

[ Applause ]

Thank you. That's my bar tab.

You never were a very big tipper, were you?

Now, why did I have to run in to you on this cruise? Why?

Call it fate, kismet.

Rotten luck.

Stella, darling, seriously, honestly...

Have you no feeling for me left at all?

Yes.

My analyst calls it deep-seated hatred.

Well, you're luckier than I am.

My analyst says I'm still hopelessly in love with you.

Is it so unbelievable?

Oh, I know the classic third act is boy gets girl,

and you and I are beyond the boy-and-girl stage,

but we still could have our happy ending, you know?

Elliot --

oh, I know I've written some rotten things

about you in the past,

but, dear, you must learn the difference

between the personal and the professional.

Now, for instance, I have a friend

who has this beautiful thoroughbred horse --

a most exquisite animal, perfectly wonderful,

but I doubt if I'd bet on him.

[ Laughing ] In fact, a friend of mine said

that he couldn't win a race if his tail were on fire.

Is that what you're comparing me to -- a horse?

Oh, but that's a bad analogy.

So that's what I am --

a horse that can't run with his tail on fire?

Now, darling --

I'd like to see your tail on fire.

As a matter of fact, I'd like to strike the match.

What are you looking at?

You're so handsome. I can't wait to see your cabin.

Right. Well, actually, it's not much of a cabin.

We'd probably be more comfortable in yours.

Oh, no! I mean -- I mean, going to your cabin

makes me feel much more romantic.

Well, on second thought, you'll probably love it.

Right.

Look, if you'd rather go to your cabin --

oh, no, no.

This has everything -- everything I could ever want.

Don't you want to go freshen up first?

Freshen up?

Uh-huh.

Right. Right. I was gonna do that.

Sorry to be so long.

Oh, is there a problem with that?

Here. Wait a minute. Maybe the bulb's loose.

Oh, it's beautiful.

So are you.

Very unusual.

Yeah. There are only two like it.

Two? Oh. You're lucky to have a pair.

Well, I only have one left.

Oh.

Yeah. I swapped it with Isaac...

Isaac?

...for this.

Yeah. It's much better for reading in bed...

And other things.

I'm bushed.

Me too. Bushed.

Ohh.

Yeah. I'm really bushed.

Well, thanks for a lovely evening.

Whoa! Wait a minute.

If you like, we can just use that for reading, you know?!

Norma!

Keep in touch!

Capt. Stubing: Welcome to puerto vallarta.

The temperature is a glorious 80 degrees.

Have a nice day.

All set?

Be ready in a minute.

I'm writing Suzanne a note so she knows where I'm going.

Oh.

Wendy, this is very sweet of you, but you shouldn't.

I want to do it.

It's my gift to both of you.

Look, how often does a girl get a chance to buy wedding rings

for her mother and father?

Oh, I know she's gonna love it, and so will I.

You're terrific.

Are you sure mother will be sleeping late?

Well, with the way she was dancing last night,

her legs won't wake up until noon.

Good. We'll be back before she knows we're gone.

I can't wait to see her face when we surprise her.

This is for Suzanne Mitchell.

Thank you.

47...

...48...

...49...

...50...

...51...

...52...

...53...

...54...

...55...

...56...

You guys act like you've never seen a woman before.

Oh, those aren't just women, those are works of art.

Works of art?

I think you all ought to have your heads examined.

I don't care if my head's broken, as long as my eyes work.

...64...

I think they're falling for me, man.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Look at how hard they're breathing.

Oh, really?

Hey, isn't that Roger staubach, the Dallas quarterback?

Where?!

[ Chuckling ]

If you'll excuse me.

You see the two guys with the gopher?

The one with the specs is the doctor,

but the other one is Isaac.

He's the one that's got our lamp now.

How are we gonna get into his room?

Leave that to me -- duck soup.

No thanks. I just had breakfast.

...83...

...84...

Hi, texi.

Hi, Stacey.

Hi.

Hi. Are you one of the new cheerleaders now?

No. They said I don't have the legs for it.

Mark taught us this routine. We may use it in a show.

Okay if I join you?

Sure, if you think you can keep up with us.

Sure.

...93...

...94...

...95...

...96...

...97...

...98...

...99...

...100...

Okay. That's it.

Thank you, Stacey.

You keep going to 93 -- that's where you came in.

Let's all count for her.

...1...

...2...

That's good, and keep counting.

...4...

...5...

All right, everybody. Let's go get a tall, cool drink.

Looks good, Stacey.

Bye, Stacey.

Bye-bye.

...8...

...9...

...10...

...11...

Keep going.

...13...

...14...

...15...

Whatcha reading?

"The making of the president." Sounds like hot stuff.

Can I read it when you're finished?

Yeah, sure.

Boy, you sure are a fast reader, honey.

Miss...

Please don't get up

and don't interrupt me for the next 30 seconds.

My name is Paul Turner, and i'm single, and I'm in good health.

I don't have any scars or disability,

and, uh, well, I'm a college graduate,

and I have a good job, and I've saved a couple of dollars.

I've got a great record collection.

I'm madly in love with you.

[ Giggles ]

[ Sighs ] I'm sorry. You must think I'm --

wonderful.

Yeah, I knew you'd sa--

what did you say?

I said I think you're wonderful.

Do you mean that?

Mm-hmm.

Would you have dinner with me tonight?

Oh, oh, yes. I'd love to.

You would?

Uh-huh.

That's nice. That's great.

That's great and nice. That's...

What's the matter?

[ Sighs ] I'm sorry.

I can't have dinner with you tonight.

Ohh.

W-W-Wait a minute. You see that family over there?

They're friends of mine from the old neighborhood,

and they're kind of poor. I said I would look after them.

Maybe we could meet after dinner?

You're not only wonderful, you're a good person, too.

Yes. After dinner here on deck.

It's a date.

Oh, I've got to run. Bye.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

This is exciting.

You know, I've been doing a little writing myself.

Oh, yeah?

But I never thought anyone would write a book about me.

My publisher will love it.

I've written three books about bartenders,

each one a bestseller.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ]

So, uh, tell me some more about your life, huh?

Well, once the president of the United States

came up to the bar while I was working.

Do you want to hear about that?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Now, the president --

I'll tell you which one in a minute --

he walks right over to me,

but before he could order, two guys rush in, guns drawn --

say, don't you want to write this down?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Say, haven't you got any better light in here?

You know, my eyes aren't so great.

No. Sorry.

Anyway, the president jumped over the bar --

you know what you need in here?

You need a nice lamp --

you know, maybe something with sort of a sailor flavor.

That's right -- my lamp!

Oh, I had one, but I loaned it to doc

while he was getting his cabin redecorated.

Ah.

Well, that should do it. This book will be dynamite.

But I'm right in the middle of a story.

Oh, that's great.

Always leave the readers wanting something more.

I always end my books that way.

In the middle of a story?

Yeah. Then I start the next book with the end of that story.

It's a writer's trick, huh?

I wonder why Charles dickens never did that.

Hey, it's never too late.

Tell your friend Charlie to try it, huh?

[ Ragtime music plays ]

Marvelous.

Great, fellas! If you do this this well tomorrow night,

you'll be a smash!

All right.

Thanks a lot.

See you later. Okay.

Well, hello.

Gosh, I'd give anything to be able to tap-dance like you.

Well, you can. It's really very easy.

Really?

Of course. Tap-dancing just looks hard.

You know, the captain is right.

Why don't you show us a couple of steps?

Me?

Uh-huh.

[ Chuckles ] No. I-I don't think so.

I mean, it's been a long time, and...

You wouldn't mind, then, if I gave you a couple of pointers?

Would you really?

I'd love to.

Well, look, would it be all right if I just watched?

Oh, no. No, sirree.

You're going to join this group.

Hal, give us a little "tea for two."

[ "Tea for two" plays ]

There you go.

Around.

Back.

[ Music stops ]

You did it!

Well, thank you very much.

How about that? And with only just one lesson.

Very impressive.

You really think so?

Well, I would say --

lesson number 2 -- don't look for criticism.

You'll get plenty without asking.

I was only about to suggest

lemonade for the entire corps De ballet.

If that includes me, super!

I think this is a good time

for me to read that new play you mentioned.

I pass.

Sorry.

My loss. Shall we?

You've made her entire year.

She's a wonderful girl.

You'd make mine if you'd appear in the show tomorrow.

Well, you're wonderful, too,

but you'll have a good enough year without me.

Wow.

Excuse me.

Aren't you Ms. Mitchell, the cheerleaders' director?

Yes.

I'm trying to locate my daughter, Wendy ames.

Mrs. Ames, I heard you were onboard.

So nice to meet you.

Thank you. Nice to meet you.

I know Wendy's not supposed to eat much,

but she hasn't shown up for either breakfast or lunch.

Well, she told me she was taking a quick run into town.

She wrote me a note.

She said she'd be back any time now.

I wouldn't worry, Mrs. Ames.

Wendy's in good hands. She's with bill.

Oh...

So that's where he is.

"Please marry me, Lisa.

"I love you more than words can say.

You're on my thoughts all night and day."

Well, Turner, this is the first time I've seen you

without your family.

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Hartnett, uh, family --

yes, well, they're taking a nap --

snack -- they're having a snack.

"Marry me, Lisa, I love you"?

Oh, yes. Uh, oh, uh --

well, that's a new idea in greeting cards --

personalized.

Oh? Not bad.

It might create an inventory problem, but we're on vacation.

We'll talk about that when we get back.

Go to your family.

I will. I do -- [ Mumbles ]

Imagine -- working on vacation.

Can I pick employees, or can I pick 'em?

You can pick 'em.

That's what I said -- I can pick 'em.

You can pick 'em.

Yes, I pick 'em.

It was really sweet of you to come here, miss Logan.

Well, I know the next couple of days

are going to be rather hectic,

so I just wanted all of you girls to know

how much I've enjoyed working with you.

That goes double for all of us.

Well, Stacey.

Miss Logan.

The girls will fill you in on the details,

but, basically, I just came to say thank you.

Are you all right, Stacey?

Yes, fine. Perfect.

Well...

...if you need me...

Thanks, miss Logan.

Are you sure you're okay, Stacey?

Yeah. Couldn't be better.

Listen -- you guys have been great the way you've taken Mark

off my hands.

Oh, no problem.

It's probably ruining the trip for you.

Maybe I should spend some time with him.

Don't be silly. He's good company.

Besides, what are friends for?

Thanks. Where's Allie?

She's out for a stroll with Mark.

Oh, so you're taking turns with him?

No. Allie's taking all the turns now.

[ Chuckling ]

Uh, excuse me.

Yes, ma'am?

I saw you talking to my daughter last night.

I wonder if you happened to have seen her in town?

Wendy -- she has kind of short golden brown hair.

Wendy! Right -- the Dallas cowboys cheerleader. Right.

Yeah. I did see her in town with a man,

and I think you're gonna lose a daughter.

They were trying on wedding rings.

Mom!

Sorry. We kind of got waylaid.

I'm afraid our quick cab ride into town turned into

one cab ride, two buses -- no, three buses --

and a very undignified donkey ride.

I'm beginning to think that I'm the donkey.

Oh. We didn't mean to upset you, but we just couldn't help it.

I understand.

She doesn't understand the half of it.