Original subtitles

[Theme music - "love boat"]

Theme song: Love, exciting and new.

Come aboard, we're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest reward, let it flow,

it floats back to you.

The love boat, soon we'll be making another run.

The love boat promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love!

Welcome aboard, it's love!

[Music playing]

Ooh! Fan mail.

Where's my stack?

A bill, a bill, a bill, and a letter from Vicki.

Ah.

Take a look at the picture she sent.

Oh, gee, she's grown!

Children have a tendency to do that.

She's almost 12.

And turning into a lovely young lady, I must say.

What do you expect?

She takes after her--

I mean, her mother was very beautiful.

And the fact that you and Vicki have the same eyes

is just a coincidence.

So how does she like living in Mexico?

Ah, she's adjusting pretty well, all things considered.

She still feels the loss of her mother very deeply.

I just thank heavens that Vicki has her aunt

and uncle to take care of her.

She also has you.

[Laughs] No.

To her, I'm just captain merrill,

the funny man she met once.

She'll never know anything else.

You don't plan on ever seeing her again?

I'm afraid to.

The hardest thing I've ever done was say goodbye to Vicki.

I know if I saw her again, I'd have to say it again.

I don't know if I could do that.

Well, enjoy your cruise.

Can I help?

I'm Rose kennycott, and I have a feeling

I've made a terrible mistake.

Well, it can't be too serious.

You are on the right ship.

Yes, but everything else is wrong.

Look at those people kissing.

They aren't doing it right?

They're doing it in public.

Oh, well, that's what we call indoor games.

Oh, this younger generation.

Well, we also have plenty of outdoor games-- shuffleboard,

deck tennis, ping-pong-- you're going

to have a wonderful cruise!

Well--

oh, maybe we'll even find you a partner for the indoor games.

Oh, sir.

Excuse me.

My name is Barney briscoe.

And I wonder if you can help me.

Yes, Mr. Briscoe.

Let's see, you're in cabin--

fiesta 131.

Yes, that's right.

I-- I was wondering.

Oh, about your dining assignment.

Yes, sir. Let's see, you're at table--

table 32.

Right.

How does one--

go about playing jackpot bingo.

Well, you just show up at the--

acapulco lounge.

Right.

You certainly seem to have all the right answers.

Except one.

Oh?

How do you meet a lady?

Well Mr. Briscoe, you've certainly

come to the right place.

We don't call this the love boat because we're

crazy about tennis.

This younger generation.

Ooh.

My lord.

Uh, excuse me, I'm Harry Stewart.

Aha.

I think I'm on the lower deck.

Correct.

Cabin 359.

And a nice cabin it is, too, sir.

Oh, well, you won't find me in it

very often, because I just spent nine weeks in a locked room.

Boy, my mom just used to make me stand in a corner.

No, no, no.

This was a jury room.

I was on the Hamilton case.

Oh!

Wow.

Where the wife tried to kill him three different times!

That's the one.

Boy, she sure seemed guilty to me, man.

Well, of course she was guilty.

11 men good and true knew she was guilty.

Well then, how come the jury was deadlocked?

Because of this stupid, dumb woman, a woman by the name

of noyce.

She kept saying, she's innocent!

She's innocent!

She was innocent.

Noyce, Ann noyce.

Yes, ma'am.

You!

Get off my ship.

Go! Go home!

I should leave?

Otherwise there's going to be another attempted murder!

Well, you have the perfect weapon--

your head.

Ladies and gentlemen, please.

Hey, the trial is over.

Can't we just call a truce?

Come on now.

No!

Never.

Well, enjoy your cruise.

I intend to.

And so do I.

It's guilty!

She was guilty, guilty as hell!

That was the lower deck, wasn't it?

Yes.

[Ship horn blasting]

[Music playing]

Vicki (voiceover): Dear captain merrill,

thank you, thank you, thank you for my birthday present,

a cruise director's uniform!

It's only the neatest thing I ever got in my whole life!

Maybe someday I can be a real cruise director on your ship.

Only I hope I don't have to wait that long see you.

I just made myself sad.

I miss you a real, real lot.

And I'm always thinking about the time I came on the ship,

because it was the best time I ever had.

And I wish-- oh well.

You know what I wish.

I don't want to go.

Why can't I stay here with you?

Vicki.

Why couldn't I?

Now look, you have an aunt and uncle who love you very much.

You'll be much happier living with them

than with a grouchy old seaman.

You aren't grouchy.

You're the best.

I love you, captain merrill.

I love you, Vicki.

Jenkins, this is captain stubing.

I'd like to place a call to acapulco, please.

An hour?

All right.

Good evening, Mr. Briscoe.

Good evening.

Well, tonight is English pub night.

Are you coming to dinner?

Now look, when I said that I wanted to meet a lady,

you know, I meant someone my age.

Mm-hm.

Now, I'm going to be blunt.

You're not my type.

Oh well, you can't blame a girl for trying.

Oh, good evening, Ms. Kennycott.

Don't you look lovely?

Why, thank you.

Ah, Ms. Kennycott, have you met Mr. Briscoe?

Mr. Briscoe, Ms. Kennycott.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Is anyone joining you for dinner?

No.

Well, we like our passengers to have company,

and I won't take no for an answer.

Well, in that case, i'd love to have dinner with you.

Young blonde whippersnapper!

Ah, here we go.

Thank you.

Thank you, Isaac.

Not going to dinner?

No, no.

I can't face it.

The fates have dealt me a dastardly blow, Isaac.

I am sitting at the same table with that woman.

I'm just hoping that I can stall long enough whereas she'll

just eat and be gone.

Ah, come on.

She can't be that bad.

She let a murderer go free!

Now, she didn't go free.

I mean, she's going to be retried.

And the husband didn't die.

Whether the husband was killed or not,

the wife attempted to murder him at least three times;

first, by putting poison in his meatloaf;

second, by hitting him with a heavy candlestick;

and third, by trying to strangle him!

Now, what do you call that?

Bad b

oh good evening, Sidney.

Are you in town?

Aw!

It's better out here.

Isn't it, though?

[Laughs]

Wouldn't it be more fun if you were dining

with a handsome stranger?

Well, wouldn't it?

Julie, I have been waiting for the handsome stranger

for 30 years.

It's a good thing I didn't hold my breath.

Nobody ever notices me.

I noticed you from the first moment I saw you.

Doc, we're having kind of a girl chat here.

I wonder if you couldn't charm us out of our socks

another time.

Of course!

Later, cute thing.

Oh, thank you.

So anyway.

Who's that?

Our ship's doctor, Adam bricker.

Oh what's the use.

I never know what to say to men.

When the sexual revolution took place,

I must have been behind enemy lines.

Then Rose, isn't it time you came out fighting?

Today's woman doesn't wait for the phone to ring,

she places the call herself.

Really?

Yes.

She refuses to float down the stream of life.

She paddles her own canoe, and you can, too.

I can?

Of course you can.

Would you excuse me just one moment?

Ah, Mr. Briscoe, it's now or never.

You know what I mean?

Young vamp.

Excuse me.

Would you mind if I sat here?

Not at all.

I was just leaving.

You've been very good so far.

You haven't mentioned a word about you-know-what.

I won't if you won't.

Far be it from me to be responsible for your

bursting a blood vessel.

Far be it from me to cause your hair to get any grayer.

What do you mean?

Evening, folks.

Oh, good evening.

Do you like eating, or are you here for the atmosphere?

I think I will have the--

roast beef.

Mr. Stewart and I served on the same jury recently,

and that's all he ever ordered--

roast beef.

I'll have the roast--

duck.

Don't be silly, Harry.

You don't like duck.

Why would anybody want to eat duck?

With their little yellow bill, and their little webbed feet.

Yes, they look so innocent.

Ducks are guilty!

You're starting it again.

I didn't say anything about the murder trial.

I was talking about little ducks!

Little ducks who ought to get a life sentence!

Would madam like a little innocent ducky, too?

No, thank you.

I think I'll have, uh, meatloaf.

Meatloaf.

Well, would you like to have something along with it?

Peas, carrots mashed potatoes, with absolutely not a trace

of strychnine.

Meatloaf, no strychnine.

There was strychnine in that meatloaf.

That was definitely established the third day of the trial.

There was evidence that there was some strychnine,

but absolutely no evidence the wife

was the one who put the strychnine into the meatloaf!

Well, if the wife didn't put the strychnine

into the meatloaf, how'd it get there?

Maybe she had a butcher with a sense of humor!

If there was a law against stupidity,

you would get the chair!

I'd like to speak with senora strickland, por favor.

Well look, wait a minute.

Will you just slow down?

Every night, I say her prayers with her.

This morning, is not Vicki in bed.

Is only note.

Note says, goodbye.

She takes clothes, dinero, and no come back!

Oh, my vickisita has run away!

Oh my god.

Julie (on P.A.): Launches will be leaving

for acapulco from the gangway on the port side

of the aloha deck level.

Those passengers who signed up for bus tours of the city

should gather on the dock when they reach shore.

The ship will be sailing in ten hours.

That's precisely at midnight.

All passengers should be back on board by 11:30.

Welcome to acapulco.

Thank you.

Did you call the chief of police

and tell him to expect us? - Yes, sir.

I'm coming, too.

I want you all to know how much this--

sir, it's nothing.

It is to me.

Captain, I think there's a passenger

who needs your assistance.

Gopher, could you take care of this?

Vicki.

Vicki.

Hi.

Young lady, do you have any idea of how much trouble

you've caused?

We, we have been worried sick about you.

A girl your age should have--

some sense of responsibility.

I'm sorry.

Julie!

Well, hi!

I have to talk to you.

It's about a man.

Oh, ok.

Let's go sit down.

Yes?

Now, it wouldn't happen to be about that handsome stranger I

was talking to you about, would it?

I had a feeling you two were going to click.

We haven't clicked.

We clunked.

Huh?

I don't know how to make the first move.

You just pick up the phone and ask him for a date.

You mean, talk to him on the phone?

Yeah.

Maybe I'll write him a note.

Equally good.

Turn him on in 25 words or less.

Julie--

yeah.

Should I let him kiss me on the first date?

No, you kiss him.

Pucker up, Dr. Bricker.

I've got you in my sites.

Watch out, Mr. Briscoe, this could be your lucky day.

You see, Isaac, why I don't go for today's women?

They're brazen, totally brazen.

Hey, hey, come on, gopher, knock it off the potato chips.

What?

Don't give me that innocent act.

Now, I had that basket full of potato chips,

now it's half empty.

And you're accusing me of eating them, eh?

Mr. Stewart?

Excuse me?

Hm?

Did you see me eat any of these potato chips?

No.

No, I didn't.

Well how could he?

His back was turned to you.

I didn't see you eat the potato chips,

but there is salt around your mouth.

Circumstantial evidence.

That could have come from the sea spray.

That is exactly the addlepated logic you used at the trial.

There is an ocean around us.

And you do know what's in the ocean?

Salt.

And the salt air just wafted across the deck

and landed in a perfect pattern around his mouth.

Maybe he had a Margarita.

I knew better than to discuss this with you.

Of course, because, as usual, I'm right.

Well, come on, folks.

It's just potato chips.

It's not important.

No, no, no, no.

This is very important.

Did you eat those potato chips?

Go ahead.

Tell them, gopher.

I'm not saying a word until my lawyer brings the onion dip.

He's innocent.

He is guilty, guilty as hell.

No, no.

She's fine, carlotta, not a scratch.

Now look, senor and senora strickland are

flying in tonight, aren't they?

And what time do you expect them at home?

Well, I'll plan on bringing Vicki out there around then.

Yes, gracias, carlotta.

I don't wanna go back.

Vicki, it was wrong of you to run away like this.

Your aunt and uncle love you very much.

If you have a problem, you should talk to them.

But you love me, too, don't you?

Of course I do.

More than aunt Dolores and uncle Harry?

This isn't a contest, Vicki.

We all love you very much.

Now, this doesn't have something to do with why you ran away,

does it?

Do you really want to know?

I really want to know.

I found it in a box of old stuff.

It's mom's diary.

"I told merrill tonight that I'm marrying Tom.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Merrill doesn't know i'm going to have his child.

If he ever does sense the truth, I

hope he can understand that I'm doing what's best for

both of us and for our baby."

Mommy didn't marry you, but you're my real father,

aren't you?

Aren't you?

Yes.

Please, let's stay together always.

We won't ever say goodbye.

[Music playing]

Mr. Briscoe, you're all alone!

Please, don't worry about me.

I'm all right.

I'm fine.

Didn't you get the note?

What note?

It was sort of a love note.

At least, I think it was a love note.

If I did get it, I would have ripped it apart.

Mr. Briscoe, I think the time has come for you

to take the bull by the horns.

Bull and horns--

all I wanted to do is meet a nice lady.

Now vamoose!

Ah!

Are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine.

I don't think you understand, Mr. Briscoe.

I don't-- - please!

Please! - Let me explain.

Isaac?

Mr. Stewart.

Yeah, Isaac, I want to apologize

for my earlier behavior.

Oh, that's ok.

But it's that woman.

She could drive St. Francis of assisi to valium.

And I can't help but argue with her.

She's so dumb.

Well didn't miss noyce believe any of the evidence?

No!

The husband said that his wife had five martinis to bolster

her courage, and then that she tried to brain

him with a candlestick.

Well, what did the wife say?

Well, she said yes, she had five martinis.

But she said she was cold sober, and

the dumbbell agrees with her.

I still do.

Ah, if it isn't miss 11-1.

Isaac, will you please explain to her

that there is no way that you can have five martinis

in one hour and not get drunk?

The man's right.

Oh, really?

Five martinis please.

Five martinis?

I'm going to prove a little point.

[Laughs] Isaac, let me have five martinis, too,

because I don't have the heart, sober, to watch

what's going to happen to her.

Why didn't you write the note?

I did.

He said he didn't get it.

That's because I ripped it up.

This cruise is almost over.

You've got to stop wasting time and just go get him.

I guarantee the man is interested.

Are you sure?

Believe me, you're just what the doctor ordered.

Hm.

That's all I want to hear.

Host (on P.A.): Good evening.

This ship will remain in acapulco until 12:00 midnight.

For all those not dining ashore, there

will be a main seating dinner in the coral dining room.

Oh!

Oh!

Well, I guess you and I are the only two people who didn't

go into acapulco tonight.

Did you want to see me?

Yes.

Well, come in, please.

Is there a problem?

Well, I've been having these strange feelings--

here.

Well, you've come to the right place.

How long have you had this feeling?

Not long.

But everybody tells me nowadays you shouldn't wait.

You should do something about it.

Good thinking.

Why don't you step inside and, here, take your clothes off.

You mean right-- right now, just like that?

No time like the present.

Just call me when you're ready.

We can get started.

Would, wouldn't you like to talk a little?

Well, in a situation like this,

it's always a good idea to take care of the body.

It's all happening so fast.

Just relax.

Maybe you'll be more comfortable here on the couch.

And I could lock the door to make sure no one disturbs us.

Oh, doc, you devil!

But!

What are you doing?

I'm kissing you, but you're not helping much.

Rose, please, I'm a doctor!

I know!

Rose, excuse-- Rose, Rose!

I must insist.

Oh!

Excuse me.

I must insist-- I must insist!

Rose, I thought you came here for medical treatment.

Oh my god!

Oh, I'm so embarrassed!

Julie said--

Julie!

She said you were--

oh, I wish I could die right on the spot!

I'm sorry.

What was I doing?

A silly old woman trying to join a revolution that's already

passed her by.

How could I ever have dreamed that in one ocean cruise

I could find a man who changed my whole life?

Rose, we all change the course of our lives sometimes.

But it's better to take that first step, and maybe stumble,

than never to take a step at all.

You're very kind.

No, I'm not just being kind, believe me.

Rose, someone is going to respond to all

those feelings you have inside.

And whoever he is, wherever he is,

he's going to be a very lucky man.

Thank you.

You made me see the light tonight.

Who knows?

Maybe some night soon, you may even see the stars.

And I thought you were something special.

I beg your pardon?

But you're like all the rest--

just another floozy.

Agh!

Where are your five martinis?

My, slow service.

What are you talking about?

I've already drunk them.

My, what fast service!

All of them?

Count them.

I'll take your word for it.

Can I ask you a question?

What are we doing here?

I'm going to prove to you that Hamilton's wife was

sober enough after five martinis to know

whether she tried to clobber him with a candlestick.

Ah.

I drank five martinis, and I'm sober as the judge.

Well, I want to ask you a few questions, your honor.

First of all, that's a ridiculous looking robe

you're wearing.

I think that proves my point, that the husband,

on the night in question, got bombed out of his mind, just

like you.

Objection!

Then he passed out, hitting his head, raising a bump.

I want that stricken from the record!

I want the jury to disregard--

[thump]

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.

Can I steer the ship when we leave tonight?

I promise I won't hit anything.

You're hardly big enough to see out.

I'd be willing to grow.

Vicki, we have to talk.

Are you going to tell me about sex?

Well, no.

Oh.

Didn't your aunt delores tell you about--

all that stuff?

Yeah.

But she made it sounds so dull, I figured she

must have left something out.

Vicki, did you understand everything

you read in your mommy's diary?

Not everything.

But I get the part where you're my real father,

and mommy marrying someone else.

Why do you think she did that?

Well, I guess she thought you wouldn't be happy unless you

could be on your ship anymore.

That was part of it.

The other part is that she wanted

you to have a normal family life,

with two parents, other kids, and dogs, and cats--

and a housekeeper named carlotta?

Your mother wanted the best for you.

A so do I.

You're going to send me back, aren't you?

You don't want me.

I want you more than anything.

I don't have the right to keep you.

I thought you loved me.

[Music playing]

Wake up!

Wake up!

Ugh.

Aha!

Aha yourself.

What are you doing in my room?

Waiting for an apology.

Well?

My mouth is dead.

Well, make it form the words "you were right."

Ok!

You were right, about everything!

Oh, thank you.

Except the trial.

She was guilty!

You're crazy.

Just look, I stayed sober after five martinis.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

How do I know you were sober?

Um-- gopher.

Gopher helped me bring you down here.

He'll testify to it.

The guy who was stealing the potato chips?

You want me to accept testimony from a guy with a record?

Furthermore, you can't prove that she didn't

try to strangle her husband!

I certainly can.

Ha!

Ha!

Mr. Hamilton said his wife tried to strangle

him while he was asleep, right?

So?

So, I'm going to prove that she

couldn't have strangled him.

Pretend you're asleep.

What?

Go lie down.

Or do you just want to say that I'm right?

Ok.

I'm asleep.

So what?

So, I couldn't possibly strangle you, see?

You're not even trying.

Yes, I am.

Your neck is too big.

What do you want me to do, trim it?

I know.

Come on, roll over.

What?

Roll over.

Now, let me see.

What if she tried this?

You know what?

What?

I think you're kind of cute.

If you think I'm kind of cute, why are you strangling me?

Sorry.

You know something?

What?

I think you're kind of cute.

So I told her I had to take her back.

And did she understand?

She was very hurt, and I can't blame her.

You sound like you're blaming yourself.

No, it has to be this way.

Legally, I'm nothing more than a friend of the family.

Well, now that Vicki knows the truth,

maybe you should talk to her aunt and uncle.

Maybe there's some way you could--

Merrill, I wish--

so do I, Adam.

So do I.

Vicki!

Merrill, thank you for all your trouble.

No trouble.

And you, little lady, you had a busy weekend.

Can I go to my room?

What am I going to do with her?

Don't be too hard.

We all have the need for a little adventure now and then.

I'm surprised it took her this long.

All she ever talks about is you and the ship.

She's crazy about the both of you.

The feeling's mutual.

Would you like a drink?

Tea?

Oh, please, thank you.

Dolores, there's something--

merrill, there's something--

[laughs]

I'm sorry.

What were you going to say?

Thank you.

Oh I was just going to say that, well, there's something

I want to talk to you about.

Well, I was, too.

You first.

No, you go.

Hm.

Well, I, I guess I'm going to have

to get used to saying this.

Harry and I are getting a divorce.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, we're still friends.

Maybe this way we can stay friends.

Our only concern now is the children.

Of course.

We haven't told them.

I think it would be easier on them if they

could go away for a while.

I think that's a wise decision.

But, when it comes to Vicki, there's only one

place where she'll be happy--

with you.

You want Vicki to stay with me?

Only for a while, until I'm settled.

Merrill?

Right now I'm sorry I stopped drinking.

I'm afraid I couldn't start something like this

knowing how it's going to end.

I can take Vicki, but I can't give her back.

I'm sorry, Dolores.

I know you don't understand why it's affecting me like this.

I do understand.

Georgina was my sister.

We didn't have many secrets.

Why didn't you say something after all these years?

So that Vicki would be your choice,

not your responsibility.

You were free to walk away.

I don't want to walk away.

I want to enjoy every moment I can

with Vicki, even if it has to end some day.

Merrill, you hardly know your daughter.

Take this opportunity and live with her,

learn what she's all about.

If it turns out that she belongs with you,

then that's where I want her to be.

You mean that?

All I want is what is best for her.

That's all?

That's everything.

Captain merrill?

I just came in to say goodbye.

I'm afraid that's impossible.

What?

How can I say goodbye if you're coming

back to the ship with me?

I am?

That is if you think you can put up with me for a while.

Forever and ever!

I love you!

And I love you!

Thank you.

She really does have your eyes.

I wonder if the Hamilton's ever had champagne in bed.

Well, if they did, I will bet you

that this was the moment that he told

her that she was beautiful.

Oh, there was never any evidence

he ever said such a thing.

Maybe that's what made her so mad.

She wasn't mad.

He was just a dyed-in-the-wool nut.

Like me.

You?

Mm-hm.

For not having told you that you're wonderful sooner.

And I've never met anybody like you.

Are you trying--

are you trying to say that, um--

that I'm falling in love?

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

Yep.

I confess.

I am guilty.

Good evening.

Oh, it's you.

Who were you expecting, that Casanova Dr. Bricker?

He is not a Casanova.

And by the way, I am not a floozy.

Well, I saw you kissing him.

But did you ever give me a tumble?

No.

You?

Look, I'm not a big swinger.

I'm, I'm bashful.

It isn't easy for me to approach a stranger.

I-- lady, I've been wanting to meet you this whole trip.

You have?

Oh, what's the use.

You probably find me too old-fashioned.

Now, now, wait a minute.

Would you think I was forward if I bought you a drink?

No.

And if I ask you to take me dancing afterwards?

No.

Well then, shall we?

Woo!

Well, hello there!

Hello.

I hope you don't mind being out with one of today's women.

No.

Just don't get like her.

You know, she's been hitting on me

ever since I got on this boat.

Really?

Shocking.

Sorry about the accommodations,

but it's the best I can do on the spur of the moment.

That's ok.

You know, I was wondering, what should I call you from now on?

What would you like to call me?

I don't know.

"Daddy" doesn't sound right, and you certainly

don't look like a "pop."

Thank goodness.

I guess "captain merrill" fits you best of all.

Then why argue with perfection?

Captain merrill I am, captain merrill I remain.

Ok?

Ok.

Captain merrill?

Who?

You know what?

What?

I'd rather be here than any place

else in the whole wide world.

So would I.

I bet, if mommy is watching, she'd be happy, too.

Do you think she is?

I'm sure of it.

[Music playing]

Sometimes things get a little confused,

but all's well that ends well.

Thank you for everything.

Well, I'm happy you're happy.

I'm sorry things didn't work out for the two of us,

but don't give up hope.

I'm sure there's a man out there waiting for you--

somewhere.

Darling, when you say that the defendant is innocent,

then the defendant is innocent.

Oh, darling, you are entitled to your own opinion,

but you were wrong when you said I was right.

No, no, no, darling, you are wrong when

you say that I am wrong when I am trying

to tell you that you are right.

You're so right.

What happened to them?

I don't know.

Looks like the jury is still out.

Anybody seen Vicki?

Nope.

Not since breakfast.

Well, she's got to be around here somewhere.

Maybe she's on deck.

Sir.

Bye, bye.

Thank you for sailing with us.

Bye, bye.

Hope you enjoyed your cruise.

Bye, come again soon.

We certainly enjoyed having you.

[Laughter]

[Theme music - "love boat"] B