Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

Wow.

Travel brochures don't lie.

I knew you'd like it, Matt.

We're gonna have the time of our lives.

Sure.

If things get dull, I can always go tightrope walking.

Miss halley, your cabin is right up those stairs

and to the left.

Enjoy your cruise.

Thank you.

Did you bring your chess set?

And the cribbage board, two new decks of cards,

monopoly, and scrabble.

Tom, every day, I thank my lucky stars

I have a brother like you --

someone I can whip at any game.

Mmm. Some cutie.

Why, thank you.

Hello. May I help you?

Uhh, I'll take care of miss Rossmore.

Hi. I'm a big football fan.

Why, thank you. I'm surprised you recognized me.

I haven't been around that long.

Football? Now, I know I'm not up on the game,

but don't tell me you're the new ram quarterback.

[ Laughing ] No.

Miss Rossmore is a sportscaster.

She covers all the major events for TV.

Yes. And my name is Peggy.

Uh, Peggy, Julie McCoy.

How do you do, Peggy?

Hi.

I'm Adam bricker.

How do you do?

I'm very impressed. There aren't many women in your field.

No, there aren't.

Thanks to my father and my brothers,

I was brought up on sports.

So my only problem was getting a network to notice me.

Oh, boy, when I was 14,

I would've given anything to be a radio sportscaster.

How'd you get started? On some tiny, local station?

No. I won a national beauty contest.

I was gonna try that,

but I couldn't find a bikini in my size.

Doc!

[ Merrill laughing ]

Of course I catch you on television

when I'm in port, bud, but, boy, it's been years.

Oh, no.

Yeah, but how long has it been

since I've seen you in the flesh?

Are you making fun of my hairline?

No.

Isn't that bud pomeroy?

Mm-hmm.

That's one sportscaster even I've heard of.

And heard and heard and heard.

You should try sitting next to him

in a broadcast booth sometime.

Uh, Julie? Doc?

I want you to meet an old friend of mine -- bud pomeroy.

Hello. How do you do?

Don't -- don't tell me.

That -- that blonde in the white dress...

You mean Peggy Rossmore?

[ Chuckles ]

How gruesomely appropriate --

a Halloween cruise, and I get my own personal witch.

Hey! Preston Maddox!

Hey!

Isaac Washington.

Hey, Isaac Washington.

What a trip. The prince of pop playing in the acapulco lounge.

I want to see you say that five times fast.

What a trip --

Isaac!

Isaac, I-I can't figure out any of these reservations.

What is this? "R.S."? "B.S."?

"R.s." -- rhythm section.

"B.s." -- brass section.

I figure guys that play together should stay together.

You there!

Yes, you -- in the sailor suits.

There's absolutely no one in charge here.

Uh...

Uh, gopher, why don't you take care of the lady?

Mr. Maddox, please, come. Follow me. This way.

Yes, ma'am. Assistant purser burl Smith at your service.

How may I help you?

I am Margaret Edith Jerome.

These are my two lovely, single daughters,

Dee-Dee and sue-sue.

Hi, hi.

Um...ma'am, uh, it's three daughters, isn't it?

Oh, yes.

The other person on your manifest

is my stepdaughter... Cindy.

♪ Those fingers in my hair ♪

♪ that sly -- ♪

Cindy. Would you please get a move on?

♪ That sly come-hither stare ♪

And for heaven's sake, stop that caterwauling.

Come, dears.

And don't drop that red bag!

It's got all my makeup in it.

Uh...say, listen.

Why don't you let me help you with this?

We have to be very careful with this.

I don't think the world is ready yet

for sue-sue without makeup.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Air horn blows ]

Excuse me.

Um, is there anyone sitting here?

Well, if there is, he's real small.

He's also gonna be real flat.

I'm Chris -- Chris halley.

"Halley" as in...

The comet. Uh-huh.

I'm Tom Benton as in... "Bent on" having a good time.

[ Chuckles ]

You know, you look almost exactly like Floyd fosdick.

No kidding.

Mm-hmm.

Do you really think so?

Oh, absolutely.

Wow.

Who's Floyd fosdick?

A boy I had a crush on in the fifth grade.

He was one of the world's great 11-year-old romantics.

Don't tell me -- proclaimed his undying love for you

by putting a frog in your lunchbox.

Well, close -- it was a salamander in my thermos.

[ Both laugh ]

All great fifth-grade minds think alike.

Jackpot bingo begins in five minutes.

Jackpot bingo's gonna start up in the lounge in five minutes.

Okay?

I haven't played bingo in years. What do you think?

Sounds great.

You know, I have a hunch you're gonna be lucky for me.

I was just thinking the same thing about you.

I'm really worried about the salt air out here.

It's tough to boogie on rusted hinges.

Chris halley, my brother Matt.

Oh. Hi. How are you?

Hi.

Uh, you want to play bingo, Matt?

No, I'm afraid I can't right now.

Got to beat Tom at chess.

Oh.

So, what do you want to lose with, white or black?

Well... [ Chuckles ]

See you around, fosdick.

"Fosdick"?

I remind her of an 11-year-old salamander freak

named Floyd fosdick.

Nah.

Guppies, maybe, but not salamanders.

Vince lombardi was the best coach football every had --

anywhere, anytime, against all opposition.

Don't hold back, bud. Give us your opinion.

Peggy, if I knew you were gonna be here,

I'd have read up on something that you could talk about, like, uh...

Flavored lip gloss or bust-development exercise.

How considerate.

I watch the two of you all the time.

You make a great team.

Well, of course we do, doc.

We're a perfect combination -- brains and beauty.

Bud, I hate to disillusion you,

but you're really not all that beautiful.

See you.

[ Whistles ]

Hello.

Hello!

How are you today?

Just fine.

Girls, there goes the catch of a lifetime.

Wonder why they call him "the prince of pop."

I don't know.

Maybe he's like that other guy -- prince of wales.

I don't think so.

I think the prince of wales has to stay at sea world

all the time so we can feed him.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Southern accent ] Don't think. You might strain yourself.

Just do what mama tell--

[ normal voice ] I mean, do what mother tells you.

Cindy! Hey!

How would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

Oh, I'd --

[ singsong voice ] Cindy!

[ Sighs ] I have to go. My stepmother wants her Mai Tai.

Uh, yeah. But how about dinner? Is that a yes?

Cindy!

Probably not.

Definitely a "probably not."

That's what I like -- forceful indecision.

Smile, girls, and wave.

That's enough. That's enough.

We don't want him to think you're easy.

But we are easy.

I know.

I'm not saying he was stupid, but the first game he pitched,

he walked the first five batters.

And when the manager took him out of the game,

he yelled at him.

"How can you do this to me now?! I got a no-hitter goin'!"

I'm sorry we're late.

Welcome, welcome.

Thank you, captain.

Oh, bud, go on with your story.

You were talking about Murray Lee, weren't you?

Correct. Two points.

Is this a contest? Because if it is --

oh. Would, uh, any of you care for a nice, uh, seafood salad?

I'm getting a little tired of your put-downs.

When I was a kid, I competed against my brothers.

They were a lot better athletes than you are,

and they were in a lot better shape.

And what was your event -- the 100-meter sewing bee?

Perhaps an artichoke vinaigrette?

You name the game, buster, and I'll put you away.

Now, wait a minute.

You're saying you'll compete against me in sports?

Maybe some soup?

Any game, any time.

And what do you have to back up this braggadocio?

You name it. What do you want?

The vichyssoise is very nice.

What I desire from you, honey, is your absence.

Or the lentil.

You got it.

I'll put up my job against yours.

Now, wait a minute. Let me get this straight.

You want to bet our jobs?

Right.

The loser quits.

And either way, we'll never have to work together again.

Well, now, how do we make arrangements for this contest?

Two sports out of three.

You pick one, I pick one, and if we need another one,

we can pick it out of a hat.

How does that sound?

The prime rib is very nice.

Lady, I hear that the lines down at the unemployment office

at this time of year are extremely long.

Doc, let's blow off some steam on the dance floor.

I think you have enough steam for both of us.

I've always found the lamb chops a delight.

Ah!

Hi, fellas.

Hi.

How went the bingo?

Well, uh, not too good. My lucky charm wasn't with me.

Go on, sit down.

Well, I'd loan you my four-leaf clover,

but I think I just ate it with the Russian dressing.

Are you playing tonight, Mr. Maddox?

Well, I'd love to, honey, but unfortunately,

I got a show to do in about five minutes.

Maybe we can play later, huh?

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Well, how about it, guys? You want to catch the show?

No, thanks.

Sounds great.

Boy, you guys are worse than the senate.

How do you ever get a majority around here?

Come on, Matt.

You don't want to miss the prince of pop.

Pop is exactly what my ears do when I listen to him.

You go ahead. Don't let me get in your way.

Well...look, why don't you go?

Oh, come on.

How often do you get to see Preston Maddox

on anything other than a record jacket?

You're right.

Yeah.

Okay with you, Matt?

I said it was okay, didn't I?

[ Laughs ]

Hold the saxophones, Preston.

Here we come!

♪ But somehow, once upon a time ♪

♪ never comes again ♪

♪ yes, once upon a time ♪

♪ never comes ♪

♪ aga-a-a-a-a-a-a-in ♪

[ Mid-tempo tune plays ]

Be sure and go up there

and tell him how much you enjoyed his music.

Oh, I like him...

But I don't like his music.

Haven't I taught you anything?

Lie.

Look -- why waste time?

Why don't we get the show on the road?

Well, that suits me.

I'd rather tangle with a man

who has three martinis to his credit

than one who's sober.

Are you sure you won't reconsider this?

You said I get to pick the first contest, right?

Right.

Good. I pick arm wrestling -- here and now.

[ Sighs ]

[ Chuckles ]

This isn't the sort of thing

we generally do in the acapulco lounge.

Have you, uh, watched some of the newer dances, captain?

Captain, you say "go."

Go.

Ooh!

Oh!

Hey!

[ Chuckling ] Oh!

Ohh.

One down, one to go.

That's all right.

There's always tomorrow.

And I pick the next one.

Cindy: ♪ those fingers in my hair ♪

♪ that sly come-hither stare ♪

♪ that strips my conscience bare ♪

♪ it's witchcraft ♪

Encore! Encore!

Gopher, you weren't supposed to hear that.

You sing great.

Nah.

Yes, you do.

Nah.

You look great, too.

Nah.

I brought you a sandwich.

Nah --

oh. I mean, thanks.

[ Clears throat ]

Hmm.

Hey, wait a minute. Aren't you gonna eat?

Somebody's got to get my stepsisters ready

for the Halloween ball tomorrow night.

Ah. What are you going as?

Me? Oh, I'm not gonna go.

My stepmother wouldn't stand for it.

Oh, Cindy.

Why don't you get away from that woman?

How? My father left all the money to her.

I haven't even finished college.

What kind of a job could I get?

Unless some handsome prince

came to take me away from all this.

Wait a minute.

Prince -- that's it.

That's what?

Preston Maddox, the prince of pop.

Gopher, I don't understand.

The way you sing, I bet you

that he'd hire you in a minute.

Oh, now, wait a minute, gopher.

I-I couldn't sing in front of an audience.

Well, try!

Here. Wait a minute.

Excuse me while I simulate the Hollywood bowl.

Okay...now.

Little of that.

Perfect.

Beautiful.

[ Clears throat ]

Gopher --

and now -- the one, the only, Cindy Jerome!

[ Imitating crowd ] Aaah! Cindy! Cindy! Cindy!

[ Normal voice ] Come on, come on. You can do it.

♪ Those fingers in my hair ♪

♪ that shy, come-hither stare ♪

Excuse me -- is this seat taken?

[ Sighs ]

♪ Those fingers in my hair ♪

♪ that sly come-hither stare ♪

♪ that strips my conscience bare ♪

♪ it's witchcraft ♪

♪ and I've got no defense for it... ♪

[ Soft jazz music plays ]

Who are you looking for?

I was kind of hoping Matt would change his mind.

[ Sighs ]

You know, it's great you feel concern for your brother,

but you deserve a little r&r, too.

I'm the only family he's got.

I brought him on this trip to keep his spirits up.

Well, you taking him on this trip was nice,

but the guilt trip he's laying on you is not so nice.

What do you mean?

Well, Tom, people with disabilities

are doing spectacular things for themselves nowadays.

If it wasn't for fate,

i'd be the one with braces on my legs.

So any damn thing I can do for Matt, I'm gonna do.

Ehh...

Hey, uh... Look, i-I'm sorry.

I-I shouldn't have opened my mouth.

You don't know me.

We've hardly even said hello.

Well... We could remedy that.

Hello, Chris.

Hi, Tom.

Want to dance?

Yeah.

[ Laughs ]

That's it.

These shoes are so shiny,

your stepsisters could use them to signal passing ships.

You're the best. Thanks.

Well, I'm gonna shove off before the blue meanies turn up.

Oh, remember -- tomorrow, you are singing

for Preston Maddox and his orchestra.

I'd be too nervous.

I'd have to sing with a bag over my head.

How about with a mask over your face?

Huh?

The Halloween ball -- tomorrow.

You wear a costume, you sing for Preston Maddox,

and nobody knows who you are.

Oh, gopher, it's perfect!

Mm-hmm.

You're perfect.

Mm-hmm.

Good night.

[ Sighs ]

Gopher?

Hmm?

I don't have a costume.

Hey, you need a costume, you got a costume.

You leave it to burl Smith. I'm Mr. Costume.

You come on down to costume city.

We got big costumes, we got little costumes.

We got costume jewelry.

You take the San Diego freeway to...

Hi.

How was your night?

Terrific.

Do you know this cabin measures exactly 14 1/2 feet by 12?

And there are 247 tiles in the bathroom floor?

That bad, huh?

Ah, could've been worse. Could've been a bigger bathroom.

So, how was your night?

Oh, about like you said.

Preston was a little too loud. The dance floor was crowded.

[ Chuckling ] Well, that's funny.

You sure looked chipper when you came in here.

Yeah.

Well, look, Matt...

I'm sorry I ran out on you tonight.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Well, I could use a nice, cold beer.

All right, I'll call room service.

No, never mind. That'll take too long.

I'll get it myself.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

I want to.

Oh, hey -- as long as you're going,

see if you can get me some onion rings.

Sure.

And hurry back.

The best floating permanent chess game in the pacific

awaits us.

My compliments to the chef, captain.

It's delicious. Delicious!

Thank you, bud. Thank you.

The last time a man ate a breakfast that size

was on death row.

[ Laughs ]

Are you sure you wouldn't like another muffin?

Seems a shame to have the waiter carry back the last one.

Oh, why not? Thank you.

Hey, you're not being nice to me

in hopes of calling off the bet, are ya?

You know me better than that.

Have you been thinking of our second event?

It could be your last, you know,

but it's your turn to choose.

Yes.

I've decided on a race.

You can run, can't you?

[ Muffled ] Of course.

5 miles.

That's 27 times around the ship.

Are you ready?

Now?!

Now.

Captain, will you start us?

Most certainly.

Yes, thanks for suggesting the, uh, pancakes,

eggs Benedict, Danish pastry -- not to mention that muffin!

It was my pleasure.

On your Mark, get set --

false start!

Let him go, captain.

By the time he rounds that first turn,

that muffin's gonna be coming right out his ears.

Hi. May I come in?

Sure. There's nobody here.

Look what I got for the Halloween ball.

Hmm?

Gee, I thought you'd love it.

Oh, I...

I do.

What kind of shoes are you gonna wear with it?

This is not for me. It's for you!

I'm going as a clown.

Aww.

Here.

Oh, gopher, thank you.

Well, it was either that or an egg costume.

That's all they had left.

Ah, yes.

You'll be the belle of the ball in this thing.

And I would be honored to be with you.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Panting ]

[ Yawns ]

Well, I guess it must be the company, hmm?

Excuse me.

I played chess with Matt for two hours

after I got back to the cabin last night.

Poor guy -- all cooped up in that room all night.

Tom, the only one keeping Matt cooped up

in that cabin last night was Matt.

Oh.

Isn't that sun gorgeous?

It's yellow -- just like the one in the brochure.

[ Sighing ] Ohh. Great.

I forgot my sunglasses.

Tom, would you do me a favor? I think they're on the bureau.

Oh, sure. Just let me finish my coffee.

On the bureau, right?

Yeah.

[ Chuckles ]

Hi, doc.

Hi.

Morning.

Morning.

Hi. Good morning.

Hey, doc, do you know where I can get some suntan lotion?

Oh, yeah, I usually keep some

by the showers on the lido deck.

Help yourself.

Lido deck?

And how far is that as the crow hobbles?

Oh, it's right around the corner.

Oh.

Why don't I get some for you?

Hey, thanks, doc.

You're welcome.

[ Sighs ]

Well [chuckles] I guess I'll be going, too.

Um, is there anything that I could get you?

Not a thing.

I was thinking perhaps you might like a mirror --

so you could get a good, long look at yourself.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughing ]

What's this? Entertaining men in the cabin?

Ah, ma'am, absolutely not.

I just came by to bring Cindy her costume

for the Halloween ball.

Cindy at the ball?

[ High-pitched chortle ] Don't make me laugh.

Yeah, but --

give me that.

Goodbye.

I thought you had some ironing to do.

Well, actually, I do have some shorts I should rinse out.

I'm going. I'm --

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Peggy chuckles ]

Come on, bud! Over here!

Nice race, pal. I just beat you.

Hey, you okay?

I'm fine. [ Coughs ]

How about another muffin?

[ Chuckling ] It's going to be a terrific party.

Wait till you see my costume.

I'm going as cinderella, with a pink mask

and glass slippers -- the whole thing.

You're the only one I'm telling,

'cause I don't want you to have any trouble finding me.

Oh, I won't.

But, uh, just do me one little favor, will you?

When midnight comes around, don't run out on me.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, not this cinderella.

Well, see you at the ball, beautiful.

Later, prince.

So, anyway, I had this costume --

hey, guys, what's going on?

Hey, Preston.

Hey! Hi, Preston.

Good to see you. [ Clears throat ]

Yeah, but I still don't get it, man.

How come Cindy's stepmother

won't let her go to the ball, man?

Well, she probably figures

that Cindy would make her dopey daughters look bad.

But I'm not giving up.

I'm just gonna find another costume, that's all.

Where?

I don't know where. I --

you couldn't.

I shouldn't.

You're gonna.

I gotta.

Watch the door.

Hurry up!

Aah! I got to find one that's right for Cindy.

Let's see.

Witch? No.

Adlai Stevenson...

Hey!

Cinderella.

Perfect.

Yeah, she's already got the evil stepmother.

[ Mutters ]

I was just thinking -- um, listen, um...

You want to be an assistant bartender?

Never mind.

In my hat, there are 10 events.

The one I pick will be your final competition.

Oh, captain, would you mind? Let the lady pick.

I don't want any complaints later.

Of course.

Well?

Weightlifting.

Do you want to concede now,

or should we go through the formalities?

The exercise room -- any time you want.

How's this stack up next to the bathtub in our apartment?

This fills up faster.

Ohhh.

[ Laughs ]

Matt, I want you to come to the Halloween party

with Chris and me tonight.

And I won't take no for an answer.

Gee, I was planning to stay in the cabin

and count the electrical outlets.

Isn't she terrific?

[ Chuckles ]

Everything seems terrific when you're on vacation.

The skies are bluer. Eyes are bluer.

This is more than just a shipboard romance.

It is?

You mean it could go into overtime?

I mean it could go into lifetime.

Well, I'm really happy for you, Tom.

A wife... Someday, a family.

I'll be able to hang around and enjoy life vicariously.

You're the best. Always there when I need you.

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Both chuckle ]

[ Grunts ]

60.

Now, look, are you sure you want to continue --

captain, captain, please.

It's a family squabble.

Oh, don't worry -- there's probably

a lot of other networks that would love to have you.

Cute.

[ Exhales slowly ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Sighs ]

There you are.

[ Chuckles ]

Ohh!

Bud!

My back!

Where's the pain?

Ohhh!

It's, uh... Right there.

Bud, look, why don't we finish this sometime

when you're feeling better --

we'll finish it right now.

I really don't think that --

we'll finish it now.

Ohh!

Ohh!

Bud!

Bud, look, look, I --

you won. Congratulations.

Hip, hip, hooray.

I won.

[ Disco music plays ]

Smile, girls.

And try not to drool.

Have you spoken to bud?

I can't find him.

Mm.

There was no answer in his cabin.

You know, it's funny --

winning can be a very empty experience, too.

Usually, when you go in the winners' dressing room,

they're laughing and happy, drinking champagne.

Would you settle for an orange juice on the rocks?

I don't mind if I do.

I know you're wondering who I'm supposed to be.

Perhaps this will give you a clue.

"Marshal Dillon? Marshal Dillon?"

Uh..."gunsmoke."

Uh, uh, uh... Chester, right?

No -- kitty.

[ Laughs ]

Uh, who are you supposed to be?

Who else?

Floyd fosdick.

Oh! Yeah!

Floyd fosdick!

Floyd...fosdick?

Hi, Floyd.

Hi.

You've owed me a dance for about 15 years, you know.

And I do have to pay my debts.

Mm-hmm.

And wait till you see the interest that's piled up.

Hey, Isaac.

Yeah?

You seen cinderella anywhere?

No.

Thank you.

Oh, the steward says he can't find it anywhere.

Listen, you're better off not being cinderella.

I hear those glass slippers are murder on bunions.

Oh, very funny. But I don't have anything to wear.

Perfect!

Grab a fig leaf, and we'll go as Adam and Eve.

Okay, let's check the costume locker.

There's got to be something left.

All right, but Preston's expecting me as cinderella.

Well, you know what they say.

What?

If I knew, would I ask you?

[ Slow-tempo music plays ]

I can't dance.

Well, why not? You're doing fine by me.

I mean, I just can't leave Matt sitting over there

like a bump on a log.

Come on. We'll all have a drink.

Uh, I-I don't think that I want a drink.

Well, then, we'll -- we'll just sit with him.

Matt doesn't want me to sit with him.

He wants you to sit with him -- for the rest of your life,

and I think that's what you want, too.

Chris!

No, look, Tom, we better just forget it.

I may not have mentioned this to you before,

but I happen to love you.

And I happen to love you, too, but we...

We just haven't got a chance.

What's going on?

Nothing. I...just made a mistake.

That's all.

She leave you?

It isn't important.

It's because of me, isn't it?

I said it isn't important.

She just doesn't understand.

She understands more than you think.

She had me figured out from the beginning.

Chris offered me a mirror once.

But all I have to do is look at your face right now

to know that I can't live with what I see.

I'm sorry I put you through this, Tom.

Where are you going?

[ Chuckles ]

To run an errand for you.

Excuse me, miss,

but there's a fella named fosdick over there

who's just dying to dance with you.

[ Chuckles ] Matt.

Well? Is it a "yes" or a "no"?

It's a "no."

I have the rest of my life to dance with fosdick.

Right now, I'd rather dance with you.

Oh.

What do you think?

It's beautiful!

Oh, this is nothing.

You ought to see it when we have a party.

You look great, Cindy.

Oh, no.

Gopher, what are you doing?

Oh, good.

Uh, n-n-nothing. Nothing. Not a thing.

Gopher, what's wrong?

W-Why are you so nervous all of a sudden?

No reason. No reason.

I just, uh, I just have this feeling

somebody's gonna turn me into a pumpkin

without benefit of a magic wand if she finds me.

Come on.

Don't worry about it. No problem.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

You want to risk a dance

with a guy with two left feet and no sense of rhythm?

Oh, thanks.

But I think I'll go out and get a breath of fresh air.

Okay.

Excuse me. Do you know "witchcraft"?

[ Music stops ]

"Witchcraft" in "c," fellas.

Okay. They're playing your song.

[ "Witchcraft" plays ]

Go ahead. Come on. Come on.

♪ Those fingers in my hair ♪

♪ that sly come-hither stare ♪

♪ that strips my conscience bare ♪

♪ it's witchcraft ♪

♪ and I've got no defense for it ♪

Hey, gopher, you didn't tell me Julie could sing.

She can't.

♪ What good would common sense for it do? ♪

Hi.

Hi.

No Halloween ball for you?

Well, I was thinking of coming as a sore loser,

but I couldn't find the right costume.

Bud, look, I-I hate what's happened.

I don't know how it got to this.

You won. That's the way it got to this.

And I respect you for it.

Look, what I came out here for

was to suggest that you stay on.

I'll, uh, bow out. I can get a job anywhere.

Oh, and I can't?

That's not what I meant.

'Course, you're probably right.

All you have to do is show, uh, a little cleavage,

and, uh, you're in like Flynn.

I'm never gonna get through to you, am I?

[ Voice breaking ] I just competed with you on your own terms,

and you're still being a chauvinist.

Oh, hell.

I don't know why I bother.

It's always gonna be the same.

Hey, uh, I thought you were a fighter.

I am a fighter.

I've fought my way through beauty contests

and network brass,

and I finally got what I wanted.

But guess what.

I never wanted to do this show without you.

Here.

[ Sniffles, sighs ]

You're the man with the facts.

You've got all the information.

[ Sniffles ]

You've got a mind like a computer.

You can pull the information out faster.

And louder?

[ Laughing ] Yeah.

And louder.

Me, I'm into people.

[ Sighs ]

I like to know what makes them tick,

how they got started in sports in the first place.

Don't you see?

One without the other -- well, it doesn't work.

What about our bet?

We could make a new bet.

Oh?

Yeah.

[ Sniffles ]

I'll bet you

that you and I could be the first man/woman team

to do the play-by-plays at the super bowl.

[ Chuckles ]

You know, I bet we can.

No. But wait a minute. That's not much of a bet.

I mean, we're both betting on the same side.

Right. That's what makes us odds-on favorites.

[ Laughing ] Oh.

[ Laughs ]

♪ When you arouse the need in me ♪

♪ my heart says "yes, indeed" in me ♪

♪ proceed with what you're leading me to ♪

♪ it's such an ancient pitch ♪

♪ but one I'd never switch ♪

♪ 'cause there's no nicer witch than you ♪

[ Song ends ]

I'm not going in there. I look like I'm about to hatch!

Relax. I'll find you somebody dressed as bacon.

[ Squawks angrily ]

That's my costume!

Pumpkin time!

Thank you very much.

But -- but, gopher, I --

don't ask any questions!

Hey, Julie, wait!

[ Crowd murmurs ]

Wait! Julie!

Julie, wait! Julie?

Gopher, I'm gonna scramble you!

Julie. I thought you were cinderella.

Uh, uh, uh, i-i was,

until there was this substitution

by the late gopher Smith.

Well, who was that girl, then?

I don't know.

Well, look, I got to find her. Can I have that?

I got to find the girl that fits this slipper, all right?

Sure.

Thanks, Julie.

You're a good egg.

Well?

Nothing.

I just had this incredible craving for a mushroom omelet.

Hey! Well, so long, guys.

I hope you enjoyed your cruise.

Oh, we certainly did.

Hey, what's this I hear about you two?

What you hear, doctor, are wedding bells.

Ooh!

Hey, doc has been married so often,

his ears are still ringing.

[ Laughter ]

Come and see us again.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Ta-ta.

So long.

Goodbye.

No! [ Laughs ]

Oh, no. Now, don't tell me you two --

oh, we figured,

"why break up the second man/woman play-by-play --"

second?

Yes. Didn't you hear?

Howard cosell has a new girl working with him.

Who?

Who?

Fran tarkenton.

[ Laughter ]

Goodbye, you two. Good luck.

Thank you. See you later, captain.

Try it on. Try it on.

I seem to remember seeing a Disney cartoon like this once.

I got to find that girl. She sings like a dream.

Well, why don't you just ask gopher who she is?

Well, actually, it was a lot more fun this way.

It didn't fit me,

and your foot's two sizes bigger than mine.

Ladies, ladies, is there anyone

who hasn't tried the slipper yet?

Okay, go on. Come on.

Are you kidding? My stepmother would kill me.

[ Sighs ]

Well, then, sing. You've still got a chance.

Sing "witchcraft."

Gopher, I-I can't.

You can!

Just... Pretend you have a mask on.

Go on!

Come on! Come on!

Um, um...

♪ Those fingers in my hair ♪

♪ that sly come-hither --♪

Take it.

♪ Those fingers in my hair ♪

♪ that sly come-hither stare ♪

That's her! That's the girl!

Excuse me, miss.

How would you like to be a showbiz biggie?

Cindy?!

Why, she sings like a nightingale,

she looks like a little angel.

She'd be perfect for my band.

Oh, i'd love to be a showbiz biggie!

She's gonna be a showbiz biggie!

Who's gonna iron our clothes?

Never mind, Dee-Dee. The wrinkled look is in.

Cindy, doll!

You're going to need some new clothes.

You may have sue-sue's allowance.

Now, I have this wonderful idea for her opening song.

Told you.

Oh, gopher, it's been just like a fairy tale!

And you made it happen.

[ High-pitched ] Please, my child.

Don't you realize how difficult it is

for we fairy godmothers

to get the creases out of our magic wand?

Oh, Julie, I'm sorry for taking your costume.

It's okay. I didn't mind being an egg.

And it wasn't your fault.

Julie!

Julie, listen.

Uh, before you kill me,

there's somebody here that I really want you to meet,

someone with whom you have a lot in common.

Oh. Who?

Well, his friends call him humpty.