All language subtitles for Euphoria - 1x09 - .WEB.en

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, wait. Don't kiss me. I just woke up.

No, it doesn't matter.
They're good luck kisses.

- Oh, fuck. Wait. My presentation.
- What?

- Wait, what time is it?
- You're good. You're good.

- You're good. It's eight.
- Okay.

You're good.

- I'm so fucking nervous.
- You got it.

- Mm, I can't fuck this up.
- You're gonna be...

You're gonna be amazing.

Want me to walk you to school?

Mm, I think I wanna listen
to music and clear my head,

but I love you.

I love you, too.

Go. Go.

You know whatever happens today,
I'm proud of you.

Ooh.

Can you believe it?

It's everything we dreamed of.

- Mm. I love you.
- I love you.

Shit.

You had pancakes, right?

Look, Ali, I know you don't believe me,

but I'm, I'm doing really good,
actually.

- Is that so?
- Yeah.

- Mm.
- Yeah, for sure.

I mean it, you know,
could suddenly shit flip

and get super dark? Yeah, you know.

I mean it could, but...
I feel like I've found this, like,

amazing balance, where
I'm like happy and healthy,

and I'm not, like,
looking to anybody else

for that happiness, you know?

Fuckin' Jules.

The way I was, like,
putting way too much

of my emotional well-being
in her hands, you know,

without ever, like, talking about it,

or, or saying it. I...

Especially the way I was fuckin'...

making plans for the rest
of our life and shit. And I just...

And I look back and I'm just like,
why the fuck did I do that?

It's fuckin' crazy. And weird.

Eh, I don't know.

I guess I just, like,
made her the point.

But she's, like, not the point.

I'm the point, you know?

The point is your sobriety.

Yeah. Of course. Yeah.

And, and like, my,
my general overall well-being.

Which starts with your sobriety.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

And, like, finding an emotional
balance, you know?

You just said you found
an amazing balance.

I, I did.

I have. I, I mean,
but I'm not perfect, you know, so...

I'm, I'm sane, though.

Like, I'm sane. Saner.

I'm making sane decisions.

Rue.

You're high.

I feel like you're not
listening to what I'm saying.

Rue, I don't think you're
listening to what you're saying.

I feel like that's
physically impossible.

To what? Talk some bullshit?

Huh.

You know, that's what,
like, I, I don't understand

about the world.

'Cause, like, there is tons
of people who, you know,

drink and do drugs,
and sometimes their life is good.

And sometimes,
life's just bad, you know?

It's fucking life. There's ups
and downs to this shit, but,

I mean, whether you believe me or not,

- I'm, like, I'm good.
- Yeah, yeah, you said that.

Yeah, I mean, it's not like
I'm doing a bunch of shit.

I'm just smoking a little bit of weed,

and taking some pills that
were prescribed to me.

My point is, it's not gonna last.

Yeah, well, neither do
my moods when I'm sober.

Okay, well, you know,
I'm not saying you're, um,

a paragon of mental health.

You've got your issues,
and you're gonna be

struggling with those issues
for the rest of your life.

That's a fact.

The problem is,
is that you look at sobriety

as a weakness in the
face of those issues,

and what I'm saying is,
sobriety is your greatest weapon.

Yeah.

Ali, can I tell you something?

Yeah.

Like, for real, if...
If I say some dark shit,

you're not gonna report me
to the state or something?

Uh, Rue, I'm not a guidance counselor.

I'm just a crackhead who's trying to do

a little good on this Earth
before I die.

Uh, you're, you're a trip, man.

- What were you gonna say?
- Ah.

- It doesn't matter. It's stupid.
- All right, I'm sorry. Come on.

- What were you gonna say? Say it.
- Nah. I don't wanna...

Say it.

Um...

When I'm, uh, when I'm clean, you know,

when I'm present, uh,
like a part of this world,

I don't just think about relapsing.

It's, uh, it's darker than that.

And, uh, you can say
that sobriety is my, uh,

greatest weapon, but...

To tell you the truth,
drugs are probably

the only reason I haven't killed myself.

Oh.

Now we're talkin'.

Now you're being real.
Now you're being honest.

Because this whole bullshit
about being a functioning

drug addict, about finding balance,

- that ain't true. That's a lie.
- It's not a lie.

It's a lie, whether you know it or not

but more importantly,
I don't give a fuck to hear it.

Yeah, whatever, man.

"Whatever, man"?

Whatever, man.

Listen, young blood.

I was shooting dope before
your mama's egg dropped.

I've lived a whole motherfuckin'
life to get to this diner

to sit across from your arrogant ass,

so don't you ever "whatever" me.

You're 17. You don't know shit.

You think you're hard? I'm harder.

You think you're tough? I'm tougher.

You got clean and want to kill yourself?

Same motherfuckin' story here.

You want to know why?

You want to know why? I'll tell you why.

'Cause you don't know how to live life.

You don't have the tools.
You're too busy running around,

trying to bullshit everybody
into thinking you're hard,

and you don't give a fuck,
when in reality,

you give so much of a fuck,
you can't even bear to be alive.

So guess what? New rule.

No more wasting my motherfuckin' time.

You wanna use? Use.

But the least you can do is
be honest. Own that shit.

Okay.

You feel me?

Yep.

Why'd you relapse?

I don't know. Couldn't stop
my mind from racing.

Racing about what?

- Everything.
- Hey, hey. Get specific.

All the things I remember
and all the things I wish I didn't.

Okay. I get it.

Why didn't you call me?

Just...

honestly, I wasn't really
trying not to relapse.

Yeah. Man. Okay.

Where'd you get the drugs?

I had some pills for emergency purposes.

Fuck. So you never stood a chance.

Nope.

Do you wanna get clean?

No.

You sure?

Yep.

I get it. I get it.

Is that fucked up?

What? That you don't want to get clean?

Yeah, yeah. Of course it's fucked up.

Ah. I'm a piece of shit, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're a piece of shit.

All right, but, uh,
here's the silver lining.

You're not a drug addict
because you're a piece of shit.

You're a piece of shit because
you're a drug addict. You follow?

- Mm, I don't really...
- Okay, all right.

What I'm saying is, you didn't come out

of the womb an evil person.

You, Rue, came out of the
womb a beautiful baby girl,

who unbeknownst to her,
had a couple of wires crossed.

So when you tried
drugs for the first time,

it, uh, set something off in your brain

that's beyond your control.

And it isn't a question of willpower.

It's not about how strong you are.

You've been fighting a losing
game since the first day

you got high.

So you can destroy your life,
you can fuck

your little sister's head up,
you can abuse and torture

and take for granted your mama,
and sit here and

look me in the eye,
and say, as calm as can be,

as cool as a cucumber,
"Imma keep usin' drugs."

Ha.

That is the disease of addiction.

It is a degenerative disease.

It is incurable. It is deadly.

And it's no different than cancer.

And you got it.

Why? Mm. Luck of the draw.

But, hey, but the hardest
part of having the disease

of addiction,
aside from having the disease,

is that no one in the world
sees it as a disease.

They see you as selfish.

They see you as weak.

They see you as cruel.

They see you as, uh, destructive.

They think, why should
I give a fuck about her

if she doesn't give a fuck
about herself or anybody else?

Why does this girl deserve
my time, my patience,

my sympathy? Right?

If she wants to kill herself, let her.

All reasonable questions and responses.

But luckily, you aren't the
only person on planet Earth

who has this disease.

There happens to be people like me,

who understand that
you aren't all that bad.

Probably underneath all
this busted-ass, chaotic energy,

you might even be a good kid.

Who knows?

And that is why we are eating
pancakes on Christmas Eve.

Despite the fact that you
don't want to get clean.

- You have daughters, right?
- Mm-hmm.

Where are they?

Different places,
celebrating with their families.

Mm. You see them often?

I've never declined an invitation.

Wait, but haven't you been,
like, clean for 20 years?

Nah, nah.

I was clean for seven years.

Wait, really?

Yeah, well, I had 12 years before that,

but you know, I got cocky.

Started to walk around
thinking I was invincible.

So, now I got seven years.

- Oh, shit.
- Right.

Wait, how do you...
How do you relapse after 12 years?

You forget how bad it is.

Damn. How, how long did you relapse for?

A... year and a half.

- Oh, fuck.
- Yeah, fuck. Yeah. Right.

Oh, shit.

Damn. I thought, I thought
you were gonna say,

like, a day or something.

Nah, nah. Once you get
back in that cycle,

you know, using and abusing,
it's inescapable.

Especially if you've
been clean for 12 years.

That's when the disease starts talking.

"Twelve years, Martin,
and you ain't never

getting that far again." Aah.

Wait. Martin?

Uh, yeah.

Who's Martin?

Martin is me.

What?

- My name.
- Your name is Martin?

- Well, it used to be.
- What?

- Before I converted.
- To what?

To Islam.

Ali, I'm super fucking
confused right now.

What am I, your first Black friend?

What'd you think,
I was actually from the Middle East?

- I'm from south Philly.
- What...

Yeah, but you, you just don't,
you don't look like a Martin.

You don't.

I didn't think so, either.

Do women ever convert to Islam?

- Very few.
- Mm.

You know, it's interesting,
'cause, like...

It's kind of what I struggle with.

What do you mean?

The NA shit.

Step one, I, I, I'm cool with.

Like, you know, I, I can,

I can agree, you know,

I'm powerless over drugs,
and my life is unmanageable.

That's not, like, fucking inconceivable.

- Right. Right.
- But, um...

It's step two.

"Came to believe that a
power greater than ourselves

could restore us to sanity."

That one, I just, I, uh...

I have some trouble with.

Oh, oh, okay.

All right, all right, I see.

Now I get it.

You don't believe
there's a power on Earth

greater than Rue.

That's not true.

- Really?
- It's not true.

I think there's tons of shit

that is of greater power than me.

Name one.

A Mack truck.

Uh-huh.

- What?
- Name another.

Uh, the ocean.

Try again.

Shit. I would say

any song by Otis Redding is
of greater power than me.

That doesn't make any sense.

It does. Yeah, it does.

- It does.
- What?

The... The impact that
"Try a Little Tenderness"

had on the world is,
is more than I, I could ever do.

- Well...
- It's more than probably

- any of us will ever fucking do.
- All right, all right, all right.

Little smart ass.
Okay, that's not gonna cut it.

Ali, I don't believe in God.

Guess what?

God doesn't give a fuck
if you believe in him.

- He believes in you.
- I don't know.

That, that, that sounds good,

but it, it doesn't really mean anything.

Of course it means something.

If God didn't believe in you,
you wouldn't even

still be breathing.

So, you're saying the reason
my dad died is because God

didn't believe in him?

Rue, uh, that's not what I was saying...

There's nothing that
makes me angrier than

that fucking argument.

Hey, that's, that's not
what I was saying...

You know, 'cause every time
someone survives,

like, a mass shooting or some
terrible fucking earthquake,

they always say, you know,
"I survived for a reason.

God saved me for a reason.
I have a purpose."

And then I think to myself,
like, okay, well,

what you're saying is that
your life is more important

than that six-year-old who
died that day, or the newborn

who died that day,
or anybody fucking else

who died that day.

Your life has a purpose, right?

Well, why does your life have a purpose,

and my dad's doesn't?

Because I could argue
that my dad's purpose

was to raise me and my sister.

To be there for my mom.

That was his purpose, I think.

But, you know.

He's dead.

- Listen...
- Ali, if you're,

if you're about to tell me

that he died for a reason,
or you know, whatever,

I will literally walk the fuck out.

I, I wasn't.

He didn't die to teach us a lesson.

Okay? He didn't die to, you know,

have us all come together,
or whatever the fuck

people tell people when they
don't have anything to say.

He died because he died. That's it.

Same stupid reason
I came out of the womb

with a couple wires crossed.

Right? Just fucking luck.

You said it.

That's it.

Listen, um...

I don't know all the answers.

And I'm not gonna pretend to.

But I do know that at any given point

that we're unable to see and comprehend

the overall arc of human life.

No person can see it.

The whole chain reaction
of how things come to be

from beginning to end.

It's a mystery,
and will always remain a mystery.

How, um, six-year-old
Malcolm Little's daddy

was killed in a streetcar accident.

Rumor was it that
the Black Legion did it.

The KKK.

How that little boy grew up
believing that this white world

had no place for a Black man
like him, so fuck it.

He moves to Harlem, becomes a pimp.

Becomes an addict.

Starts robbing and stealing,
till he gets locked up.

Who discovers Islam.

Who starts a movement.

Who scares the living shit
out of white America so bad

that white America
was so afraid that they

embraced another Negro,
one who had a dream,

not to cut the head off the snake,

even if that's what they deserved,
but to live in harmony.

Next thing you know, Civil Rights Act.

The first legislative steps
granting you and I the right

to sit in this motherfuckin'

diner to have a conversation
about whether or not

you wanna stay clean from drugs.

Drugs that were given to your ancestors

to keep them inebriated,
inoculated, enslaved.

Drugs that stripped them
of their ability to not

just be free, but to imagine
a world in which they were free.

So, why is one person's
purpose greater than another's?

Why are some people struck
down while others live?

Why are you, Rue Bennett,
sitting here when other

17-year-olds, 17-year-olds
who are better, who are kinder,

who are more respectful than you,
aren't sitting here,

I don't know.

That's the mystery.

But here we are.

So what now?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll...

start a revolution like
Malcolm X or something.

But haven't you heard,
man, revolutions are

no longer radical.

What are you talking about?

There's so many
revolutions that everybody's

a revolutionary.

The rich. The poor.

The right. The left.

The young. The old.

The beggars. The bankers.

Man... is it beautiful.

Huh?

Everyone all at once, fighting
one revolution after another.

I tell ya, I never thought
I'd see so many revolutions

in my entire life.

The, the revolutions are
fought and won so damn fast

that the people don't even
have time to implement change,

because have you heard?

Huh? There's a new revolution.

I went down to, um,
buy me a new pair of kicks

at the Nike store the other day.

And I look up on the wall,
and I see in 20-foot letters,

these words, "Our people matter."

And I thought, man, this feels good.

Here I am, and my favorite
shoe store's out here saying,

"I know you lived a long life.

"And I know that life
ain't always been easy,

"but here you are,
at 54 years old, my brother,

and I want to say I love you."

And I'm like, man.

This feels good.

And I'm like, thank you, Nike.

And then I pick up a pair
of these sneakers

and I look at the price tag,
and it says $139.99.

And I'm, like,

I thought Nike loved me.

Appreciated me and my life.

What happened here?

And I look around the store,
and I see a whole bunch

of Black people, you know,
also feeling good.

And I see a whole bunch
of white people, too.

Also feeling good.
Some even, you know, posing.

And taking, uh, pictures
with the 20-foot letters on the wall.

And, uh... Shit. Yeah.
Yeah. Straight up.

I just had this feeling,
and I thought, fuck you, Nike.

You don't give a fuck
about anything or anyone.

Chinese Muslims are sewing
these Kaepernick sneakers

for seven cents an hour,
and you're tellin' me

my Black ass matters.
Give me a fucking break.

If rap music wasn't mainstream,

if Nirvana was still the
most popular band in America,

they'd be out here saying,
"Depression Matters,"

because that's what would move sneakers.

Shit. These advertisers.

They're too good.

Uh-huh.

And they've outsmarted us.

But at the same time,
your generation's full of

some mark-ass bitches,
because they've tapped

into your phones.

Yeah, yeah. They've read your likes.

They've predicted your moves,
and trapped yo' asses.

You think you out here
fighting a revolution,

and Bank of America's on your side?

Give me a fucking break.

Because a true revolution has no allies.

It's just that simple.

Because a true revolution,
not a fast one,

not a quick one, not a fashionable one,

but a real fucking revolution,
is at its core, spiritual.

It is a complete decimation
of one's priorities,

beliefs, and way of living.

And reconstruction in
the spirit of, uh...

You have to create a new God.

Or gods. Or whatever you can.

But it is imperative that
you believe in something.

Something greater
than yourself. All right?

And it can't be the ocean,
or your favorite song.

And it can't be the movement,
or the people, or the words.

You've got to believe in the poetry.

Because everything else in
your life will fail you.

Including yourself.

You hear me?

That's where you are.

You're sick.

Your whole system's on
the verge of collapse.

And the addict in
you is trying to sell you

on the same shit that got
you sick in the first place.

And if you keep going
the way you're going,

you'll rot from the inside
until you cave in and die.

Your only hope is a revolution.

But a real fuckin' revolution,
inside and out.

But you gotta see it through.

You can't half-ass this shit.

You just have to commit to it,
every single day.

And know that you
can always do it better.

And be better.

Because who knows? Um...

One day, you might succeed.

I don't underestimate anyone.

Uh... Stranger things have happened.

Be right back.

All right?

_

♪ Hey, after all these years ♪

♪ I'm still here ♪

♪ Fingers outstretched ♪

♪ With your imprint in my bed ♪

♪ A pit so big ♪

♪ I lay on the edge ♪

♪ Will love let me down ♪

♪ Again, oh, no ♪

Oh, hey, hey!

I didn't know you were gonna pick up.

I-I thought I was gonna
get your voicemail.

Uh... heh. Nah, nah.

I'm not... Not trying to guilt trip you.

It's just...

It's Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

♪ I wonder how I'll sleep at night ♪

♪ With a cavity by my side ♪

♪ And nothing left to hold but pride ♪

♪ Will I ♪

Your sister there?

Oh, that's good. That's good.

♪ Hey, me in 20 years ♪

Tell her I, uh,
tell her Merry Christmas for me.

And tell her I, I love her.

And I miss her very much.

No. Nah.

I'm not trying to talk to
her through you, Imani.

That's not what I was try...

Right.

♪ Of sentimental veneer ♪

♪ I wonder how I'll sleep ♪

I'm doing good.
I'm... I just came from my meeting.

Now I'm standing in the parking lot. Ha.

Nah, nah, nah.

I'm just getting pancakes
with a kid I sponsor.

♪ Hold out a little bit more ♪

♪ A little bit more,
just a little bit more ♪

Hey, hey. Hey!

Who's this?

Rashad?

"Who's this?"

It's Poppo.

Poppo Ali.

Wait, wait, wait. Say it again.

Oh, yeah, little man!

Oh, oh, hey. Oh, wow.

Oh, wow. Hey.

What a voice he has on him.

Right?

Wait. How tall is he by now?

Is he... What... yeah.

Oh, yeah... Nah.

Oh, yeah. No, I, I, I understand.

It's not a problem.

Oh, wow.

♪ Is it laced within my DNA ♪

♪ To be braced in endless January ♪

♪ Have I become the cavity I feared? ♪

I, I'm all right.

I, I just feel like I'm in a...

one of them old movies.

"It's a Wonderful Life."

It's a wonderful life.

Merry Christmas, Imani.

♪ Ask me in 20 years ♪

Ali, what am I supposed
to do about Jules?

Miss Marsha?

Question.

Yes?

How long you been clean?

Seventeen years,

by the grace of God.

Seventeen years.

Never thought I'd be able to say that.

But I say it with a lot of pride.

Seventeen years.

Why?

What would happen if, uh,
you thought about dating

in the early stages of
you trying to get clean?

You want to know if I
was interested in dating,

or if I was interested in getting clean?

'Cause the answer is "yes"
to both of those questions.

But...

I had to not be in a relationship,

so that I could focus on my sobriety.

Because that's what I wanted,

and I didn't have enough
energy for both of those.

And I wanted to get clean.

Everything that's good to you

ain't always good for you.

What do you have to
say to somebody who doesn't

have a whole lot of hope?

When I was a little girl growing up,

my grandma used to

always have this saying,
and I never understood

what it meant...

until I was ready to get clean.

And her words were, "Baby,
trouble don't last always."

And it doesn't,
if you want to make a change.

That's up to you.

You got any more questions for me

while I'm trying to count my tips?

Nah, count 'em.

Imma throw a couple more in there later.

You need to, with your cheap ass.

That's the truth, right there.

You know...

It's funny, when I think about it.

I still blame Jules for all this shit.

Why?

'Cause...

I was clean.

And I was, like, gonna stay clean.

And for the most part,
I was pretty happy, so...

- And fuckin' Jules...
- Wait, wait.

You were gonna stay clean?

- Yeah.
- With pills in your room?

I wasn't taking them.

- You were saving them.
- Yeah.

Even though you just said
you were gonna stay clean.

- Uh...
- And that relapsing was Jules' fault.

Ali, you don't know what she did to me.

You're right. I don't.

She cheated on me.

When I was sober,
she literally cheated on me.

I didn't know that.

Exactly.

So, you were in a relationship.

Yeah.

I thought you two were just friends.

No.

Huh.

When did it shift?

Uh, the night of the carnival,
she came over,

and we, like, kissed a whole bunch.

Okay, but when did it
become a relationship?

I just told you. That night.

It became a relationship that night.

- Yeah.
- So it wasn't just kissing.

You two talked about being together.

What? That's so weird.

What?

Why would we talk about it?

Because that's how people
get into relationships, Rue.

They talk about it.

I mean, we said "I love you."

A lot.

I say "I love you" to my barber.

Okay, yeah, but you don't
make out with your barber.

Even if I did, my barber might assume

it was just a casual thing.

We talked about getting matching tattoos

on the inside of our lips.

Damn.

Did you?

No, but we, we talked about it.

Okay.

Keep going.

I mean, there's nothing else
to say, you know?

Except that I loved her.

I trusted her.

And when I look back at it,
you know, just,

it's like she lied to me.

And, uh, manipulated me.

Right.

Like the whole thing
at the train station.

Her trying to get me
to run away with her,

even though I was, um, scared, and...

didn't have my medication...
Just kind of fucked up,

and selfish.

I didn't think she was
actually gonna go.

You know, like, leave me.

It just kind of set something
off in my head, you know?

Thinking about my whole life, how...

people make all these fucking promises.

My mom kissing me on
the forehead, and...

telling me my dad's gonna be all right.

And Jules talking about how
we're gonna live together

when she goes off to college
and sleep in the same bed,

and be together forever.

And then she ditches me.

'Cause she met another girl.

Just...

made me think about how everyone lies.

It's not even the lies that hurt,
you know?

It's the fact that you're never
really emotionally prepared

for someone to leave you.

Just kind of messed up.

And it just started, like,
this avalanche of shit,

about maybe I deserve it.

Maybe this is the universe's punishment

for me being a piece
of shit my entire life.

Stealing from my mom.

Hitting her in the face.

That's what I've done, Ali.

I have, I have hit my mom in the face.

I picked up a piece of glass,
and I pointed it at my mom

and I threatened to kill her.

That is some unforgivable shit.

Maybe I deserve to get my ass left

at a train station
at 1:00 a.m., you know?

Drugs change who you are as a person.

Every time I attacked my mom,
I wasn't high.

Drugs change who you are as a person.

It's still unforgivable.

Nah. It's not.

Come on.

If I actually believe that
what you did was unforgivable,

I wouldn't be sitting here,
because what I've done

in my life, is way more unforgivable.

Yeah, right. No.

Ah. I said it before. I'll say it again.

You're playing pool with Minnesota Fats.

Maybe if I was some
random-ass classmate of yours

with no life experience,
and I heard that you

picked up a piece of glass
and threatened your mom,

I'd be like, "Ooh, that's unforgivable."

But the more you believe that,
the sicker it makes you,

because every time you do
something unforgivable,

you think, "Why change?
I'm just a piece of shit.

I better keep going.
What's the difference now?"

Without realizing that
forgiveness is the key to change.

We're too busy running around

judging everybody's
intentions and motivations

as if we have some insight
into the human soul.

You know, "You did this,
so that must mean you're that."

Just give me a break.

Ali, I picked up a piece of glass.

I pointed it at my mom.

And I told her I was gonna kill her.

Right.

That's fucking terrible.

But what's it mean?

Means that I'm a piece of shit.

- Look deeper.
- I am.

Nah. You're not. Look deeper.

Ali, that sounds like a tag
line for a dumb fucking movie.

So just because it doesn't
sound cool enough to you,

you're gonna settle
for being superficial?

That's unforgivable.

Look deeper. What's it mean?

That I'm violent to someone I love.

Okay, okay.

Why?

Because that's who I am.

I don't know what that means.

It means that I'm okay with that.

Are you?

That's what it says.

But are you okay with that?

No.

So, it's not who you are.

Yeah, well, I still did it.

But why are you not okay with it?

Because it's a terrible
fucking thing to do.

- Why?
- Because it's shitty.

It's cruel, and it's mean,
and my mom doesn't deserve that.

- Those are all things you believe.
- Yes.

And your beliefs are
part of who you are.

Yes, of course.

So what you're saying is,
is that you can

simultaneously do something
that you also believe is wrong.

Well, doesn't you doing it mean
more than your intentions?

It all depends.

Why are you ignoring all
the things you believe?

'Cause I wasn't thinking.

Okay, but that could
just be the struggle

of all human beings.

What?

Living up to their belief system.

Not all human beings
threaten to kill their mom.

True. Yours is more extreme.

I'll give you that.

But why?

Why is it more extreme?

Yeah.

I don't know. 'Cause of, like,

drugs, and... certain
emotional disorders.

You sure it's that, and not just
because you're a terrible person?

I mean, 'cause it could just
be because you're a piece of shit.

No, it's not that.

I mean, 'cause there's
a lot of people with

drug issues and emotional issues

that don't threaten
to kill their mothers.

Yeah, no. I know.

But you did.

And your punishment,
the sentence you're giving yourself

is that you, Rue Bennett,
are beyond forgiveness.

That punishment is way too harsh,

and it's also way too easy.

It allows you to keep doing
exactly what you're doing

without changing,
because you deserve it.

There's no hope.
You're beyond forgiveness.

So you may as well just
fuck the fuck off forever

and go down the gutter
because that's what this girl,

this piece of shit, deserves.

This is why the world
keeps getting worse.

People keep doing shit
that we deem unforgivable,

and in return, they decide
there's no reason to change.

So now you got a whole bunch
of people running around

who don't give a fuck about redemption.

That's scary.

Ali, what have you done
that's so terrible?

A lot.

But what? For real.

A lot.

- You're not just saying that?
- Nah.

You promise?

Why do you want to know?

Because I think you're,
like, a good person.

And I just couldn't imagine you,

like, doing something terrible.

I grew up in a house where my dad
used to beat up my mama.

He was a drunken, cold son of a bitch.

And every night, I lay in bed

dreaming of every which way to kill him.

But eventually, my mama up and left him

and took me and my sister
with her, and life goes on.

But I always said to myself

that no matter how bad shit got,

whether I was shooting
dope or smoking crack,

I would never, ever be like my dad.

And then I, I got married.

I had two girls. It was chaos.

I was using,
and my wife wasn't having it.

We were fighting every night.

And it got physical.

And, uh, one night I looked over

and I see my two little girls watching.

And I thought, here I am,

a grown man with two girls,
and they just watched me

hit their mom in the face.

I spent 30 years of my life...

thinking of how to kill my dad

for doing the same shit
I just did to their mom.

That's rock bottom.

It doesn't get any worse than that.

But, hey, it took me another
five years to clean up,

because for some people,
there is no rock bottom.

It's bottomless.

And the truth is,

drugs will fundamentally change

who you are as a human being.

Every moral. Every principle.

Everything you hold close
to your heart, and believe in,

will go out the window
or down the drain.

'Cause there's no force
stronger on planet Earth

than that next fix.

Now, you may be functioning.

Maybe things go well.

Maybe they last.

And maybe they don't.

But the one thing I know is true

is that the longer you do drugs,

the more you're gonna lose.

And not just in terms
of the things you love,

but the things you value about yourself.

And every compromise you make,

every moral line that you cross,

you'll go further and further,
until you don't recognize

who the fuck you are.

And that list of racing thoughts,

that list of unforgivable things,
it grows longer.

And gets uglier.

You still think I'm a good person?

Yeah.

The thought of maybe being a good person

is what keeps me
trying to be a good person.

Although, some people
might disagree with you.

My youngest daughter, for one.

What's her name?

Marie.

Ali?

Yeah?

I just don't really plan
on being here that long.

And that's, um...

That's the tough part about
all this, you know?

'Cause, I, I, I love talking to you.

I do.

And I agree with, um,
almost everything you're saying.

And I understand it.

But, um...

I just don't plan on
being here that long.

I get it.

We're living in dark times.

Huh. Not a lot of hope out there.

The thing I miss about doing drugs...

is the beauty.

No matter what's going on in the world,

no matter what's going on in your life,

everything is gonna be okay.

Yeah.

The world's just really
fuckin' ugly, you know?

It's really fuckin' ugly, and, um...

Everybody seems to be okay
with it, you know?

The anger.

The level of anger.

Everyone's just out to make
everyone else not seem human.

And I don't really
want to be a part of it.

I don't even want to witness it.

Sure, it's not, like,
the root of all my problems,

but I definitely think about it.

A lot.

Because thinking about
those questions, those ideas,

they're a large part of, uh...

what makes this life worth living.

Right?

That's what I was talking about earlier.

You gotta believe in the poetry.

The value of two people sitting
in a diner on Christmas Eve,

talking about...

life, addiction, loss.

You don't want to be a part of it,
Rue, because...

you care about the big things in life.

I don't know if I care about
the big things in life.

Come on now, of course you do

because you obviously don't care about

the small things, like being right,

or being angry.

All the things that kill
curiosity and keeps us from...

keeps us all from looking deeper.

You said it earlier.

I love talking to you.

Because we talk about the real shit.

Shit that matters.

Like, who do you want to be
when you leave this Earth?

I'm not really sure I follow.

You said you weren't
gonna be here much longer.

Okay. Then?

How do you want your mom
and sister to remember you?

As someone who tried really
hard to be someone I couldn't.

I got faith in you.

Why?

I don't know.

I just do.

Granted, I was a Christian
before I became a Muslim,

so, I've been wrong before.

Thanks.

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