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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:10,788 --> 00:00:12,090 [splat] 4 00:00:12,124 --> 00:00:13,928 (Whitney Cummings) FROM MY HOMETOWN, WASHINGTON, D.C., 5 00:00:13,961 --> 00:00:15,464 PLEASE WELCOME... 6 00:00:15,497 --> 00:00:16,934 ME. 7 00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:19,773 [cheers, whistles, applause] 8 00:00:19,806 --> 00:00:25,785 ♪ 9 00:00:25,818 --> 00:00:28,658 [cheers, whistles, applause] 10 00:00:28,691 --> 00:00:31,697 ♪ 11 00:00:39,178 --> 00:00:41,651 WHAT IS UP, D.C.? COME ON! 12 00:00:41,684 --> 00:00:43,120 COME ON! 13 00:00:43,153 --> 00:00:44,957 [cheers, whistles, applause] 14 00:00:44,990 --> 00:00:47,696 WOW, D.C.! MY HOMETOWN, BITCHES! 15 00:00:47,729 --> 00:00:49,165 COME ON! 16 00:00:49,198 --> 00:00:53,273 [cheers, whistles, applause] 17 00:00:53,306 --> 00:00:56,279 I AM WEARING SO MUCH MAKEUP RIGHT NOW, GUYS, 18 00:00:56,312 --> 00:00:58,818 I AM LIKE THE CHRISTINA AGUILERA OF COMEDY. 19 00:00:58,851 --> 00:01:00,154 GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAKEUP. 20 00:01:00,187 --> 00:01:01,824 COME ON! 21 00:01:01,857 --> 00:01:04,630 [cheers, whistles, applause] 22 00:01:04,663 --> 00:01:06,801 THIS IS SO FUCKING AWESOME! 23 00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:09,840 I-- SO GOOD TO BE HOME. I LOVE D.C. SO MUCH. 24 00:01:09,873 --> 00:01:11,544 I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN SO LONG. 25 00:01:11,577 --> 00:01:13,046 FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND, 26 00:01:13,079 --> 00:01:14,850 OUR MAYOR DOES NOT DO DRUGS ANYMORE. 27 00:01:14,883 --> 00:01:17,823 IS THAT WHAT I--- SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE? 28 00:01:17,856 --> 00:01:20,628 BUT, UH, NOW THAT I'M A COMEDIAN I TRAVEL SO MUCH NOW 29 00:01:20,661 --> 00:01:22,699 AND MY FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN I FLY 30 00:01:22,732 --> 00:01:24,837 IS READ THIS MAGAZINE CALLED COSMOPOLITAN. 31 00:01:24,870 --> 00:01:26,640 LADIES, DO WE READ THIS MAGAZINE? 32 00:01:26,673 --> 00:01:28,377 [women whooping] 33 00:01:28,410 --> 00:01:30,114 THIS MAGAZINE BASICALLY TEACHES US 34 00:01:30,147 --> 00:01:31,684 HOW TO BE SLUTS, RIGHT? 35 00:01:31,717 --> 00:01:33,186 [laughter] 36 00:01:33,219 --> 00:01:34,890 LIKE, THERE WAS AN ARTICLE IN THERE. 37 00:01:34,923 --> 00:01:38,631 IT WAS LIKE, "HOW TO TURN ON YOUR GUY." 38 00:01:38,664 --> 00:01:41,069 - HE'S A GUY. - [laughter] 39 00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:43,841 - TAKE OFF A SOCK, OKAY? - [laughter, applause] 40 00:01:43,874 --> 00:01:45,277 THERE WAS ANOTHER ONE. 41 00:01:45,310 --> 00:01:47,148 IT WAS LIKE, "FOR ADVENTUROUS SEX, 42 00:01:47,181 --> 00:01:49,052 "SURPRISE YOUR MAN AT WORK 43 00:01:49,085 --> 00:01:50,955 FOR A QUICKIE." 44 00:01:50,988 --> 00:01:53,060 I'M LIKE, I CANNOT SURPRISE MY MAN AT WORK 45 00:01:53,093 --> 00:01:54,395 FOR A QUICKIE, OKAY? 46 00:01:54,428 --> 00:01:57,334 HE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB. 47 00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:59,072 WHAT, I'M GONNA GO UP TO HIM 48 00:01:59,105 --> 00:02:00,709 WHILE HE'S WATCHING SPORTS ON THE COUCH, 49 00:02:00,742 --> 00:02:03,046 "SURPRISE"? 50 00:02:03,079 --> 00:02:05,017 THEN THERE WAS THE WHOLE SECTION-- I SWEAR TO GOD-- 51 00:02:05,050 --> 00:02:07,154 ON SEX "TRICKS." 52 00:02:07,187 --> 00:02:09,459 TRICKS? I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANY TRICKS IN THE BEDROOM. 53 00:02:09,492 --> 00:02:12,733 I HAVE A VAGINA, OKAY? 54 00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:15,972 TA-DA! 55 00:02:16,005 --> 00:02:18,310 I JUST GET TO TAKE A TYLENOL P.M. AND LIE THERE. 56 00:02:18,343 --> 00:02:20,013 THAT'S ALL I'M DOING. 57 00:02:20,046 --> 00:02:22,118 [laughter, applause] 58 00:02:22,151 --> 00:02:24,690 YOU DON'T WANT MY VAGINA DOING TRICKS. 59 00:02:24,723 --> 00:02:26,292 WHAT IF I WAS JUST LIKE, WAA-LAH! 60 00:02:26,325 --> 00:02:27,662 A BIRD FLEW OUT. 61 00:02:27,695 --> 00:02:31,670 [laughter, applause] 62 00:02:31,703 --> 00:02:33,407 AND THEN THERE WAS A WHOLE SECTION, 63 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,212 IT WAS LIKE, "HOW TO MAKE YOUR MAN SCREAM 64 00:02:36,245 --> 00:02:37,983 IN THE BEDROOM." 65 00:02:38,016 --> 00:02:40,522 GUYS, YOU ARE NEVER... 66 00:02:40,555 --> 00:02:43,059 SUPPOSED TO SCREAM... 67 00:02:43,092 --> 00:02:44,495 IN THE BEDROOM. 68 00:02:44,529 --> 00:02:47,001 THAT IS SO GAY. 69 00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:48,738 [laughter, applause] 70 00:02:48,771 --> 00:02:50,374 OKAY? I DON'T CARE IF A PIRANHA 71 00:02:50,407 --> 00:02:51,911 IS GNAWING ON YOUR BUTT HOLE, OKAY? 72 00:02:51,944 --> 00:02:53,213 I DON'T CARE. 73 00:02:53,246 --> 00:02:55,184 [laughter, applause] 74 00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:57,722 AND THEN THERE WAS A WHOLE SECTION ON "ROLE PLAY," 75 00:02:57,755 --> 00:02:59,392 WHICH I GUESS PEOPLE DO THAT NOW. 76 00:02:59,425 --> 00:03:01,864 THEY DRESS UP IN COSTUMES AND FUCK EACH OTHER. 77 00:03:01,897 --> 00:03:03,467 AND, UH, 78 00:03:03,501 --> 00:03:05,304 - THERE WAS-- - (man) YEAH! 79 00:03:05,337 --> 00:03:07,141 APPARENTLY, THE MOST POPULAR ROLE-PLAY FANTASY 80 00:03:07,174 --> 00:03:09,245 IS THE "NURSE" FANTASY-- WHICH I DON'T EVEN KNOW. 81 00:03:09,278 --> 00:03:11,382 LIKE, IF I WAS GONNA DO THE "NURSE" FANTASY FOR MY MAN, 82 00:03:11,415 --> 00:03:12,886 I WOULD JUST MAKE HIM 83 00:03:12,919 --> 00:03:15,257 WAIT IN THE LIVING ROOM... 84 00:03:15,290 --> 00:03:17,228 FOR AN HOUR, 85 00:03:17,261 --> 00:03:20,234 AND MAKE HIM READ HIGHLIGHTS MAGAZINE... 86 00:03:20,267 --> 00:03:22,873 BEFORE REJECTING HIS HEALTH INSURANCE, OKAY? 87 00:03:22,906 --> 00:03:25,210 THAT'S HOW THAT WOULD GO DOWN. 88 00:03:25,243 --> 00:03:27,481 YOU'RE IDIOTS... 89 00:03:27,515 --> 00:03:29,385 MAKING US DRESS UP IN COSTUMES. 90 00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:31,924 LADIES, NEXT TIME YOUR MAN ASKS YOU TO DRESS UP 91 00:03:31,957 --> 00:03:33,861 IN A FRIGGIN' COSTUME TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM, 92 00:03:33,894 --> 00:03:35,865 GO TO THE BATHROOM, TELL HIM YOU'RE GONNA 93 00:03:35,898 --> 00:03:37,434 SLIP INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE, 94 00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:39,105 COME OUT IN A WEDDING DRESS, OKAY? 95 00:03:39,138 --> 00:03:41,442 [laughter, oh's] 96 00:03:41,475 --> 00:03:44,015 [humming The Wedding March] ♪ DA, DA, DA-DA ♪ 97 00:03:44,048 --> 00:03:45,952 ♪ DA-- ♪ GET A BABY STROLLER. 98 00:03:45,985 --> 00:03:47,589 [laughter] 99 00:03:47,622 --> 00:03:49,425 HE'LL NEVER GET AN ERECTION AGAIN. 100 00:03:49,458 --> 00:03:52,164 IT'S AWESOME. 101 00:03:52,197 --> 00:03:54,402 I JUST DON'T LIKE ALL THESE ROLE-PLAY FANTASIES, 102 00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,974 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE THE GUY IS ALWAYS VERY AUTHORITATIVE, 103 00:03:57,007 --> 00:03:59,145 AND THE WOMAN IS ALWAYS, LIKE, SO WEAK, YOU KNOW? 104 00:03:59,178 --> 00:04:01,416 IT'S LIKE THE GUY IS ALWAYS, LIKE, A LAWYER OR, LIKE, A DOCTOR, 105 00:04:01,449 --> 00:04:03,487 AND THE WOMAN'S ALWAYS, LIKE, A SECRETARY. 106 00:04:03,521 --> 00:04:05,992 THE GUY'S, LIKE, A PROFESSOR AND THE WOMAN'S A SCHOOLGIRL. 107 00:04:06,025 --> 00:04:08,029 WHEN YOU GUYS DO THIS, YOU'RE JUST REMINDING US 108 00:04:08,062 --> 00:04:10,033 OF ALL THE JOBS YOU DON'T HAVE IN REAL LIFE. 109 00:04:10,066 --> 00:04:12,104 HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF BEING A DOCTOR IN THE BEDROOM, 110 00:04:12,137 --> 00:04:13,875 HOW 'BOUT JUST BE A FUCKING DOCTOR? 111 00:04:13,908 --> 00:04:16,079 HOW 'BOUT THAT? THAT'S... 112 00:04:16,112 --> 00:04:18,283 I DID HAVE A GUY DO THIS TO ME ONCE. 113 00:04:18,316 --> 00:04:20,354 I HAD A GUY SAY TO ME-- I SWEAR TO GOD-- HE WAS LIKE, 114 00:04:20,387 --> 00:04:22,091 "I WANT YOU TO BE A STRIPPER FOR ME." 115 00:04:22,124 --> 00:04:24,095 I WAS LIKE, 116 00:04:24,128 --> 00:04:26,534 "UH, YOU WANT ME TO BE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE... 117 00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:28,604 "AND TAKE YOUR MONEY? 118 00:04:28,637 --> 00:04:31,610 I'VE BEEN DOIN' THAT SINCE WE FREAKIN' MET, OKAY?" 119 00:04:31,643 --> 00:04:34,348 ALL I NEED IS SOME SELF-TANNER AND A SHITTY SUN TATTOO, 120 00:04:34,381 --> 00:04:36,019 AND I'M READY TO ROCK THIS RIGHT NOW. 121 00:04:36,052 --> 00:04:37,288 LET'S GO. 122 00:04:37,321 --> 00:04:39,091 DEAD EYES. 123 00:04:39,124 --> 00:04:42,364 [laughter, applause] 124 00:04:45,638 --> 00:04:48,376 I DON'T KNOW-- I JUST WAS LIKE, "DUDE, I AM NOT DOING 125 00:04:48,409 --> 00:04:51,249 THE STRIPPER FANTASY." I TOLD HIM, I WAS LIKE, "CAN WE JUST COMPROMISE? 126 00:04:51,282 --> 00:04:53,220 "HOW 'BOUT I THROW SOME GLITTER ON YOUR BALLS, 127 00:04:53,253 --> 00:04:56,059 AND WE WATCH AMERICAN IDOL. HOW ABOUT THAT?" 128 00:04:56,092 --> 00:04:58,396 I JUST THINK YOU CAN'T DO THE STRIPPER FANTASY 129 00:04:58,429 --> 00:05:00,635 UNLESS YOU HAVE A STRIPPER BODY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 130 00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:02,271 LIKE, IF I WAS GONNA, LIKE, GET NAKED 131 00:05:02,304 --> 00:05:04,342 AND DANCE AROUND, YOU KNOW, THAT POLE, 132 00:05:04,375 --> 00:05:06,580 YOU GUYS WOULDN'T BE LIKE, "OH, LOOK AT THAT STRIPPER." 133 00:05:06,613 --> 00:05:09,218 YOU'D BE LIKE, "WHAT IS THAT EUROPEAN BOY DOIN' ON A JUNGLE GYM?" 134 00:05:09,251 --> 00:05:13,561 [laughter, applause] 135 00:05:13,594 --> 00:05:16,567 I JUST FEEL LIKE OUR SOCIETY IS OBSESSED WITH STRIPPERS. 136 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,738 LIKE, AT MY GYM IN L.A., THERE'S A CLASS CALLED 137 00:05:18,771 --> 00:05:20,775 "STRIPTEASE AEROBICS." 138 00:05:20,808 --> 00:05:23,113 RIGHT? IT'S LIKE, GET IN SHAPE LIKE A STRIPPER. 139 00:05:23,146 --> 00:05:26,286 WHAT, IS A PIMP GONNA CHASE ME AROUND THE GYM FOR AN HOUR, 140 00:05:26,319 --> 00:05:29,626 AND I GET TO DO FRICKIN' BLOW-- WHAT IS THIS CLASS?... 141 00:05:29,659 --> 00:05:31,597 I'M IN. 142 00:05:31,630 --> 00:05:35,370 [laughter, cheers, applause] 143 00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:37,509 I'M JUST NOT ADVENTUROUS LIKE THAT. 144 00:05:37,542 --> 00:05:39,613 LIKE, I HAD A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE ASK ME RECENTLY, SHE'S LIKE, 145 00:05:39,646 --> 00:05:41,082 "HAVE YOU EVER MADE A SEX TAPE?" 146 00:05:41,115 --> 00:05:42,586 SHE'S A SLUT. UM... 147 00:05:42,619 --> 00:05:44,455 [laughter] 148 00:05:44,488 --> 00:05:46,426 I FEEL LIKE GUYS CAN MAKE SEX TAPES, RIGHT? 149 00:05:46,459 --> 00:05:48,531 'CAUSE YOU GUYS, YOU'RE LIKE, EMOTIONALLY UNATTACHED. 150 00:05:48,564 --> 00:05:50,602 LIKE, YOU CAN MAKE A SEX TAPE WITH SOME GIRL, YOU KNOW, 151 00:05:50,635 --> 00:05:52,706 FROM LIKE, 10 YEARS AGO, POP IN IT NOW AND BE LIKE, 152 00:05:52,739 --> 00:05:55,243 - [macho voice] "OH, YEAH!" - [laughter] 153 00:05:55,276 --> 00:05:57,649 I DON'T KNOW WHY I THINK ALL GUYS JERK-OFF LIKE THAT. 154 00:05:57,682 --> 00:06:00,220 - WHY DO-- WHY IS THAT? - [laughter continues] 155 00:06:00,253 --> 00:06:04,095 LIKE-- [grunting]-- JUST LIKE... [grunting] 156 00:06:04,128 --> 00:06:06,466 JUST LIKE, ALWAYS STANDING UP. 157 00:06:06,499 --> 00:06:09,472 LIKE, HUNCHED OVER LIKE... 158 00:06:09,506 --> 00:06:12,378 LIKE A TROLL OR SOMETHING. LIKE, [grunting]-- 159 00:06:12,411 --> 00:06:14,482 AND YOU GO-- YOU LIKE, GROWL-- ARR, ARR. 160 00:06:14,516 --> 00:06:16,654 LIKE-- AND IT'S ALWAYS UNDER A BRIDGE. 161 00:06:16,687 --> 00:06:19,091 LIKE, WHY DO I THINK THAT? 162 00:06:19,124 --> 00:06:21,597 BUT YOU GUYS CAN WATCH SEX TAPES. RIGHT? 163 00:06:21,630 --> 00:06:24,435 ALL YOU GUYS HAVE TO DO IS BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH. LOOK AT MY BALLS. OH, YEAH." 164 00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:26,239 'CAUSE YOU GUYS LOVE YOUR BALLS. 165 00:06:26,272 --> 00:06:28,143 YOU GOT TO SEE YOUR BALLS, AND YOU'RE STOKED, 166 00:06:28,176 --> 00:06:29,813 'CAUSE YOU GUYS-- YOU LOVE YOUR BALLS, RIGHT? 167 00:06:29,846 --> 00:06:31,617 YOU THINK THOSE THINGS ARE AWESOME. 168 00:06:31,650 --> 00:06:33,386 YOU THINK THEY'RE SO GREAT. 169 00:06:33,419 --> 00:06:35,825 NEWS FLASH-- THEY'RE TERRIBLE. 170 00:06:35,858 --> 00:06:38,496 THEY ARE DISGUSTING. 171 00:06:38,530 --> 00:06:39,733 THEY'RE EMBARRASSING. 172 00:06:39,766 --> 00:06:41,336 THEY ARE AWFUL. 173 00:06:41,369 --> 00:06:42,605 CAN SOMEONE JUST EXPLAIN, 174 00:06:42,638 --> 00:06:44,442 WHY DO ALL BALLS LOOK LIKE 175 00:06:44,475 --> 00:06:46,613 THEY'RE 150-YEARS-OLD? 176 00:06:46,646 --> 00:06:50,420 [laughter, cheers, applause] 177 00:06:50,453 --> 00:06:53,561 [women cheering] 178 00:06:53,594 --> 00:06:57,167 LIKE, CAN YOU PUT SOME SUNSCREEN ON THAT, PLEASE? 179 00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:59,573 MAYBE SOME LIP BALM OR SOMETHING-- THAT'D BE GOOD. 180 00:06:59,606 --> 00:07:02,812 AND THEY'RE ALWAYS ASHY. WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS... 181 00:07:02,845 --> 00:07:05,417 BUT THEY'RE ALSO, LIKE, STICKY AT THE SAME TIME, 182 00:07:05,450 --> 00:07:07,655 SO IT'S LIKE, WHAT IS THE TEMPERATURE DOWN THERE? 183 00:07:07,688 --> 00:07:09,291 I CANNOT FIGURE IT OUT. 184 00:07:09,324 --> 00:07:12,398 WHAT IS THAT WETNESS GOING ON? 185 00:07:12,431 --> 00:07:14,268 LIKE, WHAT IS THAT? IT'S TEARS. IT'S PROBABLY TEARS. 186 00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:15,872 THEY'RE CRYING, 'CAUSE THEY KNOW HOW UGLY THEY ARE. 187 00:07:15,905 --> 00:07:18,209 THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON. 188 00:07:18,242 --> 00:07:20,213 THEY LOOK LIKE THAT THING HANGING OFF A ROOSTER'S CHIN, 189 00:07:20,246 --> 00:07:22,418 JUST RIGHT...UGH. 190 00:07:22,451 --> 00:07:25,424 OH, AND YOU GUYS ARE SHAVING 'EM NOW-- YOU THINK THAT HELPS? 191 00:07:25,457 --> 00:07:27,494 DO NOT SHAVE YOUR BALLS. 192 00:07:27,528 --> 00:07:29,231 THE LAST THING THOSE THINGS NEED TO BE ARE MORE VISIBLE. 193 00:07:29,264 --> 00:07:30,835 NO WAY. 194 00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:33,173 GROW IT OUT, COVER UP THOSE WEIRD, 195 00:07:33,206 --> 00:07:35,778 BROWN SPLOTCHES AND...VEINS. 196 00:07:35,811 --> 00:07:38,651 THEY'RE AWFUL. THEY LOOK LIKE DRIED FRUIT. 197 00:07:38,684 --> 00:07:40,655 YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES. 198 00:07:40,688 --> 00:07:43,661 HOW DARE YOU? 199 00:07:43,694 --> 00:07:45,665 BUT, LIKE, WOMEN, WE CAN'T MAKE SEX TAPES. 200 00:07:45,698 --> 00:07:47,936 WE'RE TOO EMOTIONAL, RIGHT? WE'RE TOO SENSITIVE. 201 00:07:47,969 --> 00:07:50,307 LIKE, IF I WERE TO MAKE A SEX TAPE WITH SOME GUY, YOU KNOW, FROM LIKE, 202 00:07:50,340 --> 00:07:52,946 FIVE YEARS AGO, POP IN IT NOW, I WOULDN'T BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH!" 203 00:07:52,979 --> 00:07:56,352 I'D BE LIKE, [crying mockingly] "OH, MY GOD. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. 204 00:07:56,385 --> 00:07:58,624 "I'M GONNA FIND HIM ON FACEBOOK. 205 00:07:58,657 --> 00:08:00,460 - I'M GONNA..." - [laughter] 206 00:08:00,493 --> 00:08:02,464 I'M JUST NOT LIKE THAT. 207 00:08:02,497 --> 00:08:04,803 LOOK, I HAVE GIRLFRIENDS WHO WILL TEXT-MESSAGE 208 00:08:04,836 --> 00:08:06,673 NAKED PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES TO THEIR MAN, 209 00:08:06,706 --> 00:08:09,278 WHICH I GUESS THE WHOLE POINT OF THAT IS TO BE LIKE, 210 00:08:09,311 --> 00:08:11,315 "OH, HERE'S WHAT'S WAITIN' FOR YOU AT HOME, BIG BOY... 211 00:08:11,348 --> 00:08:12,752 PHOTOS." 212 00:08:12,785 --> 00:08:14,856 IF I WAS TO DO 213 00:08:14,889 --> 00:08:16,827 A "HERE'S WHAT'S WAITIN' FOR YOU AT HOME" PHOTO SHOOT, 214 00:08:16,860 --> 00:08:18,798 I WOULD TAKE SOME PICTURES OF THE FRICKIN' DISHES, OKAY? 215 00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:20,868 THE BILLS RIGHT NOW. 216 00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,808 MY VAGINA'S NOT WAITING FOR YOU AT HOME AT ALL. 217 00:08:23,841 --> 00:08:25,645 IT'S TRYIN' TO BOOK ME AN ACTING JOB. 218 00:08:25,678 --> 00:08:28,651 IT IS VERY BUSY RIGHT NOW. I'M JUST NOT SEXY LIKE THAT. 219 00:08:28,684 --> 00:08:31,790 I FEEL LIKE GIRLS ARE SEXY NOW. I'M NOT A SEXY GIRLFRIEND. 220 00:08:31,823 --> 00:08:33,460 ALL I DO IN RELATIONSHIPS IS FIGHT. 221 00:08:33,493 --> 00:08:35,631 THAT'S ALL I EVER DO IN RELATIONSHIPS. 222 00:08:35,664 --> 00:08:38,637 BUT THE THING IS THAT WOMEN-- WE ARE AMAZING FIGHTERS, RIGHT? 223 00:08:38,670 --> 00:08:41,710 - [women whooping] - WE ARE AMAZING FIGHTERS. 224 00:08:41,743 --> 00:08:43,681 WE ARE LIKE EMOTIONAL NINJAS, 225 00:08:43,714 --> 00:08:46,486 - RIGHT? - [laughter] 226 00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:49,659 OUR FAVORITE TACTIC IS THE SILENT TREATMENT. THAT IS OUR JAM, RIGHT? 227 00:08:49,692 --> 00:08:51,530 OUR MAN PISSES US OFF-- "HE PISSED ME OFF. 228 00:08:51,563 --> 00:08:53,534 "I'M NOT GONNA TALK TO HIM FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. 229 00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,470 I'M GONNA SHOW HIM." 230 00:08:55,504 --> 00:08:58,443 LADIES, "THE SILENT TREATMENT" IS NOT A PUNISHMENT. 231 00:08:58,476 --> 00:09:00,446 [laughter, applause] 232 00:09:02,852 --> 00:09:05,792 IT'S A FREAKIN' REWARD, OKAY? 233 00:09:05,825 --> 00:09:07,762 HE'S LIKE, "OH, THANK GOD SHE SHUT THE HELL UP. 234 00:09:07,795 --> 00:09:10,835 "OH, MY GOD. I LOVE THE SILENT TREATMENT. 235 00:09:10,868 --> 00:09:14,676 "I GET TO WATCH SPORTSCENTER AGAIN TODAY. 236 00:09:14,709 --> 00:09:18,517 I'M GONNA FORGET HER BIRTHDAY EVERY YEAR." 237 00:09:18,550 --> 00:09:20,387 LADIES, NEXT TIME YOUR MAN PISSES YOU OFF, 238 00:09:20,420 --> 00:09:22,491 DO NOT GIVE HIM "THE SILENT TREATMENT." 239 00:09:22,525 --> 00:09:25,898 INSTEAD, GO GOOGLE THE MOST IMPORTANT GAME OF THE SEASON, 240 00:09:25,931 --> 00:09:27,702 SIT NEXT TO HIM DURING THAT GAME, 241 00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:30,608 AND JUST ASK AS MANY... 242 00:09:30,641 --> 00:09:32,478 FUCKING QUESTIONS... 243 00:09:32,512 --> 00:09:33,781 AS POSSIBLE. 244 00:09:33,814 --> 00:09:35,818 "I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 245 00:09:35,851 --> 00:09:38,791 "WHO'S THAT GUY IN THE STRIPED SHIRT? 246 00:09:38,824 --> 00:09:42,699 "DOES HE WORK AT FOOT LOCKER? 247 00:09:42,732 --> 00:09:44,503 "I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 248 00:09:44,536 --> 00:09:46,840 "WHY ARE THEY ALL WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT? 249 00:09:46,873 --> 00:09:49,513 WHEN ARE WE GONNA HAVE A BABY?" 250 00:09:49,546 --> 00:09:51,517 EVENTUALLY, HE WILL SHOOT HIMSELF IN THE FACE, 251 00:09:51,550 --> 00:09:52,785 AND YOU FUCKING WIN THAT ARGUMENT. 252 00:09:52,818 --> 00:09:55,791 [laughter, applause] 253 00:09:55,824 --> 00:09:57,629 YOU CANNOT DEFEAT A WOMAN 254 00:09:57,662 --> 00:09:58,964 IN AN ARGUMENT, RIGHT? IT'S NEVER HAPPENED. 255 00:09:58,997 --> 00:10:01,637 'CAUSE WOMEN, 256 00:10:01,670 --> 00:10:03,507 WE NEVER EXPRESS THE EMOTIONS WE'RE ACTUALLY FEELING, RIGHT? 257 00:10:03,540 --> 00:10:04,809 WHEN WE ARE MOST PISSED OFF, YOU GUYS, WHAT DO WE SAY? 258 00:10:04,842 --> 00:10:06,847 [happy voice] "I'M FINE." 259 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:10,521 "I'M FINE" MEANS I'M ABOUT TO STAB YOU IN THE NECK. 260 00:10:10,554 --> 00:10:12,491 - [laughter] - OKAY? 261 00:10:12,525 --> 00:10:14,663 WOMEN ARE VERY TRICKY. WE'RE VERY MISLEADING, RIGHT? 262 00:10:14,696 --> 00:10:16,967 NOT ONLY EMOTIONALLY, ALSO PHYSICALLY, WOMEN ARE MISLEADING. 263 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,739 LIKE, YOU'LL SEE A GIRL OUT AT A BAR. SHE'S LIKE, 5'7". 264 00:10:19,772 --> 00:10:22,010 YOU TAKE HER HOME. THE SHOES COME OFF. SHE'S A GNOME, RIGHT? 265 00:10:22,043 --> 00:10:24,549 [laughter] 266 00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:25,985 WE'RE THE SAME WAY EMOTIONALLY, AND WE ALWAYS EXPRESS 267 00:10:26,018 --> 00:10:27,922 THE OPPOSITE EMOTION WE'RE FEELING. 268 00:10:27,955 --> 00:10:30,227 WE DO IT WITH OTHER WOMEN, TOO, RIGHT? 269 00:10:30,260 --> 00:10:31,930 WE'RE ALWAYS, LIKE, THE OPPOSITE WITH WOMEN. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. 270 00:10:31,963 --> 00:10:34,536 LIKE, ONE WOMAN HATES ANTHER WOMAN. 271 00:10:34,569 --> 00:10:35,972 THE WOMEN SHE HATES WALKS IN THE DOOR-- IT'S LIKE, 272 00:10:36,005 --> 00:10:37,942 "I CAN'T STAND THAT BITCH. I CANNOT STAND THAT BITCH. 273 00:10:37,975 --> 00:10:39,713 I HATE THAT BITCH. I CANNOT STAND THAT LITTLE SLUT." 274 00:10:39,746 --> 00:10:41,884 [high-pitched voice] "OH, HI!" 275 00:10:41,917 --> 00:10:45,725 YOU CANNOT FUCK WITH THAT KIND OF CRAZY, OKAY? 276 00:10:45,758 --> 00:10:47,962 [laughter, applause] 277 00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:51,503 BUT I FEEL LIKE ALL WE WANT YOU GUYS TO DO 278 00:10:51,536 --> 00:10:52,705 IS ASK US HOW WE'RE FEELING, RIGHT? 279 00:10:52,738 --> 00:10:54,876 ASK US, "WHAT'S WRONG?" 280 00:10:54,909 --> 00:10:56,880 YOU FINALLY ASK US WHAT'S WRONG, WHAT DO WE SAY? 281 00:10:56,913 --> 00:10:58,751 "NOTHING." EVEN IF WE DO ADMIT IT, IT'S LIKE, 282 00:10:58,784 --> 00:11:00,755 "YEAH, SOMETHING'S WRONG, 283 00:11:00,788 --> 00:11:02,825 "BUT IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU." 284 00:11:02,858 --> 00:11:04,896 GUYS, LET ME EXPLAIN THAT TO YOU, OKAY? 285 00:11:04,929 --> 00:11:07,669 USUALLY WHEN WE'RE PISSED OFF AT YOU BUT DON'T TELL YOU WHY, 286 00:11:07,702 --> 00:11:11,643 IT'S BECAUSE WE SNOOPED THROUGH YOUR SHIT, OKAY? 287 00:11:11,676 --> 00:11:13,714 CELL PHONES-- WE FOUND SOMETHING INCRIMINATING, 288 00:11:13,747 --> 00:11:15,685 BUT WE CAN'T YELL AT YOU ABOUT IT, 289 00:11:15,718 --> 00:11:17,855 'CAUSE THEN WE'D HAVE TO "ADMIT" 290 00:11:17,888 --> 00:11:19,893 THAT WE SNOOPED THROUGH YOUR SHIT. 291 00:11:19,926 --> 00:11:23,066 SO WE JUST SILENTLY PUNISH YOU FOR, LIKE, MONTHS... 292 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,871 UNTIL ONE DAY IT'LL JUST RANDOMLY EXPLODE OUT. 293 00:11:25,904 --> 00:11:28,577 YOU'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, BABY, DO YOU WANT TO GO 294 00:11:28,610 --> 00:11:29,913 TO THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY FOR DINNER?" 295 00:11:29,946 --> 00:11:32,685 "OH, WHY?! IS THAT WHERE 'JULIE' WORKS?!" 296 00:11:32,718 --> 00:11:34,956 [laughter, applause] 297 00:11:39,766 --> 00:11:42,805 I SNOOP. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. 298 00:11:42,838 --> 00:11:44,643 (woman) WOO! 299 00:11:44,676 --> 00:11:46,012 THE PROBLEM WITH WOMEN AND SNOOPING 300 00:11:46,045 --> 00:11:47,915 IS WE DON'T THINK WE'RE DOING ANYTHING WRONG, 301 00:11:47,948 --> 00:11:50,755 'CAUSE OUR MINDS CAN TALK US INTO ANYTHING, RIGHT? 302 00:11:50,788 --> 00:11:52,992 WE COULD RATIONALIZE ANYTHING IN OUR CRAZY HEADS. 303 00:11:53,025 --> 00:11:54,896 YOU DON'T REALIZE UNTIL LATER, 304 00:11:54,929 --> 00:11:56,900 TILL WE'RE FIGHTING WITH YOU ABOUT IT, 305 00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:58,937 HOW WE JUSTIFIED IT IN OUR CRAZY-ASS BRAINS, YOU KNOW? 306 00:11:58,970 --> 00:12:01,743 WE'RE LIKE, "WHAT? I WAS NOT GOING THROUGH YOUR WALLET, OKAY? 307 00:12:01,776 --> 00:12:02,845 "I WAS JUST CLEANING IT. 308 00:12:02,878 --> 00:12:04,716 [laughter] 309 00:12:04,749 --> 00:12:05,885 YOU'RE WELCOME!" 310 00:12:05,918 --> 00:12:09,726 [laughter, applause] 311 00:12:09,759 --> 00:12:11,395 I THINK THE WORST THING YOU CAN FIND 312 00:12:11,428 --> 00:12:13,767 WHEN YOU'RE SNOOPING IS JEWELRY. 313 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,638 THAT'S THE WORST THING, RIGHT? LIKE, ANOTHER WOMAN'S JEWELRY, 314 00:12:15,671 --> 00:12:17,709 EVEN IF IT'S AN EX-GIRLFRIEND OR WHATEVER. 315 00:12:17,742 --> 00:12:19,078 BUT I HAVE FOUND -- HOW PISSED OFF I GOT ABOUT THE JEWELRY 316 00:12:19,111 --> 00:12:21,717 I FOUND IN MY MAN'S PLACE WAS DIRECTLY CORRELATED 317 00:12:21,750 --> 00:12:23,821 TO HOW NICE THE JEWELRY WAS. 318 00:12:23,854 --> 00:12:26,760 SO ONE TIME I FOUND THIS REALLY CRAPPY PLASTIC BRACELET. 319 00:12:26,793 --> 00:12:29,164 I WAS LIKE, "OH, WHAT, YOU SLEPT WITH SOME GIRL WHO SHOPS AT 'CLAIRE'S'? 320 00:12:29,197 --> 00:12:31,770 'ACCESSORIES,' IS THAT IT?" 321 00:12:31,803 --> 00:12:33,072 BUT THEN I JUST NAMED A BUNCH OF STORES 322 00:12:33,105 --> 00:12:35,210 THAT NO MAN HAS EVER HEARD OF. 323 00:12:35,243 --> 00:12:37,882 I WAS LIKE, "OH, WHAT IS THIS, FROM 'WET SEAL', HUH? 324 00:12:37,915 --> 00:12:40,186 "WHAT IS THIS, FROM 'SPIEGEL'? 325 00:12:40,219 --> 00:12:43,426 WHAT IS THIS, FROM 'Overstock.com'?" 326 00:12:43,459 --> 00:12:45,798 BUT THEN ONE TIME I FOUND A REALLY, LIKE, NICE, 327 00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:47,935 LIKE, SILVER BRACELET AND IT HAD, LIKE, SOME DIAMONDS IN IT. 328 00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:51,108 I DIDN'T YELL AT HIM AT ALL. I JUST PUT IT ON MY WRIST... 329 00:12:51,141 --> 00:12:53,947 AND HE NEVER HEARD ABOUT IT AGAIN... 330 00:12:53,980 --> 00:12:55,951 - 'CAUSE I STEAL. - [laughter] 331 00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:57,922 IT'S MINE NOW, SLUT! 332 00:12:57,955 --> 00:12:59,893 [laughter, applause] 333 00:12:59,926 --> 00:13:01,797 I THINK THAT RELATIONSHIPS JUST MAKE WOMEN CRAZY. 334 00:13:01,830 --> 00:13:03,967 THEY MAKE PERFECTLY NORMAL PEOPLE GO INSANE, RIGHT? 335 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,938 LIKE, I LIKE TO PLAY A LITTLE GAME, 336 00:13:05,971 --> 00:13:07,074 LIKE, THREE MONTHS INTO A RELATIONSHIP. 337 00:13:07,107 --> 00:13:08,744 IT'S CALLED, 338 00:13:08,777 --> 00:13:11,182 "LET'S GO THROUGH YOUR CELL PHONE 339 00:13:11,215 --> 00:13:12,752 "AND DELETE THE CONTACTS... 340 00:13:12,785 --> 00:13:14,088 I DON'T LIKE." 341 00:13:14,121 --> 00:13:15,925 [laughter, applause] 342 00:13:15,958 --> 00:13:17,929 THAT'S WHEN I GET TO GO THROUGH YOUR PHONE, 343 00:13:17,962 --> 00:13:19,933 YOU GOTTA TELL ME WHO EVERY GIRL IS IN YOUR PHONE, 344 00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,903 AND THEN I DECIDE IF I FREAKIN' LIKE IT OR NOT. 345 00:13:21,936 --> 00:13:23,841 [laughter, applause] 346 00:13:23,874 --> 00:13:25,778 IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS. 347 00:13:25,811 --> 00:13:28,249 "LINDSEY"... SOUNDS LIKE A SLUT. DELETE THAT. 348 00:13:28,282 --> 00:13:31,757 "RICHARD"... THAT'S A SLUT FOR SURE. DELETE THAT. 349 00:13:31,790 --> 00:13:34,763 "MOM"? THAT'S A WHORE. DELETE THAT. 350 00:13:34,796 --> 00:13:36,065 YOU GUYS HAVE YOUR WEIRD STUFF, TOO. 351 00:13:36,098 --> 00:13:37,802 I RECENTLY NOTICED ABOUT GUYS-- 352 00:13:37,835 --> 00:13:40,908 I NOTICED THAT EVERY GUY I'VE EVER KNOWN, 353 00:13:40,941 --> 00:13:43,212 SOMEWHERE IN HIS HOUSE OR APARTMENT OR WHATEVER, 354 00:13:43,245 --> 00:13:47,789 HAS A JAR THAT'S FULL OF "COINS"? 355 00:13:47,822 --> 00:13:50,226 WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? 356 00:13:50,259 --> 00:13:51,997 THE LAST GUY I DATED-- I WAS LIKE, 357 00:13:52,030 --> 00:13:53,834 "OH, MAYBE HE, LIKE, COLLECTS COINS, 358 00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:55,838 OR MAYBE THAT'S, LIKE, HIS LAUNDRY MONEY." 359 00:13:55,871 --> 00:13:58,109 NO, THAT WAS HIS BANK ACCOUNT, OKAY? 360 00:13:58,142 --> 00:14:00,280 [laughter, applause] 361 00:14:00,313 --> 00:14:02,885 LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU, A PIRATE? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 362 00:14:02,918 --> 00:14:04,120 [laughter continues] 363 00:14:06,158 --> 00:14:07,862 I DATE CHEAP GUYS. I THINK THAT'S THE PROBLEM. 364 00:14:07,895 --> 00:14:09,899 I RECENTLY HAD A GUY-- I SWEAR TO GOD-- 365 00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:12,905 ASK ME OUT ON A DATE TO GO GET COFFEE. 366 00:14:12,938 --> 00:14:15,143 IS THAT HAPPENING NOW, IN THE PLAID SHIRT? 367 00:14:15,176 --> 00:14:17,147 YOU'RE DOIN' THAT WITH GIRLS NOW? 368 00:14:17,180 --> 00:14:19,953 YOU'RE NOT STRAIGHT. NO WAY. 369 00:14:19,986 --> 00:14:21,890 [laughter, cheers, applause] 370 00:14:21,923 --> 00:14:25,998 WHAT IS THIS SHIRT? WHAT ARE WE DOIN' HERE? 371 00:14:26,031 --> 00:14:28,136 WHAT ARE WE DOIN'? YOU'RE FUCKIN' ON TV. WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? 372 00:14:28,169 --> 00:14:29,873 [laughter, applause] 373 00:14:29,906 --> 00:14:32,310 YOU'RE FUCKIN' KILLIN' ME RIGHT NOW. 374 00:14:32,343 --> 00:14:34,949 AND YOU, DON'T EVEN TRY TO LAUGH. THIS IS WORSE. 375 00:14:34,982 --> 00:14:36,252 [laughter] 376 00:14:36,285 --> 00:14:38,256 DO YOU SEE HOW HOT THESE GIRLS ARE? 377 00:14:38,289 --> 00:14:40,928 YOU'RE FUCKIN' BLOWIN' IT. THIS IS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. 378 00:14:40,961 --> 00:14:42,932 NO, I LIKE IT. YOU'RE SEXY. 379 00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:44,168 ARE YOU SINGLE? 380 00:14:44,201 --> 00:14:46,807 - UH--EHH! - [laughter, applause] 381 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,309 EH--EH--EH! 382 00:14:48,342 --> 00:14:49,913 TOO MUCH CUM IN YOUR MOUTH? CAN'T TALK? 383 00:14:49,946 --> 00:14:51,917 [laughter, applause] 384 00:14:51,950 --> 00:14:53,753 - OKAY. - [cheers, applause] 385 00:14:57,962 --> 00:14:59,833 NO, I SERIOUSLY-- I SWEAR TO GOD-- 386 00:14:59,866 --> 00:15:02,037 I HAD A GUY ASK ME OUT ON A DATE TO GO GET COFFEE. 387 00:15:02,070 --> 00:15:03,974 HOW CHEAP IS THAT? 388 00:15:04,007 --> 00:15:05,978 HE'S LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU WANNA, LIKE, 389 00:15:06,011 --> 00:15:07,247 MAYBE GO GET SOME COFFEE LATER?" I WAS, LIKE, "SURE. 390 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:09,251 "YOU KNOW WHERE THERE'S REALLY GOOD COFFEE? 391 00:15:09,284 --> 00:15:11,121 "THIS PLACE THAT'S CALLED, UH, 'MORTON'S STEAKHOUSE'... 392 00:15:11,154 --> 00:15:12,992 [laughter] 393 00:15:13,025 --> 00:15:14,996 "YOU PIECE OF SHIT. 394 00:15:15,029 --> 00:15:16,332 [laughter, applause] 395 00:15:16,365 --> 00:15:18,402 "I LOVE A LITTLE COFFEE WITH MY LOBSTER. 396 00:15:18,435 --> 00:15:20,808 - LET'S GO." - [laughter] 397 00:15:20,841 --> 00:15:23,145 AND THEN I'M SUCH AN IDIOT THAT I WENT ON THE COFFEE DATE. 398 00:15:23,178 --> 00:15:25,149 IT WAS AT, LIKE, 4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON. 399 00:15:25,182 --> 00:15:27,320 AND I SHOWED UP TO GO-- LIKE, I WENT UP TO THE COUNTER 400 00:15:27,353 --> 00:15:29,692 TO PAY FOR MY COFFEE-- IT WAS LIKE $1.70 OR SOMETHING-- 401 00:15:29,725 --> 00:15:31,128 AND I GO TO PULL OUT MY WALLET. 402 00:15:31,161 --> 00:15:32,832 HE CUTS IN FRONT OF ME. HE GOES, 403 00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:35,403 "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO... 404 00:15:35,436 --> 00:15:37,808 - I GOT IT." - [laughter] 405 00:15:37,841 --> 00:15:40,280 OH, REALLY? ARE YOU GONNA GET SOME COINS FROM YOUR FRICKIN' JAR? 406 00:15:40,313 --> 00:15:42,250 IS THAT HOW YOU'RE...? 407 00:15:42,283 --> 00:15:43,954 WOMEN ARE CHEAPER THAN MEN, THOUGH. 408 00:15:43,987 --> 00:15:45,891 IT'S NOT EVEN THAT WE'RE CHEAP. 409 00:15:45,924 --> 00:15:48,296 WE JUST NEVER EXPECT TO PAY FOR ANYTHING, RIGHT? 410 00:15:48,329 --> 00:15:50,834 SO MUCH SO, WE HAVE MASTERED THE ART OF SOMETHING 411 00:15:50,867 --> 00:15:52,337 THAT I LIKE TO CALL THE "PUMP FAKE"... 412 00:15:52,370 --> 00:15:54,308 [laughter] 413 00:15:54,341 --> 00:15:56,445 WHICH IS WHEN THE BILL COMES TO THE TABLE, 414 00:15:56,478 --> 00:15:59,117 WE'LL JUST STICK OUR HAND IN OUR PURSE... 415 00:15:59,150 --> 00:16:04,194 [laughter, applause] 416 00:16:04,227 --> 00:16:07,033 JUST MOVE IT AROUND FOR AS LONG AS WE HAVE TO 417 00:16:07,066 --> 00:16:08,937 UNTIL YOU GUYS SIGN THE CHECK. 418 00:16:08,970 --> 00:16:10,406 WE'RE NOT GRABBING ANYTHING. 419 00:16:10,439 --> 00:16:12,310 WE'RE JUST SHUFFLING SHIT AROUND... 420 00:16:12,343 --> 00:16:15,350 JUST GETTING STABBED BY PENCILS. 421 00:16:15,383 --> 00:16:18,857 IF IT'S A SMALL PURSE, WE'LL JUST DO THAT. 422 00:16:18,890 --> 00:16:21,161 AND IF IT'S A CLUTCH, WE'LL JUST FINGER-BANG IT 423 00:16:21,194 --> 00:16:22,999 AS LONG AS WE HAVE TO. 424 00:16:23,032 --> 00:16:26,138 [laughter, applause] 425 00:16:26,171 --> 00:16:29,344 THAT'S WHEN YOU PUT A FINGER IN SOMEONE'S VAGINA. 426 00:16:29,377 --> 00:16:35,023 [laughter, cheers, applause] 427 00:16:35,056 --> 00:16:37,093 I ACTUALLY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S GOIN' ON ANYMORE. 428 00:16:37,126 --> 00:16:39,164 I DON'T KNOW IF THE GUY'S SUPPOSED TO PAY, 429 00:16:39,197 --> 00:16:41,168 IF THE GIRL'S SUPPOSED TO, IF YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SPLIT IT. 430 00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:43,105 I JUST GOT OUT OF A FOUR-YEAR RELATIONSHIP JUST RECENTLY. 431 00:16:43,138 --> 00:16:44,441 - (man) WOO! - YEAH, THANKS. 432 00:16:44,474 --> 00:16:46,078 YOU'RE HAPPY ABOUT THAT? 433 00:16:46,111 --> 00:16:47,815 - YEAH. - [laughter] 434 00:16:47,848 --> 00:16:49,184 I'M SINGLE. YOU WANNA DO THIS RIGHT NOW? 435 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:51,155 [laughter] 436 00:16:51,188 --> 00:16:53,125 THIS IS A WATER BRA. THIS IS FALSE ADVERTISING. 437 00:16:53,158 --> 00:16:54,829 BUT OTHERWISE... 438 00:16:54,862 --> 00:16:56,098 I'M LIKE, WHAT, ARE YOU A PEDOPHILE, 439 00:16:56,131 --> 00:16:58,302 - IS THAT IT? - [laughter] 440 00:16:58,335 --> 00:17:00,874 BUT, NO, I DID, I JUST GOT OUT OF A FOUR-YEAR RELATIONSHIP. 441 00:17:00,907 --> 00:17:03,045 IT WAS HARD, BECAUSE WHAT I LEARNED-- AFTER I GOT OUT 442 00:17:03,078 --> 00:17:05,049 OF THE FOUR-YEAR RELATIONSHIP, I LEARNED THAT WOMEN-- 443 00:17:05,082 --> 00:17:06,987 WE'RE NOT GIVEN THE SKILLS WE NEED TO SURVIVE 444 00:17:07,020 --> 00:17:08,624 IN THE WORLD WITHOUT A MAN. 445 00:17:08,657 --> 00:17:10,126 I LEARNED THIS, 'CAUSE RIGHT AFTER WE BROKE UP, 446 00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:11,896 I GOT A BRAND-NEW CAR. 447 00:17:11,929 --> 00:17:13,165 FOUR DAYS AFTER I GOT A BRAND-NEW CAR, 448 00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:15,003 I FILLED IT UP WITH DIESEL FUEL. 449 00:17:15,036 --> 00:17:16,372 (audience) OH! 450 00:17:16,405 --> 00:17:18,442 NOW, I ALWAYS LOVE THIS REACTION, 451 00:17:18,475 --> 00:17:20,179 'CAUSE ALL THE GUYS IN THE AUDIENCE ARE ALWAYS LIKE, 452 00:17:20,212 --> 00:17:22,450 "OH, GOD!" AND ALL THE GIRLS ARE JUST LIKE... 453 00:17:22,483 --> 00:17:25,023 - "SO?" - [laughter] 454 00:17:25,056 --> 00:17:27,193 LIKE, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT DIESEL FUEL WAS. 455 00:17:27,226 --> 00:17:29,464 I PULLED UP. THE REGULAR WAS OUT OF ORDER. THE SUPREME-- 456 00:17:29,497 --> 00:17:31,936 I WAS LIKE, "OH, I'LL JUST FILL IT UP WITH DIESEL FUEL." 457 00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:34,007 AND THERE WAS A GREEN BUTTON AND A-- 458 00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,312 I WAS LIKE, "OH, IT'S PROBABLY BETTER FOR THE ENVIRONMENT 459 00:17:36,345 --> 00:17:38,115 'CAUSE IT'S GREEN." 460 00:17:38,148 --> 00:17:40,019 AND THEN YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY WONDERING 461 00:17:40,052 --> 00:17:41,623 HOW I GOT THE NOZZLE TO FIT, BECAUSE A DIESEL NOZZLE 462 00:17:41,656 --> 00:17:43,192 DOESN'T EVEN FIT IN A REGULAR CAR. 463 00:17:43,225 --> 00:17:45,296 I JAMMED IT IN THERE. 464 00:17:45,329 --> 00:17:47,635 I WAS LIKE, "I'M SELF-SUFFICIENT, GODDAMMIT!-- UGH!" 465 00:17:47,668 --> 00:17:49,438 A MILE LATER, MY CAR WAS A BALL OF 466 00:17:49,471 --> 00:17:51,509 - FIRE... - [laughter] 467 00:17:51,542 --> 00:17:53,513 BUT WOMEN ARE NOT TAUGHT PRACTICAL INFORMATION LIKE THIS. 468 00:17:53,546 --> 00:17:55,350 WE'RE NOT TAUGHT TO LIVE IN REALITY. 469 00:17:55,383 --> 00:17:57,220 WE'RE TAUGHT TO LIVE IN OUR IMAGINATIONS, 470 00:17:57,253 --> 00:17:59,692 IN A FANTASY LAND, RIGHT? I REMEMBER-- IT'S TRUE. 471 00:17:59,725 --> 00:18:02,497 GROWING UP, I USED TO HAVE IMAGINARY TEA PARTIES. 472 00:18:02,531 --> 00:18:05,804 I WOULD PUT IMAGINARY TEA IN IMAGINARY CUPS AND DRINK 'EM 473 00:18:05,837 --> 00:18:09,545 WITH MY STUFFED ANIMALS, THAT'S FUCKING CRAZY! OKAY? 474 00:18:09,578 --> 00:18:11,649 LIKE, IN ANY OTHER UNIVERSE, THAT'S JUST SCHIZOPHRENIA, 475 00:18:11,682 --> 00:18:13,553 RIGHT? 476 00:18:13,586 --> 00:18:15,456 AND THE PROBLEM IS, IT CARRIES INTO ADULTHOOD. 477 00:18:15,489 --> 00:18:17,494 LIKE, GUYS, YOU EVER GET IN A FIGHT WITH YOUR GIRL, 478 00:18:17,528 --> 00:18:19,398 AND SHE'S MUCH MORE PISSED OFF AT YOU THAN SHE SHOULD BE? 479 00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:21,569 AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHOA, THAT ARGUMENT ESCALATED... 480 00:18:21,602 --> 00:18:23,205 REALLY...FAST." 481 00:18:23,238 --> 00:18:24,976 IT'S 'CAUSE FOR THE LAST WEEK, 482 00:18:25,009 --> 00:18:26,546 WE'VE BEEN HAVIN' A FIGHT WITH YOU IN OUR 483 00:18:26,579 --> 00:18:28,650 IMAGINATIONS... 484 00:18:28,683 --> 00:18:33,560 [laughter, cheers, applause] 485 00:18:33,593 --> 00:18:37,300 AND IN OUR HEAD, YOU SAID ALL THE WRONG SHIT. 486 00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:40,373 SO BY THE TIME WE SEE YOU IN PERSON, WE'RE LIKE, "OH, YEAH?! 487 00:18:40,406 --> 00:18:42,545 WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID LAST WEEK IN MY MIND!" 488 00:18:42,578 --> 00:18:45,249 [laughter, applause] 489 00:18:45,282 --> 00:18:47,420 I THINK THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS THAT WOMEN DO NOT LEARN, 490 00:18:47,453 --> 00:18:49,659 A LOT OF PRACTICAL INFORMATION. 491 00:18:49,692 --> 00:18:52,363 LIKE, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT A 401(k) WAS TILL LIKE A MONTH AGO. 492 00:18:52,396 --> 00:18:55,236 I THOUGHT IT WAS A MARATHON. I SWEAR TO GOD. 493 00:18:55,269 --> 00:18:58,209 I WAS LIKE, "WHY ARE MY FRIENDS RUNNING IN THIS MARATHON? 494 00:18:58,242 --> 00:18:59,645 "400 MILES? 495 00:18:59,678 --> 00:19:02,117 - FUCK THAT." - [laughter] 496 00:19:02,150 --> 00:19:04,555 AND THE THINGS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO PREPARE WOMEN FOR LIFE DON'T. 497 00:19:04,588 --> 00:19:06,626 LIKE, I WAS IN THE GIRL SCOUTS. 498 00:19:06,659 --> 00:19:08,997 THE GIRL SCOUTS DOES NOT TEACH YOU ANY SKILLS, RIGHT? 499 00:19:09,030 --> 00:19:11,468 THE GIRL SCOUTS BASICALLY TEACHES YOU TO SELL A BUNCH OF COOKIES 500 00:19:11,502 --> 00:19:13,707 THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN FRICKIN' MAKE, OKAY? 501 00:19:13,740 --> 00:19:15,476 LIKE, IF YOU'RE TO TAKE THE SKILLS YOU LEARNED IN THE GIRL SCOUTS 502 00:19:15,510 --> 00:19:17,380 AND APPLY THEM AS AN ADULT, 503 00:19:17,413 --> 00:19:19,585 YOU'RE SELLING THINGS TO STRANGERS IN A MINISKIRT. 504 00:19:19,618 --> 00:19:22,056 YOU'RE A HOOKER. THAT'S WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING. 505 00:19:22,089 --> 00:19:24,595 - THAT'S YOUR JOB NOW. - [laughter, applause] 506 00:19:24,628 --> 00:19:26,699 BUT GUYS LEARN REAL SKILLS. 507 00:19:26,732 --> 00:19:28,737 YOU GUYS GO TO THE EAGLE SCOUTS AND LEARN HOW TO, YOU KNOW, 508 00:19:28,770 --> 00:19:31,475 - MAKE ROPES AND-- EHH! - [laughter] 509 00:19:31,509 --> 00:19:33,680 YOU KNOW, MAKE FIRES AND STUFF. 510 00:19:33,713 --> 00:19:36,351 AND WOMEN DON'T LEARN THOSE KIND OF SURVIVAL SKILLS. 511 00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:38,523 I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH THAT PISSED ME OFF AFTER THAT HAPPENED TO ME, 512 00:19:38,556 --> 00:19:41,061 BUT THEN I KIND OF, LIKE, GOT PERSPECTIVE. 513 00:19:41,094 --> 00:19:43,065 I WAS LIKE, "GUYS MAY KNOW HOW TO MAKE ROPES AND FIRES AND STUFF, 514 00:19:43,098 --> 00:19:44,869 "BUT WOMEN, WE CAN MAKE... 515 00:19:44,902 --> 00:19:46,539 'PEOPLE.'" 516 00:19:46,572 --> 00:19:48,577 [laughter, applause] 517 00:19:48,610 --> 00:19:51,883 OKAY, THAT IS PRETTY BADASS, OKAY? 518 00:19:51,916 --> 00:19:54,321 GIVE ME THE BACKSEAT OF A TAURUS AND SOME "SUTTER HOME," 519 00:19:54,354 --> 00:19:55,891 I CAN DUPLICATE! 520 00:19:55,924 --> 00:19:58,261 [laughter, cheers, applause] 521 00:19:59,765 --> 00:20:01,401 AND GUESS WHAT... 522 00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:03,640 IT COMES OUT ON A FREAKIN' ROPE. 523 00:20:03,673 --> 00:20:06,579 [laughter, cheers, applause] 524 00:20:09,752 --> 00:20:12,157 IT'S HARD, THOUGH. GOING FROM A LONG RELATIONSHIP 525 00:20:12,190 --> 00:20:14,562 TO STARTING TO DATE AGAIN IS VERY DIFFICULT. 526 00:20:14,595 --> 00:20:16,599 'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP, YOU'RE COMFORTABLE, RIGHT? 527 00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:18,603 YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR ANY MAKEUP. 528 00:20:18,636 --> 00:20:20,439 YOU CAN JUST PEE IN FRONT OF THE PERSON OR WHATEVER. 529 00:20:20,472 --> 00:20:21,843 WHEN YOU'RE DATING SOMEBODY NEW, 530 00:20:21,876 --> 00:20:24,447 YOU HAVE TO TRY TO BE PERFECT. 531 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:26,586 LIKE, I'VE BEEN DATING A NEW GUY, AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE SO PERFECT. 532 00:20:26,619 --> 00:20:28,857 BASICALLY, THE FIRST, LIKE, THREE MONTHS OF ME DATING THIS GUY-- 533 00:20:28,890 --> 00:20:31,261 EVERY SECOND HAS BASICALLY BEEN ME... 534 00:20:31,294 --> 00:20:34,234 TRYING TO NOT FART. THAT'S ALL IT IS. 535 00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:36,271 EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. IT'S JUST LIKE, 536 00:20:36,304 --> 00:20:37,908 "PLEASE DON'T FART. PLEASE DON'T FART. PLEASE DON'T FART. 537 00:20:37,941 --> 00:20:39,879 PLEASE DON'T FART." 538 00:20:39,912 --> 00:20:41,415 MY ASS IS IN THE SHAPE OF ITS FUCKING LIFE. 539 00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:43,820 - THAT'S THE UPSIDE. - [laughter] 540 00:20:43,853 --> 00:20:46,258 BUT THE HARD PART IS THAT I'LL SOMETIMES STAY AT HIS HOUSE 541 00:20:46,291 --> 00:20:48,663 FOR A COUPLE DAYS AT A TIME AND I HAVE TO HOLD IT IN SO LONG 542 00:20:48,696 --> 00:20:50,868 THAT BY THE TIME I LEAVE, I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, 543 00:20:50,901 --> 00:20:53,272 SEE YOU LATER." [loud ongoing fart] 544 00:20:53,305 --> 00:20:54,842 SOMETIMES YOU CAN CATCH AIR AND LIKE, 545 00:20:54,875 --> 00:20:57,614 - [fart, fart] - [laughter, applause] 546 00:21:00,452 --> 00:21:02,023 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS TRYIN' TO BE PERFECT 547 00:21:02,056 --> 00:21:03,693 FOR THE NEW GUY, YOU KNOW? 548 00:21:03,726 --> 00:21:05,864 LIKE, WHEN I STAY AT THIS GUY'S HOUSE-- 549 00:21:05,897 --> 00:21:07,701 THE EXTENT TO WHICH I TRY TO BE PERFECT FOR THIS GUY-- 550 00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:10,841 I WILL WAKE UP AT 6:00 A.M. WHILE HE'S STILL ASLEEP, 551 00:21:10,874 --> 00:21:13,847 SNEAK INTO THE BATHROOM, PUT ON A FULL FACE OF MAKEUP, 552 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:16,719 SNEAK BACK INTO BED, SO BY THE TIME HE WAKES UP, 553 00:21:16,752 --> 00:21:19,024 I LOOK LIKE LADY GAGA OR SOMETHING, WHICH IS SO RIDICULOUS. 554 00:21:19,057 --> 00:21:21,763 WOMEN, WE DO NOT NEED TO LOOK CUTE IN THE MORNING 555 00:21:21,796 --> 00:21:23,967 FOR OUR MAN-- WE DON'T NEED IT, 556 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:27,040 BECAUSE GUYS, BEFORE YOUR EYES EVEN OPEN IN THE MORNING, 557 00:21:27,073 --> 00:21:29,712 - YOU GUYS HAVE ERECTIONS. - [laughter, applause] 558 00:21:29,745 --> 00:21:31,749 YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S LYING NEXT TO YOU, 559 00:21:31,782 --> 00:21:33,553 AND YOU'RE JUST READY TO... 560 00:21:33,586 --> 00:21:35,591 HAVE SEX WITH IT, REALLY? YOU ARE HEATHENS. 561 00:21:35,624 --> 00:21:37,595 YOU GUYS LITERALLY WAKE UP IN THE MORNING. 562 00:21:37,628 --> 00:21:39,865 YOU'RE LIKE, "[snorting, exhales]-- WHERE'S A HOLE? 563 00:21:39,898 --> 00:21:42,504 - GIVE ME A HOLE." - [laughter, applause] 564 00:21:42,537 --> 00:21:44,007 IT IS BARBARIC. 565 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:46,746 [laughter continues] 566 00:21:46,779 --> 00:21:49,017 BUT I DO NOT LIKE MORNING SEX. I DO NOT LIKE MORNING SEX. 567 00:21:49,050 --> 00:21:50,888 SO WHAT I STARTED DOING 568 00:21:50,921 --> 00:21:53,392 IS I'LL CUT A HOLE IN A CANTALOUPE... 569 00:21:53,425 --> 00:21:56,465 [laughter, groans, applause] 570 00:21:56,498 --> 00:21:58,536 PUT IT IN THE MICROWAVE FOR A MINUTE... 571 00:21:58,569 --> 00:22:00,574 [laughter, groans] 572 00:22:00,607 --> 00:22:03,813 PUT A WIG ON IT, LEAVE IT IN THE BED, 573 00:22:03,846 --> 00:22:06,485 - AND BOUNCE. - [laughter, applause] 574 00:22:06,519 --> 00:22:08,088 IT'S HARD, 'CAUSE NOW I'M DATING, 575 00:22:08,121 --> 00:22:09,959 AND A LOT OF MY FRIENDS ARE SETTLING DOWN. 576 00:22:09,992 --> 00:22:12,397 A LOT OF MY FRIENDS ARE GETTING MARRIED RIGHT NOW, 577 00:22:12,430 --> 00:22:13,934 WHICH IS SO ANNOYING, 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE GUYS ALWAYS HAVE EXCUSES 578 00:22:13,967 --> 00:22:15,771 WHY THEY DON'T WANNA GET MARRIED WITH ME. 579 00:22:15,804 --> 00:22:17,942 ALL THESE EXCUSES-- LIKE, ONE OF MY FAVORITES IS, 580 00:22:17,975 --> 00:22:20,747 "WE DON'T HAVE TO GET MARRIED. IT'S JUST A PIECE OF PAPER." 581 00:22:20,780 --> 00:22:23,052 WHICH IS NOT TRUE. MARRIAGE IS NOT JUST A PIECE OF PAPER. 582 00:22:23,085 --> 00:22:25,022 IT'S ABOUT MORE THAN THAT, OKAY? IT'S ABOUT... 583 00:22:25,055 --> 00:22:26,960 - A DIAMOND. - [laughter] 584 00:22:26,993 --> 00:22:28,897 YOU THINK IN THE HISTORY OF TIME 585 00:22:28,930 --> 00:22:30,901 ANY WOMAN WAS EVER LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS, 586 00:22:30,934 --> 00:22:32,470 LOOK AT MY PIECE OF PAPER!" 587 00:22:32,504 --> 00:22:34,474 [high-pitch scream] 588 00:22:34,508 --> 00:22:36,478 - DON'T BE STUPID. - [laughter] 589 00:22:36,512 --> 00:22:38,482 YOU CAN'T PUT A PIECE OF PAPER ON eBAY WHEN WE BREAK UP. 590 00:22:38,516 --> 00:22:39,819 THAT'S NOT HELPFUL TO ME. 591 00:22:39,852 --> 00:22:41,889 [laughter] 592 00:22:41,922 --> 00:22:44,494 MY OTHER FAVORITE EXCUSE THAT I'VE HEARD BEFORE IS, 593 00:22:44,528 --> 00:22:45,931 "YEAH, WE SHOULDN'T GET MARRIED. 594 00:22:45,964 --> 00:22:47,968 MONOGAMY IS JUST NOT NATURAL." 595 00:22:48,001 --> 00:22:49,605 YEAH, NEITHER ARE FAKE TITS, BUT YOU GUYS 596 00:22:49,638 --> 00:22:50,974 FRICKIN' LOVE THOSE! 597 00:22:51,007 --> 00:22:53,880 [laughter, applause] 598 00:22:53,913 --> 00:22:56,653 I HAVE FRIENDS GETTING MARRIED, SO NOW I GO TO ALL THESE EVENTS. 599 00:22:56,686 --> 00:22:59,457 LIKE, I RECENTLY HAD TO GO TO A BRIDAL SHOWER FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. 600 00:22:59,490 --> 00:23:01,963 NOBODY TOLD ME YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BRING SEX TOYS. 601 00:23:01,996 --> 00:23:04,167 I SHOWED UP WITH A TEAPOT, LIKE AN ASSHOLE. 602 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:06,271 [laughter] 603 00:23:06,304 --> 00:23:08,743 AND SEX TOYS HAVE GOTTEN CRAZY. THERE WAS ONE-- 604 00:23:08,776 --> 00:23:12,050 IT WAS A VIBRATOR THAT HAD FEATHERS? 605 00:23:12,083 --> 00:23:14,655 ON THERE, I WAS LIKE, "IS THAT IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN SO LONG, 606 00:23:14,688 --> 00:23:16,058 "YOU CAN JUST DUST IT OFF... 607 00:23:16,091 --> 00:23:17,761 [laughter] 608 00:23:17,794 --> 00:23:19,899 AND GET BUSY?" 609 00:23:19,932 --> 00:23:21,736 AND THEN I RECENTLY GOT TO GO TO A BACHELORETTE PARTY, 610 00:23:21,769 --> 00:23:23,138 WHICH THOSE ARE ACTUALLY KIND OF FUN. 611 00:23:23,171 --> 00:23:24,942 WE WENT TO A MALE STRIP CLUB, 612 00:23:24,975 --> 00:23:27,046 AND THE THING THAT CRACKS ME UP ABOUT MALE STRIPPERS 613 00:23:27,079 --> 00:23:29,885 IS THEY'RE ALWAYS IN, LIKE, POLICEMEN'S UNIFORMS, 614 00:23:29,918 --> 00:23:31,923 RIGHT, AND LIKE FIREMEN'S UNIFORMS. 615 00:23:31,956 --> 00:23:34,795 - YOU KNOW - [laughter] 616 00:23:34,828 --> 00:23:38,002 [whistles, cheers, applause] 617 00:23:38,035 --> 00:23:40,941 MALE STRIPPERS ARE ALWAYS IN POLICEMEN'S UNIFORMS, FIREMEN'S, 618 00:23:40,974 --> 00:23:43,646 'CAUSE THEY SAY THAT WOMEN LIKE A "MAN IN UNIFORM." 619 00:23:43,679 --> 00:23:46,118 IT'S NOT ABOUT "THE UNIFORM," OKAY? 620 00:23:46,151 --> 00:23:48,690 WE LIKE MEN "WITH JOBS." 621 00:23:48,723 --> 00:23:49,992 [laughter, cheers, applause] 622 00:23:50,025 --> 00:23:52,931 [chuckles] 623 00:23:52,964 --> 00:23:56,673 YOU WILL NEVER SEE A MALE STRIPPER COME OUT WITH PAJAMA PANTS ON... 624 00:23:56,706 --> 00:23:58,843 HOLDING A VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER AND A POP-TART. 625 00:23:58,876 --> 00:24:01,081 [laughter, applause] 626 00:24:01,114 --> 00:24:03,085 AND I HAVE TO GO TO WEDDINGS ALL THE TIME. 627 00:24:03,118 --> 00:24:05,657 AND I THINK THE CRAZIEST PART ABOUT GOING TO WEDDINGS IS LIKE, 628 00:24:05,690 --> 00:24:06,993 THE CATCHING OF THE BOUQUET THING, 629 00:24:07,026 --> 00:24:08,930 'CAUSE WOMEN GET PSYCHO ABOUT-- 630 00:24:08,963 --> 00:24:10,767 I WENT IN THERE ONCE TO TRY TO CATCH THE BOUQUET, 631 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:12,838 - I GOT SHANKED. - [laughter, applause] 632 00:24:12,871 --> 00:24:14,809 'CAUSE WHEN THEY SAY IS THAT IF YOU CATCH THE BOUQUET 633 00:24:14,842 --> 00:24:17,146 THAT MEANS YOU'RE GONNA BE THE NEXT WOMAN TO GET MARRIED. 634 00:24:17,179 --> 00:24:19,184 NA-AH, CATCH THE BOUQUET, SEE IF ONE GUY TALKS TO YOU 635 00:24:19,217 --> 00:24:20,754 FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT. 636 00:24:20,787 --> 00:24:22,925 [laughter] 637 00:24:22,958 --> 00:24:25,029 I HAVE FRIENDS GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING BABIES NOW, TOO, 638 00:24:25,062 --> 00:24:26,933 LIKE, ON PURPOSE. 639 00:24:26,966 --> 00:24:30,172 - I KNOW. - [laughter] 640 00:24:30,205 --> 00:24:33,145 I FEEL LIKE WOMEN, AFTER THEY GIVE BIRTH, THEY JUST GO INSANE. 641 00:24:33,178 --> 00:24:35,684 LIKE, I HAD A FRIEND OF MINE WHO HAD A BABY SIX MONTHS AGO, 642 00:24:35,717 --> 00:24:37,086 AND SHE CALLS ME UP, AND SHE'S LIKE, 643 00:24:37,119 --> 00:24:38,823 "DO YOU WANNA COME OVER 644 00:24:38,856 --> 00:24:40,827 AND WATCH MY BIRTH VIDEO?" 645 00:24:40,860 --> 00:24:42,096 (man) HAH-HAH-HAH! 646 00:24:42,129 --> 00:24:44,134 I WAS LIKE, UH... 647 00:24:44,167 --> 00:24:46,037 [laughter, applause] 648 00:24:46,070 --> 00:24:48,877 I WAS LIKE, "HELL, YEAH, I DO." 649 00:24:48,910 --> 00:24:51,047 YOU GUYS, I WENT OVER THERE. 650 00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:53,185 IT WAS THE BIGGEST COOTER I'VE EVER SEEN... 651 00:24:53,218 --> 00:24:54,855 [laughter, applause] 652 00:24:54,888 --> 00:24:56,191 BUT LIKE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, 653 00:24:56,224 --> 00:24:57,795 LIKE SHAKY-CAM COOTER. 654 00:24:57,828 --> 00:24:59,799 [laughter] 655 00:24:59,832 --> 00:25:02,103 IT LOOKED LIKE PORN FROM DOWNTOWN BAGHDAD, OKAY? 656 00:25:02,136 --> 00:25:03,740 [laughter continues] 657 00:25:03,773 --> 00:25:05,176 AND DID YOU GUYS KNOW THIS? 658 00:25:05,209 --> 00:25:07,080 AFTER THE BABY COMES OUT OF THERE, 659 00:25:07,113 --> 00:25:09,317 A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER SHIT COMES OUT, YOU GUYS. 660 00:25:09,350 --> 00:25:10,987 A JELLYFISH FLEW BY. 661 00:25:11,020 --> 00:25:13,125 [laughter, applause] 662 00:25:13,158 --> 00:25:15,029 A TRAMPOLINE CAME OUT OF THERE. 663 00:25:15,062 --> 00:25:18,937 I SWEAR TO GOD, JAMIROQUAI CAME OUT OF HER THING, GUYS. 664 00:25:18,970 --> 00:25:21,007 IT WAS LIKE CRAIGSLIST EXPLODED. 665 00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:23,880 I WAS LIKE, "I WANNA GIVE BIRTH JUST SO I CAN FIND MY CAR KEYS." 666 00:25:23,913 --> 00:25:25,851 - LIKE, WHAT...? - [laughter, applause] 667 00:25:25,884 --> 00:25:27,988 I THINK ALL OF THAT STUFF-- BABIES AND MARRIAGE-- 668 00:25:28,021 --> 00:25:30,025 I THINK THAT ALL THAT'S ABOUT ROMANCE. 669 00:25:30,058 --> 00:25:31,996 I THINK US WOMEN, WE ARE OBSESSED WITH ROMANCE, RIGHT, 670 00:25:32,029 --> 00:25:33,633 AND I THINK WE GET BRAINWASHED FROM ROMANTIC MOVIES. 671 00:25:33,666 --> 00:25:36,104 I THINK THAT IS WHERE IT COMES FROM. LIKE, I RECENTLY SAW, UM, 672 00:25:36,137 --> 00:25:37,941 THESE MOVIES CALLED TWILIGHT. 673 00:25:37,974 --> 00:25:39,812 - HAVE WE SEEN THIS MOVIE? - (male) WOO! 674 00:25:39,845 --> 00:25:41,783 RANDOM YELLING GUY? YEAH, YOU'VE SEEN IT. 675 00:25:41,816 --> 00:25:43,920 I KNOW YOU HAVE, FOR SURE. 676 00:25:43,953 --> 00:25:45,924 BUT I RECENTLY SAW THESE MOVIES TWILIGHT. 677 00:25:45,957 --> 00:25:47,795 THEY ARE SO ROMANTIC. 678 00:25:47,828 --> 00:25:48,997 THIS VAMPIRE'S MADLY IN LOVE WITH THIS GIRL, 679 00:25:49,030 --> 00:25:51,034 AND THEY'RE SO OBSESSED WITH EACH OTHER. 680 00:25:51,067 --> 00:25:53,005 THEY BRAINWASH YOU. I WENT INTO THIS MOVIE. 681 00:25:53,038 --> 00:25:54,708 I WAS LIKE, "OH, SOME MOVIE ABOUT HIGH SCHOOLERS." 682 00:25:54,741 --> 00:25:56,144 I CAME OUT OF IT, I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, 683 00:25:56,177 --> 00:25:57,981 I HAVE TO MARRY A VAMPIRE. OH, MY GOD." 684 00:25:58,014 --> 00:26:00,019 - [laughter] - IT MAKES YOU OBSESSED. 685 00:26:00,052 --> 00:26:01,989 GUYS, DON'T LET YOUR GIRLFRIENDS SEE THIS MOVIE. 686 00:26:02,022 --> 00:26:04,728 SHE WILL LEAVE YOUR ASS, OKAY? 687 00:26:04,761 --> 00:26:06,833 AFTER I SAW THE MOVIE, I WOULDN'T TALK TO THE GUY I WAS DATING 688 00:26:06,866 --> 00:26:08,235 FOR, LIKE, FIVE DAYS. FINALLY, HE WAS LIKE, 689 00:26:08,268 --> 00:26:10,139 "BABE, WHAT'S WRONG?" I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW. 690 00:26:10,172 --> 00:26:11,041 "I KINDA NEED TO DATE SOMEONE WHO CAN... 691 00:26:11,074 --> 00:26:13,212 - 'FLY.'" - [laughter] 692 00:26:13,245 --> 00:26:15,216 BUT THIS MOVIE-- I THINK IT PROVES THAT WOMEN HAVE, LIKE, 693 00:26:15,249 --> 00:26:17,053 A BAD-BOY COMPLEX, 'CAUSE THE VAMPIRE 694 00:26:17,086 --> 00:26:19,123 SAYS TO THE GIRL IN THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE-- 695 00:26:19,156 --> 00:26:21,061 HE'S LIKE, "I WANNA KILL YOU. 696 00:26:21,094 --> 00:26:23,065 I WANNA SUCK YOUR BLOOD." 697 00:26:23,098 --> 00:26:25,871 SHE'S LIKE, [innocent voice] "IT'S OKAY. I TRUST YOU." 698 00:26:25,904 --> 00:26:28,175 [laughter] 699 00:26:28,208 --> 00:26:30,045 AND THEN HE ADMITS 700 00:26:30,078 --> 00:26:32,918 THAT HE'S KILLED PEOPLE BEFORE, AND SHE'S FINE WITH IT, 701 00:26:32,951 --> 00:26:35,857 WHICH, ACTUALLY, I'M SUCH A JEALOUS GIRLFRIEND THAT IF MY VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND 702 00:26:35,890 --> 00:26:39,030 TOLD ME HE HAD KILLED PEOPLE, I'D BE LIKE, "WHO WAS SHE? 703 00:26:39,063 --> 00:26:41,969 IS SHE PRETTIER THAN ME, IS THAT IT?" 704 00:26:42,002 --> 00:26:44,975 - YEAH. - [cheers, whistles, applause] 705 00:26:45,008 --> 00:26:47,480 I JUST WANT TO DATE A VAMPIRE. I THINK THAT WOULD BE SO BADASS. 706 00:26:47,514 --> 00:26:49,184 LIKE, DATING A VAMPIRE 707 00:26:49,217 --> 00:26:51,221 WILL LITERALLY SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS, RIGHT? 708 00:26:51,254 --> 00:26:53,860 LIKE IF, IF YOU'RE DATING A VAMPIRE, 709 00:26:53,893 --> 00:26:55,964 YOU WOULD ALWAYS HAVE THE UPPER HAND. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 710 00:26:55,997 --> 00:26:58,068 LIKE, YOU'D BE DRIVING ALONG WITH YOUR VAMPIRE, 711 00:26:58,101 --> 00:27:00,005 AND HE'D BE LIKE, "I'M THINKING ABOUT SEEING OTHER PEOPLE." 712 00:27:00,038 --> 00:27:01,241 YOU'D BE LIKE, "OH, REALLY, 'CAUSE I'M THINKING ABOUT 713 00:27:01,274 --> 00:27:04,080 - "PUTTING THE SUNROOF DOWN... - [laughter] 714 00:27:04,113 --> 00:27:06,384 - "BITCH. - [laughter continues] 715 00:27:06,417 --> 00:27:09,157 DON'T MAKE ME GO TO GNC AND GET SOME GARLIQUE." 716 00:27:09,190 --> 00:27:12,096 [laughter] 717 00:27:12,129 --> 00:27:15,102 BUT THE PROBLEM WITH VAMPIRES IS THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE 20, 718 00:27:15,135 --> 00:27:17,039 BUT THEY'RE ACTUALLY, LIKE, 100 YEARS OLD. 719 00:27:17,072 --> 00:27:19,077 SO YOU'D BE DATING THIS HOT YOUNG GUY 720 00:27:19,110 --> 00:27:20,914 WHO, LIKE, GREW UP IN THE GREAT DEPRESSION 721 00:27:20,947 --> 00:27:22,183 AND, LIKE, HATES IRISH PEOPLE. 722 00:27:22,216 --> 00:27:24,354 [laughter] 723 00:27:24,387 --> 00:27:26,959 AND THEN, LIKE, YOU TAKE HIM OUT TO A NIGHTCLUB, 724 00:27:26,992 --> 00:27:28,830 AND HE'D BE, LIKE, DOING THE CHARLESTON. 725 00:27:28,863 --> 00:27:31,201 [laughter, applause] 726 00:27:31,234 --> 00:27:33,005 OR, LIKE, YOU THINK HE'S CHEATING ON YOU, 727 00:27:33,038 --> 00:27:34,875 SO YOU GO THROUGH HIS JOURNAL. 728 00:27:34,908 --> 00:27:36,211 YOU'RE LIKE, "WHO THE HELL IS THIS SLUT, HUH? 729 00:27:36,244 --> 00:27:38,983 HARRIET TUBMAN? WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?!" 730 00:27:39,016 --> 00:27:40,386 YOU GUYS NEED TO BRUSH UP ON YOUR BLACK HISTORY, 731 00:27:40,419 --> 00:27:42,189 - JUST... - [laughter] 732 00:27:42,222 --> 00:27:43,593 JUST THAT AREA. 733 00:27:43,626 --> 00:27:46,031 [laughter] 734 00:27:46,064 --> 00:27:48,168 WOMEN GET OBSESSED WITH ROMANCE. 735 00:27:48,201 --> 00:27:50,072 I THINK IT ALSO COMES FROM THE NICKNAMES WE GET GROWING UP. 736 00:27:50,105 --> 00:27:52,310 WITH MY DAD GROWING UP, CALLED ME "PRINCESS," RIGHT? 737 00:27:52,343 --> 00:27:55,215 PRINCESS-- HE DRILLED IT INTO MY HEAD AS A KID THAT I'M A FRICKIN' PRINCESS. 738 00:27:55,248 --> 00:27:57,053 AND THEN I GREW UP, AND I GOT TO THE REAL WORLD, 739 00:27:57,086 --> 00:27:59,257 AND I REALIZED THAT NO ONE ELSE WAS ON BOARD... 740 00:27:59,290 --> 00:28:01,061 [laughter] 741 00:28:01,094 --> 00:28:03,065 WITH THE WHOLE PRINCESS THING, RIGHT? 742 00:28:03,098 --> 00:28:05,402 PRINCESSES DON'T LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY AT LOLLAPALOOZA. 743 00:28:05,435 --> 00:28:07,173 THAT'S JUST NOT... 744 00:28:07,206 --> 00:28:10,412 [laughter, cheers, applause] 745 00:28:10,445 --> 00:28:12,216 I THINK WE NEED TO START CALLING KIDS THINGS 746 00:28:12,249 --> 00:28:14,087 TO PREPARE THEM FOR REAL LIFE. 747 00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:16,024 YOU KNOW, "GET IN THE CAR, REHAB. LET'S GO." 748 00:28:16,057 --> 00:28:18,095 [laughter] 749 00:28:18,128 --> 00:28:20,667 WOMEN GET CALLED THINGS THAT MAKE 'EM OBSESSED WITH ROMANCE. 750 00:28:20,700 --> 00:28:22,203 GUYS GET CALLED THINGS THAT MAKE 'EM OBSESSED WITH SPORTS. 751 00:28:22,236 --> 00:28:25,009 YOU GUYS GET CALLED, LIKE, "CHAMP"... 752 00:28:25,042 --> 00:28:27,179 - EHH. - [laughter] 753 00:28:27,212 --> 00:28:29,250 "SPORT." YOU GUYS ARE SO OBSESSED WITH SPORTS, 754 00:28:29,283 --> 00:28:32,189 YOU GUYS CAN'T EVEN REFER TO INCREMENTS OF A RELATIONSHIP 755 00:28:32,222 --> 00:28:33,425 WITHOUT REFERRING TO SPORTS, RIGHT? 756 00:28:33,458 --> 00:28:35,062 "FIRST BASE." 757 00:28:35,095 --> 00:28:37,400 "WE GOT TO SECOND BASE." 758 00:28:37,433 --> 00:28:39,170 LIKE, YOU DON'T SEE WOMEN RUNNING AROUND REFERRING TO INCREMENTS 759 00:28:39,203 --> 00:28:41,107 OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS THROUGH THINGS WE LIKE. 760 00:28:41,140 --> 00:28:42,711 IT'S NOT LIKE, "LAST NIGHT, ME AND MARK... 761 00:28:42,744 --> 00:28:44,113 UGH! CHANEL PURSE." 762 00:28:44,146 --> 00:28:46,217 [laughter, applause] 763 00:28:49,323 --> 00:28:52,263 YOU GUYS ARE SO OBSESSED WITH SPORTS 764 00:28:52,296 --> 00:28:55,135 THAT YOU GUYS WILL WEAR JERSEYS 765 00:28:55,168 --> 00:28:57,708 FOR TEAMS THAT YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON... 766 00:28:57,741 --> 00:28:59,277 [laughter] 767 00:28:59,310 --> 00:29:02,116 BUT YOU THINK YOU'RE ON THE TEAM. 768 00:29:02,149 --> 00:29:03,452 YOU'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH, LAST NIGHT I GUESS 769 00:29:03,485 --> 00:29:05,222 " WE JUST DIDN'T SCORE ENOUGH. 770 00:29:05,255 --> 00:29:07,193 [laughter] 771 00:29:07,226 --> 00:29:09,197 LAST NIGHT I GUESS WE JUST DIDN'T PLAY ENOUGH DEFENSE." 772 00:29:09,230 --> 00:29:11,167 - "'WE'? - [laughter] 773 00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:13,238 "THE REDSKINS DON'T NEED 'YOU.' 774 00:29:13,271 --> 00:29:15,275 [laughter] 775 00:29:15,308 --> 00:29:17,514 "OKAY, THAT'S LIKE ME WATCHING GREY'S ANATOMY 776 00:29:17,547 --> 00:29:20,219 IN SCRUBS." 777 00:29:20,252 --> 00:29:22,289 [laughter] 778 00:29:22,322 --> 00:29:24,227 [whistles] 779 00:29:24,260 --> 00:29:28,101 [cheers, applause] 780 00:29:28,134 --> 00:29:31,041 BUT THEN AFTER THE SHOW IS OVER, I'D BE LIKE, 781 00:29:31,074 --> 00:29:32,209 "OH, GOD, WE JUST COULD NOT SAVE THAT GUY. 782 00:29:32,242 --> 00:29:34,080 I DON'T KNOW." 783 00:29:34,113 --> 00:29:37,453 [laughter] 784 00:29:37,486 --> 00:29:39,357 YOU GUYS LOVE SPORTS SO MUCH, 785 00:29:39,390 --> 00:29:41,428 YOU GUYS CAN'T EVEN THROW YOUR TRASH 786 00:29:41,461 --> 00:29:43,298 INTO THE GARBAGE NORMALLY. 787 00:29:43,331 --> 00:29:46,137 [laughter] 788 00:29:46,170 --> 00:29:49,243 YOU GUYS HAVE TO SHOOT YOUR GARBAGE ACROSS THE ROOM 789 00:29:49,276 --> 00:29:51,448 LIKE IT'S AN NBA BASKETBALL GAME. 790 00:29:51,481 --> 00:29:54,287 LIKE, YOU DON'T SEE WOMEN LIVING OUT OUR DREAMS WITH OUR TRASH. 791 00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:56,291 I DON'T TAKE, LIKE, A USED GUM WRAPPER, 792 00:29:56,324 --> 00:29:58,095 PUT IT AROUND MY RING FINGER AND BE LIKE... 793 00:29:58,128 --> 00:30:00,265 [laughter, applause] 794 00:30:00,298 --> 00:30:02,303 "BRAD PITT AND I ARE THINKING ABOUT THE FALL, 795 00:30:02,336 --> 00:30:04,240 - SO..." - [laughter] 796 00:30:04,273 --> 00:30:07,179 YOU GUYS LOVE SPORTS SO MUCH THAT YOU GUYS-- 797 00:30:07,212 --> 00:30:09,384 I FEEL LIKE YOU GUYS DO THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER NORMALLY DO, 798 00:30:09,417 --> 00:30:11,789 JUST 'CAUSE THEY HAVE SPORTS TERMS ASSOCIATED WITH THEM. 799 00:30:11,822 --> 00:30:13,425 LIKE, I HAVE A FEELING 800 00:30:13,458 --> 00:30:15,129 THE ONLY REASON YOU GUYS LIKE BEING SINGLE 801 00:30:15,162 --> 00:30:17,433 IS 'CAUSE IT'S CALLED "PLAYING THE FIELD," 802 00:30:17,466 --> 00:30:19,270 'CAUSE YOU GUYS HAVE CONVINCED YOURSELVES THAT YOU'RE OUT THERE-- 803 00:30:19,303 --> 00:30:21,274 LIKE, "I'M SHOOTIN' AND SCORIN' WITH THESE CHICKS. 804 00:30:21,307 --> 00:30:23,111 "I'M SHOOTIN' AND SCORIN'. UH, I'M SUCH A... 805 00:30:23,144 --> 00:30:25,249 I'M PLAYING THE FIELD. I'M SO GREAT." 806 00:30:25,282 --> 00:30:27,253 NO, YOU'RE HOME ALONE JERKING OFF TO PORN ON YOUR COUCH. 807 00:30:27,286 --> 00:30:28,656 THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING. 808 00:30:28,689 --> 00:30:30,492 [laughter, applause] 809 00:30:30,526 --> 00:30:32,296 WHICH, I DON'T LIKE PORN. 810 00:30:32,329 --> 00:30:34,333 I DO NOT LIKE PORN BECAUSE... 811 00:30:34,366 --> 00:30:36,137 - [clapping] - YOU LOVE PORN? 812 00:30:36,170 --> 00:30:37,574 WHAT DO WE LIKE GOIN' ON?" 813 00:30:37,607 --> 00:30:39,110 WHAT DO WE HAVE GOIN' ON UP THERE? 814 00:30:39,143 --> 00:30:40,613 YAY PORN OR NO PORN? 815 00:30:40,646 --> 00:30:42,483 - (male) YAY PORN! - YAY PORN. 816 00:30:42,517 --> 00:30:44,655 - [cheers, applause] - OH, GOOD, I LIKE YOU GUYS. 817 00:30:44,688 --> 00:30:48,128 D.C., DO YOU GUYS HAVE, LIKE, POLITICAL PORN, LIKE, KINDA... 818 00:30:48,161 --> 00:30:50,633 LIKE, "OH, LOOK. IT'S FUCKIN'..." 819 00:30:50,666 --> 00:30:52,571 UH, I DON'T KNOW ANY POLITICIANS. 820 00:30:52,604 --> 00:30:54,541 - UH... - [laughter, applause] 821 00:30:54,574 --> 00:30:56,578 [cheers, applause] 822 00:30:59,183 --> 00:31:02,123 I LITERALLY-- THE FIRST THING THAT CAME TO MIND WAS ART MONK 823 00:31:02,156 --> 00:31:04,260 - WHO WAS NOT... - (male) YEAH! 824 00:31:04,293 --> 00:31:06,732 YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER THIS. 825 00:31:06,765 --> 00:31:08,168 UM, HE WAS NOT A POLITICIAN. 826 00:31:08,201 --> 00:31:09,605 [laughter] 827 00:31:09,638 --> 00:31:11,307 TEN-YEAR-OLD IN THE FRONT. OKAY. 828 00:31:11,340 --> 00:31:13,378 [laughter] 829 00:31:13,411 --> 00:31:15,449 I DON'T LIKE PORN, BECAUSE PORN MAKES YOU REALIZE 830 00:31:15,482 --> 00:31:18,288 ALL THE THINGS YOU'RE NOT DOING RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 831 00:31:18,321 --> 00:31:20,259 EVERY TIME I WATCH PORN, 832 00:31:20,292 --> 00:31:22,296 LIKE, I'M REMINDED OF ALL THE THINGS I'M NOT DOING. 833 00:31:22,329 --> 00:31:23,498 I SAW PORN RECENTLY. 834 00:31:23,532 --> 00:31:26,271 I SAW THAT WOMEN ARE SHAVING BALD. 835 00:31:26,304 --> 00:31:29,277 THEIR PUBES BALD. ARE WE DOIN' THIS, D.C.? 836 00:31:29,310 --> 00:31:31,347 - [woman cheering] - OKAY, I LIKE THIS. 837 00:31:31,380 --> 00:31:33,318 WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T. IT GETS WAY TOO COLD HERE IN THE WINTER. 838 00:31:33,351 --> 00:31:34,788 DON'T SHAVE IT. YOU'RE 10. 839 00:31:34,821 --> 00:31:36,357 - DON'T. - [laughter] 840 00:31:36,390 --> 00:31:38,161 DON'T YOU LOOK AT HER. 841 00:31:38,194 --> 00:31:40,132 JUST 'CAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE BOY. 842 00:31:40,165 --> 00:31:42,269 - DON'T YOU DARE. - [oh's, cheers, applause] 843 00:31:44,139 --> 00:31:46,311 I DON'T GET THE SHAVING YOUR JUNK. 844 00:31:46,344 --> 00:31:48,649 'CAUSE I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. LIKE, WOMEN ARE DOING THAT NOW." 845 00:31:48,682 --> 00:31:51,254 SO I WENT TO GO SHAVE. I GOT RAZOR BURN. 846 00:31:51,287 --> 00:31:53,626 I LOOKED LIKE I HAD HERPES FOR TWO WEEKS, OKAY? 847 00:31:53,659 --> 00:31:56,397 - THAT'S NOT CUTE. - [laughter] 848 00:31:56,430 --> 00:31:58,335 GUYS ARE INTO THAT NOW. 849 00:31:58,368 --> 00:32:00,005 YOU GUYS WANT WOMEN TO LOOK LIKE LITTLE GIRLS, 850 00:32:00,038 --> 00:32:01,474 WHICH IS NOT-- MY WHOLE THING IS 851 00:32:01,508 --> 00:32:03,579 YOU WANT TO DO A LITTLE-GIRL FANTASY? 852 00:32:03,612 --> 00:32:05,415 LIKE, I ALREADY CRY AND THROW TANTRUMS EVERY FUCKING DAY-- 853 00:32:05,448 --> 00:32:06,852 WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? 854 00:32:06,885 --> 00:32:08,488 YOU WANT ME TO PEE ON YOUR COUCH? 855 00:32:08,522 --> 00:32:11,027 - I CAN DO THAT. - [laughter] 856 00:32:11,060 --> 00:32:12,329 LIKE, YOU WANT TO DO A LITTLE-GIRL FANTASY? HOW 'BOUT YOU PAY ME 857 00:32:12,362 --> 00:32:14,668 AN ALLOWANCE? LET'S START THERE. 858 00:32:14,701 --> 00:32:17,574 HOW ABOUT YOU PACK ME A LUNCH? I LIKE THIS IDEA. YES. 859 00:32:17,607 --> 00:32:20,012 [laughter] 860 00:32:20,045 --> 00:32:21,649 I DON'T LIKE PORN, BECAUSE I THINK IT SETS THE BAR TOO HIGH. 861 00:32:21,682 --> 00:32:23,753 LIKE, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO COMPETE WITH PORN. 862 00:32:23,786 --> 00:32:26,424 LIKE, I FEEL LIKE WOMEN IN PORN ARE ALWAYS YELLING SO LOUD, 863 00:32:26,457 --> 00:32:28,428 WHICH I GUESS YOU GUYS THINK THAT'S SEXY. 864 00:32:28,461 --> 00:32:30,767 I'M NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL. I'M VERY QUIET IN THE BEDROOM. 865 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:33,271 I LIKE TO KEEP A VERY LOW PROFILE IN THERE. 866 00:32:33,304 --> 00:32:35,175 [laughter] 867 00:32:35,208 --> 00:32:37,479 I WILL OCCASIONALLY WHISPER ENCOURAGING THINGS. 868 00:32:37,513 --> 00:32:39,183 [laughter] 869 00:32:39,216 --> 00:32:40,520 YOU KNOW, I'LL BE LIKE, 870 00:32:40,553 --> 00:32:42,356 "GOOD JOB. 871 00:32:42,389 --> 00:32:46,197 [laughter, applause] 872 00:32:49,103 --> 00:32:50,573 "I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT. 873 00:32:50,606 --> 00:32:53,311 [laughter, applause] 874 00:32:57,219 --> 00:32:59,691 "I REALLY THINK YOU'RE SHOWING A LOT OF IMPROVEMENT. 875 00:32:59,724 --> 00:33:02,329 [laughter, applause] 876 00:33:04,466 --> 00:33:07,507 [chanting] RUDY. RUDY. RUDY." 877 00:33:07,540 --> 00:33:10,345 [laughter, applause] 878 00:33:10,378 --> 00:33:12,182 IF YOU GUYS NEVER WATCH PORN, 879 00:33:12,215 --> 00:33:13,786 YOUR SEX LIVES WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER, 880 00:33:13,819 --> 00:33:15,556 'CAUSE THE BAR WOULD BE SO MUCH LOWER, RIGHT? 881 00:33:15,589 --> 00:33:17,627 IF YOU GUYS NEVER WATCHED PORN, 882 00:33:17,660 --> 00:33:19,463 YOU'D COME HOME, YOU'D SEE YOUR GIRL LYING ON THE BED. 883 00:33:19,496 --> 00:33:21,334 YOU'D BE LIKE, "OH MY GOD. SHE'S WEARING SWEATPANTS. 884 00:33:21,367 --> 00:33:22,771 [laughter] 885 00:33:22,804 --> 00:33:25,342 LOOK AT THAT SNUGGY." 886 00:33:25,375 --> 00:33:27,613 [laughter, applause] 887 00:33:29,684 --> 00:33:32,256 WHY DO I THINK ALL YOUR PENISES ARE THIS LONG? 888 00:33:32,289 --> 00:33:34,160 [laughter] 889 00:33:34,193 --> 00:33:35,863 I DON'T LIKE PORN. WOMEN DO NOT LIKE PORN. 890 00:33:35,896 --> 00:33:38,168 WE'RE WAY TOO SENSITIVE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 891 00:33:38,201 --> 00:33:40,640 LIKE, WHEN I WATCH PORN, I'M NOT LIKE INTO IT, AND LIKE, "OH YEAH." 892 00:33:40,673 --> 00:33:43,779 I JUST GET VERY WORRIED ABOUT THE WOMEN IN THE PORN. 893 00:33:43,812 --> 00:33:45,817 I START SPINNING OUT-- I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. 894 00:33:45,850 --> 00:33:48,188 "SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE. THIS IS NOT GOOD. 895 00:33:48,221 --> 00:33:50,560 SHE REALLY NEEDS A BACKUP PLAN." 896 00:33:50,593 --> 00:33:52,897 [laughter, applause] 897 00:33:52,930 --> 00:33:55,402 BUT I THINK WOMEN SHOULD WATCH PORN MORE, 898 00:33:55,435 --> 00:33:57,641 BECAUSE WOMEN-- IF YOU GUYS WATCH PORN, LADIES, 899 00:33:57,674 --> 00:33:59,477 YOU WOULD SEE WHERE YOUR MAN 900 00:33:59,511 --> 00:34:01,281 WAS GETTING ALL THOSE STUPID FRICKIN' IDEAS. 901 00:34:01,314 --> 00:34:03,285 LIKE, LITERALLY EVERY TIME I WATCH PORN, 902 00:34:03,318 --> 00:34:06,324 I'M LIKE, "OH, THAT'S WHY HE MADE ME BUY ROLLER SKATES. 903 00:34:06,357 --> 00:34:09,297 OKAY, THAT'S WHY THERE'S TWO POUNDS OF PUDDING IN THE FRIDGE-- OKAY." 904 00:34:09,330 --> 00:34:10,967 [laughter] 905 00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:12,671 BUT WOMEN ARE TOO SENSITIVE FOR THAT. 906 00:34:12,704 --> 00:34:14,273 LIKE, I DON'T LIKE PORN. IT'S TOO GRAPHIC. 907 00:34:14,306 --> 00:34:15,977 LIKE, IF PORN WAS MADE FOR WOMEN, 908 00:34:16,010 --> 00:34:19,518 IT WOULD JUST BE, LIKE, TWO HOURS OF SNUGGLING... 909 00:34:19,551 --> 00:34:21,454 AND AT THE END, THE GUY WOULD PROPOSE. 910 00:34:21,487 --> 00:34:23,526 [laughter] 911 00:34:23,559 --> 00:34:24,961 I WOULD WATCH THAT. 912 00:34:24,994 --> 00:34:27,466 I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THAT. 913 00:34:27,499 --> 00:34:29,303 I DON'T LIKE PORN. 914 00:34:29,336 --> 00:34:30,840 THE THING THAT CRACKS ME UP THE MOST ABOUT PORN 915 00:34:30,873 --> 00:34:32,443 IS YOU GUYS DON'T THINK WE KNOW YOU WATCH IT. 916 00:34:32,476 --> 00:34:34,380 IT IS SO OBVIOUS, 917 00:34:34,413 --> 00:34:36,451 ESPECIALLY IF YOU WATCH IT ON THE COMPUTER, 918 00:34:36,484 --> 00:34:39,357 'CAUSE EITHER, NUMBER ONE, YOU ERASE YOUR HISTORY... 919 00:34:39,390 --> 00:34:40,860 IN THE MENU BAR-- 920 00:34:40,893 --> 00:34:42,630 AND I KNOW YOU DID SOME CRAZY SHIT-- 921 00:34:42,663 --> 00:34:44,333 [laughter] 922 00:34:44,366 --> 00:34:45,970 OR YOU DON'T ERASE YOUR HISTORY, 923 00:34:46,003 --> 00:34:47,741 AND I TRY TO GO TO Google.com, 924 00:34:47,774 --> 00:34:49,911 BUT IT GOES TO GoodJigglyJugs.com... 925 00:34:49,944 --> 00:34:51,849 [laughter] 926 00:34:51,882 --> 00:34:54,588 DEAL WITH THAT AT 7:00 A.M. 927 00:34:54,621 --> 00:34:56,925 THE OTHER REASON WE KNOW YOU GUYS WATCH PORN 928 00:34:56,958 --> 00:34:59,430 IS 'CAUSE YOU GUYS WILL DO THINGS IN THE BEDROOM 929 00:34:59,463 --> 00:35:02,904 THAT YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY, LIKE, COPYING FROM PORN, 930 00:35:02,937 --> 00:35:05,843 LIKE THE SPANKING THING. 931 00:35:05,876 --> 00:35:07,881 WHEN YOU GUYS DO THIS, 932 00:35:07,914 --> 00:35:10,352 WE'RE JUST FRICKIN' LAUGHING AT YOU, OKAY? I'M SORRY. 933 00:35:10,385 --> 00:35:11,722 WE'RE LIKE, "YEAH, I'M A BAD GIRL. 934 00:35:11,755 --> 00:35:14,895 - "PFFFT! - [laughter] 935 00:35:14,928 --> 00:35:17,499 - "WHAT AN IDIOT. - [laughter continues] 936 00:35:17,533 --> 00:35:19,470 PLEASE DON'T FART. PLEASE DON'T FART." 937 00:35:19,504 --> 00:35:21,742 [laughter, applause] 938 00:35:21,775 --> 00:35:24,915 [cheers, applause] 939 00:35:24,948 --> 00:35:26,819 THE NEW THING YOU GUYS ARE DOING IN THE BEDROOM 940 00:35:26,852 --> 00:35:28,488 THAT I KNOW YOU'RE COPYING FROM PORN 941 00:35:28,522 --> 00:35:29,891 IS THE CHOKING THING. 942 00:35:29,924 --> 00:35:31,528 (woman) OH! 943 00:35:31,561 --> 00:35:32,997 YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHO'S BEEN CHOKED. 944 00:35:33,030 --> 00:35:35,736 [laughter, cheers, applause] 945 00:35:37,172 --> 00:35:39,009 IT'S LIKE, 946 00:35:39,042 --> 00:35:41,013 I DIDN'T KNOW THE CHOKING THING WAS GOING ON. 947 00:35:41,046 --> 00:35:43,986 IMAGINE MY SURPRISE... 948 00:35:44,019 --> 00:35:46,057 THE FIRST TIME THAT WENT DOWN, I WAS LIKE, 949 00:35:46,090 --> 00:35:48,729 "UGH. I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE PUT THE MONEY." 950 00:35:48,762 --> 00:35:51,534 [laughter] 951 00:35:54,541 --> 00:35:56,879 THE FUNNY THING TO ME ABOUT THE CHOKING THING 952 00:35:56,912 --> 00:35:59,518 IS IT'S THE ONLY FAKE, LIKE, "I'M GONNA KILL YOU" 953 00:35:59,551 --> 00:36:02,055 THING YOU CAN DO IN THE BEDROOM THAT'S ACTUALLY SEXY. 954 00:36:02,088 --> 00:36:04,728 LIKE, YOU CAN'T MIME ANY OTHER KILLING TACTICS IN THE BEDROOM. 955 00:36:04,761 --> 00:36:06,932 IT'S NOT LIKE 956 00:36:06,965 --> 00:36:08,836 A NAKED GUY CAN COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND BE LIKE... 957 00:36:08,869 --> 00:36:11,675 [imitating Jaws theme] ♪ DA NA ♪ 958 00:36:11,708 --> 00:36:14,046 ♪ DA-NA DA-NA DA-NA DA-NA ♪ 959 00:36:14,079 --> 00:36:15,916 [laughter, applause] 960 00:36:18,121 --> 00:36:20,025 GUYS ARE INTO THE CHOKING THING. 961 00:36:20,058 --> 00:36:22,029 SO NOW WHEN A GUY TRIES TO CHOKE ME IN THE BEDROOM, 962 00:36:22,062 --> 00:36:23,666 I'LL JUST GO ALONG WITH IT. I'LL BE LIKE, 963 00:36:23,699 --> 00:36:25,068 "OOH-AH! 964 00:36:25,101 --> 00:36:27,072 [laughter] 965 00:36:27,105 --> 00:36:29,845 "UH-AHH-AHH! 966 00:36:29,878 --> 00:36:32,449 UUUUUAAAAAA..." 967 00:36:32,482 --> 00:36:34,621 YOU GOTTA SELL IT! 968 00:36:34,654 --> 00:36:37,092 [laughter, applause] 969 00:36:37,125 --> 00:36:39,196 I USED TO WORRY ABOUT PORN. 970 00:36:39,229 --> 00:36:41,267 I USED TO BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, MY MAN'S WATCHING PORN." 971 00:36:41,300 --> 00:36:43,639 YOU KNOW, "HE DOESN'T LOVE ME, OR HE'S NOT ATTRACTED TO ME." 972 00:36:43,672 --> 00:36:45,510 PORN IS NOT A THREAT TO OUR RELATIONSHIPS. 973 00:36:45,543 --> 00:36:46,845 I LIKE TO THINK ABOUT IT LIKE THIS-- 974 00:36:46,878 --> 00:36:48,883 GUYS WATCHING PORN 975 00:36:48,916 --> 00:36:52,089 IS LIKE WOMEN WATCHING THE FOOD NETWORK. 976 00:36:52,122 --> 00:36:55,061 'KAY, WE'RE BOTH WATCHING THINGS WE ARE NEVER GONNA FRIGGIN' DO. 977 00:36:55,094 --> 00:36:57,098 [laughter, applause] 978 00:36:59,269 --> 00:37:01,575 WOMEN HAVE OUR OWN VERSION OF PORN, RIGHT? 979 00:37:01,608 --> 00:37:03,244 OUR VERSION OF PORN IS ROMANTIC COMEDIES, RIGHT? 980 00:37:03,277 --> 00:37:05,783 WE COMPARE YOU GUYS TO THE MEN IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES 981 00:37:05,816 --> 00:37:07,787 JUST LIKE YOU COMPARE US TO THE WOMEN IN PORN, RIGHT? 982 00:37:07,820 --> 00:37:09,858 YOU GUYS TAKE US OUT TO A FIVE-STAR RESTAURANT 983 00:37:09,891 --> 00:37:11,762 WITH SHRIMP AND CHAMPAGNE-- IN OUR MINDS WE'RE LIKE, 984 00:37:11,795 --> 00:37:13,699 "YEAH, WELL, MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY TOOK HIS GIRLFRIEND 985 00:37:13,732 --> 00:37:15,570 "INTO A HOT-AIR BALLOON AND GOT HER A DIAMOND NECKLACE 986 00:37:15,603 --> 00:37:17,941 AND A PANDA-- THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!" 987 00:37:17,974 --> 00:37:20,278 ROMANTIC COMEDIES-- THEY BRAINWASH WOMEN. 988 00:37:20,311 --> 00:37:22,884 THEY MAKE US BELIEVE IN, LIKE, "FATE" AND "DESTINY." 989 00:37:22,917 --> 00:37:25,188 FATE AND DESTINY ARE NAMES OF STRIPPERS, OKAY? 990 00:37:25,221 --> 00:37:27,025 THEY'RE NOT REAL... 991 00:37:27,058 --> 00:37:30,031 [laughter, applause] 992 00:37:30,064 --> 00:37:32,302 IT'S WEIRD, THOUGH, BECAUSE ROMANTIC COMEDIES 993 00:37:32,335 --> 00:37:34,841 SET THE BAR SO HIGH FOR YOU GUYS, 994 00:37:34,874 --> 00:37:36,912 BUT WHAT'S WEIRD IS THAT GUYS ARE THE ONES 995 00:37:36,945 --> 00:37:38,849 THAT WRITE ALL THE ROMANTIC COMEDIES. GUYS RUN HOLLYWOOD. 996 00:37:38,882 --> 00:37:40,753 IF WOMEN RAN HOLLYWOOD, THE ROMANTIC COMEDIES WOULD BE 997 00:37:40,786 --> 00:37:42,757 A LOT MORE REALISTIC, SO THERE'D BE 998 00:37:42,790 --> 00:37:44,794 A LOT LESS DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN YOU LEFT THE THEATER. 999 00:37:44,827 --> 00:37:47,232 NO MORE FRIGGIN' MODELS BEING CAST AS THE LEAD OF EVERY MOVIE. 1000 00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:49,136 LEAD OF EVERY MOVIE IF WOMEN RAN HOLLYWOOD? 1001 00:37:49,169 --> 00:37:51,608 KATHY FREAKIN' BATES, BITCH. 1002 00:37:51,641 --> 00:37:53,712 ANGELINA JOLIE WOULD NEVER WORK AGAIN. 1003 00:37:53,745 --> 00:37:55,750 I DON'T CARE. CAMBODIA CAN FUCKING HAVE HER. 1004 00:37:55,783 --> 00:37:58,188 - FUCK HER. - [laughter] 1005 00:37:58,221 --> 00:38:01,728 [cheers, applause] 1006 00:38:01,761 --> 00:38:05,803 OUR NEW SEXY ACTION STAR-- OPRAH. BAM! 1007 00:38:05,836 --> 00:38:08,074 SHE BLOWS SOME SHIT UP AND EVERYONE GETS A CAR. 1008 00:38:08,107 --> 00:38:10,078 [laughter] 1009 00:38:10,111 --> 00:38:12,082 - I WOULD SEE THAT MOVIE. - [laughter continues] 1010 00:38:12,115 --> 00:38:13,953 IT'S FUNNY, THOUGH, 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE 1011 00:38:13,986 --> 00:38:15,990 ROMANTIC COMEDIES SET THE BAR SO HIGH FOR YOU GUYS. 1012 00:38:16,023 --> 00:38:17,994 WE WANT YOU GUYS TO ACT LIKE THE MEN IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES, 1013 00:38:18,027 --> 00:38:19,764 BUT IF YOU EVER DID ACT LIKE THE MEN IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES, 1014 00:38:19,797 --> 00:38:21,234 IT WOULD TOTALLY BACKFIRE, RIGHT? 1015 00:38:21,267 --> 00:38:23,672 LIKE CARRYING A WOMAN UP THE STAIRS. 1016 00:38:23,705 --> 00:38:25,342 "I'M GONNA CARRY MY WOMAN UP THE STAIRS AND SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET." 1017 00:38:25,375 --> 00:38:27,346 IF YOU GUYS TRY TO DO THAT IN REAL LIFE, 1018 00:38:27,379 --> 00:38:30,385 YOU BETTER MAKE SURE YOU DON'T SO MUCH AS FREAKIN' WINCE. 1019 00:38:30,418 --> 00:38:32,857 [laughter] 1020 00:38:32,890 --> 00:38:35,763 YOU BETTER GO TO THE GYM. 1021 00:38:35,796 --> 00:38:38,034 YOU MAKE SURE YOU CAN LIFT HER WEIGHT, BITCHES... 1022 00:38:38,067 --> 00:38:39,704 [laughter] 1023 00:38:39,737 --> 00:38:40,940 'CAUSE IF THERE IS LIKE A... 1024 00:38:40,973 --> 00:38:43,979 [grunting] 1025 00:38:44,012 --> 00:38:45,415 YOU ARE SO FUCKED. 1026 00:38:45,448 --> 00:38:47,419 [laughter] 1027 00:38:47,452 --> 00:38:49,958 JUST KILL YOURSELF. LIKE, IT'S NOT EVEN WORTH IT. 1028 00:38:49,991 --> 00:38:52,462 "OH, WHAT, I'M FAT? IS THAT IT, I'M FAT? 1029 00:38:52,495 --> 00:38:55,068 "GEORGE CLOONEY COULD'VE CARRIED ME UP THE STAIRS. 1030 00:38:55,101 --> 00:38:58,041 "RUBEN STUDDARD COULD'VE CARRIED ME UP THE STAIRS. 1031 00:38:58,074 --> 00:38:59,945 YOU HAVE A SMALL DICK!" 1032 00:38:59,978 --> 00:39:03,117 [laughter, applause] 1033 00:39:03,150 --> 00:39:05,255 ANOTHER THING I FEEL LIKE GUYS ARE ALWAYS DOING 1034 00:39:05,288 --> 00:39:07,259 IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES THAT WOULD NEVER FLY IN REAL LIFE 1035 00:39:07,292 --> 00:39:09,463 IS GUYS ARE ALWAYS LIGHTING CANDLES TO BE ROMANTIC. 1036 00:39:09,496 --> 00:39:11,835 NO. WOMEN ARE OBSESSED WITH CANDLES. 1037 00:39:11,868 --> 00:39:13,505 WE'RE LIKE PYROMANIACS, RIGHT? 1038 00:39:13,538 --> 00:39:15,977 YOU GUYS COME OVER. WE HAVE CANDLES EVERYWHERE. 1039 00:39:16,010 --> 00:39:19,283 YOU DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU OR SACRIFICE YOU, RIGHT? 1040 00:39:19,316 --> 00:39:21,320 BUT, GUYS, YOU CANNOT LIGHT CANDLES. 1041 00:39:21,353 --> 00:39:23,458 IF I GO TO A GUY'S HOUSE AND HE'S GOT CANDLES EVERYWHERE, 1042 00:39:23,491 --> 00:39:26,163 I DON'T THINK YOU'RE "ROMANTIC." I THINK YOU TOOK A "DUMP," OKAY? 1043 00:39:26,196 --> 00:39:28,001 [laughter, applause] 1044 00:39:28,034 --> 00:39:29,436 WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. 1045 00:39:29,469 --> 00:39:31,775 STOP-- EHH-- 1046 00:39:31,808 --> 00:39:34,213 TRYIN' TO "GLADE" YOUR WAY OUT OF THAT... 1047 00:39:34,246 --> 00:39:36,083 CHIPOTLE-- JUST STOP. 1048 00:39:36,116 --> 00:39:37,920 [laughter, applause] 1049 00:39:37,953 --> 00:39:39,423 THE OTHER THING GUYS DO IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES 1050 00:39:39,456 --> 00:39:41,995 THAT WOULD NEVER FLY IN REAL LIFE 1051 00:39:42,028 --> 00:39:44,801 IS GUYS ARE ALWAYS, LIKE, SHOWING UP UNANNOUNCED. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 1052 00:39:44,834 --> 00:39:46,938 LIKE, I WAS WATCHING ONE, WHERE THIS WOMAN WAS LIKE, GARDENING OR SOMETHING 1053 00:39:46,971 --> 00:39:49,310 AND THE GUY WAS LIKE, STANDING THERE, 1054 00:39:49,343 --> 00:39:51,314 AND SHE TURNS AROUND, SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?" 1055 00:39:51,347 --> 00:39:53,284 AND THE GUY WAS LIKE, "I JUST HAD TO SEE YOU." 1056 00:39:53,317 --> 00:39:54,921 FIRST OF ALL, IT'S 2010. 1057 00:39:54,954 --> 00:39:56,825 YOU CAN SEND A FUCKING TEXT, OKAY? 1058 00:39:56,858 --> 00:39:59,163 STOP BEING A CREEPY STALKER. IT'S WEIRD. 1059 00:39:59,196 --> 00:40:02,102 SECOND OF ALL, WOMEN, WE DO NOT LIKE BEING SNUCK UP ON, OKAY? 1060 00:40:02,135 --> 00:40:04,073 I NEED A LOT OF TIME BEFORE I SEE MY MAN. 1061 00:40:04,106 --> 00:40:05,475 A LOT OF THINGS NEED TO GO DOWN 1062 00:40:05,509 --> 00:40:07,312 BEFORE I SEE MY MAN. 1063 00:40:07,345 --> 00:40:08,983 I DON'T WANT ANY SURPRISES, ALL RIGHT? 1064 00:40:09,016 --> 00:40:10,385 I GOT TO GET THE BABY WIPES OUT... 1065 00:40:10,418 --> 00:40:12,422 [laughter] 1066 00:40:12,455 --> 00:40:15,095 [laughter, applause] 1067 00:40:15,128 --> 00:40:17,232 I GOT TO GET SOME UNDER-EYE CONCEALER 1068 00:40:17,265 --> 00:40:18,902 SO I DON'T LOOK LIKE AN AVATAR. 1069 00:40:18,935 --> 00:40:20,573 A LOT OF THINGS HAVE TO GO DOWN, OKAY? 1070 00:40:20,606 --> 00:40:22,844 BUT IT'S SO CRAZY, 'CAUSE WOMEN, 1071 00:40:22,877 --> 00:40:24,914 WE PUT SO MUCH EFFORT INTO GETTING READY-- 1072 00:40:24,947 --> 00:40:26,918 HOURS BEFORE WE LEAVE THE HOUSE, RIGHT? 1073 00:40:26,951 --> 00:40:29,023 HAIR AND MAKEUP AND SHAVING AND TWEEZING 1074 00:40:29,056 --> 00:40:31,027 AND PLUCKING AND EYELINER-- WHICH IS RIDICULOUS, 1075 00:40:31,060 --> 00:40:33,197 'CAUSE WOMEN ARE NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL, RIGHT? 1076 00:40:33,230 --> 00:40:35,101 YOU GUYS DON'T NEED ANY MAKEUP. WOMEN WAKE UP IN THE MORNING 1077 00:40:35,134 --> 00:40:37,105 AND ARE NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL, PERIOD. 1078 00:40:37,138 --> 00:40:39,410 YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING... 1079 00:40:39,443 --> 00:40:41,113 [laughter, applause] 1080 00:40:41,146 --> 00:40:42,850 AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING. 1081 00:40:42,883 --> 00:40:44,453 YOU JUST ROLL OUT OF BED WITH THOSE BALLS. 1082 00:40:44,486 --> 00:40:46,525 - HOW DARE YOU? - [laughter, cheers, applause] 1083 00:40:46,558 --> 00:40:50,331 THEY ARE SO AWFUL. THEY'RE EMBARRASSING. 1084 00:40:50,364 --> 00:40:52,970 THAT'S WHAT NEEDS THREE HOURS OF MAKEUP, RIGHT THERE-- 1085 00:40:53,003 --> 00:40:55,408 - [laughter, applause] - SOME CONCEALER, YEAH. 1086 00:40:55,441 --> 00:40:57,613 MAYBE A HOT IRON TO... 1087 00:40:57,646 --> 00:40:59,316 IRON OUT THOSE WRINKLES, PLEASE. 1088 00:40:59,349 --> 00:41:02,322 [laughter, applause] 1089 00:41:02,355 --> 00:41:04,627 BUT THE ONE THING YOU GUYS DO HAVE TO DO-- 1090 00:41:04,660 --> 00:41:07,032 LIKE, SHAVE YOUR FACE-- YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DO IT. 1091 00:41:07,065 --> 00:41:08,969 IF YOU GUYS DON'T SHAVE, IT'S SEXY-- IT'S DISTINGUISHED. 1092 00:41:09,002 --> 00:41:10,305 IF WE DON'T SHAVE, "WE'RE LESBIANS." 1093 00:41:10,338 --> 00:41:13,010 - THAT'S HOW THAT GOES DOWN. - [laughter] 1094 00:41:13,043 --> 00:41:14,514 WOMEN-- WE TORTURE OURSELVES, RIGHT? 1095 00:41:14,547 --> 00:41:16,317 AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, 1096 00:41:16,350 --> 00:41:18,321 WOMEN ARE WEARING SO MANY TORTURE DEVICES. 1097 00:41:18,354 --> 00:41:20,258 LIKE, THONG UNDERWEAR-- WHO INVENTED THAT? 1098 00:41:20,291 --> 00:41:21,628 FUCK YOU. 1099 00:41:21,661 --> 00:41:23,532 [women cheering] 1100 00:41:23,565 --> 00:41:25,970 IT IS TERRIBLE. 1101 00:41:26,003 --> 00:41:29,009 LIKE, YOU KNOW A WOMAN DID NOT INVENT THONG UNDERWEAR, 1102 00:41:29,042 --> 00:41:31,013 'CAUSE NO WOMAN WAS EVER STANDING AROUND 1103 00:41:31,046 --> 00:41:33,151 IN FULL UNDERWEAR AND WAS LIKE, 1104 00:41:33,184 --> 00:41:35,488 "YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE? 1105 00:41:35,522 --> 00:41:37,192 [laughing] 1106 00:41:37,225 --> 00:41:39,496 "IF ALL OF THIS FABRIC... 1107 00:41:39,530 --> 00:41:43,539 [laughter] 1108 00:41:43,572 --> 00:41:45,475 "WAS JUST... 1109 00:41:45,509 --> 00:41:49,149 "LIKE, VIOLENTLY... 1110 00:41:49,182 --> 00:41:52,456 "RIDING UP MY ASSHOLE. 1111 00:41:52,489 --> 00:41:54,426 "IS THERE A WAY YOU CAN GET ALL THIS FABRIC 1112 00:41:54,459 --> 00:41:56,497 "TO JUST TRY TO RAPE MY BUTT HOLE? 1113 00:41:56,531 --> 00:41:58,334 "IS THAT...? 1114 00:41:58,367 --> 00:41:59,704 [laughter, cheering] 1115 00:41:59,737 --> 00:42:01,508 "I WANT IT JUST TO FEEL LIKE 1116 00:42:01,541 --> 00:42:04,446 "A RUBBER BAND IS SNAPPING... 1117 00:42:04,479 --> 00:42:06,484 "I WANT IT TO FEEL LIKE AN ALLIGATOR IS ACTUALLY 1118 00:42:06,518 --> 00:42:08,121 EATING ME OUT-- CAN YOU DO THAT?" 1119 00:42:08,154 --> 00:42:10,358 [laughter, applause] 1120 00:42:10,391 --> 00:42:12,362 WHAT IS THE POINT OF THONG UNDERWEAR? 1121 00:42:12,395 --> 00:42:15,335 THE POINT IS SO THAT WE DON'T HAVE PANTY LINES. 1122 00:42:15,368 --> 00:42:17,372 FOR WHAT? YOU THINK IN THE HISTORY OF TIME 1123 00:42:17,405 --> 00:42:19,343 ANY GUY WAS EVER STANDING AROUND, 1124 00:42:19,376 --> 00:42:22,149 LIKE, AT A NIGHTCLUB BAR WITH HIS BUDDY AND WAS LIKE-- 1125 00:42:22,182 --> 00:42:24,486 THIS IS MY BUDDY, BY THE WAY-- UM... 1126 00:42:24,520 --> 00:42:26,525 HE WAS LIKE, "HEY, DUDE, CHECK OUT THAT GIRL. 1127 00:42:26,558 --> 00:42:28,361 "OH, MY GOD, SHE IS SO HOT. 1128 00:42:28,394 --> 00:42:30,398 "SHE'S SO SEXY. I'VE GOT TO TALK TO HER. 1129 00:42:30,431 --> 00:42:32,804 ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HER. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." 1130 00:42:32,837 --> 00:42:35,408 [laughter] 1131 00:42:35,441 --> 00:42:37,379 "DUDE, DUDE... 1132 00:42:37,412 --> 00:42:39,383 "WHAT ARE THOSE LINES? 1133 00:42:39,416 --> 00:42:41,555 [laughter] 1134 00:42:41,588 --> 00:42:44,159 OH, MY GOD, NEVER MIND. THAT'S DISGUSTING." 1135 00:42:44,192 --> 00:42:45,796 - [laughter] - IT'S RIDICULOUS. 1136 00:42:45,829 --> 00:42:47,499 AND MOST OF THESE TORTURE DEVICES MEN INVENTED. 1137 00:42:47,533 --> 00:42:49,470 YOU KNOW GUYS INVENTED HIGH-HEEL SHOES. 1138 00:42:49,504 --> 00:42:51,440 THAT WAS A GUY'S INVENTION, 1139 00:42:51,473 --> 00:42:53,177 WHICH I HAVE A THEORY ABOUT THIS. 1140 00:42:53,210 --> 00:42:55,315 I HAVE A THEORY THAT, LIKE, 200 YEARS AGO, 1141 00:42:55,348 --> 00:42:57,486 WOMEN WERE WEARING FLAT SHOES GETTING WHERE THEY NEEDED TO GO. 1142 00:42:57,520 --> 00:42:59,490 A BUNCH OF GUYS GOT IN A ROOM, AND THEY WERE LIKE, 1143 00:42:59,524 --> 00:43:01,360 "GOD, THESE WOMEN, THEY ARE GORGEOUS. 1144 00:43:01,393 --> 00:43:03,231 "THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS 1145 00:43:03,264 --> 00:43:05,401 "THEY ARE REALLY HARD TO HAVE SEX WITH. 1146 00:43:05,434 --> 00:43:07,472 "I MEAN, THEY CAN JUST GET UP 1147 00:43:07,506 --> 00:43:09,476 - "AND WALK AWAY. - [laughter] 1148 00:43:09,510 --> 00:43:11,380 "WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO JUST SLOW 'EM DOWN. 1149 00:43:11,413 --> 00:43:13,484 "WHAT IF WE JUST PUT, LIKE, A FOUR-INCH BRICK 1150 00:43:13,518 --> 00:43:16,156 ON THE BACK OF THEIR FOOT? YOU THINK THEY'D DO THAT?" 1151 00:43:16,189 --> 00:43:17,425 AND IT WORKS, 'CAUSE I'VE TALKED TO GUYS 1152 00:43:17,458 --> 00:43:19,429 EXTRA HOURS LONGER THAN I WANTED TO 1153 00:43:19,462 --> 00:43:21,500 'CAUSE MY FEET WERE FRICKIN' KILLING ME. 1154 00:43:21,534 --> 00:43:23,505 I'VE GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE I'M JUST LIKE, "DUDE, 1155 00:43:23,538 --> 00:43:25,509 "CAN I JUST HAVE THAT ROOFIE NOW, 'CAUSE MY FEET... 1156 00:43:25,542 --> 00:43:27,279 "I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING. 1157 00:43:27,312 --> 00:43:29,551 PLEASE." 1158 00:43:29,584 --> 00:43:31,621 THOSE HEELS-- YOU KNOW THEY CALL THOSE REALLY HIGH HEELS-- 1159 00:43:31,654 --> 00:43:34,359 THEY CALL THEM "FUCK-ME HEELS." THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL THEM. 1160 00:43:34,392 --> 00:43:35,863 'CAUSE WHEN YOU PUT 'EM ON, YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, FUCK ME. 1161 00:43:35,896 --> 00:43:37,567 REALLY? WE'RE DOING THIS AGAIN?" 1162 00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:39,469 I DON'T LIKE TO WEAR FUCK-ME HEELS. 1163 00:43:39,502 --> 00:43:40,873 I LIKE TO WEAR... 1164 00:43:40,906 --> 00:43:43,411 "LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS" SNEAKERS. 1165 00:43:43,444 --> 00:43:46,383 [laughter, cheers, applause] 1166 00:43:49,289 --> 00:43:52,262 GUYS ALSO INVENTED UNDERWIRE BRAS, WHICH AGAIN, 1167 00:43:52,295 --> 00:43:54,534 ONLY A GUY'S INSENSITIVE MIND WOULD COME UP WITH THAT. 1168 00:43:54,567 --> 00:43:56,671 'CAUSE ONLY A GUY'S MIND WOULD BE SO INSENSITIVE 1169 00:43:56,704 --> 00:43:59,409 THAT THEY WOULD SEE A SOFT BRA WITH A WOMAN'S BOOBS 1170 00:43:59,442 --> 00:44:01,514 AND WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT THAT THING NEEDS? 1171 00:44:01,547 --> 00:44:04,486 I THINK THAT NEEDS A SKEWER RIGHT THROUGH..." 1172 00:44:04,520 --> 00:44:06,658 IT'S NOT A KABOB. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 1173 00:44:06,691 --> 00:44:08,562 THIS ISN'T FUCKING FIGHT CLUB. 1174 00:44:08,595 --> 00:44:10,566 WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD? 1175 00:44:10,599 --> 00:44:12,937 AND THEN IN THE '70s WOMEN STARTED GETTING PISSED OFF 1176 00:44:12,970 --> 00:44:14,540 'CAUSE THEY HURT SO MUCH, RIGHT? 1177 00:44:14,573 --> 00:44:16,511 AND THEN WOMEN STARTED BURNING THEIR BRAS. 1178 00:44:16,544 --> 00:44:18,649 AND THEN GUYS INVENTED WATER BRAS... 1179 00:44:18,682 --> 00:44:21,253 SO WE COULDN'T BURN 'EM ANYMORE. 1180 00:44:21,286 --> 00:44:22,723 - [laughter] - THAT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY SMART. 1181 00:44:22,756 --> 00:44:24,694 I GOTTA GIVE YOU A GOLD STAR FOR THAT. 1182 00:44:24,727 --> 00:44:26,698 AND THEN THEY WERE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT? 1183 00:44:26,731 --> 00:44:28,401 THESE WOMEN-- STILL, THE BOOBS ARE NOT BIG ENOUGH." 1184 00:44:28,434 --> 00:44:30,305 AND THEN YOU GUYS INVENTED BREAST IMPLANTS. 1185 00:44:30,338 --> 00:44:31,407 WHAT? THE NEXT STEP WAS CUT 'EM OPEN 1186 00:44:31,440 --> 00:44:33,311 AND FILL THEM WITH JELL-O? 1187 00:44:33,344 --> 00:44:34,914 ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? 1188 00:44:34,947 --> 00:44:36,518 WOMEN, DO NOT GET BREAST IMPLANTS. 1189 00:44:36,551 --> 00:44:39,591 DO NOT LET SOCIETY'S IDEAL OF BEAUTY-- 1190 00:44:39,624 --> 00:44:41,528 - [cheers, applause] - YEAH... 1191 00:44:41,561 --> 00:44:43,364 MESS WITH YOUR SELF-WORTH. 1192 00:44:43,397 --> 00:44:45,435 DO NOT GET-- LOVE YOUR BODY, FUCK THE MEDIA. 1193 00:44:45,468 --> 00:44:48,274 IT'S ALL PHOTOSHOP. LOVE YOUR BODY-- YEAH. 1194 00:44:48,307 --> 00:44:49,544 SERIOUS NOTE FROM WHITNEY CUMMINGS. 1195 00:44:49,577 --> 00:44:51,447 - UM... - [laughter] 1196 00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:53,384 BUT YOU ALSO DON'T WANNA GET BREAST IMPLANTS, 1197 00:44:53,417 --> 00:44:55,021 'CAUSE IF YOU GET BREAST IMPLANTS, 1198 00:44:55,054 --> 00:44:57,392 YOU'RE JUST GONNA ATTRACT THE WRONG KIND OF GUY. 1199 00:44:57,425 --> 00:44:58,695 EVERY GUY IN AN ED HARDY SHIRT IS GONNA WANT TO TALK TO YOU. 1200 00:44:58,728 --> 00:45:01,033 - IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? - [laughter, applause] 1201 00:45:01,066 --> 00:45:03,404 EVERY GUY IN A BLUETOOTH HEADSET 1202 00:45:03,437 --> 00:45:05,375 WITH FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF HIS CAR, 1203 00:45:05,408 --> 00:45:07,613 STITCHING ON HIS JEANS... 1204 00:45:07,646 --> 00:45:09,550 - IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? - [laughter, applause] 1205 00:45:12,422 --> 00:45:14,426 SEE, I DON'T HAVE ANY BOOBS, 1206 00:45:14,459 --> 00:45:16,397 - AND MY LIFE IS QUIET. - [laughter] 1207 00:45:16,430 --> 00:45:18,535 NO ONE TRIES TO TALK TO ME. 1208 00:45:18,568 --> 00:45:20,572 I CAN GO INTO A NIGHTCLUB. NO ONE HARASSES ME. 1209 00:45:20,605 --> 00:45:22,610 NO ONE EVEN TRIES TO HUG ME. THIS IS NO FUN. 1210 00:45:22,643 --> 00:45:24,413 NO ONE WANTS TO DO THE STERNUM BUMP. 1211 00:45:24,446 --> 00:45:25,716 - IT'S NOT FUN. - [laughter] 1212 00:45:25,749 --> 00:45:27,520 I WALK BY A CONSTRUCTION SITE-- 1213 00:45:27,553 --> 00:45:30,526 - SHOOOO...QUIET. - [laughter] 1214 00:45:30,559 --> 00:45:31,761 EVERY NOW AND THEN A CONSTRUCTION GUY'LL BE LIKE, 1215 00:45:31,794 --> 00:45:34,634 - "YO, WHAT'S UP, DUDE?" - [laughter] 1216 00:45:34,667 --> 00:45:37,339 WHICH-- I DON'T GET THAT. WHAT IS THE YELLING AT WOMEN? 1217 00:45:37,372 --> 00:45:38,775 WHAT IS THE-- YELLING AT STRANGERS? 1218 00:45:38,808 --> 00:45:40,679 WHAT IS THAT? WHAT DOES THAT ACCOMPLISH? 1219 00:45:40,712 --> 00:45:42,449 LIKE, DO YOU THINK IN THIS HISTORY OF TIME 1220 00:45:42,482 --> 00:45:45,789 FIVE DUDES IN THE BACK OF A TRUCK 1221 00:45:45,822 --> 00:45:49,731 YELLING AT A GIRL JOGGING HAS EVER WORKED? 1222 00:45:49,764 --> 00:45:52,636 DO YOU THINK IN THE HISTORY OF TIME ANY GIRL WAS EVER LIKE... 1223 00:45:52,669 --> 00:45:54,439 [breathing heavily] 1224 00:45:54,472 --> 00:45:56,443 AND HEARD, "AY-YI-YI-YI, LET ME SEE THOSE TITTIES!" 1225 00:45:56,476 --> 00:45:59,616 [laughter] 1226 00:46:13,878 --> 00:46:15,716 LIKE, DO YOU THINK IN THE HISTORY OF TIME 1227 00:46:15,749 --> 00:46:17,720 ANYONE EVER SAT DOWN WITH A HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLE 1228 00:46:17,753 --> 00:46:20,391 AND WAS LIKE, "HEY, SO HOW DID YOU TWO MEET?" 1229 00:46:20,424 --> 00:46:21,728 AND THE GIRL'S LIKE, "WELL, UH, 1230 00:46:21,761 --> 00:46:23,865 "ONE MORNING I WAS JOGGING, 1231 00:46:23,898 --> 00:46:27,540 "AND THIS TRUCK FULL OF FIVE DUDES DROVE BY. 1232 00:46:27,573 --> 00:46:28,742 "ONE OF THEM YELLED OUT, 1233 00:46:28,775 --> 00:46:30,779 "'I WANNA PUT IT IN YOUR BUTT,' 1234 00:46:30,812 --> 00:46:32,449 [laughter] 1235 00:46:32,482 --> 00:46:34,587 AND I WAS LIKE, 'HE'S THE ONE.'" 1236 00:46:34,620 --> 00:46:36,558 [laughter, applause] 1237 00:46:36,591 --> 00:46:38,562 I LOVE YOU GUYS. I'M WHITNEY CUMMINGS. THANK YOU SO MUCH! 1238 00:46:38,595 --> 00:46:40,431 - [cheers and applause] - THANK YOU! 1239 00:46:46,511 --> 00:46:48,447 WOW! 1240 00:46:48,480 --> 00:46:50,118 OH, WOW! 1241 00:46:50,151 --> 00:46:52,556 THANK YOU! OH, GOD! 1242 00:46:52,589 --> 00:46:54,527 OH, WOW! THANK YOU! OH, WOW! THANK YOU! 1243 00:46:54,560 --> 00:46:56,598 OH, WOW! 1244 00:46:56,631 --> 00:46:58,602 [cheers, whistles, applause] 1245 00:46:58,635 --> 00:47:00,572 THANK YOU. 1246 00:47:00,605 --> 00:47:02,208 [cheers, whistles, applause] 1247 00:47:02,241 --> 00:47:03,611 THANK YOU. 1248 00:47:12,028 --> 00:47:14,667 THANK YOU. 1249 00:47:14,700 --> 00:47:15,869 THANK YOU. 91099

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