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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,280
♪ Is it so?
2
00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:05,840
♪ Don't want to let you go
3
00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:09,520
♪ No, never can say goodbye, boy
4
00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:12,160
♪ Ooooh
5
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:14,160
♪ No, no
6
00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:16,040
♪ Never can say goodbye
7
00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:17,800
♪ No, no, no, no, no
8
00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:19,960
♪ Ooh, ooh
9
00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:24,400
Oh, mother.
10
00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:28,040
Are you sure you're not up to coming
by for Christmas tomorrow?
11
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,720
I know Freddie would love to see you.
12
00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:33,120
No, he wouldn't.
13
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,840
Well, if you feel any better,
do let me know.
14
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:42,240
Yes, I'm sure it must be unpleasant
to have a cold at Christmas.
15
00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:45,680
No, I don't think Jesus hates you.
16
00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:47,720
Yes, he does.
17
00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:51,120
I'll call you tomorrow, dear.
18
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:54,360
I don't know how we'll celebrate
without you.
19
00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:56,880
Yeah!
20
00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:01,600
I can't believe your mother
lives to see another Christmas.
21
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:05,800
Even God doesn't want
to spend time with her.
22
00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:10,960
Well, perhaps we should stop by and
take her a bit of turkey tomorrow.
23
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:14,120
No, you're right,
it is Christmas after all.
24
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:19,480
Oh, that's Violet.
25
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:22,480
Oh, hang on, give me a chance
to get back up the stairs.
26
00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:25,160
I'm not in the mood to hear
one of her long stories.
27
00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:27,760
Hello, Stuart, darling.
Oh, Freddie.
28
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:32,120
I'm glad I caught you,
I've got some news.
29
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,920
Ah.
Oh, have you?
30
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,880
I'm so glad
I wasn't already completely upstairs
31
00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:39,560
before Stuart opened the door (!)
32
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,880
If I have to hear it,
you have to hear it.
33
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,600
Can I get a cup of tea, darlings?
34
00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:48,880
I just sat down.
I'm going to have to say no.
35
00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:53,800
Well, all right.
36
00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:58,600
Well, you know how I recently got
my license as a massage therapist?
37
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,920
No, we did not know that,
38
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,840
but in the interest of brevity,
let's assume we did.
39
00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:10,120
And well, I suppose I did
the one thing with a client
40
00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:12,680
that you're not supposed to do
as a masseuse.
41
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,440
Oh, that's all right, Violet,
42
00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:16,200
I'm sure he enjoyed it.
43
00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:18,360
I fell in love with him.
44
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:21,200
In only 50 minutes?
45
00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:24,840
Of course not,
it was an 80 minute massage.
46
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,680
Give me some credit.
47
00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:30,640
Well, what can you possibly
know about this man, Violet?
48
00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:33,680
I can't explain it, Stuart.
We just clicked.
49
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:36,160
He accepts me for who I am.
50
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:40,120
And I accept him
for all his weight issues.
51
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:44,360
And is he very gigantic, Vi?
52
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,120
Well, he's not small.
53
00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:51,240
And I was so hoping to bring him
to dinner tomorrow.
54
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,760
Hey, it is Christmas.
55
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:57,520
Marvellous.
I'll bring an extra turkey
56
00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:59,800
and his special chair.
57
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:03,280
Hello, Ash!
Hi!
58
00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:05,080
Hello, Ash! Come in.
59
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:08,000
Violet was just telling us
about her new boyfriend.
60
00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:11,760
How much bigger than Ash
would he be?
61
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:16,160
Er... he would be about 15 Ashes.
62
00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,520
Congratulations, Violet.
I'm very happy for you.
63
00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:23,960
I have to say, I'm a little jealous.
64
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:27,760
Really, Ash? Because if you're serious, just tell me.
I'm joking, I'm joking.
65
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,160
You are joining us
for Christmas tomorrow, Ash?
66
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:34,160
That's what I wanted to talk
to you about.
67
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,000
You remember how both my parents
are in prison?
68
00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,360
Of course we do.
69
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:42,800
Why don't we know anyone normal?
70
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:47,160
Well, I only ever had
one real Christmas.
71
00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:50,960
It was right before my dad robbed Dominos
Pizza and my mum ran over her boyfriend.
72
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:54,640
But it was great
because we were all together.
73
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:58,920
What magical childhood memories
you have, Ash.
74
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,240
But since then,
you've kind of become my family
75
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:04,480
and I wanted to say
thank you somehow.
76
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:08,080
So I was hoping you'd let me cook
Christmas dinner tomorrow.
77
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,680
Oh, that's not necessary, Ash.
78
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:13,320
Anyway, I usually cook a special -
79
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:15,600
Please, Stuart,
it would mean a lot to me.
80
00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:18,920
Oh, let him do it, it couldn't
be any worse than the war crimes
81
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,080
you commit every year
in that kitchen.
82
00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:25,400
All right. Thank you, Ash.
83
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:28,120
You know that Mason and Penelope
are also coming?
84
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,480
And I'll be bringing
my new boyfriend.
85
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:33,120
Yes, so you should probably
start cooking now.
86
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,720
And I shall start preparing
for my new role.
87
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:38,520
You're working today?
88
00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,440
Oh yes, it's the actor's life.
89
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:42,200
You know how it is.
90
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:45,240
Well, actually, you don't know how
91
00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:48,200
because you're all
just ordinary people.
92
00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:50,080
What's the part?
93
00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:52,240
Well, Ash, he's an older man
94
00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:54,800
under a tremendous amount
of pressure at work.
95
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,560
He can run the factory
96
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,600
but not his personal life
97
00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,200
and consequently
he's a very tortured individual.
98
00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:04,440
He's playing Father Christmas
at Whiteleys.
99
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,960
Merry Christmas, Baltasar.
100
00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,080
Don't you want the bone?
101
00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:20,120
Oh, look up, come on.
102
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:22,160
Wake up.
103
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:33,320
That's a good boy.
104
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,320
Merry Christmas, Baltasar.
105
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:41,280
Why is he all wet?
I have no idea.
106
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,320
Well, are you all right
after last night?
107
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:48,120
I don't want to talk about it.
108
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:51,480
I told you to just play him
like Father Christmas.
109
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:53,320
What does that even mean, Stuart?
110
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,120
He's a man.
111
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:56,880
He's a three dimensional person.
112
00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,640
I can't just play him
like Father Christmas.
113
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:01,640
I've got to play the truth.
114
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:06,480
Yes, well, the truth
is he's supposed to be jolly.
115
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:09,160
Not suicidal.
116
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,920
He's under a lot of stress.
117
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,920
He has to deliver a billion presents
in one night.
118
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,880
It was a different interpretation.
119
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:24,480
If that crowd couldn't understand it, that's not my fault.
They behave like children.
120
00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:26,760
They were children!
121
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:31,520
I'm not going to have this discussion with you.
You're not a creative person.
122
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,720
Should we exchange our presents now?
123
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,640
Yes.
124
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:40,000
My present is I supported you
for 49 years. What did you get me?
125
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:44,400
A burial plot.
126
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:49,880
I hope you get to use it soon.
127
00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:53,240
Merry Christmas!
128
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,000
Merry Christmas, Ash.
129
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,440
Oh, look at all this!
You must have spent a fortune.
130
00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,240
I did.
131
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:02,920
Well, we're not paying you back.
You offered.
132
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:06,080
Are you sure you're all right
doing all this?
133
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:08,040
Yeah, my mum used
to be a really good cook.
134
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:11,840
When she wasn't drunk.
Which was all the time.
135
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:15,840
Why wasn't I enough for you, Mum?
136
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:18,640
Anyway, it's my pleasure.
137
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:20,520
Ooh, I'll go.
138
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:24,200
Freddie, do you want to help me
unpack the shopping?
139
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:26,840
I don't actually.
140
00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:34,480
Hello. I'm hoping you can help me.
141
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:39,080
I'm looking for the flat of
Stuart Bixby and Freddie Thornhill.
142
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,280
Do you happen to know
where this address is?
143
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:44,200
It's Stuart, Penelope.
144
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:45,960
Of course.
145
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,720
Merry Christmas, Stuart.
146
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:51,040
Merry Christmas, Penelope. Come in.
147
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:55,240
So then, you don't know
where this address is?
148
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,240
Now where's Mason?
149
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,000
I thought he was coming with you.
150
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:03,760
Is Mason a cat?
151
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,840
No, Mason is not a cat, dear.
152
00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:09,640
He's our friend.
153
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,840
Remind me to check
your prescriptions later.
154
00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:15,600
Merry Christmas, Penelope.
155
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,400
Ooh, Merry Christmas, Freddie.
156
00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:20,720
Where should I put the presents?
Under the tree, dear.
157
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,600
And do you say the tree
is in this room?
158
00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:29,600
Oh, just give them to me.
159
00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:33,360
Merry Christmas, Penelope.
Aww.
160
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:36,000
Would you like something -
Don't ask her any questions.
161
00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:38,840
Just let her get settled in first.
162
00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:41,760
Where's Violet and her boyfriend?
163
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:46,160
I hope she didn't get stuck
in traffic. Or sat on.
164
00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:50,400
That must be them.
165
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:55,120
Please, darling,
let's not do this now.
166
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,760
I'm sorry, Violet, but we have to.
167
00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:01,040
It sounds like they're having
a very private discussion.
168
00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:03,280
I think we should respect that.
169
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:07,520
Can't it keep until later?
I'm afraid not.
170
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:09,440
You see, I've met somebody else.
171
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,240
Oh.
172
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,080
Since breakfast?
173
00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:17,320
I hope you understand.
Of course.
174
00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:19,920
Would you mind putting
that hamburger down
175
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,120
so we can have a proper goodbye?
176
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:31,400
Everybody make a lot of noise.
177
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,720
Merry Christmas, darling.
Merry Christmas.
178
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:39,920
We almost didn't hear you.
We're having so much fun.
179
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:43,080
And the conversation was so loud,
we couldn't hear anything else.
180
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,320
Is that Violet?
I didn't even hear you come in.
181
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,120
Did you hear her come in, Ash?
182
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:49,160
No because we were all talking
so loudly.
183
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:52,240
Yes, we were all talking
so loudly we didn't hear a thing.
184
00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,680
I don't care if you all know.
185
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:01,880
I brought a cake
but he ate it in the taxi.
186
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,800
I'm sorry, Vi.
187
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,000
It's all right, darling.
188
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,280
The important thing
is we're all together.
189
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,120
That's right.
190
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:15,880
We're here for you.
191
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,840
Whatever you need.
192
00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:20,960
Thank you, darling.
Could I maybe stay the night?
193
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,720
No.
194
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,440
Now who would like a drink?
I'd love a drink.
195
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:28,840
Really? Because I don't
smell anything cooking.
196
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:30,880
Oh, right.
197
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:35,400
Ash offered to cook us all dinner
and then wash everything up
198
00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:38,560
and also do our laundry for a week.
199
00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:41,720
Isn't that wonderful?
200
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,760
Well, I didn't really offer...
201
00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:47,920
Happy to do it.
202
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:56,040
Oh, Freddie, I wish I could have
seen you playing Father Christmas.
203
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:58,280
The children must have adored you.
204
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,920
Not really.
205
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,840
The nuances of my performance
went way over their heads.
206
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:11,560
I blame the parents.
207
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,840
I mean, what are they teaching
these children?
208
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:17,640
That Father Christmas
just magically shows up and delivers
209
00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:19,960
all these presents every year?
210
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:23,040
Yes, he's Father Christmas.
That's what he does.
211
00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:27,440
How's the dinner coming on, Ash?
Almost ready.
212
00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:29,520
Should be just another three hours.
213
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:33,240
Three hours? What the hell
are you doing in there?
214
00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:35,120
I'm following my mum's recipe.
215
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:40,080
And does it involve running over the
turkey and getting sent to prison?
216
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:43,080
Because we want to eat today.
217
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,640
I'm sorry it's taking so long.
218
00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:48,280
Oh, no, don't feel badly, Ash.
219
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:50,800
It's just so lovely
you're doing all this for us.
220
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,960
You take as long as you need.
You really mean that?
221
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,960
Yes, of course I do.
222
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:58,720
Yeah, I've an idea.
223
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:01,760
While we're waiting,
why don't we all play a game?
224
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:03,480
I don't want to play.
225
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:06,360
Oh, come on, it will be fun.
No.
226
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,240
Where's your Christmas spirit?
I said no.
227
00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:11,280
Oh, come on, Freddie.
228
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:13,080
Leave me alone.
Look.
229
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:17,960
It's bad enough we have to wait for that little shit
to finish God knows what he's doing in the kitchen.
230
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:24,400
So, you're going to sit there
and you're going to play a game
231
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,720
because it's bloody Christmas!
232
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:29,640
I'm frightened.
233
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,520
I thought he said it was OK
that it was taking so long.
234
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:37,800
Yes, of course it is, dear.
235
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:41,480
Well, I think a game
is a fantastic idea.
236
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,920
What about strip poker?
237
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,760
Oh, no, thank you.
238
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:49,640
There's not one body part in this room that
ever needs to be seen in daylight again.
239
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,400
Well, maybe one body part.
240
00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,200
I was talking about your penis.
241
00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,360
Was that clear?
242
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,600
Yes.
Good.
243
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:09,760
Well, I was thinking
about truth or dare.
244
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:13,080
You can always learn something new
about people playing truth or dare.
245
00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:14,920
I love truth or dare.
246
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:17,040
We used to play it all the time
when I was a kid.
247
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:19,200
That's how my dad ended up
robbing Dominos.
248
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:23,320
I don't want to hear any more
about your family today.
249
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:27,560
Violet, why don't you go first?
Ooh, one second.
250
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,400
All set.
251
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,360
Truth or dare?
Dare.
252
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:50,880
I don't know
what it is she wouldn't do.
253
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,320
Can I get back to you on this?
254
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,120
Of course, darling.
255
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:59,040
Ash, would you like to go next?
Sure.
256
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,840
Truth or dare?
Truth.
257
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:04,040
Is there something burning
in the kitchen?
258
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:08,600
Gosh, that's a bit
of a weird question.
259
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,880
I don't know...
260
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:18,400
(SIGHS) Too bad.
261
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,240
I already had a dare
picked out for him.
262
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,720
If I don't get to eat
something soon,
263
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:34,560
I'm going to kill somebody.
264
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:37,600
But not really though, right?
265
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:43,840
How's it going in there, Ash?
266
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:46,320
Everything is under control now,
thanks.
267
00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:50,600
OK, Baltasar, I have to take the
turkey out of the oven in one minute
268
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,480
and the potatoes are a bit burnt
but I think they're OK.
269
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,560
Do you want a taste?
270
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,720
Yum, right?
271
00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,920
What's the matter?
272
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:02,200
Oh, God. Oh, no.
273
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:04,200
Swallow, swallow it!
274
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,200
Is it too dry?
275
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:08,840
Water. I need water.
276
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:16,360
Are you sure you're all right
in there?
277
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:19,040
Er, yes, fine!
278
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:24,600
Thank God.
You scared me, you little piece of ...
279
00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:26,360
Almost ready!
280
00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:29,160
I just have to take the turkey
out of the oven.
281
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,440
Ah, yay!
282
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:41,160
Do you need any help, darling?
283
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,240
Oh, God. What am I going to do, Vi?
284
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:47,480
Everything was perfect and I ruined
it. I ruined Christmas dinner.
285
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,680
Stupid, stupid Ash, what have
you done? You ruin everything!
286
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,280
Thank you. That really...
287
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,360
Shit, lady, that hurt!
288
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,240
Where is Mason anyway?
289
00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:00,240
He should be here by now.
290
00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:03,240
Usually cats just come and go
as they please.
291
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:06,560
Try opening a tin.
292
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,080
What?
293
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,240
Well? Is he all right?
294
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,040
Yes, everything is fine.
295
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,960
He'll just need a few more minutes,
that's all.
296
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:23,560
Let's continue with the game.
297
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,160
Stuart, why don't you go next?
298
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,640
Me? Really?
299
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:31,200
Oh, I don't know what to say.
300
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,360
But if everybody thinks I should,
I will.
301
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,200
But, er -
302
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:38,280
Stop acting like you
just won the X Factor.
303
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,200
Truth or dare?
304
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,040
Truth.
305
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,080
Oh, I'm so excited.
306
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:47,200
Relax.
307
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:52,880
You'll have to excuse Stuart. This is the first time
anyone has asked him a question in over 50 years.
308
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,120
Oh, I've got a good question.
309
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,760
Tell us, Stuart,
have you ever had sex with a woman?
310
00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,760
Sex with a woman?
311
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:07,240
How could he have accomplished that?
312
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:11,040
A team of scientists working around
the clock couldn't devise a pill
313
00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:13,080
strong enough to make that happen.
314
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,000
Can I change my go to dare?
315
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:22,200
No, you have to answer the question.
316
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:24,440
What the hell are you
stalling for, Stuart?
317
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:28,160
The only woman you shared your bed with
was your mother until you were 13.
318
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:31,960
I'll answer it for him. No.
319
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:34,120
Yes.
320
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:35,920
I have.
321
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,960
I don't believe you.
322
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:41,040
It's true. You're lying.
No, he isn't.
323
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:11,520
And how would you know?
324
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,760
Because it was with me.
325
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:19,440
Well, I guess Stuart was right,
326
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:22,000
there was something new
to learn about each other.
327
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,760
New and revolting.
328
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:30,200
It's like two stuffed teddy bears
going at it.
329
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:34,720
Doesn't even seem
physiologically possible.
330
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,520
Well, it was. Believe me.
331
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:42,800
Well, I don't understand. How?
332
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:46,720
Well, the brain sends signals
which cause the blood vessels -
333
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,760
I know how!
I'm not talking to you anymore.
334
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:53,480
I don't see why you're getting
so upset. It was ages ago.
335
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:55,760
We were both young and attractive.
336
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:59,120
And I was still confused
about my sexuality.
337
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:00,920
Confused?
338
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:04,960
Your hip swished so much,
I thought you were a Samba dancer.
339
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,240
Look, you and I had just met.
340
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,360
Penelope was single
and it was only one night.
341
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,120
Two nights.
342
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:24,160
Why is your memory so vivid
all of a sudden?
343
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,320
Anyway, let's continue with the game.
344
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:29,800
There's nothing to be done
about it now anyway.
345
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:32,120
I could even the score,
you slept with Penelope,
346
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:33,920
I should sleep with Violet.
347
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,880
Oh, that is insane.
348
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:39,000
I slept with Penelope 50 years ago
349
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,040
so you're going to sleep with Violet?
350
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,320
Isn't that insanity, Violet?
351
00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:45,640
Violet?
352
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,000
I'm warning you, Freddie.
353
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:54,920
I can be very loud.
354
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:01,320
For God's sake, Violet.
Get down from there.
355
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:03,280
Nobody wants to sleep with you.
356
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,440
No, I was just making a point.
357
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:10,400
I know that.
I was making a point too.
358
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:13,520
What was your point?
I don't know.
359
00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:16,880
I didn't think there would
be a follow-up question.
360
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:21,560
All right, it's your turn now,
Freddie.
361
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,960
Oh, we're not still playing
this game.
362
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,160
Oh, yes we are.
You still haven't gone yet.
363
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,960
I don't want to play.
364
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:31,480
Yeah, well, you're going to. These
are the rules. You have to play.
365
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:33,480
Fine.
366
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,280
Truth or dare, Freddie?
Dare.
367
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:40,200
Dress up as Father Christmas and
then have everyone sit on your lap.
368
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,560
What?
369
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:51,160
That was going to be my dare
for Ash.
370
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,720
I'll do it.
371
00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:57,080
Finally, I get to perform my Father
Christmas for an adult audience
372
00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:59,680
instead of wasting it
on those idiot five-year-olds.
373
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:04,960
I must warn you,
it's a very layered performance.
374
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,120
So you might not get everything
right away.
375
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:10,040
Oh, just shut up
and put the whiskers on.
376
00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:15,680
And then you'll all sit on my lap.
Except you.
377
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:21,040
My husband died on Christmas Day
and it was more enjoyable than this.
378
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,400
Ash, what are you doing? Ash?
Oh, Vi, thank God.
379
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:31,840
I put everything back together but
then I noticed Baltasar was missing.
380
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:33,600
I think he ate
some of the mince pies
381
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,920
and the sugar gave him
this crazy burst of energy
382
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:37,960
or something because now he's gone.
383
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,040
Ow.
384
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,400
What's going on in here?
Please don't hit me.
385
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:47,200
It seems Baltasar ate
some mince pies and ran off.
386
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:49,640
But I saved the dinner. See?
387
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:54,240
He has run off but he hasn't moved
in his tiny wheelchair in two years.
388
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,080
Where did he go?
389
00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:59,280
Do we know anybody
who has a dog?
390
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,080
Where is he?
391
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:05,120
I don't know,
he was moving very quickly.
392
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:06,920
There he is.
393
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:10,000
Ho, ho, ho. Mer...
394
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:14,720
I knew I should have cooked.
395
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:22,160
Well, sandwiches.
396
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:26,400
That's nice, Ash.
397
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,360
I'm not at all upset.
398
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:32,440
How's the back doing?
399
00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:36,320
It's OK. I'm just glad
I was able to break Freddie's fall.
400
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:38,040
Yes.
401
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:39,800
Have I thanked you for that?
402
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,840
No.
Oh.
403
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:47,000
Are you sure you're all right,
darling?
404
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:49,040
Yeah, it only hurts when I move.
405
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:52,640
Poor thing. Here.
406
00:22:55,120 --> 00:22:56,880
It's OK.
407
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:59,440
I'm a licensed massage therapist.
408
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:04,600
That actually feels great.
409
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,040
See? I can also be gentle.
410
00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:13,720
If you take your shirt off,
I can really get in there.
411
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:20,240
Baltasar is probably
going to be sleeping
412
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:23,200
for quite a few... well, forever.
413
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:26,440
Are you all right, Freddie?
414
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:30,880
I was just thinking
how grateful I am
415
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,560
that we're all here together today.
416
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:38,360
We might have our differences
but we'll always be family.
417
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,880
What a beautiful thing to say.
418
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,280
And I truly meant it, Penelope.
419
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,040
Even though you're a huge slag.
420
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:52,880
Thank you.
421
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,640
Yes, we all have each other.
422
00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:00,400
That's the important thing.
423
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:05,120
You know the reason why I think
I haven't met the right person yet
424
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:08,280
is because I've been looking
for my very own Freddie
425
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:10,360
or Stuart my whole life.
426
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:12,160
Aww, Vi.
427
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:16,040
Please don't compare
your filthy relationships with ours.
428
00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:25,000
I couldn't live without him.
Aw.
429
00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:29,000
You won't need to. You'll
definitely be one of those couples
430
00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:31,200
who die one right after the other.
431
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,760
I thought Mason
was coming too today.
432
00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:36,920
Well, yes, he was supposed to.
433
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:38,640
I have no idea what has happened.
434
00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:40,440
Stuart.
435
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:43,240
All those years ago when we...
436
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:47,000
Did you know even then
that you were...
437
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:49,280
Oh, God, yes.
438
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,560
I had to pretend
you were Gregory Peck.
439
00:24:56,680 --> 00:25:00,200
Well, how flattering
because I've always liked him.
440
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:08,000
Oh, let the machine answer.
441
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,440
'Hello, Freddie, Stuart?
442
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,200
It's Mason. Are you there?
443
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:20,240
Penelope was supposed to pick me up
but she never came by.
444
00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:22,440
Is everything all right?
445
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,680
Wait.
446
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:27,440
Are you all sitting there
listening to this message?
447
00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:29,880
Oh, God. You are, aren't you?
448
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:32,520
You're awful, awful people.
449
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:35,280
Merry Christmas, arseholes.'
450
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:40,720
Oh, that was nice of him to call.
33508
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