All language subtitles for Salt.and.Pepper.1968.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-PLiSSKEN

YOU'RE GUILTY, I SAY.
GUILTY!

I WAS THERE TONIGHT.

I SAW THE BODY.
AND I SAW IT FALL.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A HARD TIME
MAKING THIS STICK, INSPECTOR.

ALL RIGHT, SO THE STRAP BROKE
AND IT FELL OFF.

IT'S NOT OUR FAULT
OR THE GIRL'S.

5 MURDERS IN LONDON,
RIGHT, IN A WEEK,

AND HE'S WORRIED
ABOUT A BROKEN G-STRING.

NOT IN MY PARISH!

NONE OF THOSE MURDERS
HAPPENED IN SOHO.

THAT'S ALL I CARE ABOUT.

SO JUST YOU KEEP THAT FILTHY
SEWER OF YOURS CLEAN.

WE RUN A LEGITIMATE SEWER!
A CLUB!

LEGITIMATE?
THE SALT & PEPPER CLUB? HA!

WHERE DID YOU GET
THE CAPITAL TO START IT, EH?

THAT'S A LIE.CLUB!

IT'S MORE LIKE A HAVEN
FOR HALF-NUDE HARPIES!

OH, NOW, INSPECTOR,
THINK OF IT
MORE AS A MISSION.

WE'VE GIVEN
THOSE GIRLS A HOME.

THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH
OF YOUR CHEEK, MR. SALT!

I'M PEPPER, HE'S SALT.

ODD.ISN'T IT?

QUIET! ONE MORE INFRACTION
AND YOU'VE HAD IT.

I'LL HAVE THAT
CLUB OF YOURS CLOSED

AND YOU TWO BEAUTIES
ON THE INSIDE. CLEAR?

INSPECTOR,

WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT AGAINST US, HUH?

WHAT HAVE I GOT
AGAINST YOU?YEAH.

YOU? YEAH.

WELL, LOOK AT YOU.
YOUR HAIR ALL DOWN,

AND YOU'RE WEARING
THAT FUNNY DRESS.

WHY AREN'T YOU AT HOME
STARTING A RIOT, EH?

AND WHAT ARE YOU
DOING WITH HIM, EH?

I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR FATHER
BEING A LORD, YOU KNOW.

EVERYONE IN LONDON KNOWS
THAT YOU'RE THE BLACK SHEEP.

HERE, HERE.

I BEG YOUR PARDON, LAD.
NOTHING PERSONAL.

I EXPECT YOU'VE HEARD
OF UNSCRUPULOUS
POLICE METHODS.

BUT ALMOST ALL SUCH STORIES
ARE UNTRUE.

ONLY IN VERY
EXCEPTIONAL CASES
DO SUCH OFFICERS EXIST.

AND I AM ONE OF THEM!

TO ME, EVERYONE IN SOHO
IS GUILTY UNLESS
HE IS PROVED INNOCENT!

I SHALL BULLY,
BROWBEAT, BLACKMAIL,

BEND EVERY RULE,
LIE IN THE WITNESS BOX,
AND DO ANYTHING

TO MAKE SURE
THAT THE POLICE PREVAIL!

IS THAT CLEAR?

MAKES YOU WANT TO JOIN UP,
DOESN'T HE?

NOW GET OUT!

MAY I HAVE THIS?
IT'S PART OF A MATCHING SET.

OUT!

THAT WAS CLOSE.

NOW THE ONLY THING
WE HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT
IS INSP. CRABBE.

OH, THAT'S NO PROBLEM.
WE'LL JUST HAVE
A NIGHTLY G-STRING CHECK.

WELL,
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.

YES, YOU ARE ABOUT
THE RIGHT HEIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
BY THAT?

HI, BILL.

HELLO, CHARLIE.
HELLO, CHRIS.

SEE THAT THIS
GETS HOME, WILL YOU?

OH, SURE.

ANY MESSAGES?

CHARLIE, YOU KNOW
NO ONE EVER CALLS YOU.

A VERY GOOD GROUP
IN TONIGHT.

LORD SILVERSTONE,
AND MR. FISHER
WITH A PARTY OF 8.

HMM. THERE.

LOOK THERE.

THE IMMOVABLE OBJECT
IS BACK.

AND I BET YOU $1,
OLD BUDDY OF MINE,

THAT YOU DON'T MAKE IT
WITH THAT LADY.

MAKE IT 5 POUNDS.

HI, CHRIS.
HOW ABOUT OUR DATE TONIGHT?

GO CHECK IN.

GOOD EVENING.

OH, MR. PEPPER, ISN'T IT?

NICE OF YOU
TO COME IN AGAIN.

WELL, WE FIND
YOUR PARTNER'S ACT SO AMUSING.

OH, IS THAT
THE ONLY REASON?

NO. THE FOOD'S GOOD,
AND THE ATMOSPHERE
IS MARVELOUSLY DECADENT.

IT'S EVEN BETTER
IN MY APARTMENT.

PERHAPS WE COULD
HAVE A DRINK LATER.

MR. PEPPER, IT'S VERY BORING
BEING CHASED AROUND A SOFA.

SUPPOSE I GIVE YOU
A HEAD START?

YOU'RE A VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN.

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO TELL YOU.

DO YOU MIND?NO.

THANK YOU.
CHEERS.

CHEERS.

BUT I'M SURE
YOU'D DO ALMOST BETTER
WITH ANY OTHER WOMAN.

OR DO YOU, UH,
THRIVE ON REJECTION?

OH, CHARLES.DARLING.

MR. PEPPER,
THIS IS LORD PONSONBY.

MR. PEPPER.HOW DO YOU DO?

AND THIS IS MR. SALT,
WHO IS THE REASON
WE COME TO THE CLUB.

HE IS?

HE IS.

THIS WAY, DARLING.

GIVE ME THE MONEY.

ALL RIGHT.

THAT LADY STAYS AROUND
LONG ENOUGH,
I'M GONNA RETIRE A RICH MAN.

MR. SALT, MR. SALT, PLEASE,
YOU'RE LATE AGAIN.

IT IS REALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
EVERYBODY IS WAITING.

TA, TA, TA, TA, SHH,
LET ME SEE. AM I LATE?

YOU ARE LATE.

WHY ARE YOU KEEPING ME HERE,
TALKING TO ME,

WHEN I SHOULD BE
ON THE STAGE?

SAY, JANICE,
I WAS WONDERING.

A FEW OF THE KIDS
ARE GETTING TOGETHER
AFTER THE SHOW. I THOUGHT--

CHARLIE, I HAVE A DATE.

OH, YOU HAVE A DATE.
MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME.

JILL, DO YOU THINK
IT'S POSSIBLE IF WE ALL
GET TOGETHER,

MAYBE WE COULD HAVE--

MY FELLA
WOULDN'T LIKE IT.

YOUR FELLA?MMM-HMM.

THAT'S THE BIG GUY,
THAT'S THE BOXER.

I DON'T THINK
HE'D BE TOO THRILLED.

NO.

THANK YOU,
AND GOOD EVENING. I...

THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU, VERY, VERY MUCH.

I WAS... NO,
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT,
ANYWAY.

MAY I WELCOME YOU,
FIRST OF ALL?

MY--MY NAME IS--
IS CHARLES SALT
AND I OWN HALF OF THIS.

I THINK THIS IS
ABOUT THE HALF I OWN.

WE'LL DO A LITTLE THING HERE.
HERE WE GO.

CAN I BORROW THIS?

DON'T LEAVE,
WE'RE INTEGRATED!

NO SERVING
WHILE I'M ON, PLEASE!

PSST, PSST, I WANT YOUR NAME,
AND THEN YOUR RANK,
AND OUT!

ARE YOU SURE
YOU CAN SEE WELL ENOUGH
FROM THERE?

VERY WELL,
THANK YOU.

LET'S GET A LITTLE
SOMETHING GOING ON HERE!

AH, READY?
LET'S GO.

SOMETHING TO REPORT,
MR. RACK?

MAI LING IS DEAD, SIR.

WELL DONE.

BUT, UH, COL. WOODSTOCK...MMM?

I--I HAD TO LEAVE HER BODY
IN THE CLUB, SIR.

OH, NOT TO WORRY.
DID YOU FIND ANYTHING ON HER?

ONLY THIS.AH.

IT HAD BEEN FIRED,
AND STRAW HAS DISAPPEARED.

NEVER SAW HIM
AFTER WE SPLIT UP
AT THE SALT & PEPPER CLUB.

I SEE.

WELL, THAT IS A LOOSE END,
MR. RACK.

I DO NOT CONDONE LOOSE ENDS.

NO, SIR.

I SUGGEST THAT YOU
CHECK BACK THERE IMMEDIATELY.

UH-OH.

HI, THERE.
YOU WAITING FOR CHARLIE?

HOLY LOCH...

OH, NO, SWEETHEART,
THOSE ARE CARNATIONS,
NOT HOLLYHOCKS.

JUNE 3.

JUNE 3? YEAH, I'M SURE
THAT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

I'M FREE, I THINK.

IF IT'S OK WITH CHARLIE.

WHATEVER YOU'RE ON,
IT'S WORKING, ISN'T IT?

WELL, WELL, WELL,
ARE YOU BUSY?

NO. NONE OF THAT. NO.
SHE'S OUT OF IT.
SHE'S GROOVING.

I FOUND HER HERE
ON YOUR CARPET.

HEY, DO YOU THINK
MAYBE SOMEBODY
SENT US A GOODY?

OH, WE'LL HAVE TO
SEND HER BACK UNOPENED.

THIS GIRL IS REALLY
OUT OF IT.

I WONDER WHO SHE IS.

I DON'T KNOW.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

"MAI LING,
21, CADOGAN CLOISTERS,
CHELSEA."

TAKE MY ADVICE,
CALL THE LIMOUSINE SERVICE.

HOME.HOME.

GOOD EVENING, SIR.

WHO HIRED THE NEW GIRL?

WHO ELSE?

BIG SPENDER.

MORE CHIPS.

IT'S MY TABLE.
IT'S ALL MINE.

HIT ME.

HIT ME.

HIT ME.

BUT--BUT SIR,
YOU'VE GONE OVER.

HIT ME!

HIT ME!

BUT, SIR, UH...

HIT ME!BUT--BUT, SIR--

HIT ME.

HIT ME.

HIT ME.

I JUST GOT A HELL OF AN IDEA
TO SAVE SOME MONEY
AROUND HERE.

HOW?

WITH DEALERS LIKE THAT,
WHO NEEDS CARDS?

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

WHY SHE KEEPS GIVING ME
A HARD TIME.

I KNOW THAT
SHE LIKES ME.

THIS IS SOMETHING
YOU DON'T IMAGINE.

BUT, CHRIS, YOU CAN IMAGINE
ANYTHING YOU WANT TO!

I IMAGINED
THAT I SAW A DEAD BODY
IN MY CLOSET TONIGHT.

WHY? BECAUSE I'M
ALLERGIC TO BODIES.

I MEAN, I COULD BE CURED.

I CAN SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

INSP. CRABBE IS HERE,
IN YOUR ROOM.

WHAT? A G-STRING?

NO. NOT THIS TIME.

OH, HAPPY HOUR AGAIN.

EXCUSE ME, MADAM.

A REMARKABLE LIKENESS.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO SIGN IT?

WAS A CHINESE CALL-GIRL
CALLED MAI LING HERE TONIGHT?

WHAT DID SHE
LOOK LIKE?

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT A CHINESE
CALL-GIRL TO LOOK LIKE?
WAS SHE HERE?

YES, BUT WE GOT RID OF HER.

YOU ADMIT IT?

SHE WAS STONED.STABBED.

WHAT?IN THE BACK.

MURDER?THE VERY WORD.

PRECISELY.

WHO DID IT?ANY LEADS?

WELL, I'M HERE,
AREN'T I?

OH, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE,
INSPECTOR. I GO ALONG--

SHE ARRIVED HOME DEAD
IN ONE OF YOUR CARS.

D-D-DON'T LOOK AT ME.
SHE WAS FINE
WHEN SHE WAS HERE.

DEFINE "FINE," MR. PEPPER.

WELL, SHE REMARKED
ABOUT THOSE FLOWERS.
AND, UH...

OH, YEAH.
SHE MADE A DATE WITH ME.

COMMENTED ON
THE FLORAL DECORATIONS,
AND MADE AN ASSIGNATION

WHILE BLEEDING
TO DEATH!

I REPEAT, INSPECTOR,
SHE WAS FINE.

STONED, BUT FINE.

WALKIN' ABOUT
QUITE HAPPILY, EH?

NO, LYING ABOUT QUITE HAPPILY,
AS IT HAPPENED.

AS WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, SHE WAS LYING
ON THIS RUG...

WELL, PEOPLE OFTEN...

NO, THEY DON'T.

ON THIS CARPET, EH?

OH, WAIT A MINUTE,
HOLD ON.

INSPECTOR, IF MY PARTNER
SAYS HE'S INNOCENT,
HE'S INNOCENT!

AND REMEMBER,
I HAVE FRIENDS
IN HIGH PLACES!

SO YOU BETTER
LAY OFF OF HIM,
BECAUSE YOU'LL BE BACK

POUNDING A BEAT
IN BLACKPOOL!

IF YOU'D ONLY
KEPT YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

EXAMINED THE KNIFE?

YES, SIR.

FINGERPRINTS?

YES, SIR.

WHOSE?

MINE, SIR.

BLOOD?

YES, SIR.

HERS?

YOURS, SIR.

YOURS, SIR.

DO YOU FIND MURDER HUMOROUS,
MR. SALT?

NOBODY FINDS MURDER HUMOROUS,
INSPECTOR.

BUT USE YOUR HEAD.
DO YOU THINK WE'D KILL SOMEONE

AND PUT THEM IN OUR CAR
TO SEND THEM HOME?

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU THINK, MR. PEPPER.

BUT I SHALL FIND OUT.

SOONER OR LATER
I SHALL FIND OUT,
IN MY OWN SWEET WAY.

OUT!

WHICH ONLY GOES TO PROVE
THE HAND IS STILL QUICKER
THAN THE EYE, SIR.

INSP. CRABBE'S COMPLIMENTS,
GENTLEMEN.

HE INSISTS WE DRIVE YOU
BACK TO YOUR CLUB.

NO, WE'D MUCH RATHER WALK.
WE'RE ONLY A BLOCK AWAY.

LOOK, WE CAN WALK.

WHAT IS THIS?
WE DON'T HAVE TO--

HEY, CHRIS.

WAKE UP,
SLEEPING BEAUTY.

WHERE ARE WE?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT A SHOT I GOT.

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

WHAT?

DID YOU KILL THAT GIRL?

ARE YOU MAD?

WELL, IT IS
ALL YOUR FAULT,
YOU KNOW.

WHAT IS MY FAULT?

WE COULD HAVE BEEN
IN CHICAGO NOW

IN A NICE SWINGING
LITTLE CLUB, BUT NO,

YOU SAID, LET'S OPEN A CLUB
IN BEAUTIFUL, QUIET, SEDATE,
SUPER LONDON.

SO WHAT HAPPENS?

WE GOT A SWINGING CLUB
AND A DEAD CHINESE CALL GIRL,

AND ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.

YOU HIT ONE BENT COP.

OH, NO, NO, NO,
I DIDN'T HIT HIM.
HE HIT ME.

AND YOU KNOW
SOMETHIN' ELSE?

IT'S THE FIRST TIME
I'VE EVER BEEN INNOCENT,

AND I CAN'T TAKE IT
LYING DOWN!

I'M GONNA GET OUT OF HERE.

HELP! HEY!

CAN YOU HOLD IT DOWN
JUST A LITTLE?

THERE'S GOTTA BE
A WAY OUT OF HERE.

HA, HA, HA.

HEY, CHRIS,
I SAW A MOVIE ONCE

WHERE 2 GUYS WERE
IN A CELLAR LIKE THIS

AND THE GUY GOT OUT BY
BUSTIN' DOWN THE DOOR, RIGHT.
WITH KARATE.

NOW I'LL SEE
IF MY KARATE LESSONS PAY OFF.

JUST WATCH.

GET US A LAWYER!
WE WANT A LAWYER!

CHRISTOPHER PEPPER
AND CHARLES SALT, I BELIEVE.

UM, I'M SALT,
HE'S PEPPER.

I SEE.

FIRST OF ALL, IT WASN'T
THE POLICE WHO
BROUGHT YOU HERE, IT WAS ME.

AND WHO ARE YOU?

THE NAME IS BALSOM.
COL. BALSOM.

I APOLOGIZE
FOR THE ROUGH TREATMENT.

BUT I HAD TO MAKE SURE
YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO
WITH THE DEATH OF MAI LING.

BY BASHING US
OVER THE HEAD, HUH?

NO, BY LISTENING IN
TO YOUR CONVERSATION.

NOW YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IT,

BUT MAI LING WAS AN ABSOLUTELY
FIRST-CLASS LITTLE OPERATOR.

SHE WAS A CALL GIRL,
THE POLICE TOLD US.

SHE WAS ALSO
A BRITISH INTELLIGENCE AGENT.

BRITISH INTELLIGENCE?

NOW, NORMALLY I WOULDN'T COME
INTO THE OPEN LIKE THIS,

BUT I BELIEVE SHE WAS KILLED
BECAUSE SHE HAD
VITAL INFORMATION.

THE POINT IS,
DID MAI LING SAY ANYTHING
BEFORE SHE DIED?

ANYTHING AT ALL?

WELL, YOU WERE WITH HER.

WELL, ALL I CAN REMEMBER,
SHE POINTED TO SOME CARNATIONS

AND SHE SAID HYACINTHS,
AND THEN MADE A DATE WITH ME.

NO, IT CAN'T BE.

ALMOST CERTAINLY
SHE WAS TRYING
TO GET SOME MESSAGE ACROSS.

SO YOU MUST
REMEMBER IT EXACTLY.

WELL, I CAN'T.
WHAT'S LEFT OF MY HEAD
IS SPLITTING.

WESTON.SIR?

BRING IN A BOTTLE
OF SCOTCH.SIR.

I CAN'T OVERSTRESS
HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS.

I'VE GOT IT.

YEAH?

SHE POINTED TO SOME FLOWERS
AND SHE SAID, "HOLLYHOCKS."

DAMN IT, MAN!
SHE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
THINKING OF FLOWERS!

SIR.
WHISKEY, SIR.

THIS WILL CLEAR YOUR HEAD.

CHEERS.

AREN'T YOU GONNA
JOIN US, COLONEL?

I HAVE AN ULCER.

HE HAS AN ULCER.
SO DO WE.

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE,
YOU DON'T THINK IT'S DOPED,
DO YOU?

HERE.

THERE YOU ARE.

THANKS, CHUM.

THAT IS DEFINITELY
WHAT THE MAN SAID, SIR.

2 UNIFORMED POLICEMEN
KNOCKED THEM UNCONSCIOUS,

DRAGGED THEM INTO A CAR,
AND THEN DROVE OFF.

IF THIS IS THE SPECIAL BRANCH
TREADIN' ON MY CORNS,

I'LL HAVE THEIR GUTS
FOR GARTERS!

YES?

GET ME THE COMMISSIONER.

BROUGHT THE WRONG BOTTLE,
DIDN'T YOU, WESTON?

SIR, I MUST HAVE MIXED--

YOU KNOW THAT JOB IN RED CHINA
THAT NOBODY WANTED?

SIR!

WELL, I HOPE YOU KNOW
HOW TO USE CHOPSTICKS!

SIR!

DISMISSED!

SIR.

I WON'T DETAIN YOU
ANY LONGER.

BUT YOU CAN HELP
BY TRYING TO REMEMBER
WHAT MAI LING SAID

AND BY SEARCHING
FOR ANY CLUES OR MESSAGES
SHE MAY HAVE LEFT BEHIND.

COLONEL. COLONEL,
LET'S GET ONE THING
STRAIGHT NOW, HUH?

WE DON'T WANT TO GET MIXED UP
IN THIS THING.

I CAN GIVE YOU 4 GOOD REASONS
WHY WE DON'T WANT
TO GET MIXED UP IN THIS THING.

1: IT AIN'T
ANY OF OUR BUSINESS!

2: WE'RE NIGHTCLUB OPERATORS.

3: IF YOU WANT SECRET AGENTS,
THEN GO GET JAMES BOND

OR THOSE 2 GUYS ON TELEVISION,
THE ONE THAT PLAYS TENNIS,
YOU KNOW?

4: OUR DANCE CARD IS FILLED!

SO, CIAO, COLONEL!
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU MAY BE MIXED UP
IN THIS ALREADY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
BY THAT?

IF THE OTHER SIDE THINKS
MAI LING TALKED TO YOU.

RING THIS NUMBER
IF ANYTHING CROPS UP.

THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT
WOULDN'T BE OFFERING
50,000 POUNDS REWARD

TO ANYONE
WHO CRACKS THIS THING

UNLESS IT FELT
ITS VERY EXISTENCE
WAS AT STAKE.

EXISTENCE?

50?

YOU MEAN $150,000?

YES.

UH, COLONEL, SIR,

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT
$150,000 GOES TO ANYONE
WHO CRACKS THIS THING?

ANYONE.

THIS IS URGENT,
GENTLEMEN.

MAI LING WAS MY 6TH AGENT
MURDERED IN THE LAST 2 WEEKS.

YOU MEAN 1, 2,

3, 4, 5--

6!

WELL, AS I ALWAYS SAY,
COLONEL,

BETTER TO LIVE POOR
THAN TO DIE RICH.

FINALLY, PRIME MINISTER,

I HAVE TO REPORT
THAT THE POLARIS CREW
TRAINING PROGRAM

IS WELL UP TO SCHEDULE.

THANK YOU.

WELL, I THINK WE ALL FIND
THE FIRST SEA LORD'S REPORT
MOST ENCOURAGING.

WHAT'S NEXT?

AH, YES.
UH, HOME SECRETARY.

PRIME MINISTER,
I HAVE TO REPORT
THAT INTELLIGENCE AGENT 02,

OTHERWISE KNOWN AS MAI LING,

WAS TONIGHT KILLED
IN THE SALT & PEPPER CLUB,
SOHO.

ORDER, GENTLEMEN, PLEASE.

CARRY ON, HOME SECRETARY.

THERE IS A LIKELIHOOD THAT
THIS AGENT WAS IN POSSESSION
OF IMPORTANT INFORMATION.

DID SHE HAVE TIME
TO SAY ANYTHING
BEFORE SHE DIED?

I THINK NOT,
PRIME MINISTER.

THE MATTER IS, OF COURSE,
BEING MOST URGENTLY
INVESTIGATED.

YES, I LIKE
THE WAY YOU SING

MMM, I DIG
THE WAY YOU SWING

AND I LIKE
THE WAY YOU MOVE

YOU KNOW I DIG
THE WAY YOU GROOVE

WHEN YOU STAND STILL
MY WORLD GETS HAZY

WHEN YOU START TO MOVE
YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY

WOW, I LIKE
THE WAY YOU WALK

YEAH, I DIG
THE WAY YOU TALK

YES, I DIG
THE WAY YOU GROOVE

AND I LIKE
THE WAY YOU MOVE

BUT WHEN I SAY STOP
I DON'T MEAN MAYBE

WHEN I SAY GO
SOCK IT TO ME, BABY

WOW, I LIKE
THE WAY YOU DANCE

OH

NOW STOP

GO!

GO, BLIMEY!

OH, SOCK IT ME, BABY

SOCK IT, SOCK IT,
SOCK IT TO ME, BABY

OH, I DIG
THE WAY YOU GROOVE

AND I DIG THE WAY YOU MOVE

OH, YEAH

BRING IT ON DOWN

BRING IT ON DOWN

SOCK IT TO ME, BABY

OH, BRING IT ALL UP

YEAH, SOCK IT TO ME, BABY

OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

OH, OH, YEAH

OH, YEAH

BRING IT ON HOME

SOCK IT TO ME, BABY

COL. WOODSTOCK?

YES, MR. RACK?

I LOCATED STRAW.

HE'S DEAD,
IN SALT'S DRESSING ROOM.

THERE IT IS,
YOU BEAUTIFUL BIRD, YOU!

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

PEPPER! PEPPER!
PEPPER!

WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

HE'S DEAD,
TOP TO BOTTOM.

THAT'S THE SAME GUY
I SAW IN MY CLOSET.
I WASN'T IMAGINING THINGS.

HOW DID HE GET
IN THE BATHROOM?

MAYBE HE WASN'T
FEELING WELL!

COME ON, HELP ME
GET HIM OUT.NOT ME!

OH, HE'S ABOUT AS DEAD
AS THEY COME.

2 IN ONE NIGHT.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I TELL YOU ONE THING.
WE--

HELLO, INSPECTOR!

INSPECTOR.

EXCUSE ME.

WHERE DID YOU GO
AFTER LEAVING MY OFFICE?

WHY?

NO, HE--HE GAVE THEM UP,
REMEMBER?

I RECEIVED A REPORT
THAT YOU WERE SEEN

KIDNAPPED BY 2 MEN
IN POLICE UNIFORM.

OH, NO, INSPECTOR.
WE--WE JUST WENT
FOR A LITTLE WALK.

COME ON, NOW.
WHAT IS IT?

TROUBLE WITH
THE PROTECTION BOYS, EH?

NO, NO, NO,
NOTHING LIKE THAT.

HERE, WHO IS THIS?

WELL, HE'S A SILENT PARTNER.

SOMETHING IS GOING ON
AROUND HERE.

BUT BE WARNED!

I DON'T MISS MUCH,
YOU KNOW, LADS.

I'M SORRY TO HAVE INTERRUPTED
WHATEVER IT WAS
YOU WERE HATCHING.

I'VE JUST PASSED SCARED
AND I'VE MOVED INTO TERROR.

LET'S CALL COL. BALSOM, HUH?

NO. REMEMBER WE
DECIDED TO LIVE?THAT'S RIGHT.

COME ON, WE GOTTA
FIND SMILEY A NEW HOME.

MAY WE HAVE YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS, SIR?

NEVER MIND MY NAME.
CHECK THE SALT & PEPPER CLUB.
RIGHT?

IN SALT'S DRESSING ROOM.

HE'LL ENJOY THIS TRIP.

OK, BUDDY-BOY, YOU SLEEP
IN THE TOURIST COACH.

YES, YOU HAD A NICE TIME.

HERE WE ARE.

HERE WE ARE!COME ON.

GET HIM IN THERE!EASY!

HE'S LOADED, ALL RIGHT.ENJOYED IT,
HAVEN'T YOU?

DON'T WORRY.

IN WE GO!

IT'S HIS ONE NIGHT OUT,
YOU KNOW?

THERE WE ARE!

THERE'S A GOOD BOY.
WONDERFUL!

TAKE HIM BACK HOME.

THERE. MAKE SURE
YOU USE COLOR!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
BY THAT?

LIVE IT UP!
GOODBYE!

GOODBYE!
HAVE A GOOD TRIP!

TAKE IT EASY,
WILL YOU?

I WAS ONLY TRYING
TO HELP.

CHRIS.

THAT'S THE GUY
I SAW IN THE CLUB!

WITH THE SCAR AND TWITCH,
LIKE THIS!

STOP! YOUR IMAGINATION
IS RUNNING AWAY WITH YOU.

THAT'S THE GUY I SAW!
YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!

NO.

ALL RIGHT, OPEN UP.

I--

OH, NO!

DO YOU HAVE A WARRANT
TO LIVE HERE?

I RECEIVED A REPORT
THAT A MAN WAS SHOT DEAD
IN THIS ROOM.

MIND IF I, UH,
LOOK AROUND?

NO, AS IT TURNS OUT.

BE OUR GUEST.

NOW THEN,
WHAT'S IN THESE CUPBOARDS?

CLOTHES, MOSTLY.

CLOTHES, EH?

COSTUMES.

WINTER, SUMMER--AHA!

GUNS, EH?

THEY'RE WHAT CHARLIE USES
IN THE ACT.

IN HIS WHAT?

I HAVE A PERMIT
TO USE 'EM IN MY ACT.

DON'T LET ME FIND YOU
WITH THIS GUN ON THE STREET.

OH, NO, SIR. YOU SEE,
I WEAR THEM ON STAGE.

AND IT'S QUITE AMUSING
WHEN YOU SEE IT DONE,

BECAUSE I WALK OUT
AND THEY PLAY MUSIC.
WESTERN MUSIC.

AND A LOT OF TWIRLING,
AND BACK AND FORTH,
LIKE THIS.

I GUESS I'LL NEVER GET IT.

SOONER OR LATER,
I'LL GET YOU.

FOR SOMETHING!

WHY DOESN'T HE ARREST
HIS TAILOR?

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, ERNIE?

IT'S A NICE RING, MATE.
I'LL GIVE YOU 50 QUID FOR IT.

50 QUID? THE REWARD'S MORE THAN THAT!

LOOK, MY PRICE IS 3 POUNDS AND I DON'T DO NO SPANKIN'.

I'M NOT YOUR NANNY.

WHO IS IT?

WHO DO YOU THINK?

ANYTHING NEW?

SAME OLD THING, SIR.

NOW LOOK HERE, WALTERS,

I WANT YOU TO BUG
SALT AND PEPPER

AT THE FIRST
OPPORTUNITY!RIGHT, SIR.

THEY'RE UP TO NO GOOD.
I CAN SMELL IT.

WELL, GO ON, WALTERS.THANK YOU, SIR.

OH, HERE, WALTERS,
GET THIS REPAIRED
FOR ME, WILL YOU?

GO ON,
JUMP TO IT!

YES, SIR.

HUH!

HAVE I GOT SOMETHIN'
TO LAY ON YOU.

SIT DOWN.

YEAH, WELL,
THIS BETTER BE GOOD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PUT YOUR 20/20'S ON THAT,
OLD BUDDY.

I FOUND IT
RIGHT ON THIS COUCH.

IT OBVIOUSLY BELONGED
TO THE DEAD
CHINESE CALL GIRL.

LOOK AT THAT!
IT'S GOT EVERYTHING. DATES,
NAMES, NUMBERS, PRICES.

SHE WAS A BUSY
LITTLE FORTUNE COOKIE,
WASN'T SHE?

BEATS ME HOW SHE
FOUND TIME TO SPY.

LOOK AT THAT LIST
OF NAMES.

F.M. SIR EDMUND BRISKET.

IT'S OUR ARMY CHIEF OF STAFF.

ADMIRAL SIR
REGINALD GREENGATES.

THAT'S HIS NAVAL COUNTERPART.

GEN. MARK RUTNER.

UNITED STATES
LIAISON OFFICER
FOR DEFENSE.

ALL RIGHT,
THEN WHO IS THIS CAT,
MR. WILLIAM DOVE?

ODD MAN OUT.

HEADMASTER OF
HALLIWELL COLLEGE.
THAT'S MY OLD SCHOOL.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

BUT WHAT ARE THESE MEN
DOING WITH A CALL GIRL?

OH, COME ON.
HOW MANY GUESSES
ARE YOU GONNA GIVE ME?

YEAH, RIGHT.

HEY, DO YOU WANT A TASTE?

PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT.

IN THAT CASE, YOU KNOW,

IT REALLY WOULD BE UNFAIR
TO TURN THIS OVER
TO BALSOM OR THE POLICE.

A THING LIKE THIS
COULD RUIN THEIR CAREERS
IN A HALF-MINUTE.

OH, I CAN SEE
INSP. CRABBE

WITH THAT
IN HIS HOT LITTLE FIST!

SO WE DESTROY IT, HUH?
GET RID OF IT?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT WOULD BE WRONG
IF IT WAS IMPORTANT.

THERE IS ONE ALTERNATIVE.

WHAT?

I KNOW BRISKET
AND GREENGATES PRETTY WELL.

YOU KNOW THEM
KIND OF CATS, HUH?

MY FATHER DID.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WHY DON'T WE PAY THEM
AN UNOFFICIAL VISIT TOMORROW?

IF THEY ARE JUST CLIENTS,
WE DROP IT.

IF THERE'S MORE TO IT,
WE TURN IT OVER TO BALSOM.

LOOK, PARTNER,
IF THERE IS MORE TO IT,

YOU AND ME ARE SITTIN'
ON A KEG OF DYNAMITE.

ALL RIGHT,
WE START IN THE MORNING
WITH ADMIRAL GREENGATES.

POOR OLD GREENGATES.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
IT WAS?

HEART ATTACK,
I SUPPOSE.

GETTING A LITTLE OLD
TO FOOL AROUND

WITH THOSE
CHINESE CHICKS.YEAH, I'M HIP.

HEY, DO YOU THINK
IT'S TRUE?

WHAT?

THAT ONCE YOU
TAKE OUT A CHINESE GIRL,
AN HOUR LATER YOU...

NO.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S NEXT?

WELL, F.M. BRISKET
LUNCHES EVERY DAY
AT LOCKE'S CLUB.

LET'S GO!

WILL YOU DO ME A FAVOR?WHAT?

WILL YOU CHANGE
THAT OUTFIT?

VERY EXCLUSIVE CLUB.

OH, IT IS, EH?

OH, PEPPER.

UH, CHARLIE,
THIS IS MAJ. DERN-- DERNWOOD.

DASHWOOD.

I BEG YOUR PARDON.
OUR CLUB SECRETARY.
THIS IS CHARLES SALT.

MY PLEASURE.

DELIGHTED, MR. SALT.

ALWAYS GLAD
TO SEE OUR FRIENDS
FROM OVERSEAS.

WE HAD AN EXTRAORDINARY
NICE CHAPPIE FROM, UH, NIGERIA

TO LUNCH,
ONLY THE OTHER...

UM, ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO.

WELL, ENJOY YOURSELVES,

HAVE A LOOK AROUND.THANKS.

SEE YOU LATER.
BYE-BYE.

CHEERIO, PIP-PIP,
A BIT OF ALL RIGHT
AND ALL THAT--

AREN'T YOU OVERDOING THAT
A LITTLE?

JUST A PINCH.

THERE HE IS.
F.M. BRISKET.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

BLACK GLOVE. LOST A HAND
DURING THE WAR.

PLEASE DON'T DISTURB
THE FIELD MARSHAL.

HE DOESN'T LIKE IT.

I DON'T KNOW
IF THIS MEANS ANYTHING
OR NOT,

BUT THIS IS
YESTERDAY'S NEWSPAPER.

THIS IS GETTING
TO BE MONOTONOUS!

MORE THAN MONOTONOUS.
LET'S GET ON TO DOVE.

WHAT'RE YOU
PLAYING AT, JENKS?

SORRY, COL. WOODSTOCK.
JUST CH-CH-CHECKING.

COULD YOU TELL ME
WHERE MIGHT I FIND
THE HEADMASTER?

YOU'LL FIND HIM BACK THERE
IN THE GARDEN.

THANK YOU.

QUITE A PLACE,
ISN'T IT?

NOT UNLIKE
MY OLD ALMA MATER.

HARVARD, OF COURSE.

OF COURSE.

WHAT A PLACE
FOR A SIT-IN.

BEATS ME HOW YOU STARTED HERE
AND WOUND UP IN SOHO.

GOOD MORNING, SIR.

CAN YOU SEE ME
GOING THROUGH LIFE
IN ONE OF THOSE?

NO, I'M ALL FOR TRADITION

SO LONG AS SOMEBODY ELSE
CARRIES IT ON.

I MEAN, THE NEXT STEP
WOULD HAVE BEEN A BOWLER...

FAG!

DID HE SAY
WHAT I THOUGHT HE SAID?

I WANT 6 4-PENNY STAMPS
AT ONCE.

GO ON, TAKE IT.
BE QUICK, LET'S HAVE IT.

AWAY WITH YOU, BOY. BUCK UP!

YOU SEE, THE OLDER BOY'S
CALLED A PREFECT.

THE YOUNGER ONES
ARE ALL CALLED FAGS.

THEY RUN ERRANDS AND DO
AS THEY'RE TOLD.

OH, THAT'S THE LOWEST, MAN!

NO, NO, IT'S NOT.
I WAS A FAG FOR 2 YEARS
WHEN I WAS HERE.

WHAT?

WELL, YOUR SECRET'S SAFE
WITH ME, OLD BUDDY.

YOU DO PROMISE?

YES, I DO.

OOH.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW
I GREATLY APPRECIATE

YOUR MOTIVES
IN COMING DOWN HERE.

ANYTHING YOU CAN DO
TO HELP US, MR. DOVE.

WELL, I DID KNOW
THIS YOUNG PERSON.

BUT, UH, IT MAY BE DIFFICULT
FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND.

BUT THIS CLOISTERED,
MONASTIC EXISTENCE, UH...

YOU DON'T HAVE
TO EXPLAIN, SIR.

OH, OH, BUT I SHOULD EXPLAIN,
PERHAPS.

I WAS DINING WITH THE BISHOP
OF RISBOROUGH DOWN HERE

AT THE TIME YOU SAY
THIS POOR SOUL WAS MURDERED.

WELL, IF WE DECIDE
TO SHOW THE BOOK
TO THE POLICE, SIR,

YOU WON'T BE IN THERE.

OH, I'M MOST GRATIFIED.

GOOD BOY, PEPPER.
GOOD BOY, PEPPER.

THANK YOU, MR. SALT.
UH, MAY I?

IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

OH, BY THE WAY,

A YOUNG CHAP FROM NIGERIA
JOINED THE SCHOOL
ONLY THIS TERM.

AN EXTRAORDINARILY
NICE FELLOW?

NO. AS A MATTER OF FACT,
A LITTLE BEAST.

GOODBYE, MR. DOVE.

GOODBYE.GOODBYE.

THAT PROVES IT.
SEEMS THAT THEY WERE
JUST CLIENTS OF THAT CHICK.

THAT'S WHAT
IT LOOKS LIKE.

HE CERTAINLY
WAS GRATEFUL.

MORNING, SIR.

I WISH I'D HAD
THAT INFORMATION
WHEN I WAS AT SCHOOL.

THINK OF THE MARKS
I'D HAVE GOT.

WELL, WE'LL CHECK
THE LAST NAME
ON THE LIST, HUH?

GEN. RUTNER.

WHY NOT?

NO HARM IN HAVING
GRATEFUL FRIENDS HIGH UP.

FAG!

YOU CALL ME THAT
ONE MORE--

HELLO. WHO'S THERE?

DOVE HERE. 2 MEN.
TROUBLE!

SALT AND PEPPER!

YES, I FEARED AS MUCH
WHEN I SAW THEM SNOOPING
AROUND THE CLUB THIS MORNING.

HOWEVER,
WE CAN DEAL WITH THEM.

ALL RIGHT, GOODBYE.

A BUSY DAY FOR YOU,
MY FRIEND.

AFTER YOU KILL GEN. RUTNER,

YOU WILL EXTEND
THE SAME SERVICE

TO THE MESSRS.
SALT AND PEPPER.

FIND OUT.

YES. WELL, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, MRS. RUTNER.

BYE.

GOODBYE.

WELL?

HE'S ON HIS WAY
TO THE GREEN GROTTO

TO HAVE LUNCH WITH
SOME GERMAN GENERAL.

OH, I SEE.
WELL, LET'S GO.

HELLO.

HEY, CHRIS, LET'S NOT
TAKE YOUR CAR TODAY.WHY NOT?

BECAUSE IT'S
A 7-PASSENGER CAR
AND THERE'S ONLY 2 OF US.

BESIDES, IT'S OSTENTATIOUS.

OSTENTA-- SPELL IT.

UH, NEVER MIND.
LET'S TAKE MY NEW CAR.

ALL RIGHT.

WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?

THAT'S NOT MY NEW CAR.
THERE'S THE CAR!

WHICH MOVIE
DID YOU GET THIS FROM?

IT'S A CUTE
LITTLE MOTHER, BABY!

IT'D MAKE A NICE LAMP.

HI, CHARLIE.

HI. HOP IN!

I'M AFRAID I'LL MISS.

NICE CAR YOU'VE GOT. THANKS.

IT'S SUPER!

ALL RIGHT, YOU DRIVE IT
AND I'LL BURP IT.

I TELL YOU, I GOT
THE BIGGEST HORNS IN TOWN.

YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.

PUT YOUR SEAT BELT ON.

SEAT BELT?

SEAT BELT. A LITTLE MUSIC.

HOLD ON!

SUNDAY DRIVER!

YOU'RE GOING TO
GET US ARRESTED.

NOW BE--
JUST DRIVE THE CAR,
WILL YOU?

WE'RE INTERRUPTING THE PROGRAM
TO BRING YOU A NEWS ITEM.

GEN. MARK RUTNER,
THE CHIEF UNITED STATES
LIAISON OFFICER

OF EUROPEAN DEFENSE,

WAS THIS AFTERNOON KILLED
WHEN A MYSTERY EXPLOSION
WRECKED HIS CAR IN WHITEHALL.

THE POLICE
ARE MAKING INQUIRIES.

WOW.

THIS IS MORE
THAN A COINCIDENCE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, THERE'S GREENGATES,
BRISKET, AND NOW RUTNER.

YES.

THIS IS A DEATH LIST.

WELL, IT'S TIME
TO CALL COL. BALSOM, RIGHT?

THANK GOD THE OTHER SIDE
DOESN'T KNOW WE'RE INVOLVED.

AT LEAST IT'LL STOP US
FROM GETTING A BULLET
IN OUR BACK.

WHAT WAS THAT?I DON'T KNOW!

IT'S A BULLET HOLE!

WELL, YOU'D BETTER--
WOULD YOU KEEP YOUR EYES
ON THE ROAD?

OH, OH, OH!
LIFT UP THE PANEL!

DOESN'T THIS PRAM
MOVE AT ALL?

LIFT UP THE PANEL, WILL YOU?

ALL RIGHT, COVER OFF.
COVER OFF!

PRESS "B."

WHAT FOR?

BULLETPROOF PANEL!

LOOK AT THAT!

HEY, YOU SHOULD PATENT IT.

WONDERFUL.

I'D RATHER
HAVE THE BULLETS!

WHAT THE HELL
HAVE YOU GOT HERE?

I DON'T KNOW!
PRESS THAT BUTTON AGAIN!

I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING!

PRESS "N."

WHAT'S THAT?

THEY'RE NAILS.
THAT'LL PUNCTURE THEIR TIRES.

GOOD SHOT, SIR!

OH, NO!

I'M GLAD IT'S NOT
OUR NEIGHBORHOOD!

YOU'D BETTER BELIEVE IT!

TURN IT OFF!HOW?

I DON'T KNOW!
PRESS "N" AGAIN!

I'M PRESSING "N" AGAIN!

GOOD!

PRESS "O."

WHAT'LL THAT DO?

IT POURS OUT OIL.
IT'LL MAKE THEM SKID!

OIL!

WE GOT RID OF 'EM!

IT WORKED.

GO ON, DRIVE.
GET US OUT OF HERE.

HOLD ON!

PRESS "S."

WHAT'LL THAT...
NOT ON YOUR LIFE!

IT STANDS FOR SMOKE!
IT'LL BLIND THEM!

WE'VE WINGED THEM,
THEY'RE ON FIRE!

ALL RIGHT, GET CLOSER!
CLOSER STILL!

WISH YOU COULD INHALE!

WE LOST A SHOE!

MY GOODNESS.
WE'RE FALLING APART!

NEXT TIME I'LL TAKE THE BUS!

WELL, I'LL SEE YOU.

NO, WAIT A MINUTE!
WE'RE SAFE! IT FLOATS!

YES, BUT DO I?

JUST WAIT, YOU'LL SEE.

NOW WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO?

YOU'LL SEE.
ANOTHER SURPRISE!

THEY'VE GONE
IN THE WATER!

WELL, WE'VE GOT 'EM NOW.

LET'S HURRY UP,
HE'S GOT A WHOLE
ARSENAL UP THERE!

COME ON, BABY,
IF YOU'VE EVER WORKED
FOR ANYBODY, WORK FOR US NOW.

DO YOU EVER GET THE FEELING
THAT YOU JUST WANT TO LAY BACK

AND SORT OF PUT YOUR HAND
IN THE WATER?

WE'VE SPRUNG A LEAK!

WHAT'S THAT?

HOLD IT!

COME ON,
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

WAIT A MINUTE!

WHAT DID THAT LITTLE KID
DO IN HOLLAND?I DON'T KNOW, HE--

OH! HE STUCK
HIS FINGER IN IT, DIDN'T HE?THAT'S IT!

THIS IS THE END.

HELP! ANYBODY, HELP!

WELL, WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO PRESS NOW?

I DON'T KNOW!

HELP!

HELP!
DON'T JUST SIT THERE!

YOU GOT THEM THAT TIME!

WELL DONE, LET'S GO.

LOOK AT THEM!

NO SENSE IN SITTING HERE.
WE MIGHT AS WELL...

WHAT NOW,
CAPT. BLIGH?

SWIM HOME?

COL. BALSOM, PLEASE.
CHRISTOPHER PEPPER HERE.

AH, GOOD.
YOU REMEMBERED.

REMEMBERED?
REMEMBERED WHAT?

WHAT A CERTAIN UNFORTUNATE
YOUNG ORIENTAL SAID
BEFORE SHE DIED.

WHAT?
OH--OH, THAT--THAT.

YE-YES. WELL, I HAVE SOME VERY
IMPORTANT INFORMATION NOW. NOT ON THE PHONE.

WE ARE NOT SCRAMBLED. WE WILL BE IN A MINUTE.

LOOK, I NEED A BODYGUARD!

YOU NEED 2!

MAKE THAT 2!

NOT ON THE PHONE!

NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY.

YOU WILL BE CONTACTED.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

WE'LL BE CONTACTED!

LOOK, CHARLIE, HERE ON IN,
IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.

WE HAVE TO STICK
TOGETHER LIKE LEECHES!

LIKE GLUE.TOGETHERNESS!

LIKE GLUE!WE--

DON'T ANSWER THAT.

COULD BE FROM BALSOM.

SO FAST?

HERE GOES.

EASY, BUDDY.

WHO IS IT?

MARIANNE RENAUD.

DON'T YOU KNOW
THIS--OH, HI!

MAY I COME IN?

I WAS JUST PASSING
AND WANTED A NICE QUIET DRINK,
SO I WONDERED--

DON'T YOU THINK
I'LL JUST LEAVE!

WHAT ABOUT TOGETHERNESS?
WHAT ABOUT WE WERE
NEVER TO BE ALONE,

LIKE LEECHES,
LIKE GLUE, NEVER ALONE?

WHAT DOES THIS
LOOK LIKE?

I CAN'T WAIT TO--

DON'T YOU EVER
THINK OF ANYONE ELSE?

GET OUT!

WELL, WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF IT?

IT'S GORGEOUS!

PEPPER!

PEPPER!

PEPPER!

PEPPER, THAT GIRL.
SHE'S IN MY ROOM AGAIN.

THAT CHINESE GIRL
IS THERE!

SHE'S BEEN DEAD
FOR 2 DAYS.

I KNOW THAT,
BUT NOW SHE'S BEING
DEAD IN THERE!

SO SORRY,
WRONG HOTEL, FORGIVE ME.

ALL RIGHT, I MADE A MISTAKE,
THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE TO ME.

CAN'T TELL
ONE FROM ANOTHER.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE.

HOW DID SHE GET
IN YOUR APARTMENT,
AND WHY?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT...

LOOK, SHE WAS LAYING
RIGHT IN HERE.

SHE WAS LAYING
RIGHT THERE.

WHERE?

RIGHT HERE
ON THE RUG!

I WALKED IN MY DOOR
AND THERE SHE WAS, LAYING HERE

WITH HER HAND UP THERE...

THAT'S A FUNNY PLACE
TO PUT A COMPACT!

CAN'T OPEN IT,
EITHER.

IT'S PROBABLY
A TIME BOMB.A TIME...

IT'S TICKING!WHAT?

CHRIS,
IT'S TICKING!

IT IS TICKING!

I JUST SAID THAT!

WHAT IS A COMPACT
WHEN IT TICKS?

IT'S NO TIME
FOR RIDDLES!

IT'S A TIME BOMB!
WATER! HELP!

NO, NOT IN THE WATER!
IT'LL EXPLODE!

I READ IT IN NEWSWEEK!

DID IT ALSO TELL YOU
WHAT TO DO WHEN
SOMEONE THROWS ONE AT YOU?

IT'S YOUR BOMB!I DON'T WANT IT!

DON'T GIVE IT TO ME!

WAIT FOR ME!

HURRY UP!

EXCUSE ME!

I MAY HAVE TO
BREAK OUR DATE!

LOOK OUT!

NO!

HERE, CHRIS!

WHERE?

I GAVE IT TO YOU!OH, GOD!

WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

THE DRAIN!
THE DRAIN!

IT'S IN THERE!

MR. SALT! MR. PEPPER!

ONE MOMENT, PLEASE!

THERE, THEN, WHAT DID YOU
PUT DOWN THAT DRAIN?

OH, A-ANTISEPTIC, SIR.
SEWERS STINK!

INSPECTOR,
MOVE YOUR CAR!

I WILL NOT
MOVE MY CAR!

INSPECTOR,
MOVE YOUR CAR!

YOU TWO ARE
UP TO SOMETHING!

AND IF NECESSARY,
I SHALL STAY HERE
UNTIL DOOMSDAY!

DOOMSDAY!

DO ME A FAVOR.

OH, YES, SIR. YES, SIR.
WALTERS HERE, SIR.

WE HAVE BUGGED
SALT AND PEPPER'S
APARTMENT, SIR.

OH, THAT'S GOOD. EVERYTHING OK, WALTERS?

OH, YES, YES,
EVERYTHING'S OK, SIR.

YOU CAN
LET THEM GO, SIR.

LOVELY!

DOESN'T LOOK
TOO GOOD.

NOW HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE
HE SPRUNG US SO FAST?

I HAVEN'T
THE FAINTEST IDEA!

WHY DON'T WE BRUSH OUR TEETH
AND LEAVE LONDON FOR A WHILE?

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA,
OLLIE.

I MEAN, IT'S A NICE PLACE
TO VISIT, BUT I DON'T
WANT TO DIE HERE.

OH, WALTERS,
BREAKFAST.

THANK YOU VERY
MUCH INDEED, SIR.

DID YOU, UH,
SEARCH THEIR FLATS?

OH, YES, SIR. NO DOPE,
AMMUNITION, CONTRABAND,
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, SIR.

NOTHING AT ALL, SIR. OH,
WE DID FIND THIS, THOUGH, SIR.

IT WAS UNDER
PEPPER'S MATTRESS.

A COMPACT, EH?
SO HE LIKES WOMEN.

YES.
THERE'S ONLY ONE THING, SIR.
IT WON'T OPEN, SIR.

IT'S A CHEAP COMPACT,
SO HE LIKES CHEAP WOMEN.

YOU'D BETTER LET
THEM HAVE IT BACK, SIR.

AND LET THEM
KNOW WE'VE SEARCHED
WITHOUT A WARRANT? NIT!

THE COMMISSIONER, SIR.
LOOK!

WHAT? OH!

GOOD MORNING,
COMMISSIONER, SIR.

YOU ARE AN EARLY BIRD, SIR,
IF I MAY SAY SO, SIR.

WHAT'S THIS I HEAR
ABOUT YOUR CAR
BEING BLOWN UP?

TRUE, TRUE,
IF I MAY SAY SO, SIR.

A WRITE-OFF.
I SHALL NEED A NEW ONE.

INSP. CRABBE,
POLICE OFFICERS

WHO ALLOW THEIR
CARS TO GET BLOWN UP

WILL, IN FUTURE,
RIDE BICYCLES.

DO I MAKE
MYSELF CLEAR?

DAMN! I KNEW
SHE'D BE GONE.

WELL, I COULD HAVE
WON ANOTHER 5 POUNDS.

YOU'RE BUGGED!

BUGGED?
I AM MORTIFIED!

DON'T YOU KNOW
WHERE I'M FROM?

I DON'T KNOW WHERE
YOU'RE FROM, BUT THIS
DEFINITELY AIN'T A LOVE-IN!

I'M FROM COL. B.!

NO, BALSOM!

SHH.

THAT'LL FIX
THEIR EARDRUMS.

HERE, YOU BETTER
TAKE ONE, TOO.

THEY'VE PROBABLY BUGGED
YOUR APARTMENT, TOO.

WHO?INSP. CRABBE.

OH, THAT'S GRAND.

NOW, GENTLEMEN,
DO YOU HAVE A REPORT
FOR ME FOR COL. BALSOM?

WALTERS!

YOU HAVE ALLOWED

3 OF THE GREATEST
DEFENSE BRAINS IN BRITAIN
TO BE MURDERED.

NOW WAIT
A MINUTE, LADY.

I MEAN, AIN'T THERE NO
CHANCE OF GETTING US
ANY PROTECTION AT ALL?

NONE.

AND IF THE OTHERS
DON'T GET YOU,
COL. BALSOM WILL.

IF THE OTHERS
DON'T GET US...

COL. BALSOM WILL.

THUS 2 ATTEMPTS
TO DISPOSE OF

CHARLES SALT
AND CHRISTOPHER PEPPER
HAVE FAILED, PRIME MINISTER.

I THINK
YOU'LL FIND ALL
THE RELEVANT DETAILS THERE.

AND THAT'S ALL
I'VE GOT FOR YOU.

THANK YOU,
HOME SECRETARY.

WITH THE DEATHS OF
ADMIRAL GREENGATES,

F.M. BRISKET,
AND GEN. RUTNER,

IT'S NO EXAGGERATION
TO SAY

THAT GREAT BRITAIN IS NOW
A SHIP WITHOUT A RUDDER.

YOU'VE HEARD
THAT INTELLIGENCE

IS STRIVING TO DISCOVER
WHAT'S HAPPENING.

SO FAR, WITHOUT SUCCESS.

BUT I SHOULD LIKE TO RETURN
TO THESE 2 GENTLEMEN:

CHARLES SALT
AND CHRISTOPHER PEPPER.

DON'T KEEP
SAYING YOU INSTALLED
THE BUGS CORRECTLY. LISTEN.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT, SIR.

SHALL WE TRY
SALT'S APARTMENT, SIR?

GOOD IDEA, WALTERS.

SAY, DID YOU PLANT THAT BOMB IN THE POLICE STATION,

LIKE I TOLD YOU, CHICAGO PHIL?

YEAH, I DID THAT, CHARLIE,
JUST THE WAY YOU SAID.

AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
IT WAS EASY.

RIGHT IN THE POLICE STATION,
AND IT'S GONNA GO
OFF WITH A BIG BANG!

YOU MEAN, YOU PLANTED IT IN THE POLICE STATION?

YEAH, THAT SHOULD FIX
YOUR FRIEND

INSP. CRABBE VERY GOOD,
SWEETHEART!

WALTERS.

SIR?

I THINK WE MUST
EVACUATE THE STATION.

EVACUATE THE STATION!

EVERYBODY OUT!

EVACUATE THE STATION!

WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST!

IT WAS A HOAX,
ALL RIGHT.

WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THE PLACE
WITH A TOOTHCOMB!

A HOAX!

SALT AND PEPPER!

COME ON, WALTERS,
GET SOME WORK DONE!

GET THESE PEOPLE
MOVING!

CLEAR THE STREET!

WELL, YOU REALLY GOOFED
THAT TIME, DIDN'T YOU?

MAYBE WE DID.

HMM, BUT I GOT
A SURPRISE FOR YOU, BOSS.

WE PLANTED A SECOND BOMB.

A SECOND BOMB?

HOW DID YOU GET IT
IN THE POLICE STATION?

EASY. ONE OF
THE SEARCHERS IS OUR MAN.

EVACUATE THE STATION!

NO, WE'VE GOT NO TIME
FOR THAT NOW, WALTERS!

AND THERE'S NO TIME FOR
THAT EITHER, SERGEANT!

EVACUATE THE STATION!

CHRISTOPHER PEPPER HERE.

PEPPER, YOU AND SALT
REPORT IMMEDIATELY

TO GILBERT'S BARBERSHOP,
21 SOHO LANE.

ASK FOR A CLOSE SHAVE.

THERE'S
A COUPLE OF BEAUTIES.

AND A POUND
OF TOMATOES.

A POUND OF
TOMATOES, LOVE?

DID BALSOM SAY
WHY HE WANTED US
TO MEET HIM IN A BARBERSHOP?

HE DID NOT.

HOW MUCH DO YOU TIP
FOR BEING MURDERED?

I TELL YOU,
THERE'S NO BOMB THERE!

AND I TELL YOU
THERE IS!

YOU FIND
THE BLOODY THING, THEN!

WELL, DON'T JUST
STAND THERE, GO AND
GET THE PLACE CLEANED UP!

WELL, DON'T JUST
STAND THERE, GO AND
GET THE PLACE CLEANED UP.

DON'T JUST STAND THERE, GO AND
GET THE PLACE CLEANED UP.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING,
GENTLEMEN.

GOOD MORNING.

2 CLOSE SHAVES.

YES, BUT NOT
TOO CLOSE.

SIT DOWN, SIR.

I SAW A MOVIE ONCE
WHERE 2 GUYS
WENT INTO A BARBERSHOP,

AND THEY SAT
DOWN IN THE CHAIR...

WHAT HAPPENED?

THEY WERE--

GOOD MORNING, SIR.
CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?

HAIRCUT, SIR?
SIT DOWN, SIR, YOU'RE NEXT.

WHERE ARE THEY?

WHO?

THE 2 MEN THAT
JUST CAME IN HERE.

NOBODY HERE.
TAKE A LOOK FOR YOURSELF.

HEY, UH,

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT MOVIE
YOU WERE TELLING ME ABOUT?

YEAH?

THE 2 MEN IN
THE BARBER CHAIRS?

MMM-HMM.

WELL, DO ME A FAVOR.
DON'T TELL ME THE ENDING.

DON'T WORRY, I WON'T.

WHERE ARE WE?

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT WHEREVER WE ARE,
IT'S NOT ONE OF
THEIR BEST ROOMS.

IT AIN'T GOT NO WINDOWS.

IT'S A SHIP'S CABIN.
IT'S BEEN HOURS.

THAT CAT DRUGGED US
AFTER WE WENT INTO
THE BARBER CHAIR.

YOUR FRIEND BALSOM
GOES TOO FAR!

HE'S NO FRIEND OF MINE,
AND THIS DOESN'T
SMACK OF BALSOM.

YOU SAID HE CALLED.

I ASSUMED HE CALLED.
I COULD BE WRONG.

ALL RIGHT, THE ONLY THING
LEFT FOR US TO DO IS
TO GET OUT OF HERE.

THAT'S VERY EASY.

I SAW THIS MOVIE ONCE...

OH, NO.

NOW LISTEN, PLEASE.

IN THE MOVIE, WHEN THE GUYS
FELL INTO A THING,

FUNNILY ENOUGH
THEY FELL INTO A SHIP, RIGHT?

AND THEN, THE GUYS WERE
LOCKED INTO A CABIN.

AND ONE OF THE GUYS
HEARD THE GUYS
WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY.

HE TURNED
AROUND AND GAVE IT--

I WOULDN'T DO
THAT IF I WERE YOU,
YOU'LL FALL RIGHT ON YOUR--

AS I WAS SAYING,
HE WALKED IN,

UNSUSPECTING OF
THE GUYS INSIDE.

THE GUY INSIDE
TURNED AROUND...

BRILLIANT!

IT'S NICE TO
KNOW I'M NOT JUST
ANOTHER PRETTY FACE!

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

WHAT'S WRONG?

NUCLEAR MISSILES.

WHAT?

WE'RE ON
A POLARIS SUBMARINE.

SO?

THAT MEANS WE'RE SAFE,
CHARLIE BOY.

WE ARE?

THIS IS A ROYAL NAVY SUB.

IT MIGHT BE
THE ROYAL NAVY SUB TO YOU,

BUT TO ME,
IT'S THE BOSTON TEA PARTY.

LET'S GET
OUT OF HERE, HUH?

UH-OH, THESE ARE
SOME OF MY PEOPLE.

HELLO, LIEUTENANT.

YOUR PEOPLE?

LOOK AT THIS,
WILL YOU?

READ THAT.

"INSTRUCTIONS FOR R-DAY:

"THE HERCULESWILL,
AS A WARNING,
FIRE ONE NUCLEAR MISSILE

"AT THE UNINHABITED
ISLAND OF MACCRAW.

"THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT
WILL HAVE THEN

"30 MINUTES
IN WHICH TO RESIGN.

"FAILURE TO DO THIS
WILL NECESSITATE THE FI...

"FAILURE TO DO THIS
WILL NECESSITATE

"THE FIRING OF
A SECOND MISSILE

AT A DENSELY POPULATED AREA
OF THE BRITISH ISLES."

IT'S A REVOLUTION.

WHAT?

IT'S A DAMN REVOLUTION!

CHRIS. LET'S GET
OUT OF HERE.

BEFORE ONE OF
YOUR PEOPLE KILLS

ONE OF MY PEOPLE,
WHICH IS NAMELY ME!

TELL ME, HOW THE HELL
DO YOU GET OUT
OF A SUBMARINE?

I DON'T KNOW,
BUT THE QUICKER
THE BETTER.

HE'S YOURS!

CHARGE!

OVER THERE.THIS WAY. FOLLOW ME.

IT'S FOR YOU.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

IT'S ONLY FAIR
FOR ME TO WARN YOU

THAT THESE ARE
LETHAL WEAPONS!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT.

TURN OFF
THAT DAMN MACHINE.

COME ON.

WELL!

RULE BRITANNIA!

AND A YANKEE
DOODLE DANDY!

VOILA!

SEE ANYTHING?

NOTHING ON DECK, SIR.

WELL, SHOOT ON SIGHT.
THEY MUSTN'T ESCAPE ALIVE.
COME ON, THIS WAY.

THEY'VE BEEN ON DECK,
WE MUST BE ON THE SURFACE.

RIGHT, COME ON, THIS WAY!

WE MUST GET THEM NOW!

CAN YOU SWIM?

NO, I CAN'T SWIM!

GO ON, GET THEM!

I CAN SWIM!

WHAT THE...

LOOK, THERE THEY ARE,
GET THEM!

LET'S GO.

OVER HERE.

NOW THIS IS A SEWER!

THAT'S ALL WE NEED.

I WONDER WHO OWNS IT.

THERE'S ONLY ONE LEFT.

GOOD WORK.

THAT'S THE RIVER DOWN THERE.
WE'LL NEVER GET OUT THAT WAY.

TELL YOU WHAT,
LET'S HOLE UP IN HERE.

THEY'LL THINK WE GOT AWAY.
DAYLIGHT, WE MAKE OUR BREAK.

OK.

2 GUYS WERE--

NOBODY THERE, SIR.

FOLLOW ME, THIS WAY.

ALL RIGHT,
FLASH YOUR LIGHT
OVER THERE.

THERE'S NO SIGN
OF THEM HERE.

ALL RIGHT, TAKE YOUR GROUP
AND SEARCH THE RIVER AREA.

THE REST, FOLLOW ME.
THEY MUSTN'T ESCAPE.

THERE YOU ARE.

CHRIS? WHAT?

IS THIS A NIGHTMARE?

I HOPE SO.

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
I WANT TO KNOW, THOUGH.WHAT?

AM I IN YOURS, OR
ARE YOU IN MINE?

I KNOW IT'S LATE IN THE DAY,
PRIME MINISTER.

I KNOW THAT MY REMARKS
MAY SOUND TREASONABLE.

BUT ONE CANNOT CONTROL
THE DICTATES OF
ONE'S CONSCIENCE,

AND MINE WOULD NOT ALLOW ME
TO PROCEED WITH
THE PLAN AS OUTLINED.

AND WHAT IS YOUR ALTERNATIVE,
HOME SECRETARY?

I'LL GO AHEAD WITH THE THREAT,
BUT NO FURTHER.

AND IF THE THREAT FAILS?

THEN WE FAIL.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

WE CANNOT, MUST NOT FAIL.

NOW, GENTLEMEN,

WE HAVE TO DECIDE
ON WHICH BRITISH CITY
THE ATOMIC MISSILE IS TO FALL,

SHOULD IT UNHAPPILY
BE FOUND NECESSARY TO FIRE.

AM I GLAD
TO SEE YOU.

WELL, THIS HAD BETTER
BE GOOD, DRAGGING ME OUT
AT THIS HOUR.

WELL, TRY THIS,
COLONEL.

LAST NIGHT WE WERE KIDNAPPED
AND TAKEN ABOARD
A POLARIS SUBMARINE.

TAKEN ABOARD WHAT?

A BRITISH POLARIS SUBMARINE,
CALLED THE HERCULES.

THE HERCULES?
SHE'S BEEN AT SEA FOR MONTHS.

I BEG YOUR PARDON,
SHE'S IN A FIELD
5 MILES DOWN THE ROAD.

A 9,000-TON SUBMARINE?

ON DRY LAND?YEAH.

IN A FIELD?

SURROUNDED BY BARBED WIRE,
GUYS WITH GUNS,
DOGS, AND TANKS.

WHAT HE'S TRYING
TO SAY IS SHE'S UNDER
THE UTMOST SECURITY.

FASCINATING.

ANY IDEA
WHAT IT'S DOING THERE?

VERY SIMPLY,
REVOLUTION.

REVOLUTION.

THEY ARE GOING TO
FIRE AN ATOMIC MISSILE

INTO A DESOLATE ISLAND
IN THE HEBRIDES.

WHATEVER FOR?

TO SHOW THEIR STRENGTH.

THEN THEY'RE GOING TO ASK
THE GOVERNMENT TO RESIGN.

IF THEY REFUSE,
THEY'RE GOING TO SEND
A SECOND MISSILE

INTO AN INHABITED AREA.

THEY TOLD YOU ALL THIS,
OF COURSE.YEAH.

WHO ARE THEY?

THE GUYS YOU TOLD US
IF WE RAN INTO,
TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU.

WELL, WE RAN INTO THEM.

ON THE HERCULES?

ON THE HERCULES.

IN A FIELD?

IN A FIELD.

WE HAVE PROOF ON...
SHOW HIM THE PAPER.

WHY DIDN'T I
THINK OF THAT?

OF COURSE WE CAN--HURRY UP.

OH. REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE
IN THE WATER UP TO HERE,

YOU HAD ONE MATCH,
WE COULDN'T SEE, I LIT...

THAT WAS THE PAPER.

NO PAPER.

NO PAPER.

NO PAPER, HUH?

NO, THERE'S NO PAPER.

BUT YOU COULD
PRODUCE THE SUBMARINE?

NOW THAT WE CAN DO.

WHY NOT PRODUCE IT NOW?

I CAN HARDLY WAIT.

WELL, COME ON!

WILL YOU COME ON?

WHERE DID THEY ALL GO?

I MEAN, THE JEEPS,
THE GUYS WITH THE GUNS,
AND THE DOGS?

AND THE SUBMARINE?

THE SUBMARINE!
WE KNOW WHERE THAT IS!

RIGHT DOWN THE ROAD.
COME ON.

WELL, AIN'T YOU COMIN'?

WHERE IS IT?

WHAT THE...

SHE WAS LYING RIGHT HERE.

I-I-IT'S GONE.

SUBMERGED, PERHAPS?

I TELL YOU, IT WAS
RIGHT HERE, COLONEL.

THE COW CAN
TELL YOU THAT. IT...

COWS CAN'T TALK.
COLONEL, WAIT!

COLONEL, WAIT A SECOND!

COLONEL, COLONEL,
YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE US.

BESIDES EVERYTHING ELSE,
THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL US.

WELL, THEN, THEY CAN'T
BE ALL BAD, CAN THEY?

IT'S A MIRACLE
THE MOCK-UP SUBMARINE
WAS DISMANTLED IN TIME.

I HOPE THIS
DOESN'T SLOW OUR MEN DOWN
ON THEIR TRAINING PROGRAM.

SALT AND PEPPER
SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN
TAKEN ABOARD ANYWAY.

IT WASN'T INTENDED
THEY SHOULD BE.

A MISTAKE WAS MADE, SIR.

THESE LAST FEW HOURS
ARE VITAL.

THOSE MEN MUST BE
FOUND AND SILENCED.

PERMANENTLY SILENCED.

WE'RE CLUTCHING AT STRAWS,
PRIME MINISTER,

LOOKING FOR
ANY KIND OF LEAD.

FIND ONE, BALSOM,
AND DON'T FAIL ME.

NEED I SAY MORE?

HEY, INSPECTOR!
INSPECTOR. INSPECT--

DO YOU MIND, WALTERS?

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, SIR.
LOOK SIR, WE--WE JUST
CAUGHT A MAN, SIR.

TRYING TO SMUGGLE 2 PARCELS
INTO SALT AND PEPPER'S
UP THE FIRE ESCAPE.

I'M--I'M AFRAID
THE MAN GOT AWAY, SIR,
BUT WE GOT THE PARCELS, SIR.

BOTH ADDRESSED TO
SALT AND PEPPER.

THIS MAY BE THE KEY.
DOPE? DRUGS?

CONTRABAND.

EXACTLY, WALTERS.
COME ALONG TO THE STATION.

RIGHT.

IT SEEMS I'M SURROUNDED
BY INCOMPETENTS.

SORRY, SIR,

BUT THE POLICE
MUST HAVE BEEN
WATCHING THE PLACE

AND THEY TOOK
THE BOMBS OFF ME.

OH, GO ON. NOT LIKELY.

NOW, ABOUT YOU.

DO YOU THINK, UH...

DO YOU THINK PEPPER
SUSPECTS YOU AT ALL?

NOT FOR A MINUTE.

MY PARTNER. MY PARTNER.

WHERE DOES HE
FIND THE TIME?

WOMEN ARE EXPECTED TO BE
CHANGEABLE CREATURES.

SO WHO AM I TO
CHANGE OUR IMAGE?

WELL, I THINK THAT'S VERY
WISE. AS A RULE...

BUT IT'S JUST THAT...

DID I ASK FOR A DRINK?

NO, BUT I DID.

YOU DON'T NEED THE MUSIC,
EITHER.

DON'T NEED THE MUSIC.

COME HERE.

TELL ME.

CAN YOU ONLY DEAL
WITH WOMEN BY NUMBERS?

WELL, UH, IT'S JUST THAT...

OH, COME NOW, MR. PEPPER,
WHERE'S THAT CELEBRATED COOL?

I JUST BLEW IT.

WELL, SHALL WE TRY IT
AGAIN, THEN?

OH, NO...

YOU'VE BEEN BUGGING AGAIN,
CRABBE, DESPITE
MY SPECIFIC ORDERS!

BUT YOU CANNOT
USE NORMAL METHODS
IN THIS AREA, COMMISSIONER!

I GET 90 PERCENT OF
MY INFORMATION THIS WAY, SIR.

IF YOU'LL ALLOW ME, SIR.

LISTEN.

HEY, BOSS, I GOT A LITTLE NEWSFLASH FOR YOU.

WE PLANTED ANOTHER BOMB IN THE POLICE STATION.

EVACUATE THE--

NO, DON'T YOU
WORRY, SIR.

I'M UP TO
THEIR LITTLE TRICKS.

THEY KNOW THAT
I'M BUGGIN' 'EM.

THIS IS THEIR IDEA
OF FUN.

YOU SURE?

ABSOLUTELY, SIR.

THERE--THERE ARE NO BOMBS
IN THIS STATION!

NOW YOU RELAX,
COMMISSIONER, SIR.

HAVE A CUP OF TEA
WHILE YOU'RE HERE.
WALTERS.

I CAN DEFINITELY
ASSURE YOU, SIR,

THERE ARE NO BOMBS
IN THIS STATION.

OH, YES, COMMISSIONER,

SALT AND PEPPER
HOAXED US TWICE YESTERDAY,
AS I EXPECT YOU HEARD.

YOU CAN TAKE IT FROM ME, SIR,
THAT TODAY THERE IS
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!

I WAS ONLY KIDDING!

PEPPER!

WHY DID YOU REALLY
COME BY, HMM?

FOR 2 REASONS.

THAT'S THE FIRST.

I LIKE THE FIRST.

THAT'S A NICE REASON.

HEY, THERE'S DOVE!

SO WHAT? WE'RE LEAVING
LONDON, REMEMBER?

WE'VE GOT TO WARN HIM.
HE'S THE ONLY ONE
LEFT ALIVE ON THAT LIST.

OH, COME ON,
LET'S GET THE PLANE TICKETS.

LOOK, THERE'S THE GIRL.

THE ONE WHO PLANTED
THE BOMB IN YOUR PLACE.

WELL, DO YOU STILL
WANT TO WARN HIM?

SHE MAY BE GOING
TO KILL HIM.

YEAH, MAYBE HE'S
ON THEIR SIDE.

AND THAT'S WHY HE'S
WALKING AROUND ALIVE.
NOW LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

CHARLIE, WE KNOW THE SCORE!

CHRIS, WE--
WE TRIED TO BLOW THE WHISTLE,
NOBODY LISTENED TO US!

NOW, WHAT MORE CAN WE DO?

FOLLOW DOVE AND THE GIRL.NO!

WE'VE TAKEN ENOUGH CHANCES.

CHARLIE,

THIS MAY BE DIFFICULT
FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND, BUT...

IT MAY SOUND FUNNY, CORNY,

BUT ONCE IN A WHILE,
I GET AWFULLY BRITISH.

THERE ARE A MILLION LIVES
AT STAKE.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

IT'S OK. YOU GO AHEAD.

YEAH.

HEY!

GLAD TO SEE YOU.

GLAD TO SEE YOU, TOO.

WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO
GET ON THE PLANE, YOU KNOW.

I DON'T WANNA BE
THE FIRST ONE IN.
YOU CAN'T EVEN GET A DRINK.

YEAH,
IT'S VERY DIFFICULT.

YEAH, IT ALWAYS IS.
COME ON.

FOLLOW THAT CAR!WHY?

WHY? BECAUSE THEY'RE
THE BAD GUYS, DUMDUM.

AND HURRY!

WILLIAMSPORT MILITARY
TRAINING COLLEGE?

WHAT'S HE GOING IN THERE FOR?

MAYBE HE WANTS TO
GET HIS RIFLE CLEANED.

WHAT?

MMM?

HELLO.

WHAT'S UP, LADS?
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING UP THERE, THEN?

I, UH...

I--I--I WAS JUST SHOWING
MY AMERICAN FRIEND

SOME OF THE MORE
BEAUTIFUL ENGLISH SIGHTS.

IN THAT CASE,
I SUGGEST PICCADILLY CIRCUS.

THIS IS GOVERNMENT PROPERTY.

RIGHT YOU ARE,
CONSTABLE.

RIGHT YOU ARE, SIR.
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

AH, DOVE. AND HOW IS OUR
NEW MINISTER OF EDUCATION?

WELL, THANK YOU,
PRIME MINISTER.

SPLENDID. MAKE YOURSELF
COMFORTABLE.

THERE'S TEA AND SOME
RATHER NASTY SANDWICHES
OVER THERE.

OH, THANK YOU.
I DON'T MIND IF I DO.

I THINK BALSOM WOULD BE
VERY INTERESTED IN THIS.

YES.

INCREDIBLE, INEXCUSABLE
INEFFICIENCY!

THEY KNOW NOTHING,
PRIME MINISTER.

THEY'RE JUST 2 FRIGHTENED MEN
WHO'VE GONE INTO HIDING.

YOU'D BETTER BE RIGHT,
WOODSTOCK.

AND NOW YOUR AFTERNOON NEWS.

THE ATOMIC SUBMARINE HERCULES
DOCKED AT HOLY LOCH
THIS MORNING.

THE SUBMARINE, WHICH IS
THE FIRST TO BE EQUIPPED

WITH BRITAIN'S NEW
LONG-RANGE ATOMIC MISSILES...

THAT'S IT!WHAT'S IT? WHAT?

THAT'S WHAT MAI LING SAID.

SHE DIDN'T SAY "HOLLYHOCK,"
SHE SAID "HOLY LOCH."

WHAT WAS THAT DATE?

UH, JUNE 3.

HOLY LOCH, JUNE 3.

THE POLARIS DOCKS,
THEN THEY HIJACK HER.

BALSOM! I'M GONNA USE
THAT PHONE DOWN THE ROAD.

SEE IF YOU CAN HEAR ANY MORE.ALL RIGHT.

...A WARRANT HAS BEEN
ISSUED FOR THE ARREST

OF CHRISTOPHER PEPPER
AND CHARLES SALT.

SALT, THE ENTERTAINER,
IS BELIEVED TO BE
OF AFRICAN DESCENT.

THE CHARGES RELATE TO
UNAUTHORIZED POSSESSION

AND USE
OF HIGH EXPLOSIVES.

SCOTLAND YARD
IS NOW CONDUCTING
EXTENSIVE INQUIRIES...

GET OUT!

SORRY,
JUST PASSING THROUGH.

MARVELOUS CAR,
MARVELOUS!

WELL?I CAN'T GET HIM.
I'LL CALL THE POLICE.

NO, NO, NO DON'T YOU DO THAT.
COME OUT HERE.

THEY'VE GOT
A WARRANT FOR OUR ARREST OUT.

WHY?ON ACCOUNT OF THE BOMB.

I HEARD IT ON
THE RADIO JUST NOW.

WELL, IN THAT CASE,
CHARLIE BOY,
WE ARE ON OUR OWN.

ON OUR OWN? YOU MEAN,

YOU AND ME AGAINST
ALL OF THEM GUYS?

YOU'RE LOOKING AT
A VERY UNHAPPY AFRICAN.

WHAT? OH, NEVER MIND.

THE MOTHER AND ALL 4 BABIES ARE DOING WELL.

AND ON THAT CHEERFUL NOTE, WE END THIS NEWS.

NOW PLEASE TUNE IN FOR OUR NEXT NEWS AT 9:00.

PEOPLE OF GREAT BRITAIN,

HERE IS AN ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE GREATEST IMPORTANCE.

YOU ARE ASKED TO TUNE IN
TO THE UNUSED
CHANNEL 14 AT 7:00 TONIGHT,

WHEN THE PRIME MINISTER
WILL ADDRESS THE NATION.

I'M NOT SPEAKING
AT 7:00 TONIGHT, AM I?

N-N-NO, PRIME MINISTER.

RELIEF CREW HAS
REPORTED ABOARD, SIR.

WHAT RELIEF CREW?

SIR, THE CREW
WHICH IS JUST COMING DOWN.

DO AS YOU'RE TOLD
AND NOBODY WILL GET HURT.

I SAID DO AS YOU'RE TOLD
AND NOBODY WILL GET HURT.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

UH...

WE'RE ONE OF THEM.
WE'RE GOING INSIDE.

WHO?

ONE OF THE-- ONE OF THE GUYS
OF THE SUBMARINE.

YOU KNOW, ONE OF YOU.

THE BOMB.

SHOW ME
YOUR NUMBERED PASS.

OH, JUST FORGOT IT,
DID WE?

I TELL YOU,
I USUALLY HAVE IT IN MY...

YOU GET BETTER
ALL THE TIME!

MY PLEASURE!

WILL YOU WATCH IT?

COME ON, LEAVE IT.

TAKE HIM OFF THE LEASH.
COME ON.

THE FIRST RESULTS SHOW

THAT THE WHOLE NATION
IS PRIMED.

DESPITE OFFICIAL DENIALS,
MILLIONS WILL BE
TUNED IN TO WATCH YOU.

SPLENDID.

CORPORAL!

PRIME MINISTER,
I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.

THE LEVER TO
SIGNAL THE HERCULES
TO LAUNCH THE MISSILE

WILL BE NEXT TO
YOU IN THE T.V. BOOTH.UNDERSTOOD.

AS SOON AS
THE OUTGOING
PRIME MINISTER

HAS ANNOUNCED THE
GOVERNMENT'S RESIGNATION,

YOU'LL BE JOINED HERE
BY YOUR PERSONAL GUARD

AND MAY THEN PROCEED TO
NUMBER 10 DOWNING STREET.

THE END OF A LONG DREAM,
EH, WOODSTOCK?YES, SIR.

WELL, LET'S GET ON WITH IT.RIGHT, SIR.

A MISSILE!
THOSE GUYS MUST BE
NUTTY AS FRUITCAKES!

RIGHT.

LEFT!SHOOT!

SALT!WHAT?

MY PLEASURE!

HOLD IT!

HOLD IT!

DON'T USE THAT GUN.

I WANT THEM ALIVE.
AND FIND OUT HOW
THEY GOT IN HERE.

RIGHT, SIR.

THERE'S GOT TO BE
A WAY THOUGH, CHRIS.

WE'RE STILL ALIVE,
AREN'T WE?

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

HEY!WHAT?

WHY THE TELEVISION?

PRIME MINISTER,
2 MINUTES TO TELECAST, SIR.

RIGHT.

EXCELLENT! BUT I STILL THINK
WE SHOULD PUT MORE EMPHASIS

ON OUR DOING IT
FOR THE PEOPLE.

OUR LOVE OF THEM.

I DON'T KNOW WHY WE NEED
ALL THIS SENTIMENTAL STUFF.

OH, IT'S EASY TO
SEIZE POWER, BOB,

BUT IT'S EASIER TO HANG ON
TO IT IF THEY'RE HAPPY.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I'LL DO AS YOU SUGGEST.

WELL, GOOD LUCK.THANK YOU.

EITHER NOTHING
WILL HAPPEN AT ALL

OR IT'S JUST SOME
CRAZY ADVERTISING STUNT.

IF IT IS,
THE ADVERTISERS CAN EXPECT
A VERY NASTY BUDGET.

AH, THANK YOU, THOMAS.

THE TOP SWITCH, SIR.

NOW WE'VE GOT THE FUSE,
THE DUST.

NOW WE GRIND
THE HEADS OF THE MATCHES
INTO A FINE POWDER,

WE MIX WITH THE DUST,
PUT THE FUSE IN,

COMPRESS IT ALL
VERY TIGHTLY--

WHAT ARE YOU RAVING ABOUT?

THE SMALLEST BOMB
IN THE WORLD!

WE CAN BLOW THAT
DOOR LOCK OFF LIKE THAT!

AH, IT'S NEARLY 7:00.

DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
CHARLIE?

WHAT?

THIS JUST MIGHT WORK.

STAND BY, SIR, THE TELECAST
IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.

YOU'RE ON NOW, SIR.

PEOPLE OF GREAT BRITAIN,
THIS IS YOUR PRIME MINISTER
SPEAKING.

IT'S BOB WEEDINGHAM!

I CLAIM TO BE
YOUR PRIME MINISTER

BECAUSE I AND MY
NEW CABINET COLLEAGUES

WILL SHORTLY BE
TAKING THE REINS

OF GOVERNMENT FROM
THE HANDS OF THOSE

WHO ARE LEADING
THIS BELOVED NATION OF OURS

TO A NEW WAR
AND INEVITABLE
NUCLEAR ANNIHILATION.

HAS HE GONE MAD?

I MUST TELL YOU FRANKLY THAT,
IN ORDER TO SAVE OUR COUNTRY,

WE ARE FORCED TO
RESORT TO EXTREME MEASURES.

A SPECIALLY TRAINED CREW OF OUR SUPPORTERS

HAS THEREFORE SEIZED THE ROYAL NAVY POLARIS SUBMARINEHERCULES.

DAMN IT, THOSE IDIOTS
DID KNOW SOMETHING!

I AM GIVING
THE INCUMBENT PRIME MINISTER
EXACTLY 30 MINUTES

IN WHICH TO PUBLICLY
TENDER HIS RESIGNATION.

FAILING THIS,
WITH THE DEEPEST REGRET,

I SHALL PULL THIS LEVER
WHICH YOU NOW SEE.

THIS IS A SIGNAL,
WHICH WILL ORDER THEHERCULES

TO DESTROY WITH
A NUCLEAR MISSILE

ONE LARGE
CENTER OF POPULATION

SOMEWHERE IN
THE BRITISH ISLES.

A TRULY DREADFUL THREAT.

BUT BETTER A MILLION DEAD NOW
THAN OUR WHOLE NATION
EVENTUALLY DESTROYED.

LEST ANYONE THINK
THAT THIS IS SOME IDLE BLUFF,

I AM NOW
SIGNALING THE SUBMARINE

TO FIRE AN ATOMIC MISSILE

AT THE UNINHABITED
ISLAND OF MACCRAW
IN THE OUTER HEBRIDES.

HURRY UP, WILL YOU?YEAH.

NOW LET'S GET THESE MATCHES
AND LIGHT THE FUSE.

COME ON, GIVE ME ONE OF
THE GOOD MATCHES, WILL YOU?

WHAT? YEAH.ONE OF THE GOOD MATCHES.

UM, CHARLIE.

YEAH?

I GROUND THEM ALL
UP FOR THE BOMB.

THAT'S GOOD,
GIVE ME ONE OF THE--

YOU GROUND THEM
ALL UP FOR THE BOMB?

WE AIN'T GOT ONE LEFT?WE DON'T.

NOTHING IN THE BOX?

YOU TOLD ME
TO GRIND THEM UP.I KNOW, I KNOW.

OH...

I CAN'T GET OVER IT!
THE ONE--

NOW THAT'S
WHAT I CALL KARATE!

HEY, OVER HERE.

THANK YOU.

NOT ME, YOU DUMMY!

CHARLIE!

AHA, YOU DARE TO CHALLENGE
THE MARQUIS DE VAIN? AHA!

"BEAT, PASS,
SEND YOU ASLANT, ASPRAWL
THEN AS I END THE REFRAIN"...

AHA, WATCH THIS ONE, BABY!
HERE IT COMES! "THRUST HOME!"

YUCK!

PEPPER!

PEPPER!

PEPPER! WHERE ARE YOU?

PEPPER!

OVER HERE!

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN THAT TOWER?

I SAW THIS MOVIE ONCE,
WHERE 2 GUYS WERE--

WE WILL BRING YOU
PEACE AND PROSPERITY
SUCH AS YOU HAVE NEVER KNOWN,

A GUARANTEED FUTURE
FOR YOUR CHILDREN.

WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?

I TOLD YOU NOT TO
WANDER AWAY. YOU OK?

YEAH.LET'S GET OUT.

GOOD.

I'M SURE THAT WHEN YOU,
MY PEOPLE,
LEARN OF OUR INTENTIONS,

YOU WILL WELCOME US
WITH OPEN ARMS.

STRIKE!

ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE DOWN.

WHERE? YOUR RIGHT!

SERGEANT! SIR.

ALL RIGHT,
USE YOUR WEAPONS.

BUT DON'T SHOOT TO KILL.

I STILL WANT THEM ALIVE.
ALL RIGHT?

PEPPER!

PEPPER!

GONE WILL BE ALL TALK
AND THREATS OF WAR.

WE SHALL RETURN TO A SECURE
AND PEACEFUL WAY OF LIFE.

SALT!

I-I'M SURE THAT, UH, WE CAN
RELY ON YOUR SUPPORT.

1, 2, 3!

AND AT THAT TIME, I--

STOP!

D'YOU EVER HEAR
OF BIG BERTHA?

YEAH!

WELL, THIS IS
A LONG SHOT.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

IT'S OUR ONLY HOPE.

COME ON, BABY!

FOR GOD'S SAKE,
PULL THAT LEVER AND
RELEASE THE MISSILE.

WAIT, I'VE GIVEN
MY WORD.

IF YOU DON'T DO IT NOW,
YOU IDIOT, THEN I WILL.

HOW DARE YOU
THREATEN THE PRIME MINISTER?

ALL RIGHT,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR A GREAT WELCOME!

ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT
IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK HOME!

3 CHEERS FOR SIR CHRISTOPHER
AND SIR CHARLES!

HIP HIP...

HURRAH!

HIP HIP...

HURRAH!

HIP HIP...

ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU TONIGHT!SEE YOU TONIGHT!

BYE!

SEE YOU LATER.

HERE, THESE ARE FOR YOU.

WELL, SIR CHARLES,
HOW DOES IT FEEL?

WELL, SIR CHRISTOPHER,
IT FEELS
ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!

DOESN'T IT, THOUGH?

I TELL YOU,
I CAN'T GET OVER IT!

HEY, THAT WAS A NICE
THING YOU DID FOR CRABBE.

WHAT'S A NEW
JAGUAR AMONG FRIENDS?

AND HE PROMISES TO
BE OUR FRIEND NOW.

I CAN'T GET OVER IT.
YOU AND ME AT THE PALACE.

SOMETHING, WASN'T IT?

THEY WERE SO NICE TO US.

OH, THEY'RE SUCH NICE PEOPLE.
NATURAL, CHARMING.

AND HE'S MUCH TALLER
THAN I EVER IMAGINED.

NO TALLER THAN YOU TODAY.

THANKS, CHRIS.

AND HE WAS INTERESTED
IN ALL THE THINGS WE DID!

DID YOU SEE HIM?
COMPACT TIME BOMB!

I THOUGHT
HE WAS GONNA
TAKE IT APART!

I'VE NEVER SEEN...

WHAT IS IT?

WAIT A MINUTE.

HOW DID THAT
GET IN MY POCKET?

I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT
SINCE THE CHINESE--IT'S TICKING!

OH, CHARLIE,
WILL YOU STOP--IT'S TICKING!

OH, DON'T BE SILLY.
YOU DON'T...

IT IS TICKING!

OVER HERE, MAN
COME ON, HURRY UP!

CLEAR THE STREET!OVER HERE!

THE DRAIN!

OH, NO!

ONE MOMENT PLEASE,
GENTLEMEN, SIR CHARLES.

MOVE YOUR CAR!

NO, IT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT,
GENTLEMEN.
I'M ALLOWED TO PARK HERE NOW.

HE WON'T LISTEN.

BUT I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU.
SHE'S A BEAUTY!

HERE HE COMES!

YOU AND I
ARE SALT AND PEPPER

YOU AND I
ARE EGGS AND BACON

AND UNLESS
I'M MUCH MISTAKEN

WE'RE COFFEE AND CREAM

WE WOULD SEEM
TO BE SKY AND SUNSHINE

WE NEED BOTH TO MAKE EITHER ONE SHINE

YOU CAN'T NAME
A FAMOUS DUO

TO COMPARE
WITH ME AND YOU-O

YOU AND I
ARE GREAT TOGETHER

SO WE FACE
OUR FATE TOGETHER

SO IN TUNE
THEY'LL WONDER

WHETHER WE'RE
ROGERS AND HART

IF WE PART,
THERE WILL BE NO SHOW, SIR

BUT TOGETHER
THERE ARE NO TWO CLOSER,
NO, SIR

WE BLEND LIKE CHOCOLATE AND MALT

SALT AND PEPPER

YEAH, PEPPER AND SALT

YOU KNOW THE NEXT TIME, I'M GONNA GET THE GIRL

THAT'S DEFINITE