All language subtitles for Mike.Birbiglia.My.Girlfriends.Boyfriend.2013.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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[audience chatter]

[cheers and applause]

- WOW.

[chuckles]

HEY, THANK YOU.

[cheers and applause continue]

THANKS.

THANK YOU, GUYS.

HEY, SEATTLE.

NICE TO SEE YOU.

LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK AT US.

WE'RE HERE.

THIS IS CRAZY.

IT'S INSANE.

SO ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO,

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE
WHO I KNOW

STARTED
TO GET MARRIED,

AND THAT WAS STRANGE FOR ME
BECAUSE I DON'T

REALLY BELIEVE IN THE IDEA
OF MARRIAGE.

AND THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE,
EXCEPT I HAVE A PROBLEM WHERE

SOMETIMES WHEN I THINK THAT I AM
RIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING,

IT CAN BE
A REAL SOURCE OF TENSION

BETWEEN ME AND THE PERSON
I'M ARGUING WITH.

AND THE REASON IT'S A SOURCE
OF TENSION IS THAT I'M RIGHT.

AND SO I REMEMBER DISTINCTLY
TALKING TO MY FRIEND DANA,

AND SHE GOES, "WELL, YOU DON'T
BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE FOR YOU,

BUT, OF COURSE, YOU BELIEVE
IN IT FOR OTHER PEOPLE."

AND I WAS LIKE,
"NO, I THINK IT'S INSANE,

YOU KNOW, FOR ANYONE."

AND SHE SAID, "WHY?"

AND I SAID,
"WELL, FIRST OF ALL,

IT JUST SEEMS DOOMED."

YOU KNOW, 50% OF MARRIAGES
END IN DIVORCE.

THAT'S JUST FIRST MARRIAGES,
BY THE WAY.

SECOND MARRIAGES, 60% TO 62%
END IN DIVORCE.

THIRD MARRIAGES,
70% TO 75% END IN DIVORCE.

THAT'S A LEARNING CURVE.

SECOND OF ALL,
MONOGAMY'S IMPOSSIBLE,

OR AT THE VERY LEAST,
NOT A SURE THING.

WHEN I SAY THAT,
I THINK PEOPLE ASSUME

THAT I'M IMPLYING THAT MEN ARE
INCAPABLE OF BEING FAITHFUL.

I THINK WOMEN
ARE JUST AS INCAPABLE,

BUT FOR MORE
SOPHISTICATED REASONS, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, WITH MEN,
WE'RE JUST REALLY SIMPLE.

WE HAVE
A VERY SIMPLE SEXUALITY.

WHEN I SAY THAT,
MY FEMALE FRIENDS ARE LIKE,

"WELL, WE LIKE SEX
JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO."

AND I SAID, "SURE,
BUT IT'S DIFFERENT."

AND THEY SAY, "HOW?"
AND I SAY,

"HAVE YOU EVER MASTURBATED
WHILE DRIVING A CAR?"

NUMBER THREE...

I'M NEVER GONNA BE HAPPY.

WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO BE
A PART OF THAT?

I THINK THAT'S NOT BROUGHT UP
OFTEN ENOUGH.

I, UM, I DIDN'T KNOW

THAT WOULD BE
THE REACTION.

OH, NO,
THAT'S THE HOPEFUL PART.

THE, UH...

I HAD ONE ALLY IN ALL THIS,
WHICH IS MY FRIEND ANDY,

AND HE'S A COMEDIAN AS WELL.

NOT ONLY DID WE DECIDE
WE WEREN'T GONNA GET MARRIED,

WE ACTUALLY TRIED TO STOP
OTHER PEOPLE WE KNEW

FROM GETTING MARRIED.

YEAH, WE WERE PRETTY GOOD
AT IT.

LIKE, WE STOPPED OR PUT ON HOLD

THREE OR FOUR MARRIAGES,
YOU KNOW.

WE WERE--
WE WERE PRETTY GOOD.

I MEAN, WE WEREN'T
LIKE THE BEST IN THE WORLD.

I'M SURE THERE ARE BETTER
IN EUROPE.

BUT WE WERE--
WE WERE SOLID, YOU KNOW.

LIKE, SO, LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE,
AT POINT MY FRIEND ALEX

WAS ABOUT
TO GET ENGAGED.

AND SO WE JUST
TOOK HIM TO DINNER.

AND DURING DESSERT, WE GAVE HIM
A LONG, HARD STARE.

WE SAID, "ARE YOU SURE
THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?"

AND THEN WE WENT COLD

TO GIVE HIM THE SENSE
OF WHAT IT WOULD FEEL LIKE

WHEN WE WEREN'T
FRIENDS ANYMORE.

SO FEBRUARY 27, 2007,

I'M AT ANDY'S HOUSE
IN LOS ANGELES.

AND EARLIER IN THE NIGHT,
I GOT IN AN ARGUMENT

WITH MY GIRLFRIEND
ON THE PHONE,

AND IT WAS A BAD ONE
BECAUSE I KNEW THAT I WAS RIGHT.

AND ANDY WAS A PERFECT PERSON
TO BE WITH

IN THIS KIND OF A SITUATION
'CAUSE HE'S THE KIND OF FRIEND

WHO JUST TAKES YOUR SIDE

REGARDLESS
OF WHETHER YOU'RE RIGHT.

HE SAYS STUFF LIKE,
"SHE SOUNDS CRAZY."

LIKE, EVEN IF
WHAT SHE'S SAYING

ISN'T THAT CRAZY,
LIKE, YOU'D BE LIKE,

"SHE ONLY EATS
WHOLE WHEAT BAGELS."

HE'D BE LIKE,
"SHE SOUNDS CRAZY!"

YOU'D BE LIKE, "THAT'S
NOT EVEN THE CRAZY PART!"

YOU KNOW.

SO I'M TELLING HIM
ABOUT HIS ARGUMENT.

AND HE GOES, "YOU'RE RIGHT."
I GO, "I KNOW.

I'M RIGHT."
HE GOES, "YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT."

I GO, "I KNOW I'M RIGHT.

I GOT TO TELL HER ABOUT THIS
IN THE MORNING."

AND I GET IN MY RENTAL CAR
TO HEAD BACK TO MY HOTEL,

AND I'M DRIVING
OUT OF ANDY'S SMALL ROAD,

AND I'M T-BONED!

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE
FAMILIAR WITH THIS TERM, UH...

THIS IS THE CULINARY WAY
OF DESCRIBING

WHEN YOU ARE HIT
BY ANOTHER CAR DRIVER'S SIDE

AT A 90-DEGREE ANGLE,
LIKE A T-BONE STEAK.

AND IN 1 1/2 SECONDS,

I'M SPUN AROUND,
AND I THINK I'M DEAD.

NO, WAIT, I'M PARALYZED.

AND THEN I HEAR NOTHING.

AND THEN I HEAR THE OTHER CAR
SKID OUT AND DRIVE AWAY.

[audience groans]

I KNOW.

LET ME TELL YOU
HOW THIS ARGUMENT STARTED.

I MET JENNY IN ST. LOUIS.

MY FRIEND ANDY AND I
WERE WORKING FOR HER COMPANY.

THEY WERE PERFORMING FOR A BUNCH
OF WRESTLING COACHES,

WHICH IS
REALLY MY DEMOGRAPHIC.

I, UH...

NO, I WAS VERY NERVOUS
ABOUT THIS.

I WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF
ABOUT TO GO ONSTAGE,

AND I WAS, LIKE, SCRAWLING NOTES
ON MY NAPKIN.

A LOT OF TIMES I'LL WRITE
KIND OF MANIC NOTES ON NAPKINS

OR HOTEL STATIONARY.

AND JENNY LOOKED AT ME,
AND SHE GOES,

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
AND I SAID,

"I'M WRITING MY SET LIST."

AND THEN SHE GOES,
"I THINK IT'LL BE FINE."

AND I WAS LIKE,
"NO, IT WON'T BE FINE."

AND THEN SHE WAS LIKE,
"I THINK IT WILL BE OKAY."

AND I SAID,
"WHY DO YOU THINK THAT?"

AND SHE SAID,
"WELL, YOU LOOK SO NERVOUS,

I THINK THEY'LL FEEL SORRY
FOR YOU."

BUT JENNY HAS
THIS REALLY SOFT, SWEET VOICE,

LIKE THE KIND OF VOICE
WHERE YOU

KIND OF GET AWAY
WITH SAYING ANYTHING.

AT ONE POINT, SHE SAID,

"IT SEEMS LIKE
YOU COMEDIANS ARE

A LOT FUNNIER ONSTAGE."

NORMALLY,
I'D BE OFFENDED BY THAT,

BUT IN THIS INSTANCE,
I WAS LIKE,

"YOU ARE RIGHT.
THAT IS A GREAT POINT.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOU KNOW."
SHE RE--SHE REALLY WAS.

YOU KNOW, FROM THE MOMENT
I MET JENNY,

I KNEW I WANTED TO SLEEP
WITH HER AT LEAST ONCE.

STAY WITH ME.
UH, I MEAN...

I MEAN THAT IN, LIKE,
IN THE MOST MEANINGFUL WAY.

LIKE, THAT WAS THE MOST
THAT I WAS CAPABLE OF IN MY LIFE

AT THAT POINT.
I--I'D JUS--

I'D JUST COME OFF A REALLY LONG,
DIFFICULT BREAKUP

WITH MY COLLEGE SWEETHEART

WHERE WE WERE
GONNA GET MARRIED,

AND--AND THEN WE WEREN'T.

AND THEN WHEN WE WEREN'T,
I WAS SO HEARTBROKEN,

I JUST KIND OF SWORE OFF
THE IDEA OF MARRIAGE

OR EVEN LIVING WITH SOMEONE
ENTIRELY, YOU KNOW, AND...

BUT FROM THE MOMENT I MET JENNY,
I JUST WANTED TO BE WITH HER.

AND I DIDN'T--I DIDN'T THINK
IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

LIKE, I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND
OF CONFIDENCE.

I ACTUALLY THINK OF MYSELF
AS A SEX MAYBE,

WHICH IS TO SAY
THAT IF I'M SEEING A GIRL,

SHE'D THINK, "I'D HAVE SEX
WITH HIM, MAYBE."

YOU KNOW, AND I'M--
I'M NOT ASHAMED OF THAT.

THERE WERE PERIODS IN MY LIFE
WHERE I WAS A SEX NEVER.

OR A SEX WITH SELF ALWAYS.
YEAH.

AND OFTEN.
SURPRISINGLY OFTEN.

YEAH, I JUST DON'T GIVE OFF
A GREAT FIRST IMPRESSION.

LIKE, I'LL GIVE YOU
AN EXAMPLE.

LIKE, THIS IS THE SHIRT
I DECIDED TO WEAR TONIGHT.

LIKE, I DIDN'T--I DIDN'T
SPILL MUSTARD ON THE REAL SHIRT

AND THIS
IS THE BACKUP SHIRT.

I MEAN, THIS IS MY "A" OUTFIT.

[laughter and applause]

MY "B" OUTFIT WAS NAKED.

I LIKE TO DRESS DOWN
TO PERPETUATE THE MYTH

THAT I MIGHT
BE A FIXER-UPPER.

I'VE REACHED THIS POINT
IN MY LIFE I DON'T REALLY LOOK

IN THE MIRROR
BEFORE I LEAVE MY APARTMENT.

I GLANCE AT IT TO MAKE SURE
I'M NOT BLEEDING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE...

BUT I DON'T
STARE AT THE MIRROR.

IF I STARE AT THE MIRROR,
I GET ANGRY.

LIKE, I FEEL LIKE
I'M COMPLAINING

ABOUT A BAD CALL
A REF JUST MADE.

I'M LIKE, "COME ON!"

"YOU'RE BLIND IF YOU'RE
LEAVING THE HOUSE LIKE THAT!"

AND THE REF IS GOD,

AND THE COMPETING TEAMS ARE
MY GUT AND MY RECEDING HAIRLINE.

AND IT'S A CLOSE GAME

'CAUSE MY GUT IS LARGE
AND MY HAIRLINE IS FAST,

AND I'M ALL RILED UP.

I'M ABOUT TO CHARGE
THE FIELD.

AND THE GUY COMES BY
WITH FRIED DOUGH.

AND I'M LIKE, "NEXT TIME."

YOU KNOW, THAT'S HOW
I GO FOR FRIED DOUGH,

'CAUSE I HAVE A PROBLEM.

I JUST--

[laughing]
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

CAN YOU FOLLOW ME OVER HERE
FOR A SECOND?

I'M GONNA
JUMP OFF STAGE.

THIS IS ONLY IN SEATTLE WHERE
SOMEONE IS WEARING NO SHOES?

[laughter and applause]
NO SHOES OR SOCKS?

WHAT?
WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

[cheers and applause]

I WOULD EXPECT THAT BEHAVIOR
FROM THIS GUY,

BUT NOT YOU, SIR,

NOT YOU!

[laughing]
WHAT IS THIS?

WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU ARE?

- FROM SEATTLE!

- YEAH, SEATTLE.

SO I'VE BEEN GOING,

UH, RECENTLY
TO A WOMEN'S EXERCISE CLASS.

I-I'VE GIVEN UP ON HAVING
A TRADITIONAL MALE PHYSIQUE.

AND SO NOW I'M GOING
FOR STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN.

AND, UH...

IT'S GOING PRETTY WELL,
YOU KNOW.

I'M NOT AS GOOD IN THE CLASS
AS YOU MIGHT THINK.

SOMETIMES I'LL KIND OF SKIP
WHOLE SECTIONS

OF THE MORE DIFFICULT EXERCISES

WHEN THE INSTRUCTOR
ISN'T LOOKING.

BUT THEN WHEN SHE LOOKS OVER,
I ALWAYS HAVE TO STRIKE A POSE

AS THOUGH I'VE BEEN DOING WHAT
EVERYBODY ELSE HAS BEEN DOING.

IT REMINDS ME
OF THE OLYMPICS.

YOU KNOW HOW
THEY DO GYMNASTICS,

HOW THEY'LL HAVE THOSE--

THE GIRLS WILL DO
THOSE CRAZY FLIPS AND TWIRLS.

AND EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE--

AND I'M NOT SAYING I ROOT
FOR THIS TO HAPPEN,

BUT SOMETIMES THEY'LL FALL,
AND IT'S UGLY

'CAUSE THEY'RE
ROLLING AROUND LIKE,

"I'M IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.

LIKE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW I GOT HERE."

BUT AT THE END OF THAT,
NO MATTER WHAT...

[cheers and applause]

AND I TOTALLY FALL FOR IT.

I'M LIKE, "THAT CAN'T POSSIBLY
BE THE SAME LOSER

"FROM MOMENTS AGO.

"I MEAN, THAT'S
A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON.

"THIS PERSON
HAS MUCH BETTER POSTURE,

FOR STARTERS."

I REALLY WANTED JENNY
TO COME OUT WITH ME AND ANDY

THAT NIGHT IN ST. LOUIS
'CAUSE WE WERE GOING OUT

TO ONE OF THESE FAMOUS
IRISH PUBS

WHERE NO ONE CAN HEAR
ANYONE SPEAK.

AND SO I THOUGHT THAT MIGHT
WORK TO MY ADVANTAGE.

I DON'T KNOW, AND, UH...

I DIDN'T HAVE THE NERVE
TO ASK HER MYSELF,

AND SO I CONVINCED
ANDY TO ASK HER FOR US.

AND, UH...
PFFT.

WHICH--YEAH, I DON'T KNOW
IF THAT WAS THE BEST IDEA

'CAUSE, UH, WE'RE HEADING--

WE'RE IN THE CAR HEADING
TO THE PUB, AND JENNY SAYS,

"OH, I LEFT MY I.D.
AT THE HOTEL."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, WE CAN JUST
SWING BACK AND GET IT."

AND SHE'S LIKE--SHE'S LIKE,
"NO, IT'LL BE FINE."

I WAS LIKE,
"NO, IT WON'T BE FINE

'CAUSE IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY,
AND THERE'S BOUNCERS."

AND SHE GOES,
"NO, IT'LL BE OKAY."

AND I WAS LIKE,
"NO, IT WON'T BE OKAY."

AND THEN WE GET TO THE PUB,
AND IT WAS FINE.

LIKE, THE BOUNCER JUST
KIND OF WAVED HER THROUGH,

WHICH HAS NOT BEEN MY EXPERIENCE
WITH BOUNCERS.

FOR ME, BOUNCERS
ARE LIKE PRISON GUARDS.

AND FOR JENNY, THEY'RE LIKE
BIRTHDAY CLOWNS LIKE,

YOU KNOW, "WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE
YOUR DAY BETTER?"

YOU KNOW, AND THAT'S--

WE'RE AT THE PUB, AND IT HAD
TAKEN SO MUCH CONVINCING

FOR ANDY TO GET JENNY
TO COME OUT THERE.

BY THE TIME SHE CAME OUT,

SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS
ON A DATE WITH HIM.

AND, YEAH,
THAT WASN'T THE IDEA.

AND SO I SAID--I HAD TO CONVINCE
HIM TO FALL AWAY AS THE NIGHT

WENT ON, LIKE THE RED ROCKETS
ON THE SPACE SHUTTLE.

AND EVENTUALLY,
SHE REALIZED

SHE WAS ON A DATE WITH ME,

AND SHE WAS NOT HAPPY
ABOUT THAT.

BUT, UH...

BUT SHE WARMED TO ME
AS THE NIGHT WENT ON

'CAUSE SHE WAS DRINKING,
AND THEN, LIKE--

NO, BY THE END OF THE NIGHT,
WE WERE LAUGHING

AND HAVING A GOOD TIME,
AND WE--I CAUGHT A BREAK,

WHICH IS WE SHARED A RIDE
BACK TO OUR HOTEL

WITH ONE OF THEIR FRIENDS,
AND SHE AND I

WERE STUFFED IN
THIS LITTLE BACK SEAT TOGETHER.

AND IT WAS REALLY QUIET,
SO I COULD HEAR HER SOFT VOICE.

AND SHE TOLD ME SHE HAD JUST
COME OFF A LONG,

DIFFICULT BREAKUP,
AND I TOLD HER ABOUT MY BREAKUP.

AND FOR A MOMENT THERE
IN THE BACK SEAT,

IT FELT LIKE WE WERE
HOLDING UP TWO HALVES

OF A BROKEN PAPER HEART,
AND...

WE GET BACK TO THE HOTEL,
AND I OFFER TO WALK HER

TO HER ROOM,
AND SHE SAYS, "SURE."

WE GET TO HER DOOR, AND I DIDN'T
WANT THIS NIGHT TO END.

AND SO I BUILD UP THE COURAGE
TO LEAN IN TO KISS HER,

AND SHE SAYS,
"OH, NO, THANK YOU."

WHICH I THOUGHT WAS POLITE...
BUT DISAPPOINTING.

I MEAN, THERE'S SOMETHING
ABOUT A REJECTED KISS

THAT IS THE MOST PERSONAL TYPE
OF REJECTION

BECAUSE YOU'RE REALLY PUTTING
YOURSELF OUT THERE.

YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "I THINK
WE SHOULD CONNECT MOUTHS,"

YOU KNOW, AND...
THE OTHER PERSON'S LIKE,

"I DO NOT THINK
WE SHOULD CONNECT MOUTHS."

AND THOSE ARE...

THEY'RE TWO VERY DIFFERENT
MOUTH AGENDAS, YOU KNOW.

AND THEN YOU JUST FEEL
SO STUPID.

YOU'RE LIKE, "I NEVER
SHOULD HAVE SUGGESTED

WE CONNECT MOUTHS,
YOU KNOW."

THIS IS A SORE SUBJECT
FOR ME.

I HAVE SORT OF A LONG HISTORY
OF FAILED KISSES.

LIKE, I--
I REMEMBER GROWING UP,

LIKE, WHEN PEOPLE
STARTED MAKING OUT.

LIKE, IN MY TIME
IN MASSACHUSETTS,

IT WAS IN SEVENTH GRADE.
I REMEMBER--

I REMEMBER IT
LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY

'CAUSE I WAS SHOCKED.

I WAS LIKE, "PEOPLE WE KNOW

ARE JUST MAKING OUT
WITH OTHER PEOPLE WE KNOW?"

"BUT HOW?"
YOU KNOW.

IT SEEMED LIKE AN ALIEN RITUAL
WHERE THESE TWO ALIENS

JUST ATTACH ORIFICES
ALL OF A SUDDEN.

I WAS LIKE,
"I AM NOT DOING THAT."

AND COLLECTIVELY,
ALL THE GIRLS IN MY CLASS

WERE LIKE,
"THAT IS FINE.

"YOU ARE NOT ON THE LIST.

"YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY
A FIRST-ROUND DRAFT PICK

FOR OUR NEW ACTIVITY."

I WAS LIKE, "PERFECT."
IT SEEMED SO GROSS TO ME.

AND IT STILL DOES KIND OF.

LIKE, SOMETIMES YOU HEAR
THESE HOMOPHOBIC ARGUMENTS

FROM THESE GUYS
WHO ARE LIKE,

"I DON'T LIKE
WHEN I SEE TWO DUDES

MAKING OUT
IN THE STREET."

AND I FEEL THAT WAY
ABOUT ANYONE.

LIKE, MAKING OUT
IS JUST SLOPPY.

IT'S LIKE WATCHING A DOG
EAT SPAGHETTI.

[laughter and applause]

THAT'S HOW I MAKE OUT.
IS THAT RIGHT?

DOES ANYBODY KNOW
IF THAT'S RIGHT?

OKAY, GOOD.
SO...

IN SEVENTH GRADE,
I WAS LIKE,

"I'M NOT GONNA
MAKE OUT WITH ANYBODY."

AND THAT WAS FINE FOR A WHILE,
BUT INCREASINGLY,

IT KIND OF DIVIDED THE CLASS
INTO TWO DISTINCT PARTS.

IT WAS LIKE, THE MAKE-OUT CLUB
AND THE NON-MAKE-OUT CLUB.

AND THESE WERE INFORMAL
ORGANIZATIONS, OF COURSE.

I MEAN, I WOULD BE SAD IF THAT
WERE SCHOOL-SANCTIONED, LIKE,

"WE CALL THIS MEETING OF
THE NON-MAKE-OUT CLUB TO ORDER.

"FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS,
NINTENDO.

"SECOND ORDER OF BUSINESS,
WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LIKE US?

MEETING ADJOURNED."

I DON'T KNOW,
IT WAS A SAD GROUP,

AND WE WERE LOSING GOOD GUYS
BY THE DAY.

I FEARED--I FEARED THAT SOON
I WOULD BE THE LONE MEMBER

OF THE NON-MAKE-OUT CLUB,
SO I WAS LIKE,

"I GOT TO TRY TO GET
INTO THE MAKE-OUT CLUB."

BUT IT WAS
A VERY INTANGIBLE GOAL.

I DIDN'T REALLY TALK
TO A LOT OF GIRLS, AND...

THERE WAS ONE GIRL WHO SAT
IN FRONT OF ME IN CLASS

NAMED LISA BAZETTI
WHO I HAD A HUGE CRUSH ON,

BUT SHE WAS WAY
OUT OF MY LEAGUE.

LIKE, SHE HAD MANY SUITORS.

SHE HAD--I DON'T--

THE REST OF THE SHOW
IS IN OLD ENGLISH.

UH...

[British accent]
SHE DOTH HAD MANY SUITORS!

UH, NO, SHE HAD MANY,
YOU KNOW, ADMIRERS.

AND THERE WERE
THREE OF US, REALLY,

AND I WAS IN THIRD PLACE
IN ALL THE TRADE PUBLICATIONS,

BUT I HAD ONE ADVANTAGE
OVER THESE OTHER GUYS,

WHICH IS SHE HAD TO TALK TO ME
ON THE PHONE

EVERY NIGHT ABOUT HOMEWORK,
THANKS TO ALPHABETICAL ORDER.

BAZETTI, BIRBIGLIA.

ONE TIME I SAID SOMETHING ON
THE PHONE THAT MADE HER LAUGH,

AND I WAS LIKE,
"OH, THIS IS GREAT.

I GOT TO DO THAT MORE."

AND ONE TIME WE WERE
ON THE PHONE,

AND SHE WAS LAUGHING SO HARD,
I REMEMBER SO WELL

'CAUSE SHE GOES,
"MIKE, YOU GOT TO STOP.

I'M GONNA PEE MYSELF."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WOW."

THIS WAS THE CLOSEST
I'D EVER COME TO A VAGINA.

SO SPENT
THE NEXT 15 YEARS

TRYING TO GET LISA BAZETTI
TO PEE.

AND THAT'S HOW
I ENDED UP HERE.

[cheers and applause]

YEAH.

THAT'S HOW WE ALL ENDED UP HERE,
IN A SENSE.

SO...UH...

SO HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED
WITH LISA.

ONE TIME I BUILT UP
THE COURAGE TO ASK HER

TO GO TO THE CARNIVAL WITH ME,
AND SHE SAID YES.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
LIKE, ALL OF A SUDDEN I THOUGHT,

"WELL, MAYBE THIS
WILL BE LIKE

"ONE OF THOSE ROMANTIC COMEDY
MONTAGES.

"WE'LL GO TO THE CARNIVAL,
WE'LL GET STUCK

"ON THE TOP OF THE FERRIS WHEEL,
WE'LL MAKE OUT.

"IT'LL ALL TAKE
A MINUTE AND A HALF,

AND IT WILL BE SET
TO PHIL COLLINS SONG."

BUT I THINK THAT
WHEN YOU'RE 12 YEARS OLD,

YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
CERTAIN THINGS

ABOUT YOUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU
SHOULDN'T EAT POPCORN

AND PEANUTS AND ICE CREAM
AND COTTON CANDY

AND THEN STEP ONTO A MACHINE

CALLED THE SCRAMBLER.

[laughter and groans]

COTTON CANDY BEING
THE MOST INSANE OF THESE ITEMS.

IT'S BASICALLY SAYING,
"WE'RE GONNA TAKE SUGAR,

"WHICH EVERYONE
KNOWS IS BAD,

BUT THEN WE'LL DRESS IT UP
LIKE INSULATION."

AND I'M LIKE, "I'M NOT SURE

"WHAT THE SELLING POINT
IS THERE.

IS IT THE SUGAR
OR THE INSULATION?"

THEY'RE LIKE,
"WE ALREADY SOLD IT."

I'M LIKE, "WELL DONE,
WAY TO MOVE THE PRODUCT

BEFORE THE INFORMATION CAMPAIGN
DISSEMINATES."

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE
THE SCRAMBLER HERE IN SEATTLE.

I IMAGINE YOU MIGHT.
IT TRAVELS ON A TRUCK.

IT IS
A VERY MOBILE SCRAMBLING UNIT.

THE PREMISE
IS VERY SIMPLE.

YOU JUST SIT
ON A TWO-PERSON POD

WITH THE PERSON
YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH,

AND THAT POD
GOES IN A CIRCLE,

WHICH IS PART
OF A LARGER CIRCLE,

WHICH IS PART
OF AN EVEN GRANDER CIRCLE.

AS I UNDERSTAND IT,
IT WAS ORIGINALLY DESIGNED

AS A MEDICAL DEVICE
FOR CONSTIPATED PATIENTS.

IT WAS CALLED
THE "SHITS OF PANTS-ERATOR,"

AND IT WAS
WILDLY SUCCESSFUL.

AND THEN IT WAS CO-OPTED BY
THE CARNIVAL WORKERS OF AMERICA.

CWOA.
AND THEY SAID--

THEY SAID, "WE LIKE IT,
BUT WE DO FEEL LIKE THE NAME

IS A LITTLE BIT
OF A TURNOFF."

AND THEN ONE GUY SAYS,
"WELL, WHAT ABOUT

THE 'I THINK
I'M GONNA DIE-ERATOR'?"

AND THEY'RE LIKE,
"THAT'S GOOD,

"'CAUSE IT GETS ACROSS
THE ESSENCE OF HOW YOU FEEL

"WHEN YOU'RE ON THE MACHINE.

"PLUS IT HAS THE ADDED WORDPLAY
WITH DIARRHEA,

"WHICH IS A NICE HOMAGE

"TO THE ORIGINAL INTENTION
OF THE MACHINE,

"BUT WE STILL FEEL LIKE
THE NAME

MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT
OF A TURNOFF."

AND THEN ONE GUY GOES, "WELL,
WHAT ABOUT THE SCRAMBLER?

'CAUSE IT SCRAMBLES YOU!"

THEY'RE LIKE,
"WE GET IT, FRANK, BUT WHO..."

FRANK IS A MANIAC.

THIS GUY CAN'T BE STOPPED,

BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
HE'S GOT A GOOD IDEA.

"BUT WHO WILL BE IN CHARGE

OF THIS DANGEROUS PIECE
OF EQUIPMENT?"

AND THIS ONE GUY GOES,

"WELL, I HAVE A NEPHEW
WHO'S 16 YEARS OLD

"AND SMOKES POT
24 HOURS A DAY.

I FEEL LIKE
HE MIGHT BE AVAILABLE."

AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"HE SOUNDS AMAZING.

"WE DON'T EVEN NEED
TO INTERVIEW HIM.

HE SOUNDS
COMPLETELY QUALIFIED."

I SIT DOWN WITH LISA
ON THE SCRAMBLER,

AND I'M FEELING GOOD.

LIKE, SHE'S SNUGGLING UP
CLOSE TO ME,

AND I'M THINKING--

I'M THINKING LIKE,
"THIS COULD BE IT.

"THIS COULD BE
WHERE IT'S ALL GONNA HAPPEN.

THIS IS VERY SPECIAL."

AND THEN THEY PUT
THAT BAR SEAT BELT DOWN.

AND THE BAR SEAT BELT IS NOT

A REASSURING PIECE
OF SAFETY EQUIPMENT.

IT'S NOT A RALPH NADER
APPROVED ITEM.

I DON'T THINK
IT'S SAVED LIVES.

I THINK THE ONLY THING IT'S EVER
DONE IS IN A SCRAMBLER ACCIDENT,

IT'S JUST SORT OF HELD SOMEONE'S
ESOPHAGUS DOWN TO THE PAVEMENT,

MAKING SURE
THAT THEY ARE DEAD

AND THAT THEY CANNOT TALK
ABOUT THE SCRAMBLER ACCIDENT.

FIRST RULE
OF SCRAMBLER ACCIDENT,

DON'T TALK
ABOUT SCRAMBLER ACCIDENT.

THAT'S FROM SCRAMBLER CLUB.

WELL, I KNEW FROM THE MOMENT
THEY PUT THE BAR SEAT BELT DOWN

THAT I WAS GOING TO THROW UP
FOR SURE.

AND I EVEN SAID
TO THE 16-YEAR-OLD STONER,

I WAS LIKE,
"HEY, ACTUALLY--"

AND THEN HE WAS GONE.

APPARENTLY, HE DOESN'T ENJOY
THE SECOND HALVES OF SENTENCES.

[laughter]

SO THEN I'M SCRAMBLING, AND...

[applause]

AS I AM SCRAMBLING,
I'M THINKING,

"I NEED TO COME UP
WITH A PLAN OF SOME KIND.

I'M NOT GOING DOWN
WITHOUT A FIGHT."

MY FIRST PLAN
WAS VERY SIMPLE.

IT WAS JUST
DON'T LOOK AT LISA,

DON'T LOOK
AT ANY OTHER PEOPLE.

I WAS LIKE,
"DON'T LOOK AT LISA,

"DON'T LOOK
AT ANY OTHER PEOPLE.

"DON'T LOOK AT LISA,

"DON'T LOOK
AT ANY OTHER PEOPLE.

I NEED A NEW PLAN."

AND...

THE NEW PLAN

WAS I NEEDED TO TELL
THE SCRAMBLER OPERATOR...

THAT HE NEEDED
TO STOP THE RIDE, BUT...

THE MATHEMATICS
OF THE SCRAMBLER

ARE SUCH THAT THE WINDOW

OF OPPORTUNITY
IN WHICH ONE CAN COMMUNICATE

WITH THE SCRAMBLER OPERATOR
IS A VERY LIMITED WINDOW.

SO I'M LIKE, "I GOT TO TELL HIM
HE'S GOT TO STOP THE RIDE.

"I GOT TO TELL HIM HE'S GOT
TO STOP THE RIDE.

"I GOT TO TELL HIM
HE'S GOT TO STOP THE RIDE.

PLEASE STOP THE RIDE!"
AND I'M BACK!

"I'M NOT SURE HE HEARD ME.

"I GOT TO SAY IT LOUDER.
PLEASE STOP THE RIDE!

"I'M NOT SURE
HE'S PAYING ATTENTION.

I THINK HE MIGHT BE
SMOKING POT RIGHT NOW."

THE THIRD TIME I SAID,
"PLEASE STOP."

AND THEN
I STARTED THROWING UP,

AND IT WAS NOT UNLIKE
AN OSCILLATING LAWN SPRINKLER,

JUST...
[imitates water firing]

POPCORN, PEANUTS...
INSULATION.

REALLY, INSULATING THE PAVEMENT
WITH MY HOMEMADE CARNIVAL SALSA.

I DID NOT LOOK AT LISA.

[panting]

BUT I'M PRETTY SURE
SHE WAS STARING AT ME

BECAUSE I WAS A SPECTACLE
AT THAT POINT.

I WAS SPECTACULAR.

AND WE DID NOT MAKE OUT.

I DID NOT LOSE
MY MOUTH VIRGINITY THAT EVENING.

TWO YEARS LATER,
IT GETS WORSE.

UM...I'M AT
THE ST. JOHN'S HIGH SCHOOL,

WHAT THEY CALL
A CATTLE CALL DANCE.

THIS IS AN ALL BOYS
CATHOLIC SCHOOL I ATTENDED

WHERE THEY
WOULD INVITE THE GIRLS

FROM ALL OVER THE STATE TO
OUR SWEATY ST. JOHN'S GYMNASIUM

LIKE CATTLE,

WHICH IS A FRIENDLY WAY
TO DESCRIBE WOMEN, YOU KNOW.

SO...

CATTLE SHOWS UP AT 8:00.

WE'LL MAKE OUT
WITH THE CATTLE.

CATTLE GOES HOME AT 10:00.
THEN WE GO OUT FOR BURGERS.

COMPLETELY SEPARATE
FROM THE CATTLE ANALOGY.

IT WAS A HORRIBLE AFFAIR.

IT WAS JUST LIKE THIS ROOM
CHOCK-FULL OF SWEAT

AND HORMONES
AND DRAKKAR NOIR

AND LED ZEPPELIN
AND MAKING OUT.

AT THIS POINT, I WAS, INDEED,
THE LONE MEMBER

OF THE NON-MAKE-OUT CLUB,

BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY WORSE
THAN THAT

'CAUSE I HAD TO LIE TO
MY FRIENDS AND TELL THEM

I HAD HAD MY FIRST KISS
'CAUSE IT WAS, LIKE,

THIS REALLY TOUGH,
ALL BOYS SCHOOL.

AND SO WHEN
THEY WOULD ASK, LIKE,

"OH, HAVE YOU
HAD YOUR FIRST KISS?"

I'D BE LIKE, "YEAH,
LIKE, ALL THE TIME.

LIKE, EVERY--EVERY WEEK."

I ALWAYS FEARED AT SOME POINT
THERE'D BE A FOLLOW-UP QUESTION

LIKE, "OH, YEAH?
WHAT'S IT LIKE?"

AND I'D BE LIKE, "YEAH,
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST LIKE

LICKING AN ICE CREAM CONE."

AND THEY'D BE LIKE,
"NO, IT'S NOT.

IT'S LIKE SUCKING
ON A ROCKET POP."

AND I'D BE LIKE, "AH,
WRONG FROZEN DESSERT ANALOGY."

I'M AT THE DANCE,
AND I'M FLANKED

BY MY FRIEND SAM RICCIARDI.

AND WE'RE INTRODUCED
BY OUR FRIEND TOM

TO THESE GIRLS
FROM HIS TOWN.

THEY WERE THE LAST TWO COWS
AT THE DANCE.

THEY WERE LIKE, "MOO!"

AND WE WERE LIKE, "MOO!"

AND THEN SAM SAYS
ONE OF THESE PHRASES

I THINK WE'VE ALL HEARD BUT IS
VERY UNCOMFORTABLE TO REPEAT.

HE SAYS,

"YOU GET THAT ONE."

WHICH I KNOW
IT'S THE WORST TURN OF PHRASE,

BUT I'M COMFORTABLE SAYING IT
'CAUSE I KNOW I'VE BEEN

ON THE NEGATIVE END
OF THAT CONVERSATION

WHERE A GIRL SAYS OF ME,
"YOU GET THAT ONE."

AND THEN HER FRIEND
GOES LIKE, "OOF."

YOU KNOW, OR EVEN WORSE--
OR EVEN WORSE, LIKE,

"YOU OWE ME,"
WHICH REALLY HURTS

THINKING OF SOMEONE INCURRING
DEBT BASED ON MY APPEARANCE.

I WOULD HATE TO HURT SOMEONE'S
CREDIT SCORE, YOU KNOW.

SO HE GOES--HE GOES,
"YOU GET THAT ONE."

AND THEN I'M JUST FAST DANCING

WITH THIS GIRL, SANDRA,
TO YOUNG MC'S BUST A MOVE.

AND I'M NOT GREAT
AT FAST DANCING,

BUT THEY HAD
THE STROBE LIGHT GOING,

SO IT'S ONLY CATCHING ME
ONE OUT OF EVERY FIVE...

HEY!

SO SHE'S LOSING INTEREST,
BUT AT 1/5 THE SPEED.

AND THEN I'M SAVED BY
A SLOW SONG, STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN,

WHICH IS
A CLASSIC MAKE-OUT ANTHEM.

LED ZEPPELIN,
EIGHT MINUTES LONG.

WHAT'S GREAT ABOUT SLOW DANCING
IS YOU CAN'T REALLY MESS IT UP

'CAUSE IT'S JUST
SORT OF A SLOW-MOTION HUG.

LIKE, THE ONLY WAY
YOU COULD MESS IT UP IS

IF YOU JUST STARTED FAST DANCING
IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.

SHE'D BE LIKE,
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

AND I'D BE LIKE, "I DON'T PICK
UP ON SOCIAL CUES," YOU KNOW.

BUT IT'S SUCH A LONG SONG,
YOU KNOW, STAIRWAY,

SO I'M JUST
TRYING NOT TO FIDGET.

I'M SORT OF
A FIDGETY PERSON.

I FEARED
IF I FIDGETED TOO MUCH,

I MIGHT INITIATE
THE HEAD TILT TOO EARLY.

I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT MAKING OUT,

BUT I'D SEEN PEOPLE DO IT.

I COULD SEE
THERE'S, LIKE, A HEAD TILT.

I HAD HEARD
THERE WERE TONGUES INVOLVED.

AND I COULD SEE THAT THERE WAS,
LIKE, SOME KIND OF SPACE

IN BETWEEN THE TWO MOUTHS.

TO ME THAT WAS
THE MOST MYSTERIOUS PART

OF THE WHOLE THING.

WHAT IS HAPPENING
IN THAT SPACE?

THERE IS NO...
YOU KNOW,

THERE'S NO VIDEO DOCUMENTATION
OF THAT AREA.

IT'S LIKE THE GIANT SQUID
OF MAKING OUT.

NO ONE HAS SEEN IT ALIVE.

THEY'VE ONLY SEEN IT WASHED UP
ON THE SHORE...

WHICH IS MORE SPECIFIC TO
THE SQUID SIDE OF THAT ANALOGY,

BUT...
SO I'M TRYING NOT TO FIDGET.

THEN WITH 1 1/2 MINUTES LEFT
IN STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN,

THE SONG HITS
THAT CRESCENDO...

[humming Stairway to Heaven]

♪ ♪

ALL AROUND ME,
KIDS START TO MAKE THE TILT.

JUST A HARVEST OF TEENAGERS
MAKING OUT ALL AROUND ME.

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, NO.

I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE
ANYMORE."

AND I MAKE
THE SLIGHTEST TILT.

AND THEN SANDRA
COMES IN STRONG,

AND THEN
IT'S AN ALL-OUT MOUTH WAR.

AND SHE HAD ARTILLERY
'CAUSE SHE HAD BRACES.

IT WAS LIKE A DOG
EATING SPAGHETTI AND THE FORK.

AS THIS ORAL ATROCITY
IS TAKING PLACE,

ALL I CAN THINK IS,
"I'M NOT ALONE ANYMORE!

I'M NOT
IN THE NON-MAKE-OUT CLUB!"

[cheers and applause]

AND ALL I WANTED TO DO
WAS TELL MY FRIENDS,

BUT I COULDN'T
BECAUSE UP UNTIL THAT POINT,

I'D LIED AND SAID
THAT I'D HAD MY FIRST KISS.

I WALKED OFF THE DANCE FLOOR,
SAM WAS LIKE,

"HOW'D IT GO, DUDE?"

I HAD TO BE LIKE,
"SAME AS ALWAYS.

PRETTY SMOOTH."

AS THE WEEK WORE ON,
I STARTED TO CONVINCE MYSELF,

"WELL, MAYBE IT DID GO WELL,

"AND I SHOULD CALL SANDRA,
AND THIS COULD BUD

INTO A RELATIONSHIP
OF SOME KIND," BUT...

I GOT HER NUMBER FROM TOM,
AND THOSE CONVERSATIONS ENDED UP

BEING VERY BRIEF,
YOU KNOW.

WE DIDN'T HAVE A LOT
TO TALK ABOUT.

I REMEMBER JUST BEING LIKE,

"HEY, YOU LIKE FULL HOUSE?

"ME NEITHER.
COOL.

ALL RIGHT. LATER."
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AT CERTAIN POINTS, I REMEMBER
GETTING THIS VIBE FROM HER,

KIND OF LIKE,
"WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME?"

AND I REMEMBER THINKING,
"OH, I'M PROBABLY READING

INTO THAT ONE TOO MUCH,"
AND...

[laughter]

AND THEN
SHE STOPPED CALLING ME BACK.

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, YEAH,
I READ INTO THAT ONE PERFECTLY."

BUT I JUST FELT SO DUMB
ABOUT THE WHOLE THING,

AND THE WORST PART
IS I COULDN'T EVEN

TELL MY FRIENDS,
UNTIL ONE DAY I WAS--

I WAS STANDING BY MY LOCKER
WITH MY FRIEND TOM,

AND SO I SAID TO HIM,
I WAS LIKE,

"HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH SANDRA?

LIKE, SHE HASN'T
CALLED ME BACK."

AND TOM HAS THIS KNOWING GRIN
ON HIS FACE.

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"

TOM WAS LIKE, "NOTHING."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"

TOM WAS LIKE, "NOTHING."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"

TOM'S LIKE, "OH."

"I TALKED TO SANDRA,
AND SHE SAID

"YOU'RE THE WORST KISSER

SHE'S EVER KISSED."

AND IT WAS SO DEVASTATING
'CAUSE NOT ONLY

WAS IT PROBABLY TRUE,

BUT I COULDN'T EXPLAIN
TO MY FRIENDS WHY IT WAS TRUE.

I COULDN'T SAY,
"THAT MAKES SENSE.

I'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE."
SO INSTEAD I HAD TO PLAY IT OFF.

I HAD TO BE LIKE, "YEAH,
THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

"I'M A TERRIBLE KISSER.

THAT'S KIND OF MY THING."

SO I LEAN IN TO KISS JENNY,
AND SHE SAYS,

"OH, NO, THANK YOU."

SHE AGREES TO GO OUT WITH ME
IN NEW YORK.

WE WERE BOTH LIVING IN NEW YORK,
AND SHE GAVE ME HER NUMBER,

AND I TYPED IT IN MY PHONE,
AND FROM THAT POINT ON,

SHE WOULD BE
"JEN, IRISH PUB, NICE."

A FEW WEEKS LATER,
I TOOK HER OUT TO A RESTAURANT

I COULDN'T AFFORD
TO SHOW HER HOW MUCH MONEY

I COULD PUT
ON MY CREDIT CARD.

WE'RE OUT TO DINNER,
AND SHE SAYS TO ME, SHE GOES,

"EVERYONE HATES ME AT WORK,"
AND I SAID,

"WHY WOULD THEY HATE YOU?
I LOVE YOU."

SHE GOES, "YOU LOVE ME?"

I GO, "I MEAN,
YOU SEEM COOL."

I PULLED IT BACK.

I DIDN'T WANT TO SHOW
ALL MY CARDS.

JUST ABOUT NINE OF THEM.

ONE OF THE OTHER THINGS THAT
SHE SAID OF NOTE ON THIS DATE IS

SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
I'LL DATE TWO PEOPLE AT ONCE,

AND THAT WAY I'M NEVER LET DOWN
BY EITHER PERSON."

I SAID, "THAT SEEMS LIKE
A REALLY SMART PLAN.

LIKE, I'D LIKE TO DO THAT
AS WELL."

AND SHE SAID,
"I'M STILL KIND OF SEEING

MY EX-BOYFRIEND, JOHN, AND YOU
CAN SEE OTHER PEOPLE TOO,

BUT YOU HAVE TO TELL ME
IF YOU'RE SEEING THEM."

AND I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN.

"GOT IT. BREAK!

I GOT TO GO FIND
SOME MORE PEOPLE, YOU KNOW."

AND SO A FEW NIGHTS LATER,

I'M IN ANOTHER CITY,
AND I DO A SHOW,

AND AFTER THE SHOW,
I WENT OUT TO A BAR,

AND I ENDED UP MAKING OUT
WITH THIS RANDOM GIRL.

THEN A FEW NIGHTS LATER,
I'M OUT TO DINNER WITH JENNY,

AND SHE SAYS,
"HOW WAS YOUR TRIP?"

AND I SAID, "IT WAS GREAT.
I DID SOME SHOWS,

"AND THEN ONE NIGHT
I ENDED UP MAKING OUT

WITH THIS RANDOM GIRL."

AND THAT DIDN'T GO OVER
VERY WELL IN THE CONVERSATION.

I COULD SENSE THAT SOMETHING
WAS WRONG.

AND I WAS LIKE, "BUT I'M RIGHT
ABOUT THAT, RIGHT?

LIKE, I'M SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU
IF THAT HAPPENS, RIGHT?"

AND SHE SAYS, "YEAH,
BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN

"THAT I WON'T LOSE INTEREST
IN YOU."

AND I SAID,
"THAT'S A WHOLE NEW CLAUSE!

"THAT'S A TWIST!
WHAT IS THIS,

THE ROMANTIC COMEDY VERSION
OF THE USUAL SUSPECTS?"

I SAID,
"ARE YOU STILL SEEING JOHN?"

AND SHE SAID, "SOMETIMES."

I SAID, "WELL, DON'T YOU SEE
THE CONTRADICTION IN THAT?"

AND SHE SAYS, "YES."

AND IT GETS VERY QUIET...

BECAUSE WE WERE
FALLING IN LOVE.

THREE WEEKS INTO MY RELATIONSHIP
WITH JENNY,

I BUILT UP THE COURAGE TO ASK
HER TO GO ON A TRIP TO BERMUDA.

I WANTED TO SHOW HER
HOW MUCH MORE MONEY

I COULD PUT
ON MY CREDIT CARD.

SINCE I DIDN'T HAVE
A LOT LEFT,

WE WENT TO BERMUDA
'CAUSE IT WAS THE OFF SEASON.

YOU CAN GET
THESE GREAT DEALS ONLINE.

BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT,
WHEN IT'S WINTER IN NEW YORK,

IT IS ALSO WINTER...

IN BERMUDA, AND, UH...

JENNY AND I MEET UP
AT THE AIRPORT, AND SHE'S LATE,

WHICH IS
A BIG PET PEEVE OF MINE.

I FANCY MYSELF
AS A PROFESSIONAL TRAVELER.

I'M ALWAYS TWO HOURS EARLY,
I HAVE MY POCKET FOR MY TICKET

AND MY PASSPORT,
AND I HAVE LACELESS MOCCASINS.

I NEVER TELL JOKES
ABOUT BOMBS.

AND--AND JENNY'S LATE.

AND THEN WE GET TO SECURITY,
AND I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP,

SHE DOESN'T HAVE A LICENSE
OR A PASSPORT.

AND I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
I GO, "HOW DO YOU TRAVEL?"

AND SHE GOES, "WELL,

"USUALLY,
THEY LET ME ON THE PLANE

WITH MY CREDIT CARD
AND MY WORK I.D."

I DON'T LIKE TO DWELL
ON THE DIFFERENCES

BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN,
BUT I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE

A SCENARIO WHERE A MAN WOULD GO
TO THE AIRPORT WITH NO LICENSE

AND NO PASSPORT, AND THEY WOULD
LET HIM ON THE PLANE.

BUT WOMEN GET A PASS
ON THINGS LIKE THIS

THAT I FIND
COMPLETELY BEWILDERING.

I MEAN, IF I WERE IN CHARGE
OF AL-QAEDA, FOR EXAMPLE, WHAT--

WHAT I WOULD DO IS I WOULD
RECRUIT ATTRACTIVE WOMEN

BECAUSE THEY'RE JUST NOT STOPPED
UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

ALTHOUGH IT WOULD BE DIFFICULT
TO RECRUIT THEM

BECAUSE ALL THEY HAVE TO OFFER
ARE THE 72 VIRGINS

AND, YOU KNOW,
THE WOMEN WOULDN'T WANT THAT,

UNLESS THEY'RE LESBIANS,

ALTHOUGH THERE'S AN IDEA,
YOU KNOW.

AL-QAEDA...

AL-QAEDA COULD RECRUIT
HOT LESBIANS,

ALTHOUGH...THEN THEY'D
HAVE TO GUARANTEE

THAT THE 72 VIRGINS
ARE ALSO LESBIANS.

I MEAN, WHAT ARE THE ODDS,
YOU KNOW?

ALL 72 VIRGINS
ARE ALSO LESBIANS,

UNLESS YOU THINK OF SEXUALITY
AS, LIKE, A BLANK SLATE CONCEPT

WHERE THE FIRST PERSON
YOU HAVE SEX WITH

DICTATES YOUR SEXUAL IDENTITY.

LIKE THE 72 VIRGINS ARE LIKE,

"I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
I WAS A LESBIAN

"UNTIL I HAD SEX
WITH THAT HOT LESBIAN TERRORIST.

"AND NOW
THAT'S ALL I'M INTO.

"I USED TO BE INTO THESE AFGHANI
GUYS WHO ARE SO CRAZY,

"THEY'D DIE IN A FIERY
PLANE CRASH TO HAVE SEX WITH ME

"AND 71 OF MY FRIENDS.

BUT NOW I DON'T SEE KHALID
IN THE SAME WAY ANYMORE."

THE POINT IS,
WE WENT TO BERMUDA,

AND WE'RE ON THE FLIGHT...

[applause]
[laughs]

ON THE FLIGHT, AND
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT COMES OVER,

AND SHE PUTS CHAMPAGNE GLASSES
DOWN IN FRONT OF US.

AND SHE SAYS, "CONGRATULATIONS
ON YOUR HONEYMOON."

AND WE SAID, "OH, NO, THANKS.
WE'RE NOT ON OUR HONEYMOON."

AND SHE WALKS AWAY, AND JENNY
SAYS, "THAT'S SO FUNNY.

I DON'T THINK
I'LL EVER GO ON A HONEYMOON."

AND I SAID, "OH, REALLY?"
AND SHE GOES, "YEAH.

I DON'T THINK I'D EVER
WANT TO GET MARRIED IN MY LIFE."

AND I SAID, "OH, REALLY?"
I GO, "ME TOO."

I SAID, "IS THAT
BASED ON A PRINCIPLE,

"OR DID YOU HAVE
A BAD RELATIONSHIP?

LIKE, WHAT WAS
YOUR FIRST BOYFRIEND LIKE?"

AND...

SHE TOLD ME
ABOUT HER FIRST BOYFRIEND BRIAN.

IT WAS--THEY WERE AT THE SAME
BUS STOP WHEN THEY WERE 16,

AND THEY WOULD MAKE OUT
ON THE BUS,

AND THEY WERE TOGETHER
FOR SIX YEARS.

AND THEY--YOU KNOW,
THEIR RELATIONSHIP GOT DEEPER,

AND THEY WOULD TALK ABOUT
HOW THEY WERE GONNA GET MARRIED

AND SPEND THE REST
OF THEIR LIVES TOGETHER.

AND I SAID, "THEN WHAT?"

AND SHE SAID, "HE DIED.

HE HAD LEUKEMIA."

AND I SAID, "WELL, DO YOU EVER
TALK ABOUT THIS WITH ANYONE?"

AND SHE SAYS, "NO, I DON'T
REALLY LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT."

BUT THESE WERE THE KINDS
OF CONVERSATIONS

WE STARTED HAVING
ON THIS TRIP

WHERE JENNY
WAS OPENING UP TO ME,

AND I WAS OPENING UP TO HER.

AND EVERY NIGHT WE'D BE UP TILL
2:00 OR 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

AND WE WERE SO HAPPY, WE--

AT ONE POINT, I WAS LIKE,
"WELL, WE SHOULD DO THIS AGAIN.

"WE SHOULD GO
ON ANOTHER TRIP.

AND YOU COULD GET A LICENSE
OR A PASSPORT."

JENNY SAID,
"THAT SOUNDS GREAT,

"BUT I DON'T THINK
I'D GET A LICENSE OR A PASSPORT

'CAUSE THEY
DON'T MAKE ME GET ONE."

AND I WAS LIKE,
"YEAH, BUT IT'S THE LAW."

YOU KNOW.

JENNY SAYS, "YEAH,
I DON'T THINK I'LL GET ONE

"'CAUSE THEY DON'T
MAKE ME GET ONE, YOU KNOW.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL."

THAT'S HOW JENNY
ARGUES THINGS.

SOMETIMES SHE'LL JUST SAY,
"THAT'S HOW I FEEL."

AND I'LL SAY,
"THAT'S NOT AN ARGUMENT."

"LIKE, WE'RE NOT EVEN
IN AN ARGUMENT RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE
AN ARGUMENT."

AND SHE'LL SAY,
"I JUST WON THAT ARGUMENT."

AND I'LL SAY,
"THAT'S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE

BASED ON THE DEFINITION
OF WHAT AN ARGUMENT IS."

AND SHE'LL SAY, "I JUST
WON THAT ARGUMENT," AGAIN.

"THAT'S HOW I FEEL."

YOU COULD SEE HOW THIS COULD BE
A LITTLE BIT MADDENING,

YOU KNOW, UH...

ON OUR FINAL DAY ON THE TRIP,

WE GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT
ABOUT ESSENTIALLY NOTHING.

SHE NOTICED THERE WAS
A BASKETBALL COURT AT OUR HOTEL,

AND SHE SAID,
"WE SHOULD PLAY."

AND I WAS LIKE, "YEAH,
BUT NOT, LIKE, A GAME."

AND SHE SAID, "WHY?"

AND I SAID,
"WELL, 'CAUSE I'D WIN."

AND SHE SAID,
"NO, I THINK I WOULD WIN."

I GO, "NO.
I KNOW THAT I'D WIN,

"AND I KNOW THAT WHAT
I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY IS THAT--

"THE GUY SAYS, 'I'LL WIN,'
THE GIRL SAYS, 'I'LL WIN,'

"AND THE GUY LETS HER WIN,
AND THEN SHE LIKES HIM MORE.

BUT I JUST DON'T
HAVE THAT IN ME."

AND JENNY GOES,
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO LET ME WIN.

LET'S GO OUT AND PLAY."

AND SO WE WENT OUT
AND PLAYED BASKETBALL,

AND I JUST KICKED HER ASS.
I MEAN, IT WAS JUST LIKE...

[applause]

IT WAS JUST LIKE...
10 TO 1, YOU KNOW, 11 TO 1.

I MEAN,
I WAS HAVING A GOOD DAY,

BUT STILL,
I WAS JUST DESTROYING HER.

AND AT ONE POINT,
SHE LITERALLY SAID,

"I'VE NEVER MET SOMEONE WHO'S
SO OBSESSED WITH THE SCORE."

AND I SAID, "THE SCORE
IS WHAT MAKES IT A GAME!"

[laughter and applause]

SO WE'RE ARGUING THIS
OVER LUNCH,

AND THEN, AGAIN,
IT COMES UP AT DINNER,

AND THEN WE'RE STILL
ARGUING ABOUT IT

AT 2:00 OR 3:00 IN THE MORNING
ABOUT ESSENTIALLY NOTHING.

AND SHE SAID,
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY YOU'RE SO OBSESSED
WITH BEING RIGHT."

I GO, "I'M NOT OBSESSED WITH IT.
I JUST AM."

I SAID, "WHY DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE RIGHT?"

AND SHE SAYS,
"THAT'S HOW I FEEL."

I SAID, "IF YOU THINK
I'M SO WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING,

WHY ARE YOU EVEN WITH ME?"

AND JENNY SAYS,

"YOU CAN'T CHOOSE
WHO YOU LOVE."

[audience aws]

WHICH IS TRUE,

BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN
IT'S GOOD.

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I FELL
IN LOVE, I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL,

AND IT WAS THAT FIRST TIME
WHERE YOU FALL IN LOVE,

AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE,
"THIS IS IT. I FOUND HER.

I'M 17 YEARS OLD,
AND I'M DONE, YOU KNOW."

AND...
[laughter and applause]

HER NAME WAS AMANDA,

AND SHE WAS, LIKE,
ADORABLE AND FUNNY.

AND WHAT WAS REALLY EXCITING
FOR ME

WAS THAT SHE WAS,
LIKE, A DELINQUENT.

LIKE, I WAS LIKE

THIS PLAY-BY-THE-RULES
SCHOOL CITIZEN,

AND SHE HAD BEEN EXPELLED

FROM HER PREVIOUS SCHOOL
FOR DEALING ACID,

WHICH I THOUGHT
WAS A REALLY STRONG QUALITY.

LIKE, AT ONE POINT,
SHE WAS LIKE,

"IT WAS TOTALLY MESSED UP
BECAUSE IT WASN'T EVEN ME.

IT WAS THIS OTHER GIRL,
AND I WAS FRAMED."

AND I WAS JUST LIKE,
"AWESOME."

LIKE NO ONE WOULD EVER
FRAME ME FOR ANYTHING.

I JUST--I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE
AN OPPOSITES ATTRACT SITUATION.

SHE WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IT WAS
LIKE TO HANG OUT WITH SOMEONE

IN STUDENT GOVERNMENT WHO WRITES
FOR THE NEWSPAPER.

AND I WANTED TO KNOW
WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE COOL.

AT ONE POINT, I WAS LIKE,
"DO YOU WANT TO WRITE AN ARTICLE

FOR THE NEWSPAPER?"

SHE GOES, "I DON'T WANT
TO WRITE AN ARTICLE.

I WANT TO DO THINGS
PEOPLE WRITE ARTICLES ABOUT."

AND I WAS LIKE,
"GOOD ANSWER."

I FIND THAT
WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE,

YOU TEND TO OVERLOOK
CERTAIN RED FLAGS.

ONE OF THEM WAS THAT

SHE WOULD SAY
REALLY MEAN STUFF TO ME,

BUT THEN SHE WOULD PULL IT BACK.
SHE'D BE LIKE,

"NO ONE LIKES YOU AT ALL.
ONLY KIDDING."

OR, LIKE, "YOU'RE LIKE A NERD,
BUT YOU'RE NOT EVEN SMART.

JUST JOKING."

CAN'T CHOOSE WHO YOU LOVE.

SECOND RED FLAG WITH AMANDA
WAS THAT SHE WAS A LIAR.

AND I DON'T--I DON'T MEAN THAT
IN AN OFFENSIVE WAY.

LIKE, LYING WAS
KIND OF LIKE A--

IT'S LIKE A SPORT
AT THE SCHOOL I WAS AT.

I TRANSFERRED FROM THE ALL BOYS
SCHOOL TO THIS CO-ED SCHOOL.

THERE WAS THIS ONE GUY
IN MY CLASS NAMED KEITH ROBBINS

WHO WAS A LEGENDARY LIAR.

YOU'D KNOW WHEN HE WAS LYING

'CAUSE HE WOULD LICK HIS FINGER
LIKE A BOOKIE,

AND HE WOULD DART HIS EYES
FROM SIDE TO SIDE.

AND HE'D GO, "YEAH, YEAH, NICE.
NICE, YOU KNOW."

AND HE WASN'T EVEN
HANDLING MONEY.

LIKE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.

AND THEN HE WOULD LIE
ABOUT THINGS

THAT WERE
SORT OF INSIGNIFICANT.

HE'D BE LIKE, "YEAH,
MY UNCLE'S TONY ROBBINS,

"MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER.

YEAH, NICE, YOU KNOW."
AND...

WE FOUND OUT THAT
THAT WASN'T EVEN TRUE.

BUT EVEN IF THAT WERE TRUE,
THAT WOULDN'T BE IMPRESSIVE

TO A BUNCH
OF HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS.

BUT I THINK
THAT'S THE JEDI LEVEL OF LYING,

IS YOU LIE
ABOUT LITTLE STUFF,

AND NO ONE NOTICES WHEN YOU'RE
LYING ABOUT BIG STUFF.

IT'S LIKE BANKING.

[cheers and applause]

THE FINAL RED FLAG
WITH AMANDA

WAS THAT SHE TOLD ME
NOT TO TELL ANYONE

THAT SHE WAS MY GIRLFRIEND.

[audience groans]

I KNOW.

I'M IN THE FUTURE ALSO.

I THINK WE CAN ALL SEE NOW

'CAUSE WE'RE SO SMART,

AND MIKE'S SO DUMB,
AND, UH...

YOU KNOW, I CAN ALSO SEE,
IN RETROSPECT,

THAT'S A MUCH BIGGER RED FLAG

THAN I PERCEIVED IT TO BE
AT THE TIME,

BUT I WAS SO EXCITED
SHE WAS EVEN WITH ME AT ALL.

AND SHE SAID SHE HAD
ANOTHER BOYFRIEND AT HOME,

BUT THEY WERE IN THE PROCESS
OF BREAKING UP,

BUT IT WAS A BAD TIME
'CAUSE HIS PARENTS WERE SICK.

AND SO I TRIED TO BE
UNDERSTANDING OF THAT.

YOU KNOW, I WENT ALONG
WITH IT FOR A FEW MONTHS

UNTIL SHE INVITED ME
TO MEET HER PARENTS.

AND I THOUGHT, "WELL, THIS IS
THE AFFIRMATION THAT I NEED.

I'M GONNA BE CROWNED
AS THE MAIN BOYFRIEND."

AND I DRIVE
MY MOM'S STATION WAGON

TO AMANDA'S PARENTS' HOUSE,
AND I WALK IN THE FRONT DOOR,

AND THERE'S AMANDA,
AND THERE'S HER PARENTS,

AND IT'S GOING WELL.

AND A FEW HOURS GO BY,

AND THIS OTHER GUY
COMES OVER TO THE HOUSE,

AND HIS NAME IS SCOTT.

I'M ASSUMING HE'S, LIKE,
A FAMILY FRIEND OR A RELATIVE.

AND SLOWLY I'M NOTICING
SIMILARITIES BETWEEN SCOTT

AND THINGS THAT AMANDA HAS SAID
ABOUT HER OTHER BOYFRIEND.

THEY'RE BOTH IN THEIR FIRST YEAR
IN COLLEGE,

AND THEY'RE
COMPETITIVE WRESTLERS, AND...

IT'S DAWNING ON ME
THAT I'M HANGING OUT

WITH MY GIRLFRIEND'S BOYFRIEND.

AND IT'S GOING PRETTY WELL.

I MEAN, HE--

HE SEEMED
LIKE A NICE GUY.

I COULD TOTALLY SEE
WHAT SHE SAW IN HIM.

THERE WAS SOME CONSOLATION
THAT WHEN HE WOULD

GO IN THE OTHER ROOM
TO THE KITCHEN OR THE BATHROOM,

SHE WOULD HOLD ON TO MY HAND,
AND SHE WOULD SAY,

"I WISH IT WERE
JUST YOU AND ME HERE."

AND I REMEMBER THINKING,
"YOU COULD MAKE THAT HAPPEN."

THE WAY SHE SAID IT WAS
AS THOUGH SHE WEREN'T INVOLVED

IN THE DECISION PROCESS, LIKE,

"I'D LOVE TO,
BUT THE BOYS IN CORPORATE..."

WELL, THE DAY TOOK
AN EVEN STRANGER TURN

WHEN SCOTT SUGGESTED THAT
WE GO HANG OUT AT HIS HOUSE.

AND I MET HIS PARENTS.

IT IS INDESCRIBABLE MEETING

YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S BOYFRIEND'S
PARENTS FOR THE FIRST TIME.

PART OF YOU IS ANGRY
FOR OBVIOUS REASONS,

BUT THEN PART OF YOU

STILL WANTS TO MAKE
A GOOD IMPRESSION.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LIKE...

"MAYBE IF THIS GOES WELL,

SHE'LL SEE THAT I'M GOOD
WITH ADULTS IN GENERAL!"

AS A SIDE NOTE, HIS PARENTS
SEEMED IN PERFECT HEALTH.

AT ONE POINT,
HIS DAD EVEN SAID TO ME,

"HOW DO YOU KNOW AMANDA?"

AND I SAID, "WE'RE JUST FRIENDS
FROM SCHOOL."

AND I WAS SO ASHAMED,
AND I FELT SO DUMB.

AND I DROVE HOME,
AND I REMEMBER THINKING,

"I AM NEVER GONNA LET THIS
HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN."

SO...

TEN MONTHS
INTO MY RELATIONSHIP WITH JENNY,

SHE INVITES ME
TO MEET HER PARENTS.

AND THIS WAS A TRICKY TIME.

AT THIS POINT, OUR RELATIONSHIP
WAS INTENSE, BUT CASUAL,

WHICH IS A DANGEROUS
RELATIONSHIP COCKTAIL,

AND IT WAS A HARD THING
TO ORGANIZE

'CAUSE I WAS AWAY PROBABLY
FIVE DAYS OUT OF THE WEEK.

AND SO WE FOUND A SUNDAY
WHERE I WAS COMING BACK

FROM A FIVE-DAY STINT
IN TEXAS,

WHICH WAS AWFUL 'CAUSE IT WAS...
IN TEXAS.

AND I--THAT'S--

THAT'S NOT TO SAY
I DISLIKE TEXAS ENTIRELY.

IT'S SUCH A LARGE THING
TO DISLIKE.

AND, UH...

BUT THAT WEEK IT FELT LIKE TEXAS
JUST DISLIKED ME,

AND I JUST KIND OF
DISLIKED TEXAS BACK

TO THE POINT WHERE I DEVELOPED
A SMALL DRINKING PROBLEM,

WHICH IS--WHICH IS
VERY POPULAR IN TEXAS.

I WAS PERFORMING
AT A COMEDY CLUB.

NOW, COMEDY--
I LOVE COMEDY CLUBS

'CAUSE THEY'RE SORT OF

A HIGH-LOW
ENTERTAINMENT PROPOSITION.

LIKE, IN SOME WAYS, THOUGH,
THEY'RE THE LAST BASTIONS

OF FREE SPEECH
AND THE ART OF SPOKEN WORD,

AND THEN SOME OF THEM
SELL DILDO STRAWS, YOU KNOW.

LIKE,
THERE'S 15 BACHELORETTE PARTIES

COMING THROUGH
ON THE WEEKENDS,

AND THEY'RE HANDING OUT
GUMMY PENISES OR WHATEVER.

THAT'S--
THAT'S ACTUALLY A THING.

I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE THAT--

I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT
THAT WAS PART

OF THE FEMALE FANTASY
OF THE PENIS WAS--

WAS THE GUMMY QUALITY
OF THE PENIS.

I FEEL LIKE IF I WERE IN CHARGE
OF THE CANDIFICATION

OF THE PENIS,
IT WOULD BE HARD CANDY.

AND THEN IF...

[applause]

AND THEN, IF YOU SUCK IT DOWN
TO THE GUMMY PART,

THEN YOU JUST SORT OF
PUT THAT OFF TO THE SIDE.

BUT I--BUT THAT'S--
THAT'S NOT MY JOB.

I'M--YOU KNOW,
I LEAVE THAT TO THE EXPERTS,

BUT I JUST--
I JUST DO THE COMEDY PART.

BUT I WAS PERFORMING
AT THIS CLUB ALL WEEK,

AND AFTER THE LATE SHOW
SATURDAY NIGHT,

I WAS APPROACHED
BY THIS BACHELORETTE PARTY

THAT HAD ONE OF THESE SORT OF
NOVELTY SEXUAL CHECKLIST THINGS.

AND...
I'D BEEN DRINKING ALL WEEK,

AND, UH, I ALWAYS TRY TO BE
A TEAM PLAYER, YOU KNOW.

SO I WAS LIKE,
"WHATEVER I CAN DO TO HELP.

I DON'T SEE HOW THIS
COULD END BADLY."

AND, UH...

THE NEXT MORNING,
I WAKE UP IN THE MY HOTEL ROOM,

AND I'M HUNG OVER,
AND I'M GROGGY.

AND I ROLL OUT OF BED,
AND I RUN TO THE AIRPORT

TO CATCH MY FLIGHT.

I'M STILL TWO HOURS EARLY,
AND...

I LAND IN NEW YORK, AND I GET
A CAB TO JENNY'S PARENTS' HOUSE.

AND I WALK IN THE FRONT DOOR,
AND THERE'S JENNY,

AND THERE'S HER PARENTS.

AND THERE'S HER OTHER
SORT OF EX-BOYFRIEND, JOHN.

AND HE WASN'T
FRONT AND CENTER.

LIKE, HE WAS
JUST KIND OF AROUND,

LIKE, HE WAS IN THE POOL,
LIKE,

WADING AND DOING LAPS,
LIKE, THAT KIND OF THING.

BUT I PULLED JENNY ASIDE,
I WAS LIKE,

"WELL,
WHAT'S JOHN DOING HERE?"

AND SHE SAYS, "WELL, HE AND I
AREN'T STILL TOGETHER,

"BUT WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER,

"HE BECAME FRIENDS
WITH MY STEPDAD,

"AND HE'S BEEN STAYING HERE
AT THEIR HOUSE

THE LAST COUPLE WEEKS."

AND I SAID,
"YOU KNOW, THAT'S NOT GOOD.

I FEEL LIKE THAT GIVES HIM
THE EDGE."

JENNY'S STARING AT ME.

AND I SAID, "WHAT?"

SHE SAYS, "YOU HAVE
A HICKEY ON YOUR NECK."

AND I SAID,
"I DON'T THINK THAT'S TRUE."

AND THEN I GLANCE
AT THE MIRROR NEXT TO ME

AND REALIZE THAT,
IN FACT,

I DO HAVE A HICKEY
ON MY NECK.

AND I SAY,
"I'M REALLY SORRY."

AND SHE SAYS,
"WHERE IS THAT FROM?"

AND I SAID, "THERE WAS
THIS BACHELORETTE PARTY,

AND I WAS DRUNK."

THAT SENTENCE
NEVER COMES OUT RIGHT.

I MEAN, THERE'S NO WAY
TO DELIVER THAT LINE

IN A WAY THAT MAKES YOU
SEEM EVEN OKAY, AND...

WE START ARGUING,
AND THE ARGUMENT FOLLOWS US

ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE STREET
IN FRONT OF MY APARTMENT.

I DIDN'T HAVE A LEG
TO STAND ON.

I WAS LIKE, "WELL, WHAT ABOUT
JOHN? WHAT WAS HE DOING THERE?"

SHE SAID, "YOU HAVE
A HICKEY ON YOUR NECK."

I SAID, "YEAH, BUT AT LEAST
I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH."

AND SHE SAID, "EVENTUALLY."

AND I SAID, "EVENTUALLY
IS BETTER THAN NEVER!"

AND THEN SHE KNEED ME
IN THE BALLS.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE
EVER EXPERIENCED THIS BEFORE.

I'M SURE HALF OF YOU
HAVE NOT.

UH...

IT'S LIKE BEING ELECTROCUTED,
EXCEPT YOU DON'T GET TO DIE.

IT'S LIKE YOU WANT TO DIE,
BUT YOU CAN'T.

AND THERE'S A PERSON IN YOUR
FACE SAYING, "YOU DESERVE THIS,"

WHICH THEY WOULDN'T EVEN DO
IN ELECTROCUTIONS.

I THINK THEY WOULD DEEM THAT
AS INHUMANE.

EVEN IN TEXAS.

JENNY SAYS, "I THINK
THAT WE SHOULD JUST BREAK UP.

"YOU KNOW,
IT'S NOT JUST THIS.

"I MEAN, YOU'RE AWAY
A LOT OF THE TIME.

"AND EVEN WHEN YOU'RE HERE,
YOU WORK AT NIGHT,

"AND I WORK IN THE DAY.

I JUST DON'T THINK
IT'S GONNA WORK OUT."

AND I SAID, "OKAY."

AND WE WERE APART
FOR ABOUT SIX MONTHS,

AND I MISSED HER SO MUCH,
BUT I KEPT RESISTING CALLING HER

'CAUSE I WANTED
TO GIVE HER SPACE.

AND EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE
I'D GET A GLIMMER OF HOPE

IN THE FORM OF A TEXT MESSAGE
FROM "JEN, IRISH PUB, NICE."

AND IT WOULD JUST SAY, "HI."

AND I'D WRITE BACK, "HI."

IT WAS THE SMALLEST FORM
OF COMMUNICATION TWO PEOPLE

COULD HAVE WITH ONE ANOTHER,
BUT I THINK,

IN SOME WAYS,
KEPT US TOGETHER.

AND FINALLY, ON NEW YEAR'S,
I CAVED IN, AND I CALLED HER,

I SAID, "HEY, I REALLY MISS YOU,
AND I WANT TO SEE YOU."

AND WE GOT TOGETHER
FOR COFFEE.

AND WE HIT IT OFF
JUST LIKE WE USED TO,

AND WE DECIDED
WE WOULD GET BACK TOGETHER.

WE HAD A GREAT PERIOD THERE,
YOU KNOW.

I TOOK HER TO GET A LICENSE
AND A PASSPORT.

FIRST, WE WENT
FOR HER SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,

AND THEN WE TOOK
THAT TO THE D.M.V.

AND THEN WE MAILED ALL OF THAT
TO THE GOVERNMENT

FOR A PASSPORT.

IT WAS LIKE THE TRIPLE CROWN
OF IDENTIFICATIONS.

JENNY WAS
WILDLY IDENTIFIABLE.

ONE NIGHT, SHE WAS HEADING BACK
FROM MY APARTMENT TO HERS,

AND SHE STOPS.

AND I SAID, "WHAT?"

AND SHE SAYS, "I THINK
THAT WE SHOULD LIVE TOGETHER."

AND I SAID, "NO, I REALLY DON'T
THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

"YOU KNOW, I'VE JUST DECIDED,
YOU KNOW, AS A PRINCIPLE,

"I'M NOT GONNA GET MARRIED
OR LIVE WITH SOMEONE.

IT'S NOT PERSONAL."

AND SHE SAID, "WELL,
UNLESS WE LIVE TOGETHER,

"I JUST DON'T THINK
IT'S GONNA WORK OUT

"'CAUSE WE JUST DON'T
SEE EACH OTHER ENOUGH,

"AND I DON'T THINK
THAT WE STAND A CHANCE.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL."

SO WE MOVED IN TOGETHER.

AND ONE DAY,
JENNY GETS AN INVITATION

TO THE WEDDING
OF ONE OF HER FRIENDS,

AND SHE INVITES ME
TO COME ALONG.

AND I SAID,
"OH, NO, THANKS."

THAT DOESN'T GO OVER
SO WELL.

SHE SAYS, "WHY?"
AND I SAID, "WELL, AS YOU KNOW,

"I DON'T BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE,
AND SO I DON'T BUY

INTO THE FLAMBOYANT PAGEANTRY
THAT GOES INTO CELEBRATING IT."

SHE SAID, "WELL,
WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?"

AND I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW."

SHE SAID, "WELL, IF YOU DON'T
BELIEVE IN ANYTHING,

HOW CAN YOU NOT BELIEVE
IN MARRIAGE?"

[laughter]

[laughter]

AND I SAID,
"WELL, FIRST OF ALL,

"YOU KNOW, IT JUST DOESN'T
SEEM NECESSARY.

"I MEAN, IS IT--YOU KNOW,

"MARRIAGE IS
AN ARCHAIC INSTITUTION

"INVENTED IN THE MIDDLE AGES
BASED ON EXCHANGING PROPERTY.

"I DON'T WANT TO BE
A PART OF THAT.

"SECOND OF ALL,
I DON'T EVEN THINK WE HAVE

"A COMMON CULTURAL UNDERSTANDING
OF WHAT MARRIAGE EVEN IS.

"I MEAN, ONE OF ME
AND ANDY'S FRIENDS

"WAS ABOUT TO GET ENGAGED,
AND WE WERE SKEPTICAL,

"AND WE SAID,
'ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE PERSON

"YOU WANT TO BE WITH
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?'

"AND HE GOES,
'YEAH, I THINK SO.'

"AND WE SAID, 'WELL, WHAT IF
SHE GETS IN A CAR ACCIDENT,

"AND SHE'S DISFIGURED?
WOULD YOU STAY WITH HER THEN?'

"AND HE SAID, 'MAYBE'!

"THAT IS NOT
AN ACCEPTABLE ANSWER!

"THIRD OF ALL,
IF I'M SO IN LOVE,

"WHY DOES IT NEED TO BE WRITTEN
INTO A GOVERNMENT CONTRACT?

"AND I'M NOT
ONE OF THESE LIKE,

"'I DON'T WANT GOVERNMENT UP
IN MY BUSINESS' KIND OF PEOPLE!

"I THINK THE GOVERNMENT
DOES A NICE JOB

"DELIVERING THE MAIL AND
SUGGESTING I DON'T EAT POISON,

"BUT I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY THEY NEED TO BE INVOLVED

"IN MY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS.

"THEN FINALLY,
IF MARRIAGE IS RELIGIOUS,

"SHOULDN'T I BELIEVE
IN THE RELIGION?

"I'VE BEEN TO MORE WEDDINGS
OF MY FRIENDS

"WHERE THE PEOPLE
ON THE ALTAR DON'T BELIEVE

"IN THE RELIGION OF THE CHURCH
THEY'VE INVITED US TO!

"SOME OF THEM EVEN GO TO CLASSES
WITH THE PRIEST

"IN ADVANCE,
TO MORE ELABORATELY LIE

"ABOUT BELIEVING IN A RELIGION
THEY DON'T BELIEVE IN

"JUST TO HAVE A WEDDING
IN A FANCY BUILDING!

"THAT IS INSANE!

THAT'S HOW I FEEL!"

[cheers and applause]

[quietly]
SO I EXPLAIN THIS TO JENNY.

AND JENNY SAYS,

"WELL, IF YOU EVER DID
WANT TO GET MARRIED,

I WOULD MARRY YOU."

AND I SAID, "WHY?

AREN'T YOU LISTENING
TO ANY OF THIS?"

AND JENNY SAYS,

"THAT'S HOW I FEEL."

AT THIS POINT,
IT WAS 5:00 IN THE MORNING,

WE'D BEEN ARGUING ALL NIGHT,
AND WE HADN'T SLEPT.

I HAD TO CATCH A FLIGHT
AT 6:20 A.M.

OUT OF NEWARK AIRPORT
TO LOS ANGELES

FOR A SHOW
I WAS DOING THAT NIGHT.

AT THIS POINT, I'M OVERTIRED,
AND I'M ANGRY, AND I'M LATE.

I'M STUFFING MY THINGS
IN MY ROLLER SUITCASE.

AND I WALK
OUT OF OUR APARTMENT.

IT'S 5:00 A.M.,
THAT PART OF THE MORNING

BEFORE THE EARTH
EVEN EXISTS,

BEFORE THEY PROGRAM
THE MATRIX OR WHATEVER.

YOU WALK
OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT,

PART OF THE ROAD
ISN'T EVEN THERE.

THERE'S A GUY WITH A LAPTOP
GOING, "WE NEED A ROAD, STAT!

WHAT'S THE CODE FOR BUILDING,
TANK?"

YOU KNOW,
AND I GET TO THE AIRPORT.

THE NEWS HASN'T EVEN
STARTED YET.

IT'S JUST AN ANCHOR
LOOKING AROUND LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?"

AND I GET TO THE KIOSK,
AND I PRINT UP MY TICKET,

AND I BRING IT TO THE SECURITY
LADY, AND SHE LOOKS AT ME,

AND SHE GOES,
"WELL, THAT AIN'T YOUR GATE."

LIKE, I GUESS
THEY CHANGED THE GATE,

BUT THE WAY SHE SAID IT
WAS AS THOUGH I HAD

PARTICIPATED IN THE DECISION
OF CHANGING IT.

I WAS LIKE, "I WAS NOT INVOLVED
IN THIS PROCESS.

I WASN'T EVEN C.C.'D."

LIKE, AS THOUGH I HAD GONE
TO THE KIOSK AND BEEN LIKE,

"B22. LIKE HELL
I'M FLYING OUT OF B22."

AND THEN I PHOTOSHOPPED
MY OWN TICKET,

PRINTED IT OUT, AND BEEN LIKE,
"THIS IS WHERE I'M GOING."

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT
THAT AGGRESSIVE AS A TRAVELER,

SO I WAS LIKE,
"WELL, WHERE IS THIS GATE?"

SHE GOES,
"IT'S IN ANOTHER TERMINAL.

YOU GOT TO TAKE A TRAM."

SHE POINTS TO THE TRAM,

AND I START WALKING
MY ROLLER SUITCASE,

AND I HEAR HER SAY,
"AND YOU BETTER RUN."

LIKE, I GUESS I WAS LATE
AT THAT POINT.

SO I STARTED RUNNING.

AND THE ROLLER SUITCASE
DOES NOT ENJOY RUNNING.

THE ROLLER SUITCASE WAS LIKE,
"I DON'T WANT TO RUN.

I HAVE WHEELS."
AND I WAS LIKE,

"I DON'T WANT TO RUN EITHER,
BUT THIS IS WHAT WE HAVE TO DO.

"I TELL YOU WHAT,
WHEN WE GET TO THE HOTEL,

I'LL WALK YOU IN CIRCLES
FOR A FEW HOURS."

THEN I--

I GET TO THE TRAM,
AND IT HAS THAT FEATURE

WHERE IT SAYS HOW MANY MINUTES
BEFORE THE NEXT TRAM ARRIVES.

AND IT SAYS ZERO MINUTES.
I WAS LIKE, "PERFECT.

THAT'S EXACTLY HOW LONG
I WANT TO WAIT."

BUT THE TRAM'S RIDING AWAY.

I WAS LIKE,
"THAT'S -1 MINUTE!"

THEN IT SAYS TEN MINUTES,

AND I'M EXPERIENCING THAT
PSYCHOLOGICAL DOWNWARD SPIRAL

LIKE, "OH, GREAT,
I'M GONNA MISS MY FLIGHT,

"AND THEN I'M GONNA MISS
EVERY FLIGHT FROM NOW ON,

"AND I'M GONNA MISS
MY FAMILY REUNION.

"AND THEN I'M NOT GONNA
HAVE A FAMILY,

AND THEN I'M GONNA BE
A CRACK WHORE."

AND IT'S LIKE, ALL OF A SUDDEN,
I'M A CRACK WHORE

JUST BECAUSE I MISS
THIS ONE FLIGHT.

I CAN FEEL THE CANCER FORMING
IN MY BODY IN REAL TIME AND...

I GET ON THE NEXT TRAM
TEN MINUTES LATER,

AND I RUN TO THE GATE,
AND I'M SWEATY,

AND I'M OUT OF BREATH,
BUT I'M ON TIME.

AND I'M SO RELIEVED THAT I
SIT DOWN IN A CHAIR AT THE GATE,

AND I FALL ASLEEP.

AND I WAKE UP TO THE SOUND
OF THE DOOR SHUTTING.

I JUMP UP,
AND THE DOOR IS CLOSED,

AND I AM ON THE SAD SIDE
OF THE DOOR.

THE HAPPY SIDE
HAS AN AIRPLANE AND A PILOT.

THE SAD SIDE IS ME

AND THE CINNABON LADY.

NORMALLY, I'D BE VERY EXCITED
IF IT WERE JUST ME

AND THE CINNABON LADY.

I'M A BIG FAN OF PASTRIES
THE SIZE OF A BABY

THAT HAVE ENOUGH CALORIES
FOR A YEAR.

I THINK
THAT'S AN EFFECTIVE USE OF TIME.

BUT IN THIS INSTANCE,

I NEEDED SOMEONE
WHO COULD COMMUNICATE

WITH THE PEOPLE
ON THE PLANE.

AND THE CINNABON LADY
IS NOT VERY WELL CONNECTED

IN THE AIRLINE COMMUNITY.

I WAS LIKE,
"DO YOU KNOW THESE PEOPLE?"

SHE WAS LIKE,
"ALL I KNOW IS THE WHITE STUFF

GOES ON THE CINNAMON BUN."

I RAN UP
TO THE GIANT GLASS WINDOW.

I STARTED POUNDING ON THE WINDOW
LIKE IN A ROMANTIC COMEDY.

I WAS LIKE,
"DREW BARRYMORE'S CHARACTER,

COME BACK!"

SHE DIDN'T COME BACK,
AND I MISSED MY FLIGHT.

I GOT ON THE NEXT ONE
THEY COULD GET ME ON.

THERE WAS
A STOPOVER IN TEXAS.

YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL
ABOUT TEXAS.

AND, UH, I GET TO LOS ANGELES
LATE THAT NIGHT,

AND I'D MISSED MY SHOW.

I'D NEVER MISSED ONE OF MY SHOWS
BEFORE, AND I'M SO ANGRY.

AND JENNY'S CALLING ME,
BUT I'M NOT PICKING UP THE PHONE

'CAUSE I'M BLAMING
THIS ENTIRE DAY ON HER.

I GET BACK TO MY FRIEND
ANDY'S HOUSE, AND I SAID,

"ANDY, THIS RELATIONSHIP IS
MESSING UP MY ENTIRE LIFE!"

AND ANDY GOES, "YOU'RE RIGHT."
I GO, "I KNOW! I'M RIGHT!"

HE GOES, "YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT."
I GO, "I KNOW, I'M RIGHT!

I GOT TO TELL HER ABOUT THIS
IN THE MORNING!"

I DRIVE OUT OF ANDY'S
SMALL ROAD, AND I'M T-BONED.

THAT'S THE CULINARY WAY
OF DESCRIBING IT.

IN 1 1/2 SECONDS, I'M SPUN
AROUND, AND I THINK I'M DEAD.

NO, WAIT,
I'M PARALYZED.

AND THEN I HEAR NOTHING.

THEN I HEAR THE OTHER CAR
SKID OUT AND DRIVE AWAY.

20 MINUTES LATER
I'M SITTING ON A CURB.

AT THIS POINT, THE POLICE
HAVE ARRI--HAVE ARRIVED,

AS WELL AS MY FRIEND, ANDY,
AND THAT'S WHEN I START CRYING.

YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU DROP
A BABY ON THE GROUND,

IT DOESN'T...

DOESN'T START CRYING
RIGHT AWAY

BECAUSE IT DOESN'T
UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT

OF DROPPING A BABY ON THE GROUND
UNTIL IT SEES YOUR FACE?

AND THEN IT'S LIKE, "OH, I GUESS
I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING

"THAT MATCHES THAT.

WAAH!"

I'M CRYING BECAUSE I'M LOOKING
AT MY TOTALED CAR

IN FRONT OF ME
AND REALIZING THAT,

IN THAT MOMENT,
I MIGHT HAVE CEASED TO EXIST.

LIKE I SAID EARLIER, I DON'T
REALLY BELIEVE IN ANYTHING,

SO IN MY MIND, THAT WOULD HAVE
BEEN THE END OF ALL THINGS

I'D EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE.

EVERY KISS OR FAILED KISS
OR SCRAMBLER RIDE

WOULD COME TO A CONCLUSION,
AND...

THE OFFICER COMES OVER,
AND HE SAYS, "WHAT HAPPENED?"

AND I SAID,
"I GOT HIT BY THIS CAR,

"AND THEN I HEARD NOTHING,
AND THEN I HEARD THE OTHER CAR

SKID OUT AND DRIVE AWAY."

THE OFFICER POINTS OVER
TO THE LIGHT.

THE OTHER CAR HAS MADE
A RIGHT TURN AT THE LIGHT

AND VEERED
INTO THIS VERY SKINNY TREE.

I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK,
"THAT'S KARMA.

THAT'S A HIT AND RUN
AND HIT."

AND THEN THE OFFICER PUTS
THIS FORM IN MY FACE,

AND HE GOES, "SIGN THIS."

AND I SAID, "WELL,
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?"

AND HE GOES,
"IT MEANS YOU'RE OKAY

AND THAT WE CAN LEAVE."

I WAS REALLY SHAKEN UP.

I WAS LIKE,
"I DON'T KNOW IF I'M OKAY."

AND HE GOES, "JUST SIGN IT,"

WHICH IS
A VERY UNATTRACTIVE QUALITY.

WHEN SOMEONE
JUST REPEATS A COMMAND

THAT YOU'VE JUST SAID NO TO,
AND IT'S UNATTRACTIVE,

BUT VERY EFFECTIVE,
YOU KNOW.

I SIGNED IT.

ANDY TAKES ME TO THE HOSPITAL
JUST AS A PRECAUTION,

BUT WE HAVE TO WAIT TWO HOURS
'CAUSE THE OTHER DRIVER

HAD BEAT US THERE, AND...

EVENTUALLY,
WE'RE WITH THE DOCTOR,

AND ANDY SAYS TO HIM, HE GOES,
"WELL, WAS THE OTHER GUY DRUNK?"

AND THE DOCTOR SAYS,
"WELL, I CAN'T ANSWER THAT."

AND ANDY SAYS, "WAS HE?"

HE USES THE TECHNIQUE
WE HAD LEARNED EARLIER,

AND IT WORKS, YOU KNOW.

THE DOCTOR SAYS, "WELL,
HE'S HEADING TO JAIL NOW."

AND ANDY AND I FLASH EACH OTHER
A LOOK LIKE THE HARDY BOYS,

LIKE, "CASE CLOSED."

[laughter and applause]

A FEW HOURS LATER,
WE'RE BACK AT ANDY'S HOUSE,

IT'S PROBABLY
AROUND 3:30 IN THE MORNING,

AND I HAVE ONE OF THESE
EPIPHANIES PEOPLE SOMETIMES HAVE

WHEN THEY HAVE
NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCES.

I SAY,
"I NEED TO CALL JENNY

AND TELL HER THAT WE NEED
TO GET MARRIED."

AND ANDY SAYS,
"MIKE...

SLEEP ON IT."

AND I SAID, "NO, NO, NO,
THIS MAKES PERFECT SENSE."

AND I PICK UP MY PHONE,
AND I DIAL HER NUMBER.

AND HE PUTS HIS HAND
OVER THE PHONE, AND HE SAYS,

"MIKE...

SLEEP ON IT."

HE SAVES ME.

THE NEXT MORNING, I FLY BACK TO
NEW YORK, AND A FEW WEEKS LATER,

I GET A CALL FROM MY RENTAL CAR
AGENCY EXPLAINING

THAT THE ACCIDENT REPORT
HAD COME BACK

ON THE ACCIDENT
THAT I JUST DESCRIBED.

AND IT HAD FOUND ME AT FAULT
AND THAT I OWED--

AND I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP--
$12,000 FOR THE REPAIRS

ON THE OTHER DRIVER'S
MERCEDES S.U.V.

AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL,
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING."

I EXPLAINED TO THE WOMAN,

"I THINK
IT'S A MISUNDERSTANDING.

"THE OTHER GUY
WAS CLEARLY DRUNK.

IT WAS DEFINITELY
NOT MY FAULT."

AND SHE SAID, "I'M REALLY SORRY,
BUT UNLESS THEY CHANGE

THE ACCIDENT REPORT,
YOU OWE THIS MONEY."

SO I REQUESTED
THE ACCIDENT REPORT,

AND I'M GONNA SHOW YOU THE
ACTUAL ACCIDENT REPORT TONIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER SEEN
ONE OF THESE THINGS BEFORE...

BUT IT'S A LITTLE BIT
LIKE HOMEWORK FOR COPS.

AND OFFICER TIMSON
NOT SO GOOD WITH THE HOMEWORK.

HE CONSISTENTLY MIXES UP
PASSENGER ONE AND PASSENGER TWO,

VEHICLE ONE AND VEHICLE TWO.

AT ONE POINT, SO BADLY
THAT HE SAYS P-1--THAT'S ME--

STARTED TO GO,
BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN V-1--

THAT'S ME ALSO--

CAME AT A HIGH RATE OF SPEED,
CRASHING INTO HIM.

NOW, I'M PRETTY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE
AS A PERSON,

BUT I WOULD NEVER CRASH

INTO MY OWN CAR
WITH MY OWN CAR,

NOR WOULD I UNDERSTAND
HOW YOU COULD DO THAT.

THIS PART IS EVEN CRAZIER.

THE OTHER DRIVER'S STATEMENT AT
THE SCENE OF THE ACCIDENT WAS,

"I WAS ON VENICE GOING--
UH, I'M NOT TOO SURE.

"I WAS GOING AWAY
FROM THE BEACH.

"I WAS DRIVING.

[laughter]

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

"DID I HURT ANYONE?

"I DON'T KNOW
WHERE I WAS GOING,

"BUT I CAME FROM HOME.

I HAD A SIP OF BEER."

[laughter and applause]

WHICH IS REALLY EVERYONE'S
FAVORITE QUANTITY OF BEER.

JUST THE ONE SIP, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT THEY SERVE
THESE DAYS

AT THE HOME/BEACH/PUB.

SO ALL OF IT'S MINE.

THE OFFICER MAKES
ONE KEY MISTAKE.

HE CHECKS THE BOX
THAT FINDS ME AT FAULT.

SO I'M LIKE, "I NEED TO GET
OFFICER TIMSON ON THE PHONE,

SO WE CAN CLEAR UP
THIS MISUNDERSTANDING."

THE PROBLEM IS HE KEEPS
DUCKING MY CALLS,

AND I KNOW 'CAUSE I'M CALLING
TWO OR THREE TIMES A DAY,

LEAVING MESSAGES,
CALLING DEPARTMENTS

NEXT TO HIS DEPARTMENT,

SO HE KNOWS I'M TRYING
TO REACH HIM.

AND FINALLY,
AFTER A MONTH OF THIS,

I GET HIM ON THE PHONE,
AND I'M SO RELIEVED.

AND I EXPLAIN
THIS MISUNDERSTANDING.

AND HE LISTENS TO ME,
AND HE SAYS,

"DO THE RIGHT THING,
AND PAY FOR THE GUY'S CAR."

[audience gasps]

I KNOW, AND, I MEAN,
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

I GO, "AREN'T YOU LISTENING
TO ANY OF THIS?"

I GO, "AND THIS GUY
WAS CLEARLY DRUNK.

"I MEAN, HE NEARLY KILLED ME.

"INCHES FROM WHERE HE HIT,

"AND I WOULD BE DEAD
RIGHT NOW.

"AND HE WANTS ME
TO PAY FOR HIS CAR?

"DON'T YOU SEE HOW CRAZY
THAT IS,

JUST AS ONE HUMAN BEING
TO ANOTHER?"

AND HE SAYS,
"DO THE RIGHT THING,

AND PAY
FOR THE GUY'S CAR."

AND HE HANGS UP THE PHONE.

AND AT THIS POINT,
THIS STOPS BEING ABOUT MONEY,

AND IT'S JUST
ABOUT STOPPING A MAN

WHO HAS NO REGARD
FOR PEOPLE OR THE LAW.

THIS IS CHINATOWN!

[laughter and applause]

SO I STARTED PRINTING UP
GOOGLE MAPS

OF THE SCENE
OF THE ACCIDENT

AND CALIFORNIA STATE
DRIVING LAW.

I'M ON THE PHONE WITH LAWYERS
AND PRIVATE INVESTIGATORS.

THERE'S ONLY ONE LAWYER
WHO WOULD CONSIDER THE CASE.

AND HE WAS AN ACCIDENT LAWYER,
AND HE SAID,

"DID YOU HAVE ANY LOSS OF INCOME
FROM THE ACCIDENT?"

AND I SAID, "NO,"
AND HE SAYS,

[slowly] "DID YOU HAVE
ANY LOSS OF INCOME

FROM THE ACCIDENT?"

AND I SAID,

[slowly]
"NO.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT MONEY."

AND HE DOESN'T TAKE THE CASE,

AND THIS IS WHEN I START
GOING COMPLETELY MAD.

I'M UP TO ABOUT
4:00 OR 5:00 A.M. EVERY NIGHT

JUST SURFING THE WEB.

I GET A SUBSCRIPTION TO A SITE
CALLED NETDETECTIVE.COM,

WHICH IS A GREAT SITE
FOR VIGILANTES WHO HAVE $29.95.

SO NOW I KNOW
THIS GUY'S NAME,

I KNOW WHERE HE LIVES, I KNOW
WHAT HE DOES FOR A LIVING.

AND IN MY MIND,
IT BECOMES LIKE A TRAILER

FOR A REVENGE THRILLER.

LIKE, "JIM BOSWORTH THOUGHT
HE WAS GONNA GET AWAY WITH THIS,

"BUT JIM BOSWORTH
HAD ANOTHER THING COMING:

MIKE BIRBIGLIA."

I WAS LIKE, "I'M GONNA
TRACK DOWN JIM BOSWORTH.

"I'M GONNA SUE
JIM BOSWORTH,

AND I'M GONNA SUE THE ENTIRE
LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT!"

AT THIS POINT, PEOPLE STOPPED
TALKING TO ME ENTIRELY.

MY FRIENDS WOULD CALL ME LIKE,
"HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?"

I'D BE LIKE, "I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT'S GOING ON!"

I'D TELL THEM
THIS WHOLE STORY.

AND THEY'D BE LIKE,
"YOU SHOULD GET A LAWYER."

I'D BE LIKE,
"THIS IS WAY PAST LAWYERS!

A LAWYER WOULDN'T EVEN
TOUCH THIS!"

'CAUSE HE WOULDN'T.

THE ONLY PERSON WHO WOULD TALK
TO ME AT THIS POINT WAS JENNY.

ONE NIGHT, WE WERE OUT TO DINNER
AT A RESTAURANT,

AND SHE'S TALKING TO ME,
BUT I'M NOT LISTENING

'CAUSE I'M WRITING DOWN IDEAS
I HAVE

FOR THE CASE
ON MY NAPKIN.

I'VE DRAWN OUT A DIAGRAM
OF THE INTERSECTION,

AND THE ANGLES THE CARS
ARE COMING FROM AND GOING TO

AND THE LANES
THAT WE WERE IN,

THE LAWS
THE OTHER DRIVER BROKE,

AND THE PHONE NUMBERS
I'M GONNA CALL THAT WEEK.

AND I'M SO ANGRY,

I'M WRITING OVER
MY OWN HANDWRITING TO THE POINT

WHERE I'M RIPPING
THROUGH THE NAPKIN.

AND JENNY LOOKS AT ME,
AND SHE SAYS,

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

AND I SAID,
"WELL, THIS IS MY CASE."

AND SHE SAYS, "WELL,
WHY DON'T YOU WORK ON THAT

IN THE MORNING?"

AND I SAID, "WELL,
WHICH PART OF THIS NAPKIN

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?"

JENNY SAYS,

"MIKE...

"YOU'RE RIGHT,

"BUT IT'S ONLY
HURTING YOU,

"AND I'M JUST SO GLAD
THAT YOU'RE ALIVE,

AND I THINK
THAT WE SHOULD FOCUS ON THAT."

SHE ONLY
HAS TO SAY IT ONCE,

AND I GIVE UP THE CASE,

AND I PAY
FOR THIS GUY'S CAR.

JULY 7, 2007,

JENNY AND I WENT TO CITY HALL
AND GOT MARRIED.

I STILL DIDN'T BELIEVE
IN THE IDEA OF MARRIAGE,

AND I STILL DON'T.

BUT I BELIEVE IN HER,

AND I'VE GIVEN UP ON THE IDEA
OF BEING RIGHT.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

[I Will Follow You into the
Dark by Death Cab for Cutie]

♪ ♪

THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.

♪ ♪

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!

THANKS FOR COMING HERE TONIGHT
AND JOINING ME.

- ♪ LOVE OF MINE ♪

♪ SOMEDAY YOU WILL DIE ♪

♪ BUT I'LL BE CLOSE BEHIND ♪

♪ I'LL FOLLOW YOU
INTO THE DARK ♪

♪ NO BLINDING LIGHT ♪

♪ OR TUNNELS
TO GATES OF WHITE ♪

♪ JUST OUR HANDS
CLASPED SO TIGHT ♪

♪ WAITING FOR THE HINT
OF A SPARK ♪

♪ IF HEAVEN AND HELL DECIDE ♪

♪ THAT THEY BOTH ARE SATISFIED ♪

♪ AND ILLUMINATE THE "NOS" ♪

♪ ON THEIR VACANCY SIGNS ♪

♪ IF THERE'S NO ONE BESIDE YOU ♪

♪ WHEN YOUR SOUL EMBARKS ♪

♪ THEN I'LL FOLLOW YOU
INTO THE DARK ♪

♪ ♪

♪ YOU AND ME ♪

♪ HAVE SEEN EVERYTHING
TO SEE ♪

♪ FROM BANGKOK TO CALGARY ♪

♪ AND THE SOLES OF YOUR SHOES ♪

♪ ARE ALL WORN DOWN ♪

♪ THE TIME FOR SLEEP IS NOW ♪

♪ IT'S NOTHING TO CRY ABOUT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE'LL HOLD
EACH OTHER SOON ♪

♪ IN THE BLACKEST ♪

♪ OF ROOMS ♪

♪ AND IF HEAVEN AND HELL
DECIDE ♪

♪ THAT THEY BOTH ARE SATISFIED ♪

♪ AND ILLUMINATE THE "NOS" ♪

♪ ON THEIR VACANCY SIGNS ♪

♪ IF THERE'S
NO ONE BESIDE YOU ♪

♪ WHEN YOUR SOUL EMBARKS ♪

♪ THEN I'LL FOLLOW YOU ♪

♪ INTO THE DARK ♪