All language subtitles for MASH.S06E01b.Fade.Out.Fade.In.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[ Sighs ]
Ain't this the final
kick in the butt?

We pack so Major Bonkers
can get outta here.

Not an easy task. Each object
holds such unpleasant memories.

The laundry.
One pair of shorts,
perfect condition.

Mine.

One pair of shorts,
holes, buttons missing.
Frank's.

One pair of socks,
perfect condition‐‐ mine.

You're pretty quick
with the socks, fella.

One pair of socks,
holes‐‐ Frank's.
Frank's.

This is gonna be
easier than I thought.

Matter of having a system.
[ Knocking ]

Entrez‐vous.
Colonel Potter said
you were packing Frank's things.

There's something of mine
I'd like back.

I don't think
that's possible.

Margaret, please!
We packed so carefully.
I'll bet.

May one ask what it is
you're looking for?
It's personal.

The torn shorts
are right on top.
I'll slap you.

Bully.
Ah, here it is.

[ Gasps ]
This is none
of your business.

What is it?
A picture of Margaret
in a bikini.

Let me see.
No.

Give you a nickel.
No.

Show you where
the horse bit me.
Not interested.

Oh, come on.
How does she look?
Beautiful. A goddess.

Really?
Oh! Yum! Yum! Yum!

You're spitting on it.
I'm gonna faint.

Margaret, put it back.
It'll keep him crazy.

Why torture him?
Frank wasn't all that bad.

Compared to what?
Well, he's no
Donald Penobscott.

In some ways,
Donald is no Frank Burns.

‐ Uh, Margaret‐‐
‐ Margaret, wait a second.

Would you care
to elaborate on that?
No, I wouldn't.

Margaret. Look, if you've
got something you want
to get off your chest,

I promise you it won't
go beyond this tent.
Oh!

No, thank you.
I'd sooner tell
Walter Winchell.

Might make you
feel better.
Why should I trust you two?

Because we're all
you've got.

Because we care.

Come on, Margaret.
Have a drink.
Come on. Sit down.

You don't have to tell us
if you don't want to.
But sit down. You look upset.

Have a drink.
What'll it be,
gin or gin?

‐ Something went wrong,
didn't it, Margaret?
‐ Your word of honor?

‐ Sure.
‐ What about him?

‐ Him too.
‐ Well,

the first two days
were perfect.

Then after that, it was like
being on a honeymoon
with my old auntie.

What happened between
the second and third day?

Nothing. We were having
a wonderful time‐‐
tennis, shopping.

A lovely party that evening
at General Weiskopf's.

Lyle was a charming host.
Lyle?

General Weiskopf.
He's an old friend.

We stayed up
and talked and laughed
until 3:00 in the morning.

Was the groom
in the room?

Sure. He was
right there listening.

What happened
after the party?

Nothing.
As in "nothing"?

He stopped talking.
He stopped smiling.

He stopped...
everything.

As in "everything"?

Well, Margaret,
don't you think that's it?

What?
That's probably it.

Donald was competing
with your whole past.

Some guys can't take
that pressure.

The male libido can be
a very fragile thing.

Oh, poor Donald.

Oh, he'll get over it.
It happens all the time.

Frank never had that problem.

‐ Frank didn't need it.
He had every other one.
‐ Oh, I know. I know.

Frank Burns was
a little too "by the book"
for you guys, but...

I personally have
some very fond memories
of our friendship.

That dirty rat!

My alarm clock.
He said the bellboy took it.
That fink!

Schaeffer, this is
none of your business.

Colonel, please,
you're shouting
at my lawyer.

You are holding
a legitimate
Section Eight here.

Lay it on him, mouthpiece.
A guy hanging onto
a dodge this long...

is a legit psychotic,
believe me.

Look, Captain,
it doesn't matter.

Teddy Roosevelt
had a transvestite
in his outfit.

Rode sidesaddle
up San Juan Hill.

Is that true,
Captain?
Could be.

They all wore
such big hats.
We're sunk.

Oh, no, we're not.
I'm preparing my client's brief
for General Phelps.

[ Phone Ringing ]
And, you, as my client,

do not talk to this man
unless I am present.

‐ Sir, phone call
from Tokyo General.
‐ Got it.

Come on, Klinger.
You and your lawyer,
take a hike.

Colonel,
I am going to convene
a formal hearing on this.

Good. Klinger, I suggest
you wear your black sheath
with pearls.

Basic black
before 5:00? Really.

Potter here.

Yes, of course
I still need a new surgeon.

Who? MacKenzie?

Look, Baldwin. I've seen
that clown's 201 file.
He's a boozer.

Chief engineer
on the Red‐nose Express.

Martinelli?
I've seen his surgery.

Let me give you a tip.
Sew his fingers together
and make him a psychiatrist.

What about Winchester?

Yeah, I know
he's temporary.

Make him permanent
and it's a deal.

Good.

Oh, really?
I'll remember that.

Radar, are you there?
I was, sir,
but now I'm in here, sir.

Where's Winchester?
He's getting ready to leave.

I wanna talk to him
pronto.
Yes, sir.

And bring me back
a Snickers bar.
With nuts?

No.
Milky Way.

Damn partial.

Pierce?
Chuck?

Well, you're leaving.
What's in a name?
How're you feeling?

Dr. Berman,
this is Dr. Winchester.
He saved your life.

Thank you.
I thought I was a goner.

Yes, I can understand that.

[ Chuckles ]
I think I've just been insulted.

Very observant.
Blood pressure?

140 over 80.

I can't believe it.

Dr. Pierce tells me
that your technique
was extraordinary.

To him, perhaps.

Well, I'm on my way.
Good luck, Dr. Berman.

You're not
on staff here?
Oh‐ho, no.

This was just a stopover
in a stagnant backwater
of the war.

Gentlemen.
Ta.

But, Father,
I don't want to
go back anymore.

Son, we all feel fear.
It's quite natural.
But, Father‐‐

Without fear,
one would stand in traffic
and get run over.

It's nature's way
of protecting your life.

Father, it's not my life
that I'm concerned about.

Excuse me?

I killed three people.

I saw their eyes.

Father, I just don't
wanna kill anymore.

Oh, I found‐‐ I found him.
Major Winchester.

Uh, don't go away, sir.
The colonel wants to see you.

Colonel, I found
Major Winchester.

Well, I hope he's succinct.
My jeep will be here
momentarily.

I do hate
long good‐byes.
I found him.

Oh, Winchester.
Can we hurry this up?

I checked the O. R.,
the Mess Tent,
the latrine, everywhere.

And then I come in here,
the Officers Club,
and here he was.

He was here.
His gear was here.
And then I was‐‐

Radar. Radar.
Type that up in triplicate.
Yes, sir. I found him.

Well, it's very kind
of you to see me off.

I would ask you to join me
in a farewell drink,
but there just isn't time.

Oh, we'll have
plenty of time.

Oh?
I've got
some good news, Major.

You're assigned to us
permanently.

Impossible.
Orders are cut.
It's final.

No!

No. Colonel Baldwin
assured me this is
just temporary.

Is this
the same Colonel Baldwin
who owes you $600?

[ Laughs ]
Yes.
Need I say more?

You mean to tell me
that I have to stay here...

just because somebody
owes me $672.17?

That's ridiculous.
Of course it's ridiculous.

You're staying
because I need you.
And if I refuse?

You'll be making gravel
at Leavenworth.
¿Comprende?

Comprendo.
Good.

Well, Major Winchester,
I can't tell you...

how happy I am
you've decided to join us.

And remember,
if you ever have a problem,
feel free to stop in.

My tent flap is always open.

♪♪♪ [ Swing Continues ]

[ Man Over P. A. ]
Attention, Corporal Klinger.

Report to Colonel Potter's
office, on the double.
And bring your lawyer.

Now that's what I call
fast action.
Let me do the talking.

You're the solicitor, Captain.
M. P. s! My own escort.

Klinger, you wonderful,
crazy person,
you're going home.

I can smell
downtown Toledo now.

Corporal Klinger
and lawyer reporting, sir.
New scarf?

Sears, Honolulu.
Nice.

Post‐debutante department.
Sorry I missed
your cotillion.

I expected
other officers, Colonel.
A review board.

‐ Road apples, Private.
‐ Uh, Captain, Colonel.

‐ Private, Corporal.
‐ Private?

Well, tsk,
caught again.

Hold it.
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
I thought‐‐

Button it.
Button it.

Let him talk.
You're my lawyer.

Your lawyer
is a buck private,
and he's no lawyer.

I beg your‐‐
How's that?

According to his captain,
a real captain,

Schaeffer here has been bucking
for a Section Eight
longer than you have.

‐ A loony?
‐ Busted twice,

done four months in the slammer,
has impersonated a doctor,

a bombardier,
a tank commander,

‐ even a chaplain.
‐ A chaplain.

At this very moment
somewhere in America,

25 couples
are living in sin.

You shyster!
Why'd you lie to me,
get my hopes up?

I thought you'd understand.
You're my own kind.

[ Whistles ]
They gonna
send me home?

I doubt it.
I feel like crying.

Let it all out, stud.
He's all yours, boys.

Well, hang in there,
Klinger.

I was an M. P.
once too.

Don't feel bad, son.
Guy's a real pro.
You'll make it someday.

You think so, sir?
Absolutely.
Never say die.

You're a real
inspiration, sir.

Sir? Sir, Major Burns
is on the phone.

He says he wants to
talk to you and B.J.
I'm busy.

He says it's the last time
he'll ever talk to you.

I can't pass that up.
Take care, Doc.

B.J.
Hey, thanks, Hawkeye.

Don't go around condemning
yourself. Always get
two doctors' opinions.

What's that you said,
Charles?

How we doing?
Oh, we're doing fine.
Thank you.

How you doing?

Oh, really?
Well, you'll get used to it.

Yes, Frank, yes.

We packed everything.

He wants to know
if we folded his underwear.

And we ironed your pleats.

What? He wants to
talk to you.

Yes, Frank.

You what?

Uh, Frank, we both
think that's wonderful.

Yeah. Frank, we're proud
to have known you.

Yeah. Best of luck
in your future, Frank.

Bye, Frank.

Hey, come on!
I'm responsible for that!

You seem
a trifle irked.

The army,
in its infinite wisdom,

has not only cleared
Frank of the charges,

they have assigned him
to a veterans hospital
in Indiana...

and promoted him
to lieutenant colonel.

Oh, no, no, no no!
I was just gonna
complain to my congressman.

Yeah? No, no!

Hello? Hello?

Ah! O'Reilly,
just the man I want to see.

Me?
Is there anyone else
in this room?

No.
Then it must be you.

Get me Tokyo
General Hospital.
On the phone?

No, open the window
and yell.

Take that bag of phone
and do whatever voodoo you do
and get me Colonel Baldwin.

That won't do you
any good, sir.
You're staying.

You pusillanimous
little squirt. Don't you
dare to tell me I'm staying!

You get on that phone!
But I can't, it's‐‐

No buts.
You start cranking.
Yes, sir.

I'm cranking.
I am. I'm cranking.

But it's broken.
Somebody madder than you
got to it first.

Corporal, I assure you.
Nobody in Korea
is madder than me.

I'll take your word
for it, sir.

Corporal,
fix the phone!
Fix it. Okay.

I don't care how.
What I care is when.
No, I'll fix it.

And the when is now.
Yes, okay. Right.

Because if you don't,
I am going to‐‐

Winchester, you're not
going anywhere.

Colonel, I‐‐
[ Clears Throat ]

I think I should tell you
that my father knows
Harry Truman.

He doesn't like him,
but he knows him.

Fine. You have
Dad call Harry,

then Harry'll call me,
and maybe we'll work
something out.

In the meantime,
vamoose.

All right, Colonel,
I am... vamoosing.

[ Mutters ]

But know this.

You can cut me off
from the civilized world.

You can incarcerate me
with two moronic cell mates.

You can torture me
with your thrice‐daily swill.

But you cannot break
the spirit of a Winchester.

My voice shall be heard
from this wilderness,

and I shall be delivered
from this fetid
and festering sewer.

Where do you
want this, Doc?
In Tokyo, actually.

Tempo, Doc.
I got a lice appointment.

‐ Set it down anywhere.
‐ Over here.

Thank you much.
Dismissed.

‐ Nice hat, Klinger. New?
‐ For tea dancing.

Who is that...
creature?

Corporal Klinger‐‐
first man to kill a caribou
with a beaded purse.

Finish!
You have not
done the corners.

Finish!
You haven't made my bed.

Finish.

Why me? Why me?

Practically chief
of thoracic surgery
at Boston General,

in this godforsaken... dump.

Me. A man who can hum
all four parts of the
Schubert string quartets...

‐ and quote Spinoza from memory.
‐ Well, that's the army.

‐ You know, supply and demand.
‐ That's why you were picked.

[ Man Over P. A. ]
Attention, all personnel.
MASH 8063 is overloaded.

Their casualties
are on the way.

That's us, Charlie.
Let's go.
It's Howdy Doody time.

[ Hawkeye ] Come on,
Chuckles, shake it.
Let's go.

Are you speaking to me?
What's taking you so long?

In this camp, cleanliness
is next to impossible.

You have to kill the germs.
Don't hang around
for the funeral.

Look how high he's scrubbing.
Maybe he's going to operate
in evening gloves.

Gentlemen, I do
one thing at a time.

I do it very well,
and then I move on.

Can you doctors wiggle
your collective keister?

I've got three tables
facing the war. One of them
is a tricky bowel resection.

B.J. or I will take it.
Dr. Pasteur is still
pasteurizing himself.

Well, uh, maybe we'd better
wait and let him do it.

It's kind of complicated.
As soon as you can, Winchester.

All right.
What's so great
about him?

I do one thing at a time.
I do it very well,

and then I move on.

Gentlemen, please,

pay close attention
to this bowel resection.

I don't want to have to
show it to you twice.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm not gonna play
second scalpel to this garbanzo
for the rest of the war.

Why don't we avoid
the Christmas rush
and start hating him now?

[ Hawkeye ]
Done.
[ Nurse ] Klinger!

Shattered patella.
Put him to sleep.

We're kind of
falling behind, Colonel.

Winchester.
Oh, really?

Can I help?
Is there a prayer
for my varicose veins?

Well, there's
a mailman's prayer
that might be effective.

Really sell it, Padre.
Next patient.

We're two up on you, Winchester.
Shift into high gear.

I refuse to rush
through a bowel resection.

This is the rush hour,
Major.

Better get in
the fast lane. Sponge.

For your information,
I'm doing meticulous work.

Neatness don't count
in meatball surgery.

Is harassment
standard operating procedure?

Page 26
of the surgeon songbook.

Another ambulance
just pulled in.
Eleven wounded.

Really bad.
Holy Moly.

‐ Oh, I'm sorry, Father.

‐ [ Grunts ]
‐ Major, we can't spend two
hours on a bowel resection.

Charles, move on!

I'm moving on
as fast as I can.

[ B. J. ]
I'm finished here, Charlie.
Let me show you.

You show me?
Certainly not.

[ Margaret ] Doctor,
we do have shortcuts.
Shortcuts are sloppy surgery.

More suction.
Doctor, if we can't control the
bleeding, we're gonna lose him.

‐ B. J., take over.
Winchester, watch him.
‐ [ B. J. ] Move it.

Now see here.
Wounded egos come later.
For now, just watch.

Two big clamps.
[ Klinger ]
Another customer.

[ Hawkeye ] I'll take him.
Give him a magazine.
I'll be right there.

When you're in a hurry,
cut the mesentery
between two big clamps...

‐ and forget daintiness.
‐ Throw in a layer of catgut...

It'll leak.
No, it won't, and it'll
only take 20 minutes.

Klinger, let me see
that X ray again.

It's me again.
Klinger had to, uh, uh‐‐

Oh, to be in the latrine,
now that spring is here.

[ Jet Passes Overhead ]

[ Groans ]

Winchester,
don't feel so bad.
You'll catch on.

I felt like an intern
in there.

Everybody does
in the beginning.

First thousand patients
are the hardest.

Second day,
it gets easier.

I don't‐‐

I don't think
I can adjust to this.

Look. We know
you're a good surgeon.

Even though some good surgeons
wash out under these conditions,
you won't.

‐ You're gonna make it.
‐ Sure you will.

[ Yawns ]
We're not any better than you.

It's just that
by sheer repetition,
we've gotten fast.

Well,

you may be right.

If you people did it,
I certainly can.

Way to go, Charlie.

Come on over to my office.
We'll have a couple of belts.

Thank you, no.

If you don't mind, uh,

I'd rather be alone.

That is not
a happy person.

Would you rather have Burns?

‐He was more fun to be cruel to.
‐Do me a favor.

No practical jokes,
no horsing around
until he gets broken in. Okay?

I wish you told us that
before we put the snake
in his bed.

♪♪♪ [ Classical: Mozart ]

[ B. J. ]
Hey, we got us
a new record player.

Please, Beej, Mozart.

Have you no respect
for classical music?

Are you kidding?
I got the
"William Tell Overture"...

by Spike Jones.
Oh.

♪♪♪ [ Continues ]

[ Yells ]

Clever. Very clever.

Please... Mozart.