All language subtitles for MASH.S06E01a.Fade.Out.Fade.In.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Waiting for
the Robert E. Lee?

No, sir, it's Major Burns.
He was due back from "R" and "R"
at 2400 hours.

I sent out the daily report
and said he was back.

You've been here
all night?

At 0400 hours,
I had to go to the latrine.
You took the scenic route.

Yes, sir.
Check his tent?
He could have come in...

while you were sitting
with Batman and Robin.

No, I checked.
It's not like Burns.

He's a lousy surgeon,
a pain in the butt,

however,
he's always on time.

I know.
That's why I'm worried.
Relax. Cigar?

Won't it stunt my growth?
What do you got
to lose?

Is it habit forming?

No. I've been smoking
five cigars a day
for 45 years.

Never got the habit.
That's good to know.

[ Spits ]

[ Spits ]
So far so good.

Mm, when do I suck?
I'll let you know.

Now.

Couple more times.

There you go.

Nothing like a good cigar
on a bright, clear morning.

Or Cream of Wheat.

Salkowitz, gimme a hand!

Hey, you're a medic.
Our battalion aid station
got hit.

Crummy war.

All right,
pre‐op and move it.
What a mess.

Some of these guys
got clobbered twice.
Once on the line,

then three hours later
at the aid station.
Their lucky day.

Move him into pre‐op.

Father?

So young.

The younger they get,
the older I get.

[ Helicopter Approaching ]

You're lucky, Sergeant.
That's not too bad. We'll have
you out of here in no time.

Hey, Doc, can you make it
a little worse?

I don't wanna
go back up there.

Well, we'll see.
Maybe I can drop a stitch.
Medic!

Get him to pre‐op.
Start an I. V.
and give him some plasma.

Hell of a time
for Burns to be late.

We can use
every inept surgeon
we can get.

When's Margaret due back
from her honeymoon?
Two more days.

Superficial. Post‐op.
I wish I was with her.

For crying out loud,
she's with her husband.
I wouldn't peek.

Sirs, one of the wounds
is a doctor.

[ Breathing Heavily ]

Dr. Berman,
I'm Dr. Pierce.

Don't waste
your time, Doctor.
[ Exhales ]

We just met,
already he's kibitzing.

Right hemothorax,
full of blood.
Don't talk.

Pericardial tamponade,
full of blood.

We'll fix you up,
Doctor.

Fragment near the heart.

You got a rabbi?

We got a priest
who loves Al Jolson.

Get him.
Knock that off, Berman.

Nobody dies around here
without my say‐so.

[ Potter ] How's Berman?
I got a chest tube in.
He's still bleeding.

‐ Can he travel to Seoul?
‐ He may not even make it
to post‐op.

Klinger.

What's the matter?
Snapped my garter belt.

Don't expect a Purple Heart.
Special case there.

We need
a nice, slow ride.

There you go, Sarge.
Didn't even tingle, did it?

‐ You're gonna be fine.
‐ Finished already, huh, Doc?

‐ Local anesthetic,
seven stitches.
‐ Can't you find anything else?

A hangnail, but the manicurist
doesn't come in on Mondays.

Klinger?
What am I,
the only medic in the shop?

‐ You're loved, you fool.
‐ Command me, oh tall one with
the Presbyterian features.

‐ Bed rest, then ambulatory.
‐ Bed rest, then ambulatory.

[ Potter ]
Where the hell is Burns?

If we're lucky,
he deserted.

[ Chuckles ]
You don't suppose‐‐
No, no, no, no.

‐ What? What?
‐ No, it's ludicrous.

‐ Come on. What? What?
‐ Well, Margaret's
on her honeymoon in Tokyo,

and Frank's late
getting back from Seoul.

‐ You think Frank went to Tokyo?
‐ What could he do there?

Put saltpeter
in Penobscott's teriyaki.
[ Laughs ]

Klinger! This is crazy.
I gotta get on the horn
to "I" Corps.

See if we can trace Burns.
We need another surgeon.

Over there.
Just park it there.

Get my bag, Corporal.

Major Houlihan,
is that you?

No, it's Amelia Earhart.
Who do you think it is?

You.
Oh, you dumb ninny.

How come
you're back so early
from your honeymoon?

You're not my father.
No, ma'am. I sure am glad
to see you though.

We got a terrible lot
of wounded, and Major Burns
isn't back from "R" and "R" yet.

He isn't?
All right, I'll get changed
and get right over.

Did you have
a good time?
Oh, stuff it.

That's nice.
[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Phone Continues Ringing ]

MASH 4077.
[ Potter ]
I got it, Radar.

Oh, I'm sorry, Colonel.
Colonel Potter here.
Who's this?

I didn't know
you had it, sir.
I've got it.

Yes, sir. You certainly do.
What was your name again,
Sergeant?

Sergeant Williams, sir.
Military Police, "I" Corps.

Do you have a Major Frank Burns
in your unit?

Medium build,
beady eyes, weak chin?

That's him.
He was involved
in an incident here in Seoul.

And our report says
that while drunk,

he accosted a blonde WAC.

Kept calling her Margaret.

Acted like he was
shampooing her hair.

And then begged
to clip her toenails.

Ran off before
we could apprehend him.
Is he there, sir?

No, and he's long overdue.
Keep me posted, Sergeant.

Jackass Burns. Radar.
Yes, sir. Is he
on his way, sir?

On his way to a Section Eight.
He's down in Seoul
flipping his beanie.

Get hold of a Colonel Baldwin
at Tokyo General.

Tell him we're desperate
for a surgeon.
Yes, sir.

I'll be in O.R.
if my legs get me that far.
I think you're tired, Colonel.

You know, Radar,
you should have gone
to medical school.

Hello, Tokyo.
Hello, Tokyo.

♪♪♪ [ Whistling ]

Double pair, royal.

That's 121 points‐‐

[ Beeping Over P. A. ]
♪♪♪ [ Whistling ]

And the game.
Damn cribbage!

Ah, Colonel,
for a brief moment,
you thought you had me,

but I scooted away.

What's the damage, Winchester?

Well, in round figures,

you owe me $672.11.

[ Phone Ringing ]
Colonel, I want to thank you...

for teaching me this game.
Colonel?

[ Beeping Over P. A. ]

Colonel Baldwin here.
Yes?

I told you not to call me
when I'm in conference.

Oh, yeah,
that's Potter's outfit.
What do they want?

How long
do they need?

No, it's impossible.
[ Winchester Chuckling ]

Colonel, made a small error.

You owe me $672.17.

It's possible.

[ Beeping Over P. A. ]

Care to put your head
in the noose again?

I'd love to,
but you won't have time.

For the next 48 hours,
you belong to a MASH unit
that's short a man.

MASH? That's one
of those traveling
medicine shows, isn't it?

Right.
Grab the next flight
to Seoul...

and get out
to Colonel Potter
at the 4077th.

Why send your best doctor
into a war zone?

Relax. It's just like
two days here,

except for the artillery
and the snakes.

‐ Better get moving, Winchester.
‐ Surely you jest.

Surely you go.

We got a new surgeon
on the way.

A Major Charles
Emerson Winchester.
[ Potter ] I knew a Winchester.

[ B. J. ] I knew an Emerson.
[ Radar ]
I got an Uncle Charles.

[ Hawkeye ]
Well, at least we won't be
working with a stranger.

[ Metal Clangs ]

Put your finger
on that artery.
Scalpel.

Major Houlihan!
[ B. J. ] Look who's here.

[ Mulcahy ]
What a pleasant surprise.

Uh‐oh, Lulu's
back in town.
Keep working. Keep working.

I'll take over, Baker.
You look exhausted.

Mrs. Penobscott,
it's a pleasure to have
your finger in my work again.

How come you're
back here so early?

Shouldn't you be wearing out
your Do Not Disturb sign?

Heard you were busy.
More sponges!
Major, heard you were back.

Baker, get back in here
and help the colonel.

‐ Now I know you're back.
‐ Tell us about your honeymoon.

Just the dirty stuff.

Captains, please.
Mrs. Penobscott's feelings.

That's what
we want to hear about.

Private Picetti‐‐
X ray hot off the press.

Gloryosky, Sandy.
Do I behold the ravishing
Mrs. Penobscott?

Yes, Klinger,
I'm back. So get moving.

Yes, Major Houlihan.

Never heard of anybody
coming home early
from a honeymoon.

They had to throw
a bucket of water
on me and the missus.

Did you have
a good time?
Clamp.

Clamp.
We need more suction.

If you don't wanna tell us
about your honeymoon,
I understand.

I appreciate that.
But I hope
you took pictures.

What's happening?
The enemy, sir.
Mortars.

The enemy? Here?
Good God!

Turn right! Right!
Left! Left!

Follow me, sir.
Where?

Take cover.
When do they stop?

When they hit something.
Very comforting.

Hit the dirt!

[ Explosions In Distance ]

Good Lord,
what do we do now?

Sit tight, hold your breath
and pray if you got 'em.

What about the jeep?
Don't worry about it, sir.
It's paid for.

Better stay put, Major.

Now we can go.

How?
A.T.

A.T.?

Alternate transportation.

You're on your own now, sir.
I'm going back to headquarters.

Good luck to you.

Extra, "extrey,"
read all about it.

Latest news
in the Stars And Stripes.
U. S. enters war in Korea.

Get your latest news
right here.
Excuse me.

It's a little shack
in the compound
marked "latrine."

Immediate seating
in the mezzanine.
It isn't that.

I want to ask you something.
Go.

Are you a guy,
or a hairy broad
with a deep voice?

I'm all man, Clyde.
The clothes are a dodge.

A what?
If I keep wearing
women's clothes,

maybe they'll give me
a Section Eight,
and send me home.

Oh. How long
you been at this?
Two years, April 22.

Oh, it's not just a dodge.
What do you mean?

If you've been dressing
like this for two years,
you are a Section Eight.

That's what
I keep telling 'em.
Let me tell 'em.

I'm a lawyer.
Captain Schaeffer.
Adjutant General Branch.

I'm telling you.
I can get you a discharge.

Captain,
if you can help,
I'm your slave.

No problem.
Oh, Captain,
my Captain.

Set me free
and for the rest of your life,
I'll bring you belly dancers‐‐

their navels
stuffed with chopped liver.

120 over 80, Sergeant.
You're perfect.

Hey, listen, Doc.

I'm sure there's something
inside that you missed, huh?

It hurts...
right about here.

Comes with the territory.
That's our canned corned beef.

But, Doc,
I don't wanna go back.

I can't say as I blame you.
Would you like to talk
to Father Mulcahy?

[ Sighs ]
Okay, but I'm an atheist.

Really?
Swear to God.

Uh, let's check
Private Leland's chart.

How you feeling,
Dr. Berman?

Critical.

I know you've got
a chest tube in,
and the lung's re‐expanded.

I repaired the laceration
of the ventricle, so there's
a weak area in the myocardium.

In other words,
a ventricular aneurysm.

Yeah, it looks that way.
So...

it's "Good night, Nurse."

You just rest and stabilize.

And, if necessary,
we'll tackle the aneurysm.

You doctors are all alike.

[ Pats Berman's Hand ]

Did you tell him
about the aneurysm?
Yeah.

Gonna try it?
None of us have ever
seen that operation.

What are you gonna do?
I think I'll hide in the woods
till the war is over.

[ Phone Ringing ]
I got it!
You got it!

I know I've got it.
Potter here.

Yeah, Sergeant.
Oh, not Burns again.

He was on this bus,
and he sat down next
to a Red Cross lady.

Tried to bite off
her buttons.

He kept hollering,
"Margaret! Mar‐‐"
Is that his wife?

No, just a well‐built ship
that crossed his wake.
Have you got him locked up?

Well, not exactly, sir.
You see, the lady screamed,

and the bus stopped,
and he jumped out the window.

Look, Sergeant, do me a favor.
When you finally lasso him,

put him in a padded stall.

For your trouble‐‐
Put this toward
some shock absorbers.

You staring at me,
Corporal?
Oh, no, sir.

No, I'm sorry, sir. It's just
we don't get too many strangers
around here standing up.

Charming place.

An inflamed boil
on the buttocks of the world.

What is that odor?

Uh, north wind, cesspool.
East wind, latrine.

‐ The wind is from the south.
‐ Oh, that's the kitchen.

Sir, are you the doctor
we've been waiting for?

It's quite likely.
Major Charles Emerson
Winchester, Surgeon.

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly,
Company Clerk.
[ Chuckles ]

Shall I get
your bag, sir?
Of course.

Where will I find
your commanding officer?

Uh, in his
commanding office.

Uh, this way.

Ooh, I'm sorry, sir.
Do you mind?
[ Clattering ]

Not at all.

‐ Skoal.
‐ Anita Ekberg.

‐ Ingrid Bergman.
‐ Sonja "Heinie."

Sir, this is Major
Charles Emerson, uh‐‐
Winchester.

Winchester.
Radar, don't talk
with your hands full.

Welcome to MASH 4077,
Doctor.
Yup.

Drs. Pierce, Hunnicutt.

Hawkeye.
Doctor.

B.J.
Doctor.

Major, you have no idea
how glad we are to see you.

This is our first break
in 36 hours.
Have a snort.

‐ Thank you. No.
‐ Got your papers, Winchester?

Gee, what swell gloves.
Calf.

Oh.

‐ Where you from, Charlie?
‐ Charles.

‐ Oh.
‐ We're pretty informal up here.
We get very close.

I don't intend to be here
long enough to get chummy.

Well, I'll drink to that.
I'll join you.

Impressive, Doctor.

Harvard Med.
Massachusetts General.
What were you doing in Tokyo?

Demonstrating
new surgical techniques.

‐ Up here, it's strictly
meatball surgery.
‐ Patch 'em up and get 'em out.

[ Snorts ]
That's rather primitive,
isn't it?

We've got a 98%
survival rate, cowboy.

‐ Charles.
‐ No offense intended, Colonel.

Offense accepted, Major.
And you can‐‐

Look. We're all
a little tired.

Let's not get off
on the wrong foot.

Colonel, Dr. Berman
is going into heart failure.
He can hardly breathe.

Let's go.
[ B. J. ]
Ventricular aneurysm.

Why the panic?
Can you do
anything about it?

I've done at least a dozen.
Successfully?

No offense intended,
Major.

Offense accepted.
Let's hang out
your shingle, Major.

[ Winchester ]
More light on the heart.

More suction.

There's your aneurysm.

Now, the main difficulty
here, gentlemen,

is that the aneurysm
may have a clot in it.

If you don't do this
very carefully,

it could break off
and go to the brain.

Then it's "Good‐bye, Charlie."

‐ Sorry. Charles.
‐ So that's how you do this.

You oversew the aneurysm.
Mm‐hmm.

Good work, Remington.

‐ Winchester.
‐ Oh, uh‐‐

‐ Still with us, Hunnicutt.
‐ 100 over 70.

‐ Beautiful, Doctor.
‐ [ Winchester ] Voilà.

Ready to close.
[ Potter ]
Fine work, Doctor.

[ Winchester ]
Considering the circumstances,
I would say extraordinary.

[ Hawkeye ]
Major Winchester, sir,
may I ask a question?

You may.
Could I stop by sometime
for a cup of ego?

Wasn't that wonderful?
Such marvelous technique.

The whole family
has gifted hands.
Mother's a concert pianist.

My dad can get an olive
out of the bottom of a jar
with one finger.

And leave
the pimento behind.
Oh, yeah.

Frontline humor, I suppose.
Crude and boorish.

You gotta admit though.
These jokers'll
make you laugh.

Colonel, sir,
I got Major Burns
on the telephone.

He's calling from Seoul.
About time.

You coming, Margaret?
It's an obscene phone call.

Crude and boorish.
Crude and Boorish.
A great act.

He plucked chickens.
And she jumped
through an awning.

Burns?
Not so fast.

Yeah? Yeah.

Uh‐huh. You are?

What's up?
I should have listened
on my own phone.

Opportunity missed
is an opportunity lost.

Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Writer of note.

Writers of notes
get famous?
Please, I'm on long distance!

Sorry, sir.
Okay, Burns.

I'll take care of it.
Right, Major.

Right.
The same to you.
[ Chuckling ]

What's the latest on Burns?
This one's a doozy.

He saw an officer
and a blonde walking
down the main drag.

‐ And in his state‐‐
‐ Bombed?

Boiled.
Mistook them for
Penobscott and Houlihan.

Well, this couple
went into a public bath,
stripped down, got in the water.

A man and a lady
in the same water?

‐ Baptists.
‐ Oh.

Frank jumps in with them,
still in uniform.

Wow!

Grabbed the woman
and started crying.

Suddenly, he realizes
he's in the water
with the wrong couple.

Mrs. Kester
hollered bloody murder.

Wait a minute.
You mean Brigadier General
and Mrs. Kester?

In the buff.
Wow!

They're holding Burns
for psychiatric observation.

Perfect!

And then‐‐
hang onto your skivvies‐‐

he's being transferred
out of here.

Transferred?
Out of here?

You‐‐
Frank is being transferred?
You mean for good?

That's right.
Holy cow.

They can't do that to us.
There's so much more
we wanted to say to the fink.

And all of it rotten.
You realize this reduces
the enemy to just North Korea.

This calls for a toast.
You too, Radar.

Special occasion.
Thank you, sir.

A toast.
What shall it be?

Something tender.
Something sentimental.

Right.

Good‐bye, ferret face.

[ All Laughing, Whooping ]

Make him permanent
and it's a deal.

Good!

Oh, really?
I'll remember that.

Radar, are you there?
I was, sir.

Oh, what‐‐
But now I'm in here, sir.

Where's Winchester?
He's getting ready to leave.

I want to talk
to him, pronto.