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1
00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:18,230
That I, Mathilde Suffolk-Finch
of Hunderby
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00:00:18,230 --> 00:00:22,640
leave my estate, in its entirety to
my only son,
3
00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:24,850
Edmund Suffolk-Finch of Hunderby.
(WEEPING)
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00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:30,230
On the sole condition that a child be
born to him
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00:00:30,230 --> 00:00:31,930
within a year of my death.
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00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:36,830
If no heir to Hunderby is born within
this year,
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00:00:36,830 --> 00:00:41,240
the estate shall be sold up and the
proceeds lavished
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on an underwater monument to the
drowned dead of the Bethany Rose.
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00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:50,290
Am I? Am I not remembered?
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00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:54,200
Dorothy. Dorothy Mellis.
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00:00:57,880 --> 00:00:59,100
No.
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00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:16,210
♫ "Immortal, Invisible, God Only
Wise" - Walter Chalmers Smith
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♫ Immortal, invisible, God only wise
14
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:24,540
♫ In light inaccessible hid from our
eyes
15
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:32,870
♫ Most blessed, most glorious, the
Ancient of Days
16
00:01:34,090 --> 00:01:37,500
♫ Almighty, victorious,
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00:01:37,580 --> 00:01:43,380
♫ Thy great name we praise. ♫
18
00:01:46,570 --> 00:01:47,770
Now.
19
00:01:47,770 --> 00:01:50,720
Our goodly sisters, Dorothy and
Biddy, would have me remind you
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00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:57,320
that this month's healing ring is to
be held here today at noon,
21
00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:58,550
at noon.
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00:01:58,630 --> 00:01:59,770
And finally.
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00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:05,390
We do humbly ask our Father God that
myself
24
00:02:05,650 --> 00:02:10,790
and my wife be blessed with a child
before the year is through.
25
00:02:10,790 --> 00:02:12,730
Please God.
26
00:02:12,730 --> 00:02:16,640
We pray for the guidance of our
Lord's gentle fist.
27
00:02:18,610 --> 00:02:22,520
For every child is born a filthy
savage
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00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:26,440
smeared in Satan's faeces.
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00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:42,110
Come, come now tortoise mouth
There is work to be done
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00:02:42,350 --> 00:02:46,500
Sorry, these balls are quite big.
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I shall prepare myself upstairs.
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Biddy was up three nights rendering
that beef.
33
00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:12,680
Perhaps Mistress does not want a
child so very much?
34
00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:14,150
I do.
35
00:03:14,150 --> 00:03:16,360
Perhaps she wishes us all to be cast
from Hunderby?
36
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:17,340
No, no.
37
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:19,520
Helene!
38
00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:30,540
Helene!
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00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:35,200
(VIGOROUS MOANING)
40
00:03:39,350 --> 00:03:41,080
Edmund?
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00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:42,780
Edmund.
42
00:03:42,780 --> 00:03:44,990
What?
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00:03:44,990 --> 00:03:46,690
Tis not in.
44
00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:02,840
There.
45
00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:04,550
Oh, Edmund. Tis on my leg.
46
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:10,910
Bubbly milk Sir? Please.
47
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:17,770
Which unfortunate's amongst us
48
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is first that seeketh succour?
49
00:04:23,150 --> 00:04:24,610
You again.
50
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:37,090
We do beseech thee, Father God,
51
00:04:37,330 --> 00:04:39,540
to unleash from bald David,
52
00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:43,450
the evil ones that have eaten
53
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:44,920
all of his hair.
54
00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:52,020
We humbly ask thee.
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00:04:52,020 --> 00:04:53,960
To fill each and every hole
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00:04:55,450 --> 00:04:57,640
of poor David's demon-dented scalp.
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00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:03,280
By the bounty of your Holy Fur.
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00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:08,890
(ALL) Heal him.
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00:05:08,970 --> 00:05:10,620
Hair him.
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00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:14,770
Heal him. Hair him.
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00:05:14,770 --> 00:05:17,700
Heal him. Hair him.
62
00:05:23,660 --> 00:05:25,040
Still nothing?
63
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:32,630
How's Ruth?
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00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:36,780
Not well.
65
00:05:40,210 --> 00:05:41,940
There is much clumping here.
66
00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,850
Perhaps you have been burdened of
late?
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00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:52,450
I must confess the contents of my
mother's will were most unexpected.
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00:05:52,450 --> 00:05:53,920
Ah, yes.
69
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,360
And how goes the creation of your son
and heir?
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00:05:58,570 --> 00:05:59,560
May I speak plainly?
71
00:06:01,020 --> 00:06:02,000
Of course.
72
00:06:10,390 --> 00:06:14,720
I fear my wife may be, erm...
73
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,410
abnormal...
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00:06:17,410 --> 00:06:18,400
below.
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00:06:19,860 --> 00:06:21,800
In what way, brother?
76
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:25,480
I have noted, within her
haired canoe a...
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00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:28,910
kind of growth not unlike
a dangling bell.
78
00:06:29,150 --> 00:06:32,580
Yes, my wife Ruth has
oft mentioned this.
79
00:06:32,580 --> 00:06:35,510
It is said to send women mad.
80
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:39,920
You may recall the Smithers sisters?
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00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:42,110
The balding spinsters of
Puddybutt Lane?
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00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:48,470
Aye sir, both were said to
have these bells below
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00:06:48,470 --> 00:06:50,680
and were quite unable to
leave theirs alone.
84
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,400
May God rest their souls.
85
00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:58,760
They would itch at them like mice at
a wall, squealing and whooping,
86
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,690
as if Satan himself were
riding their lungs.
87
00:07:01,690 --> 00:07:05,120
Yes, perhaps their murder was a
blessing in disguise.
88
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:09,040
Well, bell or no bell,
89
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:12,200
too often do my attempts at congress
with Helene leave me
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00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,410
with a flopping flute.
91
00:07:14,410 --> 00:07:19,550
With Ruth I oft times place a pillow
gently o'er her face
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00:07:19,550 --> 00:07:22,240
and conjure up a more stimulating
scene.
93
00:07:23,700 --> 00:07:25,430
Something else?
94
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,790
Or someone.
95
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:38,390
There's no harm in it, dear brother.
96
00:07:38,390 --> 00:07:40,840
For marriage is lengthy.
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00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:42,540
Yes.
98
00:07:42,540 --> 00:07:47,200
♫ Clean her chimney of Satan's wood
99
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:52,330
♫ So a babe grows hand and foot
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00:07:52,330 --> 00:07:56,750
♫ Make him large and give ye room
101
00:07:56,750 --> 00:07:58,690
♫ Strong and fat!
102
00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:01,640
♫ And ready to boom
103
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:05,050
♫ Boom, boom from her thighs
104
00:08:05,050 --> 00:08:06,520
♫ Boom, boom,
105
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:12,900
♫ Tears in her eyes. ♫
106
00:08:23,410 --> 00:08:25,860
Ah, Mistress Helene.
107
00:08:25,940 --> 00:08:29,030
Hesther. Excuse me.
108
00:08:29,030 --> 00:08:33,200
I too was teary after my first
time in Dorothy's ring.
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00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:36,130
Have you been at all healed?
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00:08:36,370 --> 00:08:40,790
No, but since God saw fit to mow me
down on my wedding night,
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00:08:40,790 --> 00:08:43,240
and leave me numb from face to foot,
112
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:47,630
I must believe I have been chosen as
a continuous beacon of suffering.
113
00:08:47,630 --> 00:08:49,090
I'm sorry.
114
00:08:49,090 --> 00:08:52,760
But dear Helene, I am certain your
womb will ripen
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00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:55,450
all the more for having Dorothy's
holy hand upon it.
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00:08:55,450 --> 00:09:01,810
Thank you. I truly hope so. My
husband's fortune depends on it.
117
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,520
And I should dearly love a child.
118
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:07,690
So should I,
119
00:09:07,690 --> 00:09:10,140
but alas.
120
00:09:10,380 --> 00:09:12,830
Tis no shame to be unwed.
121
00:09:12,830 --> 00:09:17,240
Oh no. God blessed me with a most
steadfast and saintly husband.
122
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:18,710
Oh?
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00:09:18,710 --> 00:09:20,920
I shall ne'er give him a child,
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00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:27,010
nor any mortal pleasure, yet he
tarries with me, day on day,
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00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:32,890
year on year and only death shall
tear us asunder.
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00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,800
Oh, Graham.
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00:09:39,010 --> 00:09:40,720
Doctor Foggerty is your...
128
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:41,700
Yes.
129
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,370
Come now, slug legs. There is work
to be done.
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00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,300
Good day to you, crippled Hesther.
131
00:09:50,110 --> 00:09:52,960
Oh, Mistress Helene. Your kerchief.
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00:09:56,150 --> 00:09:58,090
Oh, why.
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Tis my husband's.
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00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:13,500
Hesther.
135
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:19,860
Oh, Graham, spurge and boomrape.
136
00:10:19,860 --> 00:10:21,080
My favourites.
137
00:10:42,430 --> 00:10:45,120
I have taken the liberty of
furnishing
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00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:48,550
a nursery in readiness for an heir.
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00:10:48,550 --> 00:10:50,010
Oh thank you, Dorothy.
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00:11:01,030 --> 00:11:05,680
Baby should sleep in silence for 14
hours straight through.
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00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:08,610
If he can be heard crying it's
because Satan has
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00:11:08,850 --> 00:11:12,520
clambered into his cot and he's
best left to fight it out.
143
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:20,590
Well you certainly have the woman's
touch.
144
00:11:23,540 --> 00:11:26,950
There we are, maam.
145
00:11:26,950 --> 00:11:28,680
Biddy's battered bone buns,
146
00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:31,120
to toughen your nipples for
suckling,
147
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:34,530
with a marrowfat ointment, to grease
your chute.
148
00:11:36,980 --> 00:11:37,960
Thank you.
149
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:49,720
This yours, maam?
150
00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:57,040
Oh, yes...
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00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,530
I must have dropped it.
152
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:03,670
"Lizbeth," maam?
153
00:12:05,370 --> 00:12:08,300
A middle name, tis short for
154
00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:09,520
Elizabeth.
155
00:12:11,970 --> 00:12:16,150
And the pregnant-backed gentleman?
156
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:23,470
He, oh of course, my brother.
157
00:12:23,550 --> 00:12:26,180
He died a leper
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00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:28,870
hence my mission to the leper colony.
159
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:41,080
Well, let us pray this family hump
does not surface in your own
160
00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:44,520
child like some great unwelcome
whale.
161
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:55,030
Ah, Helene!
162
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:58,220
Oh.
163
00:12:58,220 --> 00:13:01,410
Brother Joseph has suggested a
biblical scenario
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00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:04,340
to enliven our somewhat fruitless
conjunctions.
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00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:08,490
You shall be playing Job.
166
00:13:08,730 --> 00:13:12,160
The hessian Wednesday sack and tawny
knickerbocker.
167
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:19,270
Yes, if you don those and then take
up a prayer position.
168
00:13:19,270 --> 00:13:22,440
I shall join you presently as...
169
00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:27,330
Jehovah raining down punishments
from on high.
170
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:34,920
(VIGOROUS MOANING)
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00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,050
Even as Job you turn me to cushion.
172
00:13:56,950 --> 00:14:00,120
Now you are a true gentleman's
valet, Geoff.
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00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:05,250
This livery suits your complexion
very well.
174
00:14:05,250 --> 00:14:06,480
A coffee bean in
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00:14:07,940 --> 00:14:08,920
velvet custard.
176
00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:13,580
No, the silken stockings go on
before the britches, Geoff.
177
00:14:54,930 --> 00:14:57,860
Dorothy. How is a man to enjoy his
egg with you
178
00:14:57,860 --> 00:15:01,050
flapping a gory rag at his face?
179
00:15:01,290 --> 00:15:04,460
I thought you would wish to know,
as time is trickling away, Sir,
180
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:07,410
Satan's jam hath once again burst
her bristled button.
181
00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:09,860
(SMASH) Ow!
182
00:15:25,510 --> 00:15:28,940
Good day, Sir, Mad...
183
00:15:28,940 --> 00:15:31,390
But your cheek?
184
00:15:32,850 --> 00:15:36,280
Tis bruised.
185
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:37,750
She is most clumsy.
186
00:15:37,990 --> 00:15:41,420
Tis like living with a bull in
skirts.
187
00:15:41,420 --> 00:15:44,830
A lard salve shall halt the
purpling.
188
00:15:44,830 --> 00:15:48,760
It is not her face I wish you to
examine, Doctor, but her womb.
189
00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:51,690
I'm sure my womb is well, Sir.
190
00:15:51,690 --> 00:15:53,640
Then why does it weep, Helene?
191
00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:56,350
Month upon month its vicious red
tears?
192
00:15:56,430 --> 00:15:57,570
I insist, Doctor,
193
00:15:57,810 --> 00:16:00,500
that you investigate her uterus this
very minute.
194
00:16:09,070 --> 00:16:12,740
I believe my hand may be a little
warmer than the pincer.
195
00:16:12,980 --> 00:16:14,200
Yes please.
196
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,280
If you could flop a whisper more?
197
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:34,990
As would a basking frog.
198
00:16:38,660 --> 00:16:41,850
I trust tis all as it ought?
199
00:16:41,850 --> 00:16:44,300
As other ladies might be?
200
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:45,260
Indeed
201
00:16:51,380 --> 00:16:54,810
I had the honour of attending the
last Lady of Hunderby.
202
00:16:54,810 --> 00:16:56,040
Arabelle?
203
00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:58,240
Yes.
204
00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:01,650
Her womb was quite flaccid and thin.
205
00:17:03,620 --> 00:17:07,050
Whereas yours, madam, is very firm
and...
206
00:17:07,290 --> 00:17:10,220
oh, springy to the touch,
207
00:17:10,220 --> 00:17:13,650
with a moist neck,
208
00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:19,770
and a widthy canal.
209
00:17:19,770 --> 00:17:20,490
Oh...
210
00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:25,150
you have borne a child already?
211
00:17:31,510 --> 00:17:34,460
I would be most appreciative if you
allowed me
212
00:17:34,540 --> 00:17:36,160
to tell Edmund of this
213
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,370
in my own time.
214
00:17:38,370 --> 00:17:39,840
But of course Madam
215
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,040
he need never know, if that be your
will.
216
00:17:43,750 --> 00:17:45,450
But you are fit for many more,
217
00:17:45,530 --> 00:17:47,180
he may know that.
218
00:17:47,180 --> 00:17:49,630
Thank you.
219
00:17:49,870 --> 00:17:55,240
The child was not a union of love,
but of brutality.
220
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:59,160
I was ravished by a humpback and did
221
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:01,840
birth a haired runt that died.
222
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:04,050
Tis a blessing, madam,
223
00:18:04,290 --> 00:18:07,960
for 'twould surely have ended as a
full-grown simpleton.
224
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,170
Oh, hush-a-ho.
225
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:15,070
Let me stem these salty rivers from
thine eyes.
226
00:18:15,070 --> 00:18:18,980
Madam, I...
227
00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:20,680
I too have a secret.
228
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:21,910
Yes?
229
00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:26,800
Twas I...
230
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:28,510
Twas I that crippled my wife
Hesther.
231
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:34,630
You? Twas An accident, of course,
232
00:18:34,630 --> 00:18:37,580
but the night before our wedding.
233
00:18:37,580 --> 00:18:39,760
I realised, I did not love her.
Not truly
234
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:40,990
No?
235
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:46,390
So I sought to drown my fears in
drink, the great seductress.
236
00:18:47,610 --> 00:18:51,760
I guzzled till dawn and took off for
the woods upon my horse Roland,
237
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:55,680
with half a mind to ride myself into
a tree
238
00:18:55,680 --> 00:19:00,330
Instead I passed out, green-gilled
atop his silken rump,
239
00:19:00,570 --> 00:19:02,780
and the faithful fellow did guide me
home.
240
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:08,640
But near my dwelling I came to with
such a jolt,
241
00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:12,070
I kicked poor Roland hard and in his
zest to transport me hence,
242
00:19:12,070 --> 00:19:14,280
he saw not Hesther coming out to
greet me. No!
243
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:16,720
I mowed the poor lass down.
244
00:19:19,650 --> 00:19:22,340
To this day she knows not twas I.
245
00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:31,150
Well, Foggerty, I am most revived at
news of my wife's fecundity.
246
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:39,240
Perhaps I already hear the echo of
tiny footsteps
247
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:40,940
in your meaty cavern?
248
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,370
I know not, Sir
249
00:19:44,370 --> 00:19:47,780
If I may, I should like to return to
examine you also, Sir,
250
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:51,210
to confirm that all is well with
your seed.
251
00:19:51,210 --> 00:19:53,900
I am not at fault, Doctor Foggerty.
252
00:19:55,870 --> 00:19:58,320
If I can be of any assistance,
Doctor Foggerty.
253
00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:01,990
Nor will I have you paddling about
in my seed, Dorothy.
254
00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:07,840
I am to be found out.
255
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,570
Annie? Annie?
256
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,000
How now, miss?
257
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:15,430
Doctor Foggerty knows of my past.
258
00:20:15,430 --> 00:20:17,640
Of the child I bore John Whiffin.
259
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:19,100
Hush, miss.
260
00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:22,530
It would not be the first queer
child what's haunted these walls.
261
00:20:22,770 --> 00:20:26,200
I'm sure he will not tell. And what
if he does?
262
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,910
It's not as if you killed anyone.
263
00:20:35,010 --> 00:20:36,720
I know what will cheer you up.
264
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:38,920
Why don't you and I go and play with
Susan.
265
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,470
Well, all seems well.
266
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:25,410
(TERRIBLE SCREAMS AND GROANS)
267
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:33,480
Shhhhhhh.
17984
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