All language subtitles for Deadpool.and.Wolverine.2024.E.EN

That logo music just

gets you pumped, right?

I'm sorry, I'm just excited to be here.

It's been a while.

For a long time,
I wasn't sure I'd ever be back.

Disney bought Fox,
there was a whole

boring rights issue,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But then, it turned out
they wanted me,

the one guy who shouldn't
even have his own movie.

Much less a franchise.

Marvel is so stupid!

Look, we know the
title of this thing, so

I know what you're wondering.

How are we going
to do this without

dishonoring Logan's memory?

And I'll tell you how.

We're not.

Holy.

I'm going to let you in
on a little secret.

Wolverine is not dead.

Sure, it made for a perfect
ending to a very sad story,

but that's not how
regenerative healing factors work.

You think I want
to be out here in

beautiful downtown North Dakota,

digging up the one
and only Wolverine?

No, thank you.

But the fate of my
entire world is at stake.

He may not be living
his best life, but

he sure as hell ain't dead.

Bingo.

Yahtzee.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Damn it!

Son of a bitch!

Fuck! Motherfucker!

My world is fucked!

That was weird.

I'm much calmer now.

Look, I'm not a man of science,

but you seem incredibly
passed away.

But it's good to see ya.

I gotta be honest,
I've always wanted to

ride with you, Log'.

You and me getting into a
Deadpool and a Wolverine.

Just fucking shit up.

Can you imagine the fun,
the chaos, the residuals?

G'day mate!

There's nothing that'll bring me back to

life faster than a
big bag of Marvel cash.

Me too, Hugh.

No, no, no, no.

Ugh, he had to get all
noble and die for real.

God damn it!

I could really use
your help right now.

Wait!

I'm warning you!
I'm not alone!

Wade Winston Wilson!

You're under arrest by
the Time Variance Authority.

With too many crimes
for this, come out!

We're giving you the courtesy...

Death by day player.

Last chance!

Throw out your weapons
and come out peacefully!

I'm not gonna give you my weapons!

But I promise not to use them.

There are 206 bones
in the human body.

207 if I'm watching Gossip Girl.

Here we go, maximum effort.

I am soaking wet right now.

To be clear, I'm not
proud of any of this.

The wanton violence,
the whiff of necrophilia,

it isn't who I am, it
isn't who I wanna be.

Who I wanna be?

Well, to help you understand that,

I gotta take you back.

My little joy ride I took
through space and time,

to the day that
changed everything.

I can't believe I'm finally here.

I've waited for this
moment for so long.

Thank you, sir, for seeing me.

I firmly believe that my
services could be of great use

to your organization.

Now, I know I was
caught smash-turbating

in the lobby of Stark Tower.

Smash-turbating?

I'm sure you did that.

I'm sorry, what was that?

No, I'm sorry.

That's when you get
those toy hulk hands, right?

And then you just, you
look down and you just,

you brace yourself and
you ravage the midsection.

I get it, okay, thank you.
The picture's painted.

You get the gist.

What exactly brings
you here today?

Well, okay, I care.

I know I turn
everything into a joke,

but I care and I want
to use that feeling

for something important.

I want to matter.

And to show
my girl that I matter.

And, you know,
I feel like I'm wasting

the good stuff here.

Is the man not going
to be joining us?

The man?

Yeah, I should say
this if he's going to.

As far as you can tell

right now, I'm the man.

The man is me.

I am the man
in this circumstance.

And he doesn't do this
kind of thing anymore.

- Cameos?
- Meetings.

Entry-level meetings.

Entry-level?

Aren't you the chauffeur, maybe?

Common misconception,

I did begin my career
as Mr. Stark's driver.

I quickly pivoted to
the head of security.

The head of security?

The head of security, of
course, yes, yes, yes, yes.

And while I am
vetting your resume.

You seem to have
left out whether or not

you had any experience
as a member of a team.

Could you maybe add a
little bit of perspective?

Oh, yes, of course.

I was Special Forces,
but I was mainly,

I was team leader,
founder, really, of X-Force.

Sadly, they all perished in action.

How exactly did that happen?

Well, the police say
gravity, but just between us,

they didn't test well in
the focus group.

Particularly Cable.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I
can see this isn't going on.

Please stop writing.

I'm just, I want to be an Avenger.

I want to be an Avenger.

Why do you want to be an Avenger?

Look around you, I mean,
they're the best of the best.

And what they do matters.
I need to be an Avenger.

Sir, that girl is kind
of had a bit of a shtick,

and if I don't, you
know, turn things around

and do something with my gifts,
I don't think it's going

to really work out for me,
and I wouldn't blame her.

Avengers are a very
unique group of superheroes

that stand for something
more than just fighting

and wearing costumes.

I mean, people look up to us.
Kids look up to us.

I'm sorry, us?

I wasn't aware that
you were an Avenger.

Avengers adjacent, technically.

Oh, what's your superpower?
Is it parallel parking?

I am so sorry.
That was cruel.

I lash out when I'm nervous.
It won't happen again.

- Let's cut to the chase.
- Please.

You just said moments ago

that you wanted to be an Avenger

because you need it.

Yes, sir, I do.

But the Avengers don't do
the job because they need it.

They do the job because
people need them.

Do you see the distinction?

Yes, sir.

Please, Mr. Hogan,
I don't want to spend

the rest of my life like
an annoying one-trick pony.

All right.

Oh, my God.
You're standing.

Yeah, now's the time that we stand.

Damn it.

The problem might be that

you're reaching a little too high.

Aim for the middle
and you'll never miss.

I think you got a good heart.
I believe what you're saying.

But not everybody's
a world-saving type.

I'm not.
I'm happy. Right?

I found my place.

Find your place.

All right.
Get back out there.

We'll keep an eye on you.
Good luck.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Fetch the car.
I want to hit Shake Shack.

Rejection makes me hung-y.

No, no, no. Please.

No, no, no. Okay.

You know what they say?

When one door closes,

your locker at work opens.

Let's go sell some certified

pre-owned vehicles, motherf...

Technically, the
carnival's not a minivan.

It's an MPV.

So how does the Kia
compare to the Honda Odyssey?

The Odyssey?
That's a great question.

It doesn't fucking suck.

You know, you can answer
the question without swearing.

I'm sorry, Tammy.
I don't have kids.

Not that I haven't dreamt of that.

You don't have a lot of vaginal sex.

- You'll get them next time, pal.
- Yeah.

And look, you can always
go back to super-heroing.

I mean, I know I'd like to
see you back in the suit.

I don't keep it in my locker
so that I can wear it.

I keep it in my locker in case
we need to settle up again.

Hey, hey, hey.
What is that doing in there?

I'm done.

I'm done.

And I'm fine with being done.

Look, is sales the best match?

Probably not.

Is this the life that
I always imagined for myself?

Fuck no!

This is the right fit for me.

- Sugar Bear, it is.
- Okay, Mr. Wilson.

I'm just saying, once a month,
we could go on a little mission.

We're human beings.
We crave purpose.

After all, we're Deadpool.

Please stop saying that.
We're not Deadpool.

I'm not even Deadpool anymore.

Well, if we're gonna have
a midlife crisis, go big.

A few years ago, a friend of
mine got his nipples pierced

with a titanium chain that goes down
and attaches to his Van Johnson.

Are you feeling "Grumplestiltskin"
because it's your birthday?

What?

No.

No.

Surprise!

Hey, you guys are
lucky I'm not armed.

Get in here.

This was six years ago.
You'd all be dead.

So then, he gets out of the cab,
and you would not believe it.

I turn around, and what do I find?

- Airpods.
- Airpods!

- Crazy stories.
- Every time.

- Come on.
- Every single time.

Make any sales today?

You know I didn't.

Did you sell any dreamcatchers
on Etsy or whatever it is you do?

The rent is due in 3 days Wade,

- and I can't keep carrying you.
- Relax.

I have the money.
I sold some old blood

pressure medication
I found lying around.

You're trying to kill me,
motherfucker.

I'm not the one dousing
everything in salt, motherfucker.

I pray every day that fire finds your

body and finishes the job

God didn't have the nuts to do.

That's hurtful. If you could
hear the look on my face,

you'd smell how sad I am.

You watching me good?

Great British break-off.

Oh, God damn.

That show stood between me
and suicide for ten years.

Those are my feelings.

On abortion, religious freedom, animal

rights, privacy rights, vaccines, free

market capitalism, global climate change.

No, no, no, no, no speaking lines Buck.

Hi, you, Kyo. Hi, Wade.

Nice, fake o'clock shadow.

It's a summer balayage from the French.

It's meant to mimic the natural

highlights of the sun.

It's a toupee. It's a hair system.

I love your hair system, Wade.

Thank you.

- Want to do some cocaine?
- Hey, cocaine is

the one thing that

Feig said is off-limits.

- What about Bolivian watching?
- They know

all the slang terms. They have a list.

- Even snowboarding?
- Even disco dust.

- White girl interrupted?
- Even Forrest Bump.

- Bugger Sugar.
- I wouldn't...

even try powdered go nuts.

Do you want to build a...

- snowman?
- Yes, but I can't.

- Hold here.
- Here?

- What happened?
- That's the Fun part.

- Thanks for coming.
- Yeah.

- How's work?
- Oh, I got a promotion.

- No way.
- Yeah.

It's mind-numbing middle

management, but I'm happy.

That's great.

- You seeing anyone?
- How are you?

Um, yeah. Guy from work.

- Dermit.
- Dermit?

- He's kind.
- Good.

Likes to go hiking.

Hasn't gotten me shot yet.

Well... It's the early days.

How about you? You seeing anyone?

No, no, I live in a one-bedroom

apartment. Share bed with Blind Al.

- All right.
- All right.

Happy birthday to you.

Okay, okay, okay.

Birthdays.

Every spin around the moon

is a new adventure indeed.

- Sun, dumb-ass!
- Okay, round-earther!

- Where was I?
- The Adventure of Life.

Right. It's been a
challenging few years.

I haven't seen
you guys in a while.

Been through a lot.
Change of life.

- Menopause?
- Bitch, are you improv-ing?

I'm sorry that you had
to see that, Yukio.

But I'm happy.

You know, that's because of

each and every one of you.

I guess what
I'm trying to say is how

proud I am, how grateful I am,

to be standing in a room with every

single person I love.

I'm the luckiest man alive.

- Make a wish, buddy.
- 10-4, good buddy.

Going down.

- Wade Wilson?
- Oh, yeah. Dancers.

Dopinder must have ordered you.

Are those supposed
to be cop costumes?

Never mind. Take your clothes off,
but leave the helmets.

And this isn't Pretty Woman,
we're kissing...

What song do you
guys normally dance to?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is that supposed to be scary?

Pegging isn't new for me
friend-o, but it is for Disney.

Look, I've never
been a natural bottom.

So we're going to
take things real slow,

and I want some
crazy eye contact.

Not you, you.

I can't see your eyes through

the mask, but I can feel it.

We're going to move
on down the hallway

so we can spare a
cleanup on Isle Hassel.

How does everyone
feel about this plan?

- I don't like you.
- Yes.

Let's hold on to that attitude,

and we're going to do it angry.

Mr. Wilson.

You appear to have soiled
yourself while unconscious.

I wasn't unconscious.
Who are you?

I go by the name of Paradox,
Mr. Paradox,

and you're sitting here at the TVA,
the Time Variance Authority.

We're really a
watchdog organization.

Except we're more
lighthearted than that sounds,

with sort of throwback ironic twist.

And we're in charge
of defending what's

known as the sacred timeline.

Holy fuck, that is a shit ton of
exposition for a three-quel.

Is this because I used
Cable's Time Machine

brought a couple of
people back to life,

then I destroyed it.

That was a long time ago.

Yes, we're aware of your
abuse of your timeline.

You were so abusive of it.

No, it has nothing to do
with that. Walk with me.

I brought you here,
Mr. Wilson, to tell

you that you're special.

In fact, you've been chosen
for a higher purpose,

a purpose unclear even to me,

but one that could save
the entire sacred timeline

from a possibly grisly
fate sometime in the future,

which may very well
need to be avenged.

This sacred timeline,
I assume I'm going

to marvel at how
cinematic it feels,

gratuitous cameos, indiscriminate use
of variants, the whole package?

Oh, you tell me.

Cap...

You are no longer lost, Wade.

You can be a hero among heroes.

We've been surveilling
you for quite a while.

The subway station.

A TVA outpost, yes.

And what is that?

Is that me? Is that Thor?

Is he crying?

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

That happens in the distant future.

Why is Thor crying?

Do not speak to her.
Stop that.

I brought you here to
offer you an opportunity,

the opportunity you
sought years ago but

for which you were not ready.

We believe you're ready now,

ready for a chance
to leave your timeline

and join the greatest
universe of all.

I am about to give you the
thing you've always wanted.

I smell what you're stepping in.

The power in the Marvel Universe
is about to change forever.

I am the Messiah.

I am...

Marvel Jesus.

Excuse me.

Just goin' over here.

Suck it, Fox.

I'm going to Disneyland.

Get fucked!

Where do I sign?

Oh, no need for paper work.

Good. Not to brag,
but I do not read.

There is one thing
I will need, though.

Oh, fuck off.

Adorn me, Beardo.

Fuckin-A!

It's perfect.

FYI, your tailor is a
predator, but I love it.

Snug, no camel toe,
new car smell,

and adamantium katanas?
You shouldn't have.

Go ahead.
Take it in.

And yes, your underwear
is getting tighter.

That guy knows what
I'm talking about.

His clothes say
middle management

but his eyes say fucky-fucky.

Yes, you look very nice.

Nice? Your buddy here
is ready to throw

it all away for me.

You calling your wife?

HR.

Is your wife working HR?

I'm really glad you're
taking this so well.

Oh, I'm taking it well.

I have never had a
problem traveling for work.

That said, we should
talk vacation days.

I'm more of a one-week-on,
one-week-off kind of guy.

I think it's what
they do in Denmark.

You'll never see a Danish
flag in the moon, but...

God damn it, they're happy.

Now, let's power up your
little Amazon Fire Phone there

and zip me back home so
I can let my friends know

that they've been
upgraded... to Disciples.

Yep. You don't quite understand.

You will not be
returning to your home

because there will be
no home to return to.

Come again,
this time in my ears?

This is your universe, Mr. Wilson.

That is what happens
when a universe

loses their anchor-being.

See how it decays
from the inside?

This is how a reality dies.

What's an anchor-being?

An anchor-being is an entity
of such vital importance

that when they die,
their whole world

slowly withers out of existence.

You've just won the
lottery because I didn't die.

It's just a little midlife crisis,
I'm better now.

Oh, my God!

Oh, not to laugh.

Can you imagine if you
were the anchor-being?

Yeah.

No, it isn't you, Mr. Wilson.

Your anchor-being died in
an act of self-sacrifice

so epic that it sent
shivers down the timeline.

I am referring, of course,
to Logan, the Wolverine.

Oh, this is what it feels like.

Logan.

Of course.

The guy forks for hands!

That Wolverine!

Yeah, I got it.

You can turn your retro
graphics of death off now.

Make it stop.

We're not doing it,
Mr. Wilson.

We certainly can't stop it.

How long have we got?

In most cases,
a couple thousand years.

Well, sweet.

Most cases aren't
fast enough, not for me.

What does that mean?

It means that I have
been tasked with

overseeing the
end of your universe

and regardless of
what the pencil pushers

upstairs would prefer,

I will not waste my
life watching it die

slowly of natural causes.

We used to just
prune these things,

simple, elegant, efficient,

but I'm told the TVA doesn't
like to do that anymore.

Well, I do.

And no matter what my
so-called superiors say,

the multiverse does
not need a babysitter.

We need a mercy killer.

And in this instance,
I am the mercy killer.

What in the macguffin is that?

That's a time-ripper, Mr. Wilson.

An accelerant.

Once completed,
it will allow me to

destroy the space-time
matrix of your universe.

You see, I don't want
to work for the TVA.

I want to be the TVA.

And the first step
involves showing this

organization how much more
efficient it can become.

I will be giving your universe a swift
and compassionate end.

And don't worry, your
friends won't feel a thing.

It'll be over just like this.

Oh, what's that?

Trust me.

You're gonna Old Yeller
my fucking universe?

In your parlance, yes.

Two in the heart,
one in the head.

Look, Mr. Wilson,
you have two choices.

You can either rejoin
your loved ones and

collectively cease to
exist in, let's say, 72 hours,

or you join the sacred timeline.

And you end your days of
insignificance and mediocrity.

Wade.

Wade, you can finally...
finally matter.

That's all I've ever really wanted.

I know.

I know.

And you know, I'm nothing
if not morally flexible.

Yep, yep.

I'll do it.

Wise choice.

The sacred timeline is
happy to have you.

I was talking about
finding the Wolverine

and breaking your fucking nose.

Find him.

Find him!

And boy, did he ever.

Which brings us back to this.

The desecration of
the sacred corpse.

Ow, my own fucking arm.

- Now we're talking!
- Not like this!

I'm sorry!
"Wolverineing" is hard!

Make it stop!

Mangold tried!

You sick fuck!

Logan was a hero
and the only thing

worth a shit to ever
come out of Canada!

Get my country's name

out of your fucking mouth.

And my sword.

Gimme that.

Oh, I gotta find me another Logan.

An alive one.

Don't get up, guys.
I'll see myself out.

Logan!

I'm gonna need you
to come with me.

Who's asking?

Well, look at this little
"Hairy Lou Retton".

Did you stick the
landing, little guy?

Yes, you did,
comic-accurate short king.

Such a cute wi-dou, wovee.

Cue the fucking montage, baby.

Oh boy! Everything
seems to be on fire.

You have a dragon?

Ooh, you have anchor-being
written all over.

Patch.

Now we're talking.

Ooh, yeah.

That's the whole
goddamn package right there.

I'm auditioning anchor-beings.

Oh, that's gonna need
some coconut oil.

What in the fuck?

Are you okay?

Oh, yes, yes.

Classic John Byrne
brown and tan...

Now, you fought the
Hulk in this outfit, no?

I'm Marvel Jesus, you dull
creature, and I will not...

It's not you... we're just going
in a different direction.

You know, from behind,
you look a little bit like Henry...

Oh, my fuck!

The Cavillrine.
The legends are true.

And may I say, sir,
on behalf of all humanity,

this just feels right.

We will treat you
so much better than

those shit-fucks down the street

You were just leaving.

No, sir, not while the
fate of my universe is at...

This one looks promising.

Down you go.

Again.

I told you, you're not welcome here.

You're not welcome anywhere.

Now get the fuck out of my bar.

Just give me one more

drink and then I'll leave.

That's not how it works.

It does now.
Leave the bottle.

I know you, bub?

Nope. But I know you.

Everybody knows me.

I'm the Wolverine.

Yes, you are, and I'm gonna need
you to come with me right now.

Look, lady, I'm not interested.

Really getting into your cuffs...

Why would I go with you?

Because, unfortunately,
I need you.

And even more unfortunately,
my entire world needs you.

You two gonna fuck or fight?

You gonna take that from him?

Yep.

I can tell you that sort

of don't get too close,

I'll only break your
heart by going here.

But every other
Wolverine would have

really hurt me by now.

And I'm sort of on the tic-tic,
so, upsy-daisy, here we go.

Oh.

Whiskey-dick of the claws.
It's quite common in Wolverines over 40.

You don't want this.

You're right. I don't.

And you don't want this.

Unless you want to take a deep breath
through your fucking forehead...

I suggest you reconsider.

Let's go, Peanut.

Oh, hold-on, hold-on.

Watch this.

All right.

That's a little... easy.

Good God.

Thirsty little honey-badger,
aren't you?

It's okay. Keep going.

Audiences are
accustomed to long run times.

I guess you'll have to do...

Okay.

Ooh.

Look at those jammies.

That only took 20 fucking years.

One anchor-being coming right up!

On your left, baby girl.

This Logan has the same...
"he can do anything even musicals" -look.

Bonus! He's actually
wearing a costume

like he's not embarrassed to be on
a superhero movie for once.

I don't understand.

You said my universe is dying,

because this sack of
nuts got himself killed.

Well, problem solved.

My God.

You actually think
you can replace an

anchor-being with this?

I wouldn't have accepted any
other Wolverine B-T-Dubs,

but you have outdone
yourself and brought

me the worst Wolverine.

What do you mean the worst one?

Mr. Wilson, this Wolverine...

let down his entire world.

He's the stuff of legend,
but not in a good way.

And what he did...
well, some things are

just beyond forgiveness.

Okay. How do I make this right?
I'll do anything.

I gave you a chance at greatness,

because my superiors
deemed you special.

Clearly not special in a good way,

but apparently you have some
important future purpose to serve.

With Thor, he holds me.

But I did my duty.

I gave you the
opportunity to be somebody,

and instead of accepting
my offering with

humility and gratitude,
you broke my nose.

It looks great.

And decimated dozens
of my men with the

exumed corpse of a hero,

dishonoring not only
his remains, but his memory.

What are you, Internet?

Your world is dying!

Thank you very much.

And there's no stopping it.

The humane thing
to do to make it quick!

Is the thought of vaporizing
my universe making you peckish?

I'm eating my feelings.

I'm about to lose everything
that I've ever cared about,

because that hairy
thunder cunt from

down-under cunt finally dies,
and he's standing

right behind me, isn't he?

Welcome to the MCU, by the way.

You're joining at
a bit of a low point.

As for you,
I want to talk to your boss.

I want you to get
him on the phone,

and you tell him,
her, or them that

Marvel H. Christ isn't playing.

Holy shit.

I just heard a symphony of
butt holes clenching all at once.

You're off-grid.

Your bosses don't know what you
sick fucks are doing down here.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I have a black belt in Karen, and I'm

going to go upstairs,

and I'm going to tell

them all about you and...

Oh, silence is nice.

What the fuck did he go?

To the trash heap.

You'll fit right in.

That was close.

Don't just stand there, you ape.

Give me a hand up.

No, I'm actually okay.
Thank you!

Where the hell are we?

I don't know.

It looks kind of Mad Maxie.

But that would be
IP infringement, right?

Fucking jokes.

Were you even
listening back there?

We don't make it back to
that Mr. Paradox asshole.

- Everyone I know is going to die.
- Not my fucking problem!

Well, is that all you got?

Is that what you said
when your world went to shit?

Come again?

Yeah, I heard all about you.

How you screwed up everything,

You should be thanking me for pulling
you out of that bed you shit in.

You backstabbing son of a bitch!

Are you ready to be calm now?

Rest in pieces Fox.

I don't want to fight you, peanut.

Doesn't matter what you did.

I just need your help.

I don't fucking care.

This is gonna hurt.

Alright!

Fuck it!

Let's give the people
what they came for.

Let's fucking go.

Get your special sock out, nerds.

This gonna get good.

Baby knife!

Let's see you grow
your fucking head back!

I can fix it! I can fix it!

It's what? Whatever it is that you did.

Whatever made you so bad.

Those... those...

Pricks! In the TPA you heard them.

They have the power
to end my universe.

But they also have the
power to change yours.

We get back there.

And we can fix your world.

Together.

I promise.

They can fix it.

Hey!
We fight each other, we lose.

Dear God, it's him.

- Who?
- The One.

The superhero equivalent
to comfort-food or molly.

White guy's answer to all their
disappointments and another A-lister.

Fair warning, gorgeous.

You're going to encounter
some indelicate language.

A smidge of ass play, but we've been
prohibited from using cocaine... on camera.

- They're coming.
- Who's they?

Oh, they're driving angry.

Now that's a superhero lead!

I got this.

Stay close.

Aye-aye Captain.

You got this.

Cassandra is going to be giddy
when she sees what we caught.

You can't run.
Everybody knows that.

You see anyone running,
dick-for-brains?

You're not going to love
what happens next.

Oh, oh my God.

Oh my God He's going to say it.

Ha! Oh my God!
He's going to say it!

- Say, what?
- Avengers, assemb...

Flame on!

Oh! Fuck!

- We don't know that guy.
- We thought we did.

I know you.

Holy sh...

- Sabretooth, your brother.
- Ready to die!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Time!

You look ridiculous.

People have waited
decades for this fight.

It's not going to be easy.

Baby knife!

Shoot the double, take him down.

Side control, then full mount and

ground and pound 'til he makes
no sound because he's dead.

- Shut the fuck up.
- Oh my God.

Okay, good luck.
I'm a huge fan.

What is it, girl?

Is there trouble at the well?

Big trouble.

Behold!

The head of your
precious queen, Furiosa!

I have the Wolverine.

I alone control her.

You come for me!

You come for her.

So sorry. I know
it's pronounced him.

I'm gender blind.
It's my cross to bear.

Who's next?

Toad! You're up.

Uh-oh.

Holy shi...

God of Thunder.

When was I asleep?

Not all of you was asleep.

Don't bother.

They're very thorough.

If you know where
we are, start talking.

You're in the void.

Think of it as purgatory.

Reed called it a
metaphysical junkyard

where anything useless goes before
it gets annihilated forever

and where the TVA sends people that don't
play nice with the rest of the multiverse.

- Like you?
- And you.

What does the annihilating?

Alioth.

Alioth is in this thing?
From Loki season one episode five?

Everyone here is
on the run from Alioth.

Most, don't make it.

There's a resistance though.

Other people like us
that manage to survive,

they're hiding out in the border lands
trying to find a way the fuck outta here.

Then that's where we go.

We? Us? A team?
The answer is yes! Shake on it.

Fuck!

You nicked it! Just got the tip
with your little steak knife.

These others can help us get back
to the TVA. They can fix things.

Something funny, Bub?

She might have
something to say about that.

Who's she?

In the void.

You're either food for
Alioth or you work for her.

Oh, Paul Rudd finally aged.

Oh, you must be this year's
Juggernaut. Thank you!

I'd keep your voices down.
She don't like the chatter.

She's gonna love you.

Is it Charles?

Hey, hey, Chuck, it's us!

That's not Chuck.

Ah, shit.

Oh, ableism, great.

That's not gonna go over
well with the woke mob.

A Wolverine.

I wondered when
I'd get one of you.

You're one of Xavier's.

You know him, you know Chuck?

Oh, I knew him.

We shared a womb.

Tried to strangle the sly little
fellow with my umbilical cord.

Amen...
I've never loved roommates.

Mine's blind, except she could
see cocaine for some reason.

You wanna chime in,
Your Majesty?

I'm dying here.

Who are you?

Charles Xavier's twin,
Cassandra Nova.

- Bullshit.
- Must've been an anal birth.

You two are cute.

I have a good
feeling about this.

And I've been trying to
catch this little firefly...

for years, haven't I, Johnny?

You picked the wrong
time to make new friends.

Oh, Johnny told us all about you.

Maybe shut up now.

- Yeah, maybe don't
- We were just talking here.

Yeah, Johnny told us you're a
psychotic, megalomaniacal asshole.

His word's not mine.
Hell bent, on domination and pain.

- You said all that about me.
- No, no!

I didn't say any of that!

Get some stones, Johnny!

I'll let her intimidate you.

Like you said in the convoy.

This finger-licking, dead inside,

pixie slab of third-rate
dime store nut milk

can eat your delicious cinnamon ring
and kick rocks all the way to bald-hell.

I have never said any of those
words in my entire life!

The modesty!

People think I'm a shit-talker,
but this guy... next level.

What?

I don't even know what
half of that means!

My hat's off to you, sir, truly.

I didn't... he's...
that's... I, I, I don't...

Not my favorite Chris.

You stupid piece of shit, you
just got him fucking killed!

Hey, we're all grieving!

PS, do you know what he
was doing to the budget?

Alioth is hungry.

There's been some
kind of mistake.

Big Yellow is a
backup anchor-being,

and I'm Marvel Jesus,
MJ if you're nasty.

This may be hard to hear,
but there's another British villain.

He's gonna destroy my
universe, and I'm gonna stop him.

Oh, honey, you don't really strike
me as a world-saving type.

Did I hit a nerve?

I didn't want it to come to this.

Either you help us, or my friend
here is gonna sing the entire

second act of "Music Man",
with zero warmup.

Where'd you get the chair?

Once in a while, I do get
a Charles through here.

Nevermind, though, no.

He didn't care to find me.

Ah, Gen-Z, and their
trauma-bragging!

Can't you just stuff it down,
turn it into accomplishment

or cancer like the rest of us?

But I'm not like the rest of you...
Except maybe the Wolverine.

Now we could be truly
terrifying together.

You're that scary, huh?

The TVA certainly thought so.
They sent me here before I could walk.

And you know, it's the best thing
that ever happened to me.

I love it here.

You live in a garbage dump.

I think we both know who
lives in the garbage dump.

The void is a paradise.

I can wield my power
here without shame.

Unfortunately, I had no Chales Xavier
to teach me temperance.

What about your Charles?

Did he protect you?

Did he make you feel safe?

We're mutants, we're never safe.

I don't want the smoke.
I don't have any beef with you.

I just want to save my friends.
I just, I want to go home.

- Well, the thing is, I could get you home.
- Good.

But I don't want to.

Not good.

What do you want, Wade Wilson?

Uh, your fingers are inside me,
but not in a good way.

My brother could enter
one's mind with a thought.

I have to get my hands dirty.

Oh, gosh.

I've got you.

I've got you.

You're not here.

- I'm right here.
- No, you're not, I can't.

I'm right here.

Then show me you
gotta do something.

Show you what?

Show me you care about
something bigger than you.

Ever since they turned

you down, you took a knee.

Baby, you never got back up.

I know you're going
through something.

Let me go through it with you.

- Your crazy matches...
- My crazy...

Where'd you go?

Oh my God.

You just say it, okay?

Say, "I don't want you...

I don't want to be with you."

Go ahead, say it, say it, say it, say it.

You don't want to be with me.
Tell me that and I'll walk away.

Say, "I don't want you."

You'll never fucking matter.

What?

You'll never fucking matter.

You'll

never

fucking

matter.

She never said that.

No, but I bet she thought it.

You are so mean!

My brain could taste your fingers
and they tasted like hate.

And we're in God's where's
the intimacy coordinator?

You're so lost, Mr. Wilson.

Long before you came here.

This is Baby Knife, she's
gonna fuck you in the face now.

If you want to kill me, it's going
to take more than a little bit.

How about six?

Ah, my boy, quick and strong.

That's my big boy!
Yes you are!

Well, this has been fun,

but the big guy needs to
eat and the rent is due.

By the way, you're the rent.

- Coming or what?
- Coming!

What you thinking about?

Get the fuck off of me.

Shh, shh.

Almost done.

Almost done what?

- Getting my knife out of your buttocks.
- Ah, fuck!

Go, get your mind
out of my pants.

I'm telling Blake.

New rules.

I talk now.

That's gonna be very
hard on the audience.

Shut the fuck up!

Let me fucking think.

We gotta get back
to paradox, right?

Right?

"Je m'excuse"...
Am I allowed to speak now or...

Just nod, asshole.

Right.

Then we find the Others that poor kid Johnny
was talking about before you got him killed.

Poor kid!? He's like 50!

If there's a chance they
know how to get out of here,

we find him and make those TVA fuckers
fix my shit like you fucking promised.

I smell Quest.

I smell food.

So what made you finally
wear an honest to God costume?

Mine's red so they
can't see me bleed.

But I can see how
yellow would be useful too.

Have you been checked for ADHD?

But I've had several STDs, which
were probably caused by ADHD.

What are you looking for?

Oh, fuck. Fuck.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's rubbing alcohol.
You don't wanna drink...

Yeah, there you go.
Fuck that liver.

Okay.

What the fuck are those?

Back in civilian life I wear a toupee.
But nobody knows.

Everybody knows.

Wanna talk about what's haunting you

or should we wait for
a third act flashback?

Go fuck yourself.

You know,

in my world, you're... well regarded.

Yeah, well, not in mine.

They don't like me
much in mine either.

You don't say.

I want it to be something.

You know, I've...
Shit, I wanted to be an Avenger.

Fuck the Avengers.

I didn't make the cut though.
Same with the X-Men.

- My girlfriend left me like this.
- You had a girlfriend?

Yeah.

Vanessa, when we met,
she was a dancer.

I mean, we had a whole life...
It was good.

But oh boy, I just...
fuck that right up.

But you, you were an X-Men.

Fuck that, you were the X-Men.

The Wolverine

He's a hero in that world.

Yeah, well... he ain't shit in mine.

You said Logan was a hero,
what happened?

He died.

How?

Well, technically you were
chest fucked by a tree,

but really he just ran out of batteries
trying to save someone.

Who?

The shit heels that grew
in a lab called her X-23.

But she was just a kid.

A younger, daintier,
somehow meaner version of you.

He died trying to save her.

It was beautiful.

Look, "mijo", I know you're hurt.

My blind, elderly
African-American roommate,

Blind Al, always says that
pain teaches us who we are.

Sometimes we need to listen to that
pain instead of running from it.

- Holy shit.
- Yeah, she's wise.

No, no, that's her
name, you call her Blind Al.

Well, she's blind.

Look at you.

She's coming with us.

No, she's not.

Oh, yes, she is.

- Fuck no.
- Oh, yes

Sorry about that.

Come here, girl.

Who are you?

I'm Deadpool.

And I guess you're Deadpool too.

But in here, everybody
calls me Nicepool.

Oh my goodness, wait until you
see Ladypool. She is gorgeous!

She just had a baby too
and... can't even tell.

I don't think you're
supposed to say that.

That's okay.

- I identify as a feminist.
- Right.

Are those gold-plated, 50 caliber
Desert Eagle Pistoleros?

Of course...
To match my ear huggy.

Can I have them?

Over my dead body.

You're fun.

And I guess you've
already met Mary Puppins.

AKA Dogpool.

Be careful where you put your hand. She's
90% G-Spot, and she'll let you know it.

You let this little flirt out of
your sight for one second

and she starts shopping
for a new papa.

If you can't be a
responsible pet owner,

then maybe you don't
deserve this little unicorn.

Guilty on all charges, your honor.

Shan't happen again.

Why are you so nice?

It costs nothing to be kind.

- Shutting the fuck up is also free.
- "Caliente".

This is Logan.

He's usually shirtless, but he's
let himself go since the divorce.

Where's your mask?

Come on, guys.

Oh, this guy.

We're looking for
a group of survivors.

Oh, they're out there.

But Merk to Merk, you better hope that
you don't run into the Deadpool core.

Yeah, they're crazy. They will chop you up into
a thousand pieces and hide you all over the void.

If they could only process their childhood trauma,
they'd go on one heck of a healing journey.

Look, we're headed for the Borderlands.
You know where it is?

Borderlands, yeah, that's 12 clicks...

do West. I can lend
you my ride if you like.

It would be my honor.

Oh, no, no, no, no,

no, no, absolutely not.

Uh-uh, what the?

No, no.

- Just get in the car.
- This isn't a car.

This is a Honda fucking Odyssey.

Throttle response sucks a cock.

Dated infotainment system.

When Honda saw that untreated
chlamydia was making a comeback,

they invented the
Honda Odyssey... to compete.

Get in the fucking car.

She'll get you there
safe and sound.

Ol' Betsy always does.

You're gonna have to
give him a dog back though.

I know, listen.
Yes child.

If you ever wanna give her up,
or if she needs a new home,

or if something should happen to you,
I'd love to be her papa.

What would ever happen to me?

Lots of stuff.

No, we're running away.

Don't, the corn was too dense, girl.

Fuck!

Okay, I'm just gonna ask.

What's with the suit?

First thing I did when I flamed out,
I took mine off.

- Drop it.
- It's not that ugly.

- Stop talking about my sui...
- Did you make it yourself?

- Been there.
- Quit now.

The X-Men make you wear it?
Those sons of fucking bitches.

They are not your friends,
I'll tell you that.

Friends don't let friends
leave the house looking

like they fight crime for
the Los Angeles Rams.

Shut the fuck up about the suit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Watch your frown lines, angel baby.
I'm just trying to bond a little bit.

Yeah, well then talk
about something else.

Fine.

Stop it.

If they can fix your world.

What's the first thing you're gonna
do when you get out of here?

Some rubbing-alcohol shots?
Maybe a wiper-fluid chaser?

What did you say?

So when you get back,

- what's the first thing you're gonna do?
- No, no, no, before that.

If they can fix your world?

- What do you mean "if"?
- I mean...

You lied to me.

You don't have a fucking clue if
they can help me fix things, do you?

No, I mean...
No, fuck!

Fuck!

- I didn't lie.
- You lied.

No, I made an educated wish.

Because I need you.

This, this is why.

Right here.

Because if we don't
do something, they die.

I don't know anything
about saving worlds.

And why would I even care?

Because my entire world is
right here in this picture.

It's only nine people, and I have
no idea how to save it alone.

I know how to fuck
people up for money,

but you, you, know
how to save them.

At least the other Wolverine did.

Oh, fuck!

I guess I'm stuck
with the worst one.

Did you say you made an

educated fucking wish?

They call me the
Merc with the Mouth.

They don't call me Truthful Timmy,
the blow job queen of Saskatoon.

One more word.

Please give me one.

Gubernatorial.

You know what?
You're a fucking joke.

No wonder the Avengers
didn't take you.

Or the X-Men... and
they'll take fuckin' anyone!

I mean, you are a

ridiculous, immature, half-wit moron.

I have never met

a sadder, more
attention-starved,

jabbering little prick
in my entire life.

And that says a lot,

because I've been alive
for more than 200 fucking years.

I'll tell ya, that bald chick
was right about one thing.

You will never save the world.

You couldn't even save a relationship
with a goddamn stripper.

Motherfucker, I wish I could
say you'll die alone,

but it's one of God's best jokes that
you can't die, except that's on all of us.

You got nothing to say, 'Mouth?

I'm gonna fight you now.

How are you?

Not talkin' now, are you?

You dirty bitch!

No, no, no.

I take it all back,
the Honda Odyssey fucks hard.

Too bad you don't, needle dick.

Oh, we're just getting started, bub.

Thor!

Where are we?

No clue, but I like it here.

Okay, look at you... all.

You must be the Others.

Terrific.

So just to refresh,
you are one...

- Elektra.
- Elektra, yes.

Who could forget?

And you, I was not
expecting to see you here,

thought you were...
you know, retired.

Retarded?

Retired.

I'm already in the void.
I'm not trying to get canceled again.

- I don't like you.
- You never did.

And who's this succulent
reminder of my own inadequacies?

Look at you. You look like the
superhero version of Hawkeye.

The name's Remy LeBeau.

"Le Diable Blanc",
but you can call me the Gambit.

It's been a while since I've seen
Sling Blade hit me again.

They call me the Gambit.

Do they?

Are you sure you didn't just really, really
want them to, but it never quite worked out?

You know, we never had
a Wolverine up in here.

But I can tell you now, it's just
a common courtesy to ask

before you drink up all of my liquor.

It's a good thing
I don't give a fuck.

So embarrassing.

Well, now that that's settled,
look, we came a long

way to find you three.

- There's four of us.
- There's four?

Wait, is it Magneto?

Dear sweet God in
heaven, let it be Magneto,

because with him, - He's dead
Fuck!

Now Disney gets cheap?

It's like Pinocchio

jammed his face in my ass
and started lying like crazy.

Not a single word...
what do you do exactly?

Charge the playing cards.

Make them go boom.

Your power is close-up
magic, that's good.

We're not totally fucked at all.

Who brought us here?

That would be me.

Don't make me regret it.

Holy shit, Logan, that's her,
that's X-23.

She's the one I told you about.

How did you all
get stuck in the void?

There was a knock at the door,

TVA sent me here.

Me too.

Maybe I was born here, so
it's hard to know for sure.

TVA decided our universe was dying,

and I never even got a
chance to fight for it.

People like us don't go quietly.

TVA knows that,
so they took us out.

The answer is yes, I'm in.

In what?

A team.

Me, you, you and me,
all of us together.

Let's get the
fuck out of this place.

- Don't listen to him. He's a fucking liar.
- It was an educated wish!

Look!

We've been inside Cassandra's lair.

The only way out of
the void is through her.

She can get us home.

She told us.

Wait a minute, you've been inside?
And you made it out alive?

Bullshit.
Nobody's ever done that.

- We did.
- Every time one of us...

has gone up
against her, they die.

The Punisher,

the Quicksilver, the Daredevil.

- Daredevil, I'm so sorry.
- It's fine.

Okay.

Even that sweet baby angel,
Johnny Storm,

he up and going missing
like, what, two days ago?

Ah, that's so sad.

Whoever this Johnny feller is,
I'm sure he's thriving.

Look, there's strength
in numbers, all right?

Us, plus you guys, we can
put Cassandra over our knee

and force her to
let us out of the void.

I know what it means
to feel self-doubt.

- I don't feel that at all.
- I'm good.

Gnawing a your gut like
a coked up tape-worm.

It's like you're holding
up a mirror to my soul.

You guys may not have been
able to save your universes,

but you can avenge them.
It's what Johnny would have wanted.

Wait, you knew Johnny?

Oh yeah.

Dick head here,
talked him into a team-up.

And Johnny came down with
a little case of "the deads".

No, no, no, no, we don't know that.

It was just a flesh wound.

He may have survived.

If he survived that,

- he is praying for death.
- Thank you, Dr. Wolverine.

Spill-it!

What you do to Johnny, huh?
Talk, or I'm gonna start dealing.

Okay, okay, hey, hey, hey.

Okay, he ran his fat-ass
mouth about Cassandra,

and she zip-zapped his skin,

leaving his organs to splash crudely onto the
ground, while the soil greedily drank his blood.

It was horrible.
He was like a brother to me.

Look, he died before he
could make a difference,

but maybe you couldn't save your world,
but Jesus Christ, you could save mine.

I don't give a shit about your world,

but if these two made
it out of there alive,

maybe together, we could
get back in and take her down.

Where I come from...
We call that suicide, "chère".

If we can block her psychic
powers, we can get a leg up.

I know it.

Now, I know Magneto's dead,

but I venture a guess that his helmet
is lying around here somewhere.

- Cassandra melted a helmet.
- Fuck!

- After did she killed him.
- Fuuuck!

She don't play.

She knows that helmet
was the only way

to protect anyone
from her powers.

The only other helmet
that strong is Juggernaut's,

but he works for Cassandra.

- Juggernauts helmet, that's it.
- And we know that lid...

ain't coming off without
'dat dong come off wid'it.

I'm so sorry, beautiful,
I want this to be gentle.

Who is your dialect coach?

The minions?

I feel like we're missing
critical exposition here.

I'm sick of this shit.
I'm sick of hiding.

Let's face it,
our worlds forgot about us.

Or never learned about us.

The heroes we were.

- Lives we saved.
- Or wanted to save.

Maybe these two are our chance,

to be remembered
the way we deserve.

Yes.

An ending

Legacy.

Yes, yes, let this man cook.

This is what I'm talking about.

Big slow-motion fight, sad music,
everybody working together.

Who knows if you live or die,
that sort of thing.

Who's ready?

I was born ready.

Yes, Gambit?

I ain't know my daddy,

but I'm sure I shot out
of his dick ready.

Jesus Christ, that is graphic.

Yeah, he was laying dem buttery
nuts all up in my mamma

and I shot out up there and
I said, "What's up, doc?"

Johnny must've loved you.

X-23, what's it gonna be?

The name's Laura.

Let's fucking go.

Let's fucking go.

So, let's kick it and go.

Yeah, we're doing this.

You're all fucking dead.

My god, read the room.

I'm not looking for company.

Get out of here.

You remind me of him...
Angry, drunk, mean.

- Sounds like a great guy.
- I wasn't finished.

Showed up when it
mattered the most.

Couldn't help it.

You might not know it,
but you're a good man, Logan.

You might not know it,
but apparently I'm the worst Logan.

I got to have a life because of you.

I got to grow up because of you.

A lot of kids did.

A lot of kids didn't
grow up because of me.

Trust me, kid, I'm no hero.

That suit says different.

Yeah, you like it?

Scott used to beg me to wear it.

So did Jean, Storm, Beast.

All of them.

Wanted me to be
part of the team.

Told them they all
looked fucking ridiculous.

I couldn't have them
thinking I wanted to be there.

And then one day, while I was off
on my own, the humans came.

And went mutant hunting.

I can guess the rest.

No, no, let me.

Let me say it.

I need to say it.

By the time I stumbled home
shit-faced from the bar, it was too late.

They were dead, every...

This suit's all I got to
remind me of who they were.

And what I did.

We're headed to
Cassandra's at sun up.

Have fun, not my fight.

We won't pull this off
without you.

Hey, whoever you think I am,
you got the wrong guy.

You were always the wrong guy.

What?

Alioth didn't get them.

Cassandra wanted to play
with them herself first.

They got away.

- Did they find the Others?
- No.

- Good, all right.
- The Others found them.

Oh, very cute, well done, Pyro.

Classic bait-and-switch,
you really got me there.

Relax.

If they come after Nova,
she'll handle it.

Cassandra is a lunatic wild card.

Why do you think we put
her there in the first place?

Thank God she's never
chosen to leave the void.

The time-ripper is hours
away from completion.

I cannot take any chances.

Maybe not, but I can.

For a price.

Why do you have to
say it, in that silly voice?

It's so icky.

You want it done or not?

All right, your price.
Take her out.

Mutants.

Look at that, yeah.

See them big ole
hands come closing?

I don' wan' to end up inside dat?

What Gambit's trying to say is

getting Juggernaut's helmet
ain't gonna be easy.

I'm just making stuff up with this.
Yeah, tilt up to Blade.

Where do you get
that little beauty?

That's Punisher's 18-4.

Which Punisher?

There's been like five of them.

There's only been one Blade.

There's only ever
gonna be one Blade.

Oh, this is gonna be good.

You know how long I've
been waiting for this?

Whoo, I'm about to make
a name for myself here.

I don't think you guys
walk away from this.

You just make sure people know
what happened here today.

When you get out of here,
you have a drink for me, yeah?

You just stay on our six,
get inside.

We'll make sure you
get the package.

And we'll get our ending.

Some motherfucker's still
trying to ice skate up here.

You two escaping
I could live with,

but coming back, willingly.

Boys are so silly.

I just need to get home.

Well, that's not on
the menu, I'm afraid.

It's death or enslavement.
"à la carte", of course.

Upsy daisy!

Finally, it's nice to give
someone else a chance to talk.

Not my strong suit.

Shouldn't have done dat.

Adios, pendejo.

You are an interesting one,
aren't you?

I do feel like you get
lost behind all of this.

Deadpools are a dime a
dozen here in the void.

But you, what's
going on in here?

Interesting.

Not what I expected back here.

Behind the anger.

You're hiding... from them,

from all the ones you let down.

So much pain.

I walked away.

They called after me
and I walked away.

I always do.

I know.

That's not all you did, is it?

You found them, the X-Men.

Dead.

What did you do?

I started killing...
and I couldn't stop.

I didn't want to stop.

All those bad men.

It's not just the bad ones.

My little animal.

I turned the whole
world against the X-Men.

Just once...

I want to be the man
that Charles thought I was.

Logan, in the void you
can be, what you are.

I just want to be free.

I can set you free.

I can silence all those voices.

I've got you.

I've got you.

No...

I got you.

Get... It... Off!

You're gonna send us home or
I'm gonna twist your fucking head off.

Why are you laughing?

I can't send you unless you

get this thing off my head.

And as soon as you do that,

I'm going to boil your
brains on an atomic level

whilst flicking my bean
to the Enya box set.

There's an Enya box set?

Either you kill me or I kill you.

Both wonderful options.

You want me to do it?

No, I'll do it.

I have her neck right here,
it's really no problem.

You'll screw it up.

Oh come on, Mr. PG-13
except the last one.

What the fuck?

No, no, no.

You have no idea what it's like.

Day after day, shovel the shit.

Fetch the meats.

I have spent my entire...

Not everyone gets a speech.

She's gonna die.

Okay, hey, hey.
If I take this helmet off,

you promise you won't kill us.

I promise I will kill you first.

Why are you like this?

I wish I knew.

Take it off.

- What?
- Take it off.

- Why?
- Just take it off.

This is our only
chance to fix our shit.

Take it off!

I am wearing a suit.

And that means a lot of things,

but most of all,
it means I'm an X-Man.

And I know your brother.

As much as I wanna
fucking kill you,

every bone in my body
wants to fucking kill you.

He would not let me stand
here and watch you die.

Take your hands off.

This is for him.

This is for Charles.

Don't you dare
do me like Johnny.

My brother loved you.

He loved all of us?

Hmm. Must be nice.

He would have loved you too.

If he knew about you,

if he knew where you were,
he would have torn a

hole in the fucking universe
to bring you home.

This is home.

At least let us save his.

You wanna hear something crazy?

An a mature magician rolled
through here a while back.

I killed him, of course,

wore his skin around
for four days.

But I found this little trinket
on his lovely fingers.

Strange...

Marvel sparkle circle.

- What is that?
- This is your way home.

I do owe you for saving my life,
but let's keep things interesting.

I'd say you have about four seconds
before you're Alioth's food.

Race you.

You got a standard three year

bumper-to-bumper warranty.

Glad you gave us a second chance.

And don't worry,
Wade and I are a team,

so I'll see he gets
half the comi...

That feels like a Kia

It's that kid's car, wasn't it?

Holy shit, that's Deadpool.

That's Wolverine.

You damn straight it is.

Fox killed him.
Disney brought him back.

They're gonna make him
do this till he's 90.

Let's go.

- I'll clock you out.
- Forever.

Forever.

Wakey wakey.

God.

Now you put all these
bullets in my belly

and I'm gonna find out why.

Whoa, whoa!

I'll just say it!

You don't have to
stick your fingers in me.

Jesus, just ask sometimes.

Fine.

Really?

Hands in pockets.

A guy named Paradox.

He said he'd get me
out of the void.

All I know is he
works for the TVA.

The TVA?
We had an agreement.

I don't think this guy cares.

Huh, he will.

Hey people, how much longer
before the time-ripper is active?

We're running the
final safety checks.

Oh, okay, all right, thanks for all
your hard work, Ralph, tip-top!

Really?

No, you drooling boob.
No, we have company,

cancel the safety checks.

We need to be live now.

Oh, I hate you so much!

No, stop, piss off,
you're too late.

You're fucking done.

- Why was Thor crying?
- How dare you?

No one comes back from the void.

Tell that to Cassandra Nova.

Paradox, we have a problem.

Paradox?

Well, you are dourier than
you looked in Pyro's head,

you tried to kill me.

I literally have no idea.

You come for the king,
you better kill the king.

Oh, welcome to the
skull fuck club, Paradox.

You know she doesn't
wash that hand.

Oh, what's this?

A time-ripper?
Naughty boy.

Oh no, we're on it,
we're gonna head down

and dismantle that thing now.

We got you, boo, you just
keep playing those keys.

I don't want to destroy it.

I want to use it.

Now shoo, mommy and daddy
are having a conversation.

You know, the funny thing is...

I was happy in the void.

You sent no trash to me,
Alioth and I cleaned it up.

Everyone was happy.

And you had to go and
piss on my side of the fence.

And so now the fence
must come down.

I'm going to use
your little time-ripper

and I'm going to
destroy this universe

and the next and
the next and the next

until all that's left is the void.

And I get to play God.

Come on.

Now, who are going to
show me how to use

this fancy gadget of yours

Don't worry, I've called some friends
to make sure we're not disturbed.

Sorry to bother, madam,
but there's something you need to see.

We're getting indications of
an unsanctioned time-ripper

activating on Earth 10005.

- Whose district is that?
- Paradox.

Thank you so much
for your help, darling.

God, good to get
out of that head.

What a mess.

Stop.

Let's give it a beat
for the extras to clear.

Go, go, go, go.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Come on, girl.

Come on, girl.

That's my girl, we don't have
to be apart ever, ever again.

Never, ever again.

- Sorry.
- Fuck!

What's cafe gratitude doing here?

Sorry about that.

Tremble not, sweet Mary Puppins.
I'll handle him...

Come here, girl.
Papa is here.

Hey, do not insult
this animal's autonomy.

She can decide who her papa is.

What's it gonna be, girl, huh?

Original recipe?
Or "Van Milder" here?

Oh, it's funny.

I can gently tap
the fourth wall too.

The proposal.

The fuck was that?

Bitch, you think
that's what I do?

Both of you, shut up.

- You smell something?
- Yeah, you.

A lot of you.

I told you there were a lot
of Deadpools over there.

That's bad.

I take it they're not friendly.

Goodness, no.

Sorry about this, boys.

Mission over.

Cause of death, 100.
Kill thirsty Deadpools.

They're dumb,
but they can fight.

Not me though.
I'd love to get in the mix,

but I have low bone density
and I have to keep my face safe.

Hold please.

Oh, God.

All right, look.

Guys!

Deadpool Prime here.

Our fight isn't with you.

Hey, when I want your opinion,

I'll take Wolverine's
dick out of your mouth.

That's Kidpool,
she's the dirtiest.

- Can we just be done?
- Ooh, we're just getting started.

No, no, no, no, no.

With the whole multiverse thing.

It's not great.

It's just been miss
after miss after miss.

Wizard of Oz did the multiverse
first and they did it best.

The gays knew it,
but we didn't listen.

Let's just take the I and move on.

I think it's been steadily
great since Endgame.

What are you talking about?
The multiverse is over.

Cassandy's gonna destroy
the fuck out of every timelime.

Y'all can't do shit about it.

Do you not get it?

If we don't get down to the
subway, and stop her or we all die.

Say the boss lady don't
want no disturbance.

You wanna get down
to the subway?

You gotta go through us!

Uzi time, baby.

Uzi time, baby.

Look alive.

I think I'm hit.

No shit?!
You did that on purpose!

I did no such thing!

Listen to me, gorgeous.

How long does it take
for you to regenerate?

Regenerate?

You really are God's
perfect idiot, aren't you?

I'm okay.

How dare you, you
insensitive son of a bitch.

How was I supposed to
know he doesn't regenerate?

I'm not a medicine woman.

Look, a donut cart.
They're practically hospitals.

- They sell portable triage units.
- They don't.

- I'm gonna get you to safety.
- He's not.

Deep breath.

Hey, why are we stopping?

Just catching my breath.
Are your legs on vacation?

You're dead weight.

Just because I'm paralyzed.

We all have problems.
Listen to me.

You're gonna live.

Look at me, Nicepool.

You're gonna live.

Say it.

I'm gonna live.

Say it with me.

You're gonna live.

I'm gonna live.

Ha ha.

Say it louder!

I'm gonna live.

Hold your fire.

Sweet little puppy.

I don't think he's
gonna make it.

God, he loved his face.

I could taste his final thought.

He was so afraid.

But he died a hero.

He died from murder,
you dumb fuck.

All I have to remember him by

are these two gold-plated,

50 caliber desert eagle
pistoleros.

This is for him.
Are you ready?

I get to kill 100 yous?
Fuck yeah, I'm ready.

- You don't wanna see this, bub.
- That's a good girl.

Holy shit.

You saved the good
stuff for special occasions?

Killing mostly.

What's the wind resistance
on those blow job handles?

Sorry, I'm just a catty bitch
when I'm jealous!

All right, let's do this.
Maximum effort.

Mother fucker!

I wish I was deaf!

Come on, I blew it.

After all that, the only thing

you're gonna remember is

that god-awful dismount.

What are you laughing at,
little fucker?

Uh-oh.

I guess these ones regenerate.

Come on, we don't
have time for this!

Deadpools, stand down!

This Deadpool is with me.

Oh no.

Holy shit.

That's fucking Peter.

Wait, you guys know Peter?

Are you kidding me?
Every Deadpool has a Peter.

Shit, Peter's a god damn legend
in every Deadpool's world.

Peter-san, hay!

Enjoy my Peter!

Oh, now you're here.

- Oh well, you're too late, it's all over.
- Not yet, it's not.

No, no, no, no,
but we're very close.

Homestretch, folks, promise.

Quick, let's have the stakes.

If she steals the
time-ripper's energy,

she has the power to shred
the fabric of all the realities

until there is nothing
left but the void.

- How do we shut it down?
- I don't know.

How about now?

The mask is really
intimidating, huh?

It's like Batman except
he can move his neck.

Okay, look, look, look, look, look.

The Ripper is fed from a
secure chamber below ground.

It is powered by twin
matter and antimatter feeds

converging inside the device.

Now Cassandra Nova is
redirecting the Ripper's power

to eliminate all timelines,
starting with this one.

Theoretically, you could stop her

by short circuiting the
feeds in the chamber below.

One of you would create a
circuit between the two feeds,

then the released power
would destroy the machine.

- But, well...
- Come on, man!

If you're not gonna
swallow, spit it out.

Whoever formed the
bridge would be annihilated.

I could live with that.

I could live with that too, actually...

we survive anything.
We're like cockroaches.

Not this time.

This is matter and antimatter.

They do not play nicely
with each other.

When they mix in your
body, you will be atomized.

Trust the laws of physics
if you don't trust me.

Even if you lived long
enough to make the circuit,

You will die down there.

Hold up, hold up.

You heard that asshole upstairs.

Even if we pull this off,
we're dead, permanently.

- That's why it's gotta be me.
- What?

Look, man, you didn't
ask for any of this.

You were right.

I lied.

I lied right to your face.

Just to get you to help me, you did.

You didn't lie.

You made an educated wish.

Come on.

You got a whole
world to go back to.

I got nothing.

I got nothing.

Give me this.

Hey.

I waited a long time
for this team-up.

You know something?

You're the best Wolverine.

Say hi to your friends for me.

Open the door.

I can't hear you over
all the noble sacrifice.

Why are you fucking doing this?

Because I'm Marvel Jesus.

Or Spock.

Hard to say.

Hey!

You're fucking idiot!

Sorry, I'm just stalling.

I think I'm nervous about dying.

This should be me.

Say hi to my friends for me, Peanut.

Wade?

You wanna be an annoying prick?

You're just sorry.

You're gonna die again, you dumb fuck!

Hey, you don't need to do this.

I'm not doing it because I need it.

I'm doing it because they do.

No!

No!

He's not gonna make it.

It's over.

The Wolverine is
a hero in my world.

Whoever you think I am,
you got the wrong guy.

You were always the wrong guy.

Till you weren't.

Wade.

Wade, you can finally,
finally, matter.

Vanessa.

I wanna see Vanessa.

For the first time in
my life, I'm proud...

to wear this suit.

It means I'm an X-Men.

I am The X-Man.

Paradox!

You've been busy.

Well, somebody had to be.

We had some strange
readings from this location.

You wouldn't know anything

about an unsanctioned
time-ripper, would you?

No, no, I wouldn't know anything

about an unsanctioned time-ripper.

Maybe you should
ask Cassandra Nova,

because I was assured that
she was safely held in the void.

But no, she was here
and she fondled my brain.

- How did she let this happen?
- You weren't involved at all?

In stopping her, yes, yes, I was.

But not nearly enough.

Not as much as the men who
went down there after her.

My men, my friends...

I warned them, but they would be

completely obliterated if they went,
but they went anyway, like...

like heroes.

Because that's who they were.

They just did what they had to do.

With no concern for
their own safety.

The fact that we are
all still standing here

is a testament to their heroism.

Anyway, there's nothing you nor
I can do to bring them back now.

- He has risen, baby girl!
- Fuck!

Found your new anchor-being.

And we're doing just
fine you piece of shit.

Fine indeed.

All right, put your greasy
tits away, you preening slut.

I don't understand.
How are you two still alive?

You're right, one of us
would have been killed.

But you put a Deadpool
and a Wolverine together,

make them hold hands
while listening to Madonna?

Indestructible motherfucker!

Let's get this Deadpool
variant back to the void.

Wait, hold on, what?

Nope, actually,
this one's homegrown.

Like me, he belongs here.

And you are?

Peterpool.
But you can call me Peter.

And I hope that you do.

What the fuck is happening here?

You are under judgment

for operating an
unsanctioned time-ripper.

Take him.

I was just doing what you
don't have the guts to do.

Get off, get off, your
filthy hands off me!

I'm grateful, gentlemen.

Let's hold the bows.

You led an Omega level
mutant to this timeline.

You're welcome.

And you shouldn't even
be near this timeline.

He's welcome.

And you look
damn good in that suit.

I'm so sorry.

I wanna show you something.

Something huge.

That's what Scoutmaster
Kevin used to say.

Do you see that?

Your universe is regenerating.

Whatever you did here,
you not only saved your world,

you spared your timeline
from extinction.

I'd rest up.

I have a feeling your work
is only just getting started.

Till you're 90.

Wait!

We couldn't have
made it out of the void

without some help
from some people

that the world kinda forgot.

Is there any way that
you could maybe find a way

to bring them home?

I'll see what I can do.

And I promised my friend here
that the TVA could undo

some pretty awful
shit in his timeline.

What would you say to that?

Change the past?

He did help me save the world.

And his past made him
the man who did it.

There's nothing to fix, Mr. Wilson.

Logan.

- Shawarma?
- I could eat.

You know the Avengers
discovered Shawarma.

They'd be lucky to have you.

Fuck off!

Come here my little cuntchkin,

Yes that's you, you're a survivor!

All is right in the world.

Yes it is.

So what are you gonna do next?

I'll figure it out.
I always do.

Alright.

I'll probably see you around?

Probably not.

See you, bub.

Logan!

Al, I'm back.

About damn time, you holdin'?

I'm all out of devil's dandruff

and I'm shaking like
an angry vibrator.

Thank you, Al.

We have company.

Althea, this is Logan.

Nice to meet you, Logan.

Nice to meet you too.

And this little ancient,
anal shit-knot is Mary Puppins.

Or as I like to call her, Dogpool.

You wanna treat
yourself to a little stroke?

Get the tongue.

Oh my God, motherfucker!

Right... it's like an
armadillo fucked a gremlin,

angrily, in a bed of gonorrhea,
and didn't stop till the sun came up.

Everyone wants to matter.

Turns out that you don't need
to be Marvel Jesus to do it.

You just need to open your
eyes and look around.

And if you're lucky,
you'll find a few friends.

Old friends and some
new ones too.

Give me the fucking
dog, talk to the girl.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

You've been busy.

I did it for you.

If you don't want me,
I did it for you.

Turns out...
I am the world's saving type.

Just look around this
table if you want proof.

The best part?

Sometimes the people we save...

well, they save us right back.

You are not the only one with gifts.

What is this place?

Nice suit!

Listen Stan Lee!

I really like the art

in the Deadpool comics.

You know, I just always

felt kind of a kinship to him.

I like to play that guy someday.

I was there for three weeks

before I shot a single thing.

For that first day of

shooting, I was so nervous, man.

Everyone was sort of

going, "Who's this guy?"

You know, there was a lot of that.

You know, he was going to deliver

and you can feel all

that kind of pressure.

Always the suit's fault.

Never the actor.

- This is...
- The only way.

Oh, this is what it feels like.

And there's the lights.

Medical research.

Bye, video.

Bye.

I'm tired of these
absolutely vile rumors

that I got Johnny killed.

Let's look at the tape.

In the void, you're
either food for Alioth

or you work for her.

Go on, Johnny.

And I'll tell you who her is.

Cassandra Nova, a

megalomaniacal
psychotic asshole.

A finger-licking
dead-inside pixie slab

at third rate dime
store nut-milk.

- And I'll tell you what she can do.
- I'm listening.

She can lick my goddamn
cinnamon ring clean

and kick rocks all the
way to bald hell.

In fact, I don't give a shit
if she removes all my skin

and pops me like some
nightmarish blood balloon.

If the last thing I do
with this, God forsaken,

cum-gutter existence,
is light that fuck box on

fire I still won't die happy.

Holy shit, girl, you crazy!

That's right, Wade.

I won't be happy until I've urinated
on a freshly barbecued corpse

and husk-fuck that charred remains
while gargling Juggernauts jugger-nuts.

Wow.

And you can quote me.

Okay.

Gotcha, fuck face.