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1
00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:04,560
CHILDREN CHATTER
2
00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:15,880
You need to think very carefully
about where you take your kids.
3
00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:18,800
The soft play in town, for example,
is absolutely disgusting.
4
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,520
How disgusting?
5
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:23,840
I once found a very small,
very dead octopus in the ball pit.
6
00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:26,160
Jesus! Whereas this place...
7
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,280
..full of rich wankers
and their rich wanker kids.
8
00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:32,560
Hah! Limp twat doesn't stand
a chance against my two.
9
00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,640
Hey. You can't talk about
someone else's child like that.
10
00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:38,520
Even if they are dressed like
a member of the Hitler Youth.
11
00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:41,600
Excuse me. Your children
are throwing things at Berty.
12
00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,600
Aww, poor Berty.
13
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,480
No, Berty's my son.
14
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:46,920
Oh.
15
00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,800
And now they've tricked him
into eating Play-Doh!
16
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:51,120
That is a criminal offence.
17
00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:52,640
Oh... I don't think it is, actually.
18
00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:55,320
So sod off back to Waitrose, yeah?
Everything OK?
19
00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,080
Ben?
20
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:04,520
Shit.
21
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,120
You know her, Ben?
22
00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:12,120
Yep. Er, we know each other
through work.
23
00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:15,920
Yes! Gemma was involved in
the takeover.
24
00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:19,440
I don't recall you being mentioned.
What was your role?
25
00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:21,520
I was the getaway driver.
26
00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:22,560
HE LAUGHS
27
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:25,640
Er, Gemma was partnered
with Sebastian Ford.
28
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:27,920
Oh. You worked with Seb?
29
00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:31,320
Well, that must have been
so difficult for you.
30
00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:32,680
Oof. Well, let me tell you...
31
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,240
Gemma, it has been so great
to see you again.
32
00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:36,120
CHILD: Mummy!
Oh, excuse me, please.
33
00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:37,960
Darling, what's happened?
34
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,200
Yeah, it's great to see you too,
Ben.
35
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,600
It's been what, eight months?
36
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:51,920
Holy shit!
37
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:53,760
We should exchange contact details.
38
00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:55,640
No, we really don't have to.
39
00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:59,720
For God's sake, Ben.
He's covered in juice, again!
40
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,600
Well, it's your turn
to clean him up.
41
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,600
SHE MIMICS HIM
WHISPERS: Cocksucker.
42
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:04,960
Come on...
43
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,240
Er, can we just...?
44
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:09,360
One sec. OK.
45
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:13,080
Fucking put that down!
It's not your dog! Er, so...
46
00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:18,360
..is it mine? Yes.
Congratulations.
47
00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:19,960
I finished in the sink!
48
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,960
Look, please, please just don't say
anything to Allegra, just for now.
49
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,200
Like, do you want money?
50
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,400
I can PayPal you money right now.
Piss off!
51
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,160
Sorry! I just...
52
00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:31,800
It's a lot.
53
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:33,120
Mm.
54
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,120
Can I have your number?
55
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:36,440
Fine.
56
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,320
Mummy wants us to pop by.
If you think you can get
57
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:44,200
the Defender up her driveway
without hitting anything this time.
58
00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,000
Well, good luck with the baby
59
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,400
and, erm, give our regards to Seb!
Will do.
60
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:52,000
Come on, Berty, this way.
Can you open the door, please?
61
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,120
Is kissing him
like getting off with a giraffe?
62
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,200
That's the first question
you want to ask me?
63
00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,280
So what are you going to do?
64
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:03,600
Nothing!
65
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,120
Ugh! God, he's a liar and a cheat,
66
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,680
and judging by the size of
that baby he was holding,
67
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,680
Allegra was very pregnant
when we...met.
68
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:12,880
Where did you meet him?
69
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:13,960
In a toilet.
70
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,200
Oh, romantic.
71
00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:19,440
I mean, there's no way
I'll hear from him again.
72
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:20,880
PHONE VIBRATES
73
00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:24,920
It's Ben.
He says he wants to talk.
74
00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:27,640
Malcolm, what the fuck is this?
75
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,480
I got those from the charity shop.
76
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,760
They're DVDs I used to watch with
the girls when they were little.
77
00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:34,320
Ballykissangel? Boring.
78
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,160
Grey's Anatomy? Boring.
79
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:37,800
Lovejoy? Fantastic!
80
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,280
The Shining?
81
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,040
Yeah. It's about a little boy,
isn't it?
82
00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:43,120
Yeah, whose dad tries to murder him
with an axe.
83
00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:45,600
Malcolm, you watched this
with your kids? Yeah.
84
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,240
Wednesday night was film night.
85
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:48,440
HE LAUGHS
86
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,680
Why don't you just dig out
your actual DVDs?
87
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,640
Davina gave them away
to the cat shelter
88
00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:53,760
when she got rid of the house.
89
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,680
You know, not for the cats
to watch, obviously.
90
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:57,760
Because they just watch snooker,
don't they?
91
00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:01,160
Wait. Your ex-wife gave away
all your stuff?
92
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,640
Well, she left some of the girls'
stuff up in the loft.
93
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,040
You know, baby photos and toys,
and stuff like that.
94
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,560
I was supposed to go round
and collect them but I just, er...
95
00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,880
I couldn't.
Dad, this box was outside the flat.
96
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,760
Which I guess means you haven't
asked Baris to fix the intercom yet.
97
00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,840
Look! Got these DVDs for the baby!
98
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:21,320
No. My baby's not watching
The Shining.
99
00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:23,520
That's why Catherine's so messed up.
100
00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:26,240
Ooh, speak of the devil.
101
00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:28,720
I know you find aggressive women
terrifying,
102
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,480
but you need to go and visit her.
Not this again.
103
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,760
Look, I don't like going either,
but at least take her
104
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:36,560
a Christmas present.
A big Toblerone or something?
105
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,280
Look, I got this for you.
Well, for the little one.
106
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:43,560
Will you stop buying random crap and
just do the stuff I ask you to do?
107
00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:47,240
Er, now, Gemma, I do think you're
being a bit tough on Malcolm here.
108
00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:51,600
I'm just saying, you know, I know
how hard it is being pregnant.
109
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:54,280
Oh, you do, do you? Uh-huh.
110
00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:55,920
Is your bladder
the side of a peanut?
111
00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,000
Does your pelvis feel like
it's going to snap in half?
112
00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,040
Are your tits so swollen
113
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,000
it's like two kettlebells
are strapped to your chest?
114
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,840
No. But I do remember
what a massive bitch my wife was.
115
00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:06,720
Look at this!
I got all this for a fiver off eBay.
116
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,640
Look!
SHE SIGHS
117
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:10,640
Yeah, just once round
in the washing machine
118
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:14,000
and give 'em a bit of a scrub
and they'll be fine. Oh, Dad...
119
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,880
Just pop 'em in here.
120
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,880
THEY RETCH
121
00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:24,160
Ugh!
122
00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:26,280
Thank you for agreeing to meet me.
123
00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:28,440
I'm not going to tell her,
by the way.
124
00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,400
That's very decent of you.
125
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:32,320
I'm not trying to be decent.
126
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:35,360
I just don't need the drama of
blowing up someone else's life.
127
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,840
So Allegra is your girlfriend?
128
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:39,080
Wife.
129
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,720
No ring?
130
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,920
Well, my grandfather was degloved
aboard The Prince of Wales.
131
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:46,240
Degloved?
132
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,760
Degloved is when
the ring is caught and..
133
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:51,880
and the skin is sort of
pulled off the flesh.
134
00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:55,040
Gristle and bone. Mm-hm. Well, none
of the men in my family wear one.
135
00:05:55,040 --> 00:06:00,160
It's kind of like a fun family
tradition slash horrible obsession.
136
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,760
Wow!
I was going to ask if there were
137
00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,960
any hereditary illnesses
I needed to know about,
138
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,800
but I didn't expect to hear
about fingers being torn off.
139
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:10,680
It's not the whole fingers.
Just the skin. Oh, course.
140
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:12,760
So I thought you might like
to see these.
141
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,560
Just to give you some sort of
indication of what you're carrying.
142
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:18,760
That is such a weird way
of putting it, thank you.
143
00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:21,120
God, Berty looks nothing like you.
144
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:22,960
He... He's all Allegra.
145
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,640
She has very strong genes.
146
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,760
Whoa. Big house.
147
00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,840
Yeah. Or too big. I mean, I once
nearly starved to death
148
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,640
playing a game of hide and seek.
149
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,480
Took days to find me.
150
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,080
SHE LAUGHS
151
00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,200
Taxi!
152
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,240
Oh... Thank you.
153
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,520
Well, that was the best £45
bowl of pasta I've ever had.
154
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,440
Oh, it's the least I could do.
155
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,880
Yeah, considering
the next 18 years are on me.
156
00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:55,880
Well, maybe I can send you
some items to help? Er...
157
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,400
Clothes? Pram? A nanny?
158
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,000
It's a joke.
159
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,280
It's technically people trafficking,
so...
160
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:04,560
Give me your phone. Sure.
161
00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:05,920
Sorry.
162
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,440
My address.
163
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:11,600
Inanimate objects only. OK.
164
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:15,320
I'll let you know when the baby
arrives. Yeah, that'd be...great.
165
00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:21,360
Thank you. Thanks.
You can keep the coat.
166
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,040
Oh! No, that was a joke.
167
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:24,840
It's quite cold. Yeah.
168
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,760
Thank you. Thank you. See you.
See you.
169
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,840
Oh, how was the film?
170
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:49,360
Yeah, better than I was expecting.
Good.
171
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,840
Dad, have you got any baby photos
of me and Catherine?
172
00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:55,200
Oh...no. I didn't take much with me,
you know,
173
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:58,400
after I found your mum humping that
guy who sold sponges door-to-door.
174
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,840
OK. Hey, but I...
I know where they are, though.
175
00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:02,360
They're up in the loft
of the old house.
176
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:03,600
I could pop round and get them.
177
00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,760
I'm sure the people
who've moved in won't mind.
178
00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:06,840
That's OK...
179
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,200
HE KNOCKS
180
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,800
What? Kenny Tugger?
Malcolm Moscrip.
181
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,440
You bought this house from me.
182
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:20,680
Well, not from me, no,
from Davina, from my wife.
183
00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:23,320
I mean, you would have dealt
with my wife, you see. Mum!
184
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:24,880
Wait a minute!
185
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:28,360
Oh. This one said
he used to own the house. Yeah.
186
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:32,680
Er, I don't think my wife cleared
out the loft before you moved in.
187
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,120
We fucking know she didn't.
188
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,280
People who sell houses and leave
loads of shit in the loft are scum.
189
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:39,520
You...are scum.
190
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,120
Yeah. I couldn't go up
and get some boxes, could I?
191
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,640
No! Piss off!
192
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:48,600
And get your fucking mail
redirected.
193
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:01,360
Oh, Jesus!
194
00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:03,360
Hey, what are you doing?
195
00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:06,080
Oh, come on. No, no.
They just...
196
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:08,160
They just need a bit of
elbow grease, don't they?
197
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,560
They'll be as good as new.
198
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:12,200
Dad, have you arranged a date
to visit Catherine yet?
199
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,840
It's not going to be as scary
as you think it is.
200
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:17,640
I'm not scared of seeing
my own daughter, Gemma. OK.
201
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,000
DOOR BUZZER
202
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:22,440
Hello?
203
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,080
STATIC CRACKLES
Dad!
204
00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,360
Oh, yeah. It's on...
It's on my list, sorry.
205
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,640
Fuckin' 'ell...
206
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,120
I can't stop thinking about you.
207
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,520
Did your wife forget to
pack your umbrella?
208
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,880
Dad?
209
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:06,040
Hey, hey. Ta-da!
HE LAUGHS
210
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:08,360
Obviously we'll sew it
before we put the sprog in it.
211
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,960
The staples are just
for demonstration.
212
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,560
Good, eh? Yeah.
213
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:17,200
Er, Ben... Hi.
..this is my dad, Malcolm.
214
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,920
Dad, this is Ben. Yeah.
215
00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:20,520
He's the baby's father.
216
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,240
Yes.
217
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:23,880
Er, it's a...
218
00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:26,480
It's a pleasure to meet you,
Malcolm. Yeah.
219
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:31,960
Would you like some kitchen roll
for your hair?
220
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:34,960
Er...yeah.
221
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,320
Yes, thank you.
222
00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,040
Well...
223
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:41,640
Please, just try and be
a bit less weird. What do you mean?
224
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,720
Kitchen roll for his hair?
225
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:46,600
Well, he was wet,
and this is super absorbent.
226
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,320
I can go if it's a bad time?
227
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,000
No. No. OK, good.
228
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,920
Cos I'm... I'm quite cold.
229
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,040
It's nice to finally meet
230
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,120
one of your boyfriends, eh, Gemma?
He's not my boyfriend.
231
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,480
I don't suppose you've got a spare
jumper I could borrow, do you?
232
00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,920
Er, yeah, Dad'll have one. Yes.
233
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,920
Yes, I'll endeavour to find one.
Great.
234
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:05,120
Endeavour?!
235
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,040
That's good for him.
236
00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:10,920
Want these? Oh, yeah.
Thanks. Cheers.
237
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:19,520
Er, the nursery looks...
238
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,120
Looks lovely. Mm.
239
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:22,960
Yeah, my dad decorated it.
240
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:26,680
He lives with me, by the way.
Right.
241
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:29,360
You probably gathered. Yes.
242
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,600
Looks great. Thank you.
243
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:36,200
Yeah, my mum left
and neither of us can afford...
244
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,440
Here we go. Ooh! No, keep going.
I'll just pop these on the bed.
245
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:52,720
Thank you.
246
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,280
Good? Yeah.
247
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,560
I made them myself. Yesterday.
248
00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,280
I mean, they've been in the fridge
but, erm,
249
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:03,600
I find that's more to my taste.
Lovely.
250
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:04,880
Thanks, Dad.
251
00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:06,240
Right, yeah.
252
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:11,680
You should probably go.
I should...
253
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,360
..but I really don't want to.
254
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:20,640
Plus, fridge spuds
are my favourite food.
255
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,480
SHE LAUGHS
256
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,800
Yeah. I mean,
you can really taste the...
257
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,320
The fridge.
258
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,000
He sounds like a dick.
259
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,080
Eating your weird snack potatoes
without comment.
260
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:36,200
No, he was ever so nice, actually.
Oh, shut up about Ben!
261
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,680
We need to work out
how to get into your old loft. OK?
262
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:45,240
Two words.
263
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,600
Home. Invasion.
264
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,760
We smash in the front door
of your old place,
265
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,120
we tie up Agnes and Kenny
and we take...
266
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,920
We take what's rightfully yours.
267
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:02,480
Seems a bit extreme.
268
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:04,400
I thought you'd pussy out
of that one, Malc.
269
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,840
All right, backup plan.
Have you still got your door key?
270
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:10,200
Yeah. I couldn't bear
to give it back, so..
271
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,760
Oh, is that them?
272
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,720
Yeah. The ones who bought your gaff.
273
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,880
We let ourselves in
while they're out,
274
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,920
we grab the stuff from the loft
without the Tuggers even noticing.
275
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,200
Oh, yeah.
276
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,280
Hey, but there's quite a bit
of stuff,
277
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:26,320
so we're going to need
an extra pair of hands.
278
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:29,440
If you say that fucking toilet, Ben,
I'm out.
279
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,720
So, er, before we go to the pub,
280
00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:41,240
I thought you might like to see
the house Gemma grew up in?
281
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,320
Yeah. I want to know everything
about her.
282
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:44,680
You heard him, Malcolm.
283
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:47,160
He's well up for helping
with these boxes.
284
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,920
Er...what boxes?
No, look, come on.
285
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,600
I mean, yeah, he has some baggage,
286
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,040
but with Ben it's more like
a shipping container
287
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:58,400
that's got a wife, five kids
and a Chihuahua in it.
288
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,640
Sorry...five kids?!
289
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,960
Yeah. The older three
are at boarding school.
290
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:06,400
Do you think he's got a thing
for pregnant women?
291
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:07,760
I'm not going to go into details,
292
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,280
but he's certainly not
put off by it.
293
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,120
Lovely, really. Sh! In you go.
294
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,520
Sorry... In here.
295
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:19,560
Why have you got torches?
I mean, should I have a torch?
296
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,440
Hey! You don't get a torch!
297
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:25,160
Aww, that's where Gemma had
her first little Wendy house.
298
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:28,920
Oh, look! Oh, God, and that's where
she lost her first tooth.
299
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:30,400
HE CHUCKLES
300
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:33,400
Oh, that's a shame - they've
taken down the stone cladding.
301
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,120
It took me ages to put that up.
Tasteless arseholes.
302
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,520
Now fuck Kenny Tugger
and his whore mother Agnes.
303
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:43,880
Er...do other people live here now?
The Tuggers. The Tuggers.
304
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:47,000
Do they know you're in their house?
Of course not. Duh.
305
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,960
Otherwise they'd call the police,
wouldn't they?
306
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,360
Whoa. Not so fast, matey.
You're an accessory now.
307
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,200
Oh, my God! I'm part of a burglary!
308
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:56,400
No, it'll be fine as long as
we don't move or break anything.
309
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,800
OBJECTS SMASH
What did he fucking just say,
310
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,120
you giant bellend?
I'm sorry!
311
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:02,920
THEY SCREAM
312
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,520
Oh, shit!
313
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:06,160
Wha...wha...what should I do?
314
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,320
I mean, do WE pull it out
or leave it in?
315
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,920
Bit late for that conversation,
eh, Malcolm? Shut up!
316
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,240
I hope your DNA's
not on a register somewhere.
317
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:15,080
OK, look, brace yourself, all right?
318
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,920
After three. One, two...
319
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,320
MALCOLM SCREAMS
320
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:20,480
OK. OK. Oh, my God!
321
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,040
Argh! You're bleeding.
You're bleeding. Just hold it up.
322
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:26,360
No, you're bleeding. It's dripping!
Hold it up. Don't bleed everywhere.
323
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,480
Hold it. Let's be quick. Quick now.
324
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:31,680
Quick. Come on. Come on.
Up the stairs.
325
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,400
Go get those boxes. Come on.
Up, up, up, up, up!
326
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:37,640
Sorry, you can't have
a relationship with him.
327
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,560
He's got a family!
328
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:42,480
And a really shit dog.
329
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,360
It's actually a very cute dog.
330
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:48,800
And that's his choice to make,
not mine, and certainly not yours.
331
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:51,080
What is he, like,
ten years older than you?
332
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,240
I just think it's a bit sordid,
that's all.
333
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:54,400
12.
334
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:58,560
And it's the best offer
I've had so far. Oh, cool.
335
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,480
So you're happy to tear
a family apart, are you?
336
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,840
God, I'm trying to build a family.
337
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,920
With the father of my child.
338
00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:07,320
I, er...
339
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:10,760
I just didn't think
that's who you were, that's all.
340
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,880
SHE SCOFFS
341
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,280
Get the fuck out.
342
00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:17,880
Seriously, fuck off.
343
00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:21,280
Fine.
344
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,240
Wow.
345
00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:30,240
What the hell was all that about?
346
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,080
Oh, come on, babe, you must know.
347
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,080
Fuck off!
348
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:37,680
Oh, hey! Look at this! Ow!
349
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,520
It's just how I left it.
350
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:43,280
Oh, my "man corner." Oh...
351
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,240
Oh, God. Ben, come here.
352
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,480
Let me give you a little bit
of advice. Yeah?
353
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:53,040
There's going to be times
when it all gets a bit too much.
354
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:55,600
Especially if you and Gemma
go on and have more sprogs.
355
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,920
More? I don't think...
356
00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:01,120
Being a dad, it's amazing,
357
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:03,680
but also fucking awful.
358
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:06,920
Sometimes the misery just
gets into your bones, you know?
359
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:10,040
And when that happens,
you're going to need a little corner
360
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:13,560
where you can take yourself off
and just block it all out, you know?
361
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:16,160
Right. A little space in the loft,
362
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:19,880
with a dog bed,
and just lie down and...
363
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,560
..hide.
364
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,600
Yeah, you're better off
getting yourself
365
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,800
a little man bucket
for your man mess.
366
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,760
Don't worry. I've emptied that
before I moved out. What? Oh...
367
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,040
I think.
368
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:32,480
Yeah.
369
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,640
Oh, look, there he is.
370
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,120
Ha-ha! I put Mr T up there.
371
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:38,920
To give me some inspiration.
372
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,520
Fun fact about Mr T,
I thought he died of bowel cancer.
373
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,000
How is that a fun fact?
374
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,560
Do you want me to throw you
through the fucking loft hatch?!
375
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,960
No, I...
DOOR CREAKS, VOICES
376
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,200
Shite!
377
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:55,120
Pull that up!
Quick, get that up! Fuck!
378
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:56,760
Help him get that up.
379
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,120
Oh, shit!
380
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:02,800
Shit! OK. If they do come up,
381
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,480
I've just found this extra-strong
piece of garden twine.
382
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,640
MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES
383
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,160
Dad?
384
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:13,320
Oh, hi, Gemma.
Why are you whispering?
385
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:15,760
We're stuck in the loft
of the old house.
386
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:17,200
Me, Derek and Ben.
387
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,080
What? I tell you to not be weird
and that's where you end up?
388
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:25,320
Fuck's sake! I was trying to get
some old photographs,
389
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,960
but the Tuggers, they wouldn't
let me in. The Tuggers?
390
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,640
The massive A-holes
who bought the house. Sh!
391
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,200
But, look, they've come home early
and we're trapped.
392
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:34,840
Wait. Wait. Slow down.
393
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:37,080
So you, Derek and Ben
are in the old loft
394
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:39,360
and the new owners don't know
you're up there? No.
395
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:40,720
Well, I don't think so, but...
396
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,800
..Ben did bleed a lot
in the front room, so who knows?
397
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,400
What?! Is he OK?! Yeah, yeah.
He's a big lad, isn't he?
398
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,400
So he probably had more blood
than most of us in the first place,
399
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,560
so he can afford to lose
a drop or two.
400
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:53,840
Look, do you think we're in trouble?
401
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:55,720
For breaking into someone's house,
402
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,520
bleeding all over their carpets
and stealing things from their loft?
403
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,280
Yeah. That's on the criminal side
of things.
404
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:03,880
Erm, OK.
405
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:06,800
Wait there. Do not make a sound.
I'm coming over.
406
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,040
Oh, thanks, Gemma. Thanks.
407
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:10,200
She's coming round.
She's coming round.
408
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,760
Oh, Mr T...
409
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:20,520
Are you sure this is going to work?
I hope so.
410
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,280
I can't deal with Dad and Ben
being in prison too.
411
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,080
Make some labour noises, then!
412
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,720
SHE GROANS
Yeah, that's it.
413
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,040
Oh, my God, my friend's
gone into labour!
414
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,320
Why's she on my drive?
That's trespassing.
415
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,840
Cos she's having a baby!
Not on my drive, she isn't.
416
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:41,000
I don't want any of that...
That muck on my drive.
417
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,840
It'll attract the foxes. Hey, hey,
hey, hey! What's going on here?
418
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,000
Silly bint's having a baby
on our drive.
419
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,080
I said to her,
it'll bring the foxes out.
420
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,080
Kenny Tugger, you little rotter!
421
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,800
Come on, lovey.
Let me get you inside.
422
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,080
No, no. I've always wanted
a gravel birth.
423
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,880
So maybe you guys
could stay outside instead?
424
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,200
Want me to get the stretcher,
Mum?
425
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:00,120
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
Go on.
426
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,200
No, no. I can walk, thank you.
427
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,480
Up you get.
428
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:04,800
Ooooh.
429
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:06,160
Argh.
430
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,000
Thank you. Oh, God...
431
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,040
Oh, dear.
432
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,080
Oh...
433
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,640
BREATHLESSLY: I'm having a panic
attack.
434
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:15,520
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
435
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:18,680
Hey, you know what's supposed to be
good for a panic attack?
436
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,640
Breathing into a bag. OK.
437
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,240
Oh, God!
438
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,400
Hey! What are you doing?
439
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,120
GRUNTING
440
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:28,080
Behave yourself!
You're such a fucking psycho!
441
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,160
GEMMA GROANS
442
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,160
What the fuck has happened here?
443
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:36,720
THUMPING FROM UPSTAIRS
444
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:39,760
Stop it! We should just leave him
here to die. Let him bleed out.
445
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,560
What is your fucking problem?!
446
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:44,600
Derek! You're the fucking problem.
447
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:46,320
You're not good enough for her!
448
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:49,000
MUFFLED SHOUTING
449
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,880
THEY GASP
450
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:55,240
Do you take PayPal, Kenny?
451
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,040
£6,000!
452
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:01,160
Mm. Yeah, and three stitches.
453
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,400
Honestly not the worst night out
I've ever had.
454
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:06,480
SHE LAUGHS
455
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,440
Plus I got to know Malcolm better.
456
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:12,000
Er...he is odd.
457
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,000
Er, but lovely.
458
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,880
Yeah, he is.
459
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,640
I mean, I'd rather not be
living with him. No.
460
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:23,120
He has been pretty great since...
461
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:25,800
Well... So, I made some calls...
462
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:31,760
..and there is a flat ready for you
next month, if you want it.
463
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:34,080
You can be settled by the time
the baby's born.
464
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:38,920
A flat? Yeah.
465
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:42,280
Well, I wanted it to be,
like, a surprise. Erm...
466
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:43,960
You don't have to pay a penny.
467
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,880
It's yours for as long
as you want it. Forever.
468
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:51,520
Where will you live?
469
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,360
I'd come there every other weekend.
470
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:03,280
Is that a bad thing? Gemma, look...
471
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,800
..Allegra takes the kids
to Switzerland
472
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,440
for six weeks in the summer,
so I'll be around loads then.
473
00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:12,000
You'll be sick of the sight of me.
474
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,200
We can make it work!
475
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:18,120
With me as your bit on the side?
476
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:20,280
Oh, my God. I can't believe
I've been so fucking stupid.
477
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,480
No, no, no, no.
What's stupid, Gemma,
478
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,360
is you staying in this poky flat,
with your Frankenstein baby clothes,
479
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:27,800
an intercom that doesn't work
and your dad.
480
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:32,120
Oh! So you think this - my life -
isn't good enough for your baby.
481
00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:33,520
Well...
482
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,560
..no.
483
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:39,240
Look. You don't have to
do this alone, OK?
484
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:44,080
I'm not alone.
485
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:46,960
Gemma, I'm offering you a way out.
486
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,400
Right?
487
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,960
Don't be a stupid bitch about it.
488
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,760
Hey, you! Fucking hell!
489
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,840
Don't talk to my daughter like that.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Malcolm.
490
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,520
I was a bit angry. No, I'd like you
to leave now, thanks, Ben.
491
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,760
Just leave, please. Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just...
492
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,240
What is wrong with you people?
493
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,000
Can you go, or I'll call Derek.
On your way.
494
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:07,880
Gemma, I care about you.
495
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:11,320
Go on. Come on. Out you go.
I'm going.
496
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:14,560
Yeah. Grab your coat,
sling your hook. Go on.
497
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:17,040
My wife is horrible!
Go on. On your way.
498
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:19,760
Gem?
499
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:23,240
Gem, are you all right?
500
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,960
It's all right. He's gone.
He's gone.
501
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:27,720
He's gone now.
502
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:29,880
You, erm...
503
00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,240
You go and sit down, eh?
504
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:35,000
Go on. I'll make us a cup of tea.
505
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,120
Hey...
506
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:44,560
I knew he was married with kids
507
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:48,080
and I still pretended
it was going to work out.
508
00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:51,360
It's probably for the best,
isn't it, eh? I mean, you know,
509
00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:54,160
he would have wanted to call
the baby...
510
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:55,280
..Humphrey or something.
511
00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:59,960
Oh, hey - hey, we haven't
looked at these yet, have we?
512
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:03,080
Look, some photies. Hey.
513
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,760
Oh, and look what I found, hey?
514
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:06,320
Your favourite.
515
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:11,080
Dolly Wiggins. Dolly, Dolly, Dolly.
516
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:12,800
Dolly belonged to Cat, Dad.
517
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,960
Did she?
518
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:17,400
Oh, right.
519
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:19,800
Yeah.
520
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:25,800
Come on. Come on.
521
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,360
Come on, Malcolm. Be strong.
522
00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:31,960
HE SOBS
523
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,840
I'm so sorry, Catherine.
524
00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:40,120
I failed you as a father.
525
00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:43,280
Oh, my God, Dad, you're being
so embarrassing.
526
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:46,560
Can you forgive me?
Yes, if you just shut up.
527
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:49,160
Well, I'm sorry.
528
00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:54,800
I got you something.
529
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:56,320
Guess who I found?
530
00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:01,600
Dolly Wiggins.
531
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:04,040
HE LAUGHS
532
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:08,000
That's amazing.
533
00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,080
Thanks, Dad.
534
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:13,600
It's all right, my darling.
535
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,040
There's nothing in here.
536
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:25,720
Why the fuck
would you bring this in
537
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:27,520
if there's no drugs in its head?
538
00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:29,600
Oh!
HE GROANS
539
00:25:29,650 --> 00:25:34,200
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