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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,720
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour from the start
2
00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:09,800
Have you got a condom?
INTERCOM PINGS
3
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:11,160
My wallet's in my bag.
4
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,520
And it doesn't have
any condoms in it.
5
00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:16,080
Oh, I think I might have one. OK.
6
00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:21,160
Must've fallen out. Oh.
7
00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:23,720
I mean, we could still...
8
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:26,000
Erm...
9
00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:28,560
What about disease?
10
00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:33,080
You what? Oh, I'm not suggesting
you've got anything.
11
00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:35,560
No, it's just that
advert from the '80s.
12
00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:37,040
"AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."
13
00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:39,560
Scared the life out of me
when I first saw it.
14
00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:42,200
I think it's, "AIDS.
Don't die of ignorance."
15
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,760
I saw it on TikTok.
16
00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,680
Pretty sure it's,
"AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."
17
00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:48,320
No. It's, "AIDS. Don't die
of ignorance."
18
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:50,000
Why would it be,
"AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."
19
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,680
Well...
That's a terrible slogan.
20
00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:54,360
Well, let's just agree to disagree,
shall we? OK.
21
00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:56,960
PA: Could all passengers please
return to their seats,
22
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,080
as we begin our descent
into Manchester Airport.
23
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:00,520
Are we doing this then or what?
24
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:02,720
Sure, yeah. And I'll just finish in
the sink to be sensible.
25
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:04,120
Yeah. OK.
26
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,720
Oh, I'm Ben, by the way. Gemma.
27
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,080
Hiya, Rita.
28
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,080
You're nearly an hour late, lady.
29
00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,240
Yeah, I had to get
the bus from Cheadle.
30
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,840
What were you doing in Cheadle? Hmm.
31
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:37,480
Who were you doing in Cheadle?
I mean, I'm not judging.
32
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,080
I was the same at her age.
33
00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:40,760
I'm the same at my age.
34
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:42,440
SHE CHUCKLES
35
00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:45,120
Oh, you can take those off,
Stevie Wonder.
36
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,640
I don't want people thinking
I employ wankers.
37
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,680
I've got a reputation to think of.
Hmm?
38
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,280
His name's Liam. He's a painter.
39
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,400
Oh, did you take his business card?
40
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,840
I've been after someone to
give my boxroom a lick.
41
00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:58,960
As in artist.
42
00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:02,480
Bloody hell, has this got
vodka in it?
43
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:03,880
Hair of the dog.
44
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,720
So tell us about this new one, then.
45
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,400
I'm not going to see him again.
46
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,600
Wears the same deodorant as me dad.
47
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:12,080
Very off putting at
a pivotal moment.
48
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:15,040
How is your hunky dad?
Have you seen him, Winnie?
49
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:16,520
Oof!
50
00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:18,240
Do you think he's ready for love
again?
51
00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:21,240
Maybe with a sexually adventurous
salon owner?
52
00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,480
I've told you, you're not his type.
53
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,560
I'm everybody's type, Gemma.
54
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:28,560
What's his new place like, then?
55
00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:30,880
I don't know, I haven't
been round yet.
56
00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,680
I know, he keeps asking.
57
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,240
I'll go later actually.
58
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:41,960
# I work all night
59
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:45,080
# I do my thing
60
00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:50,760
# Just killin' time
61
00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:53,840
# Need a friend
62
00:02:55,240 --> 00:03:00,240
# Is this my life beginning or... #
63
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:04,640
Dad, it's Gemma.
64
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,200
DOOR BUZZES
65
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,720
Gemma.
66
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:25,520
Hey, I'm so glad you've
finally got to see the place. Huh?
67
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,960
I know it's not Buckingham Palace,
but it'll do.
68
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,760
And it's all I can afford...
69
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:30,920
..for now!
70
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,000
I shouldn't even be here.
71
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,800
I mean, I wasn't the one having
the affair, was I?
72
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,160
Have you seen your mother?
She's in Paris.
73
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,280
Oh, God, Paris!
74
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:47,440
I mean, what's Paris got
that this place hasn't, eh?
75
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:49,600
Art, culture,
76
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,080
a vibrant jazz scene.
77
00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:53,600
It's the cheese, isn't it? Eh?
78
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:56,160
She has gone for the cheese.
79
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,800
Yeah, she's gone for the cheese.
80
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:00,400
Sorry. No.
81
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,960
It's quite trendy these days
actually, to drink out of jam jars.
82
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:04,120
Oh, aye?
83
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,800
Is it trendy to have a wee
in them an all?
84
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,360
Don't worry.
85
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:11,840
I put an X on that one
so I don't get them mixed up.
86
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:14,200
Yeah, you don't really want to use
the facilities here
87
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,720
if you can help it.
88
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,320
SCREAMING: Oh, my God,
I want to die!
89
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:20,960
That's Derek.
90
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,200
Yeah.
91
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,200
He runs the gaff.
92
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:25,600
He was married for 12 years
93
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,600
and his wife won't let him
see the kids.
94
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,320
Oh, God, what is that?
Oh, sorry.
95
00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:31,680
It's just erm...
96
00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:34,320
Yeah, that's just a, you know,
that's just a damp patch
97
00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:36,040
where I've... I've been crying.
98
00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:39,200
If I can keep myself together
tonight, that'll dry out nicely.
99
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,480
BANGING ON DOOR
Malcolm?
100
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,280
Malcolm, open up, mate.
101
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:45,960
I've run out of chocolate spread...
Derek.
102
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:49,680
..because some fucking DEAD MAN
at work stole mine.
103
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:54,440
Hey, Derek, come in.
104
00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:56,520
Yeah, I've got some somewhere.
105
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:00,600
Oh, er, that's my daughter, Gemma.
106
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,640
Hiya. Hey.
107
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:04,200
Hey, lovely to meet you.
108
00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:09,440
Are you wearing Lovely
by Sarah Jessica Parker?
109
00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,200
Yeah!
110
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:13,920
I got a bit heavy handed in Boots
earlier.
111
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:17,040
I sat in something. A pie I think.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gorgeous.
112
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,720
At least I hope it was a pie.
113
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:21,400
I adore Lovely
by Sarah Jessica Parker.
114
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,840
Top three smells.
115
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:24,680
CHUCKLING
116
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:28,760
Hey, you, erm, this might seem
a little forward, but...
117
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,800
..would you be interested
in dinner tomorrow night?
118
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,160
I know a great Italian.
119
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,680
Sorry, has she...she got
a boyfriend? Or a husband?
120
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,480
Umm... Dad, no, I don't.
121
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,040
Well, then. What do you say?
122
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:46,560
Do you know what,
I can't do tomorrow. I'm working.
123
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,480
What, at night! Mm.
124
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,360
The salon stays open late on
a Thursday
125
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,480
and it's my turn to lock up.
What about the next night, then?
126
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,760
Are you "working" then as well? Hmm?
127
00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:56,800
No?
128
00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,480
Yeah, well, fuck you!
129
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,480
Yeah, nice daughter, Malcolm.
130
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:02,720
What a whore.
131
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:05,760
Yeah.
132
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:06,840
Dad!
133
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:09,880
You know, this is why
I haven't come over sooner.
134
00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:11,760
Oh, come on, Gemma, it's just Derek.
135
00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:14,280
Oh, enjoy your plant. Gem...?
136
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:24,840
HE SNIFFS
137
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:42,000
Hey, do you know if they're
showing the match in here?
138
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:49,400
Ouch.
139
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,840
Sorry, they're just a bit sore.
It's fine though.
140
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,080
We should get them out that bra.
Yeah.
141
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:00,520
My flatmate won't be back for ages.
142
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:02,840
That's sexy.
143
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:06,040
You're a naughty, naughty,
naughty girl.
144
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,200
What the hell?!
Oh, yeah, what the hell.
145
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:14,040
Ho-ho!
146
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,240
Hello?
147
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:17,840
Oh, my God.
148
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:21,680
Oh, my God.
149
00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:28,480
A lovely place you've got.
150
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:29,960
Yeah. I've been burgled!
151
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,000
But have they taken the bed? Hmm.
152
00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,800
Yeah. Or if not, the floor
is just as good.
153
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:40,040
SHE RETCHES
154
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:44,920
SHE VOMITS
155
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,480
You all right?
156
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,200
Hon?
157
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:53,840
Honey?
158
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,480
Baby girl?
159
00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:56,520
Gemma!
160
00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:57,600
Gemma? Thanks.
161
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:01,760
I could Deliveroo us some oysters.
162
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,560
Someone's stolen all my things,
163
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,680
so unless your cock fires out
Argos vouchers
164
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,680
I'm not going anywhere near it
tonight.
165
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,200
Keely, did you lock up properly?
Cos we've been fucking burgled.
166
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,560
I'm calling the police,
but you need to get back here now.
167
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:28,880
I can see you.
168
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:33,000
I'll go...shall I?
169
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,160
Yeah.
170
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,040
Meeting you tonight...
171
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:39,520
..has changed my life.
172
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,760
DM me, Gemboodles. Gemma!
173
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,880
HE CHUCKLES
174
00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:51,560
Don't ignore me.
175
00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:53,120
I know where you live.
176
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,920
You're back very early.
177
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:01,200
Yeah.
178
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,200
I met...Danny at The Red Rock
and we...
179
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:08,520
Anyway, thank God I came back early.
We've been burgled.
180
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:13,880
Are you moving out?
181
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:18,680
I'm going to be a mummy!
182
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:22,120
Me and Sancho are having a baby.
183
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,520
What?
184
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:27,360
Sancho is an idiot who once stapled
himself to a park bench.
185
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:28,800
Hey!
186
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:32,040
Sancho has a lovely flat.
187
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,160
No, you're right, he does, actually.
188
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:35,480
Very nice carpets.
189
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:36,680
Yeah, well...
190
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:39,120
We didn't plan on becoming
Mummy and Daddy so soon,
191
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,520
but when we found out...
192
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:45,560
So, no doubts at all, then?
193
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:47,360
Yeah, a few.
194
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,360
Can we afford it?
195
00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:51,080
Am I going to get fat?
196
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,960
What if I end up tearing my vaginger
from front to back
197
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,800
and my entire poop system
needs rebuilding?
198
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,920
That can happen? Can and does. Oof.
199
00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:02,240
But in the end...
VOICE FADES: ..I knew I wanted this.
200
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:29,560
Fuck.
201
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,000
Congratulations, Gemma.
202
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,480
Do you know
when your last period was?
203
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:52,240
Could have been a few weeks ago.
204
00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:54,360
Or a couple of...months.
205
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,240
OK.
206
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,840
I was given a workshop on
how to do this tactfully,
207
00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:01,840
but these appointments are only
eight minutes long so...
208
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,480
Is the father around? No.
209
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,080
Do you know who the father is?
210
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:06,480
Erm... Pass?
211
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,080
Do you want to continue
with this pregnancy, Gemma?
212
00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:13,840
You should probably
give it some thought.
213
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:17,360
Having a baby - or not - isn't
something you should do on your own.
214
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:18,720
I've booked you in with the midwife.
215
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:22,640
Is there someone who can go along
with you? Mother? Sister? Friend?
216
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:23,960
Not really, no.
217
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:26,160
My mum's just ran off
with her and my dad's savings,
218
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,600
my sister's on remand
and my flatmate just moved out,
219
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,760
so my life's a mess right now.
220
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,480
Still...
221
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:35,760
Every cloud?
222
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,160
God, do you not find it
a bit depressing?
223
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:56,800
Eh? No! No.
224
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,000
I'm quite enjoying
my independence actually.
225
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,560
I'm living my best life, Gemma.
226
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:03,080
Well, you know, the best life
anyone can live sharing a bog
227
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,200
with five other fellas.
228
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:07,080
THUMP
Oh!
229
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:08,640
Oh, bollocks.
230
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,200
That keeps happ... Oh, shit...
231
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,720
Oh, Jesus, Dad, I really
need to eat something.
232
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,720
Yeah, just hang on. Hang on.
233
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,400
Ah!
234
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,680
Ow!
235
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,120
SHE RETCHES
236
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:29,000
Can I have this doughnut?
237
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,160
Eh?
238
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:33,320
Yeah...
239
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:35,560
I mean...
240
00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:38,320
I mean, I was saving it,
but, you know.
241
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,440
Oh, thanks, Gem.
It's just that...
242
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,480
I just haven't had the chance to
get down the garage, you know.
243
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:45,200
Wait, you do your
food shop at the garage?
244
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,200
Yeah. Why not the supermarket?
245
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,640
Because your mother gave
back the family car
246
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,440
and real men don't use taxis.
247
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,040
Would you like a lift
one night after work?
248
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,360
Oh, would you, love? Yeah.
249
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:55,760
I'm starving. Yeah.
250
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,760
Here, look. Oh, you were
going to tell me something.
251
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:01,000
Doesn't matter. OK.
252
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,880
VIDEO CALL RINGS
253
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,120
Gemma, love! Hi, Mum.
254
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,520
Has your father died?
255
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,440
No! Why?
256
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,280
Well, last time I saw him
he looked as if...
257
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,560
I wondered if he'd got something
they haven't found yet.
258
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,920
He looks like he'd have a lump
somewhere. Mum!
259
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:21,880
No, I'm not wishing this upon him,
he just looks ill.
260
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,600
Is everything else OK?
Is Catherine OK?
261
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:25,840
Still in prison.
262
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:27,760
But she hasn't been shanked
or anything, has she?
263
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,520
What is your obsession
with people being dead?
264
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:31,080
It's 3am, love.
265
00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:33,800
If someone hasn't died, it's
a bit rude calling at this time.
266
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:36,120
Where are you? Montreal.
267
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,120
I thought you were in Paris.
268
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:40,800
Yeah, well, they speak French here,
too.
269
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,680
Should I go? Yes!
270
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,160
Well, it's just that...
271
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:01,400
Stop looking so nervous, Gemma.
272
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,800
You're embarrassing me
in front of my friends.
273
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:04,840
Friends? Yeah.
274
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:09,680
I've, err, got her initials
tattooed on my thigh.
275
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:12,520
Wasn't strictly my choice but...
276
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:14,880
..you know...
277
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,640
So how is Dad?
278
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,080
He's a mess.
279
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:20,880
Well, Mum is ruthless.
280
00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,280
Yeah.
281
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:23,640
She is.
282
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:26,200
See where you get it from.
283
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,720
Did Gary hurt you? What? No!
284
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,200
No, he really loves me.
285
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:39,360
So why did you pay someone to
push him off the fire escape?
286
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:40,600
I have three members of staff,
287
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,320
all of whom have
special educational needs.
288
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:43,840
No, they don't. You've met 'em.
289
00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:46,880
They seem to have
special educational needs.
290
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:48,960
No-one else was going to employ 'em.
291
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,800
Look, cashing in on Gary's life
insurance was the easiest way
292
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,560
to keep the sandwich shop solvent.
293
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,520
It was a legitimate
business decision.
294
00:14:57,520 --> 00:15:00,160
I don't remember Deborah Meaden ever
trying to have someone murdered.
295
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:04,000
Anyway, Gary's fine now, so I don't
really see what the problem is.
296
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,920
You honestly don't, do you?
297
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,480
No.
298
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:10,200
Anyway, I have some news
of my own actually.
299
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,760
Oh. Yeah.
300
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:14,880
I'm... Oi. No standing.
301
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:16,880
No way! Right, nobody move!
302
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,640
ALARM RINGS
Fuck's sake, Gemma.
303
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:21,480
I wasn't, "rubbing a stash
of yummy heroin."
304
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,080
I'm having a baby.
Congratulations.
305
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:26,880
I'm still going to need to
see your arsehole, love.
306
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:30,080
Don't worry, a bum search is
nothing compared to giving birth.
307
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,720
In fact, this is good preparation
308
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,240
for all those midwives
looking up your foof.
309
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:37,360
A little bit of life learning...
VOICE FADES: ..on me.
310
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,800
BABIES BABBLE
311
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:51,520
What can I get ya?
312
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:54,800
Oh, err, flat white - decaf. Thanks.
313
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,280
That'll be 2.50.
314
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:00,440
Oh, fuck.
315
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:03,680
Fuck, I've lost my card.
316
00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,600
Of course I have, cos it's me.
317
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:09,040
I expect my car'll get nicked
or my kidneys'll fail next.
318
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,880
Fuck. What can I get ya?
319
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:13,240
No, no, no.
I'll, err, I'll get hers.
320
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,080
Thanks.
321
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:16,480
No worries.
322
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,360
I hope the other stuff
doesn't happen.
323
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,720
I'm not sure I can stretch to a car.
324
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,080
Or a kidney.
325
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,120
HE BREATHES NERVOUSLY
326
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,160
Oh, great spread, Malc.
327
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:46,680
Yeah. Here you go.
328
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,440
So, erm, look, I just...
329
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:53,240
I just... I just wanted
to bring up the, erm...
330
00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:54,520
..the bathroom.
331
00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:57,720
GAME ON PHONE
332
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,320
What the fuck is wrong with
the bathroom?
333
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,880
Er, nothing. No, I just thought...
334
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:03,600
I thought we could maybe, erm...
335
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:04,800
..you know, clean it?
336
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,880
I mean, not all the time,
obviously just, erm...
337
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:07,920
Maybe just once?
338
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:11,720
That bathroom is a shrine to us
339
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,880
having broken free
of the shackles of women.
340
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:16,880
It's art, Malcolm. Yeah.
341
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,200
Yeah, no, no, I get that, I do.
It's just...
342
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:22,400
It's just that, err, you know,
not everything goes into the bowl
343
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,600
all the time
and nobody cleans it up, you know.
344
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,680
Are you saying you don't
misfire sometimes?
345
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,600
Well, wee, yeah.
346
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:29,760
But you know "not wee"...
347
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,120
I stood in some the other day,
I had to soak me foot in Dettol.
348
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,840
I can't expose it to
direct sunlight now.
349
00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:38,880
HE SCOFFS
350
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,520
Poor pathetic Malcolm.
351
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:41,800
The foot vampire.
352
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:44,000
THEY LAUGH ALTERNATELY
353
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:45,400
I'm not a foot vampire.
354
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,920
Foot vampire! Foot...
Chant, Andy!
355
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:49,800
BOTH: Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
356
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:52,000
Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
I'm not...
357
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,400
Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
Foot vampire!
358
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:57,360
Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
Foot vampire! Foot...
359
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,320
All right, I'm a foot vampire, eh?
360
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,960
Argh! Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
361
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,680
Argh!
362
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,880
That's just fucking weird, Malcolm.
363
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:11,920
Sorry.
364
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,680
So that's the flat.
The room's available immediately.
365
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,080
And did Baris, the landlord, tell
you that bills aren't included?
366
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:19,280
Yeah. Yeah.
367
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:23,960
Do you mind if I
write my name on my food items?
368
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,960
See, I've been stung in the past.
369
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:29,720
Lost a lot of money
not writing my name on food.
370
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,680
Sure.
And I like to often wear gloves.
371
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:34,720
Because of viruses...
372
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,440
..and other reasons.
373
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,400
So, Russell... Yeah.
374
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:39,760
Do you recognise me?
375
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:44,400
Yeah, I did... I did the voiceover
for Single Pringle Mingle.
376
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:47,160
The Welsh dating show.
With crisps?
377
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,400
No.
378
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:49,800
Sorry, I thought you were a...
379
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,800
Stand-up? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. I am. Yeah.
380
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:53,960
Ooh-eh.
381
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:57,960
It's nice.
382
00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,160
I like it.
383
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,440
Thanks. How come you're
looking for somewhere now,
384
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:02,720
if you don't mind me asking?
385
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,760
I just got out of prison.
386
00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:07,120
Don't worry,
I didn't do anything terrible.
387
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,000
I was in the Baader-Meinhof.
388
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:12,920
No?
389
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,160
No-one remembers.
390
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,680
What a waste of a life.
391
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:21,920
If I were to uncover the secret
government paedophile ring,
392
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:25,200
you'd be cool with me using this
as a base for meetings?
393
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:29,320
Is there a lock
on your bedroom door?
394
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,200
What? No, I'm just...
I'm just asking.
395
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,440
I'm just asking.
Yeah, I'm a feminist. So...
396
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:35,960
Yeah.
397
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,000
Nice.
398
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,920
Nice curtains.
399
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,320
The rent's a bit high.
400
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:45,080
Baris sets the rent.
401
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:47,560
If I pleasure you once a week,
could you knock 20 quid off?
402
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,720
No?
403
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,120
£10?
404
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:55,760
Wow.
405
00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:02,160
So, err, what happens
if you don't get a flatmate?
406
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,040
Well, then, I'll have to pay
all the rent myself,
407
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:05,280
which I can't afford.
408
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:08,440
Hey, Gemma.
409
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,800
This is like the longest you and I
have spent together for ages,
410
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,240
isn't it?
411
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,920
What, 43 minutes,
including the drive?
412
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:16,840
Yeah.
413
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,160
You never came out to tea with us.
We always asked.
414
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:21,720
I know. Sorry.
415
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:26,320
Just, they put garlic
in everything, don't they?
416
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:27,480
They? Well, they/them.
417
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,440
You know, the people who make
the food when you go out.
418
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,360
They put garlic in everything.
419
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:33,840
Hey.
420
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,400
I should get some jacket potatoes.
421
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,320
Your mum used to hate them.
422
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:47,880
Dad, how many do you want?
423
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:51,280
No. They're normal potatoes,
aren't they? I need jacket potatoes.
424
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,240
What do you think
jacket potatoes are?
425
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,200
Well, they're special potatoes,
aren't they?
426
00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,040
They're like, err, they're
covered in, like, leather.
427
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,240
Well, not leather.
But, you know, something.
428
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:03,960
Covered in something
because they're called...
429
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:06,880
..jacket, aren't they?
430
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,480
No.
431
00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:12,960
They're just normal big potatoes
cooked in the oven and/or microwave.
432
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,960
Jesus fucking Christ!
433
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:18,520
Are you all right, love? No.
434
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,000
I'm not all right, Dad.
I'm pregnant.
435
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,320
I'm pregnant
and I'm about to be homeless
436
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:25,760
and I don't know who the father is
and I don't have any women in
437
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:27,120
my life to support me
438
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,920
and I don't want my baby growing up
to be the kind of moron
439
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:33,840
who thinks jacket potatoes are
potatoes covered in leather!
440
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:39,280
I'm going to be a grandad!
441
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,040
Oh, Gem.
442
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:47,520
Come here. Come here.
443
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:48,600
Oh...
444
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:51,240
Look, I know...
445
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:55,840
I know your mum and your sister
aren't here, but you've got me.
446
00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:58,440
Eh?
447
00:21:58,440 --> 00:21:59,960
Come here.
448
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,400
It's all right.
449
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,120
I'm going to be a grandad.
450
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:05,280
These are happy tears!
451
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,160
They are not happy tears. Oh...
452
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:10,040
Oh, Gem.
453
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:18,200
Hey, this is exciting, isn't it?
Are you excited?
454
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,480
Eh, us living together!
455
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:21,680
Thrilled.
456
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:25,360
Yeah, love.
457
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:28,920
I really want to support you,
you know,
458
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,440
at this important time in your life.
459
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,480
I got you something,
from the garage.
460
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:34,600
Look.
461
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:39,320
Woohoo.
462
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,800
It's not for you. You know,
it's for the...
463
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:45,280
..erm, thing.
464
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,360
Hey, you might as well
leave that open, you know,
465
00:22:57,360 --> 00:22:59,720
because Derek's coming
with me duvet.
466
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,600
Oh, thanks, mate.
467
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:05,880
You're welcome, king.
468
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:11,360
Heard you're up the stick.
469
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:12,560
Lucky escape.
470
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:13,840
Who for? You or me?
471
00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:15,880
DEREK CHUCKLES BITTERLY
472
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,920
I'm trying really hard to enjoy
the company of women.
473
00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:22,080
You look lovely.
474
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:25,960
Fancy a brew? Yeah.
475
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:27,760
Good. Eh? Get the kettle on.
476
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,160
MOVIE MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS
477
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,000
TV STOPS
478
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,760
RoboCop.
479
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:47,960
Best film ever made.
480
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,680
I've seen it 15, 20 times.
481
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:52,640
And yet you still stayed
and watched it again.
482
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,120
I wanted to see if Malcolm liked it.
483
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:58,000
Best film ever made. See!
484
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,480
And that bit where they turn the guy
into the toxic sludge monster!
485
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,760
Oh, yeah. Oh, baby.
486
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:04,880
They never used to show
that bit on the telly. Yeah.
487
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,240
First time I watched RoboCop
on DVD I was like...
488
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:08,600
GERMAN ACCENT: "Oh, ja!
489
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,800
"Oh, what the fuck is this?
Oh, ja, this is amazing!"
490
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:14,000
Right, Malcolm? Yeah, amazing.
491
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,440
STOMACH GURGLES
Oh, God.
492
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:19,240
Anyway, speaking of toxic sludge...
493
00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:21,560
Oh, God.
494
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:28,360
Don't worry, I'll go in after,
make sure everything's all right.
495
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:33,600
What if everything isn't all right,
Dad?
496
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:38,560
It will be.
497
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:49,040
Oh, hey. Might be a good idea
to get some Dettol.
498
00:24:49,090 --> 00:24:53,640
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