All language subtitles for Amys.Orgasm.2001.DVDRip.x264-HANDJOB.en

I once read

that love is like an hourglass,

with the heart filling up
while the brain empties.

Now, this is my all-time
favorite quote...

You ask any of my friends,

and they'll tell you
it sums up who I am,

what I suffer from,

and why I'm doomed to never find
mature, lasting love.

My name is Amy mandell.

I'm 29 years old, Jewish,
Ivy league educated,

and as of very recently, I am a
success in my chosen field.

I'm a best-selling author in the
booming area of self-help.

You see, I tell women

how to feel complete
without men in their lives.

And as you can see, I've become
somewhat of a media sensation.

I know... things look great.

I'm pretty,
but I have cellulite on my ass,

and it's spreading down to the
bottom of my thighs.

Please sign my book.
Please sign my book.

I'm famous.

Amy!

Although I could easily be one
of those one-hit wonders

who people expect the world from
and end up with nothing.

And I'm rich.

I sold my book for, oh,
more than I care to admit.

But the problem is, you see, I'm
caught in that timeless cliché

where money not only
doesn't buy happiness,

it holds up a magnifying glass

whereby you see
your deepest emptiness,

so to say I'm rich,
and I'm still unhappy.

Oy, now what?

Thank you all for coming.
Thank you for coming.

My publicist, Janet, insists
that I see her therapist, Danny.

No, no, we're not signing.

But there's nothing
he's gonna tell me

that I don't already know.

Amy, listen to me.
You're not listening to me.

Fine.

Besides, I'm the one

with the answers to everyone
else's problems,

so I decided to take my own
shot at self-help.

I started going to confession.

Oh, yes, I know.
I'm Jewish. So what?

It's free and pretty anonymous.
I like that.

We've actually hit it off...

Me and Richard Chamberlain,
junior.

The thought of seducing
a celibate man

away from his allegiance to God

has become the fodder

for my naughtiest
pornographic fantasies.

Oh!

Yes!

Oh, yes!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Okay. I'll stop now.

I know you're probably getting a
little freaked out.

I look normal, but like everyone
else on this planet,

I'm misguided, horny,

and ultimately, just a hopeless
romantic looking to connect.

Now, wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute. Come on.

No, you have to tell us
what's going on first.

We just can't wait any longer.

Well...

You had sex.
I knew this would happen.

Oh, my God. Now, you have
to listen to me, Amy.

You are at the height
of your career.

You cannot let a man
get in the way

of everything that
we've accomplished.

Janet, stop it.

I've only been invited to speak

at the women of the millennium
march on Washington this fall.

Ahh!

That's great!

How come I didn't know
about this?

I'm your publicist,
for Christ's sake.

I never heard about this
until right this minute.

How long have you known?

Did you have sex?

Wait. We're not on that.

I'm sorry.
I was thrown. I just...

It's okay.
It's all right.

Are you using the retin-a

I told you to use
for your crow's-feet?

I told you I hate that stuff.
It burns, it dries my skin.

It doesn't matter. You looked
really shitty on "leno."

You need to use it.
Good night.

Good night.

Good night, guys.

Oh, my God, she's a crazy nut.

Did you valet?

No.

Amy, you just sold your book
for, like, a million dollars.

What are you doing?

I found a great spot on
the street. Why would I valet?

We'll walk you.

Actually, Elizabeth and I wanted
some time alone with you.

We really think you need
to get back out there.

Why? So I can find someone
to walk me to my car?

No, because you're
an amazing person,

and we don't want you
to be alone.

Yes, I'm alone,
but I'm not lonely.

Real loneliness is when
you're with someone,

and you're still alone.

There are a lot
of great women out there

who aren't in relationships

who can be alone
and still be very happy.

Sorry about that.
I just tripped on your soapbox.

Don, come on.
I don't appreciate that.

Come on. I mean, we're
your friends, not your audience.

Listen, I believe what I
write in my book, okay?

Women don't need men
to feel complete.

The more we accomplish alone,

the more we have to bring
into a relationship

when we find the right person.

But you can't just magically
find the right person.

People learn about themselves

by being in
a lot of relationships.

That's how you know when you've
found the right person.

That's right, baby.

All right, listen.

You don't
test-drive people.

It's too much wear and tear
on the soul.

I'll know when it's right,

and it hasn't been
right yet, okay?

Okay. Okay. What about sex?
I mean, people do have sex.

Sex is a logical
outgrowth of love, okay?

I mean, without love,

it's just... it just...
It just...

Oh, somebody needs to get laid.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
ooh-ohh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Be my love ♪

Sometimes, I wouldn't mind

having some strange man
break into my room

in the middle of the night and
just fuck my brains out.

As long as he was clean,
good-looking, and Jewish.

♪ Feel my love ♪

Hey, where you been?
It's been, like, weeks.

I've been doing
the talk-show circuit.

And?

And I'm a fraud, and I know

it's just a matter of time
before I'm discovered.

Why do you think
you're a fraud?

Because I have

an entire generation of young
women listening to me

when I've never had a successful
relationship in my life.

I've never even had good sex...

Well, I've had good sex,
but not great sex.

Do you know what I mean?

Uh...

The truth is, I don't even know

what a relationship is,
what it means.

And I write about it like
I do, so people listen.

I'm just lonely,
and I'm so horny.

Talk about lonely and horny.

I think you're the perfect
man for me.

That's because
you can't have me.

Did you ever read
"the Thorn birds"?

Read it?
I got the laser disc.

And you're listening to
"the Matthew starr show,"

where L.A.'s sexiest women bare
their souls and other things.

Your tits are fake, right?

My tits are fake,
but you know what, Matthew?

My ass is real.

Janet, how could you have booked
me on this guy's show?

I mean, my God.
First of all, he's a total pig.

And my tits are real.
And I won't show them to him.

So what are we gonna do
for half an hour?

That's the question everybody's
gonna be asking.

Honey, you have to do
Matthew starr's show.

He reaches 250,000 men
every single day.

We have to convince people

that you're not a Jewish,
Ivy league whiner.

You're a sexy woman.

Forget about
Matthew starr right now.

Make sure you sign these.

I want you to sign each one
indmdually, all right?

I just... i don't know why I was
even invited to do this.

I'm a self-help author,
not a freedom fighter.

Here's a list of the committee.

I'm nervous.
I don't want to go.

The women of the millennium
march will reach

every American woman
in need of self-help.

That would basically be...

Every woman in America
except me.

Women... looking at themselves,
speaking their truths.

That's what this march
is all about.

It's amazing how women are
always being presented

as using their sexuality to
either control or destroy men.

And if not that, then we're
using our sexuality to survive

as whores or trophy wives

because we're too stupid to rely
upon anything else.

Women... we're such
tricky creatures.

I mean, we espouse

sisterhood, emotional
maturity, communication.

That's what these meetings
are about.

But the truth is,
we hate each other.

How'd it go?

Great. They were
all really nice.

Oh, please.

They're a bunch of bleeding-cunt
feminists, for Christ's sake.

It's all for show.

Oh, you have that Matthew starr
interview tomorrow morning,

and next Monday,
you have the lecture at ucla.

Oh, I made you an appointment
at... this afternoon

to have your eyebrows plucked.

Everyone thinks
they need to be shaped.

Who told you that?

Everyone.

At least people are not saying
that you're too fat anymore.

And today, to keep my
listeners guessing,

we're going to go
to higher ground

with best-selling author
Amy mandell,

writer of the book
"why love doesn't work,"

and I got to tell you,

in my radio booth,
love always works.

Oh, hi. I'm Michelle.
I'm Matthew's producer.

You're Amy mandell, right?

I recognized you
from your book jacket.

Uh, Matthew is on the phone
with a girlfriend...

One of the many...
Like I'm one to talk.

Wow. You're a lot
thinner in person.

Uh, so listen, uh,

why don't you get yourself a cup
of coffee or something,

and, uh, he'll be ready
for you in a few minutes.

Amy's here...

Mandell... the writer.

Mandell?

She's out getting some coffee.

And we're on this morning

with best-selling author
Amy mandell,

writer of the book
"why love doesn't work."

So, tell me, Amy,

why doesn't love work for
a beautiful girl like you?

Well, you'll have to read
my book to find that out.

I did read your book.

And?

Well, I was expecting some
closet dyke to walk in here,

but I have to tell
the listeners,

this girl has a set of
headlights on her

to light up any man's
inner darkness...

That's right, L.A...

Amy mandell is one hot
piece of ass,

which made me start
to think, you know,

I started wondering,

do you really believe

this crap that you
write in your book,

that women are actually
happier not having sex,

or is that just
some calculated lie

to sell books to angry
women who can't get laid?

I don't say women
are happier without having sex.

I say they're happier without
having sex with jerks like you

who reduce us to
a pair of tits and ass

as soon as we enter
your sight line

and put you in touch with

your... what was it?...
Your inner darkness?

You're a high-maintenance
piece of ass, but that's okay.

Because you know I'm right.

No, because I know
you're very sexy,

and you're one colossal orgasm
just waiting to happen.

But, look, let's cut the crap.

Some Ivy league putz
screwed you over,

and now you've decided
to swear off men

and make a lmng at it
to boot... is that right?

Maybe.

But you like me, and you'll
probably think about me

when you go home tonight
and masturbate.

You're probably right.

It's a shame I could
never date you.

And why is that?

Slut, trollop, tramp, whore.

Now you're turning me on.

Those were all words
that would describe you

if you were a woman,
but you're not.

You're a man, a stud.
I don't date studs.

You don't date at all...

Repression, anger,
self-hatred, fear,

all wrapped up in a
chastity belt of baby fat.

Wait, Amy. Look, I'm sorry if I
went too far in there.

It's the nature of the show.
I didn't mean to.

Yes, you did.

Okay, only the part about
you being sexy.

I thought you were
great in there.

Look, I don't usually get guests
who are sexy and smart

and who can one-up me
like that.

It usually takes three guests.

Well, I'm glad you
enjoyed yourself.

I did...

And so did you.

Come on. I'd like
to see you again.

Why?

Because I like you,
and I'm attracted to you.

I'm attracted to you,
but I don't like you.

I don't understand that.

Read my book.
It might enlighten you.

Okay, you quote me any
passage from your book,

and if I can guess
the chapter it's from,

you give me your phone number.

Okay.

"The primary difference between
a man and a woman

"is that a man gets his
self-esteem

"when a woman says, 'yes, '

and a woman gets hers
when she says, 'no.'"

chapter 12.

I am so tense.

You're kidding me.

This is about the first time
you've been touched in how long?

All right, don't start with me
right now.

Well, it's really not normal to
keep your sexuality so precious.

You haven't been laid, let's
see, in about 25 years.

Oh, am I boring you?
Are you bored?

Oh, come on, please.

Janet, listen to me... I'm not
just gonna have sex to...

I know.
I know.

I'm not just gonna have sex to
give myself the faulty sense

that I'm experiencing I...

I can't... i can't believe you
just did that.

That's exactly what I'm
talking about.

We love each other.
It's natural.

You just had an experience.
You grew up in one second.

This is really embarrassing.
I'm not gay.

Why not?

Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

I think your book is one of
the most insightful pieces

of female psychology I've
ever read.

How can you know so much
at such a young age?

Well, I really don't know
that much.

I just write what I've
experienced.

But you're a kid.

How could you possibly
experience half

of what it would take to make
such an arrogant assumption?

You're saying women should
jump ship

and not even give love
a chance.

You have no right to write a
book like this.

It's taken me three marriages to
figure this stuff out.

And not even give love a
chance...

Oh, so it's my fault that some
psychopath tried to kill me?

What do you expect when you tell
men that women don't need them?

If I weren't your father,
I'd shoot you.

Alan, that's sick!

Honey, Sandy behr read your book
three times.

Well, she's a smart gal.

She thinks it's the best book
ever written

on contemporary relationships.

And look at all that
money you made.

Now all you need is someone to
share it with.

Mom, why does there always have
to be something missing?

Why do I always have to fall one
step short?

Why can't we just be honest
with you?

We're your parents.
We want to see you happy.

And, honey, what's the
point of success

if you don't have someone to
share it with that you love?

You think I don't know that?

Well, of course you know that.

It's not like I can just
go out there

and miraculously find
the right person.

It's not like I have
his phone number

and won't give him a call.

I don't have his phone number,
and he's not fucking listed!

What did we do wrong?

I didn't do anything wrong.

And we're back with
Shannon Steele,

national spokeswoman for saline
breast implants.

So, first I had silicone,

but then I decided they were too
hard, so I got saline,

and, oh, my God, they
are, like, so nice.

Like, I lay down,
they spread out.

They don't poke your eye out
like a torpedo.

You know, they're great.

I should show 'em to you.
You want to see 'em?

They're really...
Hello?!

Do you want to see my
tits or not?

Matthew?

Want to see my boobs?

What are you thinking about?

Chapter 12.

I don't get it.

Neither do I.

Sex is the logical outgrowth
of love.

Without love, it's an empty and
needy display of...

The primary difference between
a man and a woman

is a man gets his
self-esteem when a woman says "yes,"

and a woman gets hers when
she says "no."

Hello?

Hi, it's Matthew starr.

What are you doing tonight?

I'm going out.

Oh, do you have a date?

No, I'm going out with some
friends.

Oh.

Well, um...

I have two front-row seats

to the brahms chamber group on
Tuesday night,

and I have no one that I feel
close enough to go with.

Do you actually like
classical music,

or is this a ploy based on
chapter four?

Uh... well...

You'll just have to come out
with me Tuesday night

to find out.

Okay.

Really?

I hope these are free,
because everything else...

I met someone.

Really?

We're waiting.

He interviewed me on the radio
the other day.

Not Matthew starr.

Please tell me it's not
Matthew starr.

You know his reputation.

No.

He's after the real story.

It's the one he's gonna tell

right after she gives him a blow
job, and then she's history.

She's paranoid enough about
men as it is.

Why can't you just say,
"hey, that's great"?

Why should I say that?
It's not great.

Amy, that's great!
How old is he?

He's 37.

And how many times has he
been married?

Never!

Never.
Let's see, he's pushing 40.

He's never been married.
What do you think that means?

It means he can't commit to a
relationship.

You know how paranoid she is
about men.

Why can't you just say,
"hey, Amy, that's great"?

Like everyone.
Everyone. Everyone.

Amy mandell...
Feminist icon.

Matthew starr...
Fuck-around pig loser.

Loser. Loser.

Loser.

Wow. You know,
you got beautiful posture.

Look at me.
Look at me.

Wow.

You know, I gotta stop
one moment.

I gotta stop because you're a
very, very, very,

very beautiful woman,
and I'm telling you,

I see a lot of women.

I see a lot of women
in the afternoon,

in the morning, at night.

All the time, they come to me.

Oh, my God.
Look up a little bit.

That's it.
You're beautiful.

I saw you, and I was like...

What are you doing this
weekend?

Uh... nothing.

Ah, come on!
Como que nothing?

A beautiful woman like you alone
on the weekend in the city?

Look at me.
Look at me.

She's breaking my concentration.
What are you doing?

What are...
What is she doing?

You're freaking me out.

I'm not freaking you out!
I gotta get the cover!

But with you over there breaking
my concentration,

I'm gonna get the middle page,
maybe page number 44!

You want a cover?
You want a cover?

You go in the back.

She want a cover?
You go in the back.

He's such an asshole.

And he really needs a haircut.

I just hope he took
a good picture.

Oh, Amy, we have a really
important party tomorrow night.

I have plans.
I can't go.

What are you doing?

I'm busy.
I'm going on a date.

You're kidding me.

Oh, no, don't tell me

it's with that opportunistic
Matthew starr.

Come on, you don't
even know him.

I don't need to.
Men are all the same.

You can dress 'em up
a little differently,

but they're all run by the same
throbbing, senseless motor,

and I, for one,

will never have another one of
those in my mouth again

for as long as I live.

Thank you for sharing that.

♪ I will stop me from feeling ♪

♪ Stop me from feeling ♪

♪ Stop me from feeling the fear
of falling in love ♪

♪ Take me from this space ♪

♪ From this awful place ♪

♪ Shake me ♪

♪ I want you to shake me ♪

♪ Till I'm done ♪

♪ I am done ♪

♪ Falling in love ♪

♪ Yeah, falling in line ♪

♪ I am waiting on the
staircase ♪

♪ Waiting for my time ♪

♪ Waiting for my time ♪

♪ I am done ♪

♪ What I need is completeness ♪

♪ What I need is neatness ♪

♪ I need a messy kind of
make it up ♪

♪ As you go along ♪

♪ I need a silence full
of nothing ♪

♪ I need to love
without trying ♪

♪ Without trying to be loving ♪

♪ I am done ♪

♪ Falling in love ♪

♪ Yeah, falling in line ♪

♪ I am waiting on the
staircase ♪

♪ Waiting for my time ♪

♪ Waiting for my time ♪

♪ I am done ♪

♪ I am done ♪

Hi.

Hi.

Aren't you going to let me in?

Yes.
Come on in.

You've done well at 28.

Well, I'll be 29 next month.

Well, still you've...
You've done well.

I'm 37.
I don't own a house.

Well, it brings up a lot of
issues, owning a house.

What do you mean?

I never thought I'd buy
a house alone.

A house is something that you
share with someone.

That doesn't sound like
something you'd write

in your book.

I believe everything
that I write.

Okay.

This is my office.

Where all the brilliance
happens.

More frustration
and mediocrity.

And this is my bedroom.

Where are the brilliance
happens.

More frustration and
mediocrity.

So what happened with
your last boyfriend

that inspired you to write a
book about hating men?

My book isn't about hating men.

God, it's about women
loving themselves.

So who was he?

It was a long time ago.

I met him when I first
moved out here.

He was a writer, pretty
well-known, and I was impressed,

but when it came time
to share my goals,

he really didn't take me
too seriously.

I guess you could say
he treated me

more like a little girl
than a woman.

Except in bed, of course.

That's where it was okay
to be a woman.

So who dumped who?

I hate that word... "Dumped."

Human beings
don't dump each other.

We're not garbage.
People end relationships.

So I guess he dumped you.

Well, um...

I had a really good
time tonight.

Aah!

So what's your disorder?

What do you mean?

The last girl I went out with
was alcoholic.

The one before that was
bulimic.

Before that, anorexic.

Jesus, what does that say
about you?

That I fall for really
fucked-up women.

Well, my disorder is

that you will never find out
what my disorder is.

That's just guarded and afraid.

Everyone's like that
to some degree.

Well, the inability to share my
life with somebody.

Too general.

Everyone's afraid to let
someone in.

Well, then...

What?

I haven't had sex
in four years.

It's such a big deal for me

that having it with the
wrong person

could just really
devastate me forever,

so I don't have it.

That's my disorder...
I never have sex.

I'm a sexorexic.

So what's your disorder?

I already told you.

I always go for really
screwed-up women.

That's it?

That's it.

That's all you're gonna
give me?

Hmm. I thought I was
the guarded one.

Well, I had a really nice
time tonight.

Thank you.

Wait, wait, wait.
Let me walk you to the door.

That's okay.

Don't kiss me when we get
to the door.

I wasn't going to.

All right.

I just don't want it to be all
awkward and everything.

Understood.

Okay.

♪ Over the hills
and far away... ♪

Well, thanks again.

Good night.

Amy...

Thanks for taking
a chance on me.

♪ Get caught in the wind ♪

♪ Lost without reason ♪

♪ I got a heart, and it's
drmng me crazy ♪

Good night.

Good night.

♪ I'm never satisfied ♪

♪ I look at you,
and I see my reflection ♪

♪ In the way that you run ♪

♪ And the things that
you hide ♪

♪ Baby, come back
with just one kiss ♪

I suck.

♪ Little darling,
don't make up your mind ♪

♪ Little darling, we've
got so... ♪

Hello?

Listen, Jerry hegeman wants to
do an interview

with you tomorrow.

Are you serious?

I had to tell you, but you know
what I think.

Yes, Janet, I know what
you think.

He's so pompous, he's so
conservative,

and I'm telling you,
this is too dangerous.

I don't want you to do it.
I want you to forget it.

Book it.

Amy! Come o...

Amy? Amy! Amy!

Janet, I've made my decision.

And what's the decision?

Oh.

Hi.

So...

Why don't you come over on
Friday,

and I'll take you out
to dinner?

Um... well, I'm still waiting for
you to disclose

your disorder to me.

Yeah, and I'm still waiting for
a good-night kiss.

I'll call you later on in the
week and give you directions.

Well, wait, I didn't say
that I was...

And we're continuing with
"kiss and tell"

on "the Matthew starr
show."

Last week, I went toe to toe...

Or should I say "tit for tat"...
With one of my guests.

She agreed to go out with me,

but on this version of
"kiss and tell,"

there was no
good-night kiss.

I'm talking about that hot
little writer of "why love"...

...doesn't work."

Would you look
at those fucking tits, huh?

Nice to be here.

Thank you for coming.

Tell me...

How do you reconcile your
heightened views of romance

with your base view of
sexuality?

Well, I think that at heart,

every woman is the classic
virgin whore,

which is why we find women are
much more complex than men.

Where men are basically all
whore,

women are fighting this constant
bipolarization

that keeps them, at once, more
thoughtful

but also more neurotic,
insecure, and emotional.

That's my girl.

It boils down to this, Jerry...
We all want hot, nasty sex.

Oh.

Not just men.
Women want that, too.

It's the context of that sex

that separates us from
each other,

that makes us different
creatures.

For example...

I met his guy last night
at a party,

and we went back to his place

and had the most
unbelievable sex.

I don't even know his name!

You whore.

But for a man, you never hear a
man say, "I had bad sex."

I met this girl last night at a
party... gorgeous girl...

And we went back to my place and
had unbelievable sex,

but the best part is I don't
even know her name.

Man, that's fantastic, dude.

You're a go-getter.

For a man, any type of sex
is good,

even if it's with some girl
that they despise.

Well, why is that?

Because the part of sex that's
linked to man's self-esteem

is the act of conquest.

That's how he's been brought up
since he was a child,

but for a woman, it's whole
different thing.

For a woman, sex is healthy

only when the man falls in love
with her afterwards.

I think you're a lesbian.

All of this work,
all of these things,

moving towards understanding men
and women better,

maybe all of that

is just you avoiding...

Your own uncomfortable...
Sexuality.

Jerry, I don't think I'm a
lesbian,

because when I fantasize, I
fantasize about sucking dick.

I like her.

I can't believe that you said
"sucking dicks" on the air.

What were you thinking?

No wonder somebody tried to
shoot you!

Oh, please.

Amy, this is not the image of
you we're trying to create.

I'm not trying to create an
image, Janet.

I'm trying to be honest
with the public.

While you're being honest
with the public,

you're trashing my reputation.

Miss mandell?

You know what?
It's always about you.

I feel like it's just always
about you!

This is so ridiculous.

How dare you?
Don't you insult me!

Do you have any idea how much I
do for you?!

Do you know how many
people hate you?

And what are the
critics saying?

They're saying "pubescent
whining,"

and one of them says you're
bottom-heavy.

Nope, I never told you because I
protect you.

I protect you and your precious,
precious ego.

My ego.

All you care about is yourself.

Well, fine, if you feel
that way,

then you get yourself another
publicist.

This has nothing to do
with this interview!

It's about what
happened the other day!

What?

Don't pretend you don't know
what I'm talking about.

What are you talking...
The other day when I kissed you?

Oh, you're kidding.
Honey, I just did that for you.

I can get any woman that
I want.

Can I watch?

Oh, fuck off.

I don't even think you want me.

You did it to control me,
to embarrass me.

Can we not be so
self-involved?

But it's true.
You know I'm not gay.

But did you even consider my
feelings for one instant?

No, all you feel
is some bizarre rejection

at not getting something
that you didn't even want.

It must be really nice to have
all the answers to life

while you're really busy not
lmng it.

Good luck, sweetheart.

Laney, I need that bio!

Do you have a problem?

No, but half our callers will

when they find out you're
dating Amy mandell.

You like it?

Oh, God, they're amazing.
You are so talented.

Oh, thank you.

Listen, when are you gonna come
with me on my boat?

I'm seeing someone.

♪ There's a big sky over my head
tonight... ♪

It's okay. It's okay.
It's okay.

Because you find one guy.
He's good to you.

You know, he's happy,
you're happy, I'm happy.

It's okay.

But if this guy, one time, he's
not good to you,

you come to me.

♪ Somewhere to run out
and lose my breath ♪

♪ And feel a sweat ♪

♪ Against the thunder ♪

♪ Oh, the thunder of your heart
pounding against me ♪

♪ Lift ♪

♪ Me up to your big sky ♪

Wow.

This is great.

Let me show you the rest
of the place.

And this is my bedroom.

It's a great bed.

Hard as a rock.

Frustration and mediocrity?

No, more brilliance.

Come on.

I think you need a drink.

A Martini would be great.

Ohh...

Cheers.

Cheers.

I think you're going to
have to kiss me later.

So tell me about your family.

What do you want to know?

Are you close?

Close... um...

My father and I talk.

And what about your mother?

We don't speak.

And just because I have a shitty
relationship with my mother

doesn't mean I hate women.

I didn't say it did.

But, you know, your mom's
never gonna change.

You're the one who has to
reach out

and make the effort to
change things.

Look, I know this sounds
horrible, but the way I see it,

you don't choose your family.

You're stuck with them.

You choose your friends,
your lovers.

It's God's second chance of
letting you fix everything

that was fucked up in your
childhood.

Yeah, but your lovers are just
an extension of your parents,

and if you don't heal your rift
with your mom,

you're gonna replay the same
drama with all your girlfriends.

This is a date.

It's not therapy.

Is there a difference?

Thanks.

Well, I should...
I should go home now.

Okay, I'll walk you
to your car.

Don't worry.
I won't try and kiss you.

Well, actually, I'd
like to come in.

Okay.

I'm glad you like to drink.

Oh, I like to drink,
I like to eat...

Yeah.

But no sex, huh?

Well... only with the
right person.

I think I'm as paranoid about
marriage as you are of sex.

I'm not paranoid about sex.

I just think it's important.

They say for a man, marriage is
the death of desire,

and that for a women, sex is the
end of romance,

which is why friendship is so
desirable.

God, here I go.
I'm writing my next book.

I'm sorry.

You're very cute.

I'm really scared to kiss you.

♪ Oh, Louis ♪

♪ Oh, Louis ♪

♪ Oh, Louis ♪

♪ Oh, Louis ♪

♪ In your arms I'm longing
to be ♪

♪ Longing to be ♪

♪ Mmm, baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Tell me you love me ♪

♪ Tell me you love me ♪

♪ Kiss me once while the stars
shine above me ♪

♪ Shine above me ♪

♪ Hey, hey, Louis ♪

♪ Hey, Louis ♪

♪ Oh, Louis ♪

♪ Oh, Louis ♪

♪ In your arms I am
longing to be ♪

♪ Longing to be ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Tell me you love me ♪

♪ Tell me you love me ♪

♪ Hey, Louis ♪

♪ Hey, Louis ♪

♪ Hey, Joe, come here, boy ♪

♪ Wail, Louis ♪

♪ Wail, Louis, wail, Louis ♪

♪ Wail, Louis, wail, Louis
wail, Louis, wail, Louis ♪

♪ Wail, Louis, wail, Louis ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

Oh!

Whoo!

Are you okay?

Y-yeah.

Wow.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Don't think.

Just pretend you're one of
those sluts in a porn film.

Fuck his brains out.

Fuck his brains...
Fuck his brains out

give him a blow job.

But don't have sex with him.
Just give him a blow job.

Okay.

I wonder if it would be selfish

if I just had him
go down on me.

♪ Wail, Louis ♪

♪ Keep all your vanity ♪

Ow.

I haven't had sex in such
a long time.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Mmm.

Ahh...

♪ I've got you ♪

♪ Under my skin ♪

♪ I've got you ♪

♪ Deep in the heart of me ♪

♪ So deep in my heart ♪

What happened?

I had sex last night.

Let me guess...

That guy that you wouldn't even
let kiss you good night.

Yeah.

Did you use protection?

That's a long story,
but let me tell you,

we didn't have intercourse, so
that was not a problem.

Well, then, you you
didn't really have sex.

Oral sex.
Trust me, that's sex.

I mean, for a woman, I think
it's the best sex.

Not that I can speak
for all women,

but it's a fact that the
clitoris is the female penis,

which makes sense that oral sex
for a woman is intercourse.

Could you just
keep it down a notch?

Anyway, I've been crying
all day long.

I am so afraid.

What are you afraid of?

That he'll lose interest now
that he has me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just 'cause he kinda had sex
doesn't mean he has you.

Yes, it does.
The power has shifted.

Men are constantly on their best
behavior while in pursuit,

but once they get what they
want, the struggle is over.

They move on.

You want to know something?
No, no, no.

Assholes move on, okay?
Can I just say that?

You know who moves on?
Assholes move on, okay?

And if this guy's an asshole...

And I guess we haven't figured
out if he is an asshole...

But if he is an asshole, then
you know something?

You are way better
off without him.

How many times did I just say
"asshole"?

It doesn't take much for
any guy to know

he's supposed to call the day
after, okay?

Maybe he's waiting for
me to call.

If he is, that's bullshit,
because he's a guy.

He knows he's supposed to call.

Why are you making her
more upset?

It's only 7:00.
He'll call.

I know, I know.
I know he's gonna call.

I'm just saying I would always
call a girl after a date.

I'd do it in a cute way so it
wasn't awkward.

I'd call the girl and say,
"hey, is two hours too soon

"to say that I had
a great time?

I'd like to do it again."
It was cute.

You never did that with me.

Sure, I did.

No, you didn't.

I did.

No, you didn't.

Of course I...
Let's not do this now, okay?

I mean, this is Amy's time.

She opened up to
someone tonight,

and that is a very big
step for her, right?

You have no messages.

Oh, I should have turned
off the light.

I should have known as soon as
he got a look at my ass,

it would be a deal breaker.

Oh, God, that's so fucked up.

If my ass is a deal breaker,
then he's not for me.

Fuck him and his passive games.

I hate men.

Ah! Amy mandell, I can't believe
you came to my party!

Everyone?
Everyone, this is Amy mandell,

the writer of
"why love doesn't work."

Oh, you have lost weight!

It's cherry Goldstein
from dartmouth.

How are you?

I love your book...
"Why love doesn't work."

"Why love doesn't work"!
"Why love doesn't work"!

I read your book three times.

I love that chapter on...

It doesn't take much for
any guy to know

he's supposed to call
the day after,

and if not, I'm sorry,
he's a schmuck.

Maybe he's waiting for
me to call.

That's horse shit!

I gotta make a call.
I'll be right back.

All right.

Hello?

Hello?

Amy.

Hi.

I've been thinking about
you all day.

Did you get my e-mail?

I couldn't wait to see you.

Power... the single woman
in the '90s,

women who have achieved without
being in a couple

and are still seen as sexy and
desirable.

I mean, what is more current
than that?

Since this is your area of
expertise, Amy,

what are your thoughts?

Mmm! Mmm!

Uh, Amy?

Amy...

Amy...

Amy...

Amy...

Amy?

What are your thoughts
on the subject?

It was already happening.

A few orgasms, and I was losing
brain cells by the second.

Amy mandell?

Michael Hendricks from
the L.A. times.

I still can't get your book out
of my head.

I read passages to my
daughter all the time.

She just loves it.

Oh, well, your review was
really helpful.

Whatever I can do.

Oh!

I'm just a member of the
frustrated book-reading public.

When I find a pearl amidst the
swine, I champion it.

Thank you.
Thank you.

It's good to see you.

Sure, you bet.

Good bye.

♪ Whoo Whoo ♪

♪ Whoo Whoo ♪

♪ Riding on the train de Amor ♪

♪ Whoo Whoo ♪

♪ Whoo Whoo ♪

♪ riding on the train de Amor ♪

♪ let's get together ♪

Excuse me, didn't I see you
on a talk show?

You wrote that book?

Yeah.

Honey, she wrote that book I was
telling you about,

the one that says relationships
can't survive

in today's society.

You wrote that book?

Well, you might as well put
poison on the shelves,

because that's what you're
spreading... poison.

We have a very happy
relationship.

But I bet you think
it won't last.

Oh, of course she doesn't think
it's gonna last.

You know what?
Do me a favor.

Just because you can't find a
lasting relationship,

don't doom the rest of us,
okay?

And earlier today, Amy mandell,
flavor of the minute,

and author of that
pop-psychology phenomenon...

Oh, God.

I am so embarrassed.

Now, these people witnessed it.

Can you tell us what happened?

Uh, well, I just told her that I
hated her book,

and she just blacked out.

Baby, you didn't even
read the book.

He makes me do all the reading.

I do not.

Yes, you do!

And when do I even have
time to read?

I'm too busy supporting you and
your prescription-drug habits!

You just said that on the news,
you cock sucker!

Because of this, your sales are
gonna double on the book.

You sound like Janet.

Amy's place.

Yeah, hold on.

It's for you.

Hello?

Hi, it's Matthew.

Are you free Friday night?

Yeah.

I told my brother a lot
about you,

and he really wants
to meet you.

Great, I'll be there.

Bye.

So, when am I gonna meet him?

When I'm secure enough to
put him to the test

of another man's opinion.

Oh, that's pathetic.

I know.

Mmm.

You smell good.

This is for you.

Thank you.

Please, come on in.

Hi, you must be Amy.
I'm Tina.

Hi.

This is Mike.

Hello.

Um, I'm gonna go check
on the pasta.

So, Matthew gave me
your book to read.

Did you like it?

Not really.
Butter?

I liked it.

What didn't you like?

Well, it's sort of
hypocritical.

Mike, please,
she doesn't need...

It's okay.
It's okay.

What do you mean hypocritical?

You're dating my brother,
of all people.

That kind of makes it hard to
take anything you say seriously.

Just ignore him.

Well, I think your brother's a
great guy.

How well do you know him?

A lot better than you in a
much shorter time.

Well, when you make it to the
4-month mark, let me know.

I'll get you a free suite at
Caesars Palace.

I used to bartend there.

Yeah, that's his big
claim to fame.

Hey, Amy, I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.

The putz on the radio,

the alter ego who loves fake
tits and dumb sluts,

that's the real Matthew starr,
always has been.

What do you think of that?

Mike...

Stop being a jerk.

I guess Matt should be
congratulated.

Most of the girls he asks us to
have dinner with

can't even read,
let alone write.

Excuse me.

I can't help it.
He hurt my feelings.

Look, I know my brother's a
jerk.

I just... i thought it would
better for you to meet him

sooner rather than later, just
get it over with.

That's a painful subject for
you, isn't it?

Yeah, I guess it is.

My whole family's screwed up.

I'm the normal one, if you can
believe that.

I can believe it.

I think you turned out
pretty great.

Thank you.

I love you, Matthew.

I know.

Just 'cause he didn't say it
doesn't mean he doesn't.

No, I said it too soon.
I fucked up.

You said it when you felt
like saying it.

Would you stop
second-guessing yourself?

Oy.

I can't take this anymore.

You are bright.
You're honest.

You're pretty.

Maybe you're just with a big
fucking pussy who can't commit.

Big fucking news.

How many times have you slept
with this guy?

I don't even need to know.

And all this time, he can't even
say "I love you"?

I got news for you.

Two words...
"Intimacy problem"!

If you couldn't have sex
with this guy,

would you even be with him?

Well, obviously, you haven't
read my book.

It's a yes-or-no question.

I'm ready.

I just want to see if they can
make this field goal.

...left on the clock, trailing
by three...

Why'd you do that?

Well, that's a... that's a
very clingy dress.

What, does it make me look fat?

No, no, no, you look great.

It's just, you know,

why are you trying to attract
the attention of other men?

Because maybe you don't make me
feel sexy.

Maybe I do need other men to
look at me

because you don't, don.

If we were stying home tonight,

you wouldn't even notice my
dress.

Okay, can we start over?

Can we... I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm sorry.
Come here.

Come here.
Come here.

How could I not notice you?

How could I not notice
this dress?

You look beautiful.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.
Come here.

Can you do me a favor?

What?

Please go change.

I love your show.
I listen to it all the time.

Thank you.

No, really, every morning
on my way to work.

So, it must be exciting

interviewing all those
centerfolds all the time.

It used to be.

Now they all seem sort of boring
after I interviewed Amy.

That was such a great show.

I really think that was
your best show.

You know, honey, you hardly ever
listen to the show,

so, um, how would you
really know?

You know, I-i need to get
some fresh air.

I'm sorry.
She's been so sensitive lately.

Well, don, you were just
a total asshole.

I'll be right back.

I'm just gonna make
sure she's okay.

You know, I think it's always
important

to show your very worst side

when meeting someone for the
first time.

Don't worry about it.

You know, uh...

Amy likes you.

I know.

No, no, I mean...

You know, she really likes you.

Trust me, the feeling's mutual.

She makes me feel...

She makes me feel.

I look at Amy and Matthew, and I
see what we once had,

and it's gone.

Honey, nothing is gone.
What they have is new love.

By definition, it is what it is
because it's new,

and how can it be new
when it's,

you know, it's old?

How's the speech coming?
I'm blocked.

She's spending all her time with
that schmuck twice her age.

He's not twice my age, daddy.

Besides, how am I ever gonna
write about love

if I don't experience it?

You wrote about it before
without experiencing it.

That's not true.

I had a brief,
very passionate affair

that ignited the first book.

It was a one-night stand.
Don't be so melodramatic.

It wasn't a one-night stand.
It was one long weekend.

I don't know why I'm so
honest with you.

All you ever do is throw it
right back in my face.

Nobody's throwing anything
back in your face.

We're your parents.
We owe it to you to be honest.

Not if honesty is mean and
hurtful

and causes your children to
build so many fucking walls

they can't experience
adult life.

Amy...

Alan!

What did I do?

She's emotional, just like you.

I hope you don't mind.
I'm trying to be more impulsive.

If I knew you were coming over,

I wouldn't have just
jacked off.

You want a beer or something?

Uh...

No thanks.

Do you Jack off a lot?

What's a lot?

I don't know.
Do you do it every day?

Yeah, I do it a lot.

God, that makes me feel like I
don't satisfy you.

Of course you satisfy me.
It has nothing to do with you.

I'm crazy about you.

Yeah, but, I-i-i don't...

I don't do it anymore
'cause I have you.

I can't stop thinking about it.

I just can't get these images
out of my head,

these images of three blond
girls with strap-on dildos

on some beach in Hawaii.

That's what I keep seeing,

and when I masturbate,
I only think of him.

Hello?

He's gonna cheat on me.
He's gonna leave me.

I'll never be able to fulfill

his most primal sexual
fantasies.

I can't be the college girl,

the redhead with monstrous tits
and natural crimson pubic hair,

the blond model... higher
than my I.Q.

He'll get sick of me and my
complex emotional needs.

He won't be able to get hard,
and he'll hate me for it.

God, I wish I never met him.

So you feel that in a
relationship,

a sexually satisfied man will
abstain from masturbation?

Yes.

Clearly, you have some
detractors.

Uh, what do you say we open up
the room to some questions?

Sure.

Yes, sir?

I've been happily married
for 23 years,

and I masturbate regularly.

I've never had an affair,
but if I didn't have

a mental-fantasy outlet, my
marriage would die.

You're holding men up to an
impossible and dangerous ideal.

Why dangerous?

Because you're putting a value
judgment on masturbation.

You're saying it fills a void
when actually,

it adds to a healthy sex life.

Sexual fascist!

I just have my opinions,
like anybody else.

If we have to rely on fantasy
while in the presence

of another human being,
then something's wrong.

Thank you.

Is masturbating in front of your
partner all right?

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Well, something's wrong.

Nothing's... wrong.

I just... i resent
what you did yesterday.

That was so clearly personal.

My friends were watching that.

Matthew, this is the stuff I
write about.

Our private life is no one's
business.

You can find someone else to be
your Guinea pig.

Matthew, I'm sorry.

But this is how I work my
problems out.

It's the only way I know.

I write about it.
I talk about it.

I dissect it.
I obsess over it.

At least I deal with it.

I deal with it.

Airing it in front of a room
full of strangers

is not dealing with it!

Well, at least I don't come on
to porno stars on the radio.

At least I know it's for show.

You actually take yourself
seriously.

Matthew.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Caroline.

Amy.

You look good, Matt.

You never tell me about
your past.

You never tell me what painful
things have happened to you

to put you close
to 40 years old

and still unable to share your
life with anyone.

What do you want to know?

Anything.

Tell me about your past
relationships.

Tell me about the other girls
you've been with.

Well, I guess I should get back
in line before I lose my place.

It was good to meet you, Amy.

Bye, ttam.

Ttam?

"Matt" spelled backwards.

Who was she?

Look, can we just go see
the movie?

No, I'm not in the mood
to see the movie.

Who was she?

An old girlfriend, but
you knew that.

Did she dump you?

I don't know.
I don't remember.

Matthew, why won't you open up
about this stuff to me?

Last time I opened up to you,

you talked about it on
television.

This is a woman you were
involved with.

It's important.

No, it's not.

She meant nothing to me then.
She means less to me now.

Well,
then why were you with her?

I don't know.

We had things in common.
We had fun.

We had great sex.

She's really thin.
I really like that about her.

She's tall and lean and thin.
You're fat.

You got a big fat Jewish ass.

It was a long time ago.

You're what's important, okay?
You.

Nothing else matters.

That's in the past, and that's
why it's in the past.

Amy...

What?

If a really gorgeous woman...

I mean, the most physically
beautiful woman imaginable...

Pursued you on a business trip,
what would you do?

That would never happen to me.

What do you mean that would
never happen to you?

Things like this are scenarios
thought up by insecure women

in order to get the men who love
them... me...

Into trouble
by saying the wrong thing,

when in fact, it's just a
hypothetical situation.

Why do you always do that?

Why can't you just say,

"I love you, and no woman could
ever tempt me"?

Why can't you let me
say it own my own

without having to pull it
out of me?

I'm not always gonna say
what you want me to say

whenever you want me to say it.

I do love you, and no woman
could ever tempt me,

and if you don't know that
without me having to say it...

Okay.

Hmm?

Okay.

Now I'll give you a blow job.

That's worth waking up for.

I-I have a stomachache.

I'm so horny right now.

I just don't feel good,
Amy, okay?

Come on.

Look, look,
try to understand, okay,

that when we talk about my past
girlfriends

and failed relationships
and you grill me over a spit,

it takes away my sex drive.

Okay.

This is exactly what I'm
talking about.

I'm trying to communicate
with you,

and you just roll over, and you
distance me.

It's been three months,

and I'm telling you,
there's no depth.

Every time I try to get inside
of him, he puts up a wall,

and I end up feeling guilty.

Seems like he's stimulating your
mind a lot less

than he's stimulating your...
What'd you call it?

Female penis.

Well, I have a unique talent

for being uniquely
untalented at love.

You have a unique talent for
having bad taste in men.

You know, I don't think we
should do this anymore.

You're so negative lately.
It's weird.

I'm trying so hard to
make this work,

and I feel like I come in here
and you've just been...

Forget it.

You know, it's just not
working out anymore.

Are you dumping me?

Hi.

Hi.

And how are you?

I'm great.

How are things going with him?

Matthew?

Yeah.

T-they're good.

Love sucks, doesn't it?

I miss you.

You're just nervous about the
women's march.

Why do you have to do that?
Why did you do that?

Why can't you just say,
"Amy, I miss you, too."

Because you don't get to write
all the parts.

No, you do.

I don't even know why
I came here.

All right.
All right, I...

I-I have to get that.

Yeah?

I told you to get back
to me last week.

Alison's not available.
Yeah, I...

But I... but I could maybe
get you Amy mandell.

All right, well, then I'll
back to you.

I'll do it.

Yes, I think maybe I could.
I could make that work out.

Yeah, I'll call you.

Okay, you're going
on the radio tomorrow.

And I miss you.

You're such a pain in the ass.

Love.
What is it?

It's what we feel for children.

It's what we feel for our
parents.

It's what we feel for our
puppies.

But for men and women?
No.

It's just sex dressed up as love
so that we can give ourselves

some sort of meaning in our
empty and wounded lives.

Folks, it's what we
feel for our puppies.

I'm sorry, you gotta love
this woman.

San Diego, what's on your mind?

I got news for you,
Ms. mandell.

No one gives a shit about what
you have to say.

You're just a big hypocrite,
a big fraud.

You probably don't
believe your own lies.

You know what?
You're probably right.

If you're dating that
misogynistic pig Matthew starr,

all you must really want is a
big dick and a good fuck!

We need to evacuate
the building immediately.

There's been a bomb threat.

What?

Everybody out!
Now!

Got a paramedic?

I'm sorry.

Why?

I'm sorry for being such a
controlling bitch.

Oh, honey.

Oh, my God, we've been
worried sick about you.

Your mother thinks it's time

to stop doing the interview
circuit.

Are these insane ideas worth
risking your life for?

The bomb squad is here, for
God's sake!

What would your father and I do

if something happened to you?

Hi.
I'm Matthew.

Oh. Huh.

Well, can't you talk some sense
into her, then,

get her to stop doing these
stupid interviews?

How the hell you think she met
him in the first place?

My parents are nuts.

They're cute.

But maybe...

Maybe they're right.

Maybe you should stop doing
these interviews.

What do you mean?

You don't even believe half the
stuff you're saying anymore.

I embarrass you, don't I?

No, the only thing
that embarrasses me

is that I love a woman

who tells the world that love
doesn't work.

Oh, honey, you need your sleep.

All that violence made
me horny.

Yeah, but, Amy, I'm worried
about you.

I'm not gonna suppress my voice

because some psychopath with a
small dick doesn't like me.

What if it's a woman?

Why do you always have to take
the other side?

To keep you on your toes.

Look, this lunatic, he or she,

is not gonna ruin the rest of
our night.

Okay?

No, no, no.

I'm exhausted, okay?

I need to sleep.

Good night.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Actually, there is something
wrong.

Talk to me.

I don't think you're attracted
to me anymore.

Amy, come on, that's insane.

So why don't you want to make
love as much as we used to?

What are you talking about?
We have sex all the time.

I remind you of your mother,
don't I?

Oh, my God.

I'm controlling, and you are
getting tired of me.

You know, I feel like a
goddamn laboratory animal

under your microscope.

Why can't you just
accept the fact

that we have a great
relationship

and everything
is actually okay?

Why does everything have
to be about you?

It's not working out.

What are you doing?

It's not working out.

It's never gonna work out.

I belong alone.
Isn't that what I preach?

I don't need you rejecting me
and putting down my work

and making me feel like shit.

For what, regular orgasms?

I can eat a pint of ice cream

and watch a different porn film
every night.

Maybe you should go to therapy.

Oh, fuck off.

I ignored my own advice,
and I'm paying for it.

I have no idea how old this is,

but go ahead,
knock yourself out.

Thanks.
You look great.

As opposed to what?

You always look great.

It's just that you
look so much...

Younger, thinner.

So now you want me?
Well, it's too late.

I met someone.

Is she gay?

Fuck you.

Janet gaines.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Oh, what time is it?

Oh, yeah, I was gonna leave in
about 20 minutes.

Yeah, Amy mandell stopped by.
Just business.

Yeah, me too.

I know.

Later?

Okay.

All right, doll.
Love you.

Bye.

Isn't she great?

How do you know?

How do you know if it's
gonna last?

Oh, Amy.
No guarantees upfront.

But you know, that's the good
thing about being a smart woman.

You can tell the good ones
from the bad ones.

I don't think I'm that smart.

I think you're right.
You're probably not very bright.

And you're extremely fat.

Oh, I'm such an asshole.

And exhausting.

But how do I know, Janet?

You just take your best guess,
and you go with it.

And don't you dare say
"I told you so"

when I call you
six months from now

and tell you that she's pregnant
and lmng in Westchester.

You know what?
There is no right or wrong.

You had needs, and they weren't
being met, right?

It's important for a woman
to feel understood.

Okay? Desired.

You have to be with someone
who bolsters your self-esteem.

Well, it's important
for a man, too.

It's more important for
a woman.

Women are very vulnerable in
today's society.

Well, I couldn't disagree
with you more.

Of course you couldn't.

Will you please stop it?
I know you love each other.

Why do you always have
to prove me right

about my nasty, bullshit
theories about relationships?

I need an example.
Give me a good example.

Look how cute she is.
Should we give her an example?

I think we should give
her an example.

You have no messages.

You have no messages.

No messages.

No messages.

You have no messages!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

You have one message.

Hi, Amy. It's Amy.

Thanks a lot for
putting me back at square one.

That's right...
You belong alone.

Who needs a flesh-and-blood,
fallible human being

to complicate your life
further?

Why is there a section in every
bookstore

on women understanding men
understanding women

understanding bullshit?

"I know shit...
Amy mandell."

Anyway, men have it the best.
They don't have to be in love.

They can bide their time
waiting for love

by fucking around and orgasming
their way into oblmon

until miss right shows up.

But women?
Look at us.

We're trying to beat a clock of
impending cellulite and despair

all the while hoping that
that great guy we just blew

doesn't turn out to be a
schmuck.

I mean, face it... an orgasm
lasts a split second,

but heartbreak lasts a
lifetime.

Oh, my God.
I am losing my mind.

I do need to go to therapy.
I need to talk to someone.

I need to read my own book.

God, I promise
I'll go back to synagogue

if you just give me a sign.

Amy mandell?

Of course, you don't
recognize me.

Uh, all right, let me
give you a hint.

You once said you thought I was
the perfect man for you.

Father?!

Yeah!
Well, no, no, no.

I got canned.

Oh, what happened?

Oh...

Some asshole from the
archdiocese

came to visit the parish.

He was eavesdropping
on one of our sessions.

I think it was the one

about the clitoris being the
female penis.

Actually, you know what it was?

It was the three blond chicks
with the dildos.

That pushed him over the edge.
That's what they get off on.

I am so sorry.

No, no, no, it was the best
thing that ever happened to me.

I had a little time
on my hands.

I read your book, and can I
confess something to you?

The girl who's preaching in that
book isn't half the woman

who came into my booth and was
searching for her own answers.

I think you gotta let it go.
Just let it go.

You just gotta pretend you're in
the booth talking to me.

You're gonna be surprised how
many people you reach.

We're back live with the
millennium march.

Our next speaker, the youngest
speaker here,

has given young women
a whole new way

of approaching relationships
and themselves.

She says we don't need men
to be complete.

We need ourselves.

Let's give a warm welcome
to Amy mandell!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, it's such an honor
to be here,

especially with so many
of the women

I have admired my entire life.

Um...

When I first started
writing my speech,

I realized it wasn't anything
different

than you've already read
in my book.

So I thought,

"well, what can I say that they
haven't already heard?"

And I realized it was simple.

I wanted to tell everyone
that...

I'm a liar.

I mean, I definitely believe

everything that I write
in my book,

but the truth is, I had no
experience of love...

Real love.

And sex?

Well, I didn't even have sex
until I was 26 years old,

and it was in the context of a
one-month relationship,

and I never even had an orgasm.

Oh, God.

This kid just can't get
out of her own way.

Well, I had a physical orgasm,
but not a mental one,

where you let someone inside and
you really see yourself.

That's the elusive orgasm we're
all really seeking.

Well, a few months ago,
I met a man.

And I really think I'm
in love with him.

And the only thing that's
getting in the way of it

is my stupid idea that love
doesn't work

and that any sort of compromise
means a death of self,

instead of the opposite,
finding a new self,

one that can admit it needs
love to feel alive.

I need love...

Like water...

Like food.

I need it to survive as a
healthy person

instead of some martyr who
thinks self-starvation

is some chic political idea

because I have nothing else to
stand for.

Love does work.

And women need men to feel
complete.

That's what makes women
so much smarter than men

in the first place.

We still love you, Amy!

My name is Amy mandell.

I'm 29 years old, Jewish,
and single.

My name is Amy mandell.

I'm 35 years old,
Jewish, and single.

My name is Amy mandell.

I'm 40 years old...

Jewish...

And alone and lonely.

Hi.

Hi.

I liked your speech.

Oh, you heard it?

How you doing?

I'm good.

I'm busy, but I'm good.
I'm good.

Mmm.

Well, I'd like to take you out
to dinner sometime

if you're not too busy.

But... you seem
pretty busy.

Yeah.

No.

To be honest with you,

I spend most of my time
lying in bed

remembering what it
was like to be with you

and how much I miss that.

That keeps me really busy.

You haven't changed.

No.

But I'm ready to.

I'm really ready.

So am I.

Thank you all for coming.

Thank you.

Actually, I don't think
people change.

They emerge.
I read that in a book.

I didn't write it,
unfortunately,

but I think it's true.

In retrospect,
people think they've changed,

but they really haven't.

Not that I'm not changing.
I am, I re...

♪ I want to thank you for making
me look inside myself ♪

♪ The colors of my soul ♪

♪ Are bleeding into black and
shades of gold ♪

♪ Well, I can hide from the
thoughts that creep ♪

♪ That creep
into my daily life ♪

♪ And I'm not asking for you ♪

♪ To share in this ♪

♪ Well, I don't need for you
to bear ♪

♪ Any unnecessary risk ♪

♪ So I pray for ♪

♪ For maybe one day ♪

♪ I'll break down those walls ♪

♪ I built around me ♪

♪ I pray ♪

♪ Then I pray ♪

♪ And so I pray for ♪

♪ For maybe one day ♪

♪ I'll break down those walls ♪

♪ I built around me ♪

♪ I pray ♪

♪ And I pray ♪

♪ And the answer ♪

♪ Lord knows
I'm never satisfied ♪

♪ And I look at you,
and I see my reflection ♪

♪ In the way that you run ♪

♪ And the things that you hide ♪

♪ Baby, come back
with just one kiss ♪

♪ Little darling,
don't make up your mind ♪

♪ Little darling,
well, we've got so much time ♪

♪ Little darling ♪

♪ There's coals on this fire ♪

♪ And I know
that we will love again ♪

♪ In the wind,
there's no voice of return ♪

♪ No words of love that I could
discern ♪

♪ In this city,
I feel so alone ♪

♪ Though I'm surrounded by
so many I know ♪

♪ I've got a boyfriend,
and he's drmng me crazy ♪

♪ Lord knows
he's never satisfied ♪

♪ And I look at him,
and I see his reflection ♪

♪ In the way that I run ♪

♪ And the things that I hide ♪

♪ I must confess ♪

♪ That I need your kiss ♪

♪ Little darling,
don't make up your mind ♪

♪ Little darling,
well, we've got so much time ♪

♪ Little darling ♪

♪ There's coals on this fire ♪

♪ And I know ♪

♪ Little darling ♪

♪ There's coals on this fire ♪

♪ And I know
that we will love again ♪