All language subtitles for American.Dad.S20E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10

We interrupt this static
with breaking news.

Langley's arena football team,
the Bazooka Sharks,

have announced
they are leaving Langley Falls.

No.

I poured so much love
into the Sharks.

What will I do now?

No, no, no!

We must do something!

We must write a rap!

Outta my way, babe.

I gotta write a rap
to save the Bazooka Sharks!

Cool beans, babe.

I'm off to class.
See you dick-a-licks later.

Wait a minute,
why are you so happy?

- You hate school.
- I used to,

but I have this new
creative writing professor,

and he is so inspiring.

It's like
he lit a fire inside me.

- They're banging, right?
- For sure.

That, or it's Roger.

Well, I'm off to shape the
soft clay minds of our youth.

Told you it was Roger.

I'll see you in class, Hayley.

Your inspiring professor
is Roger?

Are you serious?

I was skeptical, too,

but there's something different
about this persona.

He's passionate
and engaged.

You know,
it sounds crazy,

but I think Roger
is his best self

when he's
Professor Longbottom.

Hey, is Mom okay?

She's just bugging out because
the Sharks are leaving town.

Oh, wait.
I think her twitch

is saying something
in Morse code.

Never...

gonna...

give you up?

♪ Never gonna give you up ♪

♪ Never gonna let you down ♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

I can't make you crash today, Stan.

I've got class.

Football, huh?

Well, I was only going to work
to hit the flagpole.

Does anyone know why we're
having class outside today?

What does every classroom
have?

- Desks?
- A pet hamster?

Posters of Abraham Lincoln?

Correct.
But also completely wrong.

The correct answer
I'm looking for is "walls."

Ah.

I hate walls.

Walls are
the physical manifestation

of the walls we put up
inside our minds

that stop us
from becoming writers.

Me? "Writers"?

I'd like to talk today
about Old Faithful,

the geyser in Wyoming.

Old Faithful fills
with boiling water.

The same way your mind fills
with ideas for writing.

Like Old Faithful,
you have to erupt onto the page.

Speaking of erupting,

Hayley Smith is getting
her short story published

in Groff's literary zine.

I got into Soul Puddles?

Yes. Your piece,
An Alien in My Attic,

will be out Friday.

An irresponsible story
to write,

but I am very,
very proud of you.

Damn, Professor L-B
loves you.

I can't get over
what a good teacher you are.

And I can't get over the fact
that I'm riding a bike

this speed
and not falling over.

You walk slow.

Dad?
What are you doing here?

I found something to replace
the Bazooka Sharks.

I'm a Groff
football booster now.

Hey, we're all doing
Groff stuff. That's great.

It would be, except the team
hasn't won a game

in three years.

We need
a new offensive line.

Hey, isn't Steve always
hanging around with a big boy?

I gotta go.

Stan in a polo shirt.

His gut sticks out,
but his arms look like pythons.

Break some off for me.

Not that I would.
He's family.

Roger,
I want to say thank you.

Your inspiration
gave me the courage

to write that story.

I just did what
any great professor does--

nurse a red-wine hangover
while pretending to care

about whatever my hottest
student was talking about.

Not you, obviously.

You're family.

"Old Faithful: a novel
by Dickens Longbottom."

You're writing a novel?

It's nothing,
just your basic sci-fi noir

with elements of dark fantasy
and staged realism,

centered around
Old Faithful.

- Can I read it?
- Not till it's finished.

I'm having trouble
with the ending.

And middle.

The beginning has been
pretty elusive.

Writing is hard.

Well, maybe I can be
your writing buddy,

help keep you on task.

Support your writing
the way you supported mine.

I was incredibly helpful
to you.

Okay, let's meet tomorrow
at the coffee shop.

I like to write in public

so other people can see
that I'm writing.

It's a very important part
of my process.

Hey, Mr. Smith.

Are you here to have sex
with my parents?

If that's what you want, Barry.

Because from now on,
you get everything you want.

Because I'm recruiting you
to play football

at Groff Community College.

I'm in ninth grade.

And that's why
community college

is the perfect place
for you.

Let's go for a drive.

We'll take your car.

I don't have a car.

Then whose keys
to a seven-year-old SUV

with 120,000 miles on it
are these?

You like prostitutes,
Barry?

Okay, Roger.
Let's write that book.

- What is it?
- I-It's just

that table seems
a lot better for writing.

But that's the only other table
with people at it.

Must be writers, too.

Show-offs.

Wait,
I think they're leaving.

They're not leaving,
but maybe soon.

No rush.
I'm a writer, too.

They sure didn't like me
flicking their ears like that.

Okay, time to write.

This computer feels
a little small.

Look at this behemoth.

This is a computer.

I'm ready.

My chair is too low.

Ugh.

You got a really nice lap.

I'm starting to think
this computer might be too big.

Roger, what's going on?

Do you even want
to finish this novel?

Of course.

But I'm afraid.

What if it's not
universally beloved?

What if it's merely
a cult classic?

You have to power
through that fear, dive in...

- Dive on in.
- ...and just write.

You're right.

Let's do this.

Listen to me clacking away, Hayley.

I'm writing.

I can't focus with this noise.
What's happening?

If anyone is wondering
what's happening,

the Dean is having
a pep rally

to announce
a new football coach.

Whoo!

I mean,
we gotta check that out.

Do we?

Welcome. I'm Dean Barkov.

Oh, yeah.

That's a sick reaction.

I'd like to introduce
our new football coach.

Please welcome Burton Grundy.

Whoa.
Burton Grundy?

The god-fearing
family man

who treats his players
with respect

and wins
wherever he goes.

How do you know
so much about...

This better not be you.

Plus, check out
this unique specific--

he never curses.

Just go.

I'd like to thank you
for welcoming me to Groff.

Me and my Christian wife
have prayed for this day.

And I promise you I will stop
at Jiminy Glicking nothing

to win a championship.

I avoided COVID
for three years.

And now I've caught
writer's block

and football fever
on the same day.

Uhp, never mind.
I have COVID.

Hey,
can I talk to you?

Sure,
I can take a break

from turning losers
into champions.

Roger, I'm worried
that Coach Grundy

is just a distraction to keep
you from writing your book.

Coach Grundy is not
a distraction, Hayley.

Listen, inside everyone
there are two sides--

a coach and a professor.

Like an offense and a defense,
they share the field, and...

Honestly, I'm not sure
where this analogy goes.

I'm too distracted by
these super squeaky markers.

So Professor Longbottom
is still gonna buckle down

and write this thing?

He needs to share his
unique voice with the world.

Ye-e-e-e-s.

Now,
if you'll excuse me,

I've got some young boys
to turn into men.

That sounds sexual,
but in this case, this--

this one particular case,
it's not.

This field,

this field is where you'll bleed
with your brothers.

- Did you say "bleed"?
- I did.

Barry, you may have also heard
me say the word "brothers."

That's because
football is a family.

I already have a family.

Parents aren't a family, Barry.

They're a distraction.

Close your eyes.

Imagine thousands, nay hundreds,
of fans chanting your name.

Bar-ry! Bar-ry!
Bar-ry! Bar-ry!

You in, or what?

Check it out, wheelie.

Hey, it's been two weeks
since your last writing session.

Yeah, football season
has been

making it tough
to find time.

Mainly because
I'm going to

a ton of the practices
and games.

Are you sure about this

"professor and a coach
inside all of us" theory?

Never heard that one.

But we're right by
the coffee shop,

the one place in the world
where I'm able to write.

Wanna stop in,
bang out some pages?

Sounds grrrrr--undy's
Chophouse?

What happened to
the coffee shop?

Any time I take a job in
a new city, I open a Grundy's.

It's a place for me
to get plastered

away from the prying eyes
of my Christian wife.

Plus, it's a great way
to bilk

a little extra money
off any local rubes.

Hayley!

I didn't know you grubbed
at Grundy's.

I came here to help
Professor Longbottom

do some writing,
but--

I told you not to take
Roger seriously.

Professor Longbottom
is Roger's sensitive side,

and it's real.

He's just manifesting
Coach Grundy

to protect himself
from failing.

I need to get rid
of him.

Listen, I've followed
Grundy's entire career.

If Longbottom is
the best of Roger,

Grundy is
the absolute worst.

Ooh, baby, I love how much
you're not my wife.

He goes through a cycle.

He comes to town,
gets into some scandal,

then steps away from football
to "focus on family."

It usually takes
a couple seasons.

Hmm, maybe I could
speed up the process.

My actions have
no consequences!

Barry.

You.

How would you like to play
Groff football

and have a family for life?

Please.

Help Barry.

What's your take
on prostitutes?

One week following
Coach Grundy around,

and I've got enough dirt
to take him down for good.

Here, play this
on the Jumbotron.

Hey.
I'm talkin' to you.

He was a balloon.

Groff Fans, you probably
know me as Hayley Smith,

recently published
in Soul Puddles.

Thank you.

But I'm not here to talk
about my accomplishments.

I'm here to show you
the real Coach Grundy.

This'll teach you
to stop fumbling.

Oh, shit, shit.

That douchebag Dean Barkov
is eating at table four.

I'm gonna slap my schlong on
his New York strip real quick.

Ecstasy for you.

Lithium for you, Teri,
you have problems.

An-n-n-n-d... ecstasy
and lithium for me.

Now, who wants sex
from a football coach?

Groff fans,
since this video came out,

my family and I
have been in constant prayer.

And we've decided that I am
going to step away from football

to focus on
what's important-- family.

But don't worry.

I will be back...

for the third quarter.

Y'all have
the Gatorade ready

'cause I'm winning
this Jiminy Glickin' game.

Hayley,
there you are.

I want you to know
I'm leaving the university.

It's like the whole school
is obsessed with football.

Including me.

I'll never finish
my book.

But the only thing
stopping you is you.

Like...
like, literally, you.

Roger, don't you see

that Grundy is just a wall
you're putting up

between you
and your fear of rejection?

Mr. Longbottom,

tear down this wall.

Terrible Reagan, Hayley.
Absolutely brutal.

But how am I supposed
to finish my book?

You're a writer.

All you need
is pen and paper.

- And Adderall?
- Of course, Adderall.

You're not a magician.

♪ I feel the shadows
hanging over ♪

♪ They're waiting
to come closer ♪

♪ To come and take me away ♪

♪ And I can feel
my heart skip ♪

♪ Every time that I slip ♪

♪ I wanna run away ♪

I'd like to thank you all
for joining me

to celebrate
the release of my book.

After spending years
writing it,

I feel fortunate
to have gotten it

published immediately
upon completion.

Luckily, I'm acquainted
with famed publisher,

Roger T. Publishing Persona.

First reviews are in.

Is there a good way to interpret
the phrase "literary abortion?"

- It's just one review.
- This is your fault.

You made me expose myself
to the whole world.

Which is something
I ordinarily enjoy doing.

But not in this case.

Not in
this one particular case.

Roger,
it's been weeks.

- Can I talk to Longbottom?
- You can't.

He's gone for good.

You think
he'd show his face

after that embarrassment
of a book?

It wasn't even
that many pages.

Not like my book.
It's half memoir,

half chophouse recipe book,
and half football playbook.

This thing's heavy as

Just try and catch it.

Hmm, nice hands.

But could you do it
over the middle

with a linebacker
bearing down on you,

ready to take
your head off?

I bet you could.

I'm worried about Roger.

He hasn't been anybody

but that stupid
football coach for weeks.

He said
he was going full Grundy.

No other personas.

Well, that's bad news.

He came into my room
this morning

and said I had to wake up
for two-a-days

and the only thing
I wanna do twice a day

is whack it, knahwadimeen?

- Noice.
- Ew.

I mean, ewwww.

This is my fault.

I convinced Roger
to take a risk.

He got hurt,
and now he'll never

let the good part
of himself out again.

You're crazy.

He let the good part of himself
out all over this book.

Ooh.
Old Faithful.

This is my all-time
favorite play.

He has a play called
Old Faithful?

Klaus, look at this.

The receiver runs out of bounds
and onto the next page.

A recipe for Wyoming-style
potato skins.

Do you think Longbottom's
somewhere inside Roger,

leaving clues,
wanting us to find him?

That's crazy, Hayley.

But, devil's advocate,

do you think
this could be anything?

Professor Longbottom is
at Old Faithful.

I'm not saying
you're right,

but if you are,
I better come with you.

Chapter Six.

We were down 21-7 to Lanceton,
and we were cooked.

Just like my famous
Grundy's Chophouse Wings,

available in piles
of 25, 75, or 175.

Return the bones
for discounted drinks.

Please stop taking
the bones home.

Roger, why is so much
of Grundy's book

about chicken bones?

They're buying the meat,
not the bones.

I, uh, need to run ahead because...

I-I have to pee?

Yes. Yes.
Good enough.

Hayley,
my prized pupil.

Roger, I came to bring
the professor home.

Why would you
want to do that?

Professor Longbottom is
a passionate, inspiring soul.

Grundy is just trying
to hold you inside,

but you need to
burst out, like--

Old Faithful.

You led me right to him.

Wait, what's happening?

I led you to... you?

And now it's time
for the ol' ether-cut-to-black.

Oh, good,
you're awake.

Roger,
what's going on?

We're both gonna die
when this geyser erupts.

What? Why are you doing this?

It's not me, it's Grundy.

I'm Roger's vulnerable side.

As long as I exist,
being all weak and shit,

his feelings can get hurt.

This is stupid.
Klaus was right.

You're a maniac.
Untie me.

I can't.
I'm just as tied up as you.

Grundy is at the cabin now.
He's gonna burn it down

along with all the many,
many unsold copies of my book.

I'll be erased forever.

You're at the cabin
right now?

Hayley,
you know what I mean.

It's over.

There's nothing we can do
to stop him.

Okay,
I should get going.

Don't leave me here alone.

You're not alone.
You're with the professor.

'Sup, dude?

"They called her Old Faithful.

But me? I was young

and couldn't be faithful
for a second."

Yikes.

As soon as I sign
this contract,

the Bazooka Sharks will
officially be moving to Ottawa.

Don't sign that paper.

Maybe you forgot,
but I've been writing a rap.

♪ Before you move
the 'Zooka Sharks ♪

♪ Jeff Fischer's got
a few remarks ♪

♪ The Sharks belong
in Langley ♪

♪ Where they got
mad history ♪

♪ Like the time we lost
by 63♪

♪ An all-time
Sharks memory ♪

♪ 'Zooka, 'Zooka Sharks ♪

♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪

♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪

♪ There's just
one more reason ♪

♪ To keep the Sharks
in Langley land ♪

♪ The memory of that little girl
who died in the stands ♪

♪ R.I.P. ♪

♪ Always and forever
our youngest fan ♪

♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪

♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪

♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪

♪ Don't tarnish the legacy
of Johnny Concussion ♪

♪ Shark's all-time
leader in rushin'♪

♪ Thirty yards ♪

♪ So move the Sharks
at your discretion ♪

♪ But if you do,
I'mma send you to heaven ♪

♪ Introduce your ass
to God ♪

♪ Rest in peace,
Lisa Jenkis ♪

Who cares about money?

The Sharks belong
in Langley Falls.

You did it, Jeff.

You saved the Sharks.

By the way, whoever put me
in an adult diaper, thank you.

Don't worry,
I'm gonna get you out of there.

- Great.
- Starting with the professor.

What?

Aah! Aah!

Roger.

Ugh, fine.
You're such a baby.

Aah!

What the hell
changed your mind?

This book.

I read it and loved it.

And I realized, if a piece
of art touches even one person,

it's worthwhile.

And it did touch
one person.

Me.

I touched myself, Hayley.

Jiminy [bleep] Glick.

Hayley, wait.
Just so you know,

I was the professor
and the coach the whole time.

Have a great night.