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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:05,171 --> 00:00:08,215
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,216 --> 00:00:11,927
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:14,930
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,931 --> 00:00:18,308
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,309 --> 00:00:21,729
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,730 --> 00:00:23,230
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:24,523
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:30,029
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Hold the door.
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00:00:40,373 --> 00:00:44,042
Great. It's that guy I only have
one thing in common with.
12
00:00:44,043 --> 00:00:46,879
Hey, Peter. How about
that gay encounter we had?
13
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,630
God, every time with this guy.
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00:00:48,631 --> 00:00:50,300
I'm gonna take the stairs.
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00:00:50,302 --> 00:00:55,595
For subtitling services, contatct:
waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com
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00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:58,891
Oh, my God, I'm never gonna
get up these stairs.
17
00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:02,144
Okay, it's all right.
18
00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:03,979
I do this every week
in the opening credits.
19
00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:06,106
All right, let's see.
How does that go?
20
00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:08,442
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
21
00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:11,069
♪ Lucky there's... a man who ♪
22
00:01:11,070 --> 00:01:13,822
♪ Positively can do ♪
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00:01:13,823 --> 00:01:15,866
♪ All the things
that make us... ♪
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I swear he says the F-word.
25
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Everything hurts.
26
00:01:24,125 --> 00:01:26,126
Everything's wet.
27
00:01:26,127 --> 00:01:28,086
I'm just gonna stay here.
28
00:01:28,087 --> 00:01:30,631
Was Labyrinth a good movie?
29
00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:32,758
I can't remember.
30
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,219
I don't want to watch it again,
though.
31
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:37,471
Seems like a chore.
32
00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:40,808
Aw, even Slinky from Accounting
can make it up the stairs.
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00:01:40,809 --> 00:01:43,185
Don't forget to turn in
your time card, Peter.
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00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,978
What are you, allergic to money?
35
00:01:44,979 --> 00:01:47,105
Ha ha. No.
No, I want to get paid.
36
00:01:47,106 --> 00:01:48,232
Just forgot.
37
00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:50,234
Ugh, look at me.
38
00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:53,362
I haven't felt this out of shape
since I took surfing lessons.
39
00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:54,988
Boy, this is harder
than I thought.
40
00:01:54,989 --> 00:01:56,865
My arms are getting
really tired.
41
00:01:56,866 --> 00:01:59,034
Nah, you're fine.
Just keep goin'.
42
00:01:59,035 --> 00:02:02,037
Tai, your positivity
is infectious!
43
00:02:02,038 --> 00:02:04,164
All right, P-Town,
wave comin' in.
44
00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:07,627
I'm just gonna give you a little
push, and you just stand up.
45
00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:29,982
Okay, so, welcome
to the first meeting
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00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,193
of our women's
creative writing workshop.
47
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:35,822
Ladies.
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00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:39,700
Okay, Donna,
you want to read yours?
49
00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,285
Oh, I didn't do mine.
50
00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:44,955
Wha...? Well, then you can't
have any more snacks.
51
00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:46,164
You just can't!
52
00:02:46,165 --> 00:02:47,958
Well, I guess it's my turn.
53
00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:50,460
"Louise lowered her velvet hood,
54
00:02:50,461 --> 00:02:53,130
"letting loose
her flowing red hair.
55
00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:56,258
"Ignoring her friends' obvious
and understandable envy,
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00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:59,553
"she confidently approached
the mysterious castle.
57
00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:01,346
"The doors blew open,
58
00:03:01,347 --> 00:03:04,099
"as if some magical force
had been expecting her.
59
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:06,059
"Louise belonged here,
60
00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:09,045
"if only because this is where
Horatio called home.
61
00:03:09,047 --> 00:03:12,007
"Then, through the vegetation,
and past the mist
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00:03:12,008 --> 00:03:15,761
"that sprinkled
her heaving bosom, she saw him.
63
00:03:15,762 --> 00:03:20,098
"Horatio, with his long, flowing
hair blowing in the breeze,
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00:03:20,099 --> 00:03:22,267
"his cape fluttering.
65
00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:23,894
"He had only two loves
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00:03:23,895 --> 00:03:28,065
"in his life: his horses
and Louise's heaving bosom.
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00:03:28,066 --> 00:03:31,109
"He grabbed her tighter than
she'd ever been held before.
68
00:03:31,110 --> 00:03:34,488
"A way in which her husband,
Paulter, had not held her
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00:03:34,489 --> 00:03:36,573
"since before
they were married.
70
00:03:36,574 --> 00:03:38,742
"Horatio then took Louise
by the hand,
71
00:03:38,743 --> 00:03:42,287
"leading her out to his stables
as her bosom heaved.
72
00:03:42,288 --> 00:03:44,832
"Louise's mind was racing
in anticipation
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00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:48,293
"of the dirty hay sex that was
gonna most definitely happen.
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00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:50,671
"As the two lovers
entangled into one
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00:03:50,672 --> 00:03:53,006
"atop the probably peed-on hay,
76
00:03:53,007 --> 00:03:54,800
"Louise's bosom heaved.
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00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:56,969
"They spent the next 18 minutes
78
00:03:56,970 --> 00:04:00,597
"fighting off sneezes,
in the throes of ecstasy.
79
00:04:00,598 --> 00:04:02,432
Heaving bosom."
80
00:04:02,433 --> 00:04:05,727
- Damn, that's steamy, Lois.
- Really?
81
00:04:05,728 --> 00:04:08,063
Uh, yeah, really. Phew!
82
00:04:08,064 --> 00:04:10,065
Anybody mind if I open me?
83
00:04:10,066 --> 00:04:12,651
Ah!
84
00:04:12,652 --> 00:04:15,697
See you in the shower, ladies.
85
00:04:19,909 --> 00:04:21,159
What am I gonna do?
86
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,412
I've been here all day,
and I can't move.
87
00:04:23,413 --> 00:04:27,876
I got it. I'll do what
James Franco did in 127 Hours.
88
00:04:29,043 --> 00:04:30,419
UCLA admissions office.
89
00:04:30,420 --> 00:04:32,838
Yes, I'd like to enroll
in a couple of classes,
90
00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:35,924
so I can have sex with girls
not old enough to get into bars.
91
00:04:35,925 --> 00:04:37,092
Peter!
92
00:04:37,093 --> 00:04:38,595
I heard you're in some trouble!
93
00:04:39,971 --> 00:04:42,347
I'm stuck!
I don't want to die here!
94
00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:44,975
I just want to go to
my desk and surf the Internet.
95
00:04:44,976 --> 00:04:47,729
Hang on, Peter.
I'll come up and save you.
96
00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:51,481
Stairs.
97
00:04:51,482 --> 00:04:53,984
Why'd it have to be stairs?
98
00:05:10,919 --> 00:05:14,379
I can't do it. Here, you're just
gonna have to kill me.
99
00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:16,632
Wait. Look, Joe.
100
00:05:16,633 --> 00:05:19,886
A lever to turn the stairs
into a slide.
101
00:05:22,263 --> 00:05:23,597
Damn it, Peter!
102
00:05:23,598 --> 00:05:25,724
It's just a little water.
What's it gonna hurt?
103
00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:26,892
Oh, God!
104
00:05:26,893 --> 00:05:29,269
Delete... history.
105
00:05:29,270 --> 00:05:30,813
No.
106
00:05:31,898 --> 00:05:34,692
No!
107
00:05:44,035 --> 00:05:47,037
Peter, you caused millions of
dollars' worth of water damage,
108
00:05:47,038 --> 00:05:50,290
all because you couldn't
make it up the stairs.
109
00:05:50,291 --> 00:05:53,293
Aw, man.
This means I'm the work fatty.
110
00:05:53,294 --> 00:05:55,253
I haven't been this embarrassed
since I forgot
111
00:05:55,254 --> 00:05:58,298
about the silent part
in George Michael's "Faith."
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00:05:58,299 --> 00:06:00,300
♪ Well, I need someone
to hold me ♪
113
00:06:00,301 --> 00:06:02,636
♪ But I wait
for something more ♪
114
00:06:02,637 --> 00:06:05,055
I've started using these pills
called Stiff for Hours
115
00:06:05,056 --> 00:06:06,264
from the gas station.
116
00:06:06,265 --> 00:06:08,058
♪ 'Cause I got to have faith ♪
117
00:06:08,059 --> 00:06:10,853
♪ Mmm, I got to have faith. ♪
118
00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:17,776
♪ Dog walking into a room ♪
119
00:06:17,777 --> 00:06:20,195
♪ There's food left
on the table ♪
120
00:06:20,196 --> 00:06:22,364
♪ And owners aren't around. ♪
121
00:06:22,365 --> 00:06:24,491
Just going to do
a little paws-on-the-table,
122
00:06:24,492 --> 00:06:26,494
side-of-the-mouth dog eating.
123
00:06:37,296 --> 00:06:40,924
A Stable Affair
by Lois Griffin.
124
00:06:40,925 --> 00:06:44,220
Okay, another writer
in the house.
125
00:06:47,932 --> 00:06:50,058
Oh, my God, this is amazing!
126
00:06:50,059 --> 00:06:51,768
This is basically a guide
127
00:06:51,769 --> 00:06:53,854
to what Lois is looking for
in a lover.
128
00:06:53,855 --> 00:06:55,439
Check this out.
129
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,858
Lois is writing a romance novel
about a woman
130
00:06:57,859 --> 00:06:59,693
who is unhappy with her husband
131
00:06:59,694 --> 00:07:01,820
and begins
to have a torrid affair
132
00:07:01,821 --> 00:07:03,905
with a caped lover
who has horses.
133
00:07:03,906 --> 00:07:05,741
Don't you know what this is?
134
00:07:05,742 --> 00:07:08,702
It's a description
of her every fantasy and desire.
135
00:07:08,703 --> 00:07:10,829
This could finally
be my key to...
136
00:07:10,830 --> 00:07:12,706
To what, banging my mom?
137
00:07:12,707 --> 00:07:15,042
You know, you are the worst.
138
00:07:15,043 --> 00:07:17,045
Ladies.
139
00:07:21,966 --> 00:07:23,925
Ugh! You guys,
this is so embarrassing.
140
00:07:23,926 --> 00:07:25,260
All this happened
141
00:07:25,261 --> 00:07:28,055
because I'm too fat
to make it up some stairs.
142
00:07:28,056 --> 00:07:29,389
Peter, you got to lose weight.
143
00:07:29,390 --> 00:07:31,558
I know. You guys got
to help me, though.
144
00:07:31,559 --> 00:07:34,061
I can't do it on my own.
I'm too weak.
145
00:07:34,062 --> 00:07:35,479
All right,
we'll help you, Peter,
146
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:36,938
but we're doing it
Quagsberry rules.
147
00:07:36,939 --> 00:07:38,273
What's that?
148
00:07:38,274 --> 00:07:40,025
A woman--
or in this case, a man--
149
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:42,569
has to do anything I say,
no questions asked.
150
00:07:42,570 --> 00:07:44,529
Anything, I promise.
151
00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:46,281
My dearest Lois,
152
00:07:46,282 --> 00:07:47,908
I've taken Quagmire's place
153
00:07:47,909 --> 00:07:50,243
as a Union soldier
in the Civil War.
154
00:07:50,244 --> 00:07:53,789
Shortly after I arrived,
they amputated my leg.
155
00:07:53,790 --> 00:07:56,541
I dared them to,
and it was a big mistake.
156
00:07:56,542 --> 00:07:59,377
The other guy in my tent
is a wet dead guy.
157
00:07:59,378 --> 00:08:02,256
Yours, Peter.
158
00:08:08,262 --> 00:08:10,764
All right, Peter, today we start
helping you lose weight.
159
00:08:10,765 --> 00:08:12,057
First, let me just make sure
160
00:08:12,058 --> 00:08:14,351
you're not hiding any food
in your clothes.
161
00:08:15,770 --> 00:08:19,689
Taste. Taste. Taste the rainbow.
162
00:08:19,690 --> 00:08:21,859
Peter, are you hiding Skittles
in your pants?
163
00:08:23,903 --> 00:08:25,320
Is that all of 'em?
164
00:08:25,321 --> 00:08:27,323
Just-just give me a second.
165
00:08:30,493 --> 00:08:33,328
When I turned about 40,
it started breaking up into two.
166
00:08:33,329 --> 00:08:34,746
Weekend plans?
167
00:08:34,747 --> 00:08:37,125
Please don't talk to me.
I need to focus.
168
00:08:44,924 --> 00:08:46,842
Good morrow!
169
00:08:46,843 --> 00:08:50,178
What is thee, uh, up to?
170
00:08:50,179 --> 00:08:51,847
Brian, is that your horse?
171
00:08:51,848 --> 00:08:53,265
Wh-When did you get a horse?
172
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:54,975
Oh, I've been an Equus
for a while.
173
00:08:54,976 --> 00:08:57,310
The play
with Harry Potter's penis?
174
00:08:57,311 --> 00:08:59,688
Just my trusty steed here.
175
00:08:59,689 --> 00:09:01,398
We have a special connection.
176
00:09:01,399 --> 00:09:03,567
Me being an equestrianist
and everything.
177
00:09:03,568 --> 00:09:05,902
I-I had no idea
you were into horses.
178
00:09:05,903 --> 00:09:07,237
Sexy, huh?
179
00:09:07,238 --> 00:09:09,573
No, seems like a hassle,
and expensive.
180
00:09:09,574 --> 00:09:11,366
How do you pay for it all?
181
00:09:11,367 --> 00:09:13,994
Well, the costs are meager
when you're able to dominate
182
00:09:13,995 --> 00:09:17,665
and control the beast with
just... the slightest glance.
183
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,458
Stop it.
184
00:09:20,459 --> 00:09:21,877
Ha, ha! What?!
185
00:09:21,878 --> 00:09:23,461
This is nuts!
186
00:09:23,462 --> 00:09:26,089
Anyway, I've been speaking to
my horse in the silent language
187
00:09:26,090 --> 00:09:28,008
of knowing, and I...
188
00:09:28,009 --> 00:09:30,218
Never walk behind a horse.
189
00:09:30,219 --> 00:09:33,096
You would have to hate horses
not to know that.
190
00:09:33,097 --> 00:09:34,514
...being one with nature.
191
00:09:35,808 --> 00:09:37,309
A mutual bond of trust.
192
00:09:38,686 --> 00:09:40,896
Different species, same heart.
193
00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:54,994
You're dethspicable.
194
00:09:57,997 --> 00:09:59,998
Welcome to CrossFit, Peter.
195
00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:02,000
How's it different
from a regular gym?
196
00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:04,044
Do regular gyms have
open garage doors
197
00:10:04,045 --> 00:10:06,880
where members' large dogs
can charge innocent civilians?
198
00:10:06,881 --> 00:10:08,548
No, I... I guess not.
199
00:10:08,549 --> 00:10:10,926
Okay, to start,
why don't you go meet the owner,
200
00:10:10,927 --> 00:10:12,093
Jayce, over there?
201
00:10:12,094 --> 00:10:14,054
He'll help maximize
your nutrition regimen.
202
00:10:14,055 --> 00:10:15,639
Hi, I'm Peter.
203
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:16,848
Hey, man. Jayce with a "Y."
204
00:10:16,849 --> 00:10:18,558
Yeah, I figured.
205
00:10:18,559 --> 00:10:20,393
So, to start out, like, uh,
206
00:10:20,394 --> 00:10:22,812
tell me, what's
your favorite kind of food?
207
00:10:22,813 --> 00:10:24,814
Pizza.
208
00:10:24,815 --> 00:10:26,358
- Oh, man.
- What?
209
00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,985
You, uh...
210
00:10:28,986 --> 00:10:30,528
y-you can't eat pizza.
211
00:10:30,529 --> 00:10:32,155
Why not?
212
00:10:32,156 --> 00:10:33,990
It's, uh-- it's...
213
00:10:33,991 --> 00:10:35,325
uh, it's...
214
00:10:35,326 --> 00:10:36,576
it's bad.
215
00:10:36,577 --> 00:10:38,578
Why?
216
00:10:38,579 --> 00:10:40,914
Because, uh, it's, like, uh...
217
00:10:40,915 --> 00:10:42,916
pretty bad for you.
218
00:10:42,917 --> 00:10:43,834
But what makes it bad?
219
00:10:43,835 --> 00:10:45,585
Oh.
220
00:10:45,586 --> 00:10:48,463
Yeah, no, it's, like, uh...
221
00:10:48,464 --> 00:10:50,924
like, probably one
of the worst things you can eat.
222
00:10:50,925 --> 00:10:53,051
How come?
223
00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:57,055
Uh, uh, because, of, like,
the ingredients in it.
224
00:10:57,056 --> 00:10:59,057
Which ones?
225
00:10:59,058 --> 00:11:01,226
Uh, I mean, yeah, like,
226
00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:03,061
basically, all of them.
227
00:11:03,062 --> 00:11:05,063
Name one.
228
00:11:05,064 --> 00:11:06,564
Yeah, I-- yeah, I mean...
229
00:11:06,565 --> 00:11:08,733
you said-- your-your words,
230
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:09,901
uh...
pizza.
231
00:11:09,902 --> 00:11:11,403
All right,
I'm cutting this off right now.
232
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:14,698
It's clear you're an idiot
and deserve no more of my time.
233
00:11:14,699 --> 00:11:17,409
Oh, Peter,
you're home from CrossFit.
234
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:18,493
Here, have some pizza.
235
00:11:18,494 --> 00:11:20,078
Oh.
236
00:11:20,079 --> 00:11:22,247
Uh, you know what is in that?
237
00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:23,748
It's, like...
238
00:11:23,749 --> 00:11:25,292
- It's very bad.
- What?
239
00:11:26,294 --> 00:11:28,920
Uh, wow.
240
00:11:28,921 --> 00:11:30,922
Okay, Peter,
a good and conspicuous workout
241
00:11:30,923 --> 00:11:33,091
is to do lunges on the sidewalk.
242
00:11:33,092 --> 00:11:34,092
Just do like I do.
243
00:11:34,093 --> 00:11:35,593
- Step.
- Uh-huh.
244
00:11:35,594 --> 00:11:38,096
- Step. Step.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
245
00:11:38,097 --> 00:11:39,597
- Step.
- Uh-huh.
246
00:11:39,598 --> 00:11:42,434
- Step. Step.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
247
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:43,893
- Step.
- Uh-huh.
248
00:11:43,894 --> 00:11:46,563
- Step. Step.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
249
00:11:46,564 --> 00:11:48,064
Step.
250
00:11:48,065 --> 00:11:49,607
- Step.
- Uh-huh.
251
00:11:49,608 --> 00:11:50,942
- Step.
- Uh-huh.
252
00:11:50,943 --> 00:11:54,195
- Step. Step.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
253
00:11:54,196 --> 00:11:56,740
Step. Step.
254
00:11:56,741 --> 00:11:58,116
Step.
255
00:11:58,117 --> 00:11:59,868
Step. Step.
256
00:11:59,869 --> 00:12:02,454
Okay, Peter, whatever you do,
257
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:04,164
don't look down the hole.
258
00:12:06,417 --> 00:12:08,626
Oh, God!
I looked down the hole!
259
00:12:08,627 --> 00:12:11,129
Oh! I got a sense
of what's down there!
260
00:12:11,130 --> 00:12:13,340
Okay, okay. All right,
you can still save this.
261
00:12:13,341 --> 00:12:14,591
Just don't smell.
262
00:12:15,676 --> 00:12:17,635
Oh, God! I smelled everything!
263
00:12:17,636 --> 00:12:20,305
Oh, it's so deep in my nose!
264
00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:22,057
Okay, okay, whatever you do,
265
00:12:22,058 --> 00:12:24,434
do not dip your cupped hand
in the water.
266
00:12:24,435 --> 00:12:26,895
Oh, God! I'm doing it!
267
00:12:26,896 --> 00:12:28,855
Oh, God!
What is wrong with me?!
268
00:12:28,856 --> 00:12:31,483
The chemicals in the water
are not breaking down
269
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:33,360
the integrity
of these movements!
270
00:12:33,361 --> 00:12:35,153
Okay, Peter,
you can quit pretending.
271
00:12:35,154 --> 00:12:37,030
- The workout's over.
- Thanks.
272
00:12:37,031 --> 00:12:38,698
I was just in there
checking my phone.
273
00:12:38,699 --> 00:12:39,991
My phone!
274
00:12:43,037 --> 00:12:44,037
Okay, Peter,
275
00:12:44,038 --> 00:12:45,372
whatever you do,
276
00:12:45,373 --> 00:12:48,459
do not open your eyes
underwater.
277
00:12:51,379 --> 00:12:52,962
What the hell?
278
00:12:52,963 --> 00:12:54,881
I thought we were gonna get
a ten-dollar scoop of ice cream
279
00:12:54,882 --> 00:12:56,549
with all the millennials
who can afford
280
00:12:56,550 --> 00:12:57,926
ten-dollar scoops of ice cream
281
00:12:57,927 --> 00:12:59,969
but can't afford to move out
of their parents' house.
282
00:12:59,970 --> 00:13:01,930
We are. But first
I need to pick up this wine
283
00:13:01,931 --> 00:13:03,807
that Lois mentioned
in her story.
284
00:13:03,808 --> 00:13:06,017
Where's that part
about the wine?
285
00:13:06,018 --> 00:13:09,187
"The doors magically opened."
286
00:13:09,188 --> 00:13:11,231
"Chill came over her."
287
00:13:11,232 --> 00:13:13,024
"Through the vegetation."
288
00:13:13,025 --> 00:13:15,944
"Light mist."
289
00:13:15,945 --> 00:13:18,530
Uh, Brian, everything you read
just happened to us.
290
00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:21,699
I think her book
is about the grocery store.
291
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:24,786
Oh... my... God.
292
00:13:24,787 --> 00:13:25,871
What?
293
00:13:26,914 --> 00:13:29,125
♪ ♪
294
00:13:32,670 --> 00:13:34,921
It's the guy, Horatio,
from Lois's book.
295
00:13:34,922 --> 00:13:38,425
She's fantasizing about having
an affair with this guy.
296
00:13:38,426 --> 00:13:41,719
Or, who knows, maybe even
is having an affair with him.
297
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,596
Excuse me,
where are the crackers?
298
00:13:43,597 --> 00:13:45,390
What? We don't work here.
299
00:13:45,391 --> 00:13:47,058
We're a dog and a baby.
300
00:13:47,059 --> 00:13:49,894
I-- do I-- do my, do my clothes
make it look like I work here?
301
00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:51,771
I think it's the overalls, yeah.
302
00:13:51,772 --> 00:13:53,231
Hey, get back to work.
303
00:13:53,232 --> 00:13:54,441
I'll see you back at home,
Brian.
304
00:13:54,442 --> 00:13:56,861
I've got to finish my shift.
305
00:14:05,995 --> 00:14:06,995
I don't get it.
306
00:14:06,996 --> 00:14:08,955
You've gained 12 pounds.
307
00:14:08,956 --> 00:14:11,124
Looks like we're gonna have
to take more drastic measures.
308
00:14:11,125 --> 00:14:13,501
Peter, say you're
not gonna have sex with me.
309
00:14:13,502 --> 00:14:14,794
- What?
- Just say it.
310
00:14:14,795 --> 00:14:16,129
I'm not gonna have sex with you.
311
00:14:18,299 --> 00:14:19,924
Guys, let me out of here!
312
00:14:19,925 --> 00:14:21,926
No! You said you would do
whatever's necessary
313
00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:23,344
to help you lose weight.
314
00:14:23,345 --> 00:14:24,846
Please, let me out!
315
00:14:24,847 --> 00:14:27,265
Glenn, is it okay
if I stay the night?
316
00:14:31,645 --> 00:14:34,314
Rancor, what are you doing here?
317
00:14:34,315 --> 00:14:35,982
I'm trying to diet, too.
318
00:14:35,983 --> 00:14:37,400
Eating too many pig guys?
319
00:14:37,401 --> 00:14:40,069
I thought it was the pig guys,
but, you know what,
320
00:14:40,070 --> 00:14:41,280
it was the bread.
321
00:14:47,912 --> 00:14:49,412
I'm so hungry!
322
00:14:49,413 --> 00:14:50,830
Let me out!
323
00:14:50,831 --> 00:14:52,665
I'll tell you what,
first guy that lets me out
324
00:14:52,666 --> 00:14:54,292
gets his own spin-off.
325
00:14:54,293 --> 00:14:55,460
Not you, Cleveland.
326
00:14:55,461 --> 00:14:57,253
Sorry, Peter,
this is for your own good!
327
00:14:57,254 --> 00:15:00,173
Yeah, you told us you would do
anything to lose weight!
328
00:15:00,174 --> 00:15:02,425
I lied!
I just want to be free,
329
00:15:02,426 --> 00:15:05,679
like a recently divorced man
with no kids!
330
00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:10,391
This is nice.
331
00:15:10,392 --> 00:15:12,811
This is better.
332
00:15:15,856 --> 00:15:17,398
Stewie, I can't believe it.
333
00:15:17,399 --> 00:15:19,567
I mean, do-do you think
Lois could be having an affair
334
00:15:19,568 --> 00:15:20,735
with this Horatio guy?
335
00:15:20,736 --> 00:15:22,362
Brian, will you watch Stewie?
336
00:15:22,363 --> 00:15:23,738
I have to go get groceries
337
00:15:23,739 --> 00:15:25,698
and won't be back
until later tonight.
338
00:15:25,699 --> 00:15:27,158
Uh, yeah, sure!
339
00:15:27,159 --> 00:15:28,826
Oh, my God, Stewie,
she's going to the store
340
00:15:28,827 --> 00:15:30,411
and won't be back until tonight?
341
00:15:30,412 --> 00:15:32,080
Do you know what that means?
342
00:15:32,081 --> 00:15:35,083
Disguises?
343
00:15:35,084 --> 00:15:37,752
No, but we should follow her and
see what the hell is going on.
344
00:15:37,753 --> 00:15:38,920
Stewie-chan!
345
00:15:43,384 --> 00:15:44,551
I'll meet you there, Brian.
346
00:15:44,552 --> 00:15:46,303
I've got to finish my shift.
347
00:15:53,936 --> 00:15:56,020
All right, Peter, now, I know
you haven't eaten in a while,
348
00:15:56,021 --> 00:15:59,065
so this is something called
the Pocket Diet.
349
00:15:59,066 --> 00:16:00,483
Okay, guys, empty your pockets.
350
00:16:00,484 --> 00:16:03,319
Whatever you got in there,
he eats.
351
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:06,781
Uh, Glenn, can we go somewhere
and just talk for a minute?
352
00:16:09,076 --> 00:16:11,077
Guys, stop saying things,
all right?
353
00:16:11,078 --> 00:16:13,038
I will say the things!
354
00:16:22,923 --> 00:16:23,923
Oh, my God.
355
00:16:23,924 --> 00:16:25,092
He's getting in the car.
356
00:16:26,468 --> 00:16:27,719
He's going in for a hug.
357
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,262
They're hugging!
This is insane!
358
00:16:29,263 --> 00:16:31,097
I know. This guy.
359
00:16:31,098 --> 00:16:34,226
This guy is a star.
360
00:16:38,397 --> 00:16:39,897
I can't believe it, Stewie.
She picked him up.
361
00:16:39,898 --> 00:16:40,898
They hugged.
362
00:16:40,899 --> 00:16:42,275
Lois is having an affair!
363
00:16:42,276 --> 00:16:44,444
We've got to stop them.
364
00:16:44,445 --> 00:16:47,447
Aw, great.
365
00:16:47,448 --> 00:16:50,491
Just great.
366
00:16:50,492 --> 00:16:52,995
♪ ♪
367
00:17:09,637 --> 00:17:11,929
Lois, don't do it!
368
00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:12,972
Brian?
369
00:17:12,973 --> 00:17:14,641
What the hell
are you doing here?
370
00:17:14,642 --> 00:17:15,933
Don't do what?
371
00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:17,185
Don't have sex with Horatio!
372
00:17:17,186 --> 00:17:18,394
It's not worth it!
373
00:17:18,395 --> 00:17:19,729
What are you talking about?
374
00:17:19,730 --> 00:17:21,898
Look, I found your book
and read it.
375
00:17:21,899 --> 00:17:23,483
I thought that you wrote
376
00:17:23,484 --> 00:17:24,984
everything you were looking for
in a lover,
377
00:17:24,985 --> 00:17:27,987
and, if I could embody some
of those things,
378
00:17:27,988 --> 00:17:30,114
maybe I would have a shot
with you.
379
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:32,200
But then I found out
Horatio is real,
380
00:17:32,201 --> 00:17:33,951
and-and I couldn't bear to see
you do something like this
381
00:17:33,952 --> 00:17:35,495
to the family.
382
00:17:35,496 --> 00:17:37,330
It's not you, Lois.
383
00:17:37,331 --> 00:17:39,374
Wait, let me get this straight.
384
00:17:39,375 --> 00:17:41,959
You, without asking,
read something I wrote?
385
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,003
Then, thinking I was revealing
386
00:17:44,004 --> 00:17:46,047
all my most intimate wants
and desires,
387
00:17:46,048 --> 00:17:47,715
you thought
that you could exploit
388
00:17:47,716 --> 00:17:50,009
what you read to seduce me?
389
00:17:50,010 --> 00:17:51,844
But when you thought
I might be cheating
390
00:17:51,845 --> 00:17:53,221
with someone
other than yourself,
391
00:17:53,222 --> 00:17:56,182
you found that, and only that,
morally objectionable?
392
00:17:56,183 --> 00:17:58,017
And you bring Stewie here,
393
00:17:58,018 --> 00:17:59,852
who doesn't understand any
of this?!
394
00:17:59,853 --> 00:18:01,145
I predict, in the finale,
395
00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:02,563
everyone can understand me.
396
00:18:02,564 --> 00:18:04,273
That'd make a good finale,
right?
397
00:18:04,274 --> 00:18:06,025
Brian, this is Horatio.
398
00:18:06,026 --> 00:18:07,902
He's special.
399
00:18:07,903 --> 00:18:09,612
I know you think he's special.
400
00:18:09,613 --> 00:18:11,114
No, he's special.
401
00:18:11,115 --> 00:18:12,907
He's learning disabled.
402
00:18:12,908 --> 00:18:15,118
I like Coldplay.
403
00:18:15,119 --> 00:18:17,245
- Ooh...
- Oh...
404
00:18:17,246 --> 00:18:19,497
I'm not having an affair
with him, Brian.
405
00:18:19,498 --> 00:18:21,999
I volunteered at the special
needs living facility,
406
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,168
and Horatio happened
to like horses.
407
00:18:24,169 --> 00:18:26,379
So, once a week,
I take him to the stables.
408
00:18:26,380 --> 00:18:29,590
And the cape is from a Darth
Vader costume he had as a kid.
409
00:18:29,591 --> 00:18:31,926
Did you know he's the boss
of the stormtroopers?
410
00:18:31,927 --> 00:18:34,595
Yes, I have fantasies
about him dominating me
411
00:18:34,596 --> 00:18:36,055
with his idiot strength.
412
00:18:36,056 --> 00:18:37,223
But it's just that--
413
00:18:37,224 --> 00:18:38,725
a fantasy.
414
00:18:38,726 --> 00:18:40,393
That's why I wrote it
in a story,
415
00:18:40,394 --> 00:18:43,396
because I knew
that I would never act on it.
416
00:18:43,397 --> 00:18:44,897
Ugh. I never thought a dog
417
00:18:44,898 --> 00:18:47,692
could be such a genuine piece
of human garbage.
418
00:18:47,693 --> 00:18:48,860
Lois,
419
00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:51,112
I'm truly sorry
for what I thought.
420
00:18:51,113 --> 00:18:53,531
It all just made sense to me
at the time.
421
00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:55,950
But now that I see what it is,
422
00:18:55,951 --> 00:18:57,869
I'm ashamed of myself.
423
00:18:57,870 --> 00:18:59,954
I hope you can find it
in your heart...
424
00:18:59,955 --> 00:19:01,998
Hey, Bri.
425
00:19:01,999 --> 00:19:04,960
There's a good girl.
426
00:19:08,005 --> 00:19:09,088
Joe and Cleveland,
427
00:19:09,089 --> 00:19:11,341
are you ready to see
your new Peter?
428
00:19:16,013 --> 00:19:18,931
What do you guys think?
429
00:19:18,932 --> 00:19:20,349
I don't believe it.
430
00:19:20,350 --> 00:19:21,851
I'm speechless.
431
00:19:23,854 --> 00:19:27,024
Hey, look,
it's Jonah Hill sometimes!
432
00:19:33,572 --> 00:19:34,989
Wow!
433
00:19:34,990 --> 00:19:36,949
Looking good, Peter.
434
00:19:36,950 --> 00:19:39,494
Yes. I might want me
a little taste of that.
435
00:19:39,495 --> 00:19:41,496
Oh, well, Sheila, look out.
436
00:19:41,497 --> 00:19:43,831
Be careful what you ask for,
'cause you never know--
437
00:19:43,832 --> 00:19:45,666
I might--
Are-are you serious?
438
00:19:45,667 --> 00:19:47,168
'Cause I will do this, 100%.
439
00:19:47,169 --> 00:19:48,461
My wife's in, too.
I'll call her.
440
00:19:48,462 --> 00:19:50,129
We'll do a whole thing.
441
00:19:50,130 --> 00:19:52,673
Hey, Lois. I got a two-top.
442
00:19:52,674 --> 00:19:53,758
Okay.
443
00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:55,010
She's out, but I'm still in.
444
00:20:00,891 --> 00:20:01,974
Boy, I got to admit,
445
00:20:01,975 --> 00:20:03,893
I feel a little sheepish
to get so fooled
446
00:20:03,894 --> 00:20:05,937
by a silly little book
that Lois wrote.
447
00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:08,272
Yes, but, you know, I think
what we missed in all of this
448
00:20:08,273 --> 00:20:11,859
is that Lois wrote a beginning,
middle, and end to something.
449
00:20:11,860 --> 00:20:13,444
What have you written lately,
Brian?
450
00:20:13,445 --> 00:20:15,112
Well, nothing,
but, you know, I think--
451
00:20:15,113 --> 00:20:16,989
I think any writer knows
how hard it is
452
00:20:16,990 --> 00:20:18,658
to be staring
at that blank page.
453
00:20:18,659 --> 00:20:20,827
Sounds like
you did write something,
454
00:20:20,828 --> 00:20:22,662
your career's obituary.
455
00:20:23,997 --> 00:20:26,249
Well, that's our dog and baby!
456
00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:28,084
Hi, this is Chris Griffin.
457
00:20:28,085 --> 00:20:31,087
Boy, Lois had some
amorous adventures this week.
458
00:20:31,088 --> 00:20:33,422
But you know
what really turns me on?
459
00:20:33,423 --> 00:20:34,799
Reading.
460
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,759
Why don't you get yourself
down to the library
461
00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,094
and open up a book!
462
00:20:38,095 --> 00:20:40,346
Here's a few
of my favorite books.
463
00:20:40,347 --> 00:20:42,598
J.D. Salinger's
Catcher in the Rye.
464
00:20:42,599 --> 00:20:45,184
The Kite Runner
by Khaled Hosseini.
465
00:20:45,185 --> 00:20:47,854
And, of course,
The Dirt by Motley Crue.
466
00:20:47,855 --> 00:20:50,064
Seriously, read The Dirt.
467
00:20:50,065 --> 00:20:52,859
They snort a row of live ants
like cocaine.
468
00:20:52,860 --> 00:20:55,528
Remember, kids,
a library card is free,
469
00:20:55,529 --> 00:20:57,864
but knowledge is priceless.
470
00:20:57,865 --> 00:21:01,118
Get that Dirt book.
33506
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