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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,004
[rhythmic snapping]
2
00:00:06,354 --> 00:00:08,269
Better Things, all new.
Thursdays at 10:00.
3
00:00:08,312 --> 00:00:10,923
Starts February 28 on FX.
4
00:00:13,274 --> 00:00:16,407
FXX presentsYou're the Worst.
5
00:00:19,671 --> 00:00:21,108
[both panting]
6
00:00:21,151 --> 00:00:23,719
What is it about morning boners?
7
00:00:23,762 --> 00:00:25,895
Yeah, it's not the boner.
8
00:00:25,938 --> 00:00:29,116
It's that my haunches
are fresh and rested.
9
00:00:29,159 --> 00:00:31,161
Like when you take
a thoroughbred to the track
10
00:00:31,205 --> 00:00:34,730
first thing in the morning,
fastest time of the day.
11
00:00:36,384 --> 00:00:39,082
[gasps]
12
00:00:39,126 --> 00:00:40,344
What?
13
00:00:43,739 --> 00:00:44,957
Oh, no.
14
00:00:45,001 --> 00:00:47,308
Oh, yes.
Jimmy, I think it's time.
15
00:00:47,351 --> 00:00:49,527
-No. No, not today.
-[gasps]
16
00:00:49,571 --> 00:00:51,486
-You promised me
you would do this. -I don't feel good.
17
00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:54,097
Is that the message you want
to give your bride, Jimmy?
18
00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:55,794
That you're not willing
to do something
19
00:00:55,838 --> 00:00:58,362
that is extremely, extremely
20
00:00:58,406 --> 00:00:59,798
important to me?
21
00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:03,150
Fine. I'll taste my come.
22
00:01:03,193 --> 00:01:05,326
[squeals] Yay!
23
00:01:15,945 --> 00:01:18,774
What do you think, Jimmy?
Do you hate it? Is it gross?
24
00:01:18,817 --> 00:01:22,169
Do you think it's gross, Jimmy?
What do you think, Jimmy?
25
00:01:22,212 --> 00:01:24,997
It's like... salty fruit glue.
26
00:01:25,041 --> 00:01:27,478
Exactly.
27
00:01:27,522 --> 00:01:29,393
-[phone chimes]
-Oh.
28
00:01:29,437 --> 00:01:32,527
My Lyft is here.
I'm gonna hop in the shower.
29
00:01:32,570 --> 00:01:35,269
What? They're not gonna
just wait for you.
30
00:01:35,312 --> 00:01:36,574
You tell them you're
in a wheelchair.
31
00:01:36,618 --> 00:01:38,794
Then they legally have to wait
as long as you want.
32
00:01:38,837 --> 00:01:40,317
Wait, have you just been
Lyfting everywhere
33
00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:41,840
since you wrecked your car?
34
00:01:41,884 --> 00:01:44,365
I can't drive, Jimmy.
35
00:01:44,408 --> 00:01:46,280
Every time I close my eyes,
36
00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:48,760
I see that cement mixer
bearing down on me.
37
00:01:48,804 --> 00:01:50,588
You faked it, you psychopath.
38
00:01:50,632 --> 00:01:52,329
Oh. [chuckles]
39
00:01:52,373 --> 00:01:55,680
Whoa. I'm starting
to believe my own lies.
40
00:02:05,255 --> 00:02:08,084
Oh, my God! You love it!
41
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:10,042
No! No, I do not.
42
00:02:10,086 --> 00:02:12,393
What? You're lapping it up
like it's soft serve.
43
00:02:12,436 --> 00:02:14,046
I-I... [stammers]
44
00:02:14,090 --> 00:02:16,223
I was making sure
that it just tasted as weird
45
00:02:16,266 --> 00:02:17,528
as I thought it did.
46
00:02:17,572 --> 00:02:19,443
You just Oliver'd your own come.
47
00:02:19,487 --> 00:02:21,228
[British accent]: "Please, sir,
may I have some more?"
48
00:02:21,271 --> 00:02:23,012
You said it was
important to you!
49
00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:25,232
When I was watching,
not on your own,
50
00:02:25,275 --> 00:02:29,279
like some come-hungry
jizz-goblin. [laughing]
51
00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:43,424
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway♪
52
00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:46,470
♪ I'm gonna leave you
anyway♪
53
00:02:46,514 --> 00:02:49,081
♪ Gonna leave you anyway.♪
54
00:03:05,446 --> 00:03:07,448
♪
55
00:03:20,548 --> 00:03:22,332
Brilliant,
56
00:03:22,376 --> 00:03:26,075
absolutely brilliant.
57
00:03:31,515 --> 00:03:36,259
Gretchen, something
amazing's happened!
58
00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:38,392
What? You come back for thirds?
59
00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:40,698
What?
60
00:03:43,135 --> 00:03:44,963
Library card.
I just got a library card.
61
00:03:45,007 --> 00:03:48,053
Not exactly amazing news,
but you're on a come high.
62
00:03:48,097 --> 00:03:49,359
I've been there.
63
00:03:53,363 --> 00:03:54,756
What?
64
00:03:54,799 --> 00:03:58,281
How's someone in a wheelchair
supposed to walk to their ride?
65
00:03:58,325 --> 00:04:00,414
Come on, Jimmy, think.
66
00:04:18,214 --> 00:04:19,563
[muffled screaming]
67
00:04:26,831 --> 00:04:28,137
[sighs]
68
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:36,145
♪
69
00:05:04,826 --> 00:05:07,524
[beeping]
70
00:05:29,677 --> 00:05:31,896
[beeping]
71
00:05:44,692 --> 00:05:46,955
[toilet flushes]
72
00:05:46,998 --> 00:05:49,087
Lindsay, you have
your own office.
73
00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:53,265
I do? Awesome.
Does it have a sex toilet?
74
00:05:53,309 --> 00:05:54,789
Here's your breakfast,
Ms. Cottumaccio.
75
00:05:54,832 --> 00:05:57,226
Hmm. Apparently,
I have an office,
76
00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:58,749
so I'll need some supplies.
77
00:05:58,793 --> 00:06:00,751
Uh, kitty posters
with inspiring quotes,
78
00:06:00,795 --> 00:06:04,668
finger paints, a sex toilet,
popcorn machine, etcets.
79
00:06:04,712 --> 00:06:05,582
Who are you?
80
00:06:05,626 --> 00:06:06,583
He's my new assistant.
81
00:06:06,627 --> 00:06:08,411
I'm actually your assistant.
82
00:06:08,455 --> 00:06:09,543
I have an assistant?
83
00:06:09,586 --> 00:06:11,458
Dismissed.
84
00:06:11,501 --> 00:06:13,547
So, what do Sam and the boys
think about me
85
00:06:13,590 --> 00:06:15,462
being their whatchamacallit,
paleontologist?
86
00:06:15,505 --> 00:06:17,289
Publicist.
87
00:06:17,333 --> 00:06:20,118
I haven't told them yet.
Sam takes rejection really hard.
88
00:06:20,162 --> 00:06:23,034
Mm, we should do it someplace
fun to soften the blow,
89
00:06:23,078 --> 00:06:24,819
like the beach or a rub 'n tug.
90
00:06:24,862 --> 00:06:29,127
Good idea.
But I have to do it alone.
91
00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:30,694
Meanwhile, you need to focus
92
00:06:30,738 --> 00:06:32,435
and learn how
to actually do the job.
93
00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:34,002
Fine, but for the record,
94
00:06:34,045 --> 00:06:36,483
I really only took this gig
to be closer to you,
95
00:06:36,526 --> 00:06:39,007
since you're ditching me
to become a stupid wife.
96
00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:41,705
Literally nothing will change
97
00:06:41,749 --> 00:06:43,446
except that my debt
will be on the J-dog
98
00:06:43,490 --> 00:06:45,361
and the beejays will
slow to a trickle
99
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,364
because... [chuckles] come on.
100
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,149
[exhales] Hmm.
101
00:06:51,193 --> 00:06:55,371
PAUL:
Mm-hmm. I'm glad you called me.
102
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,678
You're not the only person
to make a foolish purchase
103
00:06:57,721 --> 00:06:59,462
upon receiving
their first big check.
104
00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:02,334
Why, when I received my first
105
00:07:02,378 --> 00:07:03,727
stout remittance,
106
00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:06,513
I went absolutely cuckoo
107
00:07:06,556 --> 00:07:10,821
and purchased a 20,000-piece
puzzle of the Eye of the Sahara.
108
00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:12,954
[laughs]
109
00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:15,957
That was a decadent three weeks.
110
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:19,613
Anyway, the puzzle
we're focused on today
111
00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:22,485
is called,
"Jimmy's financial future."
112
00:07:22,529 --> 00:07:24,269
Yeah, I was really
just thinking about,
113
00:07:24,313 --> 00:07:26,750
like, opening a CD or something.
114
00:07:26,794 --> 00:07:28,535
Jimmy. You're asking
for flank steak
115
00:07:28,578 --> 00:07:31,189
when I'm about to offer you
dry-aged Wagyu.
116
00:07:31,233 --> 00:07:34,715
$700,000 is a robust start.
117
00:07:34,758 --> 00:07:38,283
Assuming a continued
upward career trajectory,
118
00:07:38,327 --> 00:07:40,677
you'll be part of
the one percent in no time.
119
00:07:42,244 --> 00:07:45,203
Can you imagine? Me?
120
00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:47,336
A one-percenter.
121
00:07:47,379 --> 00:07:48,903
Cabins in Aspen,
122
00:07:48,946 --> 00:07:52,776
golf with corrupt politicians,
an embarrassing car collection
123
00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:55,649
kept in some Van Nuysian
airport hangar.
124
00:07:55,692 --> 00:07:57,085
Now you're getting it.
125
00:07:57,128 --> 00:07:59,304
I mean, I've always felt elite.
126
00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:00,958
You know, when Gretchen said
that she...
127
00:08:01,002 --> 00:08:02,699
Oh, dear. Does Gretchen
know about the money?
128
00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:04,571
Not-not yet, but...
129
00:08:04,614 --> 00:08:06,311
-Quick, give me a dollar.
-What? Why?
130
00:08:06,355 --> 00:08:08,270
Just do it!
131
00:08:09,358 --> 00:08:10,577
Okay.
132
00:08:10,620 --> 00:08:14,537
Phew. We've now established
confidentiality.
133
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:16,713
Do you know
about Gretchen's debt?
134
00:08:16,757 --> 00:08:18,715
Yeah, but how do you?
135
00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:22,458
She's tried to open countless
credit cards in my name.
136
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,592
Gretchen's what we call an S.D.,
a Super Dependent,
137
00:08:25,635 --> 00:08:29,421
like Rob Kardashian, or a dog
whose back legs don't work.
138
00:08:29,465 --> 00:08:31,598
Are you saying that
I should never tell Gretchen
139
00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:33,687
-about the money?
-As someone who believes
140
00:08:33,730 --> 00:08:36,820
in complete honesty
between romantic partners,
141
00:08:36,864 --> 00:08:39,606
I would say hiding something
like this is not recommended.
142
00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:42,260
-Yeah.
-As your financial advisor,
143
00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:44,915
I would say, "What money?"
144
00:08:44,959 --> 00:08:47,570
[laughs]
145
00:08:47,614 --> 00:08:50,486
Well, back to the office.
146
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,140
[door opens]
147
00:08:52,183 --> 00:08:53,707
-Edgar.
-Jimmy.
148
00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:55,578
It's my abuelita.
149
00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:57,754
She's sick, Jimmy. [sobs]
150
00:08:57,798 --> 00:08:59,364
Why are you telling me?
151
00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:01,628
I can't help her.
I don't have any money.
152
00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:04,631
EDGAR:
Oh. Thank God you believed me.
153
00:09:04,674 --> 00:09:06,850
I just need an excuse to get
out of work because yesterday
154
00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:09,636
Paul F. Tompkins made me drink
two liters of split pea soup.
155
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:11,855
But also, geez, loud and clear.
156
00:09:11,899 --> 00:09:16,643
[Edgar breathes deeply]
157
00:09:16,686 --> 00:09:18,819
Edgar. I was just
picking up breakfast.
158
00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:20,603
I hope you like cronuts.
159
00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:21,952
Oh. That's right, you don't.
160
00:09:21,996 --> 00:09:23,650
Maybe you'll have a few anyway?
161
00:09:23,693 --> 00:09:24,868
Oh, that's actually
what I was calling about.
162
00:09:24,912 --> 00:09:28,872
It's... my... grandma.
163
00:09:28,916 --> 00:09:29,743
[cries]
164
00:09:29,786 --> 00:09:31,745
She's really sick.
165
00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:34,617
We-we don't know
how much longer she has.
166
00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:36,619
So I can't come in to work.
167
00:09:36,663 --> 00:09:39,622
Oh, my gosh, I had no idea.
168
00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:40,884
Take as much time as you need.
169
00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:42,625
Oh, thank you.
170
00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:45,410
Please. And let us know
if there's anything we can do.
171
00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:48,065
I will.
172
00:09:48,109 --> 00:09:50,894
Well, he seems like a monster.
173
00:09:50,938 --> 00:09:53,854
Gosh, maybe I've just been
too sensitive.
174
00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:55,899
I mean, a good fireworks display
does make you cry.
175
00:09:55,943 --> 00:09:59,773
-[knock on door]
-So, yeah, probably.
176
00:09:59,816 --> 00:10:00,817
Hmm.
177
00:10:01,818 --> 00:10:04,516
Ugh, what's wrong with you?
178
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:07,215
-[crying]: Have you seen Vernon?
-I try not to.
179
00:10:07,258 --> 00:10:10,697
Oh, Jimmy.
I'm so worried about him.
180
00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:12,829
With the embarrassment
of his medical license
181
00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:15,092
being suspended
and losing the house,
182
00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:16,877
not to mention Tallulah's eye
really going downhill,
183
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:18,879
he's a wreck.
184
00:10:18,922 --> 00:10:22,230
He left this morning without
his phone or his wallet, Jimmy.
185
00:10:22,273 --> 00:10:25,668
Becca, trust me.
Vernon is far, far too stupid
186
00:10:25,712 --> 00:10:27,278
to be suicidal.
187
00:10:27,322 --> 00:10:30,499
Really?
I hope you're right.
188
00:10:30,542 --> 00:10:33,545
Could I take a shower?
Lindsay's water got shut off.
189
00:10:34,938 --> 00:10:37,375
-Two minutes,
but purely for hygiene. -Mm-hmm.
190
00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:41,205
No sighing in relief
and no steam.
191
00:10:42,511 --> 00:10:44,513
[shower running]
192
00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:50,737
Debase me, Jimmy,
like old times.
193
00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:52,695
I'm at rock bottom.
194
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:55,263
Use my body so that
I might feel something.
195
00:10:55,306 --> 00:10:59,746
Uh, while I do find
Alcoholic Housewife Cosette
196
00:10:59,789 --> 00:11:01,748
to be a good look for you,
197
00:11:01,791 --> 00:11:03,750
I'm gonna have
to issue a hard pass.
198
00:11:03,793 --> 00:11:06,927
[cries]
199
00:11:06,970 --> 00:11:11,801
Please, just hold me, then.
200
00:11:11,845 --> 00:11:15,065
Ah. Jesus, woman.
201
00:11:15,109 --> 00:11:17,981
Let's not snot up
the linens now.
202
00:11:19,330 --> 00:11:20,723
Gotcha.
203
00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:21,942
-Oh.
-[camera clicks]
204
00:11:21,985 --> 00:11:24,727
[laughs] Paul told me
you're loaded.
205
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:26,773
And if you don't slice me off
a hunk of that cheddar,
206
00:11:26,816 --> 00:11:30,428
then this photo goes straight to
your precious little fiancée.
207
00:11:30,472 --> 00:11:32,387
Checkmate, asswipe.
208
00:11:32,430 --> 00:11:33,780
That's your big play?
209
00:11:33,823 --> 00:11:35,956
Please, she'd think
it's hilarious.
210
00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:37,784
I'll do it! I swear I will!
211
00:11:37,827 --> 00:11:40,874
By contrast,
a good play would be,
212
00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:42,571
just off the top of my head,
213
00:11:42,614 --> 00:11:46,357
my declaration that if
you don't pay me $500...
214
00:11:46,401 --> 00:11:48,316
-[scoffs]
-...I'll send this picture
215
00:11:48,359 --> 00:11:50,666
to that horrid mother of yours
so she'll know
216
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,450
that her own daughter
lied to her
217
00:11:52,494 --> 00:11:54,104
about having a vaginal birth.
218
00:11:54,148 --> 00:11:55,410
[gasps]
219
00:12:02,852 --> 00:12:05,072
I will Venmo you.
220
00:12:12,383 --> 00:12:16,387
[whoops] Look at me!
I'm flying, bitches.
221
00:12:16,431 --> 00:12:18,389
Stop flapping your arms.
You're gonna hurt someone.
222
00:12:18,433 --> 00:12:19,826
I'm Honey Nutz!
223
00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:21,828
♪ So I be break-breakin'
hea-hearts♪
224
00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:23,960
♪ Pops told me to watch my hos♪
225
00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:26,833
♪ Oh, at the rainbow there
may not be a pot of gold♪
226
00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:29,052
♪ No freein' myself
from cutie pies on the jock♪
227
00:12:29,096 --> 00:12:31,054
♪ I warn ya
but like a fugitive...♪
228
00:12:31,098 --> 00:12:32,839
Who's ready for the piñata?
229
00:12:32,882 --> 00:12:35,015
-Oh, me first!
-Oh, yeah. Wait, I'll take that.
230
00:12:35,058 --> 00:12:36,625
-Give me that stick.
-Isn't this great?
231
00:12:36,668 --> 00:12:38,801
-Aren't you guys having fun?
-Hmm.
232
00:12:38,845 --> 00:12:40,063
[sighs] I'm sorry.
233
00:12:40,107 --> 00:12:41,717
I know you told me
not to say anything,
234
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,153
but we need to talk
about Honey Nutz.
235
00:12:43,197 --> 00:12:44,938
What is there to talk about?
236
00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:46,504
There's a clown.
237
00:12:46,548 --> 00:12:49,812
[horn tooting]
238
00:12:49,856 --> 00:12:52,075
Wh-Where is Zachary?
239
00:12:52,119 --> 00:12:54,077
I don't know
anyone named Zachary.
240
00:12:54,121 --> 00:12:56,036
He says hi.
241
00:12:56,079 --> 00:12:58,952
[chuckles]: I can't believe
you rebooted Honey Nutz.
242
00:13:04,305 --> 00:13:07,047
Bitch, do you know how much time
243
00:13:07,090 --> 00:13:08,744
I spent building that character?
244
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,006
You think I'd give that up
245
00:13:10,050 --> 00:13:11,486
just 'cause Honey Nutz One
aged out?
246
00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:12,879
This is weird, right?
247
00:13:12,922 --> 00:13:14,881
So, uh,
248
00:13:14,924 --> 00:13:17,884
anyways, did I tell you guys
about my promotion?
249
00:13:19,102 --> 00:13:20,843
Wh-What's wrong?
250
00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:22,845
This is precisely how my parents
251
00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:24,020
told me they were
getting divorced.
252
00:13:24,064 --> 00:13:25,848
They thought it wouldn't hurt
as much over mini golf.
253
00:13:25,892 --> 00:13:28,982
Now every time I see a windmill,
I throw up.
254
00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:31,723
-That's why I can never go
to the Netherlands. -Come on.
255
00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:35,118
Gretchen wouldn't throw us
a carnival to give us bad news.
256
00:13:35,162 --> 00:13:36,641
She's not a monster.
257
00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:38,861
Guys, this is good news.
258
00:13:38,905 --> 00:13:40,689
-You're dumping us.
-I'm not dumping you.
259
00:13:40,732 --> 00:13:42,343
So we can still call you
whenever?
260
00:13:42,386 --> 00:13:43,735
Absolutely.
261
00:13:43,779 --> 00:13:46,086
You just call
your new point person,
262
00:13:46,129 --> 00:13:47,130
and they'll loop me in
if it's an emergency.
263
00:13:47,174 --> 00:13:48,915
And who is our new point person?
264
00:13:48,958 --> 00:13:51,439
Lindsay.
Isn't that amazing?
265
00:13:51,482 --> 00:13:53,963
I knew it!
You're abandoning us.
266
00:13:54,007 --> 00:13:55,965
Bitch!
I hate you!
267
00:13:58,750 --> 00:14:02,798
Your work has long been subpar,
but this still stings.
268
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:21,948
All right, Edgar.
269
00:14:21,991 --> 00:14:22,949
I need to ask your advice
on something.
270
00:14:22,992 --> 00:14:24,733
-[phone rings]
-Hold it.
271
00:14:24,776 --> 00:14:26,561
Hold that thought.
272
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,567
[exhales]
273
00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:34,134
Hello, Mr. Tompkins.
274
00:14:34,177 --> 00:14:37,006
Edgar, there's the face
I wanted to time with.
275
00:14:37,050 --> 00:14:38,486
Any update onAbuelita?
276
00:14:38,529 --> 00:14:40,140
Sadly, yes.
277
00:14:40,183 --> 00:14:42,055
She's taken a turn
for the worse.
278
00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:44,013
That's curious.
279
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:45,972
Because she looks
just fine to me.
280
00:14:46,015 --> 00:14:48,800
Um, I'm sorry, can...
can you repeat that?
281
00:14:48,844 --> 00:14:52,282
I said yourabuelita
looks just fine to me. See?
282
00:14:52,326 --> 00:14:53,980
Hola,mi tesoro.
283
00:14:54,023 --> 00:14:56,112
Your friend Paul--
he's so nice.
284
00:14:56,156 --> 00:14:58,419
[chuckles]:
It's a miracle, right?
285
00:14:58,462 --> 00:15:00,073
One minute she's taking a turn
for the worse,
286
00:15:00,116 --> 00:15:02,205
the next she's headed to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles
287
00:15:02,249 --> 00:15:04,164
with the nicest guy in comedy.
288
00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:06,557
We're getting waffles
with chicken, Edgar.
289
00:15:06,601 --> 00:15:09,647
[laughs] So, since she's had
this miraculous recovery,
290
00:15:09,691 --> 00:15:12,041
I guess you can make it
into the office after all.
291
00:15:12,085 --> 00:15:15,044
Don't eat before.
We'll order in.
292
00:15:15,088 --> 00:15:17,655
So, I got this huge check.
293
00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:19,092
And you know the saying:
294
00:15:19,135 --> 00:15:22,008
"mo' money, mo' issues
with which to contend."
295
00:15:22,051 --> 00:15:24,010
If I tell Gretchen,
296
00:15:24,053 --> 00:15:26,664
then it will naturally change
our power dynamics.
297
00:15:26,708 --> 00:15:28,231
I will be perceived
298
00:15:28,275 --> 00:15:30,799
as an authority figure,
and then Gretchen will resist
299
00:15:30,842 --> 00:15:33,019
because she hates authority.
300
00:15:33,062 --> 00:15:34,759
I mean, I don't want to be
301
00:15:34,803 --> 00:15:36,892
The Man in our relationship.
302
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,676
Oh, that last part
came out weird.
303
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,591
You did just hear
that Paul F. Tompkins
304
00:15:40,635 --> 00:15:43,159
kidnapped my grandmother, right?
305
00:15:43,203 --> 00:15:46,771
To be fair, I believe I started
talking before the call.
306
00:15:46,815 --> 00:15:50,471
Besides, a comedian taking
your grandmother out to dinner
307
00:15:50,514 --> 00:15:52,560
does not sound like a problem.
308
00:15:52,603 --> 00:15:56,607
Ihave a problem.
I am incredibly rich.
309
00:16:03,397 --> 00:16:05,399
[knocking at door]
310
00:16:10,404 --> 00:16:13,059
Jimmy, I have to apologize
for Bec's behavior.
311
00:16:13,102 --> 00:16:15,148
That was gross and inexcusable.
312
00:16:15,191 --> 00:16:17,585
Yeah, I agree.
Your wife is gross,
313
00:16:17,628 --> 00:16:19,195
and there's no excuse for it.
314
00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:22,807
Ever since I was born dead,
people-- life--
315
00:16:22,851 --> 00:16:24,896
have seemed ruled purely
by chaos.
316
00:16:24,940 --> 00:16:27,073
But losing everything
317
00:16:27,116 --> 00:16:29,640
has finally allowed me
to slow down,
318
00:16:29,684 --> 00:16:33,253
and I can see there's an order
to everything.
319
00:16:33,296 --> 00:16:35,907
Becca's the perfect example.
320
00:16:35,951 --> 00:16:37,822
Our whole marriage,
I could never predict
321
00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:39,694
what she was gonna do
from moment to moment.
322
00:16:39,737 --> 00:16:42,305
But now? The moment she learned
you had a few bucks,
323
00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:44,046
I knew exactly
what she was gonna do.
324
00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:46,831
Run over here to raise her tail.
325
00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:49,530
And I'm not mad at her.
You know why?
326
00:16:49,573 --> 00:16:52,098
Because losing everything--
327
00:16:52,141 --> 00:16:54,491
it's actually made us
close again.
328
00:16:54,535 --> 00:16:57,886
Take last night-- after Tallulah
went to sleep in her drawer,
329
00:16:57,929 --> 00:16:59,235
Becca and I fired up a joint,
330
00:16:59,279 --> 00:17:01,672
we sat on Lindsay's couch,
watching TV,
331
00:17:01,716 --> 00:17:04,197
laughing about this and that.
332
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,677
And, unprompted,
333
00:17:06,721 --> 00:17:10,203
she started giving me
a hand job.
334
00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:13,858
And, Jimmy, I started to weep.
335
00:17:13,902 --> 00:17:16,731
There she was, the woman I love,
336
00:17:16,774 --> 00:17:18,298
sipping on boxed Chablis
337
00:17:18,341 --> 00:17:20,300
and spitting in her hand.
338
00:17:20,343 --> 00:17:24,434
I could really see her
for the first time.
339
00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:27,307
And now that I can,
I never want to stop.
340
00:17:27,350 --> 00:17:30,745
I don't want to go back
to the fog of work,
341
00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:32,877
accomplishments, achievement,
342
00:17:32,921 --> 00:17:34,096
money, money, money,
343
00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:36,229
taking everything
for fucking granted.
344
00:17:36,272 --> 00:17:38,492
I will not do that again.
345
00:17:38,535 --> 00:17:40,711
I will not, goddamn it.
346
00:17:40,755 --> 00:17:44,367
All we have are moments, Jimmy.
347
00:17:44,411 --> 00:17:46,152
Like that hand job.
348
00:17:46,195 --> 00:17:47,588
Like this moment.
349
00:17:47,631 --> 00:17:50,156
You sew enough
of those moments together,
350
00:17:50,199 --> 00:17:51,592
and, the next thing you know,
351
00:17:51,635 --> 00:17:55,378
you have a life
worth really seeing.
352
00:17:55,422 --> 00:17:59,165
Which is why I need you
to give me $14,000
353
00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:02,124
so I can convert
this Korean meatball truck
354
00:18:02,168 --> 00:18:03,560
into a roving medical unit.
355
00:18:03,604 --> 00:18:05,127
What do you say?
356
00:18:05,171 --> 00:18:06,781
You in or what?
357
00:18:06,824 --> 00:18:08,391
What?
358
00:18:08,435 --> 00:18:09,349
No.
359
00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:11,916
Well, had to try.
360
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,701
[line ringing]
361
00:18:13,744 --> 00:18:15,137
Hey, babe.
362
00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:16,747
Nah, it didn't work
for me either.
363
00:18:16,791 --> 00:18:18,314
Yeah, he's being a jerk-off.
364
00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:19,837
Meet you out front in ten.
365
00:18:19,881 --> 00:18:21,404
Can we stop at Yogurtland?
366
00:18:21,448 --> 00:18:23,014
Aw, come on!
367
00:18:24,059 --> 00:18:25,756
She's on her way.
368
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,845
-You gonna eat
that grilled cheese? -[door opens]
369
00:18:27,889 --> 00:18:30,152
-[door closes]
-GRETCHEN: Ugh. Who knew rappers could be
370
00:18:30,196 --> 00:18:32,067
-so temperamental?
-What's up, Gretch?
371
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,373
Congrats on the big news.
372
00:18:33,416 --> 00:18:35,288
My promotion?
373
00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:37,290
You got promoted? Tight.
374
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:38,334
-[knocking]
-[mouthing]
375
00:18:38,378 --> 00:18:39,857
That must be Lindser.
376
00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:42,295
We're finally gonna try
champ-pons tonight.
377
00:18:42,338 --> 00:18:44,340
-Hmm?
-Champagne tampons?
378
00:18:44,384 --> 00:18:46,125
It's huge on Reddit.
379
00:18:50,259 --> 00:18:52,000
[Sam groans]
380
00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:53,567
Famous rappers. Noice!
381
00:18:53,610 --> 00:18:55,786
Put me in a video.
Don't be dicks.
382
00:18:55,830 --> 00:18:57,397
SAM:
We just came to tell you
383
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,268
face-to-face
that you're not leaving us.
384
00:18:59,312 --> 00:19:01,227
Because we're leaving you first.
385
00:19:01,270 --> 00:19:02,445
Oh, snap.
386
00:19:02,489 --> 00:19:04,230
-[sighs]
-Is that something I would say?
387
00:19:04,273 --> 00:19:05,579
I am not leaving you guys.
388
00:19:05,622 --> 00:19:08,190
I am just expanding my team.
389
00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:09,757
I know you're worried
Lindsay won't be up
390
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,280
for running point,
but I'm holding her hand
391
00:19:11,324 --> 00:19:12,325
through everything.
392
00:19:12,368 --> 00:19:13,804
Plus, she's crazy matured.
393
00:19:13,848 --> 00:19:15,676
LINDSAY:
[cackling] Yee-haw!
394
00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:19,897
[laughs] ♪ Oh, our pussies
getting drunk tonight.♪
395
00:19:19,941 --> 00:19:22,378
[laughs]
Oh, hey.
396
00:19:22,422 --> 00:19:24,337
Well, if it isn't
my new favorite clients.
397
00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:26,469
SHITSTAIN:
We're not your clients.
398
00:19:26,513 --> 00:19:28,428
-We're leaving Caliber.
-Oh, what's Caliber?
399
00:19:28,471 --> 00:19:30,778
LINDSAY:
Look, guys, I get it.
400
00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:34,347
Change is scary, but Gretch
has laid a killer foundation
401
00:19:34,390 --> 00:19:35,913
and I'm gonna take you
to the next level.
402
00:19:35,957 --> 00:19:37,219
Psh. How?
403
00:19:37,263 --> 00:19:39,047
Let's not get into specifics
right now...
404
00:19:39,090 --> 00:19:40,309
Vice, Complex,and The Source
405
00:19:40,353 --> 00:19:42,006
are coming to town next week
to do a press tour
406
00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:44,008
to reinvigorate the brand. Plus,
407
00:19:44,052 --> 00:19:45,445
I've been talking
to a Swedish promoter,
408
00:19:45,488 --> 00:19:46,663
where you guys are very popular,
409
00:19:46,707 --> 00:19:48,404
and we're working up
a mini tour.
410
00:19:48,448 --> 00:19:52,321
If we avoid the windmill parts,
that could be cool.
411
00:19:52,365 --> 00:19:54,280
It's a great way to publicize
the new material.
412
00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:56,499
We don't have new material.
413
00:19:56,543 --> 00:19:58,066
What?
[chuckles]
414
00:19:58,109 --> 00:19:59,415
Well, you're gonna need some.
415
00:19:59,459 --> 00:20:01,461
Chop, chop.
416
00:20:01,504 --> 00:20:02,244
That's one motivating bitch.
417
00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:04,290
-Yeah, she's good.
-Mm.
418
00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:06,292
-I'm Honey Nutz.
-Shut up.
419
00:20:06,335 --> 00:20:08,119
What was that?
420
00:20:08,163 --> 00:20:11,253
-How did you...
-This job is not that hard, Gretch.
421
00:20:11,297 --> 00:20:13,603
It's just asking for things,
and I'm a really good asker.
422
00:20:13,647 --> 00:20:16,258
Because you have no shame.
423
00:20:16,302 --> 00:20:17,259
Exactly.
424
00:20:17,303 --> 00:20:19,043
[inhales deeply]
425
00:20:19,087 --> 00:20:22,656
Mmm.
[sniffing]
426
00:20:22,699 --> 00:20:24,484
[sniffing]
427
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:27,617
Mmm, what's going on with you?
428
00:20:27,661 --> 00:20:29,445
Why do I want to suck your dick?
429
00:20:29,489 --> 00:20:31,926
-Because you're Lindsay?
-No.
430
00:20:31,969 --> 00:20:33,928
Usually, this only happens
when I'm around
431
00:20:33,971 --> 00:20:37,323
someone who...
432
00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:39,629
Listen, apparently,
everyone already knows,
433
00:20:39,673 --> 00:20:41,196
and you're gonna
find out soon anyway,
434
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,197
-so...
-PAUL: Jimmy,
435
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,112
here's your dollar back.
436
00:20:44,155 --> 00:20:46,680
I broke your confidentiality.
I told Becca. I'm sorry.
437
00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:47,898
-Told Becca what?
-Finding out
438
00:20:47,942 --> 00:20:49,204
when someone has money
439
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,075
is the Cottumaccio superpower.
440
00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:54,949
Don't worry, I plan on reporting
myself to the FDIC.
441
00:20:54,992 --> 00:20:57,081
-Jimmy, what is he sorry for?
What money? -Well, that's what
442
00:20:57,125 --> 00:20:58,561
-I want to talk to you about.
-I knew
443
00:20:58,605 --> 00:21:00,694
I wanted to suck your dick
for a reason.
444
00:21:00,737 --> 00:21:02,348
-Vernon?
-Right here, babe.
445
00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:04,350
I'm eating
a secondhand cheese sammy.
446
00:21:04,393 --> 00:21:06,700
That's the least
that fink could give us.
447
00:21:06,743 --> 00:21:08,571
What the hell is going on?
448
00:21:08,615 --> 00:21:10,399
Jimmy's about to become
an angel investor
449
00:21:10,443 --> 00:21:13,184
-in my surgeries-in-a-food-truck
business. -No!
450
00:21:13,228 --> 00:21:14,969
We need out of Lindsay's hovel.
451
00:21:15,012 --> 00:21:16,797
-[sighs]
-You ruined a perfectly good...
452
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,843
[overlapping arguing]
453
00:21:22,846 --> 00:21:25,371
[sighs]
454
00:21:25,414 --> 00:21:27,547
Oh, my God!
455
00:21:27,590 --> 00:21:28,461
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
456
00:21:28,504 --> 00:21:31,377
I was just worried
that it would change things.
457
00:21:31,420 --> 00:21:33,379
Jimmy,
458
00:21:33,422 --> 00:21:35,946
if I cared about money,
I would've married Ty
459
00:21:35,990 --> 00:21:40,386
or Chingy or any of the other
countless rich guys I've banged.
460
00:21:40,429 --> 00:21:43,258
I'm not horny for stuff, dummy.
Never have been.
461
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:44,390
I'm just a bottomless pit
462
00:21:44,433 --> 00:21:46,827
of need for constant
male validation.
463
00:21:46,870 --> 00:21:48,742
-That's comforting.
-And, besides,
464
00:21:48,785 --> 00:21:50,787
you've already given me
the greatest gift in the world.
465
00:21:50,831 --> 00:21:53,399
-My love.
-You ate your come.
466
00:21:53,442 --> 00:21:57,577
Because I told you
it was important to me.
467
00:21:57,620 --> 00:21:59,840
And then you did it
a second time for some reason.
468
00:21:59,883 --> 00:22:02,582
-Stop.
-Well, you must've really liked it.
469
00:22:02,625 --> 00:22:04,192
No, I... no, I didn't like it!
470
00:22:04,235 --> 00:22:06,281
Then why'd you gobble it all up?
[chuckles]
471
00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:09,023
I was making sure it tasted
as weird as I thought it did.
472
00:22:10,981 --> 00:22:12,505
Aw...
473
00:22:12,548 --> 00:22:15,072
[arguing continues indistinctly]
474
00:22:17,248 --> 00:22:21,383
[overlapping arguing]
475
00:22:26,475 --> 00:22:27,694
[shutter clicks]
476
00:22:30,566 --> 00:22:31,828
VERNON:
Jimmy, we've all been talking,
477
00:22:31,872 --> 00:22:33,613
and we're sorry
we all bum-rushed you for help.
478
00:22:33,656 --> 00:22:35,179
That wasn't fair.
479
00:22:35,223 --> 00:22:37,486
What's fair is giving each
of us $10,000
480
00:22:37,530 --> 00:22:38,879
-and calling it even.
-[phone chimes]
481
00:22:38,922 --> 00:22:41,447
Just get your checkbook
and let's end the madness.
482
00:22:41,490 --> 00:22:43,231
The money's gone.
483
00:22:43,274 --> 00:22:46,016
What did she do with it?
What did you do with it?
484
00:22:46,060 --> 00:22:48,279
She didn't do anything. I did.
485
00:22:48,323 --> 00:22:50,325
I just paid off my mortgage.
486
00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:53,459
[Lindsay sniffing]
487
00:22:53,502 --> 00:22:56,026
He did.
488
00:22:56,070 --> 00:22:59,290
I no longer wish to suck
the dick for money reasons.
489
00:22:59,334 --> 00:23:01,771
Ever since you got that check,
490
00:23:01,815 --> 00:23:03,904
you just think
you're so superior, huh?
491
00:23:03,947 --> 00:23:06,297
I've always thought
I was superior.
492
00:23:06,341 --> 00:23:08,299
Now, if you could
all please leave.
493
00:23:08,343 --> 00:23:10,127
What if I told you guys
about a business opportunity
494
00:23:10,171 --> 00:23:12,347
where people could get
outpatient medical care
495
00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:13,870
in a Korean food truck?
496
00:23:13,914 --> 00:23:15,481
I'm listening.
497
00:23:17,483 --> 00:23:18,701
You paid off the house?
498
00:23:18,745 --> 00:23:20,050
I did.
499
00:23:20,094 --> 00:23:22,488
For our future.
500
00:23:25,621 --> 00:23:27,623
Now, let's christen this bitch.
501
00:23:32,193 --> 00:23:34,151
Where is my car?
502
00:23:34,195 --> 00:23:37,459
How dare they leave someone
with full-blown polio.
503
00:23:37,503 --> 00:23:39,461
I canceled your Lyft.
504
00:23:39,505 --> 00:23:42,290
[groans]
Jimmy,
505
00:23:42,333 --> 00:23:46,642
please tell me you did not fix
my hunk of shit car.
506
00:23:46,686 --> 00:23:49,297
A possum just gave birth
in the engine block.
507
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:53,040
[screams]
508
00:23:53,083 --> 00:23:55,085
[squealing]
509
00:23:55,129 --> 00:23:58,872
Oh! I have always wanted
a big ribbon!
510
00:23:58,915 --> 00:24:01,527
Jimmy!
[sniffles]
511
00:24:01,570 --> 00:24:02,876
A new car.
512
00:24:02,919 --> 00:24:05,661
A forever house.
513
00:24:05,705 --> 00:24:09,317
Don't look now, but I think we
might be turning into grown-ups.
514
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:11,580
[both chuckle]
515
00:24:15,584 --> 00:24:16,542
Pancakes?
516
00:24:16,585 --> 00:24:18,674
Let's do it!
517
00:24:21,721 --> 00:24:26,769
♪ Hate the words
inside my head♪
518
00:24:26,813 --> 00:24:31,426
♪ Spat them out into a cup♪
519
00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:32,993
♪ Lock me up♪
520
00:24:33,036 --> 00:24:36,605
♪ Just lock me up♪
521
00:24:40,174 --> 00:24:44,918
-♪ Faces change
and n-n-naturally♪ -[door opens, closes]
522
00:24:44,961 --> 00:24:49,662
♪ Yours is melting
off your bones♪
523
00:24:49,705 --> 00:24:54,493
♪ It is falling to the floor♪
524
00:24:59,628 --> 00:25:04,415
♪ I think bad things♪
525
00:25:08,637 --> 00:25:13,424
♪ I host bad thoughts♪
526
00:25:14,774 --> 00:25:17,733
[dog barks]
527
00:25:20,780 --> 00:25:22,695
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
528
00:25:25,393 --> 00:25:27,308
[rock music playing]
529
00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:33,706
-How do I look?
-Like Mickey Rourke was stung by bees.
530
00:25:33,749 --> 00:25:35,664
Perfect. [sniffs]
531
00:25:35,708 --> 00:25:37,623
ANNOUNCER: You're the Worst. The final season.
532
00:25:37,666 --> 00:25:40,060
All new. Wednesdays at 10:00 only on FXX.
533
00:25:41,191 --> 00:25:45,413
[phone ringtone chiming]
534
00:25:50,897 --> 00:25:52,376
-[groans]
-ANNOUNCER: Better Things.
535
00:25:52,420 --> 00:25:55,902
All new, Thursdays at 10:00. Starts February 28 on FX.
536
00:25:55,952 --> 00:26:00,502
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
38614
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