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1
00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:09,634
- [DETERMINED MUSIC]
- [MEN] Whee! Whee!
2
00:00:09,718 --> 00:00:12,303
Guess what, bitch! You work for me now!
3
00:00:12,387 --> 00:00:14,639
Oh, boy, I'm so sorry. I was
just trying to be confident.
4
00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:16,558
Can I please be your client, please?
5
00:00:16,641 --> 00:00:19,019
Well, you're emotionally scarred
enough to be an actress.
6
00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:20,687
Oh, no, I don't wanna act.
7
00:00:20,770 --> 00:00:23,398
Although I would be amazing.
8
00:00:23,481 --> 00:00:25,525
[MELODRAMATICALLY] "Give
me back my baby, Derek."
9
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:28,361
I wrote and illustrated a book...
10
00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:31,656
double threat... and I wanna
get it in Oprah's Book Club.
11
00:00:31,740 --> 00:00:33,700
Although it's for kids.
12
00:00:33,783 --> 00:00:35,160
Is there a kid Oprah?
13
00:00:35,243 --> 00:00:38,580
[AS OPRAH] Who's turning seven?
14
00:00:38,663 --> 00:00:41,374
Kimmy, the book business is
all about self-promotion.
15
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:42,584
Oh, I've been promoting it.
16
00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:45,837
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
17
00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:47,172
[DOOR CLATTERS OPEN]
18
00:00:47,255 --> 00:00:49,257
Girl, after the Kimmy's
Talent Show debacle,
19
00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:50,925
I told you no more posters in my room.
20
00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:53,845
On the good ship Lollipop
21
00:00:53,928 --> 00:00:56,598
You can eat your lollipops
22
00:00:56,681 --> 00:00:57,682
-
You can eat 'em all day
- I can't believe
23
00:00:57,766 --> 00:00:59,100
I came out of my room for this.
24
00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:00,184
Okay.
25
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:06,024
Well, does The Legends of Greemulax
have an online presence?
26
00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:08,526
- Do you tweet?
- I do when I'm singing my morning jam,
27
00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:09,652
"Rockin' Robin."
28
00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:13,865
Search results for your book...
29
00:01:15,170 --> 00:01:16,201
One.
30
00:01:16,284 --> 00:01:17,994
That's actually hard to do.
31
00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:20,413
Are you doing a reading
at a bridal shop?
32
00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:21,706
What? No.
33
00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:25,752
It says here K.C. Schmidt is doing
a reading at Darryl's Bridal.
34
00:01:25,835 --> 00:01:27,295
Darryl's Bridal?
35
00:01:28,546 --> 00:01:29,756
- [KIMMY GASPS]
- [JACQUELINE] Ugh.
36
00:01:29,839 --> 00:01:31,591
That is not a good picture of you.
37
00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:33,718
That's not me. That's Fran Dodd!
38
00:01:33,802 --> 00:01:35,428
Well, she is rough.
39
00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:36,930
Ooh, he's going down
40
00:01:37,013 --> 00:01:39,182
to Feelbad Town!
41
00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:42,185
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
42
00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:47,260
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
43
00:01:47,398 --> 00:01:48,775
[BANKSTON]
Unbreakable
44
00:01:48,858 --> 00:01:50,235
They alive, damn it
45
00:01:50,318 --> 00:01:51,861
It's a miracle
46
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:52,946
Unbreakable
47
00:01:53,029 --> 00:01:54,447
They alive, damn it
48
00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:56,616
But females are strong as hell
49
00:01:56,699 --> 00:01:57,700
Unbreakable
50
00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:58,910
They alive, damn it
51
00:01:58,993 --> 00:02:00,537
It's a miracle
52
00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:01,830
Unbreakable
53
00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:03,039
They alive, damn it
54
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,332
That's gonna be, uh...
55
00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:07,293
you know, a fascinating transition.
56
00:02:07,330 --> 00:02:08,350
[SINGERS]
Damn it
57
00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:10,170
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN]
58
00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:11,673
[CHUCKLING] Hey, Titus.
59
00:02:11,756 --> 00:02:14,676
Your head is looking awfully
shiny this morning.
60
00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:15,969
What's the occasion?
61
00:02:16,052 --> 00:02:18,429
Jacqueline wants to meet
with me about an opportunity
62
00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:20,473
that could, quote, "change
both of our lives,"
63
00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,142
which could only mean one thing...
64
00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:24,561
- Murder-suicide.
- ... black Spider-Man. [GIGGLES]
65
00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:26,980
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
66
00:02:27,063 --> 00:02:29,649
Ugh, Sheba Goodman. No, thanks.
67
00:02:29,732 --> 00:02:31,484
Well, what if she needs something?
68
00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:33,820
Didn't your dead boyfriend make
you her mommy or whatever?
69
00:02:33,903 --> 00:02:35,572
I control her trust.
70
00:02:35,655 --> 00:02:37,991
And I know exactly what she wants:
71
00:02:38,074 --> 00:02:41,452
more money for one of her
stupid business ideas.
72
00:02:41,530 --> 00:02:42,559
It's a white-noise app,
73
00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:45,180
but instead of doing that
quiet sound for hours,
74
00:02:45,206 --> 00:02:48,310
it makes one loud sound
all at once. Time-saver.
75
00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:50,712
The largest human organ
is the skin, right?
76
00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:51,838
Not anymore!
77
00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:53,006
I need $10,000.
78
00:02:53,089 --> 00:02:56,509
I found the perfect space for
my year-round Halloween store.
79
00:02:56,590 --> 00:02:57,939
It's a year-round Christmas store
80
00:02:57,940 --> 00:02:59,344
that went out of business
for some reason.
81
00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:02,390
How is that woman Artie
Goodman's daughter?
82
00:03:02,473 --> 00:03:05,226
He used his money to
protect the environment.
83
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:08,104
He gave millions to Planned Parrot-hood.
84
00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:09,772
Did you say "Planned Parrot-hood"?
85
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,357
It's a big decision.
86
00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:14,819
They live forever, and they tell
the cops you shot your husband.
87
00:03:14,900 --> 00:03:17,459
Artie also started that day camp
88
00:03:17,460 --> 00:03:20,140
for at-risk children, Artie's Farties.
89
00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:21,284
Yeah, "farties"
90
00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:23,620
was a common nickname for children
91
00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:27,123
'cause they smell bad, they're
almost always an accident,
92
00:03:27,206 --> 00:03:30,084
and you have to be extra
worried if they're silent.
93
00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:32,587
And if you have a lot of
them, no one likes you.
94
00:03:32,670 --> 00:03:34,923
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
95
00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:36,549
[LILLIAN] Ugh.
96
00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:41,095
[IN POLISH] This phone
number is out of service.
97
00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:42,305
Beep!
98
00:03:42,388 --> 00:03:45,642
[IN ENGLISH] I learned that from
being ghosted by a Polish guy.
99
00:03:45,700 --> 00:03:46,720
[SNICKERS]
100
00:03:46,730 --> 00:03:48,311
101
00:03:48,394 --> 00:03:51,064
Titus, I found the perfect role for you:
102
00:03:51,147 --> 00:03:53,066
- boyfriend.
- Oh, Jacqueline.
103
00:03:53,149 --> 00:03:55,985
I thought this might happen, but
I only see you as a colleague
104
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,070
and an enemy.
105
00:03:57,153 --> 00:04:00,490
Not my boyfriend. I'm too
busy for a relationship.
106
00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:01,783
That's why I have Haruki.
107
00:04:01,866 --> 00:04:04,911
[ELECTRO-TRADITIONAL
FUSION MUSIC PLAYING]
108
00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:06,704
109
00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:09,749
[EXHALES] Secrets are easy when
you have no friends. [GIGGLES]
110
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:10,760
[INHALES]
111
00:04:10,780 --> 00:04:12,627
112
00:04:12,710 --> 00:04:14,539
I've been approached about placing you
113
00:04:14,540 --> 00:04:16,860
in a fake celebrity PR relationship,
114
00:04:17,020 --> 00:04:19,800
like Hiddleswift or TomKat
115
00:04:19,820 --> 00:04:20,830
or Blob.
116
00:04:20,843 --> 00:04:22,762
Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian?
117
00:04:22,845 --> 00:04:25,014
You'd be "dating" a
straight male celebrity
118
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,891
who needs to look gay for his fan base.
119
00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:29,519
Oh, a reverse beard,
also called an eyebrows.
120
00:04:29,602 --> 00:04:30,728
Do you know Tad Frye?
121
00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:33,940
He hosts that HGTV show Pad Thai
122
00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:35,566
where they renovate
your entire apartment
123
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,902
while you're stuck on the
toilet after eating Thai food.
124
00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:39,445
This is gonna be great.
125
00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:41,550
126
00:04:41,570 --> 00:04:42,590
[TOILET FLUSHES]
127
00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:44,367
I think I heard a flush.
128
00:04:45,743 --> 00:04:47,954
Tiffany. Surprise!
129
00:04:48,037 --> 00:04:49,622
While you were filling up your toilet,
130
00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:51,416
we gave you a sick new pad.
131
00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:53,084
- What?
- [TAD] Come on, check it out.
132
00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:54,294
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- [TAD] New flooring,
133
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:56,587
new cabinets, new quartz countertops.
134
00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:58,256
The whole... oh.
135
00:04:58,339 --> 00:04:59,549
The whole thing is new.
136
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:00,967
Thank you.
137
00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:04,137
I think I heard another flush,
so I'm off to the next project.
138
00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:05,471
That guy's straight?
139
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,598
Isn't he best friends with
Lisa Vanderpump's dog?
140
00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:10,393
That's what he wants you to think.
141
00:05:10,476 --> 00:05:15,440
But Tad was seen at Costco buying
paper towels in bulk with his wife.
142
00:05:15,523 --> 00:05:18,401
If this gets out, he'll
lose his sponsors,
143
00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:20,987
like Ellen's line of
homosexual patio furniture.
144
00:05:21,070 --> 00:05:23,156
Me with Tad Frye.
145
00:05:23,239 --> 00:05:24,657
Compared to that fabulosity,
146
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:27,910
Mikey's basic banker boyfriend
will look like a zero.
147
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:30,163
And I'll look like a hundred zeroes!
148
00:05:30,246 --> 00:05:32,248
So we all get something out of this.
149
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:35,168
Tad gets an eyebrows,
his agent owes me one,
150
00:05:35,251 --> 00:05:37,837
and you save the community
center or whatever.
151
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:40,339
- Make Mikey jealous.
- No, you're the best.
152
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:41,841
Thank you!
153
00:05:41,924 --> 00:05:44,093
Francis Merriwether Dodd!
154
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,262
Please! Don't hit me! [YELPS]
155
00:05:46,345 --> 00:05:48,890
You're taking credit for
my book. That's like tracing!
156
00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,225
What?
157
00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:53,770
You're K.C. Schmidt? I didn't know.
158
00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:55,521
Usually K and C are boys' letters.
159
00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:58,107
The girls' letters are V, Q, A, and M
160
00:05:58,191 --> 00:05:59,358
because N is her son.
161
00:05:59,442 --> 00:06:01,694
That's insane! The vowels are the girls.
162
00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:03,571
- Oh, yeah.
- Now, why'd you steal my book?
163
00:06:03,654 --> 00:06:05,782
It was an accident, okay?
164
00:06:05,860 --> 00:06:07,639
I was at a bookstore shoplifting books
165
00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:09,576
to burn at a men's rights rally.
166
00:06:09,577 --> 00:06:11,954
Nancy Drew doing the
work of two Hardy Boys?
167
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:13,831
[CHUCKLES] Shyeah, right.
168
00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:17,919
And then I saw this, like, handmade
book with, like, female knights.
169
00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:21,422
You mean the Rainbow Knights,
a play on Rainbow Brites?
170
00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:23,633
And when I got back to work,
it fell out of my bag,
171
00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:25,051
and she saw it...
172
00:06:25,134 --> 00:06:26,552
my coworker Monica.
173
00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:28,721
This is beautiful!
174
00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:32,350
The message of female
empowerment is so inspiring.
175
00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:34,602
[GENTLE MUSIC]
176
00:06:34,685 --> 00:06:36,437
[FRAN] And she just assumed I wrote it.
177
00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:37,772
[KIMMY] Why would she assume that?
178
00:06:37,855 --> 00:06:40,316
I did that. I made that. K.C.
Schmidt is my pen name.
179
00:06:40,399 --> 00:06:41,984
Girls can be knights too. I love you!
180
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,236
I don't know.
181
00:06:43,319 --> 00:06:46,656
But now she's my girlfriend,
and we French-kissed... sorry.
182
00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:47,750
Freedom-kissed.
183
00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,826
But look, please don't ruin this for me.
184
00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:51,828
I have not had a lot of girlfriends.
185
00:06:51,911 --> 00:06:53,663
I thought I had a girlfriend in
high school, but it turns out,
186
00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:55,873
she was just pranking me into
signing up for color guard.
187
00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:58,876
[ROUSING MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYING]
188
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,211
I'm not controlling it!
189
00:07:00,294 --> 00:07:03,714
It's controlling me! Girlfriend, help!
190
00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:06,843
Look, I am not trying to make
money or anything, I swear.
191
00:07:06,926 --> 00:07:08,970
Monica set up this "reading."
192
00:07:09,053 --> 00:07:10,388
Okay? No one's even gonna come.
193
00:07:10,471 --> 00:07:12,473
The only people who follow
her on Twitter are her mom
194
00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:13,850
and, of course, Taye Diggs.
195
00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:15,101
So what?
196
00:07:15,180 --> 00:07:16,479
I'm not gonna let you use my book
197
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:18,438
to trick some lady into
thinking you're nice.
198
00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:19,440
You're naughty.
199
00:07:19,470 --> 00:07:22,525
I saw Santa's list, and
it's coal for you, pal!
200
00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:24,068
No!
201
00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:27,238
I am nice. I have changed
because of your book.
202
00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:29,532
I don't go to men's
rights rallies anymore.
203
00:07:29,610 --> 00:07:32,019
I don't tweet female
video game designers
204
00:07:32,020 --> 00:07:33,640
that I am "inside their house."
205
00:07:33,661 --> 00:07:34,996
[CHUCKLES]
206
00:07:35,079 --> 00:07:38,040
Gosh, I forget why I even did
that in the first place.
207
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:39,792
Oh, and Dick Wayne.
208
00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:41,127
I get it now.
209
00:07:41,210 --> 00:07:43,004
He is off my Christmas card list.
210
00:07:43,087 --> 00:07:46,466
[SUSPICIOUS MUSIC]
211
00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:51,053
So my book changed your life
and made you a better person?
212
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:52,555
Is the pope a woman?
213
00:07:53,350 --> 00:07:54,474
No.
214
00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:56,559
But he should be.
215
00:07:57,670 --> 00:07:58,740
[MONICA] Sorry.
216
00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:00,605
Are you ready, Mr. Author?
217
00:08:00,688 --> 00:08:03,191
My mom and Taye Diggs
are in the other room.
218
00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:05,401
[GIGGLES] I love you.
Do you want a house?
219
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,695
- Ooh, yeah!
- [GIGGLING]
220
00:08:07,778 --> 00:08:09,947
[GIGGLING CONTINUES]
221
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:10,970
[MONICA SQUEALS]
222
00:08:10,980 --> 00:08:13,326
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
223
00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:16,454
[SMUG MUSIC]
224
00:08:16,537 --> 00:08:17,580
Hello, Michael.
225
00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:19,624
I'm glad I caught you during lunch.
226
00:08:19,707 --> 00:08:23,127
Nah, this is just a union-mandated
spaghetti break. What's up?
227
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:24,712
I know we were supposed
to hang out tonight...
228
00:08:24,795 --> 00:08:26,672
To watch E!'s Top Ten Wig Fires.
229
00:08:26,756 --> 00:08:28,090
[CHUCKLES] But I can't.
230
00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:31,302
I forgot I had dinner
plans with my boyfriend.
231
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:33,095
I didn't know you were seeing anyone.
232
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:37,099
Oh, I'm not seeing "anyone."
I'm seeing someone.
233
00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,851
Do you know Tad Frye?
234
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,144
Do I?
235
00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:42,605
I just drafted him in my
fantasy contractor league!
236
00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:45,858
I feel so bad for canceling.
237
00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:49,070
Why don't you and Blandrew...
oh, sorry... Andrew join us?
238
00:08:49,153 --> 00:08:50,154
Wow, we'd love to.
239
00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:51,822
But we can't stay out too late.
240
00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:53,783
Andrew has to get up early
'cause of the Asian markets.
241
00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:56,994
Mm. I prefer to go to the
Asian markets at night.
242
00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,996
That's when they throw
out the old crabs.
243
00:09:00,122 --> 00:09:02,583
I'll text you the deets.
244
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:08,673
245
00:09:08,756 --> 00:09:10,049
Ha, yeah.
246
00:09:10,132 --> 00:09:12,260
- Unbelie...
- [CELL PHONE BUZZING]
247
00:09:12,343 --> 00:09:14,053
"Unknown"?
248
00:09:16,305 --> 00:09:19,058
Who is this? If you're a
cop, you have to tell me.
249
00:09:19,141 --> 00:09:21,519
I'm with the Diplo County
Sheriff's Office in Nevada.
250
00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:23,688
Lillian. Don't hang up. I got arrested.
251
00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:24,790
[LILLIAN] Sheba!
252
00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:27,900
For the love of Pete, what are
you even doing in Nevada?
253
00:09:27,980 --> 00:09:30,139
I used my allowance to
go to Burning They,
254
00:09:30,140 --> 00:09:31,486
the gender-neutral Burning Man.
255
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:32,738
Well, wait, you used it...
256
00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:34,059
I'm mayor of my village.
257
00:09:34,060 --> 00:09:37,050
I was in charge of the
orange slices and lube.
258
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:39,287
But then I got arrested
for grabbing a cop's gun.
259
00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:41,414
But it wasn't my fault!
260
00:09:41,497 --> 00:09:44,292
I was hallucinating, and I
thought it was a wizard's gun.
261
00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:45,390
[SIGHS]
262
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,628
Yeah, nothing's ever your fault, is it?
263
00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:49,338
[TEARFULLY] Look, I'm sorry.
264
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:52,425
Just get me out of here, okay?
265
00:09:52,508 --> 00:09:55,094
They're having pizza for dinner.
266
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,555
Nevada pizza.
267
00:09:57,638 --> 00:10:01,475
Oh, no. That ain't right.
268
00:10:01,550 --> 00:10:04,850
All right, I guess I'll have
to find a bail bondsman
269
00:10:04,860 --> 00:10:06,950
in Diplo, Nevada.
270
00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:09,150
- [EXHALES]
- [LILLIAN] Hang tight.
271
00:10:09,233 --> 00:10:13,988
Ooh, and if you have to join
a gang, I recommend Latin.
272
00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:15,573
They're just more fun.
273
00:10:16,324 --> 00:10:18,200
[INFLECTING BRIGHTLY] We're
here having a gay dinner.
274
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:20,870
We've got a basket full of bread, water,
275
00:10:20,953 --> 00:10:23,956
and now all we need is
some great conversation.
276
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,792
[LAUGHS] Wow! You sound
just like you do on TV.
277
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:29,670
Oh, it's so nice to be out. [CHUCKLES]
278
00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:33,257
A normal dinner date for us is Tad
cooking scrod in his underwear
279
00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:35,551
while I paint him from memory.
280
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,803
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
281
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:39,263
So how long have you two been together?
282
00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:40,640
Only a month.
283
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:43,225
In this lifetime. [LAUGHS]
284
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:45,311
But there's such a connection.
285
00:10:45,394 --> 00:10:47,897
We must have known each
other in a past life.
286
00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:51,942
Perhaps I was a dinosaur and he was
a sexually adventurous caveman.
287
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,194
That's intense.
288
00:10:53,277 --> 00:10:55,946
Our relationship is intense.
289
00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:59,909
Tad is building us a bed made from woods
290
00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:04,914
such as... shedloe and balsett.
291
00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:07,583
And I write us love songs like...
292
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:10,795
You
293
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:14,632
Are in a restaurant
294
00:11:14,715 --> 00:11:16,342
With me
295
00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:18,052
Tonight
296
00:11:18,135 --> 00:11:20,012
And the tables and chairs
297
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:22,139
And pants and the hairs
298
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:23,766
Are all theres
299
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:26,143
Because of love
300
00:11:27,311 --> 00:11:29,939
[BOTH MOANING SOFTLY]
301
00:11:30,020 --> 00:11:31,080
[BOTH SMOOCH]
302
00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:32,149
[TAD] Wow.
303
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:34,110
[INFLECTING BRIGHTLY]
That was a gay kiss.
304
00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:36,987
305
00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:38,114
[ALL LAUGHING]
306
00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:41,992
... so Tad came over and
replaced the whole panel.
307
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:45,287
Wow. Tad's doing electrical
work for you. That's neat!
308
00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:47,665
Tad and I are like Iago and Jafar,
309
00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:49,959
the original gay Disney duo.
310
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:52,586
[LAUGHTER]
311
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:55,881
Laughter: a sure sign of a good time.
312
00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:58,134
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
313
00:11:58,217 --> 00:11:59,844
Oh, I'm sorry. I have to take this.
314
00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:03,889
And now that Andrew has
stepped away from the table,
315
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:05,850
it's time to talk about him.
316
00:12:05,933 --> 00:12:06,950
Yes.
317
00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:09,353
How long have you two
been together, Mikey?
318
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:10,771
Um, a year?
319
00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:13,983
Yeah, I guess so, 'cause
when me and him met,
320
00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:15,860
Vin Diesel and the Rock
were still friends.
321
00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:18,863
- Oh.
- That's a long time to be dating.
322
00:12:18,946 --> 00:12:20,156
That's too long.
323
00:12:24,740 --> 00:12:26,519
And now I'm gonna fill this silence
324
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:29,560
with the words I'm saying right now.
325
00:12:29,748 --> 00:12:32,001
[DEVIOUS MUSIC]
326
00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:33,627
- [SIGHS]
- [DOOR CLICKS OPEN]
327
00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:37,506
Hey, have you seen seven
cats come through here?
328
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,341
Lillian, can people change?
329
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,469
Are you talking menopause or werewolves?
330
00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:44,513
'Cause one of them is a legend
made up to scare children,
331
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,891
and the other one is werewolves.
332
00:12:46,974 --> 00:12:50,603
No, I mean can a bad person all
of a sudden become a good person?
333
00:12:50,686 --> 00:12:52,521
Like Slimer from Ghostbusters.
334
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,315
In the movies, he's a bad guy,
335
00:12:54,398 --> 00:12:57,151
but in the cartoons, he's
just part of the team.
336
00:12:57,234 --> 00:12:58,527
What changed?
337
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,738
Oh, honey, this is the real world.
338
00:13:00,821 --> 00:13:03,073
People don't change. Not like that.
339
00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:04,899
But what if the person I'm talking about
340
00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:07,600
was inspired by a very special book?
341
00:13:07,661 --> 00:13:10,289
If this is about Jesus, pass!
342
00:13:10,372 --> 00:13:12,082
- [DOOR BANGS SHUT]
- [LILLIAN] Hey.
343
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:13,918
- Jealous?
- [KIMMY AND LILLIAN GASP]
344
00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:16,587
I can't believe I know
someone in the paper!
345
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,049
I'm roommates with "Tall Cee Lo."
346
00:13:21,091 --> 00:13:22,384
Give me that.
347
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:26,055
[GASPS] You skinny blonde bitch!
348
00:13:26,138 --> 00:13:27,765
- Thank you.
- You want proof
349
00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:29,892
that people are who they are?
350
00:13:29,975 --> 00:13:31,769
Is that Sheba Goodman?
351
00:13:31,852 --> 00:13:34,897
Yeah, and she's not in jail or Nevada!
352
00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:38,150
That little dirtbag scammed me.
353
00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:40,611
And to think I actually
felt sorry for her,
354
00:13:40,694 --> 00:13:42,780
thinking she was eating Nevada pizza.
355
00:13:42,863 --> 00:13:44,615
- What? No!
- What would that even be?
356
00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:46,492
What about the money?
357
00:13:46,575 --> 00:13:50,663
I sent ten grand to a bail bondsman.
358
00:13:50,746 --> 00:13:51,830
Ten grand.
359
00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:56,043
She used it for her stupid
year-round Halloween store.
360
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:57,711
Year-round? Interesting.
361
00:13:57,795 --> 00:14:01,882
So one could celebrate
the Fourth of Boo -ly
362
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:04,426
and Martin Boo -ther King Day
363
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:05,550
and...
364
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:08,680
[EERILY] Chri-i-istmas.
365
00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:10,724
I'm gonna find that place,
366
00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:12,768
and I'm gonna teach her a lesson,
367
00:14:12,851 --> 00:14:16,272
starting with shutting
the whole thing down!
368
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:18,065
Not if I find it first. How
scary is it? Be honest!
369
00:14:18,148 --> 00:14:19,942
[SIGHS HAPPILY]
370
00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:21,610
There he is.
371
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:22,695
Did you forget my name again?
372
00:14:22,778 --> 00:14:24,780
- Oh, you.
- You still haven't said it.
373
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,490
You're blowing up,
374
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:29,118
and this time, it's not
from eating old crab.
375
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:30,703
Crushing it
376
00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:32,037
Mikey's this close
377
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:33,455
to dumping Andrew and running to me
378
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:35,583
like those losers in the Olympics.
379
00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:38,210
"Hey, let's go to Brazil
and run in a circle."
380
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:40,880
So can you have lunch with Tad today?
381
00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:45,175
Because Show Breed Dog Food
wants you to be photographed
382
00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:47,094
holding a bag of their
healthy coat formula
383
00:14:47,177 --> 00:14:48,554
on your next gay date.
384
00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:50,514
It's a product I use anyway.
385
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:51,807
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
386
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,517
Crushing it!
387
00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:54,935
- [DOOR CLICKS OPEN]
- [WOLF HOWLS]
388
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:57,855
Welcome to Halloween 360. Can I h...
389
00:14:57,938 --> 00:14:59,773
Oh, crap.
390
00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:00,858
Yes.
391
00:15:00,941 --> 00:15:02,902
You are done here.
392
00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:06,447
You stole from your dead
father to open a dumb store
393
00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:08,824
with a name that doesn't
even make sense.
394
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,243
It is called Halloween 360
395
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:13,370
because it's open all year.
396
00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:15,164
That's not a year. It's a circle...
397
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:16,860
The Earth is round, Lillian.
398
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,279
I don't even know how you did it.
399
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:21,190
I-I sent that money to a bail bondsman.
400
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:22,379
Did you?
401
00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:25,174
First of all, there's no Diplo County.
402
00:15:25,257 --> 00:15:29,303
Diplo is only the name of the greatest
musician since the Vengaboys.
403
00:15:29,386 --> 00:15:31,500
I made that bail bondsman website
404
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,740
on Squarespace, and then
I connected the pay portal
405
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,101
to my Venmo account, and blazmo.
406
00:15:36,180 --> 00:15:37,819
That's how millennials say "cha-ching,"
407
00:15:37,820 --> 00:15:39,820
because "cha-ching" might be offensive.
408
00:15:39,855 --> 00:15:41,649
We don't know, and we're afraid to ask.
409
00:15:41,732 --> 00:15:43,567
But the phone call with the cop...
410
00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,319
Yeah, that was my friend Dennis.
411
00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:47,696
I called from the strip
club that he works at.
412
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,365
That's why he was dressed like a cop.
413
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:50,658
[DANCE MUSIC PULSING]
414
00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,993
Whoo! Yas!
415
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:54,411
I couldn't see that.
416
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:56,038
- Well, it helped my performance.
- [DOOR CLICKS OPEN, WOLF HOWLS]
417
00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:57,748
Thank gosh it's still here!
418
00:15:57,831 --> 00:15:59,458
I brought this cart from home.
419
00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:00,834
Tell me when I run out of money.
420
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:03,629
Spiders? Yes and yes.
421
00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:04,880
Ghosts?
422
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:07,257
Don't mind if I boo. [LAUGHS]
423
00:16:08,175 --> 00:16:09,218
Skeleton.
424
00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:12,346
I have one, but she could
use a dance partner.
425
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:14,014
[EERIE MUSIC]
426
00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:16,141
These toilet pumpkins!
427
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:19,061
[LAUGHS] I mean toilet pumpkins.
428
00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:20,354
[TENSE MUSIC]
429
00:16:20,437 --> 00:16:22,815
[AS THE REVEREND] You don't
deserve a real toilet.
430
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:24,358
Go in the pumpkin!
431
00:16:24,441 --> 00:16:25,734
[GASPS]
432
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,987
Oh, no. It's happening.
433
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:31,323
434
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:33,450
What the hell is she doing?
435
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:36,161
Don't look at me. Nobody look at me!
436
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,707
Lillian. You're right.
437
00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:41,583
People don't change that fast.
438
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,919
This is me after two years of therapy.
439
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,504
Lillian, you know this freaky bitch?
440
00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:48,674
There's no way Fran Dodd is
just good all of a sudden.
441
00:16:48,757 --> 00:16:50,300
What do you think you're doing?
442
00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:52,761
This is stolen merchandise.
443
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,596
I'm making a citizen's arrest!
444
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,432
Nice try! I know you're not a citizen.
445
00:16:57,516 --> 00:16:59,560
[GRUNTS]
446
00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:00,936
You stupid brat
447
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,896
- with your baby store!
- Ah! Ow!
448
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:04,189
- What do you think?
- Ow!
449
00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:06,191
You're nothing compared to me!
450
00:17:06,270 --> 00:17:07,920
I'm done. Can someone throw me a mummy?
451
00:17:07,940 --> 00:17:09,319
- [LILLIAN] ... throw a leg at me!
- I'm gonna call the cops!
452
00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:13,073
- Ah, call the cops! I don't care!
- [BOTH SHOUT]
453
00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:14,783
Sober up, you psychos.
454
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,744
- Not likely, pal!
- You better hope not!
455
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:18,912
I'm on prescription heroin!
456
00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:21,707
[SIGHS] God!
457
00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:24,543
Artie is rolling over in his grave.
458
00:17:24,626 --> 00:17:26,712
Oh, yeah, the great Artie Goodman.
459
00:17:26,795 --> 00:17:29,298
The philanthropist, the
businessman with a conscience,
460
00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:32,634
one of two men in Hustler 's
first interracial pictorial.
461
00:17:32,710 --> 00:17:34,979
You ever consider that
maybe I am this way
462
00:17:34,980 --> 00:17:36,763
because I'm Artie Goodman's daughter?
463
00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:40,184
I forgot. It's always
someone else's fault.
464
00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:42,061
It is his fault!
465
00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:46,774
No matter what I do, I'll always
look like a failure compared to him.
466
00:17:47,649 --> 00:17:49,902
You think your father never screwed up?
467
00:17:49,985 --> 00:17:51,904
- [SCOFFS]
- Well, let me tell you a story.
468
00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:54,907
May 1948. The Israeli Knesset...
469
00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:56,950
- Fast-forward.
- Fine.
470
00:17:57,034 --> 00:17:59,411
When your father started his company,
471
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:02,915
no one would buy organic eggs
because they were brown.
472
00:18:02,998 --> 00:18:05,667
You have to remember, this
was pre-Obama America,
473
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:08,003
back when there was still racism.
474
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,589
So Artie painted his eggs white.
475
00:18:10,672 --> 00:18:14,635
Well, nobody knew at the
time that lead-based paint
476
00:18:14,718 --> 00:18:18,430
caused dumbness and rapid
back-of-head hair growth,
477
00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:21,683
so in '76, people
started having mullets.
478
00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:25,646
Oh, that was the same year that
Rod Stewart released "Hot Legs."
479
00:18:25,729 --> 00:18:27,940
Which was both dumb and mullet.
480
00:18:28,023 --> 00:18:32,027
When Artie noticed the mullet
clusters around his stores,
481
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,278
he spoke up!
482
00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:37,116
He didn't have to take
the blame for mullets,
483
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:38,742
but he did!
484
00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:43,122
He paid millions in fines
and class-action haircuts.
485
00:18:43,205 --> 00:18:46,166
He wrote and produced
"Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?"
486
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:50,045
to get Rod Stewart's
career back on track!
487
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:52,159
The difference between
you and your father
488
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:55,040
isn't that he was
perfect and you're not.
489
00:18:55,884 --> 00:18:59,471
[SIGHS] It's that he took
responsibility when he screwed up.
490
00:19:01,014 --> 00:19:04,101
At least now you're finally
facing some consequences.
491
00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:10,816
492
00:19:10,899 --> 00:19:12,651
[SIGHS]
493
00:19:12,734 --> 00:19:15,112
[PROTESTORS CHANTING] MRA! MRA!
494
00:19:15,195 --> 00:19:17,990
- Take it down!
- Lock her up!
495
00:19:18,073 --> 00:19:20,784
- Take it down!
- Lock her up!
496
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:22,911
- Take it down!
- Lock her up!
497
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:26,081
- Take it down!
- Eleanor Roosevelt
498
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:29,126
gave us unrealistic
expectations of cousins!
499
00:19:29,209 --> 00:19:30,627
- Aha!
- [SHOUTS] Don't hit me!
500
00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:32,713
You do still come to these rallies.
501
00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:34,840
You lied to me. And
you're lying to Monica!
502
00:19:34,923 --> 00:19:36,425
Okay, okay, look, listen, listen.
503
00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:38,927
This is the only way I get
to see my old friends.
504
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,513
For some reason, Monica
doesn't like these guys.
505
00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:44,558
- She should've been in the wheelchair!
- [CROWD CHEERS]
506
00:19:44,641 --> 00:19:47,352
That was not a nice thing
to say. I get that now.
507
00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:50,063
But this was my chosen
family for a long time.
508
00:19:50,140 --> 00:19:51,619
Nelson picked me up
at the police station
509
00:19:51,620 --> 00:19:53,482
when I got that DUI on my dirt bike.
510
00:19:53,483 --> 00:19:54,519
When Terry got divorced,
511
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:56,485
I'm the one that took him
to the tattoo parlor
512
00:19:56,486 --> 00:19:58,947
to get "Jessica" changed
into "Jessicar."
513
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:02,409
[CHUCKLES] Take that, Jessicar.
514
00:20:02,490 --> 00:20:03,779
I mean, what kind of friend would I be
515
00:20:03,780 --> 00:20:05,578
if I just ditched them for Monica?
516
00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:09,041
What, just 'cause she's
nice and smart and...
517
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,200
this is gonna sound like a lie,
518
00:20:10,220 --> 00:20:11,750
but when she touches my pee-pee,
519
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:13,212
I swear it gets bigger.
520
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:16,340
Lookit, Fran, I believe
you're trying to change.
521
00:20:16,423 --> 00:20:17,424
And I know it's hard.
522
00:20:17,507 --> 00:20:20,469
I mean, I go to the bathroom every
time I see a plastic pumpkin.
523
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:22,179
Whenever I see a dog pooping outside,
524
00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:24,348
my body is like, "What, you
think he's better than you?"
525
00:20:24,431 --> 00:20:27,100
But you can't be a good person
just when Monica's watching.
526
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:29,199
You have to work on
it even if it's scary
527
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,103
and it's easier to just do nothing.
528
00:20:31,104 --> 00:20:34,775
You have to choose between
Monica and these sexist dudes.
529
00:20:34,858 --> 00:20:36,985
What? We're lesbians.
530
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:40,239
We want this statue to come down
because Eleanor never came out.
531
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:43,158
- [CHANTING] Come out, Eleanor!
- [ALL] Come out, Eleanor!
532
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:44,534
[MALE PROTESTORS] Lock her up!
533
00:20:44,610 --> 00:20:46,059
[FEMALE PROTESTORS] Come out, Eleanor!
534
00:20:46,060 --> 00:20:47,245
[MALE PROTESTORS] Lock her up!
535
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,289
Two thousand nineteen is a mess.
536
00:20:49,373 --> 00:20:51,291
I choose Monica, okay?
537
00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:53,961
Great. But words aren't enough anymore.
538
00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:56,672
You've already lied once.
I want you to show me.
539
00:20:56,755 --> 00:20:58,423
- [MALE PROTESTORS] Lock her up!
- [FEMALE PROTESTORS] Come out, Eleanor!
540
00:20:58,507 --> 00:21:00,676
- [MALE PROTESTORS] Lock her up!
- [FEMALE PROTESTORS] Come out, Eleanor!
541
00:21:00,759 --> 00:21:02,469
[INSPIRING ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
542
00:21:02,552 --> 00:21:05,889
[MAN]
Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
543
00:21:05,973 --> 00:21:08,809
Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
544
00:21:08,892 --> 00:21:10,435
[MAN] What the hell are you doing, Fran?
545
00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:13,272
[MAN]
Oh-oh-oh-oh
546
00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:15,357
The future is female!
547
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:16,650
[MAN]
Oh-oh
548
00:21:16,733 --> 00:21:17,943
Beyonc? is queen!
549
00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:19,278
[MAN]
Oh-oh-oh-oh
550
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:21,363
I have two mommies!
551
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:23,740
And I don't care what you think.
552
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,920
It... gets...
553
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:27,577
bigger!
554
00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:29,997
- [LAUGHING]
- [MAN] Judas!
555
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:32,291
[MALE PROTESTORS]
Fran is a girl's name
556
00:21:32,374 --> 00:21:34,626
Fran is a girl's name
557
00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:35,919
[FEMALE PROTESTORS CHANTING]
Fran is a girl's name!
558
00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:37,879
[ALL] Fran is a girl's name!
559
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:39,798
Fran is a girl's name!
560
00:21:39,881 --> 00:21:41,925
Fran is a girl's name!
561
00:21:42,009 --> 00:21:43,844
Ms. Sheba Goodman, how do you plead?
562
00:21:43,927 --> 00:21:45,929
Not guilty, Your Honor.
563
00:21:46,013 --> 00:21:47,180
And may I say,
564
00:21:47,264 --> 00:21:50,976
congratulations on whatever
you're graduating from.
565
00:21:51,727 --> 00:21:53,979
Ms. Goodman, I'm sure this has
been quite an ordeal for you,
566
00:21:54,062 --> 00:21:56,315
and I have no desire to prolong it.
567
00:21:56,398 --> 00:21:59,276
Your family is a pillar
of this community.
568
00:21:59,359 --> 00:22:02,446
Meanwhile, your assailant,
Ms. Kaushtupper,
569
00:22:02,529 --> 00:22:04,364
invented the knockout game,
570
00:22:04,448 --> 00:22:06,283
released bees at the Met Ball,
571
00:22:06,366 --> 00:22:09,369
tried to sell drugs to a
uniformed police officer,
572
00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:10,579
and, from what I can tell,
573
00:22:10,662 --> 00:22:14,624
was the only person looting
during the 2003 blackout.
574
00:22:14,708 --> 00:22:17,544
Oh, yeah, I got my steps in that night!
575
00:22:17,627 --> 00:22:20,922
And yesterday, she assaulted
and attempted to rob you.
576
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,839
This court doesn't see
577
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,700
how you bear any
responsibility in this matter.
578
00:22:26,845 --> 00:22:29,139
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
579
00:22:29,222 --> 00:22:30,474
You're right, honey.
580
00:22:30,557 --> 00:22:33,894
Everything is everybody's
fault but yours.
581
00:22:33,977 --> 00:22:37,564
582
00:22:38,482 --> 00:22:40,025
No, it's my fault.
583
00:22:40,108 --> 00:22:42,319
[CROWD GASPS]
584
00:22:42,402 --> 00:22:44,863
I lied to her, I stole
money from my trust fund,
585
00:22:44,940 --> 00:22:47,319
and I threw the first punch... well,
586
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,360
reasonably priced novelty tombstone.
587
00:22:49,580 --> 00:22:51,410
I don't wanna go back to prison.
588
00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:54,456
The lighting is so bad there.
589
00:22:54,539 --> 00:22:58,043
But if anyone deserves it...
590
00:22:58,126 --> 00:23:00,087
it's me. [SNIFFLES]
591
00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:01,671
Mm.
592
00:23:01,755 --> 00:23:03,632
All right, everybody!
593
00:23:03,715 --> 00:23:04,800
That's a wrap!
594
00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:07,010
Oh, see Jerry for your
checks on the way out.
595
00:23:07,094 --> 00:23:08,845
[JUDGE] Thanks, Lillian. This was fun.
596
00:23:08,929 --> 00:23:10,847
[LILLIAN] Marty. [LAUGHS]
597
00:23:10,931 --> 00:23:12,349
- You were great!
- [MARTY LAUGHS]
598
00:23:12,432 --> 00:23:14,601
- Anytime, Lillian.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
599
00:23:14,684 --> 00:23:17,729
Oh, you're not the only one
with stripper friends.
600
00:23:17,813 --> 00:23:19,147
What the hell is this?
601
00:23:19,231 --> 00:23:23,527
This is how you do a real grift, baby!
602
00:23:23,610 --> 00:23:24,736
Old school!
603
00:23:24,820 --> 00:23:26,029
You hire some friends.
604
00:23:26,113 --> 00:23:28,573
You send Dick Wolf a coupon to Six Flags
605
00:23:28,657 --> 00:23:31,451
so he shuts down production
and leaves town.
606
00:23:32,619 --> 00:23:34,287
How did you pay for all this?
607
00:23:34,371 --> 00:23:36,498
Well, part of your trust fund
608
00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:39,167
is earmarked for education.
609
00:23:39,251 --> 00:23:42,379
And you just got schooled.
610
00:23:43,004 --> 00:23:44,047
[HUFFS]
611
00:23:45,173 --> 00:23:47,050
Hey, kiddo.
612
00:23:47,134 --> 00:23:49,386
Not all of this was fake.
613
00:23:50,595 --> 00:23:52,472
When you stepped up
614
00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:55,183
and you took responsibility,
615
00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:56,726
that was real.
616
00:23:58,061 --> 00:24:02,315
Hey. You're more like your father
than you give yourself credit for.
617
00:24:04,401 --> 00:24:05,861
Yeah.
618
00:24:05,944 --> 00:24:07,863
That was a legit good thing I did.
619
00:24:09,072 --> 00:24:10,365
I'm a hero.
620
00:24:10,448 --> 00:24:11,992
Sure.
621
00:24:12,075 --> 00:24:13,869
Now just maybe try and keep it up.
622
00:24:13,952 --> 00:24:15,245
I will.
623
00:24:15,328 --> 00:24:17,164
Because I'm Sheba Goodman,
624
00:24:17,247 --> 00:24:19,791
and I'm gonna make the
world a better place.
625
00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:23,295
I'm gonna teach yoga to ISIS. [GASPS]
626
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:26,715
Or maybe start small. Uh...
627
00:24:27,507 --> 00:24:28,800
Oh, my dad's Farties.
628
00:24:28,884 --> 00:24:29,885
Come on.
629
00:24:29,968 --> 00:24:33,305
630
00:24:33,388 --> 00:24:36,683
'Cause the menu and the chairs
631
00:24:36,766 --> 00:24:38,226
And the doors
632
00:24:38,310 --> 00:24:40,604
Are also in love
633
00:24:41,980 --> 00:24:43,000
[MIKEY] I'm sorry.
634
00:24:43,020 --> 00:24:45,918
I-I can't just sit here and watch
you two being all lovey-dovey.
635
00:24:46,318 --> 00:24:49,654
Wow, it looks like Mikey's
got something to say.
636
00:24:49,738 --> 00:24:52,640
So let's kick it back over to Mikey
for the end of that thought.
637
00:24:52,660 --> 00:24:54,283
- Mikey?
- Thanks, Tad!
638
00:24:55,327 --> 00:24:57,871
Look, I did... I didn't wanna
make this about me, about us.
639
00:24:58,622 --> 00:25:00,916
God, I wasn't planning on
doing this now, but...
640
00:25:00,999 --> 00:25:04,502
last night, I realized we've
been dating too long.
641
00:25:06,379 --> 00:25:07,379
Mikey, what's going on?
642
00:25:08,381 --> 00:25:09,466
Andrew...
643
00:25:09,549 --> 00:25:11,426
I'm sorry to do it like this, but...
644
00:25:11,509 --> 00:25:12,844
Ha-ha! Ya basic.
645
00:25:12,928 --> 00:25:13,970
... will you marry me?
646
00:25:17,224 --> 00:25:18,864
I know I said I didn't
wanna get married.
647
00:25:19,643 --> 00:25:21,686
But I think part of me was holding back
648
00:25:21,770 --> 00:25:22,854
because of Titus.
649
00:25:22,938 --> 00:25:25,040
Oh, this is Titus from the boat.
You remember the boat?
650
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,150
Yes, Michael, I remember the boat.
651
00:25:27,234 --> 00:25:30,195
But seeing them doing so
good and so in love...
652
00:25:31,238 --> 00:25:33,448
- It's like, what am I waiting for?
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
653
00:25:33,531 --> 00:25:34,741
So what do you say?
654
00:25:34,824 --> 00:25:38,411
- [LAUGHS] Yes.
- [APPLAUSE]
655
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:39,500
[CRIES SOFTLY]
656
00:25:39,537 --> 00:25:40,956
Look at that ring!
657
00:25:41,039 --> 00:25:42,290
[CRYING]
658
00:25:42,374 --> 00:25:46,628
[CHUCKLING]
659
00:25:46,711 --> 00:25:49,589
Now you've inspired me!
660
00:25:49,673 --> 00:25:51,341
Uh, Tad.
661
00:25:51,424 --> 00:25:53,218
Will you marry me?
662
00:25:54,844 --> 00:25:57,555
You know what I can't do? This.
663
00:25:57,639 --> 00:26:00,100
Sorry, dude. I don't even know you.
664
00:26:00,183 --> 00:26:02,936
And also, I'm in love with my wife.
665
00:26:03,019 --> 00:26:05,063
I don't care if it ends my career.
666
00:26:05,146 --> 00:26:08,066
I can't live this lie anymore.
667
00:26:08,149 --> 00:26:12,279
So let's see what's
going on anywhere else.
668
00:26:12,362 --> 00:26:16,992
669
00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:18,201
You're so handsome.
670
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,060
671
00:26:20,100 --> 00:26:21,140
[THUDS]
672
00:26:21,162 --> 00:26:22,580
- [GRUNTS UNCOMFORTABLY]
- [CHILDREN WHINE]
673
00:26:22,664 --> 00:26:23,832
This is a game?
674
00:26:23,915 --> 00:26:25,500
[GIRL] I want the ball!
675
00:26:25,583 --> 00:26:28,003
Maybe people can change.
676
00:26:28,086 --> 00:26:30,005
Everyone's turning over new leafs.
677
00:26:30,088 --> 00:26:33,842
Sheba and Fran fudging Dodd are
trying to be better people.
678
00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:36,011
Jacqueline's businessladying.
679
00:26:36,094 --> 00:26:39,222
Titus faces new and scary stuff
literally every second of the day.
680
00:26:39,306 --> 00:26:43,601
I once saw him give his
wallet to his own shadow!
681
00:26:43,685 --> 00:26:46,396
When was the last time I
did something like that?
682
00:26:47,689 --> 00:26:51,568
I never thought this would be a bad
thing, but my life has gotten...
683
00:26:51,651 --> 00:26:53,862
safe.
684
00:26:53,945 --> 00:26:56,031
Hey, if you're thinking of
taking up Russian roulette,
685
00:26:56,114 --> 00:26:58,950
I know people who will pay to watch.
686
00:26:59,034 --> 00:27:01,953
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
687
00:27:02,037 --> 00:27:09,044
688
00:27:10,250 --> 00:27:11,296
[SIGHS]
689
00:27:11,379 --> 00:27:16,301
690
00:27:16,384 --> 00:27:18,887
[INTRIGUED MUSIC]
691
00:27:18,970 --> 00:27:20,347
692
00:27:20,430 --> 00:27:23,350
[STIRRING MUSIC]
693
00:27:23,433 --> 00:27:27,729
694
00:27:27,812 --> 00:27:29,773
[DETERMINED MUSIC]
695
00:27:29,856 --> 00:27:32,150
Zach, it's time for me to see the world.
696
00:27:32,233 --> 00:27:33,651
So I quit.
697
00:27:33,735 --> 00:27:39,866
698
00:27:39,949 --> 00:27:41,743
[TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTS]
699
00:27:41,826 --> 00:27:44,996
Kimmy, I'm going to suggest you
don't quit until next week.
700
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,123
701
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,167
[WHISPERING] We're
gonna be millionaires.
702
00:27:49,250 --> 00:27:51,169
[WHISPERING] Did you say gamillionaires?
703
00:27:51,252 --> 00:27:54,214
[WHISPERING] No. Why would I
say that? I said millionaires.
704
00:27:54,297 --> 00:27:56,508
[WHISPERING] Oh. That's good too.
705
00:27:56,591 --> 00:27:59,290
[CHEERY STRING MUSIC]
706
00:27:59,310 --> 00:28:03,680
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
707
00:29:25,221 --> 00:29:27,140
- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!
708
00:29:27,190 --> 00:29:31,740
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