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1
00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:07,590
[KIMMY LAUGHS]
2
00:00:07,674 --> 00:00:09,968
- Howdy, Meth-Head Charlie!
- She's mine!
3
00:00:10,051 --> 00:00:11,302
[KIMMY LAUGHS]
4
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:14,264
What a fun New York day being
a foodie with my roomie.
5
00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:16,141
We had pizza, a Cronut...
6
00:00:16,224 --> 00:00:18,059
A doughnut that I stole
from a crow, yes.
7
00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:20,895
... and then you did the Meg
Ryan scene at Katz's Deli!
8
00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:23,022
Girl, that's just how I
react to sandwiches.
9
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,315
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]
10
00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:25,900
[CHILLING MUSIC]
11
00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,485
Stranger danger!
12
00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:28,820
[TITUS] Kim, Kim,
13
00:00:28,903 --> 00:00:31,080
- it's the cable guy.
- Uh, evenin', folks.
14
00:00:31,100 --> 00:00:33,360
I just need to get inside
so I can update the router.
15
00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:36,494
This whole block is getting a
bunch of new channels for free.
16
00:00:36,578 --> 00:00:37,704
[TITUS] Ah!
17
00:00:37,787 --> 00:00:38,787
[CHUCKLING] Yeah.
18
00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,708
Wait. Free?
19
00:00:41,791 --> 00:00:43,752
Why would anyone give
us anything for free?
20
00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:45,837
- [CHUCKLES]
- If you're from the cable company,
21
00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:47,172
why is there no logo on your shirt?
22
00:00:47,255 --> 00:00:49,674
- Oh...
- And why does that bag look empty?
23
00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:52,844
Also, how come your van
has Vermont plates?
24
00:00:52,927 --> 00:00:56,056
And if you're updating the
router, where's your Urk Pad?
25
00:00:56,139 --> 00:00:58,641
Oh, uh, my Urk Pad is
in my bag. [CHUCKLES]
26
00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:02,395
Liar! The Urk Pad is the machine
that sent Urkel to Paris.
27
00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:03,980
You're not the cable guy.
28
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,024
Get out of here, you creep!
29
00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:07,240
Fine!
30
00:01:07,260 --> 00:01:10,650
You know what? I was
gonna murder you guys!
31
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:13,990
Are you happy? Huh?
32
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:18,995
Yeah, I was gonna put you both
in my freezer in Vermont!
33
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:22,082
That is what the bag was for!
34
00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:23,958
God!
35
00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:26,836
[PLEASANT MUSIC]
36
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,004
[ENGINE ROARS]
37
00:01:28,087 --> 00:01:31,090
[TIRES SQUEALING]
38
00:01:32,133 --> 00:01:35,053
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
39
00:01:35,136 --> 00:01:40,130
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
40
00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:41,643
[BANKSTON]
Unbreakable
41
00:01:41,726 --> 00:01:43,102
They alive, damn it
42
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,729
It's a miracle
43
00:01:44,813 --> 00:01:45,814
Unbreakable
44
00:01:45,897 --> 00:01:47,315
They alive, damn it
45
00:01:47,398 --> 00:01:49,484
But females are strong as hell
46
00:01:49,567 --> 00:01:50,568
Unbreakable
47
00:01:50,652 --> 00:01:51,778
They alive, damn it
48
00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:53,404
It's a miracle
49
00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:54,697
Unbreakable
50
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:55,907
They alive, damn it
51
00:01:55,990 --> 00:01:57,200
That's gonna be, uh...
52
00:01:57,280 --> 00:02:00,120
you know, a fascinating transition.
53
00:02:00,130 --> 00:02:01,150
[SINGERS]
Damn it
54
00:02:01,162 --> 00:02:03,164
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
55
00:02:03,248 --> 00:02:04,666
- Wow.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
56
00:02:04,749 --> 00:02:06,543
A white guy just tried to kill us.
57
00:02:06,626 --> 00:02:08,211
This neighborhood is changing.
58
00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:10,046
Well, good thing I'm
around to spot creeps.
59
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,220
- Good thing you were in the bunk...
- [TITUS YELPS]
60
00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:13,424
Don't ever say that!
61
00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:15,718
You think it's a good thing
I'm so easily freaked out?
62
00:02:15,740 --> 00:02:16,761
[SHOUTS]
63
00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:18,429
Yah!
64
00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:20,807
- Get in the van, Kimmy.
- Never!
65
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:23,351
- Guess who!
- I don't like that!
66
00:02:23,434 --> 00:02:24,602
[DONG GRUNTS]
67
00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:26,938
... is Cate Blanchett good,
or is she just tall?
68
00:02:27,021 --> 00:02:29,357
- Ow!
- I'm gonna rip your beard off!
69
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:30,490
[BOTH GRUNT]
70
00:02:30,550 --> 00:02:31,570
[MAN GRUNTS]
71
00:02:31,580 --> 00:02:32,650
[MAN GROANS]
72
00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:36,156
[KIMMY PANTING]
73
00:02:36,239 --> 00:02:38,283
[EXHALES] Sorry.
74
00:02:38,908 --> 00:02:40,493
Sorry, everyone!
75
00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:43,037
Is your story over? Can we watch
TV now and you rub my feet?
76
00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:44,205
- [TV CHIMES]
- Ooh!
77
00:02:44,289 --> 00:02:45,790
HouseFlix just got Sliding Doors.
78
00:02:45,830 --> 00:02:47,080
Huh. It's funny.
79
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:48,399
I was supposed to see Sliding Doors
80
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:49,710
after school the day I was kidnapped.
81
00:02:49,711 --> 00:02:51,546
That is funny.
82
00:02:51,629 --> 00:02:53,006
Women are funny, Kimmy!
83
00:02:53,089 --> 00:02:54,382
[LAUGHS] You know, I never got
84
00:02:54,465 --> 00:02:56,467
to see Sliding Doors either,
and I really wanted to.
85
00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:58,136
I could've yelled stuff
at the screen like,
86
00:02:58,219 --> 00:03:01,222
"I know what door you're sliding
through, Gwyneth: nepotism."
87
00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:03,766
Ho-ho, watch out, Tinseltown.
88
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,351
No one's safe from Titus!
89
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:06,519
But when that movie came out,
90
00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:09,397
I was busy running away from
my wedding to go to New York.
91
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,900
My bus actually went through Indiana.
92
00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:14,444
Girl, in another life, we
could've run into each other.
93
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,195
'Cause I know we met in a past life.
94
00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:18,239
I was Genghis Khan, and
you were a horse I ate.
95
00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:19,949
In another life, a lot of
things could've been different.
96
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,659
Maybe you'd be Asian.
97
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:23,536
But it's not up to us.
98
00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,480
Life happens, and the only thing
99
00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:27,164
we can control is how we deal with it.
100
00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:29,876
But now you're free, and we're
finally watching Sliding Doors.
101
00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:31,461
I'm gonna put on my PJs.
102
00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:33,504
Don't start without me!
103
00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:35,882
[ECHOING PERCUSSION]
104
00:03:35,965 --> 00:03:37,217
[MOTOR HUMMING]
105
00:03:37,230 --> 00:03:38,259
[RICHARD] What's the holdup?
106
00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:40,678
Get that tan fan' in my van, ma'am.
107
00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:43,389
It's just... I'm supposed
to go to the movies
108
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:45,141
with my friends after school,
109
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,769
but if I'm late and get
detention, I won't be able to,
110
00:03:47,852 --> 00:03:50,480
so I can't show you where
the nursing college is.
111
00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:51,510
I'm sorry, sir.
112
00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:54,275
[RICHARD] Yeah, well, I lied
about you having a tan fan'.
113
00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:55,652
That's a pale tail!
114
00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:57,028
I'll find my own way to the nurses,
115
00:03:57,111 --> 00:03:58,363
'cause men are good at maps!
116
00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:00,406
[PERTURBED MUSIC]
117
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:03,826
[TIRES SQUEALING]
118
00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:07,789
119
00:04:07,872 --> 00:04:10,792
[PLEASANT MUSIC]
120
00:04:10,875 --> 00:04:12,961
121
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:14,587
Is this New York City?
122
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:15,964
Am I allowed to be gay now?
123
00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:18,716
No and no. We're in
Durnsville, Indiana, sir.
124
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:19,842
[RANDY] That's right.
125
00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:22,428
Home of both the "You Are
Now Entering Durnsville"
126
00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:24,555
and the "You Are Now
Leaving Durnsville" signs.
127
00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:26,891
Some nursing students
went missing earlier,
128
00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:27,990
and we gotta find 'em,
129
00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:30,019
'cause there's doctors out
there that need wives.
130
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,771
How long are we gonna be here?
131
00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:34,691
A couple hours, at least. We gotta
search every vehicle in town.
132
00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:37,151
But I have an audition for
The Lion King tomorrow.
133
00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:38,236
Oh, boy. [CHUCKLES]
134
00:04:38,310 --> 00:04:39,619
I hate to break it to you, buddy,
135
00:04:39,620 --> 00:04:41,360
but they've already made that picture.
136
00:04:41,380 --> 00:04:42,573
And it's cartoons.
137
00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:45,576
[DOWNTRODDEN MUSIC]
138
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,495
139
00:04:47,578 --> 00:04:48,746
[BUS DRIVER] Deviled eggs?
140
00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:52,083
Have you been eating
those since Mississippi?
141
00:04:55,169 --> 00:04:56,963
[TITUS] Hmm, Sliding Doors?
142
00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:00,049
I could kill time with a movie
143
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,260
if I can get a student or
senior citizen discount.
144
00:05:03,928 --> 00:05:05,096
Officer.
145
00:05:05,179 --> 00:05:07,557
How good are folks around here
at telling black people's ages?
146
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,476
Oh, the worst, old-timer or kiddo.
147
00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:15,982
- [WOMAN GROANS ON-SCREEN]
- [ANNOUNCER] Mind the gap.
148
00:05:16,065 --> 00:05:18,026
[GWYNETH PALTROW WITH ENGLISH
ACCENT] Hold that sliding door!
149
00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:21,612
Ugh, bloody wanker! The door slid.
150
00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:23,573
Nice accent, Goopy.
151
00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:26,200
What part of Canada are you
supposed to be from, exactly?
152
00:05:26,284 --> 00:05:27,368
Shh!
153
00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:34,375
154
00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:36,836
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
155
00:05:36,919 --> 00:05:39,047
[WARM MUSIC]
156
00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:41,466
"Simon Thompson, key hairstylist"?
157
00:05:41,549 --> 00:05:43,426
[CHUCKLES] Well, that explains it.
158
00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:45,344
He cut her hair with a key!
159
00:05:46,345 --> 00:05:47,472
[KIMMY SCOFFS LOUDLY]
160
00:05:47,555 --> 00:05:48,931
For reals?
161
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,559
How could you not laugh once?
That movie was "turrble."
162
00:05:51,642 --> 00:05:53,227
No, it wasn't!
163
00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:56,022
I mean, sure, I know that's
not how life really works.
164
00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:58,483
[SCOFFS] Like some random
occurrence changes everything.
165
00:05:58,566 --> 00:06:00,193
But the rest of it...
166
00:06:00,276 --> 00:06:01,652
London.
167
00:06:01,736 --> 00:06:03,071
The life that Helen had.
168
00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:04,906
Before she died twice? Yes.
169
00:06:04,989 --> 00:06:06,199
But now,
170
00:06:06,282 --> 00:06:09,702
after seeing that movie,
I'm gonna get out of here.
171
00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:11,746
I'm gonna live in London like Helen
172
00:06:11,829 --> 00:06:12,997
and work in PR!
173
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:14,582
Puerto Rico.
174
00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:16,209
Wait, how did she...
175
00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:19,504
You know, I'm also following a dream.
176
00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:20,755
I'm on my way to New York City
177
00:06:20,838 --> 00:06:23,633
because the Lion King musical is
having an open call tomorrow.
178
00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:24,717
So you're a singer?
179
00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:27,553
I started soloing in my
church when I was 12.
180
00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:29,764
-
The devil's face is white
- [TITUS SNAPPING FINGERS]
181
00:06:29,847 --> 00:06:31,808
The devil's face is white
182
00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:33,893
The pits of hell, they may be black
183
00:06:33,976 --> 00:06:37,146
But the devil's face is white
184
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,982
Not you, obviously.
I'm sure you're nice.
185
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:43,653
I did a bake sale for apartheid
after Lethal Weapon 2 came out.
186
00:06:44,278 --> 00:06:45,863
[KIMMY EXHALES HAPPILY]
187
00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:49,242
Well, safe travels, old-timer or kiddo.
188
00:06:49,325 --> 00:06:50,743
Maybe I'll see you again
189
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:53,246
if The Lion King ever comes to...
190
00:06:53,329 --> 00:06:55,331
[WITH ITALIAN ACCENT]
a-London! It's-a nice-a!
191
00:06:55,390 --> 00:06:56,399
Maybe.
192
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:57,830
193
00:06:57,917 --> 00:06:59,168
[EXHALES]
194
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,254
Thank goodness I saw Sliding Doors.
195
00:07:01,337 --> 00:07:08,094
196
00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:10,430
Mr. Man. Where's Mr. Bus?
197
00:07:10,513 --> 00:07:14,058
The same place my gun seems
to have got to: gone.
198
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:15,476
But all my stuff was on there.
199
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,687
I had a Backstage magazine
and a whole wedding cake.
200
00:07:18,396 --> 00:07:20,940
Well, there's another bus
coming through around midnight.
201
00:07:21,023 --> 00:07:22,525
202
00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:25,570
I have to be in New York by ten a.m.
203
00:07:25,653 --> 00:07:29,115
Why did I see Sliding Doors?
204
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:30,170
[SIGHS]
205
00:07:30,199 --> 00:07:32,660
- [HIP-HOP MUSIC]
- [SIRENS WAILING]
206
00:07:32,743 --> 00:07:34,412
[DIEGO] Hey, lady.
207
00:07:34,495 --> 00:07:37,039
Listen, my regular lookout's
at her quincea?era.
208
00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:38,791
You mind keeping an
eye out for the cops?
209
00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:40,793
Well, I'm already keeping an eye out
210
00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:43,921
for that pit bull who
ate the bag of heroin,
211
00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:45,173
but sure, okay.
212
00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:48,468
213
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:50,303
[MAN] Yo.
214
00:07:50,386 --> 00:07:51,471
215
00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,473
Pretty good, pretty good.
216
00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:56,559
217
00:07:56,642 --> 00:08:00,313
[HIP-HOP MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
218
00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:01,564
[SCREECHING] Caw!
219
00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:04,317
Caw-caw! Caw!
220
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,068
Caw! Caw!
221
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:10,698
222
00:08:10,781 --> 00:08:13,701
[EXCITING MUSIC]
223
00:08:13,784 --> 00:08:16,746
224
00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:17,829
[TITUS YELPS]
225
00:08:18,789 --> 00:08:20,541
Why do people want to live here?
226
00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:23,461
And that pigeon lady was not
like the one in Home Alone 2.
227
00:08:23,544 --> 00:08:26,005
- Bleh!
- Please stop doing that, ma'am!
228
00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:30,343
229
00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:32,637
[DOORS RATTLE]
230
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:34,013
No, no, no, no. [CHUCKLES]
231
00:08:34,030 --> 00:08:35,040
No.
232
00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:38,226
No! No, no, no, no, no, no!
233
00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:44,065
[SIGHS]
234
00:08:44,148 --> 00:08:46,192
[HUMDRUM MUSIC]
235
00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:48,319
You'll never betray me, food.
236
00:08:48,402 --> 00:08:52,448
237
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,450
[STOMACH GROWLS]
238
00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:59,872
Et tu? [HUFFS]
239
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:02,625
[GROANS] Oh, I wish I only "et" two.
240
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,586
[WHIMPERS] I "et" all of them!
241
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:06,754
- [TITUS] Oof!
- [JACQUELINE] Ugh!
242
00:09:06,830 --> 00:09:08,500
[IN LAKOTA] White idiot!
243
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:09,660
[IN ENGLISH] I mean...
244
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:11,008
[IN LAKOTA] black idiot!
245
00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:13,261
Ma'am, so sorry. I... [RETCHES]
246
00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:14,762
[JACQUELINE YELPS]
247
00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:19,100
I have a job interview in 15 minutes!
248
00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:20,768
[SIGHS SHARPLY]
249
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:25,356
Oh, God! Send me a sign!
250
00:09:25,430 --> 00:09:26,540
[GROANS]
251
00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:28,060
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
252
00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:30,190
- _
- [GASPS]
253
00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:32,363
That sign is a sign.
254
00:09:33,780 --> 00:09:35,160
_
255
00:09:35,180 --> 00:09:39,100
256
00:09:39,161 --> 00:09:42,081
[DRAMATIC PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
257
00:09:42,164 --> 00:09:46,836
- _
-
258
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,673
Hey, uh, Lillian, right?
259
00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:53,426
Thanks for your help earlier.
You make a mean drug lookout.
260
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:56,012
Oh, well... [CHUCKLES] I
got eyes and a mouth.
261
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:57,638
And a butt.
262
00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,682
We appreciate the help.
263
00:09:59,765 --> 00:10:01,684
How would you like to
join the Eff?-ten-cinco?
264
00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:05,313
Me in a gang? I don't know.
265
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:07,815
I-I'm not really a team player.
266
00:10:07,898 --> 00:10:09,609
Come on. What else you got going on?
267
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:12,403
Well, I was hoping to get some tenants.
268
00:10:12,486 --> 00:10:15,740
I could use the income,
and I love meddling,
269
00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:20,161
like, "Hey! It's ten p.m.! Quiet down!
270
00:10:20,244 --> 00:10:25,249
If you got a ferret in there, I'm
calling three-one-one!" [SNICKERS]
271
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,209
Well, the money's better with us.
272
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:29,837
Plus, Taco Tuesdays.
273
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:32,214
And most other days. We're a Latin gang.
274
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:33,841
Yeah?
275
00:10:33,924 --> 00:10:35,593
All right, well, count me in.
276
00:10:35,676 --> 00:10:38,179
- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLING] Ye... huh?
277
00:10:38,262 --> 00:10:39,622
Eh, you'll figure it out. [LAUGHS]
278
00:10:40,931 --> 00:10:43,893
- _
- [HOPEFUL MUSIC]
279
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:46,103
280
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:49,357
So, Kimberly, did I
like that movie, or...
281
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:50,483
No. [SCOFFS]
282
00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:53,986
I mean, what? A butterfly
flaps its wings in the Amazon
283
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:57,114
and Ashton Kutcher wakes
up in his bed with no arms
284
00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:59,492
instead of in my bed with no pants?
285
00:10:59,575 --> 00:11:01,118
- [ALL LAUGH]
- This is what
286
00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:04,080
I've been telling you bitches:
you are in control of your life,
287
00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:07,500
not butterflies or your dumb baby.
288
00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:09,794
But you said if I had a baby,
it'd be fun for the group.
289
00:11:09,877 --> 00:11:11,712
My life wasn't perfect.
290
00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:13,422
Do you know where my mom is right now?
291
00:11:14,298 --> 00:11:15,341
Me neither.
292
00:11:15,424 --> 00:11:18,135
I only ever hear from her when
she runs out of Camel Cash,
293
00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:23,140
but I never let Lori-Ann stand
in the way of my own fabulosity.
294
00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:25,267
Full scholarship to IU Durnsville.
295
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:26,370
Go, IUD!
296
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:27,728
Oink, oink, oink!
297
00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:28,813
Valedictorian,
298
00:11:28,896 --> 00:11:30,481
sorority president,
299
00:11:30,564 --> 00:11:33,484
and I was voted Monster Sow
at this year's senior game.
300
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:34,985
[SOFTLY] Shh.
301
00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:36,112
Guess who.
302
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:38,280
[GIGGLES] Stop!
303
00:11:39,323 --> 00:11:40,574
Oh, my God, Bryan.
304
00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:41,742
Come here, baby.
305
00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:43,577
- [SQUEALS]
- Mm.
306
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:47,081
[SMOOCHING LOUDLY]
307
00:11:47,164 --> 00:11:48,916
- Baby, I missed you, baby.
- I missed you, baby.
308
00:11:48,999 --> 00:11:50,626
- I missed you... you're my baby!
- No, I miss you. No, I miss you.
309
00:11:50,709 --> 00:11:52,253
You're my baby.
310
00:11:52,336 --> 00:11:53,879
- I was so worried about you.
- [LAUGHS]
311
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:56,507
I just heard another girl got kidnapped
over at the nursing college.
312
00:11:56,590 --> 00:11:59,427
You are so hot. How have
you not been kidnapped?
313
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:01,303
[CHUCKLES] 'Cause I'm smart.
314
00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:04,223
I mean, how are there 20 women
who'd let that happen to them?
315
00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:08,477
- [CRANK CREAKING]
- [STEAM HISSING]
316
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:13,149
Guys, um, does, like,
someone wanna be in charge?
317
00:12:13,170 --> 00:12:15,059
You know, I think if just,
like, one of us maybe, like,
318
00:12:15,060 --> 00:12:16,651
stood up to him a little bit,
319
00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:19,280
the Reverend wouldn't
kidnap so many of us.
320
00:12:19,363 --> 00:12:21,031
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Anyone?
321
00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:24,869
Trish, you did Tae Bo, so, you know.
322
00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:27,455
- Or maybe, like, I could...
- [WOMAN SOBBING]
323
00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:29,665
Okay, you're right. Forget it.
324
00:12:29,748 --> 00:12:32,835
Why don't they kill him or escape?
I mean, that's what I'd do.
325
00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:34,211
You took that Tae Bo class.
326
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:36,046
[LAUGHS] Try and get me, baby.
327
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:37,590
- Whoa! Huh, huh, huh!
- [GIGGLES]
328
00:12:37,673 --> 00:12:39,008
- [SQUEALS]
- [LAUGHS]
329
00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:40,342
Bryan Pigslinger,
330
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:43,220
put me down -uh! [SQUEAKS]
331
00:12:43,270 --> 00:12:44,290
[INSPIRING MUSIC]
332
00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:46,515
[KIMMY] So I learned to count on myself.
333
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,225
I worked the late shift
334
00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:51,479
skimming diarrhea off the
tide pool at Splash Town.
335
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:53,189
I paid for my braces,
336
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:56,650
my textbooks, my British
Rosetta Stone CDs.
337
00:12:56,734 --> 00:13:00,154
[WITH COCKNEY ACCENT] But it was
bloody well worth it, innit?
338
00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:01,180
[LAUGHTER]
339
00:13:01,238 --> 00:13:03,699
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
340
00:13:03,782 --> 00:13:05,451
As a philosophy minor,
341
00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:08,370
I know that Adam Smith's
invisible hand of the market
342
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,498
rewards those who deserve it.
343
00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:12,291
So if you don't succeed,
344
00:13:12,374 --> 00:13:15,753
feel free to blame Sliding
Doors or butterflies
345
00:13:15,836 --> 00:13:18,714
or your mom... or baby Gavin.
346
00:13:18,797 --> 00:13:21,717
- [CLASSMATE] Ooh.
- But you should blame yourself,
347
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:25,554
because you're in control
of your destiny.
348
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:29,475
When I was 14, I decided
I would live in London,
349
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:33,020
work in public relations, and
get David Spade's haircut.
350
00:13:33,812 --> 00:13:35,105
Well, guess what.
351
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:40,027
Tomorrow I fly to London for my new job.
352
00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:41,946
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
353
00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:43,864
Baby's... leaving?
354
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:46,283
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]
355
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:49,745
Unfortunately, not everyone is blessed
356
00:13:49,828 --> 00:13:52,540
with the advantages I've given myself.
357
00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:54,208
I'm speaking, of course,
358
00:13:54,291 --> 00:13:56,210
of the 18 nursing students,
359
00:13:56,293 --> 00:13:58,587
one York Steak House waitress,
360
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,923
and Durnsville's only girl scarecrow,
361
00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:04,176
who have all gone missing since 1998.
362
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:08,681
In their honor, I will be releasing
20 rare Amazonian butterflies
363
00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:10,683
donated by the biology department.
364
00:14:10,766 --> 00:14:14,436
["DROPS OF JUPITER" PLAYING]
365
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,648
-
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
- [ALL] Whoa!
366
00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:20,484
With drops of Jupiter in her hair...
367
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:22,278
- [RADIO STATIC CRACKLES]
- [DISPATCHER] All units,
368
00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:26,240
an APB for a windowless gray
1991 GMC Creeper last spotted
369
00:14:26,323 --> 00:14:28,325
on Boom Goes the Dynamite Kid Boulevard.
370
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,039
Matches the vehicle seen in the vicinity
371
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:31,870
of several recent kidnappings.
372
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:34,999
Hot diggity dog, that's right near here.
373
00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:37,042
I can see the headline now:
374
00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:39,503
"Rescues Cop Dyslexic Nurses."
375
00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:40,796
Tell me
376
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,172
Did Venus blow your mind?
377
00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:45,509
[SHOUTS] Oh! Up close, they're horrible!
378
00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:47,511
And did you miss me
379
00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:49,179
-
While you were looking
- Ah!
380
00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:53,267
For yourself out there
381
00:14:53,350 --> 00:14:54,852
[BRYAN] Baby!
382
00:14:54,935 --> 00:14:57,938
[MUSIC FADES]
383
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,233
[SIGHS] You know what, Gretchen?
384
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:04,904
I've been a Cosmetologist
for nine years now,
385
00:15:04,980 --> 00:15:06,999
and all I've done is sign autographs
386
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,000
and do all of Tom Cruise's stunts.
387
00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:12,202
[EXCITING MUSIC]
388
00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:17,708
389
00:15:17,791 --> 00:15:19,668
[ENGINE ZOOMS]
390
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:21,086
[DIRECTOR] And action!
391
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:22,796
Titus, what are you saying?
392
00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:25,549
I know I signed a contract,
393
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:30,262
but I don't think I can wait
999,999,991 years to get out of here.
394
00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:33,432
Wow. I'm gonna chalk that
one up to the tiny aliens
395
00:15:33,515 --> 00:15:36,018
that the sun shoots off of the
moon and into your dreams.
396
00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:39,146
This is not about facts.
I'm just being emotional.
397
00:15:39,229 --> 00:15:40,856
The church has been good for both of us.
398
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:43,192
Before Cosmetology, I was
selling my hair on the Internet
399
00:15:43,275 --> 00:15:45,444
and dancing at a tops-only strip club.
400
00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:49,323
Somebody should be down
here signing my head shots.
401
00:15:49,406 --> 00:15:50,407
You wanna be a famous actor?
402
00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:53,035
A year ago, this is exactly
what Greg Kinnear was doing,
403
00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:54,244
but now he has an Oscar
404
00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:56,914
for Sliding Doors 3, colon,
Jingle All the Door.
405
00:15:56,997 --> 00:15:59,208
- [SOFTLY] Wow.
- That could be you someday,
406
00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:00,960
if you put your faith in the Founder
407
00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:03,921
and actualate your potentiality
through cashier's checks.
408
00:16:04,004 --> 00:16:05,004
[DOOR CLATTERS OPEN]
409
00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:08,384
Tom Cruise needs you to
jump out of a helicopter
410
00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:10,636
into another helicopter
that's full of eels.
411
00:16:12,888 --> 00:16:14,390
[SIGHS]
412
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:17,309
Good-bye, Gretchen.
413
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:18,936
One way or another, I'm
not coming back here.
414
00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:21,647
Yeah, we're thinking this
stunt is gonna kill you.
415
00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:25,567
But it's for a remake of War
of the Worlds, so... worth it!
416
00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:29,113
[INHALES DEEPLY]
417
00:16:29,196 --> 00:16:31,782
[UNSETTLING MUSIC]
418
00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:34,785
[MONITOR BEEPING]
419
00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:40,040
420
00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:43,585
The doctor said I should
read to you, so...
421
00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:47,464
"Congratulations on your
purchase of nunchucks.
422
00:16:47,548 --> 00:16:50,718
- To use your nunchucks"...
- [MONITOR BEEPING]
423
00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:52,678
- Kimberly?
- [BEEPING CONTINUES]
424
00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:53,971
Baby? Are you okay?
425
00:16:54,054 --> 00:16:55,180
- [MONITOR BEEPING SHRILLY]
- Nurse!
426
00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:56,849
Nurse, my baby's machines!
427
00:16:56,932 --> 00:16:59,268
I'll be there in a minute.
It's just me here.
428
00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:01,437
We've had such a hard
time finding nurses
429
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,480
'cause of the whole
grabby-grabby, takey-takey.
430
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,482
- [KIMMY] Bryan?
- [BEEPING STOPS]
431
00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:08,610
[DISHEARTENED MUSIC]
432
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:10,863
Hey.
433
00:17:10,946 --> 00:17:13,240
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
434
00:17:13,323 --> 00:17:15,784
This isn't London, is it?
435
00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:17,828
No.
436
00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:19,747
437
00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:22,291
[JACQUELINE GASPS] Julian Voorhees?
438
00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:23,417
The billionaire?
439
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,169
We met on a NetJets
flight I was working,
440
00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:26,962
and I locked it down old-school.
441
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,714
You're pregnant?
442
00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:30,507
But after your mechanical
bull accident...
443
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:32,676
- The doctors say it's a miracle.
- [SIGHS]
444
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,345
You're so lucky you work for NetJets.
445
00:17:35,429 --> 00:17:36,513
I would've gotten that job
446
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:39,391
if I hadn't been covered
in vomit at my interview.
447
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:40,976
The richest guy I ever saw on Delta
448
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,580
was when we were transporting
the corpse of Spuds MacKenzie.
449
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,019
So you won't meet someone at work.
450
00:17:45,020 --> 00:17:47,040
That's what the bar
at The Pierre is for.
451
00:17:47,060 --> 00:17:49,690
[SIGHS] I just feel like
the clock is ticking.
452
00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:54,198
As a wise man once said, 35
is checkout time for women.
453
00:17:54,281 --> 00:17:56,158
And honestly, it's getting harder
and harder to do that thing
454
00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:57,493
where I put both feet in my mouth.
455
00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:00,204
[MAN] Don't tell me about
New York real estate.
456
00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:02,748
I put up buildings in every borough!
457
00:18:02,831 --> 00:18:03,832
[JACQUELINE] Mm.
458
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,584
Oh, he's a real estate developer.
459
00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:08,045
- [MAN LAUGHS]
- I swear on the Virgin Mary!
460
00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:10,130
- [MAN] Yeah, right on.
- And a non-Jewish one.
461
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:11,381
[MAN LAUGHS]
462
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:14,259
You know what to do, girl.
463
00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:15,594
[EXHALES, SNIFFS]
464
00:18:15,677 --> 00:18:18,597
[SWANKY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
465
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,891
466
00:18:20,974 --> 00:18:23,435
[GASPS] Oh! Clumsy me.
467
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,062
I'm so sorry.
468
00:18:25,145 --> 00:18:26,522
Hey, don't apologize.
469
00:18:26,605 --> 00:18:27,648
I love this,
470
00:18:27,731 --> 00:18:28,857
'cause I'm so straight.
471
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:29,900
[LAUGHTER]
472
00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:32,236
Oh, yeah? Prove it.
473
00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:33,320
[DOOR BANGS OPEN]
474
00:18:33,403 --> 00:18:35,697
[JACQUELINE PANTING]
475
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:38,075
Whoa, boy, that was...
that was so good and sexy,
476
00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:39,827
but I-I gotta get up real early.
477
00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:41,829
How about you get up right now?
478
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:44,456
Let's watch TV!
479
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:48,293
Richard Wayne Gary Wayne,
480
00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:49,711
you are my...
481
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,421
The Apprentice.
482
00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:52,840
[RICHARD] Fabulosity!
483
00:18:52,923 --> 00:18:54,133
[MAN] You did a great job
with that fruit garden.
484
00:18:54,216 --> 00:18:55,259
How'd you do that?
485
00:18:55,342 --> 00:18:57,636
[TRUMP] I told you to get out of here.
486
00:18:57,719 --> 00:18:59,346
But not you, Omarosa.
487
00:18:59,429 --> 00:19:01,181
- [EXCITING MUSIC]
- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]
488
00:19:01,265 --> 00:19:03,880
Ms. Schmidt, Carla Tuesday, WDUR.
489
00:19:03,890 --> 00:19:04,900
The DUR?
490
00:19:04,935 --> 00:19:07,020
You were the golden
girl of Durnsville...
491
00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:10,065
top of your class, on your
way to a job in London.
492
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,441
So now what?
493
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:14,862
Well, I missed out on a year of my life.
494
00:19:14,945 --> 00:19:16,864
Britney shaved her head.
495
00:19:17,531 --> 00:19:20,742
Um... and no, this wasn't the plan.
496
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:24,705
But if I had gone to England,
497
00:19:24,788 --> 00:19:25,831
I never would have known
498
00:19:25,914 --> 00:19:28,584
how devoted my boyfriend, Bryan, was.
499
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,586
- [CARLA] Oh.
- [CHUCKLES]
500
00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:32,254
My baby never left my side.
501
00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:34,381
What an amazeballs love story.
502
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:36,425
You didn't just get hit
by a car, Kimberly.
503
00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:38,510
You got hit by Cupid's arrow and a car.
504
00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:41,889
[CHUCKLES] It is amazing, Carla.
505
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:46,226
But right now, I'm just excited
to build a new dream life
506
00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:50,439
right here in Durnsville, Indiana.
507
00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:53,692
I've got a man who loves me
508
00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:56,028
and a degree in communications, so...
509
00:19:56,111 --> 00:19:57,111
what else do I need?
510
00:19:57,821 --> 00:19:58,864
Plus, I'm on TV.
511
00:19:58,947 --> 00:20:01,033
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
- [JOURNALISTS CHATTERING]
512
00:20:01,116 --> 00:20:03,744
- [OFFICER] Okay, let's go.
- [INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
513
00:20:03,827 --> 00:20:04,995
[OFFICER] Yep, watch your head.
514
00:20:05,078 --> 00:20:06,455
[HIP-HOP MUSIC]
515
00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:07,873
Bless you boys.
516
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:09,374
I haven't been able
517
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:11,919
to find anyone to rent out my apartment
518
00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:14,504
with all these gangy-bangers around.
519
00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:15,881
Just doing our job, ma'am.
520
00:20:15,964 --> 00:20:16,965
[CAR DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
521
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,060
[SIREN CHIRPS]
522
00:20:18,070 --> 00:20:21,261
523
00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:22,387
[DIEGO] Mama Lil'.
524
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,891
I know it was you who dropped
a dime on El Veriz?n.
525
00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:29,353
I should be running this gang.
526
00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:32,356
I kept the Banana Boys out of New York.
527
00:20:32,439 --> 00:20:35,609
I got Mayor Bloomberg in my pocket.
528
00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:37,945
Literally. He's tiny.
529
00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:40,864
- [SUCKS TEETH]
- Oh.
530
00:20:40,948 --> 00:20:43,200
Who else knows I put him away?
531
00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:46,161
Nobody. Not yet.
532
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:47,537
Mm.
533
00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:49,081
[EERIE MUSIC]
534
00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:51,041
Diego...
535
00:20:51,124 --> 00:20:54,544
you've been almost like a son to me
536
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,463
these past nine years.
537
00:20:57,172 --> 00:20:58,590
- [GUNSHOT]
- [GRUNTS]
538
00:20:58,674 --> 00:20:59,925
[DIEGO BREATHES SHAKILY]
539
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,804
But I ain't got no family...
540
00:21:03,887 --> 00:21:05,806
or, say, tenants
541
00:21:05,889 --> 00:21:09,476
who, over time, would
become like family to me.
542
00:21:09,559 --> 00:21:12,854
[HARD ROCK MUSIC]
543
00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:14,481
[WAILING] Murder!
544
00:21:14,564 --> 00:21:16,650
They murdered him!
545
00:21:16,733 --> 00:21:20,237
Will this neighborhood never gentrify?
546
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,781
[GASPS DELICATELY]
547
00:21:22,864 --> 00:21:25,867
[SWANKY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
548
00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:27,995
Hey, Jacqueline, I got your message.
549
00:21:28,078 --> 00:21:29,871
Oh, Michael.
550
00:21:29,955 --> 00:21:32,040
I didn't know how to
tell you. I'm pregnant.
551
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,417
I-it's mine?
552
00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:35,460
What are you implying?
553
00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:36,878
[WHISPERING] You were my first.
554
00:21:36,962 --> 00:21:39,089
Look, I'll do the right thing.
555
00:21:39,172 --> 00:21:40,549
I've already picked out the ring,
556
00:21:40,570 --> 00:21:41,659
I've applied to St. Clotilde's,
557
00:21:41,660 --> 00:21:43,280
and I've practiced firing all the help.
558
00:21:43,343 --> 00:21:44,970
[SHOUTING] Because they're against me!
559
00:21:46,013 --> 00:21:48,432
Wait, why are you dressed like that?
560
00:21:48,515 --> 00:21:52,144
What's that giant belt with
all the dangly things?
561
00:21:52,227 --> 00:21:54,604
You mean my tool belt?
It's my tool belt.
562
00:21:55,350 --> 00:21:56,759
Oh, and you're wearing it
563
00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:58,524
because you're in the
middle of taping an episode
564
00:21:58,525 --> 00:21:59,943
of Undercover Boss.
565
00:22:00,027 --> 00:22:01,111
[LAUGHS] I wish!
566
00:22:01,194 --> 00:22:02,696
I thought Mr. Durst was doing that
567
00:22:02,779 --> 00:22:03,905
on the site the other day,
568
00:22:03,989 --> 00:22:06,700
but he was just digging a
hole wearing a lady's dress.
569
00:22:06,783 --> 00:22:08,410
I'm a construction worker.
570
00:22:08,493 --> 00:22:10,078
You know that. I told you,
571
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:11,705
I put up buildings all over town.
572
00:22:11,788 --> 00:22:13,874
[TIGHTLY] I thought you were
a real estate developer.
573
00:22:13,957 --> 00:22:16,084
What about that suit you were wearing?
574
00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:17,794
I was coming from a funeral.
575
00:22:17,878 --> 00:22:19,796
- Oh.
- My Pupazza was killed by a woodpecker.
576
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,757
The wad of cash?
577
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:23,175
I always carry around
all my money in cash.
578
00:22:23,250 --> 00:22:25,299
I don't trust banks
because I build banks,
579
00:22:25,300 --> 00:22:26,340
and they're not well-built.
580
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:29,220
That was... all your money?
581
00:22:29,306 --> 00:22:30,432
Hey.
582
00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:32,059
You don't gotta worry, okay?
583
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:33,090
I'm Catholic,
584
00:22:33,101 --> 00:22:34,478
so I love doing things I hate.
585
00:22:34,561 --> 00:22:37,189
586
00:22:37,272 --> 00:22:38,272
[SHUDDERS]
587
00:22:39,733 --> 00:22:42,110
I know this isn't all romantic
like we're at San Gennaro
588
00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:44,321
and I hid the ring in a
plate of sauge and pepps,
589
00:22:44,404 --> 00:22:46,031
but will you marry me, Jacqueline?
590
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:50,999
Now all you gotta do
is dye your hair brown
591
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,140
so we can get married in the church.
592
00:22:52,170 --> 00:22:54,081
On our honeymoon, you're gonna
wanna go to Philadelphia
593
00:22:54,164 --> 00:22:55,791
to see the Rocky statue, aren't you?
594
00:22:55,874 --> 00:22:57,834
[LAUGHING] Yeah, pal.
595
00:23:00,253 --> 00:23:03,715
[TV ANNOUNCER] Ooh, another crafty
blast by the Goshen Woodchucker.
596
00:23:03,799 --> 00:23:06,426
It's sixes all around as we
go to the fifth quadrant,
597
00:23:06,510 --> 00:23:08,303
and that'd be a tough
class ring to swallow
598
00:23:08,386 --> 00:23:10,013
after the showing by the Hunt Duckers.
599
00:23:10,020 --> 00:23:11,030
[LOCK CLICKS, DOOR SLAMS]
600
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:12,741
[ANNOUNCER] He's got
Langbert in his sights.
601
00:23:13,141 --> 00:23:14,768
And... ooh!
602
00:23:14,851 --> 00:23:16,812
- A narrow miss...
- What the hell, Pigslinger?
603
00:23:16,895 --> 00:23:18,355
You're not watching my segment?
604
00:23:18,438 --> 00:23:19,689
[ANNOUNCER] ... if you
notice, ever since he...
605
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:23,318
... a truck driver who could learn
something from this reporter:
606
00:23:23,401 --> 00:23:26,530
you don't have to die in a car accident.
607
00:23:26,613 --> 00:23:28,115
Reporting from the Durnsville Turn,
608
00:23:28,198 --> 00:23:30,826
- I'm Kimberly Schmidt-Pigslinger. Fletch?
- [MOUTHING WORDS]
609
00:23:30,909 --> 00:23:31,993
[FLETCH] Thanks, Kimberly.
610
00:23:32,077 --> 00:23:33,370
[FLETCH CHUCKLES HEARTILY]
611
00:23:33,450 --> 00:23:35,490
It's too bad heaven
is just a fairy tale,
612
00:23:35,500 --> 00:23:36,950
and when you die, that's it.
613
00:23:36,957 --> 00:23:38,583
Did you not have time to dust today,
614
00:23:38,667 --> 00:23:40,710
- Donna Maria?
- Well, she had to make dinner...
615
00:23:40,794 --> 00:23:42,462
again, because you were at work.
616
00:23:42,540 --> 00:23:45,480
[GASPS SARCASTICALLY]
Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
617
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:46,710
I'll work less,
618
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:48,639
and your winnings on Ninja Warrior
619
00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:50,302
can pay for our vacations to Houston.
620
00:23:50,303 --> 00:23:52,347
Humans aren't meant to climb nets.
621
00:23:52,430 --> 00:23:55,725
Twenty-three women and one
very fetching scarecrow
622
00:23:55,809 --> 00:23:58,186
were found on the
property of this man...
623
00:23:58,270 --> 00:23:59,271
They found the nurses.
624
00:23:59,354 --> 00:24:02,649
- ... Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne.
- Ugh, look at that creep.
625
00:24:02,732 --> 00:24:06,444
Anyone who gets in his van
deserves to be kidnapped.
626
00:24:06,528 --> 00:24:09,030
But with a shave and a haircut...
627
00:24:09,114 --> 00:24:11,533
- [ANCHOR CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
- ... okay, I see it.
628
00:24:11,616 --> 00:24:14,119
[ANCHOR] ... while reflecting on it all.
629
00:24:14,202 --> 00:24:16,913
Locked in a BunCo model "It's
the Apocalypse" bomb shelter...
630
00:24:16,997 --> 00:24:18,039
Oh, my God.
631
00:24:18,123 --> 00:24:21,209
NBC wants me to go live
tonight on the national news.
632
00:24:21,293 --> 00:24:25,797
Gonna be famous, gonna be on TV
633
00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:27,841
Thank God for stupid nurses!
634
00:24:28,550 --> 00:24:31,469
- _
- [BLEAK GUITAR MUSIC]
635
00:24:31,553 --> 00:24:38,226
636
00:24:38,310 --> 00:24:39,519
I can't believe
637
00:24:39,603 --> 00:24:42,105
you dare put your shadow on my step.
638
00:24:42,189 --> 00:24:45,233
I thought I was too big for this town.
639
00:24:45,310 --> 00:24:47,940
Me and my damn fool dreams.
640
00:24:47,980 --> 00:24:49,859
If I never run off, Auntie,
641
00:24:49,860 --> 00:24:52,260
I'd be able to walk up there
and hug you right now.
642
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:54,910
I ain't gonna turn you
out. You're my kin.
643
00:24:54,993 --> 00:24:57,954
But I ain't gon' lift
a finger to help you.
644
00:25:00,081 --> 00:25:01,666
I can do it.
645
00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:08,632
646
00:25:12,427 --> 00:25:13,762
[PHONE RINGING]
647
00:25:13,845 --> 00:25:15,013
Don't answer that!
648
00:25:15,096 --> 00:25:16,890
What you so scared of, boy?
649
00:25:16,973 --> 00:25:18,725
Sweep me into the house, Auntie.
650
00:25:18,808 --> 00:25:20,977
I gotta hide. There's some
real bad men after me.
651
00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:22,312
I can't go back to that place!
652
00:25:23,980 --> 00:25:27,025
Well, you'll be safe here in this place.
653
00:25:27,108 --> 00:25:30,153
This place... by the road.
654
00:25:30,237 --> 00:25:32,614
655
00:25:32,697 --> 00:25:35,742
[INTENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
656
00:25:35,825 --> 00:25:38,495
What was the take last week, B?
657
00:25:38,578 --> 00:25:39,788
- Only two Gs.
- Ugh.
658
00:25:39,871 --> 00:25:41,915
I'm sorry, Mama Lil'. It's the economy.
659
00:25:41,998 --> 00:25:45,710
Howard Dean. Not my president.
660
00:25:45,794 --> 00:25:47,671
When are we getting new product?
661
00:25:47,754 --> 00:25:50,340
I can't keep cutting our
coke with cat dandruff.
662
00:25:50,423 --> 00:25:52,342
It's getting people too high!
663
00:25:52,425 --> 00:25:53,760
[MAN] Yo, B, wait up.
664
00:25:53,843 --> 00:25:56,388
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
665
00:25:56,471 --> 00:25:59,474
Se?or Dentista called the cops
on our corner boys again.
666
00:26:00,809 --> 00:26:02,727
Kill him.
667
00:26:02,811 --> 00:26:06,231
Do it at exactly 2:30.
668
00:26:06,314 --> 00:26:08,024
- Get it? [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES FLATLY]
669
00:26:08,108 --> 00:26:09,359
"Tooth-hurty"?
670
00:26:09,442 --> 00:26:12,988
[LAUGHS] His whole body's gonna hurty.
671
00:26:13,071 --> 00:26:14,614
It's naptime!
672
00:26:14,698 --> 00:26:16,950
- [CHILDREN SCREAMING]
- Drink your soda and go to bed!
673
00:26:17,033 --> 00:26:19,536
- [CHILD] No! No!
- Lexus, Pandora!
674
00:26:19,619 --> 00:26:22,205
- Stop hitting Rolex.
- [LEXUS] I hate you!
675
00:26:22,289 --> 00:26:25,959
Oh, yeah? Well, I've hated you
since before you were born!
676
00:26:26,042 --> 00:26:27,794
[CHILDREN SCREAMING, TV
PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
677
00:26:27,877 --> 00:26:29,462
Oh, thanks for your help, Michael.
678
00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:31,965
I hope you're better at watching
holes than you are your own kids.
679
00:26:32,048 --> 00:26:33,425
You know I'm not a hole-watcher.
680
00:26:33,508 --> 00:26:35,927
I'm a hole-watcher watcher.
That's for why we're poor.
681
00:26:36,011 --> 00:26:37,137
Look at you.
682
00:26:37,220 --> 00:26:39,973
At work, you just watch
people watch people work.
683
00:26:40,056 --> 00:26:41,391
At home, you just sit there
684
00:26:41,474 --> 00:26:44,602
and watch the Mets win World
Series after World Series.
685
00:26:44,686 --> 00:26:47,647
You watch and you watch,
but you never do anything.
686
00:26:47,650 --> 00:26:48,670
- I'm sorry, babe.
- [REMOTE CLICKS]
687
00:26:48,732 --> 00:26:50,859
[SARCASTICALLY] Oh, you're sorry.
688
00:26:50,942 --> 00:26:52,902
Well, now everything's fixed.
689
00:26:52,986 --> 00:26:56,156
I don't live in a basement with
five kids under the age of two.
690
00:26:56,239 --> 00:26:58,992
I can pick up another shift.
I'll talk to Mr. Scarpone.
691
00:26:59,075 --> 00:27:00,243
Oh, I already did.
692
00:27:00,327 --> 00:27:02,704
The Scarpones are coming
over for dinner on Friday,
693
00:27:02,787 --> 00:27:04,205
'cause I got plans for this family.
694
00:27:04,289 --> 00:27:06,583
What do you mean "plans"?
And Friday dinner?
695
00:27:06,666 --> 00:27:08,376
They're gonna be expecting real fishes,
696
00:27:08,460 --> 00:27:09,878
not just a belt you drew a eel face on.
697
00:27:09,961 --> 00:27:11,421
We'll get real fish!
698
00:27:12,088 --> 00:27:14,090
This dinner is important, Michael.
699
00:27:14,174 --> 00:27:15,842
I heard some of the other wives talking.
700
00:27:15,925 --> 00:27:17,469
They're probably talking
about a different Mikey
701
00:27:17,552 --> 00:27:19,554
who's always looking at those
magazines as a j-joke.
702
00:27:19,630 --> 00:27:21,799
Mr. Scarpone is striking out on his own,
703
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,360
and he's looking for partners.
704
00:27:23,380 --> 00:27:27,145
You could be a businessman,
like the LEGO guy with the tie!
705
00:27:27,228 --> 00:27:28,521
You have the same shape head.
706
00:27:28,605 --> 00:27:30,690
But, Jackie, that kind
of thing takes money!
707
00:27:30,774 --> 00:27:33,109
- Ah!
- How did I end up with such a loser?
708
00:27:33,193 --> 00:27:34,402
You have no imagination.
709
00:27:34,486 --> 00:27:38,281
Oh, yeah? Tell that to my tattoo
of Garfield playing hockey.
710
00:27:38,365 --> 00:27:40,825
Okay, party's over, honkies.
711
00:27:40,909 --> 00:27:43,495
Oh, we're not having a party. That's
just baseline Italian shouting.
712
00:27:43,578 --> 00:27:46,039
Yeah, well, I need
youse all out of here.
713
00:27:46,122 --> 00:27:48,291
I'm expanding my operation.
714
00:27:48,375 --> 00:27:50,752
Gonna turn this place into a meth lab.
715
00:27:50,835 --> 00:27:52,379
But we have nowhere else to go.
716
00:27:52,462 --> 00:27:54,172
Please. We got four or five kids.
717
00:27:54,255 --> 00:27:56,091
I let youse live here
718
00:27:56,110 --> 00:27:58,079
because I thought it
would be helpful to have
719
00:27:58,080 --> 00:27:59,885
some potential hostages around.
720
00:27:59,886 --> 00:28:00,929
It's been a year.
721
00:28:01,012 --> 00:28:03,515
How many times have I actually
taken advantage of this?
722
00:28:03,598 --> 00:28:06,226
- Four!
- Four. Not worth it.
723
00:28:06,309 --> 00:28:07,519
Screw!
724
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:10,040
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
725
00:28:10,063 --> 00:28:12,065
You better man up and close
the deal at dinner tomorrow.
726
00:28:12,148 --> 00:28:14,359
Otherwise, we're gonna be
living on the streets.
727
00:28:14,442 --> 00:28:15,485
Like a car?
728
00:28:15,568 --> 00:28:17,070
[HUFFS]
729
00:28:17,153 --> 00:28:20,698
Durnsville is ordinarily
a sleepy little town
730
00:28:20,782 --> 00:28:23,618
due to runoff from the NyQuil factory.
731
00:28:23,701 --> 00:28:25,286
Cyndee! Cyndee Pokorny.
732
00:28:25,370 --> 00:28:26,663
Fire monster!
733
00:28:26,746 --> 00:28:28,248
[PANTS] Oh, sorry.
734
00:28:28,330 --> 00:28:30,380
I've never met a
red-haired person before.
735
00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:31,440
Does it hurt?
736
00:28:31,459 --> 00:28:33,169
Cyndee, you were the first
737
00:28:33,253 --> 00:28:36,172
of what I'm calling the
Indiana Worm Women,
738
00:28:36,256 --> 00:28:38,174
and America wants to know:
739
00:28:38,258 --> 00:28:41,594
was there weird sex stuff in the bunker?
740
00:28:41,678 --> 00:28:43,763
[SOBS]
741
00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:45,515
I know exactly how you feel.
742
00:28:45,598 --> 00:28:47,392
I was in a coma for a whole year.
743
00:28:47,475 --> 00:28:48,601
Oh, no. I'm so sorry.
744
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:49,894
And when I woke up,
745
00:28:49,978 --> 00:28:52,480
the first thing I thought was,
746
00:28:52,564 --> 00:28:55,650
"Are my beloved pets and
relatives still alive?"
747
00:28:55,734 --> 00:28:56,901
Has that occurred to you,
748
00:28:56,985 --> 00:28:59,863
or is it happening right
now, on national television?
749
00:29:01,322 --> 00:29:02,991
[SHAKILY] I guess now?
750
00:29:03,074 --> 00:29:05,160
Why didn't you ever try to escape?
751
00:29:05,243 --> 00:29:08,496
I wanted to, but getting
everyone to agree was real hard,
752
00:29:08,580 --> 00:29:10,206
and the nurses were cliquey,
753
00:29:10,290 --> 00:29:13,877
so it was just me and
Strawfany the scarecrow.
754
00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:15,670
Compelling stuff.
755
00:29:15,754 --> 00:29:17,172
- [WHIMPERS]
- What in the fuh?
756
00:29:17,255 --> 00:29:18,840
[DONNA MARIA SPEAKING SPANISH]
757
00:29:18,923 --> 00:29:20,049
[BRYAN] So we were trying to do it
758
00:29:20,133 --> 00:29:21,801
like they were doing it on the video,
759
00:29:21,885 --> 00:29:23,970
- but then the ceiling fan broke.
- Bryan!
760
00:29:24,679 --> 00:29:25,972
- [DONNA MARIA GASPS]
- [BRYAN] K-Kimberly?
761
00:29:26,055 --> 00:29:27,307
What are you...
762
00:29:27,390 --> 00:29:29,267
And Donna Maria?
763
00:29:29,350 --> 00:29:31,853
All my friends are here.
764
00:29:31,936 --> 00:29:33,688
You son of a bitch!
765
00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:35,523
- How could you do this to me?
- [BRYAN] Do what?
766
00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:37,442
All you care about is
your stupid career,
767
00:29:37,525 --> 00:29:40,236
and Donna Maria likes
hearing my ATV stories!
768
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:43,323
You were the reason I
stayed in this shit town.
769
00:29:43,406 --> 00:29:44,741
Because of our love story!
770
00:29:44,750 --> 00:29:45,770
- Hey... ow!
- [GRUNTS]
771
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:47,535
And I'm hotter than her!
772
00:29:47,619 --> 00:29:50,163
You haven't seen me in action, baby!
773
00:29:50,246 --> 00:29:51,915
[KIMMY GRUNTS]
774
00:29:51,998 --> 00:29:53,708
If you're just joining us,
775
00:29:53,792 --> 00:29:56,920
what I'm calling the Indiana
Worm Women have been rescued,
776
00:29:57,003 --> 00:30:00,465
and a local TV news reporter
will never work again.
777
00:30:00,548 --> 00:30:03,551
For all of us here at NBC
News, I'm Soledad O'Brien,
778
00:30:03,635 --> 00:30:06,888
reminding you that the
Purge begins at nightfall.
779
00:30:06,971 --> 00:30:08,139
Stay safe, everybody.
780
00:30:08,223 --> 00:30:09,682
Kimberly, let me explain.
781
00:30:09,766 --> 00:30:11,017
Explain what?
782
00:30:11,935 --> 00:30:14,437
I stood before God and
the Reverend Rik Smits
783
00:30:14,521 --> 00:30:16,606
and took your stupid hillbilly name...
784
00:30:16,689 --> 00:30:21,069
Hey! The Pigslinger name was invented
by my grandpa-dad as a brag.
785
00:30:21,152 --> 00:30:24,489
But the whole thing was a
lie, and you were the liar!
786
00:30:26,900 --> 00:30:28,539
I was in control of my life
787
00:30:28,540 --> 00:30:31,650
until you tricked me into
giving up on my dreams.
788
00:30:31,663 --> 00:30:34,040
Oh, sure, because none
of this is your fault.
789
00:30:34,123 --> 00:30:36,167
What does that have...
You are not... I am...
790
00:30:36,251 --> 00:30:38,920
We are having a conversa... Ah...
791
00:30:39,003 --> 00:30:40,004
I can't th...
792
00:30:40,088 --> 00:30:41,548
[AS LOU COSTELLO] Mm!
793
00:30:41,631 --> 00:30:44,551
I'm supposed to be in England right now.
794
00:30:44,634 --> 00:30:46,094
I'd be married to a lord,
795
00:30:46,177 --> 00:30:48,805
and we'd live in a castle that
we have to open up to tours
796
00:30:48,888 --> 00:30:52,517
because we can't afford the upkeep
and it's impossible to heat!
797
00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:55,061
Well, I am sorry I held
you back, Kimberly,
798
00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:56,104
but hey,
799
00:30:56,187 --> 00:30:58,439
it's never too late to
fulfill your dreams.
800
00:30:59,816 --> 00:31:01,818
You know what?
801
00:31:01,901 --> 00:31:04,279
That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
802
00:31:04,362 --> 00:31:07,365
Because I'm in control of my destiny!
803
00:31:07,448 --> 00:31:09,409
Forget the Radisson.
804
00:31:09,492 --> 00:31:12,328
You can send the divorce
papers to Kimberly Schmidt,
805
00:31:12,412 --> 00:31:14,539
London, Europe, Earth!
806
00:31:14,622 --> 00:31:17,750
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
807
00:31:17,834 --> 00:31:20,587
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]
808
00:31:20,670 --> 00:31:27,677
809
00:31:28,136 --> 00:31:30,763
Wow, Mrs. Scarpone, I
love your necklace.
810
00:31:30,847 --> 00:31:34,851
It's Two Butts by Jane Seymour.
811
00:31:34,934 --> 00:31:37,395
Rocco got it for me in one payment.
812
00:31:37,478 --> 00:31:40,523
813
00:31:40,607 --> 00:31:44,068
Well, happy wife, happy
life, right, Mr. Scarpone?
814
00:31:44,152 --> 00:31:46,571
That must be what keeps
you looking so young.
815
00:31:46,654 --> 00:31:49,741
No, it's that I'm religious
about sunscreen.
816
00:31:49,824 --> 00:31:53,077
And the Virgin Mary. May
Joseph never touch her.
817
00:31:53,953 --> 00:31:57,040
I love how your shower
is in your kitchen.
818
00:31:57,123 --> 00:31:59,167
[SNICKERS] In our home,
819
00:31:59,250 --> 00:32:01,961
our showers are in our bathrooms.
820
00:32:02,045 --> 00:32:05,089
And, of course, on Rocco's
boat, it's a chemical toilet.
821
00:32:05,173 --> 00:32:06,424
Like on a bus.
822
00:32:08,635 --> 00:32:11,512
Michael's always talking
about owning a boat someday.
823
00:32:11,596 --> 00:32:15,725
Only 'cause I got the
best boat name ever.
824
00:32:16,309 --> 00:32:17,309
Mr. Boat.
825
00:32:18,144 --> 00:32:19,771
It's a play on Mr. Met.
826
00:32:20,813 --> 00:32:24,067
That's why we've been saving up for
the right business opportunity.
827
00:32:24,150 --> 00:32:26,152
Well, look, I've been
meaning to mention this,
828
00:32:26,235 --> 00:32:29,614
but, uh, I'm actually planning on
starting my own little business.
829
00:32:29,697 --> 00:32:31,282
[GASPS] The chances!
830
00:32:31,366 --> 00:32:32,408
- Wow!
- What are they?
831
00:32:32,492 --> 00:32:34,118
I'm so surprised, I made in my pants.
832
00:32:34,202 --> 00:32:36,162
I just filed the paperwork
with the mob last week.
833
00:32:36,245 --> 00:32:37,455
[MIMI SIGHS]
834
00:32:37,538 --> 00:32:40,124
Business. Boring!
835
00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:41,528
[JACQUELINE MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]
836
00:32:41,850 --> 00:32:42,919
Shh. [GIGGLES]
837
00:32:43,002 --> 00:32:44,128
[JACQUELINE] Michael,
838
00:32:44,212 --> 00:32:47,423
isn't that just the kind of
opportunity you were looking for?
839
00:32:47,507 --> 00:32:48,716
[ROCCO] Look, Mikey,
840
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,344
I'd love to have you. You're
a good kid, you know?
841
00:32:51,427 --> 00:32:52,553
And the hole-watchers say
842
00:32:52,637 --> 00:32:55,974
they've never seen a man watch
another man with such interest.
843
00:32:56,057 --> 00:32:57,725
'Cause of it's my job.
844
00:32:57,809 --> 00:33:00,228
Right, but, uh, let's be real here.
845
00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:03,481
I mean, the buy-in for a
junior partner is 25 Gs.
846
00:33:05,066 --> 00:33:06,484
We're in.
847
00:33:06,567 --> 00:33:08,236
Thank you, Mr. Scarpone.
848
00:33:08,319 --> 00:33:10,154
We'll get you the money, I promise.
849
00:33:10,238 --> 00:33:11,906
Right, Mikey?
850
00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:12,940
[MIMI]
Hot!
851
00:33:12,991 --> 00:33:14,033
Sister!
852
00:33:14,117 --> 00:33:15,785
Railroad fun!
853
00:33:15,868 --> 00:33:16,953
Mimi, sweetheart, we're
at dinner right now.
854
00:33:17,036 --> 00:33:19,080
Just hit me! Do it!
855
00:33:19,163 --> 00:33:22,166
I want you to! I wanna feel something!
856
00:33:22,250 --> 00:33:23,835
- [SIREN WAILS]
- [MIMI SOBS, LAUGHS]
857
00:33:23,918 --> 00:33:25,920
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]
858
00:33:26,004 --> 00:33:27,714
Unbelievable.
859
00:33:27,797 --> 00:33:30,633
They're not even pretending to move out.
860
00:33:30,717 --> 00:33:31,740
Excuse me.
861
00:33:31,759 --> 00:33:33,094
Do you folks know where
I could get my hands
862
00:33:33,177 --> 00:33:35,221
on some of that meth
everyone's talking about?
863
00:33:35,304 --> 00:33:36,848
I wanna take apart my dishwasher,
864
00:33:36,931 --> 00:33:38,307
but who has the time?
865
00:33:38,391 --> 00:33:42,145
Yeah, we... we're having
some production hiccups.
866
00:33:42,228 --> 00:33:43,813
Could you come back next week?
867
00:33:43,896 --> 00:33:46,858
Forget it. I'll just go
back to Amish Country.
868
00:33:46,941 --> 00:33:48,735
Rumspringa over.
869
00:33:48,818 --> 00:33:52,530
I am losing money every day
that apartment is not a lab.
870
00:33:52,610 --> 00:33:55,779
They're just straight-up stupid,
disrespecting Mama Lil' like that.
871
00:33:55,780 --> 00:33:57,740
Yeah. Usually,
872
00:33:57,827 --> 00:34:01,289
when someone disrespects me, I just...
873
00:34:01,372 --> 00:34:02,832
... kill 'em! Kill 'em all.
874
00:34:02,915 --> 00:34:04,876
- Of course.
- It's so obvious.
875
00:34:04,959 --> 00:34:08,963
I am not a landlord. I'm a drug lord.
876
00:34:09,047 --> 00:34:12,008
So we just pop them. Blap, blap!
877
00:34:12,091 --> 00:34:14,552
If necessary, more blaps!
878
00:34:14,635 --> 00:34:15,970
So you want me to call the boys?
879
00:34:16,054 --> 00:34:18,848
Ah, you know, it's Taco Friday.
880
00:34:18,931 --> 00:34:21,184
We'll do it tomorrow.
881
00:34:21,267 --> 00:34:23,686
Our flight time from New
York to London Heathrow
882
00:34:23,770 --> 00:34:26,522
will be six hours, 55 minutes.
883
00:34:26,606 --> 00:34:28,900
Our first-class passengers
are now welcome
884
00:34:28,983 --> 00:34:31,402
to use their personal
entertainment consoles.
885
00:34:31,486 --> 00:34:32,904
For those of you in economy,
886
00:34:32,987 --> 00:34:36,365
we will be dangling a Dell
tablet from a fishing line.
887
00:34:36,449 --> 00:34:37,867
[EXHALES]
888
00:34:37,950 --> 00:34:39,619
[KIMMY] Uh, miss?
889
00:34:39,702 --> 00:34:40,703
[KIMMY MURMURS]
890
00:34:40,787 --> 00:34:43,498
[PASSENGERS MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]
891
00:34:43,581 --> 00:34:45,833
- Yes, ma'am?
- Let me ask you something.
892
00:34:45,917 --> 00:34:47,668
This your dream? Stewardessing?
893
00:34:47,752 --> 00:34:50,129
[SIGHS] No, of course not.
894
00:34:50,213 --> 00:34:52,632
I mean, why does anyone do this?
895
00:34:52,715 --> 00:34:55,593
I just wanted to meet someone fancy
and never have to work again.
896
00:34:55,676 --> 00:34:58,179
Not me. My husband's a billionaire.
897
00:34:58,262 --> 00:35:00,056
I do this job because I love it.
898
00:35:00,070 --> 00:35:01,080
Oh.
899
00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:03,351
So why haven't you met someone?
900
00:35:03,434 --> 00:35:05,520
If that's what you want,
you should go for it.
901
00:35:05,603 --> 00:35:08,064
I make tall penis buildings.
902
00:35:08,147 --> 00:35:09,941
They have sex with the sky.
903
00:35:10,024 --> 00:35:11,067
[MAN] Well, we're in Minneapolis.
904
00:35:11,150 --> 00:35:12,568
You want a rich guy?
905
00:35:12,652 --> 00:35:14,987
That's the best you're gonna
do on a commercial flight.
906
00:35:15,071 --> 00:35:16,572
I hear he's almost a millionaire.
907
00:35:16,656 --> 00:35:20,326
All I need is 25 grand, and
then I can start a new life.
908
00:35:20,409 --> 00:35:22,036
I'm only flying on this plane
909
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:25,414
because Trump Airlines is
too classy and successful.
910
00:35:25,498 --> 00:35:28,000
The tickets are all sold out!
911
00:35:28,084 --> 00:35:29,710
[WHISPERING] So go hump Trump.
912
00:35:29,794 --> 00:35:31,963
Take a lesson from me:
913
00:35:32,046 --> 00:35:34,549
it's never too late to
follow your dreams.
914
00:35:40,763 --> 00:35:42,265
- [BURGER CRUNCHES]
- No.
915
00:35:42,348 --> 00:35:43,891
I can't. I'm married.
916
00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:45,143
Who cares?
917
00:35:45,226 --> 00:35:49,188
Marriage is a trap set by
men to keep you in Indiana.
918
00:35:49,270 --> 00:35:51,519
And then they sit by your coma bed,
919
00:35:51,520 --> 00:35:53,580
and your maid Gonzo-noses his penis,
920
00:35:53,609 --> 00:35:55,570
and now look at me.
921
00:35:55,653 --> 00:35:56,696
London!
922
00:35:56,779 --> 00:35:58,156
My greatest accomplishment?
923
00:35:58,239 --> 00:35:59,282
Oh, we didn't ask.
924
00:35:59,365 --> 00:36:01,951
Not getting AIDS from Roy Cohn.
925
00:36:03,286 --> 00:36:05,830
Go be his mistress or
blackmail him or whatever.
926
00:36:05,913 --> 00:36:06,940
[SIGHS]
927
00:36:06,956 --> 00:36:08,916
You deserve better than this.
928
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:11,919
[CHIMING ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
929
00:36:12,003 --> 00:36:16,382
930
00:36:16,430 --> 00:36:17,720
_
931
00:36:17,740 --> 00:36:20,800
- [TRUMP GROANING]
- [JACQUELINE WHIMPERS]
932
00:36:20,887 --> 00:36:23,973
Is there a doctor on board? I
think he had a heart attack!
933
00:36:25,016 --> 00:36:28,394
Oh, he def did. God, I
love my job! [GIGGLES]
934
00:36:28,477 --> 00:36:29,604
- [PA BEEPS]
- [PILOT] Uh, folks,
935
00:36:29,687 --> 00:36:31,689
due to a medical emergency,
this flight is turning around
936
00:36:31,772 --> 00:36:33,399
and heading back to New York.
937
00:36:33,482 --> 00:36:34,859
Also, per Delta policy,
938
00:36:34,942 --> 00:36:37,778
I've gone ahead and dumped all your
checked baggage into the ocean.
939
00:36:37,862 --> 00:36:40,615
What? No! I've got to get to London!
940
00:36:40,698 --> 00:36:42,783
[TRUMP] I... I was...
941
00:36:42,867 --> 00:36:44,452
born in Kenya.
942
00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:49,123
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
943
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:54,795
[REPORTERS SHOUTING]
944
00:36:54,879 --> 00:36:57,006
[REPORTER] Jack, Jack!
945
00:36:57,089 --> 00:36:59,467
- [REPORTERS] Jack!
- [REPORTER] Jack! Over here!
946
00:36:59,550 --> 00:37:01,719
What does he have that I don't?
947
00:37:01,802 --> 00:37:03,846
Put your helmet back on, idiot.
948
00:37:03,930 --> 00:37:05,681
Sorry, sir.
949
00:37:05,765 --> 00:37:07,016
[EXCITING MUSIC]
950
00:37:07,099 --> 00:37:08,684
[EXCITED CHATTER]
951
00:37:08,768 --> 00:37:11,270
952
00:37:11,354 --> 00:37:12,647
Hiyah!
953
00:37:12,730 --> 00:37:15,816
[LAUGHS] How's everybody doing?
954
00:37:15,830 --> 00:37:16,850
Love you, Jack.
955
00:37:16,860 --> 00:37:19,070
[REPORTER] Jack, your
movies have made billions,
956
00:37:19,153 --> 00:37:21,405
but people are saying
this is your Oscar.
957
00:37:21,489 --> 00:37:24,533
My legs may be broke, but
my spirit ain't. [SOBS]
958
00:37:24,617 --> 00:37:27,995
Lord, I wish that broom could
sweep away your troubles.
959
00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:31,874
I want an award. I want one so bad.
960
00:37:32,458 --> 00:37:34,543
That's not why I do this.
961
00:37:34,627 --> 00:37:39,340
The real hero is this
guy, Fievel Dunches.
962
00:37:39,423 --> 00:37:40,675
Trumbull Stevens.
963
00:37:40,758 --> 00:37:44,553
The real-life veteran I had the
honor of portraying in this film.
964
00:37:44,637 --> 00:37:48,391
They kicked this man out of the army
just for being in a wheelchair.
965
00:37:48,474 --> 00:37:51,102
Then they persecuted
him, hunted him down
966
00:37:51,185 --> 00:37:53,104
simply because he stole a few secrets.
967
00:37:53,187 --> 00:37:56,190
- [REPORTER] You're so handsome!
- But now, thanks to this movie,
968
00:37:56,274 --> 00:37:59,610
he's back in the army, with
access to more secrets than ever!
969
00:37:59,694 --> 00:38:01,153
- [LAUGHS]
- [REPORTER] Evelyn, look at me!
970
00:38:01,237 --> 00:38:03,322
Whatever he's saying,
don't listen to him.
971
00:38:03,406 --> 00:38:04,573
He's mental. [LAUGHS]
972
00:38:04,657 --> 00:38:06,909
- Dame Evelyn!
- Yes!
973
00:38:06,993 --> 00:38:08,661
- Mwah.
- [REPORTER] Dame Evelyn!
974
00:38:08,744 --> 00:38:09,996
- [REPORTER] Look here, please.
- Oh.
975
00:38:10,079 --> 00:38:12,873
[REPORTER] Jack, have you talked to
January Jones since your divorce?
976
00:38:12,957 --> 00:38:16,252
She and I will always
respect each other.
977
00:38:16,335 --> 00:38:18,879
What we had was... intense.
978
00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:19,970
[FUNKY MUSIC]
979
00:38:19,980 --> 00:38:22,260
_
980
00:38:22,383 --> 00:38:24,802
But I'm here to talk about
this important film
981
00:38:24,885 --> 00:38:28,472
and how honored I was to
perform the title song,
982
00:38:28,556 --> 00:38:33,686
"The Place by the Road, parentheses,
Party Boy Gotta Bump Bump Bump."
983
00:38:33,769 --> 00:38:34,937
[EXCITING PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
984
00:38:35,021 --> 00:38:36,772
I love you all.
985
00:38:37,481 --> 00:38:38,858
Hiyah!
986
00:38:38,941 --> 00:38:41,444
987
00:38:41,527 --> 00:38:43,195
[SOBS]
988
00:38:43,279 --> 00:38:46,073
[SOFT WOODWIND MUSIC]
989
00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:47,158
[GASPS]
990
00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:50,745
Oh, good. [SNIFFLES] You're home.
991
00:38:51,329 --> 00:38:52,621
I, uh...
992
00:38:52,640 --> 00:38:53,660
I quit my job,
993
00:38:53,706 --> 00:38:56,083
because, like Gwyneth Paltrow,
in A View From the Top,
994
00:38:56,167 --> 00:38:58,502
I wasn't satisfied at Sierra Airlines.
995
00:38:58,586 --> 00:39:00,296
I craved the big time...
996
00:39:00,379 --> 00:39:01,964
the Paris route on Royalty Air.
997
00:39:02,048 --> 00:39:03,382
Are you kidding me?
998
00:39:03,466 --> 00:39:05,343
What you did is all over the news.
999
00:39:05,426 --> 00:39:06,927
[REPORTER] Mr. Trump
is in stable condition
1000
00:39:07,011 --> 00:39:09,305
at Trump International
Hospital, Casino, and Grill,
1001
00:39:09,388 --> 00:39:12,058
where his best friend,
nobody, is by his side.
1002
00:39:12,141 --> 00:39:14,477
I died for almost six minutes,
1003
00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:15,780
during which time
1004
00:39:15,860 --> 00:39:17,319
I saw hell.
1005
00:39:17,320 --> 00:39:20,140
Full of losers. Sad!
1006
00:39:20,232 --> 00:39:21,751
- [REPORTER] Mr. Tr...
- [REMOTE CLICKS]
1007
00:39:22,151 --> 00:39:23,527
How could you do this to us?
1008
00:39:23,611 --> 00:39:26,280
How could you do this to our family?
1009
00:39:26,364 --> 00:39:27,865
"Our family"?
1010
00:39:28,949 --> 00:39:32,078
I tried to get the money
to save our family.
1011
00:39:32,161 --> 00:39:34,413
I did what I had to
do because you won't.
1012
00:39:34,497 --> 00:39:35,539
You're not a man!
1013
00:39:35,623 --> 00:39:36,624
Oh, yeah?
1014
00:39:36,707 --> 00:39:39,377
I'll show you what kind of man I am!
1015
00:39:39,390 --> 00:39:40,400
[GASPS]
1016
00:39:40,410 --> 00:39:43,214
[SMOOCHING QUICKLY]
1017
00:39:43,297 --> 00:39:44,465
Uh, okay.
1018
00:39:45,716 --> 00:39:47,009
And I'm gonna get that money!
1019
00:39:48,260 --> 00:39:49,595
Because I take care of my wife,
1020
00:39:49,678 --> 00:39:51,138
like a real man.
1021
00:39:51,222 --> 00:39:52,681
Like Elton John
1022
00:39:52,765 --> 00:39:57,103
when he was married to German
sound engineer Renate Blauel!
1023
00:39:57,186 --> 00:39:59,688
- [JACQUELINE SIGHS, SOBS]
- [INTENSE MUSIC]
1024
00:39:59,772 --> 00:40:04,068
1025
00:40:04,151 --> 00:40:05,653
Hey, Jack. We gotta talk.
1026
00:40:05,736 --> 00:40:08,155
1027
00:40:08,239 --> 00:40:09,573
I told you, never in public.
1028
00:40:09,657 --> 00:40:12,576
1029
00:40:12,630 --> 00:40:14,800
_
1030
00:40:14,954 --> 00:40:16,539
[BOTH EXHALE HEAVILY]
1031
00:40:16,622 --> 00:40:19,291
[BOTH LAUGH BREATHLESSLY]
1032
00:40:19,375 --> 00:40:21,168
Jack, please.
1033
00:40:22,294 --> 00:40:24,630
I can't just give you
$25,000. You know that.
1034
00:40:24,713 --> 00:40:25,965
But I got nowhere else to turn.
1035
00:40:26,048 --> 00:40:28,217
Even if I wanted to, Cosmetology
holds all my money for me
1036
00:40:28,300 --> 00:40:29,510
to keep it safe from banks.
1037
00:40:29,593 --> 00:40:32,012
Yeah, can't trust banks.
1038
00:40:33,848 --> 00:40:36,892
But if you won't help
me out... I don't know.
1039
00:40:37,643 --> 00:40:39,603
I bet The National Enquirer
would pay good money
1040
00:40:39,687 --> 00:40:43,190
to hear who Jack Straightman likes
to play Timon and Pumbaa with.
1041
00:40:43,274 --> 00:40:45,818
You do that, and I'll sic the
Cosmetology chimp on you.
1042
00:40:46,402 --> 00:40:48,195
It's an adolescent, and it's angry.
1043
00:40:49,613 --> 00:40:51,824
- You got 24 hours.
- Mikey.
1044
00:40:51,830 --> 00:40:52,840
Mikey, please.
1045
00:40:52,867 --> 00:40:54,160
Mikey.
1046
00:40:54,243 --> 00:40:55,243
Mikey!
1047
00:40:58,622 --> 00:41:00,708
[PANTS] Oh, boy.
1048
00:41:00,791 --> 00:41:03,627
No, not boy. That's what
got me in this pickle.
1049
00:41:03,711 --> 00:41:04,711
Not pickle.
1050
00:41:06,255 --> 00:41:08,466
Who's the meatball I just saw
get out of this vehicle?
1051
00:41:08,549 --> 00:41:10,551
[INHALES SHARPLY] Admiral Gretchen.
1052
00:41:10,634 --> 00:41:13,721
We talked about this. We cured
your homosexuality, remember?
1053
00:41:13,804 --> 00:41:16,015
We were in the desert with snakes.
1054
00:41:16,098 --> 00:41:17,433
Obviously I remember,
1055
00:41:17,516 --> 00:41:19,143
but this guy's trying to blackmail me.
1056
00:41:19,226 --> 00:41:21,479
Too bad your contract
with January just ended.
1057
00:41:21,562 --> 00:41:23,898
You need to get ahead of this,
Jack. You've gotta get married
1058
00:41:23,981 --> 00:41:25,149
fast.
1059
00:41:25,232 --> 00:41:27,943
How am I supposed to find a new
wife in less than 24 hours?
1060
00:41:28,027 --> 00:41:29,195
Ah!
1061
00:41:29,278 --> 00:41:31,739
The Founder put me in
charge of the church.
1062
00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:34,700
He made that decision on what almost
immediately became his deathbed,
1063
00:41:34,783 --> 00:41:36,660
and I will not let you
destroy his legacy,
1064
00:41:36,744 --> 00:41:39,330
so find some dumb girl and get it done!
1065
00:41:39,413 --> 00:41:40,789
Now, if you'll excuse me,
1066
00:41:40,873 --> 00:41:43,125
I'm late to meet my husband,
Shelly, who's definitely alive,
1067
00:41:43,209 --> 00:41:44,877
and you just missed him.
1068
00:41:48,631 --> 00:41:50,257
[SIGHS]
1069
00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:53,260
[DOWNTRODDEN MUSIC]
1070
00:41:53,344 --> 00:41:54,678
[MUSIC BRIGHTENS]
1071
00:41:54,762 --> 00:41:56,472
Desperate.
1072
00:41:56,555 --> 00:41:57,555
Alone.
1073
00:41:58,682 --> 00:42:00,476
No ring.
1074
00:42:00,559 --> 00:42:03,270
Kind of a Opie Taylor vibe.
1075
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:06,106
She's perfect.
1076
00:42:06,190 --> 00:42:08,776
Michael! Pick up the phone.
1077
00:42:09,693 --> 00:42:11,278
- Look, I...
- [DOOR CLATTERS OPEN]
1078
00:42:11,362 --> 00:42:12,821
Time's up, Cindy-rella.
1079
00:42:12,905 --> 00:42:14,615
Lillian, please, give us one more day.
1080
00:42:14,698 --> 00:42:15,908
One more day?
1081
00:42:15,991 --> 00:42:17,993
What do I look like, a leap year?
1082
00:42:18,077 --> 00:42:19,870
[CHUCKLES] Well, I'm not.
1083
00:42:19,954 --> 00:42:21,789
Three sixty-five, baby.
1084
00:42:21,872 --> 00:42:24,875
You can't make us leave.
Squatter's rights.
1085
00:42:24,959 --> 00:42:27,878
Oh-ho, nice try, girlie.
1086
00:42:27,962 --> 00:42:31,632
But you see, dead people
ain't got no rights.
1087
00:42:32,340 --> 00:42:34,720
Yeah, that's right. You heard me.
1088
00:42:34,750 --> 00:42:37,579
You don't clear out of
here, me and my boys
1089
00:42:37,580 --> 00:42:39,580
are gonna gut you like a...
1090
00:42:40,933 --> 00:42:44,395
Ah, boy. The swimmy
things. Blub-blub-blub.
1091
00:42:44,478 --> 00:42:45,688
A fish?
1092
00:42:45,771 --> 00:42:47,815
Thank you. Ah, jeez.
1093
00:42:47,898 --> 00:42:49,316
Don't grow old, honey.
1094
00:42:51,402 --> 00:42:54,488
Well, if you kill us, we won't
have to worry about that.
1095
00:42:54,572 --> 00:42:56,198
Yeah, it's true.
1096
00:42:56,282 --> 00:42:58,576
If I murder you and your family,
1097
00:42:58,659 --> 00:43:02,871
turn this apartment into a meth
lab, as is my stated desire,
1098
00:43:02,955 --> 00:43:04,290
you won't grow old.
1099
00:43:04,373 --> 00:43:06,208
You're bluffing.
1100
00:43:06,292 --> 00:43:08,127
I don't think you've killed anyone.
1101
00:43:08,210 --> 00:43:09,628
Oh, yeah?
1102
00:43:09,712 --> 00:43:11,297
Uh, my late husband, Roland,
1103
00:43:11,380 --> 00:43:12,965
my boy Diego,
1104
00:43:13,048 --> 00:43:14,967
Gustavo Fring,
1105
00:43:15,050 --> 00:43:17,595
the first Becky from Roseanne...
1106
00:43:17,678 --> 00:43:21,223
well, I guess basically
anybody who gets in my way.
1107
00:43:21,307 --> 00:43:23,767
And guess where you are, bitch.
1108
00:43:23,851 --> 00:43:26,770
[INTRIGUING MUSIC]
1109
00:43:26,854 --> 00:43:32,610
1110
00:43:32,693 --> 00:43:35,154
God, send me a sign.
1111
00:43:35,237 --> 00:43:36,822
I'm so lost.
1112
00:43:36,905 --> 00:43:40,618
Are you also confused
and out of options?
1113
00:43:40,701 --> 00:43:44,330
All of my luggage is gone,
and I can't go home
1114
00:43:44,413 --> 00:43:46,624
because my husband is...
[AS RICHARD] garbage.
1115
00:43:47,416 --> 00:43:49,501
I guess Sliding Doors is right.
1116
00:43:49,585 --> 00:43:50,878
Everything is just random.
1117
00:43:50,961 --> 00:43:52,046
Wrong.
1118
00:43:52,129 --> 00:43:54,214
You are in control of your destiny.
1119
00:43:54,298 --> 00:43:58,761
That's what I always thought,
but... then what am I doing here?
1120
00:43:58,844 --> 00:44:02,765
I'm sorry. You look really familiar.
1121
00:44:02,848 --> 00:44:04,016
Are you from Indiana?
1122
00:44:04,099 --> 00:44:07,061
Oh, no. [LAUGHS]
1123
00:44:07,144 --> 00:44:08,479
[KIMMY] Oh, my God, you're
1124
00:44:08,560 --> 00:44:10,079
- Jack Straightman?
- Ronald Wil... Titus...
1125
00:44:10,080 --> 00:44:11,230
Jack Straightman.
1126
00:44:11,231 --> 00:44:13,567
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY] Yeah.
1127
00:44:13,651 --> 00:44:14,693
Wow.
1128
00:44:14,777 --> 00:44:16,612
The closest I've ever been
to meeting a movie star
1129
00:44:16,695 --> 00:44:19,323
was when Tara Reid drowned
at a water park in my town.
1130
00:44:19,406 --> 00:44:21,283
1131
00:44:21,367 --> 00:44:23,243
Can I buy you dinner?
1132
00:44:23,327 --> 00:44:26,372
1133
00:44:26,455 --> 00:44:29,249
Did Cosmetology make my
dreams come true overnight?
1134
00:44:29,333 --> 00:44:31,377
- [CLASSY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
- [CHUCKLING] Of course not.
1135
00:44:31,460 --> 00:44:34,296
There were even times I
considered leaving the church,
1136
00:44:34,380 --> 00:44:37,299
but then one day, after being
pushed out of a helicopter,
1137
00:44:37,383 --> 00:44:39,259
I crashed through the
roof and into the trailer
1138
00:44:39,343 --> 00:44:41,136
of a well-known Cosmetology puppet.
1139
00:44:41,720 --> 00:44:43,180
- Mr. Frumpus?
- Shh.
1140
00:44:43,263 --> 00:44:44,890
[WHISPERING] I can't say.
1141
00:44:44,973 --> 00:44:48,060
But in exchange for not talking
about the things I saw in there...
1142
00:44:48,143 --> 00:44:49,144
[INHALES DEEPLY]
1143
00:44:49,228 --> 00:44:51,855
... I was given a part in one
of the church music videos.
1144
00:44:51,939 --> 00:44:53,524
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
-
All hail Gretchen
1145
00:44:53,607 --> 00:44:55,567
The Founder died
1146
00:44:55,651 --> 00:44:57,277
Of natural causes
1147
00:44:57,361 --> 00:44:59,571
-
Of natural causes
- [TITUS, POWERFULLY]
Of natural causes
1148
00:44:59,655 --> 00:45:01,198
Hey, everybody, look
1149
00:45:01,281 --> 00:45:03,283
There's Gretchen's husband, Shelley
1150
00:45:03,367 --> 00:45:05,244
Shelley Chalker is alive
1151
00:45:05,327 --> 00:45:07,704
Shelley Chalker is alive
1152
00:45:07,788 --> 00:45:09,706
-
All hail Gretchen
- [TITUS SOBS]
1153
00:45:09,790 --> 00:45:11,708
-
Hail Gretchen
- [TITUS, TEARFULLY]
Hail
1154
00:45:11,792 --> 00:45:15,504
-
Hail Gretchen
- [TITUS BELTING]
Hail Gretchen
1155
00:45:15,587 --> 00:45:19,550
After that, one thing led to
another, and here I am. [LAUGHS]
1156
00:45:19,633 --> 00:45:23,595
All because I willed it, using
the power of Cosmetology.
1157
00:45:24,304 --> 00:45:25,889
The only thing stopping you
1158
00:45:25,973 --> 00:45:28,892
from actualating your own potentiality
1159
00:45:28,976 --> 00:45:33,105
is the sun using the moon to
bounce aliens into your brain.
1160
00:45:33,689 --> 00:45:34,940
So it's not my fault.
1161
00:45:35,023 --> 00:45:36,316
Nothing is!
1162
00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:39,361
Except when you succeed. Then
that's 'cause you're amazing.
1163
00:45:39,445 --> 00:45:40,446
With enough money,
1164
00:45:40,529 --> 00:45:43,574
Cosmetology can kill
all aliens on contact.
1165
00:45:43,657 --> 00:45:45,284
This is amazing!
1166
00:45:45,367 --> 00:45:46,910
What are the chances
that I would meet you?
1167
00:45:46,930 --> 00:45:47,940
[CHUCKLES]
1168
00:45:47,995 --> 00:45:50,038
A hundred and fifty thousand percent.
1169
00:45:50,122 --> 00:45:52,207
[LAUGHS] Mm.
1170
00:45:53,292 --> 00:45:56,336
I, uh... I actualated this meeting...
1171
00:45:56,420 --> 00:45:59,089
[INHALES] because I need
something too, Kimberly.
1172
00:46:01,008 --> 00:46:02,008
A wife.
1173
00:46:04,052 --> 00:46:06,430
Are you asking me to marry you?
1174
00:46:06,513 --> 00:46:09,892
1175
00:46:09,975 --> 00:46:12,186
- [GASPS]
- We can do it tonight
1176
00:46:12,269 --> 00:46:14,563
in the most romantic place on Earth:
1177
00:46:14,646 --> 00:46:16,732
downtown Clearwater, Florida.
1178
00:46:17,524 --> 00:46:20,235
You don't question why the
universe gives you what you need.
1179
00:46:20,319 --> 00:46:21,695
You take it 'cause you deserve it.
1180
00:46:21,778 --> 00:46:23,238
But we just met.
1181
00:46:23,322 --> 00:46:26,366
And Delta has another flight to
London in less than three weeks.
1182
00:46:26,450 --> 00:46:27,826
You'll be rich, baby.
1183
00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:30,037
You can fly to London anytime you want.
1184
00:46:30,871 --> 00:46:32,623
I'd be Mrs. Jack Straightman.
1185
00:46:33,790 --> 00:46:35,430
Could I still get a
really short haircut?
1186
00:46:36,126 --> 00:46:37,127
I'd like that.
1187
00:46:38,879 --> 00:46:41,965
This is all happening because
I chose to get on that plane.
1188
00:46:42,049 --> 00:46:43,509
I-I did it.
1189
00:46:43,592 --> 00:46:44,927
I did this.
1190
00:46:45,010 --> 00:46:46,760
Yes, Jack!
1191
00:46:46,800 --> 00:46:47,820
I'll marry you!
1192
00:46:47,888 --> 00:46:51,266
[LAUGHS WARMLY]
1193
00:46:51,350 --> 00:46:52,976
- Ah.
- [LAUGHS BREATHLESSLY]
1194
00:46:53,060 --> 00:46:56,313
[SMOOCHING QUICKLY]
1195
00:46:56,396 --> 00:46:58,065
[LAUGHS]
1196
00:46:58,148 --> 00:46:59,191
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
1197
00:46:59,274 --> 00:47:01,068
I'm gonna get us that money, Jackie,
1198
00:47:01,151 --> 00:47:02,778
because I got a plan, and I...
1199
00:47:04,530 --> 00:47:05,948
I can't do this.
1200
00:47:06,031 --> 00:47:07,741
Because I love Jack.
1201
00:47:08,575 --> 00:47:10,327
... ie. Politano.
1202
00:47:10,410 --> 00:47:11,410
That's your name.
1203
00:47:11,870 --> 00:47:13,997
Oh, for God's sakes. I knew you'd fail.
1204
00:47:14,581 --> 00:47:16,458
If we don't move out,
they're gonna kill us.
1205
00:47:16,542 --> 00:47:19,253
But I got the ticket to our new life.
1206
00:47:19,900 --> 00:47:20,963
Right here.
1207
00:47:21,046 --> 00:47:22,172
You're gonna call Amtrak!
1208
00:47:22,256 --> 00:47:23,382
Jesus, no.
1209
00:47:23,465 --> 00:47:26,677
I was leaving you a message
earlier, and Lillian came in,
1210
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:28,804
and I never hung up!
1211
00:47:31,014 --> 00:47:36,186
[SLOWLY] I recorded Lillian
threatening to kill us!
1212
00:47:36,270 --> 00:47:37,729
We give this to the feds,
1213
00:47:37,813 --> 00:47:40,232
and we can go into witness protection.
1214
00:47:40,315 --> 00:47:41,984
We'll get a new house
1215
00:47:42,067 --> 00:47:43,193
in a new city,
1216
00:47:43,277 --> 00:47:45,904
even a new name!
1217
00:47:45,988 --> 00:47:47,781
[TEARFULLY] We could start over.
1218
00:47:47,864 --> 00:47:50,617
So I'm gonna have to
come up with a new name.
1219
00:47:52,578 --> 00:47:54,079
Row...
1220
00:47:54,162 --> 00:47:55,497
nun...
1221
00:47:55,581 --> 00:47:57,457
Fair...
1222
00:47:57,541 --> 00:47:58,625
row.
1223
00:47:58,709 --> 00:48:00,294
Ronan Farrow.
1224
00:48:00,377 --> 00:48:03,171
- [TRADITIONAL ITALIAN MUSIC]
- [WHISPERING] Yeah.
1225
00:48:03,255 --> 00:48:05,465
- [DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
- Hey, first chance I get,
1226
00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:09,553
I'm gonna hide a icicle in my butt
and stab you in the eye with it!
1227
00:48:10,512 --> 00:48:11,555
[GRUNTS]
1228
00:48:12,139 --> 00:48:16,059
Oh, unrelated: could I get
a job in the kitchen?
1229
00:48:17,394 --> 00:48:19,229
[SIGHS]
1230
00:48:20,772 --> 00:48:21,772
Bobby?
1231
00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:25,027
Bobby Durst?
1232
00:48:26,111 --> 00:48:29,281
No, uh, I'm his sister, Robertina Durst.
1233
00:48:29,364 --> 00:48:30,616
[PURPOSEFULLY] And I'm mute.
1234
00:48:30,699 --> 00:48:33,285
My sweet Bobby. Oh!
1235
00:48:33,368 --> 00:48:35,495
After all these years.
1236
00:48:36,747 --> 00:48:38,040
[EXHALES]
1237
00:48:38,123 --> 00:48:39,499
I made wine in the toilet.
1238
00:48:39,583 --> 00:48:40,959
[LILLIAN] Ohh.
1239
00:48:41,043 --> 00:48:42,377
[HOPEFUL MUSIC]
1240
00:48:42,461 --> 00:48:45,255
Prison's gonna be fun.
1241
00:48:45,339 --> 00:48:51,094
1242
00:48:51,178 --> 00:48:53,805
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
1243
00:48:53,889 --> 00:48:55,807
[JACQUELINE EXHALES]
1244
00:48:55,891 --> 00:49:01,396
1245
00:49:01,480 --> 00:49:04,441
Welcome to your new
hometown, Mr. and Mrs....
1246
00:49:04,480 --> 00:49:05,500
Buttfudge.
1247
00:49:05,525 --> 00:49:07,194
Why does that have to be our name?
1248
00:49:07,277 --> 00:49:08,737
You ready to see your house?
1249
00:49:08,820 --> 00:49:11,281
We seized it from some creep
who kept women in a bunker.
1250
00:49:13,700 --> 00:49:16,495
- I'm gay!
- You think I don't know that?
1251
00:49:16,578 --> 00:49:20,374
1252
00:49:20,457 --> 00:49:22,042
[KIMMY GASPS]
1253
00:49:22,125 --> 00:49:24,544
I can't believe I finally
got to see London.
1254
00:49:24,628 --> 00:49:27,047
- What a honeymoon.
- Yes.
1255
00:49:27,130 --> 00:49:30,550
[FLATLY] I loved all the sex
and having it with you.
1256
00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:33,679
Yes, it felt very natural and good,
1257
00:49:33,762 --> 00:49:35,681
the sex that we had.
1258
00:49:37,474 --> 00:49:40,268
See? Our lives are amazing
1259
00:49:40,352 --> 00:49:42,062
because we made them that way.
1260
00:49:42,145 --> 00:49:44,064
We control our own destinies.
1261
00:49:44,147 --> 00:49:46,817
Hiyah!
1262
00:49:46,900 --> 00:49:47,900
Yeah, we do.
1263
00:49:52,050 --> 00:49:53,156
[KIMMY SIGHS]
1264
00:49:53,240 --> 00:49:54,700
- [GLASSES CLINK]
- Evenin', folks.
1265
00:49:54,783 --> 00:49:56,993
I just need to get inside
to update the router.
1266
00:49:57,077 --> 00:50:01,790
The company wants to give you a whole
bunch of new channels for free!
1267
00:50:03,250 --> 00:50:04,459
I could get used to this.
1268
00:50:04,543 --> 00:50:06,378
Oh, wait. I already am.
1269
00:50:06,461 --> 00:50:10,132
Champagne, free channels...
we deserve this!
1270
00:50:10,215 --> 00:50:12,342
[GLASSES CLINK]
1271
00:50:12,426 --> 00:50:13,719
Yes.
1272
00:50:15,971 --> 00:50:17,305
Yes, you do.
1273
00:50:17,389 --> 00:50:19,599
[EERIE PULSING MUSIC]
1274
00:50:19,683 --> 00:50:21,852
[BRIGHT SHIMMERING TONES
AND DISTORTED MUSIC]
1275
00:50:22,644 --> 00:50:24,604
Pajama mode activated.
1276
00:50:24,688 --> 00:50:26,356
Let's watching some Sliding Ds.
1277
00:50:27,023 --> 00:50:28,233
[AS NANCY SINATRA] Are you ready, doors?
1278
00:50:28,316 --> 00:50:29,359
Start slidin'.
1279
00:50:29,443 --> 00:50:31,278
- [KIMMY] Ooh!
- [TITUS LAUGHS]
1280
00:50:31,361 --> 00:50:32,571
[PLEASANT MUSIC]
1281
00:50:32,654 --> 00:50:33,655
Hey,
1282
00:50:33,739 --> 00:50:36,366
do you ever wonder how your
life might've been different
1283
00:50:36,450 --> 00:50:38,201
if you'd never gotten in that van?
1284
00:50:38,285 --> 00:50:40,203
I mean, just one little moment,
1285
00:50:40,287 --> 00:50:41,621
- if you...
- No.
1286
00:50:41,705 --> 00:50:42,706
There's no point.
1287
00:50:43,790 --> 00:50:46,001
I've been through a
lot of terrible stuff
1288
00:50:46,084 --> 00:50:47,794
that I wish had never happened.
1289
00:50:48,962 --> 00:50:51,506
But I still have to believe that
this is where I'm meant to be,
1290
00:50:51,590 --> 00:50:53,800
because if I didn't...
1291
00:50:55,010 --> 00:50:57,053
... I'd go crazy.
1292
00:50:59,514 --> 00:51:01,600
[EXHALES SLOWLY]
1293
00:51:05,562 --> 00:51:08,398
[CHEERY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
1294
00:51:08,482 --> 00:51:10,025
[ANNOUNCER] Mind the gap.
1295
00:51:10,108 --> 00:51:12,068
[GWYNETH PALTROW WITH ENGLISH
ACCENT] Hold that sliding door!
1296
00:51:12,152 --> 00:51:14,946
Ugh, bloody wanker! The door slid!
1297
00:51:15,030 --> 00:51:16,990
Nice accent, Goopy.
1298
00:51:17,073 --> 00:51:19,075
What part of Canada are you
supposed to be from, exactly?
1299
00:51:19,159 --> 00:51:21,077
[LAUGHS]
1300
00:51:21,160 --> 00:51:27,879
1301
00:51:27,880 --> 00:51:30,200
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
1302
00:51:30,212 --> 00:51:31,797
- [UPBEAT MUSIC]
- [CHORUS]
All hail Gretchen
1303
00:51:31,880 --> 00:51:33,840
The Founder died
1304
00:51:33,924 --> 00:51:35,842
Of natural causes
1305
00:51:35,926 --> 00:51:37,844
-
Of natural causes
- [TITUS, POWERFULLY]
Of natural causes
1306
00:51:37,928 --> 00:51:39,471
[CHORUS]
Hey, everybody, look
1307
00:51:39,554 --> 00:51:41,556
There's Gretchen's husband, Shelley
1308
00:51:41,640 --> 00:51:43,517
Shelley Chalker is alive
1309
00:51:43,600 --> 00:51:45,977
Shelley Chalker is alive
1310
00:51:46,061 --> 00:51:47,979
-
All hail Gretchen
- [TITUS SOBS]
1311
00:51:48,063 --> 00:51:49,981
-
Hail Gretchen
- [TITUS, TEARFULLY]
Hail
1312
00:51:50,065 --> 00:51:54,110
-
Hail Gretchen
- [TITUS BELTING]
Hail Gretchen
1313
00:53:02,804 --> 00:53:04,723
- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!
1314
00:53:04,773 --> 00:53:09,323
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