Original subtitles

[ Medieval music plays ]

Man: [ Laughs ]

Ah? Yeah!

Yee! Ha ha.

We declare this wizard to be boring me.

Yes, Amo-Thedious was better.

[ Grumbles ]

[ Electricity crackles ]

[ Council members screaming ]

[ Laughs evilly ]

Lord Festus!

I am the magical projection of Lord Festus!

Lord Festus! [ Gasps ]

[ Laughs ]

Who will save us from this heathen's head?!

♪♪

Man 2: [ Thinking ] Dear journal, you know me

as the heroic master of questful combat,

friend to the very stakes of the world.

I know me as Tigtone!

Tigtone, you finish exterminating

those basement slime captains yet?

I was just getting to that.

I was just getting to that!

Remember, Tigtone,

slime captains hate magic marbles,

and you have some.

Yes!

[ Slime captains screaming, squeaking ]

Now, give me another quest, barteener,

or better yet, another quest!

Ha ha! Now that looks like another quest!

Hup! Ho! Ho!

♪♪

[ Laughing evilly ]

Well, anyway -- Aah! --

looky what I been doing.

Ow. Queen: Amo-Thedious!

[ Grunts ]

Our beloved former wizard!

But we thought he quit this kingdom years ago!

No, I just plain captured him

and been torturing him to death this whole time.

But we had to hire a lesser wizard to replace him.

Uh, what?!

This wizard's all tortured out,

so you can have your magic man back

if you trade me for your son, Prince Lavender,

to torture to death instead.

Send the prince to the real me

or I will destroy the Kingdom of Propecia.

You have three whole days and no choice.

[ Electricity crackles ] [ Laughs evilly ]

We must do as the vulgar head commands.

But you have a new wizard now -- me, Tanquebbit, the wizard.

[ Scoffs ] A rebound wizard.

[ Laughter ]

I don't have time to get tortured to death

because I'm going to the Minotaur brothel later.

[ Laughs haughtily ]

He said we have no choice.

It will be a manful death, my son.

[ Council members chanting "Manful!" ]

Who here shall escort Prince Lavender to his doom?

I.

Whoo! [ Grunts ]

Queen: Tigtone!

The legendary adventurer with impeccable timing.

That's right!

Tigtone!

[ Council gasps ]

My quest lines are open.

Will you deliver the prince to his torture

and return our beloved better wizard?

-I already am. -[ Gasps ]

That settles it -- Tigtone will do that.

Mathis, clean up these dead trolls

while we sing Tigtone's praises!

[ Council members chanting "Singing!" ]

[ Grumbling ]

[ Chanting continues ] [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Heroic music plays ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Horse whinnies ] Oh, no!

Well, we can't go on with a dead horse.

Guess I'll just be -- [ Grunts ]

I will complete this quest, alive or dead horse.

[ Grunting ]

I want my MommyDaddy! [ Sobbing loudly ]

With Prince Lavender off

being tortured to death by Lord Festus,

the castle seems so empty.

Maybe we should have another baby.

You read our minds.

Mmm.

[ Door opens ] Ooh!

[ Slurred ] I'm a good wizard!

[ Zap! ]

You don't need Amo-Thedious back.

Gods damn it!

Mathis, throw Tanquebbit out of Propecia forever!

[ Cries ]

Why does he get to be in here?

I serve the KingQueen day and night, awake, asleep.

Yes, yes, yes, Mathis.

Hurry that up and get back in you night chair!

[ Mathis grunts ] Aah!

Ba-shing!

[ KingQueen moaning ]

[ Sobs quietly ]

Banished?!

Me, Tanquebbit, the wizard of Propecia?!

I could stop Tigtone.

Lord Festus will destroy Propecia.

They'll never get their precious Amo-Thedious back!

Then, poof, I'll appear and rebuild Propecia with magic!

They'll have no choice but to love me

as their greatest wizard ever!

Shi-shish-shish-sha!

Oh! [ Laughing ]

Ooh, that will slow this pesky Tigtone down a peg.

Or two! [ Laughs ]

This most broken of bridges

stands between me and Lord Festus, as well.

Well, I guess we better turn all the way around then.

[ Grunts ]

I can repair the bridge over Sporanox River,

but I lost my tools in the eternal forest of Onmel.

Find them!

[ Quietly ] No one has ever

come out of that eternal forest alive!

Soon, I --

Aaaaah!

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

[ Gothic choir sings ]

Thank you, Tigtone.

I am the bridgesmither!

Hyah!

[ Grumbles ] Hyah, shi-shish-shish-sha!

Hammer, no!

[ Water splashes ]

[ Groans ]

I suddenly hunger with weakness.

I've eaten all the horse meat off this bone cage,

and I'm still starving!

Starvation has plagued our land ever since

the forest burned down.

The only food left in this zone

lies deep within the Temple of Mylotarg.

Then our stomachs' destinies shall be fruitfulfilled!

Watch my captive until my return!

No.

[ Laughs ] What luck!

With Tigtone side-questing,

I can lure the prince away the only way I know how.

Aah!

[ Giggles coquettishly ]

Hello!

What else can that tongue of yours unlock, I wonder?

Tigtone: Great Mummy Lord of Mylotarg, I come for food!

Then solve the possible puzzle of statues,

and you shall have access to my smokehouse of meats and cheeses.

Arrange the statues, Tigto--

[ All munching loudly ]

The prince!

[ Slurps ]

Price Lavender: Yes, yes, yes!

Licks of the Minotaur!

All I've ever wanted!

Oh, yes! Oh!

Now, without the prince,

Lord Festus will destroy Propecia.

tongue?

Nothing! Nothing.

[ Weakly ] Ow. Ow.

Ohh, where is that prince?!

Ha! Time's up.

Prepare my army!

Induce the birthing trolls!

[ Trolls screeching ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Oh! Never before have I failed a quest!

My inventory -- useless!

Ah, these magic marbles,

this boomerang, this oracle potion.

Aah!

[ Glass shatters ]

Am I not Tigtone?!

Woman: Tigtone.

[ Chuckles ] be Tigtone.

I'm Twiddlor'ah, Oracle of Mount Actified.

The prince in which you seek

lies merely on the other side of this mountain.

'Tis a nightmarish climb

patrolled by at least five demons!

Ho! [ Grunts ]

What are you doing?!

Every ancient mountain has a shortcut through the sewer.

[ Grunts ]

[ Gasps ]

♪♪

Oh, ha ha! Ba-ba-ba-ba-loo!

[ Grunts ]

[ Roaring ]

[ Laughs ]

Tigtone has failed his quest. Now who will save us now?!

[ Sobs ] I'm crying!

[ Growling ]

Remember, Tigtone, you have the power to control animals,

but you may only use this power once every five years,

and it has been five years, Tigtone!

Yes!

Five years!

Aah!

How did you find me?!

You're not the first prince I've dragged

out of a Minotaur brothel!

[ Grunts ]

[ Groans ]

Tanquebbit?! [ Retches ] Oh. Oh!

[ Sobbing loudly ]

[ Laughs ]

Ah! Prince Lavender, you made it.

I completed my quest!

Return Amo-Thedious,

and call off your attack on Propecia!

No way. You're late.

What if I give you this rebound wizard?

I do have two whipping arms.

Aaaaah!

[ Heroic music plays ]

Our beloved Amo-Thedious!

We will never replace you

with a cut-rate rebound wizard ever again!

[ Gasps ]

I said no portals!

Aaaaaaah!

This is everything I hoped for and twice more!

[ Laughing ]

Tigtone, thanks to you, we were able to see

our beloved Amo-Thedious once more

before his untimely stabbing!

[ Council shouting "Stabbing!" ]

To that end, we have another quest for you!

Is the world at stake?!

Indeed, 'tis.

Give Amo-Thedious a proper burial.

the fate of the world?

He meant the world to us.

Well, if I am to give him a proper burial,

then I'll give him the most proper burial

of all time!

[ Grunts ]

Dear journal,

another quest has fallen beneath my conquorship.

[ Munching ]

Yet, infinite quests still remain

throughout this land and the surrounding universe.

[ Grunts ]

I am conviction,

adventurepreneur, this face!

For I have one of these things in common,

and my name is...

...Tigtone!

[ Dramatic music plays, thunder rumbles ]

[ Eerie music plays ]

[ Screeches ]

Chirp.

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