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1
00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:00,480
Ah, the day seems slow,
but the years go fast
2
00:00:00,480 --> 00:00:02,160
.
3
00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:03,880
One, two
4
00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:07,080
Ah, the day seems slow,
but the years go fast
5
00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:09,800
Could you please pour
another drink in my glass?
6
00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:11,560
I think I need a drink tonight
7
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:13,680
If only the landlord
could fix it right
8
00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:15,680
Why's he looking so reluctant?
9
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,640
Like he doesn't want the custom?
10
00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:19,520
Why do you run a pub, then?
11
00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:21,840
I need time away,
but I never go far
12
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:24,320
Best friends are these guys here
propping up the bar
13
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:27,120
Working for the family I love,
but the day's been long
14
00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:29,760
Could you please pour me
another drink, Rom?
15
00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,480
If only the landlord
could fix it right
16
00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:41,600
I don't want
to go and live at Nana's house.
17
00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:44,440
She makes us eat lentils every day.
18
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:46,400
Yeah, and they make your mum gassy.
19
00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:49,480
It won't be for long,
like we're visiting.
20
00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:51,480
Then why do we have
to take all our stuff?
21
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:53,080
Because...
22
00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:56,160
once we've finished visiting
Grandma, we're gonna be moving into
23
00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:58,640
an amazing new place
that your dad's gonna sort out.
24
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,640
I actually wonder if it might be
cheaper just to buy a plot of land,
25
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,560
and then build
something from scratch.
26
00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:06,280
Who's gonna build it?
I can build stuff.
27
00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:08,800
I built that table.
It took you a whole day,
28
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:10,640
and one of the legs
faces the wrong way.
29
00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:13,880
The instructions weren't clear.
The pictures were all misleading.
30
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:17,560
We're not building a new house,
and I want to be out of your mum's by next week.
31
00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:19,920
Hello. Jamesie!
32
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,800
Hello, mate!
Yeah, no, thanks for calling back.
33
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:26,120
I was actually calling to see
if you've got any jobs going.
34
00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:30,960
Yeah... Well, I realised I prefer
working over there with you idiots!
35
00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,520
Right, OK. Well, let me know
if anything comes up, won't you?
36
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:40,880
We're doing something here tonight,
actually, if you're interested.
37
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,640
A little bit of a send-off.
38
00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:46,720
It's our last night at the pub,
so we're doing a kind of open-mike night type thing.
39
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,760
Right, yeah.
40
00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:51,160
No, of course. Of course, mate.
I get it.
41
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:52,880
All right, nice one.
42
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:54,720
See you later, Jamesie.
43
00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:56,320
I hate that guy.
44
00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:59,320
Surely you don't want
to go back into...
45
00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:00,680
What did you even do?
46
00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:03,680
Pensions analyst.
It's an easy job, isn't it?
47
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:05,760
You hated it.
You're supposed to hate work.
48
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,560
It gives you something to talk about
with your colleagues.
49
00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:10,200
So find a new place
to hate working in.
50
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:14,040
I was gonna shoot the mix tape
over to a couple of labels, so you never know.
51
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:18,920
Speaking of lost causes, I'm gonna
get some people in the office to look over the brewery contract.
52
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:21,360
There must be something
they can pull 'em up on.
53
00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:23,760
I'll leave you guys
in charge of that side of things.
54
00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:26,320
You concentrate on
taking over the music industry.
55
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,120
Well, I could do both -
lay down a little disc track
56
00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:32,080
about the brewery
unfairly pulling the licence.
57
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,920
Five percent of you is actually
hoping I take you up on that.
58
00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:37,680
Oh, it is much higher than 5%.
Hmm...
59
00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:39,720
This is the last time
60
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,000
I don't blame you.
Why are you saying that?
61
00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,520
I wasn't even thinking that.
What were you thinking?
62
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:49,440
I was actually wondering
how much Deliveroo drivers get paid.
63
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,360
They get to be their own boss,
don't they?
64
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,840
I've got a friend
who runs a food stall.
65
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:56,640
Maybe he could get you a few shifts.
Er, what food is it?
66
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,400
Wraps.
67
00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:01,360
No, I don't like wraps.
They're pretentious.
68
00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:03,120
How are wraps pretentious?
69
00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:04,880
They are a bit pretentious.
70
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,520
Have a bloody sandwich!
71
00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:08,240
All right, well, go to Greggs, then.
72
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:11,200
The only jobs you're good at
are blow jobs probably!
73
00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:15,200
Have you been sat here the whole time
trying to think of that?!
74
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:18,200
You don't know you're good at them
till you start giving them out.
75
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:21,320
Stop talking about me giving blow
jobs! Times aren't that hard yet.
76
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:24,120
How's Natasha? Is she annoyed
about you having to move out?
77
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:26,000
Er, yes. That is fair to say.
78
00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:27,880
I also overheard her earlier
79
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:30,600
explaining to the kids
that Daddy's not a failure.
80
00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:32,640
So she's having a great time.
81
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,640
And hand jobs as well,
probably good at that.
82
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,560
You're literally two conversations
behind, aren't you, mate?
83
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,480
Steve,
you've not been here for months.
84
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,400
Are you here
to gloat that we're closing?
85
00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:45,520
No, mate. I'm here to support.
I'm gonna do a comedy set later.
86
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:47,640
Why? Out of your mates,
you're the funny one,
87
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,960
cos you get the most drunk and make
the biggest twat out of yourself.
88
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:53,720
You're not actually funny.
We'll see tonight, won't we?
89
00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:55,520
You should do a stand-up set
as well,
90
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:57,440
and we'll see
who gets the most laughs.
91
00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:59,240
I'm not a stand-up, I'm a musician.
92
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:02,240
Stand-up is for people who love
the sound of their own voice.
93
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,160
Better than
the sound of your shit music.
94
00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:06,240
I'm not doing my music.
It's the wrong crowd.
95
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,840
You should perform your music.
The regulars'd love it.
96
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,440
No, I need to get on with
the job hunt, plus I don't know
97
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,960
how many of the regulars
are into old-school hip hop.
98
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:15,840
Is anyone into that any more?
99
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:17,640
I always preferred
East Coast boom bap
100
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:20,440
to all the mumble rap
everyone's doing these days.
101
00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:23,400
Rim jobs -
102
00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:25,760
that's a job he could get! (CACKLES)
103
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:29,120
How is that even an insult? You're
just saying I could get a rim job!
104
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:30,440
(WHEEZY LAUGH)
105
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:32,480
You're an idiot.
106
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,880
Aw, thanks for letting us stay.
107
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,720
It won't be for long, honestly.
108
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,280
Darling, you can stay here
for as long as you want.
109
00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:48,080
I know it's very hard for you.
Romesh has ruined your life.
110
00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:51,640
It'll take you a few months, maybe
a year, to find the right place.
111
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,360
No, no, no...er...
112
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,920
we're gonna find somewhere
pretty quickly, I think.
113
00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:57,640
Yeah, Rom's looking into it.
114
00:04:57,760 --> 00:04:59,360
Romesh is not capable.
115
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:01,760
Don't worry.
I will look after the family now.
116
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:04,200
I've bought
lots of lentils and potatoes. Oh...
117
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:07,280
It's a little trick now that
you're falling on the hard times.
118
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,280
(POLITE LAUGH) Thank you.
119
00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:20,520
We don't need to unpack everything.
120
00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:22,800
Oh, these are very nice pans.
121
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,040
I think actually
YOU bought them for us.
122
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,760
Ah, that explains it.
I've got very good taste!
123
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,720
Erm, listen, maybe
we should just leave them in there.
124
00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:35,160
Otherwise they might get mixed up
with your stuff, and then, well...
125
00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:36,960
(SOBS)
126
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:38,720
I feel like I'm let down.
127
00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:41,040
No, you're not let down.
128
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,560
No, I'VE been let down
by you and Romesh.
129
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:44,920
Oh, right.
130
00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,080
And now it's up to me
to make it all better.
131
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:48,920
Don't worry.
132
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:50,600
I'm here.
133
00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:52,640
I just have to be strong.
134
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:56,040
Yeah...
135
00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:58,080
We all do.
136
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,960
ELECTRO BEATS
137
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:05,960
(MUSIC OFF)
138
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:08,560
Your mum is losing her mind.
139
00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:10,280
We cannot stay there.
140
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,240
What are you doing?
141
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:14,400
Looking through
these bloody job pages.
142
00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:16,440
Can you come and help me, please?
143
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:18,240
Yes, OK.
144
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:20,280
And pack all that crap up as well.
145
00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:22,800
I was going to leave the studio out
for a little bit.
146
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:24,680
Erm...
147
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:28,200
do you think
it might be nice for the locals
148
00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:29,920
if I did a little thing tonight?
149
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:32,720
Tottenham Steve's doing comedy.
I can't be worse than him.
150
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:35,400
Do your Chris Eubank impression.
That's really funny.
151
00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:38,640
No, I'm not doing comedy.
Are you sure about that?
152
00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:41,440
With your little button pad?
153
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,840
It's called an MPC,
and it's what Kanye West uses.
154
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,000
He also uses antidepressants,
which is what I'm gonna need
155
00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:49,560
if you don't find us a place
to live away from your mum.
156
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:51,520
(SIGHS)
157
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:57,680
Do you have any small towels?
Probably, but I don't know where.
158
00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,480
And nail clippers - do you have?
159
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:01,480
This isn't a car-boot sale.
160
00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:04,800
If you're gonna stay in my house,
you'll have to contribute.
161
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,880
Mum, I'm not sharing nail clippers
with you.
162
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,600
It's rank and weird.
163
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:11,560
Oh, God...
164
00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:13,200
Mm...
165
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:15,960
They look like they've dissolved.
166
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:17,680
Where are WE sleeping?
167
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,720
Through there.
168
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,200
Wow!
169
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:28,240
Less than a week, I promise.
170
00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:33,720
Two, two!
171
00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:35,200
(GRUNTS)
172
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,040
Feeling all right, mate?
173
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,320
Yes!
174
00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:42,840
I've been thinking that tonight
you'll be pouring your last ever pint.
175
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,920
Er, I'm not gonna die tonight.
176
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:46,600
Die on stage probably!
177
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:49,440
The only person dying on stage
tonight is YOU...
178
00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:51,840
and potentially Colin.
179
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,200
You got your notes
tattooed onto your palm?
180
00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:55,920
I don't need notes, mate.
181
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,160
I've memorised my entire set.
Even better,
182
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,920
cos you relying on your brain power
is exactly what I want.
183
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:04,040
What are you relying on? A backing
CD that you can mime along to?
184
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,360
I'm not rapping
and I'm definitely not miming.
185
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,120
I'll be relying on years
of honing my craft as a producer.
186
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,840
Honing your craft
watching Pornhub more like!
187
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:13,280
(WHEEZY LAUGH)
188
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,240
Jesus Christ!
189
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,680
Oh, Julie, can I have a quick word?
Mm-hm.
190
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:23,000
Look, Julie, I just wanted you to
know that none of this is your fault.
191
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,480
I know.
I know you're gonna say that,
192
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,400
but it really isn't.
No, I really know.
193
00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:30,120
You don't have to worry about me,
Rom.
194
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:32,280
You don't even have a fixed address.
(SIGHS)
195
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,240
Look, let's just have
a great last night,
196
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:35,960
get off our faces,
go out with a bang.
197
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:37,640
That sounds like a great idea.
198
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,320
Might also help me settle
the old pre-match nerves.
199
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:43,320
You're gonna do some of your music?
Well, you said I should.
200
00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:45,800
Yeah, but I didn't think
you'd do it, though.
201
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,920
I think
some people are gonna be surprised.
202
00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:49,800
It's not a little hobby for me.
203
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,600
I've been working on this
for quite a while, so...
204
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:54,920
I've been going on Tinder dates
for quite a while.
205
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,440
Doesn't mean I'm any good at it.
No, that actually...
206
00:08:57,560 --> 00:08:59,480
implies that you're quite bad at it.
207
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,560
(ROMANTIC POP MUSIC PLAYS)
208
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:08,440
You raise me up
209
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:12,960
So I can stand on mountains
210
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:16,440
You raise me up
211
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:20,120
To walk on stormy seas
212
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,640
I am strong
213
00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:28,360
When I am on your shoulders
214
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,280
You raise me up
215
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:36,880
To more than I can be...
216
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,840
(CHEERING)
217
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:41,200
Let him finish!
218
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:44,000
Be-eeeee!
219
00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:47,400
(CHEERING)
220
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,000
What a voice!
221
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:52,960
And next up we have Romesh,
222
00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:54,920
a man who needs no introduction.
223
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,880
I'm gonna give him one anyway!
224
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:00,760
I still remember the first night
Rom was the landlord here.
225
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:04,000
I'd just got back
from The Big Chill festival,
226
00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:05,920
and it's fair to say
I was feeling...
227
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,840
rather fragile.
228
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:11,480
I was in a dark place,
I was staring into the fire,
229
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:14,160
and there were these two woodlice.
230
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,960
There were flames all around.
231
00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:18,240
I remember finally
232
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:21,360
they locked onto each other
and they...
233
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,160
..rolled off into the flames...
234
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:25,880
together.
235
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:28,240
I guess the reason why
I'm telling you this story
236
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,720
is that sometimes life can feel
237
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:33,440
a little bit helpless,
238
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,800
but as long as
you've got friendship,
239
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,720
then it will be OK.
240
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,560
Didn't they both
perish in the flames?
241
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:42,280
Yeah, they did?
242
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:45,000
But together, so it wasn't that bad.
243
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,120
Isn't that what this pub is about?
244
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,080
You know,
being there for each other,
245
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:51,160
no matter how bad it is...
246
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:53,480
and friends that you will die for.
247
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:54,880
(Jesus!)
248
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,920
(COUGHING)
249
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:00,560
So, ladies and gentlemen,
250
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:03,000
my best friend and your landlord...
251
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,720
put your hands together for Romesh!
252
00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:07,280
(CHEERING)
253
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,960
(APPLAUSE)
254
00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:10,600
Thank you.
255
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,720
What an incredibly
dark and horrific introduction.
256
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,520
Do your Chris Eubank impression!
257
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:17,560
I'm not actually doing comedy.
258
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,760
I'm here to do music, actually.
Hip hop.
259
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:22,400
Do Gold Digger!
I'm not gonna do Gold Digger.
260
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:26,080
This is something that I've been
working on for quite a while now,
261
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,120
and I... I hope you enjoy it.
262
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,720
(RUSTLING)
263
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,360
What? Huh!
264
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:38,640
What-what? Huh!
265
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:39,880
What? Huh!
266
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,120
What? Whoo! Huh!
267
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:42,520
What? Huh!
268
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:43,880
What-what? Huh!
269
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:45,200
What? Huh!
270
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:46,360
What? Whoo! Yeah!
271
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:47,520
What? Huh!
272
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:48,640
What-what? Huh!
273
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:51,360
What? Huh!
(Oh, my God, is this it?)
274
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:52,560
Yeah! What? Huh!
275
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:53,840
What-what? Huh!
276
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,920
What? Huh!
I think so, yeah.
277
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:57,360
What? Huh!
278
00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:58,720
Yeah! Whoo! Huh!
279
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,120
What? Yeah!
280
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:01,880
What? Whoo!
281
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,120
What-what? Huh!
282
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,240
What? Yeah! What-what? Yeah!
283
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:06,960
What? Whoo!
Shit!
284
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:08,120
What? Huh!
285
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:09,240
What-what? Huh!
286
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:10,400
What? Huh!
287
00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:11,840
What-what? Huh!
288
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,680
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
289
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,680
Anyway, you get the...erm...
290
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:19,480
You get the idea. It goes on like
that for another three minutes or so.
291
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:23,440
So that's it. I guess
I'll just go upstairs and...erm...
292
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,360
add this to the list of
things I'm shit at.
293
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,160
(LAUGHTER)
294
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:29,440
Alongside being a pub landlord
of course!
295
00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:32,040
(LAUGHTER)
296
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,800
I would like to raise a toast
to the pub.
297
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,000
It's our last night here,
and that is sad,
298
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:39,400
but I do not want
our last night here to be sad.
299
00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:42,440
So raise your glasses
to The Seven Swans.
300
00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:44,360
ALL: Hurray!
301
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:47,520
You know what? Fuck it. For one last
time, I am gonna go behind the bar.
302
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:50,080
And you know what?
It's free drinks for everybody.
303
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,120
Yeah. Of course
304
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:53,840
what I mean by 'free drinks' is:
305
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,200
do help yourselves,
and I will deny all knowledge!
306
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,320
(LAUGHTER)
But, seriously, have a good time.
307
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,640
(SILLY VOICE) Thank you so much.
You have been absolutely wonderful.
308
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:03,880
(LAUGHTER)
309
00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:05,600
Romesh!
(CHEERING)
310
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:07,800
There he goes,
311
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,720
but there's still plenty of other...
312
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:12,320
Hello.
Hey!
313
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,200
Loved that Mr Miyagi impression.
314
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,760
You all know what's coming,
don't you?
315
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,000
Your next act of the evening is...
316
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:20,840
Tottenham Steve.
317
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,880
(POLITE APPLAUSE)
318
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,640
Nice one.
319
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:27,680
I tell you what, the only job
Romesh is gonna get after this...
320
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,400
is a hand job!
321
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:31,040
(GIGGLES)
322
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:34,280
I tell you what,
Romesh is the worst landlord.
323
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,520
He thinks a Stella top
324
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,800
is a jumper! (LAUGHS)
325
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,840
Anyway, nice one.
326
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,680
(LAUGHS)
327
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:45,125
Ah...
328
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:48,045
And isn't it ironic
329
00:13:48,165 --> 00:13:49,565
Don't you think?
330
00:13:49,685 --> 00:13:50,885
We all know it. Join in!
331
00:13:51,005 --> 00:13:53,885
It's like rain
332
00:13:54,005 --> 00:13:56,125
On your wedding day
333
00:13:56,245 --> 00:13:59,205
It's a free ride
334
00:13:59,325 --> 00:14:01,445
When you've already paid
335
00:14:01,565 --> 00:14:03,845
It's the good advice
336
00:14:03,965 --> 00:14:05,485
Lee!
337
00:14:05,605 --> 00:14:07,125
That you just didn't take
338
00:14:07,245 --> 00:14:08,565
That's OK...
339
00:14:08,685 --> 00:14:10,325
And who would have thought...
340
00:14:10,485 --> 00:14:13,965
I actually really enjoyed your story
about the woodlice earlier on.
341
00:14:14,125 --> 00:14:16,765
Shall we pour
some of our drinks out for them?
342
00:14:16,885 --> 00:14:19,685
Er, yeah, OK. Just a bit, though,
343
00:14:19,805 --> 00:14:21,725
cos they're only little, aren't they?
344
00:14:21,885 --> 00:14:25,045
You know what's funny is I don't
actually have to clear this up, so...
345
00:14:25,205 --> 00:14:27,045
It's the last night.
Do anything you want.
346
00:14:27,165 --> 00:14:29,085
Let the brewery deal with it.
347
00:14:30,165 --> 00:14:32,125
Do you dare me?
348
00:14:32,245 --> 00:14:34,005
(GLASS SHATTERS)
349
00:14:34,125 --> 00:14:35,685
Mazel tov!
350
00:14:35,805 --> 00:14:37,725
Mazel tov!
351
00:14:39,245 --> 00:14:41,085
Oops!
352
00:14:41,245 --> 00:14:43,285
(CHEERING)
Shit, Lemon.
353
00:14:43,405 --> 00:14:44,605
(LAUGHTER)
354
00:14:44,725 --> 00:14:46,965
Oi! That's Lemon's tankard. Lemon...
355
00:14:47,125 --> 00:14:49,965
Just got your tankard, mate.
My tankard!
356
00:14:50,125 --> 00:14:51,925
Have it!
(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)
357
00:14:52,045 --> 00:14:53,965
(TRIUMPHANT LAUGHTER)
358
00:14:54,085 --> 00:14:56,005
Ooh!
359
00:14:56,165 --> 00:14:59,005
You want it, mate. You want it.
You've got it now, mate.
360
00:14:59,125 --> 00:15:01,525
Now you've got it. Now you've got it.
361
00:15:01,645 --> 00:15:03,885
You son of a bi...
362
00:15:04,005 --> 00:15:05,925
Ha!
363
00:15:10,645 --> 00:15:13,205
(BOTH ROAR)
364
00:15:13,325 --> 00:15:15,085
Come on!
365
00:15:15,205 --> 00:15:17,125
(GLASS SHATTERS)
366
00:15:17,245 --> 00:15:19,685
Now Julie's on the way! Yay!
367
00:15:24,845 --> 00:15:26,525
(CHEERING)
368
00:15:26,645 --> 00:15:28,565
Come on!
369
00:15:32,245 --> 00:15:34,205
(GLASS SHATTERS)
370
00:15:37,445 --> 00:15:39,125
Ohh...
It's all right.
371
00:15:39,245 --> 00:15:41,165
Just hold it up there, OK?
372
00:15:41,285 --> 00:15:43,285
The first-aid box is through here.
373
00:15:43,445 --> 00:15:45,285
It's OK.
Ooh!
374
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,445
It's not deep.
It's all right. There you go.
375
00:15:47,565 --> 00:15:48,845
(GROANS)
376
00:15:49,005 --> 00:15:51,285
Do you know what you're doing?
Yeah, of course.
377
00:15:51,405 --> 00:15:53,005
I'm a paramedic.
378
00:15:53,165 --> 00:15:55,525
I thought you drove a van.
Yeah, I do.
379
00:15:55,685 --> 00:15:58,525
It's an ambulance.
Oh, wow!
380
00:15:58,685 --> 00:16:00,925
Why are your stories
always so boring, then?
381
00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:04,285
I just think I pay too much
attention to every single detail,
382
00:16:04,445 --> 00:16:06,445
which is good
in the medical profession.
383
00:16:06,605 --> 00:16:09,325
Do you know how to make a sling?
You don't need a sling.
384
00:16:09,445 --> 00:16:11,045
I want a sling! Ahh!
385
00:16:13,245 --> 00:16:15,205
(HUBBUB)
386
00:16:16,285 --> 00:16:17,965
Nice one.
387
00:16:18,485 --> 00:16:20,405
Blimey!
(LAUGHS)
388
00:16:23,125 --> 00:16:25,085
(GRUNTS)
389
00:16:27,285 --> 00:16:28,965
What the hell are you doing?
390
00:16:29,085 --> 00:16:30,365
(CHEERS)
391
00:16:30,485 --> 00:16:31,565
(SCREAMS)
392
00:16:31,725 --> 00:16:34,005
We're just trying to give the place
a proper send-off.
393
00:16:34,165 --> 00:16:36,925
So I'm trying to save the place,
while you're destroying it?
394
00:16:37,085 --> 00:16:39,765
Ye-ah!
I'm going through the paperwork.
395
00:16:39,925 --> 00:16:42,325
Do you even remember
signing the contract?
396
00:16:42,485 --> 00:16:45,605
I don't know. They made me sign
loads of crap. I've got no idea.
397
00:16:45,765 --> 00:16:48,725
Well, don't trash the place
just yet. I'm still looking for it.
398
00:16:48,845 --> 00:16:50,405
OK, thank you. Love you.
399
00:16:50,525 --> 00:16:52,445
(SQUEALS) Watch out!
400
00:16:53,765 --> 00:16:55,725
(SHOUTING AND WHOOPING)
401
00:16:58,045 --> 00:17:00,125
Are you still doing that?
402
00:17:00,245 --> 00:17:02,245
I can't fasten it properly...
403
00:17:02,365 --> 00:17:04,725
er...while you're kissing.
404
00:17:11,445 --> 00:17:13,405
(DRUNKEN SHOUTING)
405
00:17:24,365 --> 00:17:26,525
I'm sorry to see it
end like this for you, Rom.
406
00:17:26,645 --> 00:17:28,285
Yeah, I mean, I get it. I get it.
407
00:17:28,405 --> 00:17:31,045
The war of the pubs. The big feuds.
408
00:17:31,165 --> 00:17:32,805
You win. Congratulations.
409
00:17:32,965 --> 00:17:35,045
No. No, no, no,
I never saw it like that.
410
00:17:35,925 --> 00:17:37,885
I mean, you're hardly a threat.
411
00:17:42,205 --> 00:17:44,405
Pay your tab, and piss off.
412
00:17:44,525 --> 00:17:46,205
I never ordered those drinks.
413
00:17:46,365 --> 00:17:48,765
I never asked you to come in.
In fact, do you know what?
414
00:17:48,925 --> 00:17:50,605
You're barred.
Barred? What?
415
00:17:50,765 --> 00:17:53,645
Listen, I'm never gonna see you
again, so I may as well be honest.
416
00:17:53,765 --> 00:17:55,525
You're a vacuous hipster twat,
417
00:17:55,685 --> 00:17:57,885
who dresses like
Mumford & Sons fucked Dr Who.
418
00:18:02,285 --> 00:18:04,245
I warn you now...
419
00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:07,445
..I will blog about this.
420
00:18:08,405 --> 00:18:10,365
And I will not change your name.
421
00:18:17,925 --> 00:18:19,885
(CLATTERING)
422
00:18:21,965 --> 00:18:23,925
(SIGHS)
423
00:18:26,805 --> 00:18:28,485
Winter will leave us
424
00:18:28,605 --> 00:18:30,205
Sorry, Dad.
425
00:18:30,325 --> 00:18:32,245
Left the end of my nose
426
00:18:34,805 --> 00:18:37,285
Goodbye, old England
427
00:18:38,725 --> 00:18:40,685
Till next year's snow
428
00:18:44,285 --> 00:18:46,245
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
429
00:18:46,365 --> 00:18:48,285
Rom, the door!
430
00:18:54,005 --> 00:18:56,165
Jesus,
did you sleep in your clothes?
431
00:18:56,285 --> 00:18:58,045
Put your shoes on.
432
00:18:58,205 --> 00:19:00,805
There's broken glass everywhere.
It'll be like Die Hard.
433
00:19:00,925 --> 00:19:02,565
Nice reference.
434
00:19:02,685 --> 00:19:04,325
(SIGHS)
435
00:19:04,445 --> 00:19:06,365
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
436
00:19:09,165 --> 00:19:11,125
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
437
00:19:11,245 --> 00:19:13,165
For fuck's sake...
438
00:19:15,165 --> 00:19:17,285
Er, we're not actually open yet,
mate.
439
00:19:17,445 --> 00:19:20,645
Oh, hi, Romesh,
it's Gareth from the brewery.
440
00:19:20,805 --> 00:19:23,405
Oh. Hi, Gareth.
Can I...
441
00:19:23,525 --> 00:19:26,045
Well, no... Sorry, mate. It's just...
442
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,885
I'm trying to get it ready.
443
00:19:28,045 --> 00:19:30,405
I want it to be really lovely
for the handover,
444
00:19:30,565 --> 00:19:32,165
and I haven't been able
to do that yet.
445
00:19:32,285 --> 00:19:34,325
I just feel like, if we do that now,
446
00:19:34,485 --> 00:19:37,445
then it won't be as lovely
as I want it to be...
447
00:19:37,565 --> 00:19:39,365
for you.
448
00:19:39,485 --> 00:19:41,445
Right.
449
00:19:41,605 --> 00:19:44,525
Well, this is what I wanted
to discuss with you, actually.
450
00:19:44,645 --> 00:19:46,565
There's an issue with the contract.
451
00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:48,205
I just need you to sign something.
452
00:19:49,285 --> 00:19:51,045
Oh, so it wasn't signed?
453
00:19:51,205 --> 00:19:54,245
No. The brewery have asked
if you can sign it now.
454
00:19:54,365 --> 00:19:56,125
So the termination is void?
455
00:19:56,285 --> 00:19:58,765
Yeah, there's been
a bit of an error on our part there.
456
00:19:58,925 --> 00:20:01,405
Technically speaking.
Legally speaking?
457
00:20:01,565 --> 00:20:04,085
Yeah.
So what are you saying?
458
00:20:04,205 --> 00:20:05,925
You aren't required to leave,
459
00:20:06,085 --> 00:20:09,325
but the brewery have asked that
you sign this in front of me today.
460
00:20:09,445 --> 00:20:11,285
So we're not required to leave?
461
00:20:11,405 --> 00:20:13,005
Do we still have to run the pub?
462
00:20:13,125 --> 00:20:14,885
Yeah. We still have to run the pub.
463
00:20:15,045 --> 00:20:17,645
OK, so it's not a complete jackpot,
then. OK, I will sign.
464
00:20:17,765 --> 00:20:19,205
Just on that one.
465
00:20:19,365 --> 00:20:21,165
I can come in, if...
No, no, no, it's fine.
466
00:20:21,285 --> 00:20:22,925
We'll sign it here.
467
00:20:23,085 --> 00:20:25,805
Yeah, that's for you...
and that's for me.
468
00:20:25,965 --> 00:20:28,845
Please accept my apologies
on behalf of the brewery.
469
00:20:28,965 --> 00:20:30,645
All right, no problem, mate.
470
00:20:30,805 --> 00:20:33,325
Now, get off my property!
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
471
00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:36,445
Yeah, it's still our property,
to be clear.
472
00:20:36,605 --> 00:20:40,085
Yes, I get that. Sorry, I just
thought that'd be a funny joke.
473
00:20:46,205 --> 00:20:48,645
Yes!
What the hell just happened?
474
00:20:48,805 --> 00:20:53,365
You can't fail a probation period if
the contract doesn't legally exist.
475
00:20:53,565 --> 00:20:56,485
So me not signing it
actually saved the day?
476
00:20:56,645 --> 00:20:59,325
You're gonna try and take credit
for this, aren't you?
477
00:20:59,445 --> 00:21:00,845
No, no, I'm sorry.
478
00:21:00,965 --> 00:21:03,165
Thank you. You're amazing.
479
00:21:03,285 --> 00:21:05,085
Ooh! I really am.
480
00:21:05,205 --> 00:21:06,845
I'm gonna go straight to your mum's
481
00:21:07,005 --> 00:21:08,885
cos I think
she should be the first to know.
482
00:21:09,045 --> 00:21:10,645
I think
you should thank her as well.
483
00:21:10,805 --> 00:21:13,445
She was a real motivation for me.
Yes, I can imagine.
484
00:21:13,565 --> 00:21:15,445
So, I mean, what happens now?
485
00:21:15,605 --> 00:21:18,565
Well, I think you'd better start
clearing up your pub.
486
00:21:18,725 --> 00:21:22,205
Your six-month probation
starts today!
487
00:21:22,365 --> 00:21:25,525
Are there, like, apps for, like,
emergency cleaners or something?
488
00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:28,285
I'll put some music on,
and you can get on with it.
489
00:21:30,485 --> 00:21:32,325
(MUSIC ON)
490
00:21:32,445 --> 00:21:34,045
I just saved your life.
491
00:21:34,165 --> 00:21:36,085
Thank you, Tash.
492
00:21:37,685 --> 00:21:40,365
Right, let's do this.
493
00:21:41,485 --> 00:21:43,605
CYPRESS HILL:
When The Ship Goes Down
494
00:21:45,125 --> 00:21:46,965
(GROANS)
495
00:21:48,485 --> 00:21:50,245
Fuck this, this is ridiculous.
496
00:21:50,365 --> 00:21:52,045
There's got to be an app.
497
00:21:52,165 --> 00:21:53,765
When the ship goes down
498
00:21:53,885 --> 00:21:55,325
You better be ready
499
00:21:55,445 --> 00:21:56,885
When the ship goes down
500
00:21:57,005 --> 00:21:58,605
When the ship goes down
501
00:21:58,725 --> 00:22:00,365
You better be ready
502
00:22:00,485 --> 00:22:01,885
When the ship goes down
503
00:22:02,005 --> 00:22:03,765
When the ship goes down
504
00:22:03,885 --> 00:22:05,445
You better be ready
505
00:22:05,565 --> 00:22:07,005
When the ship goes down
506
00:22:07,125 --> 00:22:08,725
When the ship goes down
507
00:22:08,845 --> 00:22:10,165
You better be ready
508
00:22:10,285 --> 00:22:12,205
You better be ready...
509
00:22:16,885 --> 00:22:19,805
subtitles by Deluxe
E-mail sky.subtitles@sky.uk
510
00:22:19,855 --> 00:22:24,405
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