All language subtitles for The Reluctant Landlord s01e03 Mamas Boy.eng

Why's he looking so reluctant?
All bored

VERB T PITCH 92:
The Reluctant Landlord

One, two! Ah!

The day seems slow
but the years go fast

Could you please pour
another drink in my glass?

I think I need a drink tonight

If only the landlord
could fix it right

Why's he looking so reluctant?
All bored

Like he doesn't want the custom

Why do you run a pub, then?

Might need time away
but I never got that far

Best friends are these guys here
propping up the bar

Working for the family I love,
but the day's been long

Could you please
pour me another drink, bro?

(FUNKY MUSIC)

You're not gonna wanna hear
any of these suggestions, Rom.

Julie, please don't be under
the impression that I give a shit

what anyone in here thinks.
"Landlord has a wandering eye."

That's not even a suggestion.

Do you think that she's being
pervy or, you know...

Well, neither's great, is it?
"Romesh is fat in a weird way."

What the hell does that mean?
Well, no, it's just middle-aged spread,

but your legs have stayed skinny.

Kinda makes you look a little bit
like a question mark. It doesn't.

Oh, my God, you're right. I always
think of him as a toffee apple.

Shut up, Lemon.

"If you're gonna be a landlord,
learn how to change the barrels, or give Julie a pay raise."

Did you write that? Yes. Nice (!)

Why have you even got a suggestion
box? Well, Dad left it.

Yeah, but when he was landlord,
there was actually genuine suggestions,

not, "Do not replace the TV.
Romesh has been that shit at serving since it broke."

Not one of mine.
When are you getting a new TV?

Well, I mean, I can't afford it,
which means I'm genuinely

having to interact with customers.
It's a nightmare.

We need a new TV for Saturday.
It's the big fight.

Watch it on your phones.
It should be a shared experience.

I love watching, you know, two men
sweating it out in naked combat.

Sounds like you need to watch it
on your phone alone.

I could probably get you a new TV.
There's a mate of mine

works in office clearance
that's always got a TV going spare.

Honestly?
Yeah, don't worry about it.

Just think of it as a thank you
for letting my mum stay with you.

What?

My mum is visiting and I said
that she could stay with you.

You didn't say it to me.

Oh, shit, erm...

Er, can my mum stay
in your spare room?

We don't have one.
Why can't she stay at yours?

I live in a bedsit. I don't
wanna share a bed with my mum.

I don't wanna share a bed
with your mum either.

How about the kids step up and
she can stay in one of their rooms?

How about you sort out
proper accommodation

instead of dumping her on me?
Cos I'm getting you a new TV.

I mean, she could baby-sit,
give you a night off.

She's great with kids.

Of course, she is.
Look how you turned out.

SUGARHILL GANG: Rapper's Delight

Singin' on and on and on

So you're heading back downstairs?

No, Julie will be all right
on her own for a bit.

It'll be nice to have some quality
family time, am I right, kids?

(BOINGING AND WHOOSHING)

Oh, just you and me time, then.

Oh, so you don't mean me
sitting around

while you do your music,
like a rap widow?

I mean, that's not,
that's not a rap widow.

A rap widow would be like the wife
or girlfriend of Biggie or Tupac

after they got shot in that whole
East Coast-West Coast thing.

Do you wanna do
date night tomorrow?

Well, you could've segued
that better,

but yes, please, to a date.
How come?

Lemon thought that he'd asked if
his mum could stay and he hadn't.

So I said yes, in exchange for
some baby-sitting and a telly.

Oh, right.

So, the date's making up
for a stranger

staying at our house unannounced.
Er, no, the date is because

a stranger staying in our house
and it's not unannounced.

I'm announcing it.
And have you told your mum?

We haven't even invited her
to stay yet.

She's gonna be wearing
Lemon's mum's teeth as a necklace.

That's why we have
to take it to the grave.

Shall I check what's on
at the cinema?

Or we could go for dinner
and interact.

Yeah, we could try
that new Italian tapas place.

Italian tapas is not a thing.
That's just Italian food with shit portions.

They don't take reservations,
but I could go after work

and get in the queue, then you can
join us once she's set up.

That'd make it less convenient. We
have to make our own food as well?

The food is supposed to be amazing.
Doritos are amazing, aren't they?

But you don't have to queue up
for them.

(TV ON)

Er, FYI,
this isn't "you and me" time.

But we can put on
something we both like.

You don't like anything.
You just like complaining.

No, I don't. Maybe you shouldn't
have a TV in the pub.

Could do more landlord-y stuff,
like, banter with the punters,

listen to their woes.
Why the hell would I wanna do that?

Have you ever heard
any of Lee's anecdotes?

His best one's about trying to mend
a starter motor with a rubber band.

TV helps me to block out
the mind-numbing horror.

Is that why you like
having the TV on with me?

No.

I left that too long.
Yeah, you did.

It means it's my choice.
(SWITCHES CHANNEL)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC)
Hm.

You like gardening shows, right?

Julie, can I get your opinion on
a little argument I've been having with Natasha?

Sure. She's right.
(MOCK LAUGHTER)

Hi, mate.
Oh, God. Is he talking to me?

Hey, I heard about your TV trauma.

No trauma.
We're getting a new one, so... Oh.

Lager? That's not for me, is it?
I'm good, thanks.

I'll add it to your tab.
Yeah, I'm actually never coming

in here just for a drink.
I mean, no offence.

Why are you here, then?
Getting rid of the TV and the dog.

Trying to limit the screen time
in the pub turning it into more of a spoken-word centre.

You mean, a place people talk?

That sounds radical. Well,
there's a bit more to it than that.

I mean, pubs used to be
way stations, you know?

A place where weary travellers
would sit beside a fire

with a local ale
and a chunk of bread

and just discuss folk-tales
from their region.

That sounds like exactly the kind of
shit that makes somebody decide

to invent television.
Well, I don't want mine.

So, I thought I'd offer it to you.

But you've already
ordered one, so. Yeah.

I mean,
unless you wanna cancel yours.

Mine's a 4K HD.

I've never been a fan of 4K.
It looks unreal to me.

There's no depth, so. Yeah.

I hear you. Analogue rules, yeah?
(LAUGHS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

That's the thing with Natasha.
She was - Yeah, I agree with her.

Oh, God.
Hi, guys. This is my mum Debbie.

Hello. Hiya.
You must be Remosh.

Er, Romesh.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Putting my foot in it
straight away. Sorry.

Romosh.

Er, it's Romesh.
What am I saying? I'm not sure.

Or we could just go with Rom.

Oh, well, Rom, thanks ever so much
for letting me stay. No problem.

I mean, we had to juggle a few
things about, but it's fine.

So why mention it?

Peace be upon you.

Er, that's actually
a Muslim greeting.

I'm Hindu actually, nominally.

Ah, I know that one.

Namaste.

Er, yeah, that's right, except for
the handclasp from before actually goes with that one.

I'm not sure... I don't know
what this is. I've not seen that.

Ah, I was doing bulls.

Aren't cows sacred to you?

Can we talk about something
that might make us unclench our arseholes, please? Yes.

What can I get you to drink, Mum?
Ooh!

Erm, I'd like a cheeky half,
please, Lem.

OK.

Why is this happening?
You must be Julie.

I hope my son's a good boss.

Actually, I'm her boss, Debbie,
because I'm the landlord.

It's my pub.
And Lemon's your number two.

Right, yes, Lemon is a number two.

How long have you been working here,
Lemon? I forget.

Oh, a good couple of years now,
Rom.

Yes, well, you can't
keep him here forever.

One of these days,
you have to let him go.

Well, he's not actually a hostage.

Ooh.

Great work, Lem. Do you mind helping
me out back with changing a barrel?

Yeah, of course not. Great.

Oh, great. Well, bottoms up.

(GIGGLES)

You work here?
She was asking me what I was up to

and I'm in between things.
You're always in between things.

I didn't wanna worry her.
I thought that if I told her

I was working here,
she'd calm down a bit.

I'm here all the time. What's with
all the religious stuff?

She means well.
It's different for her generation.

She'll calm down. She'd better
and the TV you get me better be massive and amazing,

because I've just turned down a free
one from Foster. His TV is amazing.

What did you do that for? I didn't
want him to feel like he owns me.

You just turned down a free TV.

You've owned yourself, mate.

And he didn't think I could
change a tyre with a blindfold.

So I said, you know, "Get me
a blindfold," which she did.

So I'm sitting there
with the blindfold on

and he goes,
"Well, you've got to find it."

So I -
Hung yourself with the blindfold?

Don't spoil the story.
Debbie, this isn't a story.

The man is a time burglar. I'm
crawling, completely blindfolded,

and trying to find the front wheel,

and...
Are you gonna pay for that?

Can't you just take it out
of my wages, like you normally do?

Sure. Can't you just clean
those tables, like you normally do?

Sure. Julie, can you go and clean
the tables for me, please?

Sure. Lemon, what about that
suggestion that I made yesterday?

Given it any more thought?
Yes, I have.

Don't worry about discussing it
in front of your mum.

I think she should know
exactly what goes on here,

in this place where you work.

Er, Rom, I believe
that Julie deserves a pay rise.

Oh, just like my Lem to stick up
for the little people.

Yeah, sure, Julie can have
a pay raise, yeah.

Lemon can you note it down
on the wages sheet, please?

There is no wages sheet.
LEE: I know exactly how you feel,

because there was no tyre.

(SIGHS) So, what I do is,
I take my finger

and I run it along
the bottom of the car.

My finger touches what feels
like rubber and I think,

"Oh, that is the spare tyre!"
But it's not.

It's the flat tyre which he's taken
off. A decoy, if you will.

So I continue to search
and I can feel my knee...

So I continue to search
(MELLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(TV ON)

Right. Debbie's doing stories
with Charlie.

You can watch TV till 8:30, then you
read in your room, all right? OK.

You're wearing that shirt?
Yes, that's why I've got it on.

I thought you're meeting Mum
for dinner. I am meeting Mum for dinner.

Should I be wearing
a shirt that says "dinner"?

Theresa. Theresa,
I am meeting Mum for dinner.

That's why I'm surprised
you're in that shirt. What's wrong with it?

I thought grown-ups dressed up
for a night out.

You also thought Santa was real
until recently, didn't you, Theresa?

(RINGTONE)

Yes?
Hiya, how are you doing?

I'm in the queue. Should be
at the front in about 20 minutes.

Listen, how dressed up are you?

Er, I'm in my work clothes. Why?

Well, because Theresa says
I'm not dressed up enough.

Aw, I'm just happy to see you,

as long as you're not
in one of your lumberjack shirts.

OK, I'll see you in a bit.
OK, well, don't be late.

They won't hold places for people
who aren't here.

Just so you know, I already
hate everyone who works there.

See you shortly.
Bye.

I'm getting changed, Theresa.
You happy?

Oh, Mr Men.
Lemon used to love these books.

I think we'll have Mr Slow.
I don't know that one. (GIGGLES)

(JAMAICAN ACCENT) "Mr Slow,
I bet he take things real easy.

Him like it slow."

Erm, Debbie, that's not actually
the voice of the character

and even if it was,
you couldn't do it.

It's OK.
I have a Jamaican neighbour

and he often jokes
about the pace of life back home.

Right. Yeah, yeah, he can do it
and you can't.

Assuming that Mr Slow is Jamaican
is actually pretty offensive.

Surely it's more offensive
to say he can't be Jamaican.

It didn't feel like you were doing
it in the name of representation.

Well, I don't know
what the rules are these days.

They're actually pretty simple.

You can only do the accent
if you're from that background.

What about when you ask me
to do impressions of Nana?

Well, that's different. That is done
with respect for my family

and for my heritage.

(AS NANA)
Romy, you messed it up yet again.

Yes, OK. Thank you, Charlie.

OK, sorry. I didn't mean
to cause any trouble.

No. No, honestly, it's absolutely
fine. Let's just forget about it.

I was just off to change my shirt.
Yes, that's probably a good idea.

Yeah, well, just promise me
you won't black up while I'm gone.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

(RINGTONE)

Yes? The queue is moving quicker
than I thought. Where are you?

Nearly there.
Dad, can I rent a movie?

You haven't left yet.
Er, no.

Why did you say "nearly there?"
I meant nearly in the car.

I've got an Uber waiting outside.
Have you?

Yes.
Yes, that's him calling now, OK?

You can rent a movie.
Is there one called How Not To Land Your Dad In It?

Fucking surge.
You don't get a discount

and these pricks are twiddling
their thumbs.

So the mother pig said
to the three little pigs...

(NORTH IRELAND ACCENT)
"You're too big to live here now.

You must find houses
for yourselves."

Erm, what are you doing now?
Irish.

Why the hell are they Irish?
They're pigs.

The pigs are itinerant builders
who scam materials and erect houses

without any notion
of planning permission.

Well, of course
they'd sound like pikeys,

or whatever
the politically correct term is.

OK, that's racist. Oh,
please don't play the race card.

I'm not. I'm playing the racist
card. What you're doing is racist.

Well, seeing as I don't seem
to be able to do anything right,

I think I'll head out myself.

Whoa, Debbie. I'm not...
I feel like a drink

and it won't be
in this establishment.

Debbie, can you wait, please? I...

I didn't mean that. (SIGHS) Bye.

Well, that's not my fault.

Please, he's only one minute away.
He'll be here in one minute.

He's just around the corner.
Sorry, if full parties aren't here,

we can't allocate a table.

You can join the queue again.
Maybe they'll be here by then.

It's five times longer
than it was before.

Hi. Unless you're 30 seconds away,
we're not getting in.

Bit of a baby-sitting problem this
end. What have you said to her now?

Not to do racist accents.

Well, this really was wonderful fun.
Thank you (!)

Enjoy your dinner. Thank you.

Just so you know, we can't
ever come back to this restaurant.

Great.
Wanna come back and celebrate?

Hello? Christ.

Is Mum coming back?
You'd better get some dinner ready.

Hello. ALL: Surprise!

Who needs tapas when you've got
some street food side plates rustled up by the kids?

Try Cocoa Puffs
mixed with Smarties!

Tiny buttered toast. And I did
the ones that don't breach hygiene regulations.

Oh!

Shall we order some pizza, then?
Yeah. Yeah.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

We should probably see
if Debbie wants to join us.

I'm too scared to knock on her door.
I don't know if she's in there.

What if she got lucky last night?
What do you mean?

Like, won the lottery.

And used the money to find sex.
Romesh!

Hi, Gram. Come sit next to me.

Thank you, my sweet, but it
will be very hard to sit down,

because of all the knives sticking
in my back. Oh, hello, Mum.

Have you just come from
melodrama class?

So you don't
want me to baby-sit any more.

(EXHALES) Which one of you grassed?

We talk on the phone
on Saturday mornings

while you're still lazying in bed.
Hm, not specific to Saturdays.

Letting a stranger baby-sit
my grandchildren,

when I would love
to spend time with them.

How do you think
that makes me feel?

Er, grateful to not be hassled?

No, the opposite, Romesh.

I mean, I don't even know
what that means, Mum.

And she didn't even baby-sit
in the end.

Why not?
She was doing funny voices.

But I thought it was OK,
like, when Dad does you.

Excuse me?

You do an impression of me?

It's more like a tribute actually.
Thank you, Charlie.

So, not content with mocking me,
you want to exclude me, usurp me.

When the hell did you start
using the word "usurp"?

I haven't stayed here once.

Yeah, but that's only cos
we don't want you to. I see.

Fine. Mum, I'm joking.

You live down the road.
Debbie's from out of town.

She could hardly stay
at Lemon's, could she?

That boy has a flat?

He looks like he lives
on the street. Excuse me.

Oh... Oh, hello, Debbie.
Erm, this is my mum.

There's a slight issue
regarding the baby-sitting.

I heard what she said.
Just for the record,

Lemon isn't homeless and he does
keep your son's bar going.

Excuse me? The bar would be fine
without Lemon's custom.

It's not his custom
you should be grateful for,

it's his leadership.
What leadership?

He leads a team of bartenders
and fights for their rights.

He's like Malcolm X. (GIGGLES)

Well, he could be working
for Apple. Why?

They're looking for a cleaner?
Uncle Lemon has lots of jobs.

Yes, that's right.
Very much in demand.

Well done redeeming yourself,
Charlie.

But sometimes,
I have to lend him my pocket money.

What?

(MELLOW MUSIC)

Sorry about the voices, by the way.

I was in such a mood, I ended up

bending someone's ear
about it last night.

Consensus was that what
I'd done was pretty offensive

and I was told that I should
be more culturally sensitive.

Right. Well, I mean, that sounds
like wise advice. It was.

He's a good man, that David Foster.
(DOOR CLOSES)

So you haven't got a regular job.

And you've been taking money
from Charlie's piggy bank.

Oh, I have a series
of different revenue streams,

one of which, once,
was Charlie's piggy bank,

which I will pay back.
I've already paid him back.

So you owe me, Lemon,
and if you don't pay up quickly,

I shall start posting
your baby pics on Facebook.

Ooh! She fights dirty.
He was an extremely fat baby.

And you have to fund the pay raise
that you forced me to give Julie.

You don't have to stick with that.

I don't, you do,
for at least a month.

Come on. I'm taking you for lunch

and then you can tell me
what's really going on.

Oh, and, Lemon... Yeah, yeah,
you still want the TV.

Saturday Night's Alright
(For Fighting)

Romesh. Cutting it fine, mate.
Well, the fight's about to start.

Where is the telly? Outside.
Can you give me a hand? Yes.

You all right? Yeah.

Fuck me, Lemon! Is this your flat?

Just give me a hand, will you?

OK. (GRUNTS)

Hey. (GRUNTS)
Well, watch out for the door jamb.

OK. You got it? Hold on.
That's got it. Yeah. Yeah.

OK. It's not gonna go
on that stand. Yeah, it will.

No, it's not.
Watch, there are steps behind you.

Go, go, go. Oh, come on, dude.
(GRUNTS) Go quicker.

You got it? Pool table. Pool table.
Pool table. (GRUNTS)

We're just gonna stick this here
for a sec.

Oh, yeah. Fuck off, Rom.

Fair enough. (GRUNTS)
You got it? Got it. Yeah.

Lift. Yeah.
Lift, lift, lift, lift!

Perfect.
Front bit's the heavy bit.

The front bit's the heavy bit, Rom!
I've got it. Stop shouting.

Lift it! (GRUNTS)

OK. Come on.
We'll miss the first round.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(PANTING)

Is it on?
Oh, yeah.

It just takes a while for
the old antenna to warm up.

NATASHA: Read for a bit,
then lights out, OK?

OK, Mum.

Oh, hi, Natasha.
The TV didn't work out

so we're gonna watch the fight here
but we'll keep it down.

OK, boys, you can watch TV,
but you're gonna have to baby-sit

because Natasha and I are going out.

What if the kids wake? Tell 'em
one of your anecdotes, mate.

They'll soon pass out.
See you later. Thank you.

I will tell Julie to check
on the kids every seven minutes.

I would. See you.

ELTON JOHN: Saturday Night's
Alright (For Fighting)

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday

Saturday, Saturday

Saturday night's all right

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday

Saturday, Saturday

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