Original subtitles

Why's he looking so reluctant? All bored

VERB T PITCH 92: The Reluctant Landlord

One, two! Ah!

The day seems slow but the years go fast

Could you please pour another drink in my glass?

I think I need a drink tonight

If only the landlord could fix it right

Why's he looking so reluctant? All bored

Like he doesn't want the custom

Why do you run a pub, then?

Might need time away but I never got that far

Best friends are these guys here propping up the bar

Working for the family I love, but the day's been long

Could you please pour me another drink, bro?

Only the landlord could fix it right (FUNKY MUSIC)

You're not gonna wanna hear any of these suggestions, Rom.

Julie, please don't be under the impression that I give a shit

what anyone in here thinks. "Landlord has a wandering eye."

That's not even a suggestion.

Do you think that she's being pervy or, you know...

Well, neither's great, is it? "Romesh is fat in a weird way."

What the hell does that mean? Well, no, it's just middle-aged spread,

but your legs have stayed skinny.

Kinda makes you look a little bit like a question mark. It doesn't.

Oh, my God, you're right. I always think of him as a toffee apple.

Shut up, Lemon.

"If you're gonna be a landlord, learn how to change the barrels, or give Julie a pay raise."

Did you write that? Yes. Nice (!)

Why have you even got a suggestion box? Well, Dad left it.

Yeah, but when he was landlord, there was actually genuine suggestions,

not, "Do not replace the TV. Romesh has been that shit at serving since it broke."

Not one of mine. When are you getting a new TV?

Well, I mean, I can't afford it, which means I'm genuinely

having to interact with customers. It's a nightmare.

We need a new TV for Saturday. It's the big fight.

Watch it on your phones. It should be a shared experience.

I love watching, you know, two men sweating it out in naked combat.

Sounds like you need to watch it on your phone alone.

I could probably get you a new TV. There's a mate of mine

works in office clearance that's always got a TV going spare.

Honestly? Yeah, don't worry about it.

Just think of it as a thank you for letting my mum stay with you.

What?

My mum is visiting and I said that she could stay with you.

You didn't say it to me.

Oh, shit, erm...

Er, can my mum stay in your spare room?

We don't have one. Why can't she stay at yours?

I live in a bedsit. I don't wanna share a bed with my mum.

I don't wanna share a bed with your mum either.

How about the kids step up and she can stay in one of their rooms?

How about you sort out proper accommodation

instead of dumping her on me? Cos I'm getting you a new TV.

I mean, she could baby-sit, give you a night off.

She's great with kids.

Of course, she is. Look how you turned out.

SUGARHILL GANG: Rapper's Delight

Singin' on and on and on

The beat don't stop until the break of dawn So you're heading back downstairs?

No, Julie will be all right on her own for a bit.

It'll be nice to have some quality family time, am I right, kids?

(BOINGING AND WHOOSHING)

Oh, just you and me time, then.

Oh, so you don't mean me sitting around

while you do your music, like a rap widow?

I mean, that's not, that's not a rap widow.

A rap widow would be like the wife or girlfriend of Biggie or Tupac

after they got shot in that whole East Coast-West Coast thing.

Do you wanna do date night tomorrow?

Well, you could've segued that better,

but yes, please, to a date. How come?

Lemon thought that he'd asked if his mum could stay and he hadn't.

So I said yes, in exchange for some baby-sitting and a telly.

Oh, right.

So, the date's making up for a stranger

staying at our house unannounced. Er, no, the date is because

a stranger staying in our house and it's not unannounced.

I'm announcing it. And have you told your mum?

We haven't even invited her to stay yet.

She's gonna be wearing Lemon's mum's teeth as a necklace.

That's why we have to take it to the grave.

Shall I check what's on at the cinema?

Or we could go for dinner and interact.

Yeah, we could try that new Italian tapas place.

Italian tapas is not a thing. That's just Italian food with shit portions.

They don't take reservations, but I could go after work

and get in the queue, then you can join us once she's set up.

That'd make it less convenient. We have to make our own food as well?

The food is supposed to be amazing. Doritos are amazing, aren't they?

But you don't have to queue up for them.

(TV ON)

Er, FYI, this isn't "you and me" time.

But we can put on something we both like.

You don't like anything. You just like complaining.

No, I don't. Maybe you shouldn't have a TV in the pub.

Could do more landlord-y stuff, like, banter with the punters,

listen to their woes. Why the hell would I wanna do that?

Have you ever heard any of Lee's anecdotes?

His best one's about trying to mend a starter motor with a rubber band.

TV helps me to block out the mind-numbing horror.

Is that why you like having the TV on with me?

No.

I left that too long. Yeah, you did.

It means it's my choice. (SWITCHES CHANNEL)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC) Hm.

You like gardening shows, right?

Julie, can I get your opinion on a little argument I've been having with Natasha?

Sure. She's right. (MOCK LAUGHTER)

Hi, mate. Oh, God. Is he talking to me?

Hey, I heard about your TV trauma.

No trauma. We're getting a new one, so... Oh.

Lager? That's not for me, is it? I'm good, thanks.

I'll add it to your tab. Yeah, I'm actually never coming

in here just for a drink. I mean, no offence.

Why are you here, then? Getting rid of the TV and the dog.

Trying to limit the screen time in the pub turning it into more of a spoken-word centre.

You mean, a place people talk?

That sounds radical. Well, there's a bit more to it than that.

I mean, pubs used to be way stations, you know?

A place where weary travellers would sit beside a fire

with a local ale and a chunk of bread

and just discuss folk-tales from their region.

That sounds like exactly the kind of shit that makes somebody decide

to invent television. Well, I don't want mine.

So, I thought I'd offer it to you.

But you've already ordered one, so. Yeah.

I mean, unless you wanna cancel yours.

Mine's a 4K HD.

I've never been a fan of 4K. It looks unreal to me.

There's no depth, so. Yeah.

I hear you. Analogue rules, yeah? (LAUGHS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

That's the thing with Natasha. She was - Yeah, I agree with her.

Oh, God. Hi, guys. This is my mum Debbie.

Hello. Hiya. You must be Remosh.

Er, Romesh. Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Putting my foot in it straight away. Sorry.

Romosh.

Er, it's Romesh. What am I saying? I'm not sure.

Or we could just go with Rom.

Oh, well, Rom, thanks ever so much for letting me stay. No problem.

I mean, we had to juggle a few things about, but it's fine.

So why mention it?

Peace be upon you.

Er, that's actually a Muslim greeting.

I'm Hindu actually, nominally.

Ah, I know that one.

Namaste.

Er, yeah, that's right, except for the handclasp from before actually goes with that one.

I'm not sure... I don't know what this is. I've not seen that.

Ah, I was doing bulls.

Aren't cows sacred to you?

Can we talk about something that might make us unclench our arseholes, please? Yes.

What can I get you to drink, Mum? Ooh!

Erm, I'd like a cheeky half, please, Lem.

OK.

Why is this happening? You must be Julie.

I hope my son's a good boss.

Actually, I'm her boss, Debbie, because I'm the landlord.

It's my pub. And Lemon's your number two.

Right, yes, Lemon is a number two.

How long have you been working here, Lemon? I forget.

Oh, a good couple of years now, Rom.

Yes, well, you can't keep him here forever.

One of these days, you have to let him go.

Well, he's not actually a hostage.

Ooh.

Great work, Lem. Do you mind helping me out back with changing a barrel?

Yeah, of course not. Great.

Oh, great. Well, bottoms up.

(GIGGLES)

You work here? She was asking me what I was up to

and I'm in between things. You're always in between things.

I didn't wanna worry her. I thought that if I told her

I was working here, she'd calm down a bit.

I'm here all the time. What's with all the religious stuff?

She means well. It's different for her generation.

She'll calm down. She'd better and the TV you get me better be massive and amazing,

because I've just turned down a free one from Foster. His TV is amazing.

What did you do that for? I didn't want him to feel like he owns me.

You just turned down a free TV.

You've owned yourself, mate.

And he didn't think I could change a tyre with a blindfold.

So I said, you know, "Get me a blindfold," which she did.

So I'm sitting there with the blindfold on

and he goes, "Well, you've got to find it."

So I - Hung yourself with the blindfold?

Don't spoil the story. Debbie, this isn't a story.

The man is a time burglar. I'm crawling, completely blindfolded,

and trying to find the front wheel,

and... Are you gonna pay for that?

Can't you just take it out of my wages, like you normally do?

Sure. Can't you just clean those tables, like you normally do?

Sure. Julie, can you go and clean the tables for me, please?

Sure. Lemon, what about that suggestion that I made yesterday?

Given it any more thought? Yes, I have.

Don't worry about discussing it in front of your mum.

I think she should know exactly what goes on here,

in this place where you work.

Er, Rom, I believe that Julie deserves a pay rise.

Oh, just like my Lem to stick up for the little people.

Yeah, sure, Julie can have a pay raise, yeah.

Lemon can you note it down on the wages sheet, please?

There is no wages sheet. LEE: I know exactly how you feel,

because there was no tyre.

(SIGHS) So, what I do is, I take my finger

and I run it along the bottom of the car.

My finger touches what feels like rubber and I think,

"Oh, that is the spare tyre!" But it's not.

It's the flat tyre which he's taken off. A decoy, if you will.

So I continue to search and I can feel my knee...

So I continue to search (MELLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(TV ON)

Right. Debbie's doing stories with Charlie.

You can watch TV till 8:30, then you read in your room, all right? OK.

You're wearing that shirt? Yes, that's why I've got it on.

I thought you're meeting Mum for dinner. I am meeting Mum for dinner.

Should I be wearing a shirt that says "dinner"?

Theresa. Theresa, I am meeting Mum for dinner.

That's why I'm surprised you're in that shirt. What's wrong with it?

I thought grown-ups dressed up for a night out.

You also thought Santa was real until recently, didn't you, Theresa?

(RINGTONE)

Yes? Hiya, how are you doing?

I'm in the queue. Should be at the front in about 20 minutes.

Listen, how dressed up are you?

Er, I'm in my work clothes. Why?

Well, because Theresa says I'm not dressed up enough.

Aw, I'm just happy to see you,

as long as you're not in one of your lumberjack shirts.

OK, I'll see you in a bit. OK, well, don't be late.

They won't hold places for people who aren't here.

Just so you know, I already hate everyone who works there.

See you shortly. Bye.

I'm getting changed, Theresa. You happy?

Oh, Mr Men. Lemon used to love these books.

I think we'll have Mr Slow. I don't know that one. (GIGGLES)

(JAMAICAN ACCENT) "Mr Slow, I bet he take things real easy.

Him like it slow."

Erm, Debbie, that's not actually the voice of the character

and even if it was, you couldn't do it.

It's OK. I have a Jamaican neighbour

and he often jokes about the pace of life back home.

Right. Yeah, yeah, he can do it and you can't.

Assuming that Mr Slow is Jamaican is actually pretty offensive.

Surely it's more offensive to say he can't be Jamaican.

It didn't feel like you were doing it in the name of representation.

Well, I don't know what the rules are these days.

They're actually pretty simple.

You can only do the accent if you're from that background.

What about when you ask me to do impressions of Nana?

Well, that's different. That is done with respect for my family

and for my heritage.

(AS NANA) Romy, you messed it up yet again.

Yes, OK. Thank you, Charlie.

OK, sorry. I didn't mean to cause any trouble.

No. No, honestly, it's absolutely fine. Let's just forget about it.

I was just off to change my shirt. Yes, that's probably a good idea.

Yeah, well, just promise me you won't black up while I'm gone.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

(RINGTONE)

Yes? The queue is moving quicker than I thought. Where are you?

Nearly there. Dad, can I rent a movie?

You haven't left yet. Er, no.

Why did you say "nearly there?" I meant nearly in the car.

I've got an Uber waiting outside. Have you?

Yes. Yes, that's him calling now, OK?

You can rent a movie. Is there one called How Not To Land Your Dad In It?

Fucking surge. You don't get a discount

and these pricks are twiddling their thumbs.

So the mother pig said to the three little pigs...

(NORTH IRELAND ACCENT) "You're too big to live here now.

You must find houses for yourselves."

Erm, what are you doing now? Irish.

Why the hell are they Irish? They're pigs.

The pigs are itinerant builders who scam materials and erect houses

without any notion of planning permission.

Well, of course they'd sound like pikeys,

or whatever the politically correct term is.

OK, that's racist. Oh, please don't play the race card.

I'm not. I'm playing the racist card. What you're doing is racist.

Well, seeing as I don't seem to be able to do anything right,

I think I'll head out myself.

Whoa, Debbie. I'm not... I feel like a drink

and it won't be in this establishment.

Debbie, can you wait, please? I...

I didn't mean that. (SIGHS) Bye.

Well, that's not my fault.

Please, he's only one minute away. He'll be here in one minute.

He's just around the corner. Sorry, if full parties aren't here,

we can't allocate a table.

You can join the queue again. Maybe they'll be here by then.

It's five times longer than it was before.

Hi. Unless you're 30 seconds away, we're not getting in.

Bit of a baby-sitting problem this end. What have you said to her now?

Not to do racist accents.

Well, this really was wonderful fun. Thank you (!)

Enjoy your dinner. Thank you.

Just so you know, we can't ever come back to this restaurant.

Great. Wanna come back and celebrate?

Hello? Christ.

Is Mum coming back? You'd better get some dinner ready.

Hello. ALL: Surprise!

Who needs tapas when you've got some street food side plates rustled up by the kids?

Try Cocoa Puffs mixed with Smarties!

Tiny buttered toast. And I did the ones that don't breach hygiene regulations.

Oh!

Shall we order some pizza, then? Yeah. Yeah.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

We should probably see if Debbie wants to join us.

I'm too scared to knock on her door. I don't know if she's in there.

What if she got lucky last night? What do you mean?

Like, won the lottery.

And used the money to find sex. Romesh!

Hi, Gram. Come sit next to me.

Thank you, my sweet, but it will be very hard to sit down,

because of all the knives sticking in my back. Oh, hello, Mum.

Have you just come from melodrama class?

So you don't want me to baby-sit any more.

(EXHALES) Which one of you grassed?

We talk on the phone on Saturday mornings

while you're still lazying in bed. Hm, not specific to Saturdays.

Letting a stranger baby-sit my grandchildren,

when I would love to spend time with them.

How do you think that makes me feel?

Er, grateful to not be hassled?

No, the opposite, Romesh.

I mean, I don't even know what that means, Mum.

And she didn't even baby-sit in the end.

Why not? She was doing funny voices.

But I thought it was OK, like, when Dad does you.

Excuse me?

You do an impression of me?

It's more like a tribute actually. Thank you, Charlie.

So, not content with mocking me, you want to exclude me, usurp me.

When the hell did you start using the word "usurp"?

I haven't stayed here once.

Yeah, but that's only cos we don't want you to. I see.

Fine. Mum, I'm joking.

You live down the road. Debbie's from out of town.

She could hardly stay at Lemon's, could she?

That boy has a flat?

He looks like he lives on the street. Excuse me.

Oh... Oh, hello, Debbie. Erm, this is my mum.

There's a slight issue regarding the baby-sitting.

I heard what she said. Just for the record,

Lemon isn't homeless and he does keep your son's bar going.

Excuse me? The bar would be fine without Lemon's custom.

It's not his custom you should be grateful for,

it's his leadership. What leadership?

He leads a team of bartenders and fights for their rights.

He's like Malcolm X. (GIGGLES)

Well, he could be working for Apple. Why?

They're looking for a cleaner? Uncle Lemon has lots of jobs.

Yes, that's right. Very much in demand.

Well done redeeming yourself, Charlie.

But sometimes, I have to lend him my pocket money.

What?

(MELLOW MUSIC)

Sorry about the voices, by the way.

I was in such a mood, I ended up

bending someone's ear about it last night.

Consensus was that what I'd done was pretty offensive

and I was told that I should be more culturally sensitive.

Right. Well, I mean, that sounds like wise advice. It was.

He's a good man, that David Foster. (DOOR CLOSES)

So you haven't got a regular job.

And you've been taking money from Charlie's piggy bank.

Oh, I have a series of different revenue streams,

one of which, once, was Charlie's piggy bank,

which I will pay back. I've already paid him back.

So you owe me, Lemon, and if you don't pay up quickly,

I shall start posting your baby pics on Facebook.

Ooh! She fights dirty. He was an extremely fat baby.

And you have to fund the pay raise that you forced me to give Julie.

You don't have to stick with that.

I don't, you do, for at least a month.

Come on. I'm taking you for lunch

and then you can tell me what's really going on.

Oh, and, Lemon... Yeah, yeah, you still want the TV.

Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting)

Romesh. Cutting it fine, mate. Well, the fight's about to start.

Where is the telly? Outside. Can you give me a hand? Yes.

You all right? Yeah.

Fuck me, Lemon! Is this your flat?

Just give me a hand, will you?

OK. (GRUNTS)

Hey. (GRUNTS) Well, watch out for the door jamb.

OK. You got it? Hold on. That's got it. Yeah. Yeah.

OK. It's not gonna go on that stand. Yeah, it will.

No, it's not. Watch, there are steps behind you.

Go, go, go. Oh, come on, dude. (GRUNTS) Go quicker.

You got it? Pool table. Pool table. Pool table. (GRUNTS)

We're just gonna stick this here for a sec.

Oh, yeah. Fuck off, Rom.

Fair enough. (GRUNTS) You got it? Got it. Yeah.

Lift. Yeah. Lift, lift, lift, lift!

Perfect. Front bit's the heavy bit.

The front bit's the heavy bit, Rom! I've got it. Stop shouting.

Lift it! (GRUNTS)

OK. Come on. We'll miss the first round.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(PANTING)

Is it on? Oh, yeah.

It just takes a while for the old antenna to warm up.

NATASHA: Read for a bit, then lights out, OK?

OK, Mum.

Oh, hi, Natasha. The TV didn't work out

so we're gonna watch the fight here but we'll keep it down.

OK, boys, you can watch TV, but you're gonna have to baby-sit

because Natasha and I are going out.

What if the kids wake? Tell 'em one of your anecdotes, mate.

They'll soon pass out. See you later. Thank you.

I will tell Julie to check on the kids every seven minutes.

I would. See you.

ELTON JOHN: Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting)

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday

Saturday, Saturday

Saturday night's all right

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday

Saturday, Saturday

Saturday night's all right Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0