Original subtitles

# The days seem slow but the years go fast

# One, two!

# The days seem slow but the years go fast

# Could you please pour another drink in my glass?

# I think I need a drink tonight

# If only the landlord could fix it right

# Why is he looking so reluctant?

# All bored, like he doesn't want the custom

# Why do you run a pub, then?

# I need time away but I've never gotten far

# Best friends are these guys here propping up the bar

# Working for the family I love, but the days are long

Could you please pour me another drink, bruv?

# QUEEN: We Are The Champions

(CRUNCHING)

(LAUGHTER)

They can't be that hot. It's like a lava vindaloo!

That's not a very good advert for whatever Lee's got in his mouth.

Where have you been, Lemon? Um...

Nowhere.

You're normally in before now. Yeah, had your pint lined up.

It's snack delivery day. Julie got a special new range of crisps.

We're doing a challenge. Nah, don't really fancy any snacks today.

(COUGHS)

How do you think the spicy new range is going down, Julie?

Oh, well, it's driving people to drink more.

Surely that's a good thing. Give me one.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Romesh is stepping up!

(SARCASTIC CHEERING) I'm not stepping up, Julie. I just want to try one.

Be careful, mate. I grew up on Sri Lankan food.

I think I can handle a spicy crisp, Lee.

Eat it. Eat it. Eat it.

ALL: Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!

Eat it...

Are these the mild ones?

(LAUGHTER) They're really hot.

I was just washing the taste away because it's disgusting, not because it's hot.

Yeah, sure. Do you want one?

No, I'm...good. Not hungry.

Why aren't you hungry, Lemon?

I'm just not.

Have you thought any more about doing proper food here?

Foster is doing it at the Dog and it is going really well.

I've heard what that dick is doing.

I'm guessing the reason Lemon doesn't want snacks

is because traitor prick here has been trying Foster's food out.

They were giving away samples for free outside!

Oh, yeah. Reel them in with free samples.

Get them hooked. That's a great business plan of Foster's.

Like a drug dealer? Oh, is he serving cocaine?

No, it was this amazing pork belly.

With ginger carrots and these beetroot chips.

Which you swear wouldn't work, but when you actually eat them...

..you realise they don't work. They're disgusting.

They tasted like sick.

Sounds amazing, Judas.

Your tab's overdue.

How was the pub today? Oh, don't ask.

Hm, was it that bad?

No, it's just that if I answer, I feel obliged to ask you how your day was.

Fine, if you don't want to hear about the triple murder case I was given.

Really? No. I'm a junior lawyer, we live in Crawley.

Did some conveyancing, redrafted a will.

Well, I served some drinks and discovered that Lemon's been eating at Foster's pub.

Dad, can I play Mario?

Yeah, when I'm finished. I've got work to do. It's distracting if the TV's on.

You're not working, you're playing.

Playing music. And it is work actually.

How can it be work if you're not paid to do it?

I'm not paid to have this conversation, but it feels like work.

It's so unfair.

While you're in such a good mood,

here's my take on what Foster's doing.

I think it's really interesting. Oh, cool. Well, here's my take.

He's still a prick. Here's my take on your take.

Why don't you two just measure your pricks and get over it?

This is not some male competitiveness thing.

He took a decent local pub and turned it into a breeding ground for pretentious hipsters.

Oh, spare me. It was a hole!

He's actually branded it really well.

He's got the punters coming in, which means he's hiring more staff.

Which means he spends less time on the front line.

That means he'll have more time to stick his nose into my business.

He comes in, talks about himself, doesn't buy a drink.

I've been pouring him pints and putting them on a tab.

Like a wanker tax. The food's working well for him.

You need to get the right menu - No.

Not my mum. I didn't say that!

No, but you were going to.

All right, not your mum. But a chef with flair.

The idea of spending less time behind the bar does appeal.

It would give me more time to - Spend with me.

..work on my music. Hm.

Imagine all the time you'll be able to spend on your music when I leave you.

I would console myself with the knowledge that your best years are behind you.

If you don't mind, I've got tracks to work on. It's like you don't want a thank-you on the album.

Shit head. I heard that.

I don't understand why you get to play your records

and I don't get to play on the console.

I don't know why you want to play video games. You're a kid. Your life is fun.

You don't need to escape. Do you want to escape, Dad?

Of course I don't, darling. But sometimes adults get stressed,

and feel trapped by their existence. I want to play an hour a night.

Other kids do. Absolutely no way, mate. Not happening.

Oh, hello, Headmistress! Hello.

Is that the correct term? Is it Headms?

I'm not being facetious. I genuinely don't know the correct way to address you.

Mrs Johnson. And the official title is Head Teacher.

Right, yes. Gender fluid. Gender neutral.

Yes, yes, love it.

Bye, Dad! See you later, buddy!

Did I hear you correctly there? You're trying to restrict his time playing games?

Er... Yes, that's right. That's welcome news.

His teacher told me he's been very tired in class lately.

And his concentration is really off.

Has his gaming been a problem? No, I don't think so.

He doesn't play that much.

That's because you're always spitting bars in the lounge.

Ha! No, I'm not. I do a little bit of um...music production.

It's nothing that requires a parental advisory sticker.

But I will speak to Charlie.

From now on, you don't talk when adults are talking, OK? OK.

It's time to step up for your big prizes. How are you feeling?

Pretty confident. Good lad, good lad.

You've missed it.

You need to send all that shit back.

Why?

Because they're inedible. Nobody's buying them.

Lee, how is your tongue?

Not so bad.

It's more of a problem with my ankle.

Cos there's a heavy clutch on the work vehicle.

Really, really heavy.

It sticks around third gear.

And - Nobody gives a shit, Lee.

Oi, did she buy a drink?

I don't think so.

She she just come in here to use the toilet? Unbelievable.

These are high-end crisps.

I thought the punters would like them.

But we're not a high-end establishment.

Colonel Knacker's MasterBlasters?

Sounds like a novelty laxative. They are incredibly popular.

And are close to a deal with Tesco.

The sales guy was fit, wasn't he?

No!

OK, he looked like Will Smith.

Will Smith, dickhead.

You need to tell the Fresh Prince that we need a refund.

And that Wild Wild West was shit.

We're going to do proper food. Oh, excellent.

I'll let the regulars know on the WhatsApp group.

How is that even a thing? Just is.

I hope you mean it when you say proper food.

Not like when your dad tried.

Couple of Iceland pizzas heated up in a microwave.

There was a lot of refunds that night.

Stay out of the black, get in the red.

That's on the floor. I think a curry night is a great idea.

Microwave. Who said it was a curry night?

Set of novelty glasses.

What it it, then? Well, it's...

Fridge-freezer. Sri Lankan cuisine.

Oh, so are you going to get your mum to do it?

I love her cooking. Absolutely not.

I need my self-esteem. This is for the caravan!

Lee - Concentrate! Lee!

That is super annoying.

Sorry.

I tell you what is super annoying.

The... The roadworks near the pool.

Luckily, I found half a sandwich.

Because I was stuck there for...20 minutes.

OK, you can go back to your darts.

Try again. I'm going to need to find a chef.

I can do it. I used to be head chef down at that Indian place, didn't I?

I didn't know you worked at the Indian place.

You don't know everything about me, do you?

I know that you once shat into a Pringles tube.

I'd probably tell someone about the Indian restaurant before I told them about that.

I've done a lot of jobs. Plumber, baker, fencer.

Ooh!

Oh, you meant you put up fences.

Feel free to hire a chef.

But with me, I would do it for free.

Or until I paid off my tab. I see. That's why you want to do it. OK.

But we both get something out of it.

I pay off my debt and you get a chef.

I suppose I could...

I don't know, let you do the first night as a trial or something.

Great plan. Cos we all know the opening night has the least amount riding on it.

Oh, go and get some more of your shit crisps. I will!

For Bully's special prize...

(MUSIC)

(SCREECHING TYRES ON GAME)

Yes! Ohh.

Charlie, I know I said you could play, but it's too much, mate. You have to go.

How about I play with the sound down?

But you keep jumping up and down and the screen keeps flickering.

You're too young for that anyway. Why don't you read a book? Fine!

All right, moody!

Romesh, why aren't you letting me be the chef in the pub?

Oh, hello, Mum. Do come in, won't you?

Not a great time. I'm in the middle of something.

You're in the middle of nothing.

Why am I not the chef at the pub? How do you even know about this?

Don't you think it would be nice to work together?

Mum, I don't think you should be doing long hours.

You're only saying that because I'm your mum. Correct.

So you admit it! It might be difficult for you not to...

Not to what? Tell me! It might be as much fun as this, mightn't it?

Hiya, love!

Honestly, what an awful day.

Nat, my - I assume the kids are in bed.

How about a vino and a quickie?

Hello, Jayanthi. We can do the quickie now or wait for my mum to go.

Has Romesh told you he's going to be doing food? No.

I had to hear it from Sunita.

I see your network's in full effect.

Natasha, don't you think I should be the chef?

Oh, well...

That would be a lot of pressure, Jayanthi.

You could totally do it. But it would feel like a job.

It wouldn't feel like a job, it would be a job.

With me as your boss, Mum. If only he'd learnt to cook Sri Lankan food,

none of this would be an issue. I know!

I see the weekly 'Romesh is an arsehole' group is in session.

Bye-bye! (MUSIC)

You're crazy not to use your mam. She's a great cook.

Julie, I don't want to work with my mum in my dead dad's pub.

Yeah? Plus, if I use Lemon,

I get months of free work out of him while he works off his tab.

Watch out, here's Foster.

Oh, my God! Did somebody order a twat?

Hello, David. Lager? No, I'm good, thanks.

I'm pouring it now, mate.

Hey, I heard you guys were doing Asian cuisine.

Big up!

I'd love to do more world cuisine.

But if it is not cooked by the people who have grown up with those techniques and ingredients,

it feels like the worst kind of cultural appropriation.

I agree. Which is why we've hired an indigenous chef. So...

Listen, I don't know if you're doing north or south,

but I've got a coconut scraper

and some tiffin dishes if you need them.

I picked them up when I was travelling. They are proper legit.

Our chef actually handmade all his utensils.

Wow!

That is fantastic! I can't wait for tomorrow night.

I just love exploring new cuisines.

Why, have you never had a curry?

Yeah, of course. But every dish is different.

Chilli from the - (PUTS ON ACCENT) Punjab - will taste completely different from chilli from Kerala.

The recipes vary from village to village.

You could get two chefs using the same recipe

and still end up with subtle differences in flavour

because of the way they chop or use a pestle.

Sorry, I'm going off on one! Yes, you are. Goodbye.

OK... Do you want the...

No.

I'll put this on your tab, then, mate. Yeah?

Do you really think Lemon's going to fool him?

Of course. Foster's a fake.

Give him food with chilli and indigestible bits of wood in it and he'll be happy.

What did Foster want? A smack in the balls ideally.

Have you got everything? Yep. Got all the herbs and spices.

I'll get the sauces started and give everything a chance to marinade.

See? He used the word marinade. Everything's going to be fine.

Nat. What?

Nat. Sexy time?

Hm.

Is that the seduction?

Look, I've had a crap day. Foster came round.

He's coming on the first night.

I'm hoping Lemon is going to be OK.

Lemon? I meant lemongrass.

It's a tricky ingredient to get right.

I love you. Please can we have sex?

Lemon is the chef?

Rom, if you're going to do this, you've got to do it properly.

Are we talking about sex or the pub doing food?

Both actually. Why would you hire him?

Part of the appeal of me taking on the pub, as you put it to me,

is that I get to be my own boss.

I'd appreciate it if you respected that.

Lemon used to work at a top Indian restaurant so he does know his stuff.

That being said, I very much appreciate your concern.

I love you very much. Please can we have sex?

(SIGHS) Go on, then. Yes!

Launch sequence initiated!

(BEEPING)

Ohh! My arm!

What the hell was that? You stunted my erection.

What the hell was that noise?

I'm injured. I've sprained my wrist or something.

You're not injured. Go and see what it is!

OK, fine. Hopefully, they've got an X-ray machine.

(CLICK)

(GAME) Step on it!

(REVVING ENGINE)

Charlie! Dad!

Don't tell...

..Mum. What are you doing playing games in the middle of the night?

No wonder you're always sleepy for school.

I'm getting rid of this! Well done, Charlie.

But Mum - Don't try and talk your way out of this one.

I'm not. Dad is always working on his music.

I never get a chance to play it.

Rom, this is all your fault.

You've just made a very powerful enemy, mate.

I love them. It's just the customers. They're unsophisticated.

Often, customers need to be trained to appreciate them.

Yeah, and I get that. It's just...

..my landlord. Julie, you're the bar manager, aren't you?

He says they're inedible.

Her again? Why does she need to piss so much if she never buys a drink?

Did you say anything? No, I didn't see her come in.

The door is literally there.

Who's this? Hi. Timothy Sexton from Fremento Snacks.

What happened to you?

These chilli crisps were so shit, they broke my arm.

I thought you said he looked like Will Smith! (LAUGHS)

I didn't say that! Yes, you did.

I'm very flattered. I wouldn't be.

I think it's mildly racist.

Anyway, nice to meet you. Take this shit with you, please.

Sorry about him.

So how do we sort these going back?

How about we talk about alternative ranges?

Over dinner.

That was a joke.

Unless...

No, you meant we should talk about them here.

And I knew that.

I need to ban that woman from the pub.

Not sure how that plays with the Time's Up movement.

Apart from the negative PR, it also breaks several laws.

I won't bill you for that.

I'm not banning her cos she's a woman.

Banning her because she just comes in to use the toilet.

She's not a customer. She's using us for her bestie loo.

What the hell's that? Favourite toilet when you're out.

That's rubbish. Really?

When we're in town, I notice you want to go by the library.

They are very clean.

What if this woman's got some kind of problem?

I don't buy that. She's taking the piss.

Or a shit. Whatever she's doing, she's out of order.

Anyway, I've got to go downstairs and check on the food.

Ta-ra. I'll be down once the kids are asleep.

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, that's good.

Mate, how's it going? It's fine.

I screwed up the rice. How do you screw up rice?

I don't know, but I have!

I'll make some more. I thought you worked as a chef.

I did, but I wasn't in charge of the rice. I was in charge of the fun stuff.

Like the vegetable jalfrezi and the chana masala.

This actually looks very, very nice.

OK, here you go, then.

Open wide. You're going to feed me?

Yeah.

Lemon, it tastes like actual shit!

It is rank!

Sorry, mate. I may have exaggerated my level of seniority.

There are people out there expecting food, edible food.

How about I make them some toasties?

I told Foster we're doing authentic Sri Lankan cuisine.

Sri Lankan fusion? What the hell is Sri Lankan fusion?

Spicy toastie.

See what you think of this.

Mm. That's nice, isn't it?

Mm, num num, that looks absolutely delicious.

Shut my eyes, I could be in Sri Lanka.

Yes. What a shame you're not.

Hiya! Looks like it's going really well.

Lemon must be really good.

He is. I'll eat my words.

And whatever else you recommend from the menu.

We're a bit tight for tables, as it goes. Really?

Would it help if I told you I know the proprietor?

Maybe if you took a seat over there, I could have a word with him.

I'm sure he'll be out to dine with you when he has a spare few moments.

Tell him I'll be waiting. Hungry.

I'll ask him to bring you a dish that's extra hot.

But not so hot that you have to make repeated visits to your library bestie loo tomorrow.

This role play has run its course. Yeah, it has.

You serve. I'll see you in a bit. All right.

Mum, how long for the potato curry? Give me a second!

Oh. Lemon looks different, doesn't he?

Lemon? He was supposed to be cooking.

I'm guessing he was awful. Like I predicted.

It was hurtful enough when you used another chef instead of me.

But Lemon! Lemon!

You know what? That does it!

I am fed up of trying to do right by you.

I'm trying to do the right thing. But I can't make a right move by either of you.

You suggested that I do food. Which I've tried to do.

And as for you, you guilted me into letting you cook.

I'm just trying to do the right thing. I don't even want to run Dad's pub, but I'm trying.

Is that good enough for either of you? Oh, no.

Because Queen Natasha and Queen Jayanthican't have Romesh do anything right. I'm done with it! No matter...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Where's your fire extinguisher? How the fuck should I know?

It's in the cupboard! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Colonel Knacker's MasterBlasters. Top-drawer crisps.

Bloody hell, Julie!

I'm fine, I'm fine. My darling, are you all right?

(PANTS)

Thank you, David. You're more than welcome.

Funny story - Don't milk it, mate.

Show's over. Go back to your meals.

You're so rude. He just saved your life!

Oh, shut up.

Absolute idiot.

Round three of the Pimento Crisps fiery food competition.

The chilli pickle poppadum.

That's right, you get stuck in there.

ALL: Eat it! Eat it! A very mild chilli.

Hey, Rom, I just want to check you're OK after the incident last night.

Yes, David, we get it. You're a hero, all right?

Julie, can you get him a pint, please?

Sure. I'll put it on the tab.

Oi! You! You're barred.

You can't keep coming in here and using the toilet without buying a drink.

You should feel flattered. She used to use my loo as her bestie.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Please forgive me. A misunderstanding.

Feel free to come here and take a shit whenever you want.

Make yourself comfortable next to that loser.

Oi, what's up with you?

When it comes to spicy snacks, word of warning.

Next time you go to the toilet, wash your hands first.

I feel like I've got another STD.

I knew they weren't that hot, Lee.

(CHEERING)

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