Original subtitles

Matt, have you seen my earbuds?

- [knocking] - Yeah, it's open.

Hey, have you seen my earbuds? Oh, sorry, sorry.

No worries, man. What's up?

Um, I was just wondering if you'd seen my earbuds.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, man.

- I borrowed them for a run. - [woman moaning on computer]

Thank you. Thanks. Um...

Okay, all right, I gotta go.

Sure you can't stay and hang?

Oh, my God. Um...

I'd love to. I'd love to hang.

I just can't right now 'cause I'm in a play,

and they can't do it without me.

I'm kind of the... I'm the titular role, so...

Oh, that's cool, man. What's it called?

"While John Slept".

What do you mean? He's our brother.

Keep your voice down. He's been through enough.

He has a right to know.

- We have to protect him. - Love you.

- That's what family does. - [toilet flushes]

So it's settled. We decide tomorrow.

Agreed. Brian?

- No. - No?

You think I want to say no?

Like some kind of sick freak?

- Of course not, but... - But nothing!

Did he talk? Did I miss it?

He's just been sleeping.

We decide the day after tomorrow.

I just think they should give him lines.

- Yes. It is. - He's so great with lines.

- Yes. Yes. - Don't you think so, Brookie?

[snoring]

- The day after. - ALL: Yes.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

You were amazing, Cary.

You were asleep the whole time.

- So were you. - It's fine.

Sleeping through plays is classic Brooke.

No, it's not. I just didn't get any sleep last night.

I crashed at a friend's place who just had a baby.

Why do people do that?

Well, you can always crash with me and Chase.

[chuckles] Fuck no!

I mean, no thank you.

Well, Cary, I thought you were incredible.

I really believed you were sleeping.

Thanks, but that big monologue at the top

is why I took the part, so casting directors

could see my range.

Oh, no, we were five minutes late.

- You talked? - Mom.

I'm sorry, the building looked abandoned.

We thought we were in the wrong place, Cary.

Yeah, that is really hurting our attendance.

Sometimes people don't even come

to our night shows, and we just leave.

Well, I'm gonna come back and see your speech.

I'm gonna do a lot of things now that I live here.

This is gonna be my year of yes.

Okay, you don't live here now, Mom.

You're just here for a couple of months.

It's very important to my sanity

that you make that distinction.

Oh, kiss my butt.

What? I'm a New Yorker now!

Hey!

[laughs]

Here we are, home sweet home!

- Whoa. - Can you believe it?

Wait, is this Justin Theroux's apartment?

Yes. How did you know?

Uh, 'cause I'm looking at a huge photo of him.

So I hope it is.

I know it's not as cozy as back home,

but I did get to hang a few things

to kind of warm it up.

Yes, okay, now it feels like Ohio.

How are you guys living here?

Well, Justin's out of town, and Streeter represents him.

- He does? - Yeah, for music.

Oh, which reminds me, Streeter's coming by

in a second with someone from the label.

The grind never stops.

Okay.

Well, if you need us, we are going to be looking

through every drawer in this house.

Yes, each and every one.

It's good.

Wait, so he just kept jerking off?

Yeah, and staring directly into my eyes.

Would a straight guy do that?

Oh, God, Cary, as much as you want this to be real,

you and Matt are not a thing.

I mean, you haven't even hung out outside of the apartment.

Yes, we have.

We arrive home at the same moment all of the time.

[chuckles] Okay, you need to see a therapist.

- You do too. - Well, I already do.

She's my barista, but she really helps.

I'm just gonna ask Matt out on a date.

He's clearly getting more comfortable with me.

If we can just hang out in public together,

he'll see that he can do this.

Oh, Debra.

Wanna get a drink tonight?

Send.

Holy shit.

Why does Justin Theroux have a room in his house

that just has a motorcycle and a sink in it?

[toilet flushes]

This is a toilet.

Color palette's very important as well.

- Yes. - Well, hey, hey, hey.

Brooke. Gay brother.

Shuli Kucerac. Chase's publicist from the label.

Sorry to barge in while you're settling,

but we have an important PR opportunity to discuss.

- It was my idea. - Yeah.

And it's for tonight, so we have no time to waste.

I thought of it.

- Shall we sit? - Yep.

Oh, everyone's moving so fast.

I feel like I'm on "Scandal".

Can I get anyone a snack?

I haven't gone to the store yet,

so I just have whatever's here.

Would anyone like a big vitamin?

Wht don't we just send Chase's assistant out for food?

Ah, assistant, yes, yes, yes.

Well, we have not been able to fill that posish.

Brookie, you don't have a job.

- You should do it. - Fuck no!

I mean, no thank you.

Okay, you know what, let's just dive in.

Okay, so as you may know, we at Principle Records

also work with Yendani.

[gasps] Oh, my God, I love Yendani.

She's such a hot, badass feminist.

She reminds me of me.

Yeah, and I thought... it was my idea...

since Yendani and Chase have new albums coming out

in the next couple of months that they could collaborate.

- Oh, cool. - On a relationship.

So they start dating tonight.

- I'm sorry, what? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's standing by to video conference.

Oh, you're gonna love her. She has 8 million followers.

[chuckles] I mean, this is gonna skyrocket Chase

to the next level.

Oh, Chasey, your first girlfriend.

Ew, Mom, no.

No, Gay Brother, this is how kids meet these days.

They work at the same label, and then they fall in love.

Yeah, get with the times, dork.

[laughs] What a dork.

No, Mom, this is crazy, okay?

That's a full-on fake relationship.

When is Matt gonna text me back?

Well, I can't wait to meet her parents, Mr. and Mrs...?

Oh, she doesn't have a last name.

I mean, well, she did, but it's Irish, so we dropped it.

- Oh. - But look, hey,

this isn't a done deal, Dubeks.

I told Yendani's team that I'd vet this family to make sure

I can't find anything that would hurt her image.

So I need you all to volunteer

anything that you've done that could be damaging.

Okay, well, I think for me, I'm good.

Well, we already did a background check at the label.

This is what we found so far.

[heavy thud]

[dramatic music]

All right, everyone take a seat.

Wait, why does Justin have a church in his house?

And why does the cross have a little foot on it?

Oh, that's a "T" for Theroux,

because Justin believes in himself so much.

Ugh, ew. Can we just go back down to the living room?

No, there's a lot of bad stuff in this binder,

and I don't want Chase to hear.

Now, I want to start with Cary.

Great, yes, I've done a lot of bad things.

Um, when I was 11 years old,

I would get boners in church because one of the altar boys

was super hot, so I would just tuck my dick

up into my belt during communion.

- Cary. - I know which altar boy.

And when was in the eighth grade,

we took a class trip to Water World,

and I purposefully rode the log flume

with my friend Kevin's dad so I could buy

the picture afterwards and masturbate to it.

Oh, honey, did you hear he died?

I did.

And when I was 23, I worked at a hotel

and Christopher Meloni stayed there,

and one day he went out to the pool,

so I snuck into his room and smelled his underwear.

But then he returned to a different room,

so I don't know whose underwear I smelled.

Oh, my God. Cary, let me cut to the chase.

Ooh, we should trademark that, my God.

I meant things I could find online.

You just described three private, sad moments.

How would I find those things?

Oh.

Then...

I'm just kidding.

You know what, I didn't find anything bad on you.

- Good. - You can go do your little play.

But, Cary, please have sex.

I'm trying.

I know something bad that I did online.

Good luck, babe.

Beth Kellogg from church

is always posting photos of these ducks in her yard.

So one night, I did have a little glass of wine,

I commented, "Enough with the ducks,"

and then I unfriended her.

I already had to change churches,

and now I'm so worried it's gonna ruin Chase's career.

Awww, that is absolutely not in this binder.

Ah.

Every single thing in here

is about Brooke.

- Oh. - Excuse me?

No, my whole thing is smart, young progressive.

So I don't know what you think you found,

but... was it my Gchats?

- Nope. - Oh, then I'm golden. Come at me.

You used the word "retarded" on Twitter

no less than 56 times.

I mean, are we sure that was me?

Your first tweet was, "Twitter is retarded.

Come at me".

Ooh.

Well, that was a long time ago.

Now I'm a social justice warrior.

People on Twitter always tell me

I'm a classic white feminist.

That's not good.

- And we deleted that account. - What?

I also deleted photos of you from Halloween

- as Terri Schiavo. - What?

Okay, I went as Terri Schiavo before,

and then I happened to pass out at the party.

Okay, shall I continue?

Well, if you have anything else.

Let's talk about your LiveJournal.

Oh, no.

What do you mean?

He's our brother.

Keep your voice down. He's been through enough.

- He has a right to know. - No, we have to protect him.

- [cell phone buzzes] - That's what family does.

So it's settled.

We decide tomorrow.

Agreed. Brian?

- No. - No?

You think I want to say no?

Like some kind of sick freak?

- Of course not, but... - But nothing!

We decide the day after tomorrow.

And finally, your Venmo account.

Okay, what could I possibly have done wrong on Venmo?

Every time you pay Cary for anything,

you write that it's for "slamming that puss".

- Brooke. - Well, okay.

That is just sibling humor.

We deleted that account too.

- [sighs] - And that's it.

Really? I'm okay?

Well, karmically, you need to do some soul searching.

- Yeah. - Optically, we're fine.

- Okay. - All right.

Let's call Yendani, people.

This is gonna be so romantic.

[beep]

Hi, Yendani.

Hey, Chase.

Okay, kids, so tonight

we'll start off with Instagram live,

and then tomorrow I have you on the red carpet

for the Hot 97 Summer Jam.

Oh, my God, I love Summer Jam.

Okay, one year I got so drunk, and I went home with this guy,

but I was dating somebody else,

and so I waited until he was asleep to kiss him.

That way it wasn't cheating.

- [laughs] - That's sexual assault.

Oh, oh. No, no, you're confused.

I'm a girl, and he just wasn't awake.

And I kissed him, so...

Yeah, no, that's sexual assault.

You know, you make a great point, Yendani,

and we're gonna take a break and just think about that.

So...

Okay, we're on mute now.

So everybody keep smiling and don't move your lips,

'cause this is very bad.

Am I doing it? Are my lips moving?

Oh, I gotta get those pictures.

Who do I gotta suck? Who do I gotta fuck?

There are no pictures.

Did he wake up and file a report?

No, he doesn't know. Like, nobody knows.

Oh, nobody knows?

Okay, ooh.

- Oh, okay. - Who gives a shit?

Okay, we're fine. We're fine.

No, we're not fine.

Yendani said it. I committed sexual assault.

- But no one knows. - But I know.

And strong, powerful women

like me and Yendani,

we don't do stuff like this.

I have to go tell him.

Someone DVR "Real Housewives of Atlanta" for me.

I don't think Justin has DVR.

Damn it.

- This again? - You left.

Not me, not Todd.

- You. - [phone buzzing]

He just got back from Afghanistan.

- Let him sleep. - He has a right to know.

- Hello. - Hey, I need you to leave

so we can stop the show.

What? Now? I'm really enjoying it.

- Listen, I have a date. - Oh, my God.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. I'm on it.

Oh, but you have to work my shift tomorrow.

I have to break up with somebody,

and it's gonna take all day.

Whatever, fine, yes. Okay.

We'll decide the day after tomorrow.

- Yes. - Ohh! [gasping]

Oh, my God, something bit me.

Something has bitten me,

and I would love to stay and watch the rest,

but something bit me, and so I have to go.

Okay, okay.

Well, I guess that's it for the show tonight.

Oh, darn, I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Wait, what if we did this one just for us?

- Eww, no. - No, Todd.

Go home to your kid.

She's six days old.

Friends? No.

I assaulted you. I assaulted you.

I assault...

Cookbrooke! Ahhh!

What's up, guys? I'm here with my girl, Yendani,

and I love her so much.

And we love all you fans out there.

- This is the best night ever. - [cheering]

Yeah, so I said blinker? I hardly know her.

[laughter]

You know what, uh... you know what's also funny?

Uh, Matt only has, like, three pairs of socks,

so he's always needing to wear mine.

He's probably wearing my socks right now.

- Isn't that so funny? - [scattered laughter]

I mean, he's right. I am, yeah.

Oh, hey, you guys want to play Skee-Ball?

- Yeah, let's freaking do it. - Yeah, let's go.

[rock music]

And you were sleeping, and...

I kissed you.

Dope.

No, Lance. Not dope.

You didn't give consent.

It's all good. I would have.

Lance, focus, okay?

I'm sorry.

I assaulted you. That is not okay.

And more importantly, it's just not who I am.

Yeah, it is.

Come on, you do crazy shit like this all the time.

This is classic Brooke.

Wait, what?

Ohh.

"What makes your relationship so strong?"

We just respect each other's needs.

And each other's work, including our albums,

- which are out later this year. - Yes, yes, yes.

But we both love ice cream.

BOTH: Ice cream! Ice cream!

[sighs]

I asked you out, just you and me.

What the shit is...

Hey, what's up?

I'm having fun. This is fun.

I gotta piss so hard. [chuckles]

- [urine tinkling] - Whoo-whoo!

[Matt groans]

- You wanna get out of here? - Yes. Yeah.

Finally, yes, yes.

Party at our place, guys!

- [cheering] - BYOB, baby!

Okay, what else? What else is Classic Brooke?

- Um, she's hot, she's cool. - Yes, Classic Brooke.

She's fun. She loves to party.

You know, in moderation. Sure, Classic Brooke.

She has always got deodorant on the outside of her clothing.

No, that is not Classic Brooke. Next.

Doesn't brush her teeth.

Well, no, not at night. I wanna go to sleep.

- Next. - She lies for fun.

She steals from Starbucks. She never drinks water.

- She falls asleep during plays. - Okay, no, no, no, no.

I don't... no. I want to stop.

Let's just stop.

Brooke Who's Talking, are you okay?

I don't know.

I don't know what I am.

How are you?

- I'm pretty good. - Yeah?

I left the Foot Locker.

- You did? - Yeah.

I got this amazing job at this new startup,

and I have a new shoe idea.

Okay, it's like a regular shoe,

but it has this little baby drawer in the sole

that you can put all of your change in.

So you just, like, hear coins when you walk around?

Hell, yeah. It's like how everybody's always talking

about how they want to look like a million bucks.

But now you can also sound like a dollar.

Wow. That's a great idea, Lance.

You know, being single has kind of given me

this opportunity to really concentrate on myself

and move forward.

Well, that's cool.

Yeah, I'm... I'm moving forward too.

You know, I... I didn't want to brag,

but I'm, uh, I'm living in SoHo at Justin Theroux's house.

- "Lego Ninjago!" - Yeah.

- Are you kidding? - Yeah.

And I got a job as an assistant

for a really famous singer, so, you know,

I'm just, like, working all the time,

being responsible.

I'm just... I'm being Classic Brooke.

So anyway, I gotta go.

What, you don't wanna stay and hang out?

I can't, Lance. I'm a businesswoman now.

I'm watching "Real Housewives of Atlanta".

Damn it.

- [laughter] - Right?

Oh, yo, should I fire up the Wii?

Hell yeah, I don't have work tomorrow.

- Yeah, baby! - All night!

Cakes and eggs!

You guys can sleep over too, you know?

Cary's room, the couch, whatever.

- Oh, yeah, we got taquitos. - Oh, no!

- [thud] - Ow.

Oh! Ow!

Oh! Ah!

Ow, ow, ow.

Yo, bro, you all right?

- Oh, yeah, now... - Jeez.

I didn't mean to hit my face. I mean, ow, ow.

Hey, guys, think you better bounce.

I gotta take care of my roomie here.

I think you guys should bounce.

Yeah, I am so sorry.

Oh, I know, I know. Next time.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Come on, just give me all your weight.

Okay.

Oh, boy, you are light. You're like my sister.

Thank you.

Holy shit.

Oh, honey, can you please turn off the lights?

Mom?

Why are you sleeping by a pool?

Justin only has one bedroom

but three saunas.

Oh, well, you gotta try new things,

and this is my year of yes.

Yeah, you keep saying that.

Oh, how was Chase's big date?

- They broke up. - No.

Yendani got an offer

to start dating Millie Bobby Brown tomorrow.

- What about Chase? - He's gonna wear glasses.

Shuli's calling it Glasses Saturday.

No, I mean, is he okay?

Oh, I'm sure he's fine.

That's just how the kids date these days.

Okay.

Well, I just wanted to let you know

that I've decided to be Chase's assistant.

Oh, Brookie and Chasey.

Yeah, but only until I figure out what it is

that I really want to do.

Also, I'm gonna crash here.

- Yay, roomies! - Okay, just for now.

So I guess I'll

find a place to sleep.

I know, I should get some shut-eye, too.

I have so many meetings this week.

- With who? - Oh, anyone that wants one.

[chuckles] Okay.

Good night, Mom.

Good night.

I'm so happy you're home, Brookie.

[gentle music]

[sighs] Perfect.

How you doing, buddy?

I'm all right, thanks.

Here you go.

Weird, I am so hard right now.

[chuckles]

Oh, whoa, whoa.

Don't wanna hurt your lip.

But I guess you could...

BOTH: This is good. I like this.

'Sup, fam? Just thought we owed it to you

to explain what happened.

Sometimes two people can love each other

and still not be right for each other.

But I'll always love ChaseDreams.

Like and comment on his Insta if you want to.

Oh, my God go to Hell's Kitchen,

you'll find plenty of colorful underwear.

But how do I get to Hell's Kitchen from here?

[techno music]

Hello and welcome to The Other Show.

My name is Chris Kelly and this is?

I'm Sarah Schneider.

And we're here to talk about episode 3

which is "Chase Gets a Girlfriend".

Yes.

We have Drew, Helene and Ken Marino.

- Hello. - [Sarah And Chris] Hi, Ken.

Hi, Ken.

- Hi! - Hi!

Hi!

Ew.

This is already the most annoying...

What do you mean?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Whatever... [laughing]

People, somebody just clicked away.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey. - Brooke. Gay brother.

We have an important PR opportunity to discuss.

- It was my idea. - Yeah.

And it's for tonight so we have no time to waste.

I thought of it.

Right out the gate, this is very cheesy

to say to your face.

But we were big fans of yours for a while,

I mean since we were like three or four.

- We just loved you. - [group laughs]

Some of the first words I said were Ken Marino.

No, but we have just loved you and everything

and we were so excited when you were...

willing to take a coffee to talk about this show.

We did have a coffee and talked about the show.

We're on mute now so everybody keep smiling

and don't move your lips... [laughs nervously]

cause this is very bad.

- Am I doing it? - Are my lips moving?

Oh, I gotta get those pictures.

Who do I gotta suck, who do I gotta [bleep]?

When we met with you, you already kind of had like,

- a lot of ideas for this character. - I did?

You pitched us immediately that he had

two empty jacuzzis at his home

and a lazy river that ram between them.

But he had to run out of money to fill them,

so they were just empty.

So the whole season, he's dealing with the permits

and he never gets it.

Ultimately he wasted a lot of money on it,

and he's never gonna be able to fill it with water.

So when watching the show just know that

the character of Streeter, we never mention it

but he is dealing with a lot of permitting issues.

Lot of permitting issues.

I can't talk right now, his neck is bound.

What?

Yeah I'm just trying to keep his Adam's apple

under control, gotta keep that neck looking young and slick.

The character does a lot of things that are a little...

rough to a child, like in the previous episode.

His binding his neck, keeping his Adam's apple down.

- Bleaches his tongue. - He's making it pinker.

And so, but we were trying to find the balance of

someone who could...

sell that comedy without being

"holy shit what is happening to this child".

Well, I hope that works out.

- I guess we'll see. - I don't know we'll see.

See what the critics say.

See if America turns on you.

His face is kind enough to hurt a child. [laughs]

Yeah, that's what we were looking for.

Oh, kiss my butt.

What? I'm a New Yorker now, hey! [laughs]

I think when we were talking in the room

we thought it was funny cause,

the day that Chase Dreams lands into your key

immediately moves into Justin Theroux's penthouse.

And how ridiculous that is, in comparison to like

how we probably all lived when we moved there when we were 19?

I moved to New York when I was 22, right after college

and I saved up.

And within 10 minutes of being there,

two people walked up to me, at gun point

and stole all of my things.

Completely robbed me, stole all of my suitcases.

And so then, I called my dad and he was like

"We will never tell your mother about this".

Cause she was so terrified that I was moving to New York.

So we just never told my mom about it.

I've been mugged, I was mugged.

- You have been mugged? - I was too, yeah.

Is everybody getting mugged?

I've been mugged, when I was in college

I went away for Thanksgiving and came back

and my house had been emptied.

Like literally the washer and dryer was gone,

- it was like the Grinch. - What?

- [laughs] - [Sarah] It was very intense.

But they did leave one DVD which had a message

and the DVD was "You got served".

- Wow, that's good. - That's good.

Is that funny, cause I'd have laughed at that.

That's pretty good.

Well, maybe I should've been robbed.

I was trying to buy Dave Matthews' band tickets...

[laughs]

I was, I have the tickets and I was like

"Okay, I want them" because I have bad taste in music.

So I put them in my pocket and I turned around

and was walking away.

And I looked down and it was for like, two days before.

It was like the wrong ticket.

I ran after him and he hopped the turnstile

so I stood at the turnstile and was like...

[yells] "He's robbed me".

And everyone just looked at him a got out of his way.

- Did he even look back? - No! No, no, no, nothing.

What he left and I got "you got served" DVD.

[laughs]

Can you believe it?

Wait is this Justin Theroux's apartment?

Yes! How did you know?

Uh, because I'm looking at a huge photo of him,

so I hope it is.

I'm curious about how you picked the Justin Theroux photo.

- Which is like there's something... - There's like pubes in it.

- Actually... - There were pubes,

but then we had to take the pubes out.

- Take the pubes down. - The pubes were taken down.

So we had to tamp down the pubes.

- Tamp down pubes, classic. - [laughs]

But I'm hoping like, when it airs in Comedy Central

there's no pubes. But then if you watch it on iTunes,

we have so many [bleep] pubes popping out there.

[crosstalk]

- We have pubes for everyone. - Yeah!

Oh, no! Ow!

Ow!

Ow, ow, ow!

Yo, bro, you all right?

- Oh, yeah, no... - Jeez.

I didn't mean to hit my face. I mean... Ow, ow!

I, when I was in college, was flirting with a guy

and weirdly it was like a thing for girls to like,

let guys know they were like flexible.

I went to theaters school when I was a dancer,

I did splits at so many parties being like...

"This is crazy! I can just fall into this".

I was a virgin.

I was talking to a guy and to that point

tried to do a high kick, as you do.

In no long conversation and I kicked so hard,

that I kicked my other foot out from under me

and landed on my back in the middle of the quad.

- What? - It impressed him.

I've definitely learned too many John Mayer songs on the guitar.

- Oof. - Oh, my God.

Cut! Cut!

Let's finish it.

Well, thank you for watching.

This has been another episode of The Other Show.

And we'll see you next week.

- Do a kick. - [laughs]

- What? Are you impressed? - She is flexible.

Woah! Marry me.

[Techno Music]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0