All language subtitles for The Neighborhood s01e14 Welcome to the Yard Sale.eng

Oh, baby,
look what's in this box.

It's all of Marty and Malcolm's
old school projects.

[chuckles]

I remember staying
up all night

helping Malcolm build
this volcano. [laughs]

You know we even got spaghetti
sauce to shoot out the top?

Aw, I remember.

And Marty scraped it
off the walls with garlic bread.

[clicks tongue]Those were some good
memories, weren't they?

Yeah.
Real good memories.

Ah, it's trash.

How could you just
throw that away?

Those were some special memories
of Malcolm.

Why we need memories?

The real thing is laying
on our couch right now.

Ha ha!

Look at this, baby,
my old beeper.

You know, I remember
when you used to blow me up

whenever you wanted
a little late-night booty call.

I never had your beeper number.

Well, look at that. You know
what? This ain't even my beeper.

Trash. Yep. Let's go.

Ooh, ahoy, Captain Calvin!

Hey, Dave.

Just getting my daily steps in.

Well, you can get in a bunch
more if you just keep walking.

You know, I am actually
a few steps short.

Good.

Uh, Dave, Dave, Dave, stop that.

You're making me dizzy.
Stop circling me.

Yeah, no problem.
I'll go the other way.

Whoa.

You throwing
all this stuff out?

Yeah, it's just
a bunch of trash.

Well, maybe to you,
but not to everyone.

You know what?

You should have a yard sale.

A yard sale?

In this neighborhood?
I don't think so.

[chuckles] Why, what's wrong
with our neighborhood?

Oh, nothing. Nothing. There's
a lot of good people here.

You know, hardworking,
God-fearing,

and I wouldn't trust
a single one of them.

And I don't want
to waste my time

with a bunch of people
trying to hustle me

so I can make a few bucks.

Hustle you? Oh, come on,
Calvin, that's crazy.

Oh. You want
to hear some crazy? Okay.

You see that
house down there?

They claimed Malcolm
and Marty on their taxes

six years straight.

And see those wires
hanging from there?

That guy is stealing the
other family's cable.

But they're running
an illegal day care,

so they can't say nothing
about it.

Oh, man, I thought
that was a beauty salon.

Oh, yeah, they do that, too.

Look, man,

everybody around here's
just trying to get by.

I just don't want them
getting by on me.

Well, I guess that's how
you and I are different, Calvin.

I choose to believe that
the world isn't out to get me.

[chuckles]:
Okay. You come see me

once you find out Grover
cosigned for a motorcycle.

[laughs]:
Yard sale.

All right, man. I will
tell you, you know,

last yard sale I had,
I cleared a cool grand.

Hold on, hold up.

You made 1,000 bucks?

Oh, yeah. That's right.

Well, ahoy, Dave.

[chuckles]

'Cause I know my crap's got
to be worth more than your crap.

I'm having me a yard sale.

Well, you know, I'm
happy to help out.

Well, thank you.

And in return,
I'm gonna do you a solid.

You see that extension cord
running from your attic window?Yeah.

You're supplying the power
to the day care.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood.

Ooh, this is gonna be great.
I can't wait to meet

more of our neighbors.Me, neither.
Especially the ones

named Benjamin,
Washington and Jackson.

All right, Pop.

Here you go. Good luck
with your yard sale, bro.

Hold on, whoa.
Where are you going?

I was going to the library.

Oh, no. No, you and Marty
are in charge of security.

What?

Well, what's it pay?

Room and board.

Fine, I'll start today.

Do I get a weapon?Sure. Yeah.

Here's a whistle

and a wooden spoon.

Don't be afraid
to use them.

Oh, great, Pop.
If a bowl of soup

tries to steal
something, I'm ready.[chuckles]

Hey, you guys.
We picked you up some coffee

and a dozen doughnuts.

Uh, 9 3/4 doughnuts.

See, I told you he was too quiet

in the back of the car.True.

But way to use your fractions.

Hey, hey, look what I found.

A box full of kitchen gadgets

from all those
late-night infomercials.

[chuckles]:
I remember that stuff.

Whenever that commercial
said "act now,"

your mama did.

I had to. Supplies
were limited.

[chuckles] Marty, put all
that stuff on the dollar table.All right.

Oh, no, no, no,
no. Uh-uh-uh.

You're not selling my
infomercial stuff.

Put that box back
where you found it.

Okay.Come on, Tina.

You've never used
any of this junk.

It's not junk.

And I haven't used
any of it yet.

Marty.

Okay.Marty.

Marty.

Martin Lawrence Butler.

It's not about you,
it's about them.

It's not about you,
it's about them.Boy, give me this box!

There's some good
stuff in here.

Like-like-like this thingy.

Oh, my God, is that
a Choppy Chopper?

I've always wanted
to try one of these.

Finally someone who appreciates
my infomercial instincts.

You never even
tried it yourself.

Well, that all changes
today. Let's go to my house

and choppity-chop something.

Okay, Gemma. Let's go.

Don't wait up.

Well, enjoy that toaster,
my man.

[chuckles]

Looks like somebody
got some new teeth.

Hey, Shanice.

You know what, this will make
a great baby bassinet.

You add a few bungee cords,
you got you a car seat.

Throw some sandwiches in there,

you going to a picnic.
Hmm? Look.

Calvin, this is
the best yard sale

I have ever been to.

I've met so many
fantastic people.

Did you know that Anita
was in the Peace Corps?

Or that Mr. Dorsett
just retired from teaching

after 50 years?

A-And Germaine

with the face tattoo?
He says if anybody asks,

that he has been here
all day.

You know, I've
actually been having

a pretty good time, myself.Uh-huh.

I sold everything
on table two,

and then I sold table two.

Oh, oh, man! Well,
what's your secret?

Watch and learn.

Hey, you know,
just so you know,

this grill used to
belong to Tupac.

Yeah, he made a
hell of a rib eye.

You know, one time
he had a barbecue,

and he didn't invite
Biggie, and...

Well, you know the rest.

Oh, okay.

[chuckles]

Ah!

[chuckles]:
Calvin, what're you doing?

You just lied to that guy
for money.

Well, yeah. I mean, I wouldn't
lie to him for no reason.

That would be messed up.

Uh, hey, Marty.

What is with
the sunglasses, bro?

It's a little security
trick I picked up

so nobody can see
where I'm looking.

Right now I got my eye
on that guy over there

licking the
nine-volt batteries.

You know, that's nothing.

A minute ago he was licking
the sewing machine.

Yeah, I better go
shut that down.

Hey, man! Store policy:
you lick it, you buy it.

How you doing,
Miss Simpson?

Well, I'm still
above ground, ain't I?

[chuckles]

Listen, how much y'all want
for this porcelain angel?

Well, you know, there's a very
special story about this angel.

When...Cut the crap.

I'll give you
three dollars for it.

[chuckles] How about
four dollars?

How about two dollars?

Okay. Fine, two dollars.

Okay.
Here's a dollar.

You know this is
a Canadian dollar.

Oh, this is awesome.[laughs]

This is so much fun.
What else can we choppity-chop?

Okay, we've done the fruits,
we've done the vegetables.

Oh, wait, what's this?

I chopped your kitchen sponge.

I get it. Once you start,
you can't stoppity-stop.

[both laugh]Let's try another gadget.

What's next?Okay.

Depends upon what
you're in the mood for.

Mm-hmm.Okay, we've got
our hard-boiled egg sheller.

Oh.Or we have

a bear claw meat shredder.

And we have this
thing that makes

pancakes in the shapes
of presidents.[gasps]

Oh, it only goes up to Reagan.

Well, it was the '80s.

You just throw
a little maple syrup on it,

and boom! We got Obama. Huh?

Cal! Calvin!

You are not gonna
believe this.What?

I thought that one of your
statuettes looked familiar,

so I went inside
to go look it up

in my guide to antique dolls
and figurines.

Gemma's guide to antique dolls
and figurines.

Look, the point is

it is a genuine Montolfo

worth $1,500.

$1,500? Well, all right!

Which one is it?Oh.

Here you go, look. Right there.
It's the porcelain angel.

The porcelain angel?

[groans]

Ah!

You were right.

Your crap
is way better than mine.

You sold
a $1,500 Montolfo angel

for one dollar?

A Canadian dollar.

You see, Dave,
this is exactly why

I didn't want to
do a yard sale.

I didn't want to be hustled.

She didn't hustle you.
She made an honest mistake.

And I'm sure if we go talk
to Miss Simpson,

she'll give the angel
back to you.

If you believe that she's
gonna give me something back

worth $1,500,

then I've got Snoop Dogg's
humidifier to sell you.

Okay, well, you're never
gonna get it if you don't try.

[sighs] Fine. Come on, man.

Hey, boys, look,

Dave and I are leaving,
so I'm promoting you

from security to sales.

You get to keep
half of whatever you sell.

Wait, wait, wait, Pop. But all
the good stuff is gone, man.

I know. That's why
you're getting half.

[laughs] Malcolm!

Congratulations, brother.

Yeah, for what?

Well, this is
your first promotion.

That's very funny.

You know, we should just
throw all this crap away, man.

Nobody gonna buy any of it.

Here's six dollars.
I just sold a broken cell phone.

What? Wait, hey.

How'd you do that?

I was just pretending
to talk to Batman on it.

Some lady said I was cute
and bought it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Just because you were cute?

I get that a lot.

I can't believe it.
All of these TV gadgets

actually worked the way
they were supposed to.I know.

And Calvin was giving me
a hard time.

These things were worth
every easy payment of $19.99.

But wait, there's more!

These kitchen knives
can filet a salmon,

slice a soda can
and even cut through handcuffs.

I wish I had known that
on Valentine's Day

when Calvin lost the key.

Wait a minute.
Do you smell smoke?

Are the pancakes burning?

Maybe we forgot to flip Nixon.

No, no, no.
Tricky Dick is looking good.

[crackling][both shrieking]

It's my super slick,
non-stick panini press!

Oh, oh, okay.Wait. Wait. Don't wet it.

Don't wet it too much![overlapping yelling]

GEMMA: Get out of the way. Okay.TINA: Hit it. Hit it.

Thanks again for letting us
try these at your house.

What am I gonna do with a
30-year-old fax machine?

And is that beef jerky
jammed in it?

[laughing]:
Oh, yeah.

Oh. Well,
I-I was six years old

and I tried to fax it
to my brother at camp.

[laughs]

Uh, you know, hey, I'm sorry,
[clears throat] little guy.

Looks like you're gonna have to
wait just a little while longer

to get those, um, eyeglasses.

Yeah, man, the headaches
should go away soon.

It's okay. I understand.

Oh, no.
Oh. No. No.

Excuse me, sir.

Here's a ten.

Get that boy some glasses.

[chuckles]
Yes, ma'am.Bless you.

Bless you.God bless you.

How was that?

That was perfect.
Give me some.

Yes. Now, how do we unload
this one Rollerblade?

Huh. Oh, hey,
can you cry on cue?

[crying]:
What do you think?

Oh-ho, I think we
gonna get paid.

I have to tell you,
Miss Simpson,

you have a lovely home.Yes.

Love the plastic
on the couch.

No crumbs in your cracks.

You have to forgive him.

This is only the second
black home he's been in.

The first one didn't
want him either.

So, actually, we're here
because Calvin has

something to tell you about the
angel that you bought from him.

Isn't that right, Calvin?

Well, spit it out.

Unless you got something else
to say about my cracks.

[couch crinkling]Oh, oh. Okay.

Um... now, I'm gonna be
straight with you.

When I first sold you
that angel figurine,

I didn't realize how valuable

it is...

to... our family,
and no one else.

Really, Calvin?

Yes.

It-it was given
to my grandfather

by a cranky old white lady

he used to drive around
down south.

Now, she was a real
piece of work.

She was...

but they grew to
respect each other in the end.

That sounds just like that movie
Driving Miss Daisy.

Really?

I never seen it.

At any rate, I'm, uh...

I'm willing to buy
the angel back...

for $20.

$20? Good.
I'll get it for you.

Okay.

Good.

I cannot believe
that you lied to her.

I know. I've seen that
movie, like, three times.

Okay, so Dad gets half.

Which means we get to
split the rest.

[chuckles] This is not
a bad Saturday.

I mean, I can almost
pay Mom and Dad some rent.

[laughs]
I'm not.

But I could.

And, Grover, here is a whole

ten dollars.MALCOLM: Yeah, hey, little man,

we could not have
done this without you.Yeah.

I know, which is why
I want more.

Uh, more?

Yeah, like, how much more?

Uh, 50 sounds good.

What?
Are you out of your rabbit-ass mind?!

I sold everything
you told me to.

I even let those old ladies mess
my hair and pinch my cheeks.

And you think that's
worth $50?

I pretended to be blindfor you.

Malcolm, pay the boy.

Nice try.

This one's Canadian.

Well, that was
one hell of a mess.

Oh, you should have
tried cleaning it up

with the super-absorbent
Sponge-O-Matic.

I did, but after one minute
it started to burn.

I think my thumbprints are gone.

Ugh.
You know,

I hate to say it,
but Calvin was right.

I don't know why I was
so determined to hold on

to all that junk.

Don't beat yourself
up about it.

You're not the only one
who holds on to stuff.

Damn, that's one ugly-ass baby!

Hey, that's Grover.

I paid an artist on Etsy
to capture him on a plate.

You actually spent money
on a Grover plate?

No. I spent money on
a complete setof Grover plates.

Oh, Gemma, these are bad.

I mean,
these are really bad.

Yeah, I know.

Well, you know what it's like
when you're a new mom.

You're sleep-deprived.

I would just order stuff
on Etsy and eBay.

Yeah, I bought all that stuff
off those infomercials

doing my late-night feedings
with my boys.

Oh, man, those first
few months were so brutal.

Ugh.I was exhausted all the time.

Constantly changing diapers.

Covered in spit-up.

[chuckles]
It never stopped.

I am so glad that's all
behind me.

So am I.

But, God, I miss it.

Me, too.

He may have looked like this,
but he smelled like heaven.

Oh... And I miss

Marty and Malcolm's
little toes. Oh...

Now they just have big,
smelly man feet.

Mm.

You know,

maybe I kept all that kitchen
crap because it connects me

to when the boys were little.

Maybe that's why I can't
bring myself to get rid of

these ceramic nightmares.

What's up, ladies?

[door closes]

Anyone wanna see me
make it rain?

Grover!

What...?Oh, no.

You know what?

You might want to have
another one

just in case that one goes bad.

I see you looking
at me, Dave.

And it's not gonna work.

I've already forgiven me.

You know what, Calvin,
you were right.

This neighborhood is full
of scammers and slicksters.

And I'm looking at
the biggest one right now.

I'm sorry, did you
say something?

I was already spending
my angel money in my head.

Well, you know, since I'm
a part of this neighborhood now,

I'm gonna get in on the action.

What are you doing?

I'm stealing from her,
like I learned from you.

[sighs]

Come on, man, put it back.

No. You know what,
as a matter of fact,

I'm taking this
remote control, too.

Have fun standing up to change
your channels, old lady.

Look, stop playing, man.

Old ladies keep guns.

Give it here. Hey...

What the hell are y'all doing?

Oh, nothing.

What's that in your pocket?

Nothing.

Are you trying to steal
from me?

That's it, I'm calling
my grandson Jay-Bo.

He's only got one strike.

Whoa. [stammers]

Please, please don't do that.

Look, he was only trying to
get me to do the right thing

and tell you that that angel...

was a valuable antique
worth $1,500.

Yes, and he has seen Driving Miss Daisy.

$1,500?

Yeah. Look, sorry for not
being up front with you,

but... seeing
that I have now,

because I'm a good person,

what do you say
we split it?

Well, $750 is a lot of money.

[chuckles]:
It sure is.

Now, would you see that.

When you give people
the chance...

But $1,500 is a lot more.

Now, y'all get up out of here.

What?
What?

You heard me, beat it.

But, Miss Simpson,
he just told you the truth.

I know, and that's why
I'm giving you

a five-second head start
before I get my pistol.

Okay, hold--
But, Miss Simpson,

I think...Four, three...

Okay, Dave, let's go.
Go, go, go, go, go!

I feel like a fool.

I'm listening.

I honestly thought
if we told her the truth,

that she would do
the right thing.

Well, actually, she did
do the right thing.

I mean, in this
neighborhood,

a five-second head start
is verygenerous.

Well, you know, maybe
she really needed the money.

For medicine, food, rent.

Keep dreaming, Dave.

Because come Sunday,

she is on a church
bus to Vegas.

Well, you know, in that case,
I don't feel so bad.

About what?

I still got her clock.

Well, give it here,

because I paid $1,500
for this thing.

JAY-BO:
Yo, man!

You got my grandma's clock!

BOTH:
Jay-Bo?

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