Original subtitles

Oh, not you again.

Honey, now that you're up, rub my tushy so I can go back to sleep.

Oh, Peg.

How come nobody ever rubs my tushy?

Well, I'll tell you what. This weekend, you mow it, I'll rub it.

Oh, Al, it just doesn't feel right.

Well, maybe I'm rubbing against the grain.

Know what would really help me go to sleep?

Yes, Peg, but I don't think we can get Dr. Kevorkian on such short notice.

No, Al.

Tell me a story.

Oh, all right.

Once upon a time there was a princess named Peggy.

I like this one.

She had everything.

Beauty, charm, breeding, inbreeding.

A huge fat mother. Everything a little girl could want.

Then one day she married a prince.

Bonny Prince Al.

- Were they happy? - Not at first.

But then she brought over four of her best girlfriends...

...with the most luscious hooters you ever saw.

The princess went into a deep, deep sleep...

...and Al and the eight hooters lived happily ever after.

Don't you worry, guys.

No matter what he says, he still loves you.

Tell them that you do, Al.

They know I do, Peg. It's you I have the problem with.

Now I'm all tense.

But I know what you could do to make me drowsy.

Oh, no.

Not that, Al. That only puts you to sleep.

Could you go down and get me a nice warm glass of milk?

But hurry back, honey. You know I can't sleep without you.

It's always your tushy, your milk.

Your stinking orgasm.

What about me? How come I don't get no tushy rub?

If there is one desirable tushy in this house...

...it's the one right behind me.

Hey, this is all right.

Well, it's darn relaxing.

How come I spend so much time like this...

...when this is right around the corner?

Hey, wait a second.

I've got two hands.

Oh, good night, folks.

Hi, Daddy.

You know, you're twice as talented as Michael Jackson...

...because he only uses one hand.

Well, that's great. Now I won't fall asleep again.

Guess I'll try what I learned from my dad when I was a kid.

Counting hooters.

Two, four, six...

Eight. Oh, no, now, wait a minute. It's twins.

Twelve, fourteen...

- Are you gonna come inside? - No.

Oh, I get it. You want me right here, right now, on the floor.

Hell no.

Well, why'd you walk me to my door, then?

Because it was the only way to get you out of my car.

Dad, did you see that?

No.

Did you see this?

- No. - Good.

- Well, good night, son. - Good night.

Hey, son. Son?

Always remember...

...you've got two hands.

Thanks, Dad. I'll be needing them.

Yeah, yeah, kids are great.

They bring you so much pleasure.

That's why a man should always have a dog.

Buck, boy, bring me my slippers, boy.

That's all right, boy. You don't owe me anything.

Just your worthless, stinking one-step- from-being-gassed-in-the-pound life.

All right, back to hooters.

Thirty, thirty-two, thirty-four, thirty-six...

All right, Peg.

- Hey, hey, hey! - Hey, hey now!

Hey, you're not my wife.

What are you doing with my TV?

Nothing as bad as you were doing with my butt.

Now, don't look for trouble, mister.

Just shut up and sit down.

This stuff ain't worth losing your life over.

Hey, this is my house.

I don't let the bank in here and they own the place.

Don't you take another step.

Sic him, boy.

Why don't you try to be as smart as your dog, buddy.

I've tried.

It doesn't work.

And this is a really remarkable story about a totally unremarkable man.

A ruthless intruder broke into his shabby home in search of loot...

...but instead found one brave shoe salesman...

...who, for all of us, finally said, "No more."

And that man is Al "the Defender" Bundy.

Hey, Mom, you think Dad can make money off this whole thing?

Honey, you heard what your father said to the press.

This was an act of pure heroism.

Not to be cheapened by crass commercialism.

And you know your father's word is as good as his breath.

Yes, yes, yes.

I am an American hero.

And in the grand tradition of American heroes...

...I will hawk more products than Bill Cosby.

When he was hot.

That could be the JelI-O pudding people.

Oh, wait. What if it's a burglar?

Then I'll answer it with this:

Wait a second. Burglars don't ring doorbells.

What if it's somebody for charity?

Answer it with this.

Hey, Al. I saw you on television.

But how can I put this delicately?

You were as dull as women's golf.

Well, but... Look...

...I know that you're looking for endorsements, you know.

But, I mean, let's face the facts.

You're limited by your coarse and common look. So...

...we tell the advertisers that I'm Al Bundy.

What company wouldn't want me as their spokesman?

I've got it all. I'm the total package.

I'm non-threatening, superficial...

I am the '90s, babe.

Look, I even fit better with your family.

You see how I can make anything look better?

Oh, Al. Take a picture.

Mom will be so happy.

Oh, hello, officer. Did you mistake our house for a doughnut shop?

Obviously not.

There's only one of me.

You cops.

Mr. Bundy, the guys down at the station think you're great.

In fact, we've ripped up all your parking tickets.

And we're covering up that little incident down at the nudie bar.

But we got some bad news for you.

That burglar got out on bail and he says he's coming to get you.

Ah, let him come. I'm not afraid of him.

I took him when he had a crowbar, I'll take him now.

What kind of weapon has he got this time, a gun?

More deadly.

A lawyer.

He says you attacked him.

He's suing you for $50,000.

Peg?

Peg, I'm ready for court.

- Where are the kids? - They're upstairs.

Honey, they have a surprise for you.

Kids! Come down and show Daddy!

Kids, you don't know what this means to me.

You never said that in public before.

What do these things say, anyway?

What difference does it make?

The important thing is it's gonna get us cars.

Well, now, kids, that won't come until after the trial.

But don't worry about it.

You know your dad's a winner.

I'm warning you, Dad.

Ever wanna see these shirts again, get a good lawyer.

What for? It's cut and dry.

Guy broke into my house. I broke into his face.

Simple. So simple a moron could defend me.

Your Honor, I am here to defend my daddy.

D is for "Daddy."

A is for "Daddy."

D is for "Daddy."

Y is for "Daddy."

I is for Daddy. We is for Daddy.

The defense breasts.

Your Honor, if there actually is a valid lawsuit here...

...it should be Bundy v. The Board of Education...

...because she actually graduated high school.

Now, if you don't mind, I will now fire my daughter...

...and put my money on another idiot: Me.

Objection stained.

Order in the court.

I'll have a cheeseburger.

I'm on trial, yet she walks free.

Your Honor, I motion that this case be thrown out of court...

...so I can get money for my endorsement deals...

...and give you whatever you think is your fair share.

Mr. Bundy, I have a date with a prostitute.

But there are certain procedures that we must follow.

The case of Richard Johnson v. Al Bundy.

Mr. Johnson's attorney, please proceed.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Look at my poor client's innocent face.

An obviously sweet man who was attacked by this animal.

Verily, I feared for my life.

Your Honor, if you're not touched by that...

...you're not the man I slept with in law school.

Gee, Al, it's really going great.

Your Honor, I'd like you to take a look at exhibits A, B and C.

The valuables that my client allegedly stole from Mr. Bundy.

A plastic clown.

A vase in very poor taste.

And a copy of Big 'Uns.

Your Honor, that was the Christmas issue of Big 'Uns...

...and they were all decorated for the holidays.

He decorated them himself, Your Honor.

Your Honor, the issue here is not how sick I am.

The issue is that this man broke into my house.

Your Honor, how do we know that my client...

...broke into Mr. Bundy's house?

Mr. Johnson...

...did Mr. Bundy give any indication that he did not want you in his home?

Quite to the contrary.

He fondled by bottom with his bare hands.

Is this true, Mr. Bundy?

Well, yes. Yes, I did. But...

- I thought it was my wife. - You should be so lucky.

My wife's heinie puts yours to shame. And so does mine, I might add.

That's not the story your hand told me.

So this is what you do while I'm asleep.

Al, I want you to answer me this and answer me right now.

Did this man get my warm milk too?

Peg, I swear I didn't feed him. I only felt him.

Are you gonna see him again?

Your Honor, these people obviously deserve their fate.

But my client does not.

So he had a few items that didn't belong to him.

Perhaps he's a congressman.

Or perhaps they were love gifts...

...from the man who used him and then threw him out.

I just know he got my milk.

What we're looking at here, Your Honor, is an animal.

Not like the gentle creatures we know and love...

...from Born Free or the timeless Lady and the Tramp...

...but rather, a ferocious beast, totally out of control.

Mr. Bundy, what if a Girl Scout came by selling cookies?

Would you have kicked her in the face?

I would, and have.

We're asking for $50,000 in compensation, Your Honor.

Not just for the medical costs incurred by my client...

...but for the mental stress that my client is going through.

Let's hear it in his own words.

"My life is in a..."

- Shambles. - "Shambles."

"I am now afraid to break into people's homes.

My career as a burglar may well have been cut short...

...while still in the prime of my life.

I can no longer look at my own behind with child-like innocence.

But 50,000 bucks will help a lot."

We rest our case.

Mr. Bundy, your statement, please.

Your Honor...

...even a man of obvious limited intelligence...

...as yourself can judge this case.

I have been in court on a thousand trumped-up charges.

Some real, some imagined.

The point is, I lost all of them.

I don't know the law...

...nor do I really know how to pleasure a woman.

I have no interest in either.

But let me ask you one important question:

How did we become a great country?

By kicking the heinies of anybody who threatened our borders.

And that's what I was doing.

I was protecting my border.

A man comes into my house...

...he better be carrying a summons or a pizza.

But this man wasn't...

...so I called in the Marines...

...and the 51st Airborne.

So in conclusion, Your Honor...

...if you rule against me...

...you rule against every man who fought for his country.

The boys at San Juan Hill and the boys at Iwo Jima.

Audie Murphy, Eddie Murphy, Murphy Brown...

...brown-and-serve sausage...

...the cheap brown shoes that every working man is proud to use...

...to kick the heinie of any man who invades his home.

Your Honor, I await your decision.

Guilty.

Of course, of course.

The court rules you should pay $50,000 to this man.

I'm going to Disneyland.

So for hitting this guy I get charged $50,000 which I don't have?

Well, hell, I may as well go for a hundred.

Oh, Al, you did it.

I'm so proud of you.

The system finally came through for us.

Yeah, I sued him for hurting my hand on his face.

Claimed I can't sell shoes.

As if you ever could.

But I can still do this.

As if you ever could.

Where is my damn cheeseburger?