Original subtitles

- You sure you want to do this? - Yeah.

You don't have some irrational fear of bikes, do you?

No. Come on.

I think being run over by a cab

is a very rational fear.

Oh, it's so clear he's not into it.

Say something... or ignore it and go for a ride.

This is awesome!

Oh, yeah. This is great.

Just don't die. Whoa!

Show-off!

Oh, God.

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

Chloe, check out David's latest trophy fail.

"Moist valuable player."

Is it possible he is secretly trying to sabotage the company?

Or is he just not smart?

Ah, see, that's the eternal debate.

Eh, whatever. We have time to fix it.

These don't go out till after the holiday.

Speaking of, is Dana coming to Thanksgiving?

No. She's not, actually.

Listen to my genius plan.

I'm just making small talk. "No" is plenty.

I think I played it exactly right.

I waited to bring up the holiday

until after I found out she was going home.

Now I can safely invite her knowing she can't come.

I get all the credit without actually having her show up.

I worry about your soul, Peter.

Well, look. I want her there.

I just don't want the rest of the family there.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I've figured out a way to keep my mom

from bringing a guy to set me up with,

- so, you know, that part won't be weird. - Yeah? What are you gonna do?

I told her I'm a full-on lesbian.

Did someone say a lesbian?

Ugh.

Hey, idiot.

"Most valuable player."

Oh.

I'm hilarious.

This is definitely one for the cabinet.

The cabinet is so full.

If you're not doing anything next Thursday,

I scored two very reasonable tickets to "Matilda" on Stubhub.

How does he make Stubhub sound classy?

It's like magic.

Get him to say Hoobastank.

Wait. No. Thursday is Thanksgiving.

Don't you have plans?

Plans for the holiday that celebrates

the beginning of the colonies' rebellion against the crown?

Might be time to let go of that grudge.

Never.

And what are your plans?

I'm going home.

Apologies to the crown, but Thanksgiving, it's the jam.

So, you won't be spending it with Peter?

Ah... No.

There were multitudes in that "ah."

Peter didn't invite me.

Any theories?

I don't know.

It's moving too fast, too big of a step,

he's embarrassed by me.

Feel free to cut me off with reassurance at any point.

No, those all seem plausible.

I'm sure it's just because

he's an inconsiderate brute

who hasn't given a moment's thought to your feelings.

Oh.

Well, that makes me feel a little bit better.

Thanks.

Glad I could be of service.

Say "Hoobastank."

Hoobastank?

Do you remember when the Christmas displays

didn't go up until after Thanksgiving?

No.

Neither do I.

But it's all old people can talk about.

Stupid old people.

So, hey, speaking of Thanksgiving,

you said you're going home, right?

Aw, man. I'm so bummed you can't come.

I was really looking forward to having you join us.

Really? Because I was... kind of starting to think

you didn't want me there.

What? That's crazy.

No, I would love having you there.

It's not gonna be the same without you.

That's it, Peter. Lay it on thick.

Collect those boyfriend points.

Well, you know, I've never spent Thanksgiving

in New York before.

Yeah. Whoa, too thick.

Well, I mean, you probably have

a nonrefundable ticket, right?

So, that's just throwing money away.

And, plus, Thanksgiving in New York...

it's totally overrated.

And fears confirmed.

He obviously doesn't want me there.

Well, it doesn't really matter

'cause I'm going home already, huh?

Ah, dang it. That's a shame.

Yep.

Saved it.

Hi.

So, uh, my phone is saying

that we should turn on 31st Ave.

Sounds good.

And, hey, while you've got your phone out,

why don't you, uh, look for an app

that will allow any stranger

to tell you how to do your job?

Point taken.

Excuse me.

Take your time, please.

Oh, no. My flight got canceled.

Hey.

Happy Thanksgiving. You make it home?

No. I haven't even made it to the airport yet.

The driver didn't take the best route.

And my flight got canceled.

Ooh. Well, you know, don't give up.

Maybe take the train.

Yeah, that would take about 10 hours.

And I would completely miss Thanksgiving.

Okay.

Well, uh, you know, just hang out at the airport

and see if they UN-cancel your flight.

You know what?

You should totally come back to the loft

and have Thanksgiving with us.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Okay. See you in half an hour.

45 minutes.

Okay.

Dana!

Hey.

Pilgrim or reindeer?

Choose wisely.

Happy Thanksmas.

So, what's it gonna be?

Pilgrim or reindeer?

Reindeer.

Ohh.

Excellent choice.

- Aw. - Oh!

What's this?

Mistletoe?

How'd that get there?

Aah, cheek!

Mwah!

What would have happened if I chose pilgrim?

Let's not put that picture in either of our heads.

Peter, what is all of this?

This is Thanksmas. Follow me.

Don't make eye contact.

I know you probably haven't noticed,

but this is why I've been acting a little weird lately.

No, I haven't noticed.

I wanted you here, I just didn't want you... ugh, here.

Give me those.

Everybody's family

is embarrassing around the holidays.

Yeah?

- Look. My family... - Mm-hmm.

...we all wear matching sweaters.

That's it? That's your embarrassing story?

They're really bad sweaters.

Well, strap in for the story of Thanksmas.

Now, my dad was married three times.

And thanks to the two divorces,

David and I celebrate Christmas with our respective moms.

So your dad can't spend Christmas with you guys,

so he brings Christmas to Thanksgiving.

That's not embarrassing. That's really, really sweet.

It's not sweet. Trust me.

Come on. It can't be that bad.

It definitely is.

What are you doing back here?

Oh, my flight got canceled.

I would have huddled in an airport bathroom

and pretended I was gone. Wine?

It's a little early for me.

Oh. You'll be back.

And I'll be here because, well... I have to be.

Yeah.

Come on!

I mean, every family get-together

is a little weird.

Hey, Dana.

If my mom asks, I am a lesbian now.

Okay. What are we dealing with here?

We start with David.

As a little kid, he felt like Thanksmas was his fault,

so he decided to try to fix everything by making cookies.

Well, he created this secret recipe

that was just throwing everything he could reach

into a bowl, right, including coconut,

which David is deathly allergic to.

So, when he woke up in the hospital,

his first words were, "did people love my cookies?

Did I save Thanksmas?"

So, now we have to choke them down every year

while he just watches and smiles.

Oh, honey, honey, honey.

Taste this flavor explosion.

Oh!

Oh.

- Right? - Mmm!

Yummy!

And Amy,

for seven years, she has hosted Thanksmas,

but my dad won't let her do anything.

So he fills her loft with all these tacky decorations

and throws this horrible shindig

while Amy just tries to stay drunktional.

Her goal is to get drunk enough that it doesn't bother her

but then stay sober enough

that she doesn't get pulled into it.

Spoiler alert... she has yet to get it right.

And there's my step-mom, Angie.

Now, ignoring the fact that her costume

is something the Washington Redskins rejected

for being too racist, every Thanksmas,

she shames Chloe for being single and childless.

Which bring me to the fuse in this holiday powder keg,

William Cooper.

The gourdian angel.

Yay!

He always starts out happy.

But between people refusing to sing with him

because he's acting belligerent

or him reciting his long, God-awful poem,

or just everything else, it always ends the same.

Him with a belly full of whiskey grumbling,

"do you think this is the year

you can finally take your old man?"

And then we wrestle.

"Owl" put it over here.

Owl.

I don't blame you if you want to go.

No. And abandon you in your time of need?

If this was your family,

there would be a Peter-shaped hole in that wall.

No. Your bad thanksgivings, they end today.

Are you gonna kill my family?

If you are, don't tell me.

It's plausible deniability.

- We can get through this together. - Hmm.

And maybe even have fun.

I think this dough is ready to go.

And... action. You distract him.

Okay.

Happy Thanksmas!

Hey, Dana.

Would you like to try some batter?

Hells to the yes, I would.

David, dog in hat. Not a drill.

Seriously?

Hold this.

Okay.

Ugh! How can this be so dry?

They should sprinkle it on oil spills.

Mm. You think you can fix this?

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

I mean, it can't be that bad, right?

Yeah.

Waste of time. Believe me.

I've tried for years. It can't be done.

Everything okay in there, Amy?

Whoops!

Mama took too much of her medicine.

That's a five-minute time-out.

You got to ride that line, you know?

Oh, chocolate.

Is there any problem you can't solve?

Dude, you said "not a drill."

You can't cry wolf like that, Peter.

Sorry.

Okay. Ready for a taste?

Oh, yes.

Okay.

It's good.

That's really good.

You make a good cookie, Dan... id. David.

Yeah, same as every year. Calm down.

Oh, my God.

Maybe we can actually do this.

- We got this in the bag. - Yeah.

Next year, you're gonna be begging girls

to come home with you for Thanksmas.

- Not that you'll have to. - Well, no.

- Because I'll be inviting you, obviously. - No, no. But no pressure.

No, no. No pressure. I was just saying. 'Cause I'm not saying... I adore you.

Oh, great. Here we go.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

If we can fix a cookie, we can fix a family.

Makes no sense. Show no doubt.

- Let's go. - Okay.

Oh, uh, hey. Hey. Hi.

Uh, Angie. Sorry to interrupt.

I just wanted to introduce you to my girlfriend.

This is Dana. Dana, this is Angie.

Hi. It's so nice to meet you.

I've heard so many wonderful things about you.

Aw. Thank you.

Ay, young love.

- Oh, it's so beautiful. - Okay, mom.

Hey, it isn't always about you, Chloe, okay,

because I can compliment someone else without insulting you.

It is such a great lesson

when two people get over themselves to come together.

Are you starting this already?

I don't speak your devil tongue.

You know I don't.

These are words I don't know.

This is only appropriate in the bedroom.

- Karaoke! - Huh? Huh?

Would you two sing karaoke?

I'm not in the mood.

This you say in English.

Anyone else?

Really? I picked a duet.

Well... What a very merry Thanksmas this is.

- "Go" time? - You go after my dad. I'll take Chloe.

Okay. Okay.

I volunteer as tribute. I am Katniss Everdeen.

I'd love to sing with you.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Aw, thanks, Dana. You're a peach.

Mm.

Hey, can you and your mom

dial down the Telenovela, please?

- She started it. - Oh, God.

And why do you care?

Because Dana loves Thanksgiving.

- Good Lord, why? - I don't know.

Apparently some families are happy?

- What? - Look, I just don't want to scare her away.

They're trying to fix Thanksmas.

It can't be done.

Stranger things have happened.

♪ I really can't stay ♪

♪ but, baby, it's cold outside ♪

- ♪ this evening has been so very nice ♪ - Oh, when you and your dad fight,

could you not break my Shiliuzun vase? Thanks.

♪ I'll hold your hands ♪

♪ they're just like ice ♪

♪ my mother will start to worry ♪

♪ beautiful, what's your hurry? ♪

♪ My father will be pacing the floor ♪

Whoa. This is disturbing.

♪ Listen to the fireplace roar ♪

What? It's "Baby, it's Cold Outside."

Yeah, but it's creepy.

It's like "hop into my ice cream truck" creepy.

He's right.

I never really listened to it, but it is a wee bit sexual.

♪ Say, what's in this drink? ♪

♪ No cabs to be had out there ♪

- ♪ I wish I knew how ♪ - Wh-what did Dad just put in Dana's drink?

♪ Neighbors might think... ♪

♪ but, baby, it's bad out there ♪

- ♪ say, what's in this drink? ♪ - This is a Christmas song.

- ♪ No cabs to be had out there ♪ - I mean, are we the first people ever

to listen to these lyrics?

All right. Guys, just ignore it and smile.

- ♪ Your eyes are like starlight now ♪ - ♪ to break this spell ♪

♪ I'll take your hat ♪

♪ your hair looks swell ♪

- ♪ I've got to say no, no, no, sir ♪ - ♪ mind if I... ♪

She might actually pull this off.

- Oh, crap! - ♪ I really can't stay ♪

♪ but, baby, it's cold outside ♪

♪ I've got to go away ♪

I got red wine on my rug.

♪ At least I'm gonna say that I tried ♪

Houston, we have achieved drunktional.

♪ I really can't stay ♪

♪ oh, baby, don't hold out ♪

♪ oh, but it's ♪

♪ but, baby, it's cold outside ♪

- Hi! Oh, good. Oh, come in, please. - ♪ baby, it's cold outside ♪

- What the hell? - ♪ this evening has been ♪

♪ been hoping that you'd drop in ♪

- ♪ so very nice ♪ - Chloe, this is Kay.

Kay, this is my daughter I was telling you about.

It's great to finally meet you.

One year off.

- I couldn't have one year off. - ♪ I really can't stay ♪

- Oh - ♪ oh, baby, it's cold ♪

Oh

♪ Outside ♪

Yeah!

I cannot believe you did this.

I thought it was just family this year.

Okay, Chloe. Not in front of our guest, please.

I'm so sorry she's behaving this way.

She went to etiquette school.

Mm-hmm. Court-ordered.

This is a picture of Chloe

in her junior year soccer uniform.

- She's very sporty. - Enough, mom!

We tried.

We just flew too close to the sun.

No.

This is not how it ends. We just need...

David, cookies?

First batch, coming up.

Get them while they're hot. I wish I could join you.

Come on. Eat 'em up. Eat 'em up.

They're not gonna eat themselves,

but they're so good, they just might.

Everybody eat the frickin' holiday cookies.

Oh, wow.

Mmm, good. This is really good, David.

The recipe didn't call for it,

- but this year, I added an extra pinch of love. - Mm-hmm.

Um, Chloe works for the family business.

She also enjoys hiking and giving foot massages.

And she just recently came out of the closet.

Mom!

Look, Kay.

You seem really very nice.

But the thing is, is that I... Um...

I found it so hard to come out of the closet.

I've had to turn down a lot of hot guys.

I mean, I-I assume that they're hot.

Uh, I wouldn't really know

because I-I like ladies...

And everything they've got going on.

Wow. Look at that.

Boop.

I can't believe I'm about to say this,

but I think you pulled it off.

We pulled it off.

This is so beautiful.

Honestly, I'd given up hope

that I'd ever have a happy holiday again.

Is it possible that the lights twinkle a little brighter

when everyone is getting along?

Oh, we might not be out of the woods yet.

All right. I'm gonna go put coffee in Amy.

You take care of my dad?

- Mm-hmm. - Okay. Hey.

- Mm. - Come on.

Pilgrim or reindeer?

Excuse me?

Honey, you can't pilgrim a total stranger.

Um, Mr. Cooper...

Oh, please. William.

William, well, rumor has it

that you recite a poem every year,

and I was really hoping that I hadn't missed it.

Oh, you know, it is getting to be about that time.

Hey, everybody!

It's time for the annual Thanksmas poem.

If you'll all just settle in.

"To thee today our reaching arm, our turning neck...

"to thee from us the expectant eye,

"thou cluster free!

"Thou brilliant lustrous one! Brilliant lustrous one.

Thou..."

...learning well, the true lesson...

What?

How do you know dad's poem?

Oh, it's Walt Whitman.

You said you wrote it.

I did not.

The first time you read it,

you said, "here's a poem I just wrote."

Yeah. Yeah, what she said.

I may have implied it.

Thank you, Dana.

I'm really sorry, William. I...

Mr. Cooper will do.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dad, calm down.

It's not Dana's fault. She didn't do anything wrong.

- I invite her to a family gathering... - You didn't.

...in my house.

- It's not. - Oh, boy.

Someone's getting a little big

for their britches, huh? You think this is the year

you could finally take on your old man, here?

Oh, God. It's happening.

Somebody protect my Shiliuzun vase!

All right, dad. No, no, no. I'm not doing this.

- Oh, you give up? - I'm 28 years old.

Uh, Mr. Cooper, Peter, please.

Round two!

Oh, uh, no, no, no. Is this a new batch?

Oh, yeah. You guys ate the first one so quickly,

I didn't want to leave you without any cookie goodness.

No, no, no, no! Don't put that in your mouth.

What the hell did I just eat?

Are there any more of the other ones?

'Cause these are garbage.

Is there something wrong with my cookies?

No. Absolutely not.

Everybody knows lesbians are really harsh critics.

Oh, you're a gay.

Okay, that's not even close to how you say that.

Yes, I'm a lesbian, just like your d...

- Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup. - Just like your daughter.

Wait. W-w-w...

Chloe, you... you are also a lesbian?

- I am not a lesbian. - What?

What?!

I just said that to keep you from setting me up with someone,

not like it did any good.

Everybody, stop screaming!

And just tell me what the hell is going on.

These cookies are disgusting. Why didn't you guys tell me?

David, did you just eat coconut?

I wanted to know for myself.

I love you.

Never remarry.

Oh, my God! Somebody call an ambulance!

Come on!

How you doing?

I promised you a good holiday, and I made it worse.

No.

We didn't even get to the turkey.

Hey, we never make it to the turkey.

All right? It's deep, deep inside a ham.

But this is by far

the greatest Thanksmas I've ever had.

They had to give your brother an emergency tracheotomy.

Well, were there bumps? Sure.

But at least I have you to get through it with.

And complain about it with afterwards,

which is kind of the best part of Thanksgiving.

Oh, God. Where do we begin?

Gourdian angel.

Oh, I know. No. I have no...

Pilgrim Santa.

I am gonna Plymouth rock your world.

Whoa. Whoa.

Hey, dad.

Mm.

- Hey, kids. - Mm. Hi.

Hey.

So, uh, this is awkward.

Yep.

So... leave.

Let's go.

Happy Thanksmas.

- Happy Thanksmas. - All right.

Take your time. Got all day.

Mm.

Okay, so I'm thinking next year,

we have David follow my grandmother's cookie recipe.

Hey, we could find Chloe a fake boyfriend.

- Who also loves karaoke. - Right.

And everything will go so smoothly

that Amy won't have to drink.

Or we could just go to your family's.

- I mean, yes, yours was crazy. - Yeah.

- But it was also kind of fun. - Was it?

And everything worked out in the end.

Everyone was happy.

Juice!

Mm-hmm.

There you go, little guy.

I wanted grape.

Hey.

Don't hit him.

Well, that's the only way he listens.

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.