Original subtitles

Line up, please.

Parking permits, locker rentals. Library fines over here.

And please have the right change. I'm not a bank.

Mrs. Stebbins. Mrs. Stebbins. It says see you immediately.

I sent this weeks ago.

Yeah, I know, I know. See, I've been sick in bed for two days,

but as soon as I got it I raced right over.

Well...

Bailey, Harry.

Bailey...

Bailey. Harry Bailey. Bailey.

You owe this university $156 in tuition fees.

But I signed a note.

It was due last week. Well, I'll sign another one.

No, you won't.

No, but look...

In two weeks, I get my master's, then I'll be able to get a teaching credential.

I'll teach and I'll pay you back.

At the end of the week, that's all.

No tuition, no credits, no grades, and no more classes.

Well, look, I mean, I...

Are you infectious?

Just when I cough. You see, I really...

Don't cough.

No, I won't. But you really have to...

Well, make sure.

Hey, Harry, you busy?

Hey, man.

You want to go to the aquarium?

We'll turn on and dig the fish like we used to.

You got any money?

No, I'm tapped out, man.

You still owe me from the bail when you were busted, you know?

Yeah, I know. I got that written down.

Well, that's good.

Hey, say, where have you been for the last couple of days, man?

I've been looking for you. Hey, what's the rush?

I'm late for Wilhunt's class. I got a test.

That's too bad 'cause I met the grooviest spade chick

who loves to ball intellectuals. Yeah?

Yeah, I can set you up.

I can't. I got no time.

That's too bad. I mean, she even let me do it when I showed her my degree.

Yeah, at last, a practical use for your diploma. I got to split.

Come on, Harry, forget the test. We'll turn on. I'll call the chick.

You'd learn more that way, anyway.

I didn't come here to learn more, Nick.

I came here to get my teaching credentials.

Why, Harry? Jesus, why a teacher?

Money, Nick!

Money and power, and little girls to molest! It's a great life!

Harry, you lied to me.

You told me that you were going to be at the free-speech meeting.

No, you lied to me. You said there was going to be free food.

Harry, what happened? What's the matter with you?

Harry, you used to be the great rebel. The great leader.

Harry, what are you afraid of?

Of being late for class.

Harry, in six months from now, the entire military-industrial complex

is going to have us in concentration camps in Arizona.

Don't knock Arizona, Judy. It's a great state.

They have the lowest incidence of lung cancer, homosexuality and crabs.

Harry.

God!

You really scared me. I thought it was somebody from the SPCA.

I've got such guilt about doing this.

Do you have the test papers?

I haven't finished them yet.

Jan, I told Kasper he'd have them before lunch. You knew that.

No test papers, no dinner for the rest of the week.

I know. I know. It's just that I was kind of busy until late last night.

I remember.

I'll have 'em for you, Harry.

I've only got a few more to correct.

Have I ever failed you?

Okay. Right. I'll come back.

You don't have to worry about the SPCA.

What?

Your patient just jumped off the table.

Which poem is that?

Well, Mr. Bailey, nice of you to drop by.

I'd be interested to know how you do

in this test in the next 20 minutes.

When you've completed your test papers,

turn them down, raise your hand

and the monitors will pick them up.

Be sure to mark them clearly... You're going to get an A,

bring up the curve and make it hard for the rest of us.

Don't worry, they're gonna need a lot of teachers.

Are you kidding?

Who wants to be a teacher?

I thought you did.

Don't be ridiculous.

Do you know how much a teacher makes in this state?

Yeah, more than a secretary, and less than a hooker.

Someplace in between there.

I trust your grade will not reflect your lack of attention.

Of course, for those who allow their averages to drop,

I wouldn't be too concerned. Mr. Bailey.

I'm told that South Vietnam is very pleasant this time of year.

Not really, Dr. Wilhunt.

You see, it's the rainy season.

And on the Mekong Delta we used to get these fantastic mudslides

that used to wash down and open up all the shallow graves.

So, if you really want to enjoy yourself

I would go in the late summertime.

I'll see you in my office at 11:00.

See if you can make it promptly at 11:00.

Hey, Harry, wait a minute.

I can't. I'm late.

Okay, I got your book. I'll get it later.

Hey, come on, man. Hey, the book's here.

I read it and we're drafting the constitution tonight.

Great.

Hey, now, wait. Now, wait, wait, wait.

Look, I hear you were pretty active in the movement

back in the "ban the bomb" days.

We could really use you there tonight.

Yeah, look, I'd love to, but I got

about 500 years of English lit

to read before Friday morning.

Yeah, man, look, we got 300 years

of being treated like a bunch of puke.

Now, Harry, look, we've got to have

a Black Studies Department on this campus,

and you can't give us an hour of your time?

Sorry, I can't. Not this week.

Yeah, you remember, baby, without us, you ain't got no causes.

You just got a bunch of bored white kids

trying to solve their acne problem with their old man's money.

Without us, you don't have a social revolution.

That's terrific, Ellis, I like things just the way they are.

I mean, I got 18 cents in my pocket, you know that?

18 cents. My car runs on one gear.

I'm probably going to flunk out

and the last meal I had was yesterday morning.

So good luck with your race. I've got my own to run.

Hey, Harry, look.

Now, that's cop-out time, Harry.

That's cop-out time. I know where your head's at.

I know you do. And I know where your head's at.

I've been watching it for the last five minutes.

Hey, man, you don't have to worry about that.

I don't want to marry your sister.

You, marry my sister?

Ellis, I will arrange it for you, man!

With the analyst and the astrologist and the two neurotic kids

and the payments on the pool.

And the bill for the hysterectomy.

You can be husband number four she wipes out.

Stop trying to join up, will you?

You gotta be better than we are!

Hey, we already are in certain areas.

Yeah, I notice.

How come that's the only stereotype

none of you ever bother to deny?

Dr. Wilhunt, I was just on my way.

Listen, I'll try turning on the water. Sometimes it helps.

You know, Mr. Bailey, it happens every year in my class.

There's always one dedicated know-it-all who feels called upon

to criticize the teaching practices of this department,

who's just got to save the youth and change the system.

This year the smart-ass is you.

Why are you doing so poorly, Harry?

I thought I was doing fine.

If this machine gives me a good grade on today's test,

I'll have a three-point average, even with the absences.

You here speak to the machine, you see.

But I have been getting damn good grades.

I have my own yardstick.

Considering I should get the best average.

Now, let me describe it from my perspective.

Attitude and discipline are also part

of this course and yours are rotten.

Do you really want to be a teacher, Harry?

Yes, I do. Very much.

Well, that's nice. That's interesting. I suppose you do.

Returning to school after a six-year absence.

It might be interpreted as some sort of dedication.

Why do you want to be a teacher, Harry?

I mean, really.

Well, I think it's very important.

Well, we all do, but what else?

Well, look, if people are smart enough to build this...

This concrete erection, you know what I mean?

They got to be smart enough to finally learn how to live in it.

Yeah, I know what you mean. You come into a classroom,

and there on the fourth row is a boy, and you read his composition,

"How I Spent My Summer Vacation,"

and suddenly you realize that,

in 10 years, with a little help, a little push,

perhaps another Salinger. That's it, isn't it?

Okay.

And what about the other 35 boys, Harry?

What about the other 175 boys and girls

you're going to see the rest of the day in the other English classes?

The green dots, Harry. The mean.

You're talking about the red dots. The special ones.

With a passing thought to the blues.

But what about the green, and what about the little gray ones?

Since I've been head of this department,

15,000 teachers have gone on

to teach over a million elementary and secondary students.

To do what?

To write letters home,

to balance checkbooks, to function on a day-to-day basis.

Robots can function, too.

Here, see if you can handle this. There.

Now, this is a state-supported university, Harry.

We graduate taxpayers.

A Salinger doesn't need you. He can make it on his own.

Our job is to educate the population of the state.

Now, what do you want to do?

I just don't want to see another generation whose horizons

are limited to balancing their checkbooks.

Harry, for the last time, stop trying to inject morality

and ethics and sociology into the teaching of English grammar.

You're going to flunk me, aren't you?

You're very close. We'll see.

I've been thinking of practice teaching assignments.

Yours will be in subject A, right here on campus.

You might start with the 12:00 in Building B.

Convenient?

Dumbbell English?

We don't refer to subject A by that name.

The gray dot by any other name.

Dr. Wilhunt!

Hmm?

I got an A.

Well, Harry, that's better than a D, I guess, isn't it?

All right, I think we should spend some...

Okay, let's see if you can...

Let's see if you can conjugate...

Okay, okay, let's see if you can conjugate the irregular verb "to be."

Mr. Haji.

I be, you be, he be.

Most verbs have been given a common form for the first,

second and third person, but "to be"

is used so much in everyday speech

that it retains individual forms,

such as, "I am, he is and you are."

That's terrific.

Okay. I think it would be easier

if we tried to use it in a sentence.

Now, who can give me a sentence using

the past tense of the verb "to be"?

Mr. Garcia.

Mr. Garcia?

I didn't get that far.

Well, could you stand up, please?

I didn't get that far in senior English in high school.

On account of football come in six period.

And though they promised me,

I didn't get no credit for the course.

So, you see,

I was kind of shafted.

You were what?

Well, I... I said,

I was shafted.

That's right. That's correct.

That's very good.

"I was shafted."

The past tense, first person of the verb "to be." I was.

That's very good, Garcia. Now,

how would you use the same sentence...

Now, how would you use the same sentence

in the second person singular?

The girl who came in late, what's your name?

Sheila Rohl.

Sheila Rohl.

You were shafted.

Yeah, when they gave you this class.

Third person singular.

She was shafted.

Nice going, Haji. That's great. Now look...

So, you see, the verb "to be" is only irregular

in the first and third person singular.

In the plural, "We were shafted,

"you were shafted, they were shafted."

We all get shafted the same, right?

We never learned that in high school English.

Well, what do high school teachers know about fancy shafting?

Look, don't forget about the book-report assignment.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, I really like you.

Oh, no, I don't want you to think I'm saying

that 'cause I want to get a good grade.

Well, do you think you could like somebody from dumbbell English?

Well, I'll tell you something.

You know, there are two basic rules for the wise teacher.

One is that the wise teacher never neglects

the dull student for the bright one.

And the other one is that the wise teacher

never comes on with a pretty...

Well, he never tries to make out... Well, I don't...

I forget it, but I know he doesn't do it the first week of class.

I remember that.

Well, then, in the meantime, maybe you could suggest

a book for me to make a report on.

Oh, sure. When I get in the library,

I see so many books I get confused.

I just wander around for hours.

I know. I know, I know.

I had an aunt who used to have the same problem.

But I think you'll like this book.

This is quite a popular book.

The Complete, Unexpurgated Works of the Marquis de Sade.

No, it's the Marquis de Sade.

You see, he was a Frenchman.

He was a pervert.

My high school English teacher

already tried to turn me on with that.

See you tomorrow.

And so thousands of sperm

fight their way up the vaginal canal toward the ovum.

How did they get in the canal, Daddy?

Tell me that part.

...in a follicle in the ovary.

Hi, do you have the papers?

30 C's, 6 B's and 3 A's.

Oh, honey, Dr. Kasper's going to know I didn't grade these.

It doesn't look good without any D's or F's.

...is drawn into the fallopian tube...

Okay, next time, I'll give the girls D's and F's.

At least if they flunk out they can get married.

They won't have to get drafted.

The healthiest and strongest of the sperm reach the ovum.

And remember, it takes only one sperm to conceive.

Back, back, you fools!

We've been tricked! It's only a wet dream.

I'll see you at 9:00.

Can you make it 8:30?

The movie starts at 9:00.

Look, honey, would you mind if we just

skipped the movie and go to your place?

I got an exam. I have to study.

I've got my period.

No, you don't.

Boy, you really count, don't you?

Yeah, I count.

Look, darling, I need you.

Sexual repression breeds violence.

Am I not right?

I mean, look at Vietnam and Korea, Canada.

You're right. 7:30. Come at 7:30.

The door will be open. I'll be ready.

It's the least I can do to prevent World War III.

Right.

She's getting better.

Whose paper's that?

No, not the student. I mean Jan.

Jan? I'm getting on in years,

I know, and my eyesight's not what it used to be,

but I can still tell the difference between

one of your pupils and one of mine.

I do hope she wasn't too harsh on the poor little darlings.

No. She's been overly generous.

Can I use some of that hot water?

Fire away. Help yourself.

You know, Harry, I worry about you.

How are you going to survive teaching in high school

where the pupils are really stupid?

I know. Wilhunt says I'd make a lousy high school teacher, too.

No, you'll probably make a wonderful high school teacher.

And you'd probably make an excellent shoe salesman, too.

But what a waste, Harry.

You belong here, my boy.

I'm going to get you a fellowship in the English Department.

Thanks, but I couldn't make another four years.

In four years I'll be to these kids like Wilhunt is to me.

It could just kill the very thing that might

make me a really good teacher now.

You know what I mean?

Is that the way you see us, Harry?

Men in eggshells suspended in time?

$10?

Harry, I'm doing you a favor.

We sell books this time of year.

We don't buy them.

Yeah, but I gotta pay my rent.

All right, okay, fine. $10. Come on, give me.

Where are the books?

Well, I'll bring them next week after finals.

Harry, for goodness sake.

I need them to study.

Okay, fine. All right. I'll go get 'em now.

If you break that, a new lock will cost you $12, Mr. Bailey.

It's stuck.

It's locked.

That's ridiculous.

Four weeks rent.

Mrs. Kuntz, let me get my books.

I was just going to sell them.

You heard that one before.

Come on, Harry.

What about kindness, and human compassion, and mercy?

How's about if I leave you my clothes?

I've already got 'em.

What's this?

I only kept the clean ones.

That's insane!

Mrs. Kuntz, four weeks rent, $68...

Look, let me take my books. If I don't come back,

my jackets alone are worth more than that.

I don't think so, Harry.

You have very short arms.

Harry!

You're beautiful.

No, I got short arms.

Yeah, but you've got an awfully long tongue.

How long are you going to stay?

I don't know. Two or three days.

Harry.

I think there's something you ought to know.

You're what?

I'm pregnant.

It's good.

That is great. It's just what I need.

How could you be pregnant when you take pills?

Okay, so I'm not pregnant.

"Okay, so I'm not pregnant."

Then why'd you tell me you were pregnant for?

To see if you'd act exactly like you're acting.

Boy, I'm gonna tell you something.

You are not worth the pain, baby.

Harry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. That was a rotten thing to do.

I didn't mean to do that.

Yeah, okay. Me, too.

It's just that once in a while, I wish

you'd buy me a bag of popcorn, you know?

Make me feel like a date.

Oh, Christ, Jan.

I'm sorry, that's just the way I feel.

Look, I told you.

You gotta be patient. Two weeks. Just... You gotta wait.

Look, Jan, in two weeks, I will have clawed

my way through all of this crap,

and then I will buy you a popcorn machine. Okay?

With melted butter?

Sweet or salty?

Where are we going?

We're going to the library.

I got an exam and I'm practice-teaching again.

Oh, Christ, I got nothing clean to wear.

Look, could you do me a...

Never mind, I'll do it myself.

What?

Well, would you put these into the machine for me,

so that they'll be dry by the time I leave in the morning?

But don't put my sport shirts in with

the underwear because then they'll run.

Harry, I know that.

Do you want the underwear ironed?

Well, you don't have to do the T-shirts,

but I would like it if you did the shorts.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Come on, come on. What's the matter?

Well, what do you expect?

I mean, for months, I have been living alone here.

And now, just because it's convenient,

you announce you're moving in,

you empty my icebox, you pull me into bed,

and now you want me to do your laundry.

You know, you're doing it again.

No, Harry, you're doing it again.

I mean, what do you think I am, anyway?

I don't know, baby, but I know what you were when I met you!

Yeah, a lot happier!

Yeah, right. That's right.

It's Miss Homecoming Queen.

Miss Kiss-the-Boys-Good-Night on the front porch and let them feel you up,

maybe on the third date, if they were lucky.

I dropped out of that lunacy long before I met you.

Yeah. Two weeks before.

And only when the Campus Crusade

for Christ tried to convert you

because of a sexual indiscretion.

Which I didn't commit.

Much to your discredit.

What are we fighting about?

I don't know.

Come here.

Ow!

What the hell was that for, huh?

Because it felt good!

Where are you going now?

I'm going to the bathroom to get a Band-Aid!

Hi, Harry. What are you doing here?

Drying my hair.

Have you been sitting here all this time, listening to everything?

What's that? I can't hear you.

I said, have you been sitting...

Do you know your girlfriend is in there, drying her hair?

I tried to tell you that when you came

in here with your laundry bag,

but you know how you are when you're in heat.

Right, but what would have happened if she'd have walked

in here when we were in the middle of...

Harry, you and your fantasies.

Well, tell her to go.

I can't. They're painting her apartment.

What about me?

Well, is it my fault?

I didn't know you were ready to spend the night, move in.

I didn't know you were ready to make that kind of commitment.

You're right.

I'm not.

I'll see you around, lady.

Sure. Drop in anytime for a boff.

Look, I want to tell you something.

I don't want you to feel guilty or break out in hives or anything,

but on this whole planet, there is no place for me to sleep tonight.

Try the moon!

Make the next right, please.

Harry, you know I can't figure you out, man.

I mean, how come you really want to get back in?

It's just to get my...

No, no, man.

I don't mean the rooming house.

I mean the looney-tune, blue-meanie world, man. I mean...

Well, you dropped out. You were one of us.

Well, it was getting cold out there, you know.

And I was getting older, so I decided to drop in again, that's all.

But how? I mean...

You know, once you've seen this whole ugly oyster-tight-ass world, man,

I mean, how can you want to go and swallow it again?

I don't want to swallow it, Nick.

I just want to find a way to live in it.

Stop here.

Thanks, Julie.

Good scientist. Lousy lay.

Hey, Nick, I really appreciate what you're doing, man.

That's okay. This is good combat training.

I got my draft notice today, man.

What about your school deferment?

I'm short on two units.

I took two courses over, and they wouldn't count them.

Did you flunk 'em?

No, I just liked them.

Can you get out of it?

Are you kidding?

I don't know. The best I could do was a corpsman.

Harry, hang loose.

There are a million ways for a cool head.

You sure?

Don't worry, man.

I mean, there's nothing but room.

You can have the whole apartment.

So with the Marines recruiting here on campus,

we should be allowed to have our

"Resist the Draft" information booth

alongside of it.

That's what my cousin Roberta wrote me they did.

And she is a very influential member of the SDS at Michigan State.

Hey, will you stop that crap?

The SDS wouldn't waste a six-cents postage stamp on this group.

What's wrong, Ellis?

Well, your attitude. That's what's wrong.

You don't ask for what's yours.

I mean, when we get a Black Studies Department on this campus

we'll tell them who's going to teach the group.

I don't think they'll allow that.

Allow?

We should be permitted to circulate

a petition for a referendum to legalize grass.

We only need 25,000 signatures, right, Harry?

What? It's 50,000.

It's based on one percent of the registered vote.

I think that we should ask to vote...

We should demand an end to the separation of the sexes in the dorms.

We have a good chance of getting it

because the whole campus is getting out of hand.

Furthermore, I think we have a strong chance of attaining these goals.

Especially since there's been a lot of precedence set for it recently.

Right, Harry?

Yeah. Yale in '67, and Sarah Lawrence last month.

You ain't gonna get laid no how.

I mean, a draft-resistance booth on campus.

I mean, "We gotta get a booth because they got a booth."

I mean, they also got ROTC, Dow Chemical recruiting,

and they got the CIA everywhere.

They don't have the CIA on this campus.

What do you know about the CIA?

I mean, this is a state university with federal funds, boy.

They got the CIA.

Look, I don't say this with any hostility whatsoever,

but you're full of crap.

Now, look, my father is the head

of the Alumni Association at this university,

and if there was a CIA group on this campus, I would know about it.

The Alumni Association?

Right!

The head of the Alumni Association.

Let me get out of here.

What am I doing with you idiots?

Please, Ellis, Ellis. Don't get excited.

Ellis, listen, we've got to stay and work together, Ellis.

We can't fight among ourselves. We've got to work together.

We've got to be united. Settle down and just do it.

Right, right. That's right. Right.

That is right. Right. United.

You know, we represent 400 students

in a university of 15,000 gutless wonders

who are too damned self-involved

to give a crap about what's going on.

Right, Harry?

I said, right, Harry the expert?

Yeah, right. Right.

I mean, is that why you're not involved, Harry?

You're too busy getting A's to spare the time?

Yeah, right. Right, Ellis. I can't spare the time

to stand in front of the Student Union building

passing out pamphlets to protest for the rights of monkeys

to copulate in Biology Lab

before we turn them over for vivisection.

One of the burning issues of our time.

Harry, we're not monkeys.

We're human beings.

We're involved in a protest for self-rule,

to have something to say in shaping our own futures.

Okay. Look, I apologize. Go do it.

Besides, it's been a dull year and it's a good, safe target.

What's a good, safe target?

The campus, where it's safe to measure

ding-a-lings with the establishment

because they let you.

I don't have a ding-a-ling, Harry.

Why protest on the campus?

Why not out in the real world where it will do some good?

You want to sell draft tips?

Forget about college kids!

I mean, they'll take care of themselves.

Set your booth outside of a munitions factory

where those poor, ignorant suckers don't have a chance.

Of course, you just might get your teeth kicked in for your trouble.

Hey, don't worry about us, man. We're not worried about

getting our teeth kicked in by anybody!

Hey, Ellis, will you stop hating so much, man?

I mean, you get so caught up in it,

you never get anything important done.

Don't tell a black man what's important and what's not important.

Man, you walk around in a black skin before you do that!

Okay, man.

I take it back.

It's vital, yeah, it's crucial, to the future of your people

whether a white man or a black man teaches you

that Nat Turner had hemorrhoids,

or that Beethoven's mother was an octoroon.

Yeah, I know that Black Studies is important,

but do you think it's more important than Selma,

where they took on the cops, the National Guard and the Governor?

Is it more important than sitting in at a Woolworths counter

and not letting anybody eat the tuna fish unless everybody can?

Selma was then, and this is now!

Hey, man, and besides, you got a big mouth for a college boy

who's never been south of Bitville.

I mean, you talk about Selma like you were there!

I was there, man.

Then you think what we're doing isn't important?

Isn't valid?

Of course it's important. Do it, do it.

Look, I'm not putting it down. I've just done it already.

Will you... Go and do it, and let me study, will you?

Didn't you just take those out of the dryer?

Hey, Wade. Yeah.

It's the fourth time through.

But it's not bad, though.

The wash-and-dry cycle takes two hours.

That's two hours of heat, light

and a quiet place to sit and study,

only for a quarter. You want me to help you?

Would you like the warm cycle,

or would you like the hot cycle?

Man, I don't know.

My wife usually does this, but that dumb machine's broken.

You're gonna find this hard to believe,

but I've spent so much time with these machines

that we have a very close relationship going.

Morris, this is my friend, Wade.

Harry, how would you like a job?

Doing what?

You know, at school, helping me out with the brochures,

guided tours, press releases.

It's easy, especially with your background in writing.

Why don't you come to dinner tonight?

We'll talk it over.

Okay. Bring Jan.

Certainly.

Have you got any change?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got lots of change.

What's that, a half a buck? Mmm-hmm.

There's 25, there's 31, there's 42...

Harry, no, no, no, no pennies.

You'll owe me a nickel.

Hey, Wade, wait a second.

A job, dinner, that's fine.

But you've got to leave a man something, Wade.

I mean, heck, a man has to retain his dignity. Now we're even.

No, no, it went fine. It went fine, Nick.

I just don't know what I'm gonna do tomorrow.

I got that goddamned visual-aids test

right during my practice teaching.

Harry, could you take a left here?

Listen, Nick, I don't mind dropping you off, but I got to go meet Kasper.

I don't have time to make a tour of the ghetto.

Hey, is that Bromdecker's visual-aids course?

You know, the one with the cellophane

cutouts and the colored paper?

Yeah.

I took that course.

You want me to take the exam for you?

You think you could?

Oh, yeah.

Harry, stop. Stop the car.

I just saw my deferment.

Ma'am! Hey, ma'am! I'd like to talk to you!

Hey, Nick.

Ma'am, could I talk to you, please? Hey, Nick!

Wait a minute. I'm not the heat.

I want to marry you. See, I...

Hey, Nick!

What the hell is that?

Who do you think you are?

Come back here, man!

So, Jeff had this little reversal problem, and they called us in,

but luckily they catch these things in time, and now he's reading fine.

Well, that's great. That's really great.

Would you like some help?

I could get the ice tray for you.

No, you don't have to. It's automatic.

Oh!

That's great, too.

No, no, no problem.

I'll get it for you tomorrow at the office. An advance.

Harry Bailey, $20, advance.

No problem.

Have another drink?

No, I'm fine.

Give me the ball!

Give me the ball!

So, what'll I write?

Build the school image.

Every time one of these kids with long hair

blows his nose, it makes page one.

Then the alumni contributions fall off,

and the regents get on my back.

If the kids would only stop trying to run the schools themselves

and mind their own business, and keep out of left-wing politics.

Wade, it has nothing to do with left-wing politics.

It's happening all over the world.

Look, they're having more trouble

in Peking right now than we are at Berkeley.

Okay, everybody, dinner's on the table. Come while it's hot.

Children, hey, what about washing those paws, huh?

Chop-chop. Soup's on.

Now, why don't you sit right over here, Harry?

I want to sit next to Daddy!

I want to sit next to Daddy!

All right, all right. Now, come on.

You'll both sit next to me.

Go ahead. There you go. I'll take that, Jan.

Just sit right down there.

Where's your drink?

Inside.

That looks real nice, hon.

I wanna plug it in!

I wanna plug it in! I wanna plug it in!

Okay, Jeff, you can plug it in.

Okay, kids, two big slices each,

so you'll grow up nice and strong.

Gotta get that old energy

for marching and picketing and breaking through police lines.

Wade, please stop it.

Then when you grow up and get arrested,

why, you can blame your poor old parents

'cause they were too nice to you.

Fed you too well, isn't that right, Harry?

Roquefort or Thousand Island?

Wade, are you sure you understand

what it's all about with the kids?

Politics.

Make sure the kids get beans, will you?

No, it has nothing to do with politics, Wade.

It's personal identity.

Harry, could we talk about it after dinner?

What would you like on your salad?

Personal identity, crap. The trouble is

they don't believe in anything.

You mean, they don't believe in

all the bullshit you and I believed in,

which, right off the bat, makes them a lot better off.

They're real lovely, they are. 12-year-old girls on LSD.

Taking LSD at 12.

I mean, what kind of trip could that be?

What kind of memories could you have at 12?

Snow White, Winnie the Pooh?

Well, you go ahead and make your joke,

but you wouldn't think it was so funny if you had a daughter.

Then when they get to be 16, you see them on television

in living color in Chicago, rioting at the Convention.

Hey, Wade, I saw that, too, and it was

the police who were swinging the clubs.

What do you expect with what those monsters were doing,

cursing and defecating in the halls of the Hilton Hotel?

Wade...

We're eating dinner, Wade.

Dumping garbage out of the hotel windows on people's heads

and mocking our most sacred democratic institution of free elections.

Wade, those kids are protesting a bunch of maniacs

who are sending them off to drop napalm on people.

You know, just ordinary people

like you and Alice and the kids.

Merely defecating in the lobby of the Hilton Hotel

seems to be a pretty tame gesture.

I'd call it fantastic restraint.

What are you laughing at?

No, come on, tell me. You have to tell me.

Oh, come on. That's not fair.

What are you laughing at?

Oh, God, Harry. You really did it again.

What a great speech.

You're really lucky he didn't fire you.

I know, I know, I know.

I just couldn't help it, you know.

I mean, I just...

It was just too much, the whole scene.

It just was too much. I couldn't stand it.

Yeah, I mean, that little boy,

I wanted to throw my baked potato at him.

What do you mean?

Oh, you know, Jan, suburbia.

A picture-windowed look at the neighbor's adultery!

I don't know what you're talking about, Harry.

Of course you know what I'm talking about.

I mean, you hate that ricky-tick existence

as much as I do. As much as they do.

I don't think that they hate it, Harry.

I think that they're perfectly happy.

They have a good marriage, and they have a lovely house.

Yeah, so lovely, they made another 100 just like it.

Oh, shut up, shut up.

What do you mean, shut up, Jan?

There's nothing intrinsically immoral

about getting married and living in a tract house, Harry.

Only you'll never know anything about that, will you?

Not you, Harry.

Oh, Harry, Jan, wait. Hey, you weren't gonna

walk by, were you? I was waiting for you.

We were having a party, left the door open, we were waiting for you.

Thanks, Jake, but some other time. I'm really bushed.

Oh, man. Come in just for just one drink.

Come on, don't... Who's there?

Everybody. All the rejects.

No, really, I'm going to crash.

I'm very tired. Harry, let's go in and have a drink.

Harry, please, come on, just one drink.

Harry... Come on, I'm very...

Harry, come on.

Jan, I gotta...

Harry.

Nick, you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Sure. What happened with that lady in the street?

Oh, no, it didn't work out, man.

She was married already.

Yeah. Probably one of those guys who was chasing you, right?

To all of them.

Hey, you know, that chick collects $900 a week on welfare.

I'll see you later.

Hey, wait a minute.

Don't go away without saying goodbye now.

Because that big silver bird in the sky leaves for Canada tonight.

Really?

All packed.

This is crazy ding-a-ling.

Look, you gotta give me my gas credit card back.

My old lady saw the slips you signed.

Harry the teacher.

Not yet, Jake. Almost. Not yet, though.

Interesting, of course, but doesn't it do

something to your personal life? I mean...

There have been times...

I can imagine.

Jan, come on, let's split.

Oh, okay, Harry, I'll just finish my drink, is that all right?

What did you say?

I mean, where do you go from there?

Well...

Jan, come on, let's split. If I finish this drink

I'm going to fall through the floor.

And I still have to study tonight, remember?

Okay. Okay.

Bye, Doc.

Harry, you know what?

What?

Hendrick. Hendrick, you maniac, later.

I've gotta tell you why I've been acting like a bitch lately.

It's okay, honey. Come on.

No, the reason I've been acting like a bitch lately

is because I think I want to get married.

I know, I know. I know that it's the insane American syndrome

to think that if you aren't married by the time you're 21,

that you'll end up an old maid.

But I really think that's what's happened to me.

I really do.

Jan, what's happened to you is

that you're feeling very insecure lately

because I haven't had the time to tell you what to do, okay?

So, now, I will tell you what to do.

We are going to go across the hall to your apartment

and, we... I am going to read my chapters while you take a shower,

then we're going to go to bed and make love,

and in the morning you'll make me my breakfast

and things will be just like the way they used to be.

Now, what do you think of that?

What have we here, one of those tawdry little domestics?

I think I'll call a cop.

Oh, marvelous, that's great! Wonderful,

marvelous. She thinks she'll call a cop.

That's just what I deserve,

trying to change a WASP mannequin

into a thinking, feeling human being.

Imagine trying to educate a pathetic dum-dum like me.

Offering the great ideas of our age to a girl who is so shallow

she sees nothing wrong with wanting to get

married and live in a nice neighborhood

and sleep in a bed that doesn't fold down from out of the wall.

I'm so middle-class I might even

enjoy watching television with my husband.

Well, lots of luck, baby, I hope both of you live happily ever after.

Don't worry, Harry, I didn't mean you.

You bet your sweet ass you didn't mean me.

Jesus Christ!

It certainly didn't take you long, did it?

Five bloody minutes in suburbia, and you're ready to join up

with the A & P, blue chip, Little League,

pill-taking, once-a-week-on-Saturday-night,

"I got a headache, Harry," shopping and chopping society!

Well, the American bitch strikes again.

Thank you, Ernest Hemingway, Philip Roth,

Norman Mailer, F. Scott Fitzgerald!

You know, that is what is really wrong with this rotten society!

Instead of burning our draft cards,

we should be out burning the library cards

we give to dumb broads like that.

Harry...

Good girl.

Harry?

If you're so goddamned smart, why can't you make me happy?

Listen, don't worry about me.

I'm going to be fine.

You know, I'm just concerned about you, you know.

I mean, going there and not knowing anybody.

Oh, no, no, don't worry about me.

I don't want you to be alone.

Now, look-it, I gave you Luan's number.

Now, call her, will you?

'Cause she is a great chick.

And promise me you'll call.

- Yeah. - Last call,

Air Canada, Flight 701, Gate 4, now boarding.

At least you'll have a good place to spend the night.

Take care, man.

Chief Running Water?

Yeah.

Also known as Nick Philbert?

Yeah.

Your check for $129, no account.

Now, you stole their lands.

You took our natural resources.

You raped their women.

You killed about 10 million of us.

Now you won't even let us leave your damned country!

Thug.

Harry.

What do you think of James Baldwin?

Come on, you can be honest with me.

Well, I think he's a hell of a writer.

Did you ever make it with a black chick before?

You got my cherry.

You're pretty good. But a little inhibited.

Yeah, well, you see, I was replaying the '55 World Series

in my mind so I could last.

Who's the greatest writer you ever read?

Shakespeare, far and away.

Then who?

Name all the best ones.

Well, there was Chaucer.

And... Proust.

And Tolstoy.

Cummings.

Malamud.

Faulkner, sometimes. Fitzgerald.

Wait a minute.

Here. Write those down for me, will you?

I should know better, but I could send you some if you like. Some books.

No, thanks. I mean, that's kind of like you paid me, if you dig.

I didn't mean it that way.

I can find them in the library.

You got a card, too, huh?

Yeah. You just write them down.

You'd be surprised how much I learn that way.

No, no, not a bit.

In fact, your whole approach to education is fantastic.

It beats the hell out of group dynamics and the unit system.

Of course, a class of 50 would cripple

the teacher over the long haul.

Well, well, look who's alive again, and so soon.

Huh?

Oh...

Ignore him, he has no conscience.

Hey, Nick?

Nick?

Good morning, my child.

For Christ sakes.

For Christ sakes, man, what are you dressed up like that for?

Oh, not for Christ's sake.

For Buddha's sake.

A religious deferment.

Yes, yes. You see, we of the Bahia

Baba Buddha Buddhist Brotherhood

are committed to noninvolvement.

Right. But you're also committed

to take a test for me today, remember?

Oh, yes, yes, I know. I have not forgotten.

Nick, are you high? Yes,

on love, and brotherhood, inner peace...

Yeah, what else, what else?

Oh, come on, Harry.

Don't. I mean, it's too early in the morning

for that. I just had breakfast.

I can smell the brownies on your breath.

Yeah. And it's better in brownies than in Rice Krispies.

Nick, are you going to be able to remember the answers?

Remember the... Harry.

Okay. Then miss one or two just to make it look good, okay?

And the building you see across the quad is

the second-largest college library in the United States.

It's a wonderful school.

You'll have a groovy time. Terrific memories.

New parking spaces coming next fall.

Lots of laughs, plenty of chicks.

Contraception is compulsory.

For every three loose-leaf books, you get a package of pills.

Over there is the Dory Rush Pavilion. And that is the Ladies' Gym,

and over there is a protest,

which we hope doesn't turn into a riot.

And that's my girl in between those two guys.

That pretty one with the rosy glasses

and the perfectly chiseled nose.

Excuse me a second. Don't go away.

Don't apply to another school.

I'll be right back.

Jan! Jan!

I don't believe it. What are you doing here?

Last night you were ready to move to the suburbs, remember?

You said that, Harry. I didn't say that.

Look, will you put the sign down

and stop screwing around with history?

Harry, I'm not taking classes from you anymore, remember?

I dropped out last night.

One other thing.

What?

A man who can't believe in a cause can never believe in himself,

and that goes for a woman, too, Harry.

I hope that doesn't sound too much

like your precious Fitzgerald.

Look, it doesn't sound like Fitzgerald.

It sounds like me when I was 12.

You should have stuck around and finished the course, you know.

You would have saved yourself a lot of marching.

Look, will you guys please cut it out?

You're holding up the whole march.

Now get back in the line.

If you have to play Virginia Woolf, do it in the coffee shop.

She hit me in the head with a sign.

- We want Vandy! We want Vandy! - We want Vandy! We want Vandy!

We want Vandy! We want Vandy! We want Vandy! We want Vandy!

All right now, kids, get the hell out of here.

Come on, now. Clear out. All of you.

Not until we see President Vandenburg.

No, negative.

Now, go on, clear out, all of you.

Now, remember, anybody over 30 is the enemy.

So be careful when you cheat on your college boards, okay?

I'll see you next semester.

And for God's sake, girls, save yourselves.

We'll be waiting for you in the fall.

Now, get back to your classes, or you'll get absentee slips!

This is our school, and we're not leaving till we have a meeting!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Yeah, well, you just had your meeting.

Now, clear out, all of you.

Come on, kids. Please get off the steps.

Will you please get off the steps?

Hey! Police brutality!

All right, now, go on. Beat it.

What did they want?

They want to meet with Vandenburg.

What do they think this is, Berkeley?

Wow, wow, thank God you stopped them.

I mean, you have got to draw the line someplace, right?

And that's the difference between syntax and whatever it is.

- I don't know what it is. - Meaning.

Meaning, right.

Okay, we'll continue the discussion tomorrow. Class is dismissed.

Jan?

Jan?

How's everything?

Good.

You? Good.

Beautiful.

What's happening?

Nothing. Just have a few people over.

Why don't you come on in?

I know you two know each other.

And this is my friend, Dr. Bill Greengrass.

PhD?

No, medical.

Oh, what's your specialty?

GYN.

Gynecologist.

I know that a GYN is a gynecologist!

Oh, crap!

No, no, that's a proctologist, Harry.

Harry, how about a cup of coffee?

Sweetheart, get Harry a cup of coffee.

Two lumps, buddy? Harry, Bill has been telling us

the most interesting thing.

Harry's going to be a teacher, Bill, so I think

that he would fit right in there, wouldn't he?

Oh, sure. Sure, he would.

Of course, there'd be absolutely

no problem at all. He'd fit in fine.

Well, Bill... Well, anyway, Harry, this...

Bill has a plan that he was just telling us about.

No, no, no, I'm sorry. It's not really my plan,

actually. It's called a Keho plan.

Well, it's the most interesting thing.

Why don't you tell Harry about the Keho plan?

Go ahead and tell Harry about the plan.

Sure.

Yes, tell Harry about the plan, Bill.

Sure. Well, you see, instead of just buying straight life insurance,

you buy mutual funds,

then you go and you borrow the money

to pay for a short-term life-insurance policy.

Now, the dividends, you see, from the mutual funds will, in fact,

pay for the premium on the life,

so that, say, at the end of 20 years,

instead of just having a paid-up life insurance policy

you'll wind up with a good $500,000 estate.

That's terrific. That's...

Yeah.

But I'm a little confused.

Well, I'll send you a brochure.

No, no, no. I mean, I thought that you were a gynecologist.

You know, gynecologist, women, pain, babies,

and now I find out that you are really the Vice President

of the City National Bank!

Harry, it's your own philosophy.

I mean, why be victims of the insurance companies,

letting them make millions off us, when we can do it ourselves?

Oh, you're going to explain capitalism to me now, right?

That is just what I need, for you to tell me that!

I mean, when did you become a capitalist?

Last night at 3:00 in the morning?

Yesterday, you were out marching with the picket lines,

and now you're telling me about how to make $1,000,000!

You know, you have the loyalty of a snail!

What happens tomorrow, huh?

George Rockwell comes back from the dead,

and he gives you a quick hump,

and you're going to be telling me that they

should send the Negroes back to Africa?

That's very true.

What?

No, what you were saying about women, Harry. It's very true, really.

They seem to have, you know,

that marvelous ability to adapt to whatever man they're with.

That's one of their more charming traits, actually.

Yeah. Oh, you know about women.

I know you know about women.

I know what you know about women,

and I know where you know about women!

Well, then, you've got to admit that's

not a bad way to know about women, right?

Harry, you're making a fool of yourself.

Doctor, you have found the perfect girl!

As a matter of fact, she is your specialty.

The two of you belong together!

I hope you have a happy life!

And when it's all over

and this disloyal little girl with the hot pants

has run off with a 6'4" Greek dishwasher,

a little teeny-weeny little man is going

to come knocking at your door,

and he's going to say, "Doctor, Doctor,

"here's your check for $500,000 on the Keho plan,"

which, considering the inflationary spiral,

buddy, should be worth just about enough

to grab a cab to the nearest dock where you can jump off,

you poor son of a bitch,

and drown yourself!

He isn't usually like this.

No, no, it's all right, really.

You're very funny, Harry.

A very amusing guy, really.

Very funny.

Harry, it really is exciting.

I mean, really tremendous, the great things that are being accomplished.

It was the most marvelous thing that could ever happen

to those poor people in the Appalachian region.

Sheila, it's really getting late.

Want me to call you a cab?

A cab?

Yeah. I'm really beat.

But, Harry, this is my apartment.

Huh?

Oh.

Oh, yeah, all right, well, listen,

tell me some more of the wonderful things Lyndon B. Johnson did.

Okay, now, listen.

Don't come on too strong, you know.

Don't be too obvious.

Oh, don't worry, man, I'm cool.

Hey, good luck.

No sweat.

Yoo-hoo, sir, I've come to take my physical.

Sure, honey, sure.

Back there with the rest of the fags.

Come on, let's go.

Hup, two, three and a four!

Spread your cheeks!

Don't get worried about the master's oral.

After all, there's a limit to what they can

put you through in a matter of three hours.

Where's freedom now?

1:00 tomorrow. Mass student meeting

in the Student Union Building.

Dr. Ramsgate will examine you in Chaucer.

How is your Chaucerian English?

Middling.

Oh, by the way,

Dr. Lysander will question you on the 20th century.

Be careful.

Nick, are you all right? Where did you get that haircut?

I beat it, man. I beat them.

You mean the fag routine worked?

Oh, no, no, man. They took me. But I beat it.

I mean, I foxed them.

I went next door and enlisted in the Marines.

At least you haven't lost your sense of humor.

Oh, no, no!

Oh, listen, man. You should see those guys.

They're tough.

Oh, boy, are they tough. Oh, and some of the guns and stuff,

like automatic weapons and things.

Oh, Harry, it is wild.

Gee, that's swell, Nick.

Look, why don't you take it easy?

You're on a bummer.

You want to lie down, you could use my bed.

Oh, no, no. Harry, listen. I'm straight.

I've even got myself signed up to train for a special job,

belly gunner in a helicopter,

John Wayne-ing it in an open door

with a .50-caliber machine gun.

Come on, Nick. Look, don't be upset.

I mean, we'll get you out of it.

We'll go down there, and we'll explain it to them.

You may have to go away for a couple of months.

Jesus Christ, what a crazy thing to do, Nick.

Hey, hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What kind of a cruddy, yellow attitude is that?

Now, come on, Harry, this country is in trouble.

I mean, we could be fighting on Coney Island in just two weeks.

Nick, they don't want Coney Island.

Not since we tore down the rollercoaster.

You listen to me, man, we've got enemies!

This ain't no free ride!

We have got to do our duty!

Great. You go do your duty and come back

when you feel better, all right?

Hey, wait a minute. Now, don't you go

pushing me around. You understand?

Oh, shit. You all right?

Why, listen, man, I came here because I love you.

Are you all right?

I just hope you've got the guts

to do what you know is right, like I'm doing.

Nick, you're not feeling guts.

You can't play by your own rules, Harry.

We've got rules in this country.

Boy, you break them, you're gonna pay the price.

Nick, will you get the hell out of here?

You gotta tell them, Harry.

Nick, you tell them. You're doing great.

No! No! No! No.

It was your test. It's gotta come from you.

What?

You gotta tell Wilhunt that you cheated.

Oh, come on!

Harry, I can't go away and fight

for my country with that on my conscience.

Now, if you don't do it, I'm gonna have to.

Nick, you're out of your mind.

You're going to get me expelled.

Well, I don't have any choice.

Harry, I made a commitment to decency today.

Oh, Jesus, it feels good.

Now, you think about that.

Nick!

You're not going to tell them?

Well, I'm sure I won't have to, Harry, 'cause I got faith in you.

- Action now! Action now! - Action now!

Action now! Action now! Action now!

Harry, Harry, listen, man, you gotta keep that goddamn friend

of yours away from me 'cause next time I see him, I'm going to bust him.

Who? What? I don't know who you're... Nick Philbert.

When did you see Nick?

About 10 minutes ago, man. He's crazy.

He's trying to get me kicked out of the Art Department

for subversive painting.

Oh, Christ. He's really flipped.

I mean, My Wife's Ass is a subversive painting?

Action now! Action now! Action now!

Action now! Action now! Action now! Action now!

Action now! Action now! Action now! Action now!

Action now! Action now! Action now! Action now!

Action now! Action now! Action now!

Action now! Action now! Action now!

Action now! Action now! Action now!

Action now! Action now!

Come on! More! More!

Action now! Action now! Action now!

Action now! Action now...

Action now! Action now...

Pigs go home! Pigs go home!

Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home!

Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home!

Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home!

Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home!

Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home!

Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home!

Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home!

Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home!

Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home!

Hi. How are you?

How's everything going?

Piggy, piggy, piggy. Piggy, pig.

Piggy, piggy, piggy. Piggy, piggy, piggy.

Keep your line straight and push them back to the stairs.

Move them back.

Keep your line straight.

Push them back down the stairs.

Down the stairs.

How much are you getting paid to break in heads today?

Have you been practicing on your wife and kids?

Say, do you know what fascism means, huh, piggy?

You're mine and I want you, baby.

This is a peaceful demonstration!

This is a peaceful demonstration!

This is a peaceful demonstration!

Tear gas, fire!

Get your gas masks on!

Get your gas masks on!

This is a peaceful demonstration!

Please, please, stop, leave him!

Stop, leave him! He's my friend!

You stupid bastard! You stupid...

This is a peaceful demonstration!

Jan!

Hey, have you seen Jan?

Jan!

Jan!

Jan.

Oh, my poor baby.

Oh, Jan.

Oh, my poor baby, Jan.

Harry.

Oh, Jan.

That was great.

That was just great.

It's always just great with you.

Better than with the gynecologist?

Wait a minute,

you don't have to answer that. I didn't mean that.

I know you didn't.

I didn't.

I guess you said a lot of things that you didn't mean.

Like me being a snail and a WASP.

Jesus, I really get crazy, don't I?

Uh-huh.

But it doesn't matter. So do I.

Yeah.

You really learned a lot from me.

I mean, I knew you didn't give a damn

for that idiot Dr. Greengrass.

By the way, look, I'm curious...

Did you sleep with him?

No, no, no, don't tell me, don't tell me.

I'm doing it again.

I mean, I knew it was all just a rebellion against me.

You know, like your big interest in the protest thing,

it was all just a reaction to my being a bully,

and trying to manipulate your mind, right?

Wrong.

You did sleep with Greengrass.

I do care about the protest.

And if you had been there and seen those kids

and everything they went through,

and those cops and what they did...

Yeah, I know, I know.

It was awful. They were having a ball.

Having a ball? Having their heads cracked open,

having their eyes burned out with Mace,

being dragged by their hair to police wagons?

If you had been there...

I was there.

I was there. I saw everything.

Well, then, how can you not care?

I mean, how can you of all people be so insensitive?

How can you be so cavalier? It was ugly!

It was sexy.

Sexy?

Sexy.

Okay, get out your notebook.

For three units, Riots 1A.

Jan, do you think you're the only one who got laid tonight?

Oh, you bastard, you!

Oh, come on, honey, come on.

I mean, all those boys and girls running and jumping and kicking

and squealing and tearing and pulling.

I mean, after the riots at the Sorbonne,

I could not stand up for two weeks,

and I didn't get within 500 feet of a cop.

Same thing at Berkeley.

Jan, when you came running in here tonight,

you were so turned on, you nearly slid out

of bed twice before I could even kiss you.

That's it. Finished. It's all over.

Oh, come on, honey, don't take me so literally.

That's it! That's it!

Come on, honey, don't take me so literally.

Will you come on back to bed?

Harry, I'd rather get back in bed with a eunuch!

Dr. Greengrass?

Hardly. At least when I leave his apartment I feel like a woman.

Woman? You're not a woman!

You're just a guy with a hole in the middle!

Thank God I don't love her.

Harry, Vandenburg wants you, and you're acceptable with the students,

so what's the problem?

The problem is it's a rotten thankless job, and I don't want to do it.

So, what's so difficult? You take the kids' requests,

and you take it to Vandenburg.

Wade, I got my master's oral tomorrow.

Look, it's an hour of your time.

I promise you it'll be quick and easy.

Look, if it's that easy, why don't you do it?

They don't trust me, Harry.

These kids don't trust anybody.

I can't imagine why.

And so, to the brave little band who made it here today,

I'd like to wish you all good luck next semester.

Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four.

If there is a next semester.

I think that concludes our business.

Except for Mr. Garcia.

Remember, I need that book report by the close of the day.

Yeah, you're gonna get it, Mr. Bailey.

I'm writing it right now.

As soon as I finish the last chapter.

Hey, don't laugh. That's good stuff.

I'll give it back to you, Garcia.

Wow.

Man, these things were my passion!

I used to lie in bed under the blankets,

and read them with my flashlight.

And it wasn't till years later that I found out why I really dug them.

You know, there's a definite similarity

between the crusading of a Batman,

or Captain Marvel, or Red Ryder,

and the heroics of Don Quixote.

It's that 19th-century romanticism

that 20th-century heroes are made of.

You finish that, Garcia.

Get the uniforms off this campus.

Well, Harry, up the rebels. They've won.

Some of those old biddies on the board put up a pretty good fight.

But hell, I don't mind a fight.

Really surprised me, though, when they came through.

That's great, sir. That's marvelous.

Have you ever spent four hours trying to convince a man

who owns five barber shops, with a mentality to match,

that he was once 18 years old himself?

Oh, yes, sir. About 10 years ago.

It was my father.

Who won the argument?

Well, I'm still smoking, sir.

It's too late for us.

But don't let your kids smoke, Harry.

Oh, that's right, sir. I certainly won't.

Well, let's get to it,

so that hopefully we can get back

to the dull business of education.

Now, on the coeducational restrictions in the dorms.

Beginning this coming semester,

we are raising the weekday curfews

one whole hour.

An hour?

Number two, the Black Studies courses on campus

are, of course, an impractical project,

financially and otherwise, at this time.

Nevertheless, there is every indication

that we can initiate a Negro History Week in the foreseeable future.

Number three, lowering the academic

requirements for the minority groups.

Beginning next summer, five Negro students

and five Mexican Americans will receive half-scholarships.

Now, that was the real battle,

but when I pointed out to them that

we could pick top athletes out of this group,

that was the butter in the frying pan.

We got it.

Didn't think we could win that one,

did you, Harry?

You're crazy.

I said you're crazy.

Are you feeling all right, Harry?

It's too late for these answers.

20 years too late.

Harry, this is a very reasonable

and generous set of counterproposals,

and it's the best they're going to get.

I feel like Lafayette in the court of Louis XVI.

I understand, Harry. Don't be nervous.

No, that's not what I meant.

The peasants are ready to burn down Versailles,

storm the Bastille,

and overturn the French monarchy,

and you are telling me

that if I go back to them

and tell them that 50 of them

can come to the next costume ball at the palace,

they'll keep quiet for another 100 years.

It's too late for those kind of answers.

You'll drive them crazy, Dr. Vandenburg.

They'll burn down your school!

You are turning them into full-scale revolutionaries.

Do you really believe we're going to turn

this school over to a bunch of kids

who pay a few hundred dollars a year nominal tuition

and that that qualifies them to run a university that has produced

four governors, three senators

and a president of the United States?

Dr. Vandenburg...

Harry, I am a liberal man!

A liberal, enlightened man

who has, I hope, the courage, when the chips are down,

not to be intimidated by a misguided mob

of pseudo-political novices with inflamed literary imaginations!

Please, stop it!

Stop it! Stop it! Some day you'll thank me!

Please, listen to me! Stop it!

You've been a naval commander.

You are a doctor.

You have a PhD in history.

Why haven't you learned anything?

It's all there, it's all there in Toynbee and those books on the shelf!

Suppression breeds violence!

You're going to raise the curfew an hour?

Will you look outside?

You see that kid?

Last week he just wanted to get laid!

Now he wants to kill somebody!

Pigs, go home!

You should have let him get laid!

Is this the issue?

Yes, freedom of choice is an issue!

Hypocrisy, sexual or otherwise, is an issue!

That's right! Let them run wild.

Five men on our board of regents

have daughters who go to this school.

What do you want me to tell them?

Go read Kinsey and Havelock Ellis?

What are you holding onto?

This university is just a small piece of the rest of the world!

The only way it's going to survive is if it changes!

If you didn't want them to think,

you shouldn't have given them library cards!

Now it's too late!

Harry, I am not giving them this school!

They don't want your school,

they just want a say in determining their future!

Then first let them learn to obey the law.

First let them ask if your laws are just.

Do you think people should be allowed to decide for themselves

whether a law is just? Why, that's anarchy.

This nation was founded on law and order.

Bullshit! This nation was born out of disorder

and founded on freedom and the will of the people!

People need guidance, Harry.

Give them what they want today,

and what will they ask for next, tomorrow?

I don't know. Maybe a 40-hour week.

Maybe the vote for women.

What difference does it make?

Will you let go?

Let go! Stop trying to hold back the hands of the clock!

It'll tear your arms out!

Go on, Harry.

Take it to them.

Just as it is.

You'll see.

Go on.

Harry.

We're not unreasonable men.

We're not as square as you might think.

This university may be a tower,

but it's not made out of ivory.

This won't be the first time in your Toynbee's history there

that a bunch of basically good kids with hyperthyroid convictions

thought they were going to save the world.

I understand their problems.

I share them.

Go on.

Take it to them.

They will not cheat us out of our rights and our responsibilities.

This is our university. This is our country.

And we will not let them rob us of our futures.

They will learn if they try, that we will not be silent any longer!

Pigs go home! Pigs go home!

Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home!

Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home!

Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home!

Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home!

That's the scene here as tempers

and tensions continue to build.

There's one bright note on this troubled campus,

and that is tomorrow the current semester ends.

Let's hope that when school reopens here next Monday,

reason will once again prevail.

Today in Vietnam, American...

Pretty good color, isn't it?

I suppose you think

I've called you here to put you through some rigmarole about

classroom progress reports and student attendance.

Something you consider an utter waste of time.

No, not a waste of time, Dr. Wilhunt.

Do you want to start with the tardies?

Are you quite sure that you want to make a career of teaching, Harry?

Yes, I'm quite sure I want to make

a career of teaching, Dr. Wilhunt.

That's a shame, because I'm utterly convinced

that you'll never be a good teacher.

You'd be a disgrace to the profession.

Why?

Because you're dishonest.

This is your audio-visual exam booklet.

Nick Philbert's a deeply disturbed human being.

You'd know that if you talked to him.

Of course, I could see that he was upset.

That doesn't alter the fact that that printing isn't yours.

Look, Dr. Wilhunt. Dr. Wilhunt. Let me...

Dr. Wilhunt, you know what a farce this visual-aids course is.

If you like, I can take the exam again

right now and get a better grade

than this maniac did in the booklet.

Please let me prove it to you.

You miss the point, Harry.

I don't doubt your cleverness.

It's your integrity.

The fact is you cheated on the exam.

Right! Right! You're right!

I did cheat on that exam.

You're absolutely right.

Congratulations, I cheated on the exam.

You have saved the system.

So what if another witch is burned at the stake?

But you know something, you don't fool me.

You don't fool me, Dr. Wilhunt.

I'm not being crucified because of this visual-aids test,

I'm getting wiped out because I wouldn't

pay homage to your great scheme

of assembly-line mechanical teaching methods.

I wouldn't work in this ridiculous...

This ridiculous robot factory.

You're overreacting, Harry.

I'm not overreacting.

Contrary to what it is convenient for you to believe,

I am not Mephistopheles.

I don't want to ruin your life.

I'm not going to turn you in.

Unless I have to.

Then what do you want me to do?

I want you to resign from the Education Department.

I just don't want you to have a teaching credential.

Go get your master's.

Teach at the university.

But stay out of my department.

You're dangerous. You just don't fit in.

You really do believe in what you're doing, don't you?

You're a fool! You know, you're a fool.

You're not a monster, you're a...

Of course not, Harry.

Harry, we're none of us monsters.

Not even you.

But my class, what about my class?

Oh, it will be taken care of.

I've got the grade book, and the final papers are all in.

Dr. Wilhunt.

I love children.

That's not enough, Harry.

Harry, could I come in? I would like to talk to you.

I've made a decision.

Jan, please.

I'm in terrible trouble. And if I start talking to you,

I know we're going to have an insane fight, and I don't want to fight.

Because, look, it's always my fault, I admit that,

but my guts ache when it's over.

I want to talk to you, Jan. I really want to talk to you,

but it has to be tomorrow. I got to study tonight.

Harry, it's important.

I'm... Sure. I'm sorry. Come on in for a second.

Harry, what's wrong?

Nothing, really. It's the pressure, I guess. You know, I mean,

tomorrow's the big day, and I got my oral.

What did you want to tell me?

Harry, you look terrible.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

It's nothing that won't go away.

Here, read this.

I think you'll get a kick out of it.

Oh, yeah. Garcia.

"I finished Batman.

"And because of what Mr. Bailey say,

"I go to the library and read Don Quixote.

"He better than Batman.

"He braver."

Oh, Harry.

That's so beautiful.

He really understood.

Yeah.

But it's all over now.

I got booted out of the Education Department.

How? Wilhunt.

Nick Philbert took a test for...

I let him take a test.

You know me.

Self-destructive Harry Bailey.

And now I'm out.

You mean you can't go back?

Yeah.

I can get my master's if I pass the oral tomorrow.

And maybe my PhD someday,

and teach college along with Kasper and Wilhunt,

and the rest of the Ancient Mariners if I ever make it.

I might as well go through the motions.

There ain't nothing left to do.

Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I know. All those months

down the drain. Right?

I don't know what to say.

Just say, Goodbye, Mr. Chips.

Goodbye to the high school tennis team I'd volunteer to coach.

And the HI-Y dances

where Mr. Bailey

wins the day.

When all the boys

are allowed to wear their hair any way they want to.

Goodbye to the bright faces and bright minds

that could be anything if somebody would give them half a chance.

Goodbye, Garcia.

Oh...

Don't...

Jan, what's the matter?

It's what I came here to tell you.

Jan...

It's Bill. He's asked me to marry him.

Jan, don't...

And he wants an answer by tomorrow.

And...

And?

And I'm going to tell him yes.

I figured that I... I ought to tell you first.

I mean, I owe you that much.

Harry.

It wasn't going to work out between you and me.

I needed certain things just like you did.

I know that I was ruined and destroyed,

but that's the way I am now.

And I need a normal life.

Like you, Harry.

You went back to school

because you had to make something of your life.

Well, so do I.

Anyway,

I've decided,

and I want you to know.

I wish you'd yell at me or something, Harry.

Help me, Harry!

I can't help you.

I got nothing left to give.

They took everything.

Even you.

Let them have it.

Whatever they want. Do you understand?

'Cause they're not going to stop me.

I'm going to take the oral, and I'm going to pass it.

And I'm going to be a teacher,

and I'm going to teach

the truth

to somebody.

I love you.

Goodbye.

Harry, come on.

You know, I know I've been in a bad way.

And I don't remember what happened.

I mean, did I do something wrong?

Hey, you know, I went down the induction center,

and they wouldn't take me.

They stamped "constitutionally inferior" on my papers.

I mean, do you believe that?

It figures.

The Marines want guys who are crazy about killing.

They don't want guys who are just crazy.

Hey, man, are you mad at me?

I mean, look, you know, if I did something wrong...

Wow, I mean, I'm sorry.

I mean, I wouldn't do anything to hurt you.

Jesus Christ!

In this whole horrible mess, can't I even have the luxury of hating you?

Hold this, will you?

Nick.

Oh, here you are, Harry.

Come on, they're waiting for you.

The committee has assembled to create a bad impression.

...from the dragon, who is represented by Error.

And it takes 12 cantos for the knight to prevail.

But perhaps more interesting

is the political allegory beneath the moral allegory.

Elizabeth I is the knight's Queen.

Lord Leicester is Prince Arthur,

and Mary Queen of Scots is represented by Duessa or Falsehood.

That's very good.

Who's your favorite contemporary American novelist?

Fitzgerald is, for one, with Gatsby.

William Faulkner, Sound and Fury.

Nathanael West's Miss Lonelyhearts.

Excuse me?

Can we go back?

There's fairly general agreement, at least among scholars,

that Tender Is the Night is Fitzgerald's major work,

but you... You mentioned Gatsby.

Why?

Well, I suppose because the character of Gatsby fascinates me so.

His great illusion that you can use wealth or power

to buy back the life you misspent trying to acquire them.

It's the American dream.

And the character of Nick Carraway is masterfully drawn.

From page one, it's fascinating

how Fitzgerald makes you believe

he's going to be telling you the truth.

Ahhh!

And does Carraway tell the truth?

Sure, so far as he knows it.

So far as he knows it.

And as quickly as he finds it out,

we get Gatsby's whole story, beautifully complete.

And Carraway's whole story.

Carraway's story? Mmm-hmm.

Carraway's story? It's not his book.

I'm afraid you miss the point, Mr. Bailey.

It is, in a most important way, Carraway's story.

Let me show you what I mean another way.

What woman serves as Carraway's

romantic interest in the book?

Jordan Baker.

Jordan Baker.

It's an odd name, isn't it?

Do you recall her physical traits?

Of course, yes.

She was lean and she was athletic.

Yes.

And she...

She played golf.

Yeah. She played golf.

A man's game.

She was lean, small-breasted.

In fact, she was altogether very boyish, wasn't she?

Carraway found her attractive.

Precisely, but not attractive enough

to overshadow the primary repressed lust,

that of Carraway for Gatsby!

You think Carraway was queer for Gatsby?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

It's just that it's such a revelation.

Your naivete amazes me, Mr. Bailey.

Did you truly overlook the homosexuality

at the core of The Great Gatsby?

I did.

I...

I guess basically I did.

Because my mind was on other things.

But now that you've

pointed out,

I can see how

you can interpret it that...

Interpret it?

F. Scott Fitzgerald was driven by a terrible need

to express his own homosexual panic

through his characters, Mr. Bailey!

Homosexual panic?

Fitzgerald?

The man was a homosexual, Mr. Bailey.

I don't think he was.

Well, everybody knows that.

Well...

Isn't that right?

It's...

It's possible. It's...

It's possible, but... I don't... He wouldn't...

It's possible. I...

But I feel, if it's...

It's possible. I think it might... it would be...

It's possible, but it's...

It's going to be a surprise to Sheila Graham!

I beg your pardon?

I said, it's going to be a hell of a surprise to Sheila Graham!

Mr. Bailey.

Zelda is not going to believe that!

Mr. Bailey, what is the major verse form of English literature?

The limerick is the major verse form of the English language!

Calm yourself, Mr. Bailey.

No, no, no, the limerick is very pertinent to our discussion

of Fitzgerald's sexuality!

Haven't you heard? Haven't you heard?

Mr. Bailey!

One day gay F. Scott in his gloom

Took a lesbian up to his room

They argued all night As to who had the right

To do what and with which and to whom!

I think we've had enough of this!

No, no, no!

Dr. Hesselwhite, the writers of your century had their hang-ups, too.

Even Shakespeare. Stop it! Stop it, Mr. Bailey!

Do you know Shakespeare?

A young bawd in a brothel did waken

To find all her organs were aching

She thought it was Will's doing

But all that rough screwing

Was authored by Sir Francis Bacon!

Stop it!

Stop this farce! Stop it!

This farce! Stop it! Wait!

Gentlemen, scholars! From this inspired beginning,

the limerick evolved downward to its present level.

Until by the 18th century we had...

Blind Milton left God in the skies

To leap on his wife by surprise

He said, "Dear, I can't see So if you'll open your knee

"It will help to me find paradise!"

How dare you do that in here!

Filthy, rotten, trashy boy!

This board of examiners is adjourned!

Wait a minute, gentlemen!

This is my master's oral!

This is my master's!

I need some attention!

Let go of me! Leave me alone!

Come here.

You look like an anal invert

who practices autoeroticism.

Oh, God. Please don't!

You son of a...

Have you heard about the old man from Corfu?

Or the young man from Kent?

Why, Harry?

Why throw it all away like that?

I'm sorry, Kasper.

I truly am.

I couldn't help it.

What are you going to do now?

Kasper.

Don't you understand?

It's not what you do that counts.

It's what you are.

Whoopee.

Jan! Jan!

Jan, I got it back! I got it back!

I failed! I failed the master's!

How come?

I didn't like it.

I don't belong there.

What about Dr. Greengrass?

I told him no.

How come?

I don't like him. I don't belong there.