Original subtitles

- El Presidente. - Mm-hm.

Ah-ah.

Turn around, yeah.

Move up right, get behind that wall. It's good cover.

Get down, get down. Move to the right.

Nice shooting, 91.

Like the way I look holding a gun, baby girl?

Don't call me that, I was being sarcastic. You didn't hit anything.

So what? At least I look good.

When there's real bad guys, you get your head blown off...

...at least your arms will still look awesome.

- Look, the boys need to breathe. - Mm-hm.

You and the boys go left, and I'll come in behind.

I got a little something else up my sleeve.

- Not that this isn't plenty. - Ugh...

Come on, we don't have time for this. What is it?

Watch this.

Whoa.

Optical Camouflage Technology.

A little something Bruce and Lloyd been working on for me.

So you go left, and I'll sneak in behind them.

Good luck, baby girl.

Warriors, come out and play.

Yoo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, what rhymes with CIA?

Loser.

Hold your fire, hold your fire.

That's a dummy, dummies.

With my clothes.

Why do they call you the CIA anyway? They should call you the DAS.

Dumb as shit.

And ugly too. Get out of my face.

Whoa. Hey, what was that for?

Take that. - Take that, take that.

- Ow! My balls. - Oh, my...

Wait a minute, stop.

That's beautiful. Time for an invisible victory dance.

I guess CONTROL kicked your ass.

We beat you, we beat you, that's right.

That's for you, that's for you. You lose, we win, we win.

You lose and spin it and spin it and spin it. Let's go.

What are you doing?

I thought I was invisible.

Even if you were, what are you doing?

Hey, come on, fellas. It's all in fun.

You guys are like family.

I'm sorry. Hey, hey, I'm sorry.

Battery life.

It's a limiting factor in so many technologies.

- My eye. So frustrating.

Can you mute that?

- Sweet mother of God. - Yeah.

Thanks.

They're close to perfecting the OCT. We should move.

Good work.

We're on.

Americans spying on Americans.

Somehow that seems so...

Patriotic?

Exactly.

Hey, did you hear Max didn't make agent?

Sorry about that. - No problem.

He took the test and everything, but the chief wouldn't promote him.

He's a great analyst. I say be happy with what you're good at.

Look at us. We're good at tech stuff, so that's what we do.

- Best weapons money can buy. - Bruce.

Total dedication.

- Man, I'm hungry, early lunch? - Definitely.

I will fix this.

Why is that door always broken?

Why is our main elevator a telephone booth?

Good point.

Oh, hello, underchief. - Where are you two going, early lunch?

- Yes. Why? - No. Why?

Good Lord, we're in the spy business. Lie better.

I was over at the Pentagon getting an earful...

...about when they're gonna see your Optical Camouflage Technology.

Well, they'll never see it.

It's invisible.

Uh, sir, we did test the OCT this morning...

...and we're still having a tiny battery-life issue.

But I am sure we'll easily make our delivery date.

Which has been moved up to the end of this week.

- When did that happen? - Just now, didn't you hear me?

My arrogant brother at the CIA would love to see me fail, and that's not gonna happen.

Not when I'm next in line to be top dog, should our beloved chief ever retire.

- I mean, what is he, 200? - Well, he uses a lot of moisturizer.

We're done talking here. Make a hole.

Think I'll give my brother a call.

See if I can't make that little vein in his eye pop again.

Not one word.

Hello?

Hello? Who's there?

It's me, I'll call you back.

The OCT's our most important project.

We can't let it be another failed experiment.

It's not failed.

It just doesn't work. Ah.

No worse than your, uh, super stun gun. Makes people laugh.

Maybe I wanted it that way.

Oh, Tickle Taser? Giggle Gun?

Yeah, your crappy little peashooter is any better?

It's supposed to be a crowd-control weapon.

You know, high-energy beam makes you fall unconscious.

Unfortunately, all it does is this.

Oh, it looks like the underchief. Just with more hair.

What?

You staring at my hair?

I know, I know, my girlfriend put in these highlights.

That's it, I'm gonna wash them out. They look ridiculous.

- He's gonna lose the rest of his hair? - Oh, yeah.

In three, two, one.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- Hey, Nina, how's the forensics lab? - Oh, it's pretty bad.

I lost almost all my flesh-eating beetle larvae.

- Oh, bummer. - Yeah.

Nina.

Oh, is that her name?

I didn't know that.

Yeah, right.

You totally like her.

- She smells funny. - So what? She's hot.

She's pretty, but she works with dead flesh. That smell doesn't dissipate.

No, he actually said that?

Oh, no, that is so wrong.

You know what? If you ask me, I think I...

Mm.

I'm gonna call you back on a landline.

Fine. Come on, Mr. Picky, we got work to do.

Okay.

The power matrix for the OCT only lasts for about six minutes.

That's disgusting. They put cheese on a pretzel?

Oh, you can put cheese on anything.

Holy Lord.

Dude, you said that really...

Holy Lord.

- Static electricity is the answer. - Yes, it is.

No, the battery-life problem to the OCT.

The fabric is very staticky, which we thought was a problem, but what if?

What if we added another fiber to create positive and negative poles?

Allowing the motion of fabric to generate electricity.

Then it could recharge its own batteries. That's genius.

No.

Genius would be to follow her to see if the static increases or decreases.

Oh, I agree.

Here we go.

Check it out.

We've just boosted the charge to last about 24 hours, thank you very much.

That is excellent.

- We're back in the win column, my friend. - You know, I feel proud.

Already we're rising from the ashes.

This technology's gonna do some real good in the world.

And you know what that means.

Yes, you can lower your goofy hands and do something useful.

Let's order the keg.

Don't drink and drive.

This may be our finest hour.

I know. I just wish Max were here.

Tickle Taser.

I'm glad somebody's getting some use out of that thing.

This is the coolest thing ever. How does it work?

Turns any pair of shoes into gecko feet.

Unbelievable, you guys are geniuses.

Hey, hey, hand me a margarita. I'm gonna try and drink it while... Whoa! Oh...

Well, that explains it.

He didn't double knot.

Who's that talking to Neil?

She seems nice.

- How do you know she's nice? - She's talking to Neil.

He doesn't even have eyebrows.

Hi, Lloyd. What do you want to do with me?

I win again.

Darn, I've gotten so bad at this game.

Lloyd, Bruce.

Bob Mansfield, CIA.

Yes, Bob, we've met.

Many times.

Hola, amigos, sweet fiesta.

Word around the CIA is you've perfected the battery life...

...of the Optical Camouflage Technology.

- How'd you know about that? - Um, we're the CIA.

- Gonna give us a peek, a little looksie-loo? - We're not showing it to you.

You're just gonna reverse engineer and take all the credit.

Besides, sharing has to go both ways. Otherwise, it's called taking.

Like what you did with my Wii controller.

- Thought I gave that back. - No, you didn't.

Hey, Nina. Hey, how's it going? You having a good time?

- Yeah, it's great. - Bruce, it's Nina.

- Check it out, Nina. - Hey, hi.

How's things at Forensics?

Mm, pretty dead, actually.

- It's awesome. - Ha-ha-ha.

Nobody in my family ever gets that joke.

I totally got it.

I got it too. Ha-ha-ha.

All right, well, see you.

That was weird.

She didn't smell funny.

Yeah, I noticed that too.

- Maybe you should talk to her a bit more. - Nah. Not the right time.

No, I think you should do it right now.

- Do it, do it, do it. - Gotta go slowly, let it simmer.

Low probability of success, makes me desperate.

Hey, you're already desperate. Go get her.

- Hey. - Hey.

May I offer you a refill?

Yeah, sure. Thank you.

- Um... Sorry, looks like the keg is out. - Oh.

Um...

Well, I've got some alcohol up in the lab.

Yeah, but that's isopropyl alcohol.

It's just disinfectant. If you drink it, it'll kill you.

I was actually talking about the bottle of tequila in my desk. Ha.

I work with dead bodies. Sometimes I need to unwind. Ahem.

Let's unwind.

Okay.

Hello, I'm Isabella.

Hello, Is...

Okay.

Dang it.

Great party last night.

Way better than last year's.

Well, yeah.

No one vomited in the centrifuge.

Yeah, that was a lot of paper towels.

- What was that? - I don't know.

Come on, help me with the door.

Oh, man.

We're gonna die.

Wait a minute.

Why is my life not flashing before my eyes?

Your mother's right.

Oh, my God, I do have no life.

I am spending too much time in front of the computer.

- Listen to me. - Aah...

We cannot panic.

We're gonna get through this.

Okay. Can you let go of my face?

Will you listen to me?

Yes, but I really want you to let go of my face.

Cut the power to those breakers.

Good morning, Judy.

It's pretty grim, huh?

Well, did Bruce come in already?

- I don't know. - Oh.

- Do you know who Bruce is? - Yeah.

- But you don't know if he walked by? - No.

Okay.

You know, um, we are all hurting.

And I just wanna say if there's anything I can do for you...

Like what?

I don't know.

That's why I'm leaving it open-ended.

You know, sometimes a tragedy can bring people closer together.

Or sometimes people prefer to go it alone.

Like you, probably.

Okay.

That wasn't my fault.

Helena Bonham Carter. Was there unauthorized revelry in here?

No, no, no, it was the explosion.

Shockwave reached all the way down here, really knocked a lot of stuff loose.

We're working on a beer-based solvent.

It's very technical.

- Where's my invisible blanket? - You sure it's not on your desk?

- It's invisible. - Think you're funny?

- Think I don't know what's what? - What?

Chief survived and resumed command. No one's happier about that than me.

He's one durable son of a bitch, but I'm in charge of you, Bruce.

- I'm Lloyd. - Do I look stupid to you?

I promised the chief the invisibility technology is forthcoming.

So where the forth is it?

Oh, it's right here in this cabinet, sir.

You know what? I just remembered we still have a bit more work to do on it.

It's got a torn hem. Um...

But I assure you, I can have it to you easily by the end of the day.

All right, easy. Stress is the number one cause of herpes.

Headaches. Which reminds me.

We have two secret agents, Max and 99, who will die if they stop being secret.

Can you imagine how useful it might be were they to be invisible at this time?

Got it, life and death, very clear.

Good. If I have to come down here one more time...

...it's gonna be with a bullwhip and a hockey mask.

Understood, sir.

It's not here.

It's not even here.

It's missing, it's gone.

The OCT is MIA.

- NFW. - We are dead.

- We're not. - We are.

You, right now, are looking at a dead man.

Whoo.

Is it hot in here?

Is it? I must faint now.

OMG.

Good, you're back.

Listen, maybe the OCT is here, but it's just turned on, so we can't see it.

- Why wouldn't it be in the cabinet? - Maybe at the party, someone took it out.

To impress another someone.

Which it did, by the way.

- Oh, my God. - Look, it'll be fine.

The batteries will wear out, and it'll be visible in four hours.

- We're dead. - I told you.

The OCT's...

The OCT is the most important stealth technology ever created.

I know. Bruce, come on.

Listen, the amount of damage it would do national security...

...if it fell into the wrong hands is incalculable.

- And if KAOS has gotten hold of it... - Okay, I'm hot.

- Are you hot right now? - Do not faint again.

We can figure this out.

Who had motive and who had opportunity?

Okay, let's just go through the list.

Who else knew about the OCT and would benefit from?

- Bob and Howard. - Freaking CIA, man.

Give it.

- Give what? - Oh, you know what, don't push me.

Well, hold up, big man. Be a shame if we were forced to kick your asses in public.

No, what would be a shame is if someone dropped nanorobots in your coffee...

...got lodged in your colon and gave you 30 years of diarrhea.

All right, fine. Here's your stupid Wiimote.

- That's not what he's talking about. - But I'll take that too.

The Optical Camouflage Technology. We know you stole it at the party.

- You wanna go? - Oh, you got something? Bring it.

Let's dance.

I can dance all night.

Hey, guys, look, we would never steal from you.

What are we doing?

We're all on the same team now.

What team is that?

America.

Perhaps you've heard of it.

Well, if you hear of anything...

Of course.

Hey, can I get a Chicago with extra onions, extra mustard and extra relish?

No red pieces, I don't know what those are.

How can you eat? I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

- There you go. - Gotta eat past that, man.

Now I kind of feel guilty about accusing Bob and Howard.

Well, they can be jerks, but deep inside, they're decent guys.

Those guys are morons.

All we have to do is recover the OCT before them, we get all the credit.

You have no ethics at all, do you, Bob?

We're the good guys, CIA.

When we do something, that makes it ethical.

- Hey, Nina. - Hey, is Bruce around?

No, he went up to Human Resources.

- at least once an hour ever since. Can you imagine?

I don't think the chief ever sleeps.

Uh, sir, I think you started talking before you pressed the button.

Could you repeat that?

What? I can't hear you.

But you better have an answer for me, so get your butts up here.

I am a good-looking man.

I am, I'm a good-looking man.

- Sir, you need to... - No question about it.

You have to, uh, press the button again to turn it off.

Goldarn it.

Little... Aah.

I gotta go, the senator's here.

- Hi. - Where's Lloyd?

I'm Lloyd, sir.

I've worked here for eight years.

Well, chief asked Bruce to, uh, set up a satellite scan. I could interrupt them if...

Why are you still talking there when I'm here?

Sorry, sir.

Watch and tell me if you notice anything unusual.

This man is Klaus Kraus, president of Maraguay.

A small, angry nation sandwiched between Paraguay and Uruguay.

Don't ask why. Huh? Huh?

Now watch this.

This was taken outside the Maraguayan Embassy.

The man you see here works for Kraus.

That was my reaction too. I mean, how can a man just disappear?

Why, it's almost as if he had some sort of invisibility cloak.

We're the only ones who have that technology.

Really? If I asked you to produce it for me this instant, what would you say?

Well... Huh.

"Well, huh. " That's what I thought you'd say.

We can't have a hostile dictator wandering around Washington, D.C., invisible.

He might sell it to KAOS.

Or France.

That would be bad, sir.

Unfortunately, all our agents are compromised except 99 and 86.

And they're off in Russia trying to prevent the annihilation of the world.

I have to rely on you and the other pinhead.

Us? But Bruce and I are just lab guys.

We're not qualified.

I'm painfully aware of that, but I will not have my reputation stained...

...when I'm this close to being the big kahuna.

The president of Maraguay is leaving the country on Friday.

You have till Thursday, that's one day before.

Get out, come back and bring me something I can't see.

I'll try.

You'd better. There's an old Navy expression:

"If I go down, you go down on me. "

- You lost me, sir. - Well, how about this:

I'll ruin your lives.

Get out!

I love when they run. Ha.

So are you saying that the underchief...

...is willing to jeopardize national security just to protect his own ass?

Yeah, I know it's unheard of in government, but...

What are you gonna do?

- Nice shot. - Deuce.

So we can't just walk into the Maraguayan Embassy and say:

"Oh, excuse me, I believe you have something of ours. "

Problem is, we have no skills.

Like breaking into buildings, stealing stuff, shooting people.

Nice shot.

Game, set, match, Bruce.

Wait a minute.

We don't have to break into the embassy.

You're right.

We could send Neil.

No, even better.

Behold.

- Where's my turtle? - He's fine.

He's in the bathroom sink.

What do you think of Hyme?

Well, is he fully functional?

Some of his wiring was damaged when he was stolen from KAOS.

So far, he only does this.

Does he speak?

If you relax, your death will be much quicker.

Okay, almost there.

Now, before we send Hyme to the embassy, we need to test his motor skills.

Rock 'n' roll.

Okay, this is very simple.

We're gonna ask you to perform a series of fine-motor-skill activities.

The computer will capture movements and upload them into the robot.

- Um, I don't wanna do this. We don't have time to argue.

Pick up the pencil with your left hand.

Put down the pencil. Put it down, Neil.

Put down the pencil, Neil.

Put it down, put it down.

Well, he may not be 100 percent ready...

...but we've got no other choice.

Okay, we're powered up.

Send in the Hyme.

That's what he's called.

Go left.

Go left.

- Left. - He's not responding.

Mayday, we got sprinklers.

Abort, abort.

Abort, abort.

Abort.

Did you reseal the moisture barrier?

I thought you did.

Great. First the OCT, now we lost the Hyme head.

Found it.

We're never gonna get Hyme operational.

We're gonna have to break in, which we're gonna suck at.

They're gonna arrest us, kill us and torture us.

You're ridiculous. After they kill us, they can't torture us.

The worst they could do is desecrate our bodies.

We can't do this.

We're not equipped.

We're not agents, we can't go in the field.

We rarely go out for lunch.

Stop it.

We can do this, we're smart people, I went to MIT.

You know what? North Dakota Polytechnic has a very rigorous program.

There are many roads to the same goal.

Dude, I wasn't mocking.

Sounded like you were.

Oh, God. Hide the computer, hide everything.

They're gonna desecrate our bodies.

- Hi, Nina. - Hi.

Hey, Lloyd, I have good news about the OCT.

- You told her? - Did you show him the footage?

Right.

Lloyd, remember the girl in the red dress?

Vaguely. I mean, there were so many beautiful girls I spoke to that night.

Somebody videoed it with a cell phone, e- mailed it around the office.

Hello, I'm Isabella.

Hello, Is...

Hello, Is...

Hello, Is...

I don't normally look at those, but this was just kind of funny.

Well, anyways, check this out.

Don't pay attention to Karl groping Andrea.

- Hey. - Look behind them.

She's the one that stole the OCT?

She seemed so nice.

And lookie, lookie.

She works for the Maraguayan Embassy?

She must be our thief.

You are so smart.

She went to Caltech, you know.

- Where is he? - I don't know.

Message said for him to meet us here.

You failed.

The Maraguayans got to the OCT first.

Tell me why I shouldn't kill you right now.

Well, because we work for you.

And because it would be murder.

And our last performance review was mostly favorable.

Pipe down. If I wanted you dead...

...you'd be gurgling that last sentence through a blood bubble.

Now, listen, you're gonna get that invisible blanket into CIA hands...

...before my brother at CONTROL can recover it.

He's been texting me about how he's going to humiliate me at Thanksgiving this year.

And let me tell you something, he does not get to humiliate me.

I humiliate him.

That is our relationship.

- It's understood, sir. - Shut up.

You know, I was born two hours before him.

Nature wanted me to survive.

In the lion pride, they kill the runt of the litter, but not in our family.

He's so small.

Better give him the bigger boob.

Well, who's got the bigger boob now?

I thought twins were supposed to have an emotional bond.

That's a bunch of Hallmark crap.

Same shoes, matching outfits.

No kid looks good in a vest.

- You're right about that, sir. - Don't suck up, just get it.

What are you doing? Reading the CONTROL manual.

Apparently, being a spy mostly consists...

...of sneaking up on people and shooting them.

- I'm not comfortable with that. - There is one thing.

During World War II, the British used a technique called the honeytrap.

I like honey.

- Not food honey, sexual honey. - Ew.

You simply use your manly wiles and entrap the female target.

In this case, Isabella.

Where are your glasses?

What are you wearing?

It's Italian. Nina likes it.

I can see your nipples.

- No one asked you to look. - I don't think it's regulation.

Well, I will change it if I need to go upstairs.

- Anyway. - Anyway.

Check this. Here are the building schematics to the Maraguayan Embassy.

- There's a safe in El Presidente's bedroom. - That must be where the OCT is.

Agreed. All I need to do is get a date with Isabella, use her to get into the embassy...

...and retrieve the OCT. - Why you?

Well, I think that's obvious.

- I think it isn't. - I have a girlfriend.

I choose not to at this time.

This is too important. You never speak to women.

- You have no skills. - What?

I have skills.

I got, like, crazy skills.

Like, crazy, mad skills, it's insane...

Fine, you really think you can do this?

I know I can.

All right. Go, player.

Rock it.

- Hey, Judy. - Don't lean on my desk.

Uh...

What you doing there? Is that a crossword?

- So? - So nothing.

I just...

I also like crosswords. Huh.

Wow, I didn't really know that we had that much in common.

Actually, it's pretty crazy. Hm-hm.

Are you hitting on me?

No. Wow, no, no, not at all.

I just...

Okay, actually, I was practicing hitting on someone on you.

Look, I know we really don't talk a lot, but I've been assigned this case.

And there's this female suspect, but I don't go out a lot.

Well, I go outside, outdoors. Ha-ha.

But I just don't go out.

With women. I want to.

Obviously, I want to.

Yes, I want to, but...

Not because there's a lack of interest. It's not lack of anything. Ha.

If you know what I mean.

I'm just dedicated to my work.

I think that's pretty admirable.

Will you please help me?

- Give her flowers. - That's it?

And don't talk.

Even when I give her the flowers?

Because I think if I don't say anything, it might get a little awkward. Ha-ha.

I mean, to me.

Oh.

Got it.

Well, thank you for your help.

I'll go.

- What? - Why haven't you talked to her yet?

- How do you know I haven't? - Because I'm watching you.

The street cameras. Hello? What is taking you so long?

Maraguayan president's leaving in two days. We have to get the OCT back before then.

Now, man up.

I'd have confidence if I was wearing one of your nipple shirts.

I'm hanging up now.

Hi, Isabella. Isabella, is that you?

Remember me?

May I help you, sir?

- Uh, it's okay, I'm meeting someone. - Not in here.

- Excuse me? - We have a dress code.

You're not wearing socks.

Come on.

I mean, a lot of people don't wear socks.

I can see four women in sandals and no socks.

Do you see any men with no socks?

- I don't know, I didn't check them all. - Well, I have.

I'm not gonna go all the way home and put on socks...

...just so I can sit in your snooty restaurant.

Come on, this is retarded.

My cousin is retarded.

I'm sorry.

I'll be right back.

- Hold up there, big man. - Bob?

- Yeah. - What are you doing here?

How about you and I go down the street, and I'll buy you a couple of pizzas?

Right, you're just a lab rat like me.

You really think I'm gonna believe you have a gun under there?

- Oh, jeez. - Excuse me, gentlemen.

Isabella, right? Howard. I met you at the party the other night.

Mike, thanks again.

My pleasure, Bob. Are we still on for Cirque du Soleil?

Come here. A little out of your league, aren't you?

Why don't you let the agency handle it from here?

Please, sit down.

You let them get to Isabella first? Are you crazy?

I should have done it myself. You have no skills.

Oh, okay. Look who's suddenly God's gift to women.

- Well, I'm the one with the girlfriend. - You mean Yoko?

I find that offensive on so many levels.

You wouldn't even have a girlfriend if it wasn't for me.

Excuse me, I don't remember a really fat Cupid flying over me.

I'm talking about her smell.

The only reason you can tolerate her presence...

...is because I invented a pheromone that neutralizes the formaldehyde emissions.

- That's a lie. - It's the truth.

It's an anti-smell tailored specifically to Nina's repulsive odor.

Like noise-canceling headphones, but for Nina's unique stank.

I've been misting her twice a day secretly.

Not anymore.

I don't care. We don't need your stupid spray.

Oh, yeah? Why don't you call me around 9?

Let me know how that's going.

I'm what?

Oh, come on, Nina. Please don't leave.

I didn't say it was a bad smell.

It's unique, distinctive, idiosyncratic.

For future reference, the word "putrid" is a real mood killer.

Dude.

You're killing me, seriously.

Thank you.

You wanted to see me?

Always. You've done well.

KAOS has offered to pay $50 million for the invisible fabric...

...which, as you know, is double our gross national product.

But now, I think these scientists who created it...

...are worth even more to me.

So I need you to bring them here.

But you already have a weapons expert working for you.

Oh, he is useless.

I give him this spacious prison cell.

I give him some food.

And in 15 years, he gives me nothing of value...

...except some sort of engine that runs on water.

Hello? That's what gasoline is for.

So you will release him.

No, I will shoot him.

Or someone who works for me will shoot him.

Either way, there will be a shooting.

Guys, are we gonna work today or are you just gonna stand...

...in stony silence, like my parents?

Well, Neil, I'm here ready to work...

...whereas Lloyd showed up looking like yesterday's cottage cheese.

Perhaps you should ask him.

Perhaps you can tell Bruce that I'm sorry...

...my grooming does not meet with his approval.

Neil, please tell Lloyd:

Neil, please tell Bruce:

Oh, hey, Nina.

Look, I know that you and Bruce have been friends for a really long time...

...and I just don't want you to think that I'm being Yoko.

Hey. No, no one thinks that.

Ugh. Oh, what is that?

That smells like a dead cat covered in old shrimp. Is that me?

Yeah. Apparently, um, I reek with the stench of death.

- Oh. - Yeah, I'm putrid.

But I'm actually so grateful that he told me, you know?

Ever since I got into forensics in grad school...

...I noticed that people were drifting away from me, like far, far, away.

I thought it was because I was weird or hard to get along with.

You're not. You're nice.

- Well, thank you. - Whoa.

I think a monkey died in the air vent again.

So this is actually a huge relief, you know?

I can look at myself in the mirror and say, "Hey, I do not have a personality defect.

I just smell like rotting flesh. "

That must feel great.

- Yeah. - Oh, God, what is that?

Smells like pig vomit. Pig vomit.

Hey, look. Remember Howard? The one that snaked you with the Maraguayan girl?

Message said for him to meet us here.

We received our own surveillance footage from Langley.

Listen.

Look at them.

We'll find a way to get that invisible blanket into CIA hands.

Bob and Howard know Isabella has the OCT...

...and are meeting at the restaurant tonight.

We have to get there before they do.

Good afternoon, Nina.

Bruce.

I see you're wearing the sunglasses that I bought you.

Yes. I had a bad night, so I finished off that bottle of tequila.

So did you figure something out?

Well, just that Bob and Howard are going after the OCT tonight.

Did you hear me or are we still being childish and not talking?

I can see the OCT.

That's impossible.

Not the whole thing.

Just a tiny test scrap we had left over.

I can see it. Wait.

- It's my glasses. - You invented anti-OCT sunglasses?

No, I didn't invent them. They're Oakleys.

Are you telling me a multi-billion-dollar technology...

...for altering the laws of physics can be defeated by cheap sunglasses?

They're not cheap. They're Oakleys.

They're polarized.

I remember because the salesman told me they're polarized.

I think he was hitting on me.

Well.

Okay. There's Isabella.

Howard should be here any minute.

So, Bruce, notice anything different about Nina?

Your smell, which you don't have.

- Why don't you have it? - Say thank you to Lloyd.

She shouldn't be punished.

You're the one being a dick.

Oh, here he comes.

Look at that little rat trying to steal our invention.

Thank you.

He wants to act like a rodent, we'll treat him like one.

Powering up.

- Hey. - Whoa.

What's the matter?

My hair.

I'll be right back.

I'II...

Go.

Hey, Isabella, right?

Yeah, I'm Lloyd.

Didn't we meet at my party the other night?

I'm here with my friend, Bruce, and his girlfriend, Nina.

And...

Would you want to join us? Come on.

- I got you flowers and everything. - Ha.

Well, maybe I could have just one glass of wine.

Ha.

Great. I'll just have the waiter add another chair.

She said yes?

I gave her flowers.

The chicks dig it.

Just, uh, FYI.

Four, two, one, one, seven...

...zero, six, seven, nine. Zero, six, seven, nine.

Pi to 100 places.

North Dakota Polytechnic must be a very fine school.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I just love her accent.

Waitress, can we have another bottle?

Certainly, sir.

How are we not drunk too?

ANS.

Alcohol Neutralization Solution.

One drop, you might as well be drinking lemonade.

Oh, my gosh. You could make so much money off of that.

We don't do it for the money. We do this for our country.

Oh, I have to warn you.

Your pee will be blue later.

It's harmless, but it can be alarming.

I have them.

But I want to make a deal.

You what?

I don't make deals with my employees.

I have something you want.

I want something too.

I will trade you the Americans for the scientist you already have.

You realize you can never return to Maraguay now, hmm?

The deforested plains, the, uh, third-highest-quality cocaine...

...in all of South America.

Vast fields of old tires.

Yes, I will miss its splendor.

Take it or leave it.

It appears I have no choice.

When she gets here, kill her.

I'm watching Iron Chef and going to bed.

Now all we have to do is get her to invite us...

...to her embassy for a nightcap.

Like that's ever gonna happen.

I have a great idea.

Shh. Shh.

- Dude. - I know.

Shh.

Let's go to the kitchen.

There is wine there.

Wait.

Now I have to go the bathroom.

I will show you where it is.

You, wait here.

You are cute. Ha-ha.

They are cute.

- You know, I think Lloyd really likes you. - Ha-ha.

I know.

It's funny. I've never dated a Asian man.

No, that's Bruce.

Oh, right.

Well, this is going well.

Yeah.

- Why are you saying it like that? - Well, it's just surprising.

I mean, Isabella seemed to fall for you rather easily.

Well, I'm kind of charming.

And three bottles of wine.

That's a lethal combination.

Yeah, I'm sure that's it.

- I got honey. - Shh.

Oh, is that your perfume?

Yes. Yes, it is.

- Would you like to try some? - Oh, sure.

Okay.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Oh, these floors are so disgusting. I hope they mopped.

Isabella should be out by now.

Okay. Let's find that OCT.

Lock and load.

- Oh, shit. - Oh, shit.

- Wait. - What?

The OCT. We've come this far. We've gotta look for it.

The Maraguayans are gonna shoot us.

If we don't find OCT, the underchief's gonna destroy our lives.

I'd rather be shot.

Fine.

- Let's go. - Wait.

- What? - This.

In case we never see each other again.

And thank you.

Thank you for the pheromone spray.

Use it in good health.

Let's split up.

Why are you still standing?

Superior lower-body strength.

You used the gecko spray on your shoes.

And I double-knotted.

Awesome.

Go.

Bruce, what?

What exactly did I do to tick you off so much, Bruce?

No, this isn't Bruce, it's Lloyd.

- Whatever. - Listen, I'm busy right now.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

I'm out here in Podunk, Russia, trying to save the world.

And every time I turn around...

...Max is pulling out some other new gadget that I don't have.

- I really need to go. - Geiger-counter watch.

Mini blowgun with some kind of lizard-foot poison dart...

...which he doesn't even know how to use.

And what do I get?

Exploding dental floss.

- I'm kind of busy. - That's two-year-old technology.

Did I not remember you at Christmas?

Because everyone seemed happy with the fudge.

- What? - We're gonna have words when I get back.

Count on it, Bruce.

It's Lloyd.

God.

I hate that.

They go right there.

This is stupid. It's a huge building, we're never gonna find it.

Shh.

Next time you try your little knock-out spray, I'd up the dosage.

Thankfully, the floors were just mopped.

Do you like me, Bruce?

Or was this whole thing a ruse to get back your invisible poncho?

- Yes, I like you very... - Not you.

- Bruce. - He's Bruce.

- He's Lloyd. - Don't worry, we get that a lot.

Oh, yes, I like you. I like you a lot.

Isabella, it's the truth.

Maybe it's crazy to think that a beautiful girl like you...

...could ever, you know, be attracted to a guy like me.

Huh.

Okay.

Yes.

We need the invisibility cloth.

So I guess we tricked you.

It's just that we can't let this fall into the hands of KAOS.

Too many lives are at stake. That's all.

I will help you.

But not because of your heartfelt speech, which I'm too drunk to remember.

Really? It wasn't that long ago.

- I just finished it. - No, that's enough. That's it.

I will help you for my father.

Fifteen years ago, El Presidente abducted him.

I became a field agent so I could infiltrate their security...

...and one day free him.

But now, time has run out.

El Presidente is going to kill him.

What a jerk.

- True that. - True that.

Let's go.

This way.

The poncho is in El Presidente's safe.

Don't worry. He's a very heavy sleeper.

- What if he hears us? - He's also a very heavy drinker.

Shh.

Isabella.

Oh, that was actually my perfume.

This one.

Hurry, open the safe.

- He will be angry. - What's the combination?

I don't know. You're spies, you figure it out.

- What's his birthday? - November 12th, 1956, of course.

It is a national holiday.

Because he's an egotistical asshole.

Why?

Works 90 percent of the time. People are idiots.

Random numbers, hello? Ha.

Fifty-six.

Woo-hoo! It worked.

Oh, no. It's not here.

We're dead. - It's not here.

We are so dead.

- Guys. - Oh, yeah.

- Give me the cloth. - Isabella?

What is with all the violence?

You have done all I needed.

I will be keeping that.

- This was too easy. - She doesn't know what she's doing.

- She's had seven glasses of wine. - In Maraguay...

...we have seven glasses of wine on our Cheerios.

- Wow. - I just needed a spy to open the safe.

I will say that you drugged me, stole it back.

When in reality, I have the cloth...

...which I can then use to sneak my father out of prison.

That's a really smart plan.

Se�or Presidente? - Shit.

Se�or Presidente.

- Sorry. - Looks like your plan isn't so smart.

If we get caught, so do you.

We won't get caught. Now, shut up.

So decisive.

Stop.

Ow.

Was that a gun?

I think so.

Glock, semi-automatic, 9 mm.

Do you like pie?

Hey. Eyes on the prize.

Yeah. Okay.

Nina, you okay? - Yeah.

Isabella's breasts broke my fall.

Uh, those were my breasts. Oh.

Whoa.

You foolish girl.

You thought you could make a deal with me?

I'm gonna kill you.

You will be tortured.

You can't torture someone after you killed them.

The worst you...

Let them go.

I'm the one you want.

No. I am.

I'm the brains. I went to MIT.

You know what? He did.

- Take him. - Dude, I'm trying to...

I gave the Tickle Taser a little power boost.

But it's basically harmless.

And he's pretty much dead.

Now, it was actually the moose head that got him.

It's that what you're saying?

Okay. Thank you.

Here. You can have this now.

You don't need it to free your father from prison?

El Presidente is dead, impaled by a stuffed elk head.

In my country, that is the most shameful way to die.

In many, actually.

How's a guy like that get to be president?

The usual way.

Bribery, murder and a free election sponsored by the United States.

Oh, and followed by a bloodbath...

...and a complete suppression of human rights.

I'm sorry I had to use you.

Goodbye.

Say something.

Isabella?

Stay.

I cannot.

I must go to my country and free my father.

Plus, I have a boyfriend.

Oh, sure.

- Obviously. - He is a Formula One racecar driver.

- I had a feeling. - His father is a prince.

- Okay. - He can do 600 pushups.

His abdominal muscles are like the shell of a tortoise.

Please stop. It's enough.

You are a good man.

And someday, I am certain you will find someone.

- Yeah. - I am sure she's out there.

Goodbye, Bruce.

It's Lloyd.

That's fine.

So you and Nina are okay?

Yeah. I apologized for calling her putrid and she forgave me for being an idiot.

Oh, there was also a significant purchase of flowers.

Thank you for the tip.

Good job, guys. Well done.

- Well, it's about time you two showed up. - What's going on?

Your Maraguayan dolly gave us information...

...on her country's relationship to KAOS.

Thousands of lives saved. I didn't hear everything the president said.

President of the United States?

No. The president of your high school chess club, dipstick...

...which was probably you in the first place.

- I was. - He's really smart.

I'm supposed to give you both presidential medals of freedom...

...certificate, grateful nation, night in the Lincoln Bedroom, blah, blah, blah.

It's all in the bag. Thirty-six years. Never got a party, never got a bag.

- I think it's growing back. - Uh-huh.

- Touch it. - No.

Touch it. It's soft, feels like it's down.

I'm not gonna touch it.

Looks good, though, right?

Yeah. Looks great.

You're not just saying that?

No. I am just saying that. You look like an infant.

Whoa, you haven't gotten very far.

I think you're gonna be in here all night.

If you're not gonna help me dry, get out.

I don't think I can.

The family rule, as I recall, is the least-successful son does the dishes.

Come over here and say that.

Oh, I'm so scared.

What are you gonna do, waterboard me?

CIA doesn't do that anymore.

Really?

What do you do?

You guys are sick.

I'm telling Mom.

Hello, handsome.

Listen, I, uh, got a few more minutes before my lunch is over.

- Wanna go grab a coffee? - No.

Okay.

You know what?

I think you gotta open up your mind, because you and me, we could be good.

A lot of women...

Few women, couple...

At least a couple women screamed my name.

It's mostly because I step on their foot or walk in the wrong bathroom.

But the point is, Judy, you know, I come by this desk every single day.

And you know what? Sooner or later, you have to deal with all this.

Because this doesn't stop.

This is like the ocean, and it's gonna keep coming at you in waves.

Wearing you down, rusting out your undercarriage.

Because you know why? It's salty.

Like sweat.

And tears.

Potato chips too.

Did you hear the part about the ocean?

Yeah, I heard it.

Really?

Okay.

You'd better. There's an old Navy expression:

"If I go down, you go down on me. "

You lost me, sir.

Well, it is the Navy. Ha-ha-ha.

Here's this.

Sorry.

You and me, let's dance all night.

Party, party, dance, dance.

Can't, can't, wait, wait. Mm. Mm.

- What are you doing? - Sorry.

Look, I know you and Bruce have been friends for a really long time...

...and I just don't want you to think that I'm being Yoko.

Hey, no.

No one thinks that.

That smells like my uncle's leather pants.

Ugh. It smells like my mom's arm stump in here.

Gary, would you change your damn colostomy bag?

Don't give me that look. You know it's you.

I don't believe it.

A pumpkin wouldn't fit.

All I know, it's called the Emperor's Club, on K Street.

Look at him. Buying flowers for Isabella.

He is so clich�.

Actually, flowers are nice.

- Really? - Mm-hm.

I always thought what was important was communication, connection, intimacy.

Oh, yeah.

But in the absence of that, we like flowers.

Wow. Is?

- Do you have any other advice? - Don't stare at her tits.

Ever?

Well, at least, not at first.

Did I faint?

No. There was an explosion. I think CONTROL's under attack.

I smell almonds.

Don't worry. I'm gonna get you to safety.

I can get up.

That would be better.

I don't wanna do this.

Oh, come on, this is science.

It's exciting.

Pick up the hammer.

Pound the nail.

Good morning.

Neil? Where's Judy?

She got a job in another department.

So are you subbing till they find a replacement?

No. This is my new job.

I transferred out of the lab.

- Why? - Why?

You are a good man.

And someday, I am certain you will find someone.

She probably won't look like me, but I'm sure she's out there.

Hmm.

Goodbye, Bruce.

It's Lloyd.

That's okay.

Don't feel bad.

I don't think she's that bright.