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1
00:00:00,993 --> 00:00:03,287
[School bell rings, indistinct talking]
2
00:00:03,329 --> 00:00:04,678
Excuse me.
3
00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:06,918
No, Evan. We still
haven't heard from Yale
4
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:09,087
on your obscenely early
admissions request.
5
00:00:09,129 --> 00:00:10,555
They'll come around.
6
00:00:10,597 --> 00:00:13,233
Actually I'm here because I need
to use your phone to call my mom.
7
00:00:13,275 --> 00:00:15,116
Okay, are you sick, have
you soiled yourself,
8
00:00:15,158 --> 00:00:16,494
or do you have a note saying that you've
9
00:00:16,536 --> 00:00:18,062
recently experienced the loss of a pet?
10
00:00:18,104 --> 00:00:20,265
I left my recreational reading at home.
11
00:00:20,307 --> 00:00:21,799
I wanted to finish "The Art of War"
12
00:00:21,841 --> 00:00:23,235
before my fencing match today,
13
00:00:23,277 --> 00:00:26,138
and I planned to read
8 1/2 pages at lunch.
14
00:00:26,180 --> 00:00:29,807
I'm gonna mark you down for "sick".
15
00:00:29,849 --> 00:00:31,243
[Buttons beeping]
16
00:00:31,285 --> 00:00:32,410
[Phone dialing]
17
00:00:32,452 --> 00:00:33,879
- Hello?
- Grandma?
18
00:00:33,921 --> 00:00:35,247
I need to talk to Mommy.
19
00:00:35,289 --> 00:00:36,920
Jessica: You don't need
to get me on the phone.
20
00:00:36,962 --> 00:00:38,171
I'm right here.
21
00:00:39,393 --> 00:00:40,785
Mommy? Oh, no.
22
00:00:40,827 --> 00:00:41,919
Am I having the dream again?
23
00:00:41,961 --> 00:00:43,921
Pinch yourself. I'm real.
24
00:00:43,963 --> 00:00:45,409
I'm your new principal.
25
00:00:46,366 --> 00:00:48,693
That's not technically
or even remotely true.
26
00:00:48,735 --> 00:00:51,429
The PTA wasn't giving me enough
power over the teachers,
27
00:00:51,471 --> 00:00:52,830
so I'm shadowing Principal Hunter
28
00:00:52,872 --> 00:00:54,332
to see if I want to take his job.
29
00:00:54,374 --> 00:00:56,634
A job like mine at a different school.
30
00:00:56,676 --> 00:00:57,769
Sure.
31
00:00:57,811 --> 00:00:59,185
Grandma: _
32
00:00:59,227 --> 00:01:02,980
_
33
00:01:03,317 --> 00:01:06,720
Hairy-chested, like I like them.
34
00:01:07,687 --> 00:01:10,047
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
35
00:01:10,089 --> 00:01:11,168
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
36
00:01:11,210 --> 00:01:12,950
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
37
00:01:12,992 --> 00:01:15,220
♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪
38
00:01:15,262 --> 00:01:16,488
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
39
00:01:16,530 --> 00:01:18,823
♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪
40
00:01:18,865 --> 00:01:20,292
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
41
00:01:20,334 --> 00:01:21,773
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪
42
00:01:24,404 --> 00:01:26,531
Eddie is going to be taking
you to your fencing match
43
00:01:26,573 --> 00:01:29,004
- since I'm busy being principal.
- Shadowing the principal.
44
00:01:29,046 --> 00:01:30,402
He can bring your war book then.
45
00:01:30,444 --> 00:01:32,970
Great, now there's gonna be a
bunch of drawings of boobs in it.
46
00:01:33,012 --> 00:01:34,781
Let's get you back to class, kiddo.
47
00:01:36,819 --> 00:01:38,676
I take the long way with honor students
48
00:01:38,718 --> 00:01:41,746
so they don't have to walk by the
"In School Suspension" kids.
49
00:01:41,788 --> 00:01:44,081
[Groaning]
50
00:01:44,123 --> 00:01:45,317
[Shudders]
51
00:01:45,359 --> 00:01:46,651
I don't want kids like Evan
52
00:01:46,693 --> 00:01:48,920
getting bad ideas from
the "trouble bubble".
53
00:01:48,962 --> 00:01:51,323
We should just move the trouble
bubble to the long way
54
00:01:51,365 --> 00:01:53,325
so we, the smart people,
can take the short way.
55
00:01:53,367 --> 00:01:54,892
'Kay, there's no "we".
56
00:01:54,934 --> 00:01:57,995
It's called "shadowing" because
you stay silently behind me,
57
00:01:58,037 --> 00:01:59,431
not giving opinions.
58
00:01:59,473 --> 00:02:00,898
Shadows aren't sentient.
59
00:02:00,940 --> 00:02:02,434
Peter Pan's was.
60
00:02:02,476 --> 00:02:03,643
Good boy.
61
00:02:06,079 --> 00:02:07,872
I'm lending Honey all our throw pillows
62
00:02:07,914 --> 00:02:10,208
- while she goes on bed rest.
- Great idea.
63
00:02:10,250 --> 00:02:11,909
We all need to be supportive of Honey
64
00:02:11,951 --> 00:02:13,845
until the human inside
her is fully cooked.
65
00:02:13,887 --> 00:02:15,213
Bed rest is just a precaution
66
00:02:15,255 --> 00:02:18,283
because baby number two is
coming so soon after Maria.
67
00:02:18,325 --> 00:02:19,784
Doc wants me to lie low
68
00:02:19,826 --> 00:02:21,487
since my vaginal walls are
structurally compromised...
69
00:02:21,529 --> 00:02:22,379
Doctors!
70
00:02:22,421 --> 00:02:23,455
- Been there.
- Cool, bye.
71
00:02:23,497 --> 00:02:25,690
These pillows are perfect.
72
00:02:25,732 --> 00:02:28,526
I know it's bed rest, but
I'm gonna be on the couch.
73
00:02:28,568 --> 00:02:30,928
Marvin got HBO to help me pass the time.
74
00:02:30,970 --> 00:02:32,196
- [Whistles, chuckles]
- Yeah.
75
00:02:32,238 --> 00:02:34,866
Have you heard of that
new show "The Sopranos"?
76
00:02:34,908 --> 00:02:36,401
It's crazy good.
77
00:02:36,443 --> 00:02:38,270
Like, you want to punch
a wall it's so good.
78
00:02:38,312 --> 00:02:41,105
- Oh, I've heard great things...
- We're not getting HBO.
79
00:02:41,147 --> 00:02:43,040
If I want to see
Italians being ruthless,
80
00:02:43,082 --> 00:02:45,109
I'll just watch the boys
playing "Super Mario Bros."
81
00:02:45,151 --> 00:02:47,379
Well, they're always
airing "The Sopranos".
82
00:02:47,421 --> 00:02:48,753
You should come over and watch it.
83
00:02:48,795 --> 00:02:50,715
Oh, I would love to, but
I promised my mother
84
00:02:50,757 --> 00:02:52,432
I'd help catch a rat she
saw in her apartment.
85
00:02:52,474 --> 00:02:54,437
Louis! It's getting worse.
86
00:02:54,479 --> 00:02:55,836
It took the toy!
87
00:03:00,099 --> 00:03:02,627
[Laughs]
88
00:03:02,669 --> 00:03:04,061
Jessica: You are an hour late.
89
00:03:04,103 --> 00:03:05,801
We were supposed to watch "Mulan".
90
00:03:05,843 --> 00:03:07,399
Yes! It's about time
91
00:03:07,441 --> 00:03:09,233
Disney made a movie about Asian people.
92
00:03:09,275 --> 00:03:12,236
Freaking mermaids and lions got
representation before we did.
93
00:03:12,278 --> 00:03:13,471
Well, to be fair,
94
00:03:13,513 --> 00:03:15,907
mermaids and lions were
around before we were.
95
00:03:15,949 --> 00:03:17,742
Well, now the whole
schedule is thrown off.
96
00:03:17,784 --> 00:03:21,232
Evan won his fencing match, so I
took him to the arcade to celebrate.
97
00:03:21,274 --> 00:03:23,219
I got some nacho cheese on his mask,
98
00:03:23,261 --> 00:03:25,082
- but I'll get it out.
- Celebrate?
99
00:03:25,124 --> 00:03:26,651
Evan always wins his matches.
100
00:03:26,693 --> 00:03:27,752
He's undefeated.
101
00:03:27,794 --> 00:03:29,487
Winning is average for him,
102
00:03:29,529 --> 00:03:31,756
and in this family, we
don't celebrate average.
103
00:03:31,798 --> 00:03:33,491
Then why does Dad do a dance
104
00:03:33,533 --> 00:03:35,126
every time he opens a pickle jar?
105
00:03:35,168 --> 00:03:36,494
[Sighs]
106
00:03:36,536 --> 00:03:38,496
I know you wanted to come right home,
107
00:03:38,538 --> 00:03:40,197
my perfect little boy.
108
00:03:40,239 --> 00:03:42,099
Remember, you don't have to go along
109
00:03:42,141 --> 00:03:44,268
with your brother's bad ideas.
110
00:03:44,310 --> 00:03:47,887
Bad ideas? We used his épée to get
quarters out of the change machine.
111
00:03:48,682 --> 00:03:51,042
Go watch "Mulan" at your grandma's.
112
00:03:51,084 --> 00:03:53,279
And tuck your feet under you!
I don't want you coming back
113
00:03:53,321 --> 00:03:54,931
with rat bites on your toes!
114
00:03:54,973 --> 00:03:57,034
- [Sighs]
- [Door closes]
115
00:03:57,076 --> 00:03:59,116
You should know better than
keeping him out all hours.
116
00:03:59,158 --> 00:04:00,818
What's the big deal? It's the arcade.
117
00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:02,987
And it's 6:00 PM! That's how it starts!
118
00:04:03,029 --> 00:04:07,124
It goes arcade, pool hall, drug
corner, 7-to-10 in the pen.
119
00:04:07,166 --> 00:04:08,460
3-to-5 with a good attorney.
120
00:04:08,502 --> 00:04:11,829
I just don't want you
poisoning pure, sweet Evan
121
00:04:11,871 --> 00:04:13,465
with your screw-up juice.
122
00:04:13,507 --> 00:04:15,633
Whatever. I'm gonna
go sweep under my bed
123
00:04:15,675 --> 00:04:16,876
for loose CHEETOS.
124
00:04:20,046 --> 00:04:21,806
- All right, that'll work.
- Thanks for helping
125
00:04:21,848 --> 00:04:23,307
- with rat supplies, Marvin.
- Yeah.
126
00:04:23,349 --> 00:04:25,176
Last night, it perched
on top of a cabinet
127
00:04:25,218 --> 00:04:26,978
- and we got into a staring contest.
- [Laughs]
128
00:04:27,020 --> 00:04:28,210
I think it winked at me.
129
00:04:28,252 --> 00:04:30,648
Well, I had to get good at
catching rats in my Navy days.
130
00:04:30,690 --> 00:04:33,560
If Cookie got to them first,
it was vermin stew for days.
131
00:04:33,602 --> 00:04:36,521
And he'd say the tiny bones
were quail, but we all knew.
132
00:04:36,563 --> 00:04:37,822
- [Groans]
- [Laughs]
133
00:04:37,864 --> 00:04:39,757
Truth is, I'm terrified of rats.
134
00:04:39,799 --> 00:04:41,859
But I can't let my mother
see any sign of weakness.
135
00:04:41,901 --> 00:04:44,161
That woman likes to tease,
and her jibes have teeth.
136
00:04:44,203 --> 00:04:46,664
Yeah, well, some of the meals
Cookie made had teeth, too.
137
00:04:46,706 --> 00:04:48,165
[Chuckles]
138
00:04:48,207 --> 00:04:51,369
Say, why don't I help
you catch that rat?
139
00:04:51,411 --> 00:04:54,038
I'd rather do that than sit
and watch any more TV.
140
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:55,587
Marvin, are you seeing this?
141
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,842
You mean Allen wrenches
in the ratchet bin?
142
00:04:57,884 --> 00:04:59,176
This place is a damn mess.
143
00:04:59,218 --> 00:05:01,679
No, not that. This! We should switch!
144
00:05:01,721 --> 00:05:04,215
You mean I catch the rat,
you watch "The Sopranos"?
145
00:05:04,257 --> 00:05:05,216
[Laughs]
146
00:05:05,258 --> 00:05:07,018
Genius! Yes! [Laughs]
147
00:05:07,060 --> 00:05:08,586
Okay. All right.
148
00:05:08,628 --> 00:05:10,054
Wait, why are you putting
everything back?
149
00:05:10,096 --> 00:05:11,423
Well, if I'm gonna do the rat catching,
150
00:05:11,465 --> 00:05:12,624
I want it to be a fair fight.
151
00:05:12,666 --> 00:05:14,258
[Basket clatters]
152
00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:15,829
I'll bare-hand this thing.
153
00:05:16,803 --> 00:05:18,463
[School bell rings]
154
00:05:18,505 --> 00:05:20,865
The staff will invite you
to after-work drinks,
155
00:05:20,907 --> 00:05:23,535
but it's just a trap to get secrets.
156
00:05:23,577 --> 00:05:26,538
I will trick them and drink water
and get all their secrets.
157
00:05:26,580 --> 00:05:28,606
So, maybe we up your sessions.
158
00:05:28,648 --> 00:05:30,107
What's going on here?
159
00:05:30,149 --> 00:05:32,810
Evan was disrupting his classroom.
160
00:05:32,852 --> 00:05:34,746
Because the other students are jealous
161
00:05:34,788 --> 00:05:36,247
of his superior knowledge.
162
00:05:36,289 --> 00:05:39,050
The boy can't help that
fools covet his intellect.
163
00:05:39,092 --> 00:05:41,285
No, because he made repeated fart noises
164
00:05:41,327 --> 00:05:44,922
during Ms. Duggan's lecture on
"Where the Red Fern Grows".
165
00:05:44,964 --> 00:05:46,390
[Fart noise]
166
00:05:46,432 --> 00:05:48,593
[Sighs] Where did you get that?
167
00:05:48,635 --> 00:05:51,262
I won it at the arcade. Eddie
helped me pick it out.
168
00:05:51,304 --> 00:05:52,897
[Scoffs] Eddie, of course.
169
00:05:52,939 --> 00:05:54,999
Well, you leave me no
choice. Evan Huang,
170
00:05:55,041 --> 00:05:57,769
you are suspended from all
extra-curricular activities.
171
00:05:57,811 --> 00:05:59,270
But my fencing match tomorrow!
172
00:05:59,312 --> 00:06:00,572
He has a perfect record!
173
00:06:00,614 --> 00:06:02,907
I'm sorry, but this is the
hardest part of the job.
174
00:06:02,949 --> 00:06:05,610
This and breaking up pee
fights in the boys' bathroom.
175
00:06:05,652 --> 00:06:07,579
Evan, why would you do this?
176
00:06:07,621 --> 00:06:11,388
[Fart noise]
177
00:06:11,430 --> 00:06:13,540
Sorry. She's jammed.
178
00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:15,495
I'll deal with this at home.
179
00:06:16,863 --> 00:06:18,082
You're grounded!
180
00:06:18,744 --> 00:06:20,625
- What?
- Pickles, anyone?
181
00:06:20,667 --> 00:06:23,661
Because the jar...
is... open! [Chuckles]
182
00:06:23,703 --> 00:06:25,262
[Singsong voice] I opened the jar.
183
00:06:25,304 --> 00:06:26,706
The jar is open.
184
00:06:26,748 --> 00:06:29,663
I opened the jar, all by myself.
185
00:06:31,147 --> 00:06:33,233
You can't ground me! I
didn't do anything wrong!
186
00:06:33,275 --> 00:06:35,306
Oh, you didn't encourage your brother
187
00:06:35,348 --> 00:06:37,174
to buy a fart machine and
then use it in class?
188
00:06:37,216 --> 00:06:38,252
What?
189
00:06:38,294 --> 00:06:40,049
That's awesome! What a little gangster!
190
00:06:40,091 --> 00:06:42,013
This is your bad influence. Eh.
191
00:06:42,055 --> 00:06:43,380
I would've played that
baby over the P.A.,
192
00:06:43,422 --> 00:06:45,224
but, hey, you gotta start somewhere.
193
00:06:46,492 --> 00:06:47,519
For real.
194
00:06:47,561 --> 00:06:49,120
I'm sorry Evan messed up
at school, and I'm...
195
00:06:49,162 --> 00:06:51,856
I'm sure it's hard for you,
but it's not my fault.
196
00:06:51,898 --> 00:06:53,457
Disagree.
197
00:06:53,499 --> 00:06:55,660
From now on, you're not
allowed to be alone with Evan
198
00:06:55,702 --> 00:06:57,711
without adult supervision.
That means me.
199
00:06:57,753 --> 00:06:58,924
Pickle Man doesn't count.
200
00:06:58,966 --> 00:07:00,665
What?! That's complete B.S.
201
00:07:00,707 --> 00:07:01,799
So he got in trouble.
202
00:07:01,841 --> 00:07:03,501
Evan could use some trouble in his life.
203
00:07:03,543 --> 00:07:04,502
It builds character!
204
00:07:04,544 --> 00:07:06,671
Character is for cartoons,
205
00:07:06,713 --> 00:07:09,040
like that wolf who can never
catch that tall bird.
206
00:07:09,082 --> 00:07:11,208
Why do you need an anvil?
Poison his fruit.
207
00:07:11,250 --> 00:07:12,910
Just stay away from Evan.
208
00:07:12,952 --> 00:07:15,246
[Exhales sharply]
209
00:07:15,288 --> 00:07:17,348
You know, I saw a wolf
fall off a cliff once!
210
00:07:17,390 --> 00:07:18,792
It was not funny!
211
00:07:20,594 --> 00:07:24,129
Just brushing up on my New Jersey
geography for "The Sopranos".
212
00:07:24,171 --> 00:07:26,558
Don't want any turnpike
jokes going over my head.
213
00:07:27,103 --> 00:07:28,740
It must be so easy in there.
214
00:07:29,489 --> 00:07:31,596
Look, I'm worried about Evan, too,
215
00:07:31,638 --> 00:07:33,164
but it all seems pretty harmless.
216
00:07:33,206 --> 00:07:34,486
It isn't just today.
217
00:07:34,528 --> 00:07:35,874
Evan's 11.
218
00:07:35,916 --> 00:07:37,729
That's the age Eddie
was when we lost him,
219
00:07:37,771 --> 00:07:40,404
and now Evan is walking
down that same dark path.
220
00:07:40,446 --> 00:07:43,240
[Wind gusts]
221
00:07:43,282 --> 00:07:45,877
Evan, your eggs are ready!
222
00:07:45,919 --> 00:07:48,179
[Hip-hop music plays]
223
00:07:48,221 --> 00:07:50,281
Moms, check it. Fresh as hell, right?
224
00:07:50,323 --> 00:07:52,516
Mom, check it. Fresh as hell, right?
225
00:07:52,558 --> 00:07:54,251
[Music slows]
226
00:07:54,293 --> 00:07:56,220
[Dramatic music plays]
227
00:07:56,262 --> 00:08:01,593
♪♪
228
00:08:01,635 --> 00:08:03,423
I can't let that happen.
229
00:08:04,029 --> 00:08:05,930
Tomorrow, I'm gonna nip this in the bud.
230
00:08:05,972 --> 00:08:08,261
You know, I never
understood that expression.
231
00:08:08,303 --> 00:08:09,701
Buds turn into flowers.
232
00:08:09,743 --> 00:08:11,302
So why do we say it about bad things?
233
00:08:11,344 --> 00:08:12,704
Are you doing stand-up again?
234
00:08:12,746 --> 00:08:14,427
I told you, you're too old for that.
235
00:08:14,469 --> 00:08:16,802
♪
236
00:08:18,818 --> 00:08:21,278
My understanding from Dr. Cusamano,
237
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,381
your family physician,
is that you collapsed...
238
00:08:24,423 --> 00:08:26,250
I think we got the
better end of this deal.
239
00:08:26,292 --> 00:08:28,052
- [Chuckles]
- We get to watch this incredible show
240
00:08:28,094 --> 00:08:30,888
- while those two catch a rat.
- [Both laugh]
241
00:08:30,930 --> 00:08:32,624
I can't imagine what they're
even talking about.
242
00:08:32,666 --> 00:08:34,992
Well, my mom's probably
making fun of someone.
243
00:08:35,034 --> 00:08:37,729
We're still hearing about the day
Emery came home wearing a kilt.
244
00:08:37,771 --> 00:08:39,997
[Chuckles] Well, and
Marvin's probably gossiping.
245
00:08:40,039 --> 00:08:43,234
I can't hear any more about
Carol-Joan's fake front teeth.
246
00:08:43,276 --> 00:08:46,070
Some poor fool is being raked
over the coals by those two.
247
00:08:46,112 --> 00:08:47,308
[Both chuckle, door opens]
248
00:08:47,350 --> 00:08:50,241
It turns out bare-handing the
rat catching was a bad idea.
249
00:08:50,283 --> 00:08:51,970
- [Drawer opens]
- Papa needs his work gloves.
250
00:08:52,012 --> 00:08:54,578
Hey, if you run out of things
to talk about with my mom,
251
00:08:54,620 --> 00:08:56,515
get her started on how
much she hates denim.
252
00:08:56,557 --> 00:08:59,968
Oh, we won't run out of things
to talk about, Dice man.
253
00:09:00,010 --> 00:09:02,453
[Door opens, closes]
254
00:09:02,495 --> 00:09:04,656
Did he just called you "Dice man"?
255
00:09:04,698 --> 00:09:06,824
Um, no, I don't think so.
256
00:09:06,866 --> 00:09:08,428
I'm pretty sure he did.
257
00:09:08,470 --> 00:09:09,910
No, I think he was talking to you.
258
00:09:11,064 --> 00:09:13,667
Marvin will just tell you
tonight anyway, so...
259
00:09:14,373 --> 00:09:15,840
I'm Dice man.
260
00:09:15,882 --> 00:09:18,469
Back in the '80s, I
loved Andrew Dice Clay,
261
00:09:18,511 --> 00:09:20,304
and I would lip-sync along to his albums
262
00:09:20,346 --> 00:09:21,629
to whoever would watch,
263
00:09:21,671 --> 00:09:23,244
which was mostly just my mother.
264
00:09:23,286 --> 00:09:26,944
[Crowd cheers]
265
00:09:26,986 --> 00:09:28,813
Clay: Jack and Jill went up the hill,
266
00:09:28,855 --> 00:09:30,848
both with a buck and a quarter.
267
00:09:30,890 --> 00:09:33,456
Jill came down with $2.50.
268
00:09:33,498 --> 00:09:35,582
- Oh!
- [Cheers and applause]
269
00:09:35,624 --> 00:09:37,554
- [As Andrew Dice Clay] Oh!
- Mm-hmm.
270
00:09:37,596 --> 00:09:40,391
And who knows what other embarrassing
stories they're telling.
271
00:09:40,433 --> 00:09:42,493
There was the Weedwacker incident,
272
00:09:42,535 --> 00:09:43,995
the Shetland pony,
273
00:09:44,037 --> 00:09:45,496
my one-man show.
274
00:09:45,538 --> 00:09:46,530
[Sighs]
275
00:09:46,572 --> 00:09:47,850
My two-man show.
276
00:09:47,892 --> 00:09:49,300
Who was the other man?
277
00:09:49,342 --> 00:09:50,902
It was me in a mirror.
278
00:09:50,944 --> 00:09:52,970
"Two Lous". [Sighs]
279
00:09:53,012 --> 00:09:55,539
I can't believe I put my mother
and my best friend together
280
00:09:55,581 --> 00:09:57,008
with no chaperone.
281
00:09:57,050 --> 00:09:59,310
We should never have encouraged
her to learn English.
282
00:09:59,352 --> 00:10:00,812
Well, look, maybe you should just
283
00:10:00,854 --> 00:10:02,146
go over there and talk to them.
284
00:10:02,188 --> 00:10:03,380
Well, then they'll talk about how I'm
285
00:10:03,422 --> 00:10:04,983
"the guy who goes over there".
286
00:10:05,458 --> 00:10:07,426
Tony Soprano would know what to do.
287
00:10:10,169 --> 00:10:13,038
Son, I'm going to need
you to wear a wire.
288
00:10:13,867 --> 00:10:15,492
[School bell rings]
289
00:10:15,534 --> 00:10:16,994
I have to say,
290
00:10:17,036 --> 00:10:20,036
shadowing you has been very educational.
291
00:10:20,874 --> 00:10:24,335
Do all principals get laughed at
by students as much as you do?
292
00:10:24,377 --> 00:10:25,779
No, ma'am.
293
00:10:28,647 --> 00:10:29,841
You.
294
00:10:29,883 --> 00:10:31,508
You can't touch me now, old man.
295
00:10:31,550 --> 00:10:33,085
I'm out of your jurisdiction.
296
00:10:33,127 --> 00:10:35,795
I can't touch any of the
students outside of high-fives.
297
00:10:35,837 --> 00:10:37,871
And even then, I have to ask first.
298
00:10:38,391 --> 00:10:40,051
- Most kids say no.
- Hmm.
299
00:10:40,093 --> 00:10:41,441
You can high-five me.
300
00:10:42,395 --> 00:10:44,856
- Psych! [Laughs]
- Eddie, get to the point.
301
00:10:44,898 --> 00:10:46,264
[Principal Hunter and Eddie sigh]
302
00:10:46,306 --> 00:10:48,619
The fart machine incident was my fault.
303
00:10:48,661 --> 00:10:50,279
Evan is blameless.
304
00:10:50,321 --> 00:10:52,665
I put him up to it, for
I am a bad influence.
305
00:10:52,707 --> 00:10:55,967
Therefore, I should receive
the punishment, not he.
306
00:10:56,009 --> 00:10:57,701
That was better in the car.
307
00:10:57,743 --> 00:11:01,090
But you see, Principal
Hunter, Evan is innocent.
308
00:11:01,132 --> 00:11:03,074
Of course Eddie is at
the bottom of this!
309
00:11:03,116 --> 00:11:06,077
The kid who put roast beef
in all of my file folders.
310
00:11:06,119 --> 00:11:07,544
You remembered!
311
00:11:07,586 --> 00:11:09,747
So, can we clear Evan's record
312
00:11:09,789 --> 00:11:11,864
so he can participate in
the fencing match today?
313
00:11:11,906 --> 00:11:12,984
Yes.
314
00:11:13,026 --> 00:11:14,285
The last thing I want is a blemish
315
00:11:14,327 --> 00:11:16,312
on an honor student's transcripts.
316
00:11:16,354 --> 00:11:18,767
Come on, Eddie, let's go
tell Evan the good news.
317
00:11:18,809 --> 00:11:20,291
So, am I ungrounded?
318
00:11:20,333 --> 00:11:22,226
Yes, but you're on a short leash...
319
00:11:22,268 --> 00:11:23,627
One of those retractable ones
320
00:11:23,669 --> 00:11:26,305
where you think you're not on
a leash, but then you are.
321
00:11:27,606 --> 00:11:28,732
- [Tape stretching]
- [Sighs]
322
00:11:28,774 --> 00:11:30,567
Do we really need this tape recorder?
323
00:11:30,609 --> 00:11:33,170
Can't I just tell you what Grandma
and Marvin are saying about you?
324
00:11:33,212 --> 00:11:34,571
What? Son, no.
325
00:11:34,613 --> 00:11:36,808
We need hard proof. Otherwise,
they'll just deny it.
326
00:11:36,850 --> 00:11:38,242
[Exaggerated Italian accent]
The way "Christophuh"
327
00:11:38,284 --> 00:11:40,477
denied shooting the
cannoli guy's foot off.
328
00:11:40,519 --> 00:11:42,246
- Great scene.
- It's the writing.
329
00:11:42,288 --> 00:11:44,248
Fine. You're just lucky you caught me
330
00:11:44,290 --> 00:11:45,582
on my chest-shaving day!
331
00:11:45,624 --> 00:11:48,173
My front is as smooth as glass.
332
00:11:50,106 --> 00:11:51,255
Perfect.
333
00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:53,120
Come on, little buddy.
334
00:11:53,632 --> 00:11:55,035
Come to Papa.
335
00:11:55,975 --> 00:11:57,094
[Stiffly] Yo.
336
00:11:57,136 --> 00:11:59,763
How's it going in here?
337
00:11:59,805 --> 00:12:01,908
Dad sent me to help with the rat.
338
00:12:03,982 --> 00:12:07,104
So, what are you guys talking about?
339
00:12:07,146 --> 00:12:09,407
- Oh, wait.
- [Button clicks]
340
00:12:10,314 --> 00:12:12,952
So, whatcha guys talking about?
341
00:12:14,748 --> 00:12:16,981
You! They were talking about you.
342
00:12:17,023 --> 00:12:18,816
You were right. I
recorded the whole thing.
343
00:12:18,858 --> 00:12:20,051
I knew it!
344
00:12:20,093 --> 00:12:21,543
[Exhales sharply]
345
00:12:21,585 --> 00:12:24,175
Let's go shake down
those Chatty Cathies.
346
00:12:25,164 --> 00:12:26,457
[School bell rings]
347
00:12:26,499 --> 00:12:28,525
Ah, middle school.
348
00:12:28,567 --> 00:12:29,861
Right over there is where I gave Brian
349
00:12:29,903 --> 00:12:31,795
the biggest wedgie of his life.
350
00:12:31,837 --> 00:12:33,630
God, we were so young.
351
00:12:33,672 --> 00:12:35,466
Hey, Evan.
352
00:12:35,508 --> 00:12:36,700
What are you doing here?
353
00:12:36,742 --> 00:12:38,069
[Singsong voice] Good news.
354
00:12:38,111 --> 00:12:40,737
You get to play in your
fencing match this afternoon.
355
00:12:40,779 --> 00:12:43,207
- What?!
- I took the hit for you, bro.
356
00:12:43,249 --> 00:12:44,808
So next time Mom tells
me to take a shower
357
00:12:44,850 --> 00:12:47,253
and I don't feel like it,
you're hopping in there.
358
00:12:50,924 --> 00:12:52,758
I-I can't fight today.
359
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:55,853
- What are you talking about?
- Don't worry,
360
00:12:55,895 --> 00:12:57,231
I got the cheese smell
out of your helmet.
361
00:12:57,273 --> 00:12:58,853
- You're good to go.
- No!
362
00:12:59,698 --> 00:13:01,325
Look.
363
00:13:01,367 --> 00:13:04,028
I got myself suspended
from fencing on purpose
364
00:13:04,070 --> 00:13:06,040
so I wouldn't have to
fight today's match.
365
00:13:06,082 --> 00:13:09,366
I knew exactly what I was doing
with that flatulence emulator.
366
00:13:09,408 --> 00:13:11,335
What? W-W-Why would you do that?
367
00:13:11,377 --> 00:13:12,917
[Sighs]
368
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:14,211
She's why.
369
00:13:16,983 --> 00:13:18,175
You don't want to fight a girl?
370
00:13:18,217 --> 00:13:20,095
No, I don't want you to see me lose.
371
00:13:20,137 --> 00:13:21,417
I can't beat Carla.
372
00:13:21,459 --> 00:13:24,323
She'll ruin my perfect record,
and I can't not be perfect!
373
00:13:25,590 --> 00:13:27,710
Sorry, Mom... about the double negative.
374
00:13:30,509 --> 00:13:31,789
Whoa!
375
00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:34,280
I'm not the bad influence on Evan.
376
00:13:40,106 --> 00:13:41,899
Evan, you come out here right now
377
00:13:41,941 --> 00:13:43,717
- and fight this girl!
- Mom, I don't think
378
00:13:43,759 --> 00:13:45,536
this is how a principal
is supposed to behave.
379
00:13:45,578 --> 00:13:47,204
Shadow principal!
380
00:13:47,246 --> 00:13:49,764
A shadow principal who puts
too much pressure on her son
381
00:13:49,806 --> 00:13:51,275
and now he's terrified to lose.
382
00:13:51,317 --> 00:13:53,377
I only want him to be the absolute best
383
00:13:53,419 --> 00:13:55,546
at everything he does all
the time. Is that so wrong?
384
00:13:55,588 --> 00:13:56,713
Yes!
385
00:13:56,755 --> 00:13:57,949
Evan needs to learn to chill,
386
00:13:57,991 --> 00:13:59,383
or he won't be able to
roll with the punches
387
00:13:59,425 --> 00:14:01,218
when things don't go perfect for him.
388
00:14:01,260 --> 00:14:03,620
"Chilling" is just giving
yourself permission to fail.
389
00:14:03,662 --> 00:14:05,556
That might be your technique,
but it's not mine.
390
00:14:05,598 --> 00:14:08,392
Well, your method just sent Evan
running into the boys' locker room.
391
00:14:08,434 --> 00:14:09,826
He hates that place.
392
00:14:09,868 --> 00:14:12,563
- He usually changes in the car.
- I need to go talk to him.
393
00:14:12,605 --> 00:14:15,566
Well, this is the boys' locker
room, and you're not a boy.
394
00:14:15,608 --> 00:14:17,401
Or am I?
395
00:14:17,443 --> 00:14:19,303
What are you doing?
396
00:14:19,345 --> 00:14:22,974
I'm cutting off my beautiful
hair so I can pass for a boy.
397
00:14:23,016 --> 00:14:25,342
Why isn't this sword sharp?
398
00:14:25,384 --> 00:14:28,354
- Let me handle this.
- [Epée clatters]
399
00:14:29,955 --> 00:14:31,915
Chii. Chii-chii-chii-chii.
400
00:14:31,957 --> 00:14:33,817
Chii-chii.
401
00:14:33,859 --> 00:14:35,786
I'm replicating the rat's mating call.
402
00:14:35,828 --> 00:14:37,088
Chii-chii-chii-chii.
403
00:14:37,130 --> 00:14:38,522
Well, don't do it too good,
404
00:14:38,564 --> 00:14:40,357
or they'll be all over
you like bears on honey.
405
00:14:40,399 --> 00:14:41,959
[Both laugh] Aha!
406
00:14:42,001 --> 00:14:44,161
- Caught in the act!
- What are you talking about?
407
00:14:44,203 --> 00:14:46,263
You've been in here
gossiping behind my back
408
00:14:46,305 --> 00:14:48,432
like a couple of biddies
folding laundry.
409
00:14:48,474 --> 00:14:50,101
Emery recorded the whole thing.
410
00:14:50,143 --> 00:14:52,336
- Narc.
- No, don't change the subject.
411
00:14:52,378 --> 00:14:54,105
This is about you two betraying me.
412
00:14:54,147 --> 00:14:55,706
I have proof. Listen.
413
00:14:55,748 --> 00:15:00,277
[Breathing heavily]
414
00:15:00,319 --> 00:15:02,980
Emery, why are you breathing so
hard? I can't hear anything.
415
00:15:03,022 --> 00:15:04,881
It was my first time
undercover. I was nervous.
416
00:15:04,923 --> 00:15:06,984
[Laughs] I didn't know Dad did that.
417
00:15:07,026 --> 00:15:08,652
That's hilarious, Grandma.
418
00:15:08,694 --> 00:15:10,389
Emery, you too?
419
00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:11,488
It was really funny.
420
00:15:11,530 --> 00:15:13,224
Your two-man show sounded great.
421
00:15:13,266 --> 00:15:15,400
"Two Lous"? Who wouldn't
want to watch that?
422
00:15:15,442 --> 00:15:17,361
The Washington Post, for one.
423
00:15:17,403 --> 00:15:20,002
"Two Louis Huangs is two too many."
424
00:15:20,559 --> 00:15:22,294
Come on, Emery. Let's go.
425
00:15:25,778 --> 00:15:27,971
[Sighs heavily]
426
00:15:28,536 --> 00:15:30,336
You're really not gonna
fight this fight?
427
00:15:30,378 --> 00:15:32,976
No, because if I lose, which I will,
428
00:15:33,018 --> 00:15:34,411
Mom will be crushed.
429
00:15:34,453 --> 00:15:35,746
That's not gonna happen.
430
00:15:35,788 --> 00:15:36,813
Really?
431
00:15:36,855 --> 00:15:38,319
You think I have a chance to beat Carla?
432
00:15:38,361 --> 00:15:39,683
Oh, no, she'll destroy you.
433
00:15:39,725 --> 00:15:40,917
You'll probably cry.
434
00:15:40,959 --> 00:15:42,723
But Mom will be fine.
435
00:15:42,765 --> 00:15:44,321
She loves you no matter what.
436
00:15:44,363 --> 00:15:46,190
In fact, she's out there right now
437
00:15:46,232 --> 00:15:48,759
trying to saw her hair off so she
can come in and talk to you.
438
00:15:48,801 --> 00:15:49,893
Like Mulan.
439
00:15:49,935 --> 00:15:52,263
Yeah, like Mulan. Exactly.
440
00:15:52,305 --> 00:15:53,330
You love that movie, right?
441
00:15:53,372 --> 00:15:55,566
Other than the dragon being named Mushu
442
00:15:55,608 --> 00:15:57,646
and fireworks saving the day, sure.
443
00:15:57,688 --> 00:15:59,170
Yes, it's not perfect,
444
00:15:59,212 --> 00:16:02,016
but it's more about female
empowerment anyway.
445
00:16:02,058 --> 00:16:03,340
Mulan's a badass.
446
00:16:03,382 --> 00:16:05,409
She made me feel things.
447
00:16:05,451 --> 00:16:06,677
We'll get to that later.
448
00:16:06,719 --> 00:16:08,079
The point is,
449
00:16:08,121 --> 00:16:10,581
nobody wanted Mulan to go to
war because she's a girl.
450
00:16:10,623 --> 00:16:12,484
Even though she's an amazing soldier.
451
00:16:12,959 --> 00:16:14,330
If you refuse to fight Carla,
452
00:16:14,372 --> 00:16:16,353
you're robbing her of
that chance to be Mulan.
453
00:16:16,395 --> 00:16:17,478
[Gasps]
454
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,190
I never thought of it that way.
455
00:16:19,232 --> 00:16:20,992
I'm the patriarchy!
456
00:16:21,034 --> 00:16:23,360
Yeah, you're the... that.
457
00:16:23,402 --> 00:16:24,953
Thanks, Eddie.
458
00:16:24,995 --> 00:16:27,030
Now I need to go out there
and give it my best shot,
459
00:16:27,072 --> 00:16:28,946
even if I get my patootie kicked.
460
00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:31,380
Apologies for the locker-room talk.
461
00:16:31,422 --> 00:16:32,678
Boys will be boys.
462
00:16:35,581 --> 00:16:37,208
["Woke Up This Morning
(Chosen One)" plays]
463
00:16:37,250 --> 00:16:39,543
♪ Woke up this morning ♪
464
00:16:39,585 --> 00:16:41,354
♪ Got yourself a gun ♪
465
00:16:41,396 --> 00:16:42,613
I'm like Tony.
466
00:16:42,655 --> 00:16:43,980
Can't trust nobody.
467
00:16:44,022 --> 00:16:45,249
Yeah.
468
00:16:45,291 --> 00:16:46,983
I would really love to hear all about it
469
00:16:47,025 --> 00:16:48,356
when "Arli$$" comes on.
470
00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:50,721
[Door opens]
471
00:16:50,763 --> 00:16:52,250
We caught the rat!
472
00:16:52,292 --> 00:16:53,203
[Laughs]
473
00:16:53,245 --> 00:16:54,625
I count three rats.
474
00:16:54,667 --> 00:16:56,300
The one in the bag and the two of you.
475
00:16:56,342 --> 00:16:58,061
To be clear, I'm calling you rats.
476
00:16:58,103 --> 00:16:59,503
[Sighs]
477
00:16:59,545 --> 00:17:01,932
Louis, let us explain.
478
00:17:01,974 --> 00:17:03,734
We were talking about you.
479
00:17:03,776 --> 00:17:05,302
Sharing our favorite Louis stories
480
00:17:05,344 --> 00:17:07,738
because the love of you is the
only thing we have in common.
481
00:17:07,780 --> 00:17:09,864
_
482
00:17:09,906 --> 00:17:13,136
_
483
00:17:13,178 --> 00:17:15,746
Lip-syncing Dice is genius!
484
00:17:15,788 --> 00:17:17,318
I'm gonna try it with Don Rickles.
485
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:18,437
Please don't.
486
00:17:18,479 --> 00:17:21,196
_
487
00:17:21,238 --> 00:17:24,597
_
488
00:17:24,639 --> 00:17:26,857
[Chuckles] Aww, Mom.
489
00:17:26,899 --> 00:17:28,859
I guess I got a little
paranoid about family
490
00:17:28,901 --> 00:17:30,361
talking behind my back.
491
00:17:30,403 --> 00:17:32,129
Watching "The Sopranos" didn't help.
492
00:17:32,171 --> 00:17:33,764
I was only laughing at
that "Two Lous" story
493
00:17:33,806 --> 00:17:35,199
because it sounded hilarious.
494
00:17:35,241 --> 00:17:38,435
Well, it was a searing drama,
but that means a lot.
495
00:17:38,477 --> 00:17:39,936
Um,
496
00:17:39,978 --> 00:17:42,539
could you two just hug
and shut up, please?
497
00:17:42,581 --> 00:17:44,441
- [Chuckles] Yeah.
- [Chuckles]
498
00:17:44,483 --> 00:17:45,976
[Stammers] What the hell...
bring it to the front.
499
00:17:46,018 --> 00:17:47,490
All right. [Both laugh]
500
00:17:48,153 --> 00:17:49,713
I let the rat out.
501
00:17:49,755 --> 00:17:51,114
W-Why?
502
00:17:51,156 --> 00:17:53,590
Because I wanted to look at him.
503
00:17:56,161 --> 00:17:57,230
[Shudders]
504
00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:03,569
I'm ready to fight the match.
505
00:18:03,611 --> 00:18:06,197
Oh. Maybe you can be a good influence.
506
00:18:06,239 --> 00:18:08,152
I have my moments. Don't count on me!
507
00:18:08,194 --> 00:18:10,801
I'm sorry I used a fart machine
to get out of fencing.
508
00:18:10,843 --> 00:18:11,900
It's okay.
509
00:18:11,942 --> 00:18:14,171
I'm proud of you for going
through with the match.
510
00:18:14,213 --> 00:18:15,681
Even if I lose?
511
00:18:17,850 --> 00:18:19,352
Even if you lose.
512
00:18:21,354 --> 00:18:22,979
[Fart noise]
513
00:18:23,021 --> 00:18:24,515
Still works!
514
00:18:24,557 --> 00:18:26,317
Come on, Evan! Stab her!
515
00:18:26,359 --> 00:18:27,726
Stab her in the heart!
516
00:18:28,912 --> 00:18:29,985
Popcorn?
517
00:18:30,027 --> 00:18:31,382
Why are you being nice to me?
518
00:18:32,651 --> 00:18:34,645
After spending the
week with your mother,
519
00:18:35,067 --> 00:18:36,333
I get it.
520
00:18:36,375 --> 00:18:39,596
Yesterday, when I got home, I
said awful things to my cat.
521
00:18:39,638 --> 00:18:41,031
Unforgivable.
522
00:18:42,068 --> 00:18:43,259
You get used to her.
523
00:18:43,301 --> 00:18:46,559
[Sighs] ♪ Let's get down to business ♪
524
00:18:46,601 --> 00:18:48,505
- ♪ To defeat ♪
- Referee: Salute.
525
00:18:48,547 --> 00:18:50,716
♪ The Huns ♪
526
00:18:51,519 --> 00:18:55,011
♪ Did they send me daughters ♪
527
00:18:55,053 --> 00:18:57,797
♪ When I asked for sons? ♪
528
00:18:57,839 --> 00:18:59,850
- Fence.
- ♪ Be a man ♪
529
00:18:59,892 --> 00:19:02,753
♪ We must be swift as a coursing river ♪
530
00:19:02,795 --> 00:19:04,255
- ♪ Be a man ♪
- [Device beeps]
531
00:19:04,297 --> 00:19:05,320
♪ With all the force ♪
532
00:19:05,362 --> 00:19:06,857
- ♪ Of a great typhoon ♪
- [Beeping]
533
00:19:06,899 --> 00:19:08,259
- ♪ Be a man ♪
- [Beeping continues]
534
00:19:08,301 --> 00:19:09,693
Match.
535
00:19:09,735 --> 00:19:12,405
[Murmuring]
536
00:19:15,974 --> 00:19:17,534
- Good match.
- Good match.
537
00:19:17,576 --> 00:19:18,702
Wonderful use of parry.
538
00:19:18,744 --> 00:19:19,870
You'll get me next time.
539
00:19:19,912 --> 00:19:21,372
- I don't know...
- You won't.
540
00:19:21,414 --> 00:19:22,915
I was just being nice.
541
00:19:24,783 --> 00:19:26,084
[Sighs]
542
00:19:29,021 --> 00:19:31,106
Gotta hand it to you,
Evan... you didn't cry.
543
00:19:31,148 --> 00:19:32,716
That's what the mask is for.
544
00:19:33,442 --> 00:19:35,118
What are you two waiting for?
545
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:37,257
The arcade's only open for another hour.
546
00:19:37,717 --> 00:19:38,889
Go celebrate.
547
00:19:38,931 --> 00:19:40,704
Really? But I lost.
548
00:19:40,746 --> 00:19:43,477
Yes, but you lost perfectly.
549
00:19:44,303 --> 00:19:46,409
Come on, Bro. I'll show you
where Principal Hunter
550
00:19:46,451 --> 00:19:48,899
keeps his keys to his filing
cabinet on the way out.
551
00:19:48,941 --> 00:19:51,882
So I can keep track of the
Yale application myself.
552
00:19:52,834 --> 00:19:54,120
I try.
553
00:19:58,216 --> 00:20:00,755
Marvin, Ma, I'm sorry I doubted you.
554
00:20:00,797 --> 00:20:03,914
Emery, sorry I taped a recording
device to your chest.
555
00:20:03,956 --> 00:20:05,971
- It left a mark.
- Honey's here, too.
556
00:20:06,013 --> 00:20:07,972
Sorry I talked over "The Sopranos".
557
00:20:08,816 --> 00:20:10,153
To make it up to all of you,
558
00:20:10,195 --> 00:20:12,488
I wanted to present my two-man show.
559
00:20:12,530 --> 00:20:14,257
Since you love sharing Lou stories,
560
00:20:14,299 --> 00:20:16,032
this will give you a lot to chew on.
561
00:20:18,069 --> 00:20:20,905
"Two Lous" by Louis Huang.
562
00:20:22,519 --> 00:20:25,769
Growing up in Taiwan,
nothing comes easy.
563
00:20:25,811 --> 00:20:27,304
[Gruffly] Shut up, you baby!
564
00:20:27,346 --> 00:20:28,805
[Normal voice] Who said that?
565
00:20:28,847 --> 00:20:30,941
[Gruffly] You said that!
566
00:20:30,983 --> 00:20:32,344
[Exhales shakily]
567
00:20:32,386 --> 00:20:35,779
Okay, I don't know what to do.
568
00:20:35,821 --> 00:20:37,903
Just kiss her, you fool.
569
00:20:41,594 --> 00:20:43,053
[Whispering] You said this was good.
570
00:20:43,095 --> 00:20:44,621
[Whispering] I remembered wrong.
571
00:20:44,663 --> 00:20:47,496
I can't believe I'm alone on Christmas.
572
00:20:49,001 --> 00:20:50,836
You're never alone...
573
00:20:55,073 --> 00:20:57,668
[Southern accent] Let me live, Mama!
574
00:20:57,710 --> 00:21:01,192
[Femininely] Maybe if you acted
like a man for once in your life.
575
00:21:01,234 --> 00:21:02,473
[Breathing heavily]
576
00:21:02,515 --> 00:21:04,742
[Slurring] You're drunk
again, aren't you?
577
00:21:04,784 --> 00:21:07,310
[Laughs] I'm not drunk!
578
00:21:07,352 --> 00:21:08,854
You're drunk!
579
00:21:11,424 --> 00:21:13,183
We're drunk!
580
00:21:13,225 --> 00:21:14,651
I wish I was drunk.
581
00:21:14,693 --> 00:21:16,764
Yeah, this is the only way I
can get through this. Here.
582
00:21:18,096 --> 00:21:19,556
We love ya, Lou!
583
00:21:20,264 --> 00:21:23,394
Both of you! Bravo! Bravo! [Applause]
584
00:21:23,436 --> 00:21:24,820
All right, thank you very much.
585
00:21:24,862 --> 00:21:26,413
Now it's time for act two.
586
00:21:26,455 --> 00:21:29,479
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
42589
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