Original subtitles

(Gay Pirates by Cosmo Jarvis playing) 'morning baby.

Ugh! (puking) Steve?

I think I may have... overextended myself l-last night.

Yeah... yeah... no shit!

Get me a towel could ya?

Ah, f*ck, uh.

Did you..

jack off next to me last night?

I'm flattered but, ugh!

Yuuuck!

F*ck!

(Gay Pirates by Cosmo Jarvis resumes)

(swallows)

Dude, what the f*ck happened here last night?

(party music)

(background chatter)

Look at these two; you guys are disgusting, get a room.

What?

What are you talking about?

Have you seen you two?

Are you serious?

You're talking like uh-honeysuckle oh my god.

You're so jealous.

Alright, alright.

Tommy.

F*ck, marry, kill.

Me, Steve, Ava?

Well, I think I'd have to marry you, hmm?

Aww.

F*ck Steve and--

Kill my girlfriend?

Well, would you rather I f--?

Ava would never cheat mate.

Our love, is like a honeysuckle--blossoming with trust!

Right babe!?

That's right.

(Tommy coughs in feigned disgust)

Steve, truth or dare?

Truth.

Have you ever... fantasized about a guy before?

No.

Dude, why'd you hesitate?

I didn't hesitate.

Yeah you did.

I didn't frickin' hesitate!

Maybe, I hesitated.

Wait, wait! You don't think that we...?

What?

Aw, noo!

Yeah I f*cking hope not.

Not f*cking here.

(groans)

But I mean, I don't know man.

I-- I had like a, like a really f*cking weird dream last night.

Like, you know?

Yeah?

What about?

I mean well, I won't say.

Ya'know it's just a bit, it's a little bit... it's a bit gay.

Mate, take a seat.

Here.

You can tell me anything; I'm your best mate.

Alright well, okay so, me and you right.

Mhm.

In my dream.

Mhm.

This bed.

Mhm.

We had gay sex.

Uhh, why would you tell me that?

You literally just said it was totally fine.

I don't your dirty f*ckin' fantasies corrupting my mind man.

Your lips are red.

Wait, check your...

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Well?

(sighs) Yep, that's lipstick down there alright!

Maybe it's blue?

It's red Steve!

Unmistakeably, Revlon, Cherry Red!

So?!

We got f*cking blind drunk last night, we-- we covered ourselves in lipstick.

What's the big deal?

The condom bro!

So?

Now the lipstick!

And?

We wake up in bed together after a night we don't remember, an--

What?

Oh no...

No no no no no no no no no...

We watched Love Simon?!

Aw f*ck we definitely f*cking slept together.

Ahh! (two knocks on door)

Shh.

Get you're f*cking pants on.

Ava-- Ava can't find out about this.

Yeah you really think I want my fiancee to know about this?

No I'm guessing not.

Yeah well, how do we f*cking convince them that-- that nothing happened?

Easy.

We flaunt our heterosexuality alright mate?

Yeah yeah true.

Can you help me with my belt bro?

Yeah yeah sure.

Get through that loop...

Yeah mate.

One, two, there you go--

Ugh, yuck, open the f*cking d--

Open the door!

Are you two alive in there?

Ah, coming!

Coming!? Really!?

What would you have f*cking said?

That's the best you-- just get your sh*t.

So much for your f*cking honeysuckle of trust!

Aw don't say anything with f*cking suck in it dude.

G-g'day uh, good morning Ava.

Ayy, nice rack baby.

I'm just gonna crack open a few cold ones and watchg some sports.

Right on.

(claps fist)

F*ck!

Morning stud.

Morning.

(giggles)

Come sit next to me my love.

Whaaat?

You want me to sit like-- like right there?

You know?

Yeah I do.

She does Tommy, do you have a problem with that?

Nah, what...

(Steve coughs) I'm just like, just a little tight you know.

So, fun night last night huh?

I'm surprised you remember it.

Remember what?

The night.

Aw yeah-eh, ri-right.

Yeaahh.

I love cars.

Vrrmm.

Vrrrrrmmmm.

And tits.

Obviously.

How 'bout you honeybuns, how did you sleep?

Yeah, like a baby.

Just me 'nd the old pillow you know?

Aw, and Tommy, of course.

Mhm?

(aggressive whispering)

Okay, I've got something to confess.

No you don't.

I think we bummed each other hardcore last night.

Shut the f*ck up.

You what, Tommy!?

No I-- I may've, just thought it was like... a bad dream.

But it turns out it was real.

(laughter)

Should we tell them?

I think we should tell them.

What?

Babe, remember when we moved in?

Yeah.

We noticed that your bromance threatened our relationships.

Vrrr--vrmmm.

Ah come up here boy!

Yeah uh!

Eh uh ah!

Woohoo!

This place is gonna be f*cking sick!

What am I gonna do about it?

Let's go, let's go!

Where we goin' boy?

Where we goin' boy?

Where we goin'?

Something had to be done...

We waited months for you to drink yourselves into a blackout.

I planted the condom.

I sacrificed my lipstick.

Wait!

You did my lips before his balls right?

Good point.

Yeah that's true.

Mm, yeah yeah of course.

So you're saying that, you two, tricked me and Steve into thinking that we--slept together--because

you were jealous of out bromance?!

Ah, yes Tommy.

That's exactly what we're saying.

That doesn't explain my dream then, my gay dream.

Oh yeah no, you still had your homo dream.

F*ck.

Ha!

Gaaay!

Really?

(Bromance by NigaHiga starts playing)