Original subtitles

( Theme music playing )

♪ All the shadows in the city ♪

♪ Used to love you, what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions you used to ask me ♪

♪ Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely ♪

♪ Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely... ♪

- (coughs) - ♪ Bored to death ♪

♪ Cut, mad and lonely. ♪

( whistle blows )

( rings doorbell )

Jonathan: Hi. How are you?

Thanks.

Sorry I'm late.

Ray's friends are here.

He didn't tell me they were coming over.

Michelle, Lisa, this is Jonathan.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hello. - Hi.

Where's Ray?

He's in the bathroom masturbating.

What?

Ray: I'm almost done. Just three more times.

Oh, God.

Why is he doing that?

Well, Ray and Leah are being really generous with us

and Ray is giving us his sperm so that we can have a baby.

Tonight's our first exchange.

But I'm not the one being generous.

I think you are.

Sharing your lover's sperm with us is very kind of you.

Yeah, and we really need the stuff.

There's no getting around it.

And what my Michelle wants, she gets.

Oh, yeah, Ray told me about this.

Well, congratulations.

As long as a kid isn't born with a beard we'll be happy.

Stop. No, actually we just really love Ray's comics

and we're hoping that the baby will become an artist.

And what do you do, in case we want a different kind of baby?

Ray: I heard that.

Really, what do you do?

- Yes. - Maybe you could help a friend of mine.

Her son's skateboard was stolen.

I could definitely look into that.

So far I've solved all my cases.

I mean, there've only been two,

but still, that's a perfect record.

Okay, well, her name's Allison. She's a radical vegan.

I know a lot of radical vegans. She must be an unhappy person.

( Door slides open )

( Snapping fingers )

All that jizz.

Yay Ray! But can you put that in the fridge?

'Cause we need to keep it chilled.

No, I don't want it in the fridge.

The girls' lunches are in there.

Leah, please.

All right.

I'll put it in the sink with some ice.

Just give it to me, Leah. We'll put it in our cooler.

- Women: Oh my God. - I'll get it. I'll get it.

Here it is. Here it is. Here it is. Here it is.

Okay, good. No spillage.

We should go.

For the record, I'm against this.

Leah, I'm sorry to bring this up,

but could I have your friend's number... the radical vegan?

I really want that case.

Leah.

Ray, the sperm.

More? Oh, this.

( Sighs ) Goodbye, Picasso.

( Kisses )

(whirring )

I never skateboarded myself.

My parents wouldn't let me.

They were kind of overprotective and smothering.

I'm a very permissive parent.

I think it's really important

that David have a sense of agency.

Like every night for dinner he decides what he wants to eat.

He must eat a lot of pizza then.

Oh, no no.

We don't eat dairy or wheat.

David has a lot of food allergies.

Oh.

I don't know if Leah told you, but I advocate at the public schools

for slow food and raw food and live food.

In my heart I'm a vegan,

but in my mouth I lack discipline.

It sounds like your heart's in the right place.

You just have to work on your mouth.

So what exactly happened with David's skatebo...?

It's gonna stain.

So what exactly happened with David's skateboard?

Well, this older boy, this alpha-male bully took it.

I offered to buy David a new one, but he wouldn't hear of it.

He's very attached to this one.

- How old is David? - He's nine.

And the boy who took his skateboard?

I don't know. He's, like, 16 or 17.

His name is Francisco.

I can't get it back. It would humiliate David.

That's really very smart of you.

When I was a kid I had back spasms

and I went to this crazy orthopedist

who prescribed a corset. For months...

Do you still have back problems?

Sometimes. it's...

I can fix that.

Lie on your belly.

(grunting )

Oh. Oh.

A corset? I think that's odd.

I don't know if I'd let a doctor do that to David.

( Straining ) Yeah, it was a very Victorian cure,

especially for New Jersey.

But the point of my story was

that my mother never let anyone know.

She protected me.

I only wore sweatshirts.

I'm glad to hear that part. Roll over.

Okay.

Oh.

( Grunts ) How's that?

Oh, wonderful.

Okay, just copy me...

Okay.

Lift your leg up.

Do you really think you can get David's skateboard back?

Yes, I'll get it back

and I'll find this Francisco.

The other leg.

I'd be really grateful.

Ever since David's father and I broke up...

( sighs ) I've been without a man around the house.

You've got a man in the house now.

♪ I'll see you in my dreams... ♪

( exclaims )

I'm looking for a kid named Francisco. Do you know him?

He rides around on the board that looks like this.

Do you... do you know... do you know Fran...

do you know Francisco?

Excuse me.

Yeah?

Do you know someone named Francisco?

Ever skateboarded with him

on the streets?

Yeah, I know him.

Do you know where he likes to skateboard?

Don't remember.

Would $5 help your memory?

No, but $10 would.

All right, tough guy...

( phone rings )

Excuse me one second... business.

- Caroline. - Jonathan, there you are.

How's it coming with the new Kama Sutra novel?

What position are you on?

I'm on chapter 11... chapter 12... position 12.

That's 52 positions to go.

Listen, you keep working hard, all right?

And, you know, send me a chapter now if you like.

I'll send you something soon, okay?

But I am with a friend right now,

so I'll call you back. Is that okay?

All right, sweetheart. Don't be a stranger.

You know that all of my writers are like my husbands.

Right, I know. Okay.

- Bye, Caroline. - Ciao, sweetie.

I think that you're not working on the book

because you're depressed over losing the girl.

I'm doing a little better. I met someone today.

Well, that's perfect. Hemingway, you know, said

the best way to get over a woman was to get another one.

Of course then to get over that woman you need another woman.

So basically one failed relationship leads to the next?

Yes.

Anyway, how's the new girl?

Good-looking?

Yeah, pretty sexy. I really like her.

Nice arms?

I guess so, yeah. Why?

I don't know. Just lately

I've been going nuts over women's arms...

actually the armpit.

I just love it.

It's this other secret place to burrow into.

But you don't have to slide as far down the bed to get to it.

Maybe it's laziness. I don't know.

There's also a childhood connection.

Something happened with you and an armpit in childhood?

Yes yes. I was on the school bus.

I'm 11 years old.

And this girl... Diane Trudy was her name...

I remember she was wearing a yellow dress.

And when she stood up

to reach for the pole

the sunlight came through the windshield

and I could see her armpit.

There were these beautiful,

very slight

blonde yellow hairs

just sort of undulating.

I fell in love.

Why do you think the hairs made you fall in love?

Because I knew it meant that she was becoming a woman.

I like that story.

And, God help me,

it's happening again.

Wait, what?

I met this young publicist the other day

and for some reason she lifted her arm

and I could see these light blonde hairs

and it was like a moment out of Proust...

I was back on the school bus.

That's incredible. So twice in one life.

I know. Her name's Emily.

She's the flack for this

new hip restaurant that's opening tomorrow

out in Greenpoint, near you.

It's close by.

You know what?

They're having this tasting. It starts around 5:00.

It's all organic game...

rabbits that have been shot naturally

in the woods, that sort of thing.

Why don't you come with me? It'd be perfect.

It's a very young crowd. You could help me fit in.

Hi, guys. Hi.

I really like your board. I'm something of a collector.

Is there any chance you might want to sell it?

Are you that dude that's been asking about me?

You from the school or something?

No, I don't go to any school.

I haven't been asking about you, no.

You sure? 'Cause some kids told me

that a dude with a big nose wanted to know where I hang out.

But that's not you, right?

A dude with a big nose is not me, my friend.

No, it must be somebody else.

I'm just interested in your board.

Would you sell it for 20 bucks?

Get out of here, man. I don't know you.

I don't want to know you, all right?

50 bucks? How much?

How about my fist in your face, man? How about that?

You know, I don't think I can afford that right now.

So thank you very much and keep on skatin'.

All right.

( Kids laughing )

Ray, can you get Leah's car and meet me?

It's fun sitting here. I still think

it's weird to pretend that you're a private detective.

It's not pretending. Come on, you're always drawing superheroes.

This is your chance to be one.

All right, what is she paying us?

Sorry, there's no money. I'm doing this one pro bono.

I made out with her.

What? Are you crazy? That girl's half nuts.

I can't charge her now. I'm taking her out for a drink tonight.

Did you at least take her shirt off?

No, we just made out, but it was pretty amazing.

We have chemistry or something, I don't know.

Maybe she could be my new Suzanne.

It is a little scary that she has a kid,

but Leah has kids and you guys have been together for a while.

Yeah, but that is terrible. Those kids pay me no respect.

They call me fat and hairy.

You know, they could lose a few pounds themselves.

( Sighs ) Kids.

I'm not cut out to be a surrogate dad.

But you're giving your sperm to Lisa and Michelle.

Because I don't have to do anything.

I just signed a paper. I have no rights as a father.

- Why are you doing it then? - I don't know, man.

I guess I was flattered that they wanted my child.

But they are draining the hell out of me.

They wanted four doses in the last two days.

Oh, shit. Did you see that?

Now he's gonna try that again and he keeps screwing up.

So this time I'm gonna run out

and grab that skateboard. While I'm doing that

I want you to take the car around to the corner

and pick me up. We'll make our getaway, okay?

Look, I don't think you should do this.

Kids like that used to beat you up and I bet you they still can.

There he goes. There he goes. Meet me on the corner.

Fuck.

Hey, dude!

Yo, hey!

Hey!

Open up. Open the door. Push the button.

I'm opening it. I'm opening it. I'm hitting the button.

Push the button, Ray. Push the button.

Go go.

Open the door. Open the door.

Fuck. Fuck.

Oh, God.

( Honks horn )

Get back here!

( Tires screech )

Come on, get in, get in.

Go go go go go. Just go.

( Horn honks )

I was getting worried you wouldn't show.

I'm sorry.

Get in, get in, get in.

Now what's with the skateboard?

I don't want you looking that young.

I had to pick this up for that woman that I met.

I was... it's a long story.

So what do you think? Ls the outfit youthful?

Well, a little... the beret.

Yeah, you're right. You're right. You're right.

I have never seen you so nervous about a woman before.

I know. It's the first unabashed crush I've had in years...

She's bright; She's beautiful;

The whole armpit madness.

Do you have any dope?

Yeah.

Steven, we're gonna smoke pot back here.

Is that all right with you?

That's fine, Mr. Christopher.

I'm very excited to see her.

Do I smell like dope?

I can't tell. I was in the car with you.

My nose is full of pot smell.

Are we too stoned?

My feet feel really interesting in my shoes.

We might be,

but we'll get you a drink and stabilize.

- Okay okay. - Yeah, okay.

George Christopher.

( Dance music playing )

God, these people are young.

But this is exciting, right?

Brooklyn's exciting. It's the new Manhattan.

I may have to move to Brooklyn.

If Brooklyn is the new Manhattan,

what's Manhattan?

Manhattan's the new Queens.

And Queens is the new Brooklyn.

And Brooklyn is... oh, here she comes.

Mr. Christopher, what are you doing here?

Truth is, I saw a listing of your opening

in the food section of my own magazine

and I thought I'd just pop in.

Well, that's so nice of you. Ls your food writer here?

Yes, Jonathan here is one of our best writers

and he's going to cover the opening

and give it a big spread.

- ( laughs ) - Whoa. Gee.

Thank you.

Sorry, I'm a big hugger, Mr. Christopher.

I do it when I get nervous.

Hugs are good. No, hugs are good.

I'd better go see how the chef's doing.

She's prepared an incredible

slow-roasted Polder Side Farms organic pig

that will be served in a gribiche sauce

and garnished with wild pheasant egg yolk and Seckel pears.

God, that sounds amazing.

I have a really profound hunger.

Okay, Mr. Christopher.

Well, I think that went well enough.

I don't think she could tell we were stoned.

Calling me "Mr. Christopher" is not that promising,

but the hug... the hug was a good sign, right?

I mean, women don't touch you if they don't like you.

No no, she seemed great.

Maybe Emily would show us the kitchen.

It wouldn't be a bad idea for us to know

where the fire exits are, right?

- ( Applause ) - Oh, here comes the pig.

( Cheering )

Uh, when I was 13 years old

I first had foie gras

and it absolutely transported me to another dimension.

( Clamoring )

Shh.

( Chef chuckles )

And since then it has been my dream

to make food that would change your lives.

So...

( crowd exclaims )

That's 'cause of you, big nose.

( Sobbing )

To the chef.

( Sighs )

George, George, George.

George, I'm so sorry. I'm really so sorry.

What exactly happened back there?

I mean, who were those kids?

Well, they're just some kids from my neighborhood.

And it's kind of a long story,

but in a nutshell, they don't like me and they pick on me.

You're 30 years old, Jonathan.

I know, I know. Is there anything I can do to make this up to you?

I'm so sorry that Emily is upset.

I'm dropping the whole Emily thing.

I can't date a woman 30 years younger than myself.

What the hell was I thinking?

20 years is a good cutoff.

- I think that's more reasonable. - Very reasonable.

- Or 25. That's not bad either. - 25 also good, George.

- Get in. - Okay.

Steven, could you drop me off somewhere?

( Doorbell buzzes )

- Jonathan. - I got David's skateboard back.

And we're going for a drink, right?

No no, I can't. I'm sorry.

David is having terrible allergies.

He ate some gluten in school today

and his wrists are definitely a little bit swollen.

And I think I should tell you

that David is not comfortable with me dating anyone just yet.

And we're a team. We're a beautiful unit.

I don't want to upset him.

But thank you for this.

I hope it wasn't too hard. David will be thrilled.

You're welcome.

I really have to put some ice on his wrists.

Maybe in a few weeks...

I'll call you.

( Skateboards approaching )

Francisco: Hey! Hey, big nose!

( Theme music playing )

♪ All the shadows in the city ♪

♪ Used to love you, what a pity ♪

♪ I miss the questions you used to ask me ♪

♪ All the shadows in the city ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ Bored to death, plus expenses ♪

♪ The only trouble is my sentence ♪

♪ You said you'd never love another ♪

♪ A Russian doll, one inside the other. ♪