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In the Kalahari Desert, the unsuspecting meerkat clan is unaware

they are prey to the desert's most savage predators.

- Oh. - Meerkats are social by nature...

burrowing deep into large underground networks,

where they create colonies with up to 30 meerkats in a colony.

Jesus Christ.

Where's the remote?

Could somebody shut off those rats?

Oh, no, no, they're not rats. They're meerkats and they are so cute!

Look at them, standing up like little people.

Oh, I found the remote! Remote found.

Thank you. God...

- What time is it? - Uh... it is 6:47.

Jesus. And isn't the whole point of a riot that you get to hit snooze on prison?

Oh, my God. You guys, look at this.

Scattered reports this morning

that Judy King has been taken hostage at Litchfield Penitentiary

in what appears to be a possible terror situation.

- Holy shit! - No word yet on her condition...

You tellin' me that we could have gotten up to that roof?

Why aren't we hanging out up there? You know, I love a view.

Fucking morons. Jesus. Uh, who... who is that?

Is that Yoga?

Change it to Fox. Me and Vinnie, we watch Fox.

Absolutely not.

Live at the scene here at Litchfield Prison,

as details continue to trickle in

about the late-night terrorist attack on Judy King and her Christian faith.

Some reports indicate that there is a political and violent uprising

taking place within the prison.

But News 4 has found exclusive online footage

that tells quite a different story.

That's where the chicken à la king went.

Mr. Pearson, the governor's on line one.

Hutch! How's it going, buddy? I haven't seen you since Tommy...

Why are al-Qaeda terrorists torturing the red states' favorite chef

on the roof of your prison?

Uh, look, I know it doesn't look good, but, uh...

It looks like a fucking PR nightmare during my election year.

- Are you storming? - Uh, no. They... they have hostages.

MCC can't have hostage bloodshed. We're... we're standing down.

Is that what CERT advised?

- CERT? - Correctional Emergency Response Team.

Do you not have a CERT team on the scene?

We're sort of between CERT teams right now.

For fuck's sake! I'm sending a team over and I'm billing MCC up the ass.

You listen to their assessment of casualty risk

and you let them de-escalate this mess.

I consider you a friend, Jack...

but I can't believe how badly you shit the bed on this.

Worse than when my beagle had butt cancer.

I'm so sorry to hear about Blanche.

- Is she okay? - The dog's fine.

Get your inmates off my TV.

You steppin' ass first?

If you wanna score the Latin and African American markets,

- it's all about that bass. - Oh.

White, I just turn to the side, tits, ass.

And the schoolgirl outfits hits Asians.

- Shit. You really know your demos. - Yeah.

Oh, my God, here they come!

Are you ready?

We're gonna be super famous!

Don't forget to smize.

Nuh-uh. You smize. I'm squinching and teeging.

- Over here! - Yo, let me get in there.

- Wow! - Wow! Look at you and those lips.

Pidge said I needed some drama on my face.

It was this or mascara, and I don't like shit around my eyes 'cause I got allergies

and I rub and then I look like one of them girls who cry.

- Oh, it's good. Yeah, cute. - Yeah, mmm-hmm.

Uh, I'm totally liking it.

You should try doing the prune lips like an Olsen twin, like this.

Mmm.

All right, can we just get the two on the right?

- Other one looks like a boy. Get him out! - Get out of the way! Yeah, you!

What? My drama face ain't good enough for your little pictures?

Well, if you don't like my face, maybe you'll like this!

Oh, my God! Shit.

Never work with animals, children or naked buttholes.

Why are you walking like you're 90?

Because we slept in a digger bucket, and I can't feel my neck.

I once dated a girl named Digger. Her parents ran a cemetery.

She stole me a ring off a corpse.

How romantic. Illegal and creepy, but very romantic.

She left me for a professional water-skier.

She said she was the only woman who ever looked hot in a life vest.

How do you fight that?

I think we need more padding. Like a base layer.

You know, like a... like a tarp or something.

Whoa. I didn't even ask you to move in, Pipes.

That's, uh... that's pretty presumptuous.

Alex Vause, may I put my prison-issue mattress

next to your bulldozer scoopie thingy, and ride out a nightmare with you?

You may.

Will I not like you when you get very angry?

I'm repurposing.

Huh.

Do you want me to help you rip off the other one?

Is it driving you crazy?

No.

Yes. You know that I need symmetry!

- It's hard to look at, huh? - Now you're just being a bully.

Okay, fine. This is a gift for you.

It's no corpse ring, but it'll have to do.

Daya! Hey, I've been looking for you.

You found something to eat okay?

Why, you wanna jack me for my Pop-Tart?

Hey. I know you don't understand what I did or why I did it, but...

You're right. I don't understand.

This whole fucking time you didn't say nothing.

And you fucking hit me in my head. I could have a football injury.

- I got a wicked headache. - You shot a guard.

You weren't acting like a responsible gun owner.

I don't care.

- I don't care if he dies. - And I do?

We all think about taking down these cabrones,

but we don't act on it 'cause we got things to live for.

You gotta get outta here and see your girl.

Look at me. Hey.

You need to take a timeout, okay?

Why don't you help me clean up? We could do it together.

Busy hands could help clear your head, huh?

My head hurts, all right?

I want nothing to do with you.

Maybe your shadow can help you play cleanup.

- My what? - Good morning.

What's for breakfast?

You're looking at it.

Um, no. I'm not.

Breakfast is supposed to be served between 4:30 and 7:00.

Today's offerings should include a hot grits,

a whole wheat bread or coffee cake, a margarine pat and skim milk.

- Sometimes there's a surprise, like... - Okay, yeah. Breakfast is canceled.

Breakfast is canceled...

Fine.

Breakfast, okay?

Oh! Thank you!

This is the surprise, for sure.

Um, by any chance, will there be a spoon made available?

Yeah, I'll get one. Sit down.

Oh, what the hell.

Okay. Pick a color. You want gel?

Uh, no. Um...

- I want to apply for a job here. - Hmm?

- You got a sign outside... - It's meter parking, yeah.

No.

I want to work here. Do nails.

I do manicures. I did these.

Oh.

Exactly. I'm a fuckin' artist with this shit.

I did my toes, too. See that?

Cheetah. You know...

Yes. Good.

- Great. So how much you paying me? - Twenty dollars a day.

What? Uh-uh.

- That's way too low. - No, no, no.

You pay me to train.

- To train? - Mmm-hmm.

In what?

I'd buff circles around these sashimi bitches.

Two weeks train, or you go now.

You know what, you can shit up a rope with your $20 a day.

And it's your loss.

I would have had this place packed, with lines out the door.

Charging people to work?

This is America, lady. Slavery ain't legal here!

Mei... are you in here against your will?

Come on, slave! We're hangry!

How long does it take to fry, poach and scramble some damn eggs?

Ladies, I am moving as fast as I can. You know, all I have is powdered eggs.

Did we say you could talk?

Yeah, just make it rain, King.

What the fuck did y'all do?

Did y'all see the news? They think y'all terrorists!

We know. We saw.

And they had no right to call us bin Ladens

without checking who we were under those Ewok hats.

- The whole thing's totally offensive. - Fuckin' media.

What's offensive is that a photograph of two idiots wearing hijabs

automatically gets labelled as terrorism.

Hey, do I smell eggs?

Ooh! Let me get one of them over easy, JK!

No way, she's our slave.

And over easy's nasty. All that egg slime.

Bitch, egg snot the best part.

- Splooge-y. - Y'all crazy.

Over easy's the only way to cook an egg.

Ain't that right, Jude?

Over medium is considered the gold standard.

In your face!

Shocking. The white lady backs up the other whites about egg whites.

Look, we need to borrow D-list Martha Stewart for a while.

We need to show the media that she ain't locked up in a closet

with a bag over her head and jumper cables on her nips.

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! - What the fuck?

She's our property and we're not in the lending business.

That's Jews.

Yeah, maybe you didn't hear her. We taking the bitch, so excuse us.

Oh, so this is communism now? We give you whatever for free?

Nah, our whole lives is you people taking from us for free.

If you want her, you gotta buy her, like an American.

That's the deal.

What do you want for her?

What you got?

Aw, shit! You seeing this?

Yes. And I disagree.

I think Boo's giving tree actually does more takin' away than giving.

- How so? - The tree's a sign of goodness.

But when it gets filled with cement,

the tree symbolizes what's been taken from Scout, her innocence.

Plus, she's got that dumb name.

Okay, permission slips, people!

I need them before we get on the bus tomorrow.

Uh, Janae, I'd like to speak with you.

Ooh. Watson getting called out.

Yeah, right. For what?

- Here, I got my permission slip. - Ah, excellent.

I want to make sure you're coming tomorrow. You excited?

- Yeah. I guess. - I'm excited for you.

Doors are gonna open if you keep working hard, Janae.

I want you to see what's behind some of those doors.

Okay. Great. See you tomorrow.

Okay. So after flossing my teeth,

and doing that under-eye cream we talked about,

I go to here, Spanish Harlem.

I know it looks messy and everything,

but it's because we have that protest and everything.

My bunk is over there, and right here, we have Pidge and Ouija.

Or Peejee. Say hi, you guys!

- No one calls us that. - I didn't sign a release.

Okay, so over here, we have Maria.

I made this selfie stick out of a plunger and duct tape.

Look at the link below if you want directions.

And over here, we have my best friend, Maritza.

- Say hi, chiquita. - No! Go away!

I already took my face off from this morning.

- I gotta put a new one on. - No. This is a day in the life.

For the people.

Tell them what you're doing. Come on.

Okay, fine.

Hi, everybody!

Okay, so what I'm doing now is contour and highlight.

When I wasn't in prison,

I would do this with a MAC Pro Palette and a ♪19 fan brush.

But in here, I use three spices that you can find in any kitchen.

- Okay. - Cinnamon...

cumin...

and Sazón Goya.

Yes, your face will smell like your abuela's pork.

But listen, you gotta make sacrifices if you wanna look DIY fly like me.

First... contour.

Where's the cheese?

Fuck.

What cheese?

I had cheese, didn't I?

Whoa!

Check it out. Your puke is purple.

Yeah, 'cause the cough syrup's red...

and something was blue.

Hey!

Someone stole the fucking gun.

No, they didn't. We hid it, remember?

- We did? - In the secret place!

Oh, yeah. The secret place where no one else would ever find it.

I'm from Hebei province in China,

56 years old, 108 pounds, and...

I'm annoying as fuck? Who is Mei Chang?

- Damn, Ouij! - Stop pitching me softies. Come on.

All right.

All right.

Okay.

I'm from Omaha, Nebraska, 46 years old, 130 pounds,

ashy-blonde hair and I'm doing nine for media piracy.

- Who is White Cindy? - Seriously?

Yo! My ass was just on the news!

Yo, we're all on the news, dumbass.

It's good 'cause people need to start taking us serious...

No, my actual ass. See.

Yo.

Oh...

Really? Way to keep it classy, perra.

- That hoo-ha out, too? Shit. - I put it all out.

Um, can I help you with something?

Where's Caputo? He's not in the pen with the other little piggies.

Nah, we put him in the Poo. Why?

I'm going to rip his balls off.

Oh, shit.

Oh, this fucking guy again. All morning, "I gotta go, I gotta go."

Need to go to the bathroom!

I think he gotta go big bathroom.

I think that you need to shut the fuck up.

We gave you a bucket. Use the bucket.

A bucket is not a toilet.

Stratman, use the bucket. You're gonna get us all killed.

You don't understand. I can't.

I mean, I can't when there's other people around me.

Since I was a kid. I need total and utter privacy.

Please! Please let me out!

I don't know.

God. Hey, does anyone here know the brown note?

Is that that jazz club in Harlem?

What?

No, it's the sound frequency

that makes your bowels vibrate and release automatically.

- I saw it on Brain Buzzer. - That's not a reputable source.

Hey, Stratman...

- Fuck. Nothing? - Keep going, keep going.

No, no, no. Oh, God.

Oh, stop, stop. Stop. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Yeah? Who's this?

Aleida?

Oh, my God, Gloria?

- What the fuck number's this? - I found a cell phone.

You found a cell phone and you're calling me?

Damn, woman. Ain't you got no real friends?

We were only prison gay. Minus the gay part.

Yeah, what can I say? I missed you.

How's everything out there?

I'm good. Gettin' mad job offers.

You know, different nail salons.

After they seen my cheetah toes, everybody been fightin' over me.

- You see? I told you you'd kill it. - Yeah.

You called it.

How about you? Same shit, same day?

Yeah. Something like that.

You all right, girl? You sound funny.

Listen, I gotta tell you something.

What? What is it?

Nothing.

I feel like I'm, you know, losing my mind in here.

My grip on things.

You gotta do you, girl.

You seen that sign on the subway? "See Something, Say Something"?

Do the opposite of that shit. Say nothing, do nothing.

Keep your chin down, do your fucking time,

and don't take care of nobody but yourself.

Oh, thanks. That's some good advice.

And Daya, of course.

Don't you be no self-centered bitch when it comes to her.

She doin' all right?

Fine. She's a good kid.

Well, tell her I'm busting my ass out here, trying to get us set up,

so she better not be pullin' shit. You tell her that from me.

- Yeah, I'll tell her. - All right.

Mmm. Don't touch.

What, you don't like it when I... when I brush your cheek like that?

No, I like it just fine.

You're just not supposed to be doing anything that I don't say.

- That's the rules. - I'm sorry.

- You gonna let me lead or not? - Yes.

- Okay. - I'm sorry.

Keep telling me what you want me to do. I...

I wanna do to you what the vibrating phone did.

Seeing you get turned on, it was...

It was so hot. I wanna turn you on.

- You do? Well, then do it. - Uh-huh.

You have got to fucking be kidding me, Doggett.

- What? - Get the fuck outside.

Quick, hide. You have to hide.

- Where? - I'll show you where.

- You can hide in here. Get... get in. - What?

Trust me, I've seen it done.

- Seriously? - People fit. Just get in.

Get the fuck in there.

Don't close it all the way. Shhh!

Hey.

Let me give you a little preview of how this thing's gonna end.

See, any minute now, your boyfriend will be captured,

taken to the bubble, where he will be forced to shit in a bucket.

And you'll be lucky if you're not tossed in there right behind him.

Is that what you want? Really? To hold hands over a shit bucket?

I don't know.

What could you possibly not know?

I don't know... because it's chemical, Boo.

Okay? It's like when I used to cook meth, okay?

I can't control the chemicals.

I had to respect the chemicals.

No matter how much I wanted different, l had to respect the chemicals.

Because lye doesn't feel anything until it touches ephedrine.

You know what I mean?

Have you ever... wanted somebody that you shouldn't?

Of course.

It's called masturbating.

Now, say goodbye and walk the fuck away, son.

God. God damn it.

Now the Estée Lauder makeup bag is our final offer

and if you act now we'll throw in, uh, lightly used Invisalign braces.

Oh, wait. For what size mouth?

Mmm. They might work for you, gappy.

Hey, my gap is awesome.

I just wanna fix my left pointy tooth 'cause it's a little twisty.

No! We didn't get into the slave business for braces.

We want land. Turf.

The Latinas got a dorm. Blacks are all over the offices.

- What do the white people have? Nothing. - Everything.

Territory is off-limits.

Then you ain't gettin' King.

And... we're taking our stock public.

Who wants to buy Judy King?

- Selling to the highest bidder. - I do.

Damn, JK! Lotta people hate you.

Or want you, depending how you wanna look at it.

All right, folks, we got a fine-lookin' piece of chattel up here.

A fine-looking piece of chattel.

Cooking skills. Strong backside.

Go on, girl, show 'em your teeth. Lotta gold in there, folks. Lotta gold.

- How do you know how to auctioneer? - Ain't it genetic for her type?

I've got an Estée Lauder makeup bag high bidder, Estée Lauder high.

- Do I hear higher? - Uh, does she cuddle?

Does she know how to dress wounds?

- I've got a phone charger! - That is my charger!

Stifle it, meat!

I've got a phone charger money bidder, folks, phone charger money bidder.

And... and five ramen noodle packets!

Charger and five, do I hear ten?

Would ya give ten? Would ya bid ten? Do ya give ten?

Ten cans of tuna!

Ten tuna can money. Ten tuna money. Do I hear 15?

Uh, 15 AA batteries. That's AA, which is radio and vibrator size.

- I got 20 bottles of beer. - Excellent!

Twenty bottles of beer high bidder. Twenty bottles of beer...

♪ Twenty bottles of beer ♪

♪ Take one down, pass it around... ♪

Okay! I got one boom box from Caputo's office.

Plug in it and everything. And I'll add some white boy CDs.

Man, what we need this white lady for?

We wanna go to the press? We should do it ourselves.

Look, you've seen the news. They think we're torturing hostages.

How are we supposed to get our demands met, and justice for P,

if they think we a bunch of animals?

No, they're gonna think that we're animals no matter what.

Don't you know that?

Yo. I got an autographed copy of Rich Dad Poor Dad.

A Debbie Gibson Electric Youth cassette tape.

Potato chips!

Lisa Frank rainbow unicorn stickers.

I got an Anne Geddes babies calendar from 2007.

- Huh? - Ooh!

And sold, to the big black one,

for the Anne Geddes baby calendar and the other stuff!

What? Why do we need a calendar full of fat babies

posing with pumpkins and fruit and shit?

Unicorn stickers.

It's art. Art is always a sound investment.

Come on, JK. You ours now.

Oh, thank you, Cindy.

Oh, I guess it just shows you should stay friends with your exes, right?

Do you mind taking this collar off me right now?

Bitch, please! The past is the past, and I ain't Oskar Schindler.

Now get down!

Heel!

- Shit, we at the White House? - Sure ain't no Black House.

Uh, Janae! Over here.

This is Courtney, your buddy for the day. Courtney, Janae.

We are so glad to have you here.

Come on! I'll give you the tour.

Is this your first time in Riverdale?

I mean, it's not like I've ever been to the South Bronx.

Although, my dad did once take me to Arthur Avenue

to buy some crazy Italian espresso machine.

He's got this, like, whole coffee thing going on.

This is the south lawn, by the way. Out here we do botany and painting.

And the garden, obviously.

We harvested a whole bunch of stuff on Community Day

and made this giant salad for the PTO.

This is Rocawear, right?

I love it. I have the same exact one at home. Come on.

Running hurts my boobs, but it burns so many calories.

Maybe I just need a better bra.

We're doing Faulkner. As I Lay Dying. Isn't it so aptly named?

Oh, so, this is the reading room. We do SAT prep in here and other stuff.

...in the courts.

There's the question of how many correctional officers, staff members...

Sorry. The fucking 6 train wasn't running between fuck and east fuck,

so I had to walk up 163rd Street,

where I saw not one, not two, but three dicks.

One peeing, one masturbating and one homeless.

Aleida, you seen this?

It's all over the news.

You have to keep in mind, a lot of these women are mentally ill,

sent to prisons because so many of the state facilities have been shut down.

- They talkin' 'bout Litchfield? - More details are emerging

on the breaking news story at Litchfield Penitentiary,

where a violent uprising broke out late last night.

Nah. I just spoke to my girl in there. She didn't say shit about this.

Maybe the riot hadn't started yet?

Ain't you listening? It started yesterday.

She was lying through her fucking teeth.

Fuck!

Where is she?

...often affiliated with gangs and prone to violence.

They have no intention of rejoining polite society.

I feel like I'm seeing you naked... but it's your face.

If and when we storm and there's hand-to-hand combat,

I didn't want any of them to have anything to grab on to.

Still, extreme.

It was a safety issue.

Finally.

We can send these jokers back to Max and get the job done.

- You Piscatella? - I am, sir, yes.

- How can I... - Well, you can start

by finding the owner of this purple PT Cruiser

and telling her to move her car. We need this whole area clear.

Cavalo, Reed, let's get the schematics and assign positions.

And when we get the cars out of here,

we got a shit-ton of press and civilians to contain.

- I have schematics for you, sir. - Yes, sir!

And what I was thinking is, we'd... we...

Need help, Desi? Finding the owner of the vag car?

Voilà.

Your reading nook.

Oh.

- Huh. - What's "Oh, huh" about it?

Well, I thought we talked about the reading nook

being a bit more about reading and less about... clutter.

I like having things around, Piper.

It comforts me. I'm a collector.

Why don't you go over there and sit on your dirty yoga mat

and admire your... collections?

Do you not want me to be comfortable in our dirt home?

I'm simply asking you if these items spark joy.

According to The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up,

you should only have items in your home that... spark joy.

- You know what would bring me joy? - Hmm?

- Smacking you. - Open hand only and just on my butt.

Larry got off target once, and I did not enjoy it.

- So, hard limit. - Funny.

Fuck!

What are all these people doing here?

Maybe they like sleeping alfresco, too.

Maybe they're playing follow the leader.

Shut up.

Caputo, you son of a bitch!

How do you sleep at night, knowing that that mother...

Wrong toilet.

- Oh, sorry. Caputo. - Leave me alone!

- Caputo! - Red, over here.

Hey!

You knew what Piscatella was and you let that beast work here?

In a women's prison?

Hey. Hey!

No kicking! I am very close to an overflow issue here!

He murdered an inmate! And I know you know.

Red, please.

You have no idea how hot it is in here.

And the smell. I can barely breathe.

Oh, is it hot? Is it so hot? Oh!

But at least you're not being boiled alive!

You don't think I've been trying to get rid of this guy, too?

I've been fishing around that same file. That's why it was in my office.

But there was no charges pressed against him.

It went through arbitration. It was...

a guard's word against a dead inmate's.

But where there is guilt, there's recourse.

There's always pins that can be pushed under fingernails.

How do you plan on getting to his fingers when you're in here, in a riot,

and he's out there, with no charges against him?

Maybe, if you wish hard enough,

he'll suddenly decide to sit down and write a confession called "I did it."

Yes... that's good.

- But that's good... - No, that's not good.

Red, let's make a deal. If you help me out of this,

I will write you a glowing commendation for your file.

You helped a warden in a time of crisis.

Red.

Red!

Can you hear me?

I call myself...

Hey, Ruiz! Please!

- He's hyperventilating. - He's not hyperventilating.

He can't breathe and he's humming Sound of Music songs.

Maybe that's normal for him.

- Part of his process. - Stratman?

Strat, Strat, Strat. Listen to me, okay, bud?

I need you to take some deep breaths. Ready?

Good.

Hey, heads up!

- You. - Oh, thank God. God, have mercy!

No, not you! You, PR Guy. Up. Come on. Let's go.

No, no, no! No, no, no, no. Please take me! Please, please take me!

Please, please take me. Take me.

Fucking guy. Wins everything.

♪ Do, a deer, a female deer ♪

♪ Re, a drop of golden sun ♪

- Hey, Ang, look what I found. - Is it the gun?

- It's Donuts. - Oh, no way! How old?

Man. Donuts the guard. Blech.

Do we capture him?

We don't got the gun.

Oh, come on. I've eaten rabbits bigger than him.

For real. There was this weird chemical

in the runoff water that ran near our farm.

My guinea pig got too big to pick up.

On three?

- Let's dunk this donut. - One, two, three.

Hello! Peekaboo!

Get out of there!

Put your hands up and step away from me, inmates! I mean it.

Oh, how cute is that?

You're our hostage now, you squirmy little donut fucker.

Donut fucker!

I could totally see him doing that.

Hey, Penn, look! We're capturers!

I see that. Wow! Good work.

Why are you guys down here?

Well, we were looking for the gun, but instead, we found a giant rabbit pig.

Prison heroes, two days in a row.

Come on, help us take him to the bubble.

Okay. Ooh, I have a better idea. Let's lock him in Poo instead.

And show him how he's really done people wrong.

But then, no one would see our victory parade to the bubble.

Damn, I wish we had the gun for that.

Show 'em our colors don't run.

You know, I have a really good idea.

Why don't you two stay here and look for the gun,

- and I'll fucking take care of him? - No way!

You wanna steal our thunder! Thunder thief.

- Come on. Bubble. - Let's go.

No, wait. No, you guys, I don't want to steal your thunder or your lightning.

I just wanna see justice.

All right, I'll... I'll cover you guys from behind, then.

What do you mean, "which guy"?

The fucking guy you got on your channel right now talking bullshit

about "the gang politics of riots."

- Talking out his ass. - Uh-huh.

Yeah, saying that all the inmates at Litchfield are dangerous?

That they don't want to be rehabilitated?

Everyone I know in there wants to be rehabilitated.

- Okay. - You're supposed to be a producer?

'Cause I'm giving you pro tips here. I just got out that dump.

Wait, you were an inmate? At...

Litchfield! Yes. That's what I been trying to say, pendeja.

My daughter's still in there.

To confirm, you were in prison with Judy King?

Judy King was in prison with me.

Miss Diaz, can we send a town car for you?

You're willing to go on air with us, right?

Yeah.

Ouch!

I said square shape.

Only Rihanna can rock the round toes. Don't forget it.

It's like sawing through an elm.

What was that?

Uh, I said I love working on your feet, Bitch Goddess of Litch.

That's what I thought you said.

Don't worry. I'll free ya someday, Jude.

Just as soon as you work off your debts, hmm?

Though... you never did pay me for them Us Weekly photos, now did you?

- Oh, no. - Mmm-mmm.

So, it's gonna be a while.

All right, spa time is over. Judy need to do her consult with PR.

Oh, hell no!

We ain't even done my asshole hair trimming yet!

Look, I got to spread my cheeks and she gotta get up in there.

Okay. Well, your wild booty hair gonna have to wait.

'Cause Judy need to talk to the press 'fore things swell up out there

and he gonna massage her talking points.

Yes, he is.

Now, wait. You expect me to go speak with the public?

I thought you meant that I could write a statement through my people.

I can't go out there like this! No. I mean, you can't be serious.

Watson, are we serious?

- What's your name, son? - Josh.

Uh, big fan, Miss King. It's an honor.

Thanks, darling. Thanks for watching.

- Now, what's the take? - We got three talking points for you.

- You just gonna wanna stick to the points. - Okay.

"I am not a hostage. I am a participant.

I want justice for Poussey.

I want our demands met."

- That's right. - All right.

Now, do you want me to be off-book, or should I go out with this?

Oh, you can have it with you.

And we all think that you should get back in uniform.

- So you look more united. - Yeah.

And so, what do I say when they ask me, "Why were you on the roof with idiots?"

Oh, no, no, no. Don't answer any questions.

Anything they ask, you say, "That's a great question.

But the bigger question is, what is going on in this prison system?"

- Oh, he is good. - Mmm.

Oh, and I personally think it might be helpful if you shared some sort of, um,

relatable tribulations from your time in here.

Some painful experiences, uh, injustices...

Uh...

Um...

- We could also lie. - I am game to lie.

All right, so now, ladies, what would you like me to say?

We get thrown into the SHU arbitrarily.

We're denied proper health care, dental.

I saw a girl with a tooth gone septic,

and they still didn't take her to the doctor.

We get beat for no reason.

We get cavity searched for no reason.

We stuffed four in a bunk like we factory chickens.

We can't get clean half the time 'cause there ain't enough bathrooms.

We fed slop.

We don't get paid for our labor. We denied education.

We're denied the chance to breastfeed our babies.

We're denied basic humanity.

And we get killed in the cafeteria for no reason.

- You got a pen? - Yeah.

You can't let this white woman speak for us.

She needs to take our stories out her mouth.

Come on, man. I know you saw them people out there with them Judy King signs.

They want to hear from her.

And it would be smart of us if we put her out there.

They'll hear more of what we saying if it comes from her mouth.

Yeah, but she's never been a real prisoner a day in her life.

She ain't in mourning. She ain't outraged.

This is our fight, T.

Ours and Poussey's.

And you're gonna let some fuckin' white woman, like, karaoke our song.

That's fucked.

I got this.

You get to keep the laptops?

No, we keep them during the year and then we return them

so that they can update or replace them over the summer.

Oh, so what did you think of class?

I'm sorry we spent so much time on citations.

Erik thinks we need to know MLA, APA and Chicago Manual.

Yeah.

One of these is my brother's.

For chess. He's a total nerd.

He's at Carnegie Mellon now.

Oh, my God! Do you like musical theater?

Because I have something amazing to show you.

- ♪ All you've gotta do is dream ♪ - ♪ All you've gotta do is dream ♪

♪ All you gotta do is dream ♪

♪ Just dream And pray that we'll be... ♪

- You're doing Dreamgirls? - Yeah.

My parents saw the original production on Broadway.

♪ Dreamgirls ♪

♪ Dreamgirls We'll be there ♪

All right, great. Good adjustment.

Okay. Effie.

Let's go to your solo, second bridge.

You need to give this a lot more soul here, honey.

Channel your inner Aretha and let those "No's" rip.

♪ And I am telling you ♪

♪ I'll never win ♪

♪ You're the best man I'll ever know ♪

♪ There's no way I can ever, ever go ♪

♪ No, no, no, no way ♪

♪ No, no, no, no way I'm living without you ♪

♪ I'm not living without you Not living without you ♪

♪ I don't wanna be free ♪

♪ I'm staying I'm staying ♪

♪ And you, and you, and you You're gonna love me ♪

♪ Oh, you're gonna love me ♪

♪ Yes, sir ♪

♪ Love me Love me ♪

♪ Love me ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ You're gonna love... ♪

I know, right? So moving.

Sing it, Effie!

♪ Me ♪

- Yo, you just hit 10,000 views! - No shit!

Let me see this.

All these comments are about you, though.

No, they're not. Go back.

I saw your name back a ways.

There.

"Flaca looks like a beaner Cher."

Come on!

Cher's awesome. And you do like beans.

Who gives a shit what some Internet troll says?

It's stupid. I'm gonna put it on airplane mode.

"Hashtag, show your tits, Maritz."

Like, where do they come up with this?

Mmm.

Shut the fuck up, Stratman.

♪ You can sing most anything ♪

What? I'm so sick of you babies.

- ♪ Do, a deer, a female deer ♪ - I hate you.

- I hate you. - ♪ Re, a drop of golden... ♪

Can you please let him out?

Hey, do you have any big erasers?

I have sensitive cochlea!

- And I can't stand this fucking idiot. - Fine!

Shut up!

All right. You wanna go to the bathroom, Stratman?

Come on, come on. You...

You go in the fucking Poo.

That's right. What'd you call me, huh? Huh?

You call me what? Go, go. Now, come on.

Oh, thank God.

Wait, there's no toilet paper. I need toilet paper.

I will flip this fucking thing over if you say one more word.

No, no, no. Please, please, please!

Come on!

Delgado, is that you?

Nope.

Gonzales?

Ramos?

Paiz?

Ruiz! Maria Ruiz, please!

Please, help me!

Why the fuck would I do that?

It's 120 degrees in here. The stench...

My vomit is almost reaching the rim.

- Please. - No can do.

You know there will be severe consequences for this.

You know that, Ruiz? Riots end, and inmates go to Max

with years added to their sentence.

If you help me, I will help you.

That's what everyone that's ever fucked me over has said.

What about your kid, Ruiz?

Think about her.

If you help me, I can make sure your sentence doesn't get extended.

Hey, no kicking!

Piscatella already put five more years on my sentence

for no fucking reason, all right?

My daughter won't even know my name by the time I get out anyway.

Ruiz, are you sure he put time on you?

'Course I'm sure!

You... you had a hearing already?

- No. - Then it's not a done deal.

And with the speed paperwork moves around Litchfield,

I wouldn't be surprised

if his recommendation is not even in your file yet.

Have you seen your file?

Piscatella, he's a... monster.

He should never have been working here in the first place, and that's my fault.

But you do not have to become the monster he's making you out to be.

I've seen you with the other inmates.

They look up to you.

Huh? Ruiz?

Stratman?

Oh, fuck.

Okay, enough. You have to tell me what's going on.

What?

Why there is an army of lemmings dressed like you, moving out here.

- You sound insane. - I am not insane!

You're gaslighting me right now.

And technically...

do you know that's emotional abuse?

Do you know how I know that's emotional abuse?

I read it in an online quiz once, called "Are You Being Emotionally Abused?"

Okay, I may have shared some...

some things in my history with a few inmates and it resonated.

- They think I stand for something. - What things from your history?

That I killed Aydin.

You told them that you killed Aydin?

I didn't say Aydin specifically.

I just shared my...

I don't know, status as a... as a murderess.

I don't know, it just came out.

We were supposed to take that to the grave.

I went to Von Barlow and I begged her

- to keep it a secret... - I didn't ask you to do that.

So, what? Do you not want a future with me?

Do you not want a real house?

It's not a real house if I can't carry my truth inside it, Piper.

And now you sound like a fucking E.E. Cummings poem.

I'm not sorry.

Yeah, it sucks that they turned it into some symbol of the resistance or whatever,

but I am glad I said it out loud.

Now, I want to lay down in my tchotchke nook

and I wanna relax until this whole thing blows over.

They heard what they wanted to.

They turned it into some kind of a symbol.

What you do and what you say affects people, Alex.

It affects me.

And if you do not curate your shit, you are not a collector.

- You're a hoarder. - Okay, great.

Very mature. Where're you... Where are you going?

I am going to the guest room.

Oh.

I'm from Fresno, California, 46 years old, Puerto Rican,

- doing 11 years for armed robbery... - Who's Rosalita Pontz?

I'm from North Philly, 5'9", 285 pounds.

I got no identifying marks, and...

Who's Jodi Winkler?

What?

She's like Rain Man.

Yo, you idiots got my file?

Who's Maria Ruiz?

I'm from Kingston, New York. 5'4", 180 pounds.

I got a rose tattoo.

Jessie...

Whoo!

"This prison has put me through unimaginable suffering,

and I am not a victim of this riot.

I am an active participant.

Together, we stand united, protesting..."

No. Uh, should it be "united we stand"?

- Like the Pledge of Allegiance? - No. "We stand united."

"Protesting how unfair this system is."

"How unfair this system is."

No, no. "How unfair this system is."

Yes, yes, that's it. And punch the words. Don't forget.

- You think this is gonna work? - This gotta work.

- It's the only play we got. - Free Judy King!

They sure ain't chanting for Poussey out there. Are they, T?

"The waiter served a dinner roll to the woman that was well buttered."

Come on, guys.

Who can fix the misplaced modifier in that sentence?

Anyone?

Janae?

"The waiter served a dinner roll that was well buttered to the woman."

Everyone?

Do we see why?

Okay, we'll pick up here tomorrow

and then we'll move on to dangling modifiers.

Janae? A word, please.

I need your mom to sign this, so she knows you got a D.

It's hard for me to write grades like this on your work, Janae.

I know what you're capable of.

Whatever. Not like it's a real paper.

What do you mean?

I mean, we ain't quoting secondary sources using APA or MLA,

and we ain't studying SAT words or growing salad,

and we don't even have a library in this school

'cause it got made into a nursery for our fucking hood rat babies!

Janae.

Two zip codes from here they got laptops and art galleries.

They got so much culture, they ain't even knowin' they stealin' ours.

It's a load of shit.

You're right.

I wish you weren't, but it's true.

The Thurston students are privileged and advantaged,

and sometimes you feel like you have to work twice as hard to get half as far,

but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

Okay? You belong with the brightest...

But why even bother playin' a game that's rigged?

Courtney's going to a science camp this summer

that cost more than my dad makes in three months.

How could I ever compete?

I'll see ya, Miss Fowler.

I don't know, you guys.

I just think that we should have a little bit of fun with him,

you know, like, torture him.

One by one. I'll go first.

Nah, I don't like that show. Change the channel.

These guard uniforms are itchy.

Maybe we should change them after we dump him?

Yeah! Let's wear bedsheet togas and trip again.

Mmm, yeah!

Oh, yeah. And maybe we'll find the gun that way.

'Cause we'll go, like, full circle and remember where we put it.

Yeah.

Freeze!

Put your hands up! Put your hands up! Get over there.

- You stole our gun? - No, it was in her belt.

- Angie, are you fucking kidding me? - What?

You put it on your belt!

I didn't even know I was wearing a belt.

I must have put it on when I was fucked up.

Which is weird, because I hate belts. They give me camel toe.

Intake is your best bet out, okay? But be really careful in the hallways.

Here, take it.

Oh, shit!

- What the fuck! - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Shit. I'm sorry! It was...

- Shut the fuck... - It was an accident.

You shot my favorite finger,

- you fucking asshole! - Go.

- But I can't leave you. - You have to go, okay?

Just go. Hurry.

- Ooh... fuck. - Oh, my God.

- Fucker! - Are you gonna die?

You are so gonna pay for this.

- Get her! - Bitch!

What? No... No, I gotta do the PR.

Judy. Judy King.

Judy King, are you a Muslim now?

Judy. Judy King. Are you a Muslim now?

You want me to talk first or make an introduction?

- Judy! - No, I'll start.

Did they hurt you at all?

Are you in any jeopardy?

Good morning. My name...

is Tasha Jefferson and I'm an inmate here at Litchfield.

Two days ago,

our friend and fellow inmate, Poussey Washington,

was murdered by a prison guard.

Poussey Washington.

And I'm sayin' her name again because it can't ever be said enough.

Now, as you can see, Judy King ain't injured

and she ain't a hostage.

And she has a statement that she'd like to make at this time.

And good morning, my fellow Americans.

"This prison has put me through unimaginable suffering.

- And I am not a victim of this riot... " - No, she will not...

She is not gonna be making a statement.

Sorry.

She will not be speaking for us

because Judy King can't speak for the inmates of this prison.

She was kept separate from us,

held in a private room with better treatment and a seltzer-maker.

And moments after our friend, Poussey Washington,

was murdered by a guard for doing nothing wrong,

Judy King was packing her bags to go home on early release.

Because she's rich and white and powerful.

Now, our fight is not with Judy King.

Our fight is with a system that don't give a damn

about poor people and brown people and poor brown people.

Our fight...

is with the folks...

who hold our demands in their hands.

Which you people need to read, by the way,

and stop watching this fool shit comin' out of here online

and get a hold of our demand list because those demands are fair and necessary,

and show that we intend to keep this demonstration

peaceful and focused on change.

Now, Judy King is free to leave.

She's not a hostage and you can have her back.

Judy, get the hell out of here.

Oh, my God. What did I just do?

You fuckin' freed my ho!

Who's gonna tend to my African sunflower?

You ever think about a career in the church?

That was something.

You did her right.

You did our girl right, T.

Open this door!

Open the door or I'll shoot!

Uh, I'm fine.

Hey! Hey!

Drop your weapon!

Drop it!

Oh, my God. Let me out of here!

Put it down! Put down the weapon!

Move in! Move in!