All language subtitles for fico-kumml 2014 bdrip

NUMMELA FILMI & PORKKANA RYHMÄ
presents

Let's do a tail slate.

This was the last scene of
Excalibur 4: The Rod in the Stone.

I just want to tell you all-

that l have taken out a huge loan
to finance this film.

My mum, my granny and my sax-wife's
ex-mother acted as guarantors.

Thanks, everyone...

The wrap party is cancelled.
Fuck you!

Kurre, how was my acting?
I think I found the right focus.

It was a penetrating portrayal.

Kurre, wait.

Here's the poster draft for
Excalibur 3: The Rod in the Stone.

Not bad, eh? You can see the trolls,
the cannibals and the wizard.

This is Excalibur 4.
-what?

The first two were Excalibur and
Excalibur 2: The Return of the King.

The Return of the G-String?
-The King.

The Return of the Dingaling.

This will be awesome. This is good.

Tomi Paatelainen
promised to work for us.

He's a great graphic designer.
He married our Stina.

Now they're living
in our villa in Kallvik.

You lovade to fix the lodge.
- I'm busy.

You're always like that!
You don't do anything.

Hey, I'm working. I have to make
the poster for Excalibur.

Your dad is breathing down my neck.
- Then hire a decorator.

I don't know any builders.

Directory enquiries. May I help you?
-Mauri Mähönen, Tyrnävä.

Here's a master builder
named Monkki Mähönen.

It might be a professional name.
- Put me through, please.

Just a moment.
-Hello?

This is Tomi Paatelainen, hi.
-You little prick. What's up?

I'm in advertisement business.
Film posters and graphic design.

Listen, are you still doing
renovation jobs?

This place is rotten.
It should be torn down.

This is our family villa.
One should respect history...

Don't you teach your father to fuck.

Am I not allowed
to peek inside the walls?

Stina, let Monkki check the building.

Let's take a look at the structure.

Shit a brick and fuck me with it.
It's always like this.

Well, what do you see?
- This is full of shit!

Do you smell it?

Your old bass guitar.
Have you played recently?

What's the meaning of this?
- We're old band mates.

Monkki was the drummer of Cobra.
- I should've known.

Hey, cow. Don't you know
how good a bassist your hubby is?

Time to make a hole.

We asked you here to fix the lodge.

You can sleep in our sauna.
- All right.

For the lodge I have thought...
Please, take a look.

A fifties-style wallpaper -

a white panel ceiling
and drapes from this fabric.

Shit! That flower stung me!
Fucking hell...

Tomi, I have pots and pans in my van.
- Pots and pans?

Drums? Really?

Let's put them in the lodge.
They'll fit in there.

He's an intolerable oaf.
He doesn't listen and calls me a cow.

Darling Stina,
he's a man of the people.

You should try to be nice to him.

You forgot the brochures
on the porch.

It'd be jättekiva if you could make
the lodge a little bit cosier...

Okay, but I need
a full case of beer.

Are you going to bring it
now or immediately?

Javisst, of course.

Vad is that? I was startled.

Good double bass drumming. Listen.

I'm sure he's not going to play
for long at his age.

"He's not going to play for long.“
He's a tireless... grottman.

What is grottman in Finnish?
-A caveman.

It sounded really good.
You've always had good drum sounds.

That's right.
- Is this the old drum set?

Stina asked me...
or rather told me to ask you -

when are you going to begin
your work?

Is this a labour camp?
- Of course not.

No pressure from me.
- How much will you pay me?

Of course we'll pay you.
what is your hourly rate?

Do you think I'm gonna count hours?
- Of course not.

It's a thousand euros a day. In cash.
- That's quite a lot.

Hey, come on, compadre.
Your old lady is loaded.

What are these fucking slimeballs?

It's scallop pasta.
- It's shit, you trollop!

I want shepherd's pie and sausages
before I starve to death.

And bring me the hard stuff.

On the double!

Hey, Monkki. Have some mercy.
-"Have some mercy."

Give me some sub.
I want an advance on wages.

...5,800, 5,900, 6,000.

Is the lodge going to be ready
in time for our crayfish party?

I have a couple of
wallpaper choices.

Give me the booze.

Now he stopped.
- I'm scared.

You är going to Helsinki tomorrow.
I'm stuck here with that monkey man.

Everything's going to be okay.

Did it go through?

What? Are you shagging?

Yuck.

It burns!

My arse is on fire!

Toni Paatelainen. Leave a message.

It's jag. Listen, Tomi...

Mähönen was in our toilet.
Luckily, he's gone now.

He took our money.
I hope he's not coming tillbaka.

What's the matter, Stina?
Are you ill?

No, everything's fine.

Let's play "Wild Beast".

Amazing women by the sea!

Do you have any Coca-Cola?
I can't drink this straight.

Stina, they're really nice guys.

Gerhard Rihmakallo is
a German mushroom expert -

who moved to Finland in the '80s.

His real name is
Gerhard ScheiBenhaus.

He's the king of riffs.

And the singer,
David Foster aka Tapio Mäkinen -

is my old schoolmate.

He's working for the municipality of
Tyrnävä, marking baseball lines.

How do you know them?
- They are Cobra.

Gerhard, you're the brains
in your band.

You seem like an intelligent man.

Do you understand Swedish?
Talar du svenska?

Okay, let's try German.

Hjälp!-'

This is a new song,
"David's On Fire".

It begins with a massive guitar riff.

The drumming begins with a gong.
And it's awesome -

to have our bassist playing with us.

Now the going's so good
that I could use a beer.

Välkommen to our traditional
crayfish party here in Kallvik.

I have invited a couple of important
co-operation partners to join us.

Here's a film director
and my dear friend -

Kurt “KurreKurre” von Riikonen.

Maybe you could say something about
your fantastic new film, Excalibur}.

Four.

The film's genre is not just sci-fi.
There's also a dash of fantasy.

And here's my dear vän-

the editor-in-chief of
The Sensationalist, Julle Rekola.

I've had a gay old time with Julle.
Our co-operation has been great.

Kalle, Kurre and everyone -

it's always a great pleasure
to be with real men's men -

whether on land, sea or air.

Skål, everyone. To crayfish.

Now I feel we should play "Lizard".

What the helvete is this?

Who the hell are you?

You have no...

Hey, Swede. Shut the fuck up.

Didn't you hear what David said?
He said "hush".

David, go ahead.
- Gerhard, you had something to say.

Go ahead, Gerhard.
- Let's play "Fireball".

My darling lilla Stina will now come
with me to talk about your future.

And I'm going to give the Excalibur
poster to a good graphic designer.

And Tomi... You're fired.

You have two days
to get rid of that riffraff.

Drink some water.
Now we're going to calm down...

what are you thinking?

My wife's gone.

Don't you worry.
Now we can practice in peace.

Look, it's Leather Jaska,
Mullethead and Stud.

But where's Spunk?

There he is! Spunk is coming!

TWO DAYS LATER

what the helvete?!

They're just setting up the gear.
The party is tomorrow.

Hey, this guy is causing trouble.

Kalle, you're running wild.
why are you rampaging?

What is happening here?
- The guys are setting up the gear.

Cobra is playing tomorrow.
- It'll attract over 600 people.

Cobra's concert?
- You're dumb as a doorknob.

This is a great place.

Rihmakallo said this point of land
is made for festivals.

Just add parking, tents,
the stage and a bar.

When we cut down those trees,
there's room for 15 to 20,000 people.

A festival? 50,000 people?

The lodge could be used as a jail.
Do you want to go to jail, Kalle?

Cow... I mean Stina.
-Vad?What?

Why are you always so tense?
You're whining day and night.

Tomi is a bass artist.

And don't you worry about
the renovation. Spunk will handle it.

I don't have time to do it.
I'm a percussion instrument artist.

Are you going to live here?
- Absolutely not.

Maybe during the summer
and the Christmas season.

Tomi?
- Sorry, baby. This is the real me.

You're not coming here.

Go away and come back tomorrow.

Shay what you want. We're coming in.
- No, you're not. Shtay away.

Are you making fun of my lishp?
-of courshe not. Shtay away.

He's making fun of you.
- Are you making fun of my lishp?

He's making fun of Jouni.
- Wanna get your head smashed in?

I'll wipe that shmile off your face.
- Please, go away.

He's afraid of you.
- Attack!

Have a gingerbread ice cream.
- I don't like them.

Have an ice jolly.
- That's not real ice cream.

Everyone getsh a choc ice.

I want a choc ice.
- I'll have the same.

Me too.
- And me.

One choc ice, please.
- What has happened to you, Risto?

I fell off my moped in a bend.

One choc ice, please.
- You have a black eye and bruises.

I fell off in the same bend.
-One choc ice, please.

Pentti, did you crash your ATV
in the same bend?

Yeah, it was a pile-up.

It must be one slippery bend.
- One choc ice, please.

Jarmo, I guess you crashed
your moped in the same bend.

No, we got our arses kicked
by a group of heavy metal roadies.

We didn't manage
to throw even one punch. Bye.

The men in our village...
-Risto is ugly and stupid.

Pentti is fat.
Antti is just super annoying.

I bet they're all virgins.
- And then there's Jouni.

A pathetic splutterer.
- Thinks he's the leader.

Have you noticed how he looks at you?
- But he's really small.

Could you imagine being with him?
- Not even if he was the last man.

Take a look at their little thingies.
They're just a bunch of buffoons.

I'm not buying anything
from thish shop.

Jouni, why didn't you buy ice cream?

I'll put plenty of sausages
in your fresh sausage soup.

That's nice. I like lumpsh.

COMEDY, DRAMA
CRIME

Don't watch your films until dawn.

Then you'll just snooze
till afternoon.

What is that movie called?
-Shpiderman 3.

Risto, be careful with those.
Jouni is calling.

Antti.
-where are you?

What?
-where are you?

We're watching Pentti's dad's cows.
- Come to the Shkull Cave.

Okay.)'-

We're going to rob
jushtiina's shop.

What?
- We're going to rob Jushtiina's shop.

All the cash and tenderloinsh.
- Why?

Becaushe they're fucking with ush.

It's an impossible mission.
- I have a plan.

Justiina is going to kill us.
- What is this plan of yours?

You've all sheen Harrishon Ford in
Witnessh with those Amish guysh.

Me and Antti will go to Justiina's
shop dressed ash the Amish.

We'll shurvey the shecurity shystems.
There are two shurveillance camerash.

A shecurity guard visitsh jushtiina's
shop at leasht once a day.

He enters through the back door
which has a double padlock.

That's a tricky one. But the shop
has a weak point: the tin roof.

The ceiling is made of shoft
Haltex panelsh. Passh it around.

We're entering through the ceiling.
-justiina will strangle us.

We need a wild bunch.
Shpecialists!

Shteven Sheagal, Shylvester
Shtallone, Charlesh Bronson and...

...Telly Shavalash!

Where are you going, Rishto?
- Mealtime.

It's my mealtime, too.
- I'm going for a swim.

Let's go, boys.

Jouni, you have been
in your own world recently.

What do you mean?

You haven't mown the lawn
or chopped firewood.

And you should clean your room.

This morning,
you didn't flush the toilet.

Shorry.
- Here's a cucumber sandwich.

Thanksh.
- Don't watch films all day.

What is this movie called?

Jouni is calling. Antti.

Where are you?
-On the beach.

Immediately to the Shkull Cave.
-But I haven't swum yet.

Okay. To the Skull Cave.

I haven't swum yet.
- Now.

Boysh, do you know what these are?

Rishto.
- They look like suction caps.

Me and jarmo will climb onto the roof
ushing shuction cupsh.

Seems quite difficult.
- What do you mean "difficult"?

The wall is not smooth.
The suction cups won't work.

They don't adhere
to a porous surface.

Bugger. Ish that she?

jarmo, why are you naked?
- I left my swimming trunks at home.

But why are you naked?
- I told him to swim in his underwear.

He didn't have any,
so he swam in his shorts.

The shorts came off because
the elastic band was too loose -

and he had his keys in his pocket.

Why are you jumping, jarmo?
- I have water in my ear.

Blimey, jarmo is jumping.

So?
- It's whatchamacallit... Parkour!

What's that?
-It's city jumping.

You've seen it in Casino Royale.

I'm going to jump like a brown hare
onto the tin roof.

Then I'll throw a rope to jarmo.

jarmo is not able to climb the wall.
- He's going to climb the wall.

Now my ear is empty.

We'll cut a hole in the tin roof with
a shide grinder and lower me inshide.

How do you get electricity?
- Good point. Let me think.

We can borrow my dad's generator.
- We'll use a generator.

Then we can ushe the grinder-

to cut a hole for me.

The ceiling is
a piece of cake for me.

Then I'll lower myself
into jushtiina's shop.

But you said that there are
two surveillance cameras.

Bugger. That's a good point.

What are we going to do now?

When are we going to go
to the shop dressed as the Amish?

Go swimming.
Fish out Jarmo's shorts -

and the Shkull Cave's shpare key.

Happy Birthday, Jouni.
Have some cake.

Sit down. I'll take a picture.

49 years. when you turn fifty,
we'll cut those sideburns.

No way. I'd look stupid.

Mat“.
-Where are you?

We're driving dougnuts.
-To the Shkull Cave.

But I haven't driven the lawnmower.
- Now!

Okay.)'-

To the Skull Cave!

Rishto,
you'll go to Jushtiina's shop-

and take a photo of the area where
the shurveillance camera ish pointed.

The camera records in B & W -

so you musht develop a B & W photo
in a dark room.

Then you'll build a mount-

and shecretly hang your photograph -

in front of the shurveillance camera.

But I haven't got a camera.
And how do we find a dark room?

Why are you like that?
Don't be like that!

We'll fool the shurveillance camera -

sho that I can be lowered
into the store.

But what if the security guard
is in the shop?

What then?
- What are we going to do now?

Pentti, Antti, Rishto and jarmo,
why are you messhing with me?

Jouni, you are messing with us.
- Pentti is right.

You have a short fuse.
- A short fushe!

Fushe... I figured out how to
get rid of the shecurity guard.

Pentti, you know how to weld.
- Yeah.

Your mother is coming, Jouni.
Terttu is coming.

I brought you
marble cake and squash.

What are you planning, boys?

Are you up to your tricks again?
- Of course not.

You're such nice boys.

Goodbye.
- Thanks for the cake, Terttu.

Thanks.
- Thanks, Terttu.

Pentti, you can weld the shop's
back door shut.

The shecurity guard can't get in
becaushe the door is welded shut -

and he goesh home.

And then I can get inshide
jushtiina's village shop.

You haven't taken into account
that Justiina might be in her shop.

Shit.

Jouni!
-Yea h?

Your egg sandwich is on the table.
Good night.

What are you watching?
- All the Batmanfilmsh.

It's Jouni. Antti.
- Where are you?

I'm at home, in bed.
- To the Shkull Cave!

What about Rishto, Pentti and jarmo?
- They're not coming.

They said they no longer
want to be involved.

Why not?

Pentti doesn't want to borrow
his dad's generator all the time.

Jarmo is afraid of the side grinder
and the dark room confuses Risto.

Then they said you boss around
and don't listen to their ideas.

But they don't have any ideas.

Risto meant that if they had ideas.

What about you?
- I have nothing else.

Jouni?
- What?

What does "Amish" mean?

Come here, boysh.

“Mo, do you know 'aha
Tupshu shim about yen'!?

No.
- She shaid that you're shtupid.

That's right.

Guess what she shaid about you,
Rishto? She shaid you're a virgin.

That's right.

Guess what she shaid about you,
Pentti?

She shaid that you're
a four-eyed fatsho.

Really?
-justiina made fun of our rides.

What? That's a bit rich!
These aren't even finished yet.

Hum 'x .
' “M- Mn“.!

1 want to be Shteven Sheagal
-1 want to be Steven Seagal

I don't want to be Richard Gere
-1 don't want to be Richard Gere

1 want to be Schwarzenegger
-I want to be Schwarzenegger

who wantsh to be Hugh Grant?
-Nobody! Nobody!

You know that
justiina is talking crap.

I'm pretty sure
that I'm not a virgin.

And Pentti is not fat.
He is just heavy.

When we have robbed
jushtiina's shop-

jushtiina's and Tupshu's livesh
will go down the drain.

They'll have to file for pershonal
bankruptcy. They'll be poor.

And they will both be
begging ush for shex.

Yes, where wash I?

We have eliminated the camerash,
out-faxed the shecurity guard -

and now I can once again
lower myself into jushtiina's shop.

Jouni...
- What ish it?

What about Justiina and Tupsu?
They're in the shop.

Pentti, the answer is Antti.
- Antti?

Antti.
- What?

We 'll shpray Antti with self-tanning
lotion and greashe him up.

He'll be our decoy.
- What does it mean?

A shtool pigeon.

While Antti flexes his musclesh
like Schwarzenegger-

I'm going to rob Jushtiina's shop.

Any questionsh?
- Sounds good.

Here are your costumes
for the youth society's masked ball.

I don't want to go
to a masked ball.

You're going.
These are our costumes.

Oh, that's right.
- But they're not black.

I think black
is such a depressing colour.

And what colour did you ushe?
- Different colours.

Bloody hell.
I guess we'll have to wear these.

Now it begins.

Antti, have I been all keyed up?
- It's nothing. Don't worry.

Jouni, what are we going to do?
- Don't ashk me.

Antti?

Men, attack!

Kalle, is the drummer and his band
Cobra still living in the villa?

No, they're on tour, in Germany.

When will I get the Excalibur poster?

It's on its way.
just a little longer.

Julle, how is The Sensationalist
involved in the marketing?

I've been thinking about
a hunting trip.

Let's go and shoot
a shitload of bears.

We can do a story about the makers of
Excalibur hunting bears.

Pentti! Oh my God!
- Do you see that?

What the helvete?
- What is this circus?

Wait a moment.
I'll take some pictures.

Erkki "Slop Bucket" Sysimetsä,
this is how we sell magazines.

Beginner's luck.
You just happened to be there.

Don't you get smart with me.

You're writing stories about
Keijo-Sinikka's summer cottage.

Sinikka has a gold record.
- In the seventies, Sysimetsä!

1973.
-You write too much.

People want pictures. Here are some
pictures. Look and learn.

This arsehole is Antti Peräkorpi.
He was flexing his muscles -

to lure the shop assistants out.

This is Pentti Alakarvasto. He was
supposed to weld the back door shut -

but a spark lit him up.

This is Risto Näre.

He was supposed to fool the
surveillance camera with a photo.

This is jarmo Komulainen. They
managed to cut a hole in the roof -

but Komulainen got stuck.

This guy is
the "brains" of the outfit.

Jouni Hirvi had a panic attack
and cried for his mummy in a ditch.

I got the best material -

when the shopkeeper
justiina found out-

that these nitwits
tried to rob her shop.

Look at this shit.
I just had to start shooting video.

The images are moving.
- This is a YouTube hit.

What will happen to those guys?
will they do time?

No, every talk show
wants to have them.

They'll be touring in a helicopter
and releasing records and books.

Jouni got excited when he heard that
they're making a film based on them.

You're fired!
Stide, is the fake tits here?

What?
- Is the fake tits here?

There she is. Where's Thomas?
- Julle.

There's a slight problem with my
costume. I don't have the sword...

Kalle!
- Vad is it?

Stide is going to take pictures
of fake tits and Thomas.

Then Stide will send them to me
and I will publish them.

Okay. Go, go, go.

Did you say that I'm fired?

Listen to me, Julle. I began to write
for The Sensationalist in the '60s...

Shut up. You're fired.

Now! Get the fuck out of here.

Get out of this building.

Listen... Hey, listen!

Do you remember...
of course not.

But listen... One sunny morning,
about fifty years ago -

I was on my way to The Sensationalist
offices for the very first time.

It was spring.
The air was oozing with eroticism.

Urpo Lehtinen
was the editor-in-chief.

He gave me the nickname
"Slop Bucket'.

Urpo told me to write a feature
about the sinful Finnish summer.

At the same time,
organ repairman Arvo Hakala -

was leaving his dog
with his neighbour for the summer.

Thank you, Alma.
Have a nice summer.

Arvo, try to leave the ladies alone.

Otherwise, there'll be hell to pay.
- Of course.

Bye.
- Bye.

Well, hello Seija.

You're still delivering the post.

What is our route?
- First to Alahärmä. A tuning job.

Then to Ylihärmä'.
An organ needs servicing.

The B-foot and 16-foot pipe valves
are stuck -

and the woodpipes are clogged up.

There's a full renovation job
in Köyrä.

In Köyrä...
we've never been to Köyrä.

First we'll take a pump organ
to Nurmo.

To Nurmo? The school of Ala-Yrvä?

Helena is there.
- Yes, she is.

Each tiny floweret whispers
the great life-givers name

I have brought you an organ.

Thank you, children.
You can go home already.

I have other things to do.

It's wonderful that you're here.
But what if the headmaster comes?

Helena, it's been an eternity
since I last kissed your lips -

felt your sensitive bosom -

and caressed
the soft skin of your buttocks.

It's not the headmaster
who will come soon.

Helena?

The pump organ is working now.
- Thank you, Yrjö'.

Thank you.
- Yrjö

Yes'!
-This will take a moment.

Okay, I'll wait for you in the car.

Helena?
- Yes?

Have a nice summer.
-Likewise.

Where are you, Helena?

Our pump organ
has been serviced.

I must pump it immediately.

What is that sound
coming from the map room?

Helena? Is something wrong?

What a sight.

Crikey, the pump organ repairman is
pumping Helena with his organ.

It's as thick as a yardstick.

Get a grip, Isotalo.

And so went the summer.

Yrjö' drove the car -

and Arvo drove women crazy.

Hello. Is something wrong?

Hello. We have a flat tyre.
Do you happen to have a jack?

Sure, we have a jack for you.

I wonder if there are any
raspberries in the bushes?

Let's check it out.
- Yes.

I'm Wolf Scout leader
Peter Ramfeld.

Heidi is a Bunny Scout leader
from Munkkiniemi.

We were on our way to a jamboree,
when our tyre blew out.

I'm a knot course instructor and
Heidi is running a first aid course.

I might get to go to sauna
with Heidi tonight.

What was that?
A badger? A pine marten?

Sounds like it.
- That's not a pine marten.

Maybe it's a rutting badger.
- That's not a badger.

Was that all?
- Yes. Thanks for the help.

Everyone's happy now.

Get in the car, Heidi.

Okay then...

I had trouble writing my story -

because I had been on a bender
the whole summer.

I had been travelling around Finland
on The Sensationalist's tab -

and was stuck in a motel
somewhere in Northern Ostrobothnia.

But one evening,
the action picked up.

Two organ repairmen came in,
Yrjö Kortesmäki -

and Arvo Hakala,
who was a superstud.

Half an hour later, and the waitress
was ready and willing.

I never figured out why women
were interested in Hakala -

but the waitress was like putty
in his hands.

His singing sends butterflies
to my stomach.

Oh dear me...
- What is it?

Well...

Do you have fresh towels
in your room?

Let's go and check it out.

Oh yes!

Hakala': downfall was the fact -

that this world is full of
jealous and vengeful men.

Your friend is quite the ladies' man.

Well, I don't know about that.

We're organ repairmen.
We're just doing our job.

Yrjö' was a novice drinker,
so I started buying him drinks -

and pumping him for information
on Hakala's female encounters.

1 realised that this is the story
I'd been looking for.

"Superstud took the waitress'
hand and guided her to the stairs -

leading to a sinful motel room."

"The waitress felt hot and cold
waves going through her..."

"fl-body-n

I have a sensational story for you.
I'm sending it right away.

Don't puke on the floor!
- I didn't do it on purpose.

I'm sorry.
- I'm sending you a bill.

How can I contact you?
- Call me on the porcelain phone.

Where's Raili?
- She's taking a shower.

Shit!
- What's wrong, Yrjö?

Should I drive today?
- Gentlemen...

where are you headed?
- To Köyrä', I think.

To Köyrä? I'm going there, too.

Can I tag along?

Life on the road
must be quite wild.

Well, all kinds of things happen
along the way.

My life's not always this wild.
- I can believe that.

I was so smitten
but you gave me the mitten

La la la la la la,
why did you make a fool out of me?

The organ repairmen, I presume.
Welcome to Köyrä.

Our organ is in need of service.
I'm cantor Sakari Res.

Well, well, well.
We have never serviced this organ.

The vicar has been stingy-

but soon our organ will be clean as
a whistle. It's a lead-pipe cinch!

How come every other
pedalboard key is broken?

There's a big wedding coming up.
I'll be going up the aisle -

with a beautiful woman.

You're getting married?
Congratulations.

I do!

I'm playing my trouser trumpet.

I'm the vicar of this parish.
Rauno Ylämäki.

Hello.
- Nice to meet you.

Are the organ repairmen
busy at work?

Yes, they're tuning the organ.

Go tell them that there's a lunch
waiting at the vicarage.

Elk soup.
- Thanks for the invite.

What the hell? Your Camionnette's
radiator is leaking.

I'm not a big fan of organ music.

Our Sakari is such a bad
organ player-

that he can barely play any hymns -

let alone Christmas songs.

Okay, that's enough. But now our
organ will be ready for the wedding.

An esteemed cantor
is coming from Nurmo.

He knows all the wedding marches
by heart.

Sakari told us about the wedding.

That's right.
And it's going to be a big wedding.

My daughter Susanna and Sakari
are getting married.

They're going to love each other
till death does them part.

That was a good one!

Whoever is holding a fart,
is keeping a secret.

And if shit doesn't stink,
it's gone bad!

Ben appétit!
-The vicarage was a madhouse.

We spent weeks in Köyrä.

The cantor had completely crushed
the organ.

That'll do!

Yrjö and Arvo beavered away.

I must say,
they were true professionals.

A little too high.

They were staying
in the vicarage granary.

They slept all night
and worked all day.

Oh yeah.

I decided to observe
how the situation would unfold.

I lied to the vicar-

that I was a poet
who needed a workroom.

I'm a poet who needs a workroom.

There's always room for a poet
in our granary.

I know a poem.

I was just fifteen
when I took my grandfather's life

I taught him a lesson
by tickling his ribs with my knife

I wrote my best work
in that granary.

"Finland's sinful summer",
"Superstud" -

"Superstud and the three tarts '1
"Superstud sows his seeds ” -

"The return of Superstud",
"Superstud rides again" -

"who is Superstud?'
and 'This is Superstud".

Those magazines sold like hot cakes,
and I got my nickname, "Slop Bucket".

But then the story
took an unexpected turn.

Arvo was a restless man.
He couldn't sleep.

Good evening.
- Good evening to you, too.

You play the saw beautifully.
Fancy a walk this night?

I don't want to marry
that farting ogre.

He behaves like a pig.
And my father just laughs.

He thinks that Sakari is a funny guy.

You cannot force love to happen.

I want to run away.

Arvo, it is a new work day.

Today, we're going to polish
organ pipes.

Arvo?

Is Arvo here?

Goddamn...

THIS IS SUPERSTUD

Fucking hell!

YOU rat!

Hello? This is headmaster Isotalo.

I have a question.
- Ask away.

Is an organ repairman named
Arvo Hakala repairing your organ?

Well... yes.

Do you read magazines?

Let's cut his balls off-

with a rusty fighting knife.

Susanna?

Susanna!

Where is Susanna?
- Susanna!

Who is Susanna?
- Susanna is Susanna!

Susanna!
- I'm going to kill him!

I'm going to kill him!
- Kill! Kill!

Arvo, wake up.
You have to go now.

Susanna, I think I love you.

I love you too, Arvo.

Where is he?
-where is that lothario?

Is he in the cupboard?

I'm going to kill him!

Rauno, do you have heavier weapons
in the attic or under the floor?

I sure do.

Arvo!

What is this commotion?

Arvo, you're in trouble.

They're pissed off.

They hit the engine.

Yrjö, thanks for everything.
I'm sorry.

It's time to break out
the heavy artillery.

Sakari, a little to the left.
- What?

Everyone, squeeze up a bit.
Taneli, chin up.

Don't look into the camera.
Say cheese.

Great.

Get the hell out of our way.

Superstud, your game's up.
It's payback time!

Time to meet your maker, lothario!

I was so smitten
but you gave me the mitten

La la la la la la,
why did you make a fool out of me?

Are you happy now?

Arvo Hakala was remembered by
Susanna, Yrjö and Rekku the dog.

Also a multitude of women
paid their respects to a man -

who had brought joy
to their everyday lives.

Ever since the funeral, there have
been fresh flowers on his grave -

and an eternal flame.

That was the beginning of my career,
but it's all over now.

Don't you want to order anything?
- No. I've had enough.

Hey, you forgot your magazines.

INTERNATIONAL FUNDING
FOR EXCALIBUR?

This is sub-par work.
who did the poster?

Me. It's not that bad.

I have to get a couple million.
Otherwise, it's bye-bye life.

Has Make the Millionaire arrived?
- No.

But the room is full of
international sponsors.

Sometimes Igor has a little taster.
How do you say it in English?

Well?

The Americans have left.
They're so rude.

Do you have to talk over it?
Now the Germans have left.

Achtung! Ze programm kontinues.

Lapland! You burned Rovaniemi.

Just to let you know,
Make the Millionaire is now here.

Make is here. Great.
- No, it's not.

What were you saying?
- Make drank three bottles of booze.

He is shitfaced.

Fucking hell.

I have money!

Let's go.
- I'm on the ceiling.

The cannibals
get the shit kicked out of them.

I have a train to catch.

"1 have a train to catch."
Catch that train then!

What about your train? And your bus?
- I have a dentist appointment.

Go catch your trains and buses! Go!
The train is leaving!

Go! All aboard!

What kind of mistake?

Make!
-Yeah?

The Japs say that (Ögil killed
John's father Bill in part II.

(Ögil poisoned him.

why didn't anyone tell me?
- You never ask anything.

Dear 3695-"...

It was a great success.

Don't you fucking write about this.
- Of course not.

Kurre. These Japanese gentlemen
have something to say.

Screw Zero, Nagamoto,
hara/rirl} kamikaze and banzai.

Soon we'll be hunting bears!
We're tough as nails!

Hey, try to behave back there.

What the fuck?

We just got 18 million!
Shut the fuck up, you flying monkey!

Don't you know who I am?
john Excalibur!

I don't care! I have money.

I have so much money
that even death is funny

I have such an expensive toy
that even death brings me joy

Look at those country bumpkins.

Try to hit them.

Hey, flying monkey, land there.

We're getting out.

This is not your destination.
- Do as Kurre tells you.

Land the whirlybird.
- Land the whirlybird.

Land the whirlybird!

Daddy! A helo!
The Vietnam War is starting!

Are you okay, boys?
-Jeremias is fine.

Hesekiel is okay. They dropped
a hundred kilos of napalm.

Don't exaggerate.

They're just arrogant arseholes
from Helsinki.

Calm down.

More. A little bit more.
That's good.

Guys, guess what this lake is called?

This is Jordan.

Make, let's booze.

A killer. Don't point it at me.

Good.

This is chamois from
Mount Kilimanjaro. 400 euros a kilo.

I have a hundred kilos
in the freezer.

Tender as fuck.
Marbled chamois.

Let's leave the meat to cook
and shoot some bears.

Take your CB radios.
- Be quiet for a moment.

Shush! Listen.

The wilderness... It's so relaxing!

Where are the bears?

Put the safety on!
- Where is it?

There's something wrong
with my rifle.

A bullet hit momma's jar.
- Esteri, my wife!

Father Isaskar, those townies have
set up camp without permission.

Nobody camps here,
with or without permission.

Calm down, boys.
- But we're already calm.

Yeah, but more.
I'm declaring a holy war.

Metusalem, bury these.

If you live by the elk rifle,
you die by the elk rifle.

It's time to teach these fucktards
a valuable lesson.

Throw them in there.
- Thomas! Korhonen!

Don't move. They'll see you.

There's one of those vermin.

Look.
The townies are surprisingly fast.

Lead it a little.

That's my boy!

Go get the body.

What is this thingy?

Shut

You townie monkey.

Wake up, Make!

Hello? Does anyone hear me? Over.

Hello? Does anyone hear me? Over.

Hello? Does anyone hear me? Over.

Hello. Over.

Hello. Our camp has been destroyed.

Crazy hillbillies are hunting us,
just like in Deliverance.

I want to get the fuck out of here.

Come to the forest road,
and we'll pick you up.

There's no need to use swear words.
Help is on its way.

Thank you and goodbye.
- Bye.

Did someone call for a rescue party?

He's zigzagging.

It's no use.

Kurre?
- Kurre! Over here!

Kom here!
- Great, Kurre!

Open this door.
- Get pliers.

Shut up! You're going to wake them.
- Kurre!

Kurre?
- Are you leaving?

Shut up! You're going to wake
the catapult guy up.

This bike has no chain.

Donkey KN“?-!

Kurre!
- Help us!

Kurre!
- Fuck of-f!

Hey, he's Excalibur.

The action man. Come.

Get away! Not you!

I'm going to make it. I'm a star.

Let's watch all the Exralibur films.
Metusalem, bring us some mead.

Mead!
- Mead!

Mead!
- Mead.

What kind of mead?
- Strong mead.

What are we going to watch next?
- Part II.

But we just watched it.
- We're watching it again.

You can fly.
- No, not really.

Have a fish.
- It's a stuntman.

You have flown a spaceship.
-Have you seen trolls or orcs?

What?
- Trolls and orcs.

Can you do anything?
Do you know how to fence?

As a matter of fact,
I know how to fence.

You need to know
how to hold a sword.

I see.

Metusalem goes mental
when he grabs a sword.

He's unbeatable.
- He punctured Jeremias' eye.

I recommend a turtle defence,
but I'm afraid it won't save you.

Nothing will save you.
-Break a leg!

Let the tournament begin.

He'd probably need a stuntman.
That's good!

That hit left his head spinning
and ears ringing.

Great!

That was a cowardly move.
A kick in the nuts from behind.

His nuts can't take such punishment.

Watch out!
- He's behind you!

Hit him!

Done.
- He's dead.

Thomas is dead.
They killed Thomas!

They'll kill us all.
They're going to lynkka us.

Shit! We're all going to db'.

I didn't want to go
on a hunting trip!

Quit your whining!
-Shut up!

Listen to them.
- Let's rut this off first.

Then we'll stick the knife
into the rectum.

We'll stick the knife deep inside
and slice open the belly.

Like this. And have to be careful
not to burst the gall bladder.

What is that white slime?
- This is a male.

A man.
- It's spunk.

Yes, it's semen.

Give these to the cat.

Vim“.
-Then cut off the head.

They're going to eat us.
They're cannibals.

What about the eyes and the brain?
- This has no brains.

It's time to take you inside.
- Everything's ready.

Everything.
- Forgive me.

You have nothing to fear.
- I love you guys.

Excalibur woke up.

He's a nice guy.

Give me some fish.
Take off your hat.

Korhonen... he's alive.

I have to say
that violence is golden.

Daddy! There are japaneses
in our garden.

It's a Lexus.

What the hell? Where am I?

More violence.

Kurre, I have a horrible hangover.
I need something to drink.

There's some mead.
- Guess how much money I have?

How much?
- I don't know.

We spent another night
at the Toukkas' -

drinking strong mead.

We became best of friends.

we're going to remember this lesson
for the rest of our lives.

Respect your neighbour.
All men are equally worthy.

Wash your hands before meals
and finish your plate.

No singing at the dinner table.

Yes, but I've told you that there
won't be more Excalibur films.

Silence. Rolling.

And action.
- Raspberry fool is a tricky dish.

But you can also use other berries.

Add some sugar.

I'm using potato flour -

but if you can't eat it,
you can use just about anything.

Arvo? Is that you, Arvo Hakala?

Slop Bucket.

How did you get out alive?

There was a cellar
under the floorboards.

Good to hear.

It all worked out in the end.

Last one in the lake is a rotten egg!

Damn, I forgot to take off my watch.

Subtitles: Janne Mökkönen
Broadcast Text International