Original subtitles

>> Hey, There...

Hot Stuff.

If I Could Rearrange The

Alphabet, I Would Put "I" And

"U" Together.

Yeah?

Hello.

Are You Taking Any Applications

For A Boyfriend?

A-Are You A Parking Ticket?

What?

You -- 'Cause -- 'Cause You

Got -- You Got "Fine" Written

All Over You.

Oh. That's Okay.

Oh. That's Okay.

A-Are You Sunburned, Or Are

You -- Are You Always This Hot?

Tsss!

Oh. This One's Good.

I Wish You Were A Dsl So I Could

Have High-Speed Access.

Yeah. Thought Of That One.

All Right.

>> All: D-R-A-G-O-N-S!

Go, Dragons, Go!

Whoo!

>> Okay, Now, That Was

Unnecessary.

Hey. Dirt Girl.

See That Trash?

You Need To Pick It Up.

>> Do You Believe In Love

At First Sight...

...Or Should I Just Walk By

Again?

Is There An Airport Nearby, Or

Is That Just My Heart Taking

Off?

Are You From Tennessee?

Because You're The Only Ten

That I See.

>> Ugh.

>> Do You Have A Raisin?

No?

How 'Bout A Date?

Your Name Must Be Lucky Charms,

Because You Are Magically

Delicious.

I Do Like Lucky Charms.

I-I Really Hope You Have A

License, Because You're Driving

Me Crazy.

Oh! Oh!Y.

Did You Fart?

Because You Blow Me Away.

Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

>> Hey!

Out Of The Way, Dork Face.

And Have My Friggin' Homework

Done By Second Period.

Peace.

>> She's The Most Hottest Babe

In Our Class.

>> She Has Been Since The Eighth

Grade.

>> She's Hotter Than The Center

Of The Most Glorious Firework

Exploding In The 4TH Of July

Night Sky.

>> Come Find Me.

Yo!

>> Look, Dude, Clark's Gone.

Now's The Perfect Time To Talk

To Her.

>> Are You Crazy?

He'll Smash Me.

>> Look, Now's Your Chance.

You Can Do It.

Carrie!

>> What?

>> I'm Payton.

I've Always Been A Dork.

I've Always Been More

Interested In Comic Books Than

In Sports.

And Despite How Hard My Dad

Tried To Make Me One, I've

Never Been A Jock.

Ow. Ow.

My Comic Book Starts Here.

See That Handsome Devil?

Yeah, That's Me.

And Next To Me, That's The Girl

I'm Gonna Marry Someday --

Carrie Smith.

She Was Perfect --

The Mary Jane To My Spider-Man,

The Lois Lane To My Clark Kent,

The Princess To My Mario.

Of Course, There's Always

Something In The Way, Some

Thing Called Clark Hayes.

He Was Bigger Than Me And

Better-Looking Than Me -- In

The Traditional, Handsome Sort

Of Way, If You're Into That.

If I'm Gonna Defeat Him And

Make Senior Year Different Than

Every Other Year, I'm Gonna

Have To Become A Superhero.

I Need The Amazing, Incredible,

Extraordinary Power To...

Talk To Her.

Your Hair!

>> My Hair?

>> Your Light Looks Very

Beautiful In That Hair.

>> What?

>> No.

That's Really Wrong.

Y-Your Hair Is, Uh...

Oh.

Here We Go Again.

It's Like Every Year, He

Forgets I'm A Cheerleader.

>> Ew. Gross.

>> He's Been Trying To Get Into

My Panties Since They Were

Diapers.

Can't He See The Uniform That I

Wear Every Day?

It Means "Keep Off."

Unless You're A Jock Or

Iron Man.

He's So Hot.

>> No! Wait! Carrie!

That's... Not What I Meant.

>> Oh!

>> You...

You Are Not Gonna Ruin Senior

Year For Me!

>> Five Minutes In, And I've

Already Managed To Screw Things

Up!

>> Cupcakes Were My Surefire Way

To Win Over The Teachers.

Operation Brownnose Is A Fail!

>> Good Cupcakes, Though.

>> Chocolate -- My Favorite.

>> W-Where'd You --

>> Mm.

>> Did Y-- Did You Just Get

That...?

>> What?

>> Come On.

>> Where's That Nerd Girl With

My Cupcake?

Hello?

>> All Right, Boys, Come On.

Shake A Leg. Let's Go.

Payton, Come On. Get Dressed.

Wrestling Starts Today.

>> I Don't Think That's A Good

Idea.

What Now, Payton?

>> Every Time We Wrestle In Gym

Class, I Get A Bloody Nose.

>> I Think You're Exaggerating,

Payton.

>> No. No, I'm Not.

I Keep Track Of It In My

Journal.

>> Journal?

>> No One Keeps A Journal.

>> Let's Go.

Come On. Come On.

In The Office.

In The Office. Let's Go.

Come On! Get Ready!

Son, Son, Son.

>> Dad... Dad... Dad.

>> Payton, What Have I Always

Said?

Men Don't...

>> Cry, Pee Sitting Down, Ask

For Directions, Talk About Your

Feelings, Talk About Your

Weight, Shave Your Pubic Hair,

Drive A Miata, Cuddle After Sex,

Own A Pug, Wear Pink, Think The

Packers Are A Real Team, Listen

To Show Tunes, And...

Wipe More Than Once.

Done.

>> Men... Don't Talk About

Journals...

AROUND OTHER MEN.

>> No, You Never Told Me That.

>> It's Understood!

You Don't Have To Say It!

It's Implied!

Come On.

Get Dressed For Wrestling.

Let's Go.

>> Dad.

Bloody Nose.

>> Son, What's The Worst That

Can Happen?

>> Okay, The Bloody Nose Is A

Given, But Then I Lose So Much

Blood That I Pass Out.

I Miss A Pop Quiz In Math Class

And End Up Failing Because Of

It, And My Dreams Of Going To

College Are Forever Ruined.

So I Work At A Gas Station, But

They Won't Let Me Run The

Register Because They Know That

I Failed Math Class, So They

Put Me On A Night Shift, And A

Crazed Drug Addict Attempts To

Rob Me This One Night To Feed

His Heroin Addiction, But Since

I Can't Work The Cash Register,

He Shoots Me And He Kills Me

Dead.

>> See?

You Didn't Pass Out.

>> Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

>> Okay, Girls.

From The Top.

Ready?

>> Together: Okay!

Whoo!

>> Let's Go!

>> In The Center Of A

Paramecium, That Is Where All

The Eating Takes Place.

All Right.

That's Biology For Today.

Don't Forget Pages 49 Through

57.

Where Do You Think You're Going,

Payton?

>> Do You Need To Talk To Me?

>> I Was Worried About You,

Payton.

You Seemed... Distracted In Class

Today.

Is It Because Your Dad Has A New

Girlfriend?

My Dad Has A New Girlfriend?

>> Mm-Mnh-Mm.

Word Around The Water Cooler Was

That He Had A Date.

>> I Don't Know What You're

Talking About.

>> There's No One Special In His

Life?

He Would Tell You If There Was

Something Serious Going On,

Wouldn't He?

>> Yeah, I Don't Know.

>> So, There's Nobody New In His

Life?

>> I Don't Know.

>> So You Don't Know.

You Don't Know.

What Do You Know?

>> My Dad Only Has Room For Me,

Gale, And Ditka.

>> Ditka.

Is That That Ukrainian

Supermodel?

>> No!

No, It's The Former Head Coach

Of The Bears.

>> Oh!

Ditka.

Right.

Okay.

Well...

That Will Be All.

>> Okay.

Ditka.

>> Wow. Good Reviews.

Okay, Coach.

>> You Can Learn A Lot From

Watching Football.

Amen.

>> And Parenting, That's A Lot

Like Coaching.

>> Don't I Know It.

>> Now, I Know Two Things For

Certain -- Life Is Hard And

It's Not Always Fair, But It

Beats The Hell Out Of The

Alternative.

You've Got To Get Your Son In

The Game, You Got To Get Him

Motivated, And You Got To Get

Him To Finish.

>> I Can Do That, Coach.

>> Maybe Your Son's A Dork.

Maybe He's A Little Bit More

Into Comic Books Than He Is

Girls.

>> It's Like You're Looking Into

My Very Soul, Coach.

>> You Can Still Guide Them To

Be The Best Dork They Can Be.

Now, Go Out There And Give Him

Hell.

And Remember -- Go, Bears!

>> Go, Bears!

Go, Bears.

>> Oh. Looking At Porn, Dork?

>> What Do You Want, Clark?

>> To Kick Your Ass.

What Else?

Boo!

Actually, I Need Your Help.

>> I'm Already Doing Your Math

Homework And Your Biology Essay.

>> This Is Different.

This Is Important, Okay?

I Need You To Teach Me

Everything You Know About...

Comic Books.

>> Why?

>> Y-You Don't Need To Know

About That.

>> Okay, Fine.

Meet After School At The

Comic-Book Shop.

I'll Have To Bring Carrie.

>> ♪ I'm All About The Sexy ♪

♪ Ah, Yeah ♪

♪ Uh, Uh ♪

♪ Ah, Yeah ♪

♪ I'm All About The Sexy ♪

♪ Ah, Yeah ♪

>> Come Closer, Payton.

>> Well, I Mean... I Guess I-If

You L-- If You Have To Bring

Her, Then, You Know, I Guess...

I Guess It's All Right.

>> And She Can't Find Out About

This.

>> I Guess You Could Tell Her

The School's Cracking Down On

Cheating And I Have To Pass You

Your Homework Inside Comic

Books.

>> What -- And She'll Believe

That?

>> If You Tell Her It Was My

Idea, She Will.

Cool. All Right.

Dorks.

>> Who Would You Rather Do?

>> Oh, My Favorite Game.

>> An Adam Hughes Girl Or A

Dave Stevens Girl?

>> Oh, Well, I'm Surprised By

The Question.

>> Because Why?

>> Well, Because I Thought It

Was Going To Be This Super

Heroine Or That Super Heroine.

>> My Question Is Tres Crafty.

>> I Think The Stevens Women Are

A Bit More Subtle.

You Know, Like, I Want To Marry

A Stevens Girl.

>> Well, Then You're A Fool,

Payton.

I Would Make Sweet Love To An

Adam Hughes Drawing.

I Mean, Not Even One Come To

Life -- I Mean The Actual

Drawing.

>> Hmm.

Don't Worry.

You Know I Always Use

Protection.

>> This Girl Razor Is...

Quite Fetching.

Be Gentle.

I'm Still Mint.

>> Now You've Done It.

>> Oh, No.

Ollie, I'm Sorry.

I Know You Have Dibs On Razor.

>> And You Say That You're My

Friend?

>> No Hard Feelings.

I'll Give You My Claim To

Night Nurse.

>> Not Good Enough!

>> Uh, Excuse Me, Sir.

Is This Where One Might Find

Information On... Comic Books?

>> Oh, Hey, Clark.

Nice Jacket.

Oh, Wow.

It's Carrie In A Comic-Book

Shop?

Could My Day Be Any More

Awesome?

>> Oh, God. He's Looking At Me.

I Got To Get Him To Stop

Drooling All Over Me.

>> Hey, Carrie.

Hey, Carrie.

Hey, Carrie.

>> Hey, Man, Nobody Knows We're

Here, Right?

>> Have You Ever Danced With The

Devil By The Pale Moonlight?

>> What Is That, Comic-Book

Lingo?

'Cause I Never Read Any.

>> He's Making Fun Of You,

Dumb Ass.

>> Here.

These Are Good To Start With.

>> "Spider-Man"?

Saw The Movie.

Don't Need To Read This One.

>> Actually, The Comic Book Is

Completely Different From The

Movie.

>> Whatever. Let's Go.

>> Hi, Payton.

Have You Ever Checked Out

"Li'l Depressed Boy"?

It's My Favorite Webcomic

Series.

It's About A Shy Guy Who Has A

Hard Time Talking To Girls.

>> Webcomics Are For People Who

Can't Get Dates.

>> All Comics Are For People Who

Can't Get Dates.

>> I Bet Payton Could Get A

Date.

Uh, The Entire Romero Saga Is

Playing At The Tivoli This

Weekend --

"Night Of The Living Dead,"

"Dawn Of The Dead,"

"Day Of The Dead,"

"Land Of The Dead," And

"Diary Of The Dead."

That's A Lot Of Hot Zombie

Action.

>> Well, I Don't Know Anyone Who

Wants To Go, And I Don't Want To

Go Alone.

>> Really?

Because I Also Want To Go, And I

Don't Have Anyone To Go With.

>> That Sucks.

I Guess We'll Both Miss It.

Hey, Carrie, Do You Like

Zombies?

What A Dork.

Hey! They're A Perfect Pair!

This Is Just Like Newton's

First Law -- An Object At Rest

Will Stay At Rest, And An

Object In Motion Will Not

Change Its Velocity Unless An

Unbalanced Force Acts Upon

Them.

So If Payton Is The Object At

Rest And Samantha Is The Object

In Motion And I'm The

Unbalanced Force, Then All I

Have To Do Is To Get Them

Traveling Toward Each Other And

Then Collide, And Then Presto!

Dork Love.

And Payton -- Well, Payton

Leaves Me Alone.

>> Go, Bears!

>> That's My Girl.

>> You Should Probably Teach Her

How To Say Other Things At Some

Point.

>> Oh, Come On.

She Knows Other Stuff.

You Know She Actually Speaks At

A Right-Tackle Level?

Come On.

Watch The Game, Or I'll Make You

Run Laps.

Okay.

Okay, Okay. Catch It.

Catch It.

Catch It!

Yes!

>> Run That Shit!

>> Gale!

>> What?

>> Dad!

>> What?

>> Gale Just Said "Shit"!

>> While Watching A Game.

>> She's 6!

>> Oh, Come On.

She's Not Too Young To Learn How

To Properly Watch Football.

>> This Is Why She Needs A Woman

Figure In Her Life.

>> Come On.

You Did Okay Without One.

>> Great. Thanks.

>> What?

I Didn't Mean Anything.

Okay, Let's Watch That Catch

Again.

You See That?

>> Mm-Hmm.

>> See The Quarterback In The

Pocket?

>> Mm-Hmm.

>> You See All That Protection

Around Him?

>> Uh-Huh.

>> You Know What That's Called?

>> Good Shit.

>> Good Shit.

>> Okay, First Step In My Master

Plan -- Find Payton.

I'm Gonna Have To Be Nice To

Him If This Is Gonna Work.

You're Paranoid.

You Like Dark, Hidden Places

Where You Know You'll Be Alone,

Where No One Can Torment Or

Torture You.

>> What Are You, A

Psychotherapist?

Ow!

>> I Saw It On "Dr. Phil."

He Did This Whole Thing On It

Last Thursday.

>> Pfft!

I'm Not Paranoid, Okay?

I Just Like It Here.

>> You're Paranoid When It Comes

To Girls.

That's For Sure.

>> What?

>> You're Too Scared To Ask A

Girl Out Who's Standing Right In

Front Of You, Begging To Be

Asked.

>> What Are You Trying To Say?

>> ♪ Come Here, Baby, Ah ♪

♪ Come Here, Baby, Ah ♪

♪ Come Here, Baby, Ah ♪

Samantha's Sweet, Nice.

Most Importantly, She's Into

You.

>> Samantha?

H-Hi, Payton. Hi.

Hey, Payton. Hi.

Hi, Payton.

>> You Don't Want To Go Out With

Her.

>> Don't Listen To Him.

She's A Great Catch For A Guy

Like You.

>> Girls Aren't Interested In

Me.

They Just Want To Be My Friend.

>> Hey, Do You Have Any "Batman"

Or "Superman" Books?

I Want Some Of Those.

>> Look, It's No Big Deal If

You're Too Scared To Ask A Girl

Out.

>> What, Did Dr. Phil Also Do A

Show On Reverse Psychology?

>> Last Monday. Why?

>> I'm Not Gonna Ask Her Out,

Okay?

>> Good Call.

She's Got No Tits And A Big Ass.

It's The Worst Combination.

>> Seriously -- You Got To Ask

Her Out.

What's The Worst That Could

Happen?

>> Well, She And All Her Friends

Could Laugh At Me In The

Hallway In Front Of The Whole

School, Scarring Me For Life,

Destroying My Self-Esteem To

The Point Where I Have No Nerve

To Ask Another Girl Out As Long

As I Live, And I Become A

Miserable, Lonely Old Man Who

Dies Alone, Completely Unloved.

>> This Is Gonna Be Harder Than

I Thought.

Come On.

>> Bronko.

>> Hi.

>> Hey.

Great, Um, Great Bears Game

Last Sunday, Huh?

>> Oh, Yeah, Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, Except In The Third

Quarter, When They Were Up

Against A Cover 2 Zone.

They Tried To Run A Tackle Left.

>> Oh.

>> Are You Kidding Me?!

Everybody Knows When You're In

That Situation, You Run A Post

Pattern For An Easy Touchdown

There, Right?

>> Right. Yeah.

>> Right?!

>> Yeah, Right.

That's Crazy.

>> Crazy.

>> I Mean, In A Cover 2 Zone

Situation, Everybody Knows You

Got To Run A Post Pattern.

>> Even You Know!

>> I Know That, And I'm Not Even

A Coach!

>> I Know.

Kills Me.

>> Yeah.

Hey, You Know, I Was Looking For

A Good Place To Watch The Game

This Sunday, And I Was

Wondering -- Do You Know Any

Good Places, Any...

Recommendations?

I, Uh...

Well, Uh...

Not Really.

>> Stay On The Pavement, Fellas.

Yeah, You Heard Me, Smirk Face.

>> Took Me All Night.

>> Wow.

>> Nice Balls.

>> Dude, They Got You Again.

>> "Let Me Teach You A Few

Things About Girls."

You Know That Line In "Hamlet,"

"To Thine Ownself Be True"?

Lesson 1 -- Don't Do That.

Lesson 2 -- Compliments Are

Good.

Over-Complimenting Shows

Desperation.

Women Sense Desperation Like

Dogs Sense Fear.

>> Or Food.

>> I'm Not Sure Which.

Lesson 3 -- Really Don't Be

Yourself.

Can't Stress This Enough.

>> Carrie's Shirt Is Way

Boobalicious.

No, Seriously.

Way Boobalicious.

>> Boobalicious?

Really?

She's A Person With Feelings,

You Know.

>> I'd Love To Be Feeling All Up

In Her And Shit.

Don't Hate The Playa,

Home-Diggity.

>> Rolling Hills Dragons Rule,

Baby!

Waaahooooow!

>> Lesson 4 -- Pay No Attention

To Clark.

Pay Attention To Things Like...

Her Nail Polish.

Girls Like When You Notice That

Sort Of Thing.

And Lesson 5 -- Possibly The

Most Important Lesson You'll

Get From Me.

Always Tell Hot Girls They're

Smart And Smart Girls They're

Hot.

>> Okay.

>> Payton.

>> Payton.

>> This One Is So Good.

>> What You Guys Watching?

>> Football.

>> But It's Wednesday.

They Don't Have Football On

Wednesday.

>> Oh, Yeah.

Uh, This Is One From The, Uh,

'85 Season.

>> Super Bowl Game?

>> No.

>> Championship Game?

>> No.

Look -- The Fog Bowl.

Fog Just Came In.

It Looks Like They're Playing On

Mount Olympus.

>> You Need Help, Dad.

>> Well, I Think It's Important

That Gale Has A Sense Of

History.

>> Go, Bears!

>> That's My Girl.

Hey, You Know, You Could Sit

Down And Watch With Us, You

Know, Like A Family.

>> Families Do More Than Just

Watch Football Together.

It Wasn't Like This Before Mom

Died.

>> Okay.

Just Don't Say Her Name.

>> I Didn't Mention Her Name.

I Said "Mom."

Why Can't We Talk About Her?

You Know -- You Know, Parenting

Is More Than Just Learning About

Football.

>> You Know What?

You Can Learn A Lot Watching

Football.

Like Mike Ditka Says, "If Things

Came Easy, Then Everybody Would

Be Good At What They Did."

>> Okay, Dad.

>> All Right.

And We Watch...

Movies, You Know?

>> Right.

Because "Snakes On A Plane" Is

Appropriate For A 6-Year-Old.

>> Stay Black!

S-Stay Black.

>> Easy.

>> See?

I'm Gonna Be In My Room.

>> All Right.

Fine.

>> It Was Clear I Could Not Go

To My Dad About This Kind Of

Thing, But It's Okay, Because

Most Superheroes' Dads Are Dead

Anyway.

If I Use My Superpowers To Get

Samantha To Like Me, Then

She'll Go On A Date With Me,

And I'll Use My Mind Control To

Tell Carrie That Clark's In

Trouble, And She'll Come

Rushing To His Rescue, But

She'll Get Trapped In That

Alley On Fourth And Western

Where The Bums Beat Up

Cheerleaders, And I'll Come

Flying In And Save Her By Using

Samantha As A Shield.

Carrie Will Fall Madly In Love

With Me And Go To The Halloween

Dance With Me.

Then We'll Get Married And Have

Superbabies That All Have My

Awesome Powers And Use Them

Mostly For Good.

And We'll Be The Ultimate

Crime-Fighting Family!

>> Did You See Their Uniforms?

Ah!

They Were Gorgeous.

Brilliant Cut, Brilliant Design,

And So Little Color Choices To

Choose From.

Sure, The Nazis Were Jackbooted

Thugs Who Wanted To Take Over

The World, But, Well...

They Looked Fabulous Doing It.

>> Thank You, Ollie And Carrie.

Interesting Angle, But Very Well

Argued.

It's A Close Call, But I Think

I'm Going To Have To Award It

To...

Carrie.

>> Oh!

>> You Pick The Next Pair.

>> Okay.

How About Payton And...

Samantha?

>> Payton And Samantha, Will You

Please Step Up To The Podium?

Your Topic Is...

Baby-Seal Hunting.

Payton For, And Samantha

Against.

>> Well, Most People Would Argue

That Baby-Seal Hunters Need To

Make A Living, But My Argument

Is Much More Basic.

Have You Ever Seen A Baby Seal's

Face?

They Just Have This Expression

That Says...

"Beat Me.

Club Me.

Smash My Brains In.

Please."

I Mean, They're

Practically Begging For A

Clubbing.

>> Payton, Has Anyone Ever Told

You You Look Exactly Like A Baby

Seal?

>> Thank You, Payton And

Samantha.

We'll Finish It Later.

All Right, Kids.

Walk, Don't Run.

>> I Love Your Nail Polish.

>> I'm Not Wearing Any.

Uh, Look, I'm -- I'm Sorry About

That Burn.

It Was The First Thing That Came

Into My Mind.

To Be Honest, You Don't Really

Look Like A Baby Seal.

Although, You're Both Pretty

Cute.

>> Uh, So...

>> So...

>> I, Um...

I Had Something Pretty Important

That I Need To Ask You,

Samantha.

>> Yeah?

>> Uh, So...

>> Yeah, Payton?

>> Do You Like The New

Rob Zombie Flick?

I Thought It Was Pretty Good.

>> I'll Talk To You Later,

Payton.

>> Payton, Have You Finished

That Extra-Credit Family History

I Asked For?

>> Oh. Yeah.

Mm.

Here.

Although, I'm Not Really Sure

Why The School Needs To Know

That My Dad Loves Piña Coladas

But Doesn't Like Getting Caught

In The Rain.

>> Oh.

Boxer Briefs.

Surprising Choice, But

Impressive.

>> Can I Have My Phone?

I Tried Asking Her Out.

>> If You Don't Ask Her Out By

Tomorrow, You're A Lost Cause,

And I Don't Work With Lost

Causes.

>> Tomorrow?

I Know Exactly What's Gonna

Happen.

Hello, Samantha.

Just Wondering If You Wanted To

Rock The Hizzy With

Tickle Attack.

That's My Guitar Hero Cover Band

With Ollie And Chester.

I'll Text Her -- Later Tonight.

>> Wow!

You're So Romantic.

>> Oh.

Well, I Mean...

>> Call Her.

>> On The Phone?

>> Yes!

>> Hey, Carrie.

>> What's Up, Girls?

>> Ohhh!

Were You Two Up Here Making Out?

>> Yes.

>> Nice.

>> Are You Gonna Have Babies?

>> What Are You Guys Doing Here?

>> Oh, We're Hiding From...

Ollie.

>> Hey, Girl. What's Up?

Hey, Girl.

Hey, Girl.

Hey, Girl.

>> In The Library?

Bad Plan.

>> Oh, My God.

Is This A Library?

>> Y-You're Probably Right.

We Should Go. We Should Go.

>> Definitely Go.

>> Let's Go.

>> Gross.

>> Okay, So, I Ran The Numbers,

And I Think It's A Better Use Of

My Time --

Oh!

>> I Totally Forgot --

I'm Loving The Top, Girl!

>> Thanks.

>> Mm-Hmm!

>> Thanks. See Ya.

>> Okay. Bye.

>> Bye.

Okay.

So, You're Going To Call Her,

Right?

>> Well, Actually, I've Kind Of

Been Working On These Pretty

Excellent Pickup Lines.

>> No Pickup Lines -- Ever.

>> But They're Really, Really

Good.

>> Don't You Realize Any Girl

With Half A Brain Hates Pickup

Lines?

>> Just -- Just Pretend That

You're Samantha, Okay?

Yeah, Carrie.

Pretend You Have Donkitis And No

Tits.

Hey. Hey.

>> Hey, Baby.

>> Please Don't.

>> Is Your Name Gillette?

>> I Don't Want To Know.

>> Because You Are The Best A

Man Can Get.

Oh, Hey, Carrie.

Are You An Architect?

Because You Seem To Make Every

Room You're In...

Beautiful.

>> I Have One.

Do Your Pants Have Mirrors On

Them?

Because I Can Totally See Myself

In Them.

>> You Want To

Wear Her Pants?

>> Right?

>> Forget The Pickup Lines.

Pick Up A Phone And Just Call

Her And Ask Her Out.

She'll Say Yes. I Promise.

>> Okay.

>> Okay.

>> Okay, Thanks.

>> Why Is She Helping Him?

Maybe It's Because Payton's

Helping Me With Comics.

If She's Helping Him Because

He's Helping Me, Then It's Like

We're On The Same Team, And I

Should Be Helping Somebody...?

You Know, Next Time Grandma

Gets Out Of Her Car, I'm Gonna

Open The Door For Her.

>> You Stupid Boy!

>> Ow!

>> When Mrs. Hooper's Blind Ass

Trips, I'll Stop Laughing

Sooner.

Or When Coach Bronko Has Us Run

Laps, I'll Slow Down So

Everyone Else Doesn't Look Like

Such Dorks.

>> Hey.

>> Oh, Hey, Babe.

>> So, Did You Want To Hit The

Galleria And Then Maybe Go To

Ted Drewes For Some Frozen

Custard?

>> Actually, I Got This Thing To

Do.

>> What Thing?

>> Uh, It's For A Girl.

>> What Girl?

>> Um, No, You Don't Know Her.

She's In College.

>> Well What Are You

Doing With This College Girl?

>> Oh, Just Lifting Stuff...

For Her.

She's Not Hot At All.

Neh.

You're Fine With It, Right?

>> Totally Fine.

>> Thanks, Babe.

I'll See Ya.

>> Have Fun Lifting Stuff.

With Your Not-Hot College Girl.

>> Let's... Call.

Yeah.

Ehh... Well, So, I'll Text Her.

>> Call Her.

>> Can't I Just Text Her?

Please?

Grow A Pair.

>> I'm Better At Writing Than

Talking.

>> Don't Text Me Until You've

Called And Asked Her Out.

>> Hi, IT'S Sam.

Unless YOU'RE STUPID, YOU KNOW

WHAT TO DO.

>> Hi, Samantha.

Um, So, I-I'm Sorry If I'm

Bugging You.

I Just -- I --

Well, The Reason That I'm

Actually Calling Is -- Is That

I-I Wanted To Ask, Um --

This Probably Sounds Crazy.

Mm. This Is --

I-I Don't -- I -- I-If You're

Busy, That's Fine.

I-It's Fine If You're -- If

You're Busy.

Oh, I Wanted To That If Maybe

You Wanted To Really Just Do

The --

>> You HAVE REACHED YOUR MESSAGE

LIMIT.

Goodbye.

>> Okay.

Yeah.

>> I Would Love To Go Out With

You.

Colon, Dash, Parenthesis.

>> Really!

>> You Want To Go...

I Have A Date.

Not With Carrie, But...

But Still A Date.

Whoo-Hoo!

Yes!

Thank You.

Thank You.

Gale, Where's Dad?

>> Stay Black!

>> Dad.

Can I Borrow The Car Friday

Night?

>> Why?

>> I... Have A Date.

>> With A Girl?

>> Yes, With A Girl.

>> Okay, Good.

All Right.

You Can Drive Brunella.

>> Oh.

Dad. Dad.

First Date Here, Okay?

Can't Ruin My Reputation By

Showing Up In Brunella.

>> Name One Thing Wrong With

Brunella.

>> One Thing?

The Taillight Is Held On By

Duct Tape.

The Passenger Seat Belt Is Duct

Tape.

I'm Pretty Sure The Only Thing

That Keeps The Car Together Is

The Rust.

The Rust And The Duct Tape.

>> Son, That Is What We Call

"Character."

>> Look, Do You Want This Girl

To Go Out With You Because

You're Driving A Nice Car Or'

'Cause Of What You Got Inside?

>> Dad, First Date Here.

>> Well, Wh-- What Is Wrong With

Driving Brunella?

What's The Worst That Can

Happen?

>> Actually, The Worst Thing

That Could Happen Would Be If A

Truck Driver Driving

Cross-Country Finds Out That

The Woman That He Was In Love

With On The Internet Was

Actually Just A Pimply Faced

16-Year-Old Boy.

So He Loads Up On A Mixture Of

Nodoz And Jack Daniel's, Which

Causes Him To Temporarily Lose

Control Of His Big Rig,

Swerving Into My Lane, And,

Because Brunella Doesn't Have

Automatic Steering, Forcing Me

Into The Guardrail, Then

Through It, Then Down A Cliff

As We Tumble End Over End Until

It Lands Upside Down, Crushing

Us, Catching Fire, And We

Slowly Burn And Bleed To Death

At The Same Time.

>> All Right, Look -- If A Girl

Will Date You Driving Brunella,

She's A Keeper.

>> Dad, Please?

>> You Know What?

You're Never A Loser Till You

Quit Trying.

>> What?!

>> Mike Ditka.

>> What You Up To?

>> Geez!

Nothing.

Why Would I Be Up To Something?

It's Not Like I Have Anything To

Hide From You.

>> So, How Did Lifting Go With

That College Girl?

>> What?

>> You Know, That College Girl

That You Had To Lift Stuff For.

>> Oh. Yeah, That.

Um...

Yeah, It Went Okay.

Actually, It Went So Well, She

Wants Me To Lift Stuff For Her

A Couple Times A Week.

>> She Does, Does She?

>> I Guess We're Both Lucky To

Have Such A Strong Man In Our

Lives.

>> Totally.

>> So, What's This Lucky Girl's

Name?

>> Andy.

>> And Where Does Andy Go To

School?

>> College. Duh.

>> What's She Studying?

>> Books, Mostly.

>> Great.

Well, I'll Have To Meet Her

Sometime.

>> Ohhh, Uh...

I'm Sorry.

I-I Mean, No.

You Two Won't Get Along.

She'd Be Way Too Jealous Of

Your...

...Beauty And... Stuff.

>> Well, I Wouldn't Want To Make

Her Jealous.

Maybe You And I Should Stop

Seeing Each Other Till, You

Know, You're Done Lifting Stuff.

>> Hey, Hey.

Don't Be Silly.

We're Just Friends.

>> Okay.

>> Oh, Look.

It's The Rolling Hill Retards!

>> Boo!

>> Dude!

>> That Never Gets Old!

>> Ugh!

>> Apparently, Neither Do They.

>> So, Looks Like Your Little

Dr. Phil Theories About Me Were

Wrong, Because I Asked Samantha

Out, And She Said Yes.

>> See?

I Knew You Had It In You.

With Some Prodding.

>> Why Didn't You Tell Me They

Killed Robin?

>> Clark, This Is A Really Big

Moment.

Payton's About To Go On His

First Date.

>> What Makes You Think It's My

First?

>> It's Nothing To Be

Embarrassed About.

You're Just A Late Bloomer,

That's All.

But I Am So Proud Of You.

>> How Could They Kill Robin?

>> They Killed Off The Second

Robin, Okay?

The Jason Todd Robin.

But He Was A Jerk, And The Joker

Caught Him Anyway.

They Left It Up To The Fans

Whether They Wanted Him To Live

Or Die, And They All Said, "Get

Rid Of Him."

But It's Okay, Because

Superboy-Prime Can Punch People

Back Alive.

>> It's Just Wrong.

It's Unamerican.

I Mean, It's Always Been Batman

And Robin, Montana And Rice, Or

Bert And Ernie.

>> Anyway...

So, Where Are You Taking Her?

>> Uh, My Dad Recommended This

Place.

He Took My Mom There On Their

First Date.

>> That Is So Romantic.

So Much More Romantic Than Where

We Went On Our First Date.

>> What?

Under The Bleachers After School

Wasn't Romantic?

>> No.

>> It Was For Me.

>> Okay, This Is Very Important.

Always Open The Door For Her,

Especially When Getting In The

Car.

Go Around To Her Side First,

Open The Door, Let Her In, Then

Close The Door, Go Back Around

To Your Side.

It's Very Gentlemanlike.

>> And That Way, You Get A Good

Look At Her Ass When She Sits

Down.

>> You'll Know She Really Likes

You If She Gives You...

A Reach-Over.

>> A Reach-Over?

>> It's When She Reaches Over

And Unlocks The Door Before You

Get There.

At Dinner, Find Out What She

Wants, And Then Order It For

Her.

Compliment Her On Her Outfit.

And Her Hair.

Or Her Shoes.

Ah!

Girls Love It When You Notice

Their Shoes.

You Want To Be Strong, But

Sensitive...

Mysterious...

Informative...

Interesting...

Removed.

You Want To Impress Her At All

Times.

You Want Everything To Run

Smoothly.

You Want To Be Perfect.

>> You Want To Get To Second

Base!

Any First Date Where You Don't

Is A Failure.

>> Can't I Just Be Myself?

>> Both: No!

>> Uh-Oh.

That Didn't Sound Too Good.

Got To Love Taco Day.

>> Yeah.

Favorite Lunch Day By Far.

>> Only Good Things Can Come

From Taco Day.

At This Point, I Was Thinking I

May Have Eaten One Too Many

Tacos.

Oh!

Stupid Taco Day.

Okay.

Tell Her I Like Her Shoes.

No.

No, Tell Her I Like Her Outfit.

Or Her Hair.

O-Or Her Shoes.

Samantha, You Look --

>> Hey, I'm Not Ready Yet, So,

Uh, Hey, Come In.

Just Relax.

I'll Be Done In Two Minutes.

>> ♪ No More Stress And... ♪

>> Okay.

>> ♪ ...No More Strain ♪

>> Um...

>> ♪ Sitting Back ♪

>> ♪ Happy Jack, Time To Relax ♪

>> Ugh!

>> ♪ Take It Easy, Take It

Slow ♪

>> ♪ Am I Happy? Hmm ♪

♪ Just A Touch ♪

>> ♪ Sitting Back ♪

♪ Happy Jack, Time To Relax ♪

>> Oh.

>> ♪ Going Somewhere, Don't Care

Where ♪

>> Wow.

>> ♪ 'Cause He's Happy To Stay ♪

>> ♪ Till The Journey's End ♪

>> Ugh.

Oh. Sorry To Be Rude.

These Are My Parents, Suzie And

Thomas Gibson.

>> Ohh.

Taco Day, Huh?

>> I'll Be Right Back.

>> Just So You Know, You Have,

Uh, Nothing To Worry About

Tonight.

Your Daughter's In Very Good

Hands.

I Promise To Be A Perfect

Gentleman.

Just Dinner, Movie, Home.

You Know, No -- No Monkey

Business.

>> We Feel Very Safe In Our

Belief That You're Going To Be

An Absolutely Perfect Gentleman

Tonight.

>> And Everything Samantha Has

Told Us About You Says That

You're A Charming, Well-Behaved

Young Man.

>> We Just Wanted You To Know

That.

>> Mm-Hmm.

Okay.

>> I Know Where You Live.

>> Um...

>> I Know Where To Bury A Body.

>> Okay.

I'm Not -- I'm Not One Of Those

"Wham, Bam, Thank You, Ma'am"

Guys.

No, I Keep My Hands To Myself.

I-I Actually Have A Friend --

Well, Not Really A Friend,

But -- But He Thinks A-A First

Date Is A Failure Unless You Get

To Second Base, But I Have No

Plans To Get To Second Base With

Your Daughter.

No.

I Am Not Interested In Her

Breasts At All.

N-N-Not That I Don't Like Them.

I Mean, They're Very Nice --

Small, But Nice, You Know.

Not -- Not The Nicest In School.

I Mean, I Can See Where She Gets

Them.

Not That You Have Small Breasts,

Miss Gibson.

Just Saying That They're...

There, You Know.

So, Chances Are That Samantha

Got Them From You.

Not That Mr. Gibson's Side Of

The Family Doesn't Have Nice

Breasts.

I'm Sure They Do.

They Seem... Nice And...

Small.

You Know, I Actually Prefer

Small Breasts, And I Find Your

Daughter's To Be A Very Fine

Size.

N-Not That I Just Spend All My

Time In School Looking At Them.

I Mean, I Don't Spend All Of

Third Period Staring At Your

Daughter's Breasts, Okay?

So, Just To Be Clear, I Have No

Intention Whatsoever Of Going To

Second Base Tonight With Your

Daughter.

Payton.

>> Yeah?

>> You Can Let Go Of My Breast

Now.

>> I'm Gonna Do That.

>> Okay.

Let's Go.

>> Pleasure Meeting Both Of You.

>> It's Another Thing To Check

Off My List -- Getting Felt Up

By A Date In Front Of My

Parents.

>> I Just Spent The Last Five

Minutes Talking To Your Parents

About Your Breasts.

I Was Actually Telling Them How

Much I Enjoyed Them.

And Then I Grabbed One.

>> You Told My Parents That I

Have Nice Boobs?

>> And Then... I Grabbed One.

I Am So Sorry.

>> No.

You're Super-Cool And Totally

Awesome.

>> Oh.

>> Oh.

>> Oh.

>> Oh, Uh...

No!

>> Oh!

>> Oh, I'm So Sorry!

Are You Okay?

>> I'm Sorry. I'm So Sorry.

Are You --

>> No Big Deal. I'm Fine.

>> I Really Like Your Outfit Or

Your Hair.

>> Thank You...?

>> I'm Just -- I'm Trying To Be

The Perfect Gentleman.

I'm Sorry.

>> You Don't Have To Apologize.

>> Just -- Sorry.

Stop Apologizing.

>> Sorry For Apologizing So

Much.

>> Stop.

>> Yeah.

No -- No More...

Apologizing... Anymore.

Sorry.

Sorry.

>> ♪ I Can't Seem To Look Away ♪

♪ There You Are, I'm In A Daze ♪

♪ Wondering If You Would Ever

Know ♪

♪ In The Street Or In The Hall ♪

♪ With Your Back Flat To The

Wall ♪

♪ Where You Are Is Where I Want

To Go ♪

♪ I Can't Seem To Look Away ♪

♪ There You Are, I'm In A Daze ♪

♪ Wondering If You Would Ever

Know ♪

♪ In The -- ♪

South Price Road.

My Dad Says This Place Has The

Best Meat In Town.

>> Isn't This North Price Road?

>> Come On.

Oh, Yeah.

This Is Gonna Be Good.

Uh, Where's The Hostess?

>> May I Have Your Attention,

Please?

Bring Your Seat Backs To Their

Upright And Locked Position.

Prepare For Takeoff.

Get Ready, Ladies, For The Best

Meat In Town.

>> Ugh!

>> Oh, My... God.

Is That Miss Stewart?

>> Oh, Cool.

>> Ugh!

>> All... Right.

>> Interesting Choice For A

First Date, Payton.

>> Hi, Samantha.

>> Hi.

>> Look, I Can't Begin To Tell

You How Sorry I Am.

I Do Not Enjoy Looking At

Well-Built, Oiled-Up Men With

Sweat Dripping Down Their Nearly

Naked Bodies.

If I'd Known It Had Been Like

That, I Wouldn't Have Taken You

With Me.

Not -- Not That I Would Have

Gone On My Own.

Great.

Now You Think I'm Probably Gay.

>> Did You Say Something After

"Well-Built, Oiled-Up Men"?

Remind Me To Ask Miss Stewart To

Organize Our Next Field Trip.

>> Carrie!

Hi, Carrie.

>> Aren't You On A Date?

>> I Was Under That Impression

Myself.

>> Payton!

Oh, Payton.

>> Hey, Clark.

>> How's The Date?

She Looks Like She Crapped Her

Pants.

>> Those Are Really Nice Shoes.

>> Okay, Knock.

>> But You're Holding My Hand.

Okay, Now Knock.

>> I Don't -- I Don't...

>> Uh...

>> What?

>> Okay, Tell Her I'm Here With

Your Jacket And That You're

Sending Me In.

>> Huh?

This Is What I'm Gonna Do -- I'm

Gonna Go In There With Your

Jacket And I'm Gonna Claim That

It's Your Idea.

When She Comes Out, Tell Her She

Looks Nice, 'Cause She's

Obviously Gonna Be Feeling A

Little Insecure Right Now.

>> Wow.

You're Really Good At This.

Samantha!

Carrie's Gonna Be Coming In With

My Jacket.

>> Oh, Great.

Just Don't Expect Me To Kiss Her

Good Night For You.

After This, You're On Your Own.

>> Hey.

She Gave Me A Reach-Around In

The Car.

>> It's Called A Reach-Over.

A Reach-Around's A Completely

Different Thing.

>> Oh.

Maybe You'll Show Me That Later?

>> No.

>> Women Are Like Any Great

Football Play -- They're Hard

To Read.

So The Key Is To Stay Focused,

And Don't Get Distracted By

Their Footballs, If You Know

What I Mean.

I Know What You Mean, Coach.

>> If You're Talking To A Woman

And You Feel The Urge To Look

At Those Distractions, Just

Look Down At Your Watch And

Regain Focus.

>> Hello, Miss Stewart.

Wait.

No Way Payton's Out This Late.

Okay.

Okay, 10 Minutes To Drive To

Samantha's House...

10 Minutes 'Cause She's Not

Ready Yet...

15 To The Restaurant...

A Hour For Dinner -- No.

Hour And A Half Because Kids Get

Sucky Service...

10 To Drive Samantha Home...

5 Minutes For That Awkward

Moment In The Car...

10 Seconds For The Kiss...

A Minute Of Stalling, Waiting

For The Woody To Go Down, And He

Gets Out Of The Car And Walks

Her To The Door...

Wait.

What If It's A Good Kiss?

What If It's A Couple Kisses?

What If He Gets A Feel?

That Doesn't Add Up.

Ah, Shit!

Time To Call In Special Teams.

>> There You Go. Enjoy.

>> I Took The Initiative Of

Ordering For Both Of Us,

Since... You Were So Busy Talking

To Carrie.

>> Oh, Yeah.

Isn't She Awesome?

>> ♪ Oh, Yeah! ♪

♪ Oh, Baby ♪

♪ Gimme That Sexy ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

>> Yeah.

>> I'm So Hungry.

>> I Ordered Us Both The Same

Thing -- Grilled Patty Melts, My

Favorite.

>> Mmm!

This Is So Good!

I've Never Had This Before.

>> It's The Grilled

Onions.

It Gives It That Kick.

Did -- Did You Just Say

"Onions"?

>> Grilled Onions -- Lots Of

Them.

>> Uh-Oh.

>> What's Wrong?

>> I'm Allergic To Onions.

>> Wow.

>> Uh-Oh.

>> That Must Suck.

I Can't Imagine Not Being Able

To Eat Onions.

I Mean, I Put Them On

Everything.

So, Like, What Happens When You

Eat A Lot?

Do You, Like, Sneeze?

'Cause When I Eat Too Many

Tomatoes, I Sneeze All Day.

>> Ew! Gross!

>> Thanks For Driving.

>> I Have To Admit, That Was The

Most Impressive Display Of

Projectile Vomiting I Have Ever

Seen, Including "The Exorcist,"

And I Have Seen My Share Of

Projectile Vomiting.

I Actually Keep A Journal Of It.

>> You Keep A Journal, Too?

>> No.

>> Oh.

I Just Want To Apologize For

Everything That Happened

Tonight.

>> You Don't Have To Apologize.

>> Yes, I Do.

I'm Sorry For Taking You To A

Male Strip Club...

And Knocking You Over And

Parading You Around The Diner

With A Dirty Butt...

And Vomiting On You...

And Talking About Your Breasts

In Front Of Your Parents.

>> Don't Forget You Copped A

Feel In Front Of Them, Too.

>> They'll Never Forget That.

>> Tonight... Was An Unmitigated

Disaster, But...

Well, Look At It This Way --

Our -- Our Second Date Has To Be

Better, Right?

>> Out Of Gas. Nice Try, Payton.

>> Damn It!

I Think My Dad Reported The Car

Stolen To Lojack Again.

>> Lojack Costs Twice As Much

As This Car's Blue Book Value.

>> We Just Have To Wait Until

The Cops Show Up, And Then

They'll Call It In As Not

Stolen.

>> Perfect Ending To The World's

Worst Date.

What Else Could Go Wrong?

>> Actually, If A Truck Driver

Trying To Make It Cross-Country

Found Out That The Woman He's In

Love With On The Internet Was

Actually A Pimply Faced

16-Year-Old Boy, So He Loads Up

On A Mixture Of Nodoz And

Jack Daniel's, Causing Him To

Temporarily Lose Control Of His

Big Rig, Which Forces Him To

Swerve Into Our Lane, Which

Forces Me To Swerve Into The

Guardrail, Then Through It, Onto

A Cliff As The Car Tumbles End

Over End, Lands Upside Down,

Crushes Us, Catches On Fire, And

We Slowly Bleed And Burn To

Death At The Same Time.

>> Wow.

>> Put Your Hands On The Wheel

And Do Not Move.

>> I Didn't Know You Were

Wanted.

I'm So, So Sorry.

Stop Apologizing.

There's No Way You Could Have

Known, And Besides, It's Just A

Court Appearance.

It's Not My First.

>> You Were Really The One Who

Superglued Mr. Acker's Finger

To His Forehead During Assembly?

That Is So Awesome.

You're Pretty Cool Yourself.

>> Not Tonight I Wasn't.

>> That's What I Like About You.

You're A Dork.

A Loveable Dork.

You're Payton -- Dork!

You Don't Try To Be Cool.

You're Just... You.

That Makes You Cooler Than

Anybody Else.

>> Well, Not As Cool As Clark.

I Mean, He Does Have The Hottest

Babe In The World.

>> I Give Up.

Thank You For The Interesting

Night.

I Will Never Forget It.

>> Okay.

>> Good Night, Payton.

>> Good Night.

Whoa.

That Girl's Intense.

>> I Need Details.

Did You Kiss Her Good Night?

>> Kind Of.

>> Okay, It's A "Did Or Didn't"

Situation.

It's Like You Can't Be Kind Of

Pregnant.

>> Oh, No, She's Not Pregnant.

That Would Be Impossible.

>> Did You Kiss Her Or Not?

>> She Kissed Me.

You're Hopeless.

I Wouldn't Be Surprised If She

Didn't Want To See You.

>> Oh, No.

She Wants To See Me Again.

>> Really?

Why?

>> Probably 'Cause I'm A Pretty

Good Kisser.

No, Seriously -- Why?

>> No, Seriously.

I'm --

I'm A Pretty Good Kisser.

Yeah?

Uh... Wow.

>> Hi.

Is There, Uh...

...Something You Need?

>> Um...

Oh!

I Was, Um, Thinking Of

Watching The Game Again This

Next Sunday And Was Wondering If

You Had Any Recommendations...

For A Good Place To Watch The

Game... Like...

>> Um...

>> ...Someplace Fun...

>> You Know What?

>> Mm-Hmm?

>> I'm Gonna Be Watching The

Bears Game With My Kids.

>> Great.

>> And You...

>> Mm-Hmm?

>> ...You Could Probably...

Find A Great Sports Bar In The

Neighborhood.

Uh, Stevie B's Has Hd, Huge

Screen.

You'll Love It.

And They Got Great Ribs There.

>> U-Uh... Stevie B's?

I Don't Really Know --

>> Oh, It's A Great Place.

Go, Bears!

>> Go, Bears.

Go, Bears.

Sports BAR...

>> Hey, Girls.

>> Carrie! Hey!

>> Together: We've Got Spirit!

Yes, We Do!

We've Got Spirit!

How 'Bout You?!

>> Awesome.

Get Lots Of Sign-Ups, Okay?

>> Yeah, Definitely!

>> Pawn To Rook 4!

Pawn To Rook 4!

>> Where Were You?

>> I Was Behind The School.

>> What Were You Doing There?

>> Nothing.

>> Don't Touch My Balls.

Or My Hair.

Or My Hair!

>> I Can't Believe You Copped A

Feel On The First Date.

W-Were They Pointy?

Pink? Brown?

Round?

>> Can You See What's Around

Him?

That's Protection.

It's A Thing Of Beauty.

Now If They Could Just Win A

Damn Game.

>> Could You Imagine, Like,

Spider-Man's Agility And

Quickness And All That Stuff Put

In Bruce Wayne -- Batman?

It'd Be Like The Ultimate...

Ultimate Superhero Of All Time.

It'd Be Pretty Cool.

>> Totally.

>> Oh!

One Too Many Vanilla Cokes,

Babe.

I Got To Pee.

>> Rolling Hills Dragons Rule!

Waaaahooooow!

>> Hey, Carrie.

Guess What -- I Have Another

Date Tonight With Samantha.

I'm Gonna Follow All Your

Advice -- Always Open The Door

For Her And...

Compliment Her Shoes...

And Try Not To Be...

Myself?

Yeah.

>> Both: Uh... Hey, Carrie.

>> Get Your Geek Stink Breath

Out Of Here, Payton!

>> Dork!

>> Do You Remember When

Rob Liefeld Couldn't Draw Feet?

>> Oh, My God.

I Thought I Was The Only One Who

Noticed.

>> Okay, What's The Scariest

Movie You've Ever Seen?

>> Easy -- "Bride Wars."

>> Good Answer!

I'm Not Sure What Was Scarier

About That Movie -- The Script,

The Directing, Or Was It The

Acting?

>> Well, Actually, Wedding

Scenes Kind Of Freak Me Out.

>> Oh, Afraid Of Getting

Married?

>> No, But Here's A Scary Fact

For You -- Did You Know That

Nearly Half Of All Marriages

Last Their Entire Lives?

>> Aah!

>> What About The Ultimate Line?

>> I Know!

Is That Ever Gonna Come Out On

Time?

>> Who Do They Think They Are?

You Know? Frank Miller?

>> Speaking Of, Did You See His

"Robocop" Movie?

>> Uh, Yeah -- He Sold Out

Faster Than A Condom Machine On

Prom Night.

Thank God He Redeemed Himself

With "Sin City," Until He Fell

Back Down With "The Spirit."

>> What Were They Trying To Do?

Cram All Those Comic Books Into

One Movie?

>> Worst Adaptation Ever.

>> "Hell Boy" -- Much Better.

>> Agreed.

>> You Are Super-Cool And

Totally Awesome.

>> Thanks, Guys.

I Had A Great Time Tonight.

>> Yeah, Me Too.

>> We Should Do It Again

Sometime.

>> Sure.

I'll, Uh, I'll Call You.

>> Yeah.

My PARENTS ARE SOUND ASLEEP

UPSTAIRS.

>> Really?

Probably Shouldn't Wake Them Up.

Good Night.

>> That's Not What I Mea--

>> Oh.

>> What's With The Face?

>> Wha-- I-I Don't Have A Face

On.

>> Your Mouth's Open.

>> Are You Sure That This Is

Your Room?

>> I Wasn't Always Into Comic

Books.

>> No?

>> Uh, Well, You Know, Not Until

This Guy.

>> Oh, Cool.

Li'l Depressed Boy.

He's So...

>> Romantic?

>> ...Depressed.

Um...

>> What?

Hey, Do You Want To See My

Halloween Costume?

>> Um...

Yeah. Yeah, Yeah.

Halloween Costume -- Yeah,

That's A Good Idea.

I-I Want To See It.

Can't Wait, Actually.

Can't Wait To See It.

Okay.

All Right.

I'm Really...

What? Does --

Does It Make Me Look Weird?

>> You Look... Awesome!

Where'd You Get That?

>> At A Garage Sale For The Fat,

Suicidal Cheerleader.

Like, Picture A Lot More Zombie

Makeup And Blood And Junk For

The Dance.

>> Yeah -- Zombie Cheerleader.

Awesome.

>> Yeah, I'm Going As

Brain-Dead.

Oh.

Okay.

>> Sorry.

>> Stop APOLOGIZING.

Mm!

>> What?

Hey, It's Nothing To Be

Embarrassed About.

>> Oh, God! Oh!

>> What?

>> That's Go-Gurt That I Was

Saving... For Later.

>> Oh!

Strawberry-Banana's My Favorite.

>> Oh.

>> Oh, God!

>> Oh, God. Okay. Aah. Aah.

I Think Your Watch Is In My

Hair.

Ow! Aah! Aah! Okay.

>> Okay. I'm Gonna Extract It.

>> Uh-Oh.

>> What's "Uh-Oh"?

>> It's MY DAD!

It's MY DAD! Come ON!

Two Minutes, Young Lady.

Or I'll Be Back With My Shovel.

>> Don't Worry.

I Haven't Had A Curfew Since I

Started Getting Straight A's In

Eighth Grade.

>> That's So Awesome.

>> Yeah, Curfews Are Totally

Lame.

>> No, That You Get Straight

A's.

>> Hey, Um... Payton?

I-I Was, Like, Okay, I'm Kind

Of Wondering If... Maybe... You

Would... Um...

>> Yeah?

>> Would You Like To Go To The

Halloween Dance With A Zombie

Cheerleader?

>> Yeah. I -- Okay.

>> Oh, Yeah.

Things Are Going Great.

Two Dates And Counting.

I'm Getting More Superpowers

By The Day.

Now I Can Talk To Girls, Pee

Standing Up, And Fly.

But Sometimes Even Superheroes

Have Power Failures.

>> Aaaaaaah!

>> But I'm Figuring It Out.

Yeah, I'm Juggling Two Girls

Pretty Well.

Now All I Need Is A Costume

For The Halloween Dance.

>> Okay, We Need To Find

Something For You To Wear.

We Have To Go Shopping.

Shopping!

Shopping!

Let's Go Shopping.

>> What?

>> Oh, You Have No Idea.

>> ♪ This Is Where I Wanna,

Ah, Ah, I Wanna Take It ♪

♪ I Think That I Can Take It ♪

♪ I Take It! I Take It! ♪

♪ I Think That I Can Take It ♪

>> Wow.

>> This Isn't Really The Type Of

Costume I Had In Mind.

>> Oh.

>> What About Something...

Like This?

>> ♪ 'Cause You Want It,

I Want It ♪

♪ You Want It, I Want It ♪

♪ You Want It, I Want It ♪

♪ You Want It, I Want It ♪

♪ Ahh! ♪

>> What The Hell Happened?

>> Never, Ever, Ever Go Shopping

With A Girl.

Ever.

>> Oh, Son, I Am So Sorry.

I Feel So Responsible For Not

Having Taught You That Already.

>> Although, I Did Get To Spend

Two Hours Alone With

Carrie Smith.

So, While My Body Is Bruised And

Beaten, My Spirit Soars To

Heretofore-Undiscovered Heights.

Son, Men Just Don't...

>> Wax Poetic?

>> Well.

First Try This Time.

Okay, Clayton -- Payton!

>> Dad!

>> I Didn't Mean Anything By

That.

It Was A -- I Don't Get --

I-I-I Get Everybody's Nam--

I Got So Many Kids' Names To

Remember At School, I --

>> If You're Watching This, Then

You're Trying To Date A Man

Who's Obsessed With Me.

What's His Name?

>> B-Bronko.

>> Now, The First Step Is

Understanding His Obsession, So

You Got To Breathe Me In.

Seriously, I Don't Mind.

>> It's Okay To Like It.

You Have To Understand, I'm

Dripping With Macho.

I'm An American Icon!

>> Oh, My.

>> I'm What The Kids Call A

Baller.

It's No Wonder Your Man Is Into

Me.

In Fact... I Think You're Kind

Of Into Me, Aren't You,

Gorgeous?

>> No, Not Really.

>> Use Your Man's Affinity For

Me And For The Game Of Football

To Your Advantage.

I'll Say A Phrase, Then You

Repeat It.

>> Okay.

>> "Great Game Last Night.

The Way He Found The Tight End

So Deep And Went So Long For

The Touchdown."

>> "Last Night Was Great...

The Way He Found That Tight End

And Went So Deep And Waited So

Long For The Touchdown."

>> Great Job.

Now Grab Your Man And Hit The

Showers.

>> Hey, Babe.

>> Hi.

So, The Diner Before Or After

The Halloween Dance This

Saturday?

>> Yeah, Um...

About The Dance...

I Can't -- I Got To Do That...

Thing With Andy, The College

Girl.

You Understand... Right?

>> Don't Worry About It.

>> Thanks For Being So

Understanding.

You Are Awesome.

>> All Right, You Goddamn Dorks,

If I See Any Of These Stickers

On Any Of My Doors Or Anybody

Else's Doors, Your Ass Is Out Of

Class.

Get Moving!

>> "I-N-T-T-Y"?

"She's Not Talking To You?"

Are You Not Talking To Me, Too?

"No, I'm Still Talking To You."

Then Why Are You Texting Me?

>> Oh, Yeah. I Forgot.

>> And Why Are You Not Talking

To Me?

>> You're A Cheerleader, And You

Don't Have A Date To The Dance,

Biyotch!

>> Hey, Guys.

>> That Gives Me An Idea!

I Do Need To Be At The

Halloween Dance.

We'll See How Clark Likes It

When I'm Lifting Stuff For

Someone.

I'm Going To Ask Someone Else

To The Dance.

I Could Ask Johnny, But He's

Going With Shirley.

I Could Ask Nick, But He's

Going With Jane.

I Could Ask Max, But He's In A

Wheelchair.

So That Just Leaves One Person.

I Know I've Been Trying To Set

Him Up With Samantha, But I'm

The Head Cheerleader, And I

Really Need This.

>> You Want To Go To The Dance

With Me?

But, I Mean, Why -- Why Would

You?

>> Don't Show Your Face The

Whole Time We're There.

>> Halloween Dance, Mask --

No Problem.

>> One More Thing -- No Kiss

Good Night And No Hug Good

Night.

Actually, Don't Touch Me At All.

Well, Except When We're Dancing.

You Get One Slow Dance, And If

Your Hands Come Anywhere Near My

Ass, I'll Punch Your Lights Out.

I Shit You Not.

>> Whoo!

>> ♪ Whoa-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh ♪

♪ Whoa-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh ♪

Hey, Samantha.

We Need To Talk About The

Halloween Dance.

Uh...

>> I Don't Know!

I Don't Know What You See In A

Girl Like Carrie Smith, But You

Being Interested In Her Makes

Me A Lot Less Interested In You.

She Probably Wants You To Do Her

Homework Or Wash Her Car Or Take

Care Of Her Sick Grandmother.

She's Just Using You.

And You're Gonna Let Her Because

You're A Stupid Little Boy Who

Does Stupid-Little-Boy Things,

And I've Had Enough Of Your

Stupid Little Boyness --

You Should Go Right Now Before I

Call You A Stupid Little Boy

Again.

>> Um...

>> Just Go!

>> I Used My Superpowers To Get

Samantha To Like Me.

She Went On A Date With Me --

Well, Two Dates, Actually --

And Then I Used My Mind Control

To Get Clark Away From Carrie.

And Then I Came Flying In, And

Carrie Fell Madly In Love With

Me And Asked Me To The

Halloween Dance With Her.

So Far, Everything Was Going

Exactly According To Plan, So

Why Do I Feel So Lousy About

It?

>> I Hope He Feels Lousy About

What He's Done.

Stupid Payton.

That's The Last Time I Comb My

Hair For Anyone Or Buy A New

Dress Or Wax My Eyebrow.

Grandma Was Right -- I'm Gonna

Become A Miserable Old Woman

Who Dies Alone, Completely

Unloved.

>> Every Superhero Eventually

Comes Face-To-Face With His

Nemesis.

I Thought Mine Was Clark Hayes.

I Mean, Doesn't That Just Sound

Like The Name Of A

Supervillain?

But What If My Biggest Nemesis

Was... Myself?

Hey, Babe.

Earth To Carrie?

Um...

Hey, I Was Wondering If You

Still Wanted To Go To Dinner

With My Parents Next Week.

>> I Thought You Had To Lift

Stuff.

>> She's Busy, So I Can Be With

You.

>> I'll Call You.

>> Perfect.

Per-- Yeah.

>> So, There's This New Move

I'm Thinking About Doing Before

The Football Game, And If We All

Do It, It'll Look Really Cool.

It's Really Easy.

>> Yes!

>> Yeah!

>> You Think?

>> Yeah!

>> Totally!

>> Okay. Okay, I'll Show You.

And Then We Got To Show

Everyone, Okay?

Okay, Yeah. Okay.

So, We'll All Be Lined Up.

And Then We Shimmy Like This.

And Then...

Like That, Okay?

It's Stuck!

It's Like They're Glued Or

Something!

Get It Off! Help Me!

Get It Off! Help Me!

>> Oh, Goddamn --

Give Me The Toilet Paper!

Thank You.

>> Do You Have A Date To The

Dance?

>> Uh... Um... I...

>> Would You Like To Go With Me?

>> You're Friends With Her,

Aren't You?

You Little Dorks Stick Together,

Right?

>> Yeah, They Do.

>> Where's Samantha?

>> Oh, She's With Miss Stewart.

They Were Gonna Dissect A

Cheerleader's Head To See If

There Was Anything Inside.

>> O.M.G.!

That Should Not Be Allowed.

>> Here Are The Rules -- No Kiss

Good Night, No Hug Good Night,

No Thinking About Touching Me At

All, Except For When We're

Dancing.

You Get One Slow Dance, And If

You Try To Get Your Hands

Anywhere Near My Ass, I Will

Punch Your Lights Out.

I Shit You Not.

No. Unh-Unh.

>> I Got A Message For

Little Miss Superglue.

>> Oh, I Don't Know Who You're

Talking About.

Great Idea With Those Pom-Poms!

Now You Won't Forget Where They

Are!

>> I Was At The Assembly, Okay?

I Saw Mr. Acker Get His Finger

Stuck To His Forehead, Okay?

I Know Samantha Did This.

Do You Think I'm Stupid?

>> No.

Crazy, Maybe.

>> Tell Samantha This Isn't

Over.

>> Pardon, Ladies.

>> Carrie!

I-It's Payton!

>> Why Are You Dressed Like

Jack Skellington?

>> I'm Li'l Depressed Boy --

You Know, Because I'm Depressed.

Who Are You Supposed To Be?

>> I'm Little Miss Superglue.

>> I'm Gonna Go Get Some Punch.

>> Hey, Carrie.

>> Hey.

>> You Look So...

That's, Like, Totally Original.

So Hot.

I Really Do Like Your Eyebrow.

>> I Don't.

It's Hairy, And It's Just One.

>> Hey!

>> Aah!

Dad! Come On!

Well, Son, I Hope Nobody Breaks

Any Rules Tonight.

'Cause, You Know, Mike Ditka

Could Never Suffer The Likes Of

Rule Breakers.

>> Dad, Do You Have To Dress

Like Ditka...

Every Year?

>> Nice Shirt.

>> Thanks!

Who Are You Supposed To Be?

>> Well, She's Obviously A Slut!

>> Yeah!

I, Like, Totally Dressed As

Carrie Smith!

>> Dude, That Is So Wrong On So

Many Levels.

>> On Fire! On Fire!

The King Of Pop Is On Fire!

>> Are You Li'l Depressed Boy?

That's My Favorite Webcomic

Character.

>> This Costume Took Me Forever

To Make.

>> Payton.

>> You Look... Really Nice,

Samantha.

>> Of Course.

Of Course You'd Like The Way I

Look.

I'm Dressed As Carrie.

>> No!

No, That's Not What I Meant!

>> Swine Flu?! Swine Flu?!

What About This Makes You Think

I'm Swine Flu?!

>> Chester?!

You're Here With Chester?!

>> Enjoy The Party, Payton.

>> What's Up, Jack Skellington?

>> I Already Told You, I'm

Li'l Depressed Boy.

>> Boy, Are You.

So, Where Is Your Slut?

>> Okay, Listen.

I Don't Care What You Say About

Me, But Don't You Dare Badmouth

Samantha, Okay?

>> Whoa!

Back Off, Li'l Repressed Boy.

If You Care So Much About Her,

Why Don't You Do Something About

It?

>> I Did.

I Did Everything You Told Me,

And I Still Managed To Screw It

Up.

Look, You're Poised And

Beautiful And Sexy And

Well-Dressed, And Every Boy

Wants To Be With You, And Every

Girl Wants To Be You.

And That's Easy To Fall For.

But What Really Matters Is What

Samantha Has.

She Has A Beautiful Soul.

Now Go Away So I Can Get A Drink

Of Water.

Ow.

>> All Right, Everybody, Let's

Boogie.

>> Hey!

>> Super Mario?

>> No.

>> Luigi?

>> No!

Ditka!

I'm Mike Ditka.

Ditka.

>> Samantha?

Can We Talk?

>> No! Sss!

Don't... Talk.

>> Wait.

>> Do I... Have A...

Beautiful Soul?

>> Yeah. I Mean... Sure.

Whatever.

>> Perfect Time For Your Slow

Song, Date.

>> Okay. Yeah.

>> Slow Dance?

I Promised You One.

Payton... Thanks.

>> For What?

>> For Being Payton.

I'm So Glad We're Friends.

>> That Was The Kiss I'd Been

Waiting For My Whole Life.

>> You're Super-Cool And Totally

Awesome.

>> Samantha's The Girl For Me.

I'm Such A Dork.

I Need To Tell You Something --

About Clark.

Go To The Comic-Book Shop

Tomorrow At 5:00, Okay?

>> Why?

>> Just Trust Me On This.

Hey, Samantha.

>> Wrong Girl, Man.

>> You Call That A Hit?!

My Nana Can Hit Harder Than

That!

Nothing?

You're Not Gonna Chide Me For My

Improper Parental Technique?

All Right, What's Wrong?

Oh, Look, I Know It's Football,

But I've Never Seen You This

Down.

>> You Don't Understand At All.

>> All Right.

So...

You Started Off With The Hots

For This Carrie Girl.

She Wanted To Play Matchmaker,

And You Had Hope That All The

Time You Spent With Her, She

Would Like You Back.

But Then You Realize You Really

Connect To This Samantha, And

Because You Don't Have

Experience In This World, You

Muck It All Up?

>> Muck! Muck! Muck! Muck!

>> Watch, Watch, Watch, Watch.

You Know, Son, If You Had Some

Questions, You Could Have Come

To Me.

Heck, We're Both Out There In

The Dating World.

Maybe You Could Have Given Me A

Tip Or Two.

Son, All I Know Is, If I Were

You Right Now, I Would Need To

Prove To This Girl -- This

Samantha Girl -- That She Means

More To Me Than Anything In The

World, More Than This Carrie

Chick, More Than The Respect Of

Your Classmates, And, Yes, Even

More Than The Mighty

Chicago Bears.

>> Hey, That's What You Got To

Do, Whether You Want To Believe

It Or Not.

Now, If You Want To Go Figure It

Out, I Officially Excuse You

From Family Football Sunday.

Oh, Wait.

If You Are Really Determined

And Willing To Pay The Price,

You Can Get It Done.

>> Ditka?

>> What Makes You Think All The

Advice I Give You Is --

Yeah. Ditka. It's Ditka.

Longest Conversation We've Had.

>> So, Let's Really Think About

This, Andy.

No Way Batman's A Dork.

Robin Number 1, He Dated

Starfire, Right?

And Robin Number 3 Had This

Little Thing Going On With The

Spoiler.

>> I Didn't Know You Like Comic

Books.

>> Yeah, I Like Comic Books.

Shh.

>> So, Next Time, Can I Get --

>> Do You Think I Could Play

Superman?

>> No, You Can't Play Superman.

>> Oh, Really?

Then Look At This.

Whoo!

>> You Ready, Kiddo?

>> Hi, Mrs. Gardner.

>> Hey.

>> Same Time Next Week?

>> Yeah, Definitely.

>> Okay.

>> Ah.

Say "Thank You," Andy.

>> Thank You.

>> High Five!

>> You Ready?

>> Ready.

>> See Ya.

>> Thanks.

>> Did You Have Fun?

Do You Like Clark?

That Was Even Funner.

>> Hey, You're Really Gonna

Enjoy These.

That'll Be $38 Even.

>> Thanks.

>> Thank You. Come Again.

>> Did You Know About Andy?

>> Sure.

Clark And Andy Come In Here All

The Time.

Why Would He Hide This From Me?

>> He's Captain Of The Football

Team.

He Doesn't Want Anyone To Think

He's Uncool.

>> But I'm His Girlfriend.

>> Exactly -- He Especially

Doesn't Want His Girlfriend To

Think He's Uncool.

I Need To Talk To You About

Payton.

>> My Whole Life, I Was Worried

About "What's The Worst That

Can Happen?"

But Now I Was Living It.

I Had Lost Samantha.

There Was Nothing Left To Be

Scared Of, 'Cause It Couldn't

Get Any Worse.

This Whole Time, I Was

Listening To Carrie's Advice --

How To Dress, How To Act, How

To Get A Reach-Around.

But It Was Time To Stop Doing

What She Wanted Me To Do And

Start Doing What I Wanted.

If I'm Really A Superhero, I'm

Gonna Have To Prove It.

I Just Need One More Brilliant

Plan To Woo Samantha.

>> So, Everything -- Everything

Involving You Was Part Of A

Brilliant Plan To Woo Me?

>> Yes!

Payton's Not Just A Dork -- He's

An Idiot.

You Make The Boy Stupid.

If That's Not Love, I Don't Know

What Is.

>> Stop.

Don't Say Anything.

Look, I Understand What You See

In Chester, Okay?

Yeah, He's President Of The

Chess Club And His Handwriting's

Impeccable And He's Got Really,

Really, Really Great Hair.

But -- But I'm Not That Guy,

Okay?

No. Samantha.

But I'm Just The Guy Who's --

Who's Gonna Do This!

>> Everybody, Get Down!

>> Is That A Turnip?

>> No, It's An Onion.

>> No Outside Food!

>> Well, It Looks Like A Turnip.

>> It's An Onion!

>> Pbht!

An Onion? Lame!

>> Shut Up! This Is So Romantic!

>> Yes, I Am Holding A Very

Large Onion In My Right Hand,

But That Is Only Because If You,

Samantha Gibson, Do Not Give Me

A Second Chance, Then...

Then I'm Gonna Have To Eat This

Right Here In Front Of

Everybody!

>> And If You Don't Go Out With

Me, I'm Gonna Eat This Corn Dog.

>> No, And If You Don't Give Me

Another Chance, I'm Just Gonna

Finish My Fruit Cup.

>> He's Allergic To Onions.

He Could Become Violently Ill Or

Even Die!

>> Cool.

I Hope She Says No.

I'd Really Like To See That.

>> Son!

>> Dad.

>> Son, What Are You Doing Up

There?

>> That's Samantha.

>> Oh.

Hi.

>> H-Hi, Coach Bronko.

>> How You Doin'?

>> I'm Okay.

>> I'm Gonna Eat This Onion!

>> Son, You're Allergic To

Onions!

>> I Know!

>> Eat It! Eat It! Eat It!

>> No, There's Nothing That's

Stopping Me Now -- Not Unless I

Hear Something From Samantha

About It, But...

>> Payton.

>> ...I Don't Hear Anything...

>> Payton?

>> ...So It's Getting Really --

>> Payton!

>> What?

>> You Had Me At "I Have A Very

Large Onion."

>> Dork Love Is In The Air!

Oww!

>> Kiss Me So You Can't Say

Anything Else Stupid.

>> You Know, This Is A Blatant

Violation Of The School's

"Public Displays Of Affection"

Ban.

>> I'll Tell You What.

>> What?

>> If You Forget About What You

Just Saw, I Won't Bring Up Your

Last Little Visit To The

Thunder From Down Under At The

Next Faculty Meeting.

>> I'll Tell You What.

How About We Just Forget

Everything And You Take Me Out

To Dinner This Weekend?

>> Well, I-I...

How 'Bout Saturday Night?

>> Sounds Good.

>> Oh, Great.

>> Just So You Know -- Doing

Things Quickly Is Not A Trait

Women Are Always Looking For In

A Man, If You Get My Drift.

>> Wow!

This Is Kicking Taco Day's Ass.

>> I Am Awesome.

>> Yeah. Yeah, You Are.

You Are One Loveable Dork,

Payton.

>> High School's Awesome!

>> I Got The Girl, I Got The

Respect Of My Classmates, And

Even My Dad Was Happy For Me.

I Guess In The End, He Was

Right.

I Mean, You're Never A Loser

Until You Quit Trying.

And If You Know What You Want,

Even If It's Not The Same Thing

You Thought You Wanted At The

Beginning, Why Not Keep Trying

For It?

So, That's My Story.

And Somewhere Along The Way, I

Realized That There Are A Lot

Of Other Dorks Out There Just

Like Me.

And They Might Also Want To

Know Some Of My Secrets.

>> You're Probably Gonna Be A

Teen Mom.

>> Besides, Dorks Are "In" Right

Now.

This Whole Time That I Was

Trying To Be A Superhero, I

Guess I Really Just Needed To

Be... Myself.

I Mean, What's The Worst That

Can Happen?

>> Well, I Mean, The '85 Bears

Were The Best Chicago Football

Team Ever, And It Was Because --

>> They Were Amazing.

>> Mike Ditka.

>> Uh-Huh.

>> He Brought Them To The

Super Bowl.

>> Hey And Hello, Everybody.

Welcome To Ditka's.

>> Hello, Mr. Ditka.

>> How's The Food?

>> Really Good.

It's Really Delicious.

>> It's The Onion That Gives It

That Little Kick.

>> ♪ You May Find Yourself

Angry At The Things I Do ♪

♪ Things I Put You Through ♪

♪ Hope You're Able To

Forgive Me Like I Forgive You ♪

♪ I Forgive You ♪

>> Mmm. Snickers.

Aw, Come Here, Big Boy!

>> Can I Have A Little Bit Of

Your Stuff?

Oh, My God!

Oh, My God.

>> No, It's All Right.

>> No, Y-- It Was -- It Was --

>> Don't Worry About It.

It Was In The Way.

>> ♪ Not Even Lions

Can Tear Us Apart ♪

♪ Let's Stick Together ♪

♪ Let's Follow Our Hearts ♪

♪ Not Even Lions

Can Tear Us Apart ♪

♪ Oh, Girl,

What Are You Thinking? ♪

[Far As Hell's "Finally Here"

Plays]

>> ♪ It Started Out

With Some Loud Shouts ♪

♪ As We Ran Around And Around ♪

♪ I Saw You There

With Your Long Blond Hair ♪

♪ I Would Have Never Guessed

I'd Meet You Here ♪

♪ If Dreams Come True,

I'll Come Talk To You ♪

♪ When I'm Up Here,

It All Becomes So Clear ♪

♪ You Look So Cute

Doing That Move You Do ♪

♪ I Can't Believe

I'm Finally Here ♪

♪ Our Eyes, They Lock

As The Band Rocks ♪

♪ Should I Try My Luck

With You? ♪

♪ I Can't Believe

I'm Finally Here ♪

♪ I Can't Believe

I'm Finally Here ♪

♪ I Can't Believe... ♪

>> You Know, If You Were A

Burger At Mcdonald's, You'd Be

Called A "Mcgorgeous."

Dollar Menu, Probably. Yeah.

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