All language subtitles for The.Competition.2018.WEB-DL.x264-FGT.HI

["So Alive" by Tiffany Alvord]

♪ I'm feeling alive ♪

♪ I'm feeling a rush ♪

♪ So energized ♪

♪ Nothing is standing
in my way ♪

♪ I'm feeling the beat ♪

♪ The beat of my heart ♪

♪ I'm feeling a spark ♪

♪ I'm feeling the flame ♪

♪ Lights up the dark ♪

♪ Now I'm shining
like the stars ♪

♪ It's something
that I crave ♪

♪ I'm feeling so alive ♪

♪ Like I'm
on a sugar high ♪

♪ You can start believing
if you try ♪

♪ I'm feeling so alive ♪

♪ Like I'm
on a roller coaster ride ♪

♪ Got my hands up ♪

♪ And I ain't stopping ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ I'm feeling the clouds
come down to earth ♪

♪ I'm floating around ♪

♪ Laughing so hard
that it hurts ♪

♪ It's just one
of those perfect days ♪

♪ I'm taking in it ♪

♪ I forget to breathe ♪

♪ It's bursting inside ♪

♪ So much I can't even sleep ♪

♪ I get lost
in my own world ♪

♪ I'm feeling so alive ♪

♪ Like I'm on a sugar high ♪

♪ You can't stop me
even if you try ♪

♪ I'm feeling so alive ♪

♪ Like I'm on a roller
coaster ride ♪

♪ Got my hands up
and I ain't stopping ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ No one's gonna stop me ♪

♪ No one's gonna let you ♪

♪ 'Cause I feel so alive ♪

♪ So oh oh oh alive ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh... ♪

I never knew you had this
kind of wild side, honey.

Are you sure
you know what you're doing?

Absolutely, you're going
to be great at this.

[sneezes]

Oh, here ya go!

Why aren't you strapped
to an instructor?

I'm certified,
I jump solo.

Yeah?

OK?

But I'm, I'm not ready!
[grunting]

All right, honey,
we have to talk.

-What?
-I'm breaking up with you!

-You're what?
-It's not you it's me!

-What?!
-There's an Uber waiting
for you when you land!

[yells]

-OK.
-[screams]

♪ Like I'm on
a roller coaster ride ♪

♪ Got my hands up ♪

♪ And I ain't stopping ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ No one's gonna stop me ♪

♪ No one's gonna let you ♪

♪ 'Cause I... ♪

I liked that one.

Yeah, he seemed nice.

Do you still
want to make a jump?

There's another
landing field up ahead.

Are you crazy?
I could die.

[man] Yeah, I'll be there
at 6PM sharp like always.

No. Because there's never
anybody I want you to meet, Mom.

Yeah, there still swimming,
last I checked.

All right, I'll see you Sunday.

I love you too, bye-bye.

-Dinner Sunday at Mom's?
-Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry, man.
You want to come
to dinner on Sunday?

Aw thanks, man,
I'd love to.

[chuckles]
So, what seismic earth shift
got your ass off the couch

and in to my office today,
buddy?

Basketball with the guys.

Oh, yeah.

Man, I can't do it,
I got to work.

-Hoops, bro.
-I hear ya, I can't do it.
Look at this.

Oh, oh, who's
the little brunette

with the big guy?
What did he do, kill her?

-An assault.
-He beat her up?

-She kicked his ass, actually.
-Ha! Yeah?

Yeah, so she caught him
having sex with the neighbor.

There was an altercation,
and he's suing her for damages.

So, she hired me
to make it all go away.
She still loves the guy.

She wants him back
after he boned the neighbor?

I don't know what
to tell you, man.

Sexual impulses are strong,
but sometimes,

I guess love is stronger.

Is that the Hayworth file?

It sure is.

[gasps] So, you're handling
the arbitration?

Yeah, I gotcha covered.

You bet, you can head home
to the kids.

-[cell phone ringing]
-Oh!

Whoa, whoa!

Hey, honey. No, the Adderall
is in the green bottle,

it's organic.

Yeah. No, honey,
it's right next to the...

[gasps] No!

That's liquid gold!

Nope, that's a goner.

Honey, you're going to
have to take some milk

out of the freezer.
I lost the afternoon load.

[whispers] Sorry.

It's still warm.

I don't care. Calvin,
I need you in my office.

You can close the door
behind you.

You like it here
don't you, Calvin?

Your work has been outstanding.
Partners have noticed.

Yeah. You know, I'm surprised,

but you can
actually do good work
in an oversized law firm

with hourly rates
higher than gods.

Hmm. How are the women's rights
cases going?

Mm. Just fine, great.

Still winning?

I'm undefeated.
But you knew that.

Hm. That's good.

It's really good.

Gena, why am I here?

I have a situation
that needs handling,

and I think you are
just the person for the job.

-Client?
-Blogger.

My sister, actually.

Ah-ha. The mysterious sister
you never speak of.

She was only 15
when our dad died.

Just a kid, really.
She was heartbroken.

And then... I went off
to law school...

Well, I'm sure she's fine.

She might look fine
from the outside.

She's a successful scientist
here in Portland, actually.

She writes formulas
for Fortune 500 companies.

-What kind of formulas?
-Various things.

Did you know that there
is a formula for happiness?

Yeah, it's called whiskey.

[chuckles]

Anyway, that is
all a façade.

The real Lauren is
a different person altogether.

Look at this.

The Pig Theory.

The point of
infidelity and guilt.

Gena, this is
kind of awesome.

It's not awesome,
it's insane.

Can you imagine
the impact she's having
on these people's lives?

Not to mention
her own mental wellbeing.

They're empowering her.

She's been offered
a very lucrative book deal.

And I'm just concerned

that if she writes that book,

the girl I grew up with
will be gone forever.

So, I need you to stop her.

The blog, the book,
all of it.

And how exactly

am I supposed
to do that?

I don't care how you do it.

Use your powers of persuasion.

You're undefeated, right?

Women love you.

Ah...

You want me to mess
with this poor girl's head?

No, just...
take her to drinks,

you know, show her that there
are good guys out there.

Guys like you.

[sighs]

I'm sorry, I...
I can't do that.

Mm. I had a feeling
you'd say that.

So, I have
an offer for you.

Do this and I will recommend

that you make partner
to the board.

Now that's cold, Gena,

you know I deserve
to make partner.

Yes, you do,
and this will guarantee it.

Tucker, Aaronson,
Mauldin & Chesney.

Has a nice ring to it,
doesn't it?

[sighs]

OK...

OK. I'll talk to her...

and I'll get her
to shut down the blog.

Mm.

I knew you would
see things my way.

[scoffs]

No, no, you tell him I will make
that donation to Popular Science

and I don't want
any recognition for it.

People need
their science, man.

Oh!

Whoa, whoa!

-Hey, you OK there?
-Yeah.

You mind if I take a look?

Can I have my leg back?

Yeah, sorry.

Here, let me help you up.

[grunts, sighs]

-Here you go.
-Thanks.

Listen, that could be
a nasty sprain.

Why don't I get
you some ice.

Maybe a cup of coffee?

You know, I don't know you.

I'm sorry, but why would I
get coffee with you?

I'm Calvin.

[both chuckle]

Thanks.

I'm Lauren, by the way.

Nice to meet you.

What's-what's
in the folder there?

Uh, it's my work.
I'm a scientist,

but mainly I just work
on product improvement.

And it's a report
on a formula I was developing.

Wow, that sounds serious.

Not so much.

It's the formula for,
I don't know, the perfect pizza.

Cheese, crust, and beer.

[laughs]
Basically, right? Yeah.

I mean, there might be
a few more factors at play,
but...

Such as?

All right, well,
so the perfect pizza

boils down to that
first perfect bite, you know?

But with these larger pizzas,

sometimes the crust
can get a little soggy,

especially in the middle,

but you can calculate
the perfect ratio

between the thickness
of the pizza's crust

and constant volume
of toppings,

then you can formulate
the perfect bite.

Anyway, our client

used the formula to ad
nine grams of dough
to their pizza,

and now some say
it's the perfect pizza.

Wow.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Well, you know
what this means, don't you?

Actually, I really don't.

It means that you have
to take me to this place

and we need to experience
this perfect pizza.

I don't know,

I should probably just...

Come on, you have to.

It's the perfect pizza,
it can't wait.

OK, OK, you're kind of
putting me on the spot here,

but all right,
let's try the pizza.

Come on, if you can walk,
you can eat pizza.

I can hobble down the street
a little bit, yeah.

All right, terrific...
perfect pizza.

You can't tell a guy
about a perfect pizza...

-[laughs]
-Come on... Do you need this?

-Yeah, thank you.
-Are you sure
you trust me with this?

Wow, I gotta say,
that was a pretty good pizza.

-Pretty good.
-Pretty good.

I don't know
if it's the perfect pizza...

-Oh, I see.
-Thank you.

But it's pretty good.

I'll give it to you,
it's pretty good.

It's pretty good. OK.

Thank you.
I'll take pretty good.

[chuckles]

[inaudible]

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

Watch that ankle.

It's OK.

Well,
thank you for the ice.

Yeah,
thank you for the pizza.

It was great to meet you.

Great meeting you, Lauren.

Goodnight.

Hey, Lauren...

Can I see you again?

Maybe.

That's not a no.

[door opens]

[knocking]

-[gasps]
-Voodoo?

[chuckles]

-Thank you.
-You're welcome,
you're welcome.

-That's super sweet.
-It is super sweet.

-It is super sweet.
-Yeah.

-But I do love this place.
-Yeah, one at a time there.

Oh, mmmm.

[chuckles]

Thanks.

Yeah, no, I was
really lucky to get this place.

-I moved in two years ago.
-Yeah, it's really nice.

So...

You know, you don't have
to leave right away.

You can... stay the night
if you want.

OK, um...

I'd like that.

But I can't.

Um, but I thought we were...

-I thought we had been...
-We are.

We are.

And, um...

that's why I don't want to
take this to the next level

until we've been totally
honest with each other.

I thought we had been.

I know about your blog,

the, um, Pig Theory?

Everything.

Blog? [scoffs] What...

Gena told me...

She's my boss.

-Did Gena put you up to this?
-No, no.

Nobody put me up
to anything.

I, I saw a picture of you
on her desk

and she told me
about the blog.

I... I was intrigued.

No. What about all that
about donating to
Popular Science magazine.

I mean, you were
outside my office...

Just an excuse to meet you.

I didn't know you were
going to sprain your ankle,

but, um, yeah.

I mean, if you
read the blog,

then why you would
want to meet me?

You intrigued me.

You still do.

Hey, come on,

this past week
has been great, right?

So, um...

maybe you show me more.

More of the real you.

OK, you want to see more?

Come up to my office.

OK.

So, as you can see,
the blog is...

kind of a big deal.

Are these all your followers?

I've got just under
two million globally.

I was even thinking about
turning the whole thing
into a book.

Wow, it's impressive.
It is.

And the blog's good,
too, I've read it.

But you know what
impresses me more?

The fact that you haven't
written anything since we met.

Had a full week,
not one post.

It gives a guy a little hope.

You know. Hope that maybe
the Pig Slayer has met someone?

She's ready
to turn over a new leaf
and shut all this down?

Shut it down?

[scoffs]

What would I tell
all these people?

I mean, I'm sorry,
but some of them,

I've actually
changed their lives.

For example, this one.

"I asked my heart
to please stop breaking.

I prayed to God for a cure.
Then I found the Pig Slayer."

They kind of depend on me.
I can't just shut it down.

Sure, you can.
What is that?

That there... B minus C,
what is all that?

That's my infidelity formula.

That's what the theory
is based on.

[chuckles]
Your infidelity formula.

-Yeah.
-OK, explain.

OK, OK...

So all of these variables
are assigned a value of 1-10,

10 being the highest,

and you multiply boredom

by the difference between
the excitement of someone new

and the familiarity
of comfort,

and you subtract from that
the fear of conflict,

added with
the opportunity to cheat,

and that final value,
if that's 20 or higher,

then that person
is gonna cheat.

And as a failsafe,

you break up
after six months of dating.

Statistically speaking
it's not safe to date
for longer than that.

And it works?

Well, two million people
agree with me.

[sighs]

It's... getting kind of late.

Um, I should feed Ripley
and go to bed.

How can you be so sure?

I mean, essentially
you are breaking up

with these people
before they cheat.

[Lauren] Before they have
the opportunity to cheat.

Yeah, but what if they
never would have at all?

[sighs] People cheat.

All they need
is the opportunity

and to know
they won't get caught.

-That's your theory?
-Yeah.

Based on a pretty kick-ass
formula, yes, that's my theory.

And you won't be
convinced otherwise?

That's just how it is

-and how it's going to be,
forever?
-Yeah.

And what if I offer a way
to prove your theory wrong?

I don't see how
you'd be able to do that.

Now, hold on,
you're a scientist, right?

So, you know that
a theory is nothing more

than a theory
until it's proven.

So have you actually
tested this theory?

-How could you test it?
-OK. Well, you said yourself

that everybody scores
a 20 or higher

after six months
of dating, correct?

-Yeah, correct.
-So, all we would need to do

is find a group of people
who have been in a relationship

for longer than six months,

and give them
the opportunity to cheat

without getting
caught, right?

[sighs] I suppose--

Now to keep a close watch
on our subjects,

they would have to be
people close to us.

Like my friends,
or your friends.

Wait, hold on.
I don't understand.

What are you proposing?

I'm suggesting
that you and I

have a little competition.

-A competition?
-Mm-hmm.

I pick five of my friends
who've been in a relationship

for longer than six months,

and you pick the enchantresses

who will be their downfall.

You tempt them,
you challenge them,

you do your worst.

You pick a situation

in which you think gives them

the best opportunity to cheat,

and we will see if
they take the bait.

OK? Best three
out of five wins.

OK, if three out of five
people cheat,

then you have to post
on my blog

and write a forward
to the book

about the competition
and how it all went down,

and admit that,
yes, my theory is correct.

OK,

but if three
out of five resist,

then you've got to post
admitting you were wrong

about the whole thing,
and you gotta shut it all down.

And you have to agree
to be with me.

Like normal people,
no expiration date.

[dog grumbles]

Mm.

If I win,

I get my six months
with you.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, if I win,
you still post, admit defeat,

but I get my six months,
and then we end it. Agreed?

Agreed.

Goodnight, Lauren.

[sighs]

You're upset.

-I'm not upset.
-Yes, you are.

Your voice always rises like
three octaves when you're upset.

[deep voice]
I'm not upset.

Now you're transgender.

Oh... First of all, how could
you embarrass me like that?

What... You...

You send some guy my way,
who doesn't even...

and why would he...?

First of all,
I know how to find a guy.

Finding them has never been
your problem, sweetie.

I don't have any problems!

You know, I really thought
he liked me.

He does, you idiot, I mean,

why else would he take part
in this... what is it,

like a competition?

Yeah. You're right.
Best three out of five wins.

Oh, I'm so gonna
kick his ass.

How exactly is this
going to work?

OK, so, we have a list
of challengers, right?

And all these people have been
in relationships six months
or longer,

and to prove my theory correct,

alls I have to do is...
tempt them.

Oh, my God, there's a list.

What do you know
about these people?

[Lauren]
Everything I need to know.

Simon Walker, OK,
so, he's a preppy bartender.

-[Gena]
The bartender at Toochies?
-[Lauren] Right, exactly.

Apparently, he's one
of Cal's best friends

and he's been engaged
for two years.

Now, Cal says,
"Oh, he wouldn't
possibly cheat."

That's a very long engagement.

-Right?
-Who's that?

[Lauren] Edward Hockett.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're high school
sweethearts.

Now we went to
a yoga class together,

and actually,

oh, you know, I hate to do it
to her really,

but, uh, hey, if Cal's right
and my theory is totally wrong,

then, hey, I haven't done
anything, right?

Right. But you're not going
to actually arrange

for these people
to have sex, are you?

No. OK, so,

Cal and I
argued about this, right?

And he came up
with a good point.

He said, "Well, somebody
could always back out,

or change their mind,
how are you gonna know?"

And I said, "Listen,
if the underwear have come out,

it's a done deal,"
so we decided on that.

Underwear is proof.

You're going to steal
these people's underwear?

Me? No, no, no.
I'm not gonna do that.

Corina's gonna do it.

Who's Corina?

[chuckles]

She's a devout
follower of the blog.

She's got some very interesting
things to say about men.

We have gotten close
over the last couple of years.

She... dances.
Exotically.

-[GenShe's a stripper.
-[Lauren]
Hey, don't be so judgey.

She's a person.
Like you or me.

Thank you.

Thank you...

Anyway, I said she could

post a victory blog
when we win.

Mm. When you win?

Mm-hmm.

Look, I'm a little bit
of an expert

in human nature, OK?
I can't lose.

OK, but what if you do?

[sighs]

Well, if I do,
I have to admit defeat.

I have to shut
down the blog,

which means I lose
my followers.

Then I have to postpone
the book,

because without a blog
there is no book.

That's a lot of think about.
You must really like him

if you're willing to
risk so much.

I don't know,
I'm going to win.

Also think about
it this way.

If I get the city's
top female advocate attorney

writing on my blog
about the competition
and what it proves?

That book, that book
is worth the mint.

Wait, Sharon Gottlieb
she works in our office.

She is happily married,
just had a baby.

Corina is definitely
not her type.

[Lauren] Yeah, no, I know.
He threw that in there.
But, you know what? It's fine.

The pig theory applies
to men and women alike.

We all can be pigs.
That's the whole point.

I mean, you and Mom
were a huge inspiration.

Gee, thanks.

So, how are you going
to tempt Sharon?

There's a male dancer
that works at the Caritas Club.

-Oh...
-He's down to play. [chuckles]

And, God,
he's really hot.

Poor Sharon
doesn't stand a chance.

OK. And, uh,
these last two challengers?

[Lauren] Oh right,
Garrett Stuckey.

Yeah, that's, um, that's Cal's
fitness instructor.

You know, he's one of these
thick, veiny-neck kind of guys.
[laughs]

He's been living with
the aerobics instructor
for two years.

That seems like an easy one.

Yeah.
That's exactly what I think.

But, I don't know,
Cal swears

he's a man of integrity
and honor.

[laughs]
No, he doesn't actually
talk like that.

I swear, he does.

I don't know, maybe the
competition brought out

a whole new
Prince Charming thing.

That's precious.

Gena, I've been meaning
to ask you.

So, you guys went
to law school together,

you work with him,

you've known him
a long time, he's a guy,

and you're... you.

You guys never slept together
or anything, right?

Of course not!

'Cause that would be gross.

Yes, that would.

Now who is this
last challenger?

[laughs] Yeah.

That's his minister.
Married guy.

[Gena] Minister?
That hardly seem fair.

[Lauren] I thought that at
first too, but, I don't know,

he's a
Presbyterian minister,

so he never took
the oath of celibacy,

and I do say that, you know,
the theory applies to everyone,

so, it is fair.

Still, that seems like
kind of a long shot.

Does it, though?

[laughing]

OK but, how can you be sure
he's not going to

tell all of his friends
before just so that he can win?

Uh, yeah,
that's a good point.

Well, I guess we'll just
have to hope that he's

a man of integrity
and honor.

[laughs]

[chuckles]

Good evening.

Well, it's just
a temporary shutdown.

Can't be writing
on the blog

in the middle
of the competition.

Don't want to ruin the secret.

-Right, Ripley?
-[dog whimpers]

[sighs] OK...

[sighs]

[chatter and laughter]

And... I raise
you two dollars.

You are so bluffing.

Kwan, you're not
even in the hand.

It's a Tae Kwon Do trick.
I can read your body,
therefore, your mind.

You took Taw Kwon Do
in the third grade.

It never leaves you.

-Oh, my God, Kwan.
-Hey man,

my people
have suffered a lot.

Did you know in some places
you're only allowed
to have one kid?

Yeah, but you're hungry again
an hour later, all right,
let's go.

Boo-yah!
King high straight.

OK...

Now, don't feel too bad.
I got the brains.

But you, you got the...

I got the looks too.

[laughter]

Didn't even see the flush.

-No!
-[all] Oooh!

Thank you. Thank you.

My doctor says
take two of these

-and call him in the morning.
-[laughs]

Cal, tell the guys
about your new girlfriend.

The hikes, the long walks
in the park.

Yeah, guys, she's, uh,
yeah, she's pretty great.

[Garrett] Does she work out,
bro? I mean, 'cause you want to
keep that ass high and tight,

'cause later she's
going to give up
and it's going to sag.

She looks like she works out.

How about we hear about
what she's like?

Well, she's, uh, cool,
and smart and quirky.

A little bit crazy.

Hey, is she a red head?

Come on.

Man, Kimberly has been coming
to bed lately in flannels.

It's a clear message.

-Black women
do not wear flannel.
-[laughing]

I'm still being punished from
the last time we went fishing.

You should rub her feet.

What?

I'm telling you,

Jenny loves it
when I rub her feet.

And then I run her calves,
and then I rub her knees.

-Dude!
-We get it! Thank you.

[laughs]
So what kind of crazy is she?

Yeah, like, Angelina Jolie crazy
or Tilda Swinton crazy?

-[laughs]
-Who the hell is Tilda Swinton?

Nah, I'd say she's probably

the Tilda crazy,

but she's got a lot
of sweetness too.

I'm telling you, this uh,
this girl's a good one.

Well, be nice to her.
I like this one.

Oh, thank you, doctor,
I plan on it.

Hey, guys.
Who the hell is Tilda Swinton?

Jesus, Garrett. Go to a movie.
Go see a movie!

You too busy?

"I'm poundin' weights! Uhh!"

-Protein, reps.
-[laughter]

Ante up, douche.

[Gena] Just got off the phone
with Mom, she's pulling up now.

You know, I don't see
what the big deal is.

I mean, she's been dating
since Dad died.

Aren't you even
a little but curious?

-No.
-What if he's the one?

Gena,
she already met the one.

Hello, my darlings.

I'm so sorry
to keep you waiting.

Alejandro is
parking the car.

Hi, Mom.

Hey, Mom,
how have you been?

I love your new... look.

Mama Mia, Bellissimo!

-It's Valentino.
-Giorgio Armani.

BonjournMy darling.

-Oh!
-Sweet.

Guys, this is
Alejandro Baraza.

This is my daughter, Gena,
and my other daughter, Lauren.

Like dulcet dewdrops
dripped from a diamond.

I love it...

-I love it!
-Oh, well!

[fake sneezes]

Oh! Oh.
I'm so sorry!

I just must be a...

drippy, drippy dewdrop.

It's OK, it's OK...

-Let's eat.
-Hmmm.

-[Gena] Right this way.
-Thank you.

So, they tell you in class

you have to
switch partners every week

so you can experience
different types of dancers.

Alejandro refused to switch.

-Of course.
-Alejandro,

if you don't mind me asking,

what was a gentleman
who's you know, your age,

doing at a senior
ballroom dance class?

I understand your curiosity,
and I will tell you right now.

I work like a dog
in my shop.

He's a designer.
He makes men's suites.

-Has his own label.
-[Alejandro] Yeah.

-Wow.
-So, I was thinking
to myself and I say,

"Alejandro,
you're such a great dancer,

and your heart
is only half full.

This is not the right way
to live the life.

You must live the life
with the heart full of love,
always, right?"

So, I walked into the class,
and I was ready

with the shaking of my hulo,

and sharing the love
for the dance,

and there she was,
like a beautiful ball
of sunshine,

burning my poor eyes.

-Amore mio.
-[giggles]

Act your age.

And what does that mean?
"Act my age?"

Am I supposed to be at home
knitting sweaters?
Does Gena act her age?

Or what about you, Lauren?
You're 30 years old.

Aren't you supposed
to be married by now

and giving me grandbabies?

I don't see that happening.

I'm very busy,
all right?

Work is always crazy,
then there's my blog,

and now
this book thing...

Well, we can't all be
Pig Slayers, Lauren.

How long's that been going on,
anyway? And when's
that going to stop?

-I'm sure it's just a phase.
-At some point the phase
becomes a reality.

And the long-ago sanity
becomes a phase.

I mean, really,
none of us Walden women

are exactly traditionalists,
but you've taken this too far.

Mom, I'm sorry, but I just
don't understand
where you're coming from.

I'm just standing up
for what I believe in.

You're not standing
for anything, you're running.

You're not letting anybody in.

Actually, she has met someone.

Really?

Yes! His name is
Calvin Chesney,

he is a lawyer at my firm,
and they like each other a lot.

Thank God for that!

-When can I meet him?
-Uh, well, you can't.

-Why not?
-Yeah, why not?

It would be so fun
if you brought Calvin around
to meet the family.

I mean, you and Mom
could go on a double date.

Yes, yes.

You should always
believe in your life

with the heart full of love.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You mentioned that.

I... In that vein,

I'm actually gonna head out
and go see Calvin right now.

Nice meeting you,

and Mom,
it's always good to...
see you.

[laughs]

-[Calvin] What is this?
-Is it me?

Not at all!

It's Gena's.
She loaned it to me for the day.

Thought you might like a ride.

Did she now?

Well, come on, get in,
let's drive this puppy!

-OK, but I'm driving back.
-Oh...

-Ready?
-Ready. Let's go.

And I... got your Queen.

-What? Oh, no!
-Yeah.

Damn.

Checkmate!

Yeah, you set me up there,
didn't you?

-Just a little.
-A little.

All right. You win.

[door opens, shuts]

Whoa! Sorry to interrupt.

That's just gross.

Then again,
kind of not sorry.

[hums tune]

Why don't they find a room?

-It's his house.
-[laughs]

What a clown.
[laughs]

Yeah, ass clown.

-He's weird.
-Ah, he's harmless.

Why does he
live here, though?

I mean, you could afford
this place on your own.

-You think?
-[laughs]

Nah, I know I could.

Just... That's Jake,

you know,
he's always been there for me.

We've been friends
since grade school
and then basketball,

I was point guard
and he was right wing,

all the way through law school
he was always there for me.

Quiz me before exams,
take me out for beers
afterwards.

-Even if I always paid.
-I'm sure you did.

Yeah, just...
he's my best friend.

Seems natural
to have him around.

At least until
I find somebody else

to share this place with.

How about you, huh?

-Lone wolf.
-[chuckles]

You like living alone?

I'm not alone.

I have Ripley...
and two million followers.

[chuckles] That's right.
I forgot about that.

-[chuckles]
-Gosh, where do they all sleep?

Ahh,
I keep them in the garage.

-Yeah...
-[laughing]

Oh, man.

I really like this.

Me and you.

Me too.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I should get to work.

I know...

people need their science.

[chuckles] Yes, they do.

Hey, so when
do we get started?

-With our competition?
-Yeah.

Now.

Right now?

Yep.

As of now it can happen
at any time

to anyone on your list.

You know, I still don't
think it's fair.

I mean, you know,
who all my friends are

and I have no idea
who you're challenging with.

Oh, you'll know.

See you soon.

How will I know?

-[chuckles]
-[door opens]

[cell phone ringing]

Nice car.

[GenYou liked that, did you?

That's one of the perks
of becoming partner.

Yeah, about that.

I've been thinking,

I can't accept
the partnership position

if it has anything
to do with Lauren.

Really.

Yeah, I want to be partner,

and I sure did like
driving that car,

but I don't want you
suggesting me to the board

for any another other reason
than I'm a great lawyer.

Let's just see
how things play out.

From what I can see,
everything is going
according to plan.

OK, Gena, but so we're clear,

I'm not doing this anymore
to make partner.

I'm doing this
because I like Lauren.

Bye, Calvin.

[grunts]

How long have you
and Treasure been together?

I don't know, man,
about two years, I guess?

-You gonna get married?
-[chuckles] I don't know, man.

You know,
work's been really good
and people been throwing

an ass ton of money at me
just to get into shape,

so we could afford it
if we needed to.

No, I mean, you love her, right?
You want to marry her.

I, I don't know, man.

I mean, I guess
I'm gonna have to

if I want to keep her.
That's how it works, right?

Why are you
busting my balls, man?

Did Treasure
put you up to this?

No, no, no, I was
just curious, that's all.

You guys seem happy.

Don't be a douche.

[grunts]

And so it begins.

-Hi.
-Hello.

-Are you Garrett?
-I am. What can I do for you?

Well,
I'm looking for a trainer

and the lady at the front desk,
she referred me to you.

OK, so what kind of hours
are you looking for?

Oh, nothing here.

I actually just bought
this really expensive
home equipment

and I have no idea
how to use it.

-Sounds dumb, huh?
-[chuckles]
Actually, no, not at all.

You know, most people
don't get the full benefit
of their workout

because they
don't know how to use
the equipment correctly.

Sometimes they hurt themselves
or they hurt other people.

-Really?
-That's a fact.

You know, why don't
I give you a free lesson?

Come over here
and show me how you bench.

Yeah...

All right, why don't you
go ahead, and tight back,

stick your chest up,
all right, good.

Grab the bar...

Now go ahead and lift up.

There you go,
down and back up.

Oh that's great.
Chest out, there ya go.

Tight back,
bring it up, good.

All right.
Chest out a little more.

Oh, that's great. Up. Perfect.

I can work with that.

That is great.

She wants you to go
to her place to show her

how to use gym equipment,
and you're buying that?

[chuckles] Seriously, Cal,

come on, man,
you know I'm a professional.

This is what I do
for a living, all right?

I help clients at their houses
all the time. It's what I do.

You need to get your damn mind
out of the gutter.

Douche.

Wow.

[knock on door]

[yawns]

Oh hey, man.

Sign here.

Thanks.

Have a good day.

Garrett.

[Gena] They're going to be
sending a gaggle of attorneys.

It's an important case,
they don't want to screw it up,

so expect a big presence.

Do you really think "gaggle"
is the best collective term

to use for a group
of attorneys?

I'd think it'd be something
more sinister like "murder."

No, no, the crows
have that one.

-Do they? Crows.
-Mm-hmm.

What about "onslaught"?

-Onslaught! Ah, yes.
-[chuckling]

Kids... focus! OK.

Uh, you are going to be
staying at the Seattle Weston,

get in Thursday night,
depo is in the morning.

OK, but when
do we get back?

Paul's got plenty
of milk,

but Maddy's got
a soccer game

this weekend and she
is gonna lose her mind

-if I'm not there.
-It's not a problem.

You'll be back Friday night.

I want you to be prepared
but don't over-work yourselves.

Take some personal time
Thursday night, grab a drink.

I doubt we'll have time
for that kind of thing,
but dinner might be nice.

Dinner, drinks,

on Thursday... OK.

So, that's 32.50 each
plus 6.25 for your beer

and we can split the tip?

What do you say, six each?

Sounds good. Thank you.

Very precise,
this whole thing.

You know, I never thought
I'd say this,

but I actually look forward
to these business trips.

The crappy bar food,
the cheap wine,

and this... silence.

Ah, come on, you've got
the perfect life,

you've got two great kids,
happy marriage.

I wish I had that.

No, you don't.

What are you talking about?

It always looks like
you and Paul

are having
such a great time.

That's Facebook, Calvin.

It isn't real.

My children are monsters.

We used to have fun though,

back when we had sex.

God, we used
to have great sex!

[groans uncomfortably]

But you can't have sex
with a baby on your tit.

No, I imagine you can't.

Physically,
it's practically impossible.

It gets in the way.

Unless you hold it off
to the side

which you can practically do

because your boobs
get really long!

And there's the term.

And your vagina
is never the same.

When they say you can
push a bowling ball

through there
they're not kidding,
because it gets ginormous!

And there's stuff
flying out of there,

stuff you've
never seen before.

Some people keep it,
some people eat it!

OK! You want to order
some coffee here?

Kegels, Please!

I can hardly
hold my own pee in!

My vagina is dead.

I have a dead vagina.

That's a lot of talk
about your vagina here.

Ease up, Calvin.

Your mother's vagina went
through the exact same thing.

Not something I care
to discuss either.

God! These are
going to burst.

[yelps]

Sorry! Yeah,
that one got away from me.

I better pull the plug.

-Yeah.
-[groans]

♪ Words can't say
what you're doing to me ♪

♪ Give me just a minute,
try to understand ♪

♪ I can't control
the shake in my hands ♪

Calvin, you'll never guess
who I bumped into...

This is Brandon.

-Coxx. Dr. Coxx.
-[chuckles]

Dr. Coxx noticed
my breast pump

and we got to talking,
and it turns out
he's a specialist.

He helps women recover
who have had multiple births.

Ooh! Have a seat!

So, Dr. Coxx,

what are you, like,
a plastic surgeon?

Nothing quite so drastic.

I work with the body
and the mind.

I help women to rediscover
their inner selves

so they can get in tune
with their bodies

and re-awaken
their sexual being.

How does it work?
Can you do me?
Can you fix me?

It's a series of meditations
to relax the mind

and intimate massage
techniques to relax the body.

It gets the blood flowing again
in all the right places.

Brings everything
back to life.

[chuckles]

So, doctor,
you seem pretty young.

How old are you?

It's true, I'm young.

I graduated college
when I was 16,

and completed
my medical training overseas.

Europe is where it's at.

Sex is celebrated
there at every age.

We Americans have
it all wrong.

I'm trying
to change that.

A savior of sorts.

Yeah. [chuckles]

I'm sorry I'm staring.

It's just that you have
the most beautiful eyes.

I do?

It's just...

Do you mind?

Yes. There she is.

You definitely have
the vibrant sexual being
in there.

I could help you find it.

OK... This is great stuff,

but, uh, Sharon,
it's getting late.

We've got
that early meeting.

We should probably
get your card and head up.

-We've got an early day
tomorrow.
-Calvin!

We're work colleagues, no!

Why don't we order
some more drinks

and talk about this some more?
I think it's fascinating!

-[chuckles]
-Yeah!

Fascinating!

The mistake that people
make with their lovers
is forcefulness.

You have to approach
these areas tenderly.

You have to gently coax

and gently coax some more

so that the body
reaches for it,

desires the touch.

God, that makes
so much sense!

Uhh, wow.

Sharon, look at the time,
we should probably go!

Yeah, we should.

Can I walk you?

No, no. There's no need,
I'll walk her.

Sharon,
is this your key card?

Actually,
a walk would be nice.

Thank you, Dr. Coxx.

But we have that meeting...

in the morning.

Surely there's no time
for a walk.

Calvin, I'm a grown woman.

I know when I need a walk.

-Shall we?
-Of course.

Grab my jacket.

[scoffs]

[chuckles] Goodnight!

[elevator dings]

[phone rings]

Tucker Aaronson and Walden,
may I help you?

Uh, let me transfer you.

Wow, those are
some ugly panties.

Yeah, they, uh...
for a case.

[chuckles] We are working on
the case of the terrible
granny panties, so...

Must be a big case! [snorts]

[chuckles] It is. It is...

-Hold all my calls.
-OK.

Sharon Gottlieb?

You might as well have
told me that size
really doesn't matter

and that the female orgasm
is made of rainbows.

Well, I'm sorry
that she surprised you,
but she didn't surprise me.

It's probably been
a long time

since a man has looked at her
like that, you know?

We gave her a golden opportunity
and she took it.

She's clearly a sad woman
with a blown-out vagina
that needed tending.

I really wish I didn't know
that about her. [chuckles]

But it's not everyone.
It's not even the majority.

But it is.

That's what
I've been trying to tell you.

You're wrong about people.

It's not that simple.

Yeah, well,
I wish it weren't.

You know, the tragic thing?

That a 220-pound man
wears smiley-faced boxers?

[chuckles]

OK. OK, what's tragic?

Well, the tragic thing
is that if you win,

your blog lives on
and you get to write your book,

but you and I get six months,
and then... it's over.

I mean, six months is...

God, that's nothing.

Hey kids, how we doing?

Simon, my man!

We are doing fantastic.

As a matter of fact,
we've got some great news.

That loan for the penis
extension finally came through?

[laughs] This guy.

No man, um,

Lauren and I
are getting married.

Wow, I mean...

Wow, that was quick!

Yeah. I'm not pregnant.

Well then,
drinks are on the house.

Hey, thank you, brother.

And listen, I'd love to have
the bachelor party

right here at Tucci's.
Is the back room available
for Saturday night?

-It's all yours.
-Awesome! Awesome!

And we'll head back
to my place after
for some shenanigans?

-Yeah, love it.
-[laughs]

-Huh?
-Bachelor party, huh?

-Shenanigans?
-Hey, come on,

what better opportunity
for someone to cheat

than a bachelor party?

It's practically
in the handbook.

-I knew there was a handbook.
-Uh-huh.

Listen, two of our competitors
are going to be there

and you only need one
to cheat

for this competition
to be over,

so we're going to
finish this this weekend.

Finish it?

Well, that's what
you want, right?

Your name in lights.
Glory, the big win?

Yeah, all right.

Saturday bachelor party,
we'll finish it.

Oh, and, uh, listen,

I would love
some strippers for Saturday.

Do you think Corina
knows any of those?

Gee, probably.

I thought so.
Resourceful lady, that one.

-You have no idea.
-[chuckles]

So, are you just doing this
for the gifts?

'Cause we could use
a new Keurig.

-Nah, no gifts.
-Then why?

Women are happy to stay
engaged for like, ever!

It's a get out
of jail free card, man.

[chuckles]
Does Danielle know this?

She doesn't not know it.

Ahh, Jacob, you are an island.

So check this out.

It's the prototype
for my new app,
Mars Calling Venus.

A guy can ask Venus
anything he wants to know,

and she'll tell him the truth

about what women
are really thinking.

So, say for example...
sexual partners.

-[keys clacking]
-[computer chiming]

The average woman
has had eight lovers,
but when polled,

76% said they'd lie
and answer four or less.

Naughty, naughty, Venus.
Naughty, naughty, Venus.

-[chiming]
-Is that it?

Well, she gets naked.

And I loaded her with car
and sports trivia.

Ed got me a meeting
with some suits on Monday.

Ooh, I'm going to be rich!

Did you make her
look like Lauren?

-What?
-Yeah, you...

Is that a mole
under her left eye?

Dude, you have
lost your mind.

This woman has straight up
crawled up inside your brain
and made you go wonky!

So, party tonight
at Tucci's?

I'll wear a suit.

You don't own a suit.

You own a suit.

I own a suit. [sighs]

-[chatter]
-I've had a lot of free time.

[laughs]

There's the three rings
of marriage, brother.

There's the engagement ring,
the wedding ring,

and then there's
the suffer-ring!

-[guys groan]
-Boo!

Boo that man.

Oh, man, I can't believe
you're getting married.

You know how long Jenny
has been harassing me
to pull the trigger?

She wants four kids.

Dang,
that's a lot of kids.

That is a lot of kids.

In Korea we have large families
of many generations

and we all live together
under one roof.

You grew up in Napa Valley.

But my people, we...
We started--

Your parents own a winery...
in Napa!

[laughter]

So, what flipped the switch?

What can I say, fellas?
I love her.

-I hope so.
-Drink to that.

Mm. What about you, Ed,
do you love Kimberly?

Um, let me see.
I married the girl
when we were 18 years old,

so yeah, I think I love her.

No, that's time, man.
I'm talking about love.

Real love, the kind you
walk through fire for,

you know what I'm saying?

Well, yeah.
She's my girl.

Yeah, she is, right?

And she's a good one.

Things have been
going great since I started
rubbing her feet.

Sometimes she'll even put on
her old cheerleading outfit

-and wear it for me.
-There you go.

-Jenny thinks outfits are silly.
-Yeah, well, they're not.

My girl looks pretty amazing
in that outfit.

Well, that sounds
like love to me, man.

-Cheerleader love.
-[laughter]

Does she still love you?

Damn right, she loves me.

What kind of question
is that to ask a man?

-It's just a question.
-Yeah, come on,
why so defensive?

You boys better
get your heads in check.

That woman loves me!
She calls me her Eddie Pie.

-[laughter]
-What?

Whoa, hold on,
say that again?

It's not like an edible pie?
Like a Tasty Pastry?

OK, Eddie Pie.
I mean, it sounds like
you're it for her.

Like, you are her
White Knight.

Hmm.

Black Knight.
I'm her Black Knight.

-Yes, you are. Black Knight.
-Yeah.

No, No!

♪ Happy Birthday,
Mr. President ♪

-♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
-[all groan]

We're jamming.

There you go.

Hey, all I'm saying
is you're a lucky man.

That sense of truly finding
the one? It's pretty rare.

Yeah.

You call it. Do that.

Maybe four isn't so many.

Now that's
a butt load of kids.

-Shh. [laughs]
-That's a butt load of kids.

-That's a butt load of kids.
-[laughter]

I love you too, baby.

Maybe when I get home
you can...

wear that little...
outfit for me?

All right.

All right.
Bye-bye, baby.

It's noisy in there, huh?

You with all those crazy guys?

Uh, yeah.

It's hot in there, too.

I'm Corina.

Do you have a light?

-I don't smoke.
-[laughs]

Well,
you look smoking to me.

[laughs]

OK, OK... what you doing?

What do you mean,
"What am I doing?"

I'm talking to you.

You're doing more
than just that.

Maybe I am.
Do you have a name?

I got a name.

I just don't know
I want you to have it.

Is that so?

My name is Eddie Pie.

I am a Black Knight.

Goodnight, fair lady.

[sighs]

Good for him.

[dance music]

♪ Scratch my back ♪

♪ Scratch my back ♪

♪ Scratch my back ♪

♪ Very long time ♪

[grunts]

That's better. [clears throat]

Now...
tell me where you want it?

-I know where I want it.
-Wait your turn.

It's never my turn.

-You want to take a shot?
-No, I'm trying to quit.

Aww. Well, you don't mind
if I take one, do you?

-Yeah.
-Up.

Wait. Whoa...

[clamoring]

[Calvin] OK...

OK, now...
where do we want it?

I don't.

Oh, you naughty boy.

In the crotch, huh?

That just so happens to be
my favorite place to take it.

-How'd you know?
-[guys clamor]

All right, now,
you have to be
very careful,

'cause if you move,
it'll spill.

And let me make
one thing clear,

I am taking that shot,
every last drop.

[chuckles]

Are we ready, boys?

-[all] Yeah.
-No, no.

-Here we go!
-Ohh! Ohh!

Oh! You naughty boy.

Guess I'm just going
to have to clean you
all up with my tongue.

-Ooh.
-Oh!

[sighs]

Here's some ice...

I'm really sorry,
it was just a reflex.

Would you just make
yourself useful

and hand me my purse?

I'm leaving. [sighs]

Thanks.

[door opens]

I didn't want a shot.

Ooh, boy, you really
screwed that one up, buddy.

I can understand
you not wanting

to show everyone Mr. Floppy,
but did you really have to

knee that poor girl
in the face?

It was a reflex, man.

Hey, uh, where's Simon?

And... Mandy?

Where are they?

They went for a walk.

Wait, you let them leave?

[cell phone ringing]

-Hello?
-Hello, Lauren?

It's Heather Decker.

I have the update
on your book offer.

They like the blog
and your story around that,

but they caught wind
of the competition.

They think
that's a better angle.

Caught wind of it? How?

Your sister made a call
to the publisher.

Apparently, she's not
a fan of your blog.

She's pushing this new angle,
and they like it a lot.

[scoffs]

Gena is not a fan of the blog.

Why doesn't she just
stay out of my life?

Did you hear me, Lauren?
They are very interested.

They are offering
two million dollars for it.

-Two million?
-Yes.

But you have to win.
Otherwise, no deal.

Are you still there?

They want to talk to you
on Monday.

They want to get started
right away.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Listen, that's...
that's an incredible offer,

that's amazing.

It's just it takes
the whole thing

into a completely
different direction

and I'm not sure
that's the book

that I want to write.

Let me think about it
for a couple of days. OK?

Thanks, Heather.

-Hey.
-How could you do it, man?

-Do what?
-You know what.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Did you sleep with her?
Did you have sex with Mandy?

Look, man,
I don't know what you're
talking about, all right?

I thought you were
better than that.

[grunting]

Ah! Get out of there, Cal,
stop it! Get off of me!

You're still wearing
your underwear.

Yes, of course!

What the hell, Cal!

Well, did... did you sleep
with her or not?

Yeah, I slept with her.

Look,

we went down to the river
and we talked.

After a little while
she made a move,

but... I didn't want to.

I mean, I wanted to,
but... I couldn't do it.

I've never cheated on Jenny,
so we just slept.

-[laughs]
-What are you laughing about?

You, man!
You're the man!!

-[shouting]
-Oh, God, OK, all right!

I knew it, I knew you were
one of the good guys, man!

I knew it! OK, that's two.

-Come on, baby, yeah.
-All right, all right.

All right, I believe you.
You know...

Of course, we'll never really
know what happened out there.

But if Mandy didn't
get his underwear,

then I guess we'll say
nothing happened.

Although, she's quite taken
with Simon.

She even wants me to let
her know when he's single.

[chuckles] I don't think
she's his type.

Yeah? She said
he's the first man

to ever turn
her down. Ever.

Hey, you know where
I want to take you
when all this is over?

It's not over yet.

I'll take you to Paris.

We can get some striped shirts
and live the life of the mimes.

Really horny mimes.

[chuckles]

I know it's going to be tough
for you to shut down that blog,

but, um, you know,
maybe you don't have to.

Maybe you could just... turn it
into something more positive.

Well, there's one more
challenger left.

It could go down
either way.

Ah, yes.
The good minister Dooley.

Well, I'm sorry, babe, but
he's a ringer for the home team.

My man is legit.

There is no way anyone
is going to convince him

to cheat on his wife.
[chuckles] Oh...

People can surprise you.

Mm. Yes, they can.

If there's one thing
this competition has
taught me it's that.

Well, [clears throat]
we've decided

to have the last challenge
at Corina's house.

I'll text you the address.

Just tell the minister

that he should
come by around 7

and that you have a friend
who needs some guidance.

We're running
a conversion con.

-A conversion con?
-[laughing]

Listen to you.

It's a good thing
this is almost over.

You're turning
into a regular gangster.

Well, I have a meeting
with the publishers on Monday,

they want to, you know, discuss
the book proposal, details...

Well, either way,
you're going to have

an interesting story to tell.

Hey, you want to have dinner
with me tomorrow night

while all this is going down?

You know, we can celebrate...

either way,
like a couple of good sports.

Wait for the results
together?

Yeah.

I'd like that.

Okay.

[insects chirping]

I talked to Minister Dooley
this afternoon

and he was all in for
bringing in another lost sheep,

so... the last competition
has begun.

-[sighs]
-May the best man win.

May the best person win.

[cell phone buzzing]

Oh, excuse me.

Hello, this is Calvin.

Uh-huh?

Oh, you're kidding?

Yeah, is he all right?

OK, sure. Sure, yeah,
thanks for letting me know.

Uh-huh. Bye-bye.

-Wow.
-What happened?

Umm, Minister Dooley
is in the hospital.

-What?
-Yeah, apparently,

he broke his leg
playing hoops today.

Oh, God, well...
poor Minister Dooley,

but I'm supposed to be
meeting with the publisher

on Monday-- I can't keep
pushing them off.

Yeah, I know. I know.

Um. All right.
We need a new competitor.

So, um...

Jacob.

I'll send Jacob,
it's perfect.

-Jacob?
-Yeah, sure,

he's in the dark about
all this like we agreed,

and he's been engaged
to Danielle for over a year,

so he fits the bill, right?

I'll just, uh,
text him that a friend

needs help
with her computer

-[sent text alert]
-and we'll see
what happens.

-It could work.
-Yeah, yeah,
it's going to be good.

It's going to be good. We are
still going to end this tonight.

-[cell phone buzzing]
-[laughs] Ah, he's free.

Sweet! OK, let me text him
the address and boom.

Done. We're back on, OK?

He's kind of a freak, right?

I mean, you sure
you want to use him?

But... he doesn't go
for easy women.

Huh, so, you scared?

Right? You're scared.

You're sensing another W
for team Calvin.

Don't refer to yourself
in the third person.

And don't be a sore loser.

All right? Excuse me,
I'm going to restroom.

It's a close one.

Jacob's good. Jacob's good.

[cell phone buzzing]

[whispers] Oh, this is bad,
bad, bad...

Hey, Simon.

Can you just, uh,

tell Calvin that I
started feeling really bad

and I had to leave
and I'll call him later?

-Yeah.
-Great, thanks.

[cell phone buzzes]

Hey, Simon, man,
did you see where Lauren went?

She said she wasn't feeling well
and that she'd call you.

What, she just took off?
Did she look sick?

She seemed kind of pale,
I guess?

[sighs]

[doorbell rings]

Oh, wow, Jacob,
hey, come in!

Hey, tech geek to the rescue.

I don't know, you don't look
like a geek to me, Jacob.

You OK?

The computer's just
in the bedroom upstairs.

O...kay.

So, where's Cal?

Oh... Cal didn't tell you?

Yeah, we broke up
last night.

Everything was just
moving too fast.

It's OK though.
We're still friends.

Really?

So...

this is the one
that's giving me trouble.

So, is it running slowly
or not at all?

Slowly. But then it freezes
and then I have to

shut the whole thing off
and start over again.

It's-it's infuriating.

It sounds like you just need
to clean up your hard drive,

maybe run a de-frag.

Let me clean
some stuff up here

to see if that
fixes the problem.

-Thanks.
-Mm-hmm.

I'm lucky to have a bonafide
computer genius to help me.

[kisses cheek]

Yeah, that's me.

Wow.

What?

Oh, your-your shoulders
are really tight.

When was the last time
you had a massage?

Oh, my God, [chuckles]
I don't know. Never.

Danielle doesn't give you
shoulder rubs?

No.

Here, unbutton this,
let me get in there.

Oh, God, that feels good.

[cell phone buzzes]

Oh...

[clears throat]

[sighs] Just need to let
the de-frag run a little while.

Takes a bit.

Thanks.

So, you and Calvin
are definitely over?

[sighs]

[scoffs] I just want this
whole thing to be over.

[sighs] I'm so confused.

I just...
I can't even think straight.

Broke up?

-[sighs]
-Hey, hey, it's OK.

Everything is OK.
I'm here.

Yeah.

Yeah, you are, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm here.

You've, uh, you've been
a great friend, Jacob.

Yeah? All right.

I think I understand you
pretty well.

Yeah, I always
really liked you.

Oh, um... Sorry, sorry.

Just my head really hurts.
I need an aspirin.

You're the perfect woman,
Lauren.

-What?
-You're the perfect woman.

I created an app that
I sold for a ton of money
this week

and it's all about you.
The perfect woman.

I'm going to be rich
and now that Calvin
is out of the way,

I can take care of you
like you deserve.

Uhh, I'm not
the perfect woman... at all.

You have no idea
how messed up I am, actually.

Ohh, I'm so messed up, so maybe
we're perfect for each other!

-Uh, wait, hold on.
-What?

I think my phone is... yeah.

-Yeah, I did hear it...
-[mumbles]

Uh, oh... Mom?

-Yeah, I'm, um...
-Lauren?

You don't have
to tease me anymore.

I'm already
crazy about you.

I knew... I always knew
we would be together,
I just knew it!

What the hell
is going on in here?

Oh, my God,
Calvin.

Oh... Nothing, nothing.

Absolutely nothing.
Oh my-- I'm so sorry.

It was the competition
and I was trying to win.

Uh, isn't life
really a competition?

Wait... [grunts]

Dude, you guys broke up!

You're a pig, man!
What's wrong with you?

You're supposed to be
my best friend.

Ohh! I'm the pig?

Is that how
we're gonna play it?

-What about you?
-What about me?

Oh, perfect freakin'
undefeated Calvin Chesney

never does anything wrong,
does he?

Or does he?

Huh, maybe we should
ask Gena what she thinks?

Jake, don't.

Gena?
What is he talking about?

-[chuckles]
-Don't.

Calvin slept with your
sister back in law school.

-Oh!
-[gasps]

-Lauren, Lauren, wait a minute.
-No.

I didn't...

Why did you do that, man?
What's wrong with you?

-You should have told her.
-I didn't sleep with Gena!

-Really?
-Really.

No, no, that summer

you guys were all
flirty and stuff.

You guys acted
like you did!

No, man!
We went on a few dates,

but we're friends
for Christ's sake.

Yeah, yeah, I see what
I did there. Sorry, my bad.

Yeah, sorry about your lip.

[groans]

-Lauren!
-Oh, that hurts.

Lauren! Lauren?

Are you OK? What happened?

Why didn't you tell me
the truth?

What? Oh no, no, no, no.

He-- Look, he told me
as soon as he met you

that he didn't want
to make partner

just for getting you
to shut the blog down.

-Wh-what?
-What?

Oh no, no--
Oh, that's nothing.

-What's your thing?
-[scoffs] Why did you lie to me

-about sleeping with Calvin?
-I didn't sleep with Calvin.

[scoffs] Right, you didn't.

No! I didn't.

I-- We went on
a couple dates

-in law school.
-Then why didn't
you say anything?

Because I didn't think
you needed to know.

It was a long time ago,
it was nothing!

You know, Gena,
you're such a slut.

Excuse me?

I enjoy my life
the way it is,

and I don't need
to answer to you,

and I didn't sleep
with Calvin.

Why would you send me
someone you know
is so wonderful

you know I would
fall in love with him?

What, are you-are you
trying to hurt me?

I'm sorry.

I knew how wonderful
he was.

I knew you'd fall
in love with him.

I was just trying
to help.

Well, I guess your instincts
are about as great as mine.

You know, I came on
to Jacob tonight.

What, why?

It was the last challenge

and, God, I wanted to win,
you know?

And I knew he had
a crush on me

and I knew
he would go for it,

and Calvin came in at the...
oh, worst moment!

He's not going
to forgive me.

-Come here.
-[sobbing]
I messed this up so bad.

Come here.

[coughing]

[sighs]

[sighs] I'm sorry I called you
a slut, that was stupid.

That's all right.
It takes one to know one.

-[sighs]
-[doorbell rings]

[laughing]

Guess who got hitched!?

We wanted to call!

-But my heart could not wait!
-But Alejandro insisted.

It was a field with
a crescendo of grass
for my...

beloved...

-So, we got...
-[together] Married!

[laughter]

Mom, really?

-[sighs]
-Oh, no, what happened?

Oh, you know,
Gena and Calvin...

Gena, how could you?

Oh, it was a long time ago,
they just didn't tell me.

[mom] Really, Gena?
Do you have to sleep

-with every man in Portland?
-I did not sleep with him!

The thing is, you know,
I just...

I really love him.

My heart is, was, so...

full.

You know, it takes time
to adjust to the fullness.

He's probably really,
really hurt.

Yeah, but the thing is,
did you intend to hurt him?

-No, no.
-Would you do it again?

-No, never.
-So, that's fine!

He will forgive you.

That's the beautiful fantastic
thing about love.

You understand?

Yeah. Well, the thing is,

he's been lying to me
the whole time.

So... [sighs]

How can I trust him?

I have an idea.

Lauren,

you are going to
have to trust me.

-Oh... trust you?
-[sent text alert]

Yeah. You're just going to
have to do it.

And this, all this
needs to be cleaned up,

uh, Alejandro will you
move the cars outside

-so they can't be seen?
-Of course.

And Mom? Help me
close these curtains.

And Lauren, you just
stay here and stay quiet.

G, what are you up to?

I'm the one who started
all this.

Just give me a chance
to make it right, please?

[sighs]

OK, do your worst.

OK.

♪ No more fierce blue eyes ♪

♪ No more last goodbyes ♪

♪ No more patronizing ♪

[doorbell rings]

♪ No more alibis ♪

[knocking,
doorbell ringing rapidly]

♪ No more do or die ♪

♪ The stakes are in the skies ♪

Please tell me you didn't
drive over here like that?

Mm. I took an Uber.

Good boy.

Oh, is that what this is...
a work call?

Yeah, I thought
we could go over

the husband's testimony again,

you know, see if there's
anything we missed.

[groans] I don't feel
like working tonight, Gena.

[Gena]
Yeah, I can see that.

I'm glad
you called, though.

I need a place to stay.

Of course. You know
I'm always here for you.

You want to tell me
what happened?

You're really pretty.

You're drunk. Why don't you
tell me what happened?

[groans]

The competition.
The last competition.

Your sister thought

it would be a kick

to challenge my best friend
using herself as bait.

[Gena] Ouch,
that must have stung.

Yeah.

Did he go for it?

Yeah, he went for it.

[scoffs] I don't know.

Maybe... maybe Lauren's
right about people.

Did she get his underwear?

-What?
-Isn't that a rule?

Yeah,

but no, she...
she didn't get it.

-I interrupted them.
-Oh.

Well, then I guess, technically,
the challenge isn't over yet.

No, no, it's over.

Oh. Well, then cheers
to it being over.

[Calvin] Do you think
all men are pigs?

I think all men can be
and so can all women.

It's a choice we make
every day.

What about me?
Am I a pig?

I think you can be
if you choose.

If I choose.

Exactly.

Aww, you're hurt.

Mm.

Hey, um, you got
a glass for this?

I hate drinking
from the bottle.

[clears throat]

-Boo.
-Oh, hi.

It's really hot in here.
I don't think you need this.

OK.

You know, Cal,
there is a reason

you were so willing
to come over here tonight.

-There is?
-Yeah, you know it,
if you think about it.

If you're honest
with yourself.

You and me are like
the same person, Cal,

and people like Lauren,
they have strict rules

that control their lives,
you know.

They need those rules
to feel safe.

And people like us?

We don't have rules.

We just listen to our wants
and desires and follow them.

No right or wrong,
just instinct.

-[mumbling]
-Shh.

Wait what was that,
did you hear something?

There's a TV on upstairs.

Remember that summer
we spent together?

-Yeah.
-Remember how good that felt?

-Yeah.
-No strings, just instinct.

No one has to know.

Stop.

Stop right there.

This isn't happening.

What's not happening?

This! Me and you.

Because even if nobody knows
that you did a bad thing,

it's still a bad thing.

And this, this, Gena,
is a very, very bad thing.

You know,
you're wrong about me,

because I believe in love,
I believe in romance.

I believe
in the soulful chemistry

between two people
that just can't be explained.

I believe in bourbon,
you know?

I believe in black coffee,
strong black coffee.

I believe in getting
eight hours of sleep at night,

and doing at least one thing
to better yourself every day.

I believe the practice of law
is fundamentally imperfect,

but we do the best we can,
and sometimes we do good.

I believe that hook-up
websites prey on people's
fears of inadequacy,

novels are always better
than movies,

and no formula,
scientific or otherwise,

can determine with absolute
certainty if someone
is going to cheat or not!

Yes, I believe in instincts.

But unlike you, I know
there is right and wrong,

and the wrong thing here
is to indulge you

in whatever this is,
because, A, you're my boss now,

and as weirdly hot
as that might be,

it jeopardizes everything
I've worked for
and it's also illegal.

B, if it was ever going
to work out between us, Gena,

it already would have
a long time ago.

And C, because you used me
for this stupid little scheme
of yours.

I met Lauren.

I love her.

OK?

I love her.

She's everything I want
in a partner.

She's beautiful, she's smart,
she's quirky...

Yes, she's stubborn,
but that's because
she knows what she wants.

At least, she thinks she does,
and I think that's adorable.

She loves pizza and hiking
and sleeping in on Sunday.

Her interests are just different
enough from mine

that we'll always be able
to show each other new things.

And I get butterflies when
I know I'm about to see her.

And no, she's not perfect.

But she's perfect for me.

And I don't care
what I have to do
or how long it takes.

I'm going to prove it
to her.

You just did.

Congratulations, Cal,
you were the last challenger.

You had to be, and you won.

Lauren, hi.

You love me?

With everything I got.

[sighs]

I love you, too.

-OK... OK.
-[chuckles]

So, what do you say
we put all this behind us
and start again, huh?

No expiration date.

[sighs]

-[bottle pops open]
-To love!

laughter]

-He is very excitable.
-He is.

[laughter]

♪ I can't see
the forest, is it green? ♪

♪ Is the ocean blue? ♪

♪ I can't see the sky ♪

♪ Is it orange cream? ♪

♪ All I can see is you ♪

♪ La da da di da da ♪

-Hi.
-Hi, I just,

I love the new direction
of your blog.

It's so inspiring,
the book is amazing.

Life is tough,
but love is stronger.

-A-men.
-[chuckles]

Thank you.

It's so great,
and I love your new vision.

I really love
being a White Knight.

[chuckles] Yeah.
It's more of an expanded
thought, really, but...

Never mind.

-I'm glad you like it, thanks.
-Thank you.

Hey. Do we have a few more
of those back there?

Because they are going fast.
Great.

Hello there!

Don't tell me
you two read the blog,

because that makes no sense.
Oh... [laughs] Mom does.

Hi, Mom!

♪ La da da di da da ♪

♪ La da da di da ♪

OK, you ready?

Let's do this!

[chuckles]

["Joyride" plays]

♪ You never thought
you'd ever move to ♪

♪ Another place in time ♪

♪ If your world's
a million colors ♪

♪ Not so black and white ♪

♪ You want a road
that takes you higher ♪

♪ Your soul has never
been so bright ♪

♪ Green eyes, suitcase,
city lights ♪

♪ It's gonna be a joyride ♪

♪ Joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place
you've never been ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you
that'll be just fine ♪

♪ It's gonna be a joyride ♪

♪ Joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place
you've never seen ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you that'll be
just fine ♪

♪ You step out
into the ocean ♪

♪ And feel the summer breeze ♪

♪ You hold
your part right open ♪

♪ And raise your company ♪

♪ A little lust
A little trust ♪

♪ You know that everything
is gonna be all right ♪

♪ A little lust
A little trust ♪

♪ Just enough ♪

♪ Just enough
to make you mine ♪

♪ Joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place
you've never been ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you it'll be
just fine ♪

♪ It's gonna be a joyride ♪

♪ Joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place
you've never seen ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you that'll be
just fine ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ I see you ♪

♪ Standing in the ocean ♪

♪ Just beneath the harbor ♪

♪ Holding on to your... ♪

♪ It's gonna be a joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place
you've never been ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you it'll be
just fine ♪

♪ It's gonna be a joyride ♪

♪ Joyride ♪

♪ Take you to the place
you've never seen ♪

♪ It's gonna be one ride ♪

♪ One ride ♪

♪ Tell you
that'll be just fine ♪

♪ My heart aches for you ♪

♪ And only ♪

♪ My heart aches for you ♪

♪ And only ♪