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- sync and corrections by Mr. C -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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Haw-haw!
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00:00:07,110 --> 00:00:08,309
D'oh!
4
00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,593
It was the biggest scandal
5
00:00:59,629 --> 00:01:02,596
in the history of Springfield sports.
6
00:01:02,632 --> 00:01:05,966
Never has someone fallen from
such heights to such lows,
7
00:01:06,002 --> 00:01:08,969
except maybe for that
tightrope walker who sneezed.
8
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That was terrible.
9
00:01:12,074 --> 00:01:15,075
This situation is a disgusting mockery
10
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of a repulsive joke that would
make me sick to my stomach
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if there was there was
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one good restaurant in this town,
13
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which there is not!
14
00:01:22,752 --> 00:01:25,586
There is nothing to vomit.
15
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And all because
of one young man.
16
00:01:28,624 --> 00:01:30,991
Okay, so I shaved points in basketball.
17
00:01:31,027 --> 00:01:33,460
Just don't make a big production of it.
18
00:01:33,496 --> 00:01:36,230
This is 22 for 30.
19
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My son is a handful.
20
00:01:48,044 --> 00:01:49,844
Can you say that on TV?
21
00:01:49,879 --> 00:01:53,147
No one ever thought he'd work
for gamblers with the mob.
22
00:01:53,182 --> 00:01:55,683
I always thought he'd work
for gamblers with the mob.
23
00:01:55,718 --> 00:01:57,585
In the morning, we saw the horrors
24
00:01:57,620 --> 00:01:59,787
of the beaches at Iwo Jima.
25
00:01:59,822 --> 00:02:01,622
This is a sports documentary.
26
00:02:01,657 --> 00:02:03,190
I'm getting there!
27
00:02:03,226 --> 00:02:05,092
In my unit, they called
me "Quarterback."
28
00:02:05,127 --> 00:02:08,095
Because when I borrowed a
quarter, I never gave it back.
29
00:02:08,130 --> 00:02:13,100
At the end of the war, I had
a buck 75, and no friends.
30
00:02:13,135 --> 00:02:15,102
I remember
it like it was yesterday.
31
00:02:15,137 --> 00:02:17,037
Or maybe the day before that.
32
00:02:17,073 --> 00:02:19,039
It all started with a prank.
33
00:02:19,075 --> 00:02:21,342
Bart had no idea where it would lead.
34
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This voice is scaring me.
35
00:02:23,713 --> 00:02:25,246
I need Puppy Goo-Goo!
36
00:02:26,749 --> 00:02:28,883
Safety kiss!
37
00:02:28,918 --> 00:02:31,118
I think I'll be okay.
38
00:02:31,153 --> 00:02:33,153
I love you.
39
00:02:34,523 --> 00:02:37,057
Yeah, so here was the
quote, unquote "prank."
40
00:02:37,093 --> 00:02:40,527
Bart sent out a memo telling
everyone to wear white
41
00:02:40,563 --> 00:02:44,064
for some nonsense called
Polar Bear Remembrance Day.
42
00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:45,633
Yes.
43
00:02:45,668 --> 00:02:48,002
Then the little dickens sent Skin-ner
44
00:02:48,037 --> 00:02:50,638
a different memo telling him to wear
45
00:02:50,673 --> 00:02:54,642
a floral shirt in honor of
King Kamehameha's birthday.
46
00:02:54,677 --> 00:02:57,278
Had it ended there, fine.
47
00:02:57,313 --> 00:02:59,179
Pleasant conclusion to a busy week.
48
00:02:59,215 --> 00:03:01,215
But it didn't end there.
49
00:03:01,250 --> 00:03:03,050
Now don't worry,
50
00:03:03,085 --> 00:03:05,853
all the bees want are flowers.
51
00:03:09,125 --> 00:03:10,591
Willie, kill the bees!
52
00:03:10,626 --> 00:03:13,193
Not till I hear their side of it.
53
00:03:13,229 --> 00:03:17,097
Bart received the
longest detention in history.
54
00:03:17,133 --> 00:03:19,900
Bored, he began to shoot baskets,
55
00:03:19,936 --> 00:03:23,337
a talent that would irrevocably
make his life better.
56
00:03:23,372 --> 00:03:25,406
Then worse, then better, then the same.
57
00:03:25,441 --> 00:03:27,741
♪ Wish I had a rabbit
in a hat with a bat ♪
58
00:03:27,777 --> 00:03:29,310
♪ And a '64 Impala ♪
59
00:03:29,345 --> 00:03:31,045
♪ I wish I was, like, six-foot-nine ♪
60
00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:33,714
♪ So I can get with Leoshi,
'cause she don't know me ♪
61
00:03:33,749 --> 00:03:35,182
♪ But, yo, she's really fine ♪
62
00:03:35,217 --> 00:03:36,717
♪ You know I see her all the time ♪
63
00:03:36,752 --> 00:03:38,218
♪ Everywhere I go, and
even in my dreams ♪
64
00:03:38,254 --> 00:03:39,753
♪ I can scheme up ways
to make her mine ♪
65
00:03:39,789 --> 00:03:41,355
♪ 'Cause I know she's livin' phat ♪
66
00:03:41,390 --> 00:03:43,123
♪ Her boyfriend's tall
and he plays ball ♪
67
00:03:43,159 --> 00:03:45,025
♪ So how am I gonna compete with that? ♪
68
00:03:45,061 --> 00:03:47,628
A troubled young man who
was good at basketball.
69
00:03:47,663 --> 00:03:49,229
I'd never heard of such a thing.
70
00:03:49,265 --> 00:03:50,531
Of course, his detention was commuted,
71
00:03:50,566 --> 00:03:52,499
and he was made a starter on the team.
72
00:03:54,370 --> 00:03:56,570
That's my son! My son!
73
00:03:56,605 --> 00:03:58,405
Which is, of course,
another version of me!
74
00:04:00,376 --> 00:04:02,943
Him! Me! Us! Me!
75
00:04:02,979 --> 00:04:06,447
Everywhere Bart went,
he was given star treatment.
76
00:04:06,482 --> 00:04:08,082
At school...
77
00:04:15,524 --> 00:04:17,491
...at the public pool...
78
00:04:20,196 --> 00:04:22,262
It's really not that dangerous.
79
00:04:24,533 --> 00:04:26,400
...with local merchants.
80
00:04:26,435 --> 00:04:28,168
Oh, young basketball star,
81
00:04:28,204 --> 00:04:30,004
I have something special for you.
82
00:04:30,039 --> 00:04:33,040
The new 7,200-ounce Squishy.
83
00:04:33,075 --> 00:04:36,176
But not everyone was
celebrating the Bart-mitzvah.
84
00:04:36,212 --> 00:04:38,278
write an article
85
00:04:38,314 --> 00:04:41,181
on the school's new hero, Bart Simpson.
86
00:04:41,217 --> 00:04:42,816
This is worse than
87
00:04:42,852 --> 00:04:45,419
when we were square-dance
partners in gym.
88
00:04:45,454 --> 00:04:47,087
♪ Grab your partner nice and slow ♪
89
00:04:47,123 --> 00:04:48,322
♪ Allemande left and ♪
90
00:04:48,357 --> 00:04:51,425
♪ Do-si-doh. ♪
91
00:04:51,460 --> 00:04:53,660
♪ That's the last time I had work ♪
92
00:04:53,696 --> 00:04:55,429
♪ Now I'm just a homeless jerk ♪
93
00:04:55,464 --> 00:04:56,898
♪ Allemande left and
prance to the right ♪
94
00:04:56,900 --> 00:04:59,666
♪ I need a place to spend the night. ♪
95
00:04:59,702 --> 00:05:01,568
Springfield had never won
96
00:05:01,604 --> 00:05:04,004
a championship in any sport.
97
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:06,073
The only banner on the gym wall
98
00:05:06,108 --> 00:05:08,142
was one that came with the building.
99
00:05:08,177 --> 00:05:10,277
But now, there was a shot.
100
00:05:10,312 --> 00:05:13,213
I was so proud of Bart,
I did anything I could
101
00:05:13,249 --> 00:05:14,615
to help him practice.
102
00:05:14,650 --> 00:05:16,316
Mm!
103
00:05:16,352 --> 00:05:17,684
But then it happened.
104
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,353
Fame went to Bart's head.
105
00:05:19,388 --> 00:05:22,689
Just once, I'd like to see
science go to his head.
106
00:05:22,725 --> 00:05:25,726
He's got more D's than Dolly Parton!
107
00:05:25,761 --> 00:05:28,228
I'm not sure what that means,
but please use the joke.
108
00:05:28,264 --> 00:05:30,431
I paid someone 25 bucks for it.
109
00:05:31,567 --> 00:05:34,034
Bart Simpson, can ya
please join the team?
110
00:05:34,070 --> 00:05:36,170
Man, I am the team.
111
00:05:36,205 --> 00:05:37,671
Aw, that tears it!
112
00:05:37,706 --> 00:05:39,206
I'm not coaching anymore!
113
00:05:39,241 --> 00:05:41,075
I'm going back to what I love doing:
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00:05:41,110 --> 00:05:43,477
drowning gophers.
115
00:05:46,015 --> 00:05:47,948
Ah! What was that for?!
116
00:05:47,983 --> 00:05:50,250
Our new coach will be parent-volunteer
117
00:05:50,286 --> 00:05:52,252
and Bart owner, Homer Simpson.
118
00:05:53,656 --> 00:05:54,855
Do you know anything about basketball?
119
00:05:54,890 --> 00:05:55,856
Why the change?
120
00:05:55,891 --> 00:05:57,591
What is your basketball philosophy?
121
00:05:57,626 --> 00:06:00,594
Shower at home so no one
makes fun of your weenie.
122
00:06:00,629 --> 00:06:03,097
I learned that from the
late great Red Auerbach.
123
00:06:03,132 --> 00:06:05,165
No more questions!
124
00:06:05,201 --> 00:06:06,633
D'oh!
125
00:06:06,669 --> 00:06:09,169
What the hell is that
thing doing in a gym?!
126
00:06:09,205 --> 00:06:10,804
Your new coach, everybody!
127
00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:13,173
Bart got a coach who would kiss his butt
128
00:06:13,209 --> 00:06:16,009
like one cheek was Kobe
and the other Kareem.
129
00:06:16,045 --> 00:06:18,679
Well, there is no "I" in "team."
130
00:06:18,714 --> 00:06:20,681
There's no "U" in "effort."
131
00:06:20,716 --> 00:06:22,282
There's no "X" in "dog"!
132
00:06:22,318 --> 00:06:24,351
What do Oscar the
Grouch's feet look like?
133
00:06:24,386 --> 00:06:25,552
Nobody knows!
134
00:06:25,588 --> 00:06:28,388
I have a TV for Bart Simpson.
135
00:06:28,424 --> 00:06:30,958
Just put it with the others.
136
00:06:30,993 --> 00:06:33,260
I'm worried he's getting
a little spoiled.
137
00:06:33,295 --> 00:06:35,496
Oh, that's ridiculous.
138
00:06:35,531 --> 00:06:37,364
Excuse me, sir.
139
00:06:37,399 --> 00:06:40,033
Bart says no unauthorized photography.
140
00:06:40,069 --> 00:06:42,369
Don't look directly at him!
141
00:06:49,745 --> 00:06:51,411
As Bart's showboating veered
142
00:06:51,447 --> 00:06:53,547
ever closer to globetrotting,
143
00:06:53,582 --> 00:06:55,282
the disrespect grew.
144
00:06:55,317 --> 00:06:56,884
Can you clean that for me, Coach?
145
00:06:56,919 --> 00:06:58,785
And that, and that, and those,
146
00:06:58,821 --> 00:07:00,821
and that, and that.
147
00:07:00,856 --> 00:07:02,956
What are you looking at?
148
00:07:02,992 --> 00:07:04,892
What the...?!
149
00:07:04,927 --> 00:07:07,461
But after one
showboat shot too many,
150
00:07:07,496 --> 00:07:11,698
Homer Simpson had something
he'd never had before: enough.
151
00:07:11,734 --> 00:07:15,269
Uh, son, some of the other
parents are complaining.
152
00:07:15,304 --> 00:07:17,271
Apparently, they're
attached to their children,
153
00:07:17,306 --> 00:07:19,406
and they want to see
them touch the ball.
154
00:07:19,441 --> 00:07:21,675
They can touch it in the team photo.
155
00:07:21,710 --> 00:07:23,777
I'm going to draw up a play.
156
00:07:23,812 --> 00:07:25,646
One where you pass.
157
00:07:25,681 --> 00:07:28,482
Why don't you pass a physical,
you boozy bag of goo.
158
00:07:28,517 --> 00:07:31,318
Marge is right. You're getting spoiled!
159
00:07:31,353 --> 00:07:34,054
Before you strangle me, maybe you
should check the scoreboard.
160
00:07:36,325 --> 00:07:38,192
I'm your dad and your coach.
161
00:07:38,227 --> 00:07:40,194
And because no one else
would, your godfather.
162
00:07:40,229 --> 00:07:41,962
So hit the bench!
163
00:07:42,059 --> 00:07:44,596
When we return,
the interesting part.
164
00:07:45,815 --> 00:07:48,165
From now on, you're going
to be a team player.
165
00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:50,079
No more important than anyone.
166
00:07:50,081 --> 00:07:51,280
Except Milhouse.
167
00:07:51,315 --> 00:07:53,515
I'm on the team 'cause it's my ball.
168
00:07:53,551 --> 00:07:55,784
Certain people
had begun to notice
169
00:07:55,820 --> 00:07:57,986
Bart's unhappiness.
170
00:07:58,022 --> 00:08:02,191
People with criminal backgrounds.
171
00:08:02,226 --> 00:08:05,160
They had more records than Dolly Parton.
172
00:08:05,196 --> 00:08:08,831
Man, that is a joke
that keeps on giving.
173
00:08:08,866 --> 00:08:10,933
This is gonna break my heart, but...
174
00:08:12,570 --> 00:08:15,070
Yeah, the kid was ripe for
criminal exploitation.
175
00:08:15,106 --> 00:08:17,740
And in this town, the
other cops are pathetic.
176
00:08:17,775 --> 00:08:20,142
Fat, lazy. You want to find one?
177
00:08:20,177 --> 00:08:23,512
Just follow the sound of a
milkshake being sucked.
178
00:08:29,286 --> 00:08:31,186
There's no belt that fits me.
179
00:08:31,222 --> 00:08:33,689
I'm wearing police tape around my waist.
180
00:08:33,724 --> 00:08:37,426
I saw the kid was upset,
so I took him for cannoli.
181
00:08:37,461 --> 00:08:38,694
That's not a crime.
182
00:08:38,729 --> 00:08:40,562
You don't
know what a crime is.
183
00:08:40,598 --> 00:08:42,931
Not that I'd know what a crime is.
184
00:08:44,368 --> 00:08:46,168
What's with all the psst-psst-psst?
185
00:08:46,203 --> 00:08:49,505
Have you sprung a leak,
or do you want to?
186
00:08:49,540 --> 00:08:51,540
I don't think
that's advisable to say that.
187
00:08:51,575 --> 00:08:54,443
I've been told I was just kidding.
188
00:08:54,478 --> 00:08:57,613
Fat Tony, enjoy this-a
cannoli on-a the house.
189
00:08:57,648 --> 00:09:01,016
It's like eating the
bone-a marrow of an angel.
190
00:09:01,051 --> 00:09:03,051
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
191
00:09:03,087 --> 00:09:06,021
They talked about
life and basketball,
192
00:09:06,056 --> 00:09:09,024
a game Fat Tony had always loved.
193
00:09:09,059 --> 00:09:11,393
Basketball is just like life.
194
00:09:11,428 --> 00:09:14,897
It's filled with a court,
shooting and guards.
195
00:09:16,433 --> 00:09:19,368
Basketball is nothing like life.
196
00:09:19,403 --> 00:09:22,638
Fat Tony saw an
opening, and he took it.
197
00:09:22,673 --> 00:09:27,696
_
198
00:09:27,912 --> 00:09:29,378
_
199
00:09:29,413 --> 00:09:32,748
_
200
00:09:32,783 --> 00:09:34,483
_
201
00:09:34,518 --> 00:09:36,318
And at his next game,
202
00:09:36,353 --> 00:09:38,620
Bart did a very odd thing.
203
00:09:38,656 --> 00:09:41,056
And with Springfield
up by a meager one point,
204
00:09:41,091 --> 00:09:42,357
star guard Bart Simpson
205
00:09:42,393 --> 00:09:43,959
is just dribbling, he's not shooting,
206
00:09:43,994 --> 00:09:45,227
with two minutes to go.
207
00:09:52,570 --> 00:09:55,103
I don't know how, but
Homer gained 12 pounds
208
00:09:55,139 --> 00:09:56,738
chewing towels.
209
00:09:56,774 --> 00:09:58,974
I put jelly on 'em.
210
00:10:00,211 --> 00:10:02,678
Time expired!
211
00:10:02,713 --> 00:10:05,480
Bart didn't know it, but
he was point shaving.
212
00:10:05,516 --> 00:10:07,549
That's when a player wins the game,
213
00:10:07,585 --> 00:10:09,818
but makes sure his team
doesn't cover the spread.
214
00:10:09,854 --> 00:10:13,121
The team's happy, the gamblers
are happy, everybody wins.
215
00:10:13,157 --> 00:10:15,357
The only unhappy person
is someone like me,
216
00:10:15,392 --> 00:10:17,025
who has to explain the thing.
217
00:10:17,061 --> 00:10:19,962
Well, at least you'll let
me play my saxophone.
218
00:10:21,165 --> 00:10:22,731
Good thing you cut that song.
219
00:10:22,766 --> 00:10:26,602
Did you know I once took a train
halfway across Cleveland?
220
00:10:26,637 --> 00:10:28,604
This is not a video trick.
221
00:10:28,639 --> 00:10:30,172
He really just stopped moving,
222
00:10:30,207 --> 00:10:32,841
but Bart had just gotten started.
223
00:10:49,026 --> 00:10:52,127
You could be an accessory
to a crime, you know.
224
00:10:52,162 --> 00:10:53,996
Are you letting your anger at Dad
225
00:10:54,031 --> 00:10:56,665
make you into a patsy for the mob?
226
00:10:56,700 --> 00:10:58,533
Hey, Bart Simpson is nobody's patsy.
227
00:10:58,569 --> 00:11:02,504
Hey, Bart, Fat Tony says to
win by less than six points.
228
00:11:02,539 --> 00:11:05,107
Here's a list of acceptable
point differentials.
229
00:11:05,142 --> 00:11:07,342
It could be five, four, three...
230
00:11:07,378 --> 00:11:09,311
You realize you're
having this conversation
231
00:11:09,346 --> 00:11:10,712
in front of a reporter.
232
00:11:10,748 --> 00:11:12,347
Hey, I don't see no reporter.
233
00:11:12,383 --> 00:11:15,050
I see a little girl with
futile dreams of fitting in.
234
00:11:15,085 --> 00:11:18,120
Gee whiz, you don't have to be so mean.
235
00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:21,023
That's the business I'm in! Whoa! Hey!
236
00:11:33,070 --> 00:11:35,871
Shoot! Shoot! Just like I drew it up!
237
00:11:35,906 --> 00:11:37,272
Okay, here's a shot:
238
00:11:37,308 --> 00:11:40,542
you're not bald, your hair
left out of embarrassment.
239
00:11:40,577 --> 00:11:42,544
Why, you little...!
240
00:11:46,784 --> 00:11:49,685
I'll teach you to win the game!
241
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,863
You stupid buzzer-beating,
clutch-shooting...
242
00:11:51,865 --> 00:11:52,889
Oh, come on, man.
243
00:11:52,923 --> 00:11:54,890
- ...ice water in your veins...
- I'm taking my talents to Shelbyville.
244
00:11:54,925 --> 00:11:56,825
...here comes the post-game interview!
245
00:11:56,860 --> 00:11:59,328
- You have to give them credit...
- This is the first thing you've done as a coach.
246
00:11:59,363 --> 00:12:01,029
...they played hard!
247
00:12:01,065 --> 00:12:03,065
- People are gonna hear about this, Dad.
- I'm so proud of these boys,
248
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:05,901
- and especially our sixth man...
- You're still nicer than Bobby Knight.
249
00:12:05,936 --> 00:12:07,069
...the fans!
250
00:12:07,104 --> 00:12:09,104
All right, let me hear your side.
251
00:12:09,139 --> 00:12:11,707
Sorry, my side is
exclusive to my charity,
252
00:12:11,742 --> 00:12:13,275
The American Fart Association.
253
00:12:13,310 --> 00:12:14,409
Why, you little...!
254
00:12:20,417 --> 00:12:22,050
Checkmate.
255
00:12:23,854 --> 00:12:25,354
D'oh!
256
00:12:25,389 --> 00:12:28,056
But the boy who could
spin a ball with his doodle
257
00:12:28,092 --> 00:12:30,425
was about to learn a very tough lesson.
258
00:12:33,897 --> 00:12:35,697
_
259
00:12:35,733 --> 00:12:39,873
_
260
00:12:40,004 --> 00:12:41,570
_
261
00:12:41,605 --> 00:12:44,606
Fat Tony denied
he'd made any money,
262
00:12:44,641 --> 00:12:48,477
but this FBI footage suggests otherwise.
263
00:12:48,512 --> 00:12:50,278
I thought I was just
keeping the score down
264
00:12:50,314 --> 00:12:51,613
to get back at my Dad,
265
00:12:51,648 --> 00:12:54,216
but Fat Tony was betting
against us, every game.
266
00:12:54,251 --> 00:12:55,984
I was a patsy.
267
00:12:56,020 --> 00:12:57,552
Ow! She didn't mean that.
268
00:12:57,588 --> 00:12:59,988
D'oh! Ow! Ow!
269
00:13:06,109 --> 00:13:08,857
I was scared, Milhouse scared.
270
00:13:08,859 --> 00:13:11,312
Why do you keep cutting to me?
271
00:13:11,314 --> 00:13:13,000
And then it got worse.
272
00:13:13,039 --> 00:13:15,073
Fat Tony told me to lose the finals.
273
00:13:15,108 --> 00:13:18,276
Not win by a little, but lose or else.
274
00:13:18,311 --> 00:13:19,410
"Or else"?
275
00:13:19,446 --> 00:13:21,646
My client does not speak like that.
276
00:13:21,681 --> 00:13:24,749
Yeah, now drop the subject, or else.
277
00:13:24,785 --> 00:13:27,318
Edit that out, or else.
278
00:13:27,354 --> 00:13:30,321
I-I'm gonna stop talking... or else.
279
00:13:30,357 --> 00:13:31,456
Damn it.
280
00:13:31,491 --> 00:13:33,992
What did Fat Tony say to Bart?
281
00:13:34,027 --> 00:13:37,595
His capo, Johnny Tightlips,
refused to talk.
282
00:13:41,468 --> 00:13:43,868
Anyone here own a black
Lincoln Continental,
283
00:13:43,904 --> 00:13:46,304
license plate, "Zero to Say"?
284
00:13:46,339 --> 00:13:47,472
It's being towed.
285
00:13:47,507 --> 00:13:48,706
Sir, you're the only one here.
286
00:13:48,742 --> 00:13:50,208
I saw you get out of it.
287
00:13:50,243 --> 00:13:51,643
Yeah, maybe it is. Maybe I am.
288
00:13:51,678 --> 00:13:53,044
Maybe you did. Or maybe it's not.
289
00:13:53,079 --> 00:13:54,546
And I'm not, and you didn't.
290
00:13:54,581 --> 00:13:56,114
But you didn't hear this,
that, or the other thing.
291
00:13:56,149 --> 00:13:57,215
Or maybe you did.
292
00:13:57,250 --> 00:14:00,118
Hey! My granny's in there!
293
00:14:00,153 --> 00:14:02,620
Shaving points was one thing,
but he wanted me to lose.
294
00:14:02,656 --> 00:14:05,857
I let down my team. I let down my town.
295
00:14:14,501 --> 00:14:18,436
So, I guess this is where
I break down and cry.
296
00:14:21,908 --> 00:14:24,209
Hey, I'm the one who's supposed to cry.
297
00:14:24,244 --> 00:14:26,678
No. This is my story.
298
00:14:26,713 --> 00:14:27,679
Tighten on me.
299
00:14:27,714 --> 00:14:29,013
Tighten on me.
300
00:14:29,049 --> 00:14:31,649
Fine. Tighten on him
then rack focus to me.
301
00:14:31,685 --> 00:14:34,319
Dad, this is supposed to be
about us getting together.
302
00:14:34,354 --> 00:14:36,654
Fine. Tighten on him. Rack focus to me.
303
00:14:36,690 --> 00:14:37,822
Cut to a wide shot.
304
00:14:37,858 --> 00:14:38,857
Split screen with Marge.
305
00:14:38,892 --> 00:14:40,658
Truck in, nice and slow.
306
00:14:40,694 --> 00:14:43,494
Then cut to a "B" roll of me
eating a tuna fish sandwich.
307
00:14:43,530 --> 00:14:45,597
Dad, how did you learn these things?
308
00:14:45,632 --> 00:14:48,366
Son, show business is
everybody's business.
309
00:14:48,401 --> 00:14:51,236
Dutch angle, photo negative and freeze!
310
00:14:51,271 --> 00:14:54,405
I'm a excommation point!
311
00:14:54,441 --> 00:14:57,175
In the gym that night, you could
cut the tension with a knife,
312
00:14:57,210 --> 00:14:59,410
but, uh, we don't allow
knives in school,
313
00:14:59,446 --> 00:15:01,012
not even in metaphors.
314
00:15:01,047 --> 00:15:03,615
♪ We got to fight the powers that be ♪
315
00:15:03,650 --> 00:15:05,316
♪ Fight the power ♪
316
00:15:06,319 --> 00:15:08,186
♪ Fight the power. ♪
317
00:15:12,492 --> 00:15:14,692
Another
bucket by Bart Simpson!
318
00:15:14,728 --> 00:15:16,928
His sloppy play is a distant memory,
319
00:15:16,963 --> 00:15:18,363
like Nelson's father.
320
00:15:18,398 --> 00:15:19,931
Yeah, interesting side note:
321
00:15:19,966 --> 00:15:22,934
Nelson left a ticket for his
father in case he showed up.
322
00:15:22,969 --> 00:15:25,336
And he did show up, but
then he sold the ticket
323
00:15:25,372 --> 00:15:27,739
without seeing Nelson, and
he skipped town again.
324
00:15:27,774 --> 00:15:28,907
You believe that?
325
00:15:28,942 --> 00:15:30,942
Rejected!
326
00:15:30,977 --> 00:15:32,543
Like I've been rejected.
327
00:15:32,579 --> 00:15:34,145
Nothing but net!
328
00:15:34,180 --> 00:15:36,281
Which is what my mom
wears in the strip club.
329
00:15:36,316 --> 00:15:39,050
It was in the third quarter
when the game really got weird,
330
00:15:39,085 --> 00:15:41,452
and I got a low bar for weird.
331
00:15:43,590 --> 00:15:45,957
Bart went to shoot, and took a hard foul
332
00:15:45,992 --> 00:15:47,458
from his own best friend.
333
00:15:59,940 --> 00:16:04,342
Let's just say Bart wasn't the
only one Fat Tony had gotten to.
334
00:16:04,377 --> 00:16:06,844
This was my bobblehead.
335
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:11,115
They got to him, in my
bedroom, where he bobbled.
336
00:16:11,151 --> 00:16:13,084
Hey, let's just say that bobblehead
337
00:16:13,119 --> 00:16:15,620
won't be attending no
more giveaway days.
338
00:16:15,655 --> 00:16:17,488
You keep shooting your mouth,
339
00:16:17,524 --> 00:16:20,992
you'll wind up in that building
going up on Third Street.
340
00:16:21,027 --> 00:16:23,962
It's a Third Street address, but
actually you enter on Lincoln.
341
00:16:23,997 --> 00:16:26,264
Yet another secret revealed!
342
00:16:26,299 --> 00:16:28,766
I'm sorry, Dad. I was a jerk.
343
00:16:28,802 --> 00:16:30,501
The good thing about being a kid
344
00:16:30,537 --> 00:16:33,938
is you get to make mistakes so
you don't make them as an adult.
345
00:16:33,974 --> 00:16:35,206
Thanks, Dad.
346
00:16:35,241 --> 00:16:36,941
But don't you still make mistakes?
347
00:16:36,977 --> 00:16:40,178
The best one was you, son. Aw.
348
00:16:40,213 --> 00:16:41,779
Now go win that game!
349
00:16:41,815 --> 00:16:43,815
And win he did.
350
00:16:45,885 --> 00:16:48,453
He blew our net budget
for the next ten years.
351
00:16:50,590 --> 00:16:53,157
But not everyone was cheering.
352
00:16:53,193 --> 00:16:54,559
Is he going for a gun?
353
00:16:54,594 --> 00:16:55,560
Oh.
354
00:16:55,595 --> 00:16:57,462
Get me a gun.
355
00:16:57,497 --> 00:16:59,130
We thought we were goners.
356
00:16:59,165 --> 00:17:01,799
Our lives flashed before our eyes.
357
00:17:01,835 --> 00:17:03,835
I had a lot of crazy jobs.
358
00:17:03,870 --> 00:17:06,537
And then the cavalry came
on her stupid high horse.
359
00:17:06,573 --> 00:17:07,872
Let them go.
360
00:17:07,907 --> 00:17:11,042
Really? And what do you have on me?
361
00:17:11,077 --> 00:17:12,210
The goods.
362
00:17:12,245 --> 00:17:14,245
The goods? Oh, that sounds bad.
363
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:16,814
Fat Tony, may I speak to you in Italian?
364
00:17:16,850 --> 00:17:18,649
I don't know Italian.
365
00:17:18,685 --> 00:17:19,917
How about Sicilian?
366
00:17:19,953 --> 00:17:21,219
That's a language?
367
00:17:21,254 --> 00:17:22,887
How about I say it like Porky Pig?
368
00:17:22,922 --> 00:17:24,322
E-ba-dee, e-ba-dee, e-ba-dee,
e-ba-dee, e-ba-dee...
369
00:17:24,357 --> 00:17:25,823
Say what you got to say.
370
00:17:25,859 --> 00:17:28,659
Turns out I'm the hero
of this documentary.
371
00:17:28,695 --> 00:17:30,361
I think that deserves a chyron.
372
00:17:32,298 --> 00:17:34,732
It happens that Fat Tony had a secret,
373
00:17:34,768 --> 00:17:37,935
a secret I had uncovered with
a little bit of research.
374
00:17:37,971 --> 00:17:40,872
I wondered, if Fat Tony
liked basketball so much,
375
00:17:40,907 --> 00:17:42,273
why didn't he play?
376
00:17:42,308 --> 00:17:44,108
Turns out he had.
377
00:17:44,144 --> 00:17:46,244
For a girls' team.
378
00:17:46,279 --> 00:17:49,514
And if there's one thing a
Mafia boss doesn't want known,
379
00:17:49,549 --> 00:17:52,016
it's that he was the
third-string shooting guard
380
00:17:52,052 --> 00:17:54,052
on the Springfield Little Debbies.
381
00:17:56,322 --> 00:17:58,423
You keep quiet about what you know.
382
00:17:58,458 --> 00:18:00,058
All of you keep quiet!
383
00:18:00,093 --> 00:18:01,592
Keep quiet about what, boss?
384
00:18:01,628 --> 00:18:02,960
The man Spanx you wear?
385
00:18:02,996 --> 00:18:05,363
Your high school
nickname, Robert DeZero?
386
00:18:05,398 --> 00:18:07,565
The way you cried at Toy Story 2?
387
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:09,200
That's not even the sad one.
388
00:18:09,235 --> 00:18:10,268
What? What?
389
00:18:10,303 --> 00:18:12,437
Why do you keep talking?
390
00:18:12,472 --> 00:18:14,305
I'm sorry. It's a nervous condition.
391
00:18:14,340 --> 00:18:17,809
Can you give me the name of
that secret shrink you see?
392
00:18:17,844 --> 00:18:19,143
So, we made a deal.
393
00:18:19,179 --> 00:18:21,646
I'd forget if Fat Tony forgave.
394
00:18:21,681 --> 00:18:23,481
But now the secret's out.
395
00:18:23,516 --> 00:18:24,949
It's in a documentary.
396
00:18:24,984 --> 00:18:27,652
No one watches those,
unless it's a documentary
397
00:18:27,687 --> 00:18:30,488
where a rich guy kills people
and no one knows about it.
398
00:18:30,523 --> 00:18:32,490
As far as you know.
399
00:18:35,762 --> 00:18:37,662
I'm guilty, guilty, guilty.
400
00:18:37,697 --> 00:18:39,330
Sir, you know you're on mic.
401
00:18:39,365 --> 00:18:41,099
Who is this Mike
you're speaking of?
402
00:18:41,134 --> 00:18:42,433
We'll kill him, too!
403
00:18:42,469 --> 00:18:45,570
But all sports
stories have an upside,
404
00:18:45,605 --> 00:18:48,106
unless you're a Detroit Lions fan.
405
00:18:48,141 --> 00:18:51,742
So this young man, showboat
and friend of the mob,
406
00:18:51,778 --> 00:18:54,445
gets off with not even
a slap on the wrist.
407
00:18:54,481 --> 00:18:57,482
It's a travesty wrapped in outrage,
408
00:18:57,517 --> 00:19:01,319
marinated in a sauce of
everything's gone to hell!
409
00:19:02,856 --> 00:19:04,322
I admit, it was fun.
410
00:19:04,357 --> 00:19:07,625
For a short time, we had
our own little superstar.
411
00:19:07,660 --> 00:19:09,093
And he kept playing.
412
00:19:09,129 --> 00:19:11,596
Then he ran up against one tall kid,
413
00:19:11,631 --> 00:19:13,831
and found out he really
wasn't that good.
414
00:19:13,867 --> 00:19:17,668
But Lisa, Lisa had a real
talent for journalism.
415
00:19:17,704 --> 00:19:19,303
Whatever that gets us.
416
00:19:19,339 --> 00:19:21,839
Homer, we have to end
on something sweet.
417
00:19:21,875 --> 00:19:24,661
Whatever that gets us.
418
00:19:25,843 --> 00:19:27,987
- ♪ Now basketball is my favorite sport ♪
- ♪ Uh-huh ♪
419
00:19:27,989 --> 00:19:29,375
♪ I like the way they dribble
up and down the court ♪
420
00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:32,718
♪ I keep it so fresh on the microphone ♪
421
00:19:32,752 --> 00:19:34,552
- ♪ I like no interruption when the game is on ♪
- ♪ Game's on ♪
422
00:19:34,588 --> 00:19:36,655
- ♪ I like slam dunks that take me to the hoop ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪
423
00:19:36,689 --> 00:19:37,722
♪ My favorite play is... ♪
424
00:19:37,758 --> 00:19:39,224
Sorry, y'all.
425
00:19:39,260 --> 00:19:41,293
♪ I like the pick-and-roll,
I like the give-and-go ♪
426
00:19:41,328 --> 00:19:44,129
♪ And it's basketball,
Bow Wow, let's go... ♪
427
00:19:44,164 --> 00:19:46,597
Yeah. Nothing but nerd.
428
00:19:46,634 --> 00:19:48,033
♪ All around the world ♪
429
00:19:48,068 --> 00:19:51,270
- ♪ We love that basketball ♪
- ♪ Yeah... ♪
430
00:19:51,304 --> 00:19:53,471
No, I didn't!
431
00:19:53,507 --> 00:19:55,808
♪ Basketball... ♪
432
00:19:55,843 --> 00:19:58,577
I admit it, I was a total boob.
433
00:19:58,612 --> 00:20:01,246
Oh! Why do I keep going there?
434
00:20:01,282 --> 00:20:04,216
- ♪ Let's go ♪
- ♪ They're playing basketball ♪
435
00:20:04,250 --> 00:20:05,550
♪ All around the world ♪
436
00:20:05,586 --> 00:20:07,519
♪ We love that basketball... ♪
437
00:20:07,554 --> 00:20:10,354
And Nelson's dad came back.
438
00:20:10,391 --> 00:20:11,590
And I should know.
439
00:20:11,625 --> 00:20:12,691
He's me.
440
00:20:12,726 --> 00:20:14,693
Haw-haw!
441
00:20:14,728 --> 00:20:16,795
Papa!
442
00:20:19,767 --> 00:20:22,282
So, you're making narrator money.
443
00:20:22,284 --> 00:20:25,586
That's right, and I
brought Nelson a gift.
444
00:20:25,588 --> 00:20:28,055
Sleeves for my vest!
445
00:20:28,057 --> 00:20:31,358
Son, you look just
like a parole officer.
446
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:34,575
And so we were a family again,
447
00:20:34,577 --> 00:20:36,923
just long enough to take this picture.
33289
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