Original subtitles

I loved her more than anything on the face of the earth.

I fell like a stone first time I saw her. She fell just as hard.

The only difference was, she knew why.

Kristy was my mate for life.

Kristen Bainbridge. That was her name. Now she has my name, Briggs.

We're Mr and Mrs Jefferson Briggs,

but everybody calls me Jake.

Except my grandmother.

She calls me Booper.

He's too young and he's too immature.

She's a gold digger.

There's little or no gold to be dug.

He's plenty old.

And people don't mature any more.

They stay jackasses all their lives.

There's a strong streak of rationality among the males in the family.

It's the women who keep things electrified.

- Can you put a smile on your face? - Give me something to smile about.

Russ and Gayle Bainbridge, my in-laws,

people that, one day, I would call Mom and Dad.

I'll lay you two bits that little pea-brain will be late.

Don't be silly.

You wouldn't let me throw him out when I had the chance.

Now the little SOB is going to be a goddamn relative.

This is what Kristy wants. Don't spoil it for her.

- Why? - She's in love.

You can't expect to be foremost in her mind. It's time we let go of her.

Try to find the beauty in the way she feels about Jake.

Oh, for God's sake.

All right, where in the sweet name of Christ is that little asshole?

That's me, the groom,

about to charge headlong into the jaws of responsibility.

What am I doing?

That's Davis McDonald, my best friend. He was my unsanctioned wife.

We got divorced when I married Kristy. He liked her.

He may have even loved her.

Are you scared?

Here I am...

I'm on the verge of binding my life to Kristy's...

...and I've never felt so alone.

We could split.

But you'd be back tomorrow.

You were married the minute you met her. 16 years old and you were gone.

This is your destiny.

To be forever caught in the crossfire between your head and your heart.

Do you... Do you think I'm going to be happy, I mean, honestly?

You want to be a writer. You want to be a husband.

Maybe it'll work out. Who knows?

Yeah, you'll be happy.

You just won't know it, that's all.

Never before or again did he nail a moment more firmly than that afternoon.

He's not all that wise,

he just knew his subject matter very, very well.

I won't say this again.

You don't have to go through with this. You can walk.

Say the word and we are out of here.

Marriage will wait.

Time won't.

Jake!

Shit!

Let us all join in the Lord's Prayer.

Our Father, Who art in heaven,

Hallowed be Thy name,

Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread

- And forgive us our trespasses... - Amen.

...as we forgive those who trespass against us.

Lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from evil,

For Thine is the kingdom, The power and the glory

For ever and ever. Amen.

As these two have come hither

to be made one in this holy estate, if there be anyone here present

who knows any just cause why they may not lawfully be married,

I require him to make it known

or ever after hold his peace.

Kristen, wilt thou have this man to be thy husband,

and wilt thou pledge thy troth to him in all love and honour,

in all duty and service,

in all faith and tenderness;

to live with him and cherish him according to the ordinance of God

- in the holy bond of marriage? - I will.

Wilt thou, Jefferson, have this woman to be thy wedded wife?

Wilt thou comfort and keep her in sickness and in health...

Wilt thou provide her with credit cards

and a 4-bedroom, 2½ bath home with central air and professional decorating?

A Mercedes Benz, two weeks in the Bahamas every spring?

Wilt thou remember the little things

like flowers on her anniversary, a kind word on a rough day,

and an occasional "Gee, honey, you look pretty today"?

Wilt thou be understanding when she is tired, headachy or upset?

When she feels ugly or has a big pimple on her chin?

Wilt thou not be such a pig when you shower?

Wilt thou listen patiently to stories about kids, colds, clothes, shoes

and decorator chequebook covers?

I will.

For as much as Kristen and Jefferson have consented together in holy wedlock,

and have witnessed the same before God and this company,

by the joining of hands and the giving and exchanging of rings,

I pronounce that they are husband and wife,

whom therefore God hath joined together,

let no man put asunder.

You may now kiss the bride.

But don't mess up her hair or her face

because she still has to have her picture taken.

Go for it.

I had graduated college and, for reasons not clear to us,

we decided I should pursue my master's degree.

Kristy had her degree and insisted I get mine before she began her career.

There wasn't time for the Bahamas, or even Niagara Falls.

We spent our honeymoon on an interstate highway to New Mexico.

Kristy, back and forth and back and forth and back and forth.

Babe, I got it.

Babe, you're wrinkling up all of the central states. I see it.

I'm not... The world's biggest bow tie.

Our first address. Not pretty, but cheap.

And happy. Sort of.

- You don't like fish? - I love fish.

- If you loved it, you'd eat it. - No, I honestly love it.

It's just a little overwhelming to have swordfish and...

Trout.

- And over here? - Grouper. It's grouper.

It's grouper.

- The fries are good. - That's breaded smelt.

What are you doing?

I didn't know what you liked. I'm trying to make you happy and you mock me.

Kristy, come on.

Jake...

I have to do something with myself. I have to get a job or take classes.

You'll weigh 400lbs. I'm not mad. I don't like fish, either.

You don't need to get a job. You don't need to take classes.

- I got to get out of here. - Don't start that!

Come on. College is like high school with ashtrays.

- I don't know where I'm going. - You have two more years.

It doesn't matter if you don't know where you're going now.

I learnt nothing as an undergraduate. I'm learning less in graduate school.

Davis started his own business.

Yeah, with his dad's money. I don't think you'd do that.

At least his life has begun. Mine is on indefinite hold.

- You really want to leave? - I can't think of any reason to stay.

Jefferson, can you tell Grandpa

why Bumble Bunny was such a happy little rabbit?

- Because he went to college. - Boy, are you a smart little fellow!

- And what did he get in college? - A master's degree.

A master's degree. What would have happened to him

if he hadn't gone to college and gotten that master's degree?

Probably end up working on a loading dock and hating every minute of it.

You're going to college to get a master's degree, aren't you?

Yes, sir.

Then you'll never end up working on a loading dock, no sir!

College boy!

- Morty, how about those Cubs? - Shut up!

Morty, did you catch that PBS special last night,

- "Animals of the Australian..." - Shut up!

- Shut up! - I didn't say anything.

I think a man can judge his success or failure

by the amount of overtime his wife works, eh, Jake?

I don't work late because we need the money.

- We don't. We're fine. - That's true, Russ.

What do you know?

Did we really raise her to answer telephones and live in a shoe box?

- We didn't come here to get insulted. - Oh, is he above criticism?

Jake, Kristy says you're uncomfortable calling us Mom and Dad.

- Why don't you call us by our... - Gayle, will you please...!

...names?

If you're going to piss your life away writing some goddamn book

that nobody is ever going to give a crap about,

why did you involve my daughter?

If she gets pregnant, what will you do?

Three can't live on what you make.

Two can't live on what you make.

Kristy...

Is the baby warm enough?

We're fine. Sweetie, don't burn your book.

Maybe we can get some wood.

Wood's expensive.

Words are cheap.

- What are you thinking about? - Nothing.

My mom and I got my dad to admit he was rude.

Do you want to come in? He went to bed.

He wasn't entirely wrong, you know.

If you weren't working, we'd be broke.

So I am working and we're not.

But you're married to a child.

I've got a job and I don't even know what I do.

- So what should you do? - The question is, what can I do?

Sweetheart, you have a BA in Romance Languages.

- What was your minor? - Elizabethan Poetry.

Well, what skills do you have?

OK... Let's see.

Jefferson Briggs.

- Call you Jeff? - It's Jake.

Or Jeff.

Says here you worked for a Japanese advertising agency.

Netsu.

- Netsu? - Netsu.

Well, Netsu is one of our foreign subsidiaries.

Hey, we own that.

There are thousands of advertising agencies

and you chose one we own. That was a bad call.

You're full of crap, aren't you?

Yeah.

After this Netsu thing, I got curious,

so I checked out the rest of your résumé.

And, aside from your social security number...

...there isn't one piece of information in there that is true.

You have set new standards for lying in the job market.

There's no question you can write. And coming here with a whopper like this...

You must want to work pretty bad.

I need to work.

- Can you make something of yourself? - I think I can.

How do you feel about slave wages?

- Slave wages are fine. - How do you feel about alcoholics?

I like alcoholics?

I got the job. We celebrated with Chinese food.

And Kristy bought me two suits, six ties and a commuter rail pass.

I was being paid to write.

Not novels, ads. People were taking notice of my ability.

There was something fresh in the way I wrote about disposable diapers.

I was meeting my obligations to the life we were making.

There was finally a future in my future.

So why did I feel like the world was closing in on me?

Now I had a real job and Kristy was moving up in her company,

we could buy a three-bedroom mortgage with two baths.

My mother offered to buy us a couch.

I don't know why you turned her down.

Two reasons. First, she wanted to pick it

and therefore make sure I decorate the house to her taste.

Second, if she bought one, she'd want to come over all the time and admire it.

- Would that be so terrible? - Let's not fight.

- Who's fighting? - You're getting ready.

- No. You made the nasty remark. - Not nasty, true.

What did she say when she came here?

That they liked the place.

- To you. And to me? - I don't remember.

"It's amazing how little your housing dollar buys today."

Kristy, she was merely stating a simple economic fact.

Every time family comes up, we fight, so why don't we drop it?

Well, I can handle it. You can't. That's what's bothering you.

We'll have our own family. Your family and mine don't matter.

Well, I would like to have my family over once.

They were over once. They'll be over again.

Nothing you say will change the fact they are my flesh and blood.

If they're your flesh and blood, what am I?

You're my wife, not my flesh and blood.

Why not move in with them, then?

You share flesh and blood. With me, it's just gold bands and bath towels.

- That's not what I meant. - They're your flesh and blood. I'm not.

- I'm just the asshole who married you. - Do you mean that?

- No. - This is ridiculous.

Very. I'll see you later.

You didn't put the end table on the end of anything.

The job, the house, the furniture, the fights, those were symptoms.

The disease was growing up

and it was happening faster than I'd imagined possible.

I'd thought I might be the mythical immortal one, the true Peter Pan.

I was sorely mistaken.

We can't afford this.

Goodbye.

I'll miss you.

- He's going to burn them! - Cynthia, he's going to burn them.

Gregory, put that down!

You know what I like about you, Briggsie?

- I can't imagine. - Your wife and your lawnmower.

I've seen your wife. What kind of mower you got, Briggsie?

It's... the kind you don't have to push.

But you do it standing up. A power mower.

What brand?

I've got to be honest with you. It was a gift and I never looked.

Wait a minute. You don't know?

When you got it, didn't any specs come with it?

How can you not know?

You've got a Big Yard King 410. Remember that.

- A Yard King 410. - The 410 is shit. I like the old 380.

You're crazy! The grass catcher on a 410

has a third more capacity than a 380.

It doesn't matter how much cubic feet of horseshit you can get in it.

The 410's got a plastic flywheel.

You'll have a major lawsuit on your hands.

The government won't buy 410s because of the danger of the plastic flywheel.

Put that down!

- Where do you work? - I'm a research analyst at Comtex.

Ha! I win! Lynn bet me a box of Pop Tarts that you were a lawyer.

Every career woman who moves into this neighbourhood

brings something nobody's ever heard of.

What did Sheila Walker-Reynolds make last year?

It was red... Goat cheese ravioli.

- No, that wasn't it. - It certainly was.

Hank asked her, she told him,

then he spat it out and the Thackerays' dog got hold of it.

I'll give you a piece of philosophy. Wives are like lawnmowers.

Fancy ones wear out fast. Good solid ones last a lifetime.

This man goes through two hoses a season.

My point is still valid. I'm not married to my hose.

Good. You'd be on your 18th wife.

There's some humour for you. That is supposed to be humour.

He buys the cheap crap you can't roll up

and the sun beats down and heats the water up.

Then, when he washes his dog, he scalds the shit out of it.

- Hank's washing his dog again! - It happened once.

- Twice. - You can't count!

- I've got to check on something. - It's something I said.

Hey, Briggsie! Let me ask you a question.

What do you do up in that room at night?

I've seen you. Your hands are doing weird things.

- I'm writing a book. - A book?

It was Scooter Albert that ate the balloon.

The little cross-eyed boy with the impetigo.

Was he the one who drew the boobies on Heather's doll?

- No, he was... - Will you excuse me?

Oh, yeah.

Listen, if your wife was in as good condition as his is,

would you be up all night writing a book?

- Look at them. - What are they talking about?

Three guesses.

Ken!

- Ken, I'm talking to you. - Yo!

Would you bring the picnic table around?

- Go on. You're up. - Hank! Help him!

He can do it himself.

You haven't done a thing to get ready for this.

I did. I washed the dog, didn't I?

You burned the dog!

You've got to come to New York some time.

I know. I've tried to convince Kristy. I really want to.

- I mean, it makes Chicago look like... - Chicago.

- Do you work, Erin? - She models.

- Oh, really? - I just did a video.

- Are you in a band? Or...? - No, I'm not in a band!

- What do you do? - Give me your glass.

- Sure. It's diet. Is that OK? - Figures.

That's great.

That's terrific. That's really, really good.

It's just running in clubs right now. MTV rejected it because of the nudity.

- You're kidding? - No.

It's ridiculous. That is ridiculous.

Big deal. I'm wearing a fucking g-string. I didn't even bend over.

That's not that controversial if you didn't bend over. I mean, that's not...

How long have you been married? I mean, you are married, right?

Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Got the band of gold.

It's, er...

- Two years, babe. - Two years.

- How long are you staying in town? - A few days.

Erin's mother died last night, so we're doing the funeral...

...bullshit. - That whole scene.

Yeah, Davis made me come. I think he misses Chicago, if that's possible.

You see, I'm a New Yorker.

- I hate everyplace else. - I know what you mean.

I can take LA. I won't puke if I'm in LA.

- Yeah, LA is nice. - We've never been to LA.

Of course, we've never been, but I hear it's nice.

- Yeah, right. - I'm so sorry about your mother, Erin.

You and Neiman Marcus.

- Are you staying with family? - We're at the Ritz-Carlton.

Tragic error coming up. Ready?

One, two, three...

A hotel? Don't be silly. Why don't you stay here?

- What? - What do you mean, "what"?

Am I supposed to make my best friend stay in a hotel?

Best friend, my ass! In two years, he's turned into a complete jerk.

- Excuse me? - You heard.

- And his girlfriend is nauseating. - Nauseating?

Her mother died last night, but she didn't want to come.

- She models nude in videos. - Not nude. She was wearing a g-thing.

- It probably wasn't a video. - Maybe her mother wasn't very nice.

I don't care. That bitch has no feelings

and it makes me sick she's sleeping in our house.

I'll have to burn the sheets!

What if the shoe was on the other foot?

I'd go barefoot!

- Don't give me that righteous pose. - Move!

- What? - Move!

What do you want me to do? Throw them out in the snow?

- Yes. - You'd like that?

- Yes. - Forget it!

- You're not sleeping in this bed. - Really?

Anywhere but this room or this bed.

Isn't it embarrassing to have Davis know we're fighting?

- Not to me. - OK, fine, forget it. Forget it!

But if he asks, I'm telling him everything.

Don't forget to tell him how I feel about his girlfriend!

She's got some lungs when she wants them, huh?

Oh, jerk!

I never thought this was where you'd end up.

- I like it here. - Let me tell you something, pal.

You want to write, move to New York.

Here, nothing happens to write about. I'm just being honest.

I see you dead in the water, face down. You are rotting.

What is this?

Give me that. That's my porcelain udder buddy.

- It's a dairy dispenser. - Delightful.

You've just arrived. How do you know how I am?

Look at the way that you live. It's boring, it's torpid.

I mean, my God, "Ho, ho, ho, cocktails and mistletoe."

Yeah. Let's just bop on over to Walt and Shirley's

- for egg-nog and a yule log. - Wiseass!

- You believe in this! - Should I live like you?

- Yes. - I can't.

- Why not? - You live for yourself. I don't.

I have Kristy.

- You want some more truth? - No.

Too bad. It's rude and it's wrong, but it's right on the money.

She's holding you back, man.

You're a drowning man and she is an anchor around your neck.

- She is making all the choices. - No, that's not...

- Yes! - No.

I love Kristy. She's the sweetest girl in the world.

She doesn't have a mean bone in her body.

But I love you like a brother, and you know that.

And this hurts like hell to say, and maybe I'm wrong...

...but I miss you.

I miss you very much.

I miss our friendship.

Very much.

Kiss me.

Hey, remember what I said, though.

- What about Erin? - What about Erin?

- Don't you have any feelings for her? - No, and I hope she has none for me.

You don't have to to go to bed with somebody,

and the fact you mention it indicates how parochial you've become.

I don't think there's anything parochial about a man loving a woman.

Save that for the Broadway show lyrics. It's nothing to live your life by.

I'm very disappointed in you, Jake. You should be doing more than this.

- I'm doing just fine. - You can think that.

I do. There's more to life than getting laid.

You can think that, too.

I love this place. This is great.

Can you believe it, $3 for a beer?

I paid $3. I love that. It's great.

Be right back, OK? You'll wait right here?

Enjoying the music?

I'm sorry. The ladies' room was too crowded. You don't mind, do you?

No, no, not at all.

- Do you come here a lot? - A lot?

I don't know if you'd say a lot. Twice tonight.

But, you know, I had coffee earlier, then a beer.

I meant the place. The club.

Ciao.

Hi, Lefty. How's the neighbourhood gigolo?

Well, Lefty boy, about this Valerie Blake.

Is she, you know...?

Kristy.

Did you hear that? Kris?

Oh, my God.

Hello, Jake.

Is it all right that I came in?

- How did you find me? - I've been watching you.

You must know, I don't make a habit of walking into people's houses.

It's OK.

You're frightened.

I don't know. I...

I think I'm experiencing an emotion that hasn't been defined yet.

The more I try to explain to you why

and how I came to be here...

...the less we'd both understand it. - Probably.

I'll just say that I have a very deep and certain feeling about you.

- Do you believe in destiny? - From now on, I will.

We were meant to be.

You've long felt like something was missing.

You were carrying with you a void. I was born to fill it.

We can't help it.

Our lives up to now have been the prelude to this moment.

Now it's happened, and all that emptiness you felt is gone.

It's not wrong. No guilt.

It's destiny. You couldn't prevent it.

No guilt, only pleasure.

You don't need anything else for the rest of your life.

- We have no choice? - We have no choice.

We're destiny.

Jake, you're dreaming again, sweetie.

Babe! Babe, what happened?

Bad dream.

Why couldn't I accept who I was, what I was and where I was?

Why couldn't I be like everyone else on the train?

Were they mindless drones following the scent of money to a senseless end?

Or bearers of a great secret

that allowed them to rejoice in this life that I was so unwilling to embrace?

And what was the deal with that weird dream?

So many questions. So few answers.

17, 18. What's the big deal? What do you expect?

You've been here a year.

Five, ten years, you'll be cranking this crap out in your sleep.

I don't intend to be writing ads ten years from now.

- Oh, what? This is just temporary? - Yeah, very.

I had the same feelings at your age. I actually even quit once.

- Did you? - To write a book.

- Yeah? - Yep.

And I built six birdhouses, put on 20lb,

watched 5,000 hours of TV,

wrote a page and a half, called Howard, got my old job back.

Everybody tries it and everybody comes back.

The rare individual breaks out.

But it's too infrequent to warrant consideration. Forget it.

Well, you're looking at the rare individual,

because I'm busting out.

Listen. I measure my life in degrees of happiness.

I'm supporting my family in a way that makes me happy.

I've got a nice house. I've got a real nice car.

And, once a year, I write an ad that I'm proud of.

- And that's what you want? - No, that's what I take.

You never get what you want.

The guys who jump off the bridge on their 40th birthdays

are the ones who want more than they will ever get.

- You depress the shit out of me. - Yeah?

Consider what I do to myself.

He was my boss. I secretly believed he was terrified

that I might make something of myself outside the field.

If I did, he'd be reminded of his own failures.

The last thing I needed

was a 36-year-old manic depressive begrudging me my youth.

I was frightened enough that it was evaporating.

Get used to it, pal. It only gets worse.

- Have you ever held a baby before? - No.

- Do you want to? - Yes.

Sit over here.

Kristy, over here right now.

Now. No, not later, now. Sex now.

Babe, we're going to have sex now.

Can we have sex now?

You want to mate with me? You want to mate?

Sorry, guys, take a hike.

Russ. What I'm going to do to your daughter tonight...

Kristy? I'm going to sleep now, babe.

So when you come in, be careful not to wake me,

because I'm really tired.

OK?

I'm just... I'm just dog tired.

And I've got a big day tomorrow.

One of the stupidest and least effective methods of seducing a woman.

The logic is that, by making myself seem uninterested in sex,

she'll be challenged. It never worked.

But that was no reason to stop trying.

For the first time in our relationship, she took the initiative.

Without warning, the game had turned on the hunter.

First thought: She was mistaking me for someone else.

Second thought: She'd started drinking in the afternoons.

Third and final thought: She loved me.

I missed the target, but hit the tree.

- Plastic flywheel! - It's probably out of gas.

- You're out of gas! - You see this? Perch on it.

I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

Stick this!

- Up yours! - Up yours, too!

It's you and me.

Ciao!

Can I get anybody anything?

Yeah. Dinner, missy. How about it? Let's go.

This is good, Jake. You're quite a barbecue chef.

What fascinates me is how you got it

blood raw on one side and charred to a crisp on the other.

- My steak's fine, Russ. - Mine, too, darling.

What is this? What, is this dirt on here?

- Did you say something, Jake? - No.

- Why do you complain about everything? - I'm not.

- You certainly are. - You want to hear complaining?

Missy, when are you going to get your butt in gear and get me a grandchild?

- I think it's time, too. - At last we agree on something.

Everything in due time. For cripe's sake, they just moved into a home.

Don't put pressure on pressure. What's the rush?

I'm with you. I almost lost Kristy in delivery. If she waits, it's fine with me.

I just think it's odd that they've been married four years

and they don't even talk about kids.

It was a breech. The women in my family have such small hips.

It was painful and it was terrifying.

You're all right now, so why dwell on it, in the sweet name of Christ?

- You didn't know until it was over. - How could I? I was playing golf.

Darling, you would have divine babies.

- Aren't you thinking about it? - Mom, that's a personal matter.

Well, it's a family matter. We're just curious.

Well, what's the deal?

They'll have kids when they have kids. Maybe they're not ready.

Are they going to be swingers the rest of their lives?

Did your parents goad you into having kids?

There was no time to goad me. No, I had my kids right away.

Down at my company, everybody my age or around my age

has a picture on their desk of a grandchild.

I have a picture on my desk of her.

What I want to have on my desk is a picture of a grandchild.

Who wouldn't? But this is one thing we're going to have to have patience on.

I'll be retired before they get round to it.

Then there won't be any desk to put a picture on.

- Are you mad? - No.

Would you rather not talk?

I'm fine. What do you want to talk about?

- You know. - Kids?

- You want kids? - Don't you?

- It's irreversible. - So?

I'm not in the mood for irreversible action. Let's go to sleep.

Having our parents has distorted everything.

It's not a good time to talk serious.

Go to sleep.

If I tell you something, will you promise not to get mad?

What is it?

Promise you won't get mad?

- Tell me what it is. - Promise you won't get mad.

OK, I promise I won't get mad.

I stopped taking the pill three months ago.

Keep smiling, Briggsie.

- Can you hold the baby up higher? - He's got a nosebleed already.

Howard, this is the stupidest thing I've ever done.

Don't retire the trophy. Your career is just starting.

Some old shit is retiring,

so I have to have my picture taken with somebody's baby.

Everybody on the account is doing it. You're nothing special.

Do they hire us to write ads or play the clown?

- Both. - I hate this. Hate this.

You can relax. I've got to reset the lights.

- This is ridiculous. - Your wife sees these pictures,

- she'll beg you for offspring. - How have you held out so long?

My reproductive life is none of your business. Where's the mother?

- I don't know. Around here somewhere. - Thanks, guys. Come on.

Whoops! Sorry.

Whoops! Sorry. Shall we dance?

Give me a break.

- Is this yours? - No.

My fault.

It was her, in her underwear.

There had to be a reason why I was seeing her again.

Whoa! Hey, wait a minute.

I don't want to do this all day long.

I cannot work like this!

You're married.

The ring.

Yeah, I am.

- It's OK. I'm married, too. - Really?

I was too young. He was too young.

- I got married young, too. - Really?

- Are you still in love with her? - Yes.

- Yes. Absolutely. - Absolutely?

If you're still in love with her, how come you're here with me?

- It's OK. You're nervous. - Nervous? I'm not nervous.

Oh, come on.

Hey!

- Why do you think I'm nervous? - Because you don't know what you want.

You're home late.

- You scared me. - I'm sorry. Did you eat?

- I got something down town. - I went back to the doctor today.

- Everything OK? - My tests are all in.

- Yeah? - It's not me. I'm fine.

- What does that mean? - It means I'm OK.

Obviously not, if you can't get pregnant.

- I can get pregnant. - Then why aren't you pregnant?

Because you can't get me pregnant.

- You believe that? - It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Who's ashamed?

My mother said my father was the same.

Your mother? You told your mother about this?

Did anybody not hear about it? Was it on the news?

Let's invite your parents over and put some chairs at the end of the bed.

A little home instruction.

- Get your butt a little higher, Jake. - Russ, he knows what he's doing.

If he knew what he was doing, we'd be grandparents by now.

I'm sure he'd have pointers for me. You told your mother? Jesus!

- It could be a very simple problem. - What problem? There is no problem.

Compared to what I had to go through, your test is easy.

What's the big deal?

- Would you like to have to do that? - I'd help.

Very funny. Well, I'm sorry, babe.

If you're fine and I'm not, there's nothing I can do.

- I'm sorry. I feel bad, but... - Problems can be treated.

Surgery? That's exactly where I'd like to have surgery.

I'd like men poking around with scalpels at my groin.

No, no, no. Nobody is touching my balls.

Maybe this is not really the place to discuss this.

- Why are you being a baby? - I'm not.

You are. You know how many men do this?

Whatever number minus one. I'm not doing it.

I knew you'd be a baby, so I called Dr Stanky and asked what's involved.

You called Dr Stanky?

- OK, what's involved? - A couple of minutes and a plastic cup.

It's all very discreet and professional.

- Hi, can I help you? - Yeah, yeah. Jefferson Briggs.

Well, I have my sp... my... my...

- My... - Sample?

Yeah, sample. Yeah.

- There you go. OK. - Thank you.

I'm sorry. Are you sure there's any in here?

My inability to impregnate Kristy was blamed on tight shorts,

something to do with my body temperature.

It seemed rather flimsy. To go through the hell of a fertility check

and discover that my undergarment preference was to blame

seemed as silly and pointless as everything else about my life.

Jake!

Jakey! My temperature's just right. It's the perfect time. Where are you?

Can you hurry?

Hiding from my wife, hiding from my manly obligation,

our love nest had become a stud farm.

Jakey, my temperature's just right. Where are you? Hurry, hurry!

Jefferson Edward Briggs!

Hi, babe.

Were you working on the water heater?

Sorry, but it's 48 hours since our last coition, I'm ovulating,

I have the pillows set up so that my cervix is placed better

in the intervaginal seminal pool.

You can watch TV if you get bored.

Here's to successful fertilisation, sweetie!

My father died.

Come on in.

Oh, Davis, I feel so bad about what's happened.

I don't know what to say. I've never had anyone close to me die.

- You can tell me anything. - We miss you. How's that?

We?

- Jake and I. - Jake and who?

- Me. - You miss me?

- Yeah. - Why?

Why? Because we've been friends for years.

- Is that all? - Friendship isn't enough?

Sometimes.

Sometimes not.

Jake told me that you want to have a baby.

Why?

Because I'm...

...ready. - How do you know when you're ready?

- You feel it. - Is Jake ready?

Yeah, I think he is. He says he is.

- How does he know? - I don't know. Maybe he feels it.

- Maybe not. - What are you trying to say?

- Nothing. - Nothing?

- Nothing. - OK.

Sleep well.

I won't.

Davis, what do you want from me?

I want you to kiss me goodnight.

- It was stupid. I'm sorry. - I've heard some bad come-on lines.

You think I'm scum, don't you?

Because I stayed here with that slut.

Let me tell you something.

I envy Jake. I always have.

It was difficult for me when you got married.

You're a liar.

I just wanted you to kiss me goodnight.

So that, in some microscopic way...

...I know that you care about me.

I do care.

I always have.

Not in this lifetime, Davis.

Why not?

You have to ask?

You really love him.

With everything I am.

Nothing will change that.

Not your hands on my body, your looks, your money or your charm. Nothing.

Why does it have to be about love?

Aren't you the least bit curious?

- Didn't you ever steal candy as a kid? - I'm not a kid any more.

- You got cold, huh? - I didn't.

I found out something you're not even close to.

- Educate me. - You've got to figure it out yourself.

You've got to feel it in your own skin.

I won't tell Jake about this. It isn't fatal.

You have your good points.

- You're the only one I ever loved. - No, Davis.

You're the only one you ever loved.

- Jake? Mrs Briggs called. - My mother called?

- Your wife. She's down town. - What's she doing down town?

I don't know. She said she wanted to meet you after work.

- And it was important. - Did she say what was important?

No. She said you should meet her at 5.00 at the Museum of Natural History.

If you're still in love with her, how come you're here with me?

Dillon, Carson & Reid?

Hi.

What are you calling now for? I told you never to call me at work.

Yeah. OK. I'll talk to you later. I love you.

Jake...

We're going to have a baby.

I found out this morning. I didn't want to tell you on the phone.

How do you feel?

Are you as happy as I am?

I think so. Yeah.

Yeah.

We're blessed.

I'd stumbled into a marriage, drifted into a career

and backed into fatherhood. It was too easy.

I couldn't convince myself everything was all right.

There was something out there, circling my happy home,

watching me, stalking me, waiting to strike.

Jake!

Yeah?

Jake!

I'm working.

Jake, honey, it's time.

Time for what?

Sorry, sorry. I'm really sorry. Are you OK?

Fine. I'm glad you came back.

Yeah. How do you feel? All right?

- I feel fine. - OK. Take it slow.

I don't want you to rush. OK.

Just sit down. Are you all right? Are you OK?

In through the nose... And out through the mouth...

Kris, you're not breathing. In through the nose...

- Out through the mouth. - Oh, babe, are you OK?

Fine, fine. In through the nose... Out through the mouth.

You OK? Remember everything we learnt in class?

Got your focal point? You got it? Where is it?

Bureau? That's too big. Get something more focal.

What? Bunnies? OK, concentrate on that and not the pain.

Pretend that there is no pain. But I'm right here.

- Babe, it's started. - It's started?

- It's started! - Why didn't you say?

What is it? About 10 seconds it's been? Less? More?

What, less? I don't understand. We'll call it 20. We'll call it 25, OK?

I don't understand. What is this? What?

Oh, I'm in the... Oh, sorry. I'm sorry.

- Oh, shit! - Look at it. Look at the bunnies.

Breathe...

OK, breathe.

That's it?

Whoa!

You OK? All right?

You did good. I think we should work out some kind of signal

when the contractions start because I didn't know.

So if you could grab my arm. Yes, grab my arm when it starts.

Just... That's it? It started again? Already? So soon?

- Oh, God! - Nurse!

- Do I come? - No, wait here. I'll be right back.

OK, OK.

Oh, I hold these? OK.

OK, babe, see you.

Remember your breathing. Just relax, now.

OK, Kristy, we're going to move you over. Over here, hon.

Nice and easy. That's it.

Look at this one.

- Don't touch that. - Oh, sorry. My fault. Sorry.

OK, Kristy, control your breathing, all right?

When you feel a contraction, take a deep breath and hold it for ten.

You feel the contraction? Deep breath in and hold it for ten.

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

OK, blow it out.

Take another deep breath and hold it for ten again.

Ready? Good. One, two...

Oh, hi. I was just watching.

- Here we go. - Put these on.

- Is this my size? - They're one-size-fits-all.

OK, what is this...

Get these on, come back to me and I'll take you in.

OK, great.

Mr Briggs, that goes on over your clothes.

Oh, yeah. Of course. I'm sorry.

- Where's my husband? - He'll be here soon.

Oh, God!

Jake!

- Did I do this right? - It looks OK to me.

- We're going to the delivery room? - Yes.

- I feel charged. I'm ready. - You'll be fine.

- I thought I'd be nervous, but... - This way.

- This is great. Right in here? - Yes.

Wait here. I'll be right back.

- Get him out of here. - Kristy, listen to me...

Mr Briggs, you have to wait outside. There's a complication.

Mr Briggs, please! You have to wait outside.

- That's my wife! - I know it is.

Just tell me what's going on.

Just tell me what's going on!

Calm down. I'll go and find out and I'll come back for you. You stay here!

Kristy, listen to me right now.

- Listen to me. - I want to get it out.

- Stop pushing. - I've got to get it out!

Listen to me. Stop pushing with your contractions.

- You're not doing yourself any good. - I've got to get it out!

Oh, God!

Mr Briggs, the baby is in a breech presentation.

- It's coming out backwards. - What does it mean?

The baby's head is caught.

It's too early to tell, but we're doing everything we can.

Hi, sweetie.

I didn't want anybody else to tell you.

Babe, it's a boy.

What?

We have a boy.

He's OK?

I love you.

And, in the end, I realised that I took more than I gave.

I was trusted more than I trusted.

And I was loved more than I loved.

And what I was looking for was not to be found, but to be made.

How about a nice, simple name? Larry? Bob?

If it's a boy, name it after me. Russell.

Jefferson junior... George... Arnold...

Caleb... lan... Mark... Marmaduke...

Otto. There aren't enough Ottos around.

Douglas... Reginald... Igor... Hyman...

Schwok. That's good. I don't know what it is. I heard it on a bus.

David... Alfred... Irwin...

Melonhead, or Lizard.

Huey... Basil... Roland...

Hmm, names for a boy. Well, my wife's always been partial to Bor-bor.

Jason... Jerome... Vladimir...

Maximillian, thanks a million.

Nicholas... Abner... Johann... Michael...

Cryoborg, Gandor, Klaus, Valdor,

Slagathor... Slaggy for short.

Rudolph... Peter... Ashley...

And I've liked for years Quig, Bligh, Nargalzius, Rolo and Vordergan.

Jean-Marc... Mohammed... Melvin... Milton... Duane... Klaus...

Toby? Kind of a sissy. But, OK, could be a priest.

Blind Boy Grunt... Jasper... Opie... Walter...

If you want to torment him, call him Cecil.

Charlie... Terrence...

Charlie the first...

George... Harry... Jeffery... Reuben...

Or you could go silly and call him Skippy.

Wheeler... Jim... Winthrop...

Barney is a good name.

Grover... Alvin... Elliot...

Linus... Roscoe... Kerwin...

Kyoshi Yamamoto... Patrick...

How about Little Suck? Dashiel... Fred...

Orbie Lee... Jasper... Jazz: J-A-Z-Z...

Guido... Horatio...

Baby Magic. Who wouldn't love that? I would. What about you?

Spike... Adolph... Chris...

Mark...

- Mucus. - Mucus?

- What was the question again? - Conan.

- What about Billy? - I like Billy.

Bunky... Buford... Brewster... Bertolucci...

Barney... Basil... Butch... Boris... Beauregard...

Bellawackadayforlonger- amsterdamandashquinina.

What's wrong with that?

I don't know... What's wrong with my name?

- Did we say Christopher yet? - Yeah.

- I like Christopher. - I don't know. Maybe.