Original subtitles

WALTER: Previously on Scorpion...

My entire school career, I have only missed three days.

- Here it comes. - And I've never had a tardy.

I actually just engineered this water filter.

If I can get one of these to every West Altadenian,

they would choose to use tap water over bottled

simply because of the taste.

Walter doesn't feel anything romantic towards me,

and-and I could never be attracted to him.

What's wrong with Walter? He's an amazing man.

Why-why would you never be attracted to him?

He and I are alike.

Too much head, too little heart.

'Cause that's what I need.

A smart man, sure,

but one who is sweet and caring and vulnerable.

PAIGE: Quinoa, chia-seed

Belgian waffle with a side of organic,

homemade vegan apple-butter.

So good. Syrup's optional. And I hope you're hungry.

Thank you, Chef Dineen.

(chuckles) I'm famished.

I just wanted to try a new, healthy breakfast, so be honest.

You know, I-I know that the syrup is optional,

but I would like to exercise the option.

Okay, no problem.

(spits)

You're gonna dilute the flavor of the apple-butter.

That's the intention.

Now, Paige, I appreciate the effort,

but the waffles are dry and the butter is sour,

and the meal is missing, well, flavor.

I said be honest, not brutal.

Oh, it-it wasn't my intention to insult you.

I-I love you.

That's why I can't lie to you.

If I did, I would be

denying you the opportunity to improve.

Well, I thank you for that,

but sometimes it's okay to tell a white lie

in order to protect someone's feelings.

So, by your logic, I should continue

to eat the waffles, even though they're

unsatisfying and they lack nutritional value,

potentially affecting my cognitive function

and productivity?

(laughs): It seems very inefficient.

Or, if you think a more judicious modulation

of the truth is worth practicing,

then I can give it a try.

I'd appreciate it. Oh!

Don't forget, the UCLA event tonight.

"Trigger Loop as a Major Determinant

"of Transcriptional Fidelity,

and Its Role in DNA Expression".

It's thrilling, right?

Looking forward to it.

And that's how it's done.

Of the three, this cup

tastes the best-- what brand is it?

It is actually filtered tap water

from right here in West Altadenia.

So far, 99.038% of pedestrians surveyed

haven chosen our tap over the leading bottled brand.

This water purifier attaches easily to your kitchen sink

in just three minutes.

You'll never have to buy bottled again.

Okay, thanks.

And be sure to tell your friends about your new filter.

All right, sure. And also, call your local DWP

and let them know how much you love

your new fresh-tasting water.

Great. Uh, this is a great idea.

Thanks. Uh, I have to...

And the science behind it is really fascinating.

I'm sure it is.

I have to get my dog to a vet.

I don't see a dog.

You see, the filter adjusts

the compound in a multistep process.

Ralphy-boy, I envy you.

Look at you, at your age, spending your spring break

saving the planet.

No one parties like I do.

- When's Patty get here? - Soon.

Thank you for your support.

Oh, excuse me, ma'am,

do you have a moment to learn about

water purification systems? - Sure.

Look at her,

engaging the constituency with science.

She's clearly enjoyed working with you on this project.

How about you seize the moment?

Ask her out already.

You know what, Ralph? You're right. I will go.

(speaking softly)

Hey, I'm ready for my shift. Where do you want me?

Where do I want you?

That's not normally how this works.

You boss me around, remember?

Hey, something wrong?

Nothing important.

No, hey, Patty,

if something's bothering you, it is important to me.

I had my first tardy this morning.

I don't want to talk about it.

Here's all the stuff.

Sylvester, I actually have to go.

I have a potential investor meeting for my binding agent.

Okay, yeah, um, well, thank you.

For all this. (chuckles)

Um... I, uh...

I...

Do you have something you want to tell me?

Yes. Yes.

Uh...

You know what? I can't remember.

Okay.

Well, when you do, you know where to find me.

Bye.

(Ralph sighs)

You missed your shot again.

There's something more pressing. Like what?

Patty Logan got a tardy.

Yeah.

Something serious must have happened.

We are gonna get to the bottom of it.

What is this?

Who replaced the coffee grinds with tree bark?

That's not tree bark, that's chicory.

What possessed you to do that?

Voodoo spirit. Got to get everybody in the mood

for our trip to the bayou.

At least I'll be wide awake for it.

Any other preparations I should know about?

He mapped out all his favorite New Orleans sites,

mostly food-related.

Babe, this could be my last hurrah

before this potential bambino comes,

so I got to make it count.

Last time I was in NOLA

was 2012 to bet on March Madness,

and I made a killing, so I stayed for Mardi Gras,

and from what I remember, I had the time of my life.

You do remember we're going there to work, right?

Every party has a pooper.

That's why you're here. (blows raspberry)

What part of shrinking

an overgrowing, virus-carrying

mosquito population is a party?

A potentially fatal, Zika-like virus.

This is not to be taken lightly.

If I was taking it lightly, Mon Cher,

I wouldn't be sequestering my bride

and the potential bun in her oven in the garage

to stay away from all those scary skeeters.

Okay, you know you're probably just talking

to my breakfast burrito.

And you didn't sequester anyone.

I am voluntarily staying back.

Don't worry, I'm gonna bring you back lots of beads.

(phone rings) Uh, that must be Dr. Ditterman at State College

of New Orleans Entomology.

He said he had an update for us

before we fly down.

I'm so glad I was able to catch you before you left.

Dr. Ditterman, are you okay? You look a little pale.

We've just had an update from the CDC.

Uh, they're not divulging this information to the public,

but the infection rate from the mosquito virus

is significantly higher than previously reported.

How much higher?

The CDC is now aware

of over 1,300 cases across the Southeast.

1,300? Why were they keeping that under wraps?

Symptoms often present as the flu or pneumonia,

so it's been easy to miscalculate.

And there have been 60 fatalities already.

Well, that's almost a five percent mortality rate.

So I assume the CDC is keeping this secret

to prevent a mass exodus in the region.

And the abandoned properties would just become

breeding grounds for more mosquitoes.

And those who stayed behind would be overrun by the virus.

That's the CDC's assessment, too.

With rainy season days away, the mosquito population

could expand tenfold.

This disease is on the verge of becoming an epidemic.

Does our existing plan still work?

These sterile male mosquitoes

that we have genetically engineered,

and your team have replicated, can still be

released into the local ecosystem.

They will mate with the females,

who will produce no offspring,

killing off a generation of mosquitoes

and the virus that they carry.

We followed your instructions to the letter.

Sterile mosquitoes are ready for distribution.

Given the new developments, I was hoping that we could just

disperse the mosquitoes ourselves.

The release site needs to be precisely calculated

and it can change according to barometric pressure

and wind conditions,

which we have to calculate on-site.

We're on a flight in an hour. We'll see you soon.

Okay, I'll see you soon.

Okay, team, you're up.

Son of a gun, we're gonna have some fun.

(zydeco music playing)

Oh, God, even better when it's fresh.

You could help us with the bug spray

so we don't get infected.

What about my beignet?

All right, we've got some chicken carcasses,

a tranquilizer gun.

This boat's got some odd equipment.

Yeah, swamp's a dangerous place.

Got snakes, alligators, your boars.

And that's just the animals.

This landscape can be quite unruly.

Got to stay on your tippy-toes.

Wait, that reminds me.

Tipitina's is a really cool bar by the river

we should check out when we're done.

Kill the music, or I'm gonna kill you.

You are such a grouch.

Just trying to let loose in the Crescent City, Cabe.

(music stops)

- Hi. DITTERMAN: Hey..

Nice to meet you all in person.

Sorry it's under these circumstances.

- Our mosquitoes? - You have

just over 43 minutes to release 'em,

or they'll suffocate in that tin,

rendering them useless, and the virus unstoppable.

That can't hold very many bugs.

Are you sure that's enough to avert a plague?

Well, surprisingly,

female mosquitoes are

more attracted to sterile males.

That's probably how I landed Happy.

Yeah, they seek them out to mate.

This tin-full could cull the hatch by 90%.

The remaining ten percent isn't enough to spread the virus.

It better, because there are only a few days

in the breeding season, and no time to engineer more.

This is all we have.

Okay, no problem. So, considering

bug concentration, wind patterns,

depth of swamp water, and humidity,

this is the ideal drop zone.

That's accessible by fanboat,

but it's deep in the wetlands, so no time to waste.

I'll, I'll let you get to it. PAIGE: Wait.

You're not going with us?

The director of the CDC is flying in

from Atlanta, and needs to be debriefed in person.

Who's driving?

I took the wheel during a swamp tour

during my last visit to the Pelican State.

I wasn't supposed to, but I did great until

that tour guide scolded me for no good reason.

I can handle it.

Thank you for your help, Doctor.

- Welcome. - I'll get out of your hair.

Oh, speaking of which,

I can hardly notice that yours is a toupee.

It's quite realistic.

Uh, um... thank you?

Yeah.

- What possessed you to say that? - You did.

I'm practicing white lies, like we talked about.

The toupee was actually very noticeable.

Oh, you really need to go over the rules of white lies again.

(Toby whoops)

I got it.

It's coming back to me now.

Take it slow, Doc.

- Are you guys near the drop zone yet? PAIGE: Not yet.

Getting close.

We need to head west.

TOBY: Copy that.

(engine revving) Uh-- Oh, my beads!

Whoa-oh-uh...

Toby, Toby, stop the boat.

WALTER: We need to go back. The mosquitoes went overboard.

Damn it, Doc, I said to take it slow.

That was not my fault. The fan sucked in the beads,

it was choking me. PAIGE: You shouldn't have had

those stupid beads on in the first place.

We do not have time for this.

Just turn the boat around so we can get the canister.

It's way back that way.

TOBY: You know, for the record,

my beads are not stupid.

You said yourself they're cool.

PAIGE: Do none of you understand

the concept of a white lie?

Up there, I see the container.

Okay.

A little closer, I'll scoop it up.

(all scream)

Gator!

It got the tin.

Gator? As in "alligator"?

Swallowed it whole. One bite.

PAIGE: We can't just let him get the mosquitoes.

That tin is the only way to stop the virus.

♪ Scorpion 4x19 ♪ Gator Done Original Air Date on March 19, 2018

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

How the hell do we stop the plague

if we don't have those mosquitoes?

We can't. We're cooked like crawdads.

He's right. In 34 minutes, those mosquitoes are dead,

and the pandemic becomes irreversible.

What's the plan?

You know,

we could hit the big guy with one of these tranq darts.

I could perform a quick surgery

and take the tin out.

I mean, small incision, suture with fishing line.

It'd be easy as étouffée.

Well, how do we do that? We need the beast to tranq him.

Maybe it's a her.

And that matters why?

Well, it's nesting season for reptiles,

and alligators are very territorial of their young.

If we find where she's buried her eggs,

she won't be far away.

Okay, the Barataria swamp

is a national preserve.

The rangers may keep track of the animals

and their nesting sites online.

Did you guys notice any distinguishing characteristics?

Yes, she had big, sharp teeth and a prehistoric jaw.

Distinguishing to this alligator.

Oh, a long scar over its right eye.

I saw it when it jumped at me.

Okay, there's a gator in the preserve system

named Yvonne. It says here

she lays her eggs on a muddy spot

half a mile southwest of your current location.

I will send the coordinates.

Great! Let's get moving.

CABE: Not so fast.

We start that fan, it may scare Yvonne.

This fanboat just became a gondola.

Enjoy your water.

Great stuff.

Saving the planet.

Whatever.

Patty, may I make an observation?

You really are not acting like yourself today.

I know you said you didn't want to talk

about what happened before, but...

...if you got a tardy,

then it must have been something serious.

I told you, it's not important.

The tardy thing is a dumb school record

that nobody cared about anyway.

I cared about it.

Why?

'Cause you cared about it.

Maybe they did me a favor.

Now I don't have to worry about being a perfect little nerd

with a perfect little record.

Who's "they"?

What did they do?

Some of the popular girls at school found out

that I asked Jesse Colt to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

They thought that

it was out of line for someone

with my high school social status to ask out a jock.

so they decided to teach me a lesson,

as if Jesse turning me down flat wasn't bad enough.

He said no?

Idiot.

And what did these girls do?

I leave my bike on the side of my garage.

This morning, the tires were slashed.

They left a mean note.

I was late for first period.

(crying): I worked so hard for that record.

Your parents talk to the principal?

I can't tell them.

Then they'd tell the other girls' parents,

and I'd be a pariah, more so.

I have to get back.

I told my civics teacher I'd be back by 2:00.

See you later.

(sighs) I don't like people messing with her.

Don't worry. They won't get away with it.

Well, the baby gators couldn't have gone

too far from the shore, and neither would their mother.

Okay, so she's somewhere around here, but the shoreline's

miles long, and we've got 30 minutes to find the mosquitoes.

How do we track her in time?

WALTER: We don't need to track her,

we track the mosquitoes.

If we can build a metal detector,

then we can locate the bug box inside the gator.

HAPPY: Okay, I can help you build one.

Does the boat have a radio with an A.M. band?

CABE: Let me check.

Yeah.

We'll need a calculator.

WALTER: Yeah, I have a scientific calculator

in my bag.

I never leave home without one. Naturally.

The calculator's electronic circuits produce

a radio frequency signal.

When those frequency waves

reflect off of the metal canister in the gator,

they'll be audible through A.M. radio.

CABE: All right, as soon as we locate Yvonne,

I'll lure her out of the water

with this delicious chicken carcass.

Then I'll hold her with the snare

until I hit her with the tranq dart.

Then it's surgery time.

(vomiting in distance)

We've got another one with the stomach flu.

I'm gonna need a pickup.

I hate high school.

I'm going to check in with the principal's secretary,

and see how much longer we'll be waiting.

What are you in for?

I'm here to help a friend. You?

I forgot my combination, so I broke my lock again.

H-How am I supposed to remember, anyway?

There must be hundreds of possible combos.

Uh, 64,000 combinations, to be exact.

When my pal gets back,

tell him I'll be waiting for him outside.

Okay.

(detector beeping steadily)

(detector whirs) Oh, we got a hit.

Yeah? Let's take it to shore, Cabe.

All right, quiet.

Try to disturb the water as little as possible.

Oh, there she is.

CABE: All right, Toby.

Let's get that chicken ready.

TOBY: Don't tranq her till she's lassoed.

(Cajun accent): Quiet now, Cher.

We huntin' cocodril.

(normal voice): That's Cajun for "alligator."

Yeah? And what's Cajun for "my foot in your ass"?

I should know that; I've heard it before.

Paige, keep the boat steady so I can make the shot.

CABE: Here you go, girl.

Careful, Cabe.

WALTER: Ah, she just surfaced.

She doesn't seem interested in the chicken.

That's 'cause you're not making it seem like a tasty bird.

You got to entice her, Cabe.

Maybe I should've made it a cacciatore

or a chicken parmigiana?

You need it to act like it's alive.

You know? No animal just pops up and down like that.

See? See how it just skims the surface there?

It's like a duck.

Watch it, Toby, you're kind of close.

HAPPY Hey, dummy, if I'm pregnant,

I do not want to tell my child

that Dad died as gator bait.

(grumbles)

CABE (quietly): We got movement.

TOBY: And then, when she comes up

for her meal, Walt, hit her with that tranq gun.

Got her in my sights.

(groans) Damn it, she's gone.

Maybe she's not hungry.

Whoa!

(screams)

The rope's tangled around my arm, I'm falling in!

Tranq the dinosaur!

I can't get a line on her!

Just point, aim and shoot.

PAIGE: You missed!

It's harder than it looks.

Dig your feet in the mud!

I'm gonna reach into my pocket

and get my pocket knife and cut the rope!

The thrashing of the water is moving the boat.

I-I can't aim!

Just shoot it! TOBY: Shoot it!

(shouts)

Son of a bitch!

Did you hit the target?

Uh, not the one I was aiming for.

He shot me in the ass!

It's not as easy as it looks!

(grunting)

Come on.

Come on. All right.

Come on, big fella.

Okay. Happy, they're safe.

What about the prehistoric beast?

(grunts)

Just took a dart from his butt.

The alligator, stupid.

Oh. No, she got away.

I got the dart out before all the drugs discharged,

but he's still got a heavy sedative in him.

We're gonna need an antidote

before it hits his nervous system.

Ah, that's all right.

Let's go.

So about that antidote?

(slurring): Let's get those mosquitoes.

TOBY: Happy, you call Ditterman,

and hurry up; he should have the antivenin.

Enough of this stuff interferes enough with his nervous system,

it'll kill him. HAPPY: Already dialed.

You are a mile away from Rural Route 32.

If you can get Cabe to that highway,

I can tell Ditterman to meet you with the antidote.

All right. Uh, I'll take him, you go get the gator.

Okay.

Be careful.

Let's go, big fella.

What's up, Doc?

(laughs)

Oh, boy.

Guys, I got to go.

I have Ditterman on the line.

So we have T minus 24 minutes to get our mosquitoes back.

There are no more tranquilizer darts,

we've lost our surgeon, and even if we find Yvonne,

we won't be able to get our tin back, anyway.

Well, maybe we don't need to get it from her.

Maybe we can get her to give it to us.

Lobelia inflata is native to the Southeast.

It grows on the eucalyptus trees found near the swamps.

Come on, let's go. Explain how giving the alligator

a plant is going to give us the box back.

Well, because Lobelia inflata is more commonly known

by its layman's nickname: the puke weed.

(groans)

And what exactly is your relationship

to Ms. Logan, Mr. Dodd?

Brother? Uncle?

I'm her alderman, she's my intern.

Okay, Mr. Dodd.

Do you have any proof of who slashed Patty's tires?

Well, no, but I think the note is crystal clear.

It was retribution for an alleged crossing

of arbitrary societal lines.

Now, if we could compare

the handwriting in the note to the handwriting

of these girls that Patty has mentioned...

This isn't CSI.

We don't have the resources

for handwriting analysis.

Now, I'll look into it,

and if there is something to be done, I'll handle it.

How's that sound?

Like bullnuggets.

Excuse me?

I've met you before.

Your nameplate might read "Ms. Carlisle,"

but it might as well read "Mr. Dinkins,"

and you might as well be a 68-year-old balding man

with an overbite

and a bad comb-over

and absolutely no intention

of doing anything about Buddy Hinkle stealing

my Super Fun Guy lunch box and throwing it up

in the Japanese maple on the playground.

I think we've gotten off topic.

No.

I am perfectly on topic, Ms. Carlisle.

I am on the topic

of bureaucrats who would rather sit and wait out

their last two years until retirement

instead of actually helping the kids

who need help.

So I am done talking to you.

What is the name of Patty's guidance counselor?

Uh, Mr. Gipmar.

I suggest you get Gipmar 'cause I'm sitting in your office

and I'm not leaving till I get my lunch box.

There it is.

The Lobelia inflata.

PAIGE: Oh, it's pretty high up.

No way to scale that tree,

so how do we get up there?

Uh, what sort of equipment do you have on the boat?

A bunch of your husband's Mardi Gras beads.

Not really useful.

Oh, I saw a tarp and some rope for crawdad traps.

Okay, I can work with that.

Yeah, yeah, thanks, Doc, we'll see you soon.

Cabe, Ditterman's got the antidote in hand.

He's gonna meet us on Route 32 ASAP,

so we got to hustle.

I got something in my ear.

It's all right.

You got something, too.

What? No. Stop it. Cabe.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, those are our comms!

Let's just go.

You okay?

Come here. Why don't you, uh,

why don't you just follow my lead here?

Huh? Here we go.

You know what, Doc?

This is what life's all about.

Taking care of people you love.

We need to take care of each other.

You're gonna learn that soon...

'cause you're...

you're gonna be a dad.

That's so awesome.

That's so awesome. Yeah.

Came to the Big Easy to party

and I'm the designated driver for Tipsy McStumblepants.

- You know what else is awesome? - Huh?

Breakfast for dinner.

Boop.

I hate you.

Okay, then you take the end of the rope,

you slide it through the double-hitched knot,

you put it through the A-hinge of the crawdad trap,

you wrap it around the other side,

and you repeat the steps to act as a counterbalance.

Happy, can you slow down?

I'm trying to follow your instructions,

but you're going way too fast.

Oh, God, this would be so much easier

if I was there to build it.

Okay, you're the one with the, uh, 197 IQ.

Keep up.

My area of expertise is not mechanical engineering.

Maybe if you could articulate your ideas

a little bit better, then...

No, you're right.

I have no patience for explaining things.

Toby says the same thing.

I am a sucky teacher.

Actually, you're not.

I see here that the mistake was mine.

I-I did a single-hitched knot instead of a double-hitch

like you said.

So it's totally my fault.

(mouthing)

But if you could slow it down a bit,

I, uh, might be able to get it right the next time

and then we could climb that tree

and grab that puke weed.

Okay. 20 minutes left to make this happen.

Let's start off from the top again.

You take the base of the crawdad trap.

That's gonna be your seat.

(quietly): Now, that's how you white-lie.

Very proud of you.

Brown mustard, L.A. Kings,

wind chimes, and that's it.

That's everything that's awesome.

- Oh, is that all? - You sure?

Well, I don't know.

Maybe I'm forgetting something.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Cabe!

Come on, come on, man. Hey.

Are you feeling all right?

(groans)

Answer appears to be no.

(pants)

(cars driving in distance)

You hear that?

That road can't be more than a quarter mile away.

Cabe, you know what?

Um, stay here.

I'm gonna go get Ditterman and the antidote

and I-- and I'll be right back. Okay?

Awesome. Don't move.

Okay.

(groans)

TOBY: Aah! Cabe! Over here, over here!

Toby?!

Cabe, hurry!

What you doing?

I'm in quicksand, you idiot.

Quicksand.

I haven't seen quicksand

since The Princess Bride.

Now, that was

an awesome movie.

Don't fear, Buttercup.

I will save you.

I'm a dead man.

Coming, buddy!

Yeah.

All right, now pull me out.

(grunts)

Come on.

(grunts, groans)

I can't do it.

Yeah, that's 'cause you're hopped up on tranq juice.

Oh, I'm really going down fast.

Um, Cabe?

Can you find a vine or something?

Okay, I'm on it.

No, no, no, no! Forget about it.

New plan.

Forget about trying to pull me out.

You got to push me down.

Fast!

You want me to smother you in the quicksand?

No, quicksand's created by underground water systems

like rivers or streams.

So I bet there's a stream underneath this pit

that runs to that pond over there.

So you want me to drown you?

No, just find something heavy

that's gonna weigh me down quick,

and I'm gonna fall to the underground stream,

I'll ride it to the pond, and then I'll swim to the surface

before I suffocate or drown!

Oh, man, that sounds scary.

Go get the damn rock!

Okay.

(metal detector beeping)

You hear that?

Gator's nearby.

Okay. (grunts)

I'll grab the chicken.

Get every last bit in there.

I hung from a crawdad rope 20 feet in the air

to get that crap. Understood.

I'll need your smart watch.

You plan to text Yvonne?

The watch is also a tracking device.

This way we won't risk losing her again.

Oh, you're making, like, a real-life Tick-Tock Croc.

Yeah.

Peter Pan, when the crocodile swallowed the alarm clock?

I've never read it.

Besides, Yvonne is an alligator, not a croc.

Crocs are on average five feet longer

and they tend to live in saltwater habitats,

while alligators prefer

freshwater marshes.

Don't ruin Peter Pan for me.

Ping was over here.

(metal detector whining)

(Walter grunts)

Here, gator, gator, gator.

Aah.

Okay, let's follow her.

It's working. It's showing us

exactly where Yvonne and the mosquitoes are headed.

12 minutes to go. No time to waste.

Okay. Let's follow that gator.

Cabe! Where the hell are you, man?!

(panting)

Where's the rock?!

Where the hell you been?!

Well, I couldn't find one large rock.

But not to worry.

I found a bunch of small ones. Pebbles?!

Pebbles do not help me!

I always thought one of the stupid ones were gonna kill me.

I thought it was gonna be Paige.

Cabe, come on, man.

Stay with me. If I die, you got to get to Route 32 by yourself.

Oh, oh!

Wasn't the weight I was looking for,

but you'll do.

(gasps)

(panting)

Whoa! What just happened?!

You just took the worst water park ride ever.

(panting)

Ooh, I feel alert now!

Yeah, that's an adrenaline rush.

It's soon gonna wear off.

It's a double-edged sword.

The adrenaline's got your heart pumping faster,

which is gonna make the drug go through your body faster, too.

Watch stopped moving.

Well, Yvonne would stop to vomit.

The puke weed worked faster than we thought.

Ugh, so gross.

Okay, uh, so she stopped moving

somewhere underwater around here.

So, once she vomits, the tin will float to the surface,

so keep an eye out.

There it is. Okay, grab the net.

Hold on.

PAIGE: Take it easy, Walter.

Go slow. WALTER: We have to hurry.

We only have four minutes to release the mosquitoes.

Aah.

(shouts)

Paige!

What happened?

The-the boat must've hit a tree stump.

Are you okay?

Yeah. There's the tin. I'll get it.

You get the boat off the stump.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, I got it.

Okay, great work, Paige.

(grunting): Yeah, I got the boat free.

(growls)

Paige.

The alligator is right behind you.

(Yvonne growling)

Oh, God.

Oh. What do I do?

I've got three minutes

before the mosquitoes are useless,

but if I move, Yvonne's gonna freaking eat me.

Don't move.

The alligator's attracted to splashing

or any vibrations in the water.

Get me the hell out of here.

HAPPY: Walt.

The fanboat probably has

a 500-horsepower engine,

topping off at 45

to 50 miles per hour.

The gator tops off at 20.

Do you follow?

I do.

(Yvonne growling)

You're pissing off Yvonne.

Hold on, Paige! I'm gonna get you to safety.

Happy's insane. I can't water-ski barefoot.

HAPPY: You're not gonna water-ski.

He's gonna drag your ass.

(screaming)

I feel alert now. Just a little bit further.

Ditterman's gonna meet us up on the road. Come on.

Cabe, man, I'm really sorry.

None of this would've happened

if I wasn't wearing those stupid beads.

I just thought, if Happy might be pregnant,

I can have one last hurrah in New Orleans

before the baby comes, you know?

One last time to be wild and crazy

before responsibility sets in.

I'd hate for my immaturity to be your downfall.

That's it.

Here's the road. All right, you're gonna make it, buddy.

Move your feet, man.

You got this.

Are you kidding me?

(grunts) Oh! Oh!

Cabe, Cabe!

Come on, man. Wake up.

Cabe, come on, buddy. Wake up.

If you die on this trip,

I'll never be able to enjoy zydeco music ever again.

Come on!

Oh, Ditterman!

Hey! Over here!

I got it.

It's not working. You sure you grabbed the right syringe?

It's the antivenin. I just may have injected him too late.

Wake up, Cabe, come on.

Zydeco music sucks.

You know, that really is a quality rug you got there.

He's still affected by the drugs.

Coming up to the drop spot.

Hurry, we have 12 seconds left!

Okay. Let 'em go.

Got it.

(sighs)

Just in time.

They'll mate.

Their offspring will be sterile. Pandemic officially averted.

Guys, I just heard from Toby. Cabe is okay.

Oh, thank God. Can we please just go home?

Yeah. Oh.

Besides, we should get back to L.A. soon.

You don't want to miss that lecture tonight.

Oh, no... wouldn't want to miss that.

(school bell ringing)

Our bikes...

Who did this to us?

Oh, no.

Did you do this?

I gave the mean girls a taste of their own medicine.

By vandalizing their bikes?

I just locked them up.

There's 20 locks over there, Ralph.

That's over two million potential combinations

to comb through. Exactly.

I came here to use diplomacy, to talk to Patty's principal

or her guidance counselor.

How'd that work out for you?

His mom is gonna kill him.

What were you thinking?

That those girls were cruel

and they did a bad thing.

And now you've done a bad thing.

You can't respond to bullying with more bullying.

Why not?

In physics, two negatives often equal a positive.

This isn't physics.

And don't try to outsmart the situation.

Stupid behavior plus stupid behavior

just leads to more stupidity.

- But, Mom... - Quiet. Let me ask you a question.

Do you think those girls will be nicer to Patty now?

Or do you think that they'll dislike her more?

Did you help the problem or exacerbate it?

Over 200 IQ and you need me to figure it out for you.

(sighs) I'm sorry.

You're gonna pay for any damage

that may have happened to those bikes.

You're gonna apologize to those girls,

and you're gonna take whatever punishment

the principal thinks is right.

In Ralph's defense, the principal is a tool.

Eavesdropper.

Ralph.

You're a good kid.

Your heart was in the right place.

Thanks. But...

your head was up your butt.

Thank you for what you did today.

Principal Carlisle removed my tardy.

She did? Yes.

On the condition that you never visit her office again.

Done and done.

Heard some kids messed with the queen bee's bikes.

It wasn't me, just so you know. I don't know who did it.

Well, when you're mean, you make enemies.

Not saying it was right, though.

Can I tell you something?

Of course.

Thing is, if I'm being honest,

I don't have a lot of friends.

I'm aware that my personality is a bit intense

and different than the other kids.

I'm sure you have plenty of... I don't.

But what I'm trying to say is,

I'm thankful that you're one of them.

Patty, you have loads of friends.

Ralph, Paige,

Walter, Toby, the entire team.

And that puts you

way ahead of where I was at your age.

You had a tough time in high school?

The toughest.

So it gets better?

It gets so much better.

Patty, you're gonna go on to do great things.

You're already on your way.

Trust me.

I wouldn't lie to my friend.

(groans)

That stings. Stop squirming.

I think every pricker bush in those woods

took a bit out of me today. (winces)

So I thought you were gonna stay down there a bit longer,

get your party on in the bayou.

No, I had a realization today.

I, I realized that I don't want to be the guy

that wakes up shirtless in a parked streetcar anymore.

Metaphorically speaking?

Yeah...

I just... Having a baby does not make you a man.

Taking care of a baby makes you a man.

And I could barely care for Cabe today,

and the guy's almost 60.

He almost drowned

in quicksand today because of me.

I got to...

I got to stop with the childish antics

and prepare to properly take care of our future child.

I get it.

I had an eye-opening day myself.

I thought I'd be okay staying back,

quarterbacking from the garage,

but I went a little crazy.

I like getting my hands dirty,

being in control.

But having a baby means

a lot of things will be out of my control.

That is a hard adjustment to make,

and I feel like...

- I'm losing a bit of my identity. - Yeah.

I think we both are.

I'm gonna have to stop being a man-boy all the time.

And you're gonna have to stop

being a controlasaurus all the time.

That might be a good thing, you know?

There's a lot of changes coming our way.

We got to make some changes, too.

Now stop squirming.

(whimpers)

Ah.

Okay, Sly's gonna take you home.

I get to go to a stimulating lecture

on major loop deterrence?

"Trigger Loop as a Major Determinant

of Transcriptional Fidelity."

That doesn't sound so bad.

Oh, I'd rather be at the swamp with the alligators.

Uh, Paige, uh, bad news.

The lecture was canceled.

There's not as much interest in the topic as they thought.

Really? That's surprising.

Yeah. It is. Uh... but it's probably a good thing, right?

You must be tired after today.

This way you can go home with Ralph and rest.

Yeah, that's too bad, but I'm actually pretty spent.

Being dragged through the swamp

is draining, so it's probably for the best.

Okay, well, get some rest.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Tomorrow it is.

Okay, Ralph, let's go.

(door swings open)

(door closes)

Oh, hey, guys.

Have plans tonight?

Uh, staying in, taking it easy.

Order some pizza.

Okay, well, enjoy your pizza.

Uh, I'll see you in the morning.

Smell you later, 197.

What happened to losing the man-boy?

"Smell you later" is a classic, goes nowhere.

Do you...?

Hey, guys. What are you doing?

I'm gonna make sure Patty gets home safe,

and then I'm gonna go check on Cabe.

Okay. Have a good night.

See you later, Walter. Bye, Walt.

(phone chimes)

Excellent.

(car door opens)

Hey.

(car door closes) I'm glad you could make it.

I thought this topic might be of interest to you.

I'm sorry it was such short notice.

Are you kidding me? This lecture has been sold out for months.

I'm psyched.

Wonderful. Well, let's go have a stimulating evening.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man