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My name is Milos Hrma. They often laughed at my name.

But otherwise, we were a happy family.

Our great-grandfather Lukas as a tambour

fought on the Charles Bridge of Prague

and when the students threw cobblestones at the soldiers

they hit great-grandfather with such aim

that he was getting a pension ever since. One gulden per day.

He didn't do anything after that, except buy a bottle of rum

and a pack of tobacco every day.

Such luck, Milos, imagine you've got a uniform.

Once again, somebody in the family that made good.

My grandfather William was a hypnotist

and the whole town believed his hypnotism was prompted

by a desire to go through life without any effort.

You must be careful not to have the trains crash.

The whole town would envy us.

My father, an engine driver, has been retired

since the age of forty eight and people are mad with envy

since dad is healthy and will draw his pension

for twenty, maybe thirty years...

without doing a thing.

When you come to the platform for the first time

everybody will realize what a famous family we are.

Gee, you look nice, Milos.

Great-grandfather Lukas bought a bottle of rum

and two packs of tobacco every day.

Instead of staying home he went to see the workers

and made fun of the hard-working men.

So every year grandpa Lukas would get beaten somewhere.

And in 1930 great-grandfather boasted in front of stone cutters

whose quarry had just been closed

and they beat him so badly he died.

And when the Germans crossed the frontiers in March

and proceeded towards Prague,

grandfather William decided to face the Germans on his own

with hypnosis and stop the advancing tanks

by the force of his thoughts.

With outstretched hands and eyes glued to the Germans,

he tried to get them to turn around and go back.

Actually the first tank stopped and the entire army stopped,

but then the tank started forward again

and grandfather wouldn't move -

so the tank went right over him, cutting off his head

and nothing more stood in the way of the Reich's army.

SHOEMAKER

And I went through a preparation course

and I'm going to be a train-dispatcher

and the entire town knows I want to be a train-dispatcher

for the simple reason that I don't want to do anything

just like my ancestors except to stand on the platform

with a signal disc and avoid any hard work,

while others have to drudge and toil.

BASED ON THE NOVEL BY BOHUMIL HRABAL

CLOSELY WATCHED TRAINS

My little loves, my babies. My little dears...

My May children, here this is for you.

My winged kiddies, take a grain,

This is from the Countess, does it taste nice?

Eat up my little ones. You like it?

Here have some more, go ahead. There... there...

Apprentice Hrma Milos reporting to work.

Welcome Milos. At ease.

Your Dad was the best engine driver in the district.

He once threw out the stoker while the train was in motion.

There my little chicks. Come here, pigeons fly.

Take a grain, here boys.

What a station, son, that's a farm in itself.

Double gates that open and close. Otherwise, we are closed.

We have arrivals and departures. Otherwise we are closed.

So, why do you have it half open?

Mr. Novak, I thought you would settle it.

That clock has such a beautiful sound.

Hiya Milos.

Hiya Masa.

You look sharp.

You look nice too, Masa.

Quite a girl.

What sort of girl is she?

A nice one.

Nice, nice, they all are, but what else?

Countess, the station-master at your service.

I need two freight cars to take the cattle to the slaughterhouse,

we are getting short on fodder so I'll have to sell a few heifers.

The moral in our district is getting worse and worse.

In Kostelni Lhota the church has to be consecrated all over again.

Fornication behind the altar.

What a woman, look at those legs.

She's more like a dream than a real woman.

If she bent over me, the whole world would become dim.

One car, but with good rings. I must sell some bulls too.

- You're not afraid of horses? - Me, afraid of horses, Countess?

I used to serve under Count Chotek and Prince Silva el Tores.

Bon. Next time when you come up to the castle,

I'll send you this stallion instead of the carriage.

Milos, I had the most wonderful dream.

Woman, that's nature's jewel.

Now all the Countess ever sends is two cases of beer

and a bottle of liquor...

I dreamt that I turned into a carriage and the Countess

held me by the shaft-bar and guided me to the store-room.

You should have all this before the war,

when the lord master himself went somewhere.

The station-master had the carpet unfurled

from the carriage to the platform,

all the pensioners came in their uniforms.

Everybody saluted and in the afternoon a whole carriage

full of liquor, beer, wine and food

was sent down from the castle.

And what about your girlfriend, tell us.

How's it going?

That clock has a beautiful sound.

It's a bit tight here.

A railroad inspector like you'll be,

is like a major in the army during the Austrian monarchy.

Exactly. But don't forget the shoulders.

One of my shoulders is shorter.

The golden ornaments, the star and sequins with the gold braid

must be sewn on with gold thread.

Come in.

Sir, what about the Countess' cattle,

are we going to load it on track five?

On five, but first of all the cattle for the Countess,

secondly polish your shoes

and finally don't talk with the conductor on the platform.

You must consider your position, man, you'll be a train-dispatcher

Don't take after Hubicka,

he won't get a promotion for ten years.

Why? Those women of his. Better take your example from me.

Good morning, friends.

The situation of our armies fighting for the welfare

of all the nations of Europe, whether willing or unwilling,

is favorable.

We were forced to withdraw here somewhat,

but here our armies tactically withdrew from the Baltic area.

Here's a beautiful tactical withdrawal from the Dniepr

to the Danube,

here we have tactically withdrawn from the Americans

as far as Belgium. And here this masterful stroke in Italy?

But why?

Precisely, why? Because the enemies are crawling into a trap,

can't you see it? Look carefully.

Here we'll disembark to the back lines of the enemy.

Here for the Russians in the Caucasus from Turkey

and to Petrograd from Sweden,

here we'll avoid the enemy and disembark from Sicily

and here in the back lines of the Americans in France.

And here they are trapped and we'll chase them from two sides.

Why?

So that everyone can live happily, that's why I came.

Here, sign this proclamation stating that you understand

if one neglects his duties at the station he'll be in for it

for at least ten years, also for life or the death penalty.

That's all there is to it, only a few Czech chauvinists

think that they can turn back the course of history,

but the Fuhrer means well, even with the good Czechs

and believes in providence which will not abandon us...

Where is... Where is the station stamp?

Special attention must be devoted to carefully watching the trains.

Yes? There.

Maybe I should get dressed, this way...

No, no, no, no, no, when fighting for final victory

clothes are not important.

Let us leave fashion for peace time.

Why?

Stop asking such silly questions.

Why shouldn't he ask, he's young.

Why? To save humanity.

Why?

Because that's what the Fuhrer wants.

But we must like each other,

because we are all in the same boat.

Is that clear?

So long friends.

Cousin, train dispatcher's cousin,

what beautiful little ears you have.

All they need are nice earrings.

Really?

Why don't you do something about it?

Do you know any other anecdotes?

Max, dinner.

One butcher used to carry udders out of the slaughter house

and since they usually had an inspection at the gate

he carried it in his pants.

In his fly? You're killing me.

Yes and he took the streetcar.

A lady sitting next to him looks at him and says

Mister, something is showing...

the man then takes a knife, cuts off the udder and says,

never mind I've got three more.

And what did the lady do?

She fainted.

Mr. Station-master, this joke sounds different now.

Everything is alright, the butcher managed

to carry out the udder, takes the tram, sits down,

the lady also points out that something is showing...

and the butcher takes a knife...

cuts...

the lady turns pale...

Well, not so much the lady as the butcher, who screams,

Christ, that was the real one.

Mr. Station-master this is really a score for my cousin.

No, no, this really happened.

- Have a drink. - Thanks.

A necklace would look real nice on this beautiful neck.

Hurry, Max, your food will get cold.

Coming. Or a little cross.

Max...

I'm coming.

Max, if you don't come this very minute,

I'm not going to warm your food.

I have to go down.

I have to work on a report for the management.

This is for a sweater for Countess.

Who is that laughing out there?

The dispatcher's cousin.

Such terrible morals these days.

The Countess told me in secret that they will have to consecrate

the church in Kosteln Lhtota all over again.

But that's what you get when there is no power over people.

Mr. Dispatcher...

I don't know how to tell you.

But did you always get along so well with women

the way you do now with the cousin?

Oh God no, I was no good with women at all.

How long is it going to take?

Two hours.

Nothing is sacred to this guy.

Terrible downfall.

Was the soup too salty?

No. But today the church stands on clay feet...

I could fry the rabbit, what do you think?

I'd be better if God called everyone to the Last Judgment

and put an end to everything. Armageddon.

Armageddon.

Sodom and Gomorrah - what morals.

Milos, we can relax now, only a few freight trains

in both directions. Just like streetcars.

Take over and serve me well.

My ears will be with you.

The curse of an erotic century. Armageddon.

Condemn the authors of pornography.

Away with the monstrosity of young people's imagination.

I can hear you Milos, you're doing well,

but you forgot the telegraph.

Remember next time.

Hi Milos.

Hello.

I'm on my way from work, so I stopped to see you.

Yes.

Well, I'll be on my way.

Masa.

I have to go now.

They tore the sofa.

My official Austrian sofa. In two parts.

That disgusting guy sees nothing but nasty things. Bleh.

At least if he'd show his low nature.

Whatever he does with those bitches in the hall,

he can't do it on his boss's sofa!

I'll show you how wonderful she was.

Good morning boys. Everything alright?

Station the way it should be?

Fun, fun, that's all very well,

but duty comes first, do you understand?

Fun, fun, so what? What about your girl?

She's nice.

Wait, that's not everything.

How is she in bed?

This carriage with the nurses will have to stay.

The depot does not have an engine.

Nurses. Merciful bitches that's what they are.

Terrible the way the Germans carry cattle.

Half of it is dead.

I saw one cow with a dead calf hanging from its rear,

already rotting.

The Germans are pigs.

The cattle feels it.

Once we loaded a bull on the train, he put up some fight.

I thought he was going to break the sides off,

so I took a knife and cut his eyes out.

The bull was quiet as a lamb.

Last time they carried three carloads of nearly dead sheep.

They were so hungry, they chewed each other's fur.

The Germans are pigs.

Is this place Milovice?

No, no, this is Kostomlat.

Is it far to Milovice?

- Five kilometers. - How do I get there?

- Straight on. - Thanks. Let's go.

Milos,

let's go and see my uncle. I'm off.

Sure, Masa, but I'm not off until this evening.

That doesn't matter, we'll go in the evening and stay the night.

Get closer to each other and give her a nice kiss, there.

That was a beautiful kiss, and now smile,

Iook over here, that's right. Smile, one second, there,

wave and that's all. Thank you. Next please.

Next please.

Put your foot this way a little bit.

That's nice, straighten your back.

That's it. Yes, that's it.

Smile please. There. Watch that tail, it is fragile.

That's fine, smile please. Yes. Smile and stick out your chest.

That's it. Thank you. Fine. Let's go then.

Next one please, there, watch it over the steps,

don't break a leg.

Go in, I'll arrange it, all the way to the end please,

watch your head, that's good.

Your hair a bit this way, put the bag away

and your pretty teeth, your teeth.

Yes, that's nice.

Now we can focus.

Quiet, please. Don't move.

The one in green should smile a bit, yes miss,

- would you be so kind... - Uncle.

Milos, come along.

The one in purple a bit to the right, that's it, yes.

That's all then. Thank you.

Now I know why mother didn't want you to be a photographer.

Uncle is crude but kind.

What if he comes in?

Wait, they can hear everything here.

So what?

Where is the girl?

What for?

For God's sake-you really don't have a girl with you?

No.

And do you want one?

No.

You've got to be gone in an hour.

Oh my god!

You'll get me really mad and I'll spank you.

Eleven, twelve...

I told you I'd spank you.

For christsakes...

So you see doctor, I am not a real man

and I don't even want to be one.

Everything is so difficult in life, for me.

While for others it's all child's play.

In other words, when I was to act, I flopped.

You are healthy as can be, maybe too healthy.

When a young person is too healthy

he can suffer from premature ejaculation.

That has happened to me too, you're just overly sensitive.

You need to realize that this is natural, normal

and that it has to be faced as such.

Morning, Inspector, look how she came home from work.

Look, show him your behind. Write a protocol.

Look what this Hubicka did to her

and on duty too. Look what he did to her.

This, can you imagine,

I could hit that stupid girl for letting him do it.

You must write a protocol. I won't let it go. Look!

This color is produced by the Pelikan Company

and won't wash off for a week.

Mother, this will go to to the district court.

Don't think about it too much, think of something else, Milos.

Football for instance, think of football and then

choose an older, experienced woman to initiate love making.

And I took her under the neck, pressed a bit

and no sound out of her after that. I didn't want to kill her,

I don't usually steal geese. And then the neighbor came.

Come here. Look here, Sir,

how the girl looked when she came home from work.

She is a telegraphist at the station,

where Milos Hrma cut his veins. And this is how she came home.

Her behind full of rubber stamp imprints, look at it,

nice isn't it?

I've never seen anything like it.

Is that some sort of new game, Miss?

- Was it a new social game? - Yes.

He deserves to be locked up.

Say, that's no issue for court.

You can go and complain to the railroad management.

That's a case for the disciplinary commission.

Good God, look at that -

if that isn't a clear cut criminal case...

Look at him.

How do you do, I'm Milos Hrma from the station.

Out!

Hookie player Milos Hrma from Kostomlaty station... reporting.

Yes, yes young man...

Sorry for having shouted

but you should know how to report. What is it?

Premature ejaculation is what doctor Brabec said.

Nice schweinerei. But dear Hrma, look here,

young people hardly cut of the Hitlerjugend are fighting

for a new Europe, for a better future

and what is your family doing for Europe?

Your father has been lying on a sofa for a number of years

although he could have gone on serving the Reich,

your grandfather hypnotized our tanks, liberating Prague.

The youth of Germany is shedding blood on the battlegrounds

and hookie player Milos Hrma sheds it

in the bathtub of a bordello.

But I'll show you. Do you realize that I can charge you

for self mutilation in order to avoid service

in the defense of the Reich?

It could also be qualified as sabotage. There.

What should I put in the report on your case?

With your permission...

But I'm not here to procure females for such things,

I have other duties.

But I...

Out!

Welcome Milos, welcome.

You've really made our little station famous. Nice.

This is bad business for your boss.

Milos, let me see, what's happened to you?

Let me see.

And Doctor Brabec said that an older woman should teach me

at first, so I was wondering whether you wouldn't know of one?

No, I don't Milos, you'll have to find one yourself.

That's hilarious. What about your wife?

Oh no, she's all mine.

I didn't mean that.

I was just wondering whether she'd know of someone.

I know and then it ends by stamping.

And doctor Brabec also said to find one of ill repute

to teach me, you wouldn't know of one, would you?

Teach what?

At certain moments they are all alike.

But it just has to happen gradually,

you can't ask straight out that way,

even one of ill repute may scare away like that.

Don't you have a sister?

Milos...

I know...

That's something you two will never understand...

Reverend, consider this a confession, I wanted...

Come to the vicarage, the church can solve everything.

Everything will be fine, if you believe in it.

The church has mastered psychoanalysis for 600 years.

Only they will beat the burden.

Never mind, I'll consider it a Christian duty.

What are you doing? Painting? Painting?

Painting, yes, painting.

What are you painting now?

I am painting the sea from a postcard.

I am copying it, but somehow my rheumatic hand hurts

and I can't get the waves in properly, the sway of the sea.

I'll tell you what sir.

Place the postcard close to this cover, see?

And then take the brush and do this over the waves.

Over the waves like this until you get the swing in hand.

Then make them bigger and bigger, the way you need them

and put them right on the cover.

That's perfect.

So what?

Last night, partisans threw a closely watched train in the air

so smart-that the train and the bridge were destroyed.

The main track is blocked and trains going to the front

will pass by here.

Tomorrow an ammunition train will pass by here.

You'll get everything in time. The password is Viktoria Freie.

That idea with the sway of the sea is wonderful.

Run, run. The SS train stopped.

The partisans took out the rails and threw them into the forest.

Run, run.

Now they are assembling the track,

they'll be here any minute now.

They sprayed everything at the station with their bullets.

I must report it, we must cover ourselves.

This is no laughing matter.

Milos, you took over for me. I'll be grateful until death.

Come here.

Look Milos.

Tomorrow a freight train will pass through our station.

So what?

We'll blow up the train.

Sure, but how?

Don't worry, we'll get everything in time.

Do you get it, twenty eight carloads of ammunition in boxes

blowing up behind our station right into space.

Now we'll follow our closely watched train again.

The best thing would be to stand on the platform

and throw it at the middle car. But then somebody can see us.

Look.

You'll slow down the train.

Once it comes close to the signal,

let it come to a stop and give it the go-ahead signal.

What time is dinner at the Countess?

At eight thirty, sir.

At least I had the chance to try a horse from the other side.

I'm not angry with you, I know everything. I understand.

When will you come to see us? Tomorrow?

Maybe the day after tomorrow!

The day after tomorrow.

Don't be afraid, madam, that's me Milos.

What do you want?

Well you see...

Sit down.

Well you see madam, I came to see you.

The day after tomorrow I want to go see my girl -

the conductor, you know?

And she's sure to want -

you know what?

No, I don't.

Sure you do, don't pretend you don't when I know you do.

You see I am a man, but whenever I'm trying to prove

that I'm a man I no longer am.

Doctor Brabec said that I suffer from premature ejaculation.

So I came to you.

But Milos.

Well, now for instance I am a man.

Are you angry with me, madame?

No.

And you won't tell the station-master? Please? No?

No.

And you aren't angry at me?

Look, the Viennese professor doctor Otto Gruner

said that potatoes contain many harmful substances

dangerous to health.

That's interesting.

My name is Viktoria Freie.

In the morning, 28 ammunition carloads will pass the station.

Be careful.

Can I take a nap somewhere?

You wouldn't leave me alone, would you?

No, I wouldn't, but I'm on duty.

But I'll go and ask.

Sit down.

I'm Viktoria Freie.

A German? What do you do?

Circus artist. Before the war we had a whole program

of air acrobatics. And you?

I'm Milos Hrma, I've tried to commit suicide because

apparently I'm suffering from premature ejaculation,

but that's really not so, even though all the time

I just can't do a thing, but I'm a real man.

What are you thinking of now?

Of football. Doctor Brabec told me to think of football.

Our club is playing an important league game right now.

Shut the light, will you please.

So you've never had a girl before?

Really and truly not?

It came through Podebrady so it should be here in half an hour.

Look, this is how you set it.

Are you afraid?

No, I've never been so calm as I am today.

I cut myself off from the past entirely. Just like that.

Here you can rest at least. The sofa's cut in two places,

animals behave better than that.

There my little chicks...

It should be here in seven minutes.

- Who's driving the trolley? - Probably the trackman.

The disciplinary commission is opening its investigation

against train dispatcher Ladislav Hubicka.

Where is the station master?

Here.

Station-master reporting.

Good. Enough.

I've got a new uniform in the closet.

So you want to become an inspector?

Yes.

Wouldn't you prefer breeding geese?

No.

I should go and change, I've got a new uniform in the closet.

- You'll take the minutes. - Yes.

Attention. The situation of our armies fighting for the welfare

of all the nations of Europe is extremely favorable.

Holy Zdenka, is that your behind?

Yes.

And who stamped you?

Dispatcher Hubicka.

How did it happen?

We were both on night duty. I read until midnight.

There were no trains so we were bored.

Then Mr. Hubicka said we ought to play games for tokens...

So we played...

Everything flies that has wings.

Raven flies.

Child flies.

Time flies...

Train flies...

Soldier flies...

Second flies...

Death flies.

Everything flies.

Masa, dear, wait a minute. I'll be right back.

And I kept losing,

first my shoes, then stockings...

then blouse, slip

and finally my panties.

And who took them off?

Mr. Hubicka.

And now Zdena listen carefully.

Before the dispatcher put you on the table, did he use force?

Did he threaten you?

Not really. I lay down myself.

I wanted to wait and see what would happen.

Wait and see what would happen.

He really didn't threaten you?

Did use any force? No?

No.

Well, then, this is no crime restricting personal freedom,

but abuse and disgrace of the German national language.

The most noble blood of Europe goes to the front

to fight for peace. Risking their lives, their blood.

And your gratitude to the Reich?

One stamping imprints on the behind of the telegraphist

and the other one cuts his veins because of some girl.

Do you know what Czechs are? Laughing animals.

Max.

The inspector's garden is all shot to hell.

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