All language subtitles for Meru.2015.LIMITED.BluRay.1080p.DTS.x264-MTeam.EN 23.976

- Mmm.
- Thank you, dear.

'Cause they're extra-special, filled with-

Brussels sprouts.

We get the surf and turf. You guys get-

- We get the full-on Brussels sprout...
- Nice.

Extravaganza.

I can always...

put it back out there
a little bit if it's not-

When Conrad and I first got
married, he made all these promises.

"Oh, I'm never gonna
go to the big mountains again."

I knew he would never quit climbing...

but it wasn't long before he was dreaming
of some other big expedition.

And I was just rolling my eyes,
going, "Right, okay."

High-altitude Himalayan
climbing is very risky.

It is the most dangerous
professional sport.

But I think with Meru,
that risk is worth it.

As an Alpinist,
Meru is the culmination of all I've done...

and all I've wanted to do
is this peak and this climb.

I knew he was
gonna continue to climb forever...

but, you know, in what aspect,
I wasn't sure.

I know that stuff can happen.

You know, and that's what I always say.

"Yeah, yeah."

But stuff can happen.

I've been super carsick
for about an hour now.

How you doin', Jimmy?

We just airmailed a bunch of our stuff
off the top of our... truck...

so we're pickin' up the pieces right now.

Meru definitely had a reputation
as this impossible climb.

And I also knew, just by the way
that Conrad brought the trip up...

it was very nonchalant, so-

I think the more nonchalant Conrad is...

about suggesting a trip,
the more worried you oughta be.

Oh, yeah.

I was blown away when Jimmy
and Conrad approached me about Meru.

They didn't build it up very much.

They didn't say, "This is the mountain
that everyone's tried and failed on."

In their minds, I was probably-
"Oh, here's some young, fresh blood."

He's gonna be good at-

to get the rope up on certain pitches.

Namaste.

Look at this reveal here. Yes! Om, om.

The Shark's Fin on Meru central.

This climb has seen more attempts and more
failures than any route in the Himalaya.

Wow.

It's the headwaters of the Ganges River...

one of the most sacred rivers on Earth.

The center of the universe.
It's this weird nexus...

that sort of is the point where heaven and
Earth and hell all come together.

The thing that gives it the name the
Shark's Fin is this 1,500-foot blade...

of this beautiful, flawless granite...

way up high, you know, 20,000 feet.

This is the test of the master climber.

You know, it's been tried by so many
great climbers- I don't know, 20 times.

Some of the best climbers in the world
have tried and failed on this route.

Meru is not just hard.

It's hard in this really complicated way.

You can't just be a good ice climber.

You can't just be good at altitude. You
can't just be a good rock climber.

You gotta be able to ice climb, mix climb.

And you gotta be able to do
big-wall climbing at 20,000 feet.

It's all that stuff
wrapped in one package...

that's defeated so many good climbers...

and will probably defeat you and maybe
will defeat everybody for all time.

That, to a certain kind of mind-set...

is an irresistible appeal.

When we actually got there,
and I looked up at the mountain...

I didn't know... what-

what we were getting into, 'cause I'd
never seen something that complex before.

Renan's inexperience
really didn't give me any reason to pause.

I knew he was strong enough.
He knew the systems.

And as a team, you're the sum total
of all your experience.

I'd been on a number
of expeditions with Conrad.

But I hadn't done any serious
climbs with him.

And I had never done a climb with Jimmy.

I'm so adamant about
only going on expeditions...

with people that I know and that I trust.

And there's one exception to that rule...

and that's if somebody that I really,
really trust and know well, like Conrad...

says, "This guy's worth bringing up."

I had heard about Renan,
and I'd seen him in a climbing film...

where he was, uh, free soloing
North Six Shooter.

So I was like, "Okay. Gotta meet Renan."

I saw this clip of Renan
free soloing Lighting Bolt Cracks.

You see him do that stuff,
and it looks out there.

He looks like something's
lit a fire under him.

I heard about this kid
who's a super-talented climber.

And he was living on the road...

like most climbing bums...

especially climbers
that are coming into the scene.

Except for he didn't even have a car.

He was literally just
dropped off in the desert.

When I first met Renan,
he was mostly creating art in sketchbooks.

Smaller-scale stuff.

And then he started taking
big canvases out on expeditions.

'Cause he was- At this point, he was
starting to go on more expeditions.

Every opportunity was appreciated,
and he was basically going nonstop.

5:30 in the evening.
Time to start the route.

It's... crisp and cold.

We're waiting for the sun to move away.

So it'll set up and will freeze.

Uh, this is the best moment-

That... moment where everything
comes down, and you're really starting.

Of course, I said that when we left
Gangotri and when we left Bozeman.

But... now we're gonna camp
on the mountain tonight.

Conrad first tried Meru in 2003...

and got his ass kicked.

It was super-technical climbing.
This isn't Everest.

This is a whole different
kind of climbing.

'Cause on Everest, you can hire Sherpas
to carry all your stuff...

to fix the ropes for you,
to take most of the risks.

Jimmy and Conrad have climbed
Everest four or five times.

Jimmy's even skied off the top.

But Meru is the anti-Everest.

No one's gonna carry your stuff.

If you need it, you need
to carry it on your back.

And for Meru, you need
a lot of tools to do the job.

Because the climbing covers
the whole spectrum.

This upper 1,500 feet,
the Shark's Fin, is smooth.

It's clean. It's nearly featureless.

But below that is 4,000 feet of really
gnarly climbing- this fluted snow.

Dangerous, exposed.

So, time after time, guys would do that
first 4,000 feet, light and fast...

thinkin' they're really studs.

And then they get to the Fin,
and it's a big wall.

And you gotta use big wall
techniques on the upper part of Meru.

And you gotta go slow
for that kind of climbing.

Maybe you'll only do 200 feet in a day.

Maybe it's gonna take you six or seven
days to do that top 1,500 feet.

And if it's gonna take you that long, if
you're going slow, you need a portaledge.

You need food and water and fuel.

Pretty soon, that's, like,
200 pounds of stuff.

You need a big wall rack,
50 pounds of iron.

So you gotta get that 200 pounds of crap
up the first 4,000 feet.

And none of the previous climbers-

and Conrad, his first time-
they couldn't believe that.

They're not gonna climb that way.

Humpin' loads. Feel the altitude a bit.

But Conrad after that first
time said, "Huh."

Here's the deal.
I see this, this epiphany.

You gotta do this big wall style
and get your stuff up there.

- Man, how's it going?
- It's goin'-

Nighttime ops. Out climbing.
Luckily, the screws are solid.

Now, why do we do this stuff?

The view. The view.

I think it's 2:00 in the morning.
We went for the ghetto bivy...

on the shoulder instead
of setting up the ledge.

It's a lot easier. We got some Korean-

Tell us the reason why- the real
reason why we didn't set up anything.

'Cause we're worked a little bit maybe.

Could be worse. The sky could be, like,
unloading on us right now.

Look what's happening over here.

That's Conrad lying in the snow.

And here's my really pathetic bivy.

Oh, grim.

You know it's grim when you're- Yeah.

- When you bivy directly on the snow.
- Yeah.

And it's snowing out a little bit too.

Very first light.

Goin' since... 2:00-ish.

Pretty much made
a bunch of mistakes already today.

Takin' me to school...

Yet again.

But, we're makin' good progress...

haulin' 200-pound loads...

up a 3,000-foot snow filter...

at 16,000 feet.

See that system comin' in here
pretty soon.

Conrad and I have been through
some tough expeditions together...

all around the world.

We were on K7 in Pakistan.

We skied Denali, and
we've been on Everest together.

Conrad's reputation
among climbers is flawless.

The irony is he became world famous
for finding Mallory's body...

during an Everest climb...

instead of for his difficult
first ascents around the world.

Most of my generation of climbers grew up
following his expeditions.

Back then I'd never imagined
I'd actually get to climb with him.

So it's hard to believe this will be
almost seven years as climbing partners.

It got a little snowy.

Yup.

- But we're committed to going up.
- Yeah.

It's only gonna be snowy for a little bit.
Then it's gonna be nice.

Right?

Meanwhile we look out
into inside of a Ping-Pong ball.

A storm came...

and we fought to build
our hanging portaledge camp.

Whoo! Nice work!

Which is basically
a hanging cot with a tent over it.

- Holy Jesus.
- Okay, good.

Then we start hearing
the avalanches coming off on the side...

ripping out next to you.

Look, it's snowing outside.

Living in a portaledge, and it's snowing.

I kind of feel like Christmas somehow.

This is what
we want for Christmas- a snowstorm and...

- to sit here in the-
- On the Shark's Fin?

- Yeah.
- All soaking wet. Awesome.

And so, we're there for a day.
Then we're there for two days.

Then we're there for three days.

And basically, we're stuck on
the portaledge for four days.

It was...
one of the biggest storms I'd ever seen.

It was four days in the storm...

and we had only seven days of food total.

So, we ended up, you know,
depleting a lot of our food supply.

We had essentially lost half our food.

And 90% of the mountain
was still above us.

It's Samsara- the bivy of suffering.

I thought, "Okay, it's over."

"We've had a good run at it."

Cold. Where's the sun we had
the last couple days?

We're up here freezing.

This is too much for me.

I'm in over my head.
And I'm glad to have the experience...

but I'm also glad that
we're going down tomorrow.

The storm clears finally.

And you know, in my head,
I'm like, "Okay, you know..."

now it's time to move. Storm's over."

So when we started gearing up
that day and getting ready to climb...

you know, there was some confusion,
I think, for Renan, that we were going-

uh, you know,
that we were going up as opposed to down.

Okay.

They just started racking up
to continue up the mountain.

I didn't know why or how-
what they were thinking.

And especially Conrad.

I'd never seen him so... motivated...
about a climb.

Climbing's a really dangerous sport.

And a good partner will
push you to the summit...

but at the same time, keep you aware of
the risks that are involved with it.

Belaying out of the portaledge...

That 100% trust in your partner
is pretty special.

I think Renan was shocked...

because he hadn't ever really
had anything at that extent.

And Jimmy and I, we'd been through that.

We're pushing on through it, and it's that
understanding of "It's not that bad."

And that's where a mentor comes in.

Climbing is this weird craft, you know,
passed down from generation to generation.

The way you learn is you have a mentor.

Conrad learned at the feet of Mugs Stump.

Conrad was this young phenom, and Mugs was
one of the great climbers in the world.

Mugs was great.
He took me under his wing.

He was the sensei,
and I was the grasshopper.

He pushed me.

He had taken what was unshapen
and given shape to it.

Still, to this day,
a very important part of my life.

So Conrad,
he'd found the perfect mentor.

And Mugs would take him into his van
and lift the prayer flag...

and there's his special goal,
which is this peak called Meru.

And Conrad was like, "Ooh."

And Mugs tried it twice-
I think in '86 and '88.

Failed both times,
for all kinds of reasons.

But to Mugs, this didn't deter him.
This was- He is the cosmic climber...

and this is all part of the cosmic plan,
and he was gonna go back.

And I'm sure Conrad-
That made a huge impression on him.

So then, 1992, two years
after I met Conrad...

uh, Mugs died on Denali,
guiding a bootleg client.

I was working in Salt Lake
and went climbing.

And, uh, we were driving back.

And my friend Doug said,
"Hey, we think Mugs has died."

I remember exactly on the interstate where
Doug had that conversation.

I was like, "Oh, fuck!"

Because I always thought that
shit like that's gonna happen.

But it's not gonna happen to Mugs.
He was the best.

Climbing with your mentor
is a dangerous thing sometimes...

because you give them all of your trust.

I gave them everything, and...

there was a constant battle
in my mind every day.

I'd be freezing,
shivering uncontrollably...

But I definitely didn't want
to be the guy that said...

"Oh, I'm cold. I want to go down."

Loose, eh?

It must have been negative
20 when the sun went around the corner.

It's debilitating trying to climb
in those kind of temperatures.

It's all about climbing the cracks.

I don't see any here.

We'd hit these totally
blank sections of rock.

And I was sure there wasn't
anywhere else to go.

But then Jimmy or Conrad
would launch into the void.

You know, this is steep,
modern A4 E-climbing.

It's using tools. You're a craftsman...

tapping and pounding and tweaking.

And he's like this cabinetmaker...

chiseling away at this cabinet
out of walnut or something.

Except, you know, if you hit that chisel
one more time and you're a cabinetmaker...

maybe you split it and
you ruin this cabinet- bummer.

If on an A4 pitch, you,
like, split the cabinet, you die.

Yeah, I'll tent right there.

Uh, you wanna be here? Where you wanna be?

I don't care. I'm right on this edge.
I'll sit here for now.

I got some hot bevies.

It's hard to overstate
what kind of condition we were in.

Barely.

We're literally down to eating a couple
spoonfuls of granola in the morning...

and sharing a couple slices
of salami during the day...

with couple pieces of cheese.

I mean, we're definitely
on pretty limited rations at this point.

Roasty.

For climbers over a stove
on a half-empty jug of propane...

there's nothing finer
than roasting the rind.

It becomes quite tasty.

'Cause basically eating
everything that you have left.

Super efficient.

Next week, we'll be eating our boots.

You know, Conrad talks a lot
about how to keep the risk manageable.

Talks about there's acceptable risk
and unacceptable risk.

But he always keeps it on the acceptable
side by leaving this margin.

Om, shanti.

But... you know,
he had tried this climb before...

failed, and even
if he didn't admit it to himself...

to succeed, he was gonna have to throw
that conservative stuff out the window...

and take mega-risk on this.

But, you know,
if they want to stay alive...

they cannot fuck up at all.

And he talked about,
"If I die, I've really let down my family.

I cannot make any mistakes."

That's not good to be thinkin'
when you're that far out there.

He is thinkin', "Man, I cannot die now..."

because then I've blown it
for my wife and kids."

Jenni has no idea.

She has no fucking idea
what he is really doin' out there.

Fuck.

We're all just kind of frayed.

Sixteen days up here,
just givin' it everything we have.

It's been really slow.

And, uh, we're running
out of fuel actually.

Um, and food. And cigarettes and papers.

But tomorrow is kind of the decider.

If we, uh...

don't get up and around
this big, steep headwall...

we're gonna have to
pull the cord, but, uh...

we got one last push tomorrow.

Jimmy's strength is that
he's very rational and accepting...

and real in what we can do.

When we first met,
I realized right away...

there was a mentorship
that was going to blossom.

I also immediately sensed that
he was driven and determined.

And I never really knew why.

My parents called me Xiao-pang.

It means "Little Chub."

My parents had to escape
from China during the Communist Revolution.

They both went through a lot.

They came to the United States
to make a new life.

And I think they had
really high expectations for me.

My dad was a hard-ass.

In the wintertime, we would get cords of
wood to heat the house.

And he'd put it in the back
of this huge yard we had...

and make me drag it back
on a sled in thigh-deep snow.

He was really about being tough.

Mountain climbing,
it wasn't a career to them.

My mom used to call me all the time...

and lament about the fact
her son was this homeless man...

who wandered around
and camped and didn't have a home.

But when I went through
a difficult divorce...

and called Jimmy, crying, upset...

his first words were, "Come stay with me."

So, we just moved into his bachelor pad.

Two kids, all their markers
and Legos.

Yeah.

And he just took us right in.

You know, he's another one of
these extremely accomplished climbers.

You don't appreciate
how good a climber he is...

because
you get distracted by the art...

which is probably the way he likes it.

And taking pictures makes
the climbing Way harder.

He was filming this Everest
expedition, and his morn got really sick.

And he found out about it and had to leave
so he could see her before she died.

My mom had made me promise
fairly early on, she was like...

"If you're gonna make this your life,
you need to promise me one thing.

You have to promise me that
you will not die before me."

And when I was on climbs
and on expeditions...

I would get to a certain point,
and I would say, "Okay."

"How close am I willing to go to
potentially break that promise?"

So, after my mom died...

when the climbing
started to get into that place...

I remember a moment being like,
"Well, I can go for it right now."

Conrad's up there. Can't find good gear.

Our hands and feet are all frost-numb.

Nice, Rad.

Good move.

We're probably at about 20,500 feet.

Just short of the ridge.

It's fucking Arctic.

Today's our summit bid.

Bring it in.

- Whoo!
- Yeah, Rad!

Nice!

The game in climbing is cut
that line as fine as you can.

But you don't want to take stupid risk.

If you die taking a stupid risk,
not only are you dead...

but you've embarrassed yourself
and you've disgraced yourself.

You're not supposed to take risk lightly.

You're supposed to show
that you're so good and so controlled...

you can take it right to that line
and go no further.

It's been a super long morning.
Started at 2:00.

Probably another 500 feet to the summit.

We're gunning for the summit ridgeline...

and Conrad's burrowing through
this overhanging cornice.

Renan is in the line of fire.

Snow and ice falling 150 feet...

just slamming Renan.

All the shrapnel and
the ice that he was kicking down...

was going directly onto me-

like, constant deluge.

And I could really feel
that I was losing my fingers and toes.

I started just screaming...
and yelling and crying.

That was my absolute last breaking point.

I even said something when I got up there,
like, "My feet aren't doing so well."

They didn't even acknowledge what I said.

They were talking about
spending the night there.

Conrad and I are having
a conversation like...

"Is there a spot to bivy? Is there a spot
for us to spend the night?"

Trying to sleep perched
on this tiny little corner...

at 20,000 feet without sleeping bags...

and risk fingers and toes.

What if we push on? Should we push on?

If you go for it
and you spend the night out...

there's a probability
that's higher than you want...

that you... aren't gonna come back.

Just shy of the summit.

It's 4:00, and we're at 17 days.

- We're fuckin' roasted.
- Started out this morning at midnight.

If we go today and attempt to the summit,
that means we're gonna be out tonight...

and an unplanned bivouac at 20,000 feet
in really cold climate...

without proper protection
and without sufficient food...

just doesn't make any sense.

It's over.

A hundred meters short of the summit.

We just don't have
the safety margin to make it.

It's not easy turning around. But-

Fuck, this thing was an ass-kicker.

Maybe it just wasn't meant to be climbed.

But I'm not coming back.

I mean, that's just so-

- The center of the universe is-
- Unattainable.

When we finally made
the decision to go down...

it was a relief.

Uh, it was also heartbreaking.

Our feet are... hammered
and we're just emaciated.

When we got down off the mountain...

our condition was this combination
of frostbite and trench foot.

Trench foot is what you get...

when your feet and your hands are in
this wet, damp condition...

for a long period of time,
and they start to rot.

I came back in a wheelchair.
I couldn't really walk for a few weeks.

All of us gave it our best.
We pushed our limits.

Uh, there was something left undone.

But... I was possessed.

I wasn't even down, and I was like...

"Okay, do I come back in
pre-monsoon, post-monsoon?

When are we gonna do it,
and what do we gotta do better this time?"

After 2008, Renan and I ended up
on a bunch of different shoots together.

We went all over the world.
We were in Chad, Africa.

We were in Borneo.

We worked on a ton of jobs together.

We knew that there were a number of teams
who attempted the Shark's Fin after us.

And then this great Slovenian
climber named Silvo Karo...

called Conrad to ask for beta-
ask for information on the route.

And so we gave him our total support.
We weren't being possessive of the climb.

We weren't- it wasn't-
We don't own that mountain.

We were like,
"Here it is. Here's what we learned."

And, "Finish the story
of the Shark's Fin."

Because then we don't
have to go back. It's done.

And we kind of assumed Silvo would get it.

And then I got a call
from Conrad, you know.

And all he said was, "He didn't get it."

At that point we're like,
"Okay." Gears turning. "We're going back."

They say the best Alpinists
are the ones with the worst memory.

About six months before
we were supposed to head to Meru...

on our second attempt...

Renan and I were out shooting
a commercial project in Jackson Hole.

It's not too steep up here.
The summit's probably right here.

I had gotten a call from
Jeremy Jones and Xavier de Le Rue...

two of the best big-mountain
snowboarders in the world.

In here, is this the steepest part?

It was a big job,
and I asked Renan to film on it...

even though he wasn't a great skier.

This line, below this
is, like, thousands of cliffs.

I'm stoked. Those are the first turns
I've ever made with Jeremy and Xav.

Bodes well.

That was awesome.

We were headed down together
when I saw Renan catch an edge.

And he spun out of control
and disappeared over a cliff.

Oh. Oh!

I got down to him,
and there was blood all around his head.

I got it.

He'd smashed his skull,
and you could see into his head.

I thought he was gonna die... in my arms.

I felt responsible.

He has an open, depressed
skull fracture with pneumocephali...

which is air inside the skull.

And... he has a C2 teardrop fracture
and lateral mass fracture...

as well as a C6 spinous process fracture.

We came out, okay?

He's gonna be immobilized for a long time.
They're gonna take him to surgery.

Any sort of, like,
significant risks during the surgery?

Absolutely.

So they tell us we can see him
and they roll him out, and he just looked-

I- I mean, I recognized him, but-

I mean, he looked so beat down.

So when I found you,
you were... face down... in a pile.

You essentially had, like,
a triangle about that big-

about that big where I could
see your skull.

Renan had landed on
his head and severely fractured his skull.

He broke two vertebrae in his neck.

He severed one of his vertebral arteries.

And basically cut off
half the blood flow to his brain.

I asked, I said,
"Well, what are we talkin' about here?"

They were like, "90% of people with any
one of these injuries will never walk again."

His head injury-
They were saying, you know-

it was within a millimeter
of him being a vegetable.

- Here we are-
- I got a call from Jimmy.

He said, "There's been
a really severe accident."

And I drove down right away.

We had this moment where it was...

"You're gonna be fine. Things are good."

And we got up and we got the walker...

and we walked from east to west
on the linoleum floor.

- Recovery mode.
- Yeah.

Let's go somewhere quick,
so we can get our job done.

Yep.

- September.
- Exactly.

At the time,
he was like, "I want to go to Meru."

But I didn't want to be like,
"Dude, you're hooped. I mean, come on."

You don't have the heart to tell
someone something's impossible.

You're not gonna stuff 'em
right at that moment and say...

"Dude, what are you talkin' about?
You're never goin' back to Meru.

You're never goin' climbing."
You just don't say those kind of things.

We'll see how it-
see how it does at altitude at some point.

Once I knew Renan was stable...

I headed back to Jackson
to try and finish the job.

As far as Jimmy coming back...

"no one would have said anything
if Jimmy said, "I'm not going to do it."

"Um, I'm done."

Those are real personal decisions.

It was kind of a, "All right, you have to
get back on the horse" mentality.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Xavier de Le Rue.

Dropping!

The general mood was pretty light.

Our objective for the day
had been reached. Good vibes.

Our conversation before dropping in was...

go one at a time,
make sure everyone's in a safe spot.

Dropping!

So, Jeremy made a couple turns.

Cut up on the side of this safe zone.

Called me in,
and I make a turn right next to his turn.

And then- And then I feel it-

The whole slope shift.

I yell, "Avalanche."

Just screaming, "Get out,
get out, get out."

For a moment, it looks like slow motion.

And the next moment,
everything went to fast-forward.

And it just- I got swept.

I'm airborne.

Totally weightless.

And I lost sight of him.
That was the last I saw of Jimmy.

And the slide just kept
going and going and going and going.

I just got crushed under
an ocean of car-sized blocks.

Probably going 70, 80 miles an hour...

down 2,000 vertical feet.

And in my mind, I heard this voice...

having this conversation that was like...

"Wow, I- I always wondered
how I was gonna die...

and now- now I know."

I was just expecting to get
torn to pieces.

But after a while,
it started to slow down.

And this weird undercurrent
started pushing me up through the snow.

And at the last moment...

I popped out of the toe of this thing...

buried up to my chest.

I was in that moment being like,
"Oh, my God. I'm in one piece."

Like, I coughed up this huge chunk
of snow, and I took this huge breath...

and I was like-

And I looked at my arms,
and I was like, I mean...

I couldn't even believe
they were still connected to my body.

And then, um-

Yeah, it was a lot.

It was really difficult to
descend and felt like forever.

But I come around the corner...

and way out at the very bottom...

of the biggest debris fields
I've ever seen...

is Jimmy sitting upright.

I haven't seen a fuckin' slide-

This avalanche has
trumped all avalanches I've ever seen.

I couldn't help but think, "Jimmy's dead."

I just can't believe that he survived it.

Oh, boy!

We just saw a miracle.

Yeah, they saw a miracle.

Or I saw superhuman effort.
I saw somethin'. I don't know.

Most people don't survive
those kinds of avalanches.

People die in a lot lesser avalanches.

So I got really lucky.

Took off for a while.
I disappeared off the map...

and I needed some time
to really contemplate.

After Renan's near-death accident...

Jimmy was extremely shaken.

And then the avalanche four days later.

It really contributed to him
reexamining his life.

He'd been given a second chance, and so
what do you do with a second chance?

So, Jimmy survived this thing
that people don't survive...

and he was really messed up.

He was in a bad way psychologically.

And this makes you doubt
your judgment about everything.

He bailed from various commitments.

He's not goin' anywhere.
He's certainly not goin' to Meru.

Renan can't go to Meru.
He's crippled, maybe for life. Seriously.

You know, no one knew
if Renan was gonna come out of this.

Renan and I got together.
He had his neck brace on...

and he was in his La-Z-Boy chair.

And he was kind of like this.

I'm offering encouragement.
I'm like, "Yes, we can do this."

"This is- This is good."

Yet, in the back of my mind,
I knew that I might have to be-

it might be, "Renan, you're just physically
are not prepared to go back to Meru."

I think Conrad was
the driving force for the entire trip.

At first I didn't want him to go back,
but it was just that loyalty to Mugs...

and wanting to fulfill that shared dream.

Having climbed mountains myself,
I understood that.

Especially if it's a first ascent.
No one's been there before you.

After some time off and-
and some serious contemplation...

the idea of not skiing and not climbing
and not being in the mountains...

um, was- was too much to- to imagine.

I just wasn't ready to give it all up.

There was only five months
until we were supposed to leave for Meru.

It was a pretty serious
point in time where...

I didn't care that I was injured.

I just cared that I wasn't going to be
able to join the team again.

Can I have you bring your arms up like so?

And I'm sure, to
my friends and family, that was really hard...

because they just wanted to see me okay.

I just feel bad to put them through that.

One of the fractures
is this thing back here...

which is so far displaced
that that's not gonna really heal.

This is the second fracture.

One of the biggest question
marks was the vertebral artery.

I'd lost half the blood supply
to my brain...

and climbing at altitude,
there's a high risk of...

some sort of blood clot
getting through that artery...

and giving me a stroke during the climb.

But for me, it was worth the risk.

It was something that I had to do.

It was worth possibly dying for.

I mean, in my mind, I thought it was-

I thought it was crazy
that he wanted to go back.

But I realize that Meru for him
was something to hold onto.

For him, it was like, "This is my dream."

To come back and climb Meru...

and prove to himself that he had
the capacity to make a comeback.

And I- I understood it as well...

because, in a way,
I needed the same thing, you know.

The bike.

Renan had put his heart
and mind into recovering.

And the way that he had progressed was...

almost inhuman.

Conrad and I were gonna go back to Meru.

But we still had to make
a decision about Renan.

And Renan was...
pretty adamant about going.

It was this moment when
the three of us got together...

and Jimmy made the case
for Renan to come along.

I was against Renan going on the climb.

I just confronted Jimmy
and I said, "You know..."

"I am not keen about this."

"ou know, you can't take
Renan up there."

"I mean, what if he dies?"

But I couldn't talk Jimmy into
throwing Renan off the trip.

It's like he was totally dug in.

He just said, flat out, "If Renan feels
he's ready, I trust Renan."

I was worried about Renan.

But I was also worried
about the well-being of the entire team...

because... just to go up onto a face
like that with a weak partner...

where, what if they got
into another big, bad storm?

Or what if one of 'em...

got wacked in the head with a rock...

and they had to get him
down off, and they-

You need to have your partners
be sound and strong.

You know, when our friends heard about it,
they were like-

They thought we were
completely out of our minds.

Whew. Dude, I don't know.

No! No! You know, that's not right.

This isn't like Conrad, or Jimmy.

You know, these guys, they don't fuck
around, they don't do stupid stuff.

If they did, they'd be dead by now.

Two or three times,
I had these deep anxiety attacks.

I mean, here it was, at 2:00 in the morning,
and all of a sudden it was just like...

this wave of anxiety came over me,
and I'm- I'm up there, like, going, "Shit."

I've got two kids sleeping upstairs.
My wife's there.

Another boy's off at college.
I'm responsible for them.

And I'm going, "You're going back?"

You know, the rewards
of climbing are huge.

If you- if you survive it,
if your family comes out of it okay...

if everyone comes out,
then climbing- climbing is so worth it.

The problem is, as we know,
you don't always come out of it okay.

People die. And then you can't justify it.
That is the great dilemma.

Conrad knows this better than anyone.

Look at what happened to Mugs,
and Conrad's next partner, Alex.

After the death of Mugs in '92...

Alex Lowe became my main climbing partner.

Alex was the premier climber at that time.

Conrad was Alex's favorite partner...

and best friend.

Conrad was just right for him...

because he could match Alex's pace.

And there wasn't too many people
who could do that.

This is Nirvana, what this is.

So we're gonna hang out,
just enjoy the mountains.

You know, Mugs was the mentor...

but Alex was much more
Conrad's equal.

These are, you know,
two of the most brilliant climbers ever.

I mean, people were blown away by 'em.

And they fed off each other!

They were this perfect match,
the perfect partnership.

I went to Antarctica with
both Alex and Conrad in '97...

in one of the best trips I've ever done,
and they were in rare form.

Just brilliant to behold.

So he had this new partner,
and they were gonna tear up the world.

Alex did a remarkable job
of balancing family.

We were all sort of vagabonds.

And here's Alex. He's, like, legit.
He's married, and he's got kids.

I was married to Alex Lowe for 18 years.

And, um, in the autumn of 1999...

uh, he was on an expedition with Conrad.

It was to Shishapangma, in Tibet.

And, uh, they went up
to take a look at the mountain.

It was supposed to be a rest day.

David Bridges, Alex and I
went up, getting ready to do the climb...

and we got to this point-
it was probably 7:30, 8:00 in the morning.

All of a sudden, there was, like, this crack,
and we looked up and it was, "Oh, shit."

There was a- a release.

Before Alex left,
I had this weird premonition.

I didn't want him to go on the climb.

I said, you know...

"I'm worried that
you're gonna die in an avalanche."

And Alex said, "I always come home."

Alex and David ran straight
downhill. I traversed at an angle.

I was like, "I'm gonna lay down
before the avalanche hits."

And as I looked over, David and Alex were
still upright, and they were still running.

I was picked up and thrown,
battered, tumbled.

And just kind of half-buried.

And then... it was silent.

I remember standing up
and walking around...

and going over to where I had seen them,
and there was nothing there.

There was no ski stick or a glove sticking
out of the snow or anything like that.

Our other teammates came up
to help with the search...

and we searched there
for the better part of the day.

I went back down to camp.
I needed some medical attention.

I got the phone call.
I thought it was Alex at first.

And Andrew's voice came on,
and I instantly panicked.

Andrew's like, "Jenni,
there's been an avalanche."

You know, and then my heart was racing.

Right away, I said, "Is Conrad there?"

Because, you know, I thought that...

somehow Conrad would've protected Alex.

You know, that it couldn't happen to him
if Conrad was there with him.

I remember Jenni saying,
"Is there anything else you can do?

Can you go back and look for him?"
And we're like, "No. It's just- He's gone."

And it was- it was-

There was, um-
There was just this finality of it.

After Alex died,
Conrad went through this transformation.

He was just- He looked gaunt.

He was- He had retreated somewhere deep
inside and wasn't comin' out.

I worried he was over the edge
and wasn't coming back.

It's just- I mean,
the wheels were coming off.

And, um, I didn't know
why I was so fucked up.

Gil Roberts, a friend of mine,
who was in a very similar situation.

He was there when
his climbing partner died.

And more than once, he picked up
the phone, and he's like, "Hey, man."

"I've gotta come talk to you.
We've gotta get together."

And I didn't know why
Gil wanted to get ahold of me.

And it was, like-

I remember his line.
He's like, "Yep. Survivor's guilt is a bear."

And having to do that. And it was, like-

Because for me, it's, like,
this heavy fucking thing...

that wouldn't leave me alone.

'Cause Alex had it going on.

Here he was, he was successful.
He had three kids, a happy married life.

Everything was cool, and I lived in a van.

Conrad was filled with remorse
over Alex's death...

and he came back from the expedition...

feeling like he was the one
who should've died.

Trying to find balance and peace in that...

I just didn't know where to go.

But it always circled back
to being with Jenni...

and the conversations
that we had on the telephone...

and being together with each other.

I think he felt like...

to continue being a great friend,
he needed to be there for us.

It was like a little connection to Alex
that was still there for me.

And then, you know, before we- either of
us knew what was happening...

we were kind of falling in love.

The duress of this tragedy-
Jenni and I, we fell in love.

And then eventually we married,
and I have adopted the boys.

I wasn't like I chose and said, "Okay."

"I'm gonna fall in love with another climber."
It just kind of happened.

I still think I might have been
better off with a cowboy.

Conrad has this side to him
that realizes...

"I got some heavy responsibilities here."

it's the key to Conrad.
There's this constant dialectic.

He needs the mountains to climb, but
it's like, "Am I taking too many chances?"

"Can I control the risk?"
Of course you can't control the risk.

"Well, why am I doing this? Because
I have to do it or I go fucking crazy."

In the end, Jimmy and Conrad
left the decision up to me.

Even though it'd only been
five months since the accident...

I decided I wanted to give it a go.

We had become so close
after the 2008 ordeal...

that to not give him the opportunity-

it wasn't celebrating the teamwork that
we came into the climb with.

That was the decision.

Well, I wasn't really given
a choice... in the matter.

Renan actually decided to go to Meru...

and bought a plane ticket
and didn't even tell me.

It was kind of a slap in the face, but...

the bigger concern was his safety.

He knew the heat that we were taking...

and he knew that
we had to trust him to let him go.

And that's what we did. We trusted him.

Maybe that's way
over the heads of most people...

that kind of risk
and that kind of expression of trust.

But when Conrad was a young buck,
and Mugs was teaching him...

they'd be at a really sketchy pitch-
dangerous, you can't afford to fall.

Mugs would be like, "Okay, Conrad,
we all know that I can lead this."

"Now let's see if you can lead it.
Are you ready?"

So many decades later, it was Conrad...

saying to Jimmy, Renan, "Okay,
you guys had a rough spring."

"But you can do this.
I trust you, and we're gonna do this."

The entire hike in was intense.

There's no doubt that I had
a heavy heart going into it.

It felt just like so much...

pressure.

You know, it felt a little bit like we
were heading to the gallows. You know?

Fifteen feet, Conrad!

The old geek ripped.

- Is that what sent ya?
- Yeah.

I just heard the "ping"
and then the fucking gear rattling.

Cha-ching, cha-ching.

Oh, it was a good-
Of all the places to fall though-

Ah, it's dreamy.

That was a good place to fall.

It must have been, like,
five pounds on you, huh, Renan, like-

Yeah. Well, I got lifted
off the triangle ledge.

Oh! Fuck!

Oh, man.

Survival mode.

It's broke.

We're Himalayan big-wall climbing,
and we broke our portaledge.

- That's more straight.
- Yeah.

- Whew.
- Athletic tape...

two eye screws, and-
and we're back in business.

Whew.

♪ One night of magic rush ♪

♪ The start a simple touch ♪

♪ One night to push and scream ♪

♪ And then relief ♪

♪ Ten days of perfect tunes ♪

♪ The colors red and blue ♪

♪ We had a promise made ♪

♪ We were in love ♪

♪ To call for hands of above ♪

That there is called space hauling.

This route's pretty steep.

That's why all the shit's
hanging off in space.

I just had to film
what we're eating right now.

Conrad wants us to eat
yesterday's leftovers.

Oh, it looks great.

We have one choice
on the menu, and it is couscous.

Tomorrow,
what are we having for dinner?

Couscous.

- And the next day?
- Couscous.

What did we have for dinner
four days ago?

- Couscous.
- Sweet.

This looks really good, I think.

I'm sure that, uh Happy and Leroy, my two
dogs, would just love this.

They'd be like, "Yeah!"

We're not his dogs.

Mmm.

Mmm, couscous.

Whew.

I was watching Renan,
and he seemed confused and slow.

I thought it might have been the altitude.

I'm not sure what's going on.

Something was really wrong.

I literally just turned
my face away and cried.

When we finally
got the portaledge built and got inside...

that's when Renan really fell apart.

He just collapsed.

He tried to say something to me...

and it was just complete gibberish.

You know, you could see the alarm
in his eyes that, like...

however hard he was trying to speak...

it wasn't happening.

It'd been a year and a half earlier that,
uh, my father had suffered a stroke...

and I'd seen what it does.

You know, we're making calculations
in our head, and we're like...

"Well, we can't go down right now.

We'll make a mistake.
We're way too wasted."

it was a moment of, uh,
anxiety. It was moment of unknown.

It was a moment of acceptance that we
might not make it up the route.

Acceptance that- of Renan's health...

that where he was,
there was nothing we could do about it.

The next morning, the sun was shining.

I felt a little bit better...

but I still couldn't really talk.

All that I could think about is,
"I don't want to go down."

"If we go down,
then I'll never forgive myself."

I still just felt strongly that I had to
contribute to the team and not let us down.

It was my turn to lead.

Those guys didn't want me to go,
but I looked up at Jimmy...

nodded, and it was understood
that I was going for it.

They were monitoring me very closely.

From somewhere,
I started to feel this momentum...

and climbing started to feel good.

I couldn't believe I finished my leads.

It was this huge breakthrough for me.

Jimmy and Conrad were still
really worried about me...

and they carried most of my weight.

Meru- it's relentless. Every time.

We still don't know
what happened that day.

We just smoked a cigarette
together and talked about it...

and decided to keep going.

After seven days of climbing,
we were just getting to the hard part.

The wall got super steep and overhanging.

This is pitch 20.
Jimmy's getting after it.

It's the House of Cards,
the start of the Indian Ocean Wall.

I knew he was scared.

We all knew any mistake on this
pitch could be catastrophic.

Wow, that's- it looks longer...

than it did last night.

In the House of Cards pitch,
they called it that because...

it's these immense blocks of granite.

If you pull one of 'em too hard,
this whole thing's gonna come down...

like a house of cards, only each card
weighs, you know, 10,000 pounds...

and those sharp edges
is gonna just floss 'em all off the wall.

See these giant blocks?

They are moving under my weight.

Those are the sounds
you don't like to hear.

It was really intense.
He was up there for six hours...

and it was exhausting for all of us.

They're on a sloping hill, and when you
hit 'em, you watch both of 'em going.

- Yeah, and everything here, I mean-
- That would just chop everything.

And then we'd- we'd be fucked.

Well, it's our summit-bid evening.

And it's dumping.

- More suffering.
- It's been dumping...

- for...
- since 3:30.

Five, six hours now.

How's it lookin' out there, Renan?

Well, despite the, uh...

heavy winds and getting battered...

in the ledge for the last four hours...

there's stars...

so we're goin' for it.

It's probably negative 20 out.

I can't feel my feet.

But at least it's windy.

Just waitin' for the sun.

Oh, man, I can't fucking think straight.

Good job, Conrad!

On the summit push, I think all of us...

and probably Conrad the most,
was dreading the upper pitches.

Because he knew he was
the only one that could do 'em.

And it was a really hard
and dangerous lead.

Conrad carried a lot of pressure that day.

It's really hard to explain
to anyone what he did up there.

We finally get to the summit ridge,
where we turned around in 2008.

And we hadn't really talked about
who was gonna take the last lead.

And that was the final, unknown section.

Conrad looked at me,
and he was like, "All right."

I was like, "Jimmy, this is your lead."

"It's your turn to take the reigns."

Nice, Jimmy.

- Yeah, Renan.
- Fuck, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, Mugs!

Got it for ya!

Ten years of climbing together.

There was-

There was some points
where I didn't think I was gonna make it.

And I know it stressed
those guys out a lot, so-

Definitely happy to be up here...

and, uh, take part
in Conrad's 20-year dream...

and 10 years of Jimmy and Conrad
climbing together...

and... yeah, feel part of the team.

♪ When the cold bites your bones ♪

♪ And gets in your heart ♪

♪ It can make you feel hopeless ♪

♪ And fear will come
to steal your sun and make it dark ♪

♪ But don't believe you're lonely ♪

♪ We've all had that moment
when our shoulders sink ♪

♪ And we sit back and think ♪

♪ We could just run ♪

♪ But we're not born
to chase the fading light ♪

♪ We're not born to fall
and lose the fight ♪

♪ Never letting go
Oh, no, oh ♪

♪ I'm askin' you to lift me,
lift me higher than I ever been ♪

I Hold your breath and say
you're gonna come with me ♪

♪ We were born to follow ♪

♪ The light that never fails ♪

♪ You're scared to fight,
you're scared to climb, afraid to die ♪

♪ But I can be your courage ♪

♪ And help you see
you've already won this ♪

♪ We all have that moment
when our head hangs low ♪

♪ We question if we should go ♪

♪ Or turn back and run ♪

♪ But we're not born
to chase the fading light ♪

♪ We're not born
to fall and lose the fight ♪

♪ Never letting go
Oh, no, oh ♪

♪ I'm askin' you to lift me,
lift me higher than I ever been ♪

I Hold your breath and say
you're gonna come with me ♪

♪ We were born to follow ♪

♪ The light that never fails ♪

♪ Come along
We're settin' sail ♪

♪ Never looking back again ♪

♪ We're not born
to chase the fading light ♪

♪ We're not born
to fall and lose the fight ♪

♪ Never letting go
Oh, no, oh ♪

♪ I'm askin' you to lift me,
lift me higher than I ever been ♪

♪ Hold your breath and say
you're gonna come with me ♪

♪ We were born to follow ♪

♪ The light that never fails ♪

♪ The light that never fails ♪

♪ We were born to follow ♪

♪ The light that never ♪

♪ Light that never ♪

♪ The light that never fails ♪♪