Original subtitles

(US man) Driven by seven and a half million pounds of thrust.

(Second man) Five, four, three, two, one, zero.

- (Electronic pulse) - All engines running.

(Electronic pulse continues)

(UK man) Mr Evans. Two minutes, Mr Evans.

(Laughter)

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr Lee Evans.

(Cheering)

(? Dramatic orchestral music)

(Cheering, whistling)

Thank you very much indeed for coming down. Wow.

(Cheering, whooping)

Thank you.

Well, I am shitting my pants.

Fucking hell. This is huge.

My God, last time I was next to a dome this big, I was fucking breastfeeding.

Right up the top. Thanks for coming down. Really. Thank you so much.

(Cheering)

(Mouths)

You know, I was up there earlier. I went up there with a couple of Gurkha guides

and some fucking oxygen.

I came down, went through fucking decompression.

You wait till you come down from up there. Fucking hell.

But, er, and I nearly never made it. I got out of bed this morning stiff-necked.

I thought, "How the fuck did that happen? Did I sleep walk to a go-go dancing club?"

That's the thing. You could be the biggest headbanger in town. Nothing.

Wake up in a nice, spongy bed, you need a neck brace.

It's like you got whiplash from doing... fuck all, you know?

"Was you in a pile-up?" "Nah. I was in bed."

Shit day today. Mind you, I like it.

You know when it rains, I like it when people...

When it rains, they go, "Yeah, it's raining but it's that really wet rain."

What kind of fucking rain is that? These same people stand in flood water,

hanging on, going, "We're all right cos it's dry rain!"

It's like those people that go abroad

and they go, "Well, it's a different kind of heat over there, you know."

"No, I don't. How about you stick your head in my oven,

"I switch it on, let's see what fucking happens."

And we've been travelling around, been staying in shit hotels.

What is it with these old hotels? They've all got that timer light switch in the hallway.

The one you push in. How does it know how fast you are up the stairs?

You're halfway up the stairs, clink, you're standing in complete blackness.

Help me! (Echoes)

They've all got a half table up against the wall.

What's that for? To write half a fucking post card?

Where's the other half, on the other side of the wall?

Some bloke went at that wall really fast. "I got that table you wanted."

Boom!

Maybe it's a warning of what's to come. In your room, there's half a bed to sleep in,

half a tea cup to drink your tea out of.

Some bloke gone mental with a chainsaw. "I fucking hate furniture!"

(Whirs)

These old hotels. Everything creaks, every floorboard... argh, argh, argh.

Every door... argh.

You lay awake, listening to the bloke above you. You know exactly where he is

and what he's doing. About three o'clock, you turn into his wife.

"That's the fourth time tonight. Go back to fucking bed!"

(Laughs)

So it's really good to be back in London. I fucking love it here.

Mind you, there's some pigeons in fucking London, I tell you.

I don't get birds anyway. Birds descended from dinosaurs, that's right.

Aah, urh, arh, ooh, ee, aah, uh.

Tweet tweet.

I don't like pigeons. All they do is crap a lot. 24 hours a day. Dump, dump, dump.

You know, if that was us, that would be considered a major problem.

You'd been running in your doctors like that... (High pitched) "You gotta stop it.

"It's like a river."

And they do it while they're flying. How the fuck d'you do that?

That's like us jumping off the sideboard and banging one out.

Next time you're in the bog, try doing this.

You can't concentrate.

I've tried.

Pigeons. All they do is they make me panic, pigeons.

When you walk towards a pigeon, without warning, they just fly up into your face.

You end up doing what the fucking pigeon's doing, you know?

Certain things make me panic. For instance, you can put your coat on by yourself

but as soon as someone tries to help you, you can't find the sleeve.

Stay still!

Why? Why? Why?

If someone helped you on with a hat, you wouldn't keep fucking missing it.

Someone opens the door for you. "Thank you very much."

Fucking...

It's like... (Laughs)

Certain things. Like zips, they make me panic.

Have you ever worn a jacket with a zip and your mobile goes off inside

and your zip decides to get stuck? You start panicking.

You're like that..."Fucking hell. Me mobile. Me mobile."

If you get it to the top, maybe it'll come down. No, you're stuck higher.

"Phone an amblance."

I hate that. You're going out the door, in a hurry, you do your zip up,

all the teeth come apart. Fucking hate that.

You think,"If I can get it to the top, it'll come down." No. You're apart all the way up.

You're walking down the street, looking like a fucking shuttlecock.

And zips sound different depending on what job they gotta do.

Like the one on your case when you've packed to go on holiday.

Always sounds excited when you do it up. It's like... (High pitched) Yeah-eah-eah!

It don't sound like that at customs when they undo it.

(Low pitched) No. Uhhh-uh-uh.

Like the one on your wife's dress when she asks you to do it up.

Always sound like a fucking tight fit, like... (Grinding)

(Laughing)

But it is. I come out the house today

to get into the car to come up here, fucking cat under me car.

There's always a cat under your car just sat there like that..."Morning."

He's got, like, a part time job at Kwik Fit, you know?

If you catch 'em unawares, they don't like it, like you caught them doing something.

You look under your car, they go like that...

They get... You make a cat angry, they start doing all that Dracula kung fu shit.

It's when an animal just stops dead. Ever stare at a squirrel and they suddenly go?

Fuck, he's gonna go for me throat.

Try it, it works. Someone picks on you on a Friday or a Saturday,

"You looking at my bird?" Go like that...

"Fuck, I'll leave him alone, I think."

Dogs, I like. I don't get Crufts, though, you know the dog show?

Some of the stuff they make those dogs do is humiliating. Dogs aren't like that.

That's embarrassing. If you had a dog and you were going up the paper shop

and went, "Come on, boy."

"Stop it!"

And they always have nice dogs in Crufts, have you noticed?

You never see a pit bull with a big ribbon in his hair going, "You say one fucking word."

(Laughing)

And I gets in the car. What is it with seat belts? They're so temperamental.

You pull a seat belt suddenly and it's like you've startled it, it won't come out.

You're pulling. It goes, "No!

"Fuck it!"

You have to ease it out. "Come on, come on, come on, come on."

"I got a bad feeling about this trip, I really have. I don't..."

Air bags, they're always keen to get in on the action.

You only have to ping your car and it's, like..."Pfoo! Is it me?"

Fuck off.

They always go down disappointed. "Aw, I thought I was gonna see some action."

Cos I love travelling. I love it. I liked it when I was a kid.

Remember travelling with your parents

and your mum would buy those travel sweets in the tin?

Soon as she opened that tin, that powder was all over the car.

All round your mouth. You looked like a family of fucking crackheads.

You're out of your box on sugar. (Growls) "Give me another one."

Your dad's speeding up. "Fuck, I'm a drugs mule."

I do. I love it.

(Laughing)

I was coming into London today.

People don't mind picking their nose in their car, do they?

I was at these traffic lights, I looked over, this bloke,

I mean, he's really getting... you know?

All blokes have discovered, it's a medical breakthrough,

that this fits every orifice in his body.

One day, he went, "Blimey, it fits here, here. Ah! And here."

I'm watching this bloke and I'm as interested as he is in what's gonna come out.

"Go on, sunshine!"

It's like watching the fucking Discovery Channel, you know?

I don't want the lights to change. I wanna see what happens. "Go on!"

When you don't realise, the lights change, that fucker behind you goes...

(Honks) "Come on!"

And you always pull away extra fast... (Revving engine)

He never pulls away fast, does he?

It's always some old fella in an Austin Allegro, like that... (Honks) "Come on!"

Sorry, mate, was I holding you up from breaking the land fucking speed record?

Hate that. Ever sit at traffic lights, you suddenly look in your rear-view mirror,

suddenly there's an ambulance going, "Woo! Woo! Woo!"

Suddenly you forget how to drive, like, "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah."

The gear stick's, the brake, the windscreen wipers are going,

the windows are going up and down. (Honking)

You get out, shout to the ambulance driver, "You do it.

"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."

I travel a lot at night. Why do traffic lights during the night wanna hold you up?

There's fuck all on the roads but traffic lights are like, "Stop."

There's fuck all here.

"Stop."

You know you're sat at a junction, you should be looking at roaring traffic. Nothing.

You ever see a red light for so long, you start going like that, "It's broken."

"That light's broken."

You know those people in cars behind you going like that, "Go on. It's broken."

You know as soon as you pull out... (Speeding engine)

Have you ever seen a traffic light have a mental breakdown?

They stand there, flashing all their colours. "Green, amber, stop, go, I don't know..."

They put a hood over 'em. It's like a fucking straight jacket for mental traffic lights.

You can hear 'em underneath going like that, "I'm Britney Spears, I am. Woo!"

(Laughing)

Who are these people who use a pedestrian crossing in the middle of the night?

There's fuck all on the roads but they press that button and hold you up.

They could lay in the road and nothing would hit 'em.

They could dance all the way home on the road. Nothing.

But they wanna press that button. (High pitched) "Stop!

"I'm going across the road."

You know, they've always got that smug fucking look on their face, you know?

You're sat in your car, turning into a ventriloquist. "Come on, you twat."

Who are these people who use a zebra crossing but don't thank you?

I hate them fuckers. When you've stopped for somebody at a zebra crossing

these buggers just walk across as if you're not even there. They go, "Yeah, so?"

Fucking don't mind me. I pay the road tax, you fucking use it!

If somebody does thank you now, you think they're nuts.

If somebody walked across a zebra crossing going like that, "Thank you very much."

"Thank you ever so much for stopping."

He's fucking nuts.

Ever been standing at a bus stop and the bus pulls up

and the driver decides to let his air brakes off?

- (Loud hiss) - Fucking hell.

Why do they do that? They'd hate it if we did it to them,

got on the bus and went... (Shouts) Single to the town centre, please.

People just wanna hold you up.

Tractor drivers. Fuck. You ever been sat behind one of them doing 2O miles an hour?

You're just staring at the back of his head, going like that.

They're weird, farmers, you know?

You know when they give you that weird look as you go by. You know?

Cos all farmers say the same thing. "What's your 'urry?

"Slow down.

"This is the country, fucking city boy."

Then they go to one of those cattle markets and go nuts.

(Jabbering)

What's the sudden hurry?

I know, he wants to get back on the road so he can fucking hold me up again!

- (Cheering) - Oh, wow.

Thanks. I thought somebody had walked on.

(Laughing) I shit meself.

Oh, dear. I love that. When you've got your wife in the car with you

and someone cuts you up. Next traffic lights, you get out of the car,

you say to your wife, "I'm gonna have a fucking word with him."

You get up to the car, huge gorilla. (Growls) "What d'you fucking want?

"Shit." You can't lose face cos your wife's watching.

You go, "I just wanna congratulate you on your superb driving skills back there.

"The way you went round that roundabout not once but twice.

"And the way you threw that fag out that window was fucking genius."

You get back in your car with your wife and go like that. "He's shit himself."

Not just me on that one, then. Good-oh.

Ever experienced the lorry driver's mate? Not the lorry driver

but his mate who gets out the cab, stands in the road

and does that aircraft carrier landing shit with his hands.

"Stop! Lorry coming out."

Fuck off! He'd hate it if we did it to him.

"Fuck off, me and the missus coming through."

And they have that posh voice when they're reversing.

"Warning. Vehicle reversing.

"Warning. Vehicle... reversing."

Have you seen the driver?

Fuck, it's not the vehicle I'm worried about, it's him.

Perhaps the warning is for him, he's in his cab going, "Am I?

"I thought I was going really slow, people just overtaking."

Who is that bloke in the middle of the road doing all that stuff?

He's a law unto himself, he's a traffic cop, he can control the traffic.

It's like that citizen's arrest.

Suddenly we can become a copper and arrest somebody.

So if a copper arrests you, what, we can just arrest him back?

"You're nicked!" "No! You're nicked!"

"You can't do that." "Hey, don't make it worse for yourself, sonny."

They have that on the back of lorries, "How's my driving? Call this number." How?

I can't write it down, I'd crash.

And if he crashed into you, would you call him from the wreckage of your car?

"Hello? Yeah, you're shit!"

You'd call an ambulance.

They always say, when there's an accident, "Stay calm. Stay calm."

That's why I admire the emergency services, cos they're so calm.

We run to a call box and you go like that... (Shouts) "I need a fire engine now!"

And they go... (Calmly) "OK, where are you?"

"I don't fucking know, do I?"

But they have to be calm, it'd be no good if they were the same as us.

If you went, "I need a fire engine now!"

And they want, "Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

"Fuck! Me tea's gone everywhere.

"Me pen's stuck up me arse!"

(Giggles)

I do, I admire the emergency services. Nurses I admire most.

How they can cope in the NHS is beyond me.

Cos the NHS is fucked.

It is! You know, everyone complains about the superbugs and the germs in the NHS,

but that's the only thing that are doing well in hospitals at the moment.

They're the healthiest fuckers in there.

It's like germs down the gym going, "I'm a germ, I feel good!"

It's not safe to be in hospitals any more.

Have you visited anybody recently? Each bed's got a phone.

Do you know what that's for? That's to call a fucking ambulance.

You know the most important people in hospitals? The cleaners.

Fuck the surgeons, Mrs Mop's in charge now.

Soon we'll have a whole episode of Casualty dedicated to cleaners.

"I need 1Occs of Cif and set me up an IV of Domestos, quick!

"We're low on Flash! We're gonna lose the stain!"

Soon, you'll have junior cleaners following senior cleaners to learn how it's done.

"We've got a dirty floor. What do we need for a dirty floor?"

"Well, we need a bucket."

"Yes, but we need a good doobie-doo."

"Doobie-doo?" "Yes."

"Doobie-doo!"

Don't know if you've been to outpatients. It's humiliating.

All they do is get you to take your clothes off.

You could walk in with earache. "OK, take your clothes off, let's have a look at you."

It's a hospital, they must know what they're doing.

You don't do that anywhere else. You don't go up the dentist, "I got toothache."

"OK, pull your pants down, let's have a look at your arse."

And when you take your clothes, they give you that hospital big blue gown.

Fuck, it's like a giant J Cloth.

That's what we're wearing - they're getting us to clean the wards for them now.

You do whatever that doctor says. He's like, "Could you lie on the floor? Lovely.

"Could you give me your ankles? Could you make this noise - 'mmm'?

"That's good." "Mmmm."

Every time you're up the hospital, they wanna know who the immediate family is.

"Are you the immediate family?" "No, I'm not that fast."

Who the fuck are they?

You invite them round your house for dinner,

they go, "We're already here, goodbye, we've got to go, we're the immediate family."

Who makes this stuff up?

Cos your distant relatives, you invite them round for dinner,

they stand at the end of your drive going, "Hello! We're the distant relatives!

"We won't be coming in!"

Who makes this up? Cos there's your cousin once removed.

Why? What the fuck did he do?

Cos there's your other cousin twice removed. "I told you once - fuck off!"

I couldn't call anybody on my phone. If I had to call for an ambulance, not me.

My mobile's knackered. It's really old, you gotta chuck coal in it.

Well, I won't renew it. I can't stand mobiles.

People always shout as soon as they get a call.

(Shouts) "Hello?! Really?!

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

And they always walk away, "Got a call, got a call, private, private, private.

(Shouts) "Hello?!"

Guess what? We can still fucking hear you.

And everyone's got cameras on their phones now

and they feel they've got to take a picture of fucking everything.

You get these people, "Look, I can take a picture on my phone."

"Yeah, then what?" "Well, I got it on my phone."

"Yeah, fucking then what?"

"Well, I can keep it."

"Yeah, then what?" "Well, I gotta delete it, takes up memory."

Madness.

(Cheering)

Even traffic wardens are taking pictures when they give us a ticket.

What happens when he gets his albums?

He goes, "Oh, look, there's one of me being a bastard.

"Those were the days."

You know what I hate about mobiles? Predictive text.

It's like someone butting in your conversation all the time.

You're trying to send a message, you can't do it.

I'm just going to where, up the road? No. I'm just going to where, up the pub? No!

I'm just going to where, up the shops? No! Fuck off!

It's like twins - twins always wanna finish each other's sentences?

One day one of them's gonna go, "Will you please let me finish a fucking..."

"Sentence?"

Mobiles are getting smaller. The trouble is, your wife's handbag's getting bigger.

Have you seen your wife when her mobile goes off in her bag?

She disappears for a week and a half.

You can hear her in her bag, going, (Muffled) "Where's my fucking mobile?"

The size of women's handbags now.

It's not an 'andbag any more, it's a body bag.

Me and my missus, we was going out, we were in the hallway,

I said, "It's all right, I'll take the rubbish out tomorrow."

She went, "Fuck off, that's me bag!"

Is it? It's huge!

Still had the fucking horns on it and everything.

And, men, never go in women's handbags. No.

Man has explored deep space, even landed on the moon,

but if your wife goes, "It's in me bag," you go, "Well, you fucking get it out.

"I am not going in there.

"I've seen things go in there and they ain't come out."

Your wife ever asked you to hold her handbag while she's trying on shoes?

Just standing in the middle of the shop going like that.

You just look like a badly dressed transvestite holding a bag.

Touch-screen technology now, that's what it is with phones.

That's how the bloke sells it to you, as if it's something new.

"Yeah, it's got touch-screen technology."

We've had touch-screen technology for years!

Go down the overnight garage at three in the morning

and see all those pissheads doing touchscreen on that glass.

Bang-bang-bang-bang! "Oi! Ginsters!"

Bang-bang! "Fucking Ginsters!"

(Burps)

(Screeching)

Geniuses, these blokes are. They're pioneers.

They'll come up with smash-screen technology next.

Fssssh! "A Ginsters."

Pioneers.

You know when your wife's on the phone

and she makes all those faces to you, but to what she's hearing?

She'll go like that, "Noooo!

"Really?"

They suck you in. You go, "What? What? What?"

And then she'll go, "Fuck off, I'm on the phone!"

(Cheering, whistling)

(Chuckles)

Oh, yeah, cos your wife is an incredible psychic when she's on the phone.

Your wife ever done that? Come off the phone to one of her mates,

"It was amazing!

"I was just thinking about her and she called!"

Ooooooh!

When you aren't thinking about her and she don't call, is that really fucking weird too?

You say to your wife, "Who are you thinking about now?" "No one."

"Oh! And no one's calling!"

Your wife's like, "I must be psychic, I was thinking you were a tosser,

"and it turns out you fucking are."

And everyone's on Facebook now. Anyone on Facebook?

(Cheering)

Everyone's on... So many kids now are talking to each other via their computer,

they're forgetting how to have a fucking conversation.

In a few years' time, you'll have two kids walk up to each other

and they'll go like that...

They're gonna know what the fuck that meant!

I don't get Facebook. Would you walk up to somebody in the street

and go, "Would you like to see my pants?"

Cos that's what Facebook is. No one says a word to you all day,

they go on Facebook, they don't care, they go fucking nuts.

"Hello, me name's Keith.

"I like polythene bags. Ha ha!

"Sucking windows. Ha ha ha!

"Geese. Ha ha ha ha!

"Sometimes I like to pick me nose and wipe it under the chair.

"And as you can see by my photograph, my knob is five foot six. Ha ha!"

"You..." (Giggles)

"You didn't want to put your face on there?"

"No, I'm worried about identity theft. Ha ha!"

Everyone's worried about ID theft now.

It seems we've gotta prove who we are 24 hours a day.

That thing when you go through the airport, passport control?

It's fucking madness. As soon as you hand that bloke your passport,

you try and look like your own photograph.

"No, go back a few faces, you were in just now."

Boof! "Go on. Fuck off."

It's no wonder. They've made us paranoid.

For instance, I like watching the news,

but you can't watch it any more without shitting your pants.

Now, it's like they've got "Breaking news".

You're eating your tea and there's the sound of a jet plane, fwoosh!

"Breaking news!" "Fucking hell! Eh, when?"

Why do they want to shit us up like that?

You might as well have the newsreader run across the set

chucking his paper in the air, going, "Arghhhhh!"

Has the same effect. Then they don't tell you what it is.

"Breaking news. Join us after the adverts."

"Wait a minute. If this news is so breaking, why are you going to adverts?"

That's like a copper knocking on your door at three in the morning...

"I've got some grave news, I'm afraid.

"But first, this. 'My hair is so bouncy! '

"'Cos you're worth it.'

"There is a murderer on the loose.

? "'Ooh, Danone"'?

What the fuck is that stuff?

I think it's the noise you make after you've eaten it. (Parp)

"Ooh, Danone."

"Have a whiff on that. That's the bad bacteria coming out, that is."

(Laughs)

They have 24-hour-a-day news now.

It's not 24-hour-a-day news, it's 15 seconds of news

repeated over and fucking over again.

Watching the news now is like going round your nan's house for tea.

It's the same experience. "Shall I put the kettle on?

"I know, I'll put the kettle on.

"Ooh, I know, I'll put the kettle on."

"Put the fucking kettle on!"

In our house, in one room, we've got a TV that works off of an aerial,

and in another room, we've got one that works off of a satellite.

If you walk from one room to the other, you get a repeat of a repeat of the news.

"There's a murderer on the loose. There's a murderer on the loose."

Fuck, you've got your nan round, "There's a murderer on the loose."

(Giggles) I was watching TV last night.

Have you noticed, round about one o'clock, two in the morning,

TV suddenly changes?

Your TV suddenly gets all depraved. You'll be sat there watching it,

and suddenly half-naked women start coming on, laying on couches,

going, "Call me now for a chat."

Chat? Who's calling her for a chat?

Some bloke with his trousers round his ankles.

"Yeah, I'll call you for a chat. Hur, hur."

Not calling her for a chat!

They know blokes can't concentrate on more than one thing at a time.

"Could you shut up, love? I'm trying to concentrate, for crying out loud."

What if you actually did ring 'em up for a chat? "Hello.

"Yeah. I think the economies of the Far East

"have capitalised on our reliance on outsourcing.

"How'd you feel about that, er... Anal Annie?"

"My arse is your command."

Chat. Why don't they just say it? "Call now... for a wank!"

(Bang)

You see blokes jump. "Oh, don't slap me about like that, mate.

"That's not good for it, see? Don't want a cauliflower knob, you know?"

I love that on those adverts, they go,

"Call now if you're single or even if you're not."

Well, who's that, then? That's fucking everyone, innit?

Have you noticed, on those adverts, they're always whispering?

(Whispers) "Call O8OO 555..."

They know your missus is upstairs, she might fucking hear it!

"Keep it down, love. That's lovely, that's great, yeah."

You're being mugged! They're preying on blokes' needs, taking money from you.

There's muggers all over the country going, "We need to change our ways.

"These fuckers are earning a fortune!"

Soon, you'll have muggers run up to you in the street and go, "Oi, you!

(Huskily) "Give me your wallet.

"Now."

"Yeah, all right, love. Give us a show." Whoosh! Pop!

Love that. On those adverts, they go,

"Call, and we'll put you in touch with people in your area."

People on your area? That's the reason he's calling! He can't pull any birds in his area.

You don't want to be at the off-licence

and the woman behind the counter goes, "Your voice sounds familiar to me."

"Does it? Right. See you later. Fuck that!"

And how local is it? It might be your wife in the next room.

"Hello? Hello? Is that you?" "No!" Fwoosh!

They have these late-night quiz shows on the TV.

See, I don't like quiz shows anyway. I was watching Deal Or No Deal.

You ever seen that? It's just opening boxes.

Our postman's been doing that for years round our way.

I wouldn't mind, on that show, if one of those boxes was rigged with high explosives.

They have to try and guess not which one it is.

"All right, number 15, Noel." "(Gasps) You bastard!"

Boom!

Tune in to watch that.

But these late-night quizzes, about two in the morning,

they try and make them all glamorous, these women in low-cut tops going...

"Welcome to the casino."

Casino! Do you know who's watching that?

Some bloke, just in from the pub, holding a kebab, pissed out of his head,

going, "Come on! I got the kids' dinner money riding on this!"

Never see him go by in Casino Royale, did you? Sat with James Bond.

James Bond's like that, "I'll raise you." "Oh, fuckin' will ya?

"Well, I'll raise you me ke... (Burps) bab."

And some of the presenters of these late-night quizzes.

They look like fucking serial killers.

They stare out of the screen at you.

"What do you think it is?"

"What do you think it is? Hmm?"

"I don't know!"

You fall asleep on your couch, you wake up,

there's some bloke on your TV going, "What do you think it is?

"Hmm?"

"Help me!"

Have you noticed that houses are more scary now?

Years ago, your house never made any noise.

Now you're up all night trying to determine what the noise was.

What is it with manufacturers they wanna scare the crap out of us?

Three in the morning, you'll be asleep,

and suddenly your fridge'll go, "Brbrbrbrbrbr!"

"Who's there?"

Just in the middle of the night, some water will randomly come out your shower head.

"Fuck!

"We were nowhere near that."

A burglar gets in, you're pleased to see the fucker.

"Thank God you're here!

"We've been shitting ourselves all night!"

And since when did people start protecting themselves with sports equipment?

You always hear people, "I got a baseball bat under my bed.

"Somebody breaks in - bosh."

But there's only certain sports equipment that will do.

If someone got into your house, you couldn't whip out that ribbon they use in gymnastics.

"Hey, I'm not scared to use this, you know!"

Someone gets in your house, you suddenly get some hurdles. "Get out of it!"

You know, someone's in your garden, you get out those gym rings.

"Get out of my garden!"

Your wife's on your doorstep. "Use the dismount! Use the dismount on him!"

- You know? - (Cheering)

(Giggles)

People are using sports equipment to protect themselves,

but have you noticed in sport they're using what criminals use?

A gun to start the race.

Mind you, you couldn't use a knife, could you?

"On your marks, get set..."

"Well, go on, then!"

Mind you, that'd get you running, wouldn't it? "Fuck, he's got a knife!"

Even the police have changed the way they protect themselves.

They've got that new Taser gun. That's a good idea.

An electric shock gun. What genius came up with that?

An electric shock gun that when threatened by a complete lunatic

is to fire the gun at them, they're still attached to you.

So now you're standing there attached to a lunatic who you've fucked off

cos you're giving him 3,OOO volts.

He's right in front of you going like that...

"When this stops...

"I'm gonna kill you."

I can't see that Taser gun taking the place of real guns. Can you?

In particular in films. It's not so romantic.

You can't knock on someone's door and go, "I'm afraid Johnny's dead."

"(Gasps) Did he have any last words?"

"Yep."

You look a twat.

Can't have Tom Cruise being shot by one of them.

(Hums theme from Mission: Lmpossible)

Boom!

Everyone's worried about crime.

It seems every day now you switch on the TV, there's been a murder on the news

and the police are digging up a garden looking for bodies.

I preferred the old Ground Force, it was a much better programme.

It's the same!

That's what murderers are doing, burying bodies before the wife gets home.

Shows her through the house, you know, shows her the garden.

"Surprise!"

"Oh! I wish my brother-in-law was here to see this."

"No, no, love, you won't be seeing him for quite some time, I would've thought."

Have you noticed, every time there's a murder, the police put a tent up?

Soon as there's a murder - tent.

What if there's a murder in a tent?

What do they do then? Put up another fucking tent?

Suddenly you've got a little campsite going.

There's a mass killing, it turns into fucking Glastonbury.

(Mimicking dance beat)

"You been over the murder tent?"

(Giggles)

Everyone... You see, I've never got me head around why police have sirens on their cars.

That's like a burglar alarm but for burglars.

"Whoo-whoo! We're coming!"

"All right, well, I'd better be leaving, then, ain't I?"

You know, the police arrive...

"Where the fuck is he?"

"They always get away!"

"That's probably cos you told him you were fucking coming!"

The police can't catch criminals any more

so they go on Crimewatch and ask us to do it.

They're so busy on the TV, they haven't got time to catch criminals.

"Have you seen this man? He is highly dangerous.

"Good job we're in the studio, then, innit?"

Never mind Crimewatch, there's so little police on our streets,

I reckon we need a programme to look for coppers.

"Have you seen this man?

"He wears a big helmet, answers to the name of Sarge."

It's not the police's fault, they're caught up in bureaucracy gone mad.

They're back at the station filling out paperwork

instead of being on the street catching criminals, and you can't do both,

you can't run down the street after a criminal going, "Stop!"

"I shouted at him."

Boom! "I helped him gently to the floor."

Boom! "'Rest your head on that,' I said."

The police are so caught up in bureaucracy, they've got their horses doing it.

You've seen the riot horses with the glasses.

That's not for the riot. They're reading glasses.

They're back at the station after, catching up.

"Oh, busy, busy, busy."

(Snorts)

I love horses, I really do.

I always think there's like a couple of horses somewhere in a stables,

standing together going like that...

"Here, Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete. Watch what I can do with me feet."

Clop-clop-clop-clop-clop!

"That is amazing!"

"I know, I know. Watch, watch."

Clop!

(Applause and cheering)

And it's not fair with police horses, it's one law for them and another one for us.

All dog owners know, if your dog craps in the street, you've got to pick it up,

otherwise you get a fine.

But police horses just dump in the middle of the street and just leave it!

Not even a backward glance. "Cor blimey, I felt that."

"That burnt. That burnt."

How often do you see a copper get off a horse with a big bin liner

going like that, "Oh, fuckin' hell.

"Fuckin' hate that when that happens."

They're making us paranoid.

Blokes, you know this, when you come out the station late at night,

you've caught yourself walking behind a woman, you get suspicious of yourself.

You're walking behind her, going, "She's gonna think I'm an attacker!"

You know, to look less suspicious, you cross the street. "I'm not an attacker!

"I'm not an attacker! I'm crossing the street!"

And you say, "How does an attacker walk? I don't wanna walk like an attacker."

"I'm not an attacker!"

Then you say to yourself, "Fuck, I'm on my own, I might get attacked."

(Screams)

She's running, screaming, you're chasing her trying to explain. "No, no!"

It worked out, I got two months. It was all right.

Everyone is going on about teenage crime,

they're saying it's because of what they're listening to

and what they're watching on TV.

It might be what they're listening to. I don't know if you've ever tried to unwrap a CD.

Who came up with the plastic wrapping? You can't get in 'em!

You can't. You'll be standing next to your hi-fi trying to unwrap a chillout CD,

going, "I can't fucking get in it!"

You need a knife to open 'em. That's what teenagers are doing.

They listen to the music, "This is making me wanna stab someone...

"and I got a knife."

It's the packaging companies I blame. Painkillers, they're the worst.

They put them in that foil stuff. Every time you want one they pop out onto the floor.

You're bending down, trying to pick it up, going, "I'm taking this for fucking back pain!"

Remember when you was a kid, your mum and dad would follow the warnings,

"Keep out of reach of children."

Painkillers, razorblades, they'd put in that top cupboard.

"Keep away from that top cupboard. Keep away from that top cupboard."

Then all the stuff that would instantly kill you, like drain cleaner and bleach,

just under the sink.

You know?

(Cheering)

Your kid's got a bar stool, optics. "I like me Harpic straight."

(Gulp)

Why don't they give teenagers more credit? Kids don't copy what they see on the TV.

Loads of kids watch Strictly Come Dancing

but you don't see 'em on street corners threatening people with the fucking foxtrot.

That would freak you out if a bunch of hoodies walked up and went,

"Oi, giz yer mobile, otherwise we'll cha-cha you."

You know? Like a woman runs up to a copper.

"You've got to help me! I've just been jived!"

"What happened?" "Well, he sort of took me, swung me around like that.

"It was awful!"

"Quick, there's the police! Quickstep!"

And we're the criminals now, we're the criminals.

How many times have you walked out of a shop and the alarm goes off at the exit.

And you do all that over-Oscar acting. You go, "Oh!

"Is it me?

"Is there something in my bag?"

And us, we, we go back in the shop and explain.

If you're a real shoplifter you fuck off.

When have you ever seen a shoplifter go back in and go,

"Yeah, it's all right, it's cos I stole all them DVDs.

"All right, see ya later, mate. See ya. Bye."

You ever had one of those alarms go off when you go in a shop?

What the fuck are they worried about? What, we're gonna add stuff?

And some places don't even wanna let you in.

Have you been to the local mini mart? They've got those electric sliding doors.

Fuck, they're so slow. You can't get in 'em.

You're walking towards those doors, they're going, "OK, we're opening."

That's if you're going in. If you're walking past, it's a different story.

"You comin' in?" "No, fuck off, I'm going down there."

They're like big shopping flashers.

Whoosh! "Do you wanna see me bananas? Ooh-ooh!"

I always think, you know that fruit section in the supermarket,

very highly charged in there.

Have you seen the fruit pervs feeling up the fruit?

That's why I never buy loose fruit. You see these people just going like that.

"Oh.

"Mmm.

"Oh, yeah.

"Ooh.

"No."

I hate them fuckers, cos they put it back.

They go to walk away with something, they go, "Nah."

Then we buy it, take it home, and then get a mouthful of knob-smeared banana.

(Audience groaning)

What? You know? "Do I want this apple? Do I want this apple?

"Nah."

Get a big melon, sat on it.

"Do I want a melon?

"No. It's been up my arse."

Or these people, they decide they don't want something when they're in another section

so they just sort of slyly slip it down.

So you'd be walking around, you'll come across fish paste in the bread section

going, "No, no! I'm fish paste!

"This is the bread section!

"That bastard put me here!"

And Tesco's, they're everywhere now, they're like a fucking disease.

Tesco's Express, that's the good one,

they spent years researching fast, quick and easy meals, for us to dash in

only to be served by snail boy!

(Cheering)

Thanks!

I like it when blokes go to the supermarket, they always get a basket,

they say the same thing, "Nah, not getting much."

And then they just fill it with shit.

They're mollified by food. "Yeah, I'll have that, that..."

The heavier the basket gets, the further up the arm it gets.

"It's quite fuckin' heavy, that is."

Then it goes to the crook of the arm. "Fuckin' hell."

Then they have a go at getting it on their frickin' shoulder, you know.

You always see lines of blokes at the checkout with the basket on the floor,

and they're kicking it all the way up the queue.

It's like grocery dribbling, the highlights from today's shopping.

(Hums Match Of The Day theme)

I love that queue. There's always the impatient person on the end of a long line.

Have you seen them? Just twitching their leg like that. "Come on!

"Come on!"

What happens when they get really impatient? Do they do an Elvis tribute?

"Come on, man, I wanna do my shoppin'."

? Runnin' outta time?

And you only do that when you're standing still.

You only twitch your leg when you're standing.

You never do that when you're walking. Why? You get impatient when you walk.

Walking towards the station, "I hope my fuckin' train's on time.

"Fuckin' late yesterday."

And it's always your bottom half, never your top half.

Never see a woman standing on a doorstep

waiting for a plumber going, "Where's that fucking plumber?"

And there's always that woman in the queue, about this big, grey hair,

and you just so much as nudge her leg with your trolley

and it's like she's been on a course of Shakespearean pain acting.

You just nudged the back of her leg and she'd go, "Oooh!"

"Fuck off! I hardly touched you!"

Fuck, I'd hate to see her in real pain, she cuts her finger - body bag.

And what is it with women in pushchairs in the supermarket?

Fuck, why is it that women...

they wanna hang two weeks' worth of shopping on the back of a pushchair?

You'd be in the supermarket, having a chat with somebody,

and from behind you you'll hear, boom!

You turn round, there's a kid in a pushchair...

"What 'appened?

"I've just learnt how to walk, and now all this."

There's always a pause before he goes like that...

"Aaaaaah!"

Why is it that women don't know the fucking tipping weight of a pushchair?

Cos the other one, the kids steps out and it goes over,

she blames the kid.

It's like, boom!

"Justin!

"You twat!

"You're my counterweight!"

The kid don't know, he's like...

He looks like that woman on the information desk at easyJet.

Haven't learnt how to respond to language yet.

You ask when the next flight is, this is what they hear - "Hmm, hmm, hmm!"

Kids, women and pushchairs, it's not working.

There's the other one where the kid fucks off and nicks the pushchair.

When his mum's not looking. It turns into Police, Camera, Action!

They always go off into the nearest wall or person.

See the kid just wander off with the pushchair like that?

Boom!

See... (Laughs) See, I feel sorry for women and pushchairs.

People don't realise how difficult it is getting that around the town centre on a Saturday.

You go up the town centre with a pushchair, people look at you as if you're pushing

a chariot with blades coming out the wheels.

People look at you, "Oh, fancy bringing a fucking pushchair.

"In the high street!

"It's madness!"

I feel sorry for women that have twins. That's a whole aisle's worth in Tesco's.

You go up Tesco's on a Saturday, you can't get round there cos of all the pushchairs.

Your whole shopping experience becomes a game of Pacman.

You're going up each aisle going like that... (Mimics Pacman sound effects)

And they have... And they have 24-hour-a-day shopping now.

Have you been in the supermarket late at night? It's eerie.

There's not many people about, just a few nutters roaming the aisles.

You turn around because you saw someone dart across the aisle.

Hello?

Hello?

Cos people say to you, "Oh, it's much better in the supermarket at night,

"there's plenty of room." There's a fucking reason for that.

Because the people in there you would naturally give a wide berth to

even in the day.

Who shops at two in the morning?

People who don't want to be seen in the day. Maniacs, that's who.

People that walk up to you and go, "Excuse me.

"Do you sell rope?

"Do you sell bags the size of your head?"

You just know there's someone in the boot of his car going... (Muffled moans)

Everyone on the night shift looks nuts.

Have you seen the shelf stacker, dragging that cage up each aisle?

You know, just stacking the shelves?

What's his name? Quas.

You see him dragging that big cage full of food,

going up the aisle going, "Stacking the shelves!"

"Stacking the shelves!

"Every day I'm stacking the shelves!"

He should be in the fucking cage.

Why do you have to cage up food?

Maximum security cheese and onion crisps.

Watch out for them Pampers! (Snarling)

Everybody looks dead on the night shift. Seen the woman on the till?

She looks dead. The misery, fuck, it's like she works for the Samaritans.

Putting your food through going like... Bleep!

Bleep!

Bleep! That's not the machine making that noise, that's her.

Bleep!

Ow-ooh!

You know, I love them women on the tills.

They're always commenting when they put your food through.

"Oh, cottage pie. It's quite creamy, that one.

"Oh, lemon meringue, that's quite lemony."

Yeah, it's lemon meringue, it wouldn't be fucking banana-ny, would it?

And all supermarkets on the "we are saving the planet" bandwagon,

so you'll be standing there with a mile and a half of food

and the cashier, Christelle, will go, "Would you like a bag with that?"

Oh, let me see.

Enough food for four people for two weeks, 136 items, 3OO pound in weight?

No, I'll juggle this lot to me fucking car.

Do I want a bag?

Trying to be eco-friendly. You go down the cheese counter or the meat counter,

and there's a big picture of a farmhouse and it says, "Proper farmhouse food."

Yeah, that's what was here before you bulldozed it to build this fucker.

And the bags they give you are shit.

They reckon a polythene bag takes 5OO years to disintegrate.

No, it don't, it bursts just outside the door on the way out.

It's like a race home with your shopping.

"Out me way, they're gonna go!"

That's why they've got that ramp outside. That's not wheelchair access.

No, they've actually calculated that's how far you get before your bag bursts

and that drains all your milk and juice away.

That's a fucking sluice ramp, that.

(Chuckles)

And I'll tell you what you've got to do, self check-out.

Now that is fantastic. I tried it the other day.

You're looking at everyone on the other check-outs going, "Suckers.

"I'm gonna be sat at home sipping a pina colada while you're still lining up."

And it's brilliant, it talks you through it.

You'll be standing there holding a bag of sprouts and it goes,

"Please put your first item on the scanner."

"Please put your first item on the scanner."

"Please put your first item on the..."

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

"Sprouts."

It's shit.

(Applause and cheering)

What is going on?

What is it now? We've got machines that can't talk properly.

You pay your phone bill over the phone, you have to sound like the machine.

You ring them up and it goes, "To pay your bill, please say 'pay bill'."

Pay bill.

"Please say 'pay bill'."

(ln high voice, then low voice) Pay bill. Pay bill. Pay bill.

Pay bill, pay bill.

What's going on?

Why do you have to sound like a machine to get anything done?

You don't have to sound like the woman at the post office to get some stamps.

You don't go, "How can I help you, love?" "Three first class stamps, please."

"Sorry, what?" "Sorry."

(Shrieks) "Three first class stamps, please."

"Why didn't you say?" "I don't know just one of those fucking days, I suppose."

And why haven't they got the numbers thing sorted out with those machines?

You give them your account number,

it goes, "Did you say three seven two one five?"

Seven seven seven seven nine two one oh oh oh oh oh oh..."

Fuck, I'm back on the chat-line, here.

"Oh oh oh oh oh."

"Yeah, keep going, love, that's lovely, yeah."

- (Applause) - Sorry.

When did they record that nine? Did she sit on something?

"Niiine."

She certainly got up on the five.

"Fi-ve!"

Even if you get through to a normal human being, it's no better

cos they've got call centres and the idiot at the other end has got a script

and he can't come off the script.

You go, "I'd like to open an account on the internet,"

they go, "Can I have your account number, please?"

"I haven't got one yet."

"Oh, yeah, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

"Can I have your account number, please?"

And they have a script to go by

but they wouldn't like it if we had a script and we stuck to our script.

BT would call you up, "Can I speak to the account holder, please?"

And we go, "I am Spartacus."

"No, no, the account holder, please." "No, I am Spartacus."

My wife'll be on the phone to one of those machines paying a bill

and my wife has a posh telephone voice.

"Yes, a bought a lot..."

If I interrupt her, I go, "Love, love," she goes, "Fuck off, twat.

"Trying to pay the fucking electricity bill."

The machine gets Joanna Lumley, I get fucking Dot Cotton.

And electricity costs a fortune. They're making us pay fortunes now.

They're saying we should save the planet, save electricity, all this shit.

The Chinese are billowing shit from coal-fired power stations,

the Americans driving about in 4x4 Humvees,

Las Vegas is lit up like a giant Christmas tree

but if I switch off the standby button on my TV...

- (Applause and whistling) - What the fuck's going on?

Suddenly, suddenly, it's our fault, we've got to do something about it.

I'm loving this. You've got all these leaders jumping on jumbo jets,

getting driven to meetings to determine what's fucking up the planet.

I get a letter from the council the other day, turns out it's me.

I didn't know. Me and my missus were trying our best.

We fitted our house with those energy-saving light bulbs.

They're really good, they save a lot of energy.

Do you know why? Cos they don't fucking work.

They only last two minutes. They're not saving my energy.

I'm up a ladder changing the fuckers every three minutes.

If you harnessed all the energy it takes to change them light bulbs,

you could probably run a normal fucking light bulb.

And you might have them in your house. Don't they take ages to come on?

You switch them on, it's like you've got to wake the fuckers up.

You switch them on, it's like, "Hello? Hello? Hello?

"What's happening? What's going on?"

I've left the room, I've already done what I had to do.

"Was there someone in here just now?"

It's not our fault, folks. Everything has to change.

Everything they sell in the shops works off electricity.

Every smelly air-freshener thing they advertise, you've got to plug it in.

You don't have to plug dog shit in the wall, that does all right.

Everything is simulated, nothing's real.

You don't even have to have a relationship with anybody any more.

Do you know why? Because there's no time.

That's why I don't get that speed dating. You know speed dating?

We're all so busy now no-one even has time to go out on a date?

That's ridiculous. And how can you get to know anything about the person

when you've only just met them? That's mad.

So you've got two minutes to decide whether you like that person or not.

That must be like this.

(Clock ticking)

(Starter) On your marks, get set, go!

- Hi, my name... - (Buzzer)

(Woman) Move along, please.

- Hi, my name is... - (Buzzer)

- Move on! - OK.

Hi, my name's Lee. Don't tell me yours, there's no time.

(Radio tuning)

- (? Techno) - So, do you come here often?

Drink? No time.

(Music stops)

(Door opening)

Ooh, sorry I'm late. Have you ordered yet?

- Table for two? - No, just give us the bill.

- Taxi! - (Car pulls up)

- Move it! - (Accelerating away)

(Woman chuckling)

- (Slap) - Ow!

- (Woman) No! Not yet. - What the?

(Tyres screeching)

Quick!

(Clock ticking)

Fancy coming in for a quick coffee? After you.

(Clanging)

(Woman) Sorry.

(Moaning)

(Pneumatic drill)

(? Latin beat)

- (Slap) - (Woman) No, not yet!

(Church bells peal)

(? Here Comes The Bride)

- (Man) Do you take this man? - (Woman) Oh, yes.

- (Man) Do you take this woman? - Huh?

- (Car approaching) - Taxi!

Move it!

Quick!

After you.

- (Woman) Well? - Huh? Oh!

(Straining)

(Door closing, alarm sounding)

(Pneumatic drill)

(? Latin beat)

Oh, yeah. Ooh, just you and me together.

- Push! - (Straining)

- (Popping) - (Baby crying)

(Woman) We've been together for two minutes now

and it just isn't the same any more.

Goodbye.

(Door slams)

(? Mournful wha-wha guitar)

(Applause and cheering)

Ladies and gentlemen, they said to me before the show started,

"Do you mind if we take a break in the middle

"so that the people of London and the surrounding areas

"can go out and jack up?"

But before we go into the break, can I just thank you

for giving me this amazing chance to play this amazing building.

- (Cheering) - Erm...

Absolutely amazing.

Thank you very much indeed for coming down, folks, I love you very much.

I'll see you in five minutes. Thank you, everyone.

(Cheering and applause)

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back onto the stage, Mr Lee Evans.

(Cheering, whistling)

(Cheering, whistling)

Thank you very much for coming back. Thank you very, very much indeed.

- Did you, erm... - (Cheering)

They look just like johnnies hanging up.

Someone's blown some fucking johnnies up.

(Laughs) I've just noticed them. What the fuck is that?

Looks like two fucking lines of piles.

I'm not always like this, I have to explain. A lot of people say that to my wife.

"Is he fucking like this at home?" Why do they say that?

You'd never say that to anybody else like a brain surgeon. "Is he like this at home?"

"Yeah, he's always got the top of me head off while I'm trying to watch Countdown."

I'm fucking sweating. Look at that. Do you know what I need? Guttering.

I don't do any keep fit. I love these people that do keep fit.

You know, they drive to a gym, they jog on a running machine,

then they drive home and they pay for this.

Why don't they run up to the gym, jog up to reception and go,

"Can I have my money back, please, because I've done it."

I'm getting old, it's starting to kick in.

When I read the paper now, I'm getting further away from me eyes when I read.

I read now like I'm playing the frigging trombone. I'm like that.

It's funny when it's a bill, though, innit? You go, "Fuck it! How much?"

Things are starting to move around.

When I bend down to pick something up now, I can see me cheeks.

I can see me fucking cheeks!

And the older I get, more and more of me is falling forward.

I'm gonna get to an age where I can see me in front of me picking something up.

"Oh, hello, how are you doing?"

That's what my wife says, "I don't want to get old, everything starts flapping about.

"I don't want to wake up in the morning and me boobs are there by me sides,

"laying there looking like a fucking ball boy."

And women, as soon as they get to a certain age,

suddenly all blokes have got departments.

They say stuff to other women about them,

"He's all right in that department, thank you very much."

So they change all blokes into a branch of fucking Debenhams, you know?

They have chats amongst themselves, women,

"I said to him, I said to him, 'I'm not going near that department, thank you very much."'

They never speak like that to blokes. That would freak you out.

If you ask a girl, "Do you want to go out for the night?"

"Yeah. There's your reception, waiting area,

"but you have to make an appointment to see the managing director. And..."

(Applause)

"And no one gets to see the chairman."

And what is it with women, as soon as they reach a certain age,

their temperature's all over the fucking place.

Women in general, anyway, you get in bed with a woman, fuck, they're hot in bed.

Jeez, the heat. Fuck. It's like...

It's like getting in bed with a bubbling cauldron.

Even the hot water bottle's going, "Fucking open the window, I'm boiling in here."

Then in the day your wife walks around the house going, "Innit cold?

"Innit? Feel my hands. Feel my fucking hands."

"It's all right, love, I trust you.

"I'm not gonna open the freezer and feel up the peas and see if they're lying."

And then she'll go, "Innit hot?" Innit? Oh, fucking...

"I'm sweating, I'm sweating here."

Hot, cold, moisture. It's like living with a Russell Hobbs kettle.

Your wife goes, "It was cold, so I put the heating on."

Then she'll go, "Innit hot?"

She goes round opening all the windows. "Let some air in, let some fucking air in."

Then she'll go, "Innit cold?"

I'm sat on the couch in an overcoat and some swimming trunks,

I don't know what's coming next.

It's mad.

Creeps up on you.

Creeps up on you, age.

We was going to bed the other night,

getting in bed my wife was wearing a full-length fucking cotton nightgown.

I thought visiting time was over and I'd gotta fuck off, you know what I'm saying?

You know when you're a young bloke and you brag how much sex you got that night...

Well, I never got any, but if I did, I'd fucking brag about it.

"Oh, yeah, she loved it. Well, they both did, you know."

Do you know what I brag about now? How much sleep I got last night.

"I got eight hours last night."

"No?"

"Yeah.

"I snored and everything."

"Blimey, what are you taking?" "Oh, Horlicks."

I used to be fit, I used to be really fit. I used to box. Not out of choice.

I got bullied a lot in school, I got perpetually punched in the head by other kids.

So to toughen me up, my dad sent me to boxing

where I got perpetually punched in the head by the fucking kids.

I don't get boxing. You say to a boxer, "You really took some blows to the head there."

He'll go, "Yeah." "That doesn't bother you?"

"No. Comes with the job."

See, now, I don't want a job where you take brain-damaging blows to your head to do it.

These blokes say stuff like, "Just another day at the office."

"What kind of office is that? Cos I'd ring in sick."

Have you noticed every time two blokes meet in the street,

they always do the boxing thing?

You see two blokes meet in the street and they go, "Hey, how are you doing?"

"Not too bad."

It's always boxing, never any other sport.

You never see two blokes meet in the street and do the shot put.

"How ya doing?"

"Not too bad."

Ever see two blokes meet in the street and suddenly get out a hobbyhorse?

"How you doing? You all right?"

"Well, you know, up and down, up and down."

Meet your mate in the pub and you do the triple jump.

"Eh, look who's just walked in."

A lot of people say to me, "Lee, you should take up golf. It's really good for you."

Know what I say? "Fuck off."

It's a good game. I understand people playing it, but I don't get it.

A game you only play on one glove.

You don't play wearing one fucking shoe, do you?

You say to a golfer, "Why the glove?" They go, "Oh. Grip."

Why don't you put two gloves on, guess what that is?

More fucking grip.

- (Cheering, whistling) - Well...

I actually attempted to play golf once

and I nearly snapped me spinal cord in nine places trying to get out of a sand trap.

Whose idea was it to put a stretch of sand in the middle of some woodland?

Well, that's just a mirage, but the other way round.

You're playing a game in the woods... No, you're not, you're on the fucking beach.

That's like going surfing and someone saying,

"Watch them oak trees on the way in, won't ya?"

Golf is the only game where someone helps you play it.

The caddy does everything for you -

carries your clubs, tells you what club to use, how far the hole is.

I'd do a bit of sport if there was someone doing half the work for me.

It would be great if you were swimming, there's a bloke going, "Anything you need?"

"Not at the moment, no."

"You sure? There's a Starbucks round the corner."

"Tell you what, you can drag me the rest of the way. That's lovely, thanks."

And who come up with the scoring system for golf?

Birdie. That's a point in golf. Birdie.

I reckon the bloke who come up with the scoring system was very distracted that day.

You know...

"What's that?"

"Eh? That's a birdie."

"What's that?" "That's an eagle."

"What's that?" "That's a bogey."

And par. Par, par. That's a point in golf.

Par. That's a word that ain't even fucking finished yet.

"You're four under par."

"Par?"

"No, just par."

"Fuck off."

And they say golf is good exercise for you. What exercise?

Golf is the only game where you get a lift to the next hole on a bleeding golf buggy.

What lazy bugger come up with that?

You know you never see that in other sports. That would be good in the marathon.

"On your marks, get set, go!"

"Taxi!"

"Where are you going?" "Finish line, please."

Darts is a good game. Who came up with the scoring system for darts?

You know..."First one to nothing...

"wins."

I love darts. Darts is the only game where you can drink alcohol while you're playing it.

Other sports are ridiculed for going out and gambling and drinking,

they're tested for all sorts of substances.

Not darts - they're supping in-between shots.

I wanna see that in other sports. That would be great in the boxing.

Some bloke goes to his corner, has a swig of beer,

"Fuck. I reckon I could do him now."

Let's have it in all sports. It would be great in the Olympics at the shooting event.

Some bloke wandering about with a loaded rifle going, "What you fucking looking at?"

In some sports like the hammer thrower, he always looks like he's had a drink.

He always looks like he's been bunged out of a pub every time he throws that hammer.

"You fucking twat."

And... (Laughs)

I love watching sport, I really do.

Everyone complains that kids are not getting involved in sport,

they say they're staying at home playing the Wii and stuff like that.

Kids, they know about sport, but only by the Wii game,

so our next generation of athletes will be at the starting line...

"Go!"

"Mum! I'm not moving!"

I bought the kids the Wii game, I told them it was the Wii,

it's not, it's the remote.

They don't know. They think the game's changing channels.

There's been a lot of accidents with the Wii,

people getting hit in the head while playing it.

My wife uses it as an excuse. She's like that...

"Oh! Sorry.

"Oh!

"I did it again."

I know cos the telly ain't on, so I fucking know.

I do, I love watching sport.

I don't get it sometimes, though, when you see those pubs and the board outside says,

"Live in here tonight - England v Croatia." How the fuck are they all gonna fit in there?

Cos they have that other board that says, "Fight live."

I think "That's gonna happen fucking in there.

"That's a defo, that is."

And rugby, that's a good sport.

The game of no responsibility, rugby.

Someone throws you the ball, you go, "Fuck, I don't want it."

It's no wonder, have you seen the blokes playing it? They're fucking huge.

(Growls)

Have a look at 'em, it's like bulldozers in fucking shorts.

Two bits of discarded bubble gum as ears.

Aaaagh!

It's like Mr Potato Head with a fucking glandular problem, you know?

(Growls)

So why is it, why is it... Have you noticed in rugby all referees are little, short fellas?

You've got these blokes roaming around the field with cauliflower faces,

the tops of their head held on with industrial tape, who's in charge of these lot?

Jimmy Krankie.

And they all listen to him, you know.

They walk up to him and go like that... "Now listen here now.

"When I blow my whistle...

"I want you to engage and smash your fucking heads together."

(Growls) "OK, no problem."

Soon as a player swings a punch, he's like,

"Off my pitch, I'll have no violence here."

(Growls) "OK, man."

(Laughs) Cos the ref understands what they're saying, you know? They'll be like...

(Unintelligible shouting) "You'll have to go in the break."

(Unintelligible shouting)

"I don't care if you have shit your shorts."

And what is that thing they bring on for the kicker to take his kick, to put the ball on?

It's like a little cat feeding bowl.

He must have a fucking nervous cat at home, that bloke.

Every time the cat goes for the bowl, it's like...

"Eeow!"

"Sorry!"

"That's OK."

(Applause and cheering)

And they cheat. When there's a throw-in, they lift the fucker up and he catches it.

That's like doing the high jump, and getting a couple of mates to chuck us over the bar.

"One, two, three. Cheers, thank you."

The difference between rugby and football - you're pronounced dead on the field in rugby

and they just stand up and go, "It's all right, I'll run it off".

In football you only have to tap 'em, they're on the floor going,

"Chop it off, it's no good for me now.

"You just spoiled my make-up."

That's what gets me about footballers, they writhe about in agony on the floor,

soon as they score a goal they start doing fucking back flips.

I don't like about football that side of it, the unsportsman stuff.

I don't like unsportsmanship in football.

I hate it when the team in the lead get the ball,

they take it to the corner and keep it there to waste time.

You never see that in other sports like the darts.

Some bloke playing darts goes up to the board, "No, no. No, no.

"Fuck it."