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0
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(US man) Driven by seven and a half
million pounds of thrust.
1
00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:11,637
(Second man) Five, four, three,
two, one, zero.
2
00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:13,955
- (Electronic pulse)
- All engines running.
3
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:15,991
(Electronic pulse continues)
4
00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:26,590
(UK man) Mr Evans.
Two minutes, Mr Evans.
5
00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:31,037
(Laughter)
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00:00:55,880 --> 00:01:01,352
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Mr Lee Evans.
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(Cheering)
8
00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:05,031
(? Dramatic orchestral music)
9
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(Cheering, whistling)
10
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,519
Thank you very much indeed
for coming down. Wow.
11
00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:37,357
(Cheering, whooping)
12
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Thank you.
13
00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:44,189
Well, I am shitting my pants.
14
00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:46,512
Fucking hell. This is huge.
15
00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:49,950
My God, last time I was next to a dome
this big, I was fucking breastfeeding.
16
00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:54,955
Right up the top. Thanks for coming down.
Really. Thank you so much.
17
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:55,989
(Cheering)
18
00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:57,439
(Mouths)
19
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:01,310
You know, I was up there earlier. I went up
there with a couple of Gurkha guides
20
00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:03,316
and some fucking oxygen.
21
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,510
I came down, went through fucking
decompression.
22
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,994
You wait till you come down
from up there. Fucking hell.
23
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:11,510
But, er, and I nearly never made it.
I got out of bed this morning stiff-necked.
24
00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:15,235
I thought, "How the fuck did that happen?
Did I sleep walk to a go-go dancing club?"
25
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:18,352
That's the thing. You could be
the biggest headbanger in town. Nothing.
26
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:20,675
Wake up in a nice, spongy bed,
you need a neck brace.
27
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:24,315
It's like you got whiplash
from doing... fuck all, you know?
28
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,920
"Was you in a pile-up?"
"Nah. I was in bed."
29
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:30,311
Shit day today. Mind you, I like it.
30
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:32,396
You know when it rains,
I like it when people...
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00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:35,750
When it rains, they go, "Yeah,
it's raining but it's that really wet rain."
32
00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:40,830
What kind of fucking rain is that?
These same people stand in flood water,
33
00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,678
hanging on, going,
"We're all right cos it's dry rain!"
34
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,238
It's like those people that go abroad
35
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:50,317
and they go, "Well, it's a different kind
of heat over there, you know."
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00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:52,635
"No, I don't. How about
you stick your head in my oven,
37
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:54,989
"I switch it on, let's see
what fucking happens."
38
00:02:56,920 --> 00:03:00,117
And we've been travelling around,
been staying in shit hotels.
39
00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:03,835
What is it with these old hotels? They've all
got that timer light switch in the hallway.
40
00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:06,872
The one you push in. How does it know
how fast you are up the stairs?
41
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:10,356
You're halfway up the stairs, clink,
you're standing in complete blackness.
42
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,277
Help me! (Echoes)
43
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,748
They've all got a half table
up against the wall.
44
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,155
What's that for?
To write half a fucking post card?
45
00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:21,075
Where's the other half,
on the other side of the wall?
46
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:24,829
Some bloke went at that wall really fast.
"I got that table you wanted."
47
00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,518
Boom!
48
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:31,789
Maybe it's a warning of what's to come.
In your room, there's half a bed to sleep in,
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00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:33,478
half a tea cup to drink your tea out of.
50
00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:36,557
Some bloke gone mental with a chainsaw.
"I fucking hate furniture!"
51
00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,238
(Whirs)
52
00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:43,398
These old hotels. Everything creaks,
every floorboard... argh, argh, argh.
53
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,192
Every door... argh.
54
00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:48,471
You lay awake, listening to the bloke
above you. You know exactly where he is
55
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:51,318
and what he's doing.
About three o'clock, you turn into his wife.
56
00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:53,999
"That's the fourth time tonight.
Go back to fucking bed!"
57
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,638
(Laughs)
58
00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:00,353
So it's really good to be back in London.
I fucking love it here.
59
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,392
Mind you, there's some pigeons
in fucking London, I tell you.
60
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,591
I don't get birds anyway. Birds descended
from dinosaurs, that's right.
61
00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:09,677
Aah, urh, arh, ooh, ee, aah, uh.
62
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:11,472
Tweet tweet.
63
00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:17,037
I don't like pigeons. All they do is crap a lot.
24 hours a day. Dump, dump, dump.
64
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:20,438
You know, if that was us, that would
be considered a major problem.
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00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:24,598
You'd been running in your doctors like
that... (High pitched) "You gotta stop it.
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00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,437
"It's like a river."
67
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,679
And they do it while they're flying.
How the fuck d'you do that?
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00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:35,917
That's like us jumping off the sideboard
and banging one out.
69
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:39,150
Next time you're in the bog, try doing this.
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00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:43,631
You can't concentrate.
71
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:45,998
I've tried.
72
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,679
Pigeons. All they do is
they make me panic, pigeons.
73
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:54,156
When you walk towards a pigeon, without
warning, they just fly up into your face.
74
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,839
You end up doing
what the fucking pigeon's doing, you know?
75
00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,270
Certain things make me panic. For instance,
you can put your coat on by yourself
76
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:03,357
but as soon as someone tries to help you,
you can't find the sleeve.
77
00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:06,717
Stay still!
78
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,718
Why? Why? Why?
79
00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:13,911
If someone helped you on with a hat,
you wouldn't keep fucking missing it.
80
00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,749
Someone opens the door for you.
"Thank you very much."
81
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:20,597
Fucking...
82
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,871
It's like... (Laughs)
83
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:25,990
Certain things. Like zips,
they make me panic.
84
00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:28,918
Have you ever worn a jacket with a zip
and your mobile goes off inside
85
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,599
and your zip decides to get stuck?
You start panicking.
86
00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:35,110
You're like that..."Fucking hell.
Me mobile. Me mobile."
87
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,755
If you get it to the top, maybe it'll come
down. No, you're stuck higher.
88
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,072
"Phone an amblance."
89
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:45,838
I hate that. You're going out the door,
in a hurry, you do your zip up,
90
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,314
all the teeth come apart. Fucking hate that.
91
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:52,035
You think,"If I can get it to the top, it'll come
down." No. You're apart all the way up.
92
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:55,038
You're walking down the street,
looking like a fucking shuttlecock.
93
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:02,232
And zips sound different
depending on what job they gotta do.
94
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:04,840
Like the one on your case
when you've packed to go on holiday.
95
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:08,509
Always sounds excited when you do it up.
It's like... (High pitched) Yeah-eah-eah!
96
00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:13,195
It don't sound like that at customs
when they undo it.
97
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,037
(Low pitched) No. Uhhh-uh-uh.
98
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:19,593
Like the one on your wife's dress
when she asks you to do it up.
99
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,359
Always sound like a fucking tight fit,
like... (Grinding)
100
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:26,949
(Laughing)
101
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,316
But it is. I come out the house today
102
00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:32,874
to get into the car to come up here,
fucking cat under me car.
103
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:36,390
There's always a cat under your car
just sat there like that..."Morning."
104
00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:40,432
He's got, like, a part time job
at Kwik Fit, you know?
105
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:43,552
If you catch 'em unawares, they don't like it,
like you caught them doing something.
106
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,636
You look under your car,
they go like that...
107
00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:51,229
They get... You make a cat angry,
they start doing all that Dracula kung fu shit.
108
00:06:56,360 --> 00:07:00,148
It's when an animal just stops dead. Ever
stare at a squirrel and they suddenly go?
109
00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,516
Fuck, he's gonna go for me throat.
110
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,357
Try it, it works. Someone picks on you
on a Friday or a Saturday,
111
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,789
"You looking at my bird?" Go like that...
112
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:12,832
"Fuck, I'll leave him alone, I think."
113
00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,513
Dogs, I like. I don't get Crufts, though,
you know the dog show?
114
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:23,996
Some of the stuff they make those dogs
do is humiliating. Dogs aren't like that.
115
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:27,032
That's embarrassing. If you had a dog
and you were going up the paper shop
116
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,036
and went, "Come on, boy."
117
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,397
"Stop it!"
118
00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:36,868
And they always have nice dogs in Crufts,
have you noticed?
119
00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:41,630
You never see a pit bull with a big ribbon in
his hair going, "You say one fucking word."
120
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:47,238
(Laughing)
121
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:52,390
And I gets in the car. What is it
with seat belts? They're so temperamental.
122
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:55,637
You pull a seat belt suddenly and it's like
you've startled it, it won't come out.
123
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:57,398
You're pulling. It goes, "No!
124
00:07:58,120 --> 00:07:59,838
"Fuck it!"
125
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:02,633
You have to ease it out.
"Come on, come on, come on, come on."
126
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:06,397
"I got a bad feeling about this trip,
I really have. I don't..."
127
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:10,029
Air bags, they're always keen
to get in on the action.
128
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:13,231
You only have to ping your car
and it's, like..."Pfoo! Is it me?"
129
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,517
Fuck off.
130
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:20,314
They always go down disappointed. "Aw,
I thought I was gonna see some action."
131
00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:24,714
Cos I love travelling. I love it.
I liked it when I was a kid.
132
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:26,512
Remember travelling with your parents
133
00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:28,994
and your mum would buy
those travel sweets in the tin?
134
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,713
Soon as she opened that tin,
that powder was all over the car.
135
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,432
All round your mouth. You looked
like a family of fucking crackheads.
136
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:41,352
You're out of your box on sugar.
(Growls) "Give me another one."
137
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,919
Your dad's speeding up.
"Fuck, I'm a drugs mule."
138
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:48,952
I do. I love it.
139
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,479
(Laughing)
140
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,595
I was coming into London today.
141
00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:56,916
People don't mind picking their nose
in their car, do they?
142
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,428
I was at these traffic lights,
I looked over, this bloke,
143
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,232
I mean, he's really getting... you know?
144
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:03,999
All blokes have discovered,
it's a medical breakthrough,
145
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,076
that this fits every orifice in his body.
146
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:11,035
One day, he went, "Blimey,
it fits here, here. Ah! And here."
147
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:18,316
I'm watching this bloke and I'm as interested
as he is in what's gonna come out.
148
00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:20,157
"Go on, sunshine!"
149
00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,873
It's like watching the fucking
Discovery Channel, you know?
150
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:28,469
I don't want the lights to change.
I wanna see what happens. "Go on!"
151
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:31,876
When you don't realise, the lights change,
that fucker behind you goes...
152
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:34,150
(Honks) "Come on!"
153
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,839
And you always pull away
extra fast... (Revving engine)
154
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,556
He never pulls away fast, does he?
155
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:45,149
It's always some old fella in an Austin
Allegro, like that... (Honks) "Come on!"
156
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:54,234
Sorry, mate, was I holding you up from
breaking the land fucking speed record?
157
00:09:57,120 --> 00:10:00,635
Hate that. Ever sit at traffic lights,
you suddenly look in your rear-view mirror,
158
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:03,240
suddenly there's an ambulance going,
"Woo! Woo! Woo!"
159
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:06,078
Suddenly you forget how to drive,
like, "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah."
160
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,479
The gear stick's, the brake,
the windscreen wipers are going,
161
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,829
the windows are going up and down.
(Honking)
162
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:15,395
You get out, shout
to the ambulance driver, "You do it.
163
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,510
"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."
164
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:24,913
I travel a lot at night. Why do traffic lights
during the night wanna hold you up?
165
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:28,396
There's fuck all on the roads
but traffic lights are like, "Stop."
166
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:33,477
There's fuck all here.
167
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,070
"Stop."
168
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:39,829
You know you're sat at a junction, you
should be looking at roaring traffic. Nothing.
169
00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:44,078
You ever see a red light for so long,
you start going like that, "It's broken."
170
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:49,231
"That light's broken."
171
00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:53,719
You know those people in cars behind you
going like that, "Go on. It's broken."
172
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,355
You know as soon as you pull out...
(Speeding engine)
173
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,514
Have you ever seen a traffic light
have a mental breakdown?
174
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:12,269
They stand there, flashing all their colours.
"Green, amber, stop, go, I don't know..."
175
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:17,308
They put a hood over 'em. It's like a fucking
straight jacket for mental traffic lights.
176
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:20,830
You can hear 'em underneath going like
that, "I'm Britney Spears, I am. Woo!"
177
00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:25,313
(Laughing)
178
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:28,636
Who are these people who use a pedestrian
crossing in the middle of the night?
179
00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:31,717
There's fuck all on the roads
but they press that button and hold you up.
180
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:33,955
They could lay in the road
and nothing would hit 'em.
181
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,673
They could dance all the way home
on the road. Nothing.
182
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,439
But they wanna press that button.
(High pitched) "Stop!
183
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,871
"I'm going across the road."
184
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:47,836
You know, they've always got that smug
fucking look on their face, you know?
185
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:53,631
You're sat in your car, turning
into a ventriloquist. "Come on, you twat."
186
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,678
Who are these people who use
a zebra crossing but don't thank you?
187
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,951
I hate them fuckers. When you've stopped
for somebody at a zebra crossing
188
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:07,471
these buggers just walk across as if
you're not even there. They go, "Yeah, so?"
189
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:13,394
Fucking don't mind me.
I pay the road tax, you fucking use it!
190
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:18,999
If somebody does thank you now,
you think they're nuts.
191
00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:23,431
If somebody walked across a zebra crossing
going like that, "Thank you very much."
192
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:27,360
"Thank you ever so much for stopping."
193
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:30,672
He's fucking nuts.
194
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,795
Ever been standing at a bus stop
and the bus pulls up
195
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,229
and the driver decides
to let his air brakes off?
196
00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:40,919
- (Loud hiss)
- Fucking hell.
197
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,795
Why do they do that?
They'd hate it if we did it to them,
198
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:47,276
got on the bus and went...
(Shouts) Single to the town centre, please.
199
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,831
People just wanna hold you up.
200
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:56,350
Tractor drivers. Fuck. You ever been sat
behind one of them doing 2O miles an hour?
201
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:59,153
You're just staring at the back
of his head, going like that.
202
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,036
They're weird, farmers, you know?
203
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:11,117
You know when they give you that weird look
as you go by. You know?
204
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,952
Cos all farmers say the same thing.
"What's your 'urry?
205
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,837
"Slow down.
206
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:27,475
"This is the country, fucking city boy."
207
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:30,669
Then they go to one of those
cattle markets and go nuts.
208
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:32,517
(Jabbering)
209
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:38,317
What's the sudden hurry?
210
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:42,749
I know, he wants to get back on the road
so he can fucking hold me up again!
211
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,878
- (Cheering)
- Oh, wow.
212
00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:59,279
Thanks. I thought somebody had walked on.
213
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:03,149
(Laughing) I shit meself.
214
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:09,038
Oh, dear. I love that. When you've got
your wife in the car with you
215
00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:11,878
and someone cuts you up.
Next traffic lights, you get out of the car,
216
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:14,673
you say to your wife, "I'm gonna
have a fucking word with him."
217
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:19,869
You get up to the car, huge gorilla.
(Growls) "What d'you fucking want?
218
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:25,749
"Shit." You can't lose face
cos your wife's watching.
219
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:29,315
You go, "I just wanna congratulate you
on your superb driving skills back there.
220
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:32,434
"The way you went round
that roundabout not once but twice.
221
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:36,837
"And the way you threw that fag
out that window was fucking genius."
222
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:49,958
You get back in your car with your wife
and go like that. "He's shit himself."
223
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:54,715
Not just me on that one, then. Good-oh.
224
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:58,153
Ever experienced the lorry driver's mate?
Not the lorry driver
225
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,395
but his mate who gets out the cab,
stands in the road
226
00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:03,000
and does that aircraft
carrier landing shit with his hands.
227
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,634
"Stop! Lorry coming out."
228
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:11,953
Fuck off! He'd hate it if we did it to him.
229
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,639
"Fuck off, me and the missus
coming through."
230
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,640
And they have that posh voice
when they're reversing.
231
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:25,036
"Warning. Vehicle reversing.
232
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:28,356
"Warning. Vehicle... reversing."
233
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,391
Have you seen the driver?
234
00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:38,832
Fuck, it's not the vehicle
I'm worried about, it's him.
235
00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:43,112
Perhaps the warning is for him,
he's in his cab going, "Am I?
236
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:48,590
"I thought I was going really slow,
people just overtaking."
237
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:56,553
Who is that bloke in the middle of the road
doing all that stuff?
238
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:59,956
He's a law unto himself, he's a traffic cop,
he can control the traffic.
239
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,797
It's like that citizen's arrest.
240
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,673
Suddenly we can become a copper
and arrest somebody.
241
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:08,110
So if a copper arrests you,
what, we can just arrest him back?
242
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,549
"You're nicked!"
"No! You're nicked!"
243
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:17,070
"You can't do that." "Hey, don't make it
worse for yourself, sonny."
244
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:26,510
They have that on the back of lorries,
"How's my driving? Call this number." How?
245
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,552
I can't write it down, I'd crash.
246
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,956
And if he crashed into you, would you
call him from the wreckage of your car?
247
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,195
"Hello? Yeah, you're shit!"
248
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:40,510
You'd call an ambulance.
249
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,796
They always say, when there's an accident,
"Stay calm. Stay calm."
250
00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:48,753
That's why I admire the emergency
services, cos they're so calm.
251
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:52,554
We run to a call box and you go like that...
(Shouts) "I need a fire engine now!"
252
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,591
And they go...
(Calmly) "OK, where are you?"
253
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,631
"I don't fucking know, do I?"
254
00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:01,350
But they have to be calm, it'd be no good
if they were the same as us.
255
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,834
If you went, "I need a fire engine now!"
256
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:06,235
And they want, "Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
257
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:09,470
"Fuck! Me tea's gone everywhere.
258
00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:13,594
"Me pen's stuck up me arse!"
259
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,631
(Giggles)
260
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:23,635
I do, I admire the emergency services.
Nurses I admire most.
261
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:25,671
How they can cope in the NHS
is beyond me.
262
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,075
Cos the NHS is fucked.
263
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:33,957
It is! You know, everyone complains about
the superbugs and the germs in the NHS,
264
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:37,470
but that's the only thing that are doing well
in hospitals at the moment.
265
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:40,353
They're the healthiest fuckers in there.
266
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:43,790
It's like germs down the gym going,
"I'm a germ, I feel good!"
267
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,750
It's not safe to be in hospitals any more.
268
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,268
Have you visited anybody recently?
Each bed's got a phone.
269
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:54,108
Do you know what that's for?
That's to call a fucking ambulance.
270
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,993
You know the most important people
in hospitals? The cleaners.
271
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,600
Fuck the surgeons,
Mrs Mop's in charge now.
272
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,837
Soon we'll have a whole episode of Casualty
dedicated to cleaners.
273
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:07,158
"I need 1Occs of Cif and set me up
an IV of Domestos, quick!
274
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:09,919
"We're low on Flash!
We're gonna lose the stain!"
275
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:16,313
Soon, you'll have junior cleaners following
senior cleaners to learn how it's done.
276
00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:18,669
"We've got a dirty floor.
What do we need for a dirty floor?"
277
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:21,029
"Well, we need a bucket."
278
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:24,836
"Yes, but we need a good doobie-doo."
279
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:26,518
"Doobie-doo?"
"Yes."
280
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,437
"Doobie-doo!"
281
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,673
Don't know if you've been to outpatients.
It's humiliating.
282
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,517
All they do is get you to take your clothes off.
283
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:41,076
You could walk in with earache. "OK, take
your clothes off, let's have a look at you."
284
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,237
It's a hospital, they must know
what they're doing.
285
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:48,034
You don't do that anywhere else. You don't
go up the dentist, "I got toothache."
286
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:51,356
"OK, pull your pants down,
let's have a look at your arse."
287
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:59,357
And when you take your clothes,
they give you that hospital big blue gown.
288
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,277
Fuck, it's like a giant J Cloth.
289
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:06,078
That's what we're wearing - they're getting
us to clean the wards for them now.
290
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:10,750
You do whatever that doctor says. He's like,
"Could you lie on the floor? Lovely.
291
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:13,712
"Could you give me your ankles?
Could you make this noise - 'mmm'?
292
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:15,830
"That's good."
"Mmmm."
293
00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:23,599
Every time you're up the hospital, they
wanna know who the immediate family is.
294
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,552
"Are you the immediate family?"
"No, I'm not that fast."
295
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,318
Who the fuck are they?
296
00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:30,351
You invite them round your house for dinner,
297
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:35,076
they go, "We're already here, goodbye,
we've got to go, we're the immediate family."
298
00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:36,758
Who makes this stuff up?
299
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:40,076
Cos your distant relatives,
you invite them round for dinner,
300
00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:44,113
they stand at the end of your drive going,
"Hello! We're the distant relatives!
301
00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:47,792
"We won't be coming in!"
302
00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:53,271
Who makes this up? Cos there's your
cousin once removed.
303
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,311
Why? What the fuck did he do?
304
00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:01,153
Cos there's your other cousin twice
removed. "I told you once - fuck off!"
305
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:07,549
I couldn't call anybody on my phone.
If I had to call for an ambulance, not me.
306
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:12,037
My mobile's knackered.
It's really old, you gotta chuck coal in it.
307
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:14,071
Well, I won't renew it.
I can't stand mobiles.
308
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:16,634
People always shout
as soon as they get a call.
309
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,956
(Shouts) "Hello?! Really?!
310
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,991
"Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
311
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:28,674
And they always walk away, "Got a call,
got a call, private, private, private.
312
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,676
(Shouts) "Hello?!"
313
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:35,151
Guess what?
We can still fucking hear you.
314
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:38,870
And everyone's got cameras
on their phones now
315
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:42,356
and they feel they've got to take a picture
of fucking everything.
316
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:46,552
You get these people,
"Look, I can take a picture on my phone."
317
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,273
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well, I got it on my phone."
318
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:52,316
"Yeah, fucking then what?"
319
00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:53,759
"Well, I can keep it."
320
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:57,349
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well, I gotta delete it, takes up memory."
321
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:01,592
Madness.
322
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:02,993
(Cheering)
323
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:09,838
Even traffic wardens are taking pictures
when they give us a ticket.
324
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:11,950
What happens when he gets his albums?
325
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,754
He goes, "Oh, look, there's one of me
being a bastard.
326
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,633
"Those were the days."
327
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:21,399
You know what I hate about mobiles?
Predictive text.
328
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:23,874
It's like someone butting in
your conversation all the time.
329
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,195
You're trying to send a message,
you can't do it.
330
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:28,913
I'm just going to where, up the road? No.
I'm just going to where, up the pub? No!
331
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:32,270
I'm just going to where, up the shops?
No! Fuck off!
332
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:35,949
It's like twins - twins always wanna
finish each other's sentences?
333
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:39,549
One day one of them's gonna go,
"Will you please let me finish a fucking..."
334
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:40,999
"Sentence?"
335
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:49,112
Mobiles are getting smaller. The trouble is,
your wife's handbag's getting bigger.
336
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,628
Have you seen your wife
when her mobile goes off in her bag?
337
00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:54,558
She disappears for a week and a half.
338
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:58,388
You can hear her in her bag, going,
(Muffled) "Where's my fucking mobile?"
339
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:02,231
The size of women's handbags now.
340
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:05,158
It's not an 'andbag any more,
it's a body bag.
341
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:08,237
Me and my missus, we was going out,
we were in the hallway,
342
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:10,669
I said, "It's all right,
I'll take the rubbish out tomorrow."
343
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,711
She went, "Fuck off, that's me bag!"
344
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:17,029
Is it? It's huge!
345
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:20,470
Still had the fucking horns on it
and everything.
346
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:23,318
And, men, never go
in women's handbags. No.
347
00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:26,033
Man has explored deep space,
even landed on the moon,
348
00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:30,517
but if your wife goes, "It's in me bag,"
you go, "Well, you fucking get it out.
349
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:33,120
"I am not going in there.
350
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:36,197
"I've seen things go in there
and they ain't come out."
351
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:40,917
Your wife ever asked you to hold her
handbag while she's trying on shoes?
352
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:44,475
Just standing in the middle of the shop
going like that.
353
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:47,910
You just look like a badly dressed
transvestite holding a bag.
354
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:55,720
Touch-screen technology now,
that's what it is with phones.
355
00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:58,479
That's how the bloke sells it to you,
as if it's something new.
356
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,511
"Yeah, it's got touch-screen technology."
357
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:02,790
We've had touch-screen technology
for years!
358
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:04,831
Go down the overnight garage
at three in the morning
359
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:08,316
and see all those pissheads
doing touchscreen on that glass.
360
00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:11,830
Bang-bang-bang-bang!
"Oi! Ginsters!"
361
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:17,318
Bang-bang! "Fucking Ginsters!"
362
00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:20,476
(Burps)
363
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:22,511
(Screeching)
364
00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:28,149
Geniuses, these blokes are.
They're pioneers.
365
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:30,634
They'll come up with
smash-screen technology next.
366
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:33,797
Fssssh! "A Ginsters."
367
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,557
Pioneers.
368
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,591
You know when
your wife's on the phone
369
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:43,393
and she makes all those faces to you,
but to what she's hearing?
370
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:45,431
She'll go like that, "Noooo!
371
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:49,112
"Really?"
372
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,999
They suck you in.
You go, "What? What? What?"
373
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,673
And then she'll go,
"Fuck off, I'm on the phone!"
374
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:03,991
(Cheering, whistling)
375
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:05,234
(Chuckles)
376
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,951
Oh, yeah, cos your wife is an incredible
psychic when she's on the phone.
377
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,878
Your wife ever done that?
Come off the phone to one of her mates,
378
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:14,512
"It was amazing!
379
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:16,994
"I was just thinking about her
and she called!"
380
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:19,471
Ooooooh!
381
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:26,309
When you aren't thinking about her and she
don't call, is that really fucking weird too?
382
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,519
You say to your wife, "Who are you
thinking about now?" "No one."
383
00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:33,028
"Oh! And no one's calling!"
384
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:42,192
Your wife's like, "I must be psychic,
I was thinking you were a tosser,
385
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:44,435
"and it turns out you fucking are."
386
00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:52,797
And everyone's on Facebook now.
Anyone on Facebook?
387
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:54,558
(Cheering)
388
00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:57,910
Everyone's on... So many kids now are
talking to each other via their computer,
389
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:00,474
they're forgetting how to have
a fucking conversation.
390
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:03,432
In a few years' time,
you'll have two kids walk up to each other
391
00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:05,471
and they'll go like that...
392
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:12,997
They're gonna know
what the fuck that meant!
393
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:15,759
I don't get Facebook. Would you
walk up to somebody in the street
394
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,995
and go, "Would you like to see my pants?"
395
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:21,713
Cos that's what Facebook is.
No one says a word to you all day,
396
00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,274
they go on Facebook,
they don't care, they go fucking nuts.
397
00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:26,151
"Hello, me name's Keith.
398
00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:31,154
"I like polythene bags. Ha ha!
399
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:35,439
"Sucking windows. Ha ha ha!
400
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:41,348
"Geese. Ha ha ha ha!
401
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:44,676
"Sometimes I like to pick me nose
and wipe it under the chair.
402
00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:48,679
"And as you can see by my photograph,
my knob is five foot six. Ha ha!"
403
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:54,752
"You..." (Giggles)
404
00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:56,791
"You didn't want to put your face on there?"
405
00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:59,274
"No, I'm worried about identity theft. Ha ha!"
406
00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:05,238
Everyone's worried about ID theft now.
407
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:08,238
It seems we've gotta prove who we are
24 hours a day.
408
00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:10,999
That thing when you go
through the airport, passport control?
409
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,952
It's fucking madness. As soon as
you hand that bloke your passport,
410
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:16,309
you try and look like your own photograph.
411
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:24,034
"No, go back a few faces,
you were in just now."
412
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,675
Boof! "Go on. Fuck off."
413
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:32,799
It's no wonder. They've made us paranoid.
414
00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:34,637
For instance, I like watching the news,
415
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:37,274
but you can't watch it any more
without shitting your pants.
416
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:39,276
Now, it's like they've got "Breaking news".
417
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,471
You're eating your tea
and there's the sound of a jet plane, fwoosh!
418
00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:45,478
"Breaking news!"
"Fucking hell! Eh, when?"
419
00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:48,357
Why do they want to shit us up like that?
420
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:50,868
You might as well have the newsreader
run across the set
421
00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:54,151
chucking his paper in the air,
going, "Arghhhhh!"
422
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:58,838
Has the same effect.
Then they don't tell you what it is.
423
00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:01,235
"Breaking news. Join us after the adverts."
424
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:05,151
"Wait a minute. If this news is so breaking,
why are you going to adverts?"
425
00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:08,078
That's like a copper knocking on your door
at three in the morning...
426
00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:10,190
"I've got some grave news, I'm afraid.
427
00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:13,198
"But first, this. 'My hair is so bouncy! '
428
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:16,711
"'Cos you're worth it.'
429
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:19,875
"There is a murderer on the loose.
430
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:22,513
? "'Ooh, Danone"'?
431
00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:26,277
What the fuck is that stuff?
432
00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:28,959
I think it's the noise you make
after you've eaten it. (Parp)
433
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:30,991
"Ooh, Danone."
434
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:35,789
"Have a whiff on that.
That's the bad bacteria coming out, that is."
435
00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:40,596
(Laughs)
436
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:42,392
They have 24-hour-a-day news now.
437
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:44,795
It's not 24-hour-a-day news,
it's 15 seconds of news
438
00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:47,673
repeated over and fucking over again.
439
00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:50,837
Watching the news now is like
going round your nan's house for tea.
440
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:54,912
It's the same experience.
"Shall I put the kettle on?
441
00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,191
"I know, I'll put the kettle on.
442
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:01,794
"Ooh, I know, I'll put the kettle on."
443
00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:03,910
"Put the fucking kettle on!"
444
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:10,357
In our house, in one room,
we've got a TV that works off of an aerial,
445
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:13,517
and in another room, we've got
one that works off of a satellite.
446
00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:17,189
If you walk from one room to the other,
you get a repeat of a repeat of the news.
447
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:21,199
"There's a murderer on the loose.
There's a murderer on the loose."
448
00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:25,028
Fuck, you've got your nan round,
"There's a murderer on the loose."
449
00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:32,148
(Giggles) I was watching TV last night.
450
00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:35,112
Have you noticed,
round about one o'clock, two in the morning,
451
00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:36,878
TV suddenly changes?
452
00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:39,957
Your TV suddenly gets all depraved.
You'll be sat there watching it,
453
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:42,912
and suddenly half-naked women
start coming on, laying on couches,
454
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:45,952
going, "Call me now for a chat."
455
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:51,999
Chat? Who's calling her for a chat?
456
00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:54,190
Some bloke with his trousers
round his ankles.
457
00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:56,549
"Yeah, I'll call you for a chat. Hur, hur."
458
00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:02,830
Not calling her for a chat!
459
00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:05,758
They know blokes can't concentrate
on more than one thing at a time.
460
00:29:05,800 --> 00:29:10,396
"Could you shut up, love?
I'm trying to concentrate, for crying out loud."
461
00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:16,274
What if you actually did
ring 'em up for a chat? "Hello.
462
00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:18,356
"Yeah. I think the economies of the Far East
463
00:29:18,400 --> 00:29:20,630
"have capitalised on
our reliance on outsourcing.
464
00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:23,274
"How'd you feel about that,
er... Anal Annie?"
465
00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:26,754
"My arse is your command."
466
00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:31,794
Chat. Why don't they just say it?
"Call now... for a wank!"
467
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:36,391
(Bang)
468
00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:41,673
You see blokes jump. "Oh, don't
slap me about like that, mate.
469
00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:46,433
"That's not good for it, see?
Don't want a cauliflower knob, you know?"
470
00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:49,875
I love that on those adverts, they go,
471
00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:53,469
"Call now if you're single
or even if you're not."
472
00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:56,751
Well, who's that, then?
That's fucking everyone, innit?
473
00:29:56,800 --> 00:29:59,678
Have you noticed, on those adverts,
they're always whispering?
474
00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:01,597
(Whispers) "Call O8OO 555..."
475
00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:05,110
They know your missus is upstairs,
she might fucking hear it!
476
00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:08,596
"Keep it down, love.
That's lovely, that's great, yeah."
477
00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:14,553
You're being mugged! They're preying on
blokes' needs, taking money from you.
478
00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:17,672
There's muggers all over the country going,
"We need to change our ways.
479
00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:19,676
"These fuckers are earning a fortune!"
480
00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:23,030
Soon, you'll have muggers
run up to you in the street and go, "Oi, you!
481
00:30:23,080 --> 00:30:25,196
(Huskily) "Give me your wallet.
482
00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:30,071
"Now."
483
00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:33,032
"Yeah, all right, love. Give us a show."
Whoosh! Pop!
484
00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:38,232
Love that. On those adverts, they go,
485
00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:41,909
"Call, and we'll put you in touch
with people in your area."
486
00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:46,988
People on your area? That's the reason he's
calling! He can't pull any birds in his area.
487
00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:48,837
You don't want
to be at the off-licence
488
00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:52,350
and the woman behind the counter goes,
"Your voice sounds familiar to me."
489
00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:55,312
"Does it? Right. See you later. Fuck that!"
490
00:30:57,080 --> 00:30:59,389
And how local is it?
It might be your wife in the next room.
491
00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:02,591
"Hello? Hello? Is that you?"
"No!" Fwoosh!
492
00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:09,838
They have these late-night quiz shows
on the TV.
493
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:13,077
See, I don't like quiz shows anyway.
I was watching Deal Or No Deal.
494
00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:15,111
You ever seen that? It's just opening boxes.
495
00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:18,357
Our postman's been doing that for years
round our way.
496
00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:22,393
I wouldn't mind, on that show, if one of those
boxes was rigged with high explosives.
497
00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:25,113
They have to try and guess
not which one it is.
498
00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:27,958
"All right, number 15, Noel."
"(Gasps) You bastard!"
499
00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:29,194
Boom!
500
00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:32,912
Tune in to watch that.
501
00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:35,793
But these late-night quizzes,
about two in the morning,
502
00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:39,037
they try and make them all glamorous,
these women in low-cut tops going...
503
00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:41,355
"Welcome to the casino."
504
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:43,960
Casino! Do you know who's watching that?
505
00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:46,594
Some bloke, just in from the pub,
holding a kebab, pissed out of his head,
506
00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:50,189
going, "Come on! I got the kids'
dinner money riding on this!"
507
00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:54,758
Never see him go by in Casino Royale,
did you? Sat with James Bond.
508
00:31:54,800 --> 00:31:58,270
James Bond's like that, "I'll raise you."
"Oh, fuckin' will ya?
509
00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:03,196
"Well, I'll raise you
me ke... (Burps) bab."
510
00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:08,755
And some of the presenters
of these late-night quizzes.
511
00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:11,030
They look like fucking serial killers.
512
00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:13,071
They stare out of the screen at you.
513
00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:15,111
"What do you think it is?"
514
00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:18,591
"What do you think it is? Hmm?"
515
00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:21,117
"I don't know!"
516
00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:23,871
You fall asleep on your couch,
you wake up,
517
00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:28,277
there's some bloke on your TV going,
"What do you think it is?
518
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:30,709
"Hmm?"
519
00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:32,751
"Help me!"
520
00:32:35,680 --> 00:32:38,433
Have you noticed that houses
are more scary now?
521
00:32:38,480 --> 00:32:40,471
Years ago, your house never made
any noise.
522
00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:43,398
Now you're up all night
trying to determine what the noise was.
523
00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:46,193
What is it with manufacturers
they wanna scare the crap out of us?
524
00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:48,231
Three in the morning, you'll be asleep,
525
00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:50,840
and suddenly your fridge'll go,
"Brbrbrbrbrbr!"
526
00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:55,472
"Who's there?"
527
00:32:56,520 --> 00:33:00,911
Just in the middle of the night, some water
will randomly come out your shower head.
528
00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:02,359
"Fuck!
529
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:06,154
"We were nowhere near that."
530
00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:09,351
A burglar gets in,
you're pleased to see the fucker.
531
00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:11,470
"Thank God you're here!
532
00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:14,998
"We've been shitting ourselves all night!"
533
00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:22,198
And since when did people start protecting
themselves with sports equipment?
534
00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:25,152
You always hear people,
"I got a baseball bat under my bed.
535
00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:27,191
"Somebody breaks in - bosh."
536
00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:32,432
But there's only certain sports equipment
that will do.
537
00:33:32,480 --> 00:33:36,598
If someone got into your house, you couldn't
whip out that ribbon they use in gymnastics.
538
00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:41,515
"Hey, I'm not scared to use this, you know!"
539
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:52,152
Someone gets in your house, you suddenly
get some hurdles. "Get out of it!"
540
00:33:57,760 --> 00:34:00,752
You know, someone's in your garden,
you get out those gym rings.
541
00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:02,791
"Get out of my garden!"
542
00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:10,156
Your wife's on your doorstep. "Use the
dismount! Use the dismount on him!"
543
00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:17,111
- You know?
- (Cheering)
544
00:34:22,400 --> 00:34:24,391
(Giggles)
545
00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:27,879
People are using sports equipment
to protect themselves,
546
00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:30,388
but have you noticed in sport
they're using what criminals use?
547
00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:32,271
A gun to start the race.
548
00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:34,709
Mind you, you couldn't use a knife,
could you?
549
00:34:34,760 --> 00:34:36,273
"On your marks, get set..."
550
00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:41,911
"Well, go on, then!"
551
00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:47,874
Mind you, that'd get you running, wouldn't it?
"Fuck, he's got a knife!"
552
00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:55,034
Even the police have changed the way
they protect themselves.
553
00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:57,594
They've got that new Taser gun.
That's a good idea.
554
00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:00,757
An electric shock gun.
What genius came up with that?
555
00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:03,553
An electric shock gun that when threatened
by a complete lunatic
556
00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:07,115
is to fire the gun at them,
they're still attached to you.
557
00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:10,470
So now you're standing there attached
to a lunatic who you've fucked off
558
00:35:10,520 --> 00:35:12,954
cos you're giving him 3,OOO volts.
559
00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:15,514
He's right in front of you going like that...
560
00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:18,591
"When this stops...
561
00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:21,710
"I'm gonna kill you."
562
00:35:29,480 --> 00:35:32,995
I can't see that Taser gun
taking the place of real guns. Can you?
563
00:35:33,040 --> 00:35:35,838
In particular in films. It's not so romantic.
564
00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:39,839
You can't knock on someone's door
and go, "I'm afraid Johnny's dead."
565
00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:42,474
"(Gasps) Did he have any last words?"
566
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:47,039
"Yep."
567
00:35:50,400 --> 00:35:52,914
You look a twat.
568
00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:55,349
Can't have Tom Cruise
being shot by one of them.
569
00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:57,072
(Hums theme from Mission: Lmpossible)
570
00:35:57,120 --> 00:35:58,519
Boom!
571
00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:05,111
Everyone's worried about crime.
572
00:36:05,160 --> 00:36:08,516
It seems every day now you switch on
the TV, there's been a murder on the news
573
00:36:08,560 --> 00:36:10,994
and the police are digging up a garden
looking for bodies.
574
00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:14,555
I preferred the old Ground Force,
it was a much better programme.
575
00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:16,909
It's the same!
576
00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:20,430
That's what murderers are doing,
burying bodies before the wife gets home.
577
00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:23,233
Shows her through the house, you know,
shows her the garden.
578
00:36:23,280 --> 00:36:25,396
"Surprise!"
579
00:36:25,440 --> 00:36:29,228
"Oh! I wish my brother-in-law
was here to see this."
580
00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:33,034
"No, no, love, you won't be seeing him
for quite some time, I would've thought."
581
00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:37,637
Have you noticed, every time there's
a murder, the police put a tent up?
582
00:36:37,680 --> 00:36:39,955
Soon as there's a murder - tent.
583
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:42,753
What if there's a murder in a tent?
584
00:36:47,320 --> 00:36:49,834
What do they do then?
Put up another fucking tent?
585
00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:52,394
Suddenly you've got a little campsite going.
586
00:36:52,440 --> 00:36:56,274
There's a mass killing,
it turns into fucking Glastonbury.
587
00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:58,151
(Mimicking dance beat)
588
00:36:58,200 --> 00:37:00,236
"You been over the murder tent?"
589
00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:06,793
(Giggles)
590
00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:11,709
Everyone... You see, I've never got me head
around why police have sirens on their cars.
591
00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:13,751
That's like a burglar alarm but for burglars.
592
00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:16,030
"Whoo-whoo! We're coming!"
593
00:37:16,080 --> 00:37:19,038
"All right, well, I'd better be leaving, then,
ain't I?"
594
00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:23,990
You know, the police arrive...
595
00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:25,712
"Where the fuck is he?"
596
00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:29,271
"They always get away!"
597
00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:33,197
"That's probably cos you told him
you were fucking coming!"
598
00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:36,951
The police can't catch criminals any more
599
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:39,389
so they go on Crimewatch
and ask us to do it.
600
00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:43,352
They're so busy on the TV,
they haven't got time to catch criminals.
601
00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:46,472
"Have you seen this man?
He is highly dangerous.
602
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:49,080
"Good job we're in the studio, then, innit?"
603
00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:53,319
Never mind Crimewatch,
there's so little police on our streets,
604
00:37:53,360 --> 00:37:56,477
I reckon we need a programme
to look for coppers.
605
00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:57,919
"Have you seen this man?
606
00:37:57,960 --> 00:38:01,430
"He wears a big helmet,
answers to the name of Sarge."
607
00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:08,513
It's not the police's fault, they're caught up
in bureaucracy gone mad.
608
00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:10,949
They're back at the station
filling out paperwork
609
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:14,834
instead of being on the street
catching criminals, and you can't do both,
610
00:38:14,880 --> 00:38:18,759
you can't run down the street
after a criminal going, "Stop!"
611
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:21,394
"I shouted at him."
612
00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:28,237
Boom! "I helped him gently to the floor."
613
00:38:30,360 --> 00:38:33,955
Boom! "'Rest your head on that,' I said."
614
00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:40,750
The police are so caught up in bureaucracy,
they've got their horses doing it.
615
00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:43,234
You've seen the riot horses
with the glasses.
616
00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:46,590
That's not for the riot.
They're reading glasses.
617
00:38:46,640 --> 00:38:48,949
They're back at the station after,
catching up.
618
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:51,195
"Oh, busy, busy, busy."
619
00:38:51,240 --> 00:38:52,798
(Snorts)
620
00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:56,876
I love horses, I really do.
621
00:38:56,920 --> 00:39:00,196
I always think there's like a couple of horses
somewhere in a stables,
622
00:39:00,240 --> 00:39:01,832
standing together going like that...
623
00:39:01,880 --> 00:39:06,670
"Here, Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete.
Watch what I can do with me feet."
624
00:39:06,720 --> 00:39:08,392
Clop-clop-clop-clop-clop!
625
00:39:12,240 --> 00:39:14,390
"That is amazing!"
626
00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:16,829
"I know, I know. Watch, watch."
627
00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:18,279
Clop!
628
00:39:20,080 --> 00:39:22,753
(Applause and cheering)
629
00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:32,151
And it's not fair with police horses,
it's one law for them and another one for us.
630
00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:35,192
All dog owners know, if your dog craps
in the street, you've got to pick it up,
631
00:39:35,240 --> 00:39:36,639
otherwise you get a fine.
632
00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:40,514
But police horses just dump in the middle
of the street and just leave it!
633
00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:43,632
Not even a backward glance.
"Cor blimey, I felt that."
634
00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:48,671
"That burnt. That burnt."
635
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:57,958
How often do you see a copper
get off a horse with a big bin liner
636
00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:00,992
going like that, "Oh, fuckin' hell.
637
00:40:02,160 --> 00:40:04,355
"Fuckin' hate that when that happens."
638
00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:11,912
They're making us paranoid.
639
00:40:11,960 --> 00:40:15,396
Blokes, you know this, when you come out
the station late at night,
640
00:40:15,440 --> 00:40:19,115
you've caught yourself walking behind
a woman, you get suspicious of yourself.
641
00:40:19,160 --> 00:40:22,869
You're walking behind her, going,
"She's gonna think I'm an attacker!"
642
00:40:24,280 --> 00:40:28,717
You know, to look less suspicious,
you cross the street. "I'm not an attacker!
643
00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:31,433
"I'm not an attacker!
I'm crossing the street!"
644
00:40:31,480 --> 00:40:36,270
And you say, "How does an attacker walk?
I don't wanna walk like an attacker."
645
00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:38,834
"I'm not an attacker!"
646
00:40:39,920 --> 00:40:43,879
Then you say to yourself,
"Fuck, I'm on my own, I might get attacked."
647
00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:45,990
(Screams)
648
00:40:46,600 --> 00:40:50,912
She's running, screaming, you're
chasing her trying to explain. "No, no!"
649
00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:56,159
It worked out, I got two months.
It was all right.
650
00:40:58,320 --> 00:41:00,072
Everyone is going on about teenage crime,
651
00:41:00,120 --> 00:41:02,714
they're saying it's because of
what they're listening to
652
00:41:02,760 --> 00:41:04,352
and what they're watching on TV.
653
00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:08,075
It might be what they're listening to. I don't
know if you've ever tried to unwrap a CD.
654
00:41:08,120 --> 00:41:11,749
Who came up with the plastic wrapping?
You can't get in 'em!
655
00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:15,349
You can't. You'll be standing next to your
hi-fi trying to unwrap a chillout CD,
656
00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:18,437
going, "I can't fucking get in it!"
657
00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:21,677
You need a knife to open 'em.
That's what teenagers are doing.
658
00:41:21,720 --> 00:41:24,757
They listen to the music,
"This is making me wanna stab someone...
659
00:41:25,880 --> 00:41:27,871
"and I got a knife."
660
00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:33,590
It's the packaging companies I blame.
Painkillers, they're the worst.
661
00:41:33,640 --> 00:41:37,713
They put them in that foil stuff. Every time
you want one they pop out onto the floor.
662
00:41:37,760 --> 00:41:42,788
You're bending down, trying to pick it up,
going, "I'm taking this for fucking back pain!"
663
00:41:47,800 --> 00:41:51,236
Remember when you was a kid, your mum
and dad would follow the warnings,
664
00:41:51,280 --> 00:41:52,759
"Keep out of reach of children."
665
00:41:52,800 --> 00:41:55,473
Painkillers, razorblades,
they'd put in that top cupboard.
666
00:41:55,520 --> 00:41:58,830
"Keep away from that top cupboard.
Keep away from that top cupboard."
667
00:41:58,880 --> 00:42:02,350
Then all the stuff that would instantly
kill you, like drain cleaner and bleach,
668
00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:04,436
just under the sink.
669
00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:10,272
You know?
670
00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:12,390
(Cheering)
671
00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:16,194
Your kid's got a bar stool, optics.
"I like me Harpic straight."
672
00:42:16,240 --> 00:42:17,832
(Gulp)
673
00:42:18,560 --> 00:42:22,917
Why don't they give teenagers more credit?
Kids don't copy what they see on the TV.
674
00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:24,757
Loads of kids watch Strictly Come Dancing
675
00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:28,998
but you don't see 'em on street corners
threatening people with the fucking foxtrot.
676
00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:31,793
That would freak you out
if a bunch of hoodies walked up and went,
677
00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:34,752
"Oi, giz yer mobile,
otherwise we'll cha-cha you."
678
00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:41,030
You know? Like a woman runs up
to a copper.
679
00:42:41,080 --> 00:42:44,197
"You've got to help me!
I've just been jived!"
680
00:42:45,680 --> 00:42:49,719
"What happened?" "Well, he sort of
took me, swung me around like that.
681
00:42:50,960 --> 00:42:52,837
"It was awful!"
682
00:42:54,480 --> 00:42:56,789
"Quick, there's the police! Quickstep!"
683
00:43:00,480 --> 00:43:03,074
And we're the criminals now,
we're the criminals.
684
00:43:03,120 --> 00:43:07,159
How many times have you walked out
of a shop and the alarm goes off at the exit.
685
00:43:07,200 --> 00:43:11,273
And you do all that over-Oscar acting.
You go, "Oh!
686
00:43:11,320 --> 00:43:13,709
"Is it me?
687
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:15,751
"Is there something in my bag?"
688
00:43:16,520 --> 00:43:18,909
And us, we,
we go back in the shop and explain.
689
00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:21,030
If you're a real shoplifter you fuck off.
690
00:43:21,080 --> 00:43:23,469
When have you ever seen a shoplifter
go back in and go,
691
00:43:23,520 --> 00:43:28,071
"Yeah, it's all right,
it's cos I stole all them DVDs.
692
00:43:28,120 --> 00:43:31,237
"All right, see ya later, mate.
See ya. Bye."
693
00:43:34,680 --> 00:43:37,035
You ever had one of those alarms go off
when you go in a shop?
694
00:43:37,080 --> 00:43:40,356
What the fuck are they worried about?
What, we're gonna add stuff?
695
00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:46,631
And some places don't even
wanna let you in.
696
00:43:46,680 --> 00:43:49,877
Have you been to the local mini mart?
They've got those electric sliding doors.
697
00:43:49,920 --> 00:43:51,911
Fuck, they're so slow. You can't get in 'em.
698
00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:56,397
You're walking towards those doors,
they're going, "OK, we're opening."
699
00:43:57,000 --> 00:44:00,356
That's if you're going in. If you're walking
past, it's a different story.
700
00:44:00,400 --> 00:44:03,870
"You comin' in?"
"No, fuck off, I'm going down there."
701
00:44:03,920 --> 00:44:05,990
They're like big shopping flashers.
702
00:44:06,040 --> 00:44:09,077
Whoosh! "Do you wanna see me bananas?
Ooh-ooh!"
703
00:44:12,160 --> 00:44:15,152
I always think, you know that fruit section
in the supermarket,
704
00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:16,872
very highly charged in there.
705
00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:19,229
Have you seen the fruit pervs
feeling up the fruit?
706
00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:24,149
That's why I never buy loose fruit.
You see these people just going like that.
707
00:44:24,200 --> 00:44:26,031
"Oh.
708
00:44:26,080 --> 00:44:29,231
"Mmm.
709
00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:30,838
"Oh, yeah.
710
00:44:30,880 --> 00:44:33,553
"Ooh.
711
00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:34,999
"No."
712
00:44:35,760 --> 00:44:38,035
I hate them fuckers, cos they put it back.
713
00:44:38,080 --> 00:44:41,277
They go to walk away with something,
they go, "Nah."
714
00:44:41,320 --> 00:44:46,348
Then we buy it, take it home, and then get
a mouthful of knob-smeared banana.
715
00:44:46,400 --> 00:44:48,391
(Audience groaning)
716
00:44:50,360 --> 00:44:54,797
What? You know? "Do I want this apple?
Do I want this apple?
717
00:44:55,880 --> 00:44:57,279
"Nah."
718
00:44:59,280 --> 00:45:01,271
Get a big melon, sat on it.
719
00:45:01,320 --> 00:45:03,311
"Do I want a melon?
720
00:45:03,920 --> 00:45:05,911
"No. It's been up my arse."
721
00:45:11,200 --> 00:45:15,159
Or these people, they decide they don't want
something when they're in another section
722
00:45:15,200 --> 00:45:17,316
so they just sort of slyly slip it down.
723
00:45:18,480 --> 00:45:21,756
So you'd be walking around, you'll come
across fish paste in the bread section
724
00:45:21,800 --> 00:45:25,759
going, "No, no! I'm fish paste!
725
00:45:26,520 --> 00:45:29,318
"This is the bread section!
726
00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:31,271
"That bastard put me here!"
727
00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:39,313
And Tesco's, they're everywhere now,
they're like a fucking disease.
728
00:45:39,360 --> 00:45:41,794
Tesco's Express, that's the good one,
729
00:45:41,840 --> 00:45:45,116
they spent years researching
fast, quick and easy meals, for us to dash in
730
00:45:45,160 --> 00:45:48,470
only to be served by snail boy!
731
00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:59,390
(Cheering)
732
00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:06,359
Thanks!
733
00:46:08,280 --> 00:46:11,829
I like it when blokes go to the supermarket,
they always get a basket,
734
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:14,155
they say the same thing,
"Nah, not getting much."
735
00:46:14,200 --> 00:46:16,191
And then they just fill it with shit.
736
00:46:16,240 --> 00:46:18,674
They're mollified by food.
"Yeah, I'll have that, that..."
737
00:46:18,720 --> 00:46:21,712
The heavier the basket gets,
the further up the arm it gets.
738
00:46:21,760 --> 00:46:23,512
"It's quite fuckin' heavy, that is."
739
00:46:23,560 --> 00:46:26,074
Then it goes to the crook of the arm.
"Fuckin' hell."
740
00:46:26,120 --> 00:46:29,749
Then they have a go at getting it
on their frickin' shoulder, you know.
741
00:46:29,800 --> 00:46:32,837
You always see lines of blokes
at the checkout with the basket on the floor,
742
00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:35,348
and they're kicking it all the way
up the queue.
743
00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:38,676
It's like grocery dribbling,
the highlights from today's shopping.
744
00:46:38,720 --> 00:46:41,188
(Hums Match Of The Day theme)
745
00:46:43,440 --> 00:46:47,115
I love that queue. There's always the
impatient person on the end of a long line.
746
00:46:47,160 --> 00:46:50,914
Have you seen them?
Just twitching their leg like that. "Come on!
747
00:46:51,560 --> 00:46:52,959
"Come on!"
748
00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:56,629
What happens when they get really
impatient? Do they do an Elvis tribute?
749
00:46:56,680 --> 00:46:58,796
"Come on, man, I wanna do my shoppin'."
750
00:47:00,880 --> 00:47:02,871
? Runnin' outta time?
751
00:47:04,080 --> 00:47:06,150
And you only do that
when you're standing still.
752
00:47:06,200 --> 00:47:07,997
You only twitch your leg
when you're standing.
753
00:47:08,040 --> 00:47:11,589
You never do that when you're walking.
Why? You get impatient when you walk.
754
00:47:11,640 --> 00:47:15,315
Walking towards the station,
"I hope my fuckin' train's on time.
755
00:47:16,240 --> 00:47:18,231
"Fuckin' late yesterday."
756
00:47:19,360 --> 00:47:21,920
And it's always your bottom half,
never your top half.
757
00:47:21,960 --> 00:47:23,632
Never see a woman standing on a doorstep
758
00:47:23,680 --> 00:47:27,116
waiting for a plumber going,
"Where's that fucking plumber?"
759
00:47:33,320 --> 00:47:37,029
And there's always that woman
in the queue, about this big, grey hair,
760
00:47:37,080 --> 00:47:40,152
and you just so much as nudge her leg
with your trolley
761
00:47:40,200 --> 00:47:43,192
and it's like she's been on a course of
Shakespearean pain acting.
762
00:47:43,240 --> 00:47:46,357
You just nudged the back of her leg
and she'd go, "Oooh!"
763
00:47:50,120 --> 00:47:54,477
"Fuck off! I hardly touched you!"
764
00:47:56,880 --> 00:48:00,998
Fuck, I'd hate to see her in real pain,
she cuts her finger - body bag.
765
00:48:05,080 --> 00:48:08,516
And what is it with women in pushchairs
in the supermarket?
766
00:48:08,560 --> 00:48:10,949
Fuck, why is it that women...
767
00:48:11,000 --> 00:48:14,959
they wanna hang two weeks' worth of
shopping on the back of a pushchair?
768
00:48:15,000 --> 00:48:17,992
You'd be in the supermarket,
having a chat with somebody,
769
00:48:18,040 --> 00:48:20,634
and from behind you you'll hear, boom!
770
00:48:20,680 --> 00:48:23,831
You turn round,
there's a kid in a pushchair...
771
00:48:33,960 --> 00:48:35,598
"What 'appened?
772
00:48:36,240 --> 00:48:39,471
"I've just learnt how to walk,
and now all this."
773
00:48:40,320 --> 00:48:42,675
There's always a pause
before he goes like that...
774
00:48:42,720 --> 00:48:45,188
"Aaaaaah!"
775
00:48:48,000 --> 00:48:52,232
Why is it that women don't know the fucking
tipping weight of a pushchair?
776
00:48:52,280 --> 00:48:54,794
Cos the other one,
the kids steps out and it goes over,
777
00:48:54,840 --> 00:48:56,353
she blames the kid.
778
00:48:56,400 --> 00:48:58,118
It's like, boom!
779
00:48:58,160 --> 00:49:00,276
"Justin!
780
00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:05,068
"You twat!
781
00:49:06,720 --> 00:49:09,314
"You're my counterweight!"
782
00:49:11,360 --> 00:49:13,351
The kid don't know, he's like...
783
00:49:14,600 --> 00:49:17,990
He looks like that woman
on the information desk at easyJet.
784
00:49:20,280 --> 00:49:22,510
Haven't learnt how to respond
to language yet.
785
00:49:22,560 --> 00:49:26,030
You ask when the next flight is,
this is what they hear - "Hmm, hmm, hmm!"
786
00:49:29,920 --> 00:49:32,195
Kids, women and pushchairs,
it's not working.
787
00:49:32,240 --> 00:49:35,789
There's the other one where the kid fucks off
and nicks the pushchair.
788
00:49:35,840 --> 00:49:39,196
When his mum's not looking.
It turns into Police, Camera, Action!
789
00:49:39,240 --> 00:49:41,470
They always go off
into the nearest wall or person.
790
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:45,308
See the kid just wander off
with the pushchair like that?
791
00:49:48,560 --> 00:49:49,629
Boom!
792
00:49:55,920 --> 00:50:00,038
See... (Laughs)
See, I feel sorry for women and pushchairs.
793
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:04,631
People don't realise how difficult it is getting
that around the town centre on a Saturday.
794
00:50:04,680 --> 00:50:08,355
You go up the town centre with a pushchair,
people look at you as if you're pushing
795
00:50:08,400 --> 00:50:10,675
a chariot with blades coming out the wheels.
796
00:50:10,720 --> 00:50:15,032
People look at you, "Oh, fancy bringing
a fucking pushchair.
797
00:50:16,560 --> 00:50:18,596
"In the high street!
798
00:50:18,640 --> 00:50:20,631
"It's madness!"
799
00:50:27,040 --> 00:50:32,194
I feel sorry for women that have twins.
That's a whole aisle's worth in Tesco's.
800
00:50:32,240 --> 00:50:35,630
You go up Tesco's on a Saturday, you can't
get round there cos of all the pushchairs.
801
00:50:35,680 --> 00:50:38,592
Your whole shopping experience
becomes a game of Pacman.
802
00:50:38,640 --> 00:50:42,349
You're going up each aisle going like that...
(Mimics Pacman sound effects)
803
00:50:46,760 --> 00:50:50,309
And they have... And they have
24-hour-a-day shopping now.
804
00:50:50,360 --> 00:50:53,750
Have you been in the supermarket
late at night? It's eerie.
805
00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:56,837
There's not many people about,
just a few nutters roaming the aisles.
806
00:50:56,880 --> 00:50:59,838
You turn around because you saw
someone dart across the aisle.
807
00:51:03,840 --> 00:51:05,478
Hello?
808
00:51:07,600 --> 00:51:09,192
Hello?
809
00:51:09,240 --> 00:51:12,869
Cos people say to you, "Oh, it's much
better in the supermarket at night,
810
00:51:12,920 --> 00:51:16,629
"there's plenty of room."
There's a fucking reason for that.
811
00:51:16,680 --> 00:51:19,592
Because the people in there
you would naturally give a wide berth to
812
00:51:19,640 --> 00:51:21,471
even in the day.
813
00:51:21,520 --> 00:51:23,192
Who shops at two in the morning?
814
00:51:23,240 --> 00:51:26,391
People who don't want to be seen
in the day. Maniacs, that's who.
815
00:51:26,440 --> 00:51:28,829
People that walk up to you
and go, "Excuse me.
816
00:51:31,480 --> 00:51:33,630
"Do you sell rope?
817
00:51:37,320 --> 00:51:40,073
"Do you sell bags the size of your head?"
818
00:51:43,360 --> 00:51:46,750
You just know there's someone in the boot
of his car going... (Muffled moans)
819
00:51:49,720 --> 00:51:52,109
Everyone on the night shift looks nuts.
820
00:51:52,160 --> 00:51:56,517
Have you seen the shelf stacker,
dragging that cage up each aisle?
821
00:51:56,560 --> 00:51:58,676
You know, just stacking the shelves?
822
00:51:58,720 --> 00:52:01,109
What's his name? Quas.
823
00:52:01,160 --> 00:52:03,310
You see him dragging
that big cage full of food,
824
00:52:03,360 --> 00:52:06,397
going up the aisle going,
"Stacking the shelves!"
825
00:52:08,600 --> 00:52:11,319
"Stacking the shelves!
826
00:52:12,160 --> 00:52:16,517
"Every day I'm stacking the shelves!"
827
00:52:18,880 --> 00:52:21,599
He should be in the fucking cage.
828
00:52:25,760 --> 00:52:27,637
Why do you have to cage up food?
829
00:52:27,680 --> 00:52:30,877
Maximum security
cheese and onion crisps.
830
00:52:30,920 --> 00:52:32,990
Watch out for them Pampers! (Snarling)
831
00:52:36,240 --> 00:52:39,232
Everybody looks dead on the night shift.
Seen the woman on the till?
832
00:52:39,280 --> 00:52:44,593
She looks dead. The misery, fuck,
it's like she works for the Samaritans.
833
00:52:44,640 --> 00:52:47,154
Putting your food through going like...
Bleep!
834
00:52:49,440 --> 00:52:51,590
Bleep!
835
00:52:52,920 --> 00:52:56,913
Bleep! That's not the machine
making that noise, that's her.
836
00:52:58,160 --> 00:53:00,151
Bleep!
837
00:53:00,200 --> 00:53:02,430
Ow-ooh!
838
00:53:05,920 --> 00:53:07,911
You know, I love them women on the tills.
839
00:53:07,960 --> 00:53:11,475
They're always commenting
when they put your food through.
840
00:53:11,520 --> 00:53:13,750
"Oh, cottage pie.
It's quite creamy, that one.
841
00:53:15,840 --> 00:53:18,149
"Oh, lemon meringue,
that's quite lemony."
842
00:53:19,680 --> 00:53:24,276
Yeah, it's lemon meringue, it wouldn't be
fucking banana-ny, would it?
843
00:53:24,400 --> 00:53:28,029
And all supermarkets on the
"we are saving the planet" bandwagon,
844
00:53:28,080 --> 00:53:30,640
so you'll be standing there
with a mile and a half of food
845
00:53:30,680 --> 00:53:36,232
and the cashier, Christelle, will go,
"Would you like a bag with that?"
846
00:53:36,960 --> 00:53:39,520
Oh, let me see.
847
00:53:41,880 --> 00:53:45,395
Enough food for four people for two weeks,
136 items, 3OO pound in weight?
848
00:53:45,440 --> 00:53:49,035
No, I'll juggle this lot to me fucking car.
849
00:53:53,120 --> 00:53:55,156
Do I want a bag?
850
00:53:58,960 --> 00:54:04,034
Trying to be eco-friendly. You go down
the cheese counter or the meat counter,
851
00:54:04,080 --> 00:54:07,390
and there's a big picture of a farmhouse
and it says, "Proper farmhouse food."
852
00:54:07,440 --> 00:54:11,115
Yeah, that's what was here before
you bulldozed it to build this fucker.
853
00:54:11,160 --> 00:54:13,037
And the bags they give you are shit.
854
00:54:13,080 --> 00:54:15,674
They reckon a polythene bag
takes 5OO years to disintegrate.
855
00:54:15,720 --> 00:54:18,553
No, it don't, it bursts
just outside the door on the way out.
856
00:54:19,360 --> 00:54:21,112
It's like a race home with your shopping.
857
00:54:21,160 --> 00:54:23,435
"Out me way, they're gonna go!"
858
00:54:25,800 --> 00:54:29,475
That's why they've got that ramp outside.
That's not wheelchair access.
859
00:54:29,520 --> 00:54:33,274
No, they've actually calculated that's how
far you get before your bag bursts
860
00:54:33,320 --> 00:54:35,834
and that drains
all your milk and juice away.
861
00:54:35,880 --> 00:54:38,155
That's a fucking sluice ramp, that.
862
00:54:40,160 --> 00:54:41,559
(Chuckles)
863
00:54:43,200 --> 00:54:45,714
And I'll tell you what you've got to do,
self check-out.
864
00:54:45,760 --> 00:54:47,990
Now that is fantastic.
I tried it the other day.
865
00:54:48,040 --> 00:54:51,510
You're looking at everyone on the other
check-outs going, "Suckers.
866
00:54:51,560 --> 00:54:55,473
"I'm gonna be sat at home sipping
a pina colada while you're still lining up."
867
00:54:55,520 --> 00:54:57,476
And it's brilliant, it talks you through it.
868
00:54:57,520 --> 00:55:00,830
You'll be standing there holding
a bag of sprouts and it goes,
869
00:55:00,880 --> 00:55:03,633
"Please put your first item
on the scanner."
870
00:55:08,320 --> 00:55:10,959
"Please put your first item
on the scanner."
871
00:55:15,600 --> 00:55:18,068
"Please put your first item
on the..."
872
00:55:18,120 --> 00:55:20,918
Boom, boom, boom, boom.
873
00:55:20,960 --> 00:55:23,394
"Sprouts."
874
00:55:23,440 --> 00:55:25,192
It's shit.
875
00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:28,676
(Applause and cheering)
876
00:55:28,720 --> 00:55:30,870
What is going on?
877
00:55:32,880 --> 00:55:35,713
What is it now? We've got machines
that can't talk properly.
878
00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:39,639
You pay your phone bill over the phone,
you have to sound like the machine.
879
00:55:39,680 --> 00:55:44,037
You ring them up and it goes,
"To pay your bill, please say 'pay bill'."
880
00:55:45,320 --> 00:55:47,151
Pay bill.
881
00:55:48,320 --> 00:55:49,594
"Please say 'pay bill'."
882
00:55:49,640 --> 00:55:53,030
(ln high voice, then low voice)
Pay bill. Pay bill. Pay bill.
883
00:55:53,080 --> 00:55:56,117
Pay bill, pay bill.
884
00:55:57,560 --> 00:56:00,233
What's going on?
885
00:56:02,920 --> 00:56:06,913
Why do you have to sound like
a machine to get anything done?
886
00:56:06,960 --> 00:56:10,475
You don't have to sound like the woman
at the post office to get some stamps.
887
00:56:10,520 --> 00:56:14,195
You don't go, "How can I help you, love?"
"Three first class stamps, please."
888
00:56:14,240 --> 00:56:15,593
"Sorry, what?" "Sorry."
889
00:56:15,640 --> 00:56:17,790
(Shrieks) "Three first class stamps,
please."
890
00:56:17,840 --> 00:56:22,868
"Why didn't you say?" "I don't know just
one of those fucking days, I suppose."
891
00:56:26,800 --> 00:56:30,554
And why haven't they got the numbers
thing sorted out with those machines?
892
00:56:30,600 --> 00:56:32,158
You give them your account number,
893
00:56:32,200 --> 00:56:35,636
it goes, "Did you say
three seven two one five?"
894
00:56:35,680 --> 00:56:41,550
Seven seven seven seven nine
two one oh oh oh oh oh oh..."
895
00:56:41,600 --> 00:56:43,318
Fuck, I'm back on the chat-line, here.
896
00:56:43,360 --> 00:56:45,590
"Oh oh oh oh oh."
897
00:56:45,640 --> 00:56:47,949
"Yeah, keep going, love,
that's lovely, yeah."
898
00:56:49,640 --> 00:56:52,712
- (Applause)
- Sorry.
899
00:56:55,720 --> 00:56:58,109
When did they record that nine?
Did she sit on something?
900
00:56:58,160 --> 00:57:00,276
"Niiine."
901
00:57:01,040 --> 00:57:02,758
She certainly got up on the five.
902
00:57:02,800 --> 00:57:04,631
"Fi-ve!"
903
00:57:08,800 --> 00:57:11,439
Even if you get through to
a normal human being, it's no better
904
00:57:11,480 --> 00:57:15,632
cos they've got call centres and the idiot
at the other end has got a script
905
00:57:15,680 --> 00:57:17,398
and he can't come off the script.
906
00:57:17,440 --> 00:57:20,113
You go, "I'd like to open an account
on the internet,"
907
00:57:20,160 --> 00:57:22,390
they go, "Can I have
your account number, please?"
908
00:57:22,440 --> 00:57:24,271
"I haven't got one yet."
909
00:57:24,320 --> 00:57:26,595
"Oh, yeah, gotcha, gotcha,
gotcha, gotcha.
910
00:57:26,640 --> 00:57:29,029
"Can I have your account number,
please?"
911
00:57:32,720 --> 00:57:34,039
And they have a script to go by
912
00:57:34,080 --> 00:57:37,629
but they wouldn't like it if we had a script
and we stuck to our script.
913
00:57:37,680 --> 00:57:41,116
BT would call you up, "Can I speak
to the account holder, please?"
914
00:57:41,160 --> 00:57:44,118
And we go, "I am Spartacus."
915
00:57:46,680 --> 00:57:51,390
"No, no, the account holder, please."
"No, I am Spartacus."
916
00:57:54,760 --> 00:57:58,753
My wife'll be on the phone to one
of those machines paying a bill
917
00:57:58,800 --> 00:58:01,473
and my wife has a posh telephone voice.
918
00:58:01,520 --> 00:58:03,715
"Yes, a bought a lot..."
919
00:58:03,760 --> 00:58:06,957
If I interrupt her, I go, "Love, love,"
she goes, "Fuck off, twat.
920
00:58:08,200 --> 00:58:10,998
"Trying to pay
the fucking electricity bill."
921
00:58:11,040 --> 00:58:14,112
The machine gets Joanna Lumley,
I get fucking Dot Cotton.
922
00:58:18,960 --> 00:58:21,997
And electricity costs a fortune.
They're making us pay fortunes now.
923
00:58:22,040 --> 00:58:26,113
They're saying we should save
the planet, save electricity, all this shit.
924
00:58:26,160 --> 00:58:29,038
The Chinese are billowing shit
from coal-fired power stations,
925
00:58:29,080 --> 00:58:31,594
the Americans driving about
in 4x4 Humvees,
926
00:58:31,640 --> 00:58:33,631
Las Vegas is lit up
like a giant Christmas tree
927
00:58:33,680 --> 00:58:37,116
but if I switch off
the standby button on my TV...
928
00:58:39,000 --> 00:58:42,595
- (Applause and whistling)
- What the fuck's going on?
929
00:58:47,600 --> 00:58:51,593
Suddenly, suddenly, it's our fault,
we've got to do something about it.
930
00:58:51,640 --> 00:58:55,349
I'm loving this. You've got all these
leaders jumping on jumbo jets,
931
00:58:55,400 --> 00:58:58,995
getting driven to meetings
to determine what's fucking up the planet.
932
00:58:59,040 --> 00:59:02,555
I get a letter from the council
the other day, turns out it's me.
933
00:59:06,960 --> 00:59:09,793
I didn't know. Me and my missus
were trying our best.
934
00:59:09,840 --> 00:59:13,150
We fitted our house
with those energy-saving light bulbs.
935
00:59:13,200 --> 00:59:15,191
They're really good,
they save a lot of energy.
936
00:59:15,240 --> 00:59:17,231
Do you know why?
Cos they don't fucking work.
937
00:59:20,800 --> 00:59:23,189
They only last two minutes.
They're not saving my energy.
938
00:59:23,240 --> 00:59:25,470
I'm up a ladder changing the fuckers
every three minutes.
939
00:59:25,520 --> 00:59:28,637
If you harnessed all the energy
it takes to change them light bulbs,
940
00:59:28,680 --> 00:59:31,513
you could probably run
a normal fucking light bulb.
941
00:59:34,280 --> 00:59:37,397
And you might have them in your house.
Don't they take ages to come on?
942
00:59:37,440 --> 00:59:40,591
You switch them on, it's like
you've got to wake the fuckers up.
943
00:59:40,640 --> 00:59:43,359
You switch them on, it's like,
"Hello? Hello? Hello?
944
00:59:43,400 --> 00:59:45,356
"What's happening? What's going on?"
945
00:59:45,400 --> 00:59:48,278
I've left the room, I've already done
what I had to do.
946
00:59:48,320 --> 00:59:50,834
"Was there someone in here just now?"
947
00:59:56,320 --> 00:59:59,198
It's not our fault, folks.
Everything has to change.
948
00:59:59,240 --> 01:00:01,708
Everything they sell in the shops
works off electricity.
949
01:00:01,760 --> 01:00:06,788
Every smelly air-freshener thing they
advertise, you've got to plug it in.
950
01:00:06,840 --> 01:00:10,355
You don't have to plug dog shit
in the wall, that does all right.
951
01:00:14,040 --> 01:00:16,600
Everything is simulated, nothing's real.
952
01:00:16,640 --> 01:00:19,438
You don't even have to have
a relationship with anybody any more.
953
01:00:19,480 --> 01:00:21,675
Do you know why?
Because there's no time.
954
01:00:21,720 --> 01:00:24,359
That's why I don't get that speed dating.
You know speed dating?
955
01:00:24,400 --> 01:00:28,109
We're all so busy now no-one
even has time to go out on a date?
956
01:00:28,160 --> 01:00:31,914
That's ridiculous. And how can you get
to know anything about the person
957
01:00:31,960 --> 01:00:34,190
when you've only just met them?
That's mad.
958
01:00:34,240 --> 01:00:37,471
So you've got two minutes to decide
whether you like that person or not.
959
01:00:37,520 --> 01:00:39,511
That must be like this.
960
01:00:39,560 --> 01:00:40,834
(Clock ticking)
961
01:00:40,880 --> 01:00:45,237
(Starter) On your marks, get set, go!
962
01:00:45,280 --> 01:00:47,236
- Hi, my name...
- (Buzzer)
963
01:00:47,280 --> 01:00:49,874
(Woman) Move along, please.
964
01:00:49,920 --> 01:00:52,309
- Hi, my name is...
- (Buzzer)
965
01:00:52,360 --> 01:00:55,318
- Move on!
- OK.
966
01:00:56,320 --> 01:00:59,278
Hi, my name's Lee.
Don't tell me yours, there's no time.
967
01:01:01,480 --> 01:01:03,516
(Radio tuning)
968
01:01:03,560 --> 01:01:05,949
- (? Techno)
- So, do you come here often?
969
01:01:06,000 --> 01:01:07,672
Drink? No time.
970
01:01:07,720 --> 01:01:11,269
(Music stops)
971
01:01:11,320 --> 01:01:14,756
(Door opening)
972
01:01:15,280 --> 01:01:17,555
Ooh, sorry I'm late.
Have you ordered yet?
973
01:01:17,600 --> 01:01:20,876
- Table for two?
- No, just give us the bill.
974
01:01:23,240 --> 01:01:27,313
- Taxi!
- (Car pulls up)
975
01:01:29,160 --> 01:01:31,628
- Move it!
- (Accelerating away)
976
01:01:33,680 --> 01:01:35,079
(Woman chuckling)
977
01:01:35,120 --> 01:01:36,109
- (Slap)
- Ow!
978
01:01:36,160 --> 01:01:39,038
- (Woman) No! Not yet.
- What the?
979
01:01:40,840 --> 01:01:42,432
(Tyres screeching)
980
01:01:43,720 --> 01:01:45,551
Quick!
981
01:01:45,600 --> 01:01:47,033
(Clock ticking)
982
01:01:47,080 --> 01:01:50,197
Fancy coming in for a quick coffee?
After you.
983
01:01:50,760 --> 01:01:52,432
(Clanging)
984
01:01:52,480 --> 01:01:54,311
(Woman) Sorry.
985
01:01:54,360 --> 01:01:57,716
(Moaning)
986
01:02:02,120 --> 01:02:03,917
(Pneumatic drill)
987
01:02:03,960 --> 01:02:07,669
(? Latin beat)
988
01:02:07,720 --> 01:02:09,836
- (Slap)
- (Woman) No, not yet!
989
01:02:09,880 --> 01:02:11,916
(Church bells peal)
990
01:02:11,960 --> 01:02:13,951
(? Here Comes The Bride)
991
01:02:14,000 --> 01:02:17,879
- (Man) Do you take this man?
- (Woman) Oh, yes.
992
01:02:17,920 --> 01:02:21,310
- (Man) Do you take this woman?
- Huh?
993
01:02:23,560 --> 01:02:25,835
- (Car approaching)
- Taxi!
994
01:02:29,480 --> 01:02:31,311
Move it!
995
01:02:36,160 --> 01:02:38,594
Quick!
996
01:02:38,640 --> 01:02:40,232
After you.
997
01:02:40,280 --> 01:02:42,510
- (Woman) Well?
- Huh? Oh!
998
01:02:42,560 --> 01:02:44,437
(Straining)
999
01:02:46,400 --> 01:02:48,436
(Door closing, alarm sounding)
1000
01:02:49,920 --> 01:02:51,592
(Pneumatic drill)
1001
01:02:51,640 --> 01:02:55,269
(? Latin beat)
1002
01:02:55,320 --> 01:02:59,791
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, just you and me together.
1003
01:03:00,600 --> 01:03:02,477
- Push!
- (Straining)
1004
01:03:02,520 --> 01:03:05,796
- (Popping)
- (Baby crying)
1005
01:03:05,840 --> 01:03:10,072
(Woman) We've been together
for two minutes now
1006
01:03:10,120 --> 01:03:12,918
and it just isn't the same any more.
1007
01:03:12,960 --> 01:03:14,439
Goodbye.
1008
01:03:14,480 --> 01:03:16,198
(Door slams)
1009
01:03:16,240 --> 01:03:19,949
(? Mournful wha-wha guitar)
1010
01:03:21,920 --> 01:03:23,558
(Applause and cheering)
1011
01:03:30,800 --> 01:03:34,554
Ladies and gentlemen,
they said to me before the show started,
1012
01:03:34,600 --> 01:03:36,636
"Do you mind if we take a break
in the middle
1013
01:03:36,680 --> 01:03:39,319
"so that the people of London
and the surrounding areas
1014
01:03:39,360 --> 01:03:41,669
"can go out and jack up?"
1015
01:03:43,200 --> 01:03:46,715
But before we go into the break,
can I just thank you
1016
01:03:46,760 --> 01:03:50,753
for giving me this amazing chance
to play this amazing building.
1017
01:03:50,800 --> 01:03:52,916
- (Cheering)
- Erm...
1018
01:03:52,960 --> 01:03:54,518
Absolutely amazing.
1019
01:03:55,520 --> 01:03:59,115
Thank you very much indeed for coming
down, folks, I love you very much.
1020
01:03:59,160 --> 01:04:01,355
I'll see you in five minutes.
Thank you, everyone.
1021
01:04:01,400 --> 01:04:02,958
(Cheering and applause)
1022
01:04:35,840 --> 01:04:42,029
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
back onto the stage, Mr Lee Evans.
1023
01:04:42,080 --> 01:04:44,230
(Cheering, whistling)
1024
01:04:52,320 --> 01:04:54,311
(Cheering, whistling)
1025
01:05:01,840 --> 01:05:05,594
Thank you very much for coming back.
Thank you very, very much indeed.
1026
01:05:05,640 --> 01:05:09,155
- Did you, erm...
- (Cheering)
1027
01:05:12,800 --> 01:05:14,597
They look just like johnnies hanging up.
1028
01:05:14,640 --> 01:05:16,551
Someone's blown
some fucking johnnies up.
1029
01:05:16,600 --> 01:05:19,956
(Laughs) I've just noticed them.
What the fuck is that?
1030
01:05:20,880 --> 01:05:23,474
Looks like two fucking lines of piles.
1031
01:05:24,680 --> 01:05:28,070
I'm not always like this, I have to explain.
A lot of people say that to my wife.
1032
01:05:28,120 --> 01:05:30,714
"Is he fucking like this at home?"
Why do they say that?
1033
01:05:30,760 --> 01:05:34,355
You'd never say that to anybody else like
a brain surgeon. "Is he like this at home?"
1034
01:05:34,400 --> 01:05:38,757
"Yeah, he's always got the top of me head
off while I'm trying to watch Countdown."
1035
01:05:38,800 --> 01:05:43,032
I'm fucking sweating. Look at that.
Do you know what I need? Guttering.
1036
01:05:43,080 --> 01:05:46,117
I don't do any keep fit.
I love these people that do keep fit.
1037
01:05:46,160 --> 01:05:48,754
You know, they drive to a gym,
they jog on a running machine,
1038
01:05:48,800 --> 01:05:50,836
then they drive home and they pay for this.
1039
01:05:50,880 --> 01:05:53,394
Why don't they run up to the gym,
jog up to reception and go,
1040
01:05:53,440 --> 01:05:56,796
"Can I have my money back, please,
because I've done it."
1041
01:05:59,000 --> 01:06:01,434
I'm getting old, it's starting to kick in.
1042
01:06:01,480 --> 01:06:04,916
When I read the paper now, I'm getting
further away from me eyes when I read.
1043
01:06:04,960 --> 01:06:08,236
I read now like I'm playing
the frigging trombone. I'm like that.
1044
01:06:09,240 --> 01:06:13,518
It's funny when it's a bill, though, innit?
You go, "Fuck it! How much?"
1045
01:06:14,360 --> 01:06:15,998
Things are starting to move around.
1046
01:06:16,040 --> 01:06:18,873
When I bend down to pick something up
now, I can see me cheeks.
1047
01:06:18,920 --> 01:06:20,558
I can see me fucking cheeks!
1048
01:06:22,480 --> 01:06:25,552
And the older I get, more and more of me
is falling forward.
1049
01:06:25,600 --> 01:06:28,876
I'm gonna get to an age where I can see me
in front of me picking something up.
1050
01:06:28,920 --> 01:06:31,229
"Oh, hello, how are you doing?"
1051
01:06:31,280 --> 01:06:35,159
That's what my wife says, "I don't want to
get old, everything starts flapping about.
1052
01:06:35,200 --> 01:06:38,636
"I don't want to wake up in the morning
and me boobs are there by me sides,
1053
01:06:38,680 --> 01:06:41,274
"laying there looking like a fucking ball boy."
1054
01:06:44,880 --> 01:06:47,235
And women,
as soon as they get to a certain age,
1055
01:06:47,280 --> 01:06:49,350
suddenly all blokes have got departments.
1056
01:06:49,400 --> 01:06:52,073
They say stuff to other women about them,
1057
01:06:52,120 --> 01:06:54,634
"He's all right in that department,
thank you very much."
1058
01:06:54,680 --> 01:06:58,229
So they change all blokes into
a branch of fucking Debenhams, you know?
1059
01:06:59,040 --> 01:07:01,076
They have chats amongst themselves,
women,
1060
01:07:01,120 --> 01:07:05,159
"I said to him, I said to him, 'I'm not going
near that department, thank you very much."'
1061
01:07:05,200 --> 01:07:07,873
They never speak like that to blokes.
That would freak you out.
1062
01:07:07,920 --> 01:07:10,229
If you ask a girl,
"Do you want to go out for the night?"
1063
01:07:10,280 --> 01:07:12,396
"Yeah. There's your reception, waiting area,
1064
01:07:12,440 --> 01:07:15,796
"but you have to make an appointment
to see the managing director. And..."
1065
01:07:15,840 --> 01:07:17,956
(Applause)
1066
01:07:22,080 --> 01:07:25,390
"And no one gets to see the chairman."
1067
01:07:28,680 --> 01:07:31,274
And what is it with women,
as soon as they reach a certain age,
1068
01:07:31,320 --> 01:07:33,470
their temperature's
all over the fucking place.
1069
01:07:33,520 --> 01:07:37,479
Women in general, anyway, you get in bed
with a woman, fuck, they're hot in bed.
1070
01:07:37,520 --> 01:07:39,750
Jeez, the heat. Fuck. It's like...
1071
01:07:39,800 --> 01:07:42,030
It's like getting in bed
with a bubbling cauldron.
1072
01:07:43,000 --> 01:07:46,515
Even the hot water bottle's going, "Fucking
open the window, I'm boiling in here."
1073
01:07:49,120 --> 01:07:52,510
Then in the day your wife
walks around the house going, "Innit cold?
1074
01:07:52,560 --> 01:07:55,472
"Innit? Feel my hands.
Feel my fucking hands."
1075
01:07:55,520 --> 01:07:57,033
"It's all right, love, I trust you.
1076
01:07:57,080 --> 01:08:01,198
"I'm not gonna open the freezer and feel up
the peas and see if they're lying."
1077
01:08:03,000 --> 01:08:06,595
And then she'll go, "Innit hot?"
Innit? Oh, fucking...
1078
01:08:06,640 --> 01:08:08,631
"I'm sweating, I'm sweating here."
1079
01:08:08,680 --> 01:08:12,389
Hot, cold, moisture.
It's like living with a Russell Hobbs kettle.
1080
01:08:13,640 --> 01:08:16,029
Your wife goes, "It was cold,
so I put the heating on."
1081
01:08:16,080 --> 01:08:17,718
Then she'll go, "Innit hot?"
1082
01:08:17,760 --> 01:08:22,072
She goes round opening all the windows.
"Let some air in, let some fucking air in."
1083
01:08:22,120 --> 01:08:24,395
Then she'll go, "Innit cold?"
1084
01:08:24,440 --> 01:08:27,238
I'm sat on the couch in an overcoat
and some swimming trunks,
1085
01:08:27,280 --> 01:08:28,759
I don't know what's coming next.
1086
01:08:32,040 --> 01:08:33,553
It's mad.
1087
01:08:35,080 --> 01:08:37,071
Creeps up on you.
1088
01:08:37,120 --> 01:08:38,712
Creeps up on you, age.
1089
01:08:38,760 --> 01:08:41,035
We was going to bed the other night,
1090
01:08:41,080 --> 01:08:46,393
getting in bed my wife was wearing
a full-length fucking cotton nightgown.
1091
01:08:46,440 --> 01:08:50,911
I thought visiting time was over and I'd gotta
fuck off, you know what I'm saying?
1092
01:08:53,360 --> 01:08:57,273
You know when you're a young bloke and
you brag how much sex you got that night...
1093
01:08:57,320 --> 01:09:00,073
Well, I never got any,
but if I did, I'd fucking brag about it.
1094
01:09:00,120 --> 01:09:03,510
"Oh, yeah, she loved it.
Well, they both did, you know."
1095
01:09:05,360 --> 01:09:08,750
Do you know what I brag about now?
How much sleep I got last night.
1096
01:09:08,800 --> 01:09:10,438
"I got eight hours last night."
1097
01:09:10,480 --> 01:09:11,469
"No?"
1098
01:09:11,520 --> 01:09:12,555
"Yeah.
1099
01:09:15,040 --> 01:09:17,031
"I snored and everything."
1100
01:09:18,600 --> 01:09:22,070
"Blimey, what are you taking?"
"Oh, Horlicks."
1101
01:09:25,440 --> 01:09:29,149
I used to be fit, I used to be really fit.
I used to box. Not out of choice.
1102
01:09:29,200 --> 01:09:32,749
I got bullied a lot in school, I got perpetually
punched in the head by other kids.
1103
01:09:32,800 --> 01:09:34,597
So to toughen me up,
my dad sent me to boxing
1104
01:09:34,640 --> 01:09:38,076
where I got perpetually punched in the head
by the fucking kids.
1105
01:09:38,120 --> 01:09:41,874
I don't get boxing. You say to a boxer, "You
really took some blows to the head there."
1106
01:09:41,920 --> 01:09:45,071
He'll go, "Yeah."
"That doesn't bother you?"
1107
01:09:45,120 --> 01:09:47,315
"No. Comes with the job."
1108
01:09:47,360 --> 01:09:51,114
See, now, I don't want a job where you take
brain-damaging blows to your head to do it.
1109
01:09:51,160 --> 01:09:54,914
These blokes say stuff like,
"Just another day at the office."
1110
01:09:54,960 --> 01:09:58,635
"What kind of office is that?
Cos I'd ring in sick."
1111
01:10:02,440 --> 01:10:05,113
Have you noticed every time
two blokes meet in the street,
1112
01:10:05,160 --> 01:10:06,957
they always do the boxing thing?
1113
01:10:07,000 --> 01:10:10,959
You see two blokes meet in the street
and they go, "Hey, how are you doing?"
1114
01:10:11,000 --> 01:10:13,230
"Not too bad."
1115
01:10:13,280 --> 01:10:15,271
It's always boxing, never any other sport.
1116
01:10:15,320 --> 01:10:17,914
You never see two blokes meet in the street
and do the shot put.
1117
01:10:17,960 --> 01:10:19,552
"How ya doing?"
1118
01:10:20,520 --> 01:10:22,511
"Not too bad."
1119
01:10:24,320 --> 01:10:27,437
Ever see two blokes meet in the street
and suddenly get out a hobbyhorse?
1120
01:10:27,480 --> 01:10:28,913
"How you doing? You all right?"
1121
01:10:28,960 --> 01:10:30,916
"Well, you know,
up and down, up and down."
1122
01:10:33,000 --> 01:10:35,230
Meet your mate in the pub
and you do the triple jump.
1123
01:10:35,280 --> 01:10:37,191
"Eh, look who's just walked in."
1124
01:10:41,760 --> 01:10:45,673
A lot of people say to me, "Lee, you should
take up golf. It's really good for you."
1125
01:10:45,720 --> 01:10:47,517
Know what I say? "Fuck off."
1126
01:10:50,680 --> 01:10:53,558
It's a good game. I understand
people playing it, but I don't get it.
1127
01:10:53,600 --> 01:10:55,397
A game you only play on one glove.
1128
01:10:55,440 --> 01:10:58,113
You don't play wearing one fucking shoe,
do you?
1129
01:11:02,440 --> 01:11:05,750
You say to a golfer, "Why the glove?"
They go, "Oh. Grip."
1130
01:11:05,800 --> 01:11:08,519
Why don't you put two gloves on,
guess what that is?
1131
01:11:08,560 --> 01:11:10,357
More fucking grip.
1132
01:11:12,720 --> 01:11:14,711
- (Cheering, whistling)
- Well...
1133
01:11:18,600 --> 01:11:20,955
I actually attempted to play golf once
1134
01:11:21,000 --> 01:11:24,788
and I nearly snapped me spinal cord in
nine places trying to get out of a sand trap.
1135
01:11:24,840 --> 01:11:29,118
Whose idea was it to put a stretch of sand
in the middle of some woodland?
1136
01:11:29,160 --> 01:11:32,835
Well, that's just a mirage,
but the other way round.
1137
01:11:34,440 --> 01:11:39,719
You're playing a game in the woods...
No, you're not, you're on the fucking beach.
1138
01:11:39,760 --> 01:11:41,796
That's like going surfing
and someone saying,
1139
01:11:41,840 --> 01:11:44,035
"Watch them oak trees on the way in,
won't ya?"
1140
01:11:45,560 --> 01:11:47,869
Golf is the only game
where someone helps you play it.
1141
01:11:47,920 --> 01:11:49,433
The caddy does everything for you -
1142
01:11:49,480 --> 01:11:52,358
carries your clubs, tells you
what club to use, how far the hole is.
1143
01:11:52,400 --> 01:11:55,198
I'd do a bit of sport if there was
someone doing half the work for me.
1144
01:11:55,240 --> 01:11:59,836
It would be great if you were swimming,
there's a bloke going, "Anything you need?"
1145
01:12:01,520 --> 01:12:02,873
"Not at the moment, no."
1146
01:12:02,920 --> 01:12:05,798
"You sure?
There's a Starbucks round the corner."
1147
01:12:06,880 --> 01:12:11,078
"Tell you what, you can drag me
the rest of the way. That's lovely, thanks."
1148
01:12:12,000 --> 01:12:14,434
And who come up with the scoring system
for golf?
1149
01:12:14,480 --> 01:12:17,199
Birdie. That's a point in golf. Birdie.
1150
01:12:17,240 --> 01:12:20,869
I reckon the bloke who come up with the
scoring system was very distracted that day.
1151
01:12:20,920 --> 01:12:22,069
You know...
1152
01:12:22,120 --> 01:12:23,235
"What's that?"
1153
01:12:23,280 --> 01:12:25,271
"Eh? That's a birdie."
1154
01:12:29,320 --> 01:12:32,596
"What's that?"
"That's an eagle."
1155
01:12:37,360 --> 01:12:39,590
"What's that?"
"That's a bogey."
1156
01:12:45,560 --> 01:12:48,074
And par. Par, par.
That's a point in golf.
1157
01:12:48,120 --> 01:12:51,749
Par. That's a word that
ain't even fucking finished yet.
1158
01:12:52,880 --> 01:12:54,279
"You're four under par."
1159
01:12:54,320 --> 01:12:55,878
"Par?"
1160
01:12:55,920 --> 01:12:57,717
"No, just par."
1161
01:12:58,720 --> 01:13:00,597
"Fuck off."
1162
01:13:02,680 --> 01:13:05,638
And they say golf is good exercise for you.
What exercise?
1163
01:13:05,680 --> 01:13:09,389
Golf is the only game where you get a lift
to the next hole on a bleeding golf buggy.
1164
01:13:09,440 --> 01:13:11,556
What lazy bugger come up with that?
1165
01:13:11,600 --> 01:13:14,990
You know you never see that in other sports.
That would be good in the marathon.
1166
01:13:15,040 --> 01:13:16,871
"On your marks, get set, go!"
1167
01:13:16,920 --> 01:13:18,512
"Taxi!"
1168
01:13:19,960 --> 01:13:22,633
"Where are you going?"
"Finish line, please."
1169
01:13:27,880 --> 01:13:31,475
Darts is a good game. Who came up
with the scoring system for darts?
1170
01:13:31,520 --> 01:13:33,988
You know..."First one to nothing...
1171
01:13:34,040 --> 01:13:35,268
"wins."
1172
01:13:39,200 --> 01:13:42,909
I love darts. Darts is the only game where
you can drink alcohol while you're playing it.
1173
01:13:42,960 --> 01:13:46,794
Other sports are ridiculed for going out
and gambling and drinking,
1174
01:13:46,840 --> 01:13:48,751
they're tested for all sorts of substances.
1175
01:13:48,800 --> 01:13:51,598
Not darts -
they're supping in-between shots.
1176
01:13:51,640 --> 01:13:54,438
I wanna see that in other sports.
That would be great in the boxing.
1177
01:13:54,480 --> 01:13:56,596
Some bloke goes to his corner,
has a swig of beer,
1178
01:13:56,640 --> 01:13:58,631
"Fuck. I reckon I could do him now."
1179
01:14:03,400 --> 01:14:06,949
Let's have it in all sports. It would be great
in the Olympics at the shooting event.
1180
01:14:07,000 --> 01:14:11,676
Some bloke wandering about with a loaded
rifle going, "What you fucking looking at?"
1181
01:14:15,040 --> 01:14:19,158
In some sports like the hammer thrower,
he always looks like he's had a drink.
1182
01:14:19,200 --> 01:14:23,079
He always looks like he's been bunged out
of a pub every time he throws that hammer.
1183
01:14:23,120 --> 01:14:25,111
"You fucking twat."
1184
01:14:28,520 --> 01:14:30,397
And... (Laughs)
1185
01:14:30,440 --> 01:14:32,510
I love watching sport, I really do.
1186
01:14:32,560 --> 01:14:35,393
Everyone complains that kids
are not getting involved in sport,
1187
01:14:35,440 --> 01:14:38,432
they say they're staying at home
playing the Wii and stuff like that.
1188
01:14:38,480 --> 01:14:40,914
Kids, they know about sport,
but only by the Wii game,
1189
01:14:40,960 --> 01:14:44,430
so our next generation of athletes
will be at the starting line...
1190
01:14:44,480 --> 01:14:46,391
"Go!"
1191
01:14:50,120 --> 01:14:52,918
"Mum! I'm not moving!"
1192
01:14:55,880 --> 01:14:58,474
I bought the kids the Wii game,
I told them it was the Wii,
1193
01:14:58,520 --> 01:15:00,636
it's not, it's the remote.
1194
01:15:02,880 --> 01:15:06,190
They don't know.
They think the game's changing channels.
1195
01:15:07,200 --> 01:15:09,156
There's been a lot of accidents with the Wii,
1196
01:15:09,200 --> 01:15:11,395
people getting hit in the head
while playing it.
1197
01:15:11,440 --> 01:15:14,432
My wife uses it as an excuse.
She's like that...
1198
01:15:14,480 --> 01:15:16,948
"Oh! Sorry.
1199
01:15:22,120 --> 01:15:23,599
"Oh!
1200
01:15:23,640 --> 01:15:25,631
"I did it again."
1201
01:15:28,160 --> 01:15:31,118
I know cos the telly ain't on,
so I fucking know.
1202
01:15:34,240 --> 01:15:35,878
I do, I love watching sport.
1203
01:15:35,920 --> 01:15:39,595
I don't get it sometimes, though, when you
see those pubs and the board outside says,
1204
01:15:39,640 --> 01:15:43,792
"Live in here tonight - England v Croatia."
How the fuck are they all gonna fit in there?
1205
01:15:45,280 --> 01:15:47,669
Cos they have that other board that says,
"Fight live."
1206
01:15:47,720 --> 01:15:50,439
I think "That's gonna happen
fucking in there.
1207
01:15:50,480 --> 01:15:52,072
"That's a defo, that is."
1208
01:15:53,800 --> 01:15:55,438
And rugby, that's a good sport.
1209
01:15:55,480 --> 01:15:58,074
The game of no responsibility, rugby.
1210
01:15:58,120 --> 01:16:01,237
Someone throws you the ball,
you go, "Fuck, I don't want it."
1211
01:16:02,760 --> 01:16:06,355
It's no wonder, have you seen the blokes
playing it? They're fucking huge.
1212
01:16:06,400 --> 01:16:07,958
(Growls)
1213
01:16:08,920 --> 01:16:12,151
Have a look at 'em,
it's like bulldozers in fucking shorts.
1214
01:16:12,200 --> 01:16:15,397
Two bits of discarded bubble gum as ears.
1215
01:16:15,440 --> 01:16:16,919
Aaaagh!
1216
01:16:18,080 --> 01:16:21,516
It's like Mr Potato Head
with a fucking glandular problem, you know?
1217
01:16:21,560 --> 01:16:23,551
(Growls)
1218
01:16:24,600 --> 01:16:29,230
So why is it, why is it... Have you noticed
in rugby all referees are little, short fellas?
1219
01:16:29,280 --> 01:16:32,750
You've got these blokes roaming around
the field with cauliflower faces,
1220
01:16:32,800 --> 01:16:36,270
the tops of their head held on with
industrial tape, who's in charge of these lot?
1221
01:16:36,320 --> 01:16:38,276
Jimmy Krankie.
1222
01:16:42,320 --> 01:16:43,912
And they all listen to him, you know.
1223
01:16:43,960 --> 01:16:46,679
They walk up to him and go like that...
"Now listen here now.
1224
01:16:46,720 --> 01:16:48,870
"When I blow my whistle...
1225
01:16:50,960 --> 01:16:55,112
"I want you to engage
and smash your fucking heads together."
1226
01:16:56,120 --> 01:16:58,111
(Growls) "OK, no problem."
1227
01:17:00,200 --> 01:17:02,156
Soon as a player
swings a punch, he's like,
1228
01:17:02,200 --> 01:17:04,589
"Off my pitch, I'll have no violence here."
1229
01:17:05,720 --> 01:17:07,711
(Growls) "OK, man."
1230
01:17:10,040 --> 01:17:15,034
(Laughs) Cos the ref understands what
they're saying, you know? They'll be like...
1231
01:17:15,080 --> 01:17:18,197
(Unintelligible shouting)
"You'll have to go in the break."
1232
01:17:18,240 --> 01:17:20,071
(Unintelligible shouting)
1233
01:17:20,120 --> 01:17:22,588
"I don't care if you have shit your shorts."
1234
01:17:25,920 --> 01:17:29,515
And what is that thing they bring on for
the kicker to take his kick, to put the ball on?
1235
01:17:29,560 --> 01:17:31,471
It's like a little cat feeding bowl.
1236
01:17:31,520 --> 01:17:34,637
He must have a fucking nervous cat
at home, that bloke.
1237
01:17:36,440 --> 01:17:38,908
Every time the cat goes for the bowl,
it's like...
1238
01:17:40,040 --> 01:17:41,951
"Eeow!"
1239
01:17:43,120 --> 01:17:44,473
"Sorry!"
1240
01:17:44,520 --> 01:17:46,351
"That's OK."
1241
01:17:50,240 --> 01:17:51,832
(Applause and cheering)
1242
01:17:57,000 --> 01:18:01,278
And they cheat. When there's a throw-in,
they lift the fucker up and he catches it.
1243
01:18:01,320 --> 01:18:05,029
That's like doing the high jump, and getting
a couple of mates to chuck us over the bar.
1244
01:18:05,080 --> 01:18:07,196
"One, two, three. Cheers, thank you."
1245
01:18:10,440 --> 01:18:14,149
The difference between rugby and football -
you're pronounced dead on the field in rugby
1246
01:18:14,200 --> 01:18:17,670
and they just stand up and go,
"It's all right, I'll run it off".
1247
01:18:19,400 --> 01:18:22,278
In football you only have to tap 'em,
they're on the floor going,
1248
01:18:22,320 --> 01:18:25,232
"Chop it off, it's no good for me now.
1249
01:18:26,440 --> 01:18:28,954
"You just spoiled my make-up."
1250
01:18:30,560 --> 01:18:34,155
That's what gets me about footballers,
they writhe about in agony on the floor,
1251
01:18:34,200 --> 01:18:37,510
soon as they score a goal
they start doing fucking back flips.
1252
01:18:37,560 --> 01:18:40,518
I don't like about football that side of it,
the unsportsman stuff.
1253
01:18:40,560 --> 01:18:42,471
I don't like unsportsmanship in football.
1254
01:18:42,520 --> 01:18:44,556
I hate it when the team in the lead
get the ball,
1255
01:18:44,600 --> 01:18:47,273
they take it to the corner and keep it there
to waste time.
1256
01:18:47,320 --> 01:18:49,629
You never see that in other sports
like the darts.
1257
01:18:49,680 --> 01:18:53,195
Some bloke playing darts
goes up to the board, "No, no. No, no.
1258
01:18:55,040 --> 01:18:57,031
"Fuck it."
111525
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