Original subtitles

-You and l gonna shoot some pool? -l haven't shot pool in ages.

lt's about time, otherwise you lose your edge.

-You still have the morning paper? -Mom, what's for breakfast?

The kitchen is closed.

l'm hungry here.

You want something to eat? Make it. l don't have all day to wait on you.

Come on, Ma. Don't give me that shit. A fried baloney sandwich would be good.

Get out of the house. Billy, take him out of here.

A fried baloney sandwich isn't a lot to ask for!

Hold the wire, Marion, will you?

You're giving me a headache. Take a walk.

What are you going to do? You going to stab me?

Come on.

You miserable creature.

-How did you get to be such a thing? -Take your best shot.

-Who do you think you are? -And then l'm gonna punch your lights out.

You don't even look like me.

Where'd you come from? Get married and get out of this house. Quick!

Come on, go for the gut. Then you, you're going down and out.

Come on, l've got fists of granite.

-How did you turn into such a thing? -l won't look. Hit me right here.

And ruin my good knife on you? lt's not worth it.

Sit down. l'll fix you something to eat, and that's it.

Eat a sandwich, then give me some peace.

-Billy, you want something? -No, thanks.

-You sure? lt's no trouble. -No, really, l'm fine.

A lot's changed around here.

I'm never going to get married.

Never, never.

Aren't you, my Jo?

ls this show in color or is something wrong with this set?

No, there's nothing wrong with the set. This is a black-and-white set.

l don't think they're showing the movie in color anyway.

l don't like color television.

Don't like color for nothing.

l saw Bonanza over at my in-laws, and it was not for me.

The Ponderosa looked faked.

l hardly recognized Little Joe.

Maybe you had to tune it.

Not for me. Have you got an Emerson? l hear they're real good.

Yeah. l've got an Emerson right here. lt's a good set.

-What's all that stuff? -This? You've got a high-fidelity system.

l don't want any high-fidelity system with my television.

All l want is a 21-inch Emerson, cabinet style.

Kenny, have we got any Emersons, 21 inches, without the record player in it?

-l'll check in the warehouse. -He's going to check that in the warehouse.

lt'll take a few minutes. Why don't you look around?

l'll look around at some of the television sets.

You do that.

l talked to Boog. He's taking Carol to the Strand tonight.

The Strand?

-He's going to try it in the Strand? -Yeah.

What do you want to do?

l'll be there. A few seats away.

Yeah, l'll be there too. l got $20 on this thing.

Don't want any judgement calls.

He has a couple of C's riding on this already.

He's making bets left and right.

He has $200 on this already?

Yeah. A lot of people bet for Carol.

What have you been doin'? You been drinking already?

Yeah. l guess so.

What for? lt's too early.

l don't know. l'm getting antsy or something. l can't figure out what.

l'll see you at the Strand tonight.

Hey, Fen.

Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah.

What do you say, Knocko?

Hey, Billy.

-How're you doing? -Eat, sleep, you know.

l never see you and the guys anymore.

You know how it is. Time to move on, l guess.

You got change for a quarter?

-Doin' okay, Billy? -l'm going for my master's.

Hey, wonderful.

Take seven. lt's got a new felt.

What are you doin' it for?

lt's not like l'm doin' it just to make her happy.

To hell with that.

No, you wouldn't want to make her happy.

Anyway, she's the only one l really care about.

lt's not like l go looking for girls to date, or anything like that.

lt seems like the right time and all.

At least she's not a ballbreaker.

Christ. lf she was a ballbreaker, there'd be no way.

Right?

How you doin'?

''lt's one thing to wear your dog collar, but when it turns into a noose...

''...l'd rather have my freedom. A man in jail is always for freedom.

''Except, if you'll excuse me, J.J., l'm not in jail.

''You're blind, Mr. McGoo. This is the crossroad for me.

''l won't get Kello. Not for a lifetime pass to the polo grounds.

''Not if you serve me Cleopatra on a plate.

''And that is why you put your hands on my sister.

''J.J., please. Susie tried to....''

lt's Methan's favorite movie, The Sweet Smell of Success.

-He memorized the whole movie? -Yeah.

These younger guys, l tell ya, they're crazier than we were.

Eddie, are you taking any of Boogie's action?

Yeah. No way he pulls this off.

There's a boy up there watching me.

There he goes. Funny feeling, being looked at without knowing it.

What?

Pants off.

The rose's thorn scratched you.

It's nothing.

Did you ever catch fireflies?

When I was young, I used to put them in a bottle...

...and see if I could get enough to read by.

There used to be goldfish here.

-Did you ever catch any? -No. I wasn't supposed to.

Last winter, we forgot to take them out and they all froze solid.

That poor cupid. He looks lost without them.

He looks like he's waiting to be kissed.

He is.

How can you tell?

Well, I can't really.

Ijust know how he feels.

Shrevie, what's going on?

l have no idea.

Would you hold on a second?

You're disgusting.

l know it was really terrible. lt was horrible, but it was an accident.

An accident?

No, Carol, seriously. lt was an accident. l swear to God.

An accident. Your thing just got into a box of popcorn.

Well, damn near that.

Listen, can l be straight with you?

Wait, look. There's a real good reason...

...but it's a little embarrassing to me.

So maybe if you don't want to hear it, l'll understand.

Go on. l want to hear this.

l don't know, it's just....

l don't like to tell this to girls, but you really are a knockout.

No, you really are. And sitting down next to you in there got me crazy.

l got a hard on.

l don't like to admit it, but l did.

l mean, you don't know me. l try to come off like l'm being cool all the time.

l don't like to look like l'm hustling, and there l was next to you with a boner.

Am l embarrassing you?

Go on.

l don't know, it's just that the pain was killing me.

lt was to stop the pain. lt was digging into the side of my leg.

So what l did was, l opened my fly to loosen everything up.

Just to give it a little air.

And it worked.

Everything settled down and then l got caught back up in the picture.

And then, when Sandra got her leg caught on the bush...

...and she lifted up her dress. lt just popped right up.

And it went through the bottom of the popcorn box.

And the force of it just opened up the flap.

lt just pushed the flap open?

lt's Ripley's. lt just pushed the flap right open.

And l couldn't move the box. You would have seen it.

That's true.

Let's go back inside.

-Okay? -Okay.

Come on.

All right.

We'll just get a seat in the back here.

Do you care if I kiss you right here in front of God and everybody?

I can't wait either.

What's that guy's name? The actor?

Troy Donahue.

Troy. What kind of name is Troy?

He's gorgeous.

You ever hear of a guy with the name of Troy?

Yeah. Troy Swartzman from Towanda.

This movie was written by the author of The Man in the Grey Flannel Suit.

l wonder where that Barbara girl and Billy are?

l'd really like to see this again.

You can take Elyse.

Hi.

Fellas, don't forget to bring some tens tonight.

Ten whats?

l don't know.

Death. l'd give up your life if l could have her.

We're even.

Take it easy.

ls he okay?

Damn. That's Willard Broxton.

Long time comin', huh, Bill?

l couldn't believe it. There he was. l didn't want to hit him, but l had to.

Definitely. You had to. l mean, Willard Broxton.

Who's Willard Broxton?

You should have said something.

-What am l gonna say? -l got Willard!

-Shrevie, who is Willard Broxton? -l always liked Willard Broxton.

-You liked him? -l used to take his milk money.

That was outstanding. l'll see you guys later.

-Are we going to go eat? -l'm not in the mood.

Going to the diner?

Later. l'm going to the TV station to see Barbara.

Shrevie, who is Willard Broxton?

lt was the 1 1th grade. No, it was the 10th grade. That's right.

Billy was playin' ball against one of the high school fraternities.

l think they were ULP.

So Billy comes sliding into second base to break up the double play...

...and the second baseman thought that Billy was trying to hurt him.

So he jumped on Billy. So Billy punched the guy.

And then, the whole ULP team jumped on Billy.

They beat the crap out of him.

He's been waiting for them after all these years?

-He swore he'd get them. -That was forever ago, Shrevie.

So, Broxton makes it eight. Or seven. Seven? No, no. lt's eight. That's right.

There's one guy left.

What are you waitin' for? lt's open.

What about the slides? l didn't hear anything about the slides.

-There's not much time before the news. -Yeah, l tried to call.

The switchboard closes down at 10:00.

l was just getting the feeling that you were avoiding me.

That's not true, Billy.

Do you want to run down the film chains for me?

The governor's press conference on 3. There's a B roll of it.

And the slides? One.

Stand by for cold tease.

Ten seconds.

-Who's the visitor? -Friend of mine. Five seconds.

And, one. Mike, cue!

President Eisenhower returns from the World Peace Tour.

Steel dispute continues. Interviews with John Unitas and coach Ewbank...

...in preparation for tomorrow's championship game.

These and other stories next.

Roll three, three and track.

Willy, after this l still have a lot of work to do.

Why don't you call in the morning?

-Where's the news opening? -Six.

Okay. What's good?

Church services are at 10:00, 8:30, 9:00.

Punch l.D., and announce.

This is WBAL TV, Channel 1 1 in Baltimore, wishing all our viewers...

...a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Let's see. lt's two more days till the test.

And if she passes, it's two more days till the thing. The marriage.

Where are you guys going, Puerto Rico?

No, Cuba.

Cuba, that's nice. My parent's friends, the Copelands, they go there every year.

-They said it's nice? -Really nice.

Yeah, l heard.

Shrev, are you happy with your marriage or what?

l don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

-You don't know? -What?

How could you not.... You don't know? How could you not know?

l don't know.

Beth is terrific and everything, but Jesus, l don't know.

A big part of the problem when you get married....

When you're dating...

...everything is talkin' about sex, right?

Where can we do it? Why can't we do it?

Are your parents going to be out so we can do it?

Trying to get a weekend just so that we can do it.

So you can do it.

Everything is just always talkin' about getting sex.

And then planning the wedding.

All the details.

Details, shit.

But then, when you get married....

lt's crazy, l don't know. You can get it whenever you want it.

You wake up in the morning, and she's there.

And you come home from work, and she's there.

And so all that sex-planning talk is over with.

And so is the wedding-planning talk 'cause you're already married.

So, you know, l can come down here and we can bullshit the whole night away.

But l cannot hold a five-minute conversation with Beth.

lt's not her fault. l'm not blaming her.

-She's great. lt's.... -No, of course not.

lt's just, we've got nothing to talk about.

But, it's good, it's good.

lt's good?

-lt's nice, right? -Yes.

-lt's nice. -Right.

Well, you've always got the diner.

Yeah. We've always got the diner.

Don't worry about it.

l'm not worried.

Don't back out on me.

l'm not going to back out on you, either.

Unless, of course, she fails the test. lt's out of my hands.

Hey, Boog. Did you hear? They won by 14.

God! They weren't supposed to roll up that high of a score!

You gonna listen to me next time?

Come here. Your mother let you loose like this?

Look at those pants. l got charcoal pants here.

You want to get inside the diner?

Come here. Look at these. Charcoal gray.

Special sale, $12.50.

-$12.50? You offered him $7. -For you, $1 1 .98. These are better.

You think l'll tell him? Don't tell anyone where you got these.

-How much money have you got? -$4.

$4? l've got a good shirt for you. Forget the pants.

-lt's incredible. -Unbelievable.

Where's he now?

He's already up to the Pimlico. Right? Then he's got the Junction.

And the Avalon and the Garrison. That's the George's Deluxe in the corner.

Oh, yeah.

You know what that is?

One, two. The whole left side of the menu. What a triumph if he pulls it off.

You're talking about 15, 16 more if you include the...

...the Maryland fried-chicken dinner.

No. l think he's just talking club sandwiches.

Excuse me, Earl. Does that include the fried-chicken dinner?

-Yes. -lt does.

Twenty-two deluxe sandwiches and the fried-chicken dinner!

lt's not human. He's not a person. He's like a building with feet.

You know what l mean? lt's unbelievable.

l won't pay you.

lt's not fair.

She was supposed to grab your pecker, not reach into the popcorn and get it.

-Exactly. -She grabbed my pecker.

Boog, the bet was to touch your pecker, not pecker in popcorn.

That's right. lt was pecker-touching without intention.

l'm not going to pay you. No, she was supposed to grab your pecker.

-Give me some money. -l don't buy it.

Yeah. l want it on the up-and-up. Me too. This one was default.

Let it ride. l'll tell you what.

l'll bet you that l can ball Carol Heathrow on our next date.

Now, you're nuts.

-No. -Come on, Boog.

You want to bet me $50 a guy?

$50?

lt's like stealing money from you, Boog.

-Are you in? -Yeah, l'm in. l'm in.

-Are you in? -l'm in.

-Are you in? -l'm in.

All right.

Are you in, Billy?

No, l'm not in.

l'll take all the action l can get.

We need validation.

All right, you want validation? Okay, you can be there to validate.

Sure.

-Earl is the king. -The whole left side.

The Portland. l didn't think he could eat any more than that.

Do you want to look at some desserts? He's locking up.

Get 'em now or forget it.

-Can he do it? -Yes. He's getting in the car.

Good breakfast, Earl.

-Try to keep it down, Earl. -Standing ovation for the Earl. Standing O.

The car moves.

Don't get in the way.

That was beautiful. Grind 'em.

Peel some rubber now, Earl.

Let's meet here at 12:00 and go to the game in my car.

Let's make it quarter to. l don't want to miss any pre-game crap.

Why don't we just go now? That way we won't miss anything.

Shrevie! Wait a minute, we're talkin' about the championship game.

For Christ's sake, let's get serious. A quarter to.

-All right. l'll see you later. -So long.

You got a ride?

-You going straight home? -Yeah. Get in.

-lt's no problem? -Modell! Don't give me that. Get in.

You want me to go? l'll go. Whatever you want.

l have to meet that girl. She is death.

-Very nice. -Man, l'm in love.

Miss! Whoa, miss!

-Hey, miss! -Watch the road.

Hold on a second.

l was admiring your horse.

Were you?

Do you ride Western as well?

l do, but l prefer English. There's a finer sense of control.

What's your name?

Jane Chisholm. As in the Chisholm Trail.

What fucking Chisholm Trail?

Do you ever get the feeling there's something going on we don't know about?

Do you get the feeling that she gave me a fake name?

-Do you want to keep driving? -Might as well call it a night.

ls there anything wrong, Barb?

No.

Yes. l think l'm pregnant.

Me?

Yes.

Our one night in New York last month.

Six years of a platonic relationship, and then that night.

And this happens.

-Maybe it's for the best. -No.

l don't think so.

Do you want to marry me?

Yes.

ls that why you came back a few days early? To ask?

Well, l thought after New York, you know....

Seven weeks is a long time when you miss someone.

New York was a mistake.

Maybe it wasn't as romantic as we'd like it to be, but l think it will happen.

lt isn't perfect yet, but....

l love you, Barb.

You're confusing a friendship with a woman and love.

lt's not the same.

That's the opening whistle and our game begins.

You're still playing for a 30-point bonus question.

Here's another toss up in English. Are you ready?

A spaceship is stranded on the planet Mercury outside of the libration areas.

It is night, and pitch black outside.

For 10 points, how long must the explorers wait until sunrise?

Sun doesn't rise on Mercury.

Bryn Mawr. Stebbins.

They won't get a sunrise because Mercury has one side...

...perpetually turned toward the Sun and the other away from it.

That's right. They would have to wait forever. That's the answer.

I have a 20-point bonus coming up.

Here's your toss-up. For 10 points: What would a man probably have...

...if he had a visible contusion near the upper part of his zygomatic arch?

A black eye.

A sharp lump on his head.

Black eye, you bozo.

Bryn Mawr. Stebbins.

I think, let's see, he would have a bump here.

You look like you've got a bump on your head.

A black eye.

All right. We were looking for a black eye.

But I must accept a bruised cheekbone.

Yeah, Ma. l know l owe $2,000. Guess what? l heard it before you.

What am l gonna do?

l'm choice. l'm gonna have to find a way to pay it off.

Me? l've got $56 to my name.

Yeah, l know l'm in trouble.

Then they'll kill me. What can l tell you?

Here's your toss-up. For 10 points: What home-grown philosopher said:

-''The masks of men lead lives--'' -Thoreau!

-Cornell. Pearlman. -Thoreau.

Right, for 10 points. ''Lead lives of quiet--''

That's right, for 10 points.

The statement inscribed in the US Post Office:

''Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night....''

Herodotus!

For 10 points, what classical author wrote it?

-Herodotus. -Right, for 10 points.

Hey, Cornell! Take a walk, you bozo.

...final half, with the score: Bryn Mawr College, 104...

...and Cornell University, 60.

l talked to Shrevie. He's going to lend me $200.

-You going over now? -Yeah.

l might drop in on my brother, maybe get some bucks from the toast.

Howard?

Really?

l appreciate that, Fen.

l know how you guys feel about each other.

Listen. With the Heathrow bet l'm gonna be close. l'll see ya later.

Beth?

-What? -Come here.

l'm doing a crossword puzzle.

Come here!

What?

Have you been playing my records?

Yeah. So?

So, didn't l tell you the procedure?

You told me all about it, Shrevie. They have to be in alphabetical order.

And what else?

They have to be filed alphabetically and according to year as well. Okay?

And what else?

-And what else? -l don't know.

You don't know? Let me give you a hint, okay?

l found my James Brown record filed under the J's, instead of the B's.

l don't know who taught you to alphabetize.

But to top it off, he's in the rock-and-roll section...

...instead of the R & B section. How can you do that?

lt's too complicated, Shrevie. See, every time l pull out a record...

...there's this whole procedure l have to go through.

l just want to hear the music, that's all.

ls it too complicated to just keep my records in the category?

Just put the rock-and-roll in with the rock-and-roll.

Put the R & B in with the R & B.

You're not going to put Charlie Parker in with the rock-and-roll, would you?

Would you?

l don't know. Who is Charlie Parker?

Jazz! Jazz!

He was the greatest jazz saxophone player that ever lived!

What are you getting so crazy about?

lt's just music. lt's not that big a deal.

lt is. Don't you understand? This is important to me.

Shrevie, why do you yell at me?

l never hear you yell at any of your friends.

Look. Pick a record. Okay?

-What? -Just pick any record.

Any record. Okay.

What's the hit side?

Good Golly Miss Molly.

Now, ask me what's on the flip side.

Why?

Just ask me what's on the flip side. Okay?

What is on the flip side?

Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey. 1958. Specialty Records.

See, you don't ask me things like that. You never ask me what's on the flip side.

No. Because l don't give a shit.

Who cares about what's on the flip side of a record?

l do.

Every one of my records means something.

The label. The producer. The year it was made.

Who was copying whose styles. Who was expanding on that.

Don't you understand?

When l listen to my records...

...they take me back to certain points in my life. Okay?

Just don't touch my records. Ever.

The first time that l met you...

...Modell's sister's high-school graduation party. Right? 1955.

And Ain't That A Shame was playing when l walked in the door.

-Hi, Boogie. -How're you doin'?

-ls Shrevie here? -No.

He's not here? l called him a little while ago, and he said he'd be in.

-What's the matter? -Nothing.

-Did l come at a bad time? -No, it's all right.

What's the matter? Maybe l should go. l'll come back later.

Should l leave? Should l? What's the matter?

Boogie, does he ever yell at you?

What? What happened, baby?

We had a fight.

-Why did you have a fight? -l don't know.

Do you want me to talk to him?

-Tell me why you had a fight. -l don't know....

Come on, don't cry. Come on.

-Come on, baby. -l did something wrong.

He's in trouble. Don't you know about friendship, Howard?

$500?

$400, $300. Whatever you can afford.

Maybe this is a lesson for you.

lf you worked, you'd have some money to lend him.

Yeah, l know. l'm irresponsible. l dropped out of college.

l won't work in the family business. l'm a disgrace.

That's a good reason to keep me out of your house, God knows.

You're a bad example.

Far be it for me to disagree. Give me some money, Howard.

Do you ever read a book?

Read.

-Do you ever read? -Never.

You should read Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Give me some money, Howard.

Where'd you get this attitude?

l borrowed it. l have to have it back by midnight. Howard!

l should talk to Daddy about stopping your trust fund.

lt's killing your initiative.

Some big trust fund. $100 a month till l'm 23.

Yeah, Granddad was a real Rockefeller.

Howard.

lt's important.

l wouldn't come otherwise.

l don't like to see you, so you know it's got to be very important.

Get off.

l despise you, and yet l'm here.

Get off.

lt's funny. You know, when l was a little kid l always wanted a brother...

...and l told that to Mom once. And she said, ''You have a brother.''

And l said, ''Oh, that's who the asshole in the other bed is.''

lf l had my way, l'd just date Elyse all my life.

-Hey, watch it, pal. -Just date her.

l personally like dating.

-What are you doing it for? -l've been datin' Elyse for five years.

l have no choice. You know how girls are. Security and all that.

They need that thing, that marriage thing.

What am l watching?

The movie just started and l don't know what's going on.

lt's symbolic.

Who's that guy?

That's Death walking on the beach.

l've been to Atlantic City 100 times and l never saw Death walk on the beach.

Kids.

Kids did this.

lt's a sacrilege for Christ's sake.

What is this?

-Come on. -What's wrong?

lt's an emergency.

-What's up? -Fenwick's in the manger.

-What? -He's in the manger and he won't leave.

l've never seen him like this.

''O little town of Bethlehem

''How still we...lie''

-This is crazy. -l told you.

Three more wise men. They've heard of the miracle.

Let's go, Fen.

You must have traveled far.

Come. Come rest your weary feet.

Come on.

Get out of there. Someone'll spot you. The police will be here.

Come on, Fen. Put your pants on.

This is a big smile. Don't you think?

Yeah, come on.

Come on.

-Let's go. -No! No!

-Here we go. -Fen, no! Fen!

-Eddie, get him. -Get his arms.

Billy, grab him.

-l got him. -Keep him. Hold on.

-Back! Back! -Fenwick, put that sheep down.

-Put the sheep down. -Stop screwing around.

Put the sheep down. We'll pick up the three wise men and get out of here.

Police.

Fortunately, my work is done.

Nice, Fen. Very nice.

What do we do now?

Choice.

Thanks, pal.

l have some killer questions for the test.

Tomorrow night's the showdown.

ls she studying hard?

Better be. Otherwise, she's off to Cuba alone.

Wish l knew what to do about Barbara.

You get married. You take her back to school with ya.

You get a part-time job.

And by the time you've got your master's, kid's arrived, all's well.

What about her job?

Her job?

Her job....

l give you an answer and you confuse it by bringing her into the problem.

Do you want to take a walk?

Look, Ed. She's in this thing.

There's two of us, you know.

She loves her work and...

...she doesn't want to marry me. That's the bottom line.

You're dealing with an irrational girl. That's your problem.

Do you want to find someplace else to stand, buddy?

You going to do something about it?

You heard him! Schmuck, back off!

You going to do something about it?

Do you want to fight? ls that what you want? Come on.

Come on, you son of a bitch.

l'll hit you so hard, l'll kill your whole family.

What's going on?

What?

l've got him right here.

We called Timmy's father, but he said he wouldn't post bail until the morning.

He wants to teach him a lesson.

We get back from Florida, open the door, and the police call.

That's what l call good timing.

-How's Mom? -She's fine.

-He was punching out wise men? -Yeah, he was punching out the wise men.

He was so drunk l couldn't believe it.

l can't believe that his father leaves him in jail overnight.

He's punching out the wise men and knocks over the whole manger?

His family situation is not the best. Between his father and his brother--

''But why furnish your enemies with ammunition?

''You're a family man, Harvey. And someday, God willing...

''...you may want to be president. And there you are, out in the open...

''...where any hep person knows that this guy is toting this guy around with you.

-''Are we kids, or what?'' -Get out of here!

''Thanks, J.J., for what l consider sound advice.''

Would you get out of here?

-ls he crazy, or am l mistaken? -He's weird.

Do you think l'm doing the right thing by getting married?

Eddie, l can't tell you that.

l keep thinking that l'm going to be missing out on things.

That's what marriage is all about.

But l never did a lot before. You know.

What?

l never did a lot of...

...not a lot of screwing around.

Some, you know. Of course. A little.

A little?

A little.

You son of a bitch.

You're a virgin, aren't you?

Technically.

You've got a lot to learn.

Who am l gonna learn it from?

Elyse?

Elyse doesn't know anything.

We could be in trouble.

Barbara, this is stupid. l mean, it's crazy.

l don't understand you, Barbara. lt's mine as well.

l have something to say in this too. Don't l?

l'm not talking about doing anything drastic.

An abortion, or anything like that.

-l have the feeling that l'm not included. -Keep your voice down.

Who do you think you're talking to? l'm half responsible for this mess.

Please, don't talk so loud.

This isn't the time or place to talk about this very private matter.

-When is the time to talk about it? -You're yelling--

Why don't we take a 10-minute break?

Barbara, what are we going to do?

We've got to talk about this. We've got to try....

l can't believe this happened to me. l'm hardly the adventurous type.

Somehow it just doesn't seem fair, and that makes it very difficult.

Of course it's difficult.

Whether it's fair or not makes no difference.

lt's happened, we must work it out together.

l know.

l have a great feeling for you, Willy.

You're my closest friend.

Barbara, l want you to marry me.

l will not marry you. Not out of convenience.

Not because it's the thing to do, which is what everybody else does.

Do you think that l'm asking you to marry me because...

...it's what everybody else does?

Someday l may change my hairstyle, but not yet.

-Okay. Whenever you're ready. -All right.

The style you have looks really good on you.

Thank you.

Watch your head.

Hi, Boog.

How you doin', Beth?

-Here's the Post. -Thank you.

ls Mr. Andre here?

No. Mr. Andre, he stepped out to get some coffee and donuts.

He'll be back. What's up?

We're all supposed to have our hair done for the wedding.

The bridesmaids, the whole group.

And l'm in charge to make sure that Mr. Andre can handle it...

...without any problems. Maybe get some extra operators or something.

Yeah, l don't know what he has.... Can you get this?

l don't know what he has planned.

You're not going to go to work that day are you?

No, but l'm sure he's got something arranged.

Why don't you sit down over there and he'll be right in.

Okay.

l'm gonna go out for a second.

-lt's cold out here. l should get my coat. -Come on. lt's not that cold.

Where are we gonna go?

Let's go down here to my office.

-This is your office? -Yeah.

Get in.

-What's the matter? -You had a payment to make.

l'm going to make it.

You were supposed to make it last night. Nobody in the office got a call.

That was a mistake. l forgot. l've placed some bets tonight.

l'm gonna have it.

-Don't bullshit me, Boogie. -l'm not bullshitting.

Tank, cut it out. l'm gonna make it.

Tank, what are you doing?

Who do you think you're fuckin' with, some kid?

What are you doing?

Fun and games, a little kids' play or something?

-l'll have it. -l'm not amused.

-l'm not amused. Hear me? -Don't hit me.

-Tank, what are you doing? -No ifs, ands, or buts. All right?

-l'm gonna have it. -Tonight.

Tank, don't....

Carol.

l was just thinking about you.

What?

The flu?

Yeah, l know. That doesn't sound too good.

Yeah.

102�, huh?

Yeah, well listen. All right.

All right. Take care, and....

All right.

l'll call you back later and check up on you.

Okay. Bye-bye.

You feeling better?

Yeah, well, l'm not crying. l think that's about the only improvement.

Boog, l want to thank you for last night.

l guess l just needed someone.

Don't thank me. lt was.... l don't know. lt just kind of felt like old times, you know?

Standing in the doorway, l kind of felt like l was dating you again.

Boog, when we were datin', did you care for me?

Sure l did.

No, l don't mean just because you could do stuff to me, but...

...but because you really cared.

Of course, Beth. l mean there was plenty of girls around for a quick pop.

lf that's what l wanted.

But l got to tell you, you were good.

l was?

Believe me.

How would l rate?

You would rate way up there.

'Cause, l never told you this, but...

...l often think of the nights that we spent together.

And that was a long time ago.

l don't have any sense of myself anymore.

l don't know what l am.

l don't know if l'm pretty or if l'm....

l just, l have no sense of me anymore.

Listen.

l don't know what Shrevie doesn't tell you.

But you don't have anything to worry about.

You're a definite looker. You're a very, listen to me...

...you're a very sexy lady. You are.

l think maybe we should...

...well, go out sometime.

l think we should get together.

ls Shrevie going to go over...

...for Elyse's football test?

Yeah.

Well?

l don't know.

Are you going?

No.

What do you think?

Maybe we can go out tonight, huh, Boog?

Yeah.

Yeah, we can get together.

Was George Shaw a first-round draft choice?

First-round draft choice? True.

Wrong. He was a bonus pick.

Elyse, did you study?

Okay. That concludes the true-and-false section of the test.

Let me get the short-answer stuff in order.

-Can I have a glass of water? -No.

How's she doing?

Elyse has about a 72 so far. But she's hitting a bad streak.

Before the Cleveland Brownsjoined the NFL, they were in another league.

What was it called?

They were in another league?

-Yes, they were. -I don't know.

This is hot. You have anything cold?

Elyse, don't get too close to the answer sheet. Okay?

What's it now, Shrev?

Let me see.

What, passing is 65?

No. Passing is 65.

Buddy Young played for a team that no longer exists.

What was the name of that team?

Anybody know that?

Not a chance.

The New York Yankees football team.

The New York Yankees football team?

They also were part of the All-American Football Conference.

l contributed that question.

What was the longest run from scrimmage by a rookie in his first game?

Alan Ameche.

Hey! We heard that in here.

I'm disqualifying this question.

I knew that. Seventy-nine yard run, opening day 1955.

Good, Shrevie. You blew that.

l'm sorry. l got excited. lt's one of the few questions that l knew.

Sorry, Elyse.

-How many more? -l don't know. l lost count.

Elyse's mother is on the phone. How's she doing?

The guys think it could go either way.

Either way. Okay.

-Can I go to the bathroom? -No. Okay. The Colts signed him.

A Heisman Trophy winner who decided to play in Canada.

Now, however, he plays for the team. What's his name?

Heisman Trophy winner.

-L.G. Dupre. -No. Billy Vessels.

-I should've known that. -Should-ofs don't count.

Vessels. Out of Oklahoma.

She could have racked up points on that one.

l have no idea what the score is now.

You want to bet she goes down for the count?

Last question. The Colts had a team here, lost the franchise...

...then got one from Dallas.

What were the colors of the original Colt team?

Ball buster.

-The original colors? -My mother quizzed me on this.

Also my question.

-Green and gray. -Right.

What a scrapper.

A tough question and she pulls it out of the bag.

Very impressive.

Total's coming up.

True and false, 72.

Killer choices. Very confusing.

Short answer, 64.

-What do you think? -l don't know. Pick 'em.

Cliffhanger.

The total is 63.

Sixty-three.

-I think you better check that again. -Two points.

I checked the figures thoroughly.

-What will he do? -He'll give 'em to her.

Good sportsmanship is worth two points.

Eddie, what about the Alan Ameche question? I knew that one.

The marriage is off.

Hi.

-Where are we going? -We'll go to Fenwick's apartment.

Hey, listen. Put this on.

What's that for?

ln case somebody sees us.

They'll think you're Carol Heathrow or somebody like that.

lt's the craziest thing.

How does it look?

You look good.

Okay. Let's go.

I gave him the questions. What's thisjazz? They were wonderful questions.

Go drive your truck.

Ask your son if they weren't wonderful questions.

-I wasjust trying to have some fun. -Don't raise your voice.

-I don't want you to raise your voice-- -How did I know it would end up like this?

-l'm going to the diner. Want to go? -l got to validate the Heathrow bet.

Yeah, that's right.

Do you mind if l go with ya?

Come on. l'm not going to make any noise.

-lt's a small closet. You've got to be still. -Okay.

-Okay, let's take my car. -No. Let's take mine. Get some fresh air.

Let's put the top up. lt's freezing out here.

-Let's go. -Okay.

-Let's go. Let's fly. -Okay, Shrev. All right.

Any forward gear will do here.

Beth would kill me if she knew what l was doing.

My Prayer?

Flip side, Heaven on Earth, recorded by The Platters for Mercury Records.

Color of the label, maroon. Another.

I'm Stickin' With You?

I'm Stickin' With You, flip side is Ever Lovin' Fingers.

Recorded by Jimmy Bowen for Roulette Records.

Color of the label is orange. All right.

-Donna? -Donna.

-Flip side? -l thought Donna was the flip side.

lt's La Bamba.

-Come on, l'll crouch. You stand. -Fine.

-All right? -Yeah, that'll be good.

-Can you see? -Yeah.

l'm okay.

-Let's leave it open. l'm claustrophobic. -Come on, Shrev.

-l should have taken my coat off too. -Take it off. lt's a closet.

Oh, God.

She's beautiful.

That's good?

You're going to have to be real quiet when we get inside. No talking.

l think you're being a little paranoid, Boog.

The wall's are very, very thin. You promise?

Okay.

Did you leave the door open?

What door?

What's going on?

They should be here by now.

-Boog, what are you talking about? -Bet or no bet, it's not right.

Boog? Boog, what are you talking about?

Where are they?

-They're taking their time. -l wonder what's happening down there.

-Come on, Boog. -l think we're missing the show.

So, l was supposed to be Carol Heathrow?

That's right.

lt was a sick thing to do.

l'm sorry.

Thanks, Boog.

What for?

You had enough respect for me to call it off. That says a lot.

Look. l think you and Shrevie should try to work out your thing.

Yeah. l just wish l knew what to do.

Yeah, l don't know. lt's like....

This kind of problem with a girl, l'm not too good about talking about it.

But, you know me. lf l have a problem with a girl, l just split.

But l think you and Shrevie should work your thing out.

l think it would be worth it.

Boog, when l came to the beauty parlor this morning, and...

...you said all those things...

...were you lying?

You'll always rate right up there.

-Come on, let's go. -Okay.

What are you going to do about the money?

l don't know.

Come on, Boog. Don't let us down, buddy.

We're missing all the action. l'll bet he's getting her in hallway.

Can we have a couple more beers over here?

Do you remember coppin' a feel?

How could l forget?

Boogie was the first. Seventh grade.

When l took out Ruth Ray, l figured l had to do it.

-Ruth Ray, eighth grade. -Right.

Sat on the couch in her club cellar for hours...

...trying to figure out how to get my arm around her.

Finally, l learned the move.

Do you know the move?

l yawned and put my arm around her shoulder.

Then.... Man, was l young.

Then came the big task of getting my hand down to her breast.

By the time l got the nerve to move down...

...l realized that my arm was asleep.

-No? -Yeah.

There wasn't time enough to take it away, get the feeling again, and start over.

l had to be in by 1 1 :00. Time was runnin' out.

The breast was moved toward, with my arm asleep.

My first copping a feel was like this.

That doesn't even count.

Then l see the guys. You were there.

They say, ''Did you cop a feel?''

l said, ''Yeah.'' The guys said, ''How was it?'' l said, ''Great.''

Do you mean to tell me that you never copped a feel from Ruth Ray?

No.

You lied to me?

-l ought to kill you. -You believed me.

l was dumb.

And you believed me, you dick.

Yeah, the whole thing with girls is painful.

And it seems like it keeps getting more painful instead of easier.

Hey, Boog's here.

Where were you tonight? We missed you Boog?

Yeah. You chicken out?

Yep, l chickened out.

Listen, Boog. l think you should get out of here.

Tank's inside.

Why don't you wait out here till he splits?

He's just going to catch up with me sooner or later.

l mean the hand is dealt. l might as well just play the cards.

What do you think we should do, in case something happens?

l don't know.

How're you doin', Tank?

You're a lucky man, Boog.

Yeah. ls that so?

This donkey in here, Bagel, he paid your whole tab.

Bagel paid the money that l owe you?

Yeah, Boog. You're straight, like an arrow.

Shame, shame.

-Hey, Tank. -Yeah?

All right, Boogie!

l owed you that.

What a punch!

Nice punch, Boogie. He put him down.

Smile of the week. Definitely the smile of the week!

-What do you say, George? -Nothing.

Thanks a lot, Bagel. l really appreciate it.

Your mother called me.

-She did? -Yeah. She was hysterical.

So, out of respect for your father.

Your mother told me you're just wasting your time in law school.

lt's not for you. What do you say?

She's probably right.

So, why don't you come work for me?

You can't imagine...

...how much money there is to be made in the home-improvement business.

And l can't think of anybody who'd do it better than you would.

l'll tell ya. l was only going to law school...

...as a come-on for the girls.

They like that.

-Do they like it a lot? -Yeah. They like it.

l mean, what the hell? l could lie.

Florence, could l have some French fries with gravy please?

We'll call the $2,000 an advance.

Okay, but l've got to tell you something, Bagel.

l'll work with you for a little while until we square it off.

But, you know l got plans.

Always a dreamer, hey, Boog?

lf you don't have good dreams, Bagel, you got nightmares.

l'll tell you one thing that happens when you get married.

You have to give up your old friends.

Because the wife wants you to get new friends.

And new friends?

Nope. Cause you and me, buddy...

...we got secrets she'll never know.

Never know. Those new friends could never be as good.

Nope.

We've got a history.

A history.

lt won't change, Ed. Only if you let it.

This is getting me crazy. Come on. Pick it up, guys!

You want to pick up the beat?

-Be quiet or we'll get thrown out. -You going to pick up the beat?

lt's classical.

That's crazy, man.

l'll pay for it. No problem.

My buddy!

That's better.

Come on, honey. You can shake it.

Billy, you've got magic fingers.

A regular Fats Domino.

Hold on a second.

Come on. Firstjoke you remember.

Fifth grade, Junior Scholastic Magazine.

Okay. ''Hickory dickory doc. The mouse ran up the clock.

''The clock struck one, and the other two escaped with minor injuries.''

-That's terrible. -Fifth-grade humor.

Since then, it's moved up to the sixth grade. ls that it?

-You're all right. -You guys have really made my night.

You should come down and hang out more often.

l can't. l'm gettin' married.

She would have gotten the Alan Ameche question that Shrev screwed up.

-Benefit of the doubt. -Exactly.

l love weddings.

l just never found the time to settle, or even wanted to.

And you?

No marriage.

Got a girl?

Not really. Just in love.

-Does the girl know? -Yeah, l told her about it.

Told her.

Didn't you show her?

Nice morning.

Yes, it is.

Mornings, l've often felt, are a nice time to ride.

-Do you live around here? -Not around here. Here.

Which means, you're trespassing.

-l'm just waiting for an invite. -So, let's ride.

What's your name?

Boogie.

-Boogie? -Bobby Sheftell.

lsn't she beautiful?

-What is that music? -lt's the Colt's marching song.

lt's very tasteful. Very tasteful.

ln the presence of this company as witness, you have spoken the words...

...and performed the rites which unite your lives.

l therefore declare, you Edward, and you Elyse...

...husband and wife.

And now l ask you, and all your dear ones here...

...to bow your heads in reverence.

Silently, let us pray, that God will bless your home...

...and help you to achieve your highest hopes.

Amen.

-You look very pretty. -Thank you.

Blue becomes you.

l made us some reservations...

...for the summer in the Poconos.

For how long?

l think we might go for 10 days.

Ten days is good, yeah.

l'm thinking of going to Europe.

Why don't you stay in the United States and just travel around?

l don't know. lt's been done. Europe. Europe looks like a smile.

Yes, l'll have my master's in business.

And then, l guess l'll come back.

''Blue moon

''You saw me standing alone''

Every time we go to a wedding, we have to listen to this guy.

''Without a dream in my heart....''

l'll visit you, of course.

l'm not moving to another country.

Please come back soon. l'll make you sandwiches. All right?

''Blue moon

''You knewjust what I was there for

''You heard me say a prayer for....''

l'm getting some hors d'oeuvres. Would you like any?

Yeah, Bobby. Can l have a few more of whatever these are?

They're good. Thank you.

Hi, boys.

Hello, test.

I don't want to bother you. Ijust wanted to say a few words.

I didn't prepare anything or anything.

The guys told me to come up and say a few words.

I was thinking that now that Eddie's getting married, and...

...he won't really be hanging out with the guys anymore...

...Ijust wanted to say that we were never really that crazy about you.

I'll be quite honest.

I didn't want to tell you sooner because you're a sensitive person.

Ijust want to thank everybody who's responsible for your being here.

I don't know if everybody knows what Elyse had to go through to get married.

She was two points away from spending the rest of her life by herself.

It was very.... It was a sad thing.

And now she knows more about football than most girls in America.

It's important, it really is.

We all know most marriages depend on a firm grasp of football trivia.

Eddie gets crazy sometimes with sports. I don't know if you know him, but...

...it's one thing to dress the room in blue and white, with banners...

...and the cake in the shape of a football. It was a little too much.

I thought it was out of line when Eddie asked the Rabbi...

...to wear black and white stripes and a whistle. That was wrong.

Would you look at this?

Another article talking about this theory of evolution.

Can I have the sport's page?

Do you believe this? I don't buy the whole thing.

They're saying that millions of years ago there was a swamp.

I don't want to hear it.

In the middle of this murky, disgusting, boggy water swamp, there's an amoeba.

This amoeba meets another amoeba...

...and they have a kid who's a fish who crawls onto land.

And from one lousy amoeba millions of years ago...

...that today there's some guy with a winter coat on a corner yelling ''Taxi!''

Where's that connection? How can that possibly be?

-An amoeba has no legs. -Why do you care how we evolved?

They can float.

-We're all animals. -You're going to argue this with him?

It's notjust people. It's not even animals, chickens, come on.

-How could chickens live in a swamp? -That's ridiculous.

They can't even make it out of a pot of frying oil.

Think of chickens, dogs, birds, cows, little Cocker Spaniel puppies...

...living in a muddy swamp. It's enough to make you sick.

Girls don't come from the same swamp, that's for sure.

I don't know who makes up this stuff.

It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. People do not come from swamps.

They come from Europe.

-Where do people in Europe come from? -What am I? Rand-McNally? It's....

Let me ask you something personal.

Sure.

Is it true that you took out Arlene Stanton?

-You heard that? -Yeah.

Get out of here. Of course not.

Come on, it was Arlene. Would you look at her?

-Would you touch.... -Would you?

-You're embarrassed, don't want to say. -Get out of here.

-Once. I took her once. -Did you spend money on her?

I'm not marrying her. I went out for a drive.

-Why did you deny it when I asked you? -I didn't deny that.

Wouldn't you deny it?

Ijust want to ask you a question. Did you touch her, at all?

Of course not.

-Did you touch anything she touched? -Did she touch you?

You guys are sick, you know that.

I heard you kissed her goodnight.

I'm dropping her off. You got to be polite.

Remind me never to kiss you.

-I'll make a note about that one, Shrev. -Disgusting, Shrevie.

-You want to hear one? -Yeah, go.

This guy's going home from work. He has a brand new car.

-What kind of car? -Doesn't matter.

-Brand new car, it doesn't matter. -Let's hear it.

So, he pulls into this bar.

He says ''Give me, give me a scotch and soda.''

He's drunk, right.

Would you let me tell thejoke? So, he says:

''Yeah, give me a scotch and soda.'' And so the bartender says:

''Do you really think you should be having one?''

Why?

-Why what? -Why should he not be having one?

I'mjust telling you thejoke. I don't know why he asks him.

So he looks at the guy and says:

''Sir, maybe it's none of my business, but....''

-Oh, what? -He forgot something.

This guy has no arms and no legs.

-How could he drive the car? -It's a funnyjoke, but it doesn't work now.

Finish it.

No, I'm starting ajoke. I spend 10 minutes building ajoke up.

-Let him finish. -Now it's not going to be funny.

-Come on. -It's not funny now.

-Tell thejoke. -Just say it.

Do you remember that time they brought a girl in here?

When was that?

-The only girl that ever set foot.... -They brought a girl here.

There's never been a woman.

-When we were in 10th grade.... -Everyone was younger.

-This place was great then. -It was great.

Nice cars then, huh?

It used to be so cool to be older and hang out here. But now....

But now we're older, and we're cooler, and we're still hangin' out here.