Original subtitles

Fuck!

Hey, what's the ink?

"Blessed is he who bestows pain."

Try this piece of poetry.

It'll blow your mind.

What the hell is this doin' here?

You have to bury it deep,

deep below the place where your journey began.

Let's go back there and end it all.

Hello pussies!

That didn't work.

You have to use the Kandarian Dagger

to de-face the book.

Kumaarizma.

Pablo!

You have no idea what you're doin'!

Help!

Do something!

Of course I know what I'm doing.

I wrote this book.

- Help them! - Help them!

You wrote it?

Come on!

Pablo stay calm.

- You mean like, the whole thing? - We're gonna get it off...

Yes, and now that you've returned it to me,

everything in here will be let loose upon the world.

Well, aren't we the tricky little bitch.

Please, help get it off my face!

Baby, I've missed ya!

Wow, I dumped you at just the right time.

Pucker up and give me a kiss!

Fat fuckin' chance!

Oh, oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Kelly, please, help!

Get it off of my face!

Stay back,

he's mine!

No!

Kelly! Kelly!

Come on!

I'm gonna swallow your soul!

Amanda, whenever you think about us,

you might wanna forget this part!

Pablo?

Pablo?!

Aw, crap.

Okay.

That lady has my book, and she has my Pablo.

I gotta save him.

I'm not losin' anybody else I care about.

That includes me, right?

Of course.

And, and me.

Um, yeah.

Yeah sure, just, you know, stay close to her.

What the hell is happenin' down there?

I have no idea.

Guy at the bookstore said

The Necronomicon was written by The Dark Ones.

So, that's what we're dealin' with.

The Dark Ones?

That's a rough nickname.

Yeah, well, at least they're honest.

We know she's not down there startin' a charity.

She's gonna take that Book, and summon who knows what.

What, like more, more demons?

Yeah, demons, devils,

things that go bump in the night.

All right, I'm goin' down there.

Kelly, other girl,

you stay here and guard this door,

make sure it stays open.

I've been stuck down there before,

and it's not exactly Mardi Gras.

No, I'm coming with you.

No, you're not. That's a bad idea.

No, it's a bad idea to go alone.

Come on.

- She can walk fine. - Mm-hm.

That's my Pablo down there too.

Ash...

I'm gonna pop that tall bitch right in the face.

Okay... let's end this.

Oh, maybe it was just a rat.

Who knows?

Ash!

What the fuck...?

"The fuck" what?

Oh, ha-ha, hi...

Lilly, Lilith,

mm, Anna Mae...?

- Lucy. - Oh, yeah.

I never would have got that.

Come on.

Are you gonna read your poetry to me, or what?

You mean this?

You said you would.

Please?

Yeah, I don't know.

Uh, I think I already read this to you, didn't I?

- No... - No?

I think I'd remember that.

Wait a minute.

You think this could all just be a dream then?

All what?

Reading from the book, people gettin' possessed,

bringin' out the chainsaw, the boomstick,

choppin' people up.

I don't know about any of that.

Doesn't sound like fun.

Yeah, no shit, doll-face.

I was doin' the choppin'.

So then...

you don't wanna read that book to me?

Oh, hell no.

Then don't.

Shit on a biscuit!

Colorful language.

You've always been good with words.

Don't act like you know me.

Oh, but I do.

See one day long ago, you appeared in my book.

El Jefe.

That's Mister Jefe to you.

And I knew, that you were the one

who was destined to stand against me.

But the end of your story's not yet written.

Now Ash, do you really think that I want you,

and your little friends to die?

Yes?

No.

I just want things to go back

to the way they were,

when The Dark Ones ruled over the evil forces on Earth.

Yeah, well, I just wanna bang

Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island,

but that ain't gonna happen.

The world is in chaos,

and I want order.

To consolidate the dark forces under one ruler.

Me.

Oh, so you're the good guy now?

What, you wanna control all these demons

like The Godfather?

Exactly.

Yeah, well, I hated that movie.

Too long and boring, and not enough boobies.

I'm more of a Death Wish kinda guy.

You are the one obstacle in my way.

So, what's your price?

What do you really want?

What do I want?

I want this to be done.

I want the last 40 years of my life...

10 years.

I want the last years of my life to be worth living.

I want a 20 ounce steak every night for dinner.

A little pad of butter right there.

I want cable TV, with all the premium channels.

And Jacksonville.

Take it.

I can give you all of that.

Oh, okay. No, no, no.

You're just tryin' to beguile me

with those radar eyes of yours.

I call bullshit!

What you should be calling is a truce.

Lay down your weapons,

and go back to your life.

I am offering you

the undo button you wanted.

Take it.

Truce?

I could get into that.

Or...

I could kill you now!

Oh, oh, shit.

Kelly! Open up!

Help me pull.

Ah, shit!

God damn it.

Maybe I should've taken that deal.

Don't worry, Pedro, I'm comin' for ya!

Ah, ah, Pablo, I meant Pablo.

Jesus, must've really whacked my beaner.

Ah, fuck!

It's never gonna open.

Not if I have somethin' to say about it.

Get out of the way.

Oh, fuck!

- Fuck! - Is that the old guy's blood?

No, it's the cabin fuckin' with us!

...a number of years now

since I began excavating the ruins of Kandar,

with a group of my colleagues.

Now my wife and I...

We need to get out of here, Kelly, okay?

We need to leave. Like now.

I hate this place!

Well, then let's just go!

Are you high?!

Those are my friends trapped down there.

Yes, but we don't have to be, okay?!

I didn't even wanna be here!

I didn't even want to go hiking!

I hate hiking, and now we're gonna die in here!

You realize it don't you?!

A volume of ancient Sumerian burial practices,

and funerary...

Oh, my... what?

Oh, my God!

Get ahold of yourself, woman!

Hey, you know I've always wanted to do that.

Real talk time. Okay?

Yeah?

You stick here with me, we can help Ash and Pablo,

and maybe have a chance to see tomorrow.

We walk out now, and there won't be a tomorrow...

but you know what?

You will make a really pretty corpse.

Don't talk down to me, all right?

I'm studying to be a dental hygienist,

and I don't need...

- Help...! - Heather!

Somebody!

Kelly, Kelly...!

Kelly, help! Kelly...!

Heather!

Kelly, help me!

Kelly!

Help me!

Ash, somebody!

Kelly!

- Help me, please! - Shh.

Please, no.

- I can't do this. - You have to do this.

You are the Ore Magnus Necronomicon.

Please?

Please kill me now.

You will be dead

as soon as all my children are free.

Akka-Mana, Demonium.

Akka-Mana, Demonium.

The fuck are you doin', Ruby?

Abomino coznius!

Abomino coz...

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, God damn.

That's why I didn't have kids.

Daknar Abomino...

Daknar Abomino,

Abomino exitus.

The fuck was that?

Heather!

Help me! It's attacking me!

Heather, you gotta get to that door!

Right now!

No! I'm gonna die in here!

No, you're not! You listen to me, okay?

You are gonna go on, and be the best,

dental hygienist that ever lived in the history of England,

or wherever it is you're from!

Oh, shit!

Heather!

Heather?!

Heather!

Ash has failed!

The world belongs to us now.

Mankind is doomed,

and as for your boyfriend Pablo...

He's not my boyfriend!

It's just you and me now.

Ash, let's do this.

I'm Ruby, I'm The Dark One.

I wrote The Necronomicon.

Yeah? I don't give a shit!

You fucked things up worse

than I ever fucked things up lady,

so fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

Guess what, there's a new sheriff in town.

Ah! Creepy kid.

All right look, I'm gonna count to three.

You better be gone. You got that?

One...

two...

it's a fuckin' shotgun, kid!

Last chance...

three.

Get off me!

Get off me you little shit!

Now I got ya.

Someone needs to wash your mouth out, kid.

And that someone is me.

What are you gonna do now, ha!

Homemade flamethrower...

Pablo would be proud.

Yeah! Whoo!

How does it feel?!

Okay kids, the birthday party is over.

Well, that was easy.

Okay, let's close the show with a little neck music.

Whoa! Yes!

Burn baby!

Okay! Okay!

Pablo, the hell are you doin'?

It's me!

Ash...

I have no choice!

You're a dead man, Ash.

Don't Pablo. I'm not gonna fight you.

I don't wanna lose anybody else!

Ash?

Ash...

Ash, I... I, I...

Ash, I'm still gonna kill you.

Ash?

Pablo?

Pablo, don't! Don't!

I don't wanna hurt you!

It's over.

Just do it! Behead me!

No!

Let go my blade!

Kill me, please!

- Kill me! - No!

Kill me!

You forgot to remind me to gas her up!

Pablo, you beautiful idiot!

Now it's your turn.

In your next life, learn to read.

Stop!

What the hell?

Your stupid mortal toys mean nothing to me.

But before I kill you, my book needs a new cover.

A new what-what?

Oh, no, no, no! Not me!

Oh, no!

Not the face!

Not the face!

Wait! Wait, wait, wait!

I just gotta know, have you lost weight?

Pablo!

Well, I guess this doesn't count

as one of my "Stupid mortal toys."

Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this, Ruby,

'cause I dislike you, a lot.

You get that fuckin' book off my friend's face.

Stop!

Or what?

Gonna kill me?

- You do it, and they're both dead. - Pablo!

Ash! Ash, help!

I'm killing her!

And after The Book has killed her,

it'll kill him too.

Nothing you can do about it.

Except kill you.

Or... you could take the deal.

Think about it Ash.

You are old, and fat and weak.

You cannot keep this up forever.

Lay down your weapons and go back to your life.

You know that deep down we both want the same thing.

No, pretty sure I don't wanna destroy humanity.

I don't wanna destroy anything.

I want humanity to flourish.

Without good, there is no evil.

I just want evil under control,

same as you.

Difference is, you never signed up for any of this.

Ash, your entire life has been marked by tragedy,

and desperation, and a woeful inadequacy.

I get the idea.

Just take the deal.

It's what you've always wanted.

No.

It's not just about my life anymore.

I want their lives back too!

They're comin' with me.

I can do that.

Prove it.

Eximo Libellus.

Okay, we're halfway there.

- Pablo too. - Do we have a deal?

Ash, no!

What I let out there, it's...

it's terrible.

You, you, you can't just do this!

Hey, I'm doin' this for you buddy,

so a little thanks might be nice.

Look, she's just gonna Godfather

all the demons together,

make the world a better place.

That logic seems wrong.

Look, you're just gonna have to trust me on this one.

Let her be the gatekeeper.

It's better for all of us.

Okay, normal life, in Jacksonville,

the three of us...

and $10,000 in cash.

I'm not a bank.

Gas money? You got that?

Oh, sure. For gas money.

Huh?

Huh?

Yeah...

What?

Okay...

but I'm keepin' this just for insurance.

Truce.

No, Ash!

You have no idea

what's out there!

No!

Ah, good fishin'.

That's what's out there.

I can't believe you did that.

I can...

after a lifetime of gettin' the short end of the stick,

I finally got the big end,

and I grabbed that big old stick by the balls, baby.

That's one way to look at it.

The other, correct way,

is that evil's gonna take over the world.

You seen the world lately?

Same diff.

Plus Ruby said she'd keep a lid on all this.

So we're all good.

Nothin' to do but eat, sleep,

and live off the fat of the land.

This is an emergency report.

Wait, wait, wait. Turn that up.

All residents in Antrim County, should stay in your homes.

I repeat, stay in your homes.

Massive sinkholes have been opening all over the city...

Ah-ha, you know the news.

It's always so depressing.

Hey! Who's hungry?

Time for some road trip burgers, your treat!

Jacksonville, here we come!

Oh, yeah!

Whoo!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx