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[LAUGHING] Yes!
2
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Yes!
3
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Death.
4
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Mr. Griffin?
5
00:00:11,378 --> 00:00:13,045
What? What? I-I told you
6
00:00:13,047 --> 00:00:14,446
today was a day for quiet reflection.
7
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Can we at least do a Miles Mission?
8
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Not needed today.
9
00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:19,559
I'm writing a book
that's going to crush him,
10
00:00:19,584 --> 00:00:21,086
so everyone stop talking.
11
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Just go to sleep. Does
anyone know any lullabies?
12
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,958
♪ The sun is yawning ♪
13
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♪ It's sleepy-time ♪
14
00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:30,929
♪ Dreams are spawning ♪
15
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♪ Clouds decline ♪
16
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O-okay. Interesting.
17
00:00:34,488 --> 00:00:36,268
Is that an original? Yeah?
18
00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:38,270
All right, well, I have a
lot of follow-up questions,
19
00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:40,472
but I will not get sucked
into any of this today.
20
00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:43,442
[PIXIES' "U-MASS"]
21
00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:49,681
♪
22
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♪ In the sleepy west ♪
23
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- ♪ Of the woody east ♪
- _
24
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♪ Is a valley full ♪
25
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♪ Full o' pioneer ♪
26
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- ♪ We're not just kids ♪
-
27
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♪ To say the least ♪
28
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♪ We got ideas ♪
29
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:07,366
♪ To us that's dear ♪
30
00:01:07,368 --> 00:01:09,501
- ♪ Like capitalist ♪
- _
31
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:10,936
♪ Like communist ♪
32
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[MECHANICAL CLANKING]
33
00:01:11,906 --> 00:01:12,905
[YELPS] Ah!
34
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Stupid water heater!
35
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♪ You've heard about ♪
36
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♪ And redneckers ♪
37
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- ♪ They get us pissed ♪
- _
38
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- [MUSIC STOPS]
- [EXHALES]
39
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Jack, my friend, you just wrote your way
40
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out of this dried-up turd of a town.
41
00:01:30,711 --> 00:01:33,733
Did you just call Toledo
a dried-up turd town?
42
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I did. I did, and it is.
43
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And thanks to this book I finished,
44
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I will not be here much
longer, hence the champagne.
45
00:01:41,148 --> 00:01:42,832
It's a beautiful day outside.
46
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Why don't we call it early?
47
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Cheers, guys!
48
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[CHUCKLES]
49
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- [DOOR CLOSES]
- We've got some time.
50
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How about the rest of that lullaby?
51
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Sure!
52
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♪ The sun is yawning ♪
53
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[RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART"]
54
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- ♪ It's sleepy-time ♪
- One, two, three, four!
55
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♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪
56
00:02:01,071 --> 00:02:04,173
♪ Next time, well,
I'll be smart ♪
57
00:02:04,175 --> 00:02:11,146
♪
58
00:02:20,291 --> 00:02:22,558
[CELL PHONE CHIMING]
59
00:02:24,228 --> 00:02:25,738
Hey! Jack-O!
60
00:02:25,738 --> 00:02:27,031
I got your text.
61
00:02:27,173 --> 00:02:28,568
What's the big news?
62
00:02:28,568 --> 00:02:30,535
Well, I just finished writing a new book,
63
00:02:30,538 --> 00:02:33,145
and I'm gonna expose you
for the fraud you are.
64
00:02:33,169 --> 00:02:34,673
Yeah, it's my friend Jack.
65
00:02:34,675 --> 00:02:35,808
He wrote a book!
66
00:02:35,810 --> 00:02:37,543
- Jack!
- Way to go!
67
00:02:37,545 --> 00:02:39,211
- Are you at a party?
- Uh, no, more of a...
68
00:02:39,213 --> 00:02:41,434
It's like a chill sesh, really.
69
00:02:41,539 --> 00:02:44,821
Um, that's David Eggleston,
my, uh, publisher.
70
00:02:45,271 --> 00:02:47,871
Steve Jones... from the Sex Pistols!
71
00:02:47,872 --> 00:02:50,039
[LAUGHS] And, uh, Bill Nye!
72
00:02:50,041 --> 00:02:51,474
I'm sorry, what is happening?
73
00:02:51,476 --> 00:02:53,508
We're all in the same meditation class.
74
00:02:53,645 --> 00:02:55,521
Oh, and this is Fiona.
75
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Uh, she's a model.
76
00:02:56,926 --> 00:02:58,361
At Warby Parker!
77
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Clever as well.
78
00:03:00,396 --> 00:03:01,462
Where are you?
79
00:03:01,464 --> 00:03:02,797
Oh, I'm, um...
80
00:03:02,998 --> 00:03:04,832
I'm actually also... I'm at my
81
00:03:04,834 --> 00:03:06,667
lady friend's apartment.
82
00:03:06,669 --> 00:03:08,235
Is she 75? [LAUGHS]
83
00:03:08,237 --> 00:03:10,671
All this old lady stuff
is... She's being ironic.
84
00:03:10,673 --> 00:03:12,139
- You know.
- Yo, what's up, Jack?
85
00:03:12,141 --> 00:03:14,851
Oh! Flav's here with the nachos!
86
00:03:14,914 --> 00:03:17,421
Wait, Flavor Flav was
in your meditation class?
87
00:03:17,446 --> 00:03:19,446
No. I'm just a fan of Miles.
88
00:03:19,448 --> 00:03:21,181
His book changed my life.
89
00:03:21,183 --> 00:03:22,716
Philosophy, boy-ee!
90
00:03:22,718 --> 00:03:25,953
Ah! So, what's your
book about... boy-ee?
91
00:03:25,955 --> 00:03:27,488
Well, I can tell you what it isn't.
92
00:03:27,490 --> 00:03:28,922
It's not some upbeat pop philosophy
93
00:03:28,924 --> 00:03:30,891
with a dumb title like "A Hundred Smiles"
94
00:03:30,893 --> 00:03:32,693
- "in Your Pocket" or some...
- [LAUGHS]
95
00:03:32,695 --> 00:03:34,628
Yeah, no, my book is the real deal.
96
00:03:34,630 --> 00:03:36,630
It's called "The End:
A Philosophy of Death."
97
00:03:36,632 --> 00:03:39,299
It's tough stuff, but I think
it's really gonna resonate.
98
00:03:39,301 --> 00:03:41,935
Hey! Eggleston's one
of the top boys as Colfax.
99
00:03:41,937 --> 00:03:43,403
Have you sent them a copy?
100
00:03:43,405 --> 00:03:45,038
Yes, Miles, I didn't forget to send
101
00:03:45,063 --> 00:03:46,091
my book out to one of the biggest
102
00:03:46,116 --> 00:03:47,118
publishing houses in the country.
103
00:03:47,147 --> 00:03:48,951
Great, then I shall put in a good word.
104
00:03:48,992 --> 00:03:51,959
Not to brag, but they're
kind of obsessed with me.
105
00:03:51,984 --> 00:03:53,821
- He's the best!
- Oh, shut up.
106
00:03:53,846 --> 00:03:55,079
Oh, it... Ah, he...
107
00:03:55,081 --> 00:03:56,514
Listen, we gotta go, Jack, uh,
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00:03:56,516 --> 00:03:58,516
because David Blaine's about to levitate
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on the driveway.
110
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See ya!
111
00:04:01,420 --> 00:04:03,754
Why is Miles getting to
hang out with a Sex Pistol?
112
00:04:03,756 --> 00:04:05,456
I should be hanging out with a Sex Pistol.
113
00:04:05,458 --> 00:04:06,757
[UPBEAT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
114
00:04:06,759 --> 00:04:08,884
- You gotta get the...
- I know...
115
00:04:09,862 --> 00:04:13,232
Oh, look at you two
sharing another Cobb salad.
116
00:04:13,264 --> 00:04:14,565
You know what I say.
117
00:04:14,567 --> 00:04:16,433
Share everything except negativity.
118
00:04:16,435 --> 00:04:18,169
- BOTH: Mm-hmm.
- And napkins.
119
00:04:18,171 --> 00:04:20,004
- Yeah, we're with you.
- Oh, crap!
120
00:04:20,166 --> 00:04:22,821
Superintendent's been
on hold for 42 minutes.
121
00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:24,233
- Wow.
- Good job, Helen.
122
00:04:24,582 --> 00:04:27,250
Okay, guys, uh, we need to update
123
00:04:27,252 --> 00:04:29,434
everyone's emergency contact info.
124
00:04:29,434 --> 00:04:32,472
As you know, last week,
Mrs. Kenwood had a fall.
125
00:04:32,472 --> 00:04:34,438
We called her emergency contact.
126
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,016
Turns out it was her ex-boyfriend
127
00:04:37,223 --> 00:04:38,522
and current stalker.
128
00:04:38,524 --> 00:04:40,090
Long story short, he already knew.
129
00:04:40,092 --> 00:04:41,425
Not a good guy. Okay.
130
00:04:41,427 --> 00:04:42,926
So let's get started.
131
00:04:42,928 --> 00:04:46,230
Michelle has put down her husband, Keith.
132
00:04:46,232 --> 00:04:47,470
Dreamboat alert!
133
00:04:47,470 --> 00:04:49,003
Michelle, please, we need
to get through this quickly.
134
00:04:49,005 --> 00:04:50,471
Stef has put down Mary.
135
00:04:50,473 --> 00:04:51,806
Cobb club!
136
00:04:51,808 --> 00:04:53,602
Okay, can we just... Thank you.
137
00:04:53,725 --> 00:04:57,193
Mary has put down Michelle,
and Cathy has put down Ben...
138
00:04:57,218 --> 00:04:59,395
Wait. What did you just say?
139
00:04:59,620 --> 00:05:02,488
Mary, what is the deal, girl?
140
00:05:02,490 --> 00:05:04,223
We were sitting next to each other
141
00:05:04,225 --> 00:05:05,348
when we filled these out.
142
00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:08,180
I put you down, and I
told you to put me down.
143
00:05:08,216 --> 00:05:10,979
Right, you definitely
told me to put you down,
144
00:05:10,979 --> 00:05:12,679
but I'm a grown-ass woman, so I decided
145
00:05:12,681 --> 00:05:14,052
to put Michelle down.
146
00:05:14,149 --> 00:05:16,183
Don't have a Stef
freak-out and start yelling.
147
00:05:16,185 --> 00:05:17,417
I am not yelling!
148
00:05:17,419 --> 00:05:18,618
Ralph, am I yelling?
149
00:05:18,620 --> 00:05:19,753
Ralph, would you call this yelling?
150
00:05:19,755 --> 00:05:21,354
Would you consider this a yell?
151
00:05:21,356 --> 00:05:23,290
'Cause I think this is a
very low-decibel "Ralph"!
152
00:05:23,292 --> 00:05:25,792
- Ralph, when someone yells...
- I don't even yell, Ralph!
153
00:05:25,794 --> 00:05:27,120
I have a change of voice, Ralph!
154
00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:28,830
Hey! Oh, I can't do this. Walk away, Ralph.
155
00:05:28,830 --> 00:05:29,958
You know what?
156
00:05:30,198 --> 00:05:32,331
You can share your lunch with someone else.
157
00:05:32,852 --> 00:05:35,260
And give me my damn tomato.
158
00:05:35,323 --> 00:05:36,402
This is mine.
159
00:05:39,327 --> 00:05:41,160
You can have half my beefy broccoli.
160
00:05:41,416 --> 00:05:43,495
It really needs to be eaten today.
161
00:05:43,495 --> 00:05:45,708
It's right on the edge.
162
00:05:49,067 --> 00:05:50,806
- [UPBEAT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
- _
163
00:05:50,831 --> 00:05:52,690
- All right, well, you didn't get it.
- _
164
00:05:53,104 --> 00:05:55,238
- ♪
- _
165
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:57,240
- Oh, come on.
- _
166
00:05:57,242 --> 00:06:00,525
- ♪
- _
167
00:06:00,525 --> 00:06:02,091
Even the Germans?
168
00:06:04,522 --> 00:06:06,489
Tell you guys, man, the
whole publishing world now
169
00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:08,290
is filled with a bunch
of corporate frat guys
170
00:06:08,292 --> 00:06:10,259
just so busy high-fiving themselves
171
00:06:10,261 --> 00:06:12,945
and quoting "Scarface"
to appreciate real genius.
172
00:06:13,495 --> 00:06:15,831
I'm gonna be stuck in this
dead-end hell town forever.
173
00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:18,133
Yesterday you called it
a dried-up turd town.
174
00:06:18,313 --> 00:06:20,528
Sounds like you're warming up to Toledo.
175
00:06:20,528 --> 00:06:21,639
[CELL PHONE CHIMING]
176
00:06:21,639 --> 00:06:22,972
Uh, quick, everybody, uh, pretend
177
00:06:22,974 --> 00:06:25,007
you're at a fancy cocktail party.
178
00:06:25,415 --> 00:06:27,282
This is a wonderful fancy cocktail.
179
00:06:27,284 --> 00:06:30,487
Free shrimp, I can just...
eat as much shrimp as I want?
180
00:06:30,487 --> 00:06:31,982
- All of it?
- Alcohol.
181
00:06:32,529 --> 00:06:33,928
Because we're grown-ups.
182
00:06:34,113 --> 00:06:36,847
- Stop! Okay. All right.
- That's enough. Plan B.
183
00:06:36,849 --> 00:06:38,115
Just cover your mouths and shut up.
184
00:06:38,117 --> 00:06:39,917
Don't say anything. Hello! Miles!
185
00:06:39,919 --> 00:06:40,989
Hey! Jack-O.
186
00:06:40,989 --> 00:06:42,020
Brilliant news.
187
00:06:42,020 --> 00:06:43,490
My publishers want to work with you.
188
00:06:43,492 --> 00:06:45,358
Your publishers want to work with me?
189
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:46,926
Great, well, tell 'em they better hurry up
190
00:06:46,928 --> 00:06:48,628
'cause I'm about to close a number of deals
191
00:06:48,630 --> 00:06:50,230
on "A Philosophy of Death."
192
00:06:50,232 --> 00:06:51,398
You know, big deals.
193
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,233
A big number of-of big deals.
194
00:06:53,235 --> 00:06:55,502
No, uh, not a problem,
'cause the guys at Colfax
195
00:06:55,504 --> 00:06:57,337
didn't actually want that book.
196
00:06:57,339 --> 00:06:59,654
They felt it was a little dark.
197
00:06:59,679 --> 00:07:01,150
But they loved your other idea.
198
00:07:01,175 --> 00:07:02,252
What other idea?
199
00:07:02,252 --> 00:07:03,785
"A Hundred Smiles in Your Pocket."
200
00:07:04,035 --> 00:07:06,669
- I was being sarcastic.
- Uh, oh, were you?
201
00:07:06,671 --> 00:07:08,137
Well, they love it.
202
00:07:08,139 --> 00:07:10,572
A hundred fun, easily digestible
203
00:07:10,574 --> 00:07:12,574
philosophy nuggets that help you smile!
204
00:07:12,576 --> 00:07:13,909
I've got the lemons!
205
00:07:13,911 --> 00:07:15,711
Steve, mate, I'm on the blower here, bro.
206
00:07:15,713 --> 00:07:18,347
S-sorry, Jack, it's Steve Jones.
207
00:07:18,349 --> 00:07:20,282
Steve Jones from the Sex Pistols?
208
00:07:20,381 --> 00:07:22,373
Are you kidding me, Miles,
what is happening over there?
209
00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:23,430
I know, right?
210
00:07:23,587 --> 00:07:25,222
Weirdest week ever.
211
00:07:25,222 --> 00:07:26,537
Yeah, all right, well, you know,
212
00:07:26,562 --> 00:07:27,723
look, I'm not a sellout,
213
00:07:27,725 --> 00:07:28,824
so why don't you go ahead
214
00:07:28,826 --> 00:07:29,992
and find some other clown
215
00:07:29,994 --> 00:07:31,144
to fill your pants with smiles?
216
00:07:31,144 --> 00:07:33,398
Ah, mm, that's a shame, 'cause, I mean,
217
00:07:33,423 --> 00:07:35,962
it would mean a $40,000 advance.
218
00:07:36,526 --> 00:07:39,156
Uh, 40... Well, yeah, I'm gonna do it!
219
00:07:39,477 --> 00:07:41,610
I mean, of course I'm gonna...
220
00:07:41,635 --> 00:07:42,935
What was the idea, though, again?
221
00:07:43,133 --> 00:07:45,046
"A Mile of Smiles in Your Bonnet"?
222
00:07:45,206 --> 00:07:46,572
I'll write it down this time.
223
00:07:49,351 --> 00:07:50,384
[CHUCKLES]
224
00:07:50,386 --> 00:07:52,567
Oh, magnificent.
225
00:07:52,592 --> 00:07:54,058
Your new water heater's ready to go.
226
00:07:54,060 --> 00:07:56,488
- Great!
- Thank you, Jiffy.
227
00:07:56,816 --> 00:07:58,196
That's the name of the company.
228
00:07:58,198 --> 00:08:00,164
- My name's Don.
- Your name's Don?
229
00:08:00,166 --> 00:08:01,792
Well, how was I supposed to know that?
230
00:08:02,135 --> 00:08:03,267
All right, well, I don't have time
231
00:08:03,269 --> 00:08:04,602
to read your whole shirt, pal.
232
00:08:04,604 --> 00:08:06,223
All right, thanks. Take care.
233
00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:08,473
All right, you're all set.
234
00:08:08,475 --> 00:08:09,907
Time for you to get to know your remote.
235
00:08:09,909 --> 00:08:11,309
I-I think I got it, man.
236
00:08:11,311 --> 00:08:13,144
Um, and do me a favor, leave the box.
237
00:08:13,146 --> 00:08:14,946
I think I'm gonna be moving
to New York City soon.
238
00:08:14,948 --> 00:08:16,147
Yeah, oh, and, uh, why don't you get
239
00:08:16,149 --> 00:08:17,415
something nice for your wife?
240
00:08:17,417 --> 00:08:18,716
Ooh. Thank you.
241
00:08:18,718 --> 00:08:20,279
But I do not have a wife.
242
00:08:20,387 --> 00:08:21,652
I want a wife so much.
243
00:08:21,654 --> 00:08:23,187
Okay. All right. Off you go.
244
00:08:23,189 --> 00:08:24,253
Thank you.
245
00:08:25,825 --> 00:08:28,059
[CELL PHONE CHIMING AND BUZZING]
246
00:08:32,499 --> 00:08:34,565
Hey! Miles.
247
00:08:34,567 --> 00:08:36,968
Howdy-hi, Jack-O! How's
the book coming along?
248
00:08:36,970 --> 00:08:38,736
It's going great... Hey, speaking of, uh,
249
00:08:38,738 --> 00:08:41,806
when can I expect that,
uh, money to hit my account?
250
00:08:41,808 --> 00:08:43,508
Listen, that's why I'm calling you.
251
00:08:43,510 --> 00:08:45,243
You need to fly out to New York on Friday
252
00:08:45,245 --> 00:08:47,211
and just do a little
dog and pony show
253
00:08:47,213 --> 00:08:48,726
for the guys at Colfax.
254
00:08:48,726 --> 00:08:50,425
So, what, I gotta bro out
with a bunch of middle-aged
255
00:08:50,427 --> 00:08:52,461
frat guys who know
nothing about good writing?
256
00:08:52,463 --> 00:08:54,723
No, you just gotta present some "smiles."
257
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,287
Sure, man. Uh, yeah, whatever.
258
00:08:57,289 --> 00:08:59,155
Well, then, I shall
tell them full steam ahead.
259
00:08:59,157 --> 00:09:01,391
Listen, I've gotta
go... Me and David Blaine
260
00:09:01,393 --> 00:09:02,525
are getting our teeth whitened.
261
00:09:02,527 --> 00:09:03,874
More. [LAUGHS]
262
00:09:03,874 --> 00:09:05,283
Mental. Ciao for now.
263
00:09:05,315 --> 00:09:06,314
Aw!
264
00:09:06,316 --> 00:09:07,615
Why does he get to...
265
00:09:07,617 --> 00:09:10,752
[UPBEAT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
266
00:09:10,754 --> 00:09:11,978
Excuse me.
267
00:09:12,756 --> 00:09:13,921
Hey, Jack!
268
00:09:14,357 --> 00:09:16,324
Have you ever seen a turtle
269
00:09:16,326 --> 00:09:18,536
with a kitten riding on its back?
270
00:09:19,129 --> 00:09:20,517
Uh, no.
271
00:09:20,517 --> 00:09:22,524
Well, you got somethin'
to look forward to, hon.
272
00:09:22,524 --> 00:09:24,519
You know, this incessant happy talk
273
00:09:24,521 --> 00:09:25,745
is a form of harassment.
274
00:09:25,770 --> 00:09:26,821
Aww.
275
00:09:27,159 --> 00:09:28,654
What you got there?
276
00:09:28,654 --> 00:09:31,221
It's an Italian espresso
maker for the faculty lounge.
277
00:09:31,223 --> 00:09:33,423
Fancy. Does it make cocoa?
278
00:09:33,425 --> 00:09:35,192
Because I'm a strict cocoa-tarian.
279
00:09:35,194 --> 00:09:36,585
[WHEEZES]
280
00:09:36,584 --> 00:09:38,362
You know, I mean this
in the nicest possible way,
281
00:09:38,364 --> 00:09:41,249
but you might be the
worst person I've ever met.
282
00:09:42,771 --> 00:09:45,569
I'm gonna squeeze the candy out of ya!
283
00:09:45,571 --> 00:09:48,305
See, I really don't like blue cheese.
284
00:09:48,307 --> 00:09:49,451
Oh, just...
285
00:09:51,423 --> 00:09:53,457
Just laugh real hard at whatever I say.
286
00:09:53,459 --> 00:09:54,525
Just... yes?
287
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:55,926
Oh-ho-ho!
288
00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:57,603
[BOTH LAUGHING]
289
00:09:57,603 --> 00:09:59,443
- Hoo!
- Oh-ho!
290
00:09:59,972 --> 00:10:01,538
[BOTH LAUGHING]
291
00:10:01,540 --> 00:10:03,106
Quick, tell me the funniest thing
292
00:10:03,108 --> 00:10:04,674
you've ever heard in your entire life.
293
00:10:04,676 --> 00:10:06,776
Um... oh, well, Keith
made me the cutest lunch.
294
00:10:06,778 --> 00:10:09,194
[LAUGHS] Yes!
295
00:10:10,148 --> 00:10:12,616
- Ha-ha! You...
- [LAUGHS]
296
00:10:12,618 --> 00:10:15,485
[ALL LAUGHING]
297
00:10:17,089 --> 00:10:19,256
- [CLOCK TICKING]
- _
298
00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:21,993
You're just staring.
You're not doing anything.
299
00:10:22,911 --> 00:10:23,960
Actually...
300
00:10:25,505 --> 00:10:27,038
You know what I want to know from you guys?
301
00:10:27,134 --> 00:10:28,733
Tell me, what makes you smile?
302
00:10:28,997 --> 00:10:31,111
- This feels like a trap.
- No, no, it's not a trap.
303
00:10:31,111 --> 00:10:32,407
Come on, guys. Extra credit.
304
00:10:32,407 --> 00:10:33,835
Wh-what makes you happy?
305
00:10:33,835 --> 00:10:35,208
Getting my biology book back.
306
00:10:35,210 --> 00:10:36,609
Mutant strains.
307
00:10:36,611 --> 00:10:38,381
- My iPhone.
- "Star Wars" LEGOs.
308
00:10:38,381 --> 00:10:39,412
Dinner with my dad
309
00:10:39,414 --> 00:10:40,918
every third Wednesday.
310
00:10:40,918 --> 00:10:42,851
I got one... So an African-American,
311
00:10:42,853 --> 00:10:45,020
a Mexican-American, and
a honky walk into a bar...
312
00:10:45,022 --> 00:10:46,544
No. No. Uh-uh.
313
00:10:46,569 --> 00:10:47,956
No, we're not gonna...
We're not gonna do that.
314
00:10:47,958 --> 00:10:49,541
That's-that's not what I'm talking about.
315
00:10:49,541 --> 00:10:51,686
Think more, like, warm and fuzzy, you know?
316
00:10:51,717 --> 00:10:53,751
And-and don't be afraid to share somethin'
317
00:10:53,753 --> 00:10:55,319
that just makes you feel good.
318
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:57,881
It feels really good to pee in the shower.
319
00:10:57,921 --> 00:10:59,287
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. I know.
320
00:10:59,289 --> 00:11:01,056
But that's-that's not what I mean.
321
00:11:01,058 --> 00:11:02,290
- [FEEDBACK WHINES]
- Sorry to interrupt
322
00:11:02,290 --> 00:11:04,090
all the learnin', but I
got a little bad news.
323
00:11:04,092 --> 00:11:06,880
The wasps have overtaken
the band room again,
324
00:11:06,905 --> 00:11:08,571
so practice is canceled.
325
00:11:08,927 --> 00:11:10,124
Don't be sad, though,
326
00:11:10,123 --> 00:11:12,590
because every frown is just a smile
327
00:11:12,593 --> 00:11:14,393
you're lookin' at the wrong way!
328
00:11:14,395 --> 00:11:15,560
[FEEDBACK WHINES]
329
00:11:15,562 --> 00:11:17,696
Oh, Helen, you beautiful idiot.
330
00:11:17,698 --> 00:11:20,832
[UPBEAT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
331
00:11:20,834 --> 00:11:21,804
[DOOR CLOSES]
332
00:11:21,969 --> 00:11:28,040
♪
333
00:11:28,042 --> 00:11:29,213
Hey!
334
00:11:29,213 --> 00:11:30,609
Good morning!
335
00:11:30,611 --> 00:11:33,111
There she is. Uh, Helen, would you like
336
00:11:33,113 --> 00:11:34,993
to come to dinner tonight at my place?
337
00:11:35,103 --> 00:11:37,770
I knew I shouldn't have worn
this low-cut blouse.
338
00:11:37,772 --> 00:11:40,840
Jack, I am sorry, but
you're just not my type.
339
00:11:40,842 --> 00:11:41,941
No! No, it's not that.
340
00:11:41,943 --> 00:11:43,109
I just thought it might be nice
341
00:11:43,111 --> 00:11:44,610
for us to get to know each other.
342
00:11:44,612 --> 00:11:45,630
Really?
343
00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:48,373
Well, I would love that!
344
00:11:48,524 --> 00:11:50,958
Looks like somebody got
bit by the sweetie bug!
345
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,226
Right on my li'l bum-bum.
346
00:11:52,228 --> 00:11:53,694
- Oh!
- [LAUGHS]
347
00:11:53,696 --> 00:11:55,257
Your bum-bum!
348
00:11:55,665 --> 00:11:57,604
Oh, that's so cute!
349
00:11:57,604 --> 00:11:59,804
I have not heard "bum-bum."
350
00:12:00,221 --> 00:12:02,497
I am gonna have a nip slip on this.
351
00:12:04,926 --> 00:12:05,991
Jack.
352
00:12:06,195 --> 00:12:08,465
That was the most sumptuous plate of food
353
00:12:08,502 --> 00:12:10,101
I have ever had in my whole life.
354
00:12:10,126 --> 00:12:11,959
Yeah. Spaghetti's good.
355
00:12:11,961 --> 00:12:13,794
Uh, but listen, there is...
356
00:12:13,796 --> 00:12:15,867
another reason why I
brought you here tonight.
357
00:12:15,867 --> 00:12:17,385
Damn this blouse!
358
00:12:17,385 --> 00:12:19,503
No, Helen, it's not the...
It's never gonna be the blouse,
359
00:12:19,528 --> 00:12:21,361
all right, I just, I'm working on a book
360
00:12:21,363 --> 00:12:23,854
to help people smile, and I thought,
361
00:12:24,166 --> 00:12:27,222
well, who makes me smile more than anyone?
362
00:12:27,636 --> 00:12:29,327
- Helen?
- Yeah.
363
00:12:29,538 --> 00:12:31,138
Ha-ha. Helen does.
364
00:12:31,140 --> 00:12:33,273
So, um, I need your help.
365
00:12:33,275 --> 00:12:36,076
Oh, I'd be so honored
to help you with your book.
366
00:12:36,078 --> 00:12:37,544
You know what I always say.
367
00:12:37,546 --> 00:12:40,180
Always go for a second helping of helping!
368
00:12:40,182 --> 00:12:42,049
Okay, yes! That's the stuff I need.
369
00:12:42,051 --> 00:12:43,450
Yeah, I-I need... I need more of those.
370
00:12:43,452 --> 00:12:44,918
You got a bunch of those?
371
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:46,687
Well, how about we
get together tomorrow,
372
00:12:46,689 --> 00:12:48,255
maybe lunchtime,
373
00:12:48,257 --> 00:12:49,656
and I can give you a whole bunch of 'em...
374
00:12:49,658 --> 00:12:51,458
No, no, no. No, uh, now.
375
00:12:51,460 --> 00:12:52,626
I need 'em now.
376
00:12:52,628 --> 00:12:54,394
Oh, Jack, I-I'm tuckered out.
377
00:12:54,396 --> 00:12:55,996
It's almost 8:30.
378
00:12:55,998 --> 00:12:57,331
Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, just...
379
00:12:57,333 --> 00:12:59,233
I just need... I need 75 more of these,
380
00:12:59,235 --> 00:13:00,901
and then we're good...
Come on, we can do it.
381
00:13:00,903 --> 00:13:03,495
Look, I'll, uh, I'll make us some coffee.
382
00:13:03,672 --> 00:13:06,498
- Oh, I-I really shouldn't.
- Helen.
383
00:13:07,222 --> 00:13:08,455
What's one cup?
384
00:13:08,457 --> 00:13:10,229
Ugh, God, that smells good.
385
00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:18,695
High fives and low fives
are better than no fives!
386
00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:19,699
Ha-ha!
387
00:13:19,701 --> 00:13:21,434
If somebody calls you a wet blanket,
388
00:13:21,436 --> 00:13:23,269
ask 'em how they'd like it in a desert
389
00:13:23,271 --> 00:13:24,371
if they saw you there.
390
00:13:24,373 --> 00:13:25,572
Are you getting this?
391
00:13:25,574 --> 00:13:27,208
Yes. Yes. M-more. More.
392
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:30,508
If you step on a berry,
you just made some jam!
393
00:13:31,242 --> 00:13:32,975
I think I need more coffee, Jack.
394
00:13:35,093 --> 00:13:37,053
If you pass gas when you leave a room,
395
00:13:37,053 --> 00:13:38,319
it's called a toodle-oo!
396
00:13:38,588 --> 00:13:40,061
That the first half of something?
397
00:13:40,061 --> 00:13:41,594
If you spill your milk,
398
00:13:41,596 --> 00:13:43,998
it's just a paper towel
gettin' a promotion!
399
00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:46,007
Oh, my God, here's a good one, Jack.
400
00:13:46,009 --> 00:13:48,999
If you escape the womb,
you can escape anything!
401
00:13:48,998 --> 00:13:50,084
Boom!
402
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,112
I am gonna be rich.
403
00:13:52,935 --> 00:13:54,769
[UPBEAT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
404
00:13:54,771 --> 00:13:56,604
[PHONE RINGING]
405
00:13:56,606 --> 00:13:58,305
[SNORING]
406
00:13:59,175 --> 00:14:01,976
So that was the Wikipedia entry,
407
00:14:01,978 --> 00:14:04,880
and this is your paper.
408
00:14:05,448 --> 00:14:06,747
Okay, Ralph.
409
00:14:06,772 --> 00:14:08,749
It is the third Friday of the month.
410
00:14:09,022 --> 00:14:10,401
Funky Friday?
411
00:14:10,401 --> 00:14:12,334
The day that Mary and I usually
break out the karaoke machine?
412
00:14:12,336 --> 00:14:14,169
Well, today, Mary can suck an egg,
413
00:14:14,171 --> 00:14:17,473
because you and I are
going to crush a duet.
414
00:14:17,475 --> 00:14:19,341
Oh, no, I haven't performed in years.
415
00:14:19,343 --> 00:14:22,778
I mean, I played trombone
in a ska band in college.
416
00:14:22,780 --> 00:14:24,413
You know, the Skanky Doodles.
417
00:14:24,415 --> 00:14:26,448
We had a killer rendition
of "Proud to Be an American,"
418
00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:28,817
all ska'd out, and,
you know, it was ironic.
419
00:14:28,819 --> 00:14:31,120
But also, no, we were very patriotic
420
00:14:31,358 --> 00:14:33,022
but also questioned everything.
421
00:14:33,024 --> 00:14:35,650
You know, the... '90s were nuts!
422
00:14:35,737 --> 00:14:36,926
You'll be fine.
423
00:14:36,928 --> 00:14:38,560
No one's gonna be looking at you anyway.
424
00:14:38,562 --> 00:14:39,707
See you later, girl!
425
00:14:39,732 --> 00:14:40,754
[DOOR HANDLE SHUFFLES]
426
00:14:46,043 --> 00:14:47,976
- What is this?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
427
00:14:47,978 --> 00:14:50,178
That's my presentation. Give me that.
428
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:51,713
Don't ever go through my stuff again,
429
00:14:51,715 --> 00:14:54,730
or I'll beat your ass with
whatever I can... find.
430
00:14:54,730 --> 00:14:56,263
Aw, you seem upset.
431
00:14:56,265 --> 00:14:57,918
Yo, maybe this will cheer you up.
432
00:14:57,918 --> 00:15:00,987
Fries are like jeans...
They, uh, go with anything.
433
00:15:01,299 --> 00:15:03,236
[LAUGHS] That's very funny.
434
00:15:03,261 --> 00:15:04,822
You know what's really gonna cheer me up?
435
00:15:04,824 --> 00:15:06,190
All the money I'm gonna
get from the millions
436
00:15:06,192 --> 00:15:07,558
of people who buy my new book.
437
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:08,826
"Hundred Smiles in Your Pocket"?
438
00:15:08,828 --> 00:15:09,661
That's lame.
439
00:15:09,663 --> 00:15:11,061
"You grow each day.
440
00:15:11,061 --> 00:15:12,630
Just ask your fingernails."
441
00:15:12,632 --> 00:15:14,132
Yeah, well, of course it sounds terrible
442
00:15:14,134 --> 00:15:15,366
when Marcus reads it.
443
00:15:15,368 --> 00:15:17,574
This is the book you told
Miles you weren't gonna write.
444
00:15:17,574 --> 00:15:19,665
It seems like you're selling out, boss.
445
00:15:19,707 --> 00:15:21,173
No, this isn't selling out.
446
00:15:21,175 --> 00:15:22,841
Let me just explain how the world works.
447
00:15:22,843 --> 00:15:24,143
You see, sometimes, you write something
448
00:15:24,145 --> 00:15:25,343
that's just so brilliant
449
00:15:25,368 --> 00:15:27,179
that dum-dums don't want to publish it.
450
00:15:27,571 --> 00:15:30,983
So you go schmooze with a
couple Chad Bro Chillingtons,
451
00:15:30,985 --> 00:15:32,518
you know, and then you crank out
452
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,400
whatever drivel they want, get paid.
453
00:15:34,628 --> 00:15:36,822
That is the exact
definition of selling out.
454
00:15:36,824 --> 00:15:38,490
Yeah, well, I'll be sure to explain that
455
00:15:38,492 --> 00:15:39,925
to the Sex Pistols when we're watching
456
00:15:39,927 --> 00:15:41,860
David Copperfield levitate in my hot tub.
457
00:15:41,862 --> 00:15:45,126
Maybe he can pull your
integrity out of a hat.
458
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,567
He certainly made your
principles disappear.
459
00:15:48,569 --> 00:15:50,402
- Right?
- Ha. Magic puns.
460
00:15:50,404 --> 00:15:51,703
Yeah, nice.
461
00:15:51,705 --> 00:15:53,639
The ultimate indicator of popularity.
462
00:15:53,641 --> 00:15:55,507
You know what? I'm gonna take off,
463
00:15:55,509 --> 00:15:57,142
go to the airport early,
464
00:15:57,144 --> 00:15:58,165
grab a Cinnabon.
465
00:15:59,780 --> 00:16:01,980
I got it... "Maybe David Copperfield
466
00:16:01,982 --> 00:16:03,148
could pull a rabbit out of..."
467
00:16:03,150 --> 00:16:04,542
Dude, he left.
468
00:16:08,361 --> 00:16:11,206
It is Friday! Who's ready to get funky?
469
00:16:11,439 --> 00:16:12,564
Hey, guys.
470
00:16:12,566 --> 00:16:15,962
Me and my bestie are going to sing it out.
471
00:16:15,987 --> 00:16:19,104
- Come on, Durbs.
- All right. Ahem.
472
00:16:19,106 --> 00:16:20,672
♪ I tell you what I want, what I really ♪
473
00:16:20,674 --> 00:16:22,507
♪ Really want, so
tell me what you want ♪
474
00:16:22,509 --> 00:16:24,309
♪ What you really, really want ♪
475
00:16:24,311 --> 00:16:26,111
♪ I wanna, I wanna, I
wanna, I wanna, I wanna ♪
476
00:16:26,113 --> 00:16:28,666
♪ Really, really, really
want to zig-a-zig-nope! ♪
477
00:16:28,666 --> 00:16:32,024
Guys, I'm sorry, this...
ugh, this is wrong.
478
00:16:32,049 --> 00:16:33,873
All right? And I don't mean my singing.
479
00:16:33,898 --> 00:16:36,565
I think I surprised
everyone, including myself,
480
00:16:36,567 --> 00:16:40,202
with how good I was, but Mary and Stef,
481
00:16:40,204 --> 00:16:42,583
you guys, you've had the
smallest disagreement,
482
00:16:42,583 --> 00:16:44,705
a-and you're both being so stubborn.
483
00:16:44,929 --> 00:16:46,742
I mean, one of you has gotta step up
484
00:16:46,744 --> 00:16:48,143
and be the bigger woman.
485
00:16:48,145 --> 00:16:50,417
I know he did not just say "bigger woman."
486
00:16:51,723 --> 00:16:53,723
Fine, you know what, I guess...
487
00:16:53,724 --> 00:16:55,791
I guess I did freak out a little bit
488
00:16:55,793 --> 00:16:58,060
because I was jealous
that you picked Michelle,
489
00:16:58,062 --> 00:17:00,929
and I thought we agreed
we were picking each other.
490
00:17:00,931 --> 00:17:02,287
But we didn't agree.
491
00:17:02,287 --> 00:17:03,753
You told me to put you
down and just thought
492
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:06,323
I would follow along, and I usually do.
493
00:17:06,325 --> 00:17:08,359
Cobb club. Funky Friday.
494
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,652
Getting our nails done on
the 14th of every month.
495
00:17:11,130 --> 00:17:12,529
Gotta come up with a name for that one.
496
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:14,798
So you don't like all of that stuff.
497
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,600
No, I love it!
498
00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:19,362
But that doesn't mean I'm gonna
blindly do everything you say.
499
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:22,139
Besides, I only chose Michelle
as my emergency contact
500
00:17:22,141 --> 00:17:23,774
'cause if something crazy happened to me,
501
00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:26,343
well, you'd be right
by my side doing it too.
502
00:17:26,345 --> 00:17:27,778
Remember the last time we almost died?
503
00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:30,547
Drunk, topless, parasailing in the Bahamas?
504
00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:32,950
Mm-hmm. Girl, you're right.
505
00:17:32,952 --> 00:17:34,318
I guess if there was an emergency,
506
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,640
chances are we'd be in it together.
507
00:17:37,156 --> 00:17:38,622
You know what, Ralph?
508
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:41,225
Make Michelle my emergency contact too.
509
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:43,227
Aww! You're so sweet!
510
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:44,495
Mm-hmm.
511
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:45,996
So, okay, worst-case scenario,
512
00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:47,331
how long do you want me to wait
513
00:17:47,333 --> 00:17:49,400
before I give that plug a little yank?
514
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:53,070
- Jeez, Michelle!
- Long! Very long!
515
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,972
Okay. Okay.
516
00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:58,175
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
517
00:17:58,177 --> 00:18:02,767
♪
518
00:18:02,792 --> 00:18:03,914
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
519
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,135
♪
520
00:18:06,135 --> 00:18:07,621
All right, come on, bitch.
521
00:18:08,784 --> 00:18:10,310
Come on, bitch.
522
00:18:10,895 --> 00:18:12,518
You got this, bitch.
523
00:18:13,765 --> 00:18:15,670
Don't be a bitch!
524
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:16,799
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
525
00:18:16,801 --> 00:18:17,900
[MUSIC STOPS]
526
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:23,821
Come on, bitch. You little bitch!
527
00:18:24,075 --> 00:18:26,142
Hey! What's up, bro?
528
00:18:26,144 --> 00:18:27,243
What's up, bronies?
529
00:18:27,245 --> 00:18:28,778
Hey, brosephinas. Nice.
530
00:18:28,780 --> 00:18:32,548
Oh! It's the Egg-Man from the FaceTime.
531
00:18:32,550 --> 00:18:35,089
[AS AL PACINO] Say hello
to my little friend.
532
00:18:35,420 --> 00:18:38,029
- Mm? Oh? Yep.
- [IMITATES FIREWORKS]
533
00:18:39,699 --> 00:18:41,132
Hey, Jack.
534
00:18:41,259 --> 00:18:42,925
Uh, we're really excited about this.
535
00:18:42,927 --> 00:18:44,032
Totally.
536
00:18:48,266 --> 00:18:49,596
You okay, Jack?
537
00:18:52,103 --> 00:18:53,102
No.
538
00:18:53,104 --> 00:18:54,771
No, guys, I can't, uh...
539
00:18:54,773 --> 00:18:56,071
I can't do this.
540
00:18:56,726 --> 00:18:58,391
[SIGHS] Look, I, uh...
541
00:18:58,695 --> 00:19:00,397
I want to tell you guys
about something better.
542
00:19:00,830 --> 00:19:03,476
It's called "The End:
A Philosophy of Death."
543
00:19:04,168 --> 00:19:05,287
That's me.
544
00:19:05,287 --> 00:19:06,914
That's what I'm about.
545
00:19:07,423 --> 00:19:09,122
Yeah, I thought Miles told you.
546
00:19:09,124 --> 00:19:10,791
It's not something we're interested in.
547
00:19:10,793 --> 00:19:13,174
Well, that's the only book
on the table today, so...
548
00:19:13,462 --> 00:19:15,186
We get it, Jack, I mean,
549
00:19:15,186 --> 00:19:18,454
the smile book must have been
pretty tough for you to write.
550
00:19:18,929 --> 00:19:21,162
Hold on a second there.
Who said it was tough?
551
00:19:21,164 --> 00:19:22,897
'Cause that wasn't tough, all right?
552
00:19:22,899 --> 00:19:24,933
And if you guys read what
I wrote, you'd love it.
553
00:19:24,935 --> 00:19:26,668
You'd go nuts. You'd buy it in a heartbeat.
554
00:19:26,670 --> 00:19:28,514
Here, let me just... Hold on.
555
00:19:29,147 --> 00:19:30,513
Oh, God.
556
00:19:30,515 --> 00:19:32,048
Who threw away all this potato salad?
557
00:19:32,050 --> 00:19:33,717
That was mine. Sorry.
558
00:19:33,719 --> 00:19:35,952
All right, well, whatever,
I'm just gonna hit you guys
559
00:19:35,954 --> 00:19:37,554
with a couple of these smiles here.
560
00:19:37,556 --> 00:19:38,722
Uh, number 22.
561
00:19:38,724 --> 00:19:40,805
"It's not a flat tire, it's a swing."
562
00:19:41,601 --> 00:19:42,592
[LAUGHS]
563
00:19:42,594 --> 00:19:44,494
Smile 46: "If you step on a berry,
564
00:19:44,496 --> 00:19:45,662
you just made jam."
565
00:19:45,664 --> 00:19:46,963
See, I think I've proven my point.
566
00:19:46,965 --> 00:19:48,665
You know, I can... I can crank out
567
00:19:48,667 --> 00:19:50,182
the kind of crap you
guys want, but guess what?
568
00:19:51,570 --> 00:19:53,136
You're never gonna get any of it.
569
00:19:53,138 --> 00:19:56,161
Yeah, none of this is
what we wanted, at all.
570
00:19:56,161 --> 00:19:57,507
You know what, I'm glad I'm not moving
571
00:19:57,509 --> 00:19:58,574
to this stupid city.
572
00:19:58,574 --> 00:20:00,043
It's just filled with a bunch of sellouts
573
00:20:00,045 --> 00:20:01,177
like you, Eggleston.
574
00:20:01,179 --> 00:20:02,412
Yeah, you're all just a bunch
575
00:20:02,414 --> 00:20:04,014
of fedora-wearing phonies!
576
00:20:05,232 --> 00:20:07,347
None of us have fedoras.
577
00:20:07,653 --> 00:20:11,032
Buddy... you are a fedora.
578
00:20:11,032 --> 00:20:13,199
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
579
00:20:13,621 --> 00:20:15,487
So, I wasn't able to hit Eggleston,
580
00:20:15,487 --> 00:20:17,053
but I pee-peed on his building,
581
00:20:17,055 --> 00:20:18,721
and I popped one of
the interns pretty good.
582
00:20:18,723 --> 00:20:20,790
There's a warrant for
my arrest in New York,
583
00:20:20,792 --> 00:20:21,791
but guess what?
584
00:20:21,793 --> 00:20:23,033
I ain't in New York.
585
00:20:23,407 --> 00:20:25,720
So, a bunch of us read
your book about death.
586
00:20:26,610 --> 00:20:29,370
Yeah, yeah, it's...
You know, it's... bleak.
587
00:20:29,954 --> 00:20:31,180
It was awesome.
588
00:20:31,182 --> 00:20:33,582
I can't stop thinking about it.
589
00:20:33,584 --> 00:20:35,317
Parts of it were, like, scary.
590
00:20:35,319 --> 00:20:37,186
And I like the part about how, uh,
591
00:20:37,188 --> 00:20:39,355
destruction and creation
are basically the same thing.
592
00:20:39,357 --> 00:20:41,357
Oh, or the mouse trap analogy.
593
00:20:41,359 --> 00:20:42,858
That was about destruction, right?
594
00:20:42,860 --> 00:20:44,493
No, no, it was about creation.
595
00:20:44,495 --> 00:20:46,362
They're the same thing, idiot.
596
00:20:46,364 --> 00:20:49,031
No, that's the thing, it's
a cyclical process, right?
597
00:20:49,033 --> 00:20:52,868
[ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
598
00:20:53,344 --> 00:20:54,810
- I'm dying.
- Totally.
599
00:20:54,812 --> 00:20:56,567
We're dying. Man, you dying!
600
00:20:56,848 --> 00:20:58,180
You're dying... You got a little sister?
601
00:20:58,182 --> 00:20:59,381
She dying too!
602
00:20:59,528 --> 00:21:01,766
[UPLIFTING MUSIC]
603
00:21:01,766 --> 00:21:04,134
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com
43192
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