Original subtitles

Ah! On that set, I congranulate myself.

Biff, what is it the score?

I don't know. Haven't you been keeping track?

Since when do I supposed to know to count?

You can count in Greek, can't you?

But this no Greek game.

Well, are we playing for money?

Sure.

In that case, I'm way ahead.

I think tomorrow morning

I start to go to night school.

What is she singing about?

Women are always singing.

Why not?

I like a good bass.

In my opinion, no woman can sing.

Is my opinion madame melba

Is greatest singeress in the world.

Well, then, she must sing bass.

I don't like women who sing.

That's the way I'm constituted.

Biff.

Biff.

Biff, you still playing that silly game?

I'm almost ready.

Oh, don't break a bustle. I'll be in in a minute.

Your hands aren't washed yet,

And the afternoon's almost over.

All we're going to do is take a walk.

I don't have to take a bath for that, do I?

Biff grimes, you're worse than a child.

Sundays are a pain in the back teeth to me.

Nothing to do but take walks.

Is better than working, don't it?

Oh, working, working.

I'm tired of playing.

Hey, what's the idea?

Oh, sorry. Don't know my own strength.

You might have hit someone!

Well, what do you want me to do, try again?

Well, you might be a little more civil.

Oh, tell it to sweeney.

Why, I've a good mind to come over there and...

A college man!

Now I'm scared.

Please, Harold,

Brawling may be all right for a Harvard man, but...

I'd like to give him a taste of the good old flying wedge!

Phew! Boy, you sure got some sweet temperature today.

That's nothing.

This is my Sunday mood.

You should see me the rest of the week.

Nick, I think I'll have to give up this place.

I've been here... 8 months.

8 months, and I've had two patients,

And I'm still trying to collect from one of them.

Well, always from the start in the beginning.

Hey, Nick...

Do you suppose they know I'm a jailbird?

Naw. How they know that?

Well, they found out in the other two neighborhoods.

Well, then, how do you account for the...

Maybe you just move in a neighborhood with good teeth.

That's very discouraging.

Very discouraging.

Well, may as well get that walk over with.

Keep right on playing that tune.

You want some more birch beer?

No. Never mind.

Hey, what's the name of that thing they're playing?

You know better than I do

What's the name of that thing they're playing.

Yeah. And the band played on.

Hmm. That's all I remember.

That song must be 8 or 10 years old.

Sure. Biff, remember Schultz's 3-piece band

Down in the old neighborhood park?

Bands plays on, bands plays on...

That's all they ever do.

That's all they ever knew.

You ever go down to the old neighborhood anymore, Nick?

Naw. It's too much of a trip.

Boy, how those foreigners murders the English language.

Uh, we'll never have those good times again, Nick.

A little two-by-four park and all those girls.

Ah, she was a beautiful girl.

Who?

Virginia.

Now, what made you bring up Virginia?

You were stuck on her, ain't you?

Me? Naw...

Oh, I was.

Oh, I liked her... In a nice way.

Yeah, I liked her, too, but I forget which way.

To think of all the wonderful boys in the neighborhood,

Including me,

And Hugo barnstead has to get Virginia.

Why did you have to bring up Hugo?

How can you bring up Virginia

Without bringing up Hugo?

If ever I get my hands on that slimy...

That's right, biff.

You knock him down, I kick him.

I mean it, Nick.

After all, the best thing is for to forget.

Let bygones be bygones.

Not me. I take nothing from nobody.

That's the kind of a hairpin I am.

Doggone it,

I was just beginning to forget the whole thing

When that tinhorn band had to start up

And you had to open your trap.

All right, biff. It's closed.

How long are they going to keep on playing that piece?

Hey!

Hey, you, shut up!

I beg your pardon. Were you addressing me?

I was talking to the band. Any objections?

I don't like the tune they're playing.

Oh, you don't. Well, we do.

In fact, we asked them to play it again.

I'm going to ask them to change it.

Well, it's still a free country.

I guess they can play what they like.

Is it free enough for a dentist

To punch a college man in the nose?

Certainly, and since you're a dentist,

Maybe you won't mind losing a couple of front teeth!

Why, you...

Let go of me!

Easy, boy. There's 6 of them.

That makes it even.

Biff!

What?

Biff, what are you doing?

Discussing music.

Biff, you come right in here this instant.

You're wanted on the telephone.

Get the number and tell them I'll call them back.

Biff!

Oh, all right.

Don't you move!

I'll be right back.

Don't worry. We'll be here.

Biff, fighting on Sunday.

Oh, goodness,

I don't know what this neighborhood's coming to.

I want to apologize for my husband.

Apologize?

After I knock him cold, then apologize.

Tessie, you leave butch alone.

Now, leave him alone.

Oh, you answer it, Nick. It can't be important.

Hurry up, biff,

Hello?

Just a minute, please.

Man says his friend got a toothache.

Tell him to keep it.

The doctor is very busy.

He says it hurts.

Wants for you should pull it.

Tell him I don't pull teeth on Sunday,

Unless it's a child.

How old is this toothache?

He says he is the president from the exchange bank.

Wants to speak to you personal.

I don't care who he is. I don't pull teeth on Sunday.

I have no patients, but I have got principles.

Here he is, president.

Hello.

I'm sorry to trouble you,

But this guest of mine's suffering terribly.

I've already called every other dentist

In the neighborhood,

But they're all out walking with their wives.

Would you please do it?

Called every dentist in the neighborhood first.

I'm sorry.

I've got a wife,

Tell your friend to try a hot water bottle.

We've already tried that...

As you can probably hear.

Now, look, I know it's Sunday,

But Mr. barnstead's willing to pay you double your usual fee.

It isn't a matter of mo...

Wait a minute.

What name did you say that was?

Barnstead.

Would that be Hugo barnstead?

Yes, Hugo barnstead, the alderman.

Oh. Well, then, send him over.

No, I'll do it.

Oh, no, not at all. No, it's a pleasure.

Well...

Can you beat it?

Hugo barnstead is coming over to have his tooth pulled.

Coincidentally a coincidence.

It's more than a coincidence.

It's poetic justice.

Is it? I take your word for it.

But say, Hugo... don't he know you're the dentist?

I guess not.

I guess he doesn't even know I'm out of jail.

Ho ho! And to think that I was considering

Going after him with a gun,

And here he walks right into my parlor.

Now, biff...

Yeah.

If I know Hugo barnstead, he's going to want gas.

All right, I'll give him gas.

Now, biff, don't do nothing you're going to be sorry for.

What do you want me to do...

Tear out his teeth with my bare hands?

Of course I'll give him gas.

An accident can happen. Who are we to know?

Biff, you crazy.

Who has a better right than me?

Nobody, but...

Nobody can blame me then, can they?

That don't do nobody no good.

It don't help you, don't help Amy.

Hmm. Can you imagine it?

Walking right into my parlor.

Keep on playing that song!

It helps to remind me!

Which reminds me of a time about 10 years ago.

My old man was working for the street cleaning department.

Who is this greets me tired eyes,

If it's tired they are?

If it isn't Mrs. mulcahey.

'Tis early for you to be coming home from work,

Isn't it, Mr. grimes,

Even though you are working for the city?

Well, I'm hardly a clock watcher, Mrs. mulcahey.

Sure. It couldn't be now, I suppose,

That the city has fired you?

Well, couldn't we better say that we'd, uh...

We dissolved partnership?

Aw, pshaw! What's going to become of you at all, William grimes?

That is a question I'm not even interested in the answer of,

And I'm glad the city did fire me.

It gives me more time to be with you, Mrs. mulcahey.

Tell me... ha ha!... Is your good husband to home?

Well, indeed, he is not.

My Timothy's a man can hold on to a job,

And he'll be home when every respectable working man comes home,

At 7:30.

Then we must hurry away to the park

And under the spread of the Chestnut tree with...

Aw, go on. You're just a faker.

Me, a faker? You'd say that to me?

Well, if there's one thing certain,

Your bark is worse than your bite.

If there's another thing certain,

The ladies all prefer me bark to their husband's bite.

You're a braggart, a blow-hard, and a liar,

That's what you are!

Of a certainty, I'm a liar.

Then why do you go around talking love

To every woman in the neighborhood?

Well, what would you have me talk about...

The weather?

You know, Mrs. mulcahey,

You and I are no longer young.

So we must grasp the grape of happiness. I...

There you go again. You and your blather.

What's the sign they're putting out?

Bock beer.

I know the rest of it. Mrs. mulcahey,

I've suddenly remembered a luncheon appointment that I'd had,

So we'll take this up

Where we leave off now in the morning,

After your good husband has gone to work.

A good day to you.

Uh-huh. Oh, glory be!

Top of the day to you, gentlemen.

What's the matter?

Did you lose your job again?

Quite.

Can't even hold a political job, can you?

It was a mere disagreement.

I expect an apology in the morning,

Or else it'll mean the end of tammany.

Oh, no, you don't.

There's a scalawag if there ever was one. Ha ha ha!

Good night, all!

Well, biff!

What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be working.

Well, you know,

A little bite of lunch and a glass of beer.

But you were following the parade, and that's a long way from here.

Have you been canned again?

Well, biff, we may as well face it.

I was never in the world cut out to be a street cleaner,

And there's no use reaching for the stars.

What happened this time?

Oh, biff, it's me teeth,

And when a man's in misery...

Why can't you get a new alibi?

When I've been using that one for 30 years?

Huh! What are you doing here?

I'm working here.

Since when?

Since this morning.

Oh, no, you're not. You're quitting right now.

I'll have no son of mine being a bartender.

I'm not a bartender. I'm the new bouncer.

The bouncer!

Oh, biff, you've made me the happiest man in...

Oh, cut it out, will ya?

I'm supposed to be a tough guy.

Oh, well, tell me, biff,

Have you thrown anyone out yet?

No, things have been pretty quiet,

But it'll pick up.

Say, this ain't gonna change your idea

About being a dentist, is it?

No, of course not.

A lesson came in the mail this morning.

I think I'll do some work on you tonight.

That's the stuff.

You fix the old man's teeth, and wait and see.

I be a different man.

Nothing will be changed but your smile.

Aw, now, biff, you know that my teeth

Have always been the root of all my trouble.

Now, you do a good job on me,

I'd be a reformed character,

And I'd become a credit to the community.

Oh, biff, let me hug you.

Quit slobbering over me, will ya? Cut it out.

Very well. Tell you what.

Everybody step up to the bar.

I have great cause for celebration.

Bring out your best.

Oh, hold your horses.

What are you going to use for money?

Well, uh, I was of the impression

That my credit was good around here.

Do me a favor and tie that bull outside.

Well, in that case,

Everybody have a round of free lunch on me!

Throw this bum out.

Oh, I can't do that. He's my old man.

He's not mine. Throw him out!

Well, there are a lot of other bums in here.

Let me throw one of them out, huh?

Who's giving orders around here?

Throw him out on his ear.

Now, listen, you.

Why, you couldn't throw me out if you wanted to.

I've licked you through all the ages and stages of your life.

I've licked you with a strap.

I've licked you with a broom.

I've licked you with me bare fist,

And right here and now,

Spotting you 32 years, a beer belly,

And the delicate condition of me teeth,

With one arm behind me back, one foot in the air,

Whistling the tune Annie Laurie,

I can throw you through that plate-glass window

Without even so much as making a crack in the pane!

Oh, now, look here, pop.

Oh, that's it, is it?

Sassing your old man, holding him up to ridicule and shame, huh?

Give me room!

Give me room!

Go for it.

Go to it, biff.

Make it look good. I'll cooperate.

I can't. You're my old man.

I brought you up.

Throw me clean out.

Maybe I'll bounce a couple of times for you.

All righty. Oh.

Hey.

Are you hurted, Mr. grimes?

Not even me feelings.

And since I'm going your way,

We'll drop to your house and have a spot of tea.

Now, the next time,

Don't even let that bum in here.

Who are you calling a bum?

Say, watch the way you talk to me.

Oh, no. You watch this.

Wonderful invention, the leech.

That's not an invention. That's animal.

Wonderful animal, the leech.

I'm easy to get along with.

When are you ever going to win a fight?

Biff doesn't want to spoil his record. Do you, biff?

Aw, he hit me with a spittoon.

Only after he got tired of hitting you with his fists.

Hiya, boys.

Hugo, still want to take a bet

In the third at graves end?

Sure. What horse?

Ulysses s. Grant.

35 cents on the nose.

35 cents? What is it, a legacy?

What, again?

What a pipperino.

Looks like some of big Joe's work.

Right. How did you guess?

His initials are beginning to form.

Aw, he hit me with a beer bottle.

What happened to the spittoon?

Don't worry. I'll fix him.

I don't take nothing from nobody.

That's the kind of a hairpin I am.

Any of you fellas want to buy a ticket

For the boat ride?

Not me. I'm going to stowaway.

I take one of those stowaways tickets, too.

What's the matter with you boys?

This is sponsored by

The ladies aid auxiliary

Of the fourth ward Democratic club.

Don't you want to lend a helping hand

To a worthy cause?

Not when the worthy cause is Hugo barnstead.

Aw, believe me, fellas,

Of doing a good deed for charity.

horses' feathers.

And a small commission.

That sounds more like

The Hugo barnstead we all know... And hate.

I suppose that shiner was big Joe's way of firing you.

I guess so. Anybody hit another guy with a broom handle.

While you're not doing anything,

Why don't you help me sell the rest of these tickets?

I'm too busy with my other enterprises.

I'll split the commission with you.

I've heard about the way you split.

You'll make a better salesman than a bouncer.

All right.

I'll try some.

I'll try the dentists. We're colleagues.

Finish!

Hey, fellas! Here comes a strawberry blonde.

2, 4, 6, 8...

Who do we appreciate?

Going my way, sister?

I love my wife, but, oh, you kid!

Your mother know you're out?

For her, I'd take out citizenship papers.

Watch me get her.

Nothing like selling a ticket to a charity boat ride to get acquainted.

Let biff go. He's your salesman now.

Oh, gosh. I couldn't ask her for money.

Oh, pardon me.

Can you beat that?

If you ask me, miss brush and Hugo

Are going to become awfully good friends.

See what I mean?

You take that back.

What for?

I'm entitled to my opinion.

Which one of your ears do you want knocked out?

Just you try either one, mister.

Give me room.

Go over to the drugstore and get me another leech, quick.

Oh, biff. What do they call that stuff again?

Uh, nitrous oxide.

Are you sure you know how to use it?

I'm reading up on it now.

Don't you think we ought to wait

Until you learned it by heart?

If I get stuck, I can always look at the letter.

All right. I'm ready now.

Which tooth hurts?

They all hurt.

Well, I can't pull them all.

I won't know how to do that for another 12 lessons at least,

And you know I only get one letter a month.

Couldn't we hurry that up

With a few special deliveries?

Will you stop being a pussy willow?

Which tooth do you want pulled?

I don't care. Take your pick.

I'm not playing any favorites.

Do you want me to play eenie-meeny-miney-moe?

No!

Well, lean back.

Wait a minute, biff.

What's the matter now?

Just a minute.

Don't you think we ought to have

One last little look at the letter?

There may be a typographical error.

If there is, we'll find out soon enough.

Now, lean back, and inhale into this thing.

What's the matter?

There's nothing the matter! Ha ha!

What's so funny?

There's nothing so funny. Ho ho!

What are you laughing at?

I don't know,

Unless it's because I'm looking at your face.

You've been looking at it for years. It was never funny before.

That's right.

Oh, biff, there's something wrong.

I'm getting sillier by the minute!

Oh, you're all right.

It says here, that's the way it acts on a lot of people.

It says here, in a minute you'll be unconscious.

Biffy...

I don't think I'm unconscious.

It says here you're unconscious.

Oh, maybe I am, but I doubt it.

Are you going to make a liar out of the letter?

Here. Take another whiff of this, huh?

You're a fine one to practice on.

Now, here. I promise you.

Won't hurt a bit.

Why, you clumsy, left-handed son of a street cleaner!

What is it you're trying to do,

Kill your old man for the insurance?

You haven't got any insurance.

Oh ho! That's why you're trying to kill me.

Dentist, is it? Why, you're worse than a plumber.

Let me get me hands on you, and I'd tear you and them letters

Half in two in the same motion.

Calm down, pop. Now, calm down!

And I suppose when you graduate,

You'll hang out a big sign, "painless dentistry."

Well, it's a lie. Do you hear?

It's a lie!

Hey, biff!

What are you doing tonight?

Nothing much. Why?

Want to drive over to the park with me?

There's some girls waiting for us.

How many?

Two.

Just two?

Yeah.

I'll be right down. I got to pull my old man's tooth.

All right.

I'm sorry, son, but you'll have to stay home.

I be right down!

Where's me coat?

What? Where you going?

You stay home, read over your lessons.

I tend to the romantic end of this family.

But I thought you wanted your tooth pulled.

I do, but that can wait until morning.

L'amour, son. L'amour!

Just give me one more chance, huh?

Come on. One more chance.

I'll get it this time.

Now, take a good, deep inhale of this.

Deeper now.

Deep! Deep! Deep!

Good.

He stabbed me!

Hey, come on. Hop up.

Let me drive, huh?

Yeah, to the park.

I drive up to the girls.

Yeah, sure. Giddyap!

Oh. Ha ha! Would you listen to the old devil?

Well, as I was saying, Mrs. mulcahey,

He says to me, "when your husband goes to work,

Knock on my door."

Aw, he's the fine boyo.

He's the one.

Who are the girls?

Well, one of them's the strawberry blonde.

Virginia brush?

In the flesh.

Oh, Virginia. Gosh.

You don't mean to say that the very first time she met you,

Without an introduction, she made a date with you?

Certainly not. Virginia's a nice girl.

She just let it be known she'd be in the park tonight

With a girlfriend.

Lots of nice girls do that.

Sure.

Naturally. Do you think I'd wear this suit on a weekday

For anybody but Virginia?

As usual, I get the leavings.

I'll bet she's a crow.

Oh, how do you know?

Did you ever see the girlfriend of a pretty girl that wasn't?

Take your time, speedy. I'm in no hurry.

Oh, now, biff.

How is it you asked me to go along?

How is it you didn't ask one of the other boys? How is that?

Well, biff, number one, you're my business partner,

And number two, with those shiners,

You won't be much competition with Virginia,

And number 3...

Number two is enough.

Oh, I'll bet she's a crow.

Hello, Virginia.

What kept you? Work late?

A little.

Oh, it's too bad you didn't have time

To get out of your uniform.

I had plenty of time.

Then why didn't you?

Why should I?

I'm proud of my uniform.

It's a sign to the men

That women not only have the same right to work as the men,

But that in the eyes of...

Oh, hush, Amy.

You're not at a suffragette meeting now.

The tyranny of man over woman...

The stupid convention that says a woman shall wear such and such.

The outmoded...

Please, Amy.

Just tonight, try to be a woman, not a pamphlet.

Women throughout the ages have...

It's a lovely night.

Who cares if we ever get to vote?

Amy!

Yes, dear?

If there's something in your eye, Amy,

I'll help you get it out.

Oh, bosh. There's nothing in my eye.

I just plain and simple winked at him, that's all.

No, Amy. Either he's an old friend of the family's,

Or there's something in your eye.

I never saw him before in my life

Until a few minutes ago when I passed fisher's drugstore.

Oh, Amy, he followed you here?

No.

I followed him.

Oh, Amy!

Will you stop that?

What will people think of us?

Virginia, be sensible.

That's the way men behave toward women.

There's no reason why women

Shouldn't behave that way right back.

The single standard of morals...

I refuse to listen to advanced ideas.

Is it any worse than what you did...

Making a date with a man

You were never formally introduced to?

Why, I never did any such thing!

I simply happened to mention that I was in the habit

Of taking walks in the park with my girlfriend.

And besides and moreover, I didn't wink.

Don't be a hypocrite, Virginia.

Spiritually, you winked.

Here comes a buggy. Maybe it's them.

Whoa, there.

Well, there she is. There's Virginia.

He hired a carriage.

Oh, I just knew by the tie he wore this morning

He was a sport.

Gosh, she looks pretty.

Oh, boy, she's all the fudge!

What's that thing with her?

I suppose that's the girlfriend.

What's she got on, a nightgown?

That's no nightgown.

It's a uniform of some...

Why, she's a nurse.

A nurse?

Well, 23, skidoo, not for biff grimes!

What's the matter with a nurse? She looks pretty.

She'll want to take my temperature.

Good luck, Hugo. I'll walk home.

Wait a minute, biff. You can't go.

It's your date as well as mine.

Anything you can get me into, I can get myself out of.

So long.

Wait a minute. You're spoiling everything with Virginia.

She won't go out with me alone.

Biff, I've got it on awful good authority

Nurses are a lot of fun.

I'll bet you she even lets you put your arm around her waist.

Well, what fun is that?

Do you know the amount of starch in a nurse's uniform?

Good night.

Biff!

You can have Virginia. How's that?

You're not kidding?

Word of honor.

Say it louder.

Oh, all right.

Word of honor.

That's better.

I'm just crazy about Virginia.

I don't want him to think I'm staring at him.

You look, Amy, and tell me what you think of him.

Well...

The only one I can see clearly from here is the horse,

And I'm disappointed in him.

All right. Now, here's the plan.

We won't stop the first time.

I'll drive by at a nice fast gallop.

That'll look smart.

All right. You handle the reins,

And I'll crack the whip.

Give her the whip.

Ya-hoo!

Here they come.

They're just trying to make an impression.

Do you think we'll ever see them again?

The street runs in a circle.

They should be back any minute.

Pull up on it, Hugo!

This nag is wild. We better lead him.

All right. Anything you say.

Now, listen.

We won't say a word to them.

Just let them pass.

Of course, if they say something, we'll say something.

And if they don't say anything,

We won't say anything.

No. Just drop your eyes.

Drop my eyes?

Yes.

That will show them we're good girls

And they can't trifle with us.

Well, for goodness sakes!

There they are.

Let's walk right by them, huh?

Oh, no, we won't. We'll stop and talk to them.

You speak first, and then make me acquainted, huh?

All right. All right.

Hey, pull him away, biff!

You pull him away. You hired him.

Gentlemen, please!

Thank you. Thank you.

We're not accustomed to being accosted by strange horses.

I'm so sorry, ladies.

I must apologize for the behavior of my...

Say, aren't you the young lady

I sold the ticket to this afternoon?

Why, I believe I am.

I thought so.

Well, I think this circumstance

Permits me to introduce myself.

My name is Hugo barnstead.

How do you do? I'm Virginia brush.

This is my very special girlfriend Amy... Amy lind.

Delighted, miss lind.

Ladies, this is my confrere, biff grimes.

How do you do?

Pleased to meet you.

That our paths should cross again so soon?

Amy and I always take our constitutional here in the evening.

Biff and I always manage to take a canter

In the cool of the evening.

Amy and i...

Oh, for Pete's sake, Virginia. Cut out the nonsense.

This is a prearranged date, and we all know it.

I've got to get back on duty by 11:00,

So, come on, let's shake our tootsies.

Amy!

Oh, "Amy," my grandmother's hot water bottle!

She's fast.

Yeah.

What do you say we all take a drive

Out to the country?

We can make Harlem if we start now.

Oh, that would be lovely.

I'll handle the reins, biff.

You help the ladies in.

Ok.

All right. Get in.

We have dozens of your cases at the hospital.

It's mostly gastroduodenitis.

Please, miss lind. Watch your language.

We have a lady present.

Now, Hugo, you stop that!

Hugo!

Oh, this is all in fun!

There's something about the country air.

I said there's something about the country air.

I like city air.

Well, there...

There really isn't any difference

Between city air and country air.

They're both hydrogen and oxygen.

Air! You can't even see it, so why talk about it?

don't you believe me?

Yes, but...

My mother was one of the original bloomer girls.

I said, uh,

My mother was one of the original bloomer girls.

They had bats in their belfry.

They did not!

They were foresighted,

Courageous, intelligent women.

All right. All right.

Nobody's blaming you for your mother.

I'm not apologizing for my mother.

Look, do I know your mother?

Then why get into an argument about her?

I hardly know you.

You're not a very easy person to get to know, Mr. grimes.

Well...

That's the kind of a hairpin I am.

I'm going to have a smoke.

May I have one, too, please?

Sure.

Hey!

Don't tell me you smoke?

Only when I'm bored.

Well, your mother a bloomer girl,

You a nicotine fiend...

Are there any more at home like you?

I have an aunt who's an actress.

Well, that completes the picture.

Look, I been around.

They can say an awful lot of things about biff grimes,

But not that he ever gave a cigarette to a girl.

Stop! Stop it!

Stop it!

I, uh...

I thought it was Virginia.

However, it was a good thought.

I, uh...

I guess they must be engaged.

Why? Because she let him kiss her?

Well, sure. Would you let a boy kiss you

You weren't engaged to?

Well, what can you expect from a...

Girl who smokes, whose mother wore bloomers,

And whose aunt's on stage.

I, uh, I guess a little kiss is harmless

If it's all in fun.

Even if it isn't in fun.

You mean...

Exactly.

Wouldn't you like a nice young man

To marry you someday?

No, not particularly.

So you don't believe in the institution of marriage!

An outmoded, silly convention started by the cavemen

And encouraged by the florists and jewelers.

After all, what's marriage?

Wouldn't you like to have a home and kids?

Why, certainly I would, but that doesn't mean

You have to go through all the...

You mean...

Exactly.

Oh, Hugo!

Hugo!

What's the matter?

Come on. Let's get out of here quick.

What's gotten into you? We're just beginning to get acquainted.

You mean...

Exactly.

You owe me 1.25 for your share of the rig.

I paid Baxter.

Well, here it is.

Last time you're ever going to stick me with a double date.

Listen, she was as much a surprise to me

As she was to you.

Then why did you ask her to go on a boat ride?

I didn't ask. Virginia told us.

Look, let's have one thing understood right now.

On the boat ride, Virginia's my girl.

Of course. To make up for tonight.

Yeah.

Say, let me off at the corner.

You return the rig to Baxter's, will you?

I've got to pick up the boat ride tickets from the printer's.

He's working overtime.

All right.

So long. See you tomorrow.

All right. See you tomorrow.

This is the rig that Hugo barnstead hired.

Yeah. Drove her pretty hard, didn't you?

Well, good night.

Wait a minute. 2.50, please.

Didn't he pay you?

No, he didn't.

Took my last cent.

I have an idea that once we're underway

Your husband might fall overboard,

And then you and me...

734, 735,

36, 37, 38, 39, 40,

41, 42, 43...

We must find time for a nice long talk on women's rights.

749, 750.

Sorry, folks.

No more allowed on board.

But we have tickets...

And hard-boiled eggs.

I can't help that.

The regulations say only 750 on this boat at one time,

And I just clocked off 750.

750? We sold 3,000 tickets.

That means that 2,000 of us don't get on the boat.

All is I know is the regulations.

Come on.

Hugo!

All right. Come on.

Hugo! Barnstead!

poor Mr. grimes!

Poor...

What about Virginia?

She's stuck with poor Mr. grimes.

Hugo certainly disappeared in a hurry.

Oh, I'd probably get seasick anyhow.

Why can't we make a day of it anyway, Virginia?

We can sail over there to the statue of liberty

And then go on up to central park and see the zoo.

And then we could get a hansom and drive around,

And then dinner in some nice, expensive place,

And then one of those fancy beer gardens for dancing.

And then...

We'll be pretty tired by then.

That's my idea of a real stylish stout.

Awfully inspiring, isn't she?

She's more than that to me.

She made me hungry as heck.

Oh, no, thanks.

I'm afraid I'll spoil my appetite for dinner.

No, no!

No, no, no!

And she was right, too.

Well, if a man can't take liberties here, where can he?

Are you sure you won't have a hard-boiled egg?

No, I don't think so.

Let's go to the zoo.

Oh, it must be terrible to be caged up that way.

Oh, well, they... They have each other.

Going around scaring women!

"Love me, and the world is mine."

A sarsaparilla for the lady.

Uh, want a little sip?

Oh, no.

I couldn't drink beer.

Oh, go ahead. I'm broad-minded.

Now, biff, you know what you'd really think of me if I drank beer.

Why, in my eyes, Virginia,

You couldn't possibly do anything wrong.

In my eyes, you're the most perfect lady in the whole world.

In my eyes...

Hey, you!

Come on, biff. Let's dance.

Hey, sit down.

Sit down before you break something.

Why, biff!

Oh, I've got influence.

I didn't know you were so well-known.

Biff!

Fritz!

I... i hope you enjoyed the song.

It was fine. Thanks. Thanks.

That will be $2.00, please.

What for?

Why, Mr. grimes said he'd pay me if i...

Well, here's... Here's a dollar,

And there's a half a dollar

And a quarter... That's $1.75.

And there's a nickel, a dime.

I've got to give you 10 pennies.

Oh, that's all right.

There you are.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Biff, I think you're a real sport.

Well, then, how about going for a nice carriage ride

Through the park later, huh?

But, biff, you...

That's all right. I've got a working arrangement with the livery stable.

Well, good night, biff, and thanks again.

To me, Virginia, this day will last long in my memory.

It's been a most wonderful experience,

And if you don't mind,

I'd kind of like to remember it as a national holiday.

That's sweet of you, biff.

And that song... that will always be our song, won't it?

You know, we ought to do this sort of thing more often.

Well, uh, maybe not quite so elaborately.

Oh, yes, I'd love to sometime.

Well, uh, what are you doing...

What are you doing tomorrow night?

Oh, uh, tomorrow night I have a date with Billy millburne.

Well, uh, Saturday night?

Saturday, I sort of promised Hugo.

Well, uh, how about Monday?

Oh, Monday nights, I practice the piano.

Tuesday?

Tuesday...

Oh, there's that lovely boy from Brooklyn.

I don't mind you going out

With the boys in the neighborhood,

But when you reach out into the sticks...

But Jack's very Cosmopolitan.

Virginia?

Yes, mother?

It's after 10:30.

All right, mother. I'll be right up.

Well, good night, biff,

And thanks for a very lovely day.

Virginia, I know you're a very popular girl,

But I really would like to see you sometime.

Oh, uh, let's say 3 weeks from Wednesday.

I'll be free then.

Oh, Virginia.

That time when you kissed me when we were dancing,

Uh, was that just one of those things or...

I mean, did it mean anything to you,

Or was it just one of those...

Who just goes around kissing boys?

No, certainly not! It was just that...

Yow!

I'll be seeing you 3 weeks from Wednesday.

So who got hurt?

And that's what they got... Every cent.

We happened to make a mistake and sell too many tickets,

And I was smart enough to cash in on the mistake,

So now I'm in business.

But what do I get out of the mistake?

I'm tired of having you step all over me.

What do you mean, step all over you?

As soon as this business gets going,

I'm going to take care of you.

Listen, someday Hugo barnstead is going to be

A big man in this town, and so is biff grimes.

Of course, not as big as Hugo.

In the meantime, would you mind paying me that 1.25

You owe me for the rig you hired?

Yeah, sure. You got change for a 50?

Are you kidding?

No, no. As soon as I get one of these changed...

Hey, Joe, put more gild in that "b," will you?

I'm busy now, biff. I'll see you later.

Now, wait a...

Why, hello, biff.

Hello, Virginia.

What lovely lettering!

Is it gold?

Gild.

Well, he's just starting out.

Uh, I may go into the business later,

But I haven't decided yet.

How very nice for you.

Hugo... Mr. barnstead...

Is a very enterprising young man.

No. What?

3 weeks from Wednesday.

Well, don't you remember?

We have a date.

Oh, that's right.

I've been meaning to tell you, biff,

A cousin of mine arrived unexpectedly from Scranton,

And mother says that I'll...

Oh, that means that you can't make it?

A cousin all the way from Scranton?

Oh, gosh, and...

I figured we could go down to Tony pastor's

For the vaudeville and after that go to some swell place

Where they have good music.

Biff, you know what?

I made a date with you, and I'm going to keep it,

Cousin or no cousin.

I'll meet you in the park.

Well, you've certainly made me happy again,

But you will come alone?

Of course.

I wouldn't want to share you with anybody.

Thanks, miss brush. I mean, Virginia.

All right, then. 8:00, huh?

8:00 sharp.

Oh, uh, I won't bring anybody if you don't bring anybody.

All right, biff.

I'll look forward to seeing you. Good-bye!

Good-bye!

What you doing?

Come on. Get out of there.

Nick, you know what this means to me.

4 more bucks, and I'll be set for the evening.

But I'm crazy about Virginia myself.

Why should I give you the money?

I'll put in a good word for you, huh?

I give you the money if you promise me one thing.

Yeah, sure. What?

Nick, you're certainly it when a fellow needs a friend.

Nick, you're a Daisy,

And you, too, whoever you are.

Hello, Toby.

Got to light them all.

Everybody takes it for granted.

If I didn't light them, it would be dark.

That's right, Toby.

The freethinker.

Hello, biff.

And all dressed up like astor's pet horse.

Where are the bloomers?

If you're really interested...

Never mind!

What are you doing here, anyway?

Oh, I got a night off from the hot-water bottles and the bedpans.

I'm not interested.

May I sit down?

It's a free country.

I do wish you'd tie a tin can to yourself and beat it.

I've got a date here.

I know. Virginia told me.

She did?

There you go.

Proves you can't trust any woman, not even Virginia.

But don't you think you're going to tag along after us, now.

Don't worry, biff. I won't.

I'm just out for a little fresh air, and...

And I promise I'll go whenever you want me to.

As soon as we hear Virginia's first footsteps,

That's when I want you to.

All right, biff.

Nice evening.

Yes.

Mmm. Swell.

Pretty soon the moon will be up.

Last night, it came up early.

Oh, there it is now!

Hmm. Right on time.

It's beautiful.

This time of night, things seem still and quiet, don't they?

Soon the fall will be here.

Trees will get bare. And then winter.

I don't like the winter.

No?

No.

I get lonesome when winter comes.

You get lonesome?

Yes.

I know how you feel.

I get lonesome, too.

Oh, do you, biff?

Yeah. A little.

How is it you haven't got a date tonight?

Freethinkers have a lot of time on their hands.

Biff...

If I ask you something, will you tell me?

What?

You don't have to tell me unless you want to.

What is it?

Do you love Virginia?

Now, what business is it of yours?

I guess you do,

Otherwise, you wouldn't be angry.

Yes, I do.

Schultz's music must be making me soft,

Or else I wouldn't be telling you about it.

Maybe I'm a little bit too crazy about her,

But somehow, she's my ideal.

Every fellow has an ideal,

Somebody he cares for, and when he cares for that somebody, why,

Nothing else matters.

It's like... Well, it's like an ingrown pain.

It starts in the pit of your stomach

And works on up to your neck.

Well, that's the way I feel about Virginia.

I see, biff.

Biff, I saw Virginia this afternoon,

And she...

There she is now. Go on, beat it. Will you beat it?

Ah, hello, there. Hello, Amy.

Hello.

I thought maybe you left already.

This is Josephine Miller. You know, uh...

Hello.

Say hello to mister grimes.

Hee hee hee! That's about all you can get from her.

Biff, I got a date with this giggler tonight.

I could use that 4 bucks.

You know I've got a date myself.

No, you don't got.

What are you talking about?

That tells the whole story.

What story?

Biff, you take it like I took it.

You know...

At 4:00 this afternoon, Virginia married Hugo barnstead.

What?

I shaved him for the ceremony.

What stopped me from to cut his throat?

Well, it's no surprise to me.

They left already for niagara falls.

Hugo took a lower sleeper.

No surprise to you?

You mooched 4 bucks from me for a date with Virginia, didn't you?

Oh, no. Not with Virginia.

I had a date with Amy.

You said Virginia.

No, no. I said Amy.

You had soap in your ears.

What do you suppose she's all dressed up for?

Why, yes. Biff and I have a steady date

Every Wednesday night.

Every Wednesday night?

Then what for all the time in the barbershop

You always say she got belfries in the bats?

Oh, no, not Amy. Virginia.

Nick, I knew all the time about Virginia and Hugo.

As a matter of fact, I helped pull it off.

Virginia's a nice girl, yes, but not for me.

Nick, if I wanted Virginia,

Do you suppose I'd let Hugo get away with it?

You know me, Nick.

I take nothing from nobody.

Biff, if we don't hurry, why, we'll be late for the show.

Well, then, I don't suppose there's any chance

To get the 4 bucks back now, huh?

Well, Nick, you see the situation.

Well, Amy's a nicer girl than Virginia.

How would you like to have two more bucks?

All right, Nick. Thanks.

It's all right.

In Greece, they got plenty words for you.

Well, nice to have met you.

Sisters! Good night.

When he climbs into that sleeper, I hope he breaks both his legs.

Oh, biff, that's not nice.

I bet you knew about it all the time, too.

I tried to tell you.

What did you come here for? To laugh at me?

Oh, biff.

You were right, Amy.

About what?

You were absolutely right.

About what?

You hit the nail right on the head.

Marriage is a lot of malarkey.

You meet a girl, you treat her nicely,

Behave respectably, and watch your language, and what does she do?

Runs off and marries another guy.

You were right. What is marriage?

Fellow meets a girl, and they like each other,

And why shouldn't they...

You mean...

Yes. Call a spade a spade.

A spade a spade!

Now, I like you, and...

You like me a little, don't you?

Oh, yes, I do, biff, but...

Well, then, why not?

Let me go.

Let me go!

Let me go!

Well, what is this? What's the idea?

I've never been so insulted in my life.

Well, then, what was all the fancy talk about?

A girl has a right to talk, hasn't she?

But you said your mother was an original bloomer girl.

Oh, no, she wasn't.

I bet your aunt wasn't even on the stage.

She was so... In the church play!

I bet you're all all-around fake.

Bet you never even smoked a cigarette.

I put them in my mouth sometimes, but I never lit them.

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

100% all-around fake.

Oh, stop crying, will you?

An empty barrel makes the most noise.

Now, stop crying...

Oh... Amy.

Amy, don't cry.

Will you turn off the waterworks?

Ha ha! Never even smoked a cigarette.

Well, now I'll tell you something.

I never inhale myself.

What do you think of that? Hmm?

You know, I want to thank you

For the way you helped me out when Nick was here,

Saying we had a date and everything.

That's all right.

Must be payday. Schultz's band is in tune.

You know, Amy, I think you're a very nice kid.

Really a very nice kid.

Amy, if I ask you something, you won't mind?

No.

Sure you won't mind?

Well, I... I don't think so.

Can I be your steady?

Do you want to?

Yes.

All right.

Then I can call on you? I mean, at your house?

Oh. Well, biff, I...

I'd like for you to, but, you see...

Oh, I know, I know. My reputation.

Oh, no. It's not yours.

It's... It's your father's.

Well... Well, then, I can meet you here

A couple of nights a week and take you out.

Yes.

But not tonight, though, huh?

I really don't feel like it.

Oh, I understand, biff.

But I can walk you home.

Thank you.

Well, then it's understood, huh?

I mean, we've got an understanding?

Yes.

But no more of this smoking business, lit or no lit.

All right.

And no more of this bloomer and free everything stuff.

I won't stand for any of that.

No more.

That's the way I'm constituted.

Biff...

Would you like to kiss me?

I hope he stands too close to the falls, gets his feet wet,

And catches a good cold.

That's what I hope.

These look kind of rough to you, Amy?

For a guy who's going to graduate in a month,

Not such a good job, huh?

Oh, I think it's cute.

It looks kind of tigerish.

Maybe I can get the dental rights at the zoo.

Pop knows a couple of tammany men.

Oh, as soon as I get my first paying client,

I'm going to quit that milk route.

Those hours.

I wish you'd do it now.

Delivering milk all night and studying all afternoon.

Oh, it's only another month.

You know what we ought to do tonight?

We really ought to go to some swell place for dinner.

Yeah? Why?

Well, it's a kind of anniversary.

A year and a half ago, we were married.

What do you know about that?

I bet you wouldn't have remembered.

Oh, biff grimes is too busy to be bothered with fractions.

How about a kiss and a half anyway?

In about 20 minutes, when I'm through here.

You don't have to come over here.

I'll come over there to you.

All right, then.

Come in.

Hello, Nick.

Whew! What a day.

Why not you don't have a telephone?

Next month, we'll have every modern convenience.

Won't have to go outside for a thing.

Won't you sit down, Nick?

Got no time. Biff, your old man

Is in a fight down in big Joe's saloon.

I think you better go down there.

Who you think?

I'll get my hat.

Is no reason for you to get into one.

You know me.

Anniversary.

Stay out of here, and don't come back anymore!

Why...

Well, it's me teeth responsible for me troublesome disposition.

Come on.

I should say you have.

You were out for almost an hour.

Why do you have to pick on 3 of them?

A paltry 3.

Biff, me boy, at gettysburg,

Your father, who never took nothing from nobody,

Took on a whole battalion.

Of course, I didn't do well there, too,

But that was when me teeth first started bothering me.

I think I better take you over to my place.

No. Son, you know the kind of a man I am.

Take me to Mrs. mulcahey's.

Her husband's working overtime.

Oh, biff!

Spruce up, pop. It's Virginia.

Biff grimes, after all these years!

Hello, Virginia. Gosh, you look wonderful!

Oh, biff.

But you! Is that another black eye or the same one?

Oh, no. It's a fresh one.

Biff, you're incorrigible.

I guess so.

Well, what are you doing around here?

Oh, I don't forget my old neighborhood and my old friends

Just because Hugo's doing so well.

By the way, where's Amy? What's happened to her?

Oh, nothing much. She married me.

Only after I turned her down.

Oh, excuse me. This is my dad. Mrs. barnstead.

I'm very happy to know you, Mr. grimes.

I would so like to see you and Amy again.

I'm sure Hugo would, too.

What about tonight?

Oh, I'm so sorry, but I can't make it tonight.

Those dull dinners the mayor gives.

But tomorrow night, why don't you and Amy have dinner with us?

I don't know...

It'll be lots of fun.

There's a new dish the Italian immigrants just brought over.

Spag... Spaghetti, I think it's called.

We have a new chef who makes it.

Please, biff.

Wonderful! 8:00 sharp, then.

18 gramercy park South.

Now, can I drop you someplace?

Oh, no, thanks. I'm taking the uptown trolley.

I only live a few blocks from here.

Step in, Mr. grimes.

Thank you kindly.

Give my love to Amy. Till tomorrow night.

Bye.

Biff hasn't got a brain in his head.

I haven't any room for him in my organization.

You needn't sound so important.

Besides, you owe biff something.

Yeah? What makes you so interested

In biff all of a sudden?

Amy was one of my best girlfriends,

And obviously they're not doing so well.

Yes. Obviously biff is still nice-looking.

Oh, you make me tired.

Why don't you pick your mind up out of the gutter?

Why should I? You helped put it there.

Honey, why can't you be nice to me once in a while?

Oh, I often think about it.

Then I remember we're married, so why bother?

You're so clever, Hugo.

You could find some use for biff if you tried.

Well, all right. I'll try.

Say, I've got just the spot for a guy who ain't none too bright.

What?

Vice president.

Thanks, dear.

There's only one chandelier

Like that in this town, and that one's it!

Cost me a small fortune, too.

And these chairs, they were ordered for a millionaire,

But I offered the firm more,

So now you're sitting in them.

These are all hand paintings by an Italian master.

Uh... Giovanni boccigaloop califano.

He's quite a fellow over there.

By the way, when we were in London, we heard caruso.

He's got a mighty fine voice...

That is, if you can understand the language.

I just can't get over that electric light.

Isn't it dangerous?

Not if you pay the bills. Ha ha ha!

Well, my father and his father before him

Got along all right with gaslight.

Yeah.

Virginia, I think that's

The most beautiful dress I've ever seen.

They do have lovely things in Paris.

I wanted to buy every dress there.

Why, I thought you did, dear.

Your dress is beautiful, too, dear.

Oh, don't you recognize it?

I made it over from that old blue one

You used to like so much.

Oh, I do wish I could make my own clothes.

Well, next Saturday, you go down to seagle and coopers

And get the best dress they have.

That'll be nice.

Get 2 or 3.

Yes, dear.

Anything the French can do, we can do better.

I know I must sound awful

Saying everything is so wonderful,

But I've never tasted such delicious soup.

What is it?

Well, that was silly. We should have gone down there to eat it.

Ah, this must be the spaghetti.

Spaghetti a LA giuseppe.

Well, what...

Where did I get the idea it would look like steak?

You've got to hand it to these Italians when it comes to cooking.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Anything they can cook, we can cook better.

I don't know what's gotten into him.

He never cared one way or the other about foreigners.

Now, everybody, when you get your spaghetti,

You take your fork and spoon

And mix the stuff up plenty

So that the sauce goes all the way through it.

Ahem. Oh, yes, dear.

Well, biff, my boy, this is not entirely a social visit, you know.

After all, when a man has risen suddenly and,

If I may say so, spectacularly to business prominence...

Before he tells you the story of his life,

I'd better break the news to you.

Hugo told me tonight...

Biff, he wants to take you into the firm with him.

What? Are you serious?

Well, after all, we grew up together.

I promised you once I'd take care of you, didn't I?

I'm not the sort of a man who forgets his friends.

Now, as to the spaghetti,

You wind it around your fork and press it against your spoon.

Well, uh... Hugo, I don't know what to say.

I've been studying to be a dentist all these years, and...

All those letters I've read.

Where are you going to get pulling teeth?

Listen, I've got a couple of firms.

I plan to make you an executive of one of them.

An executive!

Hugo, I'm not getting anyplace with this spaghetti!

Well, maybe it's the other way around.

Maybe you wrap it around your spoon

And press it against your fork.

At first, it wouldn't pay any more than you're making now,

But after 6 months when you've caught on to the business...

Oop!

It's all right, dear.

I've got a lapful.

Hugo, I don't know how to thank you.

All I can say is I'll try.

Whoop!

It's alive!

Look, dear, why don't we confess to giuseppe

That we don't know how to eat spaghetti

And ask him how?

You know what a snob giuseppe is. He'll quit!

Well, maybe if we show it we're not afraid of it

And look it right in the eye...

Oh, come on now, everybody.

It's really very simple.

You just wrap your spoon around your fork

And make sure there are no loose ends.

Now, come on. Let's try.

It's nothing.

It's really, uh...

Hey, what...

You never can trust these newfangled contraptions.

What do you suppose it is, biff?

Ah, must be a fuse.

Yeah, well, I got some matches.

I'll light some candles or something.

Hey, Jenkins, get me some matches.

Got some over here.

Oh, I told tom Edison it would never work.

Can I help you?

I had some matches around here.

I don't know where I put them.

I'm sorry this had to happen.

Oh, we had a lovely time anyway.

Well, I certainly enjoyed

The ham and eggs you made, Virginia.

Well, see you at the office tomorrow.

Hugo, I can hardly believe it.

Thanks again.

Yes. Ha ha!

Must have crawled into my pocket.

Yes, they certainly do get around, don't they?

I'm afraid to look under my collar.

Well, good night, Amy. Good night, biff.

Good night, Hugo.

Good night, biff.

Good night, Virginia.

Good night.

I can't get over it.

This morning, I was a milkman.

Next month, I was going to be a dentist,

And tomorrow, I'm an executive.

And in a little while,

You bet. When we get to London, we'll hear caruso sing.

If he can sing for them, he can sing for us.

You know, that was very romantic

The way you threw your arms around my neck and kissed me.

Me? When?

When the lights went out.

That wasn't me, biff.

It wasn't?

Well, it wasn't giuseppe.

I don't like these.

Get me a new set.

Is that contract on my desk?

Yes, sir.

Oh, uh... Mr. Reed, have the afternoon papers come in yet?

Not yet, Mr. grimes.

Well, I... I guess I'll have to read this one all over again.

Ah. Sign these, will you, biff?

What's in them?

Oh, nothing important. Just specifications.

Oh, Hugo, for the past 6 months,

All I've done is sign papers I don't understand.

I'm supposed to be an executive,

Look at my desk. Not even a letter on it.

All right. I'll have Mr. Reed put fresh letters on it every morning.

I've got to get something more to do, Hugo.

I'm going crazy.

What are you complaining about?

You've got a nice office.

You're learning the business.

Pretty soon now, you'll be able

To understand what you're signing.

In the meantime, I've got to run over to the club for lunch.

I'll have some more papers for you to sign this afternoon.

Do you mind if,

I run down to pop's job and watch him work?

Not at all, not at all. That's a good idea.

Oh, Mr. barnstead.

Give us that hammer.

Scamper up above there and see if them timbers are up there, will you?

Hello, pop.

Biffy, see that Mrs. mulcahey

And the others

Don't take it too hard.

Oh, what kind of talk is this out of you?

You're not dying.

The heck I ain't.

Say, the boys in the barbershop

Are laying 3-1 you pull through.

I'd take it.

Oh, you know how it is with us, pop.

We don't take nothing from nobody,

Especially a brick wall.

Biff, it's very funny.

My teeth don't hurt anymore.

Well, maybe it's kind of lonesome in here for you.

We might have you moved over to the women's ward.

A man with your influence in tammany, you know?

Look here, treadway. You're our attorney.

What can I do? The building department check-up shows that

Inferior materials were used in direct violation of the law.

D.A.'S acting on it now.

Well, I didn't know what was in those specifications.

Hugo just brought them in, and I just signed them.

Well, I didn't know what was in them either.

What do I know about such things?

All I knew, it was a few cents cheaper.

Of course, your skirts are clean, barnstead.

Technically, you're not an officer in this corporation.

They can't do a thing to you.

Huh. Is that so?

Now, just a minute.

Does that mean that I'm left holding the bag again?

Oh, no, no, no, biff.

There's always a way out of these things.

We'll do everything we can. Won't we, treadway?

I'm afraid there's very little we can do.

Only a few months till election.

The d.A.'S got to get convictions.

Just a minute.

All my life, you've been stepping on me,

And I've been taking it.

Biff, do you think I wanted that wall to cave in?

Do you think I planned it that way?

Why, I'm just as broken up about this as you are.

I don't know what you wanted. All I know is...

Grimes in?

Got a warrant from the d.A.'S office.

Biff knows us. Just tell him Matt and Charlie.

I'm afraid he isn't in.

I'm afraid he is.

We'll take a look around.

Amy?

Amy?

Amy?

You're going to come along quietly. Aren't you, biff?

Hello, Matt. Hello, Charlie.

Biff, you ran away from us at the office.

Please don't try it again.

What do you want?

I'm sorry. We got to arrest you.

Oh, no, you don't. I had nothing to do with that,

And you're not going to hold me responsible for it.

If you want me, you try and take me.

Oh, come on, biff.

Well...

Well, it's, uh... Very nice of you

To come up here, Matt,

And I certainly appreciate it.

Hello, Amy.

And I'd be very happy to accept your offer as long as you...

What's the matter?

Why, nothing's the matter. Nothing.

I was just telling Charlie here that...

Oh, you know Charlie brown and Matt Hughes.

Hello.

You see, the police department is holding a clambake,

That is, it's giving a clambake

Down at coney island next Wednesday.

Or is it Thursday?

And they've asked me to act on the committee,

And I was just telling them that...

Oh, that's awfully nice.

Yeah, isn't it?

Well, do you boys want me to go down there now

And start making the arrangements?

Yes. That might be a good thing.

All right.

Uh... I'll be back in a little while, Amy.

All right, biff.

You'll wait for me?

I'll wait.

Biff!

Biff!

Grimes, you're wonderful.

I've always been mortally afraid of that drilling,

But under your hands, I didn't feel a thing.

Thank you, warden.

Well, I'm expecting my diploma almost any day now.

Open a little wider, please.

You know, a man of your ability doesn't belong in prison.

I think I'll speak to the governor about a pardon.

Would you?

Yeah. Makes quite a nice little hole, doesn't it?

Hey, what the...

Why, you fool! You idiot!

No wonder I didn't feel anything.

You drilled right through my bridge!

Remember, warden, I'm only a student.

Get out of here, you. Get back to your cell!

That bridge cost me $100!

This isn't going to spoil it for the pardon, is it?

Pardon? I'm going to put you in solitary confinement!

Throw him into the dungeon!

Well, if you need me, warden, you know where to find me.

Why, you...

You think biff like the idea

You move back to the old neighborhood?

He didn't say.

He never said very much in his letters.

It's a funny thing why he don't want

Nobody should meet him to the train.

I can understand.

He'll have to pass by this way.

I'd rather meet him here.

Well, I go.

Two's company. Three is too much.

Tell biff I give him his first haircut and shave

For nothing, free.

I will, Nick. Thanks.

But for the shampoo, he have to pay.

Hello, Amy.

Biff.

Yep. It's me.

I, uh...

I was going right over to the house.

I didn't want anybody to come

To the station to meet me.

I know.

You know...

I knew you'd be here.

I don't know how. I just knew it.

I got out at 12:00.

The warden was a grand guy.

Shook hands with me and wished me all kinds of luck.

Amy, are you glad to see me?

You know I am, biff.

Good to see you, and good to be back.

5 years.

Seems more like 10.

Biff.

Amy, I want to thank you...

For all your goodness and kindness.

Amy, you all right?

I'm all right.

It's just...

Seeing you again.

I learned an awful lot while I was away.

You know, Amy, there's an awful lot of good in people

If you just look for it.

Trouble is, we don't look for it.

We just go through life saying,

"I'm all right, and the other fellow is all wrong."

I know, biff.

Of course you know. You've always known.

Schultz?

What is that they're playing?

Something new, isn't it?

Let the rest of the world go by.

Let the rest of the world go by.

We'll have to let this neighborhood go by, Amy.

All right with you?

Wherever you go, I'll go, biff.

Something worthwhile is going to happen for biff grimes.

Biff grimes is going to be biff grimes.

I know it.

Nothing going to be too good for him and his family.

Nothing.

Amy, I love you.

I think you're the loveliest lady in the whole world.

I love your hair, your eyes...

I love you, too, biff.

Biff, the door. He's here.

Show him in, Nick. I'll take care of him.

Now, biff, keep your temper.

Hugo's an alderman, a big man.

Has money, position, everything, and look at me.

Look at me.

Show him in, Nick.

Why do these things have to happen to me on Sunday of all days?

Will you stop whining down my neck?

If it isn't one thing with you, it's another.

Now, listen, virgie, you can talk to me

In our own home any way you want to,

But when we're in a stranger's...

Aw, shut up!

Biff grimes?

Hello, Hugo.

I did.

You mean you let me come in here deliberately?

I have to have some excitement in my life, don't I?

Hello, biff.

Say, don't nobody say hello to me, Nick pappalas?

Remember, you used to walk past my barbershop.

Remember, you used to walk past my barbershop. I'm one of the boys who whistled.

I'm one of the boys who whistled.

And today, after 8 years with this specimen,

I'd have to do the whistling.

I used to walk blocks out of my way

Just to pass the barbershop

To give the boys a chance to whistle.

But you never whistled, did you, biff?

No. I had too much respect for you.

Sure. Any other girl pass by...

He whistled right with the rest of us.

Remember our first date in the park?

You and Hugo couldn't stop the horse.

It's a funny thing. My toothache's all gone.

There's no pain at all.

Good-bye, biff. It's nice to have seen you again.

Come, dear. We must get back.

Get into that chair. Your tooth hurts, and you know it.

Listen, I ought to know whether my tooth hurts or not.

I'm not going to have you whimpering

Like a sick puppy all night.

Excuse me a second. I'll get my jacket.

Uh, take your time, biff.

There's no hurry.

Still married to Amy, biff?

Yep.

So, she stuck to you.

Sure she did.

Good for her.

Well, look at me. I stuck to Hugo.

Mother, mother, mother, pin a rose on me.

You still look in pretty good shape.

Look at the wreck of the hesperus I married.

Do you think it's only his teeth?

He's only got one kidney,

And his liver's on its last legs.

Every doctor in town knows him better than I do.

And in the bargain, he's a hypochondriac.

Sits up all night thinking up new diseases to catch.

Well, I'm not a well man.

This isn't going to hurt, is it, biff?

I can't guarantee anything.

Yeah? Well, I think it would be best if I took gas.

Just as you like, Hugo.

You know, biff, I meant to go up there

To see you, to sort of explain things.

Nothing for you to explain.

Well, I didn't do anything wrong.

I mean, my conscience is clear,

But if an apology would fix...

Look, Hugo, why don't you just forget the whole thing?

You mean, there's no hard feelings?

Not anymore. Not a bit of it.

You really mean that?

Well, say, that's awful big of you, biff.

Look, Hugo, before I give you the gas,

Which tooth is it?

There. That one right there.

Uh, a little wider, huh?

What's the idea? I wanted gas!

I haven't got anything against you anymore, Hugo,

But I wouldn't be quite human if I didn't take a little revenge.

How much do I owe you?

You don't owe me anything.

What's that?

You don't owe me anything.

I don't understand.

He doesn't understand.

Well, good-bye, biff.

I'd like to stay and see Amy,

But I wouldn't like her to see us.

Nick, tell the boys I'm not the Virginia brush they whistled at.

I still don't understand.

You don't understand. Well, when we get home,

I'll explain the whole thing to you with blocks.

Oh, when are you going to stop heckling?

When you stop breathing!

For heaven's sakes, I never...

Did he holler!

I didn't dare give him gas, Nick.

The temptation was too great.

You sure let him off easy.

I was the one who got off easy.

Ah, funny thing, Nick.

What?

Me and Hugo.

All my life, he's been stepping all over me.

I'm the dope, he's the wise guy.

He has everything, I have nothing.

I just realized it.

I'm a happy man. He's not.

Exactly. Whew!

You remember what we learned in Sunday school?

That vengeance is mine, saith the lord.

You think he takes a personal interest in Hugo?

I don't know who is doing it, but whoever it is

Is doing a very good job,

Better than I could do.

Yeah. I'd better go home now.

Congranulations, biff.

Thanks, Nick.

You know, if I married Virginia,

She would turn out difference.

Really?

Oh, Nick, you going?

Yes, I go home now.

Come back soon.

Thank you very much.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Did I hear a patient?

A quick one.

From the yell I heard, I don't think he'll be coming back.

I don't think so either.

You ready to go out?

Yep.

Get your hat.

Amy...

What's the matter, biff?

You know, I think you're very sweet

And very beautiful,

And I love you very much.

Oh, biff, do you feel all right?

I feel wonderful, and I haven't had a drink,

But I haven't told you this often enough.

Do you know what you mean to me?

That's not the band played on.

No, it isn't.

What do they want to do that for?

I love that song.

I'll bet those college boobs made him change it.

You go get my hat, and I'll be out in front in a minute.

Now, biff!

Now, just one minute.

Hey, you! The band played on!

What's the matter now?

I want the band played on.

Oh, you do? Well, we're tired of it.

I want to tell you something.

I'm awful tired of you.

Oh. Tired of all of us?

Every single one of you.

Let's see, what was I telling you?

Oh, Amy.

Look at you!

What, you mean this? Oh, that's nothing.

You ought to see the other fellow.

Listen.

Biff.

Now, let me see...

What was I starting to tell you?

I got something to tell you.

You mean...

Exactly.

Oh, Hugo!

Hugo!

Biff, right out here on the street!

When I want to kiss my wife,

I'll kiss her anytime, anyplace, anywhere.

That's the kind of a hairpin I am.