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1
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,510
Good morning.
2
00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:12,111
Henry rejected you.
3
00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:16,316
Eliza, it's Eliza.
Henry rejected you.
4
00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:18,451
Reminder: Henry rejected you.
5
00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:22,422
Henry had rejected me.
6
00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:23,557
It was true.
7
00:00:23,558 --> 00:00:25,058
And the worst part was,
8
00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:27,027
I still had to see him every day.
9
00:00:27,028 --> 00:00:29,863
So, I decided to employ the
techniques of Corynn McWatters,
10
00:00:29,864 --> 00:00:31,331
ambassador of bitchface.
11
00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:33,433
As the most popular girl in 7th grade,
12
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:36,403
Corynn handled anyone
who threatened her status.
13
00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:37,704
So, instead of crying in the bathroom,
14
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:39,439
I asked myself, "what would Corynn do?"
15
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:42,442
Step one, pretend not to see
the individual in question.
16
00:00:49,282 --> 00:00:53,282
Step two, pretend not to hear
the individual in question.
17
00:00:53,283 --> 00:00:55,488
Ooh.
18
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:56,890
Pardon me.
19
00:00:56,891 --> 00:00:58,625
What was that, Charlie?
20
00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:00,460
That was Henry who...
21
00:01:00,461 --> 00:01:02,395
Come again, Charlie?
22
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,397
Um, I didn't... I didn't say anything.
23
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:08,001
Oh, well. I must be
hearing things, Charlie.
24
00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:11,538
I think she's mad.
25
00:01:11,539 --> 00:01:13,840
You think?!
26
00:01:13,841 --> 00:01:15,675
And if steps one and two don't work,
27
00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:17,377
screw the junior-high-school tactics
28
00:01:17,378 --> 00:01:18,445
and "Gone Girl" his ass.
29
00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:21,314
Oh, he stabbed me! He stabbed me!
30
00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:22,749
Are you out of your mind?
31
00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:24,284
That's what he wants you to think.
32
00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:25,518
Joan, check my diary!
33
00:01:27,889 --> 00:01:30,056
Okay, how
long do you two fools
34
00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:31,524
plan on keeping this up?
35
00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:34,361
In the words of the
prepubescent new edition,
36
00:01:34,362 --> 00:01:37,030
cool it now, please!
37
00:01:37,031 --> 00:01:38,965
No matter what went down,
38
00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:41,401
I know the two of you
still care about each other.
39
00:01:47,407 --> 00:01:49,042
After you, Eliza.
40
00:01:51,577 --> 00:01:52,846
No, thanks! I'll walk!
41
00:01:53,848 --> 00:01:56,383
Oh, my God.
42
00:01:56,384 --> 00:01:57,851
She snubbed me!
43
00:01:57,852 --> 00:01:58,885
Did you see that?
44
00:01:58,886 --> 00:02:00,854
She totally snubbed me, did she not?!
45
00:02:00,855 --> 00:02:02,589
It was a snub
46
00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:04,758
because according to Corynn McWatters,
47
00:02:04,759 --> 00:02:06,593
whoever caves first gets cankles,
48
00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:08,762
and I am not getting
cankles because of Henry.
49
00:02:08,763 --> 00:02:12,299
I'm trying to be
mature about this, you know?
50
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:13,767
I'm trying to foster communication.
51
00:02:13,768 --> 00:02:15,435
I'm trying to make the best
52
00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:17,037
of an admittedly awkward situation.
53
00:02:18,405 --> 00:02:22,842
Well, from now on, Eliza Dooley
can clean up her own messes.
54
00:02:30,517 --> 00:02:32,786
Are you aware
that the building manager
55
00:02:32,787 --> 00:02:36,523
was banging on your door
for 45 minutes this morning?
56
00:02:36,524 --> 00:02:39,759
He finally gave up and started
knocking on Bryn's door.
57
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,361
It pretty much ruined
58
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:42,762
her "Breakfast at
Tiffany's" themed breakfast.
59
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:45,332
That she has been planning for nine years.
60
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:48,935
- Nine.
- I did not chignon my hair for this.
61
00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:50,937
You guys, this is not fair.
62
00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:53,640
Mr. Old Man is always picking on me.
63
00:02:53,641 --> 00:02:56,476
Maybe it's because you
call him Mr. Old Man.
64
00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:57,811
When it's Mr. Oldman.
65
00:02:57,812 --> 00:03:00,380
Or maybe it's because
you're personally responsible
66
00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:02,349
for all of the building's plumbing issues.
67
00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:03,316
It wasn't untrue.
68
00:03:03,317 --> 00:03:04,651
When I go out drinking,
69
00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:06,653
I don't just flush money down the toilet.
70
00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:09,823
These are garbage!
71
00:03:09,824 --> 00:03:11,825
I also flush hosiery.
72
00:03:13,928 --> 00:03:15,996
And cheeseburgers.
73
00:03:18,432 --> 00:03:21,801
Oldman wants an increase
on your security deposit.
74
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:24,571
- Wha...?
- Not just for the ongoing plumbing issues,
75
00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:26,339
but also for what you did to your walls.
76
00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:28,341
Uh, is that us?!
77
00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:31,678
That was there when I moved in.
78
00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:34,047
He wants to be reimbursed for the damages.
79
00:03:34,048 --> 00:03:35,715
And your rent is due.
80
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,550
And that drawing of my bangs is hurtful.
81
00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:38,685
Whoa!
82
00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:41,054
Whoa, that is a lot to take in all at once.
83
00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:44,357
Maybe it wouldn't be all at
once if you handled your bidness.
84
00:03:44,358 --> 00:03:45,692
Um...
85
00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:48,028
I handle my bidness.
86
00:03:48,029 --> 00:03:51,731
It's just that Mr. Old
Man is super uptight.
87
00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:55,694
And the electric company
is super uptight, too.
88
00:03:55,695 --> 00:04:00,694
Sync/Corrections: kDragon, ReSync: Kk.False
www.Addic7ed.com
89
00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:13,574
Selfie S01E11
90
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:17,657
Baby... baby headaches, be gone.
91
00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:19,659
Baby headaches, leave.
92
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:23,296
- Baby headaches, be... Bes... Befell...
- Sir?
93
00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:24,764
Charlie, knock, please.
94
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,299
Were you raised in a barn?
95
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:27,967
Yes.
96
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,903
- What?
- Yes, I was.
97
00:04:29,904 --> 00:04:33,606
Well, not in a barn, but near a barn.
98
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:34,607
On a farm.
99
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:39,012
We grew wheat and also... hops.
100
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:43,049
Just knock. What do you want?
101
00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:45,652
Uh, saperstein's ready for
your annual performance review.
102
00:04:45,653 --> 00:04:47,654
Yes!
103
00:04:47,655 --> 00:04:49,422
Whoo! Let's do this.
104
00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:50,590
Good luck, sir.
105
00:04:50,591 --> 00:04:52,759
No luck involved, Chuck.
106
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:56,596
I've received the highest
review score five years running,
107
00:04:56,597 --> 00:04:58,932
never less than a 98%.
108
00:04:58,933 --> 00:05:01,267
Just call me "Henry Potter."
109
00:05:01,268 --> 00:05:02,602
Why?
110
00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:06,602
Because I make magic
like a workplace wizard.
111
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,945
Actually, don't call me "Henry Potter."
112
00:05:11,946 --> 00:05:14,314
Hindsight, I really feel like
I would very much dislike it
113
00:05:14,315 --> 00:05:18,051
if people actually started calling me that.
114
00:05:18,052 --> 00:05:20,420
89%?
115
00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:21,888
That can't be right. That's a "B".
116
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:24,057
That's a... that's a "B".
117
00:05:24,058 --> 00:05:25,358
What am I, hufflepuff?
118
00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:27,961
Don't get hysterical. It's a high "B".
119
00:05:27,962 --> 00:05:29,462
In some state schools,
120
00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:31,498
that might even be considered a B-Plus.
121
00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:34,367
I've never gotten less than
an "A" in my entire life.
122
00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:35,835
Yeah. Yeah.
123
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,837
"A", "B",
124
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:40,273
"C", "W"...
125
00:05:40,274 --> 00:05:41,875
- "X".
- Sir?
126
00:05:41,876 --> 00:05:44,010
They're just letters, Henry.
127
00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:45,445
And if I were you,
128
00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:47,580
I'd be more concerned about
the negative peer evaluations
129
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,849
that dragged down your
score in the first place.
130
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:53,319
Negative peer evaluati...
131
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:57,023
Uh, sir, would you mind
if I took this file home
132
00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,291
to review the comments?
133
00:05:58,292 --> 00:06:01,361
I'm sure I can learn
a lot from my... peers.
134
00:06:04,564 --> 00:06:06,065
Charmonique.
135
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:07,767
It's me, Eliza.
136
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:09,702
I'm wearing a trucker hat.
137
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,371
I can see that.
138
00:06:11,372 --> 00:06:12,839
Do you have a key to the executive gym?
139
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:15,542
I had to vacate my premises
unexpectedly this morning.
140
00:06:15,543 --> 00:06:16,676
Vacate your premises?
141
00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:18,378
Mm-hmm. Listen.
142
00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:19,879
My electric's off and my rent's due,
143
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,514
along with an unforeseen security deposit
144
00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:23,750
and a "probably should have
foreseen" plumbing bill.
145
00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:26,019
I know you've been
there, #teamCharmonique.
146
00:06:26,020 --> 00:06:28,354
Oh! don't drag team Charmonique into this.
147
00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:29,689
Team Charmonique pays her bills on time.
148
00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:31,858
Therefore, team Charmonique
149
00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:33,993
does not wish to be associated
with some broke-ass...
150
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,995
Hey, I'm not broke. I am not broke.
151
00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:38,031
I just find certain things stressful,
152
00:06:38,032 --> 00:06:39,866
like, bills, invoices, payments,
153
00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:42,001
debits, deposits, withdraws, transfers,
154
00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:44,370
checks, money orders,
money market, savings,
155
00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:46,673
interest, account numbers,
pin numbers, and prime numbers?
156
00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:48,841
Maybe? What are those, again?
157
00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,310
Numbers greater than 1
158
00:06:50,311 --> 00:06:52,579
that are divisible only
by themselves and 1.
159
00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:54,447
#TeamCharmonique.
160
00:06:54,448 --> 00:06:57,050
Those are fine, but the rest of
that stuff freaks me the freak out.
161
00:06:57,051 --> 00:06:58,885
You know what doesn't seem
to freak you the freak out?
162
00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:00,053
Spending money,
163
00:07:00,054 --> 00:07:02,789
- 'cause those boots look brand-new.
- Oh.
164
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,324
They are.
165
00:07:04,325 --> 00:07:05,425
You are not wrong.
166
00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:08,428
I really do like spending money,
167
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:10,363
but now my credit cards are maxed,
168
00:07:10,364 --> 00:07:11,764
I've got not cash, and, plus...
169
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,299
I'm homeless.
170
00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:14,701
Mm.
171
00:07:14,702 --> 00:07:16,402
You know whose help you need?
172
00:07:16,403 --> 00:07:19,305
Don't say Steve Harvey.
Please, don't say Steve Harvey.
173
00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:20,773
What? Girl, no!
174
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,642
I'm talking about your boy Henry Potter.
175
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:24,344
Are people calling him that now?
176
00:07:24,345 --> 00:07:25,979
Spread like wildfire this very morning.
177
00:07:25,980 --> 00:07:27,313
See?
178
00:07:27,314 --> 00:07:29,315
I didn't even know that because
Henry's not my boy anymore.
179
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:30,817
Things got weird between us,
180
00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:33,953
and so my only recourse is to
ignore him until one of us dies.
181
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,456
Or you could try being a grown woman.
182
00:07:36,457 --> 00:07:37,757
I am a grown woman!
183
00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:40,627
Then go wash your ass and talk to Henry.
184
00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:44,964
#HygieneFirst, #TeamCharmonique.
185
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:48,268
Look at this. "A born leader."
186
00:07:49,836 --> 00:07:51,504
"The consummate professional."
187
00:07:53,373 --> 00:07:55,642
"Stone-cold stud."
188
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:57,310
I'm guessing this one is Larry.
189
00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:58,444
Where is it? Come on.
190
00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:01,414
Ah! Aha!
191
00:08:01,415 --> 00:08:03,816
I knew it. I knew.
192
00:08:04,684 --> 00:08:07,520
It's not my peers who
brought down my average.
193
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:09,355
It's my peer.
194
00:08:09,356 --> 00:08:12,392
One anonymous peer,
195
00:08:12,393 --> 00:08:16,029
one bitter, "hell hath no
fury like a woman scorned" peer
196
00:08:16,030 --> 00:08:18,298
who gave me an "F" and
called me a bit of a poop.
197
00:08:18,299 --> 00:08:19,666
Who, I ask,
198
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:22,969
do you suppose would resort
to something so infantine?
199
00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:24,804
I have no idea.
200
00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:27,273
Well, I do.
201
00:08:32,745 --> 00:08:34,747
This stinks of Eliza.
202
00:08:36,302 --> 00:08:39,687
I couldn't go to Henry,
who was convinced I tanked his peer review,
203
00:08:39,688 --> 00:08:42,388
and I couldn't go home, so,
that left me no other choice
204
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:43,856
than to check into a five-star hotel.
205
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:46,492
Oh. Declined. Have another?
206
00:08:46,493 --> 00:08:47,794
Okay.
207
00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:50,129
Why don't we try, uh, $10 on a green visa,
208
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:54,133
$15 on the blue visa, maybe
5 bucks on the mastercard.
209
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:55,435
Hold on.
210
00:08:55,436 --> 00:08:57,570
Ma'am, you didn't mention
211
00:08:57,571 --> 00:09:00,740
- that you're a double dollar rewards member.
- I am?
212
00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:02,403
You have more rewards points
than anyone I've ever seen.
213
00:09:02,404 --> 00:09:03,723
I do?
214
00:09:03,724 --> 00:09:05,578
You could book the presidential
suite with all these points.
215
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:06,913
Then I will.
216
00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:10,516
Look at me, the first
female president-ial suite.
217
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,490
Whoo! Whoo! Yeah!
218
00:09:17,491 --> 00:09:19,492
Yeah! Baby! Champagne!
219
00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:30,136
After hard-core stressing
out over money I didn't have,
220
00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:31,904
it was time to blow off some steam
221
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,506
using money I didn't have.
222
00:09:33,507 --> 00:09:34,674
Cheers.
223
00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:36,008
Cheers.
224
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:40,546
Shit.
225
00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:42,915
Oh, see? Now, this is
why I don't look at mail.
226
00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:45,451
So much for hotel living.
227
00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:46,652
Much like Lindsay Lohan
228
00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:48,988
when she finally got kicked
out of Château Marmont,
229
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:51,657
it was time for me to make
a terrible Liz Taylor biopic
230
00:09:51,658 --> 00:09:53,493
or find some other, less embarrassing way
231
00:09:53,494 --> 00:09:55,495
to raise some cash for Mr. Old Man.
232
00:09:55,496 --> 00:09:57,997
For just $75 cash,
233
00:09:57,998 --> 00:10:00,566
this lightly used Sephora
gift card can be yours.
234
00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:02,802
That's a $50 gift card.
235
00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:04,504
Yes, but I had to factor in labor.
236
00:10:04,505 --> 00:10:06,672
It took me an hour to scrape
this off my car's upholstery
237
00:10:06,673 --> 00:10:09,709
thanks to the pumpkin-spice
latte I spilled on the seat.
238
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:11,043
Ew! Those have been out of
season for like three months.
239
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:13,546
How about any of these? DSW?
240
00:10:13,547 --> 00:10:14,847
- Amazon?
- Mnh-mnh.
241
00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:17,450
- Chili's? AMC theaters?
- Mm.
242
00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:19,919
Two pinkberrys away
from getting a free pinkberry...
243
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,988
- At Participating Stores?
- No!
244
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:23,823
Look, if you're trying to get
some action on these cards,
245
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:26,158
you need to offer a discount.
246
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:28,427
I'll give you 30 bucks
for that $50 Chili's.
247
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:29,595
Done.
248
00:10:29,596 --> 00:10:31,664
Yes!
249
00:10:33,399 --> 00:10:35,535
What up, sexies?
250
00:10:35,536 --> 00:10:36,736
Hi.
251
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,437
How would you two sexy sexies
252
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:41,073
like to buy a Talbots gift
card for half its value?
253
00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:43,843
I gave you that Talbots gift card
254
00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:45,845
as a secret Santa gift last Christmas.
255
00:10:47,548 --> 00:10:49,115
Spoiler alert. Linda?
256
00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:50,950
- Mnh-mnh. No.
- No?
257
00:10:50,951 --> 00:10:53,586
Well, then, uh, d...
does anyone want to buy
258
00:10:53,587 --> 00:10:57,924
a hot... new, still-in-style trucker hat?
259
00:11:00,459 --> 00:11:01,661
No? Fine.
260
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:04,497
Well, um, swing by my desk later.
261
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:07,800
I'm having a bake sale. Whoa. Bake sale.
262
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:11,938
Bake sale? Is that a euphemism?
263
00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:13,873
I'm not sure.
264
00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:16,442
Raj, I just need you to confirm.
265
00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:18,544
It was Eliza Dooley who
wrote that remark about me,
266
00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:19,545
was it not?
267
00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:22,682
Henry, I'm sorry. I would like to help you.
268
00:11:22,683 --> 00:11:24,717
But the evaluation must remain anonymous.
269
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:26,552
Come on, Raj.
270
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:29,755
It's just you and me here.
You're a smart man.
271
00:11:29,756 --> 00:11:31,157
I know you'll do the right thing.
272
00:11:31,158 --> 00:11:34,527
Henry, I believe you're
trying to intimidate me.
273
00:11:34,528 --> 00:11:36,462
I would report you to H.R.
274
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:39,131
But unfortunately, in
this case, that is me.
275
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:40,800
Raj...
276
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:43,436
If it was Eliza, you just say it's Eliza.
277
00:11:48,642 --> 00:11:50,643
You are very persuasive,
278
00:11:50,644 --> 00:11:53,646
but I cannot break the tenets
of the human-resources oath.
279
00:11:53,647 --> 00:11:55,915
There's a human-resources oath?
280
00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:59,452
On my honor, as a human-resources officer,
281
00:11:59,453 --> 00:12:02,655
do I promise to provide an
equal-opportunity workplace,
282
00:12:02,656 --> 00:12:04,790
free of discrimination, harassment,
283
00:12:04,791 --> 00:12:05,891
and the divulgement
284
00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:07,727
of confidential personal information.
285
00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:09,395
If I should breaketh such laws,
286
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,964
may my lips wither and turn to dust.
287
00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:15,368
Well, it sounds like
there's some wiggle room.
288
00:12:15,369 --> 00:12:16,502
Never mind.
289
00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:18,871
'Twasn't her.
290
00:12:21,540 --> 00:12:22,508
What was that?
291
00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:26,579
'Twas not Eliza.
292
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,515
Damn it.
293
00:12:31,951 --> 00:12:33,452
Eliza?
294
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:34,854
Hmm? What are you doing in my office?
295
00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:36,555
Are you wearing pajamas?
296
00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:37,657
Are you drinking peaches?
297
00:12:38,824 --> 00:12:40,960
- Are you living here now?
- No!
298
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:42,461
I'm not.
299
00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:44,430
These aren't pajamas. This is lounge wear.
300
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,564
I'm lounging...
301
00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:48,167
before I head off to the lounge,
302
00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:52,167
which is a new club/lounge
where everyone, like...
303
00:12:52,168 --> 00:12:54,073
Brings their own canned goods.
304
00:12:55,474 --> 00:12:58,010
Okay, I live here now.
305
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:04,050
This bill is in collections.
306
00:13:04,051 --> 00:13:05,018
Sorry.
307
00:13:05,019 --> 00:13:06,352
It's for $20.
308
00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:07,353
Oh!
309
00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:10,089
- I have $20. I have that.
- Look, Eliza,
310
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:12,192
the late fees are triple the
original cost of the bill.
311
00:13:12,193 --> 00:13:13,259
You sullied your credit
312
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:14,894
not because you didn't have the money...
313
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:16,129
But because I didn't open my mail.
314
00:13:16,130 --> 00:13:17,964
Right.
315
00:13:17,965 --> 00:13:20,300
Your grandmother wishes
you a Merry Christmas,
316
00:13:20,301 --> 00:13:22,969
- with $20 inside.
- Hmm.
317
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:24,103
Too little, too late, grandma.
318
00:13:24,104 --> 00:13:25,405
Okay.
319
00:13:25,406 --> 00:13:27,240
We're gonna have to set
you up with a proper budget.
320
00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:29,142
Where would you say the
bulk of your income goes?
321
00:13:29,143 --> 00:13:31,978
Just, like...
322
00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:35,582
Uh, Zappos, Amazon, Gilt...
323
00:13:35,583 --> 00:13:38,051
- All right...
- Net-a-Porter, StyleBop, ShopBop...
324
00:13:38,052 --> 00:13:40,553
- Eliza...
- Piperlime, fab.com, justfab.com...
325
00:13:40,554 --> 00:13:42,555
- Good God...
- Sephora, BlueFly,
326
00:13:42,556 --> 00:13:44,457
as well as cupping,
leeching, elbow bleaching,
327
00:13:44,458 --> 00:13:46,526
and that procedure where
little fish eat dead skin
328
00:13:46,527 --> 00:13:48,194
from all over my body.
329
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:49,629
What am I gonna do with you?
330
00:13:49,630 --> 00:13:51,965
You're not mad at me anymore.
331
00:13:51,966 --> 00:13:54,133
I would say I'm... I'm, um...
332
00:13:54,134 --> 00:13:56,102
- I'm disappointed.
- Yes,
333
00:13:56,103 --> 00:13:58,271
but in the normal way that
you're always disappointed.
334
00:13:58,272 --> 00:14:00,006
I can tell you're not mad at me anymore.
335
00:14:00,007 --> 00:14:01,874
Oh, I know you didn't write that review,
336
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:04,978
and I'm sorry for assuming
it was you because...
337
00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:07,880
because we, uh...
338
00:14:09,048 --> 00:14:11,417
Because I...
339
00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:13,920
Apology accepted.
340
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:17,523
Right, so we will deal with
341
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,460
your building manager and your
lack of electricity tomorrow.
342
00:14:20,461 --> 00:14:22,295
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh for tonight, you can stay at my place.
343
00:14:22,296 --> 00:14:25,198
Your place?
344
00:14:27,747 --> 00:14:29,716
I'll s... be staying at Julia's.
345
00:14:29,717 --> 00:14:32,218
Of course. That's great.
346
00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:35,221
I get your place all to myself.
347
00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:36,622
Which means I can just walk around naked
348
00:14:36,623 --> 00:14:38,558
and put my butt on every single
piece of furniture you own.
349
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:41,194
J.K.
350
00:14:41,195 --> 00:14:43,696
I won't put my butt on all
your stuff. Don't worry.
351
00:14:43,697 --> 00:14:45,064
That's very kind of you.
352
00:14:45,065 --> 00:14:46,566
You're a real class act.
353
00:14:46,567 --> 00:14:48,634
I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable.
354
00:14:50,403 --> 00:14:53,239
I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable.
355
00:14:57,611 --> 00:15:00,146
All right.
Thank you very much.
356
00:15:20,033 --> 00:15:21,100
Hi.
357
00:15:21,101 --> 00:15:22,435
Stop snooping through my things.
358
00:15:25,505 --> 00:15:28,641
Okay. Sorry.
359
00:15:28,642 --> 00:15:30,626
Do you have hidden cameras
in here or something?
360
00:15:30,627 --> 00:15:33,279
Stop waving. There are no
hidden cameras. I just know you.
361
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,181
Turndown service?
362
00:15:35,182 --> 00:15:37,350
Uh, no, thank you.
363
00:15:37,351 --> 00:15:39,952
Who was that?
364
00:15:39,953 --> 00:15:42,955
That was Julia...
365
00:15:42,956 --> 00:15:45,224
pretending to be a hotel maid...
366
00:15:45,225 --> 00:15:46,292
Huh.
367
00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:47,727
Asking if I wanted turndown service.
368
00:15:47,728 --> 00:15:50,563
Um...
369
00:15:50,564 --> 00:15:52,732
She's into role-playing...
370
00:15:52,733 --> 00:15:54,167
kind of a super freak.
371
00:15:54,168 --> 00:15:56,102
Anyhoo, time to start having sex.
372
00:16:01,007 --> 00:16:03,342
Sounds good.
373
00:16:03,343 --> 00:16:05,044
I'll see you at work tomorrow.
374
00:16:06,013 --> 00:16:08,548
Whoo!
375
00:16:10,416 --> 00:16:12,585
Huh? What? Are you doing here?
376
00:16:12,586 --> 00:16:14,720
I could ask you the same thing.
377
00:16:14,721 --> 00:16:16,589
I don't know why I'm surprised.
378
00:16:16,590 --> 00:16:18,090
I should have known Henry would move on
379
00:16:18,091 --> 00:16:19,625
to your coltish, titian-haired delights.
380
00:16:19,626 --> 00:16:21,160
- What?
- Here.
381
00:16:21,161 --> 00:16:23,496
Please see that he gets his waterpik.
382
00:16:23,497 --> 00:16:25,665
I wouldn't want Henry's gums to be any...
383
00:16:27,133 --> 00:16:28,134
less tight.
384
00:16:41,747 --> 00:16:44,217
Ahh.
Whoa!
385
00:16:44,218 --> 00:16:45,218
Ahh.
386
00:16:45,219 --> 00:16:47,720
Wow! My bills are so beautiful!
387
00:16:47,721 --> 00:16:51,057
It's like an office-supply
store meets a magical rainbow.
388
00:16:51,058 --> 00:16:53,025
Nothing magical here.
It's just office supplies.
389
00:16:53,026 --> 00:16:54,527
But what about this...
390
00:16:54,528 --> 00:16:57,597
Sparkling bag of treasure?
391
00:16:57,598 --> 00:17:00,066
These are brads.
392
00:17:00,067 --> 00:17:02,101
Now, I've spoken to Mr. Old Man,
393
00:17:02,102 --> 00:17:04,270
who incidentally is 43 years of age,
394
00:17:04,271 --> 00:17:07,607
and he has agreed to a
monthly-installment plan
395
00:17:07,608 --> 00:17:10,276
that is far less than what you
spend on eye-makeup remover.
396
00:17:10,277 --> 00:17:13,646
Also, you spent too much
on eye-makeup remover.
397
00:17:15,282 --> 00:17:18,351
Thank you, Henry.
398
00:17:19,452 --> 00:17:22,421
I guess you really
know what a mess I am now.
399
00:17:22,422 --> 00:17:24,957
Nah, you're just in your 20s.
400
00:17:24,958 --> 00:17:26,225
It wasn't that long ago that I was
401
00:17:26,226 --> 00:17:28,728
- subject to my own fiscal foibles.
- Really?
402
00:17:28,729 --> 00:17:30,062
Let's just say there's a blockbuster
403
00:17:30,063 --> 00:17:31,564
in Ann Arbor, Michigan,
that is still wondering
404
00:17:31,565 --> 00:17:34,166
what happened to their
only copy of "Scream 2."
405
00:17:36,103 --> 00:17:38,971
Well, uh, thank you.
406
00:17:38,972 --> 00:17:39,739
Thank you.
407
00:17:39,740 --> 00:17:42,608
This means...
408
00:17:42,609 --> 00:17:44,277
A lot.
409
00:17:44,278 --> 00:17:46,612
You're most welcome.
410
00:17:46,613 --> 00:17:48,581
Spread the word around
the office, would you?
411
00:17:48,582 --> 00:17:50,683
I'm not really a bit of a poop, after all.
412
00:17:52,019 --> 00:17:54,420
"Bit of a poop."
That's what Charlie calls you.
413
00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:56,088
He does?
414
00:17:56,089 --> 00:17:59,725
Well, yeah, but not a full poop,
415
00:17:59,726 --> 00:18:01,561
just, like, a bit of a poop.
416
00:18:03,296 --> 00:18:05,998
That piece of shit.
417
00:18:07,466 --> 00:18:10,303
Isn't it pretty?
418
00:18:10,304 --> 00:18:13,139
And Mr. Middle-Aged man is on
automatic debit thanks to Henry,
419
00:18:13,140 --> 00:18:15,107
so I won't forget to pay
and be homeless again.
420
00:18:15,108 --> 00:18:16,742
Hey, homeless Eliza was hot.
421
00:18:18,412 --> 00:18:20,580
Mm.
422
00:18:20,581 --> 00:18:22,014
Um...
423
00:18:23,416 --> 00:18:26,185
why didn't you offer
to let me stay with you?
424
00:18:26,186 --> 00:18:27,486
What?
425
00:18:27,487 --> 00:18:28,588
When I was homeless
426
00:18:28,589 --> 00:18:30,690
and staying at the presidential suite,
427
00:18:30,691 --> 00:18:33,059
why didn't you offer for
me to come stay with you?
428
00:18:33,060 --> 00:18:35,027
You wanted to stay with me?
429
00:18:35,028 --> 00:18:36,662
Well, I mean, it would have been nice
430
00:18:36,663 --> 00:18:39,599
not to use up all my rewards points.
431
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,435
Hey, I would have been happy
for you to stay with me, okay?
432
00:18:42,436 --> 00:18:44,604
But I guarantee you, if I offered,
433
00:18:44,605 --> 00:18:46,272
you would have just
freaked out and dumped me.
434
00:18:46,273 --> 00:18:47,974
Anytime I try to get serious with you,
435
00:18:47,975 --> 00:18:49,542
y... you pull away from me.
436
00:18:51,211 --> 00:18:53,012
I do?
437
00:18:55,415 --> 00:18:56,949
Look, if it were up to me,
438
00:18:56,950 --> 00:18:59,085
you'd be staying at my place
every night of the week.
439
00:19:00,988 --> 00:19:03,522
Like... permanently.
440
00:19:03,523 --> 00:19:05,091
Like "Boxing Helena" style?
441
00:19:05,092 --> 00:19:06,225
No.
442
00:19:06,226 --> 00:19:09,962
Don't want to cut off your limbs
and put you in a box.
443
00:19:11,965 --> 00:19:15,001
I just want to be around
you as much as possible.
444
00:19:17,037 --> 00:19:19,071
Did I just scare you off?
445
00:19:32,551 --> 00:19:34,553
#TeamFreddy.
446
00:19:42,694 --> 00:19:43,995
Good morning, Charlie.
447
00:19:46,031 --> 00:19:49,034
Mini marshmallows. Your favorite, right?
448
00:19:49,035 --> 00:19:50,736
Go ahead. Drink up.
449
00:19:50,737 --> 00:19:52,270
Huh? Anything else you need?
450
00:19:52,271 --> 00:19:53,438
Would you like a breakfast pastry?
451
00:19:53,439 --> 00:19:54,740
How about a back rub?
452
00:19:54,741 --> 00:19:58,210
Sir, I'm sorry about the "F".
453
00:19:58,211 --> 00:20:01,713
I was having a bad day. I'm better now.
454
00:20:01,714 --> 00:20:04,015
Can you stop being so nice to me?
455
00:20:04,016 --> 00:20:05,183
I hate it.
456
00:20:05,184 --> 00:20:07,953
Yeah, I hate it, too.
457
00:20:07,954 --> 00:20:10,288
It's not right.
458
00:20:10,289 --> 00:20:14,025
Clean up these filthy
marshmallows, would you?
459
00:20:14,026 --> 00:20:15,727
I'm not the one who spilled them.
460
00:20:15,728 --> 00:20:17,829
Charlie, I entreat!
461
00:20:19,398 --> 00:20:21,900
He's back.
462
00:20:21,901 --> 00:20:23,702
So...
463
00:20:23,703 --> 00:20:25,837
What are you and midge up to this weekend?
464
00:20:25,838 --> 00:20:26,872
Midge?
465
00:20:26,873 --> 00:20:28,874
Your pocket pal. Your tiny dancer.
466
00:20:28,875 --> 00:20:30,175
Julia.
467
00:20:30,176 --> 00:20:32,210
Oh. Um...
468
00:20:32,211 --> 00:20:34,146
I don't know. We're probably
just gonna play it by ear.
469
00:20:34,147 --> 00:20:35,647
Why don't the two of you
come over to my place?
470
00:20:35,648 --> 00:20:37,816
- Oh, no, no. I think she's on call.
- But we could watch a movie
471
00:20:37,817 --> 00:20:42,154
like "The Break-up," or
"He's... just not that into you."
472
00:20:43,722 --> 00:20:45,524
How did you find out?
473
00:20:46,225 --> 00:20:47,360
I read your journal.
474
00:20:47,361 --> 00:20:51,163
- What?! That's a clear violation of my personal
- J. K., Henry. J.K.
475
00:20:51,764 --> 00:20:54,699
Now I know you journal.
476
00:20:54,700 --> 00:20:56,034
Journal's not a verb.
477
00:20:56,035 --> 00:20:57,702
I don't journal. I keep a journal.
478
00:20:57,703 --> 00:21:00,172
I'm sorry things didn't
work out with Julia.
479
00:21:00,173 --> 00:21:02,441
Thank you.
480
00:21:03,042 --> 00:21:06,044
Well, I mean, it is
completely understandable.
481
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:09,681
Let me guess more height jokes?
482
00:21:09,682 --> 00:21:12,417
No.
No, I would never want to belittle Julia.
483
00:21:12,418 --> 00:21:15,654
Because she already "be little" herself?
484
00:21:16,756 --> 00:21:19,791
Would you say she has a short temper?
485
00:21:19,792 --> 00:21:22,694
You are 7 years old.
You do know that, don't you?
486
00:21:22,695 --> 00:21:27,529
Selfie S01E11
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